How to ungaslight kids
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It would have meant the world to me as a kid had a trusted adult just sat me down and let me know that they did see me and genuinely cared. I grew up mostly isolated, thinking I was alone and had to deal with my problems on my own. Telling off the narcissist didn't matter... I just wanted to believe that someone in the world actually had my back.
When I was a child my aunt came over one time while my mother was raging and told her to stop. The abuse continued, but, my aunt calling out my mother, just once, forever changed my thinking and saved my life.
thanks for sharing this thought... resonating.
Me too! I was all alone surrounded by narcissists.
My parents separated when I was 3, and I was raised by the narcissistic one. No adults saw how she treated me b/c she was highly intelligent and was able to do it where others wouldn't hear. Such as pulling me into her bedroom to whisper harshly at me when we had company over. If I tried to say something, she denied it and she was believed every time. It's very isolating!
@@homesweetplanet it’s sad that abusers know that most people will believe them over the victim, especially when the victim is a child.
I’m incredibly lucky that my child at the age of 9 sees this behavior and doesn’t make excuses for it. She calls out her father’s behavior and even backs it up with facts why it’s wrong. Im so proud of her! It took me years to see what she sees already.
This is a blessing that she understands. This will be a comfort to you as she matures. I too took years to understand as well, children can be amazing at comprehending more then we expect at young ages. I taught my children from a young age about right and wrong actions and words, and they are able to pick up on others bad behaviors. We reinforce as the years go on. But this will be a great comfort to you, I wish the best for you both
Yes ! That’s my story too where my 9 and 8 year olds are calling him out and backing it with evidence and facts, of course he won’t concede but it makes me so proud and happy to see them stand up for themselves. Can’t wait to gradually get them out of the toxicity ..🙏🏾
That’s amazing! When she recognizes this behavior what is her response? Does she usually respond regardless of who is around.
That's great to hear. I'm a HSP and as the oldest child constantly called out my Narcissistic ex father and all I received was physical, emotional and psychological abuse constantly. I left him and the family over a year ago at 40 y.o and haven't looked back...
My child is 9 and nowhere near pushing back on the ongoing manipulation and gaslighting by her father, even though we divorced last year. My thoughts on it, is that she doesn't know there are other ways, because she herself experienced emotional abuse, though mostly witnessing me getting annihilated - sort of like 'monkey see, monkey do'. Does it come naturally to the child alongside the abused parent's healing process? Any recommended resources on this issue?
This is such a slippery slope as a grandparent watching in horror. 1 is the golden child. 1 is the scapegoat. Both kids desperately hold on to making excuses for their parent. I follow as best I can the tips you provided. It saddens me so to see them going through this.
I was also severely gaslit as a child. It's taken me decades & lots of therapy to realize all the nuances.
Can you Please do more on gaslight children? This is So important!
Thank you for All you do and are. You have helped me to quite literally stay sane through all the madness w my grandchildren & both parents to them.
❤ I agree. More videos on children of parents who gaslight. It is so tough as a grandparent to watch. This video was helpful!!
@@12faithgirl I have been searching for articles about this subject. Finally, it is being addressed. We grandparents worry so much to the point I cannot sleep. I have 2 rare autoimmune diseases and the constant drama and antics by the parents is slowly wearing on my health. I cannot stress like this. My grandchildren are my life.
@@kathrynsheartland same here.... it is horrible. I had a stepmother that raged and now a son who rages. It triggers me and I feel horrible...
I agree, we need to focus on the kids and childhoods...this is where the seed of self doubt and negativity is planted. We need to combat at it's source 💯
@@12faithgirl my heart goes out to you.
This is a topic that I think we all need more information about. We don’t want to see children being destroyed by toxic behaviors happening in their lives. Children are powerless and probably internalizing the emotional abuse. It is so important that we learn how to fortify their self worth and confidence.
All I could do is internalize it, because I had an unavailable father who only listened to my narcsisistic mother, and a narcissistic mother who only cared about herself, and would yell, scream, and shout at me if I came to her with something that she deemed i did wrong and she would yell and scream at me, instead of helping me. I had a very abusive and damaging childhood, because I was scared to defend myself from others, because I was always told I was the problem and causing problems for others.
Some people should have never had children. The worst part is they think they were great parents...... A parent cannot decide themselves if htey are a great parent or not, that's not how it works LOL.
I guarantee you that children internalize the emotional abuse. I know that's what I did, and to this day (I'm in my 60's) I have to intentionally stop myself from gaslighting myself and reaffirm to myself that the abuse was not my fault. It's taken a long time for me to understand that my internal voice was, for all intents and purposes, my narc father's voice. I'm still actively working to shut that down and retrain myself to be kind and caring internally as well was externally.
@@Smurgles
I understand, I still have to yell at my ‘negative inner critic’ to stop. Sadly, parents valued looking like a good parent over the mental health of their children. Yelling, hitting, and controlling, just as they were instructed to do by their own parents to make children stronger. Smh
@@lukebrindax7465 I always say that children love us no matter what. It's up to us to make sure we are deserving of that kind of love.
@@bekmak583 Yes, this is true. Most children only want love and happiness.
Becoming a parent does indeed make one more sensitive when observing the gaslighting of others. Raising a kind and empathic child is what finally motivated me to go no contact with my gaslighting mom and break away from those ancestral chains of toxic behavior patterns.
Surviving such gaslighting also makes one more sensitive when they see it.
Nothing made the wickedness of my parents more clear than imagining myself in their place and running through how I would behave in their position. Eye-opening.
You and me both
Me too
@@kdphotos4691 … and it makes them more likely to call it out when they see it 👍🏻
I'm starting to realize the new twist on gaslighting including "I don't remember that, but if I did, I'm sorry". They put the words "I'm sorry" in there so that they can say they "apologized", but they put all the qualifiers in there so they don't actually own anything.
