That's what I was saying to her , she never understood. Finally our relationship ended but I feel good that it ended .. it would have been difficult had I got married to that person.
WHEN TO QUIT: BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF! Don’t waste your time on the wrong person, and don’t make excuses for him or her and fool yourself! Stop expecting him or her to change! 1. When things won’t change for the better. 2. Your needs are not met, and he/ she will not be able to meet your needs in the future. 3. Constant disrespect and blame shifting. 4. He/ she is always the victim, and turns the argument away from the real issue. 5. No responsibility taken and no positive changes made. 6. No constructive communication. 7. Avoidance of looking deeper into problems/ issues. 8. He/ she won’t change because no acknowledgment, and no indication and no commitment to change him/ herself. No motivation to change. 9. You are always walking on eggshells around him/ her. 10. No true understanding and deeper view of what is bothering you or hurting you. He/ she just does not care!
That's my 25 yr relationship in a nutshell. Explosive anger, abuse, pathological lying and zero empathy for anyone but himself.....should be easy to leave, right? First I didn't want to break up my family...then I didn't want to lose my farm, my beloved animals, my dream home that I've worked so hard on.....then I got sick, then sicker (cancer) and now I can't work. I'm making an exit plan. He's incapable of change. He's okay with hurting me. I know it won't get better - just worse. Leave while you're young.
I was in a relationship for 6 years and leaving was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I wasn't happy nor fulfilled in that relationship and was killing a part of me by staying, but I couldn't let go. My needs weren't met & we were fighting/arguing a lot. I was staying because I was attached and holding on to my idea of what we "could be", but it wasn't what we were. I was staying because I was so afraid of being alone and never finding someone else. I was staying because we made it work for 6 years, so we could continue to "make it work". But "making it work" isn't having a fulfilled relationship. It took me MONTHS to accept that I had to leave... He was my first love.
Severing all of those ties IS painful; it will eventually get better though! When you meet that person that just blows your mind it’s all gonna be worth it and it’s all going to make sense. People can love each other deeply but that doesn’t mean they’re compatible. Keep your chin up!
The thing is it takes two to tango! And if you want to make it work and he starts acting like a child... You end up being his nagging mother... when I realized that I let go... If he grows up and I'm still available who knows... but when they hurt you a lot... I don't even know if it's worth it! Plus I don't know if people really change at this point!🤔
Minute 22 one of Eckhart Tolle’s greatest teachings: So change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.
Just ended my marriage of 10 years and it was extremely difficult but I wasn't benefiting either of us and we were both miserable. The hardest part is that he would have stayed miserable forever on the basis that 'staying together' was what we were supposed to do. He may think it's because I didn't love him but the reality is that I loved him too much to have him waste his life with someone he didn't really like that much. Hopefully someday he'll realize it was for the best. As for me, I've been single for 6 months and plan to stay that way until I do all the work I need to break my pattern of staying with men who don't really seem to like me or think I need to try harder. Tired of feeling like I need to earn someones love. It's just not happening anymore.
You did the right thing! At least in my opinion. I just left my boyfriend because I felt like he didn't really like me. I didn't love him though 😂 I can't love a man who isn't truly madly deeply in love with me. We all deserve to feel sexy and adored. EDIT: he was also toxic and tried to manipulate me to stay in the relationship, I guess that made it a lot easier to break up with him. He also loves to tell me how I am not good enough and how I was weak..so yeah definitely not a keeper
I don't know much about your situation but you said you have a pattern of "staying with men who don't really seem to like me or think I need to try harder" - it sounds a lot like you didn't feel you needed to grow and be better. If guys don't like you or think you need to try harder, maybe they were hoping you would grow into a better person, or a better partner at least. Which is a great thing to want for your partner. It makes sense not to stay with people who can't accept you at all, but if the pattern was that you weren't really good enough then I have the answer - get better and be more likeable. Find out what men want/need in a partner and be that. Did you ask your partners specifically what your partners thought you needed to change? You have to make sure you pick the right type of guy, obviously, but you also have to be the right type of partner. What makes you think you don't need to earn someone's love? I guess if you take your relationship for granted you don't, but if you talk to people who have been happily married for a long time (and still are) they will usually say that it is a lot of work and you have to keep working at it, and you can't just sit on your laurels and think it's all done. Have you ever heard the advice given to guys to reaffirm their love for their women every day? Sounds exhausting to me but if that's what is required then that's what you do. I don't see why it women wouldn't need to do the same as well, we are supposed to be supporting gender equality after all.
“The hardest part is that he world have stayed miserable forever on the basis that “staying together” was what we were supposed to do.” This hit me in the gut. Shannon I’m sorry for your heartbreak, your pain and your loss. I’m grateful you shared your experience. My journey starts this week.
@@thecurrentmoment I disagree. Relationships are difficult and they do require work but they shouldn’t be THAT difficult. There should be a sense of ease, a sense of peace and acceptance. Obviously this lady felt like she needed to grow otherwise she would have simply stayed put. I don’t think anyone strives to be or wants to be unlikable but we can only do so much. You can be the sweetest, kindest, nicest, most fun, easy going gf/wife but your partner might still not like you. You can work on your likability until you’re blue in the face but if your partner simply doesn’t like you then they simply don’t like you. It’s a compatibility issue. No one wants to feel like they’re not enough and they constantly need to do more and more. We are all a work in progress up until the day we die but there are certain qualities we simply cannot change and that’s ok.
Having just left a relationship with an addict, I think the reason why we stay in bad relationships for longer than we should have is because we cling onto the memories of the good times where we have seen their potential (to be a good partner or a good friend). But people rarely live up their potential because of the amount of work required to get there, and that's ultimately for them to figure it out, not us.
This is so true. My problem is that the person want just leave. Moving to start over seem to be my only option. I'm in so much disbelief. My whole life has changed behind this. Ugh and ugh!
IMO the time to leave is when a few things start to happen: - you start dreading coming home to this person or them coming home to you - you would rather be anywhere else than sitting across from them at the dinner table - you start to walk on eggshells - you start second guessing everything you say or do, wondering how they will react - hearing about their day is torture because you really do not care, or they make it obvious they're not interested at all in listening to you - you or they don't treat the relationship with respect - hearing them breathing next to you on the sofa makes you want to climb up a wall - the bad moments start to be more often than the good ones - you've had several conversations about expectations and issues and nothing changes - disagreements are escalating into screaming matches
Wow! I got to the point where I hated hearing my husband BREATHE. It took over a decade to realize that he would never change. He convinced me that I was the problem. I wasn’t doing the crazy stuff he did.
THIS ... Every single one of these, especially dreading seeing him, I would literally have to give myself a pep talk before I spent the day with him, I was so much happier alone ; that's when I knew I had to set us both free, I just couldn't do it anymore.
During the pandemic didn't we all feel at least half of these? It's hard to figure out how much of it is because of issues that are beyond our control- a pandemic or lack of money, or because of incompatibility.
Then it comes down to - you inherently cannot change a person. So I think even giving a chance does not amount to anything and you just end up prolonging the breakup unnecessarily. If you find an issue ask yourself if it’s a big deal - if not then continue if not stop by all means . 100% of the time if there is an issue it means you don’t like it to continue in the first place
I can't move on to new affections that easily. Deep inside I'm still connected to the last relationship. The idea that a new person can suddenly mean so much turns my stomach.
Same for me. I have been single for a long time between my relationships and I know people that just got into another relationship after a few weeks. "It turns my stomach" applies for me as well :(
Perfect way of describing it. That's what keeps me in relationships/situations that i really shouldn't be in, because I know it'll be years before i meet someone I can feel that way about again, and probably fall into exactly the same trap again...
They're not saying it's easy. They're saying it becomes realistic, possible, emotionally manageable once we come to terms with someone not being what we need because we see how bad they really are for us. It could simply be as bad as weighing our lives down, holding us back from being the person we've been trying to be or want to be. If they show no desire to stop acting like a cannon ball chained to us then... Are we gonna do something about it?... That's all this is about. It's not about easy, it's about respecting ourselves enough and being realistic enough to make it possible. Just possible. Plus, the sooner you're out the more time you buy yourself to figure out how to avoid this from happening again.
I *highly* recommend really getting to know someone before starting a relationship. I had to let go of a connection that was recent (3 months). The connection was intense and I was tempted to be swept away because we seemed compatible. Right on the dot, within 90 days, the real character manifested itself. His life is dysfunctional and chaotic and he was content to just distract himself rather than fixing it. He also deflected and blamed whenever I brought up issues we were having but never took any personal responsibility. Just imagine how much more would have happened if I actually decided to bypass getting to know him just so I could have a relationship. I shudder to think! My biggest lesson for myself is that if I date someone with the hope/intention that he'll change, he is wrong for me, full stop. If I'm smart, I'll tap out and move on
I agree 💯 as I learned that the hard way. I wanted to be in a relationship so bad, I overlooked the red flags, thinking we could work on it together. But red flags just piled up and don’t get resolved completely, and I felt like I did most of the work. At one point, I thought, wait, why am I trapping myself by committing to an unfulfilling and unhealthy relationship, when I really should be getting to know this person and they should be getting to know me (ideally with their best behavior)? So yea, super important to get to know someone before committing.
It’s a bit of a double edged sword, my boyfriend was my best friend for 5 years before we got together. I knew there were some aspects of his character I disliked but I decided to look past them, but nothing had prepared me for what was coming. The first two years of our relationship were a bit of a nightmare with ups and downs. So yeah, you might think you know someone but you don’t actually know them until you enter a romantic relationship with them so this could lead to more of your time being wasted.
I’m with a man 16 months now. His life is chaotic but he tries very hard to make time for me, but at 66 I don’t have time to wait for the time he gets his life together. He is rebuilding an old house, all he could afford, to eventually live in . He is also an accomplished artist and needs time and space for that. Right now he’s living w his widowed sister,since his divorce a few years ago. He is unorganized and it drives me crazy. He’s a nice man and loves me but not what I signed up for, a retired man with time and energy for a full relationship. You need more videos on how to break up with someone without breaking their hearts. 😢
They did an awesome job on this topic. But they forgot to mention the fear of seeing the person change for someone else after you let them go. The embarrassment, rejection, and extra level of heartbreak that you will feel. I believe that is another reason why people get stuck in that unhappy state of paralysis. I know because it is what I'm going through now. I stayed way too long. But it had gotten to the point where I believe I was becoming a part of my own heartache and pain by staying knowing that he wasn't going to change for me. So, if he treats another the way I've been begging him to treat me for years, it will be extra painful, but at least I did what I had to do in order to find my own happiness. I looked out for me. And that should mean something towards my healing and my future.
Extremely painful when someone could not do things you expected for years and suddenly after a breakup they are doing exactly those things with someone else. Then you ask yourself is it me? Or is it timing? What is it all about?
I ended my 2 year relationship with my first love a month ago. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I felt instant regret for hurting them in the process. But it DOES get better, and slowly I’m realizing that it was for the best. You can’t date someone’s potential. I wasn’t being loved in the way I wanted or needed, and recognizing that is important. I still get anxious about what could’ve been and have doubts but they’ve been slowly fading. If you’re going through the same thing, remember you’re worth being loved by someone who’ll love you in a way you need/want. That loving someone should be easy and you should feel happy and energized when you’re with that person. Everything will be ok.
