I found out that my ADHD is/was much more that my thoughts are hyperactive rather than my actions. I spiral easily and always feel like I have to do multiple things at once. I always wonder what school would have been like for me if I had someone who knew ADHD was more than just being energetic
Same. I wonder if i would have actually done better in school. Unlike her, i did get bad grades. But my parents, nor teachers didnt see or know that ADHD may have been the cause.
Same. I was a good student, most of the time, but was always considered a teacher's pet because my teachers knew I needed to move and often had me run errands for them.
I was in the "gifted and talented" program in school so I flew under the radar for years. Everyone joked that I could put so much passion and energy into something I loved but could not get myself to do things I didn't want to. Everyone thought it was a quirk. Now I'm 25 and struggle to feed myself
Relatable 💞 I hope we each find & receive the support we need. Idk about you but I’m so exhausted trying to do every damn thing myself because no one believes that I need help 😞
My daughter has a similar story. Incredibly bright, creative, ... and inattentive. Struggled in first years of college. I recognised her symptoms from these videos and she finally got tested. Sure enough ADHD. Hoping it makes a difference. I hope you have a support system and are getting the services you need. You are incredibly brave, and deserve success.
I was also in the G&T program, now I'm 43 and everyday life feels like a constant struggle, diet and chores are erratic, self care is non-existant... I should be evaluated, but I can't even get myself to, or afford, a primary physician...
@@HomewardHiker thank you for supporting your daughter and believing her. I am for some reason trying to convince the people around me I am struggling. She is very lucky to have you.
At age 70, just diagnosed a month ago, I am blown away at hearing things I've said coming out of someone else's mouth: "my turn never came". I am now truly "the adult in the room". Thank you , thank you for work. It is helping more than you know.
I’m not diagnosed yet (waiting on appointments that I should have made years ago, hello executive disfunction) but at 56 I’m tired of trying to explain that I need certain accommodations without using the terms adhd and autism. Family gets it, but work is a different story. I just got moved to a different department under very trying circumstances, and I flat told my new supervisor “You know my reputation, I’ll work my tail off for you and do my absolute best to surpass your expectations. I’ll also uncover problems with the systems we’re using and do my damndest to fix them for you or document them so you can get higher-ups to do something about them. But the reason I know I can do that is I have adhd and autism, so I have some limitations and need certain accommodations.” Then I told her what I need (mainly to take my breaks at assigned times and strict limitations on how much overtime I can do and when.) It was frightening to put myself right out there that way, and I know it may have repercussions, but I’m tired of not saying straight out that these are not preferences, they are needs.
@@JHaven-lg7lj As a twenty something special needs person, i am somewhat terrified of entering the workforce, because I know i'll need accomodations, that a lot of people will see as not needs, but just laziness or preferences.
@@JHaven-lg7lj I got my first office job in a non profit so I put my needs out there but I was terrified too because besides adhd I have epilepsy and have been fired from soo many jobs due to seizures so it was very scary but im thankful right now as my boss is on leave and without that official accommodations I don't know if I would feel comfortable expressing them. I'm scared of her boss.
"I'm the adult in the room and don't need to wait for someone to acknowledge my needs." What a change of perspective and power shift for me to hear that. Thank you!
ADHD, has caused me problems since childhood. I had to have a nervous breakdown to get it detected. I was told by the psychiatrist it was missed because I was well behaved, intelligent and driven, aged 41. I think ADHD is often stereotyped, stigmatised, misunderstood, there is a lack of awareness, training, it can be misdiagnosed as autism, anxiety, depression etc.
And then, further complicating getting an accurate diagnosis, is the fact that conditions such as autism, anxiety, and depression are very common co-morbidities of ADHD. It can even be fairly well argued that depression and anxiety are symptoms of both ADHD and ASD, whether individually or combined, especially the longer you go undiagnosed.
Had a very similar experience, was diagnosed in my 40s due to having to step away from work due to massive stress and reaching a breaking point where I was about to quit. Luckily the company I worked for was very supportive and I could take a paid leave to get help. I told them I was not coming back until I had started treatment, meaning therapy, medication and executive function training. It's been life changing and I look back and wish I had got started sooner. Very glad you got diagnosed and hope you are doing better.
I'm so glad you're talking about these things. I'm almost 24, a women and I just got diagnosed with adhd. I went to my doctor with a list of symptoms yesterday, incase I forgot things when I got there. He asked me what I was there for and I just started crying. I'm so tired of being dismissed from the people in my life just because my adhd doesn't look like most people think it should. He read my list and gave me tests for anxiety, depression and adhd. I'm so thankful somebody finally listened.
I was honestly thinking about making a list myself. Reading that you made one makes me realise, that I really should do it. If often sit in front of the doctors and forget everything I wanted to tell them. So thanks for motivating me! ♥ I hope you're in a better place now
@@oOBloodyAllyOo he put me on concerta and it took a few weeks to even out but I'm doing really great now. It changed my life. If you're struggling, go after the help you need:) !
I’m with you, I also just got diagnosed at 24! It took years for me to get properly diagnosed, also due to being in the “gifted child” category. I was told as a child I have chronic depression, and always knew this was not the case. Flash forward to college, again depression and anxiety diagnosis. Fast forward to having a breakdown at 22 and quitting my job, and after a diagnosis of gad, ocd, ptsd…. And then finally 6 months later after seeing a specialized psychologist for ADHD and Autism I finally got confirmed for ADHD (more on the inattentive side, but a combo), and GAD. It’s so relieving to finally understand myself.
It’s like an on or off switch for me. Like i can be quiet while watching my brain show me dragons that breath party confetti and be content and quiet but hell if i also won’t tell you every lil detail if you ask.
I know how you feel I went to get an assessment and that's what I was told too. Now I'm determined to get a private assessment by an expert in ADHD. It's also likely I'm on the spectrum too (hoping to get tested for that too. I'm in my late 40's and there's so many struggles that are finally making sense. I've already been diagnosed with Dyslexia, but still so many parts of v my life that haven't made sense.
@@Loulizabeth I'm in the same boat. Only discovered I have ADHD after going back to college. Fortunately, my self diagnosis was enough for my psychiatrist and therapist. I'm in the process of getting an ASD evaluation too.
"It can be hard after a lifetime of persuading ourselves we don't even have needs, to know what they even are" Paraphrase from the 12:30ish mark --- wow!
I always learned that my needs just kind of... didn't matter. It wasn't my mom's fault, it was just a combination of a lot of different factors. I had three sisters and was always very independent, and so my mom was always trying to help them. (Also she had a really strong "Let's fix what's wrong" personality, instead of what I needed, such was a "sit and listen" personality. It takes me way too long to ask for help, even to this day.
LITERALLY SAME. Two younger siblings and a mom with a fix-it approach. It is so so hard to look beyond those experiences when they happened at such a formative age. I feel for you ❤️
@@becaboo-dv8dp weirdly enough, I was actually the YOUNGEST, but I was so annoyed by being babied that when I actually needed comfort no one knew what to do with me.
@@thescholarsjourney661 Ugh, I could totally see that being a huge frustration, especially for someone independent/self-sufficient. I definitely had the opposite of being expected to act like an adult way too early, but both are super harmful in different ways 😕
My mom has the fix it approach to me too, I don't want a solution, I want you to sit, listen and actually hear me! And I'm the middle child so I'm feeling some of those issues too!
Oh my god YES. I'm an only child, but for whatever reason my mother took the approach of often saying "oh it's x" or "well then do y." I don't need a solution or speculation, I need someone to listen to me. She still does this. I feel you. Asking for help is so difficult when I've been practically gaslit my whole life.
I’m 37, currently undiagnosed, and I have been disabled since childhood. My physical needs have always dominated my life. Having psychological needs on top of that made me feel selfish because I feel like I already had so much focus on me due to my disability and chronic pain. Channels like this one have made me really recognize how much of my life might change if those psychological needs are met.
Holy crud. That "the person you are trying to communicate with may not be able to meet your needs" thing hits so hard. I was even talking about this with my therapist a few weeks ago. It doesn't mean you don't love eachother or don't care, but humans survive with COMMUNITY. We don't give 100% of ourselves to one person. We have different people we can be whatever mix of ourselves we want/need to be in that moment.
and as an "independent person"-with unmet needs because i can't find it in everyone around me-i try to be everything and everyone for my own self. of course i fail.
THIS, i was literally just having a stress breakdown this week because I cant seem to find anyone interested in working out or Just Going On A Walk with me, I body double so much and get stressed when the people around me can't keep up with me or my interests etc.
“You have higher needs right now” was usually where my thoughts stopped. “And my needs are important, too” was such a powerful message from you (and your therapist), that I had to pause the video to let it sink in (and maybe cry a little). It’s clear how difficult it was for you to talk about this. I am deeply grateful that you did it anyway.
I've been diagnosed with ADHD several times, and after finally getting a therapist and trying to address it, she's been trying to tell me that she doesn't think I have ADHD because "I don't look like I have it". All of the mental health specialists I've talked to have tried to instead diagnose me with bipolar disorder just because I'm a woman, and don't outwardly show how much I struggle. She thinks that I solely struggle in every aspect of my life (especially academically and socially) due to family-related trauma, when I've been doing so much research and learning about myself for the past four years just to understand and come to terms with having ADHD. I'm still struggling with the fact that I'm different from many people, and that I can't process information the same way a neurotypical person would. I don't know how to "discipline" myself, when none of the strategies that the people use around me work. None of the people around me will acknowledge that I'm struggling, and I don't know how to deal with it alone. It's incredibly stressful. Thank you for this video. It makes me really happy to see that you're taking care of yourself and seeking the support you need. I'll take it as inspiration and do something nice for myself today.
That really sounds like you need to fire that therapist and find a better one for you. If the therapist isn't willing to listen to what you're saying (or even believe the experts who diagnosed them) then they're not going to help you get to where you want to be.
I'm so sorry you have experienced so much dismissal from therapists. I am a therapist and recently realized I have ADHD after my coworker who specializes in adults with ADHD pointed it out to me. I just thought I was lazy. I recently read the book Your Brain Is Not Broken and it was so validating and described how my brain works perfectly! It is published by a Christian publishing company, but is not preachy in any way. I highly recommend it!
I’m a therapist and was just diagnosed at age 55! I’m so very sorry that your therapist is being dismissive and is not diagnosing you adequately, and even dismissing previous diagnosis. I would probably ask her why she’s so intent on having you be bi-polar, and what makes her so antagonistic toward ADHD. And if she can’t listen or engage with that, then yeah…maybe her a new therapist. That’s allowed! You deserve to find the right fit for you. If someone isn’t hearing you, then it won’t be safe to be vulnerable with them. I hope you find the right fit for you. ❤️
I completely identify with what you are saying. I have do have bipolar disorder, but I also have ADHD. I've done hours of research and watched a carefully curated set of videos (including this channel) and I have finally gotten a better understanding of myself. I am trying to get an "official" diagnosis now that I understand why my brain is and always has been different. My mother feels it's 'just another thing', but my support family is very supportive (thank goodness) and are encouraging me to get a diagnosis. The first thing my psychiatrist asked me was if I was hyperactive as a child. At that moment I knew I was going to have to find a therapist who was more familiar with ADHD - which scares me, because she's otherwise a good psychiatrist.
My mom didn't take my ADHD seriously when I first told her about the diagnosis. Finally, a few days ago a lot of the pressures led to a conversation with my mom telling her how I've struggled on my own throughout my middle and high school years and how my "bad habits" that she was always disappointed in are how my ADHD had manifested itself in my life. Before this talk I always felt like she didn't understand me and I always felt alone, but now after watching a few of your videos with her, I could show my mom that ADHD affects literally every aspect of my life and makes some things harder to do than others. I hope anyone out there with ADHD is able to find the support system they need
My brother was the typical hyper active adhd so everyone looked at him and was like yip he is adhd but for me I had inattentive adhd that went undiagnosed for 32 years. Everyone put it down to me being lazy, depressed, anxious, couldn't get it together and the meltdowns were "tantrums" and I was told to just grow up. When I was 32 my niece who is autistic and adhd moved to the same city as me and she mirrored my actions that I had as a child. I immediately did research and cause of this channel I went to get assessed and it came out I was adhd. Since going on meds my whole life has changed. I will never ever go one day without my medication. But with the mental clarity, alot of childhood things have come up that have caused trauma to me. I found out that my nail biting / hair pulling / skin picking was stimming to regulate and my outbursts and untidiness was emotion and executive disfunction. Information from sources like this channel has been so valuable and helpful. 🌸 Thank you for this insightful video.
@@cospaws8810 good luck on your journey. That first week of meds is absolutely AMAZING! Stopping the negative thoughts in your head and the imposter syndrome alone has been absolutely beautiful 💕
but may I know what the real treatment is for this? Even if one gets diagnosed or not one knows one is in trouble, but the tough part is finding treatment/therapy/support/community that you know really works. I've read about electrically shorting out brain circuits. any of you can chime in?
