My DA talks through his dog. Early in our relationship, he would say things like, "Spot (the dog), couldn't believe I let you go home; Spot really misses you and looks for you when you're gone; Spot couldn't believe how incredibly stupid I was for letting you go home" I'd later tease him and ask him if it was only the dog that felt that way? 😂 It was visibly difficult for him to say "I love you" He used to mumble it. After I gently teased him about it, he got better at it. He explained that he can't remember his family ever telling him "I love you" After witnessing me & family saying "I love you" very often, he came to realize that is what is 'normal' for me and now he can actually say "I love you" clearly without mumbling it 💕 The trick is to not to take it personal and understand where they are coming from.
@@LeeChrissy Thanks, honestly these videos were instrumental in me being patient and understanding with my DA. We've both grown a lot since we first met
The dog thing is cute tho. Sending lots of love to both of you. I'm glad that your partner is now capable of saying "I love you" . Wish all the best to both of you
My ex DA still pops in and out of my life and seems to disappear right after being vunerable. ❤ I don't hold it against him. He's a sweetheart and we've been friends for years. When we dated, he occasionally said things like this like "I've never had this with anyone before." or "Thank you for taking care of me." I've known him for so long and he had a past of very toxic and tumultuous relationships. I feel like he felt he could just relax and breath when we were together. However, in the end he just wasn't capable of going fully in and that's okay. I told him that I love us as friends just the same. Over the past couple of months he was reaching out more than usually and even made a video lol. I think he went into vulnerability overload and is quiet again. I take it at face value. That's who he is and I fully accept him. Friendship is a safe place for both of us.
@LeeChrissy I could have written what you posted. Seems the chemistry is there but friendship is the safest space for us to reside. My needs in a relationship exceed what he is able to provide without getting triggered.
@@kindyesweakno yes same. Mine was ALMOST there. He's a one woman man, regular talked about us to family and friends, had his daughter around me regularly, wanted to meet my family and even talked about moving in together. However, he put so much behind the label and the expectations it might bring which annoyed me because I needed less than he did lol. We're both pretty self-sufficient adults, but because of his past relationships, I was unfortunately the one he was too afraid of starting a commitment with. I'm not interested in that. I'm a FA who has worked really hard on my healing and I need steadiness in my life, not confusion. So friends it is. ❤
He's long distance so always hard to read. After 6 years I'm trying to let go, not responding to his messages. It's a lost cause but everything I am now is from his influence. I am 75 and never loved or felt as close to anyone as him. There are problems that feel insurmountable. I think it's hard for young people to understand one facing maybe the last years of life.
i have a FA leans D, she comes in and out of my life and has for years, yes they have vulnerability anxiety, she often has has short term relationships that end with in a month or two, she almost always wants a connection to me right after, this is her pattern. This experiences taught me to learn about my own anxiousness, and I have learned to move to the center now. I do care deeply for her but until she heals i can only be friends. You cant take their anxiety personally, it taught me that.
Once my FA leaning DA ex admitted she loved me and then withdrew very hard after that. Vulnerability hangover is SO real for avoidant attachment styles. Has anyone else experienced this?
@@axhei1738 I'm sorry to hear that. it was her fears flairing up. Thais talks about feelings minus fears and if those fears are strong they withdraw, hence that's why they deactivate :(
@@axhei1738 just curious, did she break up with you and then book the trip or did she just book the trip and you guys are still togethet? I only ask because I've preferred traveling alone my whole life as well as dining and shopping alone. It has nothing to do with my partner. Just my preference.
FA here(very dismissive/deactivated leaning) Yes. Often the problem comes from a LOT of background emotions behind the simple-seeming expression. I think the expectation may unconsciously exist that those emotions will be seen and met with an overt expression of acceptance and value. Some people refer to this as expecting "mind-reading", which we FAs tend to credit ourselves with doing well, so may unconsciously expect it in others. If a bid for closeness isn't met with a level of emotional vulnerability approximating the internal level we feel, it can be experienced as a rejection of all those intense emotions, or frustration with ourselves or the other with being unable to communicate/being unseen/unheard. It can make us feel overexposed and self-conscious. Vulnerability hangover is MUCH worse than a few drinks too many, it can silence for long periods and can even be deadly in some cases. FAs tend to have a lot of emotions that we personally identify with buried deep, often repressed and dissociated, so it's hard to express them and easy to feel neglected when they go unrecognized- I know, it's so contradictory; trust me, it's as confusing for us as it is for others. Usually a gentle Q&A with assurance and encouragement to express ourselves will clear it up. Hope that helps.
Yep mine said "he had strong feelings" the last day I saw him (after 9 months of dating for marriage consciously) then within two days he lied saying he 'found someone else". First I was confused then completely traumatized more so than my narc parents etc
1. Know your value!!! (Do NOT doubt yourself.) 2. Take yourself and your worth seriously. You need to BE A QUEEN to be treated like one. 3. Don’t give easy access to anyone, at any time. Access to your energy should be expensive. 4. Do NOT only express your boundaries. YOU MUST show them. 5. Always be ready to walk away. 6. Show that you are focused on actions not on words. 7. Have a healthy degree of skepticism. 8. You must be willing to say NO and you must be willing to lose the man, if needed. 9. Never EVER chase a man! A truly worthy woman, (who knows her worth) does not EVER chase a man. A man who loves a woman will not ignore her, ever, period. I don’t, under any circumstance: play these childish-abusive-controlling mind games. I will only be with a man who values and appreciates me, and treats me as the Queen, I AM. (Daughter of the Most Hight; King of kings!) Because I am a beautiful and kind and divine and sexy and wise and intelligent and magical woman: who knows my worth. Period.
Avoidants are so focused on testing their love interest to make sure he/she will be a good partner that they don’t even notice that in the process... THEY have become a terrible partner! We have to let people walk away. That creates a space for the right person. I will not hide what I feel. I will NEVER sugarcoat what I say. Radical honesty is my highest calling and my greatest value. I only accept consistency. I deserve it. I accept nothing less than being treated as the queen I AM.
Ok, so you're just as bad the avoidant's you're blaming. The key is to learn about the various attachment styles, figure out which attachment style your partner has, and learn how their mind works so you can give them what they need while avoiding their triggers. At least one person needs to do this for a relationship to work. It's possible to manipulate people using this knowledge to form deeper connections than they have ever experienced before, then you become their world. When you have their complete trust and they feel comfortable, all you need to do beyond that is give them some space before they need it and it will no longer feel like you're dating an avoidant.
I've learned it's all in the approach, phrasing, and tone matters very much. Coming from a place of calm, after taking time to regulate our own emotions before approaching them with calm, logical conversation (humor never hurts, either) is the way to go, in my experience. I think of it now as translating for him, since our hearts may not necessarily speak the same native languages but the love between us demands understanding...which requires proper translation. My love for him led me to gather the tools to translate for him my heart, the love I want to share, and my "needs" in a way he can relate to and rationally understand. Radical honesty is actually really appreciated by them, just with the right positive tone (sans criticism) behind the honest thought you're presenting. Manipulation, passive aggression, and sugar-coating is never acceptable in any relationship, in my personal opinion. It seems to be the actual intensity of emotion behind things that they don't quite know how to experience or soothe alongside us, so if we go ahead and get the experience of the emotional part out of the way first by ourselves (this takes some practice and self-training) or with a trusted friend, it goes a loooong way! 😃 Very difficult in the moment, but really worth learning how to step away for a second to process things before reacting emotionally - that will never be accepted well, as it triggers them (understandably so, when truly viewed from an objective perspective!). Actually, the taking time to process before reacting is a really good trait, I learned to improve from my favorite DA 😆. Turns out, their strengths are our weaknesses and vice versa - even if on opposing spectrums that can seem like an unbridgable gap, the more one chooses to learn from the other and start actively applying different approaches...the more positive responses you're more likely to receive. Perhaps that's why attraction can be absolutely magnetic within the Anxious-Avoidant relationship dynamic, but patience, love, and loyalty are needed to keep this dynamic alive and learn how to learn from each other lol - but oh, SO worth the investment of time, effort, love, and all the things (as long as your person is of sound character). ❤
Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship. I feel avoidants are just afraid of hurt. I However have learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago my wife and I were on the brink of a divorce because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it..
there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things....
