Being in a narcissist relationship feels like a full-time job of proving your worth. When they reject you, it feels like you just got fired from a job you needed to survive. There's this feeling of homelessness.
I agree with your comment as well 😊 a deep fear I had growing up is when my mother withdrew from me and that sinking feeling of fear in the pit of my stomach like you've nothing to anchor you and keep you safe. Funny thing is she didn't keep me safe but as a child that didn't dawn on me!
If there ever was such a thing as a guardian angel of truth, that would be you Dr Ramani. To me truth is the ultimate kindness in this world of challenges. You are a light in the darkness. Thank you for all you do.
Bless you Dr Ramani for ALL the time and education you freely give to so many, EMPOWERING us with knowledge. I now understand after being 6 yrs free of Narcissistic abuse, IT,s NOT ME. I was knocking on Gods Door,(6ft under) initially thinking why am I not enough.
I agree. Dr. Ramani is dedicated and offers her expertise with compassion and empathy. I hope she has the chance to feel joy, happiness, and peace. I’d love to send her a day at the spa she deserves it. She is the light in our lives. ✨💫✨
Tha saddest part is a life not lived… too occupied to fix their drama, not make them jealous, angry, constantly adapting or ending my own plans….. sabotaging my own life 💔 Thank you Dr Ramani. This could have gone on forever. At 51 I have started on my life,again, but this time - better equipped ❤
Write it down. When they invalidate you, avoid every direct question or request you make, gaslight you, all of it…..WRITE IT DOWN. I promise you will quickly forget the extent of all of the bad stuff they do. Writing it down will greatly help you as you try to leave and start questioning yourself.
I can honestly say in 6 years with the narcissist, I had no fun times, when I left he messaged me about the quote good times, and it hit me he had enjoyed the relationship, the fact that he had me jumping through hoops, in panic, begging every time he discarded me, walking on eggshells around him, he was having a wonderful relationship.
Emotional journey pauses at a point where you realises that you don't want to know more and more about NPD instead you learn more and more about yourself and who you are, why are you like that what you value and what you ready to let go. External factors seems minors when internal production is in progress.
Dr. Ramani, this was so insightful. And you're right that having support is what can really be the key to moving on from a narcissistic relationship. Support without judgment or shame. When I broke up with my long-time narcissistic boyfriend a long time ago, my mother really helped me. She encouraged me and validated me all the way through it. She was so proud of me when I moved on with my life. (I had returned to school to get my graduate degree). She died when I was 35. I wish she would have lived to see that I married a good man at age 38. I hope somehow she knows. Thank you for this teaching ♥
The last thing you should ever do is tell someone that you will try to be the person they want you to be. Find someone who doesn’t gas light , do your best to have an honest back and forth . There is no way to find happiness with someone who tells you they never do anything wrong … I wasted a lot of time trauma bonded to someone who couldn’t see past her own feelings . It’s still taking time to find myself , but I just want to be healthy ,present ,and firm in my belief that happiness comes from within. Fix yourself ,you can’t fix anyone else .
Feeling Guilt and that you're being disloyal, despite their many emotional put downs, psychological eviscerations and multiple paper cut betrayals of your true self. My mother a covert married another malignant covert yet if he triggers her I get "you're just like your father"! Her pain is worse than mine each and every time. There is no room for my pain yet the conditioning from birth still leaves that bitter taste of being disloyal.
I need to listen to this episode over and over again to hold firm on my current situation. I could not have gotten to this point of near liberation without Dr Ramani’s education, experience, expertise and generous empathy.
That line really hit me now that I'm out....the sad from the relationship was never ending.....the sad from ending the marriage can and will end. I still have occasional moments of sadness but at least it has become far and few between and doesn't last long
I am so absolutely grateful for your content. Its been so helpful. Im not doing well and I have never been more hurt, confused, upset, sad, mad, and feel guilty all at the same time. Everyday I keep telling myself this to will pass. Much easier said than done at the moment. It almost feels like i need to be put in a straight jacket. Im the one who is crazy. Ughhhhh
Just so you know Doc, you saved many people’s lives!!! There is shrink and there is Dr. Romani ... i have mad respect for you 🙏. I was wondering why the whole 9 yrs of marriage was very scary or frightening neither to leave nor to continue!!! I have seen many partners living normal, I asked my self why mine is not normal, confusing, exhausting questioning my reality...started searching stuff on the internet then i found you and then I found my self again. Keep preaching 👏 🙏
2yrs ago,my mother asked me to move to KY to help her and for companionship. I did, and gladly became the live in maid, cook, landscaper and purse. But that wasn't enough for her. She demanded I pay rent, and complained that I cleaned 'too much' even though at least 3 of her 5 dogs regularly pissed on the new carpet for which I had paid. She kicked me.out of her house in early November. I am currently living in a nearby RV park, planning everything to move back to Oregon. I am waiting until February, when my brother will come down to live with her.
I ended a narc relationship 20 years ago. I took my 14 yr old daughter, left him & divorced him. He abused both of us. I told him if I stayed with him one more day I would lose my mind. He kept saying "You'll be back." It was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. I did not go back. We found our way through some very rough patches & struggled but today are healthy and only have positive relationships. Yesterday I heard from estranged son (daddys golden child) that he was in hospital needed surgery and could die. I don't know how to feel. He put us through so much I was married 28 yrs. It's bringing back painful memories for me & both my daughters. I couldn't sleep, I want to cry. I don't understand. We live in same town. He is still in hospital. My oldest daughter says she is bitter. We all feel angry I think. I'm going to spend time with daughters today. We need each other. I don't understand our feelings. I think our son thinks we will come see him or help w/ recovery. We can't deal with that. Although he was treated well he knows the harm that was done. Can you help me understand?💜
My Ndad died of Stage 4 pancreatic cancer this month. Even though I was low-contact with him for the last few years, I didn't go to the funeral. His whole family was infested, minus one, maybe. It's okay to leave NC as it is. It's okay to feel sad n angry at e same time. Listen to your body n your gut. For me, it's a visceral gag reflex when I see them on YT. Pay attention to these signs; some r subtle. Listen well n do what will help YOU n your daughters, not what other ppl want. If u need love n support, u hav it from us. Internet hugs! Be well.
Keep watching these videos and educate yourself. I get the life and death situation but you do need to do what’s best for you and your daughters may want to go see him and that’s ok but you don’t owe him anything. Look what he has done for you? And you gotta think if the situation was reversed what would he do for you? Probes not as much as you would for him. Idk the full situation but if he is a narcissist you know he hasn’t changed esp if he hasn’t been getting true help and he didn’t do that when he lost you all. Am I right on that part? There are self aware narcissists that actively seek help. This guy laughed you out the door and let you struggle with his kids. I’d have little sympathy for that.