I recently got diagnosed at 23. I don't feel comfortable telling people I have ADHD because I think they wouldn't believe me. I think I have internalized a lot of the stereotypes about ADHD too, so I feel like an imposter even with my diagnosis. For example I used to have really good grades in school. As a kid, I often hyperfocused on homework! So that only worked for my benefit and since I didn't bring any trouble, no one suspected anything. Only after starting to live by myself and having gone through major depression and anxiety, was I able to go to therapy where my therapist saw the signs. I am in a much better place now, though still struggling and I can finally start dreaming of my future again. I want to continue studying and have a nice happy home with my cat :)
I'm always amazed when someone can actually figure out WHAT they are feeling. That's really hard for me most of the time. Oh, except "overwhelmed." I have lots of practice with that feeling.
have you heard the term *alexithymia* ? it translates to "not having words for your emotions" (though people mistakenly use it to mean _not knowing how you feel_ )
@@MorganBondelid I did some research and I don't think I have that, but thank you for the suggestion of what it could be. It was interesting to learn about it. I think it may be more about the difficulty I have calming the constant thoughts (hyperactivity) in my mind enough to be able to pay attention to my feelings and just give them time and space to... be. There was also childhood trauma which propelled me into survival mode for many years, and when you're in that mode, emotions take a backseat to just trying to get physical needs like hunger met, so I kind of learned to keep them there I guess. I always portrayed that I was "fine" and strong on the outside, so I guess I got used to "masking" as I learned it's called. I'm used to keeping my head down and just working, working, working, so when I stop long enough to try to think of what I'm feeling it's like, I don't know, I haven't been paying attention... and also, how DO you pay attention?? 🤔 Another thing I've noticed I do, is that when I actually do know what I'm feeling, I assume I'm the last one to figure it out... to put a label on it like "angry" for example... so I figure everyone else should know how I feel inside without me verbalizing it. Well, that's not fair to them. I have to get better about saying how I feel, too, which is risky.
I grew up with a brother who had autism. As someone who had ADHD and also did very well in school, I don't think I've ever heard anyone else describe their childhood as being almost exactly what I also went through. Thank you for speaking about an experience that I didn't know if anyone else could relate to and making it feel and sound valid.
Thanks for sharing. My brother was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, O.D.D., etc and I often felt like people would pay attention to what’s they thought was best for him but not pay attention to my needs, so thanks for sharing your story because it’s refreshing to know there’s people with almost the same experiences. Btw I love your profile picture
@@aqualyons8168 I'm glad that I could make you feel validated. It's hard to be the sibling who also needs help but doesn't get it. It's also hard to be the "normal" sibling too. Thanks for the compliment on my icon.
I have two sisters with autism. During middle school, my mom got diagnosed with kidney failure. It made me grow up faster and being undiagnosed at the time probably did not help with my emotions.
I struggled with ADD my whole life, I recently got diagnosed this year. You were one of the first youtubers I watched. I honestly wanna say thank you for clearing a lot of things up for me!
@@poetz123 No reason to be pedantic. It's had many names over the years, none of which are particularly good at describing the condition, including the current one
Amen. I also struggle with ADD. I can barely work or keep a job long term. I might get fired from my job. Also I noticed I always have to have a video or something playing in the background when I game. My brain is weird lol
Thank you for making this video because I think you're going to help a lot of people with it. I just started to feel heard by learning much of what you said in this video just about a week or two ago because I got diagnosed with ADHD. I always thought I had it but I never wanted to get diagnosed because I felt like it communicated that people needed special treatment to succeed when I just needed the space to be authentically listened too. Expectations took away that authenticity. I also wanted to say that I feel like I believe that these lessons can be just as helpful to people without ADHD too and that it shouldn't be implemented or viewed as special treatment. I never thought there was anything wrong with me and I just felt like I couldn't communicate that without compromising on my beliefs. Anyway, thanks for reading this if you do, the things you've taught me on your channel are some of my most cherished. As a viewer, I trust that you know what's right and that you trust others to communicate to you when they disagree. Keep doing what you thinks best, it makes what you do here authentic and effective :)
Awwwww, thank you so much! That means so much to hear and I'm so glad you could feel heard. 🧡 But also thank YOU so much for not just watching the content but choosing to support us like this as well. It really means a lot and it will definitely help us to continue making these videos. 😊
i am currently in the testing off ADHD and ever since i watched you i felt "home" you make me feel welcomed and normal instead of what every one else says
I have a son with a rare form of epilepsy known as Lennox Gastaut Syndrome and he has special needs. I myself have anxiety, bipolar disorder and adhd and I’m a single mom of 3…I had to learn that eventhough my kids needed so much from me, I also have to protect my own mental health. Caregiver burnout is real and as hard as it is to ask for help. I’ve hit a point in my life where I need to accept help and find my own little village to help me raise my kids. It doesn’t make me a failure, a bad mom, or a lazy person. It makes me a responsible and happier person which makes me a better mom! ❤
It's really hard flying under the radar when a sibling or family member is presenting visible and/or otherwise chronic illnesses. I identify so much with this, and trying to learn that it's ok to have needs and to admit that it can be heck trying to live around the bigger need, both. Thank you as always!
I was diagnosed at 22 and nobody in my life thought I would've had ADHD. I have combined so I'm always restless but never hyper, and I'm absurdly good at test taking so I got good grades. Whenever I tell someone I have ADHD I'm always surprised at how many myths about it people actually believe. If I had gotten treatment or structure growing up, I think I would've been a happier adult. I've always felt like I haven't lived up to my potential because I didn't know I had these issues until later in life. Luckily I'm on a better path now at 27 and finally making life changes to make my mental health better. Can't dwell on the past, can only make the future better!
'good at test taking' - tell me about it! Used to go the whole year taking ages to get any small piece of work done and then ace my exams because suddenly could focus under the exam pressure.
i felt like i just read a paragraph about myself. it’s uncanny. i got diagnosed last year at 22 and at 23 i’m still learning to recognize and be more aware of my adhd symptoms. but after years of writing them off as “bad character flaws” it’s been tough. reading these shared experiences in the comments is quite uplifting so thank you for sharing your truth 💛
@@romabordawekar899 Glad to hear you don't feel alone anymore 😊 and don't be afraid of the stigma behind medications. They really help me but it's not for everyone. Finding a therapist who specializes in adhd is nice too
I got diagnosed at 18 or 19 and literally everyone said, "you can't have a.d.d. -- you can sit and read a book for hours!" I didn't bounce off walls and i could sit still and read, so everyone thought i was misdiagnosed. (This was 1993 of 1994 but people still don't know much and usually just think it's an excuse, or that it's made up or over diagnosed or can be fixed with diet...
For me this has come exactly at the right time. I was in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD, and last time the clinician was quite dismissive about my struggles, saying it did not seem to impact me a lot. I stood up for me today, with a pre-written letter that I read aloud about why it does impact my life and I wish for and deserve help. I got my prescription in the end, and tomorrow will be the first day on medication ... I am so excited and hopeful!
@@sylokthedefiled Exactly. I keep forgetting to inform them how much of a struggle "seeming normal" is for me, and how it doesn't come naturally. I mean, I know a lot of people still wouldn't understand but I wish I stood up a bit more for myself in the past.
I only got diagnosed this year, and also got told when I was like 4 and my brother got diagnosed that I couldn't have ADHD because as someone AFAB and already able to read fluently at 4 to 5 years old, learning to write and do math so quickly, basically it also was a "they're too smart to have ADHD". So it took 14 more years of being told I have so much potential, why am I not doing what needs to be done, why can't I grow up finally, why am I so emotional, and so on, until I finally got diagnosed. And even then, my mum still says things like "why can't you just do x", "Why do you forget everything" etc etc. It hurts so much and she is always so sure she is supporting me and that I have ADHD and shuts me down when I explain my symptoms and how ADHD affects me with a "I already know everything about it because I did research when your father got diagnosed". But obviously, she doesn't. Reminds me of that phrase "You don't bully someone for having ADHD/being autistic. You bully them because they are different from you." And now there is also a high chance that I may be autistic as well, and I am too scared to tell anyone, even my ADHD-specialist, because what if I am not taken seriously - again?
I am still not officially diagnosed, because I didn't figure out what I had until I tripped over this youtube channel this year. Since I have celebrated my 29th birthday many years running now, I fully understand how that can feel. If you have symptoms that are unexplained by ADHD, by all means, tell your specialist. I, too, was one of the gifted ones who couldn't possibly have any issues, but was just lazy and unfocused. I've been getting by on the fact that I am bright, and can do great work when I absolutely must, but not one second before. Not great. Don't let fear that others won't support you stop you from asking for help. If you don't try, it can't get better.
I’m so sorry you have had such a tough time. Please continue to advocate for yourself and seek out the help you need. We all deserve to live our best lives and to get the support we need.
People can hurt a lot, but try not to take it personaly... No human is normal, nobody is perfect... It can be hard for people to understand or believe us, but in the end, what really matters is YOU.
Same same same! When my doctor tested me she said my testing showed that my brain is so hyper that it would most definitely affect attention and it's spot on. One of my biggest struggle in school was reading words on a page and not being able to absorb what I just read and sometimes it would take times reading the same thing or reading it out loud to be able to comprehend and remember what I just read. I always got good grades and didn't realize that alot of my anxiety was actually adhd!
Oh, I definitely have a "flying under the radar" story. I was someone who was well on his way to becoming a physician, but fell off of the track 10 years ago when I finally had trouble in residency. It wasn't until maybe a year ago when videos like Jessica's helped me realize that recontextualizing my whole life through the lens of ADHD made a bit too much sense. I remember growing up having difficulties with reading comprehension and organization up through high school, but college was ironically easier since I essentially found a way to abuse what I later realized was hyperfocus at the time by getting into the rhythm of the all-nighter adrenaline rush before every test and most projects. And in med school, the "flying under the radar" unique to me was how there's a bit of an inside joke that every med student thinks that they have a little bit of everything. So when I got to the subject of ADHD, I just thought, "yeah, this sounds like me too," shrugged, and moved on.
Being diagnosed ADHD/Gifted and as a girl, but without intervention, meant that I wasted far too much energy with basic self control, instead of also using potential. Sometimes no one is to blame, life just happens. But people like you make a BIG impact in send growth, THANKS!!! ❤️🙏💞
I’m 25 years old and I recently found out that I have ADHD, I have living all my life with this and your videos have helping me a lot to comprehend more about ADHD and my situation. 😊
If you find yourself with some time, I recommend picking up What Does Everybody Else Know That I Don't?, By Michele Novotni, PhD and Randy Petersen. It's a really great primer for seeing how growing up with ADHD changed your experiences and the lessons you learned.
I'm right there with you with the "my turn never comes around." I'd love to see that video on "how to get your needs met when others have greater needs." In recent years I've gradually gotten better at advocating for myself, but I still struggle with the rejection sensitivity, which makes boundaries hard. I do have a small number of friends that are excellent at being supportive for different types of "emotional needs/struggles." And I cherish them.
I recently saw a psych to be diagnosed for ADHD and Autism. Ended up with an Autism stage 1 diagnosis, but negative for ADHD. My psych specifically said that she did not believe I had ADHD because 1) I had not been diagnosed as a child, 2) I did well in school, and 3) I am co-morbid with MDD and GAD and the symptoms I saw as ADHD could be attributed to those. Really messed with me for a awhile, especially bc my therapist was pretty sure I did have ADHD
Using not being diagnosed as a child as a reason you can't be diagnosed at all is so silly. There are so many reasons you might not have been diagnosed, including parents and teachers who failed you by not caring enough or having stigma against mental health diagnoses. I feel like this psych is a bit shallow sighted and would look to get a second opinion from someone else if possible
That's what second opinions are for, definitely seek one out. Your therapist should hopefully be able to share enough information with them that you won't need to start from scratch explaining your symptoms.
I really don't like this "you weren't diagnosed as a child" thing... for that you need people who actually recognize that something is not right and also ask for an assessment. If that never happend for whatever reason, it still doesn't mean that there were no signs :( I only got assessed first a few months ago (close to my 40th birthday) and my therapist interviewed my mom about my childhood and she never thought anything was "wrong" with me, but whatever she told him about my "normal" behaviour, made him diagnose me as a child with clear ADHD....
Sorry, but that is not true. From personal experience. I got to PhD before I got diagnosed. Though writing my thesis took many-many years. But man, academic success is not everything. ADHD messed with so many other aspects of my life.
I know you may not see every individual comment, but I’m commenting anyway just in case because your channel always helps me feel seen. I also almost always end up sending your videos to my mom as generational trauma is very real and affects us both in the ways you so well describe. Thank you for the work you do ❤️
Literally crying by the end of this video, feeling seen and understood. Thank you so much for your open and honest vulnerability and for sharing this content with us.
Your words are exactly what I needed to hear. I have complex PTSD from childhood abuse and neglect, and I follow you because most of my symptoms are indistinguishable from ADHD. How freeing, to hear that my needs are important. Thank you.
Same, developed CPTSD from childhood abuse and neglect, and learned that a LOT of it was due to my neurotypical family's extreme ableism, stigmatisation, and lack of awareness or attention to get me diagnosed as a kid that lead to their abuse. ADHDers (especially as kids) are so much more vulnerable to abuse simply because ableistic neurotypicals end up abusing and mistreating neurodivergent people.
I feel this message way too much. I was very typical inattentive ADHD as a child and it went completely unaddressed. Because I am above-average IQ, teachers would say "he's smart, he's just bored" which was true, but there was more to it. Due to family dynamics and relocating often, it became clear that my well-being was my responsibility. Others well-being was also my responsibility. When I received positive reinforcement it was typically for how quiet / patient I was. I was putting myself off for others and congratulated for it. That went deep into my thought process. It was also clear that others did not have the bandwidth or level of understanding to help if I did reach out..so I was my counselor. Being diagnosed this year, at 38yrs old, the level of processing my entire life's worth of being misunderstood (within and without) has been overwhelming. Processing concepts like "it's okay to ask for help" is a lot. Between your videos and others, I'm feeling my way down darkened hallways and starting to understand my brain a little at a time. Thank you for tackling the hard topics 🧠 🙏🏻
My story is so similar, the unravelling and processing over the last year since being diagnosed at 38 has been intense. But how awesome to finally get a peek behind the curtain of who we truly are, and discover our very valid needs. This channel has been so affirming for me too 💜
I had the similar experiences growing up and at 32 am still not undiagnosed because I’m “too old” to have ADHD. It feels so defeating and demoralizing to try and finally get help for myself and be repeatedly rejected. So thank you for sharing; it’s very validating and gives me hope.
