Have you found yourself “people pleasing” at the expense of your own growth? What helped you identify this and move forwards? Join the discussion in the comments below.
I was raised by a people pleaser who had healthy boundaries. I didnt make my own ad it took me YEARS heartache and worry. Thanks #tsol , markmanson , les brown and others
I think people pleasing for me came from fear - my dad had anger issues during my childhood so I got really good at people pleasing in order to not piss him off. It took me years to realise that I’m no longer the helpless child completely at the mercy of my dad, and that I’m now an independent adult who doesn’t depend on anyone for food or shelter. I’m slowly understanding that not pleasing others no longer leads to catastrophic consequences like it used to when I was a kid. No one is going to scream at me, or lock me in my room, or even prevent me from seeing my friends. No one has that kind of power over me anymore. I can understand this intellectually; but emotionally and instinctively… that’s a whole other story.
I can really relate to your experience. It's such a relief to realise where these feelings come from and to know that we can let go of those old patterns and react differently without being in terrible danger.
@@caitrinonnua-shealainn7165 your so right, you really have to deep dive and roll back your entire life to understand it all. We are products of our environment. Once you get it then you are able to start to work on changing your negative behaviour and start to look after yourself :)
I had similar issues with my father, a verbally abusive narcissist and my mother was his passive apologist. My sister has also grown into what my mother was, and since I've moved away my nephew (her son) has become his scapegoat (what I used to be). I was able to identify their toxic role games with the help of the therapist channel Patrick teahan on TH-cam... someone commented on this channel how it helped them like 8 months ago and its been a godsend because I can't afford in person therapy. The healing literally takes triple as long as the damage but at least we try.
It took me six decades for the blinkers to fall away. Now that I acknowledge the box of darkness I was given as a child I am finally accepting that gift and enjoying exploring who I am. (Ref Mary Oliver’s poem The Uses of Sorrow).
I put my self through rigorous training at multiple top universities in the UK and Sweden, only to find out I hated doing data science and programming everyday. So I moved up north in Sweden and become a professional welder. Couldn't be happier
How do you find your living now? Are you at ease with yourself? Do you have more time for yourself? Its just that Im thinking of leaving my field and becoming a welder... seems much more peaceful...
@@DarkwoodDub I say take a chance! Go for it. What harm can it do? If you don’t try you never know. We spend so much of our lives working, it makes sense to be spending that time doing something that you would enjoy. I am lucky I found my calling as a nurse and I can honestly say although it’s hard work and can have it’s bad days, it helps to love, it’s not something I have to do to pay the bills, I would do it for free if that was feasible ! Good luck 🤞
Hey I am in my first year of pursuing a computer science degree. I am doing it not because I love it or I have any experience to talk about it. I am very new to it and my intention is to learn as it is very important to know coding in this very day and age.Besides, I didnt have any other passion so I pursued this career what do you think of this?
The voices in my head strongly disagree. But i tell them to shut up !!! . It startles people on public transportation. So my hands have to slap my face in order to help my lips remain quiet... the result is often alot of free fallen icecream from strangers...life is sweet. 🍦
The more you please others the more they want, and once you try to do smtg about it, you see another face of ungrateful, angry hurtful people. You choose to change and grow because it starts being a habit to avoid conflicts. Unfortunately you'll have to take a step for your own growth that they will eventually try also to sabotage because they got used to you as they wanted you to be. A people pleaser!
Precisely, I'm trying to stop people pleasing, especially where my family is concerned. Although I want their approval, I won't compromise on my hopes or dreams any more.
Funny how no one cares when you keep giving but once you start to say no they become hostile and call you all sorts of name, I am being called as rude and selfish a lot but I don't give a damn!
@@DrDanielle86 true, some people know they're abusing, but they'll pretend they aren't or haven't been, also some people know they ARE being abused, but.. will pretend they aren't, and you really CAN'T trust the first to speak up, people have to explain and listen with as much details and composure as they can manage, and we have to try our best to see the truth AND encourage it
Max my goal at 49 was to sort my shit out. I went to a intuitive healer who helped me to tell my story while we dissected it and unravel the mess. I never knew how to love myself I thought it was impossible as I had such a loathing of myself, but with help the light bulb went on and everything changed, I feel so free and at peace now. Good luck :)
Good on you! Have the courage to do so. In my early 40s (mid 40s now) I have cut out several friends I wanted to cut them out since a decade back and started to live the life I always wanted to with honesty to myself
Throughout my teenage years, I always wanted to be like that one guy that everyone liked. Kind hearted and good-looking as well as outgoing, humorous yet humble. But after a few years of faithful people-pleasing, I reached my own ultimate conclusion that such a person only exists in the theaters. The thing is, wanting to please others isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Wanting to please every single person you meet, that’s a bad thing. There are so many different people on this planet with extremely different tastes in people, so there surely cannot be a single person who checks every box for everyone. Instead of pushing ourselves to reach the impossible, we must learn to please, and only please those who are important to our lives, those who love whether we please them or not. They our usually our parents and closest friends. Those are the relationships that will last, and therefore they are where most of our pleasing powers should be spent.
