4 Questions That Can Tell You If Your Partner Is a Perfect Match with Matthew Hussey and Lewis Howes
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 26 มิ.ย. 2024
- Thank you for watching this powerful interview with Matthew Hussey!
Check out the show notes here: www.lewishowes.com/811
Matthew Hussey is a speaker, New York Times Bestselling author, columnist for Cosmopolitan Magazine, and dating expert on ABC’s digital series What To Text Him Back. His corporate clients include Hugo Boss, The Perfume Shop, Virgin Gyms, Procter & Gamble, Bare Escentuals, U.S. legal giant Weil Gotshal & Manges, and global management consultants Accenture. 50,000 women have attended his live events and he has reached over 10 million online.
Matthew says that the “activation energy” for starting relationships is lower than ever. This causes ghosting. People are less invested in relationships. But there are ways you can meet people indirectly. So get ready to learn the three things you need to build a great relationship on Episode 811.
Follow Matthew Hussey here:
www.matthewhussey.com/
/ matthewhussey
/ thematthewhussey
/ gettheguyteam
You can follow Lewis at:
Website: lewishowes.com/
Instagram: / lewishowes
Facebook: / lewishowes
Twitter: / lewishowes
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Lewis Howes' New Book - The Mask of Masculinity
lewishowes.com/man
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Lewis Howes is a NY Times Bestselling author, entrepreneur, and former professional Arena League football player. He hosts The School of Greatness, a talk show distributed as a podcast. Learn and hear the stories of various successful people around the world, become inspired, motivated and educated with the SCHOOL OF GREATNESS. lewishowes.com/book
1. Love your partner the way they need to be loved.
2. Be your own person/work on yourself
3. Learn how to be vulnerable, but without dumping on our partners.
4. Be a genuine team. Support their goals. Check your ego.
Expect the same 💙
Ok. What if they don't want to be in a committed relationship, their emotionally unavailable, is a narcissist & just want it to be casual & nothing more. They're afraid of getting hurt again from their past traumas but yet they still want to have a partner or love in their life.
@@dianneciresi6324 same problem here but mine is a girl :( makes it a lot more complicated to be honest
@@dianneciresi6324 I was just summing up the video, but I hope you find happiness with someone who treats you properly 💜
@@dianneciresi6324 I feel your pain.😫
Exactly how I think
Love is not enough
Sex is not enough
Partnership and compatibility is essential.
Yet, many relationships fail without sex.. You cannot go on despite all the sex, it s a friend lship.... Many people are compatible but also sexy ally ... Sex makes90%when you don't do it, your relationship is over.... Period.
Im 40. I talk for experience...
@@TheMrc1981 Sex is natural connection, without it there is no romantic relationship. At best you’re just friends.
Two attractive men postulating constructive relationship stages in an objective and productive way; ladies and gentlemen, I give you the twenty first century.
Yes. I’ve experienced this with two guys already. Amazing it’s like they’re getting it and expressing so much better than before.
@@splitraven7060 And, yet, I think both of them are still single after many years.
@@robynalvin6319 Lewis has a girlfriend. But, Matthew is probably like that dating coach in Hitch played by Will Smith. 😄
@@robynalvin6319 Matt is engaged. And yes it takes patience and discernment to engage in relationships that are truly healthy !
And women sleeping with 50+ dudes before they turn 25. Welcome
We would have better discernment in relationships if we asked ourselves “is this healthy?” rather than “do I ‘love’ this person?”
what about people who love too much? I think they totally should ask themselves if the relationship they're trying to keep is healty...
@@alessandravittorio3153 some people love too much as easy way not to deal with real issues
That's brilliant. You're right.
OH MY GOSH!! YES! ASK IS IT HEALTHY! BE INTELLIGENT INSTEAD OF EMOTIONAL!!
Truth!
In my experience the best trait someone can have is self-awareness. When two self aware people come together communication flows and there is a lack of defensiveness. Problems are infrequent and when they do happen are easily resolved.