This 🙌 I said uhm... nice try that wasn't an apology at all...
Right? I've seen that too. And it's tough because some disagreements about reality do come not as intentional and malicious gaslighting, but because of truly forgetting things or remembering things differently (although it's a whole other level of frustration when a core and deeply impactful memory of abuse and damage for you is so easily forgotten by the one who did it). But this way of handling it seems to just "check a box" instead of truly apologizing if any harm was done. I'm not in favor of people taking accountability just because someone else tells them they did something (which could be and is extremely misused by abusers) but I'd like to see more genuine empathy and understanding of the harm they "might have" caused, especially if they have a record of being angry and abusive and they know that even if they're forgetting this specific moment of doing so. Something like: "I don't remember that happening. I'm not saying it didn't, and knowing who I was and how I acted back then, it's completely plausible that I did, but I just don't remember. However, if I did, I'm sorry. I can see how hurtful/scary/inappropriate/damaging that would have been and understand your feelings about it. So, again, if I did, I shouldn't have and I'm really sorry." But don't give me this checkbox one and pretend like it's in the past because you "apologized" to me. Like you said, there's no real ownership or understanding for it; it's just a hypothetical apology.
Apologies are worthless without sincerity and change.
@@frozenrose87 Thanks for putting your thoughts out there on this. I agree that the human nature of memory makes this difficult. There likely ARE things that I myself have done and said that I honestly don't remember. But it's one thing to very quickly write it off. It's another to claim that you don't remember it, but you deeply care about the potential impact it may have had on someone else. It would have been very different if I had heard something like "Wow, you know what, I honestly don't remember it that way. But it's apparent that you do. Can you tell me more about your memory of it so that I can understand?". An honest conversation.... not an attempt to shut down communication.....
I've done that. Guilty! I actually dont remember sometimes and as I let my adult child talk more about it i start to remember as I'm trying to hold that space for them things come back to me. I have had a hard time with memory due to dissociation and maybe purposely trying g to forget ALOT of stuff I dont want to remember. Not an excuse and is common among people who have been intentionally confused to forget and not know what is going on.
I had a lot of brain damage from being gaslighted by my narcissistic father. When I had my near-death experience, God healed my mind and revealed the truth about my family.
Praise God! That is wonderful. 🙌🏼
So happy for you. My children’s dad is doing the same. I am terrified. They are self destructing. There is absolutely no one there to help me.
I pray to god my sons see this horrible pattern soon.
The effects of a gaslighting parent can go so deep. I had to learn how to stop gaslighting myself in the narcissist’s absence. When I was a teenager still living in a narcissistic family system I would repeatedly try to get help for my anxiety ,but my narc mother would say that I was always an anxiety child(as if that was just the way I was and I believed her),and I’m only now realizing that she was why I was like that. I was mistaking the affects of abuse with who I was ,and now I’m 20 years old trying to figure out who I am outside of my trauma and I feel almost hollow. I don’t have that many memories from my childhood, like generally know what was happening even up to a few years ago ,but I couldn’t really anything specific. I feel like I’m trying to build myself into full fledged person just based on the lessons I’ve retained and nothing else . I guess if you’ve just been clinging on to pain for years and you actually do the work and release it that all you’ll be left with… a blank slate. I think that it could really be a blessing I just feel really uncomfortable atm.
My father is an narcisstic sociopath & my mother very selfish narcissist. I grew up with my mother but I had the pleasure to get to know my „lovely“ father better every summertime when the holydays from school. He showed me & my brother his narcissist, agressiv & non control personality. he would often insult us. So would our mother.
They were both so selfish their intire life & also not mature enough to be parents!!!!
As you said…. it‘s hard for me to remember bad things that happened to me. I have no memories at all. It‘s weird.
i feel this shay. when i finally ran away and worked out a place of my own, i realized sitting in the lonely apartment for days on end that i really have to start over personality wise since ive started my healing journey. v much uncomfortable but its worth it. enjoy the chance to a new beginning :))
As someone in middle age, do all you can to help yourself now. I know you are doing that already. I just want to give you some reassurance that you have many years to find yourself again.
Try listening to music or drawing or going for a walk. It sounds like you need to find yourself and you will as you do more activities that challenge your perception. Stay away from booze and drugs. They will ruin your life.
I'm 54 years old. I can relate and lived similar to each of you here. Gaslighting is minipulation@ Best. I'm journeying and will 4ever.. I won't get into my stori, I wanna send my Love to each of you.
The fact that Now you know what Gaslighting is, your brain goes dominant
It's the way the brain was created. It's a Protection to help you to not be able to recall abuse ( mental, emotional, physical, etc.). Done by Narcos🖤... Flying monkeys, etc.... In your healing, things will come up, so don't be surprised, it's been suppressed. And some things may never. But, the ones that will, Face them!!! Straight in the mirror!!! And tell your Beautiful, Strong, Resilant self.
You are a Liar and the Truth ain't in it.
You know what happened to you, Can't NoOne tell you what you Experienced.
, you where present. , not them.
We must Reprogram our Minds, the mind & the heart help one another..you can control that.., from ALL that has been done to us. It's Recovery time. Keep Loving you, Believing in you, etc.
This process hurts like Hell, but there is Light @ the end. I know it is.
Like the phases of a Butterfly. Empaths are the most Strongest ppl in this World.
It's why we are here, Narcissist's were Envious, Hateful and Jealous, because they don't have 💕 Heart's, Kindness and Compassion like us.