Quite difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is Suzanne Ann Walters.
Just last night he texted me “thank you for being in my life. I am glad you’re in it.☺️❤️” sooooo unlike him! I know he loves me. But I have a 5 yr old daughter too and I need someone to be all in
My person is a dismissive/fearful avoidant AND he's neurodivergent. It's a very difficult relationship to navigate. He is terrified of vulnerability and virtually incapable of expressing his emotions. I can only tell how he feels by his behaviors and body language.
Dear Thais, could you please make a video on how to give emotional validation? It's just a very intimate thing... I'm FA/DA and I find it really hard to do even though I really long for it as well. Especially giving emotional validation during a disagreement, holding my boundary and disagreeing but mitigating the risk that the other person feels unseen/unheard. A look at how the different attachment styles like to be emotionally validated would be fascinating but general advice would be much appreciated as well!
Second on videos about providing AND RECEIVING emotional (and cognitive) validation. Both sides of the exchange can be hard to understand, and knowing the perspectives of all the different attachment styles could help by providing the "secret decoder ring" that wasn't in many of our boxes of CrackerJack. As an FA leaning dismissive (and chronically deactivated) one area I have struggled with is the "safety" aspect of expression, including the fear of overstepping and causing the other person to feel unsafe or unwilling to accept a bid of more vulnerability and jeapordizing what connection exists. It's as if some sign of permission is wanted, and wanting, leaving too much fear of the words and intentions being misunderstood, and leaving the question floating in the space between - "Am I valued and wanted for more?" How do we learn to gauge the appropriateness of levels of vulnerability and expression, and how do we learn to communicate when it's appropriate without setting expectations that might be threatening. Too many of us had to veil ourselves for safety and never learned when and how to unveil, creating a perpetual sense of disconnection and fear of rejection/recrimination for doing so. Non-threatening cues (permissions) and how to recognize them would be a real game-changer for all types.
I was an ex FA now secure. I did this through lots of practice. You've already described the parts of them 1. Emotional validation 2. Holding Boundaries. Do these in normal circumstances because it's at a neutral state and even if it feels unfamiliar because then you start to become used to it and slowly gain higher emotional bandwidth to handle it if things get more intense especially when it comes to disagreements. The last point you mention is to address any black/white or perfectionist thoughts about doing things perfectly. Recognize that you won't always be able to validate people perfectly but as long as you're doing your best and working to improve as you learn more along the way, that's all that matters. Hope this helps you!
Thank you for your suggestion! Giving emotional validation can be challenging, especially for those with an avoidant attachment style. I'll definitely consider making a video on this topic in the future 😊
Your videos have helped me out a lot with the understanding of my ex. It took a lot of dedication but I’m finally coming to terms with losing them after a few months for the last time. I feel their presence and cherish the memories previously. I love them but I am understanding now and focusing on my own personal items. I pray about them a lot to make sure they succeed and their family leaves them alone. I know it’s not my issue but I know it was real, just bad external factors and I don’t want or need to hold resentment to them anymore. I love them just had to let go to protect and take care of myself,too.
I'm an AP. My DA platonic friend of 7 years and I we're getting closer until he freaked out (deactivated) 4+ months ago when I got too close to him and I made a snarky comment. I found it interesting when he commented my mother was pretty (in a pic) but not me? He also talked in double negatives: "I don't not like you", "I don't hate you." LOL Everything was understated.
Thais I heard all these words but still he left. Why is this ? Perhaps it’s my attachment style I’m FA and whenever he pushes me away I run the other direction.
The DA (or maybe FA) woman I've started seeing has been saying things like, "I don't know what's happening", and "I don't want to leave" when she's in my arms. But given her tendency to pull away, I find myself doubting the authenticity of our connection. It's confusing.
I felt that way with my ex. We're both avoidants. Our connection was something I don't think either of us has ever felt before. Obv I don't know her, but as a woman who has said something similar, I'd believe her. ❤
Tbh, I've always hated that "falling in love" feeling. It feels disgusting, but when it's happening, I really want to be with them. That said, I think it's for the best that I've never pursued things further.
I don't even know if or how this plays into my life, but definitely do not feel like it's a waste of time listening to either way. I mean one way or another it seems so valuable to attempt to absorb and learn as much as I hopefully can from ,in case I ever do get an opportunity to grow in love together with someone. ❤
Another thing I would like to add (hopefully this helps someone) is that when you are avoidant you may care about the person A TON but not even know what you're feeling due to an X factor. For me, I have not only childhood trauma to work through (feeling unloved and worthless), I had too many crutches (constant video games, porn, media, politics), and so much going on with my life ON TOP OF it being long distance that as she tried to get closer (anxious attachment) and wanting more and more it made me scared because I didn't know how I was feeling in the moment. That is to say if you're not sure (even if it's a situationship), breath, take stock in what's going on, if you think you might be aromantic like I did think about these things; Even if I don't get butterflies or brain chemical, does seeing her text or message bring even the smallest bit of joy while you're going through everything? How long have you known them (for me it takes a WHILE and even then I didn't know in the moment) and how long of a future do you see with them potentially? Even if you're 2 Neurodivergent people (like we were), what does that look like? Can you fit into the spaces they struggle with and make the relationship better in that? and lastly (because I struggled with this) Looks do not matter. If you answer these and it seems like they're cool, accepting, just want to exist with you that's all the matters. If you want a relationship instead of someone shallow looks do not matter. Connection does, communication does. Talk to them as much as it hurts because you may hurt yourself if you don't. If they care that much, they aren't looking to take away anything from you, only to add to your life. and lastly Labels don't hurt even if (if you both agree) it's unneeded. If someone wants to date and have a label, discus what that means. Remember, they are looking for a partner, not a ball and chain like dumb movies have us believing it is. Depending on the person, having a forever relationship instead of marriage might just work, you talk to them about it.
This is such a nice reflection but I feel that your friend deserves to be intimate with a partner that truly does find her beautiful looks-wise. You also deserve to be close with a partner that you find attractive on every level, including physical. Maybe your attraction meter is off due to a reliance on porn and getting contrived ideas of what is attractive to you, maybe you need to align what you find physically attractive to what you find emotionally attractive.
Hi Thais. Yes you nailed it. FA definitely well not all but a lot of FA’s don’t express love in words in regular language. I think once we know this, we can then understand when an FA says they are really happy your relationship, we know they are saying they love us. Great job Thais
Isn’t this just a re-upload of an older video? Could you not do a video on the signs that a DA is developing feelings for you BEFORE you’re in a relationship?