What an awful thing to be experiencing. It brings up everything like a big massive flashback. IMO, I think you may be being "hoovered" and are experiencing "system guilt". Being in relationship with a narcissist, nobody is allowed to be their authentic self. It is more like a cult. Nobody can go against the "dear leader". Nobody is allowed to have their own ideas, ambitions, feelings, opinions. It is a toxic "system" that everyone is in and that system is an extension of the very unwell narcissist, and it suppresses everything authentic in a person. Whenever a person does what is right for them or says "No" or holds boundaries that are keeping them safe and sane, especially if someone may be trying to hoover an escapee back in, old "system guilt" may flood in but is is not YOUR guilt. It is guilt installed by the toxic system meant to keep you falling in line. You do you, stay in your lane and leave them to their experiences. You are not unkind or mean if you don't respond or don't go visit. Nothing good will come from re engaging. He said to you "You'll be back". Don't prove him right.
It's terrible how we have to reinforce decisions we thought we'd already made, and were finished with. It's terrible, but you're not alone in experiencing this. It's common for so many of us. I worried about when this particular situation would occur in my life. I worried so much, I figured out what I would do when it eventually happened. I'm Irish, from a very old fashioned family. The idea of not being there for someone at the end is like a mortal sin. So I needed to know, ahead of time, how I would stay strong in myself if I got a call like you did. It took a long time for me to figure things out but this is what I think. I think people use death, or the threat of death as a ' get out of jail free' card. They imagine it somehow justifies the slate being made clean and saying goodbye as if the past didn't happen. Or they imagine someone saying sorry on their death bed carries enough weight to make amends for all the years of abuse. But these are unreasonable ideas. They're extremely harmful to those of us who were hurt. What victim owes an abuser any compassion, if the harm they did was enough they had to get away entirely to save their own life? How could I/you owe them anything at all? Forcing us to make some sort of gesture of peace even though from their hospital beds, they could never make amends, it's not right. It feels to me like a way of forcing the burden of the abuse back onto the victim, so the abuser can die 'in peace'. If the abuser dies 'in peace' where does that leave the victim? Like so many other situations, society and families don't support the victims in these circumstances. It isn't socially acceptable to stay away. I think it should be. It should be socially acceptable for me to stay in my own healthy life now. To maintain the protection I've needed from them. To continue on that path I chose, that led me away from them and into a better life. I'm where I am today because I got out. You're where you are today because you got out. I don't think anyone at all has the right to expect us to go back. I think anyone who does, isn't facing the reality of what we went through. You might be so triggered and distressed now because it's bringing things up from the past. Or you might be triggered because your subconscious is sending you warnings and memories so that you don't go back. It's possible you're remembering things vividly or feeling things strongly so that you can make an informed decision now about what you'd be walking back into if you did go back. Whatever happens I wish you well.
Something that makes it more difficult for me is that my mom was a covert narc. She didn't love me and told me all the time. I wish you were never born she would tell me among other cruel things. Everyone loved her. She was so fake and lied all the time. She made us lie mostly to my dad. He didn't know her. She had him so fooled. He thought she was an angel. Of her 8 children she only loved 3. It was very clear to us. I used to reason that she must love me because she feeds me, clothes me things like this. She gave me to her family members who s.a.'d me my whole childhood. She hid this from my dad and all the things she did, ways she treated her unloved children. I don't believe she loved my dad either. Didn't even cry when he died. I was a good daughter. I always loved her and told her I loved her. She would walk away when I said this and wave her hand like she was shooing me away. I took care of her when she was sick. I was always there for her when her other 7 children couldn't or wouldn't take care of her. In a loving manner. Always. She kicked me out of her life many times, if I didn't do what she wanted, when she wanted or how she wanted. I had a family to take care of yet she wanted to control me even if it meant putting my family on the back burner. Then when she was on her deathbed she was very weak but she sat straight up and looked right at me and said "I love you." I was blown away and didn't know what to think. I walked out of the room. Locked myself in the bathroom and just leaned against the sink in shock. I couldn't, didn't accept it. I thought "How dare you say that to me." How dare you. I feel like she was trying to leave this earth with a clean slate. Or she felt guilty. Relieving her own guilt. She died 20 minutes later. I spent the time before her funeral trying to figure how I felt. The answer is I felt relieved. That was all. And I don't feel bad about my feelings. I am ok because I am a Christian. My strong belief in God has brought me through this and help me heal. I live alone and I am happy. I have 2 beautiful daughters who are both Christians, 2 wonderful son in laws and 7 beautiful grandchildren. We are very close knit. I do believe what doesn't kill you can make you stronger. And that my belief in God has helped me come out of the other end of this whole, healed, healthy and strong. I pray the same for anyone else who had to suffer narc abuse. God Bless and Jesus loves you. ❤❤❤
I'm crying!! I needed to hear this, this is so empowering when I'm feeling so broken and shut down in my current relationship. Dr. Ramani thank you, again and again!
For me it is a cycle of grief, then guilt, then reflect, grief, guilt, reflect. It’s an exhausting cycle trying to rationalize in my mind these types relationships. The guilt from doing what’s best for me is a very strong feeling!
I noticed each time I grow, especially, if I’m being mindful, instead of arguing. I can’t help but think he’s bread crumbing me. This is sad and confusing. It’s strange if it were a friend I’d say if you’re confused, then you may want to think twice. Now that I’m paying attention I can see more clearly. My type of personality likes to stand back and observe with boundaries. I also want to improve myself to be functional in my career. For now I will do community service and wait for God to guide and then continue on. Dr. Ramani I have been listening. Now it’s sinking in. It’s getting close to sticking. I do have a safe place I am invited to stay. That eased my mind. With respect thank you. 🙏
It’s my mum so I’ve just gone minimal contact It’s crazy making, it really is. You have to learn to not react to the Criticism or the “love” - neither is real. Look at what you actually want or can cope with and do that.
It's both of mine. All of it runs through generations. It's sad when you realise you didn't have a parent, you had to mentally unwell teenagers playing house who had a child, but all along you were the adult in the room!
it's like touching something so bad that you will never be the same person again, after that touch.. even if you leave them.. you will nvr b the same u were before u met them..
In my case after all the narsisist situation and trauma with the father of my daughters, I'm very happy far away from him. My sad feeling is because after all the bad situation all the injustice circumstances the father of my kids won, he has the girls and he never going to recognize their mistakes. But im in peace and feel thankful with God because gave me understanding to looking for heal. Thanks for sharing peace and blessings to everyone 🙏🏼
I left my covert narc wife of 22 years as an empty shell, over 5 years ago. Every word in this video hits home…I still feel guilty that I should’ve tried harder, done more, found that strength from somewhere. I wouldn’t be here at all if I was still in it…
Got my 1st protection order from court in my 20s & my last order in my 50s & lots of orders in between to physically protect myself from his violent rages & it was the hoovering and the many enabling voices which included my own mother that landed me back into those awful toxic entanglements with him Having had group therapy for women suffering with Domestic violence really educated me & I was among my own tribe of women, the cruelty from the multitude of enablers & the loneliness all those years ago from trying to be a single parent who just happened to stand up against a violent malignant narcissist I could never understand people's ignorance I sincerely hope you are training lots of therapists re -narcissistic abuse as many of them still sadly don't understand it You truly are an amazing person and I will forever be so very grateful for your excellent daily videos and podcasts Thank you, Dr.Ramini, for speaking up for your community of survivors ❤
Thanks Dr. Ramani, the isolation goes away a little bit when I watch you speak. Your knowledge keeps me on the right track. There isn't anyone close to me that sees it, but knowing there are people like you with a wealth of information on the subject shows it happens to be my circle that don't see it. There are in fact others out there who understand this like, and more, than I do. You're saving lives, and quality of lives.