Keep Breaking chains, and continue to be grateful for Dr. Ramani, she has been there herself. This channel is a gift. Do Not pass this Hate to your Children, nor No One in life. Much Love, Tina💐
Hang in there Shay, you are on the right track. The real you is that sweet innocent trusting heart, the heart that was broken. Look for the kind-hearted people, they will mirror your goodness back to you. You are amazing, keep going! 💗
I've been gaslit my entire life.
It destroyed my sense of self and makes me constantly doubt myself
Same here. Ended up with cognitive dissonance.
Same
Same. I'm middle aged now and alone. I seem to attract them and it hurts so much. I spend most of my days alone and if it gets too much, I phone The Samaritans to talk to someone.
This is a wonderful thing to do for adults too. Just one person that acknowledges what you are going through is groundbreaking for the person being gaslighted.
Absolutely! My husband and our child have done this for me, and it is amazingly affirming and healing. When I think back at all the adults who were in my life and not one of them noticed that something just wasn't right all I can do is wonder how many other kids are experiencing the same "invisibility" that I did.
Mybestie ☺ but he is also a councilour and study pyschology.
💯
Exactly.I did not know a child could be gaslighted. It opens the world to me.
Looking back at my childhood, if even ONE adult has made this difference for me, acknowledged that my deep repressed feeling that something wrong is being done to me, it would be a life changer. I guess having my therapist finally point that out at 21 wasn't too bad, but if you ever hesitate if you should reach out to such kid - don't hesitate. You can save their heart just a bit, your support may be simply stored in them like a little orb of light.
totally agree with you. i had a friends mother who always believed me when i tried to express how i was being treated at home. i didnt have the words to describe at the time what was going on & how frustrated i felt. She clocked exactly what was happening to me & gave me so much comfort just validating that yes it was happening to me. even to this day my mother & sister will deny everything but it comforts me to know when i think i imagined all these memories & doubt myself, my friend tells me she remembers & her mom remembers. thats good enough for me.
@@jennzenn971 thank God for her.
I ungaslighted my young adult nephew, and now he's doing great! I married into a classic narcissistic family, and I grew up in one. He thanked me, he's free and happy. I'm glad!
Hope did you do it?
Please do more videos with kids 🙏🏽 They're the ones who cannot defend themselves and the scars in them are more profound and difficult to heal 🙏🏽
Yes..💔😢
Just found a book that helps with this, but I guess I'm two years late lol. "The sky is red" by Tyra Juliette Schwartz, the book is awesome and encourages kids to trust themselves. I found it on amazon. Really cute story but with a strong message to build up defenses against this sort of stuff. Pretty cool
5:12 i agree
7:07
This is so important!!! ONE conversation in high school in which my brother told me not to let my mother get to me and to focus on getting out of there in a couple years was pivotal to my awakening years later to the gaslighting. I hadn't known childhood shouldn't feel like a prison sentence with a cold and endlessly critical warden. The golden child gave me the keys to my jailbreak.🗝❤Thank you, brother.🙂
Have to strongly agree with the self blame if you were a child that was gaslighted and it remained unchecked
My greatest mistake as a mom was allowing my mother into my children's lives. She is their only living grandparent. I would like to see video on overprotective vs controlling behavior. I wish I had understood the difference before my children were abused. Everyone told me she was overprotective. Truth is she has never protected anyone.
I remember strangers would come up to me and wink or say outright that they feel sorry for me and whoever has to deal with my father. It was messed up. He would yell and put me down in public even on “vacation”
Did it help? Strangers seeing what was happening.
That must have been a real eye opener for you, knowing that a total stranger has more sympathy or empathy for you than what your own father had (or any other family member for that matter)? Especially on holiday?
We need more study, coverage, awareness on gas lighted children by narc parents and the lasting consequences for the children, who became adults. If they make it to adulthood. Many committed suicide. I was so glad to see this one, Dr. Ramani. Thank you!
I feel terribly for my sisters who don't realize that they've been gaslit and continue to live with the lights out and in the darkness of my narc parents/extended family
Great video Dr.Ramani , it's so true how far just a little bit of validation can go . I look back & realize how important that would have been in my young life . Narsissistic parents are so CRUEL !!!
I was YELLED at for listening to my gut. “How you feel doesn’t matter.”
As a person that was raised on gaslighting, THANK YOU for this! I've been existing in a vicious narcissistic family dynamic my entire life. Once in awhile, a teacher or acquaintance of my parents would say something really nice to me, and stick up for me, and I don't remember their names or faces but their kindness has been solid in my memory all my life ❤
I tell my toddler that her dad has big emotions that he has trouble to deal with, but that she's not responsible nor at fault for those big feelings. That she's safe, she can always come to me for a hug/cry when she needs it, and that I love her unconditionally.
That's the best way I found to explain in a language suited for her age and not point finger at her dad...she's already terrified of him enough. I know she will be able to discern the nuances for herself when she gets older, and I will be a rock for her (and the greyest of rock for him 😂).
Your videos have truly changed my life, thank you ❤
This is very helpful Dr. Ramani. I work with kids who are mentally ill/victims of abuse. Sometimes it's hard to know how to help them when I see what's happening.
LoL where were you 40 years ago
@@AT-dk9pv I wasn't born yet sorry LOL
Haha I got you. My sister could've used the help, then I came along some years later. But this tale never goes out of style, so I am happy for kids today to have folks like you 🙂
@@AT-dk9pv thank you! I also wish I had had a "me" when I was as young as my clients are. I'm blessed to have someone like me for me as a young man in present time though. I wish you well as you explore healing.
Thank you Soo much I need help in this area. I have 4 children. Their mother is a bad person she is gone now but the damage isn't.
Have faith in yourself , you made it out of the abuse ! 🤝 Take one step at a time , be always kind to the children and enjoy your freedom to the max !
