The Value in Being Single and Celibate -- A Personal Exploration
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 29 ก.ย. 2018
- www.wildtruth.net What is the value in not being in a relationship and not being sexually or romantically involved? Here I explore my ideas and my experience with the phenomenon…
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“The adult side of me, is having a relationship with my wounded inner child.” ~Daniel Mackler
Well said.
Daniel, you are the male version of me. I as a woman have been celibate for years, mostly due to how uncaring and cold people are. I want so badly to love a man for his soul, but the ones I met wear a mask. I would rather be alone the settle for something fake.
100%
That is a big part of the reason why I have been celibate for 19 years now. Nobody tells the truth anymore I’m just so tired of people lying to me. I totally agree.
same
SAME
Amen sister
TH-cam recommendations finally understands me.
Indeed
@@meerespflanzen Yes 🤣👏
Haha your profile picture is that really you
yeah, feel so understood by Algorithms
I've been single and celibate for 5.5 years now. And 3 years before that, and 4 years before that. (Relationship/s in between each stint.) I love being in partnership, but there are so many benefits and also healthy reasons to be intentionally single, belonging only to oneself, and also refraining from sex. Including the benefits and reasons you talk about here. People act like I'm either crazy or lying. Nope. If I do ever enter into a relationship again, it will be with great consciousness, and with someone else who is also very comfortable being alone and doing inner work. Sex and dating and partnership serves as such a distraction for so many, who cannot be alone with themselves, to sit with everything that's needing to be healed. So much unconscious co-dependence.
As usual, your video made me feel less alone in this world, where usually no one understands me and thinks most everything about me is weird, because in a highly toxic world, healthy choices are seen as strange.
I agree totally. Sex is a double-edged sword. I feel especially sorry for the younger generation who have such a complacent way of dating using apps. Also the concept of “friend with benefits” is extremely sad in my opinion, I just imagine two lost souls unaware of their true feelings and needs stemming from unresolved childhood traumas that will never get addressed in this way.
So true.....
how is having a sex drive "unresolved childhood trauma" ?
@@asuka_the_void_witch Listen to Daniel again 5:20
@@postcodeox278 thank you. it isn't FALSE outright , but everything we do in life is to alleviate emotional pain, this isn't relegated to the sexual or indeed the romantic realm.
@@asuka_the_void_witch that's a good question. In my own experience it does seem to be true that unresolved trauma can leave such a mark on our life that when we get into a relationship with that mark still on our hearts. The hurt comes out when we are angry, sad, or confused, stressed out etc. Like Daniel said the dynamics of sex are as such that it can place a temporary band aid on that painful spot. But even with sex unresolved trauma would cause lots of issues it could even make you act in such a way that it ruins your relationships. So having a time of celibacy would seem to be logical to try and live with those traumatic pieces of us. Resolve as much as possible of the past pain prior to getting into a relationship. A person can not fix us. Thats a mistake we can all make thinking that a person or sex can fill in that painful spot, and it does for a while. But in the long run I think it would sabotage us
The fantasy of a relationship is often much better than reality. Someone commented this and I have to say it’s all true from my perspective!!
This is a mature way to talk about emotions, sex and relationships. It's a very nice change to the way people talk about sex in a sneering, cheap, entertainment way. It's so refreshing to speak about it with the dignity it deserves. I also notice that some cultures that are not "western" have a much more warmer way of interacting. Cultures that are not "western" can be much warmer with genuine closeness and touches of affection without any sexual overtones. I think this kind of affection also facilitates growth and healing and completeness, being genuinely part of a bigger family and everyone respecting each other for who they are.
About other non-western cultures there is lots of sexual overtones in interactions with the opposite sex.I think it’s a product of influences from western culture because of internet/hookup culture and misogynistic practices that undermine the female psyche
I’m 37, I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve never been able to match with anyone I was interested in. At this point, because there is such short supply of what I like, I don’t feel like I’ll ever get into a relationship. I would never get into a relationship unless it was someone I absolutely wanted to be with. I don’t need to be with someone I’m only half-assed or mildly interested in.
If you're an "average" man, You better be ok with some pretty big women, the small cute ones? they are sharing the top 10 to 20% they are not happy about it, but its preferable to them to an average guy
@@zodglubby The "average" guy is morbidly obese, unemployed, and living in his parents' basement! 😆
It is very very sad actually how many good people nowadays are lonely
Same here . and I’m 38 years old
@@zodglubby how are you in this channel with that mentality lmao
Take your blackpill somewhere else
I 💯 agree. Celibacy is not a form of punishment but can be a well earned journey to the soul which can bring greater pleasure than a sea of one-night stands.
Another lovely talk Daniel. Open, honest, sensitive, wise. For a man to speak in this way is an invitation and encouragement for others to do likewise. Thank you.
I would like to say, "as a person". I feel that there are not many people that acknowledge that relationships can be an escape, man or woman. I think that further dividing our human race by pointing to someone else as the root of the problem digs a deeper hole.