I ended a very toxic relation after 10 years with a covert narcissist in early year 2014. Now he IS dead since last February 2023. I'm still alive. No. I never regret that I ended that relation otherwise I ... would have died för many years ago - about year 2014. He was escalate his abusive behavior to trying to kill me with his violent behavior the last 3-4 month of our time together. That was my Wake-Up-Call litterally so I got out from That Very Manipulate Fog and escaped from him 🙏
Exactly. Im happier without him here. Theres a peace without them you will NEVER HAVE WITH THEM. maybe a little lonely without them . Get a dog and dont be lonely.
Oh my goodness 😓 I broke no contact last night. I texted him an early birthday wish. I was dying inside after 4 1/2 weeks no contact. This video seems to have been meant for me. The grief is REAL and crazy making. 💔
I did exactly the same on Saturday - broke no contact after leaving him three months ago by asking how he was. He didn't reply. I feel like he's won, and now, on top of the grief I feel, my ego's so bruised!
@Julesyoutoo 😖 🫂 We just have to start from scratch. How I WISH there was a way to wake up one day and feel no more heartache. No more suffocating pain. We fell off the proverbial wagon. It may not be the last time, THIS time but eventually (🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻) we will move on. 🥺😔
Because abusers and enablers will never admit they are being abusive or abuse-enabling, ultimately the only true and real way you can tell you are being abused is by your own reactions and feelings to the abuse. (And of course, abusers and enablers go out of their way to get you to doubt your own reaction and feelings - gaslight). Thank you 👍❤❤❤…
I recently had a nightmare that I was back in my marital home with my ex, and everything was perfect-he was being wonderful, the home felt like home, and I was reunited with the dogs I had to leave behind when I left. When I woke up, the guilt came rushing back. I couldn’t shake the thought that if I had just been a better partner, he might have treated me kindly. It’s such a sad feeling. I tried so hard in my marriage, but the goalposts kept moving, and in the end, I realized I had to choose between him and myself.
Hi. This video came at a really important time. In fact, I’ve been going through your content more recently. I got out once from the narcissist relationship I was stuck in, 2 years ago thanks to your content. But then I fell back into it and the feelings of guilt of having left earlier on made me even more entrenched in the relationship. I even started doubting my judgment of her as a narcissist and felt I had overreacted for a long time. Things have happened over the past couple months and I’m ready to leave. I’m just waiting for my finals to be over because I know ending things will bring drama and hell down on me from her rage. I’m thankfully no contact as of now, but I hadn’t communicated it to her- I just let her know through a mutual friend she sicked on me that I’ll reach out myself when things settle down. I feel bad for lying even though when I said that it wasn’t a lie- some things happened since then that just changed my perspective even more. I don’t want to be stuck in the cycle of abuse and manipulation on top of everything else I’m going through. Now our other mutual friend has been hounding me since the past 2 days, and I know it’s the narcissist’s doing. I haven’t responded or picked up because I’m working on papers, however I’m thinking of reaching out in a couple days. But to the narc… I don’t want to reach out ever. She owes me a huge sum of money and my favourite pair of earrings she guilted me into lending her and never returned. But I do not want to reach out, and I’m wondering how I’ll end things when I finals are over… Sorry for the TMI. I just wanted to thank you for speaking about this. And to also give my two cents that sometimes even having the info/awareness doesn’t lead to clarity. I still wonder at times if I’m the narcissist and have just misjudged her.
Divorced and left after 14 insane years of marriage. Relieved to finally leave. Three weeks later i had a total meltdown. I started to learn about narcissism. I found out what i was going through was normal. So i just did it
Such a simple statement, but it really communicates the heart of the matter. It truly boils down to which ls less painful to us. I never looked at it this way before, this brings me some peace. Back and forth, forth and back, why? I think this gives me closure as to 'why' I have struggled so knowing all I now know and understand. When all you receive in your quest for peace is defiance, how could it be possible to be less painful to stay? THIS, is a devil! The only mercy left to be found resides in the decision itself. Even then, we can't believe we have been reduced to THIS.
Wishing survivors all the best of strength to endure one more Christmas. Remember to also embrace the ugly and desperate parts of yourself, especially when you're still craving a way out. Many blessings are on our ways, but only if we are brave enough to see for what it is, and eventually leave. I'm also focusing more on the aspect of understanding that time is relative, that's why comparing myself with others who had different experiences is not valid. The superpower of a survivor is to learn it's own compass. It's to learn to love the time, and to learn to see the grace in enduring, but most importantly, never giving up searching for a new path, away from them. Thanks Dr!
Thank you for this video Dr Ramani and for your caring and empathy for all the survivors (and those still surviving) in the world. Your words really struck a cord and it really moves me. I have been continually been made to feel stupid during my childhood and by my ex. It really means a lot to be reassured that I'm not stupid and that I'm not at fault for not having understood that I was being emotionally abused.
Thank you for your courageous dedication to the hard truth. So many pieces of my personal puzzle have found their places. It does leave me trapped in a house of mirrors, indeed a big improvement on being trapped in narcissistic relationships. Considering my earlier unconscious blindness and bad choices (a result of traumas for which I struggle to forgive myself) and the unconscious narcissism of others (causing severe damage to my life, though itself a result of traumas, seeming unforgivable), there appears no venue for redemption. For all I see how right and true (hugely naive, sincerely ignorant) I have been, and for all the recovery work I have done for decades, I have to live with the results. My well-examined life, authenticity and spirituality notwithstanding, narcissism continues to be rewarded in our families, communities and worldly doings. I now treasure my solitude and, if a second heart attack comes, I don't plan to reach for my phone. Perhaps this attitude will change. After all, this is the ninth day of no sunshine, a 32-year record where I live.
Spot on as usual.....the idea of not putting up with narcissistic abuse in a marriage is viewed by "polite" society as a taboo subject and sends them running. Not only is the relationship over....but all the false friendships who were only there for optics. Double whammy! Yes, people are extremely cruel and self centered everywhere. Someone who stands up to the abuse will be punished from nearly everyone...........
I went through life defending my narcissistic parent's extreme behaviors, because it was drilled into me that I wasn't being "AS abused" by them, as they were as a child.
My heart leaped at 16:12.. when my friends tried to be "understanding" and "offer perspective," they never saw the psychological abuse. They were still in my OLD mindset.. give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe this, maybe that.. Maybe I had proof and was sick of his excuses, lies, and being made out to be a paranoid mistrusting jerk. Finding people who won't intentionally OR unintentionally invalidate your experience (which is like being gas lit all over again) finally makes one feel sane. I only know one person who knows this type of abuse aside from his ex-wife, so this point about group therapy hit me hard. I hadn't realized I was reading the comments for a sense of belonging and understanding.