❤
With my nieces I ask before I hug them and respect their boundaries so they know they can say no. My NMom crosses their boundaries a lot. My NMom calls them dramatic or sensitive. I’m glad to learn some tips I can use to help them.
So true, we constantly have to be vigilant
Great vid Dr. Ramani, thank you. As a recovered survivor I remember that my biggest wish was to be acknowledged and to be told that what happened wasn't right. That is the powerful stuff. Maybe I speak for myself but I'm convinced that the exposure of truth is the biggest remedy for people going through this.
Such an important video 💛
Dr. Ramani, thank you for sparking awareness of the youngest victims and survivors of narcissism. And to the fact that it is not always easy or possible for us-the non-narc parents-to shield them from it, as we ourselves try to survive and escape from it.
Besides the passive-aggressive and narcissistic behaviors pointed at me, the disgusting gaslighting, devaluing, and dismissing of the kids drove me to divorce. My ex-husband said all of the classic soul-crushing comments to them. Mean, pompous, word-salady.
(Trigger Warning):
1. “You got a 98 on the test? What happened with those two final points?”
2. “Field hockey? Really? You’re not interested in REAL hockey?? That's strange. In middle school, I was the captain of my hockey team."
3. (Laughing, and checking his cell phone) “I’m not being disrespectful at all. I'm listening. How can you say I’m not listening? I’m sitting right here, listening to you! Therefore, you have to admit that what you're saying is silly, sweetie. It’s just not true. Now what did you want to say? I have to get to work."
How f*cking abusive. The mockery is the worst part.
@@kdphotos4691 You're absolutely right.
Oh my god, his comments were grotesque!
GOOD FOR YOU for GETTING OUT!!!
👏👏👏❤🏆❤👏👏👏
These all sound like things my x says to my teenager.
They’re so lucky that they have you to balance out the toxicity.
There was a lot to unpack for me in this video. I was surprised to discover the grief and rage that came up. Gaslighting at any age is awful but when it's systematically done to a child, the damage is ten-fold. As a child, to never be seen, heard, or believed - words fail me.
Being gaslighted as a child about my feelings, emotional expression and verbal abuse severely impacted my self confidence, ability to trust myself and others, freely expressing myself and rather fueled the nasty voice of my inner critic.
Chronic indecisiveness is after effect of childhood gaslighting, I feel.
I thank you once again Dr Ramani from the bottom of my heart, for this helpful video content to validate the complex negative childhood experience of gaslighting and ways to safeguard children.
I also feel that helping children who are gaslighted read story books where we can show in an easy way that one animal character is invalidating or gaslighting other animal character - what kind of statements are gaslighty, how to identify and respond to them - even as a child - could add to some empowerment and safety
This is so important. Been waiting for something like this for a while
The systems are not set up to protect anyone at all from gaslighting and verbal abuse. Courts just threw out protection order against my ex after he had been extremely verbally abusive, then went on justify and validate violence I had suffered at the hands of another, leaving me terrified if he thinks I deserve violence, his next move would be to physically abuse me. If our systems don’t protect adults, our children are at serious risk. Children have little ability to sort out their emotional self mixed with logic. Thank you so much for posting this video.
Sadly, this is the experience of many (most?) autists & is especially damaging to children who don't understand why. It contributes to many (most? all?) of us developing CPTSD & being susceptible to falling into relationships with gaslighters as adults. I was diagnosed at age 47, a decade into my marriage to a narcissist. Looking back, I can't tell you how many times I was accused of lying when i wasn't, told i wasn't actually feeling what i felt, asked why i looked mad or sad when i wasn't, & told to calm down when i wasn't feeling at all un-calm. I'm sure there are more examples, too. thx Dr. Ramani.
Absolutely. Autistic kids, more than others, need people to have their back and explain the "unspoken social rules" (I hate that term). When we have narcissistic parents, classmates, teachers, and bosses, that all goes pearshaped, because they teach us that the world is about them -and our needs and perceptions not only don't matter, they are wrong.
Absolutely wonderful video. I was constantly being gaslighted by my mother. It was so validating and important to me when my great aunt came to visit and saw what was going on and said it to my mother's face (I was in my very early 20's). It was like I finally had someone in the family who would be supportive. Some time later I went to visit her. She continued to support me. We also got to talking and she helped me see my mother was abusive and it was intergenerational. Thank you very much Dr. Ramani.
Oh gosh thank you. Few address this. My kids are innocently gaslight constantly and I just have to observe. Now I know what to do!!
Thank you sooo much. I still doubt myself and sometimes fall into the delusional reality my parents gave me as a child. I’m a grown man but yet there’s something about that childhood brainwashing that’s so tough to shake and when I do snap out of it I get really bitter and think about all of the lost years of my late teens and early 20s where I was completely in my own bubble struggling with what was real and what was just a lie forced onto me as a child.
