Love these longer videos! You explained everything so clearly and thoroughly. It's so difficult being on the receiving end of the avoidant's "loss of feelings" because of their lack of self reflection and no communication to their partner.
Same here. I also got a break up text after 12 years together & a child. I kept getting the "i dont know why. There's something wrong with me inside." It's been 3 months now & finally getting better & thriving way more than I was in life
I heard “I’m in love with you” one week and the next week, something opposite of that. Talk about crazy making communication. Glad to be out of that mess.
I’m pretty sure this is exactly my girlfriend. First 2-3 months were bliss - she used the word “enamoured” almost on the daily.. would send me selfies with little message about how much she misses her boyfriend.. she even talked about wanting to marry me someday, and got a picture of us framed after only 1 month together. Then a sudden shift, mostly noticeable by the lack of love and affection in messages… we’d barely talk unless I’d initiate contact. She cited her “chaotic life” (which granted there IS a certain amount of chaos) “work” and trying to find a balance with work, kids and me. But the real kicker is that even tho we are seeing each other less (I’m trying to adapt to that in the hopes of being understanding) the times in between are still so “emotionless” on her end. She’ll only say “love you too” ONLY as a response to me saying it. It’s to the point where the lack of love in between seeing her leaves me feeling empty and then when I see her it’s almost awkward???? She’s had very toxic relationships before me, so a lot of the video makes sense and I feel it describes her to a T .. regardless, this is so hard to deal with..😢
" I'm just not into you as you are into me". Said by a 72 year old to his 62 year old lady after 3 years of blissful relationship. Such a senseless break up !
Thank you for taking off your cap . It shows respect for your audience and it avoids distraction. Your new format and image is greatly improved. Thank you!
Unfortunately, this is all true. Sadly, I've lived it. I've heard the words 'I love you but I'm not in love with you'. That obviously hurt so much. I poured into this man, and we had some truly incredible moments together, memories which I will cherish forever, and then... he'd sabotage everything. At first, I was blindsided, I couldn't understand why he'd throw away something that most people spend a lifetime looking for. Despite all the hurt and pain he caused me, I still love him very much, but I can’t force anyone to do anything they don't want to. I'd happily stand by his side if he wanted to heal, do the inner work, and over time become more securely attached, but... I'm walking my path alone now, and focusing on my inner healing.
I was with severely avoidant 18 years, I was secure but became anxious! I had no choice to end the relationship because I moved to the US to marry him and have kids! He’s pulled away and deactivated immediately. I was suffered and lonely but I had to live with it! He’s very immature and selfish! As soon as I checked out and prepared for divorce, he told everyone even the kids that I don’t know she wanted to divorce!
Really good job. Ryan of articulating, the avoidant discard and the reasons for it. My recent breakup was with a partner who almost certainly presents as an FA. In some ways, leaning dismissive, in other ways leaning close to secure. Regardless, about 80 to 90% of what you present here resonates deeply. She had an absent father and a mentally unwell mother. Though her memories of her mother are mostly positive, she admits that there was plenty of turmoil. Her mother was also incarcerated for a period of time when she was very young. Anyway, thanks for the longer than usual talk. It helps.
The irony is that this video explains so much, but to share it with my Dismissive Avoidant wife would do even more damage because it would only reinforce her core wound -- that I would think she is defective and not enough to be a loving, emotionally-available partner. She would have to be self-aware enough and value our relationship enough to take ownership, and sadly, I don't think she is willing and able to do the necessary work on herself.
I needed this video a year ago, it would have eliminated all videos l had to watch to try and discover what went wrong with my wife. This particular video explains it all.
Not only did I hear all the typical avoidant excuses but I heard “I kissed you the other day and didn’t like it or dislike it. It just felt like nothing”
I told her what I need and how it harms me. She started to slowly fade away nonetheless, still pretending everything is fine when we see each other. After waiting for her for 15 days without knowing if she is dead or alive she appeared and seemed better than ever. Except, completely ignoring my emotions and how I felt and that I told her already that I wont live my life like that. This was some two weeks ago. Seeing that I will be "buried alive" soon, I preemptively stopped all contact and will not approach her. It hurts like hell but I wont accommodate anyone's disorders without them at least trying actively. She can approach me, show me initiative and dedication and that she values what we have/had and that she is undergoing therapy. There is a chance that she is in therapy (everything about her is secret) and this could be a golden opportunity for them to work on it and make some progress. Otherwise, as I said, I wont be living my life like that for anyone. Its insanely hurtful and everything directly opposite of what my being needs in this life.
