Lana, whenever we are having a fight at times when I feel like I cannot communicate my messed up thoughts and emotions enough to be heard and understood, I just can’t help but to self-harm with cutter or scissors as if my wrist is a delicate paper. I just can’t stop it no matter how hard I try as I find it really addicting. Maybe this is how deeply attached I am to someone that I even let the depth of sadness become too familiar in my life and get used to it because I do not know who I am without it. Perhaps I am just a wandering sad soul deprived of happiness in this scary world.
I believed for a long time that what I feel for this person is true love, unconditional love. She blocked me and for 2.5 years I believed she would come back. So I did the no contact, no stalking thing for 2.5 years, waiting, but she never came. Then I said screw this I'm gonna check her socials (in a different account) and honestly... I'm so glad I did! Because only then I could realize that she is just not the person whom I believed her to be. Yes, the realization was shocking at first, but seeing what she had become made it easier for me to let her go. Now I still believe it was real love, but it was love for a past version of herself that don't exist anymore. I know about attachment styles, mine is (was) definitely an anxious one. These attachment styles stem from a childhood abandonment wound.
i met a girl at high school and we became very close for three years. in those years i couldn't do anything without her that make me feel boring and barely cared a lot abt other people than her. my self esteem was based on what she thinks of me and i got so anxious every time she leaves without me afraid she'll meet someone else and stop like me. when we stopped to talk i literally felt like i was living another life, that i was a diferent person. started to see my individuals needs and to be honest it's fun cause i have such low self esteem i've been in my life since she dumbed me.
@@milenis318 Basically this. When you get attached to an emotionally unavailable person, it's almost as if you become more dependent, because your needs are never met but you keep expecting that maybe one day they'll be compassionate enough to meet your needs. You keep trying, being the best friend/partner you can but it never gets reciprocated, so instead of focusing on yourself you focus on what could you have possibly done wrong that makes the other person not want be emotionally available to you. But being in a toxic relationship, it's not that you did something wrong to them, rather that's just the way they are, uncaring no matter how you treat them. On the other hand when you get attached to someone that meets your needs, you aren't constantly worrying about your needs, you can go out in the world and focus on your passions knowing that you have a solid foundation, a safety net. I've been through this. When I decided to let go of my toxic friends (one of them had ghosted me with no explanation) it was painful at the beginning but as days went by, I started to realize so many things, it was like if I had pitch black opaque shades on and then they fell off and I could finally see clearly that among other things, my needs were never being met and that was never going to change, and that I was invalidating my own needs to not make them feel uncomfortable. If you are in a friendship/relationship where you can't openly talk about your needs without the fear of getting judged, labeled and lectured with a lot of empty rationalizations about how you should be able to thrive living just like a robot, like a cold machine, then maybe you should look for new friends/partner, people that don't make you feel that you are less or broken for expressing your emotions.
I am 27 years old and never had a girlfriend. Because I bought this idea that I needed to love myself and be independant first before trying to find a someone. And I can confidently say that I destroyed a part of my life. I was only creating a comfort zone for not trying to be vulnerable in the eye of someone else. Feeling that much loneliness caused me alot of stress, overweigh, anxiety, disconnection to reality. And I guess alot of poeple and I, like this idea of being "a god without emotion" but it's merely an unrealistic desire to counteract our true nature.
A lot of people misunderstand the idea of independence, thinking it is to be cold and not vulnerable, to do it all on your own. If you are just acting independent and not enjoying it, you haven’t broken past the actual purpose of it, which is to craft maturity when handling situations. It doesn’t mean to be a Cold Lone Ranger never asking for help. One can be independent and be vulnerable in a relationship, it’s called inter-dependence. Too many little nuances to be generalised and covered through one word.
Brave comment! I think you are in a great place to work on being open about your feelings and struggles with everyone you meet not just partners. We know that being vulnerable is key for building strong bonds with people in your life, including friends and family. People appreciate you doing so they won't run! (If they run they are fucked hahah)
"The truth is, we will never create a really strong, secure connection if we do not allow our lovers to know us fully or if our lovers are unwilling to know us."
True. Real intimacy in a relationship is only possible when you're able to open to your partner with anything, any emotion and being fully accepted. Not necessarily understood by your partner but feeling seen, feeling your partner's compassion in a way instead of negatively reacting, telling you to "get your shit together", dismissing your emotions rather than honouring them. Very rarely we have couples these days that can do that.
I literally binge watch/listen to all your videos while working. Your voice has an amazingly calm, serene, focused, chill and loving sensation, perfect for people like me with "hyper focus"/"moody" working patterns to focus and complete their work. Kudos to your hard work Lana!
I've been always convincing myself that i don’t need anyone because i don’t want them to think that i need them but now I realize in this way I become dependent unconsiciously. You lighted me up.
I honestly think everyone should learn about attachment theories. It allowed me to be a bit more compassionate to myself and also understand others. I'm in a much healthier relationship now than what I was prior to learning about these theories. Great video lana!
I remember one time I told my friends that I wanted a boyfriend, I wanted someone to spend time with. My friend literally said “well I don’t need someone, I’m able to stand by myself, and be independent.” This made me feel so much shame for wanting a relationship. This video made me feel not so guilty and it’s ok so desire partnership. I like this video.
Of course it is ok to desire partnership. There’s a difference between want and need. And your friend wasn’t listening to you. You said it’s something you want, not need. And it’s something that is very human. There is no need to feel shame.
I’m a man and I don’t think either way, specifically. The whole “women are from Venus, men are from Mars” concept is a fallacy, based on sweeping generalisations and ridiculously binary.
I used to be that kind of person, who gets attached to people pretty quickly, thinking that they are the best people in the world, that if kept myself around these people my life would transform, etc. But in the reality, I was forgetting myself in that process. I was the one who text them in the first place, I was the one who seeks for their validation, even if I don't like it. I started expecting too much. In the end, when they left, I was the one who hurt. I became so negative in 2021, and as a result, I ended up losing, so many people from my life. Gradually I realized that I can't make everyone stay in my life. I can't force anyone. You may be the best person in the world for others, but if you are not getting along with me, you are not right for me, I understand this fact quite late. Now I no longer feel attached to them. It's good to connect with people, care about them, and appreciate them for the little things they bring in your life, but you must not compromise your mental health, in order to please someone. If a person cares about you, he or she will respect every aspect of your personality.
I am thankful for you mentioning the problem with the idea that you have to be completely independent, to have a healthy relationship. Many relationship coaches share this idea - often times without any critical differentiation. I myself always felt a kind of dissonance when confronted with this. I approach many problems with a philosophical, logical way and therefore constantly asked: Why should you go into a relationship in the first place, when you are completely independent and satisfied? With the years of experience and reflection, I started to come up with a rather pragmatic approach: Feel and accept your needs, but don't pressure anyone. It is a huge difference, when I communicate my needs in a relaxed manner, where the other person feels that their needs are just as important and that we both have the space to be ourselves and to grow. When you find someone with which you share the critical agreements and both have the maturity to patiently build up a healthy relationship, the needs of both will be met. In such a dyad there is not much reason for emotional starving. With most things it is a matter of balance.
I completely agree and relate. Lana's comment section is filled with insightful comments. If I'm COMPLETELY independent and happy on my own then why would I get into a relationship where I can be hurt? Too great a risk for too little reward. That's the risk of being too logical in love Ig. I've recently realized something. "being completely happy and satisfied without a relationship" is not needed as a requirement to have good relationship. But the ability to regulate and meet our own needs by ourselves and others (family and friends) to a certain extent is needed. Otherwise we'll put too much pressure on our SO who is also a human being, who also has needs. Relationship is essential, not a luxury.
I'm so glad you exist. I feel like you are so good at expressing personal things and I no longer feel like being stuck in confusion and doubt. Your videos make a huge impact on my life and I thank you for that! God Bless you, Lana! Will support you always!
Indeed, communication solves mostly a lot of the problems rather than putting expectations and waiting or acting upon the expectation. Thank you for sharing this.
Lana, listening to your thoughts and hearing your voice is like being in a dark, remote part of the world and experiencing the awe of the galaxy in the night sky…utterly memorizing. I am just a speck of stardust formed into a conscious being who is fortunate to experience someone who makes me feel connected to all of the beautiful chaos that surrounds you, me and everyone else on this tiny blue dot in the universe. You are wonderful.
When Lana said we have to be reliant on our loved ones to be independent, I think she is right. We need strong social support to feel safe and secure before be can be independent. However, I don't necessarily agree that we have to derive that independence from romantic partners, especially in the early stage of the relationship. It's not stable yet. Instead, we should first rely on safe, long term relationships like friends and family.