Sometimes im skeptical about advice videos with generlisations, but your information is great and you have consistently good clear information dense delivery. Super easy to follow
5:33 I only saw my DA ex really show any sort of powerful emotions twice while we were together. 4 days before she discarded me, we went to a concert to see her favorite band of all time playing their last show before going on hiatus (which was kinda foreshadowing in a way because they actually made this announcement AT the show we were at and they even dropped out of their last 2 tour stops that were supposed to happen). The morning after this concert (72 hrs pre-discard), was one of those two times she truly opened up, lemanting how the concert was the greatest night of her life and while we were laying in bed, she turned to me and told me "thank you for everything you've done for me. you've treated me better than ive ever been treated and truly make me feel valued and appreciated and seen." We spent 30 straight hours together (we didn't live together) and she constantly commented how 30 hours felt like 3. We made plans to see each other the next day (sunday) and she cancelled because she "didnt feel good." Then monday, was extremely distant stating that she had started a new position at her job that she needed to get more dialed on for and then the next day (tuesday), with zero warning, dumps me via text at 6am and proceeds to ghost me a few days later. I never once got on my knees and begged for her or even asked to "work things out," rather i just asked for closure or an explanation of sorts and she gave me every single one of the DA excuses of her "job" and "not being emotionally available" and "wanting to work on herself" and so on. I was extremely lost, hurt, confused, and even angry (not at her, but just at the world in general) but i have to say that these videos have been really helpful with my growth and moving forward with my life. They have helped me understand things so much better and even empathize with her. I was doing great with my no contact, but after 2 weeks of journaling and putting the pieces together, i've kinda come to the harsh conclusion (based on little nuances and evidence she'd drop here and there) that she originally intended to only use me at a "rebound" to get over her ex. She went to some hippie retreat thing in the woods that she claimed "opened old wounds" and i think that's code for "made me realize i wasnt over my ex" because she was a completely different person after coming back from it. she used me as a rebound but had no idea that i was actually a good person and so she ended up falling for me while shes still not over her ex and she had to discard because she got scared. you're never supposed to fall in love with your rebound, but she did. I have my own reasons as to why i think shes going back to her ex too, despite him being an emotionally abusive alcoholic whose toxic behavior led to her leaving him, but in a nutshell, she told me she was in therapy to "understand what security felt like" and if she was even capable of a secure attachment style, and I think now she thinks SHE was the problem with him and has fallen victim to stockholm syndrome. the sad part is she will never change as long as she keeps returning to her enablers, but thats also not my problem. ALL i wanted personally, even if i never spoke to her again, was to see her heal herself and be the person shes capable of, but sadly i think therapy is just a crutch at this point so she can say shes all healed because she went to therapy, but never did any real self reflecting. shes 32 and has the emotional maturity of a 16 year old.
Holy shit, dude. Almost the exact same thing happened to me last weekend. The surprise text dump (friendzoning 😂), the same excuses, the same "I was just trying to see if I could be in a healthy relationship, I didn't think you'd LIKE me"... We were together for 6 mo. and that WED I'd texted her that I really like her and had grown very fond of her over the summer. The next day, THR, friendzone attempt #1. We talked it out, we hugged it out. FRI we had the best physical night of our relationship & thought we were all good. SAT she spent all afternoon and I to the night with her alki/narcissistic manipulative ex. SUN I got the text dump. We talked on SUN (by phone, she too cowardly to say the words face ti face) and it was all excuses, diversion & gaslighting. I'm disgusted.
Love your videos, if I may suggest something, the typing sound is really distracting and plainly unnecessary. Also the B-roll, I think it only makes sense if you want to show videos to demonstrate a certain point, but simply showing videos of couples throughout the video in my opinion is very unnecessary and distracting. One is not here to watch a romance movie. Especially when someone doesn't know your channel and they open a video and the first thing they see is B-roll, they'll think it's one of those faceless channels and click away. Just a suggestion I think you were doing terrific without these latest additions!!
@@JustMeAndMyBoy that is kind of my point, sometimes the footage helps depict a point, but many times it's just couples holding hands and kissing and not exactly adding anything to what's being said.
My girlfriend did this to me, too. After 6 months of a really good relationship- we didn't have major issues - she left me saying she didn't have feelings for me. She tried to fall in love but didn't know how. Plus she also told me that she wasn't meant to be in a relationship and that she didn't want to make any compromises at all.
I got hit with the "i thought i was ready to date again but im still emotionally connected to my ex" and "i was just going to dip my toes into dating but i didnt expect us to hit it off so well "(i was her first date since her breakup)
I've heard from him (DA) all those words,still he cheated twice and faded slowly with the new person. Out conexion was a 10/10,the kind you experience several times in a lifetime. How can one throw this away for a random new encounter? 1) Is this DA that lucky that he met another 10/10 conexion type one after another?! Am I missing something? 2) Were his feelings for me in the moment of deactivation 2/10 ,and the new person that was 5/10 seemed more appealing in that moment? As an avoidant he should have noticed by 30 y.o. that his feelings if deactivated get back in a while to 10/10 back.Did anyone wondered the same ?
Maybe the other relationship felt easier because it was not as deep and therefore less triggering of fears. That's what happened in my case. The avoidant person in my life came back around and explained that that's why he ran from me and dated someone he didn't have a real connection with. We did give it another shot but then he shut down again.
Interestingly, I started as an AP and my partner a DA…as we’ve grown and worked through things, I’d guess that we’re both more FA with me leaving anxious and he leaving dismissive. We have a great relationship and some similar fears. But the love thing…after 2 years, I know that I love him…and he tells me he’s not sure if he loves me. He’s says all of the things “around” love…I care for you, I have a lot of feelings for you, I’d be sad if you left….but I don’t know if I love you. It’s been a sticking point for me and honestly, I feel like at some point it will be a make or break in our otherwise wonderful relationship. At some point, it will not be okay for me to continue in a relationship with someone who says they don’t love me. I have very clear goals for myself, including marriage and I’ve been open about that since before our first date. I hope we can successfully navigate this area 🤷♀️
I copped the “you’re too good to be true, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop”, “why do you love me?”, “I’ve thought about marrying you”, was highly affectionate. Then it was like he flipped a switch. And he left after 3 years together, telling me he wasn’t sure about his feelings for his ex wife. It was like once I admitted I was in love with him, he then withdrew and basically wanted to go back to a relationship that didn’t have any love, loyalty, affection or understanding. I’m completely confused. All I can do is do my best to move on. I love him very much. But I also think his mother had an impact as she didn’t want me to be with him, she wanted him back with the ex wife. And I heard her on the phone once telling him how much she missed him living with her which he did after he ended his marriage. I think he felt so much guilt over his choices, became a severe alcoholic in the last 6 months, and felt he’d let everyone down, and that I was the easiest thing to get rid of.
I was with my DA for 1.5 years+ until he ghosted me. 😕During our relationship, he would always say he was confused and not sure if he loved me. He described his feelings as intimate and scary. He TREATED me like he loved me and when I would tell him that, he would say things like "I like you a buncha bunch" or "I'm not saying I don't love you. I just can't say for certain that I do." In my mind he was making our relationship WAY more complicated than it was. (I hadn't found your work yet and didn't know about attachment styles.) I feel like I could be more at peace if I knew for certain he really loved me, but his fears got the best of him bc after he ghosted me, I questioned my judgment that he really did. Do you think he really loved me, but just could say it?
Regardless of why he's hesitant and emotionally unavailable, he might not have enough self-awareness or be at a stage in his life to change or work on his fears. I have attachment issues myself (I'm an FA), but there's only one man I love so fiercely and deeply that I'm willing and trying my hardest to be a better person for, because he deserves that. The thought of losing him makes me want to do better, no matter how hard it is for me, and I have evidence that he's trying too (he's a DA). I think it takes the right person ánd the right life circumstances to commit to change. You deserve someone who's afraid of losing you and wants to keep on trying, taking detectable steps (big or small) to do better, and don't give up on you.