In my view, it's actually 5 stages that lead to a relationship:
1. Admiration
2. Connection
3. PERCEIVED Compatibility
(without this filter, I believe noone steps into a healthy relationship, especially not long term. At this stage, you don't onow each other long enough yet to know if you are ACTUALLY the right match for each other for life. You basically make a calculated risk.)
4. Commitment
5. ACTUAL Compatibility
(At this final stage, you have already been with each other for a while and know BY EXPERIENCE that the other one is your match.)
What do you think?
Very True it's a Journey into Partnership
Absolutely agree.
Sounds reasonable.
And work to be compatible
Came here to write the exact same thing. Why get into a committed relationship with somebody if you haven't tested it for compatibility?
4 stages:
1. Admiration- it’s like you find potential in the person in general
2. Connection btw u two (chemistry)
3. Commitment- no matter what u would be there
4. Compatibility (u two are comparable)
Yes and Yes
Marten Dekker thank you for correcting... it means you actually read it 😉
I'd like to add these things as very important parts of a perfect match:
1. Do we feed off of each other, or do we feed each other. (parasitic vs. nurturing)
2. Can we laugh together (do we have the same idea of what is funny, what is hurtful)
3. Do we state our boundaries clearly and uphold them. (can we be honest and can we respect honesty, and do we accept no for an answer)
4. Are we working towards something better together, or are we sedentary? (do we achieve goals together, can we move forward and live life, or are we waiting for life to pass us by)
5. Are we interested in what makes us unique? (Do we not expect them to change, or see them as needing improvement, setting unrealistic expectations or not see or accept where the limits are with them)
6. Are we hostile towards their dreams and enjoyments? Is this an obstacle for the future? (do we not understand their passions, not accept their family, not accept their friends, or have a huge issue with something they do, have done or someone else they have in their life)
Matthew Hussey ladies and gentlemen 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
we badly need to see this. I really like your thoughts.
I stayed 11 years in a relationship with a non committed partner... I should’ve listened to this man ages ago
That’s long, never too late to change!!! See Meghan 🤣🤣 she married a prince
I have similar problem like yours... My love life was down nd my Lock was down also things was not working fine for me in any relationship I found my self
But the help of Dr Okolo who has spiritual power he helped me to happiness in my life
Someone that you can rely on. Someone that cares for you and how you feel. Someone that you can be yourself with. Someone that enjoys the same lifestyle as you do (health, fitness, outdoor adventures.) Someone that values you and cherishes you in their behavior, and words . Someone loyal who respects the relationship when you’re not there and when you are present. Someone that communicates and is interested in working through conflict with you.
Exactly
exactly
I am reflecting right now about our relationship and I guess I bumped into this video at the right time.
Continue courting one another. It’s important to stay engaged with one another. Also, it’s essential you listen to your woman. Last of all, you have to have goals to be a best version of yourself. Join that gym and stay focused.
I used to think „love conquers all“ but I learned that even if two people who love each other, want kids etc., are best friends and want to grow old - even then it won‘t last if you are mostly too different. It was so heartbreaking for both of us. The amount of work was unbelievable. If you fixed one issue, another thing falls apart. He gave up one day, devastated.
Same here 💔
I have a different definition of vulnerability. Vulnerability isn't about needing someone to fix or reassure. Vulnerability is about being authentic. Owning up to your shit. Taking a risk and telling it how it is. Occasionally I might need reassurance, but then I will ask for that directly. Vulnerability is taking radical responsibility for your life and telling the truth, however unpalatable you fear it may appear.
I would call that courage & honesty
That's Brene Brown's take.
Show up to them in ways they need you to show up - is absolutely what I’ve been wanting to say but had no words for it.
In Neal Donald Walsh’s Conversations with God it says to give the help people ask for, even if you think they need something else, give them the help they ask for
learning to love someone the way they need to be even if it’s outside of your comfort zone is essential for growth
And can be brutal if part of what they need is to sleep with other people
@@yeahiprotest well ... yeah
@@BlackGirlGreenThumb that’s the position I’m in right now - super fun
@@yeahiprotest
Super fun..? In what way you saying it dear, can have some explanation.. thank you 😊
💯💯
"When you choose to work in partnership with another, it's saying, you recognize your partners worth and what you bring to each other, and that essentially they are you. By recognizing that they are a representation of you, you recognize your growth within them, and their invitation for you to grow to your highest aspect".