My ex is a narcissist and abused our family, especially my oldest daughter. I didn’t realize it was all abuse until he got caught in an affair four years ago and he didn’t want to stop. He went crazy. We have eight kids. Since that time, my abused daughter moved back to America (where I wanted to be too but husband wouldn’t let us go), and she stopped talking to even me. I know she is hurting and doesn’t know how to deal with what she’s gone through. Maybe she blames me for not stopping the abuse earlier. 😔 I understand and I will patiently wait for her to come back to me. But my other teenage sons were abusive to my oldest daughter, to my younger kids, and myself (when my ex broke up our family). I had to deal with this abuse and be a safe place for my younger kids. I was not going to let them feel like my oldest daughter felt. My three oldest sons moved in with their dad and came to my house on the weekends, which were always times of breaking up fights and trying to teach my kids that their behavior was abusive and wrong. They behaved just like their dad in his narcissistic ways. I was the only one to teach them. They were not in school, not around family, no friends. They had grown up in a family that always gave excuses for their dad’s abusive behavior, so they continued to do that for him and for themselves. After three years of trying to divorce my ex and break free of his hold, I finally received help and got a restraining order against him, but he was still allowed to see all the kids on the weekends. Judges don’t care about narcissistic abuse. At that point, my older boys were turned against me by the lies of my ex and his bad mouthing me and anyone who supported me. They stopped coming to my house. They stopped talking to me. I finally divorced my ex last November. I hadn’t seen them since that September. I’ve had all my kids together one day for two hours on December 25. That’s it. Two hours in the last eight months. Meanwhile, my ex gets all the kids every other weekend, so his influence and gaslighting continue. These narcs can have very strong holds on their sons. My ex has trained my sons to hate me and despise me. I’m just a bitch to them. They have no sympathy or understanding or care for their own mother. That’s what narcs can do - turn your own sons against you, when all along they are the abusers. It’s so sad and my heart has been so broken over all this betrayal. But I have four younger kids who love me so much. I have great relationships with them because I have learned (with the help of my counselor) how to help them, to be their safe place. Because they still have narc influences on them, they sometimes use what they’ve learned to hurt each other. I stop them and try to get them to see how bad it is and instruct them on better behavior. This is a long road but I hope my younger kids end up different than my older boys.
I think much more instruction about narcissism is desperately needed in the judicial system. My first lawyer did nothing to help me for two years. The judge did nothing about my situation in the divorce hearing. She said we needed to let the past be in the past. She didn’t hear my testimony or my witnesses. She didn’t care. Now, I’ve lost my sons and could lose my fourth son who chose to live with his dad because he’s scared of going against his dad and his older brothers (buy he’s twelve so he can choose). The system is messed up. Narcissists play it and often win, because lawyers and judges don’t care.
This helped me understand why my mom isolated me further from my aunt growing up. I remember I was in pain for two weeks because my wisdom teeth came in I was 17 so I still needed her to make my appointments and she said I was exaggerating so when I visited my aunt I told her I was in pain and that my mom wouldn’t take me to the dentist so my aunt called her out for it. My mom’s excuse for it was “my wisdom teeth came in and they weren’t painful for me” my aunt told her “well it was for me everyone is different” but there were other instances when I was 9 I didn’t see my aunt until Christmas because my mom had a fight with her about her behavior. I just wish more people had fought for me because it did feel lonely I felt like I couldn’t ask for help.
Thank you for this video! Luckily it hasn't come up too many times with co-parenting, but it's starting to and it is difficult as hell to try and protect my young daughter from what I recognize as gaslighting and emotional abuse without undermining her father and causing a rift between them or parental alienation.
One specific moment was that my daughter told me like, two years ago, right after coming home from her dad's house, that he had made a joke about harming her cousin with one of his knives because her cousin had hurt her feelings. It was a joke that seemed very in line with his personality and something he'd say, so I didn't doubt for a second that he had and just told her that I'm sorry he'd said that and that it had scared her, but he was just trying to make a joke and wasn't really going to do it. And she brought it up periodically over the next couple of years where I'd tell her the same thing. But one time we were at his house and he had just made almost the exact same joke about a friend or coworker or something, and so she brought it up and told him she hadn't liked when he'd said that about her cousin. His demeanor, which had been joking and laughing seconds before, turned stiff and he bristled. He said, "I really wish you'd stop telling people that I said that because I never did." Immediately bells of potential gaslighting go off in my head, as well as the protective instinct from it being directed at her, but the idea of confronting my ex on ANYTHING floods me with adrenaline and anxiety because of his previous reactions i.e. verbal, emotional, semi physical abuse, gaslighting of me, and not knowing what lines he might be willing to cross or the drama he'll try to cause for me when he's upset. But, like you said, kids are worth the fight when otherwise it's not. I didn't want to sit idly by and let him do that to her even though I just bypass and ignore moments like this with him and I. So, after sitting and trying to calm my mind and physiological reaction down for a minute, I say something like, "I'm sorry, are you sure you never made that joke? Cause she's been telling me you did for two years." He says stiffly, "No, I didn't." And even though I'm completely flooded with anxiety and my hands are even shaking a bit, and everything I'm saying and doing is taking a very conscientious effort to choose and control, I push back more and try to keep it casual by laughing a little and say, "But you just made almost the exact same one about so and so." He acknowledges that but claims it's different because he would "never make jokes like that about kids." So, at that point I realize I've hit a wall of his denial and what he absolutely and steadfastly believes about himself and the morals he wants to claim, even though I still think it's very possible he just shot off from the hip so quickly he forgot about it immediately and then denied it once she said something because he recognized that it sounded bad, so I just say, "Well, whether you did or not, she honestly believes that you did, so I'm not sure that just telling her you didn't is the best idea." And, finally, at that point, he has a more "real" discussion with her and apologizes "if" he did, which is better than the outright denial of her reality. But I had to really push through my own fear of confronting him to stand up for her, but again, I'd rather that than let her develop the mental and emotional confusion and self doubt from it.
Good job mama🥰
@@annarowe8459 Thank you ❤️
@@frozenrose87 🥰💖
I was a troubled teenager, looking back, much due to being the scapegoat in a very dysfunctional family with two alcoholic, narcissistic, cruel parents. My three siblings were treated different than me, just feeling this made me feel gaslignted. When I became a teenager, my father would call me a slut, whore, and other terrible names. I believed him, and took the verbal abuse because no one told me otherwise. I was sexually assaulted when I was 14 years old and didn't tell my parents because I knew it would just lead to more verbal abuse from my father. This fed into my belief that my father was right, I believed I was a whore. As a catholic girl, I believed I was damaged goods. On one occasion, my father went into a rage with me, calling me these names in front of my aunt, his sister. She pulled me aside and told me that he should never talk to me that way. This was the first time I had ever heard this. I recall wondering why she would say this, but at the same time, being comforted by her words. I will never forget this, and how much that meant to me. Thank you for this beautiful reminder.