It makes u wanna pull your hair out right?! Im right there with u man, dealing with the exact same scenario. Did your partner come on incredibly strong at the start and tell you that u were their everything? Feels so good in the moment but as the coach says, it’s more like a fairytale
@@dandalorian2470 Even worse, she was emotionally and mentally a wreck when i found her. Our meeting was mutual, I chose her as much as she chose me. Thats a fact I can explain. I did find her attractive but I was more concerned about whats wrong with her. I started visiting her without even having any hopes. During two months of quite intensive time spent together, she linearly, inexplicably and amazingly recovered. To the point that I started developing feelings towards her, not out of pity but like towards a fellow (female) human being. As soon as I expressed some of those feelings, she started appearing less often. Its as if our time together freed her up of most of her anxiety, paranoia and some other crap but also didnt feed her but her AvPD disorder. First time she left me to wait for her for 3 days, I told her it hurts me not to know whats happening. She heard that and said nothing. Next time, she left me for 6 days, no explanation, no empathy, no nothing. Last time, she left me to wait for her for 15 days without knowing what is happening. As I said already, I didnt know if she is dead or alive (she is not allowed phone and internet). When she appeared finally, she looked healthiest and better than ever. Still no recognition of what I went through. Enough is enough. I am not going back. I raised her from the dumpster, I still like her, I wish her all the best but without therapy, I wont tolerate this or anything similar for anyone who ever lived or will live. Does it still resonate?
It sounds like you took on a LOT. But you’re brave and caring for doing so. My situation is definitely a lot more tame, just a lot of “wtf’s” and head scratching..
@ When I started meeting her, very soon I decided to make a diary. I never in my life had a diary but I felt its important to write things down. Now I have most details written down instead of forgetting or "fusing" them. I am still hopeful that she will decide to undergo intensive therapy (which she described as "erasing of her previous life"). Without it, its heart-wrenching but I simply cannot ruin my life to this degree. I grew up surrounded by some narcissists and I will do everything to avoid that in my life when I can choose. Its still not over. It could still be a bigger-than-movie outcome, grave disappointment or anything in between. Uncertainty itself is exhausting but there is no option. Thank you for listening buddy. I hope you find a way yourself and further enrich your life instead of ruining it like most people do.
@@MarkoKraguljacyou bet bud. All we can do is try our best - yet be able to have the wherewithal to know when you’ve hit your limit and when enough is enough. The heart can only ache so f&cking much before the ties need to be severed!! Good luck to you as well❤
"I was told we view life different , the world is changing and people are ignorant (I'm also people), " only because I had a different opinion on the absurd things he would say. I wouldn't go back there guys,yes it hurts but the NC made me realize how lost I was in that relationship it was all about him and him alone and it's worse if he has the means and you don't.
