Avoidants are not responsible for the trauma that created them, but they are absolutely responsible for the trauma they cause others. Place blame where blame is due to
Honestly when I took responsibility for EVERY dimension of my life (& stopped blaming anyone for anything) things became so much easier (after a lot of self-forgiveness). 🙏💫✨
You know what; Avoidants find fault with you when they are triggered. They are sabotaging you the partner. Stop blaming the partner. Avoidants sabotage relationships. It doesn't matter if you're another Avoidant, Secure, or Anxious. The Avoidant will drive and bury that relationship into the ground. There is nothing anyone can do to stop the Avoidant from ripping the rug from under you.
As much as I want the person back I fell in love with, I know that person is unavailable to me anymore. It feels like watching these videos honestly just keeps me tethered to her. No matter how much I understand about her and why she is being this way, it doesn't make it hurt any less to be discarded. She is the one who needs to be watching the videos, but according to her, I was the problem. I was the one who "flipped out". I saw so much potential in her. I gave her everything and I was so willing to fight for her and the relationship. I just asked her to meet me halfway. I asked her to communicate with me, and although she committed to that, she ultimately couldn't keep up her side of a relationship she said she wanted. **** her, she doesn't deserve my tears anymore.
I can SO relate to this. You're not alone. I agree. They don't deserve our tears. Sometimes I cry them if I need to though. But ..for me, not her. Because I deserve to heal and get that poison out of me. I wish her love. I truly do. But the damage she did to me I can never go back to.
We are with you on this! I believe all of us are going through the same pain, disappointment but something I am taking from these videos is.. IF THEY ARE NOT WILLING TO CHANGE, they simply will not be there for you.
Do you know Cori what is really amazing about your content here. On one hand,you declare the issues, shed a light on it, on the other hand you take accountability on how to tackle, reflect on and study our shit and move on. The analogy is quite absorbing! This chase game. This secretive game we tend to play unconsciously.
Corri, I’ve only just found you in the past 3 weeks and my only regret is not finding you sooner. Thank you so much for making it all somewhat make sense. I appreciate you! 💕
Your videos are so therapeutic and supportive. They've helped me a lot these past 5 months and its sure as hell taking time to heal - I'm not sure I ever fully will though.
The only overwhelming anxious tendency I have is to inundate him with all these dismissive avoidant videos. I’m honestly pretty sure he’s never heard the term. BUT, now that I’m healing I also understand that it’s not my job to fix him. AND, it wasn’t hard for me, through a series of Google searches, to find this information. So, I know that if my ex gets serious about his own healing… he will come to this information on his own and will be receptive to learning more at that time. Thank you, Corri!
@alona724 Nope, it won't do a hill of beans any good. If they are Avoidant, they will just see it as another criticism of them. They the Avoidant have to do the work themselves i.e. find these videos themselves. Because if they do it themselves, then they want to learn and are in a reflective state with their actions. Hard I know to stop yourself from doing some of the leg work for them. They just won't appreciate your efforts, and it will drive them away even further.
@Apbt-rv7zw yes, 100% true. When I sent a video, they ignored it and ghosted me for 6 months, after which they sent a text saying "hope I'm well." I didn't respond since they weren't acknowledging anything was wrong with their 6 months of ignoring, so I did the same and went no contact by blocking once and for all. Hopefully they heal but if not that is OK as I'm the one who needed to heal my inner stuff. I am doing the hard work instead of avoiding. Feels freeing
Another great video which helps put many things back into perspective, & a reminder to take responsibility for our own part in the mix, thank you. On 12hr shifts on site now for 15 days (Perth) but will respond to your email over the next day or so, thank you for your response.
Give the Avoidant all the space they want by walking away. Very Rarely will an Avoidant look in the mirror and work with their partner to heal a relationship, it's easier for them to stonewall you. Don't waste your time and definitely don't believe the "I'll work on it" line.
But in the end he did blame me for trying to work on the problems and said that he doesn’t love me anymore. He even said there were things that were „not normal“ about me and that I didn’t accept his heavy metal music. And then said he will find someone who knows his limits.
They cared as much as they could. But they probably don’t have the “emotional bandwidth” to love you. Very sad. That’s according to this video of Dr Sarah Hensley anyway. Once you’re associated with their fears about commitment, closeness, and conflict their feelings for you are suppressed by their fears. th-cam.com/video/c9SAzgq7L1M/w-d-xo.htmlsi=PirmOMUUbTgx_6JS
I think I learned is I have to work on my anxious attachment to be more secure so I avoid someone who is an avoidant. 😅 That was the most traumatic experience in my life
I have a question for everyone who has some kind of experience with ADHD. Is it frequently correlated with avoidant behavior? My ex, who had it, recently broke up with me. She switched in a few days from being enthusiastic and in love to coldness, then to ghosting, and finally she said she needed time for herself although "she still loves me". I understand that there is not a common explanation for everyone, but I am so puzzled and heartbroken by what happened that finding some sort of clarification may help. BTW Corri, thank you so much for your videos, they are helping a lot
Hi Marco, In October I became friends dog walking at a rescue with an Italian guy who is divorced. He asked for my number before going to Italy and flooded me with texts while there. We went on 2 dates when he came back and then 2 weeks later he pulled back. Nothing was said and although a bit awkward at first we still walked dogs together. Then he went away at christmas and daily sent texts with mixed messages. I knew it would be temporary and so now it’s back to occasional friendly texts and dog walks. I haven’t dated for years so this behaviour and lovebombing by text is a new and interesting thing to observe. I thought it was because he is Italian initially! During this time I’ve noticed he has ADHD and I've read it is often linked to avoidance. It seems to me although he likes me, once he realises the effort he will need to make he backs off, especially as he has a busy job and we live an hour’s drive away. And I read this emotional distance can be due to often being criticised for being lazy etc (ADHD) in childhood (and no doubt in the marriage) and so it could also be he’s afraid to try for it mot to work out again. But I'm done trying to work him out and have now let go of any romantic ideas and am happy to just be friends with him.