@@davidballenger8917 unless the person being pointed at is oneself, which is the point of being single and celibate
I've been single most of my life, and I really enjoy my own company. Occasional I have had a few month relationship, and heck, the fantasy of a relationship, was so much better than the reality.
Tell me about it. Love, sex.. all so much better on your own, so different from what I expected.
Being in a relationship starts with YOU. Some people don’t realize that because of the media and the songs. Some people jump into one relationship to another because they need to fill the void.
Yes and some people I’ve found idolise Romantic relationships like they think that a romantic partner will change their life.I was one of those people
'They broke it, you fix it.'🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣I love it.
I've been single and celibate 23 years. What kicked it off was a double-whammy of severe retraumatisation in utterly inappropriate psychotherapy, running concurrently with a romantic relationship with a NPD. The last 3 years have been an extremely steep healing curve - circumstances gave me that time JUST to focus on healing without any other external demands. Gave time for journalling and meditating up to 5 hours each day. Wouldn't have been possible otherwise. Loving your videos.
Same was in a 5 year relationship with a NPD .
i was also involved w a narc for a few years. after that mess, forget it tbh. self love is key
As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims and for the relationship to be toxic.
One of the biggest problems with relationships in our society is that the context we approach them from is too small. We were taught that GETTING THE RELATIONSHIP IS THE GOAL.
It starts in early childhood with Fairy Tales where the Prince and the Princess live happily-ever-after. It continues in movies and books where "boy meets girl" "boy loses girl" "boy gets girl back" - the music swells and the happy couple ride off into the sunset. The songs that say "I can't live without you" "You are my everything" describe the type of love we learned about growing up - toxic love - an addiction with the other person as our drug of choice, as our Higher Power.
Any time we set another human being up to be our Higher Power we are going to experience failure in whatever we are trying to accomplish. We are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic Relationships because of the belief system we were taught in childhood and the messages we got from our society growing up.
There is no goal to reach that will bring us to happily-ever after. WE ARE NOT INCOMPLETE UNTIL WE FIND OUR SOULMATE. We are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship.
True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not possessiveness. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. BELIEVING WE CAN'T BE WHOLE OR COMPLETE WITHOUT A RELATIONSHIP IS UNHEALTHY, AND LEADS US TO ACCEPT DEPRIVATION AND ABUSE (BECAUSE STAYING IN A RELATIONSHIP, EVEN IF IT IS UNLOVING AND EXPLOITATIVE, IS SEEN AS BETTER THAN THE FRIGHTENING HORROR OF BEING SINGLE), AND/OR TO ENGAGE IN MANIPULATION, DISHONESTY AND POWER STRUGGLES.
The type of love we learned about growing up is an addiction, a possessivenes, a form of toxic love.
If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships.
As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. AS LONG AS WE BELIEVE THAT WE MUST HAVE THE OTHER IN OUR LIFE TO BE HAPPY, WE ARE REALLY JUST AN ADDICT TRYING TO PROTECT OUR SUPPPLY - USING ANOTHER PERSON AS OUR DRUG OF CHOICE.
That is not True Love - nor is it Loving.
True love in not possessive and does not cause dependency, it sets free.
thats beautiful and so rare....problem is that people need to be largely secure and unselfish to achieve this ideal....we are a long way from that
Lovely to hear that it struck a cord with you. I'd say don't worry about the level of psychological health of others, but I'd focus on making sure that I myself have become intimately familiar with how this energy plays out in myself (the parts in me that incline me towards this type of relationship) have seen through it , and that I myself am not immersed in this energy and this type of relationship (and am not pushing others to be, implicitly or explicitly).
After we have become familiar with this mental slavery/programming (and its expression in myself) and seen through it and freed ourselves from it, then we can perhaps be of help to others. Until then.. we have tender loving sacred 'work' to do :)
BRAVO! As for myself, I'll skip the romance forever. It has always made me less, not more.
Daniel,
Good video. I'm a guy who has been involuntarily celibate most of my life. I didn't lose my virginity in my late 20s and I'm 32 now. I think one of the things that psychologically damaged me the most was this absurd idea that men are the shallow sex and women care only about personality. When I was fat I wasn't even a human to young women. I was completely ignored and mistreated for years. I think my healing has been recognizing that I was mistreated and not listening to all the societal gaslighting about how things work. People get angry when I tell them that I get treated way better now as a man because I'm thin. Most people don't like real in my experience.
When we start our healing journey it is usually very difficult to have authentic and healing relationships with people, especially when many of our current relationships were toxic to start with, and so we find it much is easier to be alone than to be around people in order to heal and be true to ourselves. As the healing journey progresses though, what I find is that I start to create more authentic relationships with people who are more and more in alignment with my true self, and therefore I no longer need to compromise my authenticity or my healing to be in the relationship. In fact my healing is greatly enhanced by the relationship as relationships are incredibly powerful mirrors of our unconsciousness that can be leveraged to deepen our self-awareness. This is not easy though, especially in our society where the current standard for relationship is quite unhealthy and - as you say - used mostly to escape ourselves. Yes, sex can be used as either an incredibly healing tool, or as an incredibly potent drug. Sexuality is such a powerful and complex aspect of human people, it involves so many powerful emotions and traumas.