My needs were not being met for 33 years. I learned to help myself with what I could, and let go of some things that I couldn't handle. Everyone in my life just thought I was a lazy underachiever who had memory issues, and emotional outbursts. So glad my son got diagnosed, which led me to educate myself, which led me to my own diagnosis. My needs are being met and understood to a much higher degree now.
I'm just sitting folding my laundry trying not to cry cause it's been so long since I had my needs met and I just got abandoned by a partner who I worked so hard to give to and she just.. didn't have it in her to give back :/ Thank you for making clear, kind, thoughtful and well informed videos. They feel like a light left on to help a body find their way home
That is such a perfect metaphor, my heart lifts to hear "Hello Brains".....I just can't help smiling 🙂 I hope you can heal your heart and find your ways in the corridors, you deserve it 👍
"The person I'm trying to get my needs met from... is not the right fit for meeting those needs." Brilliant insight. I think it's easy to think that we have a right to have our needs met and expect that of the people who care about us, but sometimes those people aren't able or competent to provide the support we need (and sometimes we aren't able or competent to meet certain needs of others!)
I just got diagnosed yesterday at 32. Your videos were invaluable to me in understanding that I wasn't alone and I wasn't just a broken person. I have tried my whole life to put my thinking in terms that people would understand and I just never felt like anyone believed me. I was the youngest of 3 children and "flying under the radar" was exactly who I was my whole life, even though everyone told me how gifted of a musician I was. My older brothers always got more care and attention and my coping mechanism for so long was to not bother anyone with my struggles because no one seemed to care or get it. Your Ted talk moved me to tears and gave me hope for the first time in my life. While it hurts to know the struggles I had to endure could have been prevented, it is amazing to know that it actually does get better. That I don't need addictions or vices to help me function. I could go on forever, really. I start stimulants next week and while I have been grieving the person that I never got to become, I am actually excited to see how my life can change in a positive way. Your videos and your experience made that possible for me. I don't know if I could ever adequately thank you. You gave me purpose when I had reached my limit. I thought death was the only way out. Thank you for showing me the light at the end of the tunnel. You saved my life and my marriage.
That first minute described my experience pretty well. Doing well in school is not always a good indicator that one does *not* have ADHD. In fact, as a person diagnosed with ADHD late in life who has completed college and done graduate work, I see ways in which my native ability to learn easily compensated for the things that were holding me back from doing even better in school. I was often a good student in grade school, college, and even grad school, but not always the best, because I seldomly had the patience and attention to do much more than what came easily to me unless there was a substantial external motivation or deadline to perform. It's probably a big reason why I never got diagnosed until just recently. I see now, however, ways in which this held me back that I previously attributed solely to laziness or lack of commitment on my part. This especially came to the fore in my first stint in grad school (two amd a half years of good grades, but never completed the thesis to get the degree) and technical education (lots of classes completed, but no certification exams taken to show for it).
Thank you. I've been "shelving" my stuff to take care of my husband and kids(all have some sort of neurodiversity, I might as well), and when my husband started going to therapy, I could finally start taking my stuff off the shelves and discussing it. It felt so nice and relieving to have a conversation about my stuff, and have it stay focused on my stuff instead of it derailing to his stuff.
Thank you. I needed this today 🧸 I was diagnosed last week, at the age of 50, partly because watching your videos gave me the courage to seek a diagnosis. I was pretty excited, because things finally made sense. When I told my family today, I was ridiculed. Trying to not fall apart 🥺
I cannot tell you how much I want to cry right now. This is something I’ve needed to hear my whole life. Infrequently believe wholeheartedly that I’m adaptable and don’t have any needs. I have so much to reframe. 😭😭😭 thank you so much for this
I had a friend once who was a taker. He kept on asking for more and more, and when I refuse to give my help he got really upset and would constantly ask me to give him help. I always got annoyed and felt bad and so I helped him out. The thing that I never really noticed just before not being friends with him anymore, is that he wouldn’t really help me with my problems or wouldn’t support me. Most of my ex-friends didn’t. It really affected my social media presence and who I could trust for more than half a year. But thanks to you, I am trying to move on and deal with this. Thank you so much!
One of my siblings is a chronic taker, and not only that, demands that we address any emotional discomfort she might experience. She often gets fixated on some nitpicky thing that we may or may not have to power to even attempt for her, and then, she tries to argue and bully us into feeling shame about it. Or even if we attempt to help her, she refuses to be satisfied. It's like our theoretical shame is her satisfaction. What baloney! It's especially wearing and infuriating, because these demands are about either imaginary things or about things that no one should have to fix for another person. If she has ever tried to "help" me, I usually end up being expected to take care of her.
This lines up a lot with what's being chipped away at in my current therapy sessions. I'm realizing that I'm both uncomfortable acknowledging/ stating my needs, and that I've learned to ignore them so well as a means to keep the peace that I often feel oblivious to them and struggle to even know what I need now that I'm no longer in those old situations.
Hey Jess (and team!), I wanted to thank you for making these videos and your channel in general. I was diagnosed with ADHD just yesterday (I'm 26), all thanks to your videos. It turns-out I never actually knew what ADHD was, and after seeing what the day-to-day life of someone with ADHD might look like in your videos (and realizing it pretty much perfectly matched my experience), I decided to seek diagnosis, which I now have. After struggling in school all my life, dropping out of uni twice, and just barely managing to hold-on the third time into a third year (albeit with the worst grades you'd ever seen), I now finally feel like I have a chance of actually getting my degree in mechanical engineering. Going undiagnosed for so long has unfortunately done a number on me and my mental health like you've described in your videos before, including daily suicidal thought since I was 13. But now that I have a diagnosis and finally feel like my entire life makes sense, I'm looking forward to a 'new' start (with the help of medication). So, again, thank you for all you do. I think I'm not exaggerating when I say that your videos are a literal life-changer and, in some cases, life-saver as well. Keep up the good work and I can't wait to read your book.
I found your channel a couple weeks ago after my partner told me *her* therapist diagnosed *me* with ADHD based on a lot of the behaviors I exhibit. I laughed at first, but the more I've researched it, the more validating a lot of it has become. This video particularly clarified my lived experience. When I was a kid, my younger sister had a lot more severe learning disabilities and neurological challenges that required a lot of attention from my parents. So when I started having challenges that were smaller in comparison, my parents didn't acknowledge them and instead criticized me. They would say that I was so gifted, why can't I just do my homework? I could lock into video games for hours on end, why can't I pay attention in class? I could read a full multi-hundred page book in two days, why couldn't I read the assigned books from school? And behavioral issues? A great way to get slapped, hit, or thrown into walls and furniture. Now, 29, I realized that I internalized assertions I was lazy and ungrateful because my sister had it so much worse than me. I actually believed false narratives about how time blindness was a choice or ADHD was a sign of poor parenting. But having met people with severe ADHD in my life, and coming to terms with the fact that I almost certainly have it myself, I realize that even if I *don't* have ADHD (I'm gonna need an official diagnosis to see if it's not something else entirely), my challenges still have merit and we all need to be more communicative about our needs. So even if I'm a brain, a heart, or both... your channel is super helpful for people and I appreciate you affirming a lot of the experiences we all face!
Geez. You're parents physically abused you as punishment for your less strong but just as important ADHD. That has to be hard to come to terms with. You matter. You're issues matter. I hope you get the help you need one day.
@@GreenGorgeousness yeah, had an epiphany about that but I have already kind of processed the abuse so thankfully that wasn't so bad. Kind of just clarified for me that my parents were more negligent than I already knew they were. I don't really have the energy for resentment toward them though. Thanks for the encouragement.
My brother had a more severe form. I didn't know I had ADHD until I had kids and researched it. It made so much sense. Terms like Spacey Stacy and oh just show her something shiny and always being late or disorganized and the fact that being a mom and doing home maintenance tasks were so dang hard for me and why I was always so emotional and sensitive made sense. The more I educate myself the more I understand. You Jessica have been such a huge impact on my education journey. I thank God that there is you tube. Because reading books is something I struggle with. So thank you for breaking down these topics in simple clear ways of understanding how and why we tick and strategies that may be helpful and the fact that having to shift to a different strategy when it doesn't work is okay and actually needed. Thanks. Truely.
Its Amazing to listen to people who talk about ADHD and they dont actually have ADHD. So many "Almost's" or swings and misses even by professionals who think they know ADHD. Then when someone with ADHD Talks about ADHD,and Dealing with it their whole life... So many times I have to rewind and see if I heard correctly the things that hit home and that I too have struggled with are actually being said.
Your videos are always helpful, but this one is potentially one of the most helpful videos I've ever watched. I feel like this put a lot into perspective for me. I have the same problem and learned as a child that my needs aren't as important as others, and this video helped me realize I think this is why I've been feeling so burnt out with a lot of relationships in my life. Thank you so much for your videos!
This is the most relatable video I've seen on TH-cam. I remember back in primary school asking to see the teacher aides for extra help during class, but was told I didn't need it. After that, I never asked for help again. Over the next 15 years, I never put myself first, I always put the needs of my family first (father and brother in and out of depression states, and mother having a heart attack). I'd put university on hold numerous times over 10yrs to 'be there' and be the rock of the family. I'd see my family GP a few times over the years regarding my own health and would be told that I'm just feeling a bit down and just go cheer myself up. I didn't bother going back to ask about my mental health again (I'd become quite proficient at my own mental strength by this point). Fast forward to 30yrs old - working in my career as an Exercise Physiologist specialising in Neurological Rehabilitation and Disability, predominantly working with Autism, married with a 6 month old son. I go to a GP and say "Hey, in my eyes, I've got a house, wife, son and rewarding career that I don't need to be motivated to do - I should be happy, but aren't I?" She sent me to a psychologist to discuss CBT, and after 2 sessions he saw that I had Autism and ADHD. He asked me to pretty much recount my past and he said you've missed a diagnosis - not a commonly known thing 30yrs ago, so no one's going to check it. I had this internal struggle which I thought was normal, and my masking had become so 'normal' for me that I couldn't tell who the real me was. I'd always justify why I shouldn't be feeling the way I did in situations, that I couldn't even properly identify my own emotions. He said that ASD and ADHD can get exposed when severe levels of depression and anxiety hit, particular when your energy (that you would normally use to mask) is required elsewhere - maintaining a house, relationship, newborn and job. Skip to today, I have been trying to 'put down the mask' and let my mind and body do what it feels, and it has been amazing. The only downside - my day to day activities have become structured chaos 🤣 especially being on Christmas holidays. He is looking to get me officially assessed and explore medication in future. I see a lot of ASD and ADHD in children (particularly LVL 2&3) and work very well with them. But adult life is unfamiliar territory for me. Your videos have been the best discovery on here. Love your work ❤️
I was diagnosed in my 30s after talking with friends who were already diagnosed. I think my biggest Grrr moment was talking to my Mom and having her say “yeah, I was pretty sure you had ADHD even as a kid.” I can understand not wanting to make the choice to put your kid on a controlled substance, but she never once told me about it when I became an adult until I brought it up. I was gifted too, did well in school too. My issue is mental hyperactivity, which manifested for me as emotional regulation issues. I still struggle with that and it’s hurt my relationship with my Mom
Diagnosed last year at 48 - your channel has been an invaluable reference and learning tool for me. Yet another video that helps me to relate to things in my life, past and present. Great stuff!
As a 15 Year Old, who recently Got diagnosed, i find these videos so inspired and hopeful, that i Can someday grow and not struggle so much. I love your videos and you’re so cool and strong. You’re really helping me understand myself. I hope you read this. Thank you so much for all you do.😊❤️☺️
Thank you for sharing. I really resonated with your story and explanation. I’ve been the “giver” my whole life partially stemming from others needs, ignoring my own needs, but also the idea that “if I don’t do this, no one else will.” I think that really affected the way I navigate through all kinds of relationships with others. When you’re shown that you don’t matter, you really start to feel like and manifest it in the way you approach others.
There are so many valuable insights in this episode. There were at least 5 times that I thought, “This could be an entire episode on just this.” As always, thank you for your time and courage. ❤
my dad ruled out adhd because he never saw me running around or being very active when sitting still but the hyperactive part of me was in my head i run around in my mind and apparently this also wasnt something that any test in school came up with and my dad was really upset that they never caught that.
When I was four and already reading fluently, my brother was diagnosed as dyslexic. He got support and consideration, I was supposed to not "brag" about my reading skills and no one explained why. His needs were more important than mine. When I was ten, I tried teaching myself to play the piano in the basement using an old beginner's piano book. My brothers, watching TV upstairs, stomped on the floor to make me stop. When I complained to my mother, she told me I should be considerate and not play piano when they were watching TV. Their wants were more important than mine. In Jr. High, my oldest brother had a part in a musical play and practiced his singing part at night in the room next to mine while I was trying to sleep. I complained to my mom, and she said that he needed to practice. His needs were more important than mine. And so on and so on and so on. This video hit hard. Everyone's needs were more important than mine when I was growing up. My job was to be small and quiet and not be inconvenient.