Victoria L. White
The only thing everyone needs is to also change within themselves is their definition of love... Love is not simply a feeling, true love isn't temporary... Often you will hear when someone ends a relationship "Oh, we just fell out of love!", Love is a decision you make every day... Now you may not like that person today, but you still love them.. Showing up when they need you, deciding to love them despite their mistakes.. To put their needs before your own.. Love is an action, it's a decision..
Wow very well said
Agree
Said like that, it sounds more like a chore... 😕 Love shouldn't be a "decision", it should be nurtured.
Relationships that have compatability and no connection don't last. Connection is what makes a relationship last. I don't care how good someone looks on paper without connection it will not last.
Best comment. So very very true. CONNECTION!!!
Kimberley King Absolutely true.
This resonates so much, especially the working together , just because one partner makes more money than the other shouldn't give that person more power and dictate how things go in the relationship. You should work together , and be a team regardless. Took me 6 years to full understand this concept and I am happy being single rather than being with the wrong person,
that surprises me a lot!! never thought about this deeply but ou are absolutely true . also my best friend eve was recently definitely true that most of the men as they're bad in bed should use natural enhancers which are for both genders and they can take it with their darlings
ohh. my boyfriend actually broke up with me a week ago bc he said how he cannot stand a long-distance relationship. at least i can try those drops you write about next tike with next victim
i finally tried the drops you wrote about and thought what they can do. they do magic ! the experience was great
Great advice unless you are with a covert narcissist, the more you open and are vulnerable, the more you dig a hole. This advice only applies when a couple is “normal” and has no behavior issues.
And how long did it take you to figure out yr with a narcissist? I am not with a narcissist do maybe I am one?
The thing is, if you can figure out how to be fulfilled in yourself and doing what needs to be done to be a good team mate, you'll realize that the other person isn't doing his part. And you'll also be able to see the red flags pretty quickly because narcissists, covert or not, hate people who don't need others to fulfill them as that's what they use to control others.
I henderson lol... yeah, its like wandering into the minotaurs labyrinth.
Don't worry about whether your partner is the label narcissist or not! If they're behaving inappropriately, you need to communicate with them about it. If they're unable or unwilling to change, they're a bad match for you.
Matthew says this in another video.
My ex definitely displayed signs of being a covert narcissist a few months after we began dating, and I can tell you they’ll never be the right one. It’s harsh to say, but people who have behaviour issues should probably stay alone or find others with behaviour issues. “Normal” people as you described it shouldn’t have to tolerate a partner with behaviour issues. My advice is to run far far away the second you recognize those behaviour issues from your partner -I’m glad I recognized that there was something off early on.
Do you have people you interview that have been married for at least 40, 50, or 60 years that are successful in their relationships? One thing that I appreciate is hearing from people who have actually walked the walk for years and then can tell you the "secrets" of their success. Sometimes, I feel like people who are single giving relationship advice might have a lot of head knowledge and study on the topic but they have not walked the walk for years.
This spoke to me in regards to my partner, but especially in regards to a recent friendship. They just needed something all the time, and this helped me articulate the problem. You can be needy, until you can't anymore, and at some point THEY (not just me) needed to demonstrate a commitment to their growth too.
Sometimes all it takes is the simpliest of things and connecting to your partners needs and desires ..without words never spoken ..that is a huge game changer in makeing each other feel special and so deep and personal that you both only share between you..and everyone benifits of all the joy and happiness it brings...Balance and pleaseing acts , thought fullness and a true chemistry that is made magical...
My relationship of 4 years ended today...we were committed in the relationship but no compatibility. When we met we had complete chemistry so he made the mistake of pretending to be everything I wanted to make things work and I made the mistake to listen to his words but ignore his actions. Turned out he hid that he smoked, he had a history of drugs, he loved to hang out and smoke weed and no interest in sex while I am very conservative with my taste and desire intimacy and it just couldn't work out because after awhile we were just roommates. Then resentment built up and we were fighting roommates...everyday!