I went head to head with my vulnerable narcissistic grandmother. I lost everyone on that side of the family. She was really popular helping out distant cousins and their families. So when we were having arguments she came back with "everyone else loves me, it's just you that have a problem with me". Even my own mother took her side and does to this day. I'm very near no contact with her. It's taken over 2 years of me asking a small favour of her, but when I finally cought up and put my foot down, she stopped calling for over 2 months. When she finally wrote me a message it was nothing to do with me. She wanted me to have granny's new phone number in case I wanted to reach out I guess...I realise I'm the only one being in a real relationship with her. She's been in one with a daughter that isn't me. So heartbreaking to realise you've always been alone. Thankfully I have my partner and that side of the family that has patiently shown me what real love is.
Took me years to break up Now that I am out “ I feel sort of numb But I have moments where I really wonder if breaking up was the right choice ‘ I turn on the the recordings I have of being screamed at in the car It’s disturbing and sad but I remember fast why I broke up
The reason it isn’t taught in schools is that so many people view narcissism as normal for teens in high school. High school competition at its core is highly narcissistic.People don’t want to win as a team. They want to take that winning shot every time.
I used to feel conflicted about ending narcy relationships when I didn’t know what they were….in the case of family,we are taught you stay with and connected to them because it’s ‘family’….when my life and stability was on the line,the cut off was swift and I didn’t look back.
It was hard but then I remembered all the horrible things that happened and the memories didn't go away. I guess that was a blessing. He was married to the drink and never would stop drinking, in fact, it got worse over time. Narc + drink is a very dark place.
I think it was meant for me to see this...i just got out of a narcissistic relationship in june. About 17yrs given trying to understand why nothing i did was good enough. Now im currently trying to heal and figure myself out. I actually started a yt channel to help with my healing process. Thank you for this video. I almost cried hearing that validation bc its so true. 😢
Thank you Dr. Ramani that you are between us to help us sooooo much🙏🏻💫💛 I hope to find a person like you with your knowledge to “work” with me to help me in my country, Greece. You are a light in our dark soul. Thanks a lot🙏🏻
Dr Ramani you are right. Wow I’m gonna watch it again. Wow Thankyou you describe it to the T. I pray for your own healing and strength because I believe you have had to go through this yourself. ❤
I miss the sex and companionship, but in the relationship I didn't want it and wanted to get away. Being an adult child and working that program I realized I can experience two completely different polar opposites to my feelings. I always thought it had to be one or the other and if I felt two different ways about something than it meant that I was the crazy one.
Filing for divorce from my wife was the hardest and most heartbreaking thing I have ever had to do, but it was clear that she was never going to work things out to our mutual benefit. A year and a half out and it still breaks my heart.
Yes! I’ve gone back and forth three times and regretting this last time because I’ve lost my voice but as he’s being good I feel like I owe him to stay … I couldn’t stay away because I missed him and was just a wreck but no one could understand why I was so sad. But I feel that sadness being with him again and wondering who he’s texting and actually meeting.
Listening to this made me cry. 6 yrs after getting out and I am still messed up. He disappears for a while them comes back around. I wish I could move away. Even though there is no relationship it drags me backward.
So true! When its your son the shame is awful as u know some of it is my fault 25% at least. Its so hard not to think is it betrayal? Is it me that's bad? I need these TH-cam's and book as its my sanity lifeline! Thankyou....its so so sad and painful .
I knew I had reached such a confirmation point when he had an accident and was in the hospital and I felt free and happy. Not happy he was in pain. Don’t get me wrong. Happy I could be me
From a very young age, I learned to suffer in silence. Nobody cares, nor did, nor will. People are really heartless and sadistic, just keep to yourself and move on. You're just a number, you don't matter.
I've been "leaving by degrees" (credit for that idea goes somewhere but I've been on this journey for a long time & I just don't remember that bit of info) so I am not conflicted out of love for him. I do remember telling a friend, as she & I stood in the driveway of my farmstead as my cpan husband abandoned me for his months-long trip to our other home in the mountains, that I don't miss him anymore. He has been doing his own thing all these years & I eventually learned how to do my own thing by his example, except that my own thing also included financially & emotionally raising children and doing their things while he had freedom from that responsibility. I've actually been waiting for him to die knowing that, since he has no conscience, he won't get ill - his body isn't "keeping score" but he is 12 years older than I. I now know, after 32'ish years I'll have to get out. The only part that conflicts me now is that I could continue the wait & be in this familiar stage but if I initiate a divorce, he will become difficult in a different way; I’ve been going along to get along all these years & it'll take him by surprise.
That sums it up for me. In a narc relationship, love means becoming what they want.
Or *trying* to become what they want ----------- an impossible task because nobody can meet their expectations by filling their emptiness.
😭😭😭
Being in a narcissist relationship feels like a full-time job of proving your worth. When they reject you, it feels like you just got fired from a job you needed to survive. There's this feeling of homelessness.
I agree with your comment as well 😊 a deep fear I had growing up is when my mother withdrew from me and that sinking feeling of fear in the pit of my stomach like you've nothing to anchor you and keep you safe. Funny thing is she didn't keep me safe but as a child that didn't dawn on me!
@bereal6590 that's 100% the feeling. And exactly how I feel with my narcissistic mother. You feel unsafe with them and unsafe without them.
Yep
The 3 replies, so far, have totally validated me.
If I was getting an hourly wage for all the time I'd tried to convince my narc to love me, I'd have enough money to leave them 🙄
If that person you thought was real, was real, you wouldn’t be thinking of leaving them. Just remember that.
My guess is their behavior would be such that you would just go the other way because it’s toxic
🎯
This.
The narcissist is fake and real good at being fake..
amen.
No sadness EVER about leaving!!! Best decision I made for myself. ❤
We feel soul pain, we hurt to our core - yet we are blamed & misunderstood. No more!
Absolutely 💯
Now let's give ourselves love we deserve, self care
If there ever was such a thing as a guardian angel of truth, that would be you Dr Ramani. To me truth is the ultimate kindness in this world of challenges. You are a light in the darkness. Thank you for all you do.
Here Hear 🇬🇧
Bless you Dr Ramani for ALL the time and education you freely give to so many, EMPOWERING us with knowledge.
I now understand after being 6 yrs free of Narcissistic abuse, IT,s NOT ME.
I was knocking on Gods Door,(6ft under) initially thinking why am I not enough.
I agree. Dr. Ramani is dedicated and offers her expertise with compassion and empathy. I hope she has the chance to feel joy, happiness, and peace. I’d love to send her a day at the spa she deserves it. She is the light in our lives. ✨💫✨
Tha saddest part is a life not lived… too occupied to fix their drama, not make them jealous, angry, constantly adapting or ending my own plans….. sabotaging my own life 💔 Thank you Dr Ramani. This could have gone on forever. At 51 I have started on my life,again, but this time - better equipped ❤
49 yep same
Write it down. When they invalidate you, avoid every direct question or request you make, gaslight you, all of it…..WRITE IT DOWN. I promise you will quickly forget the extent of all of the bad stuff they do. Writing it down will greatly help you as you try to leave and start questioning yourself.
I’ve recorded every episode. Listening to that back also helps. lol 👍🏻
@@Paula_66UKSame here! I record every rant and outburst.