I agree with you that pleasing everyone around you isn't possible, although, pleasing family and friends, when you don't want to is just as bad. I think there's a fine line between "pleasing" and doing your duty as a child, parent, friend, lover, etc. I do many, many things for my family. I don't do the laundry to please them, I do it so they have clean clothes. I don't make dinner to please them, I make dinner so they don't eat a bowl of carbohydrates for dinner. I'm pleasing them when my kids want to go to the pool and I'm in the middle of a project that I started. Dropping what I am doing to do what they want to do is a part of pleasing them. They're children, so I comply 99% of the time, but I don't comply as often to my husband with whom is an adult and can take care of himself. There's a difference. If you aren't aware of the difference, then the people pleasing turns into being taken advantage of.
I'd say rather than trying to please others, we are mostly afraid of judgement from others. It takes a huge amount of courage to be true to oneself, but it's a much more meaningful goal than simply trying not to please others - one that can only be achieved by embracing judgement from our peers.
I really needed to hear this today. I have been trying so hard to please everyone in my life, especially my family. However, I've learned that the most important person to please is myself, since your opinion is the only one that actually matters.
We're glad you enjoyed our film Trina, and this is a healthy attitude to take. The confidence to honour one's true self often involves learning to be a little more selfish.
SOME good people can be easily pleased with small honest gestures, for example, if they give you a gift, it's possible all they want back is to see your smile, it's ALSO possible they'd like to recieve a gift too (a gift for a gift) which IS FAIR, but.. they can't demand it
:3 Why is the sheep considered "cowardly", that kicks the farmer in denial that humans are plant-based in shown scientific studies, obvious biology, statistics, and then the lamb wants to face animal abuse of rape, impregnation against will, caged, beaten, etc.? 💀literally. #GoVegan 💚🌱🔥😻 For health. For the planet. For ending world hunger. For the animals. For financial savings. For tastes. For sustainability.
@@theschooloflifetv A lot of the people-pleaser's problems come from being told - by selfish people who expect us to put THEM first - that WE are the selfish ones. Putting myself at the centre of my own life is the only way to maintain not only my happiness, but my sanity. Sometimes I wander off the path, second-guessing myself and causing myself pain. But I know now to refocus on me. You can put yourself first without being dismissive of other people. That is the trick, I think, and not beating yourself up if you make the occasional slip.
@@theschooloflifetv But what if you find yourself going too far in the other direction, sort of in a reactionary way, to the point where you don't want to give of yourself at all, or you start being totally avoidant of those people you were previously trying to please? Just watched your vid on "Benefits of Being Ill" and it had me thinking of this.
This is absolutely true ime 64 and suffered depression for years 😢 only now I have discovered everything you have talked about. I feel like like a weight as been lifted off my shoulders 😊
My biggest problem is that I was gaslighted to believe that if I didn't people please I was a bad person and selfish, and that is not true for me anymore.
When we make ourselves the priority instead of thinking about what other people expect us to be, only then we can move ahead in life. Love from a fellow creator
I like that quote, ‘be loyal to yourself’. Do more of what matters to yourself, but don’t deny feelings of empathy for others. ‘People pleasing’ does not equal empathy. 🌝
I’m glad I don’t have to wait until I’m 50 to already believe and understand everything said in this video. Remaining authentically myself and not letting anyone get in my way is extremely freeing and makes life so much easier. Makes me look forward to the rest of my life
Love it. Calling us all out and not pulling any punches! Brutally honest to the point that I find it both motivating and humerus. People pleasing is definitely something I've caught myself doing, and am still actively working on. Looking forward to continuing to grow more into myself and discovering and honouring what truly makes me happy.
So many people have learned how to please others, but so little people know how to love themselves. It brings comfort knowing we all struggle with something that seems so easy yet in practise is incredibly hard. As long as our intention stays pure we can be kind to others and ourselves using healthy boundaries, To be authentic feels scary but it is just a fact that not everybody will like you. Such a nice video TSOL!
I am 52 and I have only just figured out who I am, why I was a people pleaser and that it’s time to stop. I’ve learnt to stop my guilty thoughts if I do not help people. I’ve finally grown that back bone and it’s a great feeling. My people pleasing lead to total exhaustion and the realisation that I had never invested anytime on myself. At 49 I finally learnt how to love myself and that was the beginning of the end to being a people pleaser. When I was able to look in the mirror and say, I am a good person and I like who I I am, I no longer needed the reassurance of other people opinions. The feeling of freedom and peace has been wonderful. Sure I am an empathetic person who wants to save everyone so I still help people when I can, but I no longer need anyones approval . I know my own truth :)
It takes too much time and energy to care about what people think. I come to realize is that if people have a problem with me, that's their problem and not mine.
But it's not as easy as turning off a switch and you suddenly don't care what others think. I understand it doesn't really matter what others think (to a point of course) but "the body keeps the score" and past traumas will haunt us against our will cause physiological changes that are beyond our control. We may shift our perspectives but our body will still experience anxiety.