I think every truth has it's area of validity and it's limits..., at the begining, when we're kids we kinda feel like we'll need someone else..., but The multiplications of divorcés, unhappy and unlhealthy relationships, and how love can be heartbreaking sometimes, created these ideas of, i only need myself, which May truly be usuful, after à divorce for exemple..., but it's not the greatest way to find someone... So don't blâme yourself plz, u had at least half of the truth, and i'm sure even though what lana says is true, it's not miraculus either... Ps : sorry for my english
I'm 24 young men, and I struggle really with relationships and validation. You really helpt me today, to understand the subject a little more. Thank you, Lana. Greetings from Germany!😁
Thank you for this video. You’re the only one I’ve heard ever say this. I feel ruined by my failures and what society says you have to be as far as being the, “hard, independent, depend only on you” person that is supposed to make you a more attractive person. No. I’m 45 years old and haven’t been in a relationship in more than 10 years and it’s killing me. I’m a crazy successful person as far as career and life and I have no one to share it with. Nowadays if you express anything that you have shared here, you’re called a SIMP or weak. This is doing a lot of damage to us as people. Your message and what you are sharing here is what we need to get back to if we really connect the way we are supposed to. Thanks.
Ok interesting. This sort of confirms what my intuition has been telling me all along, despite all this clamoring for "being complete on your own", being independent and aloof and not needing anybody. As someone who did not have a safe space while growing up, I have longed for this kind of thing ever since I can remember. This need was preyed upon by various probably narcissistic people in different times of my life. Also, ever since I started getting deeply involved with Buddhistic teachings and non duality, the boundary we draw between ourselves and everything else seems more and more arbitrary and artificial. You do not end where the body ends, everything from your surroundings to your friends acquaintances forms an intricately connected web. Everything depends on everything else. Excited for part two, keep it coming!
This is really comforting to know. I've always been afraid of coming across as needy, so I've ignored the fact that my needs aren't met. My partner kept telling me he wished I was more independent, and so I really thought any level of dependence on him was not healthy. But this video has reassured me that my natural inclinations are completely natural. I regret not communicating my needs earlier in the relationship, regardless of what my partner's reaction would be. I was so focused on not appearing needy, that I forgot to ask whether I'm even happy in a relationship where my needs aren't met.
I am studying to be a CPS worker and attachment is one of the things we learn about in developmental psychology. The reason being that our attachment style is mainly determined by our experiences with our main caretakers from birth until 4-5 years of age. I definitely agree that understanding your attachment style can help you greatly to navigate your relationships, romantic or otherwise.
Thank you so much for this video. People saying they don't need someone always makes me feel bad for wanting one, like I'm just weak and can't be self-sufficient
Thank you so much for this video! My codependency journey has been one of the toughest battles in my life leaving me with a lot of shame and guilt leaving me thinking that maybe is best not to date as I can't have "healthy bonds" with people All of these videos help me to understand myself better why am I the way I am, how can I look for better potential partners and how communication is key.
I am struggling with the anxiety of being too dependent on an other person every time when dating someone. Especially today I was feeling miserable and was constantly asking myself whether I was overreacting and expecting ,,too many” things from a certain person. But your video really helped me to feel better, to decide what I need to feel valued and whether the person is the ,,right” one for me or not Thank you so much!
aaron doughtyHi sweetheart I have got my broken relationship fixed with the help this great Relationship Dr WITCHY who brought my partner Back in 48 hours after 8 months of separation🥰😍
Thank you Lana for sharing. I know that I have struggled for years trying to balance my self sufficient independence with my desire to share my life and time with someone special. And it's when I am alone, surfing IG, and everyone is telling me 'Be strong!, be independent!, don't rely on another person, for anything!, you don't need anyone!, learn to live alone', that I find myself becoming more anxious and depressed thinking, Oh My, somethings wrong with me?!?! It's nice to see a video that tells me I am fine, normal and not 'Needy', I am human and it's ok to feel as I do. I am looking forward to your next video in this series.
You just never miss. I’ve been wrestling with this idea a lot recently and the past few days really getting into attachment styles and need for independence. You just always capture what I’m going thru
This was spot on! Attatchment styles and their understanding can change your life in so many ways, and can help you understand life through many different lenses. Truly life changing! I advise anyone to enrol in Thais Gibson's attatchment courses, they really changed my life. Everyone has something to work on and these courses are superb and you will see a massive difference in every aspect of your life
Throughout my life, I've always felt like love isn't something that I'm meant to have. All of my experiences throughout my life primarily consists of people I don't socially mesh with (for some weird reason the people I do socially mesh with are taken or there's some other reason where a relationship wouldn't work), getting taken advantage of (literally most of my high school experience), or my insecurities telling me that it's too good to be true and I cut contact (if that makes any sense).
This is the video I didn't knew I needed. I would like to share a thing about my life on relationships. Even though I am only 18 years old, which is quite less for the thing I am going to write. So after my relationship of 3 years failed, I completely hated the feeling of LOVE. I never really wanted to be loved by a "guy" specifically. I hated the thought of marriage, true love & having someone special in my life. I had no expectations for love anymore. (yes the stupid immature thoughts) Cut to the present, I am with a person of my age, We have been spending time since 4 months & I can't describe how beautiful life seems to be. It doesn't mean I wasn't happy alone. I was very peaceful being alone too & I always had the thought that I just wanted to be INDEPENDENT & never fall in love, because love makes you weak (yes again my poor thoughts). I never really knew the feeling of LOVE could also be very positive & happy. So going to coaching together, going cycling, going together to drink our favorite cold coffee, enjoying in the rain, waiting for him & when he waits for me. Knowing that a person would do absolutely anything to bring a smile. All of these moments make me feel very blessed & complete. Living life with somebody else is so fulfilling & lovely. This age is never going to come back, and these days are never going to come back, I am so grateful to meet him & live my days with more happiness. Love is a great & very pure feeling. I want everyone to experience days like this. I thank you Miss LANA, for this great video. This really opened my mind & changed my perspective on the misconception I have always had about Love & falling in love. We need more people like you.
Love are psychological processes derived from evolution, that is why you are feeling this way and there is nothing more to it although preferably you would also have children.
@@mahako_ the emotions you are going through, first rejecting love and then now as you are growing older, finding it again. This is a predetermined psychological process which has its origin in evolution. We are animals and from the perspective of evolution we exist to procreate (have children) thus the emotions you are having about love, you'll probably "want" children in the future too for this same reason.
It's beautiful, To have someone to tell whenever your feelings step out of the normal zone. It's not that we can't be independent. It's just that when you have someone it's easier.... Stronger together... *Completely different personalities,yet a bond like this can keep you together. And the word for it is just, beautiful. It's human nature*
I really love attachment theory, it helped me realize that just because I prefer a certain way of commutation and showing love, it doesn’t mean everyone else does it the same way. It me see why problems may happen in relationships even the non passionate ones. And that we really need to be more understanding and accepting of others.
People kept telling me that a healthy relationship is where there are no expectations. I have always questioned that notion because why would I be in a relationship in the first place if I know that I shouldn't rely on my partner ever? I am beginning to accept that there is not cookie cutter answer to this because peoples needs are a whole spectrum It's much more about being able exist in the grey area and learning about what works for us and what doesn't. This video put me at ease because I know I'm not alone with this argument. Thank you.
Thank you for this video Lana, we never take the time to appreciate being dependent on a person, and when suddenly that person disappears, we notice how attached we were to that person
This is some good advice. I think the more we allow ourselves to be vulnerable the deeper the other person falls in love. I know this because that’s the exact reason why I love my husband ✨
I have being learning about attachment lately and I have been loving. What I have learnt is I'm not ready for a relationship until I'm done with myself.
Hi sweetheart I have got my broken relationship fixed with the help this great Relationship Dr WITCHY who brought my partner Back in 48 hours after 8 months of separation🥰😍
Through years of meditation and spirituality I've gotten rid of my desires. Knowing between the differences between desires and needs; realizing the amount of things you'll actually care is close to none. That which you're not committed to, you'll never attach and that which you have no desire of, you'll never commit.
She just gave the definition of the “society love”, simple mutual benefits relationship disguised in “Love”. So basically here if there’s no more benefits in the relationship for them, love do not exist anymore, while Love is something unconditional, infinite, unique, really rare, for life and just magical.
If love is unconditional then why people breakup with each other? Why divorce happens? Why parents left their kids at a young age? Why siblings get apart from each other? Why amber heard and Johnny deep got divorced?? Because Love is never permanent dude........ Sorry to break it you but "Love" ain't unconditional. Your definition of love is simply the unrealistic, non existent that Hollywood tries to portray........... Real love is where both you and your partner grow together in this journey called LIFE.
@@makizenin1840 Not every couple break up or divorce. Not every parent leave their children behind. That being said, unconditional love is very rare. Not common.