I relate to this SO much!! I made my needs so small when I was a kid. Growing up, my family was either too wrapped up in their own issues or they were focused on my little sister's bigger needs. It took me till I was 28, struggling with addiction and in a terrible relationship to get help. It's 8 years later and I have the tools I need to cope with most of my issues (bipolar and dyslexia). I still need to get tested for ADHD.
I'm 33 and just realizing I've had undiagnosed ADHD my entire life thanks to tik tok. Learning about ADHD has made a lot of sense of what things I do to cope with it and help me understand my fiancé and both of our struggles with ADHD and each others ADHD. I'm not sure what lead me to your channel, but I really enjoy it. I always associated ADHD as hype active and constantly doing things and I struggle to do simple tasks. It's fascinating to learn why I am like I am and not constantly wondering why I'm not "normal". I am "Normal" just in a different way.
Thank you. What you do absolutely matters. At 42, while helping someone else do research, I realized I might have been misdiagnosed as a child, and again in early adulthood. Because of your content I felt confident asking to be tested. I have to wait several months, but that is ok. My provider offered some options and support that is available until I have an official diagnosis.
I can relate to your experience. I’m sorry that happened to you. It took me a very long time to acknowledge my own needs and to make steps to meet those. It is a kind of trauma I believe. Good on you for talking about this!! ❤
Thank you for these videos. It took me long time to acknowledge my own needs. My friends still have some issues to really understand that I don't take my own time just because I don't like to hang out, but because I really need it.
oh my god, I have always felt the same and dejected about my needs, I still do it and be the strongest person and feel like my needs don't matter. I was brilliant in my studies and popular in school but there's a lot of trauma that I need unwinding, you really help me relate and soothe.
Your story sounds a lot like mine. My brother was diagnosed with ASD when I was 9 (he was 11), and so much attention was spent acclimating to his needs, mine were a little laid by the wayside. I was considered the ‘easy’ child, because of this, and placed a lot of pressure on myself to make my family’s life easier by not telling them when I was struggling. I’m now 22, and was diagnosed with ADHD a couple months ago. My family, especially my mum and brother, seem to be having a hard time understanding me and my needs now, because I finally feel like I have the voice to speak up about them. A constant refrain in my house is ‘you never used to be like this’. Don’t get me wrong, they both support me (and so does my dad, but he also thinks he has ADHD, so it’s easier for him), but I completely understand why your advice is to bring both people’s needs to the table, as it can be really harmful to the person not speaking up. Love your videos, Jess, they really helped me understand myself better
Are we the same person? Cause this mirrors my experience so much. I’m 21 and currently in the progress of getting diagnosed since I’ve finally started to become aware of my needs (mostly thanks to this channel-Thanks Jess!) But I have a very similar experience my younger sister was diagnosed with ASD when in elementary school and I had a similar experience growing up, and even now when I’m discussing the possibility of adhd with my parents.
3:51 THANK YOU! Yes, I needed to know this, because I've also been doing this my WHOLE LIFE. Having that language, and knowing you can express the need to have your needs met and not ignored, is truly mind-blowing. And it's so simple! But life-changing..
I LOVE seeing how your content has evolved as you have evolved over the years, and as you have put so much work into trauma therapy and healing. Thank you so much for sharing what you’ve learned
Thank you so much for being vulnerable. I love people who express with authenticity. Suspected ADHD here, almost 50 (OMG!) and so hard to think my needs matter. Thank you!
This rings so true, thank you for sharing ❤ Having only recently been diagnosed I'm still processing that growing with this kind of pattern and not acknowledging my needs has created such imbalance in my relationships.
Awwwwww, you're welcome, you definitely have a whole community here with many people who feel similarly. 🧡 And alsso thank you so much for the support, it means a lot to us. 🧡
When I first realised my own neurodivergentness last halloween, your videos were very so to me to better understand what I was going through without having a diagnosis. I got diagnosed with combined ADHD on Friday:))) Thank you so for putting the information out there so well presented and easily accessable:)
This was so good. I recently was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult because of similar circumstances. It was because of trauma therapy that I realized I can get a diagnosis myself. And I did. And it was to totally there. It doesn’t feel like a monster with out a face anymore. I know the name and I now know what to do next. This combination of therapy plus a diagnosis is life changing. I know it was for me. Thanks for this video. So many people need to hear this. I know I did. Thank you!
I'm a 37 y.o guy from Brazil and my mother used to be a nurse. Back when I was a kid ('87-'92), there was a bit of a push back related to "overdiagnosing ADHD" (at least around these parts), and through a home diagnosis test my mom decided that "well, if he has ADHD then everyone in the family also does" (probably due to lack of understanding of the test results and how to actually read them). Now, 30 something years later... it makes sense that "everyone in the family may also have ADHD" given it is actually hereditary... >.>
I was the brilliant kid but lazy, the annoying, a big disappointment that was not going to get far. So far I haven't gone that far but I am on my damn way.
I need to watch this one over again! I really struggle with getting my needs met and am too ready to meet everyone else's needs. I even need to identify what my needs are. So I'm going to dive into some of the resources when they appear. Thank you so much, Jessica. You are one of my very favourite TH-camrs.
Thank you, Jessica. This. My brother has dyslexia, and it was tough for him. He got support but still struggled, even to this day. My ADHD and autism (still waiting for assessments, but I am sure now) got through undetected, because I had good grades in elementary school, and did ok beyond that. Then my mom had cancer, and she passed when I was 18. And my father had a career. So I had to drone on, right? And to be fair, my parents’ generation knew this approach, they were kids during the war. Couldn’t focus on finishing my diploma though, and that’s when I crashed. Still undiagnosed, undetected. A GP, a neurologist and a psychiatrist couldn’t find anything. Now that was 30 years ago though, mind you. Sorry, I had to blurt this out after watching your video for 2 minutes. 😅 I will watch the rest now. 😊 Thanks again. ❤️
I was never given any thought or compassion growing up when trying to express my struggles.. pushed myself way beyond the edge and ended up with severe CFS for 12 years. This year I got my ADHD diagnosis and am now trying to find the right medication, which is overwhelming and scary. Am 28 now
Every one of your videos has me in tears because I relate so much. Brother diagnosed with ADHD, sister with type 1 diabetes and autism, and me in the middle doing well in school but spending 5 hours a night desperately trying to get my homework done with no time for friends. I was my moms venting person and never felt like I was listened to. Over time I’ve figured out the oranges at the hardware store thing but goodness it’s taken a long time!!! Thank you for this wonderful resource!
This made me feel stuff. I appreciate your content so much and you’ve been so helpful in my adhd discovery journey so far. The other day someone pointed out a people pleasing behaviour of mine to me as ‘really annoying’ and I had a internal breakdown wondering how I had got to a point of annoying by breaking myself to be the opposite and I have so much work to do to get back from here. This is a brilliant first step and just lots of thank you x
OMG I can’t even begin to tell you how much I resonate with your experience! From being passed over and taught that my needs are important and never having my turn to just straight up struggling with ADHD and many of my problems myself, from feeling like a failure who is behind and never met my full potential etc. I’m so glad you made this channel.
That phrase, "I didn't know what healthy looked like." has been a huge revelation for me over the last couple years. I had too many factors in my early life that sort of better explained my personality and mental state that in many respects I was labeled as a lost cause. My little brother was diagnosed with ADHD sometime around 1992, but the stigma in my household was that he was a pariah because of it, which I think led me to mask any similar behaviors really hard.
I just wanted to say that your videos have helped me so much. Not only with finding ways to finally cope with my overlooked ADHD, but also with helping me deal with the ignorant teachers and staff at school who won’t help deal with me and my sibling’s needs. It’s given me so much relief and makes me feel so much less helpless
I cannot even begin to tell you how much I appreciate this video! Thank you SO much for talking about this and I sincerely appreciate the suggestions and examples you gave on how to verbalize needs. Especially part about trying to buy oranges from the hardware store analogy, getting upset because they don’t have any and how we can support our inner child. Thank you!!!!
Definitely going to rewatch this. My friend and I had a conflict over the weekend. She has schizoaffective disorder (which she calls her "disability") and I have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. We both struggle with anxiety and have codependency patterns in our past, but I'm actively working on changing my relationship patterns. She was assigned to bring food for an event, so I volunteered to help her, since she seemed overwhelmed by the prospect. I was also suffering a knee injury (though it doesn't show much) and I told her about this in advance and reminded her during. We prepared the food. There were things she said and did that triggered my memories of past Narcissistic/BPD abuse, in addition to her overall anxious demeanor. During the event, she asked me to do several things I was physically uncomfortable with and I told her I didn't want to. There were other people she could have asked, but didn't. I admit, there are things I could have said differently. She seemed to take issue with me firmly saying no and avoided me the rest of the evening. Now, it's my responsibility to bring it up again to address it. I worry that, if this pattern continues, I will have to step away from the friendship. I don't want to be the unhappy giver, anymore.
I am 44 and waiting for the results of my ADHD assessment. My ADHD has always given me a lot of trouble socially and in school. I was well behaved and always got good grades because I am very smart. I often wonder "what if." My life now is good but I got the assessment because I know it can be better and I can get help. Jessica, watching your videos help me to understand myself and helped me realize I can get help. Thanks for doing what you do.
THANK YOU for this! My entire life I've been told that my problems don't matter because someone has it worse than me, and it's something I'm trying to un-learn as I try to trust people again (I lost a lot of friends over the pandemic, just before getting my ADHD diagnosis, so I'm working on building new, meaningful relationships).
My brother has bipolar disorder, which understandably took much more attention than any of my problems. I learned to internalize everything, nobody knew I was struggling with anxiety and, as I came to find out, ADHD, unless I outright told them. and even after complaining about my inability to focus to doctors for years I had to specifically reach out to a psychologist who would be willing to test me, and sure enough I had ADHD. I relate heavily to you feeling like your family’s needs matter more than yours, I’m glad neither of us are alone there ✨
"Being the adult in the room" - I resonate so much with that. I don't have an official ADHD diagnosis (yet), but after having my son I've come to realize I have to be my own advocate for what I need. I just started meeting with another therapist and as much as it has been helpful, I wouldn't be there if it hadn't been for me. Thank you for relating. ❤️
This video might be one of the best. It feels so wholistic. Amazing job communicating how specific adhd traits manifest as being passive. I’m literally struggling with that right now lol
I was diagnosed just a couple years ago; I’m in my 40s. Everyone else’s needs were (are) more important than mine because I have such a hard time defining what mine are, and at one point I even convinced myself that if someone had to be wrong, it might as well be me because it made everyone else happier to be right. Advocating for myself is so hard!!! I’m so grateful to not be alone in this struggle. Thank you Jessica!!
Relatable. Also in my 40s, and my mantra has always been "better to be happy than to be right!" and it has made for a pretty peaceful life in that I don't get into big arguments, and am very easy to get along with. If someone has a strong opinion or reaction to something (most things. There are few things I'm inflexible about) I'm fine to take the blame or go along with whatever they want. Why would it bother me which way the toilet paper goes, what colour the car should be, or even whose fault an accident or misunderstanding is? I usually do have a preference, but I'm fine with compromise or "taking one for the team." If my husband says "you told me that you didn't want a garden this year!" in response to me asking when he's going to fix the irrigation, and I told him no such thing, I'll just say "Oh, did I? I don't remember saying that. Well, I want one now." and he can go around thinking that I changed my mind if he wants to. It doesn't bother me, and it's better than arguing such a no-win "I remember it this way" point. However, it does wear on a person after a while. Turns out that if I'm NEVER "right", I'm not going to be happy either.
Sometimes it’s the giver walking away from a taker person. I had to set more boundaries and detach from those relationships that are incredibly draining. This video is so powerful in being able to communicate needs as a giver.
I found out that my ADHD is/was much more that my thoughts are hyperactive rather than my actions. I spiral easily and always feel like I have to do multiple things at once. I always wonder what school would have been like for me if I had someone who knew ADHD was more than just being energetic
Same. I wonder if i would have actually done better in school. Unlike her, i did get bad grades. But my parents, nor teachers didnt see or know that ADHD may have been the cause.
Same. I was a good student, most of the time, but was always considered a teacher's pet because my teachers knew I needed to move and often had me run errands for them.
Same. A lifetime of thinking I was flaky or spacy made me think something was wrong with me and I just needed to exert will power.
I can relate
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I was in the "gifted and talented" program in school so I flew under the radar for years. Everyone joked that I could put so much passion and energy into something I loved but could not get myself to do things I didn't want to. Everyone thought it was a quirk.
Now I'm 25 and struggle to feed myself
Relatable 💞 I hope we each find & receive the support we need. Idk about you but I’m so exhausted trying to do every damn thing myself because no one believes that I need help 😞
My daughter has a similar story. Incredibly bright, creative, ... and inattentive. Struggled in first years of college. I recognised her symptoms from these videos and she finally got tested. Sure enough ADHD. Hoping it makes a difference. I hope you have a support system and are getting the services you need. You are incredibly brave, and deserve success.
I was also in the G&T program, now I'm 43 and everyday life feels like a constant struggle, diet and chores are erratic, self care is non-existant... I should be evaluated, but I can't even get myself to, or afford, a primary physician...
women show differently and women are the most underdiagnosed population. its horrible
@@HomewardHiker thank you for supporting your daughter and believing her. I am for some reason trying to convince the people around me I am struggling. She is very lucky to have you.
At age 70, just diagnosed a month ago, I am blown away at hearing things I've said coming out of someone else's mouth: "my turn never came". I am now truly "the adult in the room". Thank you , thank you for work. It is helping more than you know.