@@jzen1455 I have to disagree. It is possible. I’ve managed to get to that place, well 90 percent of the time anyway, where before I did the hard work on myself I worried all the time what people thought of me,. Sure you still have a part of you that has an ego, but it is possible to feel free and to not give a shit. :) life’s too short to worry about what others think, so long as you know in your own heart that you are a good person that’s all that matters :)
I needed this video years ago. I actually figured it out and I haven’t talked to my parents since. I always reached out and try to please them. My dad figured it out and tries sometimes to reach out but not my mother. My mothers birthday was yesterday. And I haven’t heard from her. She would ghost me for months and told to man up when I complained what kind of healthy family relationship I wanted. Btw, I’m adopted their not my real parents but I wanted a healthy relationship with them. I partially cut ties with them and tried to stop being a good son but a good man I want to be. I’ve never felt more confident in my life.
There is sooooo much wisdom in this video!! I have been learning all of this the hard way for the past few years. If you had shown me this video 10 years ago I would have rolled my eyes and not believed any of it. But it's all so true. Thank you for expressing what I've learned on my own. I don't think you can just tell people any of this and expect it to make sense until they've seen it for themselves.
Learn to give yourself what you crave from others on an emotional level. You're relationship with yourself is the only one that's guaranteed to last a lifetime, so make it a good one, validate yourself!
1:38 wanting to hang out exclusively with people who have had nervous breakdowns, spent time in prison, etc. I’ve recently stopped being a People Pleaser and School of Life has helped me so much to get to this point. I was thinking the other day what my circle of friends would be like in the future and I figured I only wanted people who have “gone through it” and are better for it on the other side like me. And I was thinking ex-cons, people who have lost massive amounts of weight naturally, etc. It’s like y’all were reading my mind. Thanks School of Life. I didn’t need the validation but it’s cool to know someone is thinking like I’m thinking.
I had to tell two people in my building no more rides. Each of them sold their cars! I have car expenses. No more rides from me. It can seem unexpected by others when you finally speak up for yourself.
Well, I've had cancer recently and I don't care about a lot of things anymore. I just resigned from a new job after 2 weeks - it wasn't worth the stress. Love your work School of Life, and thank you 💖xx
Appreciate the content as always. Good job! You know , I think people pleasing comes from lack of love towards yourself. Because the day we begin to love and accept ourselves will be the day when we realize that we are content with howsoever we are, we are content with our profession, how we look,our passion, our lack of enthusiasm towards certain things which everyone in our group loves to do and our limitation that we can't make everyone HAPPY. I don't agree with 2 things in the video: First, there is a sentence "People we HATE" ,I think it's a very strong term . While I agree that some people do deeds which are unforgivable but, in general we can just stop caring about people rather than using a dialogue:" I hate that person!" Second, umm... instead of seeing social media as a site that disrupts the harmony, we can see it in positive light too. LIke, we can connect with like minded, genuine people, make real friends with whom we are not afraid to share sorrow and happiness. Begin to love yourself, make your thoughts your friend, be kind to yourself , treat yourself like you are a child as The School Of Life always teach us.
I thought that was very, "no holds barred". No mincing of words in this video...and this topic is what I've been doing pretty intensely now for the last four years, and it's very worthwhile, and very challenging....It can be very lonely at times, but I definitely am more conscious and I would not trade that for another superficial anything.....
That is why I must do better at ignoring people. No one's approval matters as I just get a bad addiction from obsessing the permission of people. I cannot change people, just inspire them to change themselves. True men do not care what other people think after all.
I am grateful The School of Life Content. They really helped when I am in difficult time even though I can not repay back much. But I am thankful with kindness and understanding someone feeling. I am in your debt.
the title has very little to do with the topic, it'd be better if it was something like: "how to be authentic" being a "people pleaser" usually involves lying to make yourself look better, which ACTUALLY has the OPPOSITE effect, because OF COURSE people don't like being lied to, or draining yourself TOO MUCH for constantly helping people and/or tolerating abuse, btw that "or" in "and/or" is an ACTUAL "or" just as that "and" is also an "and" don't be too hasty to judge if you got time to think, which is almost always
Over the years, I've learned that I people please in an attempt to control others. If only I knew exactly what to say every time to make them feel special, seen, heard, and happy. Then I'd be successful. Then I'd have friends. Then I'd be happy. And sometimes it'd work. Sometimes they'd laugh. Sometimes they'd fall in love with me. But then I'd run out of things to say. And they'll realize, there's nothing real under the words I say. The person they got to know, and love, was not real. How can you simply be open, true, and honest, everywhere you go? I don't know, but I will figure it out. And you will too. To everyone who read this, I wish you all the best on your journey
As always, amazing. You all should be running the world, and if that could happen, it would be a Damn good world. Seriously. I value authenticity above all else in the human experience. There are lots of other "good things," of course, but not one of them is truly "good" if it is not authentic. Thank you all so much for the very important work you are doing. I quite literally stopped everything when I saw that you all had posted something new. Luckily, my husband who also enjoys your posts was available to listen with me. : )
I have to give a shout out to whoever thought to create that last picture in the line-up for "people who don't give a damn what the world thinks". You made my day!