@@fredobagginsfilms950 I keep reading people complain about how fast she talks, her "fry voice", the added clips and now the typing and I didn't notice a single one of these until it was pointed out. It's bizarre to me when people are bothered enough to make a comment about it. I'm so deep in her insightful message that even if I did notice I wouldn't care.
Tried to be in a relationship with a woman like this. It would seem like things were going well and we were getting closer, then she'd withdraw, claiming she was stressed, overwhelmed, etc. Once she took off to Mexico for six weeks on very short notice. This behavior happened multiple times, and towards the end, I got pretty good at predicting when she'd bolt. I also began mistrusting any good time or feeling, knowing that it wasn't going to last. After almost a year of feeling like a yo-yo she was playing with, I broke it off to regain my sanity.
I’m in an unlabeled connection with a FA/DA for 7mnths now.He expects the connection to be exclusive and has told me if I decide to explore other options then I should break off things with him😂.If we get intimate he will go dead silent for abt 10-14days.. if I initiate contact during tht period, he will respond nicely though.Communication has gone so bad now since I’m learning to be secure. It’s so easy for him to communicate much more with people he is not emotionally attached to..he can go for hrs,days,hang out with them and all bt when he gets emotionally attached it triggers him. He is self aware and I doubt if he’s working on it.whenever he comes back from his shell, he always mentions that he needed some space coz he was having some inner conflicts. I’v never in my life been mixed up with such a mess. Dealing with a DA is so traumatizing and draining.The exit door is open and I’m one leg out already😂
My FA leaning toward DA has come in & out over 2 yrs now. He finally told me he loved me a few months ago & we lasted 2 weeks & he ghosted. We re-connected 2 mnths later & he really went all out telling me he was very in love with me & 100 % committed! I set boundaries of no ghosting, blocking & to tell me when he needs space. He said he could do all those things. We got intimate & the next day he pulled away. I reached out for 3 days & finally got a response but I'm so scared now I'm not sure that even if he wants to continue a relationship I can.
My avoidant style was to find a woman who needed me for my prestige and money. That way, i know where I fit into the relationship. I avoided high power/money women who loved me because of my lack of self-worth. These women loved me for just me and for me, that wasn't enough. Sad, huh? One is incredibly amazing (think James Bond female - seriously, British Intelligence and Special Forces (SAS)) and wound up never marrying. We stay in touch but i am on my fourth. She still uses photos of me in her presentations. I was/am such a baby. Shoot at me all day long but just don't get my emotions involved.
I have been in a "relationship?" with a man I strongly suspect is a FA. He was SO attentive in the beginning (going on 3+ months). We live 2.5 hrs apart so that is an additional challenge (for me anyway). I lean toward anxious attachment and this really brings it out. It is so confusing at times because I feel like he does like me then I don't hear from him for a few days, etc. How can I tell if he runs hot and cold due to being a FA or if he has lost interest? I don't sense that he thinks anything is wrong. Conversations usually go south if I ask him and his reply is what are you talking about (and I think he is confused). I have learned so much through these videos but I think my biggest question is do I jump ship now or what? It is hard! I really like him and then some days I wonder if I really do. Too many emotional ups and downs for me but I also feel like I am learning a lot about myself. CONFUSING!
Is it possible that a DA would lie, even to themselves, about being in love with someone? I have a friend who I suspect is a DA and she's said and done many of the things you've mentioned in this video. Sometimes I suspect she has feelings for me, but I asked her about it recently, and she said she didn't. It's possible she's telling the truth. It's also possible she was lying to keep herself distant. But I wonder if it's possible that she might deny the feelings even to herself. Is it possible a DA could have feelings for someone and not realise it?
All that is true… but DA don’t know how / want to communicate…. So, it’s usually a dead end, even if the partner understands the dynamics…. It’s pretty sad
Do DA know they have an issue? Do they feel jealous as you are in other relationships knowing other women provide something they cannot express? Why do i feel such discomfort around her even though we remained friends for the past 10 years? She has such a negative aura, everybody xan sense it. Can i help her?
You can't take a single "vulnerable" thing a Dismissive Avoidant says seriously, especially when they're "Falling in Love" or going through the idealization phase of a relationship. It's all bullshit.
@@jovan1220 Do you really want to know why? Do you want to hear the entire sad story of my heartbreaking and devastating and grief filled journey with my DA ex-boyfriend? I don't think so.
@@LeeChrissy my ex is a beautiful human, who is absolutely terrified of closeness and terrified of having to collaborate or cooperate on a relationship with a partner and work together. Good person. Bad at being in a relationship.
Does a DA can comunicate you things by talking to your dog or other people arround that don't have anything to do with both of you? For example instead of asking me directly "How are you?" He is asking my dog the same thing. Instead of telling me directly "My dog is fine after the accident from yesterday." He tells that to a kid that sits near him and he doesn't even know him but he knew that the information was very important for me, that needed to know that. Is DA a psyhical disease?
I love your ideas, but your vocal fry triggers me to the point of muting your video and reading subtitles. I knoooow that's a me problem. Thank you for providing your knowledge so generously.
Yes, you are CORRECT. She does it in ALL of her videos…. Like a true grifter. It’s very disrespectful to the viewers. She preys on the type of people who watch- people looking for answers. She TRAPS them in the video. (Not even half way thru. ) She’s a savage.
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My DA talks through his dog. Early in our relationship, he would say things like, "Spot (the dog), couldn't believe I let you go home; Spot really misses you and looks for you when you're gone; Spot couldn't believe how incredibly stupid I was for letting you go home" I'd later tease him and ask him if it was only the dog that felt that way? 😂
It was visibly difficult for him to say "I love you" He used to mumble it. After I gently teased him about it, he got better at it. He explained that he can't remember his family ever telling him "I love you" After witnessing me & family saying "I love you" very often, he came to realize that is what is 'normal' for me and now he can actually say "I love you" clearly without mumbling it 💕
The trick is to not to take it personal and understand where they are coming from.
Aww ❤
@@LeeChrissy Thanks, honestly these videos were instrumental in me being patient and understanding with my DA. We've both grown a lot since we first met
@@untamedwildhorse I feel the same about my DA. Nothing but love. ❤
I'm Da/Fa abd talk through my dog just like this, had no idea others did too!
The dog thing is cute tho. Sending lots of love to both of you. I'm glad that your partner is now capable of saying "I love you" . Wish all the best to both of you
My ex DA still pops in and out of my life and seems to disappear right after being vunerable. ❤ I don't hold it against him. He's a sweetheart and we've been friends for years. When we dated, he occasionally said things like this like "I've never had this with anyone before." or "Thank you for taking care of me." I've known him for so long and he had a past of very toxic and tumultuous relationships. I feel like he felt he could just relax and breath when we were together.
However, in the end he just wasn't capable of going fully in and that's okay. I told him that I love us as friends just the same.
Over the past couple of months he was reaching out more than usually and even made a video lol. I think he went into vulnerability overload and is quiet again. I take it at face value. That's who he is and I fully accept him. Friendship is a safe place for both of us.
@LeeChrissy I could have written what you posted. Seems the chemistry is there but friendship is the safest space for us to reside. My needs in a relationship exceed what he is able to provide without getting triggered.
@@kindyesweakno yes same. Mine was ALMOST there. He's a one woman man, regular talked about us to family and friends, had his daughter around me regularly, wanted to meet my family and even talked about moving in together. However, he put so much behind the label and the expectations it might bring which annoyed me because I needed less than he did lol. We're both pretty self-sufficient adults, but because of his past relationships, I was unfortunately the one he was too afraid of starting a commitment with. I'm not interested in that. I'm a FA who has worked really hard on my healing and I need steadiness in my life, not confusion. So friends it is. ❤
It's wonderful that you can appreciate and accept him for who he is, both in moments of vulnerability and in times of retreat ❤️
This is the most securely attached TH-cam comment I have ever read
Sounds like a DA.