Vappole Excellent reply ! Every word that you have written is the truth !
If you go to a church, temple, yoga centre or an ashram, you will meet a lot of people with healing vibes. Blessings! :)
vappole Ma’m, you must be a: philosopher, teacher, or therapist. Your post was brilliant. Thank you.
I donno, I usually need more conflict to feel ,healthy, (for the relationship to be interesting enough to be worth foregoing celibacy), but you sound really focused on this healthy/unhealthy dichotomy you created, so you do you if you like puppets/pretenders/princes/parrots or reflections*cnarsonsighstkough*
Yes! I agree with you, I think have experienced what you wrote about.
This is where I am....after 7year with a narcissisit ....need time alone to self love and grieve my childhood abuse and all other abuse...authentic living
Wishing you all the best on your self healing journey
I find you probably have a very intimate relationship with your viewers here. Your subject matter is so deep and personal and you are so open and honest that I’d imagine it will lead to people having a lot of intimacy albeit at this distance. Have you considered that?
Fergus, Ireland
FRO Films well said. As someone whose in their late 20s, this is insight I can’t imagine getting from anywhere else. Adult life often doesn’t have much space for a lot of authenticity.
I no longer believe in sex before marriage. Never thought I'd revert back to my earlier beliefs but here we are
Especially (but not only)for women sex is often not so much about needs but about a minefield of trauma and crossed boundaries and a lack of self. Sexual abuse of (young) girls is common and it makes feeling safe and being honest and real in sexual relationships very difficult. This is such a big problem that it should be taken into account when discussing and analysing adult sexual relationships.
I’m so happy to be single and celibate too :) for once I don’t feel guilt or shame about it anymore
Im 26 and just now healing from that Shame. If I don't, who will?
I got married at age 20 and divorced at age 21. I was under way too much stress (married, school, and Mormonism). I found out I had a mental illness (I found myself in a psych ward). I've had two relationships since then (but I was celibate), and I had to break it up. I like being single so much better. I might be asexual too. I'm 38 now. I don't want a sexual relationship.
nothing wrong w/ that! a much more peaceful life i feel
Why are Mormons so in a rush to get Married?
The negative effects Mormonism has on family dynamics is really under discussed. I hope you and yours are doing better though.
@@MRTIBURONTIBURON they want to have lots of children because it’s basically considered a net good I think. I don’t know though but this is generally what I’ve been told.
I just heard this quote... "to be good in a relationship, you first have to be good at being single"
I had to step out to fall in deep like with myself. Now, a decade later others bore me, world is full of energy vampires. When l stopped being externally focused and stayed home with me (internally focused) wow, it was so worth it. I filled that void by connecting back to what l had lost - me and my own path and courage of my truth. I adore the romance l have with me. Never let sex be an imprint in your body memory cells, especially for women, cause we naturally become to attached. Celibacy/singleness is 100% sanity, serenity and deep peace.
Broken up three months ago, single and celibate for the same duration now. I never realised until after break up that i was addicted to being loved because I couldn’t love myself. And I’ve grown in just this span of 3 months like never before, like i could never with any of my exes. So so so happy that I finally took matters in my hand and decided to self introspect and develop a relationship w myself. Love the video and comments from all the people here who choose to be single than be in meaningless relationships and devoid themselves of relationship w self
I've been single for almost my entire 38 years, and it's very rare that I feel the desire to be in a relationship. I honestly don't even know how I could be happier in a relationship: I've got limited time, and I love the way I get to spend it. The restrictions that dating puts on my time and freedom to do the kinds of solitary things that I find meaningful have just never been worth it. The irony is that the happier I am being single, the easier it is to attract people.
Looks like you're true to yourself. Bravo❣️
The one who wants the relationship more is under the control of the one who is less invested in the relationship. That's why I was able to see previous attempts at dating were ultimately counterproductive. I no longer want sex or a relationship!
I love it! I haven't even listened to your talk yet, but I LOVE the topic. Celibacy is underrated and physical intimacy is highly overrated. Thank you---thank you---thank you for addressing this most emotionally healthy choice.
"Relationships are not here to make you happy. They are here to make you conscious. If you continue to pursue the goal of salvation through a relationship, you will be disillusioned again and again. But if you accept that the relationship is here to make you conscious instead of happy, then the relationship will offer you salvation, and you will be aligning yourself with the higher consciousness that wants to be born into this world. "
Eckhart Tolle
Daniel G. Eckhart is a spiritual hero.
so true...
I think that if one is working on consciousness in one's relationship's "happiness" may be a surprising benefit
+Christine Badostain, Yes, that is my feeling too. Though I must say that the "happiness" that is the outcome of truly and honestly being conscious of what rises up in one's relationship (including being conscious of parts of me that are not the most pleasant to experience and acknowledge and that I previously preferred to reject and suppress) that type of 'happiness' is of a VERY different quality then what is usually referred to as 'happiness' in the mainstream culture.