For quite some time I tricked myself into believing that I actually do the things I do because I'm kind and emphatic. But only recently I realized that it was all a facade. I was being nice and acting all like that cause I wanted to be liked in return. The reality click was when I helped this one guy and was expecting a thank you but instead got nothing, and I felt so annoyed and angry. I would rather be a harcore selfish person than a people pleaser. Being nice genuinely is not expecting anything I'm return. For me it's too subtle to notice...sometimes I even trick myself. But it's those subtle things like altering my behavior that bit and stuff. People say that people pleasers do all this cause they don't realize their worth but it isn't the case with me. Ah I don't even know anymore. Like it's like I know my worth and cherish it and all but still I do the people pleasing. I can't help but think " why can't they see how unique I am " . Weird stuff. I prefer to be alone and boy do I love being by myself and talking to myself yet in social situations I can't help but do stupid pleasing stuff..ahh
There is nothing wrong with helping someone and there is nothing wrong with expecting to be thanked. If he didn't thank you, he was being a jerk. I think it's a matter of degree, how much you're putting yourself out and how close you are to the person you're helping. Sometimes you can just mentally shrug and don't go out of your way to help that person again. I think it's important to decide who you are and stick with that - easier said than done but so, so important to achieve. If someone doesn't like you, don't change who you are to get them to like you. Find someone one who will or be alone, as you say - I like my own company, too. :)
@@janb5177 ohmygod I can't believe someone actually read that. Ahh I really appreciate that. I'm still in the process of healing and I'm proud to have come this far. Anyways ahhh like I don't know why but I just find it so sweet that someone actually wrote a reply. This has definitely made my day :]
I'm amazed with this video .. it has a strong point, and many of us should give it at least a try... side note: I love how British English sounds... it's so hypnotic...
Yeah....I just go with the flow even tho it's boring or stressing to keep up with the vibe or act of the othe person ....never communicate i m feel energy sucked
As the circle of useless dross and people and things to discard grew, I realised that I was back to my original self, born a cranky old man, not wanting any part of anything on offer, already tired of life. Zero is most appealing of all.
I can see the importance but at the same time as fulfilling what la best for you, we in the modern world have also forgot how much we depend on others.
totally agree with that. but the point is to find WHY do we that? There is a need , a motivation , to that and we need to find that motivation , and maybe replace it by something else
![PURPEECH - นี่ฉันเองคนที่... (It's me) [Official MV]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/NuhHd0hOOg8/mqdefault.jpg)
Have you found yourself “people pleasing” at the expense of your own growth? What helped you identify this and move forwards? Join the discussion in the comments below.
#Tsol helped me identify and it helped me to cope!
Yes, I have learned that I people please a lot, but I'm trying to get out of the habit.
@@nizasiamehenry We're very pleased to hear that Niza! We hope you continue to find our films useful.
I was raised by a people pleaser who had healthy boundaries. I didnt make my own ad it took me YEARS heartache and worry. Thanks #tsol , markmanson , les brown and others
I retire people pleasing at age 30!
I think people pleasing for me came from fear - my dad had anger issues during my childhood so I got really good at people pleasing in order to not piss him off. It took me years to realise that I’m no longer the helpless child completely at the mercy of my dad, and that I’m now an independent adult who doesn’t depend on anyone for food or shelter. I’m slowly understanding that not pleasing others no longer leads to catastrophic consequences like it used to when I was a kid. No one is going to scream at me, or lock me in my room, or even prevent me from seeing my friends. No one has that kind of power over me anymore. I can understand this intellectually; but emotionally and instinctively… that’s a whole other story.
I can really relate to your experience. It's such a relief to realise where these feelings come from and to know that we can let go of those old patterns and react differently without being in terrible danger.
Me too and my mum was unstable, she would fly off the handle at the smallest things. I learnt very early to “be good”
@@caitrinonnua-shealainn7165 your so right, you really have to deep dive and roll back your entire life to understand it all. We are products of our environment. Once you get it then you are able to start to work on changing your negative behaviour and start to look after yourself :)
I had similar issues with my father, a verbally abusive narcissist and my mother was his passive apologist. My sister has also grown into what my mother was, and since I've moved away my nephew (her son) has become his scapegoat (what I used to be). I was able to identify their toxic role games with the help of the therapist channel Patrick teahan on TH-cam... someone commented on this channel how it helped them like 8 months ago and its been a godsend because I can't afford in person therapy. The healing literally takes triple as long as the damage but at least we try.
It took me six decades for the blinkers to fall away. Now that I acknowledge the box of darkness I was given as a child I am finally accepting that gift and enjoying exploring who I am. (Ref Mary Oliver’s poem The Uses of Sorrow).
I put my self through rigorous training at multiple top universities in the UK and Sweden, only to find out I hated doing data science and programming everyday. So I moved up north in Sweden and become a professional welder. Couldn't be happier
Fantastic!
How do you find your living now? Are you at ease with yourself? Do you have more time for yourself? Its just that Im thinking of leaving my field and becoming a welder... seems much more peaceful...
@@DarkwoodDub I say take a chance! Go for it. What harm can it do? If you don’t try you never know. We spend so much of our lives working, it makes sense to be spending that time doing something that you would enjoy. I am lucky I found my calling as a nurse and I can honestly say although it’s hard work and can have it’s bad days, it helps to love, it’s not something I have to do to pay the bills, I would do it for free if that was feasible ! Good luck 🤞
You are my actual hero. Good on you. Great story.