My ex was not a toxic person or mean in anyway, in fact he was incredibly loving and kind. I adored that about him and those were the qualities I embraced. But then there was his lack of ambition. We had fights for the entirety of our relationship about being long distance and not being there for one another. I even moved to his country for school and he refused to move 4 hours to another city so we could be together, always finding excuses or reasons as to why he wasn't ready yet. Finally, one day, after contemplating leaving for months, I broke down crying while he was visiting. He was supposed to leave in 2 hours and enough was enough. I sat him down and broke his heart. I still feel like a terrible person for doing that, don't think it was appropriate timing, but I am proud with how strong I was in the moment. So then I came to this video, been questioning if I had made a horrible decision and my epiphany moment was realizing that even if he was making steps, it wasn't enough and it wasn't something I could accept. Nothing is going to radically change tomorrow and I deserve someone who loves me and makes the effort for us to be together.
I fully agree with you. Don't sell yourself short or compromise your standard and core values! At the end of the day, you are the one responsible for your happiness and accountable to yourself.
The truth is most relationships will end, sooner or later, for various reasons - incompatibility, unmet needs, people changing in different directions, not wanting the same thing, wanting something new, someone new. Because now breaking up is such an easy option. I was talking to a very old lady, in her 80s, and she said something that rang true to me:"Do not think that marriages lasted a lifetime in the old days necessarily because we wanted to. But it was the only option available, divorce was not an easy way out, as it is today. We had to make do with what and whom we had, and try to be content about it.''
That's miserable. And yet my folks who have been married almost 60 years now have been through so much...and yet not once did they cheat, become unfaithful, desire others, etC. They stuck it out no matter what...even the toxicity...and overcame every hurdle. Then again, they have very strong faith in their religion/God (who all ove and strength come from), so that helps, so I've been told. And yet here i am being inspired by them and failing badly and being taken for granted a lot by those I choose to give my love to... The search continues, I guess. The "feeling of Lov"e is certainly not enough. My folks keep telling me LOVE is a VERB...you actively Work on it every day
I think there is a big difference between working through inevitable problems in a relationship, and recognizing that a person isn’t for you. Seeing how a person handles aforementioned problems is a crucial part of getting to know that person in the beginning.
I think I'm at a point in my relationship where I'm willing to change myself and be better, rather than place all the expectations on my partner. I'm actually grateful because I can improve on myself and not be so critical. I want to treat my partner with compassion and grace.
I was with my ex for 5 years. It was officially over after 2 1/2. Why did I stay? Lack of self confidence, manipulation, lots of things. I am now with my partner almost 4 years. He is amazing. So kind, thoughtful, generous. He loves people genuinely, and is such a happy and positive person. I am currently living my best life. 😊❤
Some reason they don't leave is low self esteem.. No confidence in themselves to actually know they can do it. Starting over in life can be quite difficult and scary for some people. But it sure is worth it when they do. People hate the fact they failed in a relationship and have to start all over again. But starting over can be fun and challenging but worth it.
When you've done your inner work and you respect yourself.. (know your worth) you'll realise you don't need a relationship like this, and drop it like a hot potato! You'll be more aware when you meet someone like that in the future and won't even get into it! 💯👌😁👑
This just happened to me, the breakup has taught me so much and has been a total blessing in disguise. Learnt so much from it and will never EVER make the same mistakes again.
I never loved myself. Never treated my gf well and she finally got the courage and broke up with me. It was a long time coming and I deserved it. I had just started changing a month before the break up but it was to late. Two months of constantly trying to be better. Nothing but love and thanks for making such a tough and painful decision. It was the best thing for both of us. Hopefully we can meet again and introduce our new selves to each other.
I am driving myself mad. So true. Had a same thought a few days ago. They are not affected by the daily pain WE put our mind through by ruminating about the needs that are not being met.
That was incredibly and so clearly explained. Our logic and reasoning become so highjacked by our emotions that we become active participants in perpetuating our own misery.
I pray the universe grant your heart desire Hey friends I got my relationship fixed with the help of this great spiritualist who brought my ex after many months of separation,,, ,..
I want to say the main reason people don't leave right away once a relationship goes bad is they want to make sure this is where the relationship is actually at, this takes time to do for me the main question for me is over time does the relationship bring me more problems or heart ache than it brings me some form of happiness or joy
I like the term fall in love. It hurts to fall… you loose your balance. Same as early in in relationships…. Stay grounded and date someone in public and listen to what they say and don’t say. Watch them. It honestly helps you to stay on level ground so you can see things as they are. I’m growing. Thank you for all your advice
Aha moment for me he said something along the lines of "even if you already discussed and agree on the change you still have the whole road of change ahead of you. If they haven't even agreed yet, you're living in a fantasy that they will change."
Thank you Matthew Context: I am going through a divorce and countless times have questioned whether I left too soon and maybe he would have changed. "Our relationship with a person is the relationship we have today, not the relationship we have in the future". This video taught me important lessons. I had 3 options: 1. Hope for this person to change which would have been science fiction. There was absolutely no guarantee this person would change. If he did decide to change, it would have been on their timeline and remember even for ourselves how challenging it is to change our habits. Four parts to change: a. Being aware of their mistake b. Apologising for their behaviour c. Saying they will change d. Then actually following through on that change. My ex-husband used to realise he was wrong, after I had broken it down to him and explained it to him so many times, it was exhausting. He would say he is sorry and did the first 3 parts but was not changing. I saw no change. 2. Leave - this is the option I took. I believe the decision I made was the best decision for me because I could see this was going to be a long road and was struggling in that relationship and I would have continued to struggle in that relationship. 3. Accept the revised view of that person, accept them for who they are, revise my expectations of them. - I would not have been able to do this either, I mean I could have but I know I would have questioned why I was in the relationship and ultimately have been very unhappy. The video also made me question: Did I ask him to change in a calm, neutral way? Yes, I did. Did I provide space for him to change? Yes, when did I do this? Then I wrote down 8 examples of me giving him opportunities to change.
The biggest mistake we make is rushing into relationships before we truly know who the other person is. We get overwhelmed by attraction and feelings (especially when things get physical) and most of what we think we 'know' of the other person is imagination - a fantasy of sorts. Most of us will put our best foot forward when we first meet someone, in order to impress and attract them (and you can be sure that the other person is doing the exact same thing) this adds to the fantasy - the perception of who the person is rather than who they truely are. I know it sounds old-fashioned in today's world, but I believe if we went back to simply dating for an extended period (without physical intimacy) and kept an open mind and focused on truly knowing each other, we would be better able to find more suitable partners.
Absolutely right! I met an old friend & was fantasizing what could be & wanted to meet up cuz I knew he was attracted to me. He was honest enough to say he’s too busy & more limiting remain friends before anything started. So now I’m doing no contact because I’m always the first to initiate
Definitely! I'm so happy with how my gf likes us to take it slowly on the physical side, while getting to know each other emotionally. She thought the 2nd date was fast to be kissing :) The guys who say to drop a woman if she won't put out fast are totally wrong, unless sex is all the man is after. When we do reach physical 'milestones', each one feels special.
@@lovelace8702 I think it's best to be very clear about where you are. Eg "I like you a lot - I fancy you loads! But I don't like to get physical quickly, I want to see how we develop over time." Guys have been trained to be insecure about this, so I recommend being very clear that you are physically attracted to him, and be very clear that you don't 'put out' right away even for an 'Alpha Chad' like him (unless you do/have commonly put out previously - don't lie to him). Remember that men are at least as insecure as you are, are starved for praise, and usually confused & desperate for clarity.
Making someone change is a lot of work. Ask yourself if this is the type of person or behavior You can tolerate with? If the answer is yes, then stay. If the answer is no, then leave. This is why knowing your boundaries (non-negotiable) are vital. The moment that person crossed those boundaries you gotta cut them loose. I understand that some cases is a little complicated if you have long-term partner or spouse, best-friend etc but there has to be a limit otherwise your pain and suffering will not end.
The comments have been as insightful as the video content. I just want to say Good luck to those considering ending a relationship, fast healing and happiness to you 🙏
"People stay unhappy because they don't leave, they don't revise there expectations and that person doesn't change...🤯"Then the problem shifts from them to you. Because you complain but make no changes". Profound.
I just had an argument with my partner of 12 years because he never changes certain things and we get into a spiral of fights and of course unhappiness. After arguing I turned on the TV (TH-cam) and your video came up. It’s as if the universe gave me in a silver platter what I needed to hear this very second. You are absolutely spot on in everything you said. I just discovered your channel now and will subscribe and listen to more videos. It’s so refreshing to hear a man’s perspective on all of these topics 😊
It's not the universe listening hon, it's our "smart" gadgets are listening for key words. Try it. Talk about dog food...pet ads come up. Buying a car...car ads, etc. And, all of your data goes into the cloud for further behavioral analysis. We are spied on 24/7.
Omg... I'm shook. This video is everything... EVERYTHING. It's so validating, it's like getting a hug after something awful happens. Thank you for this; I really needed confirmation and reassurance that my perception is not distorted, I'm not evil, unfair, mean, unreasonable, heartless, disloyal, or wrong to FINALLY break things off. I'm refusing the abuse, disrespect, disregard, manipulation, and dishonesty. This video gives me another push toward LIFE.
That’s the bind: nobody wants to be a quitter in relationships, but then we stay waaaay too long with a bad situation. Thanks for having this conversation for us 🙂
I’ve done this with friends and partners.. I’ve stayed wayy to long after the mistreatment/disrespect hoping they would change and believing the lie that they wouldn’t do it again…They always did it again….
Leaving is the first step... and the pain intensifies following the split. The roller coaster of emotions will continue and the time frame is different for everyone in terms of recovery. Even though the choice was yours... it by no means blunts the pain to leave someone that you love... When the arguments continue... when you start to forget who it is that you fell in love with in the first place... then it is time to take a step back... it's logical but god damn it sucks... nearly 5 months post break-up... and I'm still trying to figure this all out... maybe I never will... but stability, even painful stability is better than chaos.
Spot on, that is only the beginning. Today is day 1 for me. I sincerely hope the best for her nonetheless and gain power from seeing that she isn't devastated. It's a mixed feeling for me since deep inside I wished she would want to stay together but then I had the epiphany that the last month of countless arguments and distance between us was actually her way of letting go of this relationship. Bittersweet but proud of myself for respecting my own boundaries. Go me! :D
Brilliant advice! In the end, I knew he wasn't making me happy, I realised I was making excuses for him, that he wasn't taking responsibility for his actions and blame shifting and repeating behaviours I had said I wasn't comfortable with. Once I realised I wasn't shifting my expectations of a partner, and he wasn't changing or neither was I, I knew it was over. So happy I left that relationship that wasn't serving me to make room for one that does.
@@cherie5629 Bloody brilliant haha. If you're questioning your relationship at all and find yourself more unhappy than happy, it's best to move on, let it go and work on yourself.
This is me 2 weeks ago. Broke up with my bf who I was unhappy with for months before the breakup. Now I feel lost and lonely cause my friends aren’t the best at hanging out with me. I had the same thought about change and I realized things weren’t gonna change. I definitely stayed too long but I can’t do anything now expect move forward.