In any great relationship, equal contribution is required. One sided effort never works.💞✨
Yes, Lewis... you got it!!! Having the same Love Languages makes for the best compatibility... she will love and appreciate how you express love because it’s her love language too that won’t be foreign to you. When you’re alike in a lot of ways... our differences become a strength, fun and adds to building love that lasts a lifetime.
Opposites may attract but don’t last without a lot of work... it’s too much and not true love.
Thank you for your wisdom, Matthew. All your points are accurate, insightful and incredibly useful. It’s like you are speaking directly into my situation. I particularly love the way you value people, their time, and their intrinsic worth.
If they have to carry you emotionally too much or too often, realize also you are putting them into the parent role - and nothing kills sex drive AND a healthy appealing adult relationship as much as falling into some weird parent-child dynamic (instead of two equal adults responsible for their own emotional stabilization practices). Not that you can't ever seek comfort from them, but what pattern is developing over time, and do you actually need to go into therapy instead?
Wow, and you just described the four things that ended my previous relationship.
This is great-what a great conversation ❤️
I'm so glad Mat spoke of unrequited love... what a bear trap that can be😳. When it comes to committing you got to be on it to win it . Willingness trumps Readiness every time. 🙌🏻
I couldn’t hear anything over the loud guns 💪
Kidding!
I really like the point of showing up for a partner the way THEY need.
LOL!
I thought I was the only one looking at them guns haha :D
Noooooice hahaha 😁🙌
Most people love someone the way they want to be loved, do things for others that are important to themselves so observations of this helps you to understand what they want and need
Yes it is, all you need is love and love does concur everything. It’s when there is no love that relationships fail.
He's so awesome and true♥️..what a wonderful leader
Step 1: Abandon the childish idea of ‘soul mates’.
Exactly
I used to believe in this until he left. Now, I know that there's hundreds of men who I'd be 'compatible' with :)
So cringe!
Honestly, nothing wrong with the concept of soul mates. But the problem is people romanticize the phrase and use it as some kind of crutch.
lol this is exactly why my ex left me. He told me he does not think I am the one and what if there is someone out there will make his heart racing and butterfly. We had the rest: chemistry, compatibility but his commitment is absolutely not there.
Matthew has gotta be one of the most emotionally intelligent people on the planet. I’m continually impressed by his understanding and conveyance of things. I’m trying to absorb it all so I can actually put things into practice
Thanks for posting this segment.
Phases of relationship:
1.) Attraction
2.) Connection
3.) Commitment
4.) Compatibility
Very impactful discussion. Thanks!
Matthew, I adore you - but I Truly believe you are mixing up Commitment and Compatibility - and that Compatibility needs to be established BEFORE Commitment. Because commitment first without compatibility is a guaranteed heartbreak.
Exactly what I thought the moment he said it.. you gotta be compatible first before you decide to commit. It just doesn't make sense to do it the other way around
@@yasamanhoorfar5205 I disagree, you can like each other and get along, _feel_ compatible and be in love to the point where you decide you want to commit, but only in the long term of being in that commitment with each other will you find out if you are _actually_ compatible. Because compatibility in a sense of "is this something serious, should we get into a relationship?" and in the sense of "is this something meant to last? do the two of us actually work together long term and after years together still?" are two very different things. :)
thats exactly what I thought!
I just ended a 2 year relationship due to compatibility issues. If you asked me 1 year ago, I would agree with you. I was very attracted to her, the chemistry was though the roof, we both were very committed to building our castle... And of course we are compatible, look at how well we get along.
But, That last year our personalities started to drive us apart. We have differences between us that we could not come to a compromise on. I would have never know those differences without being committed to her for that long.
@@Caroo1313 THIS!!
Awesome episode. Great discussion. Thanks for our insight!
He's so right on!
RESPECT 4 ONE ANOTHER!
Love these 2 guys chatting about love
He's just so good
The greatest video I ever watched!! From time to time I watch this again. And when u have all 4 stages u will get "love concures all"
Great info. Love the video!