Hey Lana. I am mostly free of codependency. I have seen it countless times in others and I have seen them come to ruin. As human being it is my (and that of all human beings) reson d’antre to evolve beyond the simple, primitive instincts, but rise above with love. I understand your reference to the needs as human beings to be understood and supported by our lover. However, our journey is ours and only ours. So many beautiful human beings have loved me as I have them. Mostly they provide lessons that we can, eyes and hearts open, learn from. And love (a detached love, the purest of all) intact, we move in and out of another’s lives. Relationships do not end, they simply change context. And we learn from these experiences founded on love.
Hey, just want to leave this comment here, this is the second video that appears to me from your channel, and I'm absolutely stunned in how your content got to be so good and well done! For the first time I really felt like "someone is talking about what I think and feel" and having this felt really good and comforting. Btw all the aspects of the video are very pleasent too: from writing and filming to your voice. I'm loving your channel and definitely am staying for more of your content. Loved the video.
This is profound. People who are loved well, are people who have secure, stable, healthy and supportive friendships. They genuinely trust people to be there for them because their emotional needs have been met, since forever. They also have time to reflect, introspect, venture out and take opportunities, because they have a solid base. They perform better in school and they are less stressed at work. But people who have been backstabbed a lot or have not had their emotional needs met, are anxious, insecure, mistrustful and act out. They treat others how they have been mistreated. They either do well, to fill a void or they do not do well in school and work. Independence stemming from lack of trust and lack of having emotional needs met, is different from independence that stems from having one’s emotional needs met. The difference is obvious. If the person is angry, anxious, mistrustful, stressed, controlling and micro managing, the person obviously hasn’t had their emotional needs met. If the person is encouraging, helpful, positive, happy, supportive, delegates, not controlling and gives you room to breathe, they obviously have their emotional needs met. I’ve always said that people who have been single for years or act out, are people who have deep emotional and/or psychological issues. They’re too busy displaying how disturbed they are and how unmet their emotional needs are. They don’t have time to be better or excel in any field, because they’re not happy in their private lives. Their unmet emotional needs, baggage and trauma limits them from doing better and surpassing their own level of success, even if they have had success in certain areas.
That hit the nail right on the head. Dependency leads to Independence very strong statement because two people should bring the best out of one another
There are many nuances here to be effectively covered just by one word - dependence. Easily many co-dependent or immature people may use this video as an excuse, or generalise the meaning of codependency and attachment. It still stands that a person needs to fulfil their own needs WITHOUT the expectation, and with gratitude when another offers their help. Rather than saying codependency vs independence, what’s needed is a basic level of maturity. And thus, what is meant by healthy co-existence is interdependence, NOT codependence.
Lana just today I was searching for videos on how to remain calm and I watched one of your videos and I just want to tell you that you have helped me so much in my life and you don’t even know, I am grateful, keep up the good work. love you always ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks for introducing me to this book! Currently reading it right now and it provides insights to me and my current relationship. For some reason gives me sense of relief and security in my turbulence on my relationship
you know, i find it funny that i had this in my mind for a long time now. My sister has told me soo much about how our family is very co-dependent & it is due to not expressing what they think or feel often. They usually avoided topics or calmly clashing. Now, my sister & i are working hard to be independent & striving to be on our own but, deep down i knew that being completely independent is hard because its in our DNA to socialize & rely on eachother. That's why kids have this energy & thought process where they can take on the world, it's because they loving parents or other loved ones that have ther back & can depend on if things go south Communication is key once again
"Is it even possible to remain independent in a relationship? And if so, is that a desirable goal?" Amazing video! I think more people should talk about these topics because we're living in an age where "being independent" is becoming more and more the standard for "socially acceptable". People are working on themselves too much. That's not a totally bad thing, of course. But I think more should be being taught about working on our relationships with others. Also, I said this someplace else, but I'll say it again here. If you're trying to be independent and reliable, it means you're acknowledging the fact people will depend on and rely on you. And you should also allow yourself to be that person sometimes
I had this cartoon idea: two gravestones that read: "Hold on, you don't want to come across as desperate!" The point: two people that liked each other from a distance died alone after having spent their lives playing the lurking game instead of just going for it.
I am so glad that TH-cam is recommending this to me. TH-cam bas been recently only recommending me videos that are really changing my perspective on stuff and presenting them in a good light. Thank you for this. :)
Hi sweetheart I have got my broken relationship fixed with the help this great Relationship Dr WITCHY who brought my partner Back in 48 hours after 8 months of separation🥰😍
Thank you for making this, Lana. Everyone can really learn and benefit a lot from this single video. This video has helped me so much than from the books and quotes I have read. I always find your videos helpful. Thank you again.
Without question, anxious is the core of me. Fear of everything that could go wrong not just in relationships but in all aspects of my life. That being said, there are pieces of both secure and avoidant that are part of who I am as well. I keep these things to myself and deal with them internally and I avoid many situations because of irrational fears that make little to no sense to have given what I have already accomplished. Yet, I did have a very good upbringing and family. But in the social settings outside of my home, I often felt on the receiving end of an avoidant experience. Life in the real world and the life in the bubble of your home gives you can be very contrasting indeed. I see the anxious style as the constant, but I see the desire for companionship as a function of my stable and nurturing upbringing (secure) at the same time as my drive to avoid risk at all costs (avoidance). These two things are at odds with each other. Basically, a person in this state of mind is in a position where they want something more but are too afraid to take the plunge. This, in turn, raises the question "Does such a person even deserve it?" As a civilization, the west feels so entitled to things that they never even ask such a question. They just blame the rest of the world, never take responsibility, and just hope the rest works itself out magically. Naive. On the topic of codependency, it is important to differentiate between one's own identity and the relationship. The relationship you build together is an idea that both of you (hopefully) are very much on board with. It gets dangerous though when the relationship BECOMES your identity. It can destroy you, and that thought further feeds into the anxious style. Make no mistake though, these things are caused by us. We make our beds and we must lie in them. The only part that grinds my gears is when people make their beds and then look at you like you're the reason their bed is made. And so, they refuse responsibility, expect the positive outcomes as if they DID take responsibility, and refuse to lie in it. That's my take
Im just writing it as a note to myself , so this has helped me understand why my relationship got worse and had to separate . At the time my SO was tired of my communication style , how i was not being present when needed while at that time it was her codependency ( whenever i write in here about co dependency I don't mean it in wrong way ) and being my love language of reassurance which was countered so i was independent on my own . on being tired of my style she started to taking back her effort which made me feel insecure and built my codependency on her and i started giving her time and effort which was her love language . she started feeling independent and at this time in that independence , she started feeling free and good . But since carrying the idea of being tired from me , she in that state started giving effort to take her out of relationship . Being feeling secure and everything so it was easy for her to work outside relationship in that state, and which kept making me feel more of insecure and I tried giving more of what she always asked me of , which again made her feel more independent that she can go without me . So at that point she made a choice to leave me . Now I see this attachment styles as more of a pointer like when to work on problems and making it feel secure by communicating better and giving care in that moment than leaving away . At this time most of relationship gurus give advices of taking away , no contact and all that sort of stuff , more into taking away love language they need from you , which is more of powerplay ( a very negative thing to be doing in a relationship , just my opinion). So the other person recognises their codependence on them and turn back again into the relationship . Rather than time should be taken to build a secure relationship , where that power is shared and trusted that other person wont leave even when given all the power to do so . Which in turn builds the stronger trust that your SO is going to be there in times of need . Mistakes were made , what i believe is even i abused my power at times like when feeling secure than sort of didn't gave back more ( more because I was in power to do so and still didn't took steps to understand it , like lazing around in comfort area ) which should have been done by me and that is the learning and regret I got from here . and that was time i was amateur and not aware about these things , so mistakes were made and wont make the same ...... a chance to correct the mistakes will be there
i've had some beliefs for years and some developed recently only. i soo feel they're molded to a better shape now. not just love-life related, but so much of other stuff that i feel to be dealing with rn.
This came in the right time, my boyfriend just broke up with me, before him I was so fine on my own, needed no one, but he was the avoidant type and i became more and more anxious, the secure me disappeared, idk how he could've change me so much but even though he didnt want to, i think, he was very toxic, avoidants are veeery hard to deal with even though you are secure.
I was anxious then i healed myself and was comfortable alone but open to being vulnerable and to be in a relationship. I met someone five months ago that I deeply fell in love with. We had to break up because he has severe unhealded trauma that would have been fatal for me to deal with as I was in an abusive relationship before. Now that I am alone again I'm back to my anxious self. I am sure I'll get better eventually but It sucks when you're confronted with things you thought you worked through/got rid of.