I’m not diagnosed yet (waiting on appointments that I should have made years ago, hello executive disfunction) but at 56 I’m tired of trying to explain that I need certain accommodations without using the terms adhd and autism. Family gets it, but work is a different story.
I just got moved to a different department under very trying circumstances, and I flat told my new supervisor “You know my reputation, I’ll work my tail off for you and do my absolute best to surpass your expectations. I’ll also uncover problems with the systems we’re using and do my damndest to fix them for you or document them so you can get higher-ups to do something about them. But the reason I know I can do that is I have adhd and autism, so I have some limitations and need certain accommodations.” Then I told her what I need (mainly to take my breaks at assigned times and strict limitations on how much overtime I can do and when.)
It was frightening to put myself right out there that way, and I know it may have repercussions, but I’m tired of not saying straight out that these are not preferences, they are needs.
@@JHaven-lg7lj As a twenty something special needs person, i am somewhat terrified of entering the workforce, because I know i'll need accomodations, that a lot of people will see as not needs, but just laziness or preferences.
Good for you 🙂
@@JHaven-lg7lj I got my first office job in a non profit so I put my needs out there but I was terrified too because besides adhd I have epilepsy and have been fired from soo many jobs due to seizures so it was very scary but im thankful right now as my boss is on leave and without that official accommodations I don't know if I would feel comfortable expressing them. I'm scared of her boss.
I’m 56 and working on my diagnosis.
"I'm the adult in the room and don't need to wait for someone to acknowledge my needs."
What a change of perspective and power shift for me to hear that. Thank you!
As a typical male I quite enjoy being inside an adult in a room, even outside to be fair.
I feel this may be even more of an important statement to understand as we get treated like children quite often
ADHD, has caused me problems since childhood. I had to have a nervous breakdown to get it detected. I was told by the psychiatrist it was missed because I was well behaved, intelligent and driven, aged 41. I think ADHD is often stereotyped, stigmatised, misunderstood, there is a lack of awareness, training, it can be misdiagnosed as autism, anxiety, depression etc.
And then, further complicating getting an accurate diagnosis, is the fact that conditions such as autism, anxiety, and depression are very common co-morbidities of ADHD. It can even be fairly well argued that depression and anxiety are symptoms of both ADHD and ASD, whether individually or combined, especially the longer you go undiagnosed.
We should go bowling together.
I have autism and adhd and anxiety and maybe depression :(
@@DrAbadie I hope you get the apporpriate treatment, support. Good luck.
Had a very similar experience, was diagnosed in my 40s due to having to step away from work due to massive stress and reaching a breaking point where I was about to quit. Luckily the company I worked for was very supportive and I could take a paid leave to get help. I told them I was not coming back until I had started treatment, meaning therapy, medication and executive function training. It's been life changing and I look back and wish I had got started sooner. Very glad you got diagnosed and hope you are doing better.
I'm so glad you're talking about these things. I'm almost 24, a women and I just got diagnosed with adhd. I went to my doctor with a list of symptoms yesterday, incase I forgot things when I got there. He asked me what I was there for and I just started crying. I'm so tired of being dismissed from the people in my life just because my adhd doesn't look like most people think it should. He read my list and gave me tests for anxiety, depression and adhd. I'm so thankful somebody finally listened.
I was honestly thinking about making a list myself. Reading that you made one makes me realise, that I really should do it. If often sit in front of the doctors and forget everything I wanted to tell them. So thanks for motivating me! ♥ I hope you're in a better place now
@@oOBloodyAllyOo he put me on concerta and it took a few weeks to even out but I'm doing really great now. It changed my life. If you're struggling, go after the help you need:) !
@@extrapickles5427 I'm so happy you're doing better! ❤️ Thank you, it's in the making :)
I’m with you, I also just got diagnosed at 24! It took years for me to get properly diagnosed, also due to being in the “gifted child” category. I was told as a child I have chronic depression, and always knew this was not the case. Flash forward to college, again depression and anxiety diagnosis. Fast forward to having a breakdown at 22 and quitting my job, and after a diagnosis of gad, ocd, ptsd…. And then finally 6 months later after seeing a specialized psychologist for ADHD and Autism I finally got confirmed for ADHD (more on the inattentive side, but a combo), and GAD. It’s so relieving to finally understand myself.
I’ve made a list myself and i haven’t gotten there yet
Nobody believes I have ADHD because I can sit still and be quiet
Ugh I'm so sorry to hear that. There are still so many widespread misconceptions...
It’s like an on or off switch for me. Like i can be quiet while watching my brain show me dragons that breath party confetti and be content and quiet but hell if i also won’t tell you every lil detail if you ask.
I know how you feel I went to get an assessment and that's what I was told too. Now I'm determined to get a private assessment by an expert in ADHD. It's also likely I'm on the spectrum too (hoping to get tested for that too. I'm in my late 40's and there's so many struggles that are finally making sense. I've already been diagnosed with Dyslexia, but still so many parts of v my life that haven't made sense.
@@Loulizabeth Same here except early 40’s and no dyslexia.
@@Loulizabeth I'm in the same boat. Only discovered I have ADHD after going back to college. Fortunately, my self diagnosis was enough for my psychiatrist and therapist. I'm in the process of getting an ASD evaluation too.
"It can be hard after a lifetime of persuading ourselves we don't even have needs, to know what they even are"
Paraphrase from the 12:30ish mark --- wow!
I always learned that my needs just kind of... didn't matter. It wasn't my mom's fault, it was just a combination of a lot of different factors. I had three sisters and was always very independent, and so my mom was always trying to help them. (Also she had a really strong "Let's fix what's wrong" personality, instead of what I needed, such was a "sit and listen" personality. It takes me way too long to ask for help, even to this day.
LITERALLY SAME. Two younger siblings and a mom with a fix-it approach. It is so so hard to look beyond those experiences when they happened at such a formative age. I feel for you ❤️
@@becaboo-dv8dp weirdly enough, I was actually the YOUNGEST, but I was so annoyed by being babied that when I actually needed comfort no one knew what to do with me.
@@thescholarsjourney661 Ugh, I could totally see that being a huge frustration, especially for someone independent/self-sufficient. I definitely had the opposite of being expected to act like an adult way too early, but both are super harmful in different ways 😕
My mom has the fix it approach to me too, I don't want a solution, I want you to sit, listen and actually hear me! And I'm the middle child so I'm feeling some of those issues too!
Oh my god YES. I'm an only child, but for whatever reason my mother took the approach of often saying "oh it's x" or "well then do y." I don't need a solution or speculation, I need someone to listen to me. She still does this. I feel you. Asking for help is so difficult when I've been practically gaslit my whole life.
I’m 37, currently undiagnosed, and I have been disabled since childhood. My physical needs have always dominated my life. Having psychological needs on top of that made me feel selfish because I feel like I already had so much focus on me due to my disability and chronic pain. Channels like this one have made me really recognize how much of my life might change if those psychological needs are met.
Holy crud. That "the person you are trying to communicate with may not be able to meet your needs" thing hits so hard. I was even talking about this with my therapist a few weeks ago. It doesn't mean you don't love eachother or don't care, but humans survive with COMMUNITY. We don't give 100% of ourselves to one person. We have different people we can be whatever mix of ourselves we want/need to be in that moment.
Yes! This was a very helpful realisation I made only a few years ago too. :)
It's good to realise, but also sometimes makes asking for help more difficult. 'Will the energy I put into asking for help be worth it in this case?'
and as an "independent person"-with unmet needs because i can't find it in everyone around me-i try to be everything and everyone for my own self.
of course i fail.
THIS, i was literally just having a stress breakdown this week because I cant seem to find anyone interested in working out or Just Going On A Walk with me, I body double so much and get stressed when the people around me can't keep up with me or my interests etc.
“You have higher needs right now” was usually where my thoughts stopped. “And my needs are important, too” was such a powerful message from you (and your therapist), that I had to pause the video to let it sink in (and maybe cry a little).
It’s clear how difficult it was for you to talk about this. I am deeply grateful that you did it anyway.
I've been diagnosed with ADHD several times, and after finally getting a therapist and trying to address it, she's been trying to tell me that she doesn't think I have ADHD because "I don't look like I have it". All of the mental health specialists I've talked to have tried to instead diagnose me with bipolar disorder just because I'm a woman, and don't outwardly show how much I struggle. She thinks that I solely struggle in every aspect of my life (especially academically and socially) due to family-related trauma, when I've been doing so much research and learning about myself for the past four years just to understand and come to terms with having ADHD. I'm still struggling with the fact that I'm different from many people, and that I can't process information the same way a neurotypical person would. I don't know how to "discipline" myself, when none of the strategies that the people use around me work. None of the people around me will acknowledge that I'm struggling, and I don't know how to deal with it alone. It's incredibly stressful. Thank you for this video. It makes me really happy to see that you're taking care of yourself and seeking the support you need. I'll take it as inspiration and do something nice for myself today.
That really sounds like you need to fire that therapist and find a better one for you. If the therapist isn't willing to listen to what you're saying (or even believe the experts who diagnosed them) then they're not going to help you get to where you want to be.
I'm so sorry you have experienced so much dismissal from therapists. I am a therapist and recently realized I have ADHD after my coworker who specializes in adults with ADHD pointed it out to me. I just thought I was lazy. I recently read the book Your Brain Is Not Broken and it was so validating and described how my brain works perfectly! It is published by a Christian publishing company, but is not preachy in any way. I highly recommend it!
I’m a therapist and was just diagnosed at age 55! I’m so very sorry that your therapist is being dismissive and is not diagnosing you adequately, and even dismissing previous diagnosis. I would probably ask her why she’s so intent on having you be bi-polar, and what makes her so antagonistic toward ADHD. And if she can’t listen or engage with that, then yeah…maybe her a new therapist. That’s allowed! You deserve to find the right fit for you. If someone isn’t hearing you, then it won’t be safe to be vulnerable with them.
I hope you find the right fit for you. ❤️
I completely identify with what you are saying. I have do have bipolar disorder, but I also have ADHD. I've done hours of research and watched a carefully curated set of videos (including this channel) and I have finally gotten a better understanding of myself. I am trying to get an "official" diagnosis now that I understand why my brain is and always has been different. My mother feels it's 'just another thing', but my support family is very supportive (thank goodness) and are encouraging me to get a diagnosis. The first thing my psychiatrist asked me was if I was hyperactive as a child. At that moment I knew I was going to have to find a therapist who was more familiar with ADHD - which scares me, because she's otherwise a good psychiatrist.
oh, well, this was painfully relatable to the very last letter !
My mom didn't take my ADHD seriously when I first told her about the diagnosis. Finally, a few days ago a lot of the pressures led to a conversation with my mom telling her how I've struggled on my own throughout my middle and high school years and how my "bad habits" that she was always disappointed in are how my ADHD had manifested itself in my life. Before this talk I always felt like she didn't understand me and I always felt alone, but now after watching a few of your videos with her, I could show my mom that ADHD affects literally every aspect of my life and makes some things harder to do than others. I hope anyone out there with ADHD is able to find the support system they need
My brother was the typical hyper active adhd so everyone looked at him and was like yip he is adhd but for me I had inattentive adhd that went undiagnosed for 32 years. Everyone put it down to me being lazy, depressed, anxious, couldn't get it together and the meltdowns were "tantrums" and I was told to just grow up. When I was 32 my niece who is autistic and adhd moved to the same city as me and she mirrored my actions that I had as a child. I immediately did research and cause of this channel I went to get assessed and it came out I was adhd. Since going on meds my whole life has changed. I will never ever go one day without my medication. But with the mental clarity, alot of childhood things have come up that have caused trauma to me. I found out that my nail biting / hair pulling / skin picking was stimming to regulate and my outbursts and untidiness was emotion and executive disfunction. Information from sources like this channel has been so valuable and helpful. 🌸 Thank you for this insightful video.
My sister had big bad issues with ocd and adhd and I only just got diagnosed with inattentive adhd. Hoping to find a therapist and get meds soon.
I identify so much with everything you are saying. I don’t have a diagnosis yet, but I feel our childhood stories are so similar.
@@cospaws8810 good luck on your journey. That first week of meds is absolutely AMAZING! Stopping the negative thoughts in your head and the imposter syndrome alone has been absolutely beautiful 💕
Oh hon. I'm so sorry that your valid needs weren't met. I'm glad you figured it out. ❤️
but may I know what the real treatment is for this? Even if one gets diagnosed or not one knows one is in trouble, but the tough part is finding treatment/therapy/support/community that you know really works. I've read about electrically shorting out brain circuits. any of you can chime in?