He's long distance so always hard to read. After 6 years I'm trying to let go, not responding to his messages. It's a lost cause but everything I am now is from his influence. I am 75 and never loved or felt as close to anyone as him. There are problems that feel insurmountable. I think it's hard for young people to understand one facing maybe the last years of life.
Wow. Best of luck to you!
i have a FA leans D, she comes in and out of my life and has for years, yes they have vulnerability anxiety, she often has has short term relationships that end with in a month or two, she almost always wants a connection to me right after, this is her pattern. This experiences taught me to learn about my own anxiousness, and I have learned to move to the center now. I do care deeply for her but until she heals i can only be friends. You cant take their anxiety personally, it taught me that.
Once my FA leaning DA ex admitted she loved me and then withdrew very hard after that. Vulnerability hangover is SO real for avoidant attachment styles. Has anyone else experienced this?
Yes, when my ex told me she loved me, the next day she booked a trip to europe by herself for a month. I was so confused.
@@axhei1738 I'm sorry to hear that. it was her fears flairing up. Thais talks about feelings minus fears and if those fears are strong they withdraw, hence that's why they deactivate :(
@@axhei1738 just curious, did she break up with you and then book the trip or did she just book the trip and you guys are still togethet? I only ask because I've preferred traveling alone my whole life as well as dining and shopping alone. It has nothing to do with my partner. Just my preference.
FA here(very dismissive/deactivated leaning) Yes. Often the problem comes from a LOT of background emotions behind the simple-seeming expression. I think the expectation may unconsciously exist that those emotions will be seen and met with an overt expression of acceptance and value. Some people refer to this as expecting "mind-reading", which we FAs tend to credit ourselves with doing well, so may unconsciously expect it in others. If a bid for closeness isn't met with a level of emotional vulnerability approximating the internal level we feel, it can be experienced as a rejection of all those intense emotions, or frustration with ourselves or the other with being unable to communicate/being unseen/unheard. It can make us feel overexposed and self-conscious. Vulnerability hangover is MUCH worse than a few drinks too many, it can silence for long periods and can even be deadly in some cases. FAs tend to have a lot of emotions that we personally identify with buried deep, often repressed and dissociated, so it's hard to express them and easy to feel neglected when they go unrecognized- I know, it's so contradictory; trust me, it's as confusing for us as it is for others. Usually a gentle Q&A with assurance and encouragement to express ourselves will clear it up. Hope that helps.
Yep mine said "he had strong feelings" the last day I saw him (after 9 months of dating for marriage consciously) then within two days he lied saying he 'found someone else". First I was confused then completely traumatized more so than my narc parents etc
1. Know your value!!! (Do NOT doubt yourself.)
2. Take yourself and your worth seriously. You need to BE A QUEEN to be treated like one.
3. Don’t give easy access to anyone, at any time. Access to your energy should be expensive.
4. Do NOT only express your boundaries. YOU MUST show them.
5. Always be ready to walk away.
6. Show that you are focused on actions not on words.
7. Have a healthy degree of skepticism.
8. You must be willing to say NO and you must be willing to lose the man, if needed.
9. Never EVER chase a man! A truly worthy woman, (who knows her worth)
does not EVER chase a man.
A man who loves a woman will not ignore her, ever, period.
I don’t,
under any circumstance:
play these childish-abusive-controlling
mind games.
I will only be with a man who values and appreciates me,
and treats me as the Queen, I AM.
(Daughter of the Most Hight; King of kings!)
Because I am a beautiful and kind and divine
and sexy and wise and intelligent and magical woman:
who knows my worth.
Period.
GOOD LUCK
Avoidants are so focused on testing their love interest
to make sure he/she will be a good partner
that they don’t even notice that in the process...
THEY have become a terrible partner!
We have to let people walk away. That creates a space for the right person.
I will not hide what I feel.
I will NEVER sugarcoat what I say.
Radical honesty is my highest calling and my greatest value.
I only accept consistency. I deserve it. I accept nothing less than being treated as the queen I AM.
Ok, so you're just as bad the avoidant's you're blaming. The key is to learn about the various attachment styles, figure out which attachment style your partner has, and learn how their mind works so you can give them what they need while avoiding their triggers. At least one person needs to do this for a relationship to work. It's possible to manipulate people using this knowledge to form deeper connections than they have ever experienced before, then you become their world. When you have their complete trust and they feel comfortable, all you need to do beyond that is give them some space before they need it and it will no longer feel like you're dating an avoidant.
I've learned it's all in the approach, phrasing, and tone matters very much. Coming from a place of calm, after taking time to regulate our own emotions before approaching them with calm, logical conversation (humor never hurts, either) is the way to go, in my experience.
I think of it now as translating for him, since our hearts may not necessarily speak the same native languages but the love between us demands understanding...which requires proper translation. My love for him led me to gather the tools to translate for him my heart, the love I want to share, and my "needs" in a way he can relate to and rationally understand.
Radical honesty is actually really appreciated by them, just with the right positive tone (sans criticism) behind the honest thought you're presenting. Manipulation, passive aggression, and sugar-coating is never acceptable in any relationship, in my personal opinion.
It seems to be the actual intensity of emotion behind things that they don't quite know how to experience or soothe alongside us, so if we go ahead and get the experience of the emotional part out of the way first by ourselves (this takes some practice and self-training) or with a trusted friend, it goes a loooong way! 😃 Very difficult in the moment, but really worth learning how to step away for a second to process things before reacting emotionally - that will never be accepted well, as it triggers them (understandably so, when truly viewed from an objective perspective!).
Actually, the taking time to process before reacting is a really good trait, I learned to improve from my favorite DA 😆. Turns out, their strengths are our weaknesses and vice versa - even if on opposing spectrums that can seem like an unbridgable gap, the more one chooses to learn from the other and start actively applying different approaches...the more positive responses you're more likely to receive.
Perhaps that's why attraction can be absolutely magnetic within the Anxious-Avoidant relationship dynamic, but patience, love, and loyalty are needed to keep this dynamic alive and learn how to learn from each other lol - but oh, SO worth the investment of time, effort, love, and all the things (as long as your person is of sound character). ❤
@@anonymouscat1299 a relationship is give and take. Some avoidants just take too much for too little return. It's sad.
Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship. I feel avoidants are just afraid of hurt. I However have learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago my wife and I were on the brink of a divorce because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it..
there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things....
Quite difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is Suzanne Ann Walters.
I will look her up online right now..Thanks
You definitely should. You wont regret it
You can live without her. Stay busy, get close to friends and family dive deep into your passions and hobbies
@user-sk7kd8vs2w
Just last night he texted me “thank you for being in my life. I am glad you’re in it.☺️❤️” sooooo unlike him! I know he loves me. But I have a 5 yr old daughter too and I need someone to be all in
My person is a dismissive/fearful avoidant AND he's neurodivergent. It's a very difficult relationship to navigate. He is terrified of vulnerability and virtually incapable of expressing his emotions. I can only tell how he feels by his behaviors and body language.
Dear Thais, could you please make a video on how to give emotional validation? It's just a very intimate thing... I'm FA/DA and I find it really hard to do even though I really long for it as well. Especially giving emotional validation during a disagreement, holding my boundary and disagreeing but mitigating the risk that the other person feels unseen/unheard. A look at how the different attachment styles like to be emotionally validated would be fascinating but general advice would be much appreciated as well!