You're right, commitment without compatibility is Empty Love. Casual love is a dead end road... ~KK
Great advice. #2 should be #1, not only in partnership but all relationships. When we remember to do our own work on ourselves, everything else is better.
Well said Mathew and great interview. 👍🏻
Ah Hussey! *Always* delivers!
Matthew is such an insightful mind.
The key stages of a successful relationship are:
1. Admiration
2. Connection
3. Commitment or un- required love?
4. Compatibility
Check mate.
🙌
Really good insights and conversation!!
he hit the nail on the head with these 4!!!! damn!!!!!!
Excellent truths, I appreciate. Ty for sharing this valuable information & gift of knowledge on thinking in a healthier space & controlling ourselves, period. Soaking this up! And applying 😎
This was great! Genuine advice
Relationships just don’t work anymore. The fact that we even have to watch videos like these confirms that. People just give up. Onto the next. It’s sad.
I hear what you are saying but I beg to differ.
The main reason why we are here is because not only we question our dynamics towards relationships but we are proactively looking fordward to making it work when we meet someone who inspires us being a better person.
Please dont give up, the lady that might meet your standards is out there.
Hope you 2 find eachother 😉
Juliet Lavid I agree! Men and Women need to evolve!!
@@cachaslokas it’s the “ladies” that usually give up after YEARS.
@@albertodeulofeu5277
4 years.. Twice..
I learned, don't waste my time thinking someone will finally change in the end.
If they aren't willing to give a little already in the beginning, they won't give anything else later either...
Yeah, but you start to recognize behavior, and therefore dodge the bullet. Hoping you can find that person that does feel like the right person. Where things are easy...
This video is freaking gold to me
This was good, thanks 👍. I learnt a lot.
I am a gardener...in the garden 4 real and in my relationship that just went sour after 19 years......we are trying to be mates...it's hard ......and I am trying to be a kind gardener throughout the process....it's weird going from marriage to friends...so sad but I think we will have a better connection as friends. Sometimes the marriage pressure just has to be taken down, marriage shouldn't be so full of disconnection or nothing in common, or that 'off' feeling. There should be more peace and laughter than being uncomfortable. Thankyou Matthew for good advice.🧚♀️
Yea learn your partner’s love language. My marriage went to hell cuz my husband rarely showed me love in the way that I needed (spending time together). Instead he did what was comfortable for him. It doesnt work that way. People are in relationship to have certain needs met and we all need to pay better attention to that
Feminine energy dating coach approving this message. The 4 questions to ask to see if you've met your match:
1. Admiration
2. Connection
3. Genuine & mutual commitment
4. Compatible
♥ Thanks Matthew & Lewis
Hi
You're really a dating coach?
Could u help my friend in her relationship
Amazing video!
It's all makes so much sense
Great :) thanks guys
I don't really think there's such a thing as a perfect match. It's more about finding that bond/connection and be understanding towards each other. Sooner or later you will experience disagreements and so as long as they're not that major, I think it's good to let off steam every now and then...it would be a boring relationship otherwise lol
Sue Wint Well said.
That was an eye opening lesson! Thank you 🙏🏽
You're welcome,thank you for being here 🧡
Agree! Compatibility is more important than love.
🙌
The insight matt has about luv is such a turn on 😉
When I was young and naive I believed in the word perfect, now I know with experience nothing is perfect.
Love this ❤️
Matthew your hairstyle here is differently nice, not to say the other ones you wear are bad, but i just like this one the most.
Great conversation.
This is such a great video...
I think when you learn to care for someone, you learn what's very important to them and this matters because you care for them it's hard not to want to please someone you care for in what ever way that might when needed because that makes us happy also and that is just as important as the other things we're passionate about.
Family Works hobby interest and that definitely goes both ways.
I keep getting into relationships with women who doesn’t want to move in ever after 2 years. The compatibility element is so true
Excellent!
I quote this all the time.
Matthew always finds opportunities to show off his biceps ;)
you got me at the first one. after staying on another side of the world for a person for 6 years I'm now in the process of getting divorce. He worked hard in the aspects he thought were important (money) n didnt listen when I told him what I needed (time). We went months without any quality time or kissing and he didnt realize what I was asking of him till the day I left...