@CoachRyan Dear coach, could you record a video on the topic "is avoidant jealous of his ex-partner, and how they reacts when his ex-partner is in a new and happy relationship" it will be a very helpful material for many of us and also very popular. Thank you 🤗🙏
strong ending there it's just too bad we tend to be attracted to this attachment style. there is a woman who is so good and sweet and loving, who wants to help me pick up the pieces and fix that person's mess. she is being patient with me, but i fear i may never feel whatever it was I felt before, with her. because this person is so kind, and loving, and nice. and i only want those women with far-away eyes
Now i understand my ex was married for 10 years but when i asked why relationship ended he said he walked away. After following him up i googled then Emotionally unavailable but now i get the full picture. I feel for him. After 2 yrs of no contact he came just because Christmas and how sorry he felt then when i declined to meet him. He deactivated and went on flight mode upto now. I feel for him but his behavior not acceptable he hasn't worked on himself guess soo
Liking this educational vid without the dramatic voice and music 😄 Related, it’s been months in radio silence and I think I’m moving towards becoming secure/DA from AA 🙄
This was a super good explanation of why the avoidant "falls out of love." There's only one thing I wished you had touched on (because I'd like to share this with my husband)... Due to continually feeling emotionally unsafe with my husband, my libido completely shut down. It drove us both crazy. He felt rejected, like I didn't desire him, and I felt totally confused by it because I loved him deeply and did desire him. But my body said no but I had no idea why. I went to doctors, watched videos, read books, etc. but couldn't figure it out. I had blood work done and my hormones were off the charts low. I was like, hallelujah! This will fix it! My brain fog cleared a bit and my chronic fatigue lessened but still no libido. 😭 He eventually dismissed me for another woman. Soon after that, I was researching his attachment style and it hit me how emotionally robbed I was in our marriage. We had never really bonded emotionally. I would try to communicate how I felt and that we to share our hearts more and spend more time together. That would always be met with a 20 minute lecture about my faults. Eventually I stopped trying to share my heart with him because it was too painful. We became roommates. We've been separated for 4 months now and he is still with his affair partner. Sadly, after I figured out what happened to my libido, I've been in an almost constant state if arousal. Life is so unfair sometimes. I was hoping for reconciliation but I'll probably file for divorce.
Love these longer videos! You explained everything so clearly and thoroughly. It's so difficult being on the receiving end of the avoidant's "loss of feelings" because of their lack of self reflection and no communication to their partner.
I heard, "I don't know why," so many times during the discard. It was really jarring and upsetting and made me question everything.
Mine said it over and over like a robot. We were great and then poof...done.
💯 Same here. Unfathomable.
Same. "I don't know why"
Ha, at least you got a response of some kind. I was discarded overnight with no prior warning that things were off. That was 4 months ago now...
Same here. I also got a break up text after 12 years together & a child. I kept getting the "i dont know why. There's something wrong with me inside." It's been 3 months now & finally getting better & thriving way more than I was in life
Coach, you have taught me so much. I don't know how i would have gotten through the last year without your coaching. Thank you
🥇✨👌🏼
I heard “I’m in love with you” one week and the next week, something opposite of that. Talk about crazy making communication. Glad to be out of that mess.
I really like this format with no music!
I’m pretty sure this is exactly my girlfriend. First 2-3 months were bliss - she used the word “enamoured” almost on the daily.. would send me selfies with little message about how much she misses her boyfriend.. she even talked about wanting to marry me someday, and got a picture of us framed after only 1 month together. Then a sudden shift, mostly noticeable by the lack of love and affection in messages… we’d barely talk unless I’d initiate contact. She cited her “chaotic life” (which granted there IS a certain amount of chaos) “work” and trying to find a balance with work, kids and me. But the real kicker is that even tho we are seeing each other less (I’m trying to adapt to that in the hopes of being understanding) the times in between are still so “emotionless” on her end. She’ll only say “love you too” ONLY as a response to me saying it. It’s to the point where the lack of love in between seeing her leaves me feeling empty and then when I see her it’s almost awkward????
She’s had very toxic relationships before me, so a lot of the video makes sense and I feel it describes her to a T .. regardless, this is so hard to deal with..😢
Thank you Coach. I really needed this as you basically painted a picture of my reality the last month and a half. I feel understood.
" I'm just not into you as you are into me". Said by a 72 year old to his 62 year old lady after 3 years of blissful relationship. Such a senseless break up !
Thank you for taking off your cap . It shows respect for your audience and it avoids distraction. Your new format and image is greatly improved. Thank you!
Unfortunately, this is all true. Sadly, I've lived it. I've heard the words 'I love you but I'm not in love with you'. That obviously hurt so much. I poured into this man, and we had some truly incredible moments together, memories which I will cherish forever, and then... he'd sabotage everything. At first, I was blindsided, I couldn't understand why he'd throw away something that most people spend a lifetime looking for. Despite all the hurt and pain he caused me, I still love him very much, but I can’t force anyone to do anything they don't want to. I'd happily stand by his side if he wanted to heal, do the inner work, and over time become more securely attached, but... I'm walking my path alone now, and focusing on my inner healing.