It is NOT the superficial type of 'happiness' that comes from getting what I want (the happiness that is here one moment and gone the next). It has a much deeper quality to it, a surrendered quality, an allowing quality, a loving quality that includes all of me, including the previously rejected parts.
In fact, I would personally not use the word 'happiness' at all to describe this quality. Probably a closer word would be 'peace' (though no word is really accurate).
I think there’s validity in that but I don’t follow Buddhism - also out of moral choice. I don’t think we should have to go through all of that.
I feel so content by myself, I've put so much work into figuring myself out, working through my past, all of that, and I'm perfectly happy staying this way until I meet someone who has also done the same
It's just so hard sometimes though because I know I do want a family and as a woman, I dont necessarily have that much time to wait, I wish I did
☹️
Great work Daniel, you nailed it across the board. I was in a few long term serious relationships from ages 15-29, I'm 35 now and been single nearly 6 years, and it has been the best part of my adult life. Tons of growth and just self healing.
I think that healing can also be possible with a partner, but it needs to be the right one who understands and supports.
@@newtonmoonthat and understanding yourself in a personal level, which needs to be done alone
And we have to WANT to take responsibility for our wounds. Most people don’t. Totally true about the sex trigger. I think it’s really good to be with ourselves and be willing to be single for quite a while, then we don’t settle. I think that’s what it means to “settle”... not really have the courage to do what we need to for ourselves, cuz it’s not easy but well worth it in the end. Very possible even to forever be single and satisfied. Who says we “have” to be in relationships. Why that pressure? I think it’s perfectly fine to be single. Yes even forever. Of course you have to have a pet. My kitty got taken by the coyotes last night and I’m totally distraught 😩😭 and hating myself for letting that happen. Absolutely torn apart. Loving is vital to our existence...
So sorry about your cat! :( Not too long ago one of ours met the same fate, sadly.
I'm very sorry for your cat. Don't blame yourself, please. You didn't let it happen! You would never LET it happen! It just happened.
Whenever I'm first in a relationship, I feel as though that I'd been suffocating before, and that being with a woman, the sex, allows the body to unclench, able to breathe at last. It's a powerful sensation. However, in time, the relationship goes from being the most nature state to be one of suffocation. I yearn to answer to no one but myself. Eventually we break up. This is painful, sad. But I realize how much I enjoy my solitude, and how much more I accomplish. I suspect that I enter into relationships with women I'm not terribly compatible with, as a safety maneuver: I instantly envision the eventual arguments and the final breakups. Both of my parents are almost hermits and it's a wonder they had children at all.
Your relationship ends because you said it yourself you want to answer to no one and that doesn't work in a relationship. A relationship is a union, where there are compromises to be made, and both give to each other and take from each other, a symbiosis. There are also so many factors for it to work, like respect, maturity, knowledge, sharing, discipline, inner peace, health, boundaries, understanding, empathy, care, attention, and most important is love. If you only receive and don't give you become a leech and hollow out the other person, and the other person ends it to preserve themselves. Because at that point it's just toxic. It just sounds like what you want is just sex, a toy to release your physical tension from sexual frustration and not a relationship. Relationship is work, always and forever, whether it be romantic, friendships or family.
@@diamondheart11 pretty close to correct, except that was the woman I had to leave for self-preservation. I chose women who I knew would shy away from a full relationship. I don't think it was conscious. I'm sure she chose me for similar reasons, none of which either of us would have acknowledged at the time. To say it was just for sex (for either of us) isn't exactly complete, either. One woman had studied to be a chef, so of course she cooked great meals. She was funny, and she was a visual artist who had some of her work hung in public spaces. The women I dated were talented, intelligent, and had personality, and were sexy. And it's rather shallow to say "just for sex", as though sex were in itself shallow and not worthy of involvement. Despite platitudes and our fear of loneliness, relationships are usually fairly and universally hellish. Many of the most content people I know, especially women, are single well into old age. They probably read No Exit by Sartre.
I've got 14 years celibate, never been happier. Valentines Day is my yearly anniversary. 😎
I have been reading Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet, it reminds me a lot of the ideas you are exploring here. He writes that young people need to spend a long time alone, learning to know themselves, becoming themselves, before they are capable of loving another person.
Single now after my 17 year relationship (first one) ended not by my choice. So much childhood trauma is resurfacing (abandonment, complete emotional neglect, feeling hated/alone/different). I know this is a chance to heal, but I do just feel so drained and empty and just ready to give up. I found your documentaries 7 years ago after my first Psychosis and your videos give me so much inspiration now again. Thank you for your work!
You’re welcome Cristina, and wishing you the best!
Well-said, Daniel. I have been on a similar journey since late October of last year. Since then, I have had the chance to grow in so many ways, but I have also encountered a lot of darkness as I have been confronted with my Self, and the evil of Others. A tough journey. You speak much truth here, and MUCH I can directly relate to. Keep up the good work. I love Jane Middleton-Moz's observation ("Shame and Guilt") that, "Adults shamed as children, often have caseloads rather than friendships." I firmly believe this is true in the women I have been in relationship with in my past. Perhaps you, too?