It must be a relief for you to know someone doesn’t think that about you.
💔God bless
Gaslighting isnt part of abuse. It is abuse. I love this topic and suggestions, and was a little uncomfortable with the part at the end that meant physical abuse but only called it abuse.
Dr. Ramani, this is another great video. As someone who was constantly gaslighted/scapegoated at literally almost every family function on my moms side of the family. This is valuable and important. I think it is important to stick up for a child yet some of these narcs are so toxic that I would be concerned that a child could have other issues like safety if the gaslighting narc is called out. These narcs can be sweet as pie in front of others but literally terrifying if left alone with the child. On one hand I would be concerned for the safety of the child when the parent gets them alone. Thank you 🤔❤️🇺🇸
You’re the best thanks for what you do ❤️
To anyone that might be reading this, I wish that whatever is hurting you or whatever you are constantly stressing about gets better. I sincerely wish everyone that happiness enters your hearts and let all the stress and sadness vanish out of your life...as you know nothing in life is ever easy, but what's important is that you keep going!
you're worthy of love and happiness, never allow anyone to tell you otherwise! It can be extra hard sometimes but stay strong and hang in there, your life matters, no one can replace you, I'm thankful you're born and I'm sure your struggles will pass soon! Hang in there my friend 🙏 I wish all of you plenty of health and strength during these tough times. remember you are strong, you got this! never forget that!
sending much love over towards all of you, May god or whatever you might believe in bless you the way you need it to! Happy Easter!
♥️🌟
Someone saying "I believe you" is nice
My mother was a supreme gaslighter. Trouble was, with an extremely strong memory, I knew that she was lying. Didn’t matter. She kept right on anyway.
"You are going to go, and you are going to have fun and not embarrass me!" so said best-interest-at-heart Mom. Half a century later, I still work to figure out what's me and what's not.
Sweet cheeses. You just described so much of my life. Holy sh*t. Thank you….
Thanks for this video. Please do more to address helping children when you have to parallel parenting with your co-parent
I needed this so much. I'm free of my ex but my kids still talk with him 😔 I want to protect them by giving them a healthy home life so they can recognize unhealthy situations
Totally agree this was very helpful as many of your video are. As a Mother in law, whos daughter-in-law is a narcissist, it is a thin line of what I can say before she stop letting me see the granddaughters. this weekend the one granddaughter said she feels invisible. Broke my heart. I Let my son know. But not sure what is the right thing to tell the girls when I have them. I don't want to turn them against their Mother but don't want them to believe it is them. More video like this would be good.
This is so true dr Ramani. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Simply saying to the child that we can see him or her and validating their feelings and reality have enormous impact on their lives. Truth is liberating.
Wow!!! So cool!!! Thank you. Exactly what i needed
sadly, my grand daughters live in this situation. The elder child gas=lights the younger child, the mother allows it and always has. Their Dad tries to bring balance and fairness between them. The younger child is developing insecurity and anger understandably toward her older sister, who is selfish and narcissistic. They are with their mom alot of the time as their Dad works full-time....the imbalance is unavoidable but at least the younger child has one parent who cares and tries to bring fairness to their family.
Thank you for this video. I am a child of two narc parents and was married to two malignant narcs. I watched my ex husband tell my two year old son to BE A MAN, STOP CRYING! I can never see that! I was the one that blamed myself. My son is now an adult and I see his wife doing the same thing. I always stress to my children "its not what you do for a living, its who you are on the inside that defines the outside"...with that being said, my DIL told me, dont tell my son, but he always says the reason I have a grounded self esteem is that my mom has always supported me no matter what....I see so much of me in him, and I hope he finds he true north! The greatest thing I did was divorce their father, I always said its not because he is a bad person, but I am never to old to admit I am never too old to change my life for whats best for me...I try to lead by example! Thank you!
The musician, Kurt Cobain's father would yell the same sort of abuse at him. He never truly got past it. He did try for many years.
@@kdphotos4691 I can count on one hand how many times I ever yelled at anyone much less my children. But I used to be a narc magnet. Until I discovered two years ago what narc abuse is. I love dr ramani videos because not only does she explain every aspect of this personality disorder, she addresses the science behind it and how to take it to a recovery level. I am more than someone that was abused in every manner, I am a survivor and now thriver. Have a great day
Thank you for this! I'm so glad to hear that I've been doing the right thing with my kids. I try to consistently hold space and allow them to feel their feelings without pushing my thoughts and feelings on them. I remind them that adults don't know everything (myself included). I think it helps to take some power away from the people who are gaslighting them. I hope I've done a good job at teaching my kids to always look at the bigger picture in life and not just take another person's words as facts- whether it be family, friends, teachers, religious people- I just want them to be able to choose their path and not feel forced to conform to anyone else's ideas of how they should live life.
Thank you. Well done. You are what we need in this world.
@@kdphotos4691 Agree! Props, mama! : - )
What do we do when the kids start to gaslight us from all the gaslighting the other parent shows them how too.
I've been using the phrase "you have every right to feel exactly how you are feeling," with kids and friends and love ones for a while now, after hearing my therapist say it to me over and over again (which was revolutionary to me).
When or a child or an adult loved one shares feelings with me, I also like to say "that makes sense," and "I am hearing you."