Again, thank you. Your my sanity check in dealing with an avoidant 😂
Coach Ryan :
I see you giving us extra, Thanks for the longer than usual talk.
I was with severely avoidant 18 years, I was secure but became anxious! I had no choice to end the relationship because I moved to the US to marry him and have kids! He’s pulled away and deactivated immediately. I was suffered and lonely but I had to live with it! He’s very immature and selfish!
As soon as I checked out and prepared for divorce, he told everyone even the kids that I don’t know she wanted to divorce!
Really good job. Ryan of articulating, the avoidant discard and the reasons for it. My recent breakup was with a partner who almost certainly presents as an FA. In some ways, leaning dismissive, in other ways leaning close to secure. Regardless, about 80 to 90% of what you present here resonates deeply. She had an absent father and a mentally unwell mother. Though her memories of her mother are mostly positive, she admits that there was plenty of turmoil. Her mother was also incarcerated for a period of time when she was very young. Anyway, thanks for the longer than usual talk. It helps.
Great explanation. Thankyou 😊
The irony is that this video explains so much, but to share it with my Dismissive Avoidant wife would do even more damage because it would only reinforce her core wound -- that I would think she is defective and not enough to be a loving, emotionally-available partner. She would have to be self-aware enough and value our relationship enough to take ownership, and sadly, I don't think she is willing and able to do the necessary work on herself.
My ex never say anything! But he’s isolated and distanced!
This is the best video out there explaining why avoidants do what the do. Keep up the good work!
Brief, on point analysis!
Amazing explanation, totally resonating with this. no oxytocin bond ! such a waste of emotions 💔 #blindsided Thank you 🙏
I needed this video a year ago, it would have eliminated all videos l had to watch to try and discover what went wrong with my wife. This particular video explains it all.
22 mins okay Ryan I see you giving us extra, thank you for everything x
I see you giving us extra, Thanks for the longer than usual talk.
Not only did I hear all the typical avoidant excuses but I heard “I kissed you the other day and didn’t like it or dislike it. It just felt like nothing”
This is the very BEST talk on this topic I've listened to, thank you. 😎👍🏻
I told her what I need and how it harms me. She started to slowly fade away nonetheless, still pretending everything is fine when we see each other. After waiting for her for 15 days without knowing if she is dead or alive she appeared and seemed better than ever. Except, completely ignoring my emotions and how I felt and that I told her already that I wont live my life like that. This was some two weeks ago. Seeing that I will be "buried alive" soon, I preemptively stopped all contact and will not approach her. It hurts like hell but I wont accommodate anyone's disorders without them at least trying actively. She can approach me, show me initiative and dedication and that she values what we have/had and that she is undergoing therapy. There is a chance that she is in therapy (everything about her is secret) and this could be a golden opportunity for them to work on it and make some progress. Otherwise, as I said, I wont be living my life like that for anyone. Its insanely hurtful and everything directly opposite of what my being needs in this life.
It makes u wanna pull your hair out right?! Im right there with u man, dealing with the exact same scenario. Did your partner come on incredibly strong at the start and tell you that u were their everything? Feels so good in the moment but as the coach says, it’s more like a fairytale
@@dandalorian2470 Even worse, she was emotionally and mentally a wreck when i found her. Our meeting was mutual, I chose her as much as she chose me. Thats a fact I can explain. I did find her attractive but I was more concerned about whats wrong with her. I started visiting her without even having any hopes. During two months of quite intensive time spent together, she linearly, inexplicably and amazingly recovered. To the point that I started developing feelings towards her, not out of pity but like towards a fellow (female) human being. As soon as I expressed some of those feelings, she started appearing less often. Its as if our time together freed her up of most of her anxiety, paranoia and some other crap but also didnt feed her but her AvPD disorder. First time she left me to wait for her for 3 days, I told her it hurts me not to know whats happening. She heard that and said nothing. Next time, she left me for 6 days, no explanation, no empathy, no nothing. Last time, she left me to wait for her for 15 days without knowing what is happening. As I said already, I didnt know if she is dead or alive (she is not allowed phone and internet). When she appeared finally, she looked healthiest and better than ever. Still no recognition of what I went through. Enough is enough. I am not going back. I raised her from the dumpster, I still like her, I wish her all the best but without therapy, I wont tolerate this or anything similar for anyone who ever lived or will live.