It’s a recipe for going mad. I can’t agree more. Do not let others problems become yours. I love this video so much, it’s seriously helping me to get over this breakup.
My dear if you seriously want to recover ur relationship / get ex back or a specific person Dr Fred Morgan is the best when it comes to recovery relationship, he recover mine and he can also help you..
I saw too many things that were just part of that person that wasn't going to change. Within 2 months, I was out of the relationship. It wasn't even worth fighting about for me.
I love this ❤️ this happened to me a while back, things weren’t so good with my guy and I was on the verge of breaking up with him when I had that epiphany and asked myself “ where am I so broken that I feel like Its ok to put up with disrespect “ and I started working to nurture the fuck out of myself. he saw that and did the same and started working on himself ,in the end we worked things out and are now in a way better place ❤️
I truly believe there are only a handful of people in the world you can truly love. And once you find that person, you give them your unconditional love. So think that's why we do put on those blinders on and excuse the flaws. Because are TERRIFIED we won't find another love again. Thank you Matthew. All your words really truly hit home for me. Spot on.
I've ended a 2 years long very toxic on-off situationship. I let him go. I am in peace, all other areas of my life are fine and I feel grateful for my life. I don't meet anyone else who I want to be with. A plenty of good people out there that I don't want.
I had to let him go. He wasn't ready for life in general, let alone a serious relationship. I was not perfect. I was impatient with him, cold, and hesitant. He was emotionally unavailable to me in almost every way. I was determined to stay and fight, until I realized I was the only one fighting. His words and actions did not meet. My temper caused me to act rash and say cruel things because I was hurt. I hope that he finds the peace he needs and that he will be happy in all the ways I wasn't enough. Sometimes loving someone is knowing you aren't the best for them. That's pure.
I really needed this ! I wish there were more videos like that cause having to end a relationship is one of the hardest things you can do especially when there is so much time and feelings invested. I knew all along I was in the wrong relationship but kept going for 7 years cause I thought our circumstances would change and I thought I could change him and we would live happily ever after I suppose, after time I realized we were not compatible at all and the relationship felt extremely forced, there was nothing to talk about and he didn't bring me peace, I was constantly drained with him. I also became increasingly frustrated and snappy and it just wasn't fair for us both. He was a nice guy but just not the right guy for me. We ended up having a really bad break up and the person he was towards the end of our relationship I didn't know at all. I will say this is one of the best decisions I ever made, although I do miss him so much cause he's all I've ever known; I know it was best to set us free, we both deserve more . Now I'm navigating single life at 30 for the first time in years ! This is my first relationship and it's taught me so much.
Hello! I identify with your story. I am 32 , and want to end it. I gave it hope but it eventually drained the both of us. It is a sad situation ...though
@@iuliaciomaga3413 it really is a sad situation, especially if you've been together a long time. It took me about a year to get the courage to end it, it was a decision I didn't take lightly. I stayed to see if we could both make it work but it was really clear it wasn't working. I hope you're okay and whatever decision you make it works out best for you xx
I feel like I needed to see this right now. I am going through a breakup with a partner of 2 years. We split up in November and gave it another go and it's been pretty awful for the last 4 months to the point I can't take any more of the misery and have been hoping something will click back into place but think I now need to accept it won't and move on with my life. I feel like in my head I get a glimpse of what my life will be like out of the relationship and know I will be happier because I feel like I've lost my zest for life. But it doesn't make it any easier to end it and accept loosing someone who you've been close too and intimate and emotional. It's very hard. My partner is quite anxious too and it doesn't help and makes things harder when it ends because I get overwhelmed with reasons from them that it will change and things will eventually fall back into place. I felt like I could really resonate with your message so wanted to reply when I saw it was only 2 weeks ago. I hope your okay and if you could give me any sort of indication that it gets easier I would really appreciate it!
"There's a point at which the source of the problem, actually, it jumps. It transfers. From that person to us. Because, that person is who they've been. That should no longer surprise us. They are who they've been. We're now the person who's continuing to complain about old information. And we have to then look at ourselves and say, what's, what's, going on with me? That I either can't leave this person, and can't seem to shift, or can't stay with this person and shift my expectation of them. Cus if we stay with someone who won't change, and we're unwilling to shift our expectation, then we become the reason we're complaining."
This is my ex to a T. He always has someone lined up. He never learned how to be alone for one day. I was terrified to be alone, but knew it was time to move on when he was focused on others and not me.
Reminiscing about the pain you passing through, because have been in your situation, i even got depressed when the situation got out of my hands, but the situations did not go out of the hands of a spell caster that helped me detect where the problem was coming from and helping me clear the problem, there something that is affecting your relationship you do not know, and helping you solving the problems I promise you, you can ask me how to get contact with him
The problem we often forget about- there are people coming out of toxic first relationships with at least one parent and they deeply are in the feeling that it is their responsibility to keep relationships going because if the relation to another person ( no matter friendship oder love) doesn‘t work it is their own fault! They learned that they are the only one beeing responsible for the working of a relationship- and so there is a inner „calling“ they need to fix and do and make otherwise they are guilty of failing! This has a massive inpact on their standing close to people who are no longer good for them I hope it is understandebel what I mean- my English could be a lot better! greetings from Austria🌲
This has been an amazing confirmation I have done the right thing exiting the toxic 3rd party dynamic. My ex had his ex in the picture the entire time - they've been trauma bonded over 19 years. Most of it was drug/alcohol fuelled. They still are dope heads. She drinks too. I was his poster girl: top athlete, drug/alcohol free, educated, financially independent - everything she and to be honest he wasnt either. He mirrored me but deep down he resented me, my achievements and sabotaged the connection by getting intimate with her. She was jealous of me too. Tried morphing into me and spied on me. It was a horrible process to put the puzzle pieces together. I became a psychology expert over the 4.5 years this went on. Discovered NPD and BPD in 2019 and towards the end I could accurately predict their actions. Eventually I went zero contact and blocked them all and everyone connected to them. I'm so proud how strong I became by reparenting my inner child and healing abandonment trauma from my childhood. I realised these 2 were mirroring my parents dynamic and thats how I broke free. Life is amazing now.
Ending a relationship is excruciating agony. It has triggered very bad depression in me, feel hopeless and at times suicidal. I'm clinging to God with all my might 😔🙏
@@babbaruff1045 what are the samarirams? If you don’t mind me asking. And you are not alone, you have God & Angels surrounding you. This is just a season/phase of your life. It won’t always be this way! 🙏🏽
@@imalexisroberts sorry I meant the Samaritans. They are a volunteer-based counselling and listening service to people in need in the UK and Ireland. Thank you for being so kind. I hope God and the angels can get through this 🙏
I was in a relationship for almost 7 years, and part of why I stayed that long was the fact that we had been together as long as we had, and neither of us had ever had a relationship that had even lasted for a year before, so that must count for something, right? What ultimately broke us up was the fact that he was not willing to change, to the point where he didn't even want to try couples therapy; it was the only idea I could come up with to help us, and he saw therapy as a cop-out.
I experienced the same, our relationship lasted 6 years. I was staying mostly because I was holding on to what we "could be" not what we were, and we lasted 6 years, so we could "make it work". My ex didn't want to try couple therapy either... leaving was the hardest thing I ever had to do
A lot of men do not like being told they have things about them that need changing. They refuse to admit they have faults. I have told my husband that sometimes making changes is positive and it will make improvements to his future but he still refuses. It is very frustrating.
Women get into a relationship hoping a man will change, and he never does; men get into a relationship hoping the woman don't change, but she always does. Men do not change, period. A man may change some habits due to cohabitation but there is no way to change his character...if he changed his character, then he will not be the same person a woman fell in love in the first place. He will become someone else, and in the end, the woman leaves him...
The ‘ah ha’ moment was ‘what’s wrong with me that I continue to have speculative expectations’ ... powerful and true ☺️ As always, thank you Matthew ☺️🤗
I was in a very abusive relationship for a total of 20 years. I left 3 times and ended up back together. I finally left for good in January because my kids were also being abused and I finally woke up. It took too long. I wish I had stayed away sooner and though I love my children more than my own life, I wish I hadn't had them in that relationship with that person. I stayed because of fear, many many different fears. I wish I had had different examples of healthy relationships growing up to know sooner that it was a terrible relationship. We owe our children a good example so they don't screw it up. I left for my kids. I'm getting healthy for my kids. I will make better choices going forward for them.
This single video validates why I needed to end my 8 1/2 year relationship this past June. She wasn’t going to change. Her daughter was always going to have no boundaries and the lack of intimacy was “ok “ with my partner. For my part, I walked away with the knowledge that I gave this woman 100% of my love.
Ugg, I’m in the same boat. Married a man with 6 kids, been 4 years and have been verbally abused and manipulated by the kids who’s mother walked out on them over 10 years ago. Their Dad has gotten better but very little boundaries because of guilt he suffers. I’ve left twice and bought my own home, constantly guilted in coming back due to “we need to make it work, the kids need you, I need you. My home I bought has been my refuge and haven, I never want to return to any of it.
Hi...listened to this podcast last night...perfect timing and clarification, so today I ended it, debated over a letter or conversation which would have just ended in immature responses, so I sent a text, nothing more than they deserve. I stared at it for ages, but, I could not live in constant fear and anxiety anymore waiting for change, expecting disappointment, and feeling emotionally drained....too many chances given, patience and forgiveness....I deserve better...thank you...listening again!
Sometimes it’s hard to know when to throw in the towel especially if you view it as being loyal and trying to make it work. It’s possible to feel like you can’t leave even if you are not happy out of duty.
I've been in a relationship where I had decided to revise my expectations. However I must have been fooling myself bc I still wasn't happy and stayed too long. Afterwards, I realized all the things I wanted were needs bc I still wanted them. Agree that it is so important to understand our needs/values.
Exactly what I needed to hear. When they are not willing to even acknowledge a problem that you have with them, its over. Its pure emotional abuse at that point.
I had to leave my ex, even though I knew that it would feel unbearably painful; because I had to talk over the logical reality in my head. He was only getting worse over time (more controlling, more criticizing, and he was less afraid to inflict emotional abuse onto me, because it just seemed easier for him to do it each time). He started going to counseling the month before I asked for the breakup, but he was still getting worse, and I was relieved when I didn't have to listen to somebody criticize me in my ear almost everyday. I got to see her continuation of his attitude towards me after the breakup when I seen his Tik Tok videos. This was one of the only times that I was glad that social media existed, so that I could watch a person in the making without having to be there with them. It was very revealing of his character and reminded me of the true reality of the situation.
I didn’t wait for years to settle for this. He’s not available in ways I also want. I will miss him and grateful for our time together. I gotta move on and be good to myself. It hurts, and that’s ok.
My epiphany moment was you talking about how we sell ourselves or write off the negatives about our partners just because they DO have a lot of what we want or need. But it's those grievances, those annoyances, those things they're unwilling/unable to change that make us realize how unhappy we are & will become.
The reality is that even when those are not issues in a relationship - the simple honest reality is that you CAN still reject a mutual, respectful, conductive, constantly improving, genuine, honest, and true loving relationship and decide to want better for yourself. Either you can embrace singledom and be at peace as a person who is still kind, respectful, and improving people in society OR you can have multiple romantic lovers. Both are a choice.