Hey I am in my first year of pursuing a computer science degree. I am doing it not because I love it or I have any experience to talk about it. I am very new to it and my intention is to learn as it is very important to know coding in this very day and age.Besides, I didnt have any other passion so I pursued this career what do you think of this?
"care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner"
~Lao Tzu
Precisely, I came across this quote the other day, and it's quite profound.
We quite agree! You can find our film about Lao Tzu here: th-cam.com/video/dFb7Hxva5rg/w-d-xo.html
there is something to it..unfortunately 🤔
The voices in my head strongly disagree. But i tell them to shut up !!! . It startles people on public transportation. So my hands have to slap my face in order to help my lips remain quiet... the result is often alot of free fallen icecream from strangers...life is sweet. 🍦
@@thorragnarok2861 😂😂😂😂
A short perspective to this is to say no to things you don't want to do and being able to accept the concequences without a flinche of anxiety.
This is solid 🔥
damn right!
thats right.. only do things you rly want and like.. to be happy about yourself
The more you please others the more they want, and once you try to do smtg about it, you see another face of ungrateful, angry hurtful people. You choose to change and grow because it starts being a habit to avoid conflicts. Unfortunately you'll have to take a step for your own growth that they will eventually try also to sabotage because they got used to you as they wanted you to be. A people pleaser!
Precisely, I'm trying to stop people pleasing, especially where my family is concerned. Although I want their approval, I won't compromise on my hopes or dreams any more.
@@trinaq I agree. That was me! Don't do it people. Some people know what they are doing too! Peace and love!
Funny how no one cares when you keep giving but once you start to say no they become hostile and call you all sorts of name, I am being called as rude and selfish a lot but I don't give a damn!
very true 🙌
@@DrDanielle86 true, some people know they're abusing, but they'll pretend they aren't or haven't been,
also
some people know they ARE being abused, but.. will pretend they aren't,
and you really CAN'T trust the first to speak up, people have to explain and listen with as much details and composure as they can manage,
and we have to try our best to see the truth AND encourage it
I turn 50 in a month and this video is extremely timely. Time to pull away from the toxic people for good and be free ❤️
Same. I've done some ruthless cutting, but all of it well deserved.
Max my goal at 49 was to sort my shit out. I went to a intuitive healer who helped me to tell my story while we dissected it and unravel the mess. I never knew how to love myself I thought it was impossible as I had such a loathing of myself, but with help the light bulb went on and everything changed, I feel so free and at peace now. Good luck :)
@@KiwikimNZ I need to find a healer myself but Im afraid of getting ripped off. How did you find yours?
Good on you! Have the courage to do so. In my early 40s (mid 40s now) I have cut out several friends I wanted to cut them out since a decade back and started to live the life I always wanted to with honesty to myself
Who tf cares anymore? I am not okay and I really need to relax.
Throughout my teenage years, I always wanted to be like that one guy that everyone liked. Kind hearted and good-looking as well as outgoing, humorous yet humble. But after a few years of faithful people-pleasing, I reached my own ultimate conclusion that such a person only exists in the theaters.
The thing is, wanting to please others isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Wanting to please every single person you meet, that’s a bad thing. There are so many different people on this planet with extremely different tastes in people, so there surely cannot be a single person who checks every box for everyone. Instead of pushing ourselves to reach the impossible, we must learn to please, and only please those who are important to our lives, those who love whether we please them or not.
They our usually our parents and closest friends. Those are the relationships that will last, and therefore they are where most of our pleasing powers should be spent.
I agree with you that pleasing everyone around you isn't possible, although, pleasing family and friends, when you don't want to is just as bad. I think there's a fine line between "pleasing" and doing your duty as a child, parent, friend, lover, etc. I do many, many things for my family. I don't do the laundry to please them, I do it so they have clean clothes. I don't make dinner to please them, I make dinner so they don't eat a bowl of carbohydrates for dinner. I'm pleasing them when my kids want to go to the pool and I'm in the middle of a project that I started. Dropping what I am doing to do what they want to do is a part of pleasing them. They're children, so I comply 99% of the time, but I don't comply as often to my husband with whom is an adult and can take care of himself. There's a difference. If you aren't aware of the difference, then the people pleasing turns into being taken advantage of.
I was just like you. but then I stood for nothing, made to hate myself for being a ghost.
well stated.
I remember a line from *A Softer World:*
_It's time_
_to make yourself proud_
_and everyone else_
_a little nervous_
I'd say rather than trying to please others, we are mostly afraid of judgement from others. It takes a huge amount of courage to be true to oneself, but it's a much more meaningful goal than simply trying not to please others - one that can only be achieved by embracing judgement from our peers.
It's called maturity.
I really needed to hear this today. I have been trying so hard to please everyone in my life, especially my family. However, I've learned that the most important person to please is myself, since your opinion is the only one that actually matters.
We're glad you enjoyed our film Trina, and this is a healthy attitude to take. The confidence to honour one's true self often involves learning to be a little more selfish.