Second on videos about providing AND RECEIVING emotional (and cognitive) validation. Both sides of the exchange can be hard to understand, and knowing the perspectives of all the different attachment styles could help by providing the "secret decoder ring" that wasn't in many of our boxes of CrackerJack. As an FA leaning dismissive (and chronically deactivated) one area I have struggled with is the "safety" aspect of expression, including the fear of overstepping and causing the other person to feel unsafe or unwilling to accept a bid of more vulnerability and jeapordizing what connection exists. It's as if some sign of permission is wanted, and wanting, leaving too much fear of the words and intentions being misunderstood, and leaving the question floating in the space between - "Am I valued and wanted for more?" How do we learn to gauge the appropriateness of levels of vulnerability and expression, and how do we learn to communicate when it's appropriate without setting expectations that might be threatening. Too many of us had to veil ourselves for safety and never learned when and how to unveil, creating a perpetual sense of disconnection and fear of rejection/recrimination for doing so. Non-threatening cues (permissions) and how to recognize them would be a real game-changer for all types.
I was an ex FA now secure. I did this through lots of practice. You've already described the parts of them 1. Emotional validation 2. Holding Boundaries. Do these in normal circumstances because it's at a neutral state and even if it feels unfamiliar because then you start to become used to it and slowly gain higher emotional bandwidth to handle it if things get more intense especially when it comes to disagreements. The last point you mention is to address any black/white or perfectionist thoughts about doing things perfectly. Recognize that you won't always be able to validate people perfectly but as long as you're doing your best and working to improve as you learn more along the way, that's all that matters. Hope this helps you!
Thank you for your suggestion! Giving emotional validation can be challenging, especially for those with an avoidant attachment style. I'll definitely consider making a video on this topic in the future 😊
Your videos have helped me out a lot with the understanding of my ex. It took a lot of dedication but I’m finally coming to terms with losing them after a few months for the last time. I feel their presence and cherish the memories previously. I love them but I am understanding now and focusing on my own personal items. I pray about them a lot to make sure they succeed and their family leaves them alone. I know it’s not my issue but I know it was real, just bad external factors and I don’t want or need to hold resentment to them anymore. I love them just had to let go to protect and take care of myself,too.
I just noticed you gained 20k more subscribers since 4 months ago , Good work Thais :)
I'm an AP. My DA platonic friend of 7 years and I we're getting closer until he freaked out (deactivated) 4+ months ago when I got too close to him and I made a snarky comment. I found it interesting when he commented my mother was pretty (in a pic) but not me? He also talked in double negatives: "I don't not like you", "I don't hate you." LOL Everything was understated.
Thais I heard all these words but still he left. Why is this ? Perhaps it’s my attachment style I’m FA and whenever he pushes me away I run the other direction.
Fascinating... that "distilled language" is certainly something someone wouldn't understand if they're not well versed in it.
Thank you for your observation! It's definitely a concept that can be complex but interesting to explore.
Thais is an absolute godsend! She is so devoted to helping people heal...such a beautiful heart & smart lady!!❤
The DA (or maybe FA) woman I've started seeing has been saying things like, "I don't know what's happening", and "I don't want to leave" when she's in my arms. But given her tendency to pull away, I find myself doubting the authenticity of our connection. It's confusing.
I felt that way with my ex. We're both avoidants. Our connection was something I don't think either of us has ever felt before. Obv I don't know her, but as a woman who has said something similar, I'd believe her. ❤
My ex said what are you doing to me. So she’s having those feelings just leave her alone and she will come around eventually
Thank you for sharing your experience. It's not easy navigating relationships, especially when there are mixed signals. Hang in there! ❤️
Tbh, I've always hated that "falling in love" feeling. It feels disgusting, but when it's happening, I really want to be with them. That said, I think it's for the best that I've never pursued things further.
I don't even know if or how this plays into my life, but definitely do not feel like it's a waste of time listening to either way.
I mean one way or another it seems so valuable to attempt to absorb and learn as much as I hopefully can from ,in case I ever do get an opportunity to grow in love together with someone. ❤
Another thing I would like to add (hopefully this helps someone) is that when you are avoidant you may care about the person A TON but not even know what you're feeling due to an X factor. For me, I have not only childhood trauma to work through (feeling unloved and worthless), I had too many crutches (constant video games, porn, media, politics), and so much going on with my life ON TOP OF it being long distance that as she tried to get closer (anxious attachment) and wanting more and more it made me scared because I didn't know how I was feeling in the moment.
That is to say if you're not sure (even if it's a situationship), breath, take stock in what's going on, if you think you might be aromantic like I did think about these things; Even if I don't get butterflies or brain chemical, does seeing her text or message bring even the smallest bit of joy while you're going through everything? How long have you known them (for me it takes a WHILE and even then I didn't know in the moment) and how long of a future do you see with them potentially? Even if you're 2 Neurodivergent people (like we were), what does that look like? Can you fit into the spaces they struggle with and make the relationship better in that? and lastly (because I struggled with this) Looks do not matter. If you answer these and it seems like they're cool, accepting, just want to exist with you that's all the matters. If you want a relationship instead of someone shallow looks do not matter. Connection does, communication does.
Talk to them as much as it hurts because you may hurt yourself if you don't. If they care that much, they aren't looking to take away anything from you, only to add to your life. and lastly Labels don't hurt even if (if you both agree) it's unneeded. If someone wants to date and have a label, discus what that means. Remember, they are looking for a partner, not a ball and chain like dumb movies have us believing it is. Depending on the person, having a forever relationship instead of marriage might just work, you talk to them about it.
This is such a nice reflection but I feel that your friend deserves to be intimate with a partner that truly does find her beautiful looks-wise. You also deserve to be close with a partner that you find attractive on every level, including physical. Maybe your attraction meter is off due to a reliance on porn and getting contrived ideas of what is attractive to you, maybe you need to align what you find physically attractive to what you find emotionally attractive.
Truly life changing as I am new to all of this. Much Gratitude 🎉
Hi Thais. Yes you nailed it. FA definitely well not all but a lot of FA’s don’t express love in words in regular language. I think once we know this, we can then understand when an FA says they are really happy your relationship, we know they are saying they love us. Great job Thais
Thank you for your kind words and for recognizing the effort put into understanding avoidants in relationships 🙏
As an FA, I’m not sure I agree. I’m very expressive with words. I think this is more of a DA thing.
Isn’t this just a re-upload of an older video?
Could you not do a video on the signs that a DA is developing feelings for you BEFORE you’re in a relationship?
I'd be interested in this too
In other words, thank you tremendously,Thais. ❤
Sometimes im skeptical about advice videos with generlisations, but your information is great and you have consistently good clear information dense delivery. Super easy to follow
He would say I enjoy our time together.
Thank you for these videos reminds me why I'm so happy to be single.
😂
It gets lonely though. FA here going on 11 years alone...I want a partner but it's so damn hard
Thank you again for posting every day
Your support means the world to me, thank you! 🙏
5:33
I only saw my DA ex really show any sort of powerful emotions twice while we were together. 4 days before she discarded me, we went to a concert to see her favorite band of all time playing their last show before going on hiatus (which was kinda foreshadowing in a way because they actually made this announcement AT the show we were at and they even dropped out of their last 2 tour stops that were supposed to happen).
The morning after this concert (72 hrs pre-discard), was one of those two times she truly opened up, lemanting how the concert was the greatest night of her life and while we were laying in bed, she turned to me and told me "thank you for everything you've done for me. you've treated me better than ive ever been treated and truly make me feel valued and appreciated and seen." We spent 30 straight hours together (we didn't live together) and she constantly commented how 30 hours felt like 3. We made plans to see each other the next day (sunday) and she cancelled because she "didnt feel good." Then monday, was extremely distant stating that she had started a new position at her job that she needed to get more dialed on for and then the next day (tuesday), with zero warning, dumps me via text at 6am and proceeds to ghost me a few days later.