@@victoriansteam1562 yea i know my ex bf was kinda traumatized as well and lately you could see the pattern in his behaviour and he wasnt himself and brought that trauma into the relationship which was not good at all for me, kinda lucky he got the courage to break up because i wouldn't do it, he was my first so it was very hard for me to do it, but we gotta move on and try to be ok again
@@cici9074 yeah moving on is hard especially if it's not because you don't love each other or because of something you can't change. We will get better eventually and I like the thought that the person it didn't work out with is not there anymore because someone else belongs in that spot who is better for us ❤️
@@cici9074 yeah moving on is hard especially if it's not because you don't love each other or because of something you can't change. We will get better eventually and I like the thought that the person it didn't work out with is not there anymore because someone else belongs in that spot who is better for us ❤️
Wow this video comes right at a perfect time. I'm in my early 20s and fresh into my first relationship. The only Person I really have for comparison is my best friend, who is very independent and fulfills all this stuff about you and your Partner being 2 complete different beings and being completely independent. I, however, am rather dependent on my Partner and he has a big influence on me and while I actually don't find this problematic, just how different my best friend is and all those modern relationship advices made me feel so insecure and if I am too dependent and whether this will cause Problems and hold me back. But this video and the biology makes so much sense for me and my relationship. It really helped me. Thank you so much.
Same issue here - outsiders preaching individual independence and shaming yin Yang dependency and throwing labels of codependency. This video clarifies a lot on where the term came from and how it evolved to effectively be a wrong way of looking at relationships. It’s effective or ineffective dependency - and never this ridiculous term of codependency.
As a young man, orphan and INFJ. working to build a good career and take care of my sibs and mom. I always neglect or try to avoid depending on someone. Perticular when it's a girl. It's not because I'm afraid or something. It's only because of whether they can be a long term partner or not. Obviously I don't have the time and energy to deal with another heart break after I've moved on and am doing significantly well. It's understandable how partners or family members affect the environment of our home, in the end it's us who allow them to do it. Why shouldn't we do it? They do the same. Waiting for part 2. I also noticed you have such beautiful brown eyes.
Brilliant synopsis! Very well interpreted and explained. Very good points; I've so struggled in relationships around the issue of togetherness versus personal space, depending or relying on the other versus self-reliance, etc. I agree that it's a myth that "enlightened people" can coexist in a relationship without ever really needing the other. Once you are deep into a relationship, you are inevitably interdependent and should be, or else it's really not a relationship, but a detached and fragile and ambiguous forever never fully defined relationship. I agree it's in our biological nature to become dependent to some healthy degree on another, and that's good for us spiritually and emotionally, and can even provide the secure base in which to branch out in ways we might not have otherwise (as you talked about). Having said all this, obviously there's a huge range of levels of healthy interdependence depending on the personalities involved. And two people might be very different in this way, and that can create tremendous conflict no matter how much effort to make it work. As you said, you have to honestly assess whether this person can meet your needs, assuming you are not expecting too much from them because you never got those needs met early in life. But l do believe we should never give up on finding another and trying again, as we become wiser, even if we feeling like hamburger after a loss. Our being is innately able to heal and get ready for something new.
Feeling like you're constantly overlooked can make us question our worthiness Your worth can never be determined by someone else, People not giving you the credit that deserve is always their loss. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone.
I can so relate. Being in a relationship where I'm overlooked is much more painful than being alone. If I'm even more sad when I'm in that relationship then why stay? I also felt so seen when Lana said that when we have a secure base and a safe heaven, we become more independent because that's my experience.
I think one of the reason being people are listening to u is A u r beautiful not only from outside which u r but from from ur thoughts also. B one can learn English 💯 and u being the biggest motivation..
You have this method that amazes me as a viewer and makes me continue to learn from what you provide, I loved the way of presentation and photography, it is completely different. Thank you keep it up 👍🏻
you gave me a lot to think about Lana. as you usually do! definitely going to read the book wish you'd write your own book. i'll be the first to pre-order it no matter what it was about
Hi Lana. I really appreciate your explanation into the heart and the psyche. And that you cite your reference material. It would be so cool to talk with you about the many subjects you discuss. You’re an insightful, luminous and clear human being.
Lana, thank you for the message on this video. I've just gone through a situation that was somewhat difficult to overcome, despite being very rational about I was still suffering a bit, but this video really helped me. I'm very grateful for that. Keep doing these videos. You're talented and the world's needs more of it. Hugs from Brazil
This video is so relatable, can't wait for the next part. I have had these and similar questions for so long and always struggled with finding an answer. Thank you for making these videos.
I don't know if I agree with this. One of the things that bothered me about my previous relationship is that she felt the need to do everything together. She liked going for aimless drives (I don't) but if I didn't go with her, she wouldn't want to go, preventing her needs from being met. Is it my responsibility to give my time to ensure her needs are being met when there are other things I would like to do with my time to meet my own needs. Or even more mundane things like doing chores, we need to go shopping and run some other errands, is it not better for one of us to go do one the shopping and for the other to do the other errand. Then we can save time, and come together afterwards to spend time together instead of wasting time doing prolonged errands together. I dunno, just a thought I had.
Love this SO much! It's been a long time I've seen such a Hugh quality and impactful video on this platform. I'm excited for the upcoming parts! Thank you
Great video! I have often thought the co-dependency view wasn't right. It's refreshing to hear someone put into words and clarify a belief you have but haven't reasoned why you have that belief. It's a little like the view you should never want or try to change someone you are in a relationship with. In reality, we all do it to some degree, and it can often be for the benefit of our partners, like encouraging them to stop smoking. It all depends on how much you are trying to change them and why. I look forward to part 2
Who would not want to be with you? I just accept people as they are. I don't get along with everyone and that's okay. I get along with a lot of people. Allways be positive and enjoy life even if you are physically disabled. You personality is great.
Hi, im so happy u just uploaded a video. I'm not really someone who watches all of ur videos or follows u but i do remember having watched some and listening to some. Today like an hourish ago i was procrastinating doing anything, and ive been doing that for the past whole week and i rreeally had to clean the house and take a shower. But i for some reason couldnt get myself to do so. Than i thought maybe i can listen to someone while attempting to clean, and i searched up "best podcasts for when u feel alone" and one of ur old videos popped up. I started watching it and in 2 secs i looked u up on Spotify. And im so glad i did, i just finished cleaning the house and u were there along with me while doing so, and listening to you felt very comforting it was almost like talking with myself but it was all coming through someone elses mind and voice. Felt like building a connection with a stranger who doesn't even know my existence nor who knows im listening to her. But im really glad i did and i wanted to thank u for that hoping this can make ur heart feel warm and put a smile on ur face
Well, yes of course, that's why we crave community .. Whether that's feeling secure with a parent, a partner, friends etc .. Human beings crave belonging and to try to deny that will leave you feeling unfulfilled. It's okay to need people, we are not islands 💙✨ Not to be clingy or anything but to allow people into your life - especially the people to understand and connect deeply to your love language.
love her review mindset, see though conditions have biases and there are conditions within peoples conditions which makes things complicated as 2 people always want 2 different things yet share same goals in life, human mindset complexity and human spirit is beyond us but the intent is always clear if people pay attention.
Please share your experience with codependency.
Lana, whenever we are having a fight at times when I feel like I cannot communicate my messed up thoughts and emotions enough to be heard and understood, I just can’t help but to self-harm with cutter or scissors as if my wrist is a delicate paper. I just can’t stop it no matter how hard I try as I find it really addicting. Maybe this is how deeply attached I am to someone that I even let the depth of sadness become too familiar in my life and get used to it because I do not know who I am without it. Perhaps I am just a wandering sad soul deprived of happiness in this scary world.
Every Sunday i am codependent on Lana’s uploads. 😢
I believed for a long time that what I feel for this person is true love, unconditional love. She blocked me and for 2.5 years I believed she would come back. So I did the no contact, no stalking thing for 2.5 years, waiting, but she never came. Then I said screw this I'm gonna check her socials (in a different account) and honestly... I'm so glad I did! Because only then I could realize that she is just not the person whom I believed her to be. Yes, the realization was shocking at first, but seeing what she had become made it easier for me to let her go. Now I still believe it was real love, but it was love for a past version of herself that don't exist anymore. I know about attachment styles, mine is (was) definitely an anxious one. These attachment styles stem from a childhood abandonment wound.
i met a girl at high school and we became very close for three years. in those years i couldn't do anything without her that make me feel boring and barely cared a lot abt other people than her. my self esteem was based on what she thinks of me and i got so anxious every time she leaves without me afraid she'll meet someone else and stop like me. when we stopped to talk i literally felt like i was living another life, that i was a diferent person. started to see my individuals needs and to be honest it's fun cause i have such low self esteem i've been in my life since she dumbed me.
@@milenis318 Basically this. When you get attached to an emotionally unavailable person, it's almost as if you become more dependent, because your needs are never met but you keep expecting that maybe one day they'll be compassionate enough to meet your needs. You keep trying, being the best friend/partner you can but it never gets reciprocated, so instead of focusing on yourself you focus on what could you have possibly done wrong that makes the other person not want be emotionally available to you. But being in a toxic relationship, it's not that you did something wrong to them, rather that's just the way they are, uncaring no matter how you treat them.