There is no sex without love! In other words: Sex without real emotions, intimacy is empty, like animal act!
I've always trying to explain that to the people, but it's sad how many of them don't understand what I am talking about. :(
Is it sad or disgusting to purposely deny another’s feelings and use them as a sex toy 🧸
@@heybhabe People are being used and material possessions are being celebrated. Everything turns into the opposite! So we have to learn not to allow anyone to use or misuse us!
Yeah, mere gymnastics- totally not worth it.
your authenticity really shines through, the path through self awareness can be pretty grueling, your videos are always very encouraging.
This channel is a gem. Thank you, Daniel. I'm going through this myself! Learning who I am...
I needed to hear this!!!! I keep going back to male sexual validation as a substitute for self exploration and healing. They will never love me the way I’m supposed to love myself.
Well said Daniel. You are a person with deep insight, and you seem to perceive things accurately.
Thank you! I am learning to heal myself in my celibacy currently. It's an amazing process. Every day a few traumas get resolved.
Your videos are so on target. I left an abusive marriage 3 years ago and I am not anywhere near to even wanting to date anyone. I totally lost myself and am still getting to know myself again. I am getting closer to God and He is showing me my value and who I am. It is actually a wonderful thing because I feel that relationship fills me up so much that I don’t really have a desire to seek love from a human at this point.
Yes! Loved this video. So many people who I try to tell this, they simply don’t believe me. They want to quickly get into the next relationship. “Get back on the market” after a divorce, for example. It’s almost like they need the distraction. But is that how we want to live our entire lives? Distracted?
how else do you think govts took over the world.. because your busy with trivial crap they gave you
Isn't everything we do in life a distraction from our death?
@@xrc7445 Often this is true in our society today. But there is a larger truth beyond death. Let's face it, we will be dead much, much longer than we will be alive. I believe in the soul. I believe nothing is ever lost. I'm dedicating my life to the search for the truth in that.
You are so brave! This level of honesty is so badass! ❤❤❤
Daniel, I'm addicted to your vids and discussions. I love your take on almost everything and you are so sincere. You are a comforting personality. I spent 10 years single but not celibate. It was so good for me. I'm now happily living with someone in a healthy relationship. If I hadn't known myself better I don't think I'd be here. So thankful I took the time to get to know myself.
I love every single video and topic of yours. I totally agree in so many ways. Wish you a great and profound time.
Thank YOU for existing Daniel.
You bring so much value to the world. I resonate with your Beautiful message.
Daniel, I dont know if you realize how much you have helped, and continue to help so many of us. You relentlessly put out such amazing content - thank you and god bless you.
Thank you 🙏
Yup. In my, about 5 years of trying to be celibate it made me slowly heal but I kept getting raped , by guys I worked with after them either drugging me, or knowing I was celibate and wouldn't date but I was easily manipulated into thinking I was safe alone with them and they would lie and say they wouldn't touch me then when I fell asleep they would. I still have trouble understanding why it's not my fault when I shouldn't have thought it was actually safer for crashing somewhere near a guy , trusting that they wouldn't touch me or that I wouldn't completely disassociate and be able to fight them off. I finally pressed charges against one guy which I'm dreading that trial. But on days like today I just don't feel safe anywhere not in my apartment or if I went anywhere bc it's happened so many times. I also look really young with a childish body Im starting to notice pedophiles still trying shit with me at work even though I'm an adult now. I'm grateful to have a healthy body but it feels like the child abuse never ends sometimes
So sorry to hear your devastating experience. I had some of that too and really can’t trust anybody now. So brave of you to press charges against at least one “person” like that! I didn’t have energy to proceed to that myself.
Also is it any way you could move away from such toxic environment, in my experience it never ends and you have to be always on guard. This world is so sad .. 😢
Never befriend or be alone with someone of the opposite sex .
The motivation or intention of closeness is usually sexual, better safe than sorry.
@@givy450 that but also never say never
This guy is brilliant.
This is a fantastic vid ! Everything begins on inside ! Nobody else can do it for you ! We have to truly know ourselves first !
Another astonishing video by Daniel.
And as always, I ask you to do more youtube techniques, like ask people to like, follow and comment. At least in in a note on the end of the video. Your success in youtube is definitely a benefit for every current and future follower.
Huge thanks to you.
Very insightful !!!!!! Love your vdo for a long time !
Thanks Daniel .... so clearly and Wisely expressed the realisations you have come to.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom. Have a treasured day. Peace.
Excellent... it's wonderful to hear someone talk about jus being with ourselves. Such pressure is on us to be in a relationship. There may be something wrong with us if we're not. Thank you for stating so eleqeantly what I have felt for years
Thank you so much for your videos, I am very influenced by your clarity and inspired by your path.
I 👏 needed 👏 this 👏 . Thank you.
Very valuable advice.
Man! Is it ever refreshing, to say the least, to see Anything that supports and encourages Singlehood ! 🎉🎉🎉. This is great. Thank you! You are wonderful!