SOME good people can be easily pleased with small honest gestures,
for example, if they give you a gift, it's possible all they want back is to see your smile,
it's ALSO possible they'd like to recieve a gift too (a gift for a gift) which IS FAIR, but.. they can't demand it
:3 Why is the sheep considered "cowardly", that kicks the farmer in denial that humans are plant-based in shown scientific studies, obvious biology, statistics, and then the lamb wants to face animal abuse of rape, impregnation against will, caged, beaten, etc.? 💀literally. #GoVegan 💚🌱🔥😻 For health. For the planet. For ending world hunger. For the animals. For financial savings. For tastes. For sustainability.
@@theschooloflifetv A lot of the people-pleaser's problems come from being told - by selfish people who expect us to put THEM first - that WE are the selfish ones.
Putting myself at the centre of my own life is the only way to maintain not only my happiness, but my sanity.
Sometimes I wander off the path, second-guessing myself and causing myself pain. But I know now to refocus on me.
You can put yourself first without being dismissive of other people. That is the trick, I think, and not beating yourself up if you make the occasional slip.
@@theschooloflifetv But what if you find yourself going too far in the other direction, sort of in a reactionary way, to the point where you don't want to give of yourself at all, or you start being totally avoidant of those people you were previously trying to please? Just watched your vid on "Benefits of Being Ill" and it had me thinking of this.
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”
― Carl Jung
This is absolutely true ime 64 and suffered depression for years 😢 only now I have discovered everything you have talked about. I feel like like a weight as been lifted off my shoulders 😊
Stay happy! You may also like this:
m.th-cam.com/video/XAHazKV182U/w-d-xo.html
That’s awesome I’m so happy for you :)
My biggest problem is that I was gaslighted to believe that if I didn't people please I was a bad person and selfish, and that is not true for me anymore.
When we make ourselves the priority instead of thinking about what other people expect us to be, only then we can move ahead in life.
Love from a fellow creator
Thank you Sonia. The hardest thing for habitual people pleasers is learning to prioritise their own needs.
@@theschooloflifetv exactly
Amen 🙏
I like that quote, ‘be loyal to yourself’.
Do more of what matters to yourself, but don’t deny feelings of empathy for others.
‘People pleasing’ does not equal empathy. 🌝
I’m glad I don’t have to wait until I’m 50 to already believe and understand everything said in this video. Remaining authentically myself and not letting anyone get in my way is extremely freeing and makes life so much easier. Makes me look forward to the rest of my life
Nice work good to see you on the right path ❤
great thought, good luck to everyone who can relate.
When you are people pleasing for so long it is a challenge to be authentic that you always to somehow adjust yourself so people dont dislike you.
Love it. Calling us all out and not pulling any punches! Brutally honest to the point that I find it both motivating and humerus.
People pleasing is definitely something I've caught myself doing, and am still actively working on. Looking forward to continuing to grow more into myself and discovering and honouring what truly makes me happy.
PLEASE make more People Pleasing videos. I need the message driven into my head in every possible way! Dx
So many people have learned how to please others, but so little people know how to love themselves. It brings comfort knowing we all struggle with something that seems so easy yet in practise is incredibly hard. As long as our intention stays pure we can be kind to others and ourselves using healthy boundaries, To be authentic feels scary but it is just a fact that not everybody will like you. Such a nice video TSOL!
A wise man once said that it's "better to say a true NO than having to reap a sour YES".
I am 52 and I have only just figured out who I am, why I was a people pleaser and that it’s time to stop. I’ve learnt to stop my guilty thoughts if I do not help people. I’ve finally grown that back bone and it’s a great feeling. My people pleasing lead to total exhaustion and the realisation that I had never invested anytime on myself. At 49 I finally learnt how to love myself and that was the beginning of the end to being a people pleaser. When I was able to look in the mirror and say, I am a good person and I like who I I am, I no longer needed the reassurance of other people opinions. The feeling of freedom and peace has been wonderful. Sure I am an empathetic person who wants to save everyone so I still help people when I can, but I no longer need anyones approval . I know my own truth :)
It takes too much time and energy to care about what people think. I come to realize is that if people have a problem with me, that's their problem and not mine.
Good philosophy! That's very true!
But it's not as easy as turning off a switch and you suddenly don't care what others think. I understand it doesn't really matter what others think (to a point of course) but "the body keeps the score" and past traumas will haunt us against our will cause physiological changes that are beyond our control. We may shift our perspectives but our body will still experience anxiety.
It’s a great feeling isn’t it. So peaceful and freeing!
@@jzen1455 I have to disagree. It is possible. I’ve managed to get to that place, well 90 percent of the time anyway, where before I did the hard work on myself I worried all the time what people thought of me,. Sure you still have a part of you that has an ego, but it is possible to feel free and to not give a shit. :) life’s too short to worry about what others think, so long as you know in your own heart that you are a good person that’s all that matters :)
I needed this video years ago. I actually figured it out and I haven’t talked to my parents since. I always reached out and try to please them. My dad figured it out and tries sometimes to reach out but not my mother. My mothers birthday was yesterday. And I haven’t heard from her. She would ghost me for months and told to man up when I complained what kind of healthy family relationship I wanted. Btw, I’m adopted their not my real parents but I wanted a healthy relationship with them. I partially cut ties with them and tried to stop being a good son but a good man I want to be. I’ve never felt more confident in my life.