On the other hand when you get attached to someone that meets your needs, you aren't constantly worrying about your needs, you can go out in the world and focus on your passions knowing that you have a solid foundation, a safety net.
I've been through this. When I decided to let go of my toxic friends (one of them had ghosted me with no explanation) it was painful at the beginning but as days went by, I started to realize so many things, it was like if I had pitch black opaque shades on and then they fell off and I could finally see clearly that among other things, my needs were never being met and that was never going to change, and that I was invalidating my own needs to not make them feel uncomfortable.
If you are in a friendship/relationship where you can't openly talk about your needs without the fear of getting judged, labeled and lectured with a lot of empty rationalizations about how you should be able to thrive living just like a robot, like a cold machine, then maybe you should look for new friends/partner, people that don't make you feel that you are less or broken for expressing your emotions.
Once I read "hyper-independece is a trauma response" and it stuck with me for YEARS
She look like Jessi's gf
Well yes it’s the avoidant way - most often people go from dependency to this cause codependency and narcissism are two sides of the same coin 🪙
more like oxytocin
YESSSS
When you have someone to depend on, you feel comfortable being more independent
I am 27 years old and never had a girlfriend.
Because I bought this idea that I needed to love myself and be independant first before trying to find a someone.
And I can confidently say that I destroyed a part of my life.
I was only creating a comfort zone for not trying to be vulnerable in the eye of someone else.
Feeling that much loneliness caused me alot of stress, overweigh, anxiety, disconnection to reality.
And I guess alot of poeple and I, like this idea of being "a god without emotion" but it's merely an unrealistic desire to counteract our true nature.
Welp I felt that. I just realized it lately that its literally a comfort zone and being vulnerable shows you how beautiful relationships can be.
A lot of people misunderstand the idea of independence, thinking it is to be cold and not vulnerable, to do it all on your own. If you are just acting independent and not enjoying it, you haven’t broken past the actual purpose of it, which is to craft maturity when handling situations. It doesn’t mean to be a Cold Lone Ranger never asking for help. One can be independent and be vulnerable in a relationship, it’s called inter-dependence. Too many little nuances to be generalised and covered through one word.
I appreciate your comment.
F*** all that, watch Wheat Waffles.
Brave comment! I think you are in a great place to work on being open about your feelings and struggles with everyone you meet not just partners. We know that being vulnerable is key for building strong bonds with people in your life, including friends and family. People appreciate you doing so they won't run! (If they run they are fucked hahah)
"The truth is, we will never create a really strong, secure connection if we do not allow our lovers to know us fully or if our lovers are unwilling to know us."
That's true. Love is something for the brave.
True. Real intimacy in a relationship is only possible when you're able to open to your partner with anything, any emotion and being fully accepted. Not necessarily understood by your partner but feeling seen, feeling your partner's compassion in a way instead of negatively reacting, telling you to "get your shit together", dismissing your emotions rather than honouring them. Very rarely we have couples these days that can do that.
I literally binge watch/listen to all your videos while working. Your voice has an amazingly calm, serene, focused, chill and loving sensation, perfect for people like me with "hyper focus"/"moody" working patterns to focus and complete their work. Kudos to your hard work Lana!
Thanks a lot! :)
I've been always convincing myself that i don’t need anyone because i don’t want them to think that i need them but now I realize in this way I become dependent unconsiciously. You lighted me up.
I honestly think everyone should learn about attachment theories. It allowed me to be a bit more compassionate to myself and also understand others. I'm in a much healthier relationship now than what I was prior to learning about these theories. Great video lana!
What attachment style do you have?
Your channel is so cute Rhiane, i love the content !!
I remember one time I told my friends that I wanted a boyfriend, I wanted someone to spend time with. My friend literally said “well I don’t need someone, I’m able to stand by myself, and be independent.”
This made me feel so much shame for wanting a relationship. This video made me feel not so guilty and it’s ok so desire partnership.
I like this video.
Was you friend a man? If so, that’s how men are. If your friend was a female it’s bc she was once co dependant(stage 5 clinger)
Of course it is ok to desire partnership. There’s a difference between want and need. And your friend wasn’t listening to you. You said it’s something you want, not need. And it’s something that is very human.
There is no need to feel shame.
I’m a man and I don’t think either way, specifically. The whole “women are from Venus, men are from Mars” concept is a fallacy, based on sweeping generalisations and ridiculously binary.
@@elhorrendo7026 if you believe in god life is binary
@@elhorrendo7026 even belief is binary. You believe that its not binary and I do. So inherently there is right and wrong in this reality.
I used to be that kind of person, who gets attached to people pretty quickly, thinking that they are the best people in the world, that if kept myself around these people my life would transform, etc. But in the reality, I was forgetting myself in that process. I was the one who text them in the first place, I was the one who seeks for their validation, even if I don't like it. I started expecting too much. In the end, when they left, I was the one who hurt. I became so negative in 2021, and as a result, I ended up losing, so many people from my life. Gradually I realized that I can't make everyone stay in my life. I can't force anyone. You may be the best person in the world for others, but if you are not getting along with me, you are not right for me, I understand this fact quite late. Now I no longer feel attached to them. It's good to connect with people, care about them, and appreciate them for the little things they bring in your life, but you must not compromise your mental health, in order to please someone. If a person cares about you, he or she will respect every aspect of your personality.
I am thankful for you mentioning the problem with the idea that you have to be completely independent, to have a healthy relationship. Many relationship coaches share this idea - often times without any critical differentiation. I myself always felt a kind of dissonance when confronted with this. I approach many problems with a philosophical, logical way and therefore constantly asked: Why should you go into a relationship in the first place, when you are completely independent and satisfied? With the years of experience and reflection, I started to come up with a rather pragmatic approach: Feel and accept your needs, but don't pressure anyone. It is a huge difference, when I communicate my needs in a relaxed manner, where the other person feels that their needs are just as important and that we both have the space to be ourselves and to grow. When you find someone with which you share the critical agreements and both have the maturity to patiently build up a healthy relationship, the needs of both will be met. In such a dyad there is not much reason for emotional starving. With most things it is a matter of balance.
I completely agree and relate. Lana's comment section is filled with insightful comments.
If I'm COMPLETELY independent and happy on my own then why would I get into a relationship where I can be hurt? Too great a risk for too little reward. That's the risk of being too logical in love Ig.
I've recently realized something. "being completely happy and satisfied without a relationship" is not needed as a requirement to have good relationship. But the ability to regulate and meet our own needs by ourselves and others (family and friends) to a certain extent is needed. Otherwise we'll put too much pressure on our SO who is also a human being, who also has needs. Relationship is essential, not a luxury.
I'm so glad you exist. I feel like you are so good at expressing personal things and I no longer feel like being stuck in confusion and doubt. Your videos make a huge impact on my life and I thank you for that! God Bless you, Lana! Will support you always!
Indeed, communication solves mostly a lot of the problems rather than putting expectations and waiting or acting upon the expectation.
Thank you for sharing this.
Lana, listening to your thoughts and hearing your voice is like being in a dark, remote part of the world and experiencing the awe of the galaxy in the night sky…utterly memorizing. I am just a speck of stardust formed into a conscious being who is fortunate to experience someone who makes me feel connected to all of the beautiful chaos that surrounds you, me and everyone else on this tiny blue dot in the universe. You are wonderful.
When Lana said we have to be reliant on our loved ones to be independent, I think she is right. We need strong social support to feel safe and secure before be can be independent. However, I don't necessarily agree that we have to derive that independence from romantic partners, especially in the early stage of the relationship. It's not stable yet. Instead, we should first rely on safe, long term relationships like friends and family.
I literally needed to hear this 40 years ago. Oh well. Next life, I'll be ready.
I think every truth has it's area of validity and it's limits..., at the begining, when we're kids we kinda feel like we'll need someone else..., but The multiplications of divorcés, unhappy and unlhealthy relationships, and how love can be heartbreaking sometimes, created these ideas of, i only need myself, which May truly be usuful, after à divorce for exemple..., but it's not the greatest way to find someone...
So don't blâme yourself plz, u had at least half of the truth, and i'm sure even though what lana says is true, it's not miraculus either...
Ps : sorry for my english
Haven’t been here in about a year but wow your looking radiant, keep doing whatever your doing Lana best of luck
I'm 24 young men, and I struggle really with relationships and validation. You really helpt me today, to understand the subject a little more. Thank you, Lana. Greetings from Germany!😁
Can’t wait for part 2, this video was amazing it cleared up so many things about misunderstandings around dependency and attachment styles. ❤️
Thank you for this video. You’re the only one I’ve heard ever say this. I feel ruined by my failures and what society says you have to be as far as being the, “hard, independent, depend only on you” person that is supposed to make you a more attractive person. No. I’m 45 years old and haven’t been in a relationship in more than 10 years and it’s killing me. I’m a crazy successful person as far as career and life and I have no one to share it with. Nowadays if you express anything that you have shared here, you’re called a SIMP or weak. This is doing a lot of damage to us as people. Your message and what you are sharing here is what we need to get back to if we really connect the way we are supposed to. Thanks.