Very sensitive and wise talk,and thanks again for your openness...I think many young people are in the same way,and it's demonstrated that more symbolic and higher potential to think,more interest in many aspects of reality,including off course,in self consciousness...and less in sex,cause it would not be taken las as an entertaining discharge ,or a magic way to be close to another or feel valued...but dissociation is the common so sex suffers the same destination,as the majority of our affections and behaviors...all separated of the center,all disconnected from the inner self...how good to read and watch your videos aligned with my this,but so well articulated!!!
Thank you Daniel, every few years I find someone with an actually unique and well thought out perspective on things, you have sort of opened my eyes to something that I already knew, I share your perspective on sexuality and so on, or at least I think I do. As a 22 year old man, I have no shame in admitting that I have never had sex or a real relationship. I'd like to leave my perspective on things here, in hopes of you or anybody else for that matter - replying to me and telling me what things I may be doing good or doing bad, this seems like a place with people who can give me positive critique, constructive arguments about my view. So to anybody that is willing to read what I think, I thank you in advance.
I was in a short relationship once but I had to end things with the girl I was with because I was not happy with how things were, how I felt about her and so on. In a way I think I damaged myself when I ended things with her, damaged myself to a point where I was not ready for a relationship ever since, because I don't want to end up hurting someone like that. I'd rather have a girl hurt me then carry the burden of hurting someone.
I also had a chance to have sex, and for some reason I just didn't want to take it, and it confused me deeply later on, sex is something I really wanted back then and when I finally had a chance to have sex with a girl which really liked me - I didn't take it?! Now after lots of thinking about it, I know that back then, I was not ready for it - why? I have no clue, but at least I don't think that there's something wrong with me, that I am some kind of a coward.
After all these experiences, I have formed my own perspective or relationships, which has both helped me and hurt me - I think. My view says that I will not have sex or a relationship with someone who I truly am not "in love with". Casual sex is something I fail to understand, I fail to understand how can someone have sex and wake up in the morning and pretend that nothing happened. I guess I am clingy? In that case I figured out that I should stay away from casual sex, no matter how big the temptation. And when it comes to relationships that's where trouble really lies in with me, because I am almost dying to share my world with someone but also I am terrified of the chance that the person that I finally decide is the right for me, is not the right for me and that I have to hurt them by leaving them, like I did to that girl years ago. I also have a problem where I know that I am a person that needs to heal with therapy and stuff - so going into a relationship, and potentially "dumping" all my problems on someone else feels irresponsible at the very least and downright evil at most, in my opinion...
I am lucky to have amazing friends though, like I can honestly say that these are the kind of friends few people have, we have things to talk about, common interests and we share a common yet different perspectives on life, which we argue sometimes, but in a constructive and interesting way, not in some kind of a negative manner, so to my mind, If I ever find a girl- I'd like to think I would have a similar relationship with her, I don't think it would be a good idea if this girl and me were the same exact people, I see many positive things about people in a relationship having different perspectives on some things in life, prevents that sort of echo chamber from forming.
There, that's sort of my perspective, or most of it. If you managed to not get bored or annoyed with the way I write, and If you are planning to give me any reply- critique, advice, whatever, from the bottom of my heart- thank you, I am trying to fix myself.
The world will give you as much as you bargain for.
Thus don't lower your standards to accommodate someone.
You are just natural unless otherwise, sex isn't something to play with and it's meant precisely for married couples.
Take your time have faith that you will get someone with same values as yours. It needs faith to believe that such as you want you will get. God grant the desires of your heart.
Thank you Daniel. That was inspiring! :)
Love your work Daniel
This is true with me as well. Been celibate for some time and it feels natural now. Thanks for sharing, Daniel.
I am lifelong celibate never relationshipped before. Mental illness is gonna tear me apart. I am glad I can end it on my own terms.
I'm celibate from rejection and have mental illness as my brain works differently. Sometimes there is a shitload of stress.
This really spoke to me. Thank you.
100%. I am ready for a spiritual partnership if it appears, but am totally committed to one with myself
I have been single for a long time now about 7 year now and its you said at first i wanted to have someone to fill me not just the whole inside but the emotions of my past childhood trauma and it so inspiring to know that i'm not the only one and call me crazy but it has help so much the past year and i even had girls being mad at me for not pursuing them .. haha your videos are tools for me thanks !!!
Love ur msg especially vlog about breaking from parents and friends and toxic relationships, ur words r gold like urself
I agree that people should not expect another person to heal them but I strongly believe that conscious relationships, in which 2 people are committed to work on their self-growth and have the other persons best interest and evolution at heart, is an IMMENSELY powerful experience. Conscious and sacred sex and sensuality in these types of relationships can also be used for healing and growing aside from pure pleasure and passion. Unfortunately in todays society, people have sex based on lust and perversion (this has been systematically taught to us i.e. widespread of porn watchers etc.) and use it as a "release" rather than using this immensely powerful kundalini energy to connect, heal and enjoy.
Love this! Thank you.