While listening to you speak the epiphany moment for me was when you spoke about continuing the relationship and adjusting expectations or leaving and that it’s a recipe for going mad to stay and not adjust your expectations. I know I have to leave, I have given 5 yrs, feels like changes are made for 5 minutes and then return back to the same old ways. I am exhausted. I will remain unhappy and continue to waste precious time hoping permanent changes will ever be made. Time to go now! 😊
I stayed in my relationship with my ex way longer than I should have because I didn't want to look like a failure because things weren't working out. I didn't want my child to grow up in a divorced home, even though the constant arguing was way worse. We both married each other for the wrong reasons and we admitted this to one another way after the divorce was final. We both came from families with toxic parents who had bad relationships skills and we learned bad habits from them. We both had unresolved childhood trauma. I did a lot of counseling and therapy for mine and can say I'm better but not perfect. I know what I want now and what I am willing to put up with in a new relationship. I know I'm good on my own too and being single isn't a bad thing. I've accomplished a lot being single and I'm not going to settle just to say I have the "title of girlfriend or wife." Keep up the good work on the videos gentlemen.
This video is so calming and supporting. It really holds your hand while detaching from "what you wanted IT to be", and what's not. And to choose ourselves. Always. Tanks guys ❤
They jump straight into another relationship because the tear of attachment motivates them to find another bond or attachment. Its also how your brain works to protect you.
when the “source of problem transfers from them to us”...yes, I agree...we need to look at ourselves and our expectations of the relationship or person that we know won’t change. And, I feel we need to love and respect ourselves and our needs in the process.
Matthew you content is always great but this video is probably one of the best ones. It's tackling the most difficult question of relationship life. It's 100% as you say as heartbreaking it is. As simple and obvious it sounds that it does never make sense to stay in unhappiness and pain when you already know it will not change but as difficult it is to end it. I did do it myself a few times, and the worst is that we intuitively and secretly -know- for long time - but it's only human I guess we cannot take the ultimate decision immediately. Thanks so much doing this, helping us to understand things better.
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I was also in such a relationship, but I was broken up with. Based precisely on this idea that I would not change and I am as I am. And normally I would say: good for my ex, but I also had no chance to change (which I would have been super happy to do), because she never talked to me about it. Expecting someone to change but also never addressing a problem or concern isn't exactly fair either. 😒
@M Gagua Yes, more or less out of the blue - also her statement by the way. Over the years we had our problem areas but according to her we had solved them. She always blamed all the other problems of her unhappy life on external things and explicitly praised me again and again, thanked me and told me that she loved me. But don't get me wrong. I certainly could have understood more. Read more between the lines. I don't want to absolve myself entirely.
oh my god, same... My ex never talk about anything or how she feels. It's like thinking I somehow can understand and read minds... If she did mention any of those stuff she's unhappy about, and I didn't show improvement, then sure I deserve what I get. But she keep quiet about everything ... Edit: realised she was cheating, that explains everything. Dodged a bullet there.
This happened to me recently… I was shocked that she hadn’t tried to communicate the problems to me. I was 100% committed to putting a lot of work and change into a relationship if the need ever arose. She explained that she had, but that she mostly prefers to communicate through suggestions and hints. In her view of relationships, she doesn’t think she should have to explicitly ask to be loved in the way that she wants to be. It ruins it for her. I’m honestly super confused; being willing to work on a relationship in an explicit way seems to be such an important piece of a partnership (Matthew seems to believe in it!). Does anyone think I’m wrong here? Genuinely would love to hear an alternate perspective.
@@tamari138 I don´t think you are wrong. Quite the opposite. As time goes by I realise more and more that to work in an explicit open communicated way is mature and right thing for a relationship. People often can´t understand themselves. Therefore I think it´s quite impossible to just communicate by suggestions and hints. Sorry that you have to deal with this situation.
@@tamari138 anyone who always expects their partner to pick up on hints/read between the lines is too immature for an adult relationship, or else they're a manipulator who gets off on watching you drive yourself crazy trying to second guess everything they say. Better off without that.
I liked Stephens approach in the beginning, looking at reasons why people stay in a relationship even if they feel its wrong. Often its fear (of hurting the other, of a hard and uncomfortable talk, of loosing sth liked etc) and the inability to take the step. It would have been great to hear the discussion go on in that direction.
What an enlightening conversation. I totally agree with you, that was why I walked away from my ex who is unwilling to change. I feel relieved and feeling very positive about the break-up.
Staying in a bad relationship has its roots in childhood...if we didn't receive love we are comfortable and familiar with being in a relationship that lacks love and care.
My epiphany moment came 2 days ago, that is 2 days before I watched this video, when I realised that I was letting the guy who was keeping me hooked for over a decade treat me this way. It’s me, I, I’m the problem it’s me. I decided I was going to stop playing games with him. I sent him the following message: “ I know that my last Facebook message might be confusing to you given our history and I am finally ready to come clean because I believe you deserve to know the truth. The truth is I feel uneasy about how we joke about hooking up with other people. I should have let you know sooner I know. The thing is I still feel embarrassed about sharing my feelings with you regard my interest in you as a future partner and not getting the response I desired. I wanted to safe face. I thought I could play it cool. But this is not me. I am not cool. I have many attractive qualities (and many unattractive ones) but being cool is not one of them. Being brutally honest is. I was hoping that by playing it cool I will get you to be interested in me. This is not fair to you or to me. I was being selfish. I deserve someone who loves me for me and not because I make them. So do you. I believe you have so much to give when you meet the right person. I will give you this piece of advice though. Playing around is not going to get you there. I really hope you can understand the depth of what I am saying. I believe you are intelligent enough to understand but I also know that you are not used to someone speaking to you like this and that you may not like it. But this is me. This is how I am comfortable expressing myself. I thought you deserve to know the real me. I really do wish you the best.” He responded with one line only “wish you the best as well”. These were his exact words. It is then that I realised he really did not love me nor did he ever intend to be with me. I deleted my message to him because I didn’t want it to remain in his inbox, blocked his number and deleted our chat. I made sure to take some snap shots of our messages to remind myself of why we didn’t work and to make sure I don’t repeat this pattern with any one else.
"If you can't Change him CHANGE HIM..." Can't we swear by this indeed?? I know better said thn done. I myself allowed toxic relationship for a long while but now no more
Alot of times they don't leave is because they have no friends no money and no help. And maybe they have children, and worried about them. They are scared of being alone with no help. Also in some cases they say there sorry for what ever reason and you believe them when they say I'm sorry, it won't happen again, until it does. Thing is all men and woman need to leave after I think first try of really mending the relationship. My opinion..
This is su incredibly true and so incredibly powerful. We suffer because we "don't leave, don't adjust our expectations, and they don't change". The level clarity and wisdom you bring to understanding human dynamics is so impressive. Life changing. Thank you so much for your gift.
And ya'll think about this: you are in this unhappy crappy situation and you casually meet someone else, amazing, wonderful, and you let them go because you want to make the crappy relationship work at any cost. Even at the cost of love.
Not so much an epiphany from your podcast, but from observing myself and others. When someone feels like they are going crazy over a situation, it’s because their thinking is stuck in a groove like a skipping record, going around and around, A->B->C->A again over and over. The reason they feel crazy is because they REFUSE to consider a viable option/solution at one of the steps (such as “leave my partner”). Once the solution is identified AND ACCEPTED, sanity can begin to return.
"Our relationship with a person is the relationship we have today, not the relationship we have in the future". That was my epiphany moment.
I know of a great spiritual man who can help you under 48 hours🌷🌹🌷🌷🌷🌷x
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Or the one we might have had in the past.
It's lucky your not in project management my g. Sometime you gotta plan ahead
If I'd have believed this in the past I wouldn't have this improved relationship with my bf now
"Consider how hard it is to change yourself, then you realise how foolish it is to think you can change other people" - 🔥
So true
Very true.
Wow, that’s so true. That sticks pretty well with me
Yup. You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue in their actions.
This is what I always say
That's what I was saying to her , she never understood. Finally our relationship ended but I feel good that it ended .. it would have been difficult had I got married to that person.
So true
@@junii741 can i ask u, in what way does she not know that she has issues? I hope u can reply because im also in the similar situation
His/her.
WHEN TO QUIT: BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF! Don’t waste your time on the wrong person, and don’t make excuses for him or her and fool yourself! Stop expecting him or her to change!
1. When things won’t change for the better.
2. Your needs are not met, and he/ she will not be able to meet your needs in the future.
3. Constant disrespect and blame shifting.
4. He/ she is always the victim, and turns the argument away from the real issue.
5. No responsibility taken and no positive changes made.
6. No constructive communication.
7. Avoidance of looking deeper into problems/ issues.
8. He/ she won’t change because no acknowledgment, and no indication and no commitment to change him/ herself. No motivation to change.
9. You are always walking on eggshells around him/ her.
10. No true understanding and deeper view of what is bothering you or hurting you. He/ she just does not care!
Wow you just described my on/off ex of 8 years. Time for me to move on for real. Thank you for this!
Wow my ex was almost all of these!
My ex 100%
Agree. I moved on already . I’m here just Trying to get more insight for future .
I wish i saw this video sooner !!!!
That's my 25 yr relationship in a nutshell. Explosive anger, abuse, pathological lying and zero empathy for anyone but himself.....should be easy to leave, right? First I didn't want to break up my family...then I didn't want to lose my farm, my beloved animals, my dream home that I've worked so hard on.....then I got sick, then sicker (cancer) and now I can't work. I'm making an exit plan. He's incapable of change. He's okay with hurting me. I know it won't get better - just worse. Leave while you're young.
I was in a relationship for 6 years and leaving was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
I wasn't happy nor fulfilled in that relationship and was killing a part of me by staying, but I couldn't let go.
My needs weren't met & we were fighting/arguing a lot.
I was staying because I was attached and holding on to my idea of what we "could be", but it wasn't what we were.
I was staying because I was so afraid of being alone and never finding someone else.
I was staying because we made it work for 6 years, so we could continue to "make it work". But "making it work" isn't having a fulfilled relationship.
It took me MONTHS to accept that I had to leave...
He was my first love.
I can understand that tbh... i had a relationship with someone for 2 years now and i thought we could make it work too but i realised it hurt me....
Severing all of those ties IS painful; it will eventually get better though! When you meet that person that just blows your mind it’s all gonna be worth it and it’s all going to make sense. People can love each other deeply but that doesn’t mean they’re compatible. Keep your chin up!
The thing is it takes two to tango! And if you want to make it work and he starts acting like a child... You end up being his nagging mother... when I realized that I let go...
If he grows up and I'm still available who knows... but when they hurt you a lot... I don't even know if it's worth it! Plus I don't know if people really change at this point!🤔
Just let my first love go a week ago!!
This sounds the SAME as my 3 year relationship.
Thank you for sharing ♥️
@kingsley anita how I want to know???
Fear of abandonment hurts more than staying until staying hits a threshold of more pain than abandonment then we leave.
Very true. Unfortunately I am crossing the later threshold….stonewalling phase.
Minute 22 one of Eckhart Tolle’s greatest teachings: So change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.
Which book is this?