I never once got on my knees and begged for her or even asked to "work things out," rather i just asked for closure or an explanation of sorts and she gave me every single one of the DA excuses of her "job" and "not being emotionally available" and "wanting to work on herself" and so on. I was extremely lost, hurt, confused, and even angry (not at her, but just at the world in general) but i have to say that these videos have been really helpful with my growth and moving forward with my life. They have helped me understand things so much better and even empathize with her.
I was doing great with my no contact, but after 2 weeks of journaling and putting the pieces together, i've kinda come to the harsh conclusion (based on little nuances and evidence she'd drop here and there) that she originally intended to only use me at a "rebound" to get over her ex. She went to some hippie retreat thing in the woods that she claimed "opened old wounds" and i think that's code for "made me realize i wasnt over my ex" because she was a completely different person after coming back from it. she used me as a rebound but had no idea that i was actually a good person and so she ended up falling for me while shes still not over her ex and she had to discard because she got scared. you're never supposed to fall in love with your rebound, but she did. I have my own reasons as to why i think shes going back to her ex too, despite him being an emotionally abusive alcoholic whose toxic behavior led to her leaving him, but in a nutshell, she told me she was in therapy to "understand what security felt like" and if she was even capable of a secure attachment style, and I think now she thinks SHE was the problem with him and has fallen victim to stockholm syndrome.
the sad part is she will never change as long as she keeps returning to her enablers, but thats also not my problem. ALL i wanted personally, even if i never spoke to her again, was to see her heal herself and be the person shes capable of, but sadly i think therapy is just a crutch at this point so she can say shes all healed because she went to therapy, but never did any real self reflecting. shes 32 and has the emotional maturity of a 16 year old.
Holy shit, dude. Almost the exact same thing happened to me last weekend. The surprise text dump (friendzoning 😂), the same excuses, the same "I was just trying to see if I could be in a healthy relationship, I didn't think you'd LIKE me"... We were together for 6 mo. and that WED I'd texted her that I really like her and had grown very fond of her over the summer. The next day, THR, friendzone attempt #1. We talked it out, we hugged it out. FRI we had the best physical night of our relationship & thought we were all good. SAT she spent all afternoon and I to the night with her alki/narcissistic manipulative ex. SUN I got the text dump. We talked on SUN (by phone, she too cowardly to say the words face ti face) and it was all excuses, diversion & gaslighting. I'm disgusted.
I’m
Going to get your lifetime membership love. For sure angel. Hugs and love!❤
I wonder what would happen if you said these 6 things to a DA ??
Love your videos, if I may suggest something, the typing sound is really distracting and plainly unnecessary. Also the B-roll, I think it only makes sense if you want to show videos to demonstrate a certain point, but simply showing videos of couples throughout the video in my opinion is very unnecessary and distracting. One is not here to watch a romance movie. Especially when someone doesn't know your channel and they open a video and the first thing they see is B-roll, they'll think it's one of those faceless channels and click away. Just a suggestion I think you were doing terrific without these latest additions!!
I like the background imagery. A previous video depicting DAs as children was heartbreaking, really brought it home. 😢
@@JustMeAndMyBoy that is kind of my point, sometimes the footage helps depict a point, but many times it's just couples holding hands and kissing and not exactly adding anything to what's being said.
Yeah
And few months after- boom! He's gone
Claims to have no feelings for me at all
Thank you for sharing your experience. It's important to learn and grow from these situations. ❤🩹
My girlfriend did this to me, too. After 6 months of a really good relationship- we didn't have major issues - she left me saying she didn't have feelings for me. She tried to fall in love but didn't know how. Plus she also told me that she wasn't meant to be in a relationship and that she didn't want to make any compromises at all.
@@tabarnakopoulos let me guess,,,, she went right back on the dating apps too
@ScottH7651 I don't know. And I don't really care. From now on, everything she does or thinks is none of my business!
I got hit with the "i thought i was ready to date again but im still emotionally connected to my ex" and "i was just going to dip my toes into dating but i didnt expect us to hit it off so well "(i was her first date since her breakup)
I've heard from him (DA) all those words,still he cheated twice and faded slowly with the new person.
Out conexion was a 10/10,the kind you experience several times in a lifetime.
How can one throw this away for a random new encounter?
1) Is this DA that lucky that he met another 10/10 conexion type one after another?! Am I missing something?
2) Were his feelings for me in the moment of deactivation 2/10 ,and the new person that was 5/10 seemed more appealing in that moment?
As an avoidant he should have noticed by 30 y.o. that his feelings if deactivated get back in a while to 10/10 back.Did anyone wondered the same ?
Sounds more like a narc than a DA.
Good question. Wonder the same.
Maybe the other relationship felt easier because it was not as deep and therefore less triggering of fears. That's what happened in my case. The avoidant person in my life came back around and explained that that's why he ran from me and dated someone he didn't have a real connection with. We did give it another shot but then he shut down again.
I’m happy, what are you doing to me, then poof gone, work on being secure guys,
What was your experience like with an avoidant partner? Let me know! ❤️
Interestingly, I started as an AP and my partner a DA…as we’ve grown and worked through things, I’d guess that we’re both more FA with me leaving anxious and he leaving dismissive. We have a great relationship and some similar fears. But the love thing…after 2 years, I know that I love him…and he tells me he’s not sure if he loves me. He’s says all of the things “around” love…I care for you, I have a lot of feelings for you, I’d be sad if you left….but I don’t know if I love you. It’s been a sticking point for me and honestly, I feel like at some point it will be a make or break in our otherwise wonderful relationship. At some point, it will not be okay for me to continue in a relationship with someone who says they don’t love me. I have very clear goals for myself, including marriage and I’ve been open about that since before our first date. I hope we can successfully navigate this area 🤷♀️
I copped the “you’re too good to be true, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop”, “why do you love me?”, “I’ve thought about marrying you”, was highly affectionate. Then it was like he flipped a switch. And he left after 3 years together, telling me he wasn’t sure about his feelings for his ex wife. It was like once I admitted I was in love with him, he then withdrew and basically wanted to go back to a relationship that didn’t have any love, loyalty, affection or understanding. I’m completely confused. All I can do is do my best to move on. I love him very much. But I also think his mother had an impact as she didn’t want me to be with him, she wanted him back with the ex wife. And I heard her on the phone once telling him how much she missed him living with her which he did after he ended his marriage. I think he felt so much guilt over his choices, became a severe alcoholic in the last 6 months, and felt he’d let everyone down, and that I was the easiest thing to get rid of.
I didnt even get a distilled version in 1.5 years lol She did say she missed me once. Oh, and that my clothes looked nice.
Thank you, Thais.
I was with my DA for 1.5 years+ until he ghosted me. 😕During our relationship, he would always say he was confused and not sure if he loved me. He described his feelings as intimate and scary. He TREATED me like he loved me and when I would tell him that, he would say things like "I like you a buncha bunch" or "I'm not saying I don't love you. I just can't say for certain that I do." In my mind he was making our relationship WAY more complicated than it was. (I hadn't found your work yet and didn't know about attachment styles.) I feel like I could be more at peace if I knew for certain he really loved me, but his fears got the best of him bc after he ghosted me, I questioned my judgment that he really did. Do you think he really loved me, but just could say it?
in the end, does it even matter? i would just focus on the fact he wasn't meeting a very basic, reasonable need.