This is where I feel like I'm heading with the path I'm on. I'm fighting so hard to strike a balance between trying to do what's right all the time and maintaining my sanity. I know I'll probably have to do years of self-work and years looking for a sane therapist, but there are times when I desperately need human connection. I want a life partner, but I don't want a life partner because something's missing in me. It has to be a case where we both love each other and ourselves. Sometimes I wish I could go back and take the blue pill on all of this shit.
Maybe after knowing myself and my history and all of the context from what I was born into and survived, I'll be able to love myself and see how bad of a start to life I really had.
The joy of life is in being who we are.
If a relationship enables you to be more of who you are, then it's healthy. If the other person requires you to be lesser than all of who you are, then it's not healthy.
I would say most romantic/intimate relationships are unhealthy.
VERY good video here Daniel.
When do you think self healing is too much? I mean, don't you think feeling the need for a 10 year self therapy just to get into one relationship, is also related to seeing yourself as a very inadequate person? I'm saying this because all my life has been like "I have to grow more for a relationship" and I never have a relationship. Can't we grow WITH someone? Does it have to be alone? Maybe there are different kind of relationships?
Great questions!
Remember: a man's meat is another man poison
Healing is vastly overrated. Life is painful. It's a huge complex system of competing forces constantly pressing up against each other. Conflict is everywhere, and conflict creates pain. Sure, your old wounds still hurt. Maybe you can heal them and they will hurt less, but that won't protect you from pain overall. You can easily gain new wounds. You may even live in fear of new wounds after spending so long healing old wounds. The only reasonable approach is to just live according to your passions and press forward. Develop your skill to tolerate pain. That's much more useful and effective than learning to heal. Rest and heal when you can, but don't let it be an excuse to stop moving forward. We are all heading toward old age, pain, and death in the end after all, so don't waste too much of the time you have. Don't ignore pain as it's a useful signal that something is wrong, but don't be held captive by it either. If you want or need another relationship, do it, don't wait around for all of your old wounds to heal. People need each other, even if they are only flimsy plugs of each others emotional holes, we were made to be social. Your body will figure itself out and eventually get you the healing (or coping) that you need one way or the other. Fantasizing about working toward a future free from pain is a dangerous illusion.
You're so right. And you know what? Getting in your own head is harmful. Spend some time there then get out and enjoy life. We're social animals! No amount of healing can do what connection can
Thor is Here Games - I really like your comment! It answers to some of my questions I've been asking myself after watching Daniel's videos. It seems that he's been talking about healing childhood trauma for several years. It seems that there's no end to this process. And what about life? Shouldn't it be about something more than just healing?
I could easily adopt Daniel's way of thinking and take years upon years to heal my traumas. I'm good at introspection and I'm used to being alone but I think that it would be just an excuse to avoid entering a relationship because a) all kinds of expectations b) the potential for getting hurt is so high, actually it is more than certain that a relationship will bring emotional pain of one sort or another.
I feel like getting on Tinder and writing: I'm looking for a flimsy plug for my emotional hole. It would be the most honest description ever 😄
Love you big sir ! Do a 101 lecture series on psychology and ill be forever in your debt.
Great job! Thank you!
you look happy in this vid. That was nice to see. Take care Daniel.
Love your analogy!!!
wonderful share! thx
Sex is a natural part of being alive. I think it is important to be able to honor one’s own sexuality, even as a single person , or a celibate person. By the way, many marriages are celibate, too. ~ Sex is a big problem for just about everybody. There is so much fear & taboo connected to sex & sexuality. I think very few people have a healthy attitude towards their own sexuality. I also think, it is good to start on these issues first. Because in early childhood development, it is the child’s sexuality that develops first. ~ And then, again during puberty. It would be beneficial to address any & all issues that are connected to one’s own pain, insecurity, emotional distress, etc, that is connected to one’s own sexuality. Once these areas are cleared, many other disenfranchised aspects of the SELF, will naturally fall into place. Reclaiming one’s own sexuality is to truly inhabit one’s physical body. It’s also a way to take possession of your body & therefore create those healthy boundaries that are so important to healthy living. ~ One cannot set realistic boundaries without claiming one’s own sexuality. It is all interconnected 💖🌷🔥🌳
I will say as a celibate that a teenager could get so embarrassed about soiling his bedsheets he'll wonder when that phase will end.
This is the kind of messaging that more people need to hear and be brave enough to listen. Growing up I was constantly being pressured to have sex, get a partner, get married, all that,. Society had taught me that there was nothing else in the world more important that this specific goal and if I didn't "succeed" at it I was a failure as a human being. So happy I've gotten older and realized that this is probably propaganda for something idk what.
Thank you so much; I fully relate !!
Hey Daniel, I absolutely adore you videos!
Please could you do a video on John Bowlby's Attachment Theory? Thank you for the videos, keep them coming :D
"a marriage within...an inside job...sex doesn't cure anything"...Daniel Mackler I really really like you. raw brilliance. Thank you. You profoundly validated a personal experience of celibacy, that has been painfully misunderstood and misjudged, yet unavoidable and deeply healing for me.