@@ashleydiaz8739 The Power of Now
@@uncannyvally7022 au,99£
@@Flamegon1992 p
Yes…I love Eckhart Tolle’s teachings! ❤️❤️
Just ended my marriage of 10 years and it was extremely difficult but I wasn't benefiting either of us and we were both miserable. The hardest part is that he would have stayed miserable forever on the basis that 'staying together' was what we were supposed to do. He may think it's because I didn't love him but the reality is that I loved him too much to have him waste his life with someone he didn't really like that much. Hopefully someday he'll realize it was for the best. As for me, I've been single for 6 months and plan to stay that way until I do all the work I need to break my pattern of staying with men who don't really seem to like me or think I need to try harder. Tired of feeling like I need to earn someones love. It's just not happening anymore.
You did the right thing! At least in my opinion. I just left my boyfriend because I felt like he didn't really like me. I didn't love him though 😂 I can't love a man who isn't truly madly deeply in love with me. We all deserve to feel sexy and adored.
EDIT: he was also toxic and tried to manipulate me to stay in the relationship, I guess that made it a lot easier to break up with him. He also loves to tell me how I am not good enough and how I was weak..so yeah definitely not a keeper
I don't know much about your situation but you said you have a pattern of "staying with men who don't really seem to like me or think I need to try harder" - it sounds a lot like you didn't feel you needed to grow and be better. If guys don't like you or think you need to try harder, maybe they were hoping you would grow into a better person, or a better partner at least. Which is a great thing to want for your partner. It makes sense not to stay with people who can't accept you at all, but if the pattern was that you weren't really good enough then I have the answer - get better and be more likeable. Find out what men want/need in a partner and be that. Did you ask your partners specifically what your partners thought you needed to change? You have to make sure you pick the right type of guy, obviously, but you also have to be the right type of partner.
What makes you think you don't need to earn someone's love? I guess if you take your relationship for granted you don't, but if you talk to people who have been happily married for a long time (and still are) they will usually say that it is a lot of work and you have to keep working at it, and you can't just sit on your laurels and think it's all done. Have you ever heard the advice given to guys to reaffirm their love for their women every day? Sounds exhausting to me but if that's what is required then that's what you do. I don't see why it women wouldn't need to do the same as well, we are supposed to be supporting gender equality after all.
My god; it felt as if I was reading myself
“The hardest part is that he world have stayed miserable forever on the basis that “staying together” was what we were supposed to do.”
This hit me in the gut. Shannon I’m sorry for your heartbreak, your pain and your loss. I’m grateful you shared your experience. My journey starts this week.
@@thecurrentmoment I disagree. Relationships are difficult and they do require work but they shouldn’t be THAT difficult. There should be a sense of ease, a sense of peace and acceptance. Obviously this lady felt like she needed to grow otherwise she would have simply stayed put.
I don’t think anyone strives to be or wants to be unlikable but we can only do so much. You can be the sweetest, kindest, nicest, most fun, easy going gf/wife but your partner might still not like you. You can work on your likability until you’re blue in the face but if your partner simply doesn’t like you then they simply don’t like you. It’s a compatibility issue. No one wants to feel like they’re not enough and they constantly need to do more and more. We are all a work in progress up until the day we die but there are certain qualities we simply cannot change and that’s ok.
Having just left a relationship with an addict, I think the reason why we stay in bad relationships for longer than we should have is because we cling onto the memories of the good times where we have seen their potential (to be a good partner or a good friend). But people rarely live up their potential because of the amount of work required to get there, and that's ultimately for them to figure it out, not us.
This is so true. My problem is that the person want just leave. Moving to start over seem to be my only option. I'm in so much disbelief. My whole life has changed behind this. Ugh and ugh!
IMO the time to leave is when a few things start to happen:
- you start dreading coming home to this person or them coming home to you
- you would rather be anywhere else than sitting across from them at the dinner table
- you start to walk on eggshells
- you start second guessing everything you say or do, wondering how they will react
- hearing about their day is torture because you really do not care, or they make it obvious they're not interested at all in listening to you
- you or they don't treat the relationship with respect
- hearing them breathing next to you on the sofa makes you want to climb up a wall
- the bad moments start to be more often than the good ones
- you've had several conversations about expectations and issues and nothing changes
- disagreements are escalating into screaming matches
Wow! I got to the point where I hated hearing my husband BREATHE. It took over a decade to realize that he would never change. He convinced me that I was the problem. I wasn’t doing the crazy stuff he did.
@@nitahudson5109 … Gaslighting you. He sounds like a narc. Blessings to you
every time my ex would pick me up, i would have to take a deep breath before i got in his car. i wished i walked away before that point.
THIS ... Every single one of these, especially dreading seeing him, I would literally have to give myself a pep talk before I spent the day with him, I was so much happier alone ; that's when I knew I had to set us both free, I just couldn't do it anymore.
During the pandemic didn't we all feel at least half of these? It's hard to figure out how much of it is because of issues that are beyond our control- a pandemic or lack of money, or because of incompatibility.
"It doesn't mean he's going to change,it just means you're giving him another chance" talk about pearls of wisdom in that sentence ALONE!!!! 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾💯💯💯
Then it comes down to - you inherently cannot change a person. So I think even giving a chance does not amount to anything and you just end up prolonging the breakup unnecessarily. If you find an issue ask yourself if it’s a big deal - if not then continue if not stop by all means . 100% of the time if there is an issue it means you don’t like it to continue in the first place
I can't move on to new affections that easily. Deep inside I'm still connected to the last relationship. The idea that a new person can suddenly mean so much turns my stomach.
Thank you for saying this! That's exactly how I feel.
Same for me. I have been single for a long time between my relationships and I know people that just got into another relationship after a few weeks. "It turns my stomach" applies for me as well :(
Perfect way of describing it. That's what keeps me in relationships/situations that i really shouldn't be in, because I know it'll be years before i meet someone I can feel that way about again, and probably fall into exactly the same trap again...
I have this issue. It’s not good for us.
They're not saying it's easy. They're saying it becomes realistic, possible, emotionally manageable once we come to terms with someone not being what we need because we see how bad they really are for us.
It could simply be as bad as weighing our lives down, holding us back from being the person we've been trying to be or want to be. If they show no desire to stop acting like a cannon ball chained to us then... Are we gonna do something about it?...
That's all this is about. It's not about easy, it's about respecting ourselves enough and being realistic enough to make it possible. Just possible.
Plus, the sooner you're out the more time you buy yourself to figure out how to avoid this from happening again.
I *highly* recommend really getting to know someone before starting a relationship. I had to let go of a connection that was recent (3 months). The connection was intense and I was tempted to be swept away because we seemed compatible. Right on the dot, within 90 days, the real character manifested itself. His life is dysfunctional and chaotic and he was content to just distract himself rather than fixing it. He also deflected and blamed whenever I brought up issues we were having but never took any personal responsibility. Just imagine how much more would have happened if I actually decided to bypass getting to know him just so I could have a relationship. I shudder to think! My biggest lesson for myself is that if I date someone with the hope/intention that he'll change, he is wrong for me, full stop. If I'm smart, I'll tap out and move on
I agree 💯 as I learned that the hard way. I wanted to be in a relationship so bad, I overlooked the red flags, thinking we could work on it together. But red flags just piled up and don’t get resolved completely, and I felt like I did most of the work. At one point, I thought, wait, why am I trapping myself by committing to an unfulfilling and unhealthy relationship, when I really should be getting to know this person and they should be getting to know me (ideally with their best behavior)? So yea, super important to get to know someone before committing.
Wow, I just experienced exactly the same thing after 3 months of dating. All the best for you.
It’s a bit of a double edged sword, my boyfriend was my best friend for 5 years before we got together. I knew there were some aspects of his character I disliked but I decided to look past them, but nothing had prepared me for what was coming. The first two years of our relationship were a bit of a nightmare with ups and downs. So yeah, you might think you know someone but you don’t actually know them until you enter a romantic relationship with them so this could lead to more of your time being wasted.
You could be describing my situation, except that he was very apologetic in the beginning, as most men are. The problem was that nothing changed.
I’m with a man 16 months now. His life is chaotic but he tries very hard to make time for me, but at 66 I don’t have time to wait for the time he gets his life together. He is rebuilding an old house, all he could afford, to eventually live in . He is also an accomplished artist and needs time and space for that. Right now he’s living w his widowed sister,since his divorce a few years ago. He is unorganized and it drives me crazy. He’s a nice man and loves me but not what I signed up for, a retired man with time and energy for a full relationship. You need more videos on how to break up with someone without breaking their hearts. 😢
They did an awesome job on this topic. But they forgot to mention the fear of seeing the person change for someone else after you let them go. The embarrassment, rejection, and extra level of heartbreak that you will feel. I believe that is another reason why people get stuck in that unhappy state of paralysis. I know because it is what I'm going through now. I stayed way too long. But it had gotten to the point where I believe I was becoming a part of my own heartache and pain by staying knowing that he wasn't going to change for me. So, if he treats another the way I've been begging him to treat me for years, it will be extra painful, but at least I did what I had to do in order to find my own happiness. I looked out for me. And that should mean something towards my healing and my future.
🤗❤️you are loved honey,by an awesome God,just wanted you to know ❤️
Yep. I hear you OP. reading your comment was confronting. All the very best for you. :)
I'm so sorry... what helps this is only focusing on you. You have gotta stop looking at him.... and go inside and do you....
I feel this
Extremely painful when someone could not do things you expected for years and suddenly after a breakup they are doing exactly those things with someone else. Then you ask yourself is it me? Or is it timing? What is it all about?
I ended my 2 year relationship with my first love a month ago. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I felt instant regret for hurting them in the process. But it DOES get better, and slowly I’m realizing that it was for the best. You can’t date someone’s potential. I wasn’t being loved in the way I wanted or needed, and recognizing that is important. I still get anxious about what could’ve been and have doubts but they’ve been slowly fading. If you’re going through the same thing, remember you’re worth being loved by someone who’ll love you in a way you need/want. That loving someone should be easy and you should feel happy and energized when you’re with that person. Everything will be ok.
My ex was not a toxic person or mean in anyway, in fact he was incredibly loving and kind. I adored that about him and those were the qualities I embraced. But then there was his lack of ambition. We had fights for the entirety of our relationship about being long distance and not being there for one another. I even moved to his country for school and he refused to move 4 hours to another city so we could be together, always finding excuses or reasons as to why he wasn't ready yet. Finally, one day, after contemplating leaving for months, I broke down crying while he was visiting. He was supposed to leave in 2 hours and enough was enough. I sat him down and broke his heart. I still feel like a terrible person for doing that, don't think it was appropriate timing, but I am proud with how strong I was in the moment. So then I came to this video, been questioning if I had made a horrible decision and my epiphany moment was realizing that even if he was making steps, it wasn't enough and it wasn't something I could accept. Nothing is going to radically change tomorrow and I deserve someone who loves me and makes the effort for us to be together.
I fully agree with you. Don't sell yourself short or compromise your standard and core values! At the end of the day, you are the one responsible for your happiness and accountable to yourself.
The truth is most relationships will end, sooner or later, for various reasons - incompatibility, unmet needs, people changing in different directions, not wanting the same thing, wanting something new, someone new. Because now breaking up is such an easy option. I was talking to a very old lady, in her 80s, and she said something that rang true to me:"Do not think that marriages lasted a lifetime in the old days necessarily because we wanted to. But it was the only option available, divorce was not an easy way out, as it is today. We had to make do with what and whom we had, and try to be content about it.''