Ok interesting. This sort of confirms what my intuition has been telling me all along, despite all this clamoring for "being complete on your own", being independent and aloof and not needing anybody. As someone who did not have a safe space while growing up, I have longed for this kind of thing ever since I can remember. This need was preyed upon by various probably narcissistic people in different times of my life.
Also, ever since I started getting deeply involved with Buddhistic teachings and non duality, the boundary we draw between ourselves and everything else seems more and more arbitrary and artificial. You do not end where the body ends, everything from your surroundings to your friends acquaintances forms an intricately connected web. Everything depends on everything else.
Excited for part two, keep it coming!
This is really comforting to know. I've always been afraid of coming across as needy, so I've ignored the fact that my needs aren't met. My partner kept telling me he wished I was more independent, and so I really thought any level of dependence on him was not healthy. But this video has reassured me that my natural inclinations are completely natural. I regret not communicating my needs earlier in the relationship, regardless of what my partner's reaction would be. I was so focused on not appearing needy, that I forgot to ask whether I'm even happy in a relationship where my needs aren't met.
Yes ❤ are your needs getting met now?
I am studying to be a CPS worker and attachment is one of the things we learn about in developmental psychology. The reason being that our attachment style is mainly determined by our experiences with our main caretakers from birth until 4-5 years of age. I definitely agree that understanding your attachment style can help you greatly to navigate your relationships, romantic or otherwise.
Thank you so much for this video. People saying they don't need someone always makes me feel bad for wanting one, like I'm just weak and can't be self-sufficient
Thank you so much for this video! My codependency journey has been one of the toughest battles in my life leaving me with a lot of shame and guilt leaving me thinking that maybe is best not to date as I can't have "healthy bonds" with people All of these videos help me to understand myself better why am I the way I am, how can I look for better potential partners and how communication is key.
I am struggling with the anxiety of being too dependent on an other person every time when dating someone. Especially today I was feeling miserable and was constantly asking myself whether I was overreacting and expecting ,,too many” things from a certain person. But your video really helped me to feel better, to decide what I need to feel valued and whether the person is the ,,right” one for me or not
Thank you so much!
this makes sooo much sense! just came out of a dependency-unbalanced relationship. mind blowing!
For the past few years that im watching her videos, I must say that her level of confidence is Improving. 🔥
aaron doughtyHi sweetheart I have got my broken relationship fixed with the help this great Relationship Dr WITCHY who brought my partner Back in 48 hours after 8 months of separation🥰😍
I Urge you to seek help from Dr WITCHY on getting back with your ex, she can bring your ex back..
Whatsaapp her"***
Thank you Lana for sharing. I know that I have struggled for years trying to balance my self sufficient independence with my desire to share my life and time with someone special. And it's when I am alone, surfing IG, and everyone is telling me 'Be strong!, be independent!, don't rely on another person, for anything!, you don't need anyone!, learn to live alone', that I find myself becoming more anxious and depressed thinking, Oh My, somethings wrong with me?!?! It's nice to see a video that tells me I am fine, normal and not 'Needy', I am human and it's ok to feel as I do. I am looking forward to your next video in this series.
You just never miss. I’ve been wrestling with this idea a lot recently and the past few days really getting into attachment styles and need for independence. You just always capture what I’m going thru
thank you for making this type of contents lana it is very helpful we love you
wwh, you know?
💯💯🧠💫
This was spot on! Attatchment styles and their understanding can change your life in so many ways, and can help you understand life through many different lenses. Truly life changing! I advise anyone to enrol in Thais Gibson's attatchment courses, they really changed my life. Everyone has something to work on and these courses are superb and you will see a massive difference in every aspect of your life
Throughout my life, I've always felt like love isn't something that I'm meant to have. All of my experiences throughout my life primarily consists of people I don't socially mesh with (for some weird reason the people I do socially mesh with are taken or there's some other reason where a relationship wouldn't work), getting taken advantage of (literally most of my high school experience), or my insecurities telling me that it's too good to be true and I cut contact (if that makes any sense).
Reading your comment I felt like you were talking about me.
I guess I am not alone.
You're both probably more comfortable around attached people bc you're secretly gun shy with relationships
This is the video I didn't knew I needed. I would like to share a thing about my life on relationships. Even though I am only 18 years old, which is quite less for the thing I am going to write. So after my relationship of 3 years failed, I completely hated the feeling of LOVE. I never really wanted to be loved by a "guy" specifically. I hated the thought of marriage, true love & having someone special in my life. I had no expectations for love anymore. (yes the stupid immature thoughts)
Cut to the present, I am with a person of my age, We have been spending time since 4 months & I can't describe how beautiful life seems to be. It doesn't mean I wasn't happy alone. I was very peaceful being alone too & I always had the thought that I just wanted to be INDEPENDENT & never fall in love, because love makes you weak (yes again my poor thoughts). I never really knew the feeling of LOVE could also be very positive & happy. So going to coaching together, going cycling, going together to drink our favorite cold coffee, enjoying in the rain, waiting for him & when he waits for me. Knowing that a person would do absolutely anything to bring a smile. All of these moments make me feel very blessed & complete. Living life with somebody else is so fulfilling & lovely. This age is never going to come back, and these days are never going to come back, I am so grateful to meet him & live my days with more happiness. Love is a great & very pure feeling. I want everyone to experience days like this. I thank you Miss LANA, for this great video. This really opened my mind & changed my perspective on the misconception I have always had about Love & falling in love. We need more people like you.
Love are psychological processes derived from evolution, that is why you are feeling this way and there is nothing more to it although preferably you would also have children.
@@Danuxsy hey i am not sure i understand. can you please explain what you said? i am so sorry
@@mahako_ the emotions you are going through, first rejecting love and then now as you are growing older, finding it again. This is a predetermined psychological process which has its origin in evolution. We are animals and from the perspective of evolution we exist to procreate (have children) thus the emotions you are having about love, you'll probably "want" children in the future too for this same reason.
@@mahako_ He is simply telling that love is only a chemical that exist until human have a baby.
@@Danuxsy oh i understand now. thanks
It's beautiful, To have someone to tell whenever your feelings step out of the normal zone. It's not that we can't be independent. It's just that when you have someone it's easier.... Stronger together...
*Completely different personalities,yet a bond like this can keep you together. And the word for it is just, beautiful. It's human nature*
More sensible, realistic, and evidence-based than the entire manosphere. Refreshing. Thank you.
I really love attachment theory, it helped me realize that just because I prefer a certain way of commutation and showing love, it doesn’t mean everyone else does it the same way.
It me see why problems may happen in relationships even the non passionate ones. And that we really need to be more understanding and accepting of others.
People kept telling me that a healthy relationship is where there are no expectations. I have always questioned that notion because why would I be in a relationship in the first place if I know that I shouldn't rely on my partner ever? I am beginning to accept that there is not cookie cutter answer to this because peoples needs are a whole spectrum It's much more about being able exist in the grey area and learning about what works for us and what doesn't. This video put me at ease because I know I'm not alone with this argument. Thank you.
Thank you for this video Lana, we never take the time to appreciate being dependent on a person, and when suddenly that person disappears, we notice how attached we were to that person
This is some good advice. I think the more we allow ourselves to be vulnerable the deeper the other person falls in love. I know this because that’s the exact reason why I love my husband ✨
Finally someone talks about this instead of repeating the same mantra over and over. Thank you so much for this video!!
I have being learning about attachment lately and I have been loving. What I have learnt is I'm not ready for a relationship until I'm done with myself.
Hi sweetheart I have got my broken relationship fixed with the help this great Relationship Dr WITCHY who brought my partner Back in 48 hours after 8 months of separation🥰😍
I Urge you to seek help from Dr WITCHY on getting back with your ex, she can bring your ex back..
Through years of meditation and spirituality I've gotten rid of my desires. Knowing between the differences between desires and needs; realizing the amount of things you'll actually care is close to none. That which you're not committed to, you'll never attach and that which you have no desire of, you'll never commit.
She just gave the definition of the “society love”, simple mutual benefits relationship disguised in “Love”. So basically here if there’s no more benefits in the relationship for them, love do not exist anymore, while Love is something unconditional, infinite, unique, really rare, for life and just magical.
If love is unconditional then why people breakup with each other? Why divorce happens? Why parents left their kids at a young age? Why siblings get apart from each other? Why amber heard and Johnny deep got divorced?? Because
Love is never permanent dude........
Sorry to break it you but "Love" ain't unconditional. Your definition of love is simply the unrealistic, non existent that Hollywood tries to portray...........