Nope. ADHD only concerns executive funtions. It may cause people to be a bit more thrill seeking, but it wont explain any of the behavior you describe.
Is it normal for them to break up with you after two years due to long distance? Still tell you they love you and feel this isn’t the end, then go cold a few weeks later when they “fall” for someone?
When things were going south I said to my ex, that he’s like a little shy kitty hiding under the bed. You psspsspss them, and with muuuuuuch patience they stick their head out or - if lucky - you can pet them. But don’t you dare to make the wrong move, move too fast or move at all: they‘re gone faster than a lightning bolt. And then they hiss at you even if you were the one who just wanted to love them right. Well, here we are… lesson learned. I will not psspsspss grown ass men anymore. 🤷♀️🫠
Need advice please my avoidant possible narc ex told me a few days ago he is out the country and will speak to me properly end of the month when he is back.i knew he was lying and iv caught him out he is still here but he doesnt know that i know.now do i wait for the end of the month and confront him and block him or do i stay completely silent for good especially if he does not contact?im done with chasing!
Stay silent for good. It is going to be very hard for you and is going to be very painful. Please walk away. Yes, they lie. Yes they blame everyone else but themselves. If you stay you will cause yourself so much hard
Avoidants are not responsible for the trauma that created them, but they are absolutely responsible for the trauma they cause others. Place blame where blame is due to
Honestly when I took responsibility for EVERY dimension of my life (& stopped blaming anyone for anything) things became so much easier (after a lot of self-forgiveness). 🙏💫✨
Absolutely agree 💯
You know what; Avoidants find fault with you when they are triggered. They are sabotaging you the partner. Stop blaming the partner.
Avoidants sabotage relationships. It doesn't matter if you're another Avoidant, Secure, or Anxious. The Avoidant will drive and bury that relationship into the ground. There is nothing anyone can do to stop the Avoidant from ripping the rug from under you.
Avoidant is not just avoidant, they’re Narcissist too. They are arrogant and coward.
two seperate things actually.
As much as I want the person back I fell in love with, I know that person is unavailable to me anymore. It feels like watching these videos honestly just keeps me tethered to her. No matter how much I understand about her and why she is being this way, it doesn't make it hurt any less to be discarded. She is the one who needs to be watching the videos, but according to her, I was the problem. I was the one who "flipped out". I saw so much potential in her. I gave her everything and I was so willing to fight for her and the relationship. I just asked her to meet me halfway. I asked her to communicate with me, and although she committed to that, she ultimately couldn't keep up her side of a relationship she said she wanted. **** her, she doesn't deserve my tears anymore.
I can SO relate to this. You're not alone. I agree. They don't deserve our tears. Sometimes I cry them if I need to though. But ..for me, not her. Because I deserve to heal and get that poison out of me. I wish her love. I truly do. But the damage she did to me I can never go back to.
We are with you on this! I believe all of us are going through the same pain, disappointment but something I am taking from these videos is.. IF THEY ARE NOT WILLING TO CHANGE, they simply will not be there for you.
Do you know Cori what is really amazing about your content here. On one hand,you declare the issues, shed a light on it, on the other hand you take accountability on how to tackle, reflect on and study our shit and move on.
The analogy is quite absorbing!
This chase game. This secretive game we tend to play unconsciously.
Corri, I’ve only just found you in the past 3 weeks and my only regret is not finding you sooner. Thank you so much for making it all somewhat make sense. I appreciate you! 💕
Your videos are so therapeutic and supportive. They've helped me a lot these past 5 months and its sure as hell taking time to heal - I'm not sure I ever fully will though.
Love your jumper 😊
The only overwhelming anxious tendency I have is to inundate him with all these dismissive avoidant videos. I’m honestly pretty sure he’s never heard the term. BUT, now that I’m healing I also understand that it’s not my job to fix him. AND, it wasn’t hard for me, through a series of Google searches, to find this information. So, I know that if my ex gets serious about his own healing… he will come to this information on his own and will be receptive to learning more at that time. Thank you, Corri!