There is sooooo much wisdom in this video!! I have been learning all of this the hard way for the past few years. If you had shown me this video 10 years ago I would have rolled my eyes and not believed any of it. But it's all so true. Thank you for expressing what I've learned on my own. I don't think you can just tell people any of this and expect it to make sense until they've seen it for themselves.
100% agree and me too
Even more direct, honest, and encouraging than I was expecting; and I love this channel for those qualities already.
Learn to give yourself what you crave from others on an emotional level. You're relationship with yourself is the only one that's guaranteed to last a lifetime, so make it a good one, validate yourself!
1:38 wanting to hang out exclusively with people who have had nervous breakdowns, spent time in prison, etc. I’ve recently stopped being a People Pleaser and School of Life has helped me so much to get to this point. I was thinking the other day what my circle of friends would be like in the future and I figured I only wanted people who have “gone through it” and are better for it on the other side like me. And I was thinking ex-cons, people who have lost massive amounts of weight naturally, etc. It’s like y’all were reading my mind. Thanks School of Life. I didn’t need the validation but it’s cool to know someone is thinking like I’m thinking.
I advise against this. I'm drawn to dark folks, but it hasn't gone well. Damaged people cause damage.
Everything about this video was absolutely beautiful.
Ironically "people pleasing" doesn't really result in people liking us better! Ever notice that people who often say 'no' tend to get more respect?
I had to tell two people in my building no more rides. Each of them sold their cars! I have car expenses. No more rides from me. It can seem unexpected by others when you finally speak up for yourself.
Well, I've had cancer recently and I don't care about a lot of things anymore. I just resigned from a new job after 2 weeks - it wasn't worth the stress. Love your work School of Life, and thank you 💖xx
I hope you are okay now 😃
@@666MaRius9991 yes, clear from cancer. Thank you for your concern 💖 from Australia xx
Amazing ! the moment when you realize you don't have to thank your family eternally for providing basic needs!
Lovely. One of the true joys of aging. In this youth cult of a "society" this is so absolutely true.
Agreed ❤
Loved the video as usual, but also Eddie (from Stranger Things' last season)'s cameo!
and was that the rainbow room at the starts? glad someone else noticed :D
Appreciate the content as always. Good job! You know , I think people pleasing comes from lack of love towards yourself. Because the day we begin to love and accept ourselves will be the day when we realize that we are content with howsoever we are, we are content with our profession, how we look,our passion, our lack of enthusiasm towards certain things which everyone in our group loves to do and our limitation that we can't make everyone HAPPY.
I don't agree with 2 things in the video: First, there is a sentence "People we HATE" ,I think it's a very strong term . While I agree that some people do deeds which are unforgivable but, in general we can just stop caring about people rather than using a dialogue:" I hate that person!"
Second, umm... instead of seeing social media as a site that disrupts the harmony, we can see it in positive light too. LIke, we can connect with like minded, genuine people, make real friends with whom we are not afraid to share sorrow and happiness.
Begin to love yourself, make your thoughts your friend, be kind to yourself , treat yourself like you are a child as The School Of Life always teach us.
Thank you for this comment✨💯 I agree with the 1st paragraph and also strongly agree with the point abt using the word “hate”.
@@urvi1865 :)
I wanted this video so badly. Thank you!
If you can't take some random person giving you the finger, you're still a people pleaser. ;)
In other words..
This is what humanity needs to work on and all of our issues will be resolved, personally and collectively.
I thought that was very, "no holds barred". No mincing of words in this video...and this topic is what I've been doing pretty intensely now for the last four years, and it's very worthwhile, and very challenging....It can be very lonely at times, but I definitely am more conscious and I would not trade that for another superficial anything.....
I wish The School of Life Community always have better days and Sucessful in life.
That is why I must do better at ignoring people. No one's approval matters as I just get a bad addiction from obsessing the permission of people. I cannot change people, just inspire them to change themselves. True men do not care what other people think after all.
A big part of my journey has been discovering that I definitely abhor what news and social media does to my mind.
Very wise...seems about right!
I am grateful The School of Life Content. They really helped when I am in difficult time even though I can not repay back much. But I am thankful with kindness and understanding someone feeling. I am in your debt.
One of your best videos ever, thank you!
the title has very little to do with the topic,
it'd be better if it was something like:
"how to be authentic"
being a "people pleaser" usually involves lying to make yourself look better, which ACTUALLY has the OPPOSITE effect,
because OF COURSE people don't like being lied to,
or
draining yourself TOO MUCH for constantly helping people and/or tolerating abuse,
btw that "or" in "and/or" is an ACTUAL "or"
just as that "and" is also an "and"
don't be too hasty to judge if you got time to think, which is almost always
Well said. I hate it when family and society force me to care for others' needs and neglect mine. Because of this, I often feel exhausted.
Right on time
Over the years, I've learned that I people please in an attempt to control others.
If only I knew exactly what to say every time to make them feel special, seen, heard, and happy.