Marriage is a social trap guys One gets stuck . Specially wen u hv children u want to stay in that awful situation of marriage only for kids security
That's miserable. And yet my folks who have been married almost 60 years now have been through so much...and yet not once did they cheat, become unfaithful, desire others, etC. They stuck it out no matter what...even the toxicity...and overcame every hurdle. Then again, they have very strong faith in their religion/God (who all ove and strength come from), so that helps, so I've been told. And yet here i am being inspired by them and failing badly and being taken for granted a lot by those I choose to give my love to...
The search continues, I guess.
The "feeling of Lov"e is certainly not enough. My folks keep telling me LOVE is a VERB...you actively
Work on it every day
Or death...
I need an advice
+2348101367929⏭️⏭️⏭️⏭️Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup..,
I think there is a big difference between working through inevitable problems in a relationship, and recognizing that a person isn’t for you. Seeing how a person handles aforementioned problems is a crucial part of getting to know that person in the beginning.
Can you please explain this more in abit more detail? As in what do you mean by how they deal with problems?
@@SF-jf3xv some people argue just to "Win" instead of fixing the problem.
Anyone can be for anyone if both parties recognize their differences and accept and respect that person for who they are.
If your partner always ignore you.... Back off from that relationship.... life after break up will be good
I think I'm at a point in my relationship where I'm willing to change myself and be better, rather than place all the expectations on my partner. I'm actually grateful because I can improve on myself and not be so critical. I want to treat my partner with compassion and grace.
Such a mature outlook.. I could be more this way myself.
can u elaborate on this? i like ur comment
I was with my ex for 5 years. It was officially over after 2 1/2. Why did I stay? Lack of self confidence, manipulation, lots of things. I am now with my partner almost 4 years. He is amazing. So kind, thoughtful, generous. He loves people genuinely, and is such a happy and positive person. I am currently living my best life. 😊❤
Some reason they don't leave is low self esteem.. No confidence in themselves to actually know they can do it. Starting over in life can be quite difficult and scary for some people. But it sure is worth it when they do. People hate the fact they failed in a relationship and have to start all over again. But starting over can be fun and challenging but worth it.
That's is true, tho I find it hard to be in a relationship because of my busy status..but I guess I have to take the risk.
Can we talk more Janet?
@Kingsley Anita ⅝
When you've done your inner work and you respect yourself.. (know your worth)
you'll realise you don't need a relationship like this, and drop it like a hot potato!
You'll be more aware when you meet someone like that in the future and won't even get into it! 💯👌😁👑
This just happened to me, the breakup has taught me so much and has been a total blessing in disguise. Learnt so much from it and will never EVER make the same mistakes again.
@Kingsley Anita thanks anyway, but I don't want any of my ex's back!
They are ex's for a reason,!!
yes !
I never loved myself. Never treated my gf well and she finally got the courage and broke up with me. It was a long time coming and I deserved it. I had just started changing a month before the break up but it was to late. Two months of constantly trying to be better. Nothing but love and thanks for making such a tough and painful decision. It was the best thing for both of us. Hopefully we can meet again and introduce our new selves to each other.
I am driving myself mad. So true. Had a same thought a few days ago. They are not affected by the daily pain WE put our mind through by ruminating about the needs that are not being met.
That was incredibly and so clearly explained. Our logic and reasoning become so highjacked by our emotions that we become active participants in perpetuating our own misery.
I pray the universe grant your heart desire Hey friends I got my relationship fixed with the help of this great spiritualist who brought my ex after many months of separation,,, ,..
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I want to say the main reason people don't leave right away once a relationship goes bad is they want to make sure this is where the relationship is actually at, this takes time to do
for me the main question for me is over time does the relationship bring me more problems or heart ache than it brings me some form of happiness or joy
I like the term fall in love. It hurts to fall… you loose your balance. Same as early in in relationships…. Stay grounded and date someone in public and listen to what they say and don’t say. Watch them. It honestly helps you to stay on level ground so you can see things as they are. I’m growing. Thank you for all your advice
Aha moment for me he said something along the lines of "even if you already discussed and agree on the change you still have the whole road of change ahead of you. If they haven't even agreed yet, you're living in a fantasy that they will change."
Thank you Matthew
Context: I am going through a divorce and countless times have questioned whether I left too soon and maybe he would have changed.
"Our relationship with a person is the relationship we have today, not the relationship we have in the future". This video taught me important lessons. I had 3 options:
1. Hope for this person to change which would have been science fiction. There was absolutely no guarantee this person would change. If he did decide to change, it would have been on their timeline and remember even for ourselves how challenging it is to change our habits. Four parts to change:
a. Being aware of their mistake
b. Apologising for their behaviour
c. Saying they will change
d. Then actually following through on that change.
My ex-husband used to realise he was wrong, after I had broken it down to him and explained it to him so many times, it was exhausting. He would say he is sorry and did the first 3 parts but was not changing. I saw no change.
2. Leave - this is the option I took. I believe the decision I made was the best decision for me because I could see this was going to be a long road and was struggling in that relationship and I would have continued to struggle in that relationship.
3. Accept the revised view of that person, accept them for who they are, revise my expectations of them. - I would not have been able to do this either, I mean I could have but I know I would have questioned why I was in the relationship and ultimately have been very unhappy.
The video also made me question:
Did I ask him to change in a calm, neutral way? Yes, I did.
Did I provide space for him to change? Yes, when did I do this? Then I wrote down 8 examples of me giving him opportunities to change.
This was the kick in the ass I needed. When you get the hard, honest truth and circumstances, you can’t refute it
“Unhappiness paralysis” is what I’m in. This was a very good video.
The biggest mistake we make is rushing into relationships before we truly know who the other person is. We get overwhelmed by attraction and feelings (especially when things get physical) and most of what we think we 'know' of the other person is imagination - a fantasy of sorts. Most of us will put our best foot forward when we first meet someone, in order to impress and attract them (and you can be sure that the other person is doing the exact same thing) this adds to the fantasy - the perception of who the person is rather than who they truely are.
I know it sounds old-fashioned in today's world, but I believe if we went back to simply dating for an extended period (without physical intimacy) and kept an open mind and focused on truly knowing each other, we would be better able to find more suitable partners.
Absolutely right! I met an old friend & was fantasizing what could be & wanted to meet up cuz I knew he was attracted to me. He was honest enough to say he’s too busy & more limiting remain friends before anything started. So now I’m doing no contact because I’m always the first to initiate
@@angiep8217 Good for you Angie!
Absolutely. Trying to find someone on the same page as this. But so far they don't believe you're serious and try to pressure you. Ugh
Definitely! I'm so happy with how my gf likes us to take it slowly on the physical side, while getting to know each other emotionally. She thought the 2nd date was fast to be kissing :) The guys who say to drop a woman if she won't put out fast are totally wrong, unless sex is all the man is after. When we do reach physical 'milestones', each one feels special.
@@lovelace8702 I think it's best to be very clear about where you are. Eg "I like you a lot - I fancy you loads! But I don't like to get physical quickly, I want to see how we develop over time." Guys have been trained to be insecure about this, so I recommend being very clear that you are physically attracted to him, and be very clear that you don't 'put out' right away even for an 'Alpha Chad' like him (unless you do/have commonly put out previously - don't lie to him). Remember that men are at least as insecure as you are, are starved for praise, and usually confused & desperate for clarity.
Making someone change is a lot of work. Ask yourself if this is the type of person or behavior You can tolerate with? If the answer is yes, then stay. If the answer is no, then leave.
This is why knowing your boundaries (non-negotiable) are vital. The moment that person crossed those boundaries you gotta cut them loose.
I understand that some cases is a little complicated if you have long-term partner or spouse, best-friend etc but there has to be a limit otherwise your pain and suffering will not end.
The comments have been as insightful as the video content. I just want to say Good luck to those considering ending a relationship, fast healing and happiness to you 🙏
"People stay unhappy because they don't leave, they don't revise there expectations and that person doesn't change...🤯"Then the problem shifts from them to you. Because you complain but make no changes". Profound.
I just had an argument with my partner of 12 years because he never changes certain things and we get into a spiral of fights and of course unhappiness. After arguing I turned on the TV (TH-cam) and your video came up. It’s as if the universe gave me in a silver platter what I needed to hear this very second. You are absolutely spot on in everything you said. I just discovered your channel now and will subscribe and listen to more videos. It’s so refreshing to hear a man’s perspective on all of these topics 😊
It's not the universe listening hon, it's our "smart" gadgets are listening for key words. Try it. Talk about dog food...pet ads come up. Buying a car...car ads, etc. And, all of your data goes into the cloud for further behavioral analysis. We are spied on 24/7.
@@DefaultName-bm4qh same thing my cousin said to me about the gadgets.....how do you know this?
Yes this is true our gadgets listen.
Omg... I'm shook. This video is everything... EVERYTHING. It's so validating, it's like getting a hug after something awful happens. Thank you for this; I really needed confirmation and reassurance that my perception is not distorted, I'm not evil, unfair, mean, unreasonable, heartless, disloyal, or wrong to FINALLY break things off. I'm refusing the abuse, disrespect, disregard, manipulation, and dishonesty.
This video gives me another push toward LIFE.
That’s the bind: nobody wants to be a quitter in relationships, but then we stay waaaay too long with a bad situation.
Thanks for having this conversation for us 🙂
I’ve done this with friends and partners.. I’ve stayed wayy to long after the mistreatment/disrespect hoping they would change and believing the lie that they wouldn’t do it again…They always did it again….
+2348101367929⏭️⏭️⏭️⏭️Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup..,
Leaving is the first step... and the pain intensifies following the split. The roller coaster of emotions will continue and the time frame is different for everyone in terms of recovery. Even though the choice was yours... it by no means blunts the pain to leave someone that you love... When the arguments continue... when you start to forget who it is that you fell in love with in the first place... then it is time to take a step back... it's logical but god damn it sucks... nearly 5 months post break-up... and I'm still trying to figure this all out... maybe I never will... but stability, even painful stability is better than chaos.
Spot on, that is only the beginning. Today is day 1 for me. I sincerely hope the best for her nonetheless and gain power from seeing that she isn't devastated. It's a mixed feeling for me since deep inside I wished she would want to stay together but then I had the epiphany that the last month of countless arguments and distance between us was actually her way of letting go of this relationship. Bittersweet but proud of myself for respecting my own boundaries. Go me! :D
“Love happens only once, the rest is just life.”(someone quoted, and I believe it is so)
stupid
Brilliant advice! In the end, I knew he wasn't making me happy, I realised I was making excuses for him, that he wasn't taking responsibility for his actions and blame shifting and repeating behaviours I had said I wasn't comfortable with. Once I realised I wasn't shifting my expectations of a partner, and he wasn't changing or neither was I, I knew it was over. So happy I left that relationship that wasn't serving me to make room for one that does.
How are you doing now? I'm currently going through a breakup and I'm quite firm with my decision to leave but it's still painful
@@cherie5629 Bloody brilliant haha. If you're questioning your relationship at all and find yourself more unhappy than happy, it's best to move on, let it go and work on yourself.