My son recognizes gaslighting at 15, knows he doesn’t deserve the treatment, among other very abusive behaviours from his dad and won’t speak out. Dad has effectively isolated him from all family and friends, will not allow therapy, is actively against it. What are we all doing to stay grounded under these types of circumstances? I’m heartbroken for our son.(and very angry)
Dr Ramani I want to thank you for helping me get the knowledge and understanding of what has occurred throughout my life. Nothing was ever as hurtful as being targeted by a abuser and ignored by the family court judge that avoided bringing in the Casa or other trained specialists to get the truth. Now my youngest my only daughter has been isolated from me and her three brothers and you have helped me to see why and to know how to help her recover from the trauma that is being forced upon her. Your a amazing woman and I thank you for everything you do for us common folk.
#outlaws4justice
#welcome2Louisiana
I observed a parent harshly telling his 3-4 year old son that he was a bad boy. I felt it was just too harsh, especially since I saw what the child did that upset the parent, so I spoke up (edit: in front of the boy) and said that a child should never be told that he is bad. I got hammered in return and belittled, being told: "what do you know about being a parent?" Was I out of line? We need more videos on this touchy subject.
Out of line? The impulse was not. But do you think your behaviour helped the boy?
@@fredhubbard7210 Do you?
@@garycole8365Do you think complete strangers with no information have more insight than you? I wasn't there. I didn't see anything that happened. If you don't have insight into the ramifications of your behaviour, I suggest you learn restraint.
@@fredhubbard7210 If you meant 'did your speaking up when you saw a child being verbally abused help the boy?" then, yes it did. Just like Dr. Ramani said in this video, it made the parent realize that I would not just stand there and watch a child being gaslighted when called a bad boy repeatedly, nor if he called his son stupid or worthless. It was verbal abuse and I called the parent on it. The way your question was phrased made me feel that you were calling MY behavior into question, rather than the abusive parent. That is why you received a snippy response. If that is not how you meant it then I apologize.
@@garycole8365 Apology accepted.
Thank you so much!!! I need this!
I want to cut off ties to every single person I’m related to and never see or hear from any of them for the rest of my life.
I need that level of space in order to heal and to have peace.
Thank u Dr. Ramani, this happened to the closest, dearest people next to me...thank u for sharing your own experience and NOT making it a generational experience on your own children! I appreciate all that you do, even if it means sharing your own disheartening experiences! You took that and used it for the betterment of other peoples lives! You are a strong, wise and beautiful soul! Thank you again!
I do enjoy your approach and your tone. Learning alot through your experience. Thank you for taking time to help people understand themselves and others ! 🙏
Sincerely, a better person each day because of folks like you ❤
What's up Doc 😊
It's been hard to go through as a kid. I somehow knew something wasn't how it should be, but I seemed to be the only one who felt that way. Sibling still doesn't see it. Grandparents, uncles and aunt only did chitchat. Only one aunt gave some hints that were denied by my parents. Now at 42 and after therapy, no contact and having more 'normal' people around me, I'm getting more and more confident about how right my feelings always were. And that validation and realisation help in healing.
My daughter was gaslighted by my narc-ex to continue to demolish me, and she was in her 40's so there's no age limit to these tactics and their effects. She was being used as a narc flying monkey to continue to try and annihilate me, just as my narc-ex did. Thankfully she used his exact tactics and strategies which thankfully was easier to spot second time around. Sadly it worked, we've not spoken for 8+ years now but, again, thankfully she lives 220 miles away which is a blessing. Free at last!!! Hang on to your truth and your sanity at all cost folks. xxx Thanks Dr Ramani.
OMG Dr. Ramani!! I needed this video!! I am struggling in this department, among others, and I know I need to remove my daughter and myself from this situation but I am so codependent that I don't even know where to begin. What few little resources I HAD were stripped from me. I can't help but hold myself responsible for ALLOWING all of this shit. And that's all it ever was. Shit. But at the same time I am TRYING to learn how to be independent, he is constantly deploying his tactics creating roadblocks in every direction. On the outside looking in, it appears that I am the one who is causing the problems. At this point, I don't even care who is to blame because I know I am toxic as well. But I am aware of it and I am trying to heal from all of this. I thought I could heal in the midst of Hell. Boy, was I wrong!!! And now I don't have a pot to piss in OR a window to throw it out! Sorry for my descriptions, they could have e been way worse!! 🤣🤣 Anyhow, I am so grateful for all of your advice and for helping so many of us, especially those of us who are still "stuck". ❤
If I see an adult doing something wrong to a child or in front of a child I never sugarcoat it. I tell the child straight up that it's wrong. Adults would rather cover their shit than teach the child the right values. SMH.
Me, too.
You got me with the title... I clicked so quick
So much more information needs to be available on this topic… not only this, but how to support your child through the unmasking, too.
I think God sent me to your channel. I am so grateful. Thank you... So much love from Chanett, Denmark
I love everything about this! Thank you!!! About a month ago I heard a dad tell his daughter “you’re really bad at making decisions for yourself!” She looked 3-4 years old. I wanted to say something but couldn’t in the moment find the right words (and I’m an MFT). It was a family of 6 and I didn’t want to call it out in front of all 4 kids… I regret not saying anything though.
You’re saying something now. My Narc Dad still says I need him to make big decisions for myself and has enabled me all my life. The result has been a lifetime to overcome learned helplessness and self sabotage.
I’m a mother & grandmother now.
Narc parents don’t allow you autonomy or the differentiation to grow up.
Doctor Ramani. Our compassionate Indian psichologist! Muchas gracias !
I've always been told by people that my mother "loves me in her own way." I think they were trying to help, but all they did was validate HER, and lie to me in the process. She may "love" me in her own sick, twisted way, but that does not mean it's real love. And it certainly doesn't mean I have to respect her or love her back. Now that I'm older and I am in a better headspace, I just kinda feel sad for her. She's a miserable human being. She was abused and neglected too, but that doesn't undo all of the damage she did to me. Idk where I'm going with this other than don't tell kids that their parents love them when they're being abused. It doesn't help. It just gives them a messed up view of love.