I recently got diagnosed at 23. I don't feel comfortable telling people I have ADHD because I think they wouldn't believe me. I think I have internalized a lot of the stereotypes about ADHD too, so I feel like an imposter even with my diagnosis. For example I used to have really good grades in school. As a kid, I often hyperfocused on homework! So that only worked for my benefit and since I didn't bring any trouble, no one suspected anything. Only after starting to live by myself and having gone through major depression and anxiety, was I able to go to therapy where my therapist saw the signs. I am in a much better place now, though still struggling and I can finally start dreaming of my future again. I want to continue studying and have a nice happy home with my cat :)
I'm always amazed when someone can actually figure out WHAT they are feeling. That's really hard for me most of the time. Oh, except "overwhelmed." I have lots of practice with that feeling.
have you heard the term *alexithymia* ? it translates to "not having words for your emotions" (though people mistakenly use it to mean _not knowing how you feel_ )
@@MorganBondelid No, I haven't. Maybe I should look into that... 🤔
@@MorganBondelid I did some research and I don't think I have that, but thank you for the suggestion of what it could be. It was interesting to learn about it. I think it may be more about the difficulty I have calming the constant thoughts (hyperactivity) in my mind enough to be able to pay attention to my feelings and just give them time and space to... be. There was also childhood trauma which propelled me into survival mode for many years, and when you're in that mode, emotions take a backseat to just trying to get physical needs like hunger met, so I kind of learned to keep them there I guess. I always portrayed that I was "fine" and strong on the outside, so I guess I got used to "masking" as I learned it's called. I'm used to keeping my head down and just working, working, working, so when I stop long enough to try to think of what I'm feeling it's like, I don't know, I haven't been paying attention... and also, how DO you pay attention?? 🤔
Another thing I've noticed I do, is that when I actually do know what I'm feeling, I assume I'm the last one to figure it out... to put a label on it like "angry" for example... so I figure everyone else should know how I feel inside without me verbalizing it. Well, that's not fair to them. I have to get better about saying how I feel, too, which is risky.
@@SweetStuffOnMonarchLane I relate so much 💪💞🫂
@@MorganBondelid Awe, thanks.😊 ❤️ 💪 🫂
I grew up with a brother who had autism. As someone who had ADHD and also did very well in school, I don't think I've ever heard anyone else describe their childhood as being almost exactly what I also went through. Thank you for speaking about an experience that I didn't know if anyone else could relate to and making it feel and sound valid.
Thanks for sharing. My brother was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, O.D.D., etc and I often felt like people would pay attention to what’s they thought was best for him but not pay attention to my needs, so thanks for sharing your story because it’s refreshing to know there’s people with almost the same experiences.
Btw I love your profile picture
@@aqualyons8168 I'm glad that I could make you feel validated. It's hard to be the sibling who also needs help but doesn't get it. It's also hard to be the "normal" sibling too.
Thanks for the compliment on my icon.
I have two sisters with autism. During middle school, my mom got diagnosed with kidney failure. It made me grow up faster and being undiagnosed at the time probably did not help with my emotions.
I struggled with ADD my whole life, I recently got diagnosed this year. You were one of the first youtubers I watched. I honestly wanna say thank you for clearing a lot of things up for me!
You're welcome! And thank you so much for taking the time to comment. It means the world
adhd*
this
@@poetz123 No reason to be pedantic. It's had many names over the years, none of which are particularly good at describing the condition, including the current one
Amen. I also struggle with ADD. I can barely work or keep a job long term. I might get fired from my job. Also I noticed I always have to have a video or something playing in the background when I game. My brain is weird lol
Thank you for making this video because I think you're going to help a lot of people with it. I just started to feel heard by learning much of what you said in this video just about a week or two ago because I got diagnosed with ADHD. I always thought I had it but I never wanted to get diagnosed because I felt like it communicated that people needed special treatment to succeed when I just needed the space to be authentically listened too. Expectations took away that authenticity. I also wanted to say that I feel like I believe that these lessons can be just as helpful to people without ADHD too and that it shouldn't be implemented or viewed as special treatment. I never thought there was anything wrong with me and I just felt like I couldn't communicate that without compromising on my beliefs. Anyway, thanks for reading this if you do, the things you've taught me on your channel are some of my most cherished. As a viewer, I trust that you know what's right and that you trust others to communicate to you when they disagree. Keep doing what you thinks best, it makes what you do here authentic and effective :)
Awwwww, thank you so much! That means so much to hear and I'm so glad you could feel heard. 🧡 But also thank YOU so much for not just watching the content but choosing to support us like this as well. It really means a lot and it will definitely help us to continue making these videos. 😊
i am currently in the testing off ADHD and ever since i watched you i felt "home" you make me feel welcomed and normal instead of what every one else says
Amen
godisallaroundus
I have a son with a rare form of epilepsy known as Lennox Gastaut Syndrome and he has special needs. I myself have anxiety, bipolar disorder and adhd and I’m a single mom of 3…I had to learn that eventhough my kids needed so much from me, I also have to protect my own mental health. Caregiver burnout is real and as hard as it is to ask for help. I’ve hit a point in my life where I need to accept help and find my own little village to help me raise my kids. It doesn’t make me a failure, a bad mom, or a lazy person. It makes me a responsible and happier person which makes me a better mom! ❤
It's really hard flying under the radar when a sibling or family member is presenting visible and/or otherwise chronic illnesses. I identify so much with this, and trying to learn that it's ok to have needs and to admit that it can be heck trying to live around the bigger need, both.
Thank you as always!
“I believe you have a greater need right now AND I don’t want to neglect mine” is life changing to me right now. Thank you for doing what you do ❤
Me too! Haven’t used it yet but I think it will help sooo much
SO powerful!
I was diagnosed at 22 and nobody in my life thought I would've had ADHD. I have combined so I'm always restless but never hyper, and I'm absurdly good at test taking so I got good grades. Whenever I tell someone I have ADHD I'm always surprised at how many myths about it people actually believe. If I had gotten treatment or structure growing up, I think I would've been a happier adult. I've always felt like I haven't lived up to my potential because I didn't know I had these issues until later in life.
Luckily I'm on a better path now at 27 and finally making life changes to make my mental health better. Can't dwell on the past, can only make the future better!
'good at test taking' - tell me about it! Used to go the whole year taking ages to get any small piece of work done and then ace my exams because suddenly could focus under the exam pressure.
i felt like i just read a paragraph about myself. it’s uncanny. i got diagnosed last year at 22 and at 23 i’m still learning to recognize and be more aware of my adhd symptoms. but after years of writing them off as “bad character flaws” it’s been tough. reading these shared experiences in the comments is quite uplifting so thank you for sharing your truth 💛
Ocd
@@romabordawekar899 Glad to hear you don't feel alone anymore 😊 and don't be afraid of the stigma behind medications. They really help me but it's not for everyone. Finding a therapist who specializes in adhd is nice too
I got diagnosed at 18 or 19 and literally everyone said, "you can't have a.d.d. -- you can sit and read a book for hours!" I didn't bounce off walls and i could sit still and read, so everyone thought i was misdiagnosed. (This was 1993 of 1994 but people still don't know much and usually just think it's an excuse, or that it's made up or over diagnosed or can be fixed with diet...
For me this has come exactly at the right time. I was in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD, and last time the clinician was quite dismissive about my struggles, saying it did not seem to impact me a lot. I stood up for me today, with a pre-written letter that I read aloud about why it does impact my life and I wish for and deserve help. I got my prescription in the end, and tomorrow will be the first day on medication ... I am so excited and hopeful!
i’m glad you were able to get diagnosed, and it sucks that people dismiss our problems just because we “seem normal” when we’re actually struggling
Well done, good for you!! 👏
@@sylokthedefiled Exactly. I keep forgetting to inform them how much of a struggle "seeming normal" is for me, and how it doesn't come naturally. I mean, I know a lot of people still wouldn't understand but I wish I stood up a bit more for myself in the past.
I only got diagnosed this year, and also got told when I was like 4 and my brother got diagnosed that I couldn't have ADHD because as someone AFAB and already able to read fluently at 4 to 5 years old, learning to write and do math so quickly, basically it also was a "they're too smart to have ADHD". So it took 14 more years of being told I have so much potential, why am I not doing what needs to be done, why can't I grow up finally, why am I so emotional, and so on, until I finally got diagnosed.
And even then, my mum still says things like "why can't you just do x", "Why do you forget everything" etc etc. It hurts so much and she is always so sure she is supporting me and that I have ADHD and shuts me down when I explain my symptoms and how ADHD affects me with a "I already know everything about it because I did research when your father got diagnosed". But obviously, she doesn't.
Reminds me of that phrase "You don't bully someone for having ADHD/being autistic. You bully them because they are different from you."
And now there is also a high chance that I may be autistic as well, and I am too scared to tell anyone, even my ADHD-specialist, because what if I am not taken seriously - again?
I am still not officially diagnosed, because I didn't figure out what I had until I tripped over this youtube channel this year. Since I have celebrated my 29th birthday many years running now, I fully understand how that can feel. If you have symptoms that are unexplained by ADHD, by all means, tell your specialist. I, too, was one of the gifted ones who couldn't possibly have any issues, but was just lazy and unfocused. I've been getting by on the fact that I am bright, and can do great work when I absolutely must, but not one second before. Not great. Don't let fear that others won't support you stop you from asking for help. If you don't try, it can't get better.
I’m so sorry you have had such a tough time. Please continue to advocate for yourself and seek out the help you need. We all deserve to live our best lives and to get the support we need.
Pretty much the same, except at 45 I still haven't been diagnosed and it's a part of why I'm on my third bout of homelessness.
@@custosnox I only had one of those. 1/10, would not recommend. Where are you, generally?
People can hurt a lot, but try not to take it personaly... No human is normal, nobody is perfect... It can be hard for people to understand or believe us, but in the end, what really matters is YOU.
Same same same! When my doctor tested me she said my testing showed that my brain is so hyper that it would most definitely affect attention and it's spot on. One of my biggest struggle in school was reading words on a page and not being able to absorb what I just read and sometimes it would take times reading the same thing or reading it out loud to be able to comprehend and remember what I just read. I always got good grades and didn't realize that alot of my anxiety was actually adhd!
Oh, I definitely have a "flying under the radar" story. I was someone who was well on his way to becoming a physician, but fell off of the track 10 years ago when I finally had trouble in residency. It wasn't until maybe a year ago when videos like Jessica's helped me realize that recontextualizing my whole life through the lens of ADHD made a bit too much sense.
I remember growing up having difficulties with reading comprehension and organization up through high school, but college was ironically easier since I essentially found a way to abuse what I later realized was hyperfocus at the time by getting into the rhythm of the all-nighter adrenaline rush before every test and most projects. And in med school, the "flying under the radar" unique to me was how there's a bit of an inside joke that every med student thinks that they have a little bit of everything. So when I got to the subject of ADHD, I just thought, "yeah, this sounds like me too," shrugged, and moved on.
Being diagnosed ADHD/Gifted and as a girl, but without intervention, meant that I wasted far too much energy with basic self control, instead of also using potential. Sometimes no one is to blame, life just happens. But people like you make a BIG impact in send growth, THANKS!!! ❤️🙏💞
I’m 25 years old and I recently found out that I have ADHD, I have living all my life with this and your videos have helping me a lot to comprehend more about ADHD and my situation. 😊
Same, except I'm 44. Here's to finally being on the radar. Lol
Same! *Hi five*
If you find yourself with some time, I recommend picking up What Does Everybody Else Know That I Don't?, By Michele Novotni, PhD and Randy Petersen. It's a really great primer for seeing how growing up with ADHD changed your experiences and the lessons you learned.
Same, 33 here. Better late than never, I suppose.
Ocd
I'm right there with you with the "my turn never comes around." I'd love to see that video on "how to get your needs met when others have greater needs." In recent years I've gradually gotten better at advocating for myself, but I still struggle with the rejection sensitivity, which makes boundaries hard.
I do have a small number of friends that are excellent at being supportive for different types of "emotional needs/struggles." And I cherish them.
I recently saw a psych to be diagnosed for ADHD and Autism. Ended up with an Autism stage 1 diagnosis, but negative for ADHD. My psych specifically said that she did not believe I had ADHD because 1) I had not been diagnosed as a child, 2) I did well in school, and 3) I am co-morbid with MDD and GAD and the symptoms I saw as ADHD could be attributed to those. Really messed with me for a awhile, especially bc my therapist was pretty sure I did have ADHD
Ooof, yeah, the world of diagnosing is very... inconsistent. Would it be possible to get a second opinion? Or to ask for a specialist?
Using not being diagnosed as a child as a reason you can't be diagnosed at all is so silly. There are so many reasons you might not have been diagnosed, including parents and teachers who failed you by not caring enough or having stigma against mental health diagnoses. I feel like this psych is a bit shallow sighted and would look to get a second opinion from someone else if possible
That's what second opinions are for, definitely seek one out. Your therapist should hopefully be able to share enough information with them that you won't need to start from scratch explaining your symptoms.
I really don't like this "you weren't diagnosed as a child" thing... for that you need people who actually recognize that something is not right and also ask for an assessment. If that never happend for whatever reason, it still doesn't mean that there were no signs :( I only got assessed first a few months ago (close to my 40th birthday) and my therapist interviewed my mom about my childhood and she never thought anything was "wrong" with me, but whatever she told him about my "normal" behaviour, made him diagnose me as a child with clear ADHD....
Sorry, but that is not true. From personal experience. I got to PhD before I got diagnosed. Though writing my thesis took many-many years. But man, academic success is not everything. ADHD messed with so many other aspects of my life.
I know you may not see every individual comment, but I’m commenting anyway just in case because your channel always helps me feel seen. I also almost always end up sending your videos to my mom as generational trauma is very real and affects us both in the ways you so well describe. Thank you for the work you do ❤️
I see a lot 😊 even if I can’t always respond. Thank you so much, this means a lot.
Literally crying by the end of this video, feeling seen and understood. Thank you so much for your open and honest vulnerability and for sharing this content with us.
Your words are exactly what I needed to hear. I have complex PTSD from childhood abuse and neglect, and I follow you because most of my symptoms are indistinguishable from ADHD. How freeing, to hear that my needs are important. Thank you.
Wow this sounds a lot like me
Same, developed CPTSD from childhood abuse and neglect, and learned that a LOT of it was due to my neurotypical family's extreme ableism, stigmatisation, and lack of awareness or attention to get me diagnosed as a kid that lead to their abuse. ADHDers (especially as kids) are so much more vulnerable to abuse simply because ableistic neurotypicals end up abusing and mistreating neurodivergent people.