I was initially against this idea, not that I plan on doing this for the next decade, but I can see the benefits of it now and am currently taking time to myself because I do want my next relationship to be healthier.
This is so spot on! I definitely resonate with everything you mentioned. I receive a lot of backlash over my decision to be celibate and you're the first person to express where I'm coming from. Love your videos so much. I really appreciate your work!
Some thoughts regarding to this genuine video. Just as people are using sex to escape from themselves, there are also people stay celibate to avoid facing their own fears to be intimate with somebody, or to avoid dealing with their limiting beliefs - 'I am not attractive or not worthy enough to have a relationship.' So, single or not, there are always inner works to do and being aware to the subtle things going on in the mind is very important.
Personally, I couldn’t understand the experience of constantly getting into different people’s beds, or to have multiple partners at the same time. It is not just dissociation, but in my imagination, the psyche has also broken into countless little pieces… It is also very hard to understand how to have sex without having emotions or feelings. For me, it is not easy to find someone who is at the similar spiritual stage and also happen to have feelings for each other. The pop culture and mass media has hijacked people’s mind and time, then making them into robots. It is no fun at all to have relationship with robots, or being as a robot.
On the other hand, I kinda support the concept to (sexually) explore more before getting into marriage. In the process, one might get hurt and heart broken but there are also chances to really know thyself. It's better than get married for the sake of getting married, and later having affairs or creating unhealthy enviroment for their kids.
Your videos should be seen by more, especially this one and the topics about being parents/having children.
(Hope there is English auto-generated captions)
This comment resonated with me the most. I am currently dating my long term girlfriend of 6 years..but we match so well. However, I am conflicted because I feel I still need to grow as a person in some aspects because I find myself co-dependent..but idk I feel my feelings fluciate a lot..Overall, being in this relationship has helped me grow as a person and luckily my partner has not been overbearing to the point in which i can't do what I need to do such as go out with friends and do my own hobbies. The world is very cruel but to not find someone that matches and equally puts effort into a relationship that is supportive and caring is hard to find.
Brilliant. Thank you. You have confirmed my personal perspective on SEX. I have experienced painful relationships based on the passionate sexual craziness. Total childhood dysfunction.
I think until our relationships reflect truth and real loving acceptance of “self “ and “other”, there will be lots of turmoil. It’s difficult to be that way because most people have so many unresolved emotional needs/shadow/unconscious projected behaviors.
I have no problem with celibacy. Most people unconsciously enter relationships because they believe they need someone or need sex, which is not true of course.
Sometimes we get to a point where we don’t feel like entering into a shared romantic/relational space with someone because we need time to heal and process old core wounds and traumas.
Sometimes it’s a spiritual/soul process kind of a journey if you are attuned enough to seeing whats happening. Being alone and celibate feels like the only thing to do when that process begins... even entertaining the idea of a relationship is impossible - not because you don’t want one. It depends on where someone is at of course. It’s not for everyone but sometimes we need to step back and pull away from everything in order to wipe the slate clean and refocus our attention and awareness to our inner world.
Is an attractive woman like yourself aver really celibate though? Those little "it just happened one nighters with The Big men do they count? attractive women are never truly celibate
I love your videos.
I have been celibate for 25 years I was married for 20 yeas to an alcoholic and my mother was an alcoholic and I have never been happier and learnt to love myself and grew and become very independent and learnt more about myself than I ever did in a relationship, I also became more spiritual and have found myself and have a wonderful life and many friends. If you look to others to make you happy that means they can also make you unhappy.
Hi Daniel, hopefully this comment reaches you among the thousands of comments you probably get here on TH-cam and your website combined.
I just wanted to thank you for putting all this content on TH-cam despite the ways in which it might affect your life and your journey of healing.
Over the past two months, I have watched almost everything you've put out here very intently and it was a slow but sure progression towards the conclusion that having a partner or children is not something that is for me.
It's been really emotionally overwhelming to come to terms with, since I think I was almost quite obsessed with the idea of motherhood - I would write letters to my future adopted child, and would make lists of films and books and whatnot. But your logic just seems infallible.
And now I imagine a world in which I might not have stumbled upon your channel, and it scares me that I could have gone on longer with the notions I had. And this brief moment of terror is what's pushed me to write this comment to you.
I'm 19, and it feels like I've been doing similar things like you described for a long while already, but I was not quite committed to it yet, I thought I was a bit crazy. Now I'm working hard to be financially independent so I can properly heal. And I'm just really excited (and slightly nervous) to keep doing this.
Wishing you the absolute best, you bring so much value to my life and I thank you for that.
Love.
Thank you 🙏
I hope this perspective becomes more familiar in the world at large. Although I would have had a preference for being alone, the 'norm' (very much so for women) was to be in a relationship or married and this powerful social tendency won out for me. I was lucky not to have made a worse mistake in my marriage, and I *think* my children are more or less ok (though two of the three have children of their own). Now I have a lot of *work* to do.
I love the way you think and speak - let me know if you are ever visiting Melbourne Australia!