This is me 2 weeks ago. Broke up with my bf who I was unhappy with for months before the breakup. Now I feel lost and lonely cause my friends aren’t the best at hanging out with me. I had the same thought about change and I realized things weren’t gonna change. I definitely stayed too long but I can’t do anything now expect move forward.
It’s a recipe for going mad. I can’t agree more. Do not let others problems become yours. I love this video so much, it’s seriously helping me to get over this breakup.
We don't revise our expectations because we have seen their best. We continue to be disappointed when they don't meet it.
Hello friend, I know of a powerful and harmless lady who can help you,
And I strongly believe that she can help you because she helped me before⏭️⏭️
My dear if you seriously want to recover ur relationship / get ex back or a specific person Dr Fred Morgan is the best when it comes to recovery relationship, he recover mine and he can also help you..
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Exactly!!!!why behave so nice and set the bar high at the beginning and then continue to disappoint later on???!
I saw too many things that were just part of that person that wasn't going to change. Within 2 months, I was out of the relationship. It wasn't even worth fighting about for me.
That was me 2 days ago
I love this ❤️ this happened to me a while back, things weren’t so good with my guy and I was on the verge of breaking up with him when I had that epiphany and asked myself “ where am I so broken that I feel like Its ok to put up with disrespect “ and I started working to nurture the fuck out of myself. he saw that and did the same and started working on himself ,in the end we worked things out and are now in a way better place ❤️
+2348103378310⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup.,
Love this! What kind of nurturing practice did you do?
Beautiful. When loving oneself one sets boundaries and inspires. Love it or leave it.
I truly believe there are only a handful of people in the world you can truly love. And once you find that person, you give them your unconditional love. So think that's why we do put on those blinders on and excuse the flaws. Because are TERRIFIED we won't find another love again. Thank you Matthew. All your words really truly hit home for me. Spot on.
I've ended a 2 years long very toxic on-off situationship. I let him go. I am in peace, all other areas of my life are fine and I feel grateful for my life. I don't meet anyone else who I want to be with. A plenty of good people out there that I don't want.
I couldn't even express how much I needed this😭
Same
Right!!! Same here... Hugs!!!
@@acostamike2409 have fun
@@sandybritzman9460 ¹
Same 😔
It's very common to forget respecting yourself.. Sometimes we forget to live our own life, listen to ourselves and being happy. Great content ❤️
+2348101367929⏭️⏭️⏭️⏭️Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup..,
I had to let him go. He wasn't ready for life in general, let alone a serious relationship. I was not perfect. I was impatient with him, cold, and hesitant. He was emotionally unavailable to me in almost every way. I was determined to stay and fight, until I realized I was the only one fighting. His words and actions did not meet. My temper caused me to act rash and say cruel things because I was hurt. I hope that he finds the peace he needs and that he will be happy in all the ways I wasn't enough. Sometimes loving someone is knowing you aren't the best for them. That's pure.
I really needed this ! I wish there were more videos like that cause having to end a relationship is one of the hardest things you can do especially when there is so much time and feelings invested. I knew all along I was in the wrong relationship but kept going for 7 years cause I thought our circumstances would change and I thought I could change him and we would live happily ever after I suppose, after time I realized we were not compatible at all and the relationship felt extremely forced, there was nothing to talk about and he didn't bring me peace, I was constantly drained with him. I also became increasingly frustrated and snappy and it just wasn't fair for us both. He was a nice guy but just not the right guy for me.
We ended up having a really bad break up and the person he was towards the end of our relationship I didn't know at all.
I will say this is one of the best decisions I ever made, although I do miss him so much cause he's all I've ever known; I know it was best to set us free, we both deserve more . Now I'm navigating single life at 30 for the first time in years ! This is my first relationship and it's taught me so much.
Hello! I identify with your story. I am 32 , and want to end it. I gave it hope but it eventually drained the both of us. It is a sad situation ...though
@Laura UK thankyou Laura 🤗 x
@@iuliaciomaga3413 it really is a sad situation, especially if you've been together a long time. It took me about a year to get the courage to end it, it was a decision I didn't take lightly. I stayed to see if we could both make it work but it was really clear it wasn't working. I hope you're okay and whatever decision you make it works out best for you xx
I feel like I needed to see this right now. I am going through a breakup with a partner of 2 years. We split up in November and gave it another go and it's been pretty awful for the last 4 months to the point I can't take any more of the misery and have been hoping something will click back into place but think I now need to accept it won't and move on with my life.
I feel like in my head I get a glimpse of what my life will be like out of the relationship and know I will be happier because I feel like I've lost my zest for life. But it doesn't make it any easier to end it and accept loosing someone who you've been close too and intimate and emotional. It's very hard.
My partner is quite anxious too and it doesn't help and makes things harder when it ends because I get overwhelmed with reasons from them that it will change and things will eventually fall back into place.
I felt like I could really resonate with your message so wanted to reply when I saw it was only 2 weeks ago. I hope your okay and if you could give me any sort of indication that it gets easier I would really appreciate it!
@claudia5868
"There's a point at which the source of the problem, actually, it jumps. It transfers. From that person to us. Because, that person is who they've been. That should no longer surprise us. They are who they've been. We're now the person who's continuing to complain about old information. And we have to then look at ourselves and say, what's, what's, going on with me? That I either can't leave this person, and can't seem to shift, or can't stay with this person and shift my expectation of them. Cus if we stay with someone who won't change, and we're unwilling to shift our expectation, then we become the reason we're complaining."
This is my ex to a T. He always has someone lined up. He never learned how to be alone for one day. I was terrified to be alone, but knew it was time to move on when he was focused on others and not me.
Reminiscing about the pain you passing through, because have been in your situation, i even got depressed when the situation got out of my hands, but the situations did not go out of the hands of a spell caster that helped me detect where the problem was coming from and helping me clear the problem, there something that is affecting your relationship you do not know, and helping you solving the problems I promise you, you can ask me how to get contact with him
The problem we often forget about- there are people coming out of toxic first relationships with at least one parent and they deeply are in the feeling that it is their responsibility to keep relationships going because if the relation to another person ( no matter friendship oder love) doesn‘t work it is their own fault! They learned that they are the only one beeing responsible for the working of a relationship- and so there is a inner „calling“ they need to fix and do and make otherwise they are guilty of failing!
This has a massive inpact on their standing close to people who are no longer good for them
I hope it is understandebel what I mean- my English could be a lot better! greetings from Austria🌲
This has been an amazing confirmation I have done the right thing exiting the toxic 3rd party dynamic. My ex had his ex in the picture the entire time - they've been trauma bonded over 19 years. Most of it was drug/alcohol fuelled. They still are dope heads. She drinks too. I was his poster girl: top athlete, drug/alcohol free, educated, financially independent - everything she and to be honest he wasnt either. He mirrored me but deep down he resented me, my achievements and sabotaged the connection by getting intimate with her. She was jealous of me too. Tried morphing into me and spied on me. It was a horrible process to put the puzzle pieces together. I became a psychology expert over the 4.5 years this went on. Discovered NPD and BPD in 2019 and towards the end I could accurately predict their actions. Eventually I went zero contact and blocked them all and everyone connected to them. I'm so proud how strong I became by reparenting my inner child and healing abandonment trauma from my childhood. I realised these 2 were mirroring my parents dynamic and thats how I broke free. Life is amazing now.
Ending a relationship is excruciating agony. It has triggered very bad depression in me, feel hopeless and at times suicidal. I'm clinging to God with all my might 😔🙏
Stay strong. You are loved. You are not alone ❤
@@imalexisroberts I feel so alone. I'm going to the Samarirams today, I hope that helps. Thank you for your kind message 🤗
@@babbaruff1045 what are the samarirams? If you don’t mind me asking. And you are not alone, you have God & Angels surrounding you. This is just a season/phase of your life. It won’t always be this way! 🙏🏽
@@imalexisroberts sorry I meant the Samaritans. They are a volunteer-based counselling and listening service to people in need in the UK and Ireland. Thank you for being so kind. I hope God and the angels can get through this 🙏
I was in a relationship for almost 7 years, and part of why I stayed that long was the fact that we had been together as long as we had, and neither of us had ever had a relationship that had even lasted for a year before, so that must count for something, right? What ultimately broke us up was the fact that he was not willing to change, to the point where he didn't even want to try couples therapy; it was the only idea I could come up with to help us, and he saw therapy as a cop-out.
I need an advice
I experienced the same, our relationship lasted 6 years. I was staying mostly because I was holding on to what we "could be" not what we were, and we lasted 6 years, so we could "make it work". My ex didn't want to try couple therapy either... leaving was the hardest thing I ever had to do
A lot of men do not like being told they have things about them that need changing. They refuse to admit they have faults. I have told my husband that sometimes making changes is positive and it will make improvements to his future but he still refuses. It is very frustrating.
+2348101367929⏭️⏭️⏭️⏭️Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup..,
Women get into a relationship hoping a man will change, and he never does; men get into a relationship hoping the woman don't change, but she always does. Men do not change, period. A man may change some habits due to cohabitation but there is no way to change his character...if he changed his character, then he will not be the same person a woman fell in love in the first place. He will become someone else, and in the end, the woman leaves him...
The ‘ah ha’ moment was ‘what’s wrong with me that I continue to have speculative expectations’ ... powerful and true ☺️ As always, thank you Matthew ☺️🤗
I was in a very abusive relationship for a total of 20 years. I left 3 times and ended up back together. I finally left for good in January because my kids were also being abused and I finally woke up. It took too long. I wish I had stayed away sooner and though I love my children more than my own life, I wish I hadn't had them in that relationship with that person. I stayed because of fear, many many different fears. I wish I had had different examples of healthy relationships growing up to know sooner that it was a terrible relationship. We owe our children a good example so they don't screw it up. I left for my kids. I'm getting healthy for my kids. I will make better choices going forward for them.
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I was in the same boat as you though I left when my girls were in their early 20s.
This single video validates why I needed to end my 8 1/2 year relationship this past June.
She wasn’t going to change. Her daughter was always going to have no boundaries and the lack of intimacy was “ok “ with my partner.
For my part, I walked away with the knowledge that I gave this woman 100% of my love.
Ugg, I’m in the same boat. Married a man with 6 kids, been 4 years and have been verbally abused and manipulated by the kids who’s mother walked out on them over 10 years ago. Their Dad has gotten better but very little boundaries because of guilt he suffers. I’ve left twice and bought my own home, constantly guilted in coming back due to “we need to make it work, the kids need you, I need you. My home I bought has been my refuge and haven, I never want to return to any of it.
I'm here now! Great Timing❤ Almost 12 years in, and I still hold on to what's not there anymore.
Same🧚♀️are you a cancerian?
@@RAE-homely-fairy-of-the-light no, actually I'm a Leo.
@@tarrahlasalle6291 ah well Leos are awesome ,you sound like you have a good heart and care🧚♀️
I understand how that feels, sending you love! You're strong xo
+2348101367929⏭️⏭️⏭️⏭️Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup..,
This is me absolutely right now , expecting a change that wont come, wont revise my expectations and i am literally going mad wow word for word haha
Hi...listened to this podcast last night...perfect timing and clarification, so today I ended it, debated over a letter or conversation which would have just ended in immature responses, so I sent a text, nothing more than they deserve. I stared at it for ages, but, I could not live in constant fear and anxiety anymore waiting for change, expecting disappointment, and feeling emotionally drained....too many chances given, patience and forgiveness....I deserve better...thank you...listening again!