@ amazing how they are so clever, they don’t even know 🤣. My narc is SO focussed on himself , he don’t know what’s going on around him. 😆
I can honestly say in 6 years with the narcissist, I had no fun times, when I left he messaged me about the quote good times, and it hit me he had enjoyed the relationship, the fact that he had me jumping through hoops, in panic, begging every time he discarded me, walking on eggshells around him, he was having a wonderful relationship.
Bingo
I’m struggling with this right now. Thank you Dr Ramani
Emotional journey pauses at a point where you realises that you don't want to know more and more about NPD instead you learn more and more about yourself and who you are, why are you like that what you value and what you ready to let go. External factors seems minors when internal production is in progress.
Yesss!
Exchange the focus to healing yourself and learn from the experience rather than dwell on the NPD of the abuser.
Dr. Ramani, this was so insightful. And you're right that having support is what can really be the key to moving on from a narcissistic relationship. Support without judgment or shame. When I broke up with my long-time narcissistic boyfriend a long time ago, my mother really helped me. She encouraged me and validated me all the way through it. She was so proud of me when I moved on with my life. (I had returned to school to get my graduate degree). She died when I was 35. I wish she would have lived to see that I married a good man at age 38. I hope somehow she knows. Thank you for this teaching ♥
The last thing you should ever do is tell someone that you will try to be the person they want you to be. Find someone who doesn’t gas light , do your best to have an honest back and forth . There is no way to find happiness with someone who tells you they never do anything wrong … I wasted a lot of time trauma bonded to someone who couldn’t see past her own feelings . It’s still taking time to find myself , but I just want to be healthy ,present ,and firm in my belief that happiness comes from within. Fix yourself ,you can’t fix anyone else .
Feeling Guilt and that you're being disloyal, despite their many emotional put downs, psychological eviscerations and multiple paper cut betrayals of your true self. My mother a covert married another malignant covert yet if he triggers her I get "you're just like your father"! Her pain is worse than mine each and every time. There is no room for my pain yet the conditioning from birth still leaves that bitter taste of being disloyal.
1000%
I need to listen to this episode over and over again to hold firm on my current situation. I could not have gotten to this point of near liberation without Dr Ramani’s education, experience, expertise and generous empathy.
That line really hit me now that I'm out....the sad from the relationship was never ending.....the sad from ending the marriage can and will end. I still have occasional moments of sadness but at least it has become far and few between and doesn't last long
This woman is bloody great. I love her no-nonsense attitude and straight speaking approach. Breath of fresh air. Thank you xxx
I am so absolutely grateful for your content. Its been so helpful. Im not doing well and I have never been more hurt, confused, upset, sad, mad, and feel guilty all at the same time. Everyday I keep telling myself this to will pass. Much easier said than done at the moment. It almost feels like i need to be put in a straight jacket. Im the one who is crazy. Ughhhhh
Would you like a chat? 🙏
Just so you know Doc, you saved many people’s lives!!! There is shrink and there is Dr. Romani ... i have mad respect for you 🙏. I was wondering why the whole 9 yrs of marriage was very scary or frightening neither to leave nor to continue!!! I have seen many partners living normal, I asked my self why mine is not normal, confusing, exhausting questioning my reality...started searching stuff on the internet then i found you and then I found my self again. Keep preaching 👏 🙏
2yrs ago,my mother asked me to move to KY to help her and for companionship. I did, and gladly became the live in maid, cook, landscaper and purse. But that wasn't enough for her. She demanded I pay rent, and complained that I cleaned 'too much' even though at least 3 of her 5 dogs regularly pissed on the new carpet for which I had paid. She kicked me.out of her house in early November.
I am currently living in a nearby RV park, planning everything to move back to Oregon. I am waiting until February, when my brother will come down to live with her.
How can i move without money in other country ?I am in this situation...
@@Aquarius285 could find a job that offers a sign on bonus with housing...
I ended a narc relationship 20 years ago. I took my 14 yr old daughter, left him & divorced him. He abused both of us. I told him if I stayed with him one more day I would lose my mind. He kept saying "You'll be back." It was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. I did not go back. We found our way through some very rough patches & struggled but today are healthy and only have positive relationships. Yesterday I heard from estranged son (daddys golden child) that he was in hospital needed surgery and could die. I don't know how to feel. He put us through so much
I was married 28 yrs. It's bringing back painful memories for me & both my daughters. I couldn't sleep, I want to cry. I don't understand. We live in same town. He is still in hospital. My oldest daughter says she is bitter. We all feel angry I think. I'm going to spend time with daughters today. We need each other. I don't understand our feelings. I think our son thinks we will come see him or help w/ recovery. We can't deal with that. Although he was treated well he knows the harm that was done. Can you help me understand?💜
My Ndad died of Stage 4 pancreatic cancer this month. Even though I was low-contact with him for the last few years, I didn't go to the funeral. His whole family was infested, minus one, maybe.
It's okay to leave NC as it is. It's okay to feel sad n angry at e same time. Listen to your body n your gut. For me, it's a visceral gag reflex when I see them on YT. Pay attention to these signs; some r subtle. Listen well n do what will help YOU n your daughters, not what other ppl want.
If u need love n support, u hav it from us. Internet hugs! Be well.
Keep watching these videos and educate yourself. I get the life and death situation but you do need to do what’s best for you and your daughters may want to go see him and that’s ok but you don’t owe him anything. Look what he has done for you? And you gotta think if the situation was reversed what would he do for you? Probes not as much as you would for him. Idk the full situation but if he is a narcissist you know he hasn’t changed esp if he hasn’t been getting true help and he didn’t do that when he lost you all. Am I right on that part? There are self aware narcissists that actively seek help. This guy laughed you out the door and let you struggle with his kids. I’d have little sympathy for that.
What an awful thing to be experiencing. It brings up everything like a big massive flashback. IMO, I think you may be being "hoovered" and are experiencing "system guilt". Being in relationship with a narcissist, nobody is allowed to be their authentic self. It is more like a cult. Nobody can go against the "dear leader". Nobody is allowed to have their own ideas, ambitions, feelings, opinions. It is a toxic "system" that everyone is in and that system is an extension of the very unwell narcissist, and it suppresses everything authentic in a person. Whenever a person does what is right for them or says "No" or holds boundaries that are keeping them safe and sane, especially if someone may be trying to hoover an escapee back in, old "system guilt" may flood in but is is not YOUR guilt. It is guilt installed by the toxic system meant to keep you falling in line. You do you, stay in your lane and leave them to their experiences. You are not unkind or mean if you don't respond or don't go visit. Nothing good will come from re engaging. He said to you "You'll be back". Don't prove him right.
It's terrible how we have to reinforce decisions we thought we'd already made, and were finished with. It's terrible, but you're not alone in experiencing this. It's common for so many of us.
I worried about when this particular situation would occur in my life. I worried so much, I figured out what I would do when it eventually happened. I'm Irish, from a very old fashioned family. The idea of not being there for someone at the end is like a mortal sin. So I needed to know, ahead of time, how I would stay strong in myself if I got a call like you did. It took a long time for me to figure things out but this is what I think.