@alona724 Nope, it won't do a hill of beans any good. If they are Avoidant, they will just see it as another criticism of them. They the Avoidant have to do the work themselves i.e. find these videos themselves. Because if they do it themselves, then they want to learn and are in a reflective state with their actions. Hard I know to stop yourself from doing some of the leg work for them. They just won't appreciate your efforts, and it will drive them away even further.
@Apbt-rv7zw yes, 100% true. When I sent a video, they ignored it and ghosted me for 6 months, after which they sent a text saying "hope I'm well." I didn't respond since they weren't acknowledging anything was wrong with their 6 months of ignoring, so I did the same and went no contact by blocking once and for all. Hopefully they heal but if not that is OK as I'm the one who needed to heal my inner stuff. I am doing the hard work instead of avoiding. Feels freeing
@@helenpauline7 Good on you!!!
This was very enlightening and healing
I love this Corri ❤
Thank you for your brilliant work.x
Brilliant. Thank you !
Another great video which helps put many things back into perspective, & a reminder to take responsibility for our own part in the mix, thank you.
On 12hr shifts on site now for 15 days (Perth) but will respond to your email over the next day or so, thank you for your response.
Give the Avoidant all the space they want by walking away. Very Rarely will an Avoidant look in the mirror and work with their partner to heal a relationship, it's easier for them to stonewall you.
Don't waste your time and definitely don't believe the "I'll work on it" line.
appreciate this advice and help
Thank you Corri ❤
But in the end he did blame me for trying to work on the problems and said that he doesn’t love me anymore. He even said there were things that were „not normal“ about me and that I didn’t accept his heavy metal music. And then said he will find someone who knows his limits.
Amazing
They cared as much as they could. But they probably don’t have the “emotional bandwidth” to love you. Very sad. That’s according to this video of Dr Sarah Hensley anyway. Once you’re associated with their fears about commitment, closeness, and conflict their feelings for you are suppressed by their fears. th-cam.com/video/c9SAzgq7L1M/w-d-xo.htmlsi=PirmOMUUbTgx_6JS
YES Key is not take it personally 🙌
lol I finally detached from them but good luck to him ❤
I think I learned is I have to work on my anxious attachment to be more secure so I avoid someone who is an avoidant. 😅 That was the most traumatic experience in my life
My ex is a severe da just crazy how accurate this is she broke my heart and me 😢i hate her for that unforgivable
I have a question for everyone who has some kind of experience with ADHD. Is it frequently correlated with avoidant behavior? My ex, who had it, recently broke up with me. She switched in a few days from being enthusiastic and in love to coldness, then to ghosting, and finally she said she needed time for herself although "she still loves me". I understand that there is not a common explanation for everyone, but I am so puzzled and heartbroken by what happened that finding some sort of clarification may help. BTW Corri, thank you so much for your videos, they are helping a lot
Hi Marco,
In October I became friends dog walking at a rescue with an Italian guy who is divorced. He asked for my number before going to Italy and flooded me with texts while there. We went on 2 dates when he came back and then 2 weeks later he pulled back. Nothing was said and although a bit awkward at first we still walked dogs together. Then he went away at christmas and daily sent texts with mixed messages. I knew it would be temporary and so now it’s back to occasional friendly texts and dog walks.
I haven’t dated for years so this behaviour and lovebombing by text is a new and interesting thing to observe. I thought it was because he is Italian initially!
During this time I’ve noticed he has ADHD and I've read it is often linked to avoidance. It seems to me although he likes me, once he realises the effort he will need to make he backs off, especially as he has a busy job and we live an hour’s drive away. And I read this emotional distance can be due to often being criticised for being lazy etc (ADHD) in childhood (and no doubt in the marriage) and so it could also be he’s afraid to try for it mot to work out again. But I'm done trying to work him out and have now let go of any romantic ideas and am happy to just be friends with him.
Nope. ADHD only concerns executive funtions. It may cause people to be a bit more thrill seeking, but it wont explain any of the behavior you describe.
Is it normal for them to break up with you after two years due to long distance? Still tell you they love you and feel this isn’t the end, then go cold a few weeks later when they “fall” for someone?
Ask their family members who they talk about. It was every other sentence for me, always with high regard...
When things were going south I said to my ex, that he’s like a little shy kitty hiding under the bed. You psspsspss them, and with muuuuuuch patience they stick their head out or - if lucky - you can pet them. But don’t you dare to make the wrong move, move too fast or move at all: they‘re gone faster than a lightning bolt. And then they hiss at you even if you were the one who just wanted to love them right.
Well, here we are… lesson learned. I will not psspsspss grown ass men anymore. 🤷♀️🫠
Need advice please my avoidant possible narc ex told me a few days ago he is out the country and will speak to me properly end of the month when he is back.i knew he was lying and iv caught him out he is still here but he doesnt know that i know.now do i wait for the end of the month and confront him and block him or do i stay completely silent for good especially if he does not contact?im done with chasing!
Stay silent for good. It is going to be very hard for you and is going to be very painful. Please walk away. Yes, they lie. Yes they blame everyone else but themselves. If you stay you will cause yourself so much hard
Fool I was i gave and gave and gave now I'm left with 3 kids the load I huge I hate it all