How to ruin a relationship before it even starts: use words like "perfect match" and "soul mate". This kind of talk is nauseating.
I don’t think so, my partner and I knew we were perfect for each other from the beginning, we even discussed how weird it was that we felt so compatible with each other. We were inseparable from the beginning and it came natural for both of us. A year and a half later and we still feel the same, we’ve gone through some extremely hard times and still love each other the same as day 1
No such thing. Work & Insight create the BOND ~RESPECT & COMMITMENT MAKE IT REAL*
@@120bakernd 😂😂😂 sweet
Let us know when your next video cones out...
Title "Attachment issues & how we do it"
@@120bakernd im curious, at what stage in the relationship did you first have sex ? kiss?
I believe that both parties need to truly know and love themselves first...only then can we explore love and have long lasting profound intimacy with another, so worth it though x
Matthew Hussey, ladies and gentlemen 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
I think when people stop flowing together well n the relationship becomes a chore its time to go. When your partner goes from needing support to just plain needy period its too big if a burden to carry. When you gey home at the end of the day really think about are you excited to see your partner or do you feel more anxious when theyre around n stressed. If your stressed, or do all the work, n all your energy is making them feel better its toxic dont walk just run!
Pure gold
I already liked it 45 seconds into the video
Hello
Same here
Me tooooo
It's matthew's beautiful mind
hm i see Indonesian i click and sub
This man is a genius
Great interview!
Glad you enjoyed it!
Does this relationship give me the space and encouragement to grow Personally...AND do we have open, vulnerability, consideration communication that allows us to grow TOgether. These are fundamental questions everyone should ask in a relationship
The title is so misleading. It should be the 4 things you need to focus on to make a relationship work. Really this is gold, though. Thank you!
My housemate and I (male and female, living together, never slept together) have the same love languages. It's amazing how smooth living together is when the things you want/need from each other are exactly the things that you want to give to/do for each other.
👍
Love that. What do you do for them, and what do they do for you?
@@MarshmilloJB basically everything that's not sexual 🤣
We've been friends for 17 years, so we've grown very close and don't have any qualms about asking for things or doing things without being asked
@@kjs8719 wow, that's like everything else in a relationship lol. Look up "queerplatonic," my German friend put me up to it
@@MarshmilloJB oh. Well, yes, that seems to describe our relationship pretty well actually 🤔
I have the biggest crush on Matthew 😭
This was very powerful for me in this present time. I'm dating long distance with what seems to be a good man he's alil younger than me. It's great then not so great. It's challenging bc of the distance. I can definitely apply this info. You guys nailed it!!!
Glad it helps you!
Being compatible and thén commit! Stage 4=3 and 3=4, in my opinion 🤗
I think you can analyze basic compatibility before commitment, but a lot of the time it takes committing before you start to see more gaps in living and spending habits, time spent together after the honeymoon stage, diverging interests, etc.
WOW this is SO insightful!!! Thanks Matthew! YOU ARE THE RELATIONSHIP KING! (PS I LOVE BRANAL!HAHA!) @lewishowes you ROCK!! Thanks for having him on! have you read his book? even though it's more for women.....I read the Mask of Masculinity! GREAT BOOKS!
I feel it. Tank you guys ❤😁🤘
You're welcome,thank you for being here 🧡
My boyfriend broke up last week with me and I was so confused why!? Everything been perfect but now I understand he was perfect for me but I wasn’t the right person for him!
How can he be perfect for you when you dont feel perfect for him? You deserve what is the best for you.You deserve more. It will appear. Trust it :)
@@annemariealsnybo8609 thank you so much. Your word’s mean a lot.
Or … he was dating and found someone else .
People are not responsible for emotionally regulating each other but in this crazy internet age I think at least in the very early stages of a new connection communication styles and rhythm should be talked about. The problem I find these days, is that we don't really have a good way to connect with like minded people with shared values. Meeting random strangers from a photo is not the way to start. 🙄
E X A C T L Y !!!!!!
On compatibility in the words of the great Jessica Alba: 'people need to make that much sense together'.