Sometimes it’s hard to know when to throw in the towel especially if you view it as being loyal and trying to make it work. It’s possible to feel like you can’t leave even if you are not happy out of duty.
I've been in a relationship where I had decided to revise my expectations. However I must have been fooling myself bc I still wasn't happy and stayed too long. Afterwards, I realized all the things I wanted were needs bc I still wanted them. Agree that it is so important to understand our needs/values.
I cannot get over how all this is relatable to pretty much everyone and anyone out there 😟
Just found this page and is really what I need. Will watch all the videos until I gather the courage to end my abusive relationship.
Exactly what I needed to hear. When they are not willing to even acknowledge a problem that you have with them, its over. Its pure emotional abuse at that point.
I had to leave my ex, even though I knew that it would feel unbearably painful; because I had to talk over the logical reality in my head. He was only getting worse over time (more controlling, more criticizing, and he was less afraid to inflict emotional abuse onto me, because it just seemed easier for him to do it each time). He started going to counseling the month before I asked for the breakup, but he was still getting worse, and I was relieved when I didn't have to listen to somebody criticize me in my ear almost everyday. I got to see her continuation of his attitude towards me after the breakup when I seen his Tik Tok videos. This was one of the only times that I was glad that social media existed, so that I could watch a person in the making without having to be there with them. It was very revealing of his character and reminded me of the true reality of the situation.
I didn’t wait for years to settle for this. He’s not available in ways I also want. I will miss him and grateful for our time together. I gotta move on and be good to myself. It hurts, and that’s ok.
My epiphany moment was you talking about how we sell ourselves or write off the negatives about our partners just because they DO have a lot of what we want or need. But it's those grievances, those annoyances, those things they're unwilling/unable to change that make us realize how unhappy we are & will become.
I haven’t left him because despite being a bad partner he makes my life way easier for the most part financially
Yes. This is very difficult. I am in this situation as well.
Same here .. financially and he is nice most of the time. But he has toxic traits and a new life path I can't follow
The reality is that even when those are not issues in a relationship - the simple honest reality is that you CAN still reject a mutual, respectful, conductive, constantly improving, genuine, honest, and true loving relationship and decide to want better for yourself. Either you can embrace singledom and be at peace as a person who is still kind, respectful, and improving people in society OR you can have multiple romantic lovers. Both are a choice.
Being objective can help. Letting go sucks but if you write down what you like or don’t like, you will see a million reasons why you should.
Couldn’t sleep because I was already worrying about this topic! Great timing, thanks Matthew. I have some thinking to do.
I need an advice
+2348101367929⏭️⏭️⏭️⏭️Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup..,
While listening to you speak the epiphany moment for me was when you spoke about continuing the relationship and adjusting expectations or leaving and that it’s a recipe for going mad to stay and not adjust your expectations. I know I have to leave, I have given 5 yrs, feels like changes are made for 5 minutes and then return back to the same old ways. I am exhausted. I will remain unhappy and continue to waste precious time hoping permanent changes will ever be made. Time to go now! 😊
I didn't have a hard time leaving the relationship because I felt my boundaries were overstepped. Even after I discussed this with the person.
Yeah that my problem is my boundaries were overstepped but they don’t want to let me go and it’s a bit frustrating
I wonder what happened in your relationship, you are so rational about it, it's amusing
Same
@@Donnydarko9912 may I ask what the boundaries were? Only bc I want to understand what that means
Me too. This guy gets loud and curses we’ve only been dating two months. I think I’m done.
I stayed in my relationship with my ex way longer than I should have because I didn't want to look like a failure because things weren't working out. I didn't want my child to grow up in a divorced home, even though the constant arguing was way worse. We both married each other for the wrong reasons and we admitted this to one another way after the divorce was final. We both came from families with toxic parents who had bad relationships skills and we learned bad habits from them. We both had unresolved childhood trauma. I did a lot of counseling and therapy for mine and can say I'm better but not perfect. I know what I want now and what I am willing to put up with in a new relationship. I know I'm good on my own too and being single isn't a bad thing. I've accomplished a lot being single and I'm not going to settle just to say I have the "title of girlfriend or wife." Keep up the good work on the videos gentlemen.
This video is so calming and supporting. It really holds your hand while detaching from "what you wanted IT to be", and what's not. And to choose ourselves. Always.
Tanks guys ❤
They jump straight into another relationship because the tear of attachment motivates them to find another bond or attachment. Its also how your brain works to protect you.
This video couldn't be timely enough and it helped me give so much clarity on my own situation.
when the “source of problem transfers from them to us”...yes, I agree...we need to look at ourselves and our expectations of the relationship or person that we know won’t change. And, I feel we need to love and respect ourselves and our needs in the process.
Matthew you content is always great but this video is probably one of the best ones. It's tackling the most difficult question of relationship life. It's 100% as you say as heartbreaking it is. As simple and obvious it sounds that it does never make sense to stay in unhappiness and pain when you already know it will not change but as difficult it is to end it. I did do it myself a few times, and the worst is that we intuitively and secretly -know- for long time - but it's only human I guess we cannot take the ultimate decision immediately. Thanks so much doing this, helping us to understand things better.
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Just got out of a relationship like this, thank you for confirming that it was the right decision, it will help with the healing process 😊
I was also in such a relationship, but I was broken up with. Based precisely on this idea that I would not change and I am as I am. And normally I would say: good for my ex, but I also had no chance to change (which I would have been super happy to do), because she never talked to me about it. Expecting someone to change but also never addressing a problem or concern isn't exactly fair either. 😒
@M Gagua Yes, more or less out of the blue - also her statement by the way. Over the years we had our problem areas but according to her we had solved them. She always blamed all the other problems of her unhappy life on external things and explicitly praised me again and again, thanked me and told me that she loved me.
But don't get me wrong. I certainly could have understood more. Read more between the lines. I don't want to absolve myself entirely.
oh my god, same... My ex never talk about anything or how she feels. It's like thinking I somehow can understand and read minds... If she did mention any of those stuff she's unhappy about, and I didn't show improvement, then sure I deserve what I get. But she keep quiet about everything ...
Edit: realised she was cheating, that explains everything. Dodged a bullet there.
This happened to me recently… I was shocked that she hadn’t tried to communicate the problems to me. I was 100% committed to putting a lot of work and change into a relationship if the need ever arose. She explained that she had, but that she mostly prefers to communicate through suggestions and hints. In her view of relationships, she doesn’t think she should have to explicitly ask to be loved in the way that she wants to be. It ruins it for her.
I’m honestly super confused; being willing to work on a relationship in an explicit way seems to be such an important piece of a partnership (Matthew seems to believe in it!). Does anyone think I’m wrong here? Genuinely would love to hear an alternate perspective.
@@tamari138 I don´t think you are wrong. Quite the opposite. As time goes by I realise more and more that to work in an explicit open communicated way is mature and right thing for a relationship. People often can´t understand themselves. Therefore I think it´s quite impossible to just communicate by suggestions and hints.
Sorry that you have to deal with this situation.
@@tamari138 anyone who always expects their partner to pick up on hints/read between the lines is too immature for an adult relationship, or else they're a manipulator who gets off on watching you drive yourself crazy trying to second guess everything they say. Better off without that.
I liked Stephens approach in the beginning, looking at reasons why people stay in a relationship even if they feel its wrong. Often its fear (of hurting the other, of a hard and uncomfortable talk, of loosing sth liked etc) and the inability to take the step. It would have been great to hear the discussion go on in that direction.
What an enlightening conversation. I totally agree with you, that was why I walked away from my ex who is unwilling to change. I feel relieved and feeling very positive about the break-up.
Knowing your worth is half the battle, starting over is not a easy journey but worth it don’t be weak
Staying in a bad relationship has its roots in childhood...if we didn't receive love we are comfortable and familiar with being in a relationship that lacks love and care.
You are so accurate! It’s therapeutic listening to you. I’m in a situation atm you perfectly described. Thanks for the confirmation that I’m not mad.
This is the exact reasoning I went through last week about a relationship. Good to see that some guys have the same logical mind, so there is hope!
My epiphany moment came 2 days ago, that is 2 days before I watched this video, when I realised that I was letting the guy who was keeping me hooked for over a decade treat me this way. It’s me, I, I’m the problem it’s me. I decided I was going to stop playing games with him. I sent him the following message: “ I know that my last Facebook message might be confusing to you given our history and I am finally ready to come clean because I believe you deserve to know the truth.
The truth is I feel uneasy about how we joke about hooking up with other people. I should have let you know sooner I know. The thing is I still feel embarrassed about sharing my feelings with you regard my interest in you as a future partner and not getting the response I desired.
I wanted to safe face. I thought I could play it cool. But this is not me. I am not cool. I have many attractive qualities (and many unattractive ones) but being cool is not one of them. Being brutally honest is.
I was hoping that by playing it cool I will get you to be interested in me. This is not fair to you or to me. I was being selfish. I deserve someone who loves me for me and not because I make them. So do you. I believe you have so much to give when you meet the right person. I will give you this piece of advice though. Playing around is not going to get you there. I really hope you can understand the depth of what I am saying. I believe you are intelligent enough to understand but I also know that you are not used to someone speaking to you like this and that you may not like it. But this is me. This is how I am comfortable expressing myself. I thought you deserve to know the real me.
I really do wish you the best.”
He responded with one line only “wish you the best as well”. These were his exact words. It is then that I realised he really did not love me nor did he ever intend to be with me. I deleted my message to him because I didn’t want it to remain in his inbox, blocked his number and deleted our chat. I made sure to take some snap shots of our messages to remind myself of why we didn’t work and to make sure I don’t repeat this pattern with any one else.
"If you can't Change him CHANGE HIM..." Can't we swear by this indeed?? I know better said thn done. I myself allowed toxic relationship for a long while but now no more
Alot of times they don't leave is because they have no friends no money and no help. And maybe they have children, and worried about them. They are scared of being alone with no help.
Also in some cases they say there sorry for what ever reason and you believe them when they say I'm sorry, it won't happen again, until it does. Thing is all men and woman need to leave after I think first try of really mending the relationship. My opinion..
This is by far one of the most enlightening relationship advice i have ever encountered on TH-cam. you did an amazing job.
This is su incredibly true and so incredibly powerful. We suffer because we "don't leave, don't adjust our expectations, and they don't change". The level clarity and wisdom you bring to understanding human dynamics is so impressive. Life changing. Thank you so much for your gift.
And ya'll think about this: you are in this unhappy crappy situation and you casually meet someone else, amazing, wonderful, and you let them go because you want to make the crappy relationship work at any cost. Even at the cost of love.
That’s what you do when you are married. 😕
Not so much an epiphany from your podcast, but from observing myself and others.
When someone feels like they are going crazy over a situation, it’s because their thinking is stuck in a groove like a skipping record, going around and around, A->B->C->A again over and over.
The reason they feel crazy is because they REFUSE to consider a viable option/solution at one of the steps (such as “leave my partner”).
Once the solution is identified AND ACCEPTED, sanity can begin to return.