I feel this message way too much.
I was very typical inattentive ADHD as a child and it went completely unaddressed. Because I am above-average IQ, teachers would say "he's smart, he's just bored" which was true, but there was more to it.
Due to family dynamics and relocating often, it became clear that my well-being was my responsibility. Others well-being was also my responsibility. When I received positive reinforcement it was typically for how quiet / patient I was. I was putting myself off for others and congratulated for it. That went deep into my thought process. It was also clear that others did not have the bandwidth or level of understanding to help if I did reach out..so I was my counselor.
Being diagnosed this year, at 38yrs old, the level of processing my entire life's worth of being misunderstood (within and without) has been overwhelming. Processing concepts like "it's okay to ask for help" is a lot. Between your videos and others, I'm feeling my way down darkened hallways and starting to understand my brain a little at a time.
Thank you for tackling the hard topics 🧠 🙏🏻
My story is so similar, the unravelling and processing over the last year since being diagnosed at 38 has been intense.
But how awesome to finally get a peek behind the curtain of who we truly are, and discover our very valid needs.
This channel has been so affirming for me too 💜
I had the similar experiences growing up and at 32 am still not undiagnosed because I’m “too old” to have ADHD. It feels so defeating and demoralizing to try and finally get help for myself and be repeatedly rejected. So thank you for sharing; it’s very validating and gives me hope.
My needs were not being met for 33 years. I learned to help myself with what I could, and let go of some things that I couldn't handle. Everyone in my life just thought I was a lazy underachiever who had memory issues, and emotional outbursts. So glad my son got diagnosed, which led me to educate myself, which led me to my own diagnosis. My needs are being met and understood to a much higher degree now.
I'm just sitting folding my laundry trying not to cry cause it's been so long since I had my needs met and I just got abandoned by a partner who I worked so hard to give to and she just.. didn't have it in her to give back :/ Thank you for making clear, kind, thoughtful and well informed videos. They feel like a light left on to help a body find their way home
That is such a perfect metaphor, my heart lifts to hear "Hello Brains".....I just can't help smiling 🙂 I hope you can heal your heart and find your ways in the corridors, you deserve it 👍
"The person I'm trying to get my needs met from... is not the right fit for meeting those needs." Brilliant insight. I think it's easy to think that we have a right to have our needs met and expect that of the people who care about us, but sometimes those people aren't able or competent to provide the support we need (and sometimes we aren't able or competent to meet certain needs of others!)
I just got diagnosed yesterday at 32. Your videos were invaluable to me in understanding that I wasn't alone and I wasn't just a broken person. I have tried my whole life to put my thinking in terms that people would understand and I just never felt like anyone believed me. I was the youngest of 3 children and "flying under the radar" was exactly who I was my whole life, even though everyone told me how gifted of a musician I was. My older brothers always got more care and attention and my coping mechanism for so long was to not bother anyone with my struggles because no one seemed to care or get it. Your Ted talk moved me to tears and gave me hope for the first time in my life. While it hurts to know the struggles I had to endure could have been prevented, it is amazing to know that it actually does get better. That I don't need addictions or vices to help me function. I could go on forever, really. I start stimulants next week and while I have been grieving the person that I never got to become, I am actually excited to see how my life can change in a positive way. Your videos and your experience made that possible for me. I don't know if I could ever adequately thank you. You gave me purpose when I had reached my limit. I thought death was the only way out. Thank you for showing me the light at the end of the tunnel. You saved my life and my marriage.
I relate so much that I really wanna share music with you! Did you write anything? I would really love to hear it if you did!
That first minute described my experience pretty well. Doing well in school is not always a good indicator that one does *not* have ADHD. In fact, as a person diagnosed with ADHD late in life who has completed college and done graduate work, I see ways in which my native ability to learn easily compensated for the things that were holding me back from doing even better in school. I was often a good student in grade school, college, and even grad school, but not always the best, because I seldomly had the patience and attention to do much more than what came easily to me unless there was a substantial external motivation or deadline to perform. It's probably a big reason why I never got diagnosed until just recently. I see now, however, ways in which this held me back that I previously attributed solely to laziness or lack of commitment on my part. This especially came to the fore in my first stint in grad school (two amd a half years of good grades, but never completed the thesis to get the degree) and technical education (lots of classes completed, but no certification exams taken to show for it).
Thank you. I've been "shelving" my stuff to take care of my husband and kids(all have some sort of neurodiversity, I might as well), and when my husband started going to therapy, I could finally start taking my stuff off the shelves and discussing it. It felt so nice and relieving to have a conversation about my stuff, and have it stay focused on my stuff instead of it derailing to his stuff.
Thank you. I needed this today 🧸 I was diagnosed last week, at the age of 50, partly because watching your videos gave me the courage to seek a diagnosis. I was pretty excited, because things finally made sense. When I told my family today, I was ridiculed. Trying to not fall apart 🥺
Hopefully you have found love and support you need.
I cannot tell you how much I want to cry right now. This is something I’ve needed to hear my whole life. Infrequently believe wholeheartedly that I’m adaptable and don’t have any needs. I have so much to reframe. 😭😭😭 thank you so much for this
I had a friend once who was a taker. He kept on asking for more and more, and when I refuse to give my help he got really upset and would constantly ask me to give him help. I always got annoyed and felt bad and so I helped him out. The thing that I never really noticed just before not being friends with him anymore, is that he wouldn’t really help me with my problems or wouldn’t support me. Most of my ex-friends didn’t. It really affected my social media presence and who I could trust for more than half a year. But thanks to you, I am trying to move on and deal with this. Thank you so much!
One of my siblings is a chronic taker, and not only that, demands that we address any emotional discomfort she might experience. She often gets fixated on some nitpicky thing that we may or may not have to power to even attempt for her, and then, she tries to argue and bully us into feeling shame about it. Or even if we attempt to help her, she refuses to be satisfied. It's like our theoretical shame is her satisfaction. What baloney!
It's especially wearing and infuriating, because these demands are about either imaginary things or about things that no one should have to fix for another person. If she has ever tried to "help" me, I usually end up being expected to take care of her.
I resonated with about 99.99% of this. Thanks for sharing, I really needed to hear it.
This lines up a lot with what's being chipped away at in my current therapy sessions. I'm realizing that I'm both uncomfortable acknowledging/ stating my needs, and that I've learned to ignore them so well as a means to keep the peace that I often feel oblivious to them and struggle to even know what I need now that I'm no longer in those old situations.
Hey Jess (and team!), I wanted to thank you for making these videos and your channel in general. I was diagnosed with ADHD just yesterday (I'm 26), all thanks to your videos. It turns-out I never actually knew what ADHD was, and after seeing what the day-to-day life of someone with ADHD might look like in your videos (and realizing it pretty much perfectly matched my experience), I decided to seek diagnosis, which I now have. After struggling in school all my life, dropping out of uni twice, and just barely managing to hold-on the third time into a third year (albeit with the worst grades you'd ever seen), I now finally feel like I have a chance of actually getting my degree in mechanical engineering. Going undiagnosed for so long has unfortunately done a number on me and my mental health like you've described in your videos before, including daily suicidal thought since I was 13. But now that I have a diagnosis and finally feel like my entire life makes sense, I'm looking forward to a 'new' start (with the help of medication). So, again, thank you for all you do. I think I'm not exaggerating when I say that your videos are a literal life-changer and, in some cases, life-saver as well. Keep up the good work and I can't wait to read your book.
I struggled with ADHD my whole life. I just never knew my thoughts are on warp drive not my actions. That makes a lot more sense.
I found your channel a couple weeks ago after my partner told me *her* therapist diagnosed *me* with ADHD based on a lot of the behaviors I exhibit. I laughed at first, but the more I've researched it, the more validating a lot of it has become. This video particularly clarified my lived experience. When I was a kid, my younger sister had a lot more severe learning disabilities and neurological challenges that required a lot of attention from my parents. So when I started having challenges that were smaller in comparison, my parents didn't acknowledge them and instead criticized me. They would say that I was so gifted, why can't I just do my homework? I could lock into video games for hours on end, why can't I pay attention in class? I could read a full multi-hundred page book in two days, why couldn't I read the assigned books from school? And behavioral issues? A great way to get slapped, hit, or thrown into walls and furniture.
Now, 29, I realized that I internalized assertions I was lazy and ungrateful because my sister had it so much worse than me. I actually believed false narratives about how time blindness was a choice or ADHD was a sign of poor parenting. But having met people with severe ADHD in my life, and coming to terms with the fact that I almost certainly have it myself, I realize that even if I *don't* have ADHD (I'm gonna need an official diagnosis to see if it's not something else entirely), my challenges still have merit and we all need to be more communicative about our needs. So even if I'm a brain, a heart, or both... your channel is super helpful for people and I appreciate you affirming a lot of the experiences we all face!
Geez. You're parents physically abused you as punishment for your less strong but just as important ADHD. That has to be hard to come to terms with.
You matter. You're issues matter. I hope you get the help you need one day.
@@GreenGorgeousness yeah, had an epiphany about that but I have already kind of processed the abuse so thankfully that wasn't so bad. Kind of just clarified for me that my parents were more negligent than I already knew they were. I don't really have the energy for resentment toward them though.
Thanks for the encouragement.
My brother had a more severe form. I didn't know I had ADHD until I had kids and researched it. It made so much sense. Terms like Spacey Stacy and oh just show her something shiny and always being late or disorganized and the fact that being a mom and doing home maintenance tasks were so dang hard for me and why I was always so emotional and sensitive made sense. The more I educate myself the more I understand. You Jessica have been such a huge impact on my education journey. I thank God that there is you tube. Because reading books is something I struggle with. So thank you for breaking down these topics in simple clear ways of understanding how and why we tick and strategies that may be helpful and the fact that having to shift to a different strategy when it doesn't work is okay and actually needed. Thanks. Truely.
Whilst I haven't been diagnosed with adhd yet, your videos have helped me understand so much of myself that has never made sense before
Its Amazing to listen to people who talk about ADHD and they dont actually have ADHD. So many "Almost's" or swings and misses even by professionals who think they know ADHD. Then when someone with ADHD Talks about ADHD,and Dealing with it their whole life... So many times I have to rewind and see if I heard correctly the things that hit home and that I too have struggled with are actually being said.
Your videos are always helpful, but this one is potentially one of the most helpful videos I've ever watched. I feel like this put a lot into perspective for me. I have the same problem and learned as a child that my needs aren't as important as others, and this video helped me realize I think this is why I've been feeling so burnt out with a lot of relationships in my life. Thank you so much for your videos!
This is the most relatable video I've seen on TH-cam.
I remember back in primary school asking to see the teacher aides for extra help during class, but was told I didn't need it. After that, I never asked for help again.
Over the next 15 years, I never put myself first, I always put the needs of my family first (father and brother in and out of depression states, and mother having a heart attack). I'd put university on hold numerous times over 10yrs to 'be there' and be the rock of the family. I'd see my family GP a few times over the years regarding my own health and would be told that I'm just feeling a bit down and just go cheer myself up. I didn't bother going back to ask about my mental health again (I'd become quite proficient at my own mental strength by this point). Fast forward to 30yrs old - working in my career as an Exercise Physiologist specialising in Neurological Rehabilitation and Disability, predominantly working with Autism, married with a 6 month old son. I go to a GP and say "Hey, in my eyes, I've got a house, wife, son and rewarding career that I don't need to be motivated to do - I should be happy, but aren't I?" She sent me to a psychologist to discuss CBT, and after 2 sessions he saw that I had Autism and ADHD. He asked me to pretty much recount my past and he said you've missed a diagnosis - not a commonly known thing 30yrs ago, so no one's going to check it.
I had this internal struggle which I thought was normal, and my masking had become so 'normal' for me that I couldn't tell who the real me was. I'd always justify why I shouldn't be feeling the way I did in situations, that I couldn't even properly identify my own emotions. He said that ASD and ADHD can get exposed when severe levels of depression and anxiety hit, particular when your energy (that you would normally use to mask) is required elsewhere - maintaining a house, relationship, newborn and job.
Skip to today, I have been trying to 'put down the mask' and let my mind and body do what it feels, and it has been amazing. The only downside - my day to day activities have become structured chaos 🤣 especially being on Christmas holidays. He is looking to get me officially assessed and explore medication in future.
I see a lot of ASD and ADHD in children (particularly LVL 2&3) and work very well with them. But adult life is unfamiliar territory for me.
Your videos have been the best discovery on here.
Love your work ❤️
Jessica you are speaking straight to my heart. Thank you for your vulnerability.
I was diagnosed in my 30s after talking with friends who were already diagnosed. I think my biggest Grrr moment was talking to my Mom and having her say “yeah, I was pretty sure you had ADHD even as a kid.” I can understand not wanting to make the choice to put your kid on a controlled substance, but she never once told me about it when I became an adult until I brought it up. I was gifted too, did well in school too. My issue is mental hyperactivity, which manifested for me as emotional regulation issues. I still struggle with that and it’s hurt my relationship with my Mom
Diagnosed last year at 48 - your channel has been an invaluable reference and learning tool for me. Yet another video that helps me to relate to things in my life, past and present. Great stuff!