Real love is where both you and your partner grow together in this journey called LIFE.
@@makizenin1840 Not every couple break up or divorce. Not every parent leave their children behind. That being said, unconditional love is very rare. Not common.
Hey Lana. I am mostly free of codependency. I have seen it countless times in others and I have seen them come to ruin.
As human being it is my (and that of all human beings) reson d’antre to evolve beyond the simple, primitive instincts, but rise above with love.
I understand your reference to the needs as human beings to be understood and supported by our lover. However, our journey is ours and only ours.
So many beautiful human beings have loved me as I have them.
Mostly they provide lessons that we can, eyes and hearts open, learn from. And love (a detached love, the purest of all) intact, we move in and out of another’s lives. Relationships do not end, they simply change context. And we learn from these experiences founded on love.
"Dependency leads to independency" so true
I really adore your vibe
adore dee's nutz
Hey, just want to leave this comment here, this is the second video that appears to me from your channel, and I'm absolutely stunned in how your content got to be so good and well done! For the first time I really felt like "someone is talking about what I think and feel" and having this felt really good and comforting. Btw all the aspects of the video are very pleasent too: from writing and filming to your voice. I'm loving your channel and definitely am staying for more of your content. Loved the video.
This is profound.
People who are loved well, are people who have secure, stable, healthy and supportive friendships. They genuinely trust people to be there for them because their emotional needs have been met, since forever. They also have time to reflect, introspect, venture out and take opportunities, because they have a solid base. They perform better in school and they are less stressed at work.
But people who have been backstabbed a lot or have not had their emotional needs met, are anxious, insecure, mistrustful and act out. They treat others how they have been mistreated. They either do well, to fill a void or they do not do well in school and work.
Independence stemming from lack of trust and lack of having emotional needs met, is different from independence that stems from having one’s emotional needs met. The difference is obvious. If the person is angry, anxious, mistrustful, stressed, controlling and micro managing, the person obviously hasn’t had their emotional needs met. If the person is encouraging, helpful, positive, happy, supportive, delegates, not controlling and gives you room to breathe, they obviously have their emotional needs met.
I’ve always said that people who have been single for years or act out, are people who have deep emotional and/or psychological issues. They’re too busy displaying how disturbed they are and how unmet their emotional needs are. They don’t have time to be better or excel in any field, because they’re not happy in their private lives.
Their unmet emotional needs, baggage and trauma limits them from doing better and surpassing their own level of success, even if they have had success in certain areas.
Thank you. This seems to say to open up and be vulnerable about needs rather than hiding. Release fear to find love.
You finally made it all make sense. I have heard these words many time but they way you put them explains everything. Thank you
That hit the nail right on the head. Dependency leads to Independence very strong statement because two people should bring the best out of one another
There are many nuances here to be effectively covered just by one word - dependence. Easily many co-dependent or immature people may use this video as an excuse, or generalise the meaning of codependency and attachment. It still stands that a person needs to fulfil their own needs WITHOUT the expectation, and with gratitude when another offers their help. Rather than saying codependency vs independence, what’s needed is a basic level of maturity. And thus, what is meant by healthy co-existence is interdependence, NOT codependence.
Lana just today I was searching for videos on how to remain calm and I watched one of your videos and I just want to tell you that you have helped me so much in my life and you don’t even know, I am grateful, keep up the good work. love you always ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks for introducing me to this book! Currently reading it right now and it provides insights to me and my current relationship. For some reason gives me sense of relief and security in my turbulence on my relationship
Very informative, Lana, and another awesome video! You really have amazing insight!
you know, i find it funny that i had this in my mind for a long time now. My sister has told me soo much about how our family is very co-dependent & it is due to not expressing what they think or feel often. They usually avoided topics or calmly clashing.
Now, my sister & i are working hard to be independent & striving to be on our own but, deep down i knew that being completely independent is hard because its in our DNA to socialize & rely on eachother.
That's why kids have this energy & thought process where they can take on the world, it's because they loving parents or other loved ones that have ther back & can depend on if things go south
Communication is key once again
"Is it even possible to remain independent in a relationship? And if so, is that a desirable goal?"
Amazing video! I think more people should talk about these topics because we're living in an age where "being independent" is becoming more and more the standard for "socially acceptable".
People are working on themselves too much. That's not a totally bad thing, of course. But I think more should be being taught about working on our relationships with others.
Also, I said this someplace else, but I'll say it again here. If you're trying to be independent and reliable, it means you're acknowledging the fact people will depend on and rely on you. And you should also allow yourself to be that person sometimes
very well said :)
I had this cartoon idea: two gravestones that read: "Hold on, you don't want to come across as desperate!"
The point: two people that liked each other from a distance died alone after having spent their lives playing the lurking game instead of just going for it.
Wow thats beautiful. I mean a beautiful moral. Are you going to draw it?
The case with many people these days unfortunately
I am so glad that TH-cam is recommending this to me. TH-cam bas been recently only recommending me videos that are really changing my perspective on stuff and presenting them in a good light. Thank you for this. :)
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Thank you for making this, Lana. Everyone can really learn and benefit a lot from this single video. This video has helped me so much than from the books and quotes I have read. I always find your videos helpful. Thank you again.
Your responsible,smart and independent. Your my ideal woman and a great mentor.
Many admire your social and physical appearance.
You have such a soothing, mellow voice! I could lizten for hours❤️
Without question, anxious is the core of me. Fear of everything that could go wrong not just in relationships but in all aspects of my life. That being said, there are pieces of both secure and avoidant that are part of who I am as well. I keep these things to myself and deal with them internally and I avoid many situations because of irrational fears that make little to no sense to have given what I have already accomplished. Yet, I did have a very good upbringing and family. But in the social settings outside of my home, I often felt on the receiving end of an avoidant experience. Life in the real world and the life in the bubble of your home gives you can be very contrasting indeed.
I see the anxious style as the constant, but I see the desire for companionship as a function of my stable and nurturing upbringing (secure) at the same time as my drive to avoid risk at all costs (avoidance). These two things are at odds with each other. Basically, a person in this state of mind is in a position where they want something more but are too afraid to take the plunge. This, in turn, raises the question "Does such a person even deserve it?" As a civilization, the west feels so entitled to things that they never even ask such a question. They just blame the rest of the world, never take responsibility, and just hope the rest works itself out magically. Naive.
On the topic of codependency, it is important to differentiate between one's own identity and the relationship. The relationship you build together is an idea that both of you (hopefully) are very much on board with. It gets dangerous though when the relationship BECOMES your identity. It can destroy you, and that thought further feeds into the anxious style.
Make no mistake though, these things are caused by us. We make our beds and we must lie in them. The only part that grinds my gears is when people make their beds and then look at you like you're the reason their bed is made. And so, they refuse responsibility, expect the positive outcomes as if they DID take responsibility, and refuse to lie in it.
That's my take
Im just writing it as a note to myself , so this has helped me understand why my relationship got worse and had to separate . At the time my SO was tired of my communication style , how i was not being present when needed while at that time it was her codependency ( whenever i write in here about co dependency I don't mean it in wrong way ) and being my love language of reassurance which was countered so i was independent on my own . on being tired of my style she started to taking back her effort which made me feel insecure and built my codependency on her and i started giving her time and effort which was her love language . she started feeling independent and at this time in that independence , she started feeling free and good . But since carrying the idea of being tired from me , she in that state started giving effort to take her out of relationship . Being feeling secure and everything so it was easy for her to work outside relationship in that state, and which kept making me feel more of insecure and I tried giving more of what she always asked me of , which again made her feel more independent that she can go without me . So at that point she made a choice to leave me . Now I see this attachment styles as more of a pointer like when to work on problems and making it feel secure by communicating better and giving care in that moment than leaving away .
At this time most of relationship gurus give advices of taking away , no contact and all that sort of stuff , more into taking away love language they need from you , which is more of powerplay ( a very negative thing to be doing in a relationship , just my opinion). So the other person recognises their codependence on them and turn back again into the relationship . Rather than time should be taken to build a secure relationship , where that power is shared and trusted that other person wont leave even when given all the power to do so . Which in turn builds the stronger trust that your SO is going to be there in times of need .
Mistakes were made , what i believe is even i abused my power at times like when feeling secure than sort of didn't gave back more ( more because I was in power to do so and still didn't took steps to understand it , like lazing around in comfort area ) which should have been done by me and that is the learning and regret I got from here . and that was time i was amateur and not aware about these things , so mistakes were made and wont make the same ...... a chance to correct the mistakes will be there
This came just in time Lana, thank you. I would personally love to see this turn into a series!!
i've had some beliefs for years and some developed recently only. i soo feel they're molded to a better shape now. not just love-life related, but so much of other stuff that i feel to be dealing with rn.