Does it still resonate?
It sounds like you took on a LOT. But you’re brave and caring for doing so. My situation is definitely a lot more tame, just a lot of “wtf’s” and head scratching..
@ When I started meeting her, very soon I decided to make a diary. I never in my life had a diary but I felt its important to write things down. Now I have most details written down instead of forgetting or "fusing" them. I am still hopeful that she will decide to undergo intensive therapy (which she described as "erasing of her previous life"). Without it, its heart-wrenching but I simply cannot ruin my life to this degree. I grew up surrounded by some narcissists and I will do everything to avoid that in my life when I can choose. Its still not over. It could still be a bigger-than-movie outcome, grave disappointment or anything in between. Uncertainty itself is exhausting but there is no option.
Thank you for listening buddy. I hope you find a way yourself and further enrich your life instead of ruining it like most people do.
@@MarkoKraguljacyou bet bud. All we can do is try our best - yet be able to have the wherewithal to know when you’ve hit your limit and when enough is enough. The heart can only ache so f&cking much before the ties need to be severed!! Good luck to you as well❤
Very interesting video. Just lived this ….
"I was told we view life different , the world is changing and people are ignorant (I'm also people), " only because I had a different opinion on the absurd things he would say.
I wouldn't go back there guys,yes it hurts but the NC made me realize how lost I was in that relationship it was all about him and him alone and it's worse if he has the means and you don't.
@CoachRyan
Dear coach, could you record a video on the topic "is avoidant jealous of his ex-partner, and how they reacts when his ex-partner is in a new and happy relationship" it will be a very helpful material for many of us and also very popular. Thank you 🤗🙏
Do avoidants feel jealousy though.?
Thats why i want to know 😊@@vanessaG275
strong ending there it's just too bad we tend to be attracted to this attachment style. there is a woman who is so good and sweet and loving, who wants to help me pick up the pieces and fix that person's mess. she is being patient with me, but i fear i may never feel whatever it was I felt before, with her. because this person is so kind, and loving, and nice. and i only want those women with far-away eyes
Now i understand my ex was married for 10 years but when i asked why relationship ended he said he walked away. After following him up i googled then Emotionally unavailable but now i get the full picture. I feel for him. After 2 yrs of no contact he came just because Christmas and how sorry he felt then when i declined to meet him. He deactivated and went on flight mode upto now. I feel for him but his behavior not acceptable he hasn't worked on himself guess soo
Liking this educational vid without the dramatic voice and music 😄 Related, it’s been months in radio silence and I think I’m moving towards becoming secure/DA from AA 🙄
This is exactly what I went through with my ex. Ryan
This was a super good explanation of why the avoidant "falls out of love." There's only one thing I wished you had touched on (because I'd like to share this with my husband)... Due to continually feeling emotionally unsafe with my husband, my libido completely shut down. It drove us both crazy. He felt rejected, like I didn't desire him, and I felt totally confused by it because I loved him deeply and did desire him. But my body said no but I had no idea why.
I went to doctors, watched videos, read books, etc. but couldn't figure it out. I had blood work done and my hormones were off the charts low. I was like, hallelujah! This will fix it! My brain fog cleared a bit and my chronic fatigue lessened but still no libido. 😭
He eventually dismissed me for another woman. Soon after that, I was researching his attachment style and it hit me how emotionally robbed I was in our marriage. We had never really bonded emotionally. I would try to communicate how I felt and that we to share our hearts more and spend more time together. That would always be met with a 20 minute lecture about my faults. Eventually I stopped trying to share my heart with him because it was too painful. We became roommates.
We've been separated for 4 months now and he is still with his affair partner. Sadly, after I figured out what happened to my libido, I've been in an almost constant state if arousal. Life is so unfair sometimes. I was hoping for reconciliation but I'll probably file for divorce.