I think people use death, or the threat of death as a ' get out of jail free' card. They imagine it somehow justifies the slate being made clean and saying goodbye as if the past didn't happen. Or they imagine someone saying sorry on their death bed carries enough weight to make amends for all the years of abuse. But these are unreasonable ideas. They're extremely harmful to those of us who were hurt. What victim owes an abuser any compassion, if the harm they did was enough they had to get away entirely to save their own life? How could I/you owe them anything at all?
Forcing us to make some sort of gesture of peace even though from their hospital beds, they could never make amends, it's not right. It feels to me like a way of forcing the burden of the abuse back onto the victim, so the abuser can die 'in peace'. If the abuser dies 'in peace' where does that leave the victim?
Like so many other situations, society and families don't support the victims in these circumstances. It isn't socially acceptable to stay away. I think it should be. It should be socially acceptable for me to stay in my own healthy life now. To maintain the protection I've needed from them. To continue on that path I chose, that led me away from them and into a better life.
I'm where I am today because I got out. You're where you are today because you got out. I don't think anyone at all has the right to expect us to go back. I think anyone who does, isn't facing the reality of what we went through.
You might be so triggered and distressed now because it's bringing things up from the past. Or you might be triggered because your subconscious is sending you warnings and memories so that you don't go back. It's possible you're remembering things vividly or feeling things strongly so that you can make an informed decision now about what you'd be walking back into if you did go back.
Whatever happens I wish you well.
Something that makes it more difficult for me is that my mom was a covert narc. She didn't love me and told me all the time. I wish you were never born she would tell me among other cruel things. Everyone loved her. She was so fake and lied all the time. She made us lie mostly to my dad. He didn't know her. She had him so fooled. He thought she was an angel. Of her 8 children she only loved 3. It was very clear to us. I used to reason that she must love me because she feeds me, clothes me things like this. She gave me to her family members who s.a.'d me my whole childhood. She hid this from my dad and all the things she did, ways she treated her unloved children. I don't believe she loved my dad either. Didn't even cry when he died. I was a good daughter. I always loved her and told her I loved her. She would walk away when I said this and wave her hand like she was shooing me away. I took care of her when she was sick. I was always there for her when her other 7 children couldn't or wouldn't take care of her. In a loving manner. Always. She kicked me out of her life many times, if I didn't do what she wanted, when she wanted or how she wanted. I had a family to take care of yet she wanted to control me even if it meant putting my family on the back burner. Then when she was on her deathbed she was very weak but she sat straight up and looked right at me and said "I love you." I was blown away and didn't know what to think. I walked out of the room. Locked myself in the bathroom and just leaned against the sink in shock. I couldn't, didn't accept it. I thought "How dare you say that to me." How dare you. I feel like she was trying to leave this earth with a clean slate. Or she felt guilty. Relieving her own guilt. She died 20 minutes later. I spent the time before her funeral trying to figure how I felt. The answer is I felt relieved. That was all. And I don't feel bad about my feelings. I am ok because I am a Christian. My strong belief in God has brought me through this and help me heal. I live alone and I am happy. I have 2 beautiful daughters who are both Christians, 2 wonderful son in laws and 7 beautiful grandchildren. We are very close knit. I do believe what doesn't kill you can make you stronger. And that my belief in God has helped me come out of the other end of this whole, healed, healthy and strong. I pray the same for anyone else who had to suffer narc abuse. God Bless and Jesus loves you. ❤❤❤
Yeh--takes so much courage to uphold the beat of your own drum when everyone else is joining the chorus of the cowardly, willfully blind crowd.
I'm crying!! I needed to hear this, this is so empowering when I'm feeling so broken and shut down in my current relationship. Dr. Ramani thank you, again and again!
Same here I feel wasted
@@rosannedebattista3671I'm so sorry!
For me it is a cycle of grief, then guilt, then reflect, grief, guilt, reflect. It’s an exhausting cycle trying to rationalize in my mind these types relationships. The guilt from doing what’s best for me is a very strong feeling!
I’ve only needed to hear this 1 video. This is the whole thing wrapped up neat. The sad facts! Good luck everyone.
I noticed each time I grow, especially, if I’m being mindful, instead of arguing. I can’t help but think he’s bread crumbing me. This is sad and confusing. It’s strange if it were a friend I’d say if you’re confused, then you may want to think twice.
Now that I’m paying attention I can see more clearly. My type of personality likes to stand back and observe with boundaries. I also want to improve myself to be functional in my career. For now I will do community service and wait for God to guide and then continue on. Dr. Ramani I have been listening. Now it’s sinking in. It’s getting close to sticking. I do have a safe place I am invited to stay. That eased my mind.
With respect thank you. 🙏
It’s my mum so I’ve just gone minimal contact
It’s crazy making, it really is.
You have to learn to not react to the Criticism or the “love” - neither is real. Look at what you actually want or can cope with and do that.
It's both of mine. All of it runs through generations. It's sad when you realise you didn't have a parent, you had to mentally unwell teenagers playing house who had a child, but all along you were the adult in the room!
@@bereal6590how can i move faster without money in other country because i am in this situations...
Bang on you hit the nail on the head! Sad, depressed, lonely with them sad depressed, lonely without them
Life seems empty either way
it's like touching something so bad that you will never be the same person again, after that touch.. even if you leave them.. you will nvr b the same u were before u met them..
worse being with someone and wishing you were alone than being alone, get a dog
In my case after all the narsisist situation and trauma with the father of my daughters, I'm very happy far away from him. My sad feeling is because after all the bad situation all the injustice circumstances the father of my kids won, he has the girls and he never going to recognize their mistakes. But im in peace and feel thankful with God because gave me understanding to looking for heal. Thanks for sharing peace and blessings to everyone 🙏🏼
I left my covert narc wife of 22 years as an empty shell, over 5 years ago. Every word in this video hits home…I still feel guilty that I should’ve tried harder, done more, found that strength from somewhere. I wouldn’t be here at all if I was still in it…
Got my 1st protection order from court in my 20s & my last order in my 50s
& lots of orders in between to physically protect myself from his violent rages & it was the hoovering and the many enabling voices which included my own mother that landed me back into those awful toxic entanglements with him
Having had group therapy for women suffering with Domestic violence really educated me & I was among my own tribe of women, the cruelty from the multitude of enablers & the loneliness all those years ago from trying to be a single parent who just happened to stand up against a violent malignant narcissist I could never understand people's ignorance
I sincerely hope you are training lots of therapists re -narcissistic abuse as many of them still sadly don't understand it
You truly are an amazing person and I will forever be so very grateful for your excellent daily videos and podcasts
Thank you, Dr.Ramini, for speaking up for your community of survivors ❤
it's a double whammy to be targeted by both a mom and a husband, their twins
Survivors become a walking Conundrum...
Thanks Dr. Ramani, the isolation goes away a little bit when I watch you speak. Your knowledge keeps me on the right track. There isn't anyone close to me that sees it, but knowing there are people like you with a wealth of information on the subject shows it happens to be my circle that don't see it. There are in fact others out there who understand this like, and more, than I do. You're saving lives, and quality of lives.
We feel conflicted to live with them or to leave them. Damned if we do damned if we don't. Leaving is the only option even if feelings are conflicted.
I ended a very toxic relation after 10 years with a covert narcissist in early year 2014.