As a 15 Year Old, who recently Got diagnosed, i find these videos so inspired and hopeful, that i Can someday grow and not struggle so much. I love your videos and you’re so cool and strong. You’re really helping me understand myself. I hope you read this. Thank you so much for all you do.😊❤️☺️
Thank you for sharing. I really resonated with your story and explanation. I’ve been the “giver” my whole life partially stemming from others needs, ignoring my own needs, but also the idea that “if I don’t do this, no one else will.” I think that really affected the way I navigate through all kinds of relationships with others. When you’re shown that you don’t matter, you really start to feel like and manifest it in the way you approach others.
There are so many valuable insights in this episode. There were at least 5 times that I thought, “This could be an entire episode on just this.” As always, thank you for your time and courage. ❤
my dad ruled out adhd because he never saw me running around or being very active when sitting still but the hyperactive part of me was in my head i run around in my mind and apparently this also wasnt something that any test in school came up with and my dad was really upset that they never caught that.
When I was four and already reading fluently, my brother was diagnosed as dyslexic. He got support and consideration, I was supposed to not "brag" about my reading skills and no one explained why. His needs were more important than mine. When I was ten, I tried teaching myself to play the piano in the basement using an old beginner's piano book. My brothers, watching TV upstairs, stomped on the floor to make me stop. When I complained to my mother, she told me I should be considerate and not play piano when they were watching TV. Their wants were more important than mine. In Jr. High, my oldest brother had a part in a musical play and practiced his singing part at night in the room next to mine while I was trying to sleep. I complained to my mom, and she said that he needed to practice. His needs were more important than mine. And so on and so on and so on. This video hit hard. Everyone's needs were more important than mine when I was growing up. My job was to be small and quiet and not be inconvenient.
I relate to this SO much!! I made my needs so small when I was a kid. Growing up, my family was either too wrapped up in their own issues or they were focused on my little sister's bigger needs. It took me till I was 28, struggling with addiction and in a terrible relationship to get help. It's 8 years later and I have the tools I need to cope with most of my issues (bipolar and dyslexia). I still need to get tested for ADHD.
I'm 33 and just realizing I've had undiagnosed ADHD my entire life thanks to tik tok. Learning about ADHD has made a lot of sense of what things I do to cope with it and help me understand my fiancé and both of our struggles with ADHD and each others ADHD. I'm not sure what lead me to your channel, but I really enjoy it. I always associated ADHD as hype active and constantly doing things and I struggle to do simple tasks. It's fascinating to learn why I am like I am and not constantly wondering why I'm not "normal". I am "Normal" just in a different way.
Thank you. What you do absolutely matters.
At 42, while helping someone else do research, I realized I might have been misdiagnosed as a child, and again in early adulthood. Because of your content I felt confident asking to be tested. I have to wait several months, but that is ok. My provider offered some options and support that is available until I have an official diagnosis.
I can relate to your experience. I’m sorry that happened to you. It took me a very long time to acknowledge my own needs and to make steps to meet those. It is a kind of trauma I believe. Good on you for talking about this!! ❤
Thank you for these videos. It took me long time to acknowledge my own needs. My friends still have some issues to really understand that I don't take my own time just because I don't like to hang out, but because I really need it.
oh my god, I have always felt the same and dejected about my needs, I still do it and be the strongest person and feel like my needs don't matter. I was brilliant in my studies and popular in school but there's a lot of trauma that I need unwinding, you really help me relate and soothe.
Your story sounds a lot like mine. My brother was diagnosed with ASD when I was 9 (he was 11), and so much attention was spent acclimating to his needs, mine were a little laid by the wayside. I was considered the ‘easy’ child, because of this, and placed a lot of pressure on myself to make my family’s life easier by not telling them when I was struggling. I’m now 22, and was diagnosed with ADHD a couple months ago.
My family, especially my mum and brother, seem to be having a hard time understanding me and my needs now, because I finally feel like I have the voice to speak up about them. A constant refrain in my house is ‘you never used to be like this’. Don’t get me wrong, they both support me (and so does my dad, but he also thinks he has ADHD, so it’s easier for him), but I completely understand why your advice is to bring both people’s needs to the table, as it can be really harmful to the person not speaking up.
Love your videos, Jess, they really helped me understand myself better
Are we the same person? Cause this mirrors my experience so much. I’m 21 and currently in the progress of getting diagnosed since I’ve finally started to become aware of my needs (mostly thanks to this channel-Thanks Jess!) But I have a very similar experience my younger sister was diagnosed with ASD when in elementary school and I had a similar experience growing up, and even now when I’m discussing the possibility of adhd with my parents.
3:51 THANK YOU! Yes, I needed to know this, because I've also been doing this my WHOLE LIFE. Having that language, and knowing you can express the need to have your needs met and not ignored, is truly mind-blowing. And it's so simple! But life-changing..
I LOVE seeing how your content has evolved as you have evolved over the years, and as you have put so much work into trauma therapy and healing. Thank you so much for sharing what you’ve learned
Thank you so much for being vulnerable. I love people who express with authenticity. Suspected ADHD here, almost 50 (OMG!) and so hard to think my needs matter. Thank you!
This rings so true, thank you for sharing ❤
Having only recently been diagnosed I'm still processing that growing with this kind of pattern and not acknowledging my needs has created such imbalance in my relationships.
I have rarely related to a video as much as I have to this one, you just about had me in tears, thank-you 😥
Awwwwww, you're welcome, you definitely have a whole community here with many people who feel similarly. 🧡 And alsso thank you so much for the support, it means a lot to us. 🧡
When I first realised my own neurodivergentness last halloween, your videos were very so to me to better understand what I was going through without having a diagnosis. I got diagnosed with combined ADHD on Friday:))) Thank you so for putting the information out there so well presented and easily accessable:)
This was so good. I recently was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult because of similar circumstances. It was because of trauma therapy that I realized I can get a diagnosis myself. And I did. And it was to totally there. It doesn’t feel like a monster with out a face anymore. I know the name and I now know what to do next. This combination of therapy plus a diagnosis is life changing. I know it was for me. Thanks for this video. So many people need to hear this. I know I did. Thank you!
I'm a 37 y.o guy from Brazil and my mother used to be a nurse. Back when I was a kid ('87-'92), there was a bit of a push back related to "overdiagnosing ADHD" (at least around these parts), and through a home diagnosis test my mom decided that "well, if he has ADHD then everyone in the family also does" (probably due to lack of understanding of the test results and how to actually read them). Now, 30 something years later... it makes sense that "everyone in the family may also have ADHD" given it is actually hereditary... >.>
I was the brilliant kid but lazy, the annoying, a big disappointment that was not going to get far. So far I haven't gone that far but I am on my damn way.
I need to watch this one over again! I really struggle with getting my needs met and am too ready to meet everyone else's needs. I even need to identify what my needs are. So I'm going to dive into some of the resources when they appear.
Thank you so much, Jessica. You are one of my very favourite TH-camrs.
Thank you, Jessica. This.
My brother has dyslexia, and it was tough for him. He got support but still struggled, even to this day. My ADHD and autism (still waiting for assessments, but I am sure now) got through undetected, because I had good grades in elementary school, and did ok beyond that.
Then my mom had cancer, and she passed when I was 18. And my father had a career. So I had to drone on, right? And to be fair, my parents’ generation knew this approach, they were kids during the war.
Couldn’t focus on finishing my diploma though, and that’s when I crashed. Still undiagnosed, undetected. A GP, a neurologist and a psychiatrist couldn’t find anything. Now that was 30 years ago though, mind you.
Sorry, I had to blurt this out after watching your video for 2 minutes. 😅 I will watch the rest now. 😊
Thanks again. ❤️
I was never given any thought or compassion growing up when trying to express my struggles.. pushed myself way beyond the edge and ended up with severe CFS for 12 years. This year I got my ADHD diagnosis and am now trying to find the right medication, which is overwhelming and scary. Am 28 now
Every one of your videos has me in tears because I relate so much. Brother diagnosed with ADHD, sister with type 1 diabetes and autism, and me in the middle doing well in school but spending 5 hours a night desperately trying to get my homework done with no time for friends. I was my moms venting person and never felt like I was listened to. Over time I’ve figured out the oranges at the hardware store thing but goodness it’s taken a long time!!! Thank you for this wonderful resource!
This made me feel stuff. I appreciate your content so much and you’ve been so helpful in my adhd discovery journey so far.
The other day someone pointed out a people pleasing behaviour of mine to me as ‘really annoying’ and I had a internal breakdown wondering how I had got to a point of annoying by breaking myself to be the opposite and I have so much work to do to get back from here. This is a brilliant first step and just lots of thank you x
OMG I can’t even begin to tell you how much I resonate with your experience!
From being passed over and taught that my needs are important and never having my turn to just straight up struggling with ADHD and many of my problems myself, from feeling like a failure who is behind and never met my full potential etc.
I’m so glad you made this channel.
That phrase, "I didn't know what healthy looked like." has been a huge revelation for me over the last couple years. I had too many factors in my early life that sort of better explained my personality and mental state that in many respects I was labeled as a lost cause. My little brother was diagnosed with ADHD sometime around 1992, but the stigma in my household was that he was a pariah because of it, which I think led me to mask any similar behaviors really hard.
This video was suggested to me at exactly the right time.. the time I was open to receive this message & needed to hear it. ♥♥
I feel this. Sometimes it seems like my go to phrase is, "it's OK, I'll figure something out." Or, "I'm fine. Everything's fine."
I just wanted to say that your videos have helped me so much. Not only with finding ways to finally cope with my overlooked ADHD, but also with helping me deal with the ignorant teachers and staff at school who won’t help deal with me and my sibling’s needs. It’s given me so much relief and makes me feel so much less helpless
I cannot even begin to tell you how much I appreciate this video! Thank you SO much for talking about this and I sincerely appreciate the suggestions and examples you gave on how to verbalize needs. Especially part about trying to buy oranges from the hardware store analogy, getting upset because they don’t have any and how we can support our inner child. Thank you!!!!
Definitely going to rewatch this.
My friend and I had a conflict over the weekend. She has schizoaffective disorder (which she calls her "disability") and I have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. We both struggle with anxiety and have codependency patterns in our past, but I'm actively working on changing my relationship patterns.
She was assigned to bring food for an event, so I volunteered to help her, since she seemed overwhelmed by the prospect. I was also suffering a knee injury (though it doesn't show much) and I told her about this in advance and reminded her during. We prepared the food. There were things she said and did that triggered my memories of past Narcissistic/BPD abuse, in addition to her overall anxious demeanor. During the event, she asked me to do several things I was physically uncomfortable with and I told her I didn't want to. There were other people she could have asked, but didn't. I admit, there are things I could have said differently. She seemed to take issue with me firmly saying no and avoided me the rest of the evening.
Now, it's my responsibility to bring it up again to address it. I worry that, if this pattern continues, I will have to step away from the friendship. I don't want to be the unhappy giver, anymore.
I am 44 and waiting for the results of my ADHD assessment. My ADHD has always given me a lot of trouble socially and in school. I was well behaved and always got good grades because I am very smart. I often wonder "what if." My life now is good but I got the assessment because I know it can be better and I can get help. Jessica, watching your videos help me to understand myself and helped me realize I can get help. Thanks for doing what you do.
THANK YOU for this! My entire life I've been told that my problems don't matter because someone has it worse than me, and it's something I'm trying to un-learn as I try to trust people again (I lost a lot of friends over the pandemic, just before getting my ADHD diagnosis, so I'm working on building new, meaningful relationships).
My brother has bipolar disorder, which understandably took much more attention than any of my problems. I learned to internalize everything, nobody knew I was struggling with anxiety and, as I came to find out, ADHD, unless I outright told them. and even after complaining about my inability to focus to doctors for years I had to specifically reach out to a psychologist who would be willing to test me, and sure enough I had ADHD. I relate heavily to you feeling like your family’s needs matter more than yours, I’m glad neither of us are alone there ✨
"Being the adult in the room" - I resonate so much with that. I don't have an official ADHD diagnosis (yet), but after having my son I've come to realize I have to be my own advocate for what I need. I just started meeting with another therapist and as much as it has been helpful, I wouldn't be there if it hadn't been for me. Thank you for relating. ❤️
This video might be one of the best. It feels so wholistic. Amazing job communicating how specific adhd traits manifest as being passive. I’m literally struggling with that right now lol
I was diagnosed just a couple years ago; I’m in my 40s. Everyone else’s needs were (are) more important than mine because I have such a hard time defining what mine are, and at one point I even convinced myself that if someone had to be wrong, it might as well be me because it made everyone else happier to be right. Advocating for myself is so hard!!! I’m so grateful to not be alone in this struggle. Thank you Jessica!!
Relatable.
Also in my 40s, and my mantra has always been "better to be happy than to be right!" and it has made for a pretty peaceful life in that I don't get into big arguments, and am very easy to get along with. If someone has a strong opinion or reaction to something (most things. There are few things I'm inflexible about) I'm fine to take the blame or go along with whatever they want. Why would it bother me which way the toilet paper goes, what colour the car should be, or even whose fault an accident or misunderstanding is? I usually do have a preference, but I'm fine with compromise or "taking one for the team." If my husband says "you told me that you didn't want a garden this year!" in response to me asking when he's going to fix the irrigation, and I told him no such thing, I'll just say "Oh, did I? I don't remember saying that. Well, I want one now." and he can go around thinking that I changed my mind if he wants to. It doesn't bother me, and it's better than arguing such a no-win "I remember it this way" point.
However, it does wear on a person after a while. Turns out that if I'm NEVER "right", I'm not going to be happy either.
Sometimes it’s the giver walking away from a taker person. I had to set more boundaries and detach from those relationships that are incredibly draining. This video is so powerful in being able to communicate needs as a giver.
i am so glad you made this video, i can't tell you how much i needed it.