This came in the right time, my boyfriend just broke up with me, before him I was so fine on my own, needed no one, but he was the avoidant type and i became more and more anxious, the secure me disappeared, idk how he could've change me so much but even though he didnt want to, i think, he was very toxic, avoidants are veeery hard to deal with even though you are secure.
It could be he affected you on a biological level
I was anxious then i healed myself and was comfortable alone but open to being vulnerable and to be in a relationship. I met someone five months ago that I deeply fell in love with. We had to break up because he has severe unhealded trauma that would have been fatal for me to deal with as I was in an abusive relationship before. Now that I am alone again I'm back to my anxious self. I am sure I'll get better eventually but It sucks when you're confronted with things you thought you worked through/got rid of.
@@victoriansteam1562 yea i know my ex bf was kinda traumatized as well and lately you could see the pattern in his behaviour and he wasnt himself and brought that trauma into the relationship which was not good at all for me, kinda lucky he got the courage to break up because i wouldn't do it, he was my first so it was very hard for me to do it, but we gotta move on and try to be ok again
@@cici9074 yeah moving on is hard especially if it's not because you don't love each other or because of something you can't change. We will get better eventually and I like the thought that the person it didn't work out with is not there anymore because someone else belongs in that spot who is better for us ❤️
@@cici9074 yeah moving on is hard especially if it's not because you don't love each other or because of something you can't change. We will get better eventually and I like the thought that the person it didn't work out with is not there anymore because someone else belongs in that spot who is better for us ❤️
God dang she’s so beautiful 😭her words make her even moreee
Wow this video comes right at a perfect time. I'm in my early 20s and fresh into my first relationship. The only Person I really have for comparison is my best friend, who is very independent and fulfills all this stuff about you and your Partner being 2 complete different beings and being completely independent. I, however, am rather dependent on my Partner and he has a big influence on me and while I actually don't find this problematic, just how different my best friend is and all those modern relationship advices made me feel so insecure and if I am too dependent and whether this will cause Problems and hold me back. But this video and the biology makes so much sense for me and my relationship. It really helped me. Thank you so much.
Same issue here - outsiders preaching individual independence and shaming yin Yang dependency and throwing labels of codependency. This video clarifies a lot on where the term came from and how it evolved to effectively be a wrong way of looking at relationships. It’s effective or ineffective dependency - and never this ridiculous term of codependency.
As a young man, orphan and INFJ. working to build a good career and take care of my sibs and mom. I always neglect or try to avoid depending on someone. Perticular when it's a girl. It's not because I'm afraid or something. It's only because of whether they can be a long term partner or not. Obviously I don't have the time and energy to deal with another heart break after I've moved on and am doing significantly well. It's understandable how partners or family members affect the environment of our home, in the end it's us who allow them to do it. Why shouldn't we do it? They do the same. Waiting for part 2. I also noticed you have such beautiful brown eyes.
Brilliant synopsis! Very well interpreted and explained. Very good points; I've so struggled in relationships around the issue of togetherness versus personal space, depending or relying on the other versus self-reliance, etc. I agree that it's a myth that "enlightened people" can coexist in a relationship without ever really needing the other. Once you are deep into a relationship, you are inevitably interdependent and should be, or else it's really not a relationship, but a detached and fragile and ambiguous forever never fully defined relationship. I agree it's in our biological nature to become dependent to some healthy degree on another, and that's good for us spiritually and emotionally, and can even provide the secure base in which to branch out in ways we might not have otherwise (as you talked about). Having said all this, obviously there's a huge range of levels of healthy interdependence depending on the personalities involved. And two people might be very different in this way, and that can create tremendous conflict no matter how much effort to make it work. As you said, you have to honestly assess whether this person can meet your needs, assuming you are not expecting too much from them because you never got those needs met early in life. But l do believe we should never give up on finding another and trying again, as we become wiser, even if we feeling like hamburger after a loss. Our being is innately able to heal and get ready for something new.
Q
Feeling like you're constantly overlooked
can make us question our worthiness
Your worth can never be determined by
someone else, People not giving you the
credit that deserve is always their loss.
You don't have to prove yourself to
anyone.
I can so relate. Being in a relationship where I'm overlooked is much more painful than being alone. If I'm even more sad when I'm in that relationship then why stay?
I also felt so seen when Lana said that when we have a secure base and a safe heaven, we become more independent because that's my experience.
I think one of the reason being people are listening to u is A u r beautiful not only from outside which u r but from from ur thoughts also. B one can learn English 💯 and u being the biggest motivation..
You have this method that amazes me as a viewer and makes me continue to learn from what you provide, I loved the way of presentation and photography, it is completely different. Thank you keep it up 👍🏻
How can a petite girl be so wise, tbh I'm really stunned by the content, great work, keep going.
This is perfect thank youuu😍!!!
Hey Lana ❤️❤️❤️
By the way your hairstyle REALLY suits you. I know this isn’t recent but I haven’t seen such a beautiful hair on you than this 😍😍💖
Good idea breaking this up into segments! Your work is admirable in whatever aspect you choose love 💓 thank you!!
you gave me a lot to think about Lana. as you usually do!
definitely going to read the book
wish you'd write your own book. i'll be the first to pre-order it no matter what it was about
Hi Lana. I really appreciate your explanation into the heart and the psyche. And that you cite your reference material.
It would be so cool to talk with you about the many subjects you discuss. You’re an insightful, luminous and clear human being.
i literally adore you, your vibe is everything ❤️
Lana, thank you for the message on this video. I've just gone through a situation that was somewhat difficult to overcome, despite being very rational about I was still suffering a bit, but this video really helped me. I'm very grateful for that. Keep doing these videos. You're talented and the world's needs more of it. Hugs from Brazil
Had to pause the video just to tell you that you’re so beautiful 😻 you’re shining 😻
This video is so relatable, can't wait for the next part. I have had these and similar questions for so long and always struggled with finding an answer. Thank you for making these videos.
How the heck did I not come across your channel before? The production quality, the writing, and your overall presentation is amazing.
I don't know if I agree with this. One of the things that bothered me about my previous relationship is that she felt the need to do everything together. She liked going for aimless drives (I don't) but if I didn't go with her, she wouldn't want to go, preventing her needs from being met. Is it my responsibility to give my time to ensure her needs are being met when there are other things I would like to do with my time to meet my own needs.
Or even more mundane things like doing chores, we need to go shopping and run some other errands, is it not better for one of us to go do one the shopping and for the other to do the other errand. Then we can save time, and come together afterwards to spend time together instead of wasting time doing prolonged errands together.
I dunno, just a thought I had.
Love this SO much! It's been a long time I've seen such a Hugh quality and impactful video on this platform. I'm excited for the upcoming parts! Thank you
Your sound is so calming
Great video! I have often thought the co-dependency view wasn't right. It's refreshing to hear someone put into words and clarify a belief you have but haven't reasoned why you have that belief.
It's a little like the view you should never want or try to change someone you are in a relationship with. In reality, we all do it to some degree, and it can often be for the benefit of our partners, like encouraging them to stop smoking. It all depends on how much you are trying to change them and why.
I look forward to part 2
Who would not want to be with you? I just accept people as they are. I don't get along with everyone and that's okay. I get along with a lot of people. Allways be positive and enjoy life even if you are physically disabled. You personality is great.
Hi, im so happy u just uploaded a video. I'm not really someone who watches all of ur videos or follows u but i do remember having watched some and listening to some. Today like an hourish ago i was procrastinating doing anything, and ive been doing that for the past whole week and i rreeally had to clean the house and take a shower. But i for some reason couldnt get myself to do so. Than i thought maybe i can listen to someone while attempting to clean, and i searched up "best podcasts for when u feel alone" and one of ur old videos popped up. I started watching it and in 2 secs i looked u up on Spotify. And im so glad i did, i just finished cleaning the house and u were there along with me while doing so, and listening to you felt very comforting it was almost like talking with myself but it was all coming through someone elses mind and voice. Felt like building a connection with a stranger who doesn't even know my existence nor who knows im listening to her. But im really glad i did and i wanted to thank u for that hoping this can make ur heart feel warm and put a smile on ur face
Well, yes of course, that's why we crave community .. Whether that's feeling secure with a parent, a partner, friends etc .. Human beings crave belonging and to try to deny that will leave you feeling unfulfilled. It's okay to need people, we are not islands 💙✨ Not to be clingy or anything but to allow people into your life - especially the people to understand and connect deeply to your love language.
I love these videos that challenge common beliefs!
Thank you Lana! That was a breath of fresh air.
literally you are heaven 😭
love her review mindset, see though conditions have biases and there are conditions within peoples conditions which makes things complicated as 2 people always want 2 different things yet share same goals in life, human mindset complexity and human spirit is beyond us but the intent is always clear if people pay attention.
Protect this woman at all costs
oh god i could watch her talk like this for eternity. she hella cute