Now he IS dead since last February 2023. I'm still alive.
No. I never regret that I ended that relation otherwise I ... would have died för many years ago - about year 2014. He was escalate his abusive behavior to trying to kill me with his violent behavior the last 3-4 month of our time together. That was my Wake-Up-Call litterally so I got out from That Very Manipulate Fog and escaped from him 🙏
Well done you !!
Sad is sad. I am trying to find things that make me happy 😊
Exactly. Im happier without him here. Theres a peace without them you will NEVER HAVE WITH THEM. maybe a little lonely without them . Get a dog and dont be lonely.
Oh my goodness 😓 I broke no contact last night. I texted him an early birthday wish. I was dying inside after 4 1/2 weeks no contact. This video seems to have been meant for me. The grief is REAL and crazy making. 💔
Don't beat yourself up for breaking no contact,just pick yourself up & keep on moving
I did exactly the same on Saturday - broke no contact after leaving him three months ago by asking how he was. He didn't reply. I feel like he's won, and now, on top of the grief I feel, my ego's so bruised!
@Julesyoutoo 😖 🫂 We just have to start from scratch. How I WISH there was a way to wake up one day and feel no more heartache. No more suffocating pain. We fell off the proverbial wagon. It may not be the last time, THIS time but eventually (🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻) we will move on. 🥺😔
@@yolondagoode9656 Yes 🥺😔 🙏🏻
Because abusers and enablers will never admit they are being abusive or abuse-enabling, ultimately the only true and real way you can tell you are being abused is by your own reactions and feelings to the abuse. (And of course, abusers and enablers go out of their way to get you to doubt your own reaction and feelings - gaslight). Thank you 👍❤❤❤…
I recently had a nightmare that I was back in my marital home with my ex, and everything was perfect-he was being wonderful, the home felt like home, and I was reunited with the dogs I had to leave behind when I left. When I woke up, the guilt came rushing back. I couldn’t shake the thought that if I had just been a better partner, he might have treated me kindly. It’s such a sad feeling. I tried so hard in my marriage, but the goalposts kept moving, and in the end, I realized I had to choose between him and myself.
same, life or death
Hi.
This video came at a really important time. In fact, I’ve been going through your content more recently.
I got out once from the narcissist relationship I was stuck in, 2 years ago thanks to your content. But then I fell back into it and the feelings of guilt of having left earlier on made me even more entrenched in the relationship. I even started doubting my judgment of her as a narcissist and felt I had overreacted for a long time. Things have happened over the past couple months and I’m ready to leave. I’m just waiting for my finals to be over because I know ending things will bring drama and hell down on me from her rage. I’m thankfully no contact as of now, but I hadn’t communicated it to her- I just let her know through a mutual friend she sicked on me that I’ll reach out myself when things settle down. I feel bad for lying even though when I said that it wasn’t a lie- some things happened since then that just changed my perspective even more. I don’t want to be stuck in the cycle of abuse and manipulation on top of everything else I’m going through. Now our other mutual friend has been hounding me since the past 2 days, and I know it’s the narcissist’s doing. I haven’t responded or picked up because I’m working on papers, however I’m thinking of reaching out in a couple days. But to the narc… I don’t want to reach out ever. She owes me a huge sum of money and my favourite pair of earrings she guilted me into lending her and never returned. But I do not want to reach out, and I’m wondering how I’ll end things when I finals are over…
Sorry for the TMI. I just wanted to thank you for speaking about this. And to also give my two cents that sometimes even having the info/awareness doesn’t lead to clarity. I still wonder at times if I’m the narcissist and have just misjudged her.
We arr hoping things change and hoping we have the better imaginary relationship they don't change
Thry cause so much pain its crazy
Divorced and left after 14 insane years of marriage. Relieved to finally leave. Three weeks later i had a total meltdown. I started to learn about narcissism. I found out what i was going through was normal. So i just did it
Such a simple statement, but it really communicates the heart of the matter. It truly boils down to which ls less painful to us. I never looked at it this way before, this brings me some peace. Back and forth, forth and back, why? I think this gives me closure as to 'why' I have struggled so knowing all I now know and understand. When all you receive in your quest for peace is defiance, how could it be possible to be less painful to stay? THIS, is a devil! The only mercy left to be found resides in the decision itself. Even then, we can't believe we have been reduced to THIS.
One of the best videos EVER!!! Thank you Dr. Ramini ❤❤❤❤
With them!! I'm not validated at all anymore. He is unbearable. I have peace and sleep better.
I'm living so many of the truth she speaks I'm glad I found her here and getting my therapy
Yes, I’m stuck between emotions
I'm not sad without it financially I am as low as I can go. I'm not going back
Wishing survivors all the best of strength to endure one more Christmas. Remember to also embrace the ugly and desperate parts of yourself, especially when you're still craving a way out. Many blessings are on our ways, but only if we are brave enough to see for what it is, and eventually leave. I'm also focusing more on the aspect of understanding that time is relative, that's why comparing myself with others who had different experiences is not valid. The superpower of a survivor is to learn it's own compass. It's to learn to love the time, and to learn to see the grace in enduring, but most importantly, never giving up searching for a new path, away from them. Thanks Dr!
Thank you for these words of comfort, especially at this time of year.
Thank you for this video Dr Ramani and for your caring and empathy for all the survivors (and those still surviving) in the world. Your words really struck a cord and it really moves me. I have been continually been made to feel stupid during my childhood and by my ex. It really means a lot to be reassured that I'm not stupid and that I'm not at fault for not having understood that I was being emotionally abused.
You are saving so many lives with your knowledge. I’m eternally grateful for who you are.
J’adore !! I love you Dr Ramani, it’s so true, it is so important to hear this from you. It has never been so clear!! Thank you!!
My past and present. Thank you for validating me. After a decade of marriage, I finally spoke to the right people and see clearly. On my way out.
Thank you for your courageous dedication to the hard truth. So many pieces of my personal puzzle have found their places. It does leave me trapped in a house of mirrors, indeed a big improvement on being trapped in narcissistic relationships. Considering my earlier unconscious blindness and bad choices (a result of traumas for which I struggle to forgive myself) and the unconscious narcissism of others (causing severe damage to my life, though itself a result of traumas, seeming unforgivable), there appears no venue for redemption. For all I see how right and true (hugely naive, sincerely ignorant) I have been, and for all the recovery work I have done for decades, I have to live with the results. My well-examined life, authenticity and spirituality notwithstanding, narcissism continues to be rewarded in our families, communities and worldly doings. I now treasure my solitude and, if a second heart attack comes, I don't plan to reach for my phone. Perhaps this attitude will change. After all, this is the ninth day of no sunshine, a 32-year record where I live.
thank you for putting into words what so many of us need to hear
The title alone inspires a comment ; naturally I do . And who is gunna fix it . I can’t do it without da right tools . Thankyou beautiful people .
Women with kids get help from shelters,vetc. Right away! If you're an abused woman with a pet there's absolutely no help whatsoever to get out!
Very true. People don't understand. I have two dogs and I refuse to let them be put down because they won't be friendly with anyone else.
Spot on as usual.....the idea of not putting up with narcissistic abuse in a marriage is viewed by "polite" society as a taboo subject and sends them running.