Regardless of why he's hesitant and emotionally unavailable, he might not have enough self-awareness or be at a stage in his life to change or work on his fears. I have attachment issues myself (I'm an FA), but there's only one man I love so fiercely and deeply that I'm willing and trying my hardest to be a better person for, because he deserves that. The thought of losing him makes me want to do better, no matter how hard it is for me, and I have evidence that he's trying too (he's a DA). I think it takes the right person ánd the right life circumstances to commit to change. You deserve someone who's afraid of losing you and wants to keep on trying, taking detectable steps (big or small) to do better, and don't give up on you.
That typing sound effect is not good
Very distracting
@@sunnydayz3577 Second that big time.
I appreciate your input, I'll take note of that for future videos.
Personal Development school? Don’t listen to them. Thats what you call sound design! Bunch of ignorants
@@fredobagginsfilms950 I keep reading people complain about how fast she talks, her "fry voice", the added clips and now the typing and I didn't notice a single one of these until it was pointed out. It's bizarre to me when people are bothered enough to make a comment about it. I'm so deep in her insightful message that even if I did notice I wouldn't care.
Tried to be in a relationship with a woman like this. It would seem like things were going well and we were getting closer, then she'd withdraw, claiming she was stressed, overwhelmed, etc. Once she took off to Mexico for six weeks on very short notice. This behavior happened multiple times, and towards the end, I got pretty good at predicting when she'd bolt. I also began mistrusting any good time or feeling, knowing that it wasn't going to last. After almost a year of feeling like a yo-yo she was playing with, I broke it off to regain my sanity.
I’m in an unlabeled connection with a FA/DA for 7mnths now.He expects the connection to be exclusive and has told me if I decide to explore other options then I should break off things with him😂.If we get intimate he will go dead silent for abt 10-14days..
if I initiate contact during tht period, he will respond nicely though.Communication has gone so bad now since I’m learning to be secure.
It’s so easy for him to communicate much more with people he is not emotionally attached to..he can go for hrs,days,hang out with them and all bt when he gets emotionally attached it triggers him.
He is self aware and I doubt if he’s working on it.whenever he comes back from his shell, he always mentions that he needed some space coz he was having some inner conflicts.
I’v never in my life been mixed up with such a mess. Dealing with a DA is so traumatizing and draining.The exit door is open and I’m one leg out already😂
Mine told me he worries about his self control with me. Not even sure how to take that.
Mine told me he loved me then basically stopped talking to me, so I had to end it. This is all too real
I'm so guilty of this, even seeing those distilled phrases I thought "isn't that basically the same thing?"
what's the difference between dismissive and fearful, can we watch the videos interchangeably? thanks!
What course should I take if I am the dismissive avoidant and want to be secure attachment style and not do the whole vulnerability hangover thing?
My FA leaning toward DA has come in & out over 2 yrs now. He finally told me he loved me a few months ago & we lasted 2 weeks & he ghosted. We re-connected 2 mnths later & he really went all out telling me he was very in love with me & 100 % committed! I set boundaries of no ghosting, blocking & to tell me when he needs space. He said he could do all those things. We got intimate & the next day he pulled away. I reached out for 3 days & finally got a response but I'm so scared now I'm not sure that even if he wants to continue a relationship I can.
wow i would be out. that’s just mean and you don’t deserve that. hold out for better.
Thats terrible. I feel for you.
My avoidant style was to find a woman who needed me for my prestige and money. That way, i know where I fit into the relationship. I avoided high power/money women who loved me because of my lack of self-worth. These women loved me for just me and for me, that wasn't enough. Sad, huh? One is incredibly amazing (think James Bond female - seriously, British Intelligence and Special Forces (SAS)) and wound up never marrying. We stay in touch but i am on my fourth. She still uses photos of me in her presentations. I was/am such a baby. Shoot at me all day long but just don't get my emotions involved.
Get a grip. Arrested development.
I have been in a "relationship?" with a man I strongly suspect is a FA. He was SO attentive in the beginning (going on 3+ months). We live 2.5 hrs apart so that is an additional challenge (for me anyway). I lean toward anxious attachment and this really brings it out. It is so confusing at times because I feel like he does like me then I don't hear from him for a few days, etc. How can I tell if he runs hot and cold due to being a FA or if he has lost interest? I don't sense that he thinks anything is wrong. Conversations usually go south if I ask him and his reply is what are you talking about (and I think he is confused). I have learned so much through these videos but I think my biggest question is do I jump ship now or what? It is hard! I really like him and then some days I wonder if I really do. Too many emotional ups and downs for me but I also feel like I am learning a lot about myself. CONFUSING!
Does 'I like spending nice time with you' qualify for anything with a DA? 😮😅
Absolutely! Any effort to spend quality time together is a positive sign. ❤
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool thank you, I would like to think so 😊 ❤️
Uh oh…. I think I’m a DA….
Is it possible that a DA would lie, even to themselves, about being in love with someone? I have a friend who I suspect is a DA and she's said and done many of the things you've mentioned in this video. Sometimes I suspect she has feelings for me, but I asked her about it recently, and she said she didn't. It's possible she's telling the truth. It's also possible she was lying to keep herself distant. But I wonder if it's possible that she might deny the feelings even to herself. Is it possible a DA could have feelings for someone and not realise it?
My long distance partner is avoidant and sometimes doestn text for 24 hours what.should i do?
All that is true… but DA don’t know how / want to communicate…. So, it’s usually a dead end, even if the partner understands the dynamics…. It’s pretty sad
It’s called limerence
Do DA know they have an issue? Do they feel jealous as you are in other relationships knowing other women provide something they cannot express? Why do i feel such discomfort around her even though we remained friends for the past 10 years? She has such a negative aura, everybody xan sense it. Can i help her?
My name is Tyece too!!
You can't take a single "vulnerable" thing a Dismissive Avoidant says seriously, especially when they're "Falling in Love" or going through the idealization phase of a relationship. It's all bullshit.
Why the strong opinion?
@@jovan1220 Do you really want to know why? Do you want to hear the entire sad story of my heartbreaking and devastating and grief filled journey with my DA ex-boyfriend? I don't think so.
@@WahkeenaSitka yes I do actually
I can't speak for all DA's, but those I have met are beautiful humans.
@@LeeChrissy my ex is a beautiful human, who is absolutely terrified of closeness and terrified of having to collaborate or cooperate on a relationship with a partner and work together. Good person. Bad at being in a relationship.
Such great content. Wish i wasn't so turned off by the vocal fry
Does “I think you are a 🦄” count?
Does a DA can comunicate you things by talking to your dog or other people arround that don't have anything to do with both of you? For example instead of asking me directly "How are you?" He is asking my dog the same thing. Instead of telling me directly "My dog is fine after the accident from yesterday." He tells that to a kid that sits near him and he doesn't even know him but he knew that the information was very important for me, that needed to know that. Is DA a psyhical disease?
I can’t stop laughing when I hear that typing sound. It’s so horrible.. 😂
Why do people even bother with DAs?
I love your ideas, but your vocal fry triggers me to the point of muting your video and reading subtitles. I knoooow that's a me problem. Thank you for providing your knowledge so generously.
I like her voice and think she sounds fine. ❤ I'm curious what anyone expects her to do about it. It's how she talk. Lol
I also feel that she gabbles, it is difficult to understand at times
I love Thais’s voice 😁 especially when there’s something a bit ironic and it has some kind of a melody to it
Yeah serious vocal fry.
Emily Blunt
Vocal fry
80% marketing and self-promotion ((
Yes, you are CORRECT. She does it in ALL of her videos…. Like a true grifter. It’s very disrespectful to the viewers. She preys on the type of people who watch- people looking for answers. She TRAPS them in the video. (Not even half way thru. ) She’s a savage.