I for one TOTALLY agree with you. There is NO excuse for treating a child like that. That’s exactly what this is an excuse. Telling a child their mother loves them in their own way is by no means love it’s an excuse others make so they do not have to step in & actually get their hands dirty knowing full well what your mom was doing was wrong. They are nothing but enablers & cowards.
@@denisem4575 A TRUTHFUL UNDERSTANDING .
Most children blame themselves in these situations when they’re is no validation or information. Sadly, family court puts protective parents in a catch 22.
So very true, and most counselors make things worse, but if you grab your children and run, even far ,far , away now you, the protector, becomes the criminal. There are no easy answers.
I witnessed my adult cousin do this to my nephew, and my boss’s wife did it to her children…Unbelievably sickening, devastating and absolutely appalling behaviour from fully grown adults. Thank you so much for this video ❤
I have watched countless videos of yours, many of them more than once. This could be the most significant. Thank you
Thank you for this video. As a mother I decided to be the one my children can come to. They can tell me everything they experience while with their father. I promised them it would stay with me, I would never forward anything back to their father. As we all know, it would only cause him to scold our children for telling on him, tell them to lie, keep secrets, or gaslight them even more by saying he never said/did that and they are liars.
This has been a game changer, since they now tell me everything. So I know everything and it gives me the opportunity to be there for them, taking about the behavior and supporting them in dealing with it.
I confirm them in their experience and reassure them it is not their fault for being treated that way. That no person should be treated that way. It also helps to set expectations before their visit with their father. Being prepared and knowing to not internalize what is being said to you, also helps them a lot. We can even make jokes about it, lighten it up a bit.
And since I am the legal decision maker, both children go to therapy. Where they can talk with someone who’s impartial.
Worst part of child gaslighting is the child becomes groomed for further abuse.
Thank you soooo much for this. I have been dealing with this in my family for years and it’s super disheartening. Doing what I can to be supportive and guide them to help. It’s been super hard on me cause it’s ruined my relationship with my brother and his wife, but my nephews are worth it. Thank you 😊
Thank you Doctor. We realized additional methods to validate realities. Sharing with us your personal experience as an adult in protecting your own children really provided a brilliant rendering of what, how, was, it all is; ongoing in everyday life. Taken to heart!
Oh! This is a Video much wanted and appreciated! Thank you so much. God bless your heart Dr Ramani.
This was such an amazing video. It is true that gaslighting in of itself forms part of emotional abuse, and can be particularly debilitating for children, especially if the source is a parent/s. We must be those eyes for children. Thank you for this, Dr. Ramani.❤
“That child will grow up into an adult that continues to blame themselves”
Doctor Ramani, you are absolutely amazing. I am so sorry you and then your children endured that. Thank you for making this video. Have tears coming for your children, and for little Ramani who went throuythat and still feels it. I'm so so sorry and wish there was a time machine or magic wand to change the past.
this is amazingly helpful Dr. Ramani. Thank you!
even adults are victims
This happens often when a child is alienated from the good parent. The narcissistic parent will do or say anything to get their child to side with them, love them only, while they alienate the good parent by badmouthing them, telling them lies, gaslighting them. This is a cause I really believe in and will dedicate the rest of my life exposing this deadly phenomenon.
Many many thanks for making this video. I have a very hard to deal with co parent that I carefully try to navigate. Since I have gotten out from under his control I can see how much his toxic behavior has been turned to our kids. It’s so disheartening to see and hear. I’m consistently telling the children that’s not how we treat ppl and it’s okay to cry and feel upset about names he called them or something mean he did to them.
This is such an important topic. I was very concerned about this when raising my sons and I think in my attempt to validate their experiences I probably made the error of coming off as not liking their dad so it wasn't always interpreted as support of them so much as a put down of their dad. This was frustrating for me especially because he was enabled literally by everyone else and there was no one else who knew what was going on. I didn't want my children to believe what was happening was either their fault or normal.
One of my favourite people in the world. You changed my life!
Thank you for this video Dr Ramani. Growing up I would wish there was just one person who... I didn't even know at the time exactly what it was I needed. Now I understand I just needed someone to see me and say "hey, there isn't anything wrong with you, it's not your fault". No one ever said it to me then, but I say it to myself now, and I will say it to any child or person that needs to hear it.
Oh, thank you so much. Thank you a million times, over. I'm so happy about this video.
We must also remember gaslit children will easily feel shame that the gaslighting made them look bad and we mustn't in anyway reinforce this. Assume they feel shame first before acting and handle this sensitively, otherwise the shame and gaslighting can easily be compounded.
I swear the topic of your videos come into my life when I need them most, my little girl had her first anxiety attack yesterday, I left my narcissistic ex last year and it has been really hard on her, thank you for all your help Dr Ramani.
Assure her its nothing to do with her.carry on good experiences together and avoid confrontations
@@collet214 thank you, that's what I do, she wakes up screaming looking for me at night and she told she has a hard time falling asleep when she is away, it's heartbreaking.
Must adults are incentivised to gaslight kids, because ungaslighting them would require getting them away from the abuser. It's alot easier and safer to help victimize one kid who has no options and no defenses than to prosecute the criminal.
Thank you for saying this because it’s something I thought of for a long time. It’s harder to actually help the child away from the abuser but easier to support the abuser.
I've observed my daughter and her partner gaslight their 2 young children/my grandchildren. It's so cruel. When I try to raise my concerns with this with them ( both, who I am sure are Narcs), they get angry, very angry with me. What about the children? Who can protect the children? Grandparents, we need help!🙏❤