Not only is the relationship over....but all the false friendships who were only there for optics. Double whammy!
Yes, people are extremely cruel and self centered everywhere. Someone who stands up to the abuse will be punished from nearly everyone...........
You are such a blessing, Dr Ramani!! ❤ Happy Holidays to you and everyone here!! Big hugs!! 🤗💕
I would be lost ,ifI didn't have your knowledge about narcissistic!
I've been effected for years,still very painful.❤❤❤
I went through life defending my narcissistic parent's extreme behaviors, because it was drilled into me that I wasn't being "AS abused" by them, as they were as a child.
Thank you for your offerings. I do see the value of therapy hypothetically however have only found harm. You tube and IG have been my saving grace
My heart leaped at 16:12.. when my friends tried to be "understanding" and "offer perspective," they never saw the psychological abuse. They were still in my OLD mindset.. give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe this, maybe that..
Maybe I had proof and was sick of his excuses, lies, and being made out to be a paranoid mistrusting jerk.
Finding people who won't intentionally OR unintentionally invalidate your experience (which is like being gas lit all over again) finally makes one feel sane. I only know one person who knows this type of abuse aside from his ex-wife, so this point about group therapy hit me hard. I hadn't realized I was reading the comments for a sense of belonging and understanding.
I went head to head with my vulnerable narcissistic grandmother. I lost everyone on that side of the family. She was really popular helping out distant cousins and their families. So when we were having arguments she came back with "everyone else loves me, it's just you that have a problem with me". Even my own mother took her side and does to this day. I'm very near no contact with her. It's taken over 2 years of me asking a small favour of her, but when I finally cought up and put my foot down, she stopped calling for over 2 months. When she finally wrote me a message it was nothing to do with me. She wanted me to have granny's new phone number in case I wanted to reach out I guess...I realise I'm the only one being in a real relationship with her. She's been in one with a daughter that isn't me. So heartbreaking to realise you've always been alone. Thankfully I have my partner and that side of the family that has patiently shown me what real love is.
I watched that show and cried when I heard that. Hit the nail on the head.
Took me years to break up
Now that I am out “
I feel sort of numb
But I have moments where I really wonder if breaking up was the right choice ‘
I turn on the the recordings I have of being screamed at in the car
It’s disturbing and sad but I remember fast why I broke up
The reason it isn’t taught in schools is that so many people view narcissism as normal for teens in high school. High school competition at its core is highly narcissistic.People don’t want to win as a team. They want to take that winning shot every time.
I used to feel conflicted about ending narcy relationships when I didn’t know what they were….in the case of family,we are taught you stay with and connected to them because it’s ‘family’….when my life and stability was on the line,the cut off was swift and I didn’t look back.
It was hard but then I remembered all the horrible things that happened and the memories didn't go away. I guess that was a blessing. He was married to the drink and never would stop drinking, in fact, it got worse over time. Narc + drink is a very dark place.
I think it was meant for me to see this...i just got out of a narcissistic relationship in june. About 17yrs given trying to understand why nothing i did was good enough. Now im currently trying to heal and figure myself out. I actually started a yt channel to help with my healing process. Thank you for this video. I almost cried hearing that validation bc its so true. 😢
Thank you Dr. Ramani that you are between us to help us sooooo much🙏🏻💫💛
I hope to find a person like you with your knowledge to “work” with me to help me in my country, Greece. You are a light in our dark soul. Thanks a lot🙏🏻
Thank you Dr. Ramani. You're a saviour 🙌
Going through this right now after finally leaving an 18 year marriage with 2 kids 🙏 thanks in part to your videos Dr. Ramini
Dr Ramani you are right. Wow I’m gonna watch it again. Wow Thankyou you describe it to the T. I pray for your own healing and strength because I believe you have had to go through this yourself. ❤
Your videos do have a pattern for perfect timing
I theorize the fearful avoidant is the most likely to be described as the narcissist. Who pedestalizes (anxious) then discards (avoidant).
I miss the sex and companionship, but in the relationship I didn't want it and wanted to get away. Being an adult child and working that program I realized I can experience two completely different polar opposites to my feelings. I always thought it had to be one or the other and if I felt two different ways about something than it meant that I was the crazy one.
Filing for divorce from my wife was the hardest and most heartbreaking thing I have ever had to do, but it was clear that she was never going to work things out to our mutual benefit. A year and a half out and it still breaks my heart.
I wonder how one would go about finding a support group…
Another "Out of the Park" talk. So true, so true.
Yes! I’ve gone back and forth three times and regretting this last time because I’ve lost my voice but as he’s being good I feel like I owe him to stay … I couldn’t stay away because I missed him and was just a wreck but no one could understand why I was so sad. But I feel that sadness being with him again and wondering who he’s texting and actually meeting.
Listening to this made me cry. 6 yrs after getting out and I am still messed up. He disappears for a while them comes back around. I wish I could move away. Even though there is no relationship it drags me backward.
Magical thinking indeed. Thank you so much for your wonderful insights.
trauma bond! you broke it all the way down 💯🎯‼️🔥
Love this Doc ❤
So true! When its your son the shame is awful as u know some of it is my fault 25% at least. Its so hard not to think is it betrayal? Is it me that's bad? I need these TH-cam's and book as its my sanity lifeline! Thankyou....its so so sad and painful .
What makes it tough to understand is that narcissists and their enablers are agreeing with your worst fears - that you are the problem.
Thank you Doctor Ramani 😊
CUT OFF MY NARC AND FEELS LIKE I GOT RID OF A CARBUNCLE. GREEEEEEAAAATT!!!
It’s much easier for people to hear the abused person is suffering than to make the narcissist accountable for their horrendous acts of cruelty.
Dr. Ramani I resonate with what you are saying. 🌻
I knew I had reached such a confirmation point when he had an accident and was in the hospital and I felt free and happy. Not happy he was in pain. Don’t get me wrong. Happy I could be me
From a very young age, I learned to suffer in silence. Nobody cares, nor did, nor will. People are really heartless and sadistic, just keep to yourself and move on. You're just a number, you don't matter.
I’m so drained from the relationship, it’s current problems, it’s past damage and the patterns, navigating 24/7 has worn me away
thank you and take care stay safe everyone and merry christmas
Thanks
I've been "leaving by degrees" (credit for that idea goes somewhere but I've been on this journey for a long time & I just don't remember that bit of info) so I am not conflicted out of love for him. I do remember telling a friend, as she & I stood in the driveway of my farmstead as my cpan husband abandoned me for his months-long trip to our other home in the mountains, that I don't miss him anymore. He has been doing his own thing all these years & I eventually learned how to do my own thing by his example, except that my own thing also included financially & emotionally raising children and doing their things while he had freedom from that responsibility. I've actually been waiting for him to die knowing that, since he has no conscience, he won't get ill - his body isn't "keeping score" but he is 12 years older than I. I now know, after 32'ish years I'll have to get out. The only part that conflicts me now is that I could continue the wait & be in this familiar stage but if I initiate a divorce, he will become difficult in a different way; I’ve been going along to get along all these years & it'll take him by surprise.
This was a great video, thank you for sharing!!