Then I'd be successful. Then I'd have friends. Then I'd be happy.
And sometimes it'd work. Sometimes they'd laugh. Sometimes they'd fall in love with me.
But then I'd run out of things to say. And they'll realize, there's nothing real under the words I say.
The person they got to know, and love, was not real.
How can you simply be open, true, and honest, everywhere you go?
I don't know, but I will figure it out. And you will too.
To everyone who read this, I wish you all the best on your journey
The simple sentence I keep on saying to myself: "This here and now isn't about me" - which applies for 99% of the time and situations.
1:35 Not Eddie wearing The Hellfire Club T-shirt🥺❤ YAAAY!
As always, amazing. You all should be running the world, and if that could happen, it would be a Damn good world. Seriously. I value authenticity above all else in the human experience. There are lots of other "good things," of course, but not one of them is truly "good" if it is not authentic. Thank you all so much for the very important work you are doing. I quite literally stopped everything when I saw that you all had posted something new. Luckily, my husband who also enjoys your posts was available to listen with me. : )
Mic DROPPED👊👏👏
One of your best videos in a while 🙏
Man, this video is so amazing, and so spot on! Thank you so much!
Pas «empêcher de plaire», mais « arrêter de vouloir plaire»!
My favorite channel on TH-cam❤
i like the stranger things refference
I was waiting for someone to comment this!!
two of them ;)
Just what I needed to hear today , thank you !
I have to give a shout out to whoever thought to create that last picture in the line-up for "people who don't give a damn what the world thinks". You made my day!
Thank you!
I'm happy to see your video appear in my suggestions. Beautiful animation 😍
Love yalls work normally. This one sermed so wrapped in metaphor by the end it was off topic.
For quite some time I tricked myself into believing that I actually do the things I do because I'm kind and emphatic. But only recently I realized that it was all a facade. I was being nice and acting all like that cause I wanted to be liked in return. The reality click was when I helped this one guy and was expecting a thank you but instead got nothing, and I felt so annoyed and angry. I would rather be a harcore selfish person than a people pleaser. Being nice genuinely is not expecting anything I'm return. For me it's too subtle to notice...sometimes I even trick myself. But it's those subtle things like altering my behavior that bit and stuff. People say that people pleasers do all this cause they don't realize their worth but it isn't the case with me. Ah I don't even know anymore. Like it's like I know my worth and cherish it and all but still I do the people pleasing. I can't help but think " why can't they see how unique I am " . Weird stuff. I prefer to be alone and boy do I love being by myself and talking to myself yet in social situations I can't help but do stupid pleasing stuff..ahh
There is nothing wrong with helping someone and there is nothing wrong with expecting to be thanked. If he didn't thank you, he was being a jerk.
I think it's a matter of degree, how much you're putting yourself out and how close you are to the person you're helping. Sometimes you can just mentally shrug and don't go out of your way to help that person again.
I think it's important to decide who you are and stick with that - easier said than done but so, so important to achieve. If someone doesn't like you, don't change who you are to get them to like you. Find someone one who will or be alone, as you say - I like my own company, too. :)
@@janb5177 ohmygod I can't believe someone actually read that. Ahh I really appreciate that. I'm still in the process of healing and I'm proud to have come this far. Anyways ahhh like I don't know why but I just find it so sweet that someone actually wrote a reply. This has definitely made my day :]
I love getting politely insulted by a British lady at 7am
How is the timing so impeccable with this videos? Its a little eerie, but i love it.
That pretty well nails it. Good voice-over too.
I'm amazed with this video .. it has a strong point, and many of us should give it at least a try...
side note: I love how British English sounds... it's so hypnotic...
Yeah....I just go with the flow even tho it's boring or stressing to keep up with the vibe or act of the othe person ....never communicate i m feel energy sucked
yes
Bring back the longer videos!
This was great and it didn't shy away from given the cold hard truth. I'm a work in progress, but I'm taking everything I'm learning onboard.
As the circle of useless dross and people and things to discard grew, I realised that I was back to my original self, born a cranky old man, not wanting any part of anything on offer, already tired of life. Zero is most appealing of all.
thank you for making this video good person
Know yourself. Be yourself.
Make yourself happy not others. They’re never happy but you can be
I like the strager things reference :) 1:42 Eddie Munson > what a legend
Shout out to the animator for their satirical social media app at 1:48. This is how I've come to see social media too
As Alice Declared So Authentically, Yet Repetitively In Wonderland...
...This Is MY DREAM.
a 6 month cruise sounds awesome ....
Awesome video!!
1:35 Eddie!!
"Despite everything, it's still you."
Good one, thank you !
Beautiful. Thank you 🙏
The question I am asking myself right now is "did I really want the life I'm living now ?"
Haven't heard Alain de Botton speaking in these videos for a while now. Is everything alright?
Thank you!
Feeling this at the end of 2nd decade
What a nice kitten picture!
Love this video
People pleasing cost me 10 years of a career in information technology just to tell my aunt that I have a job (that I despise).
This will require shutting down Company USA for a total renovation.
It’s easy but you’ll have people in your life telling you to do the opposite every time you talk to them. 🤣
I can see the importance but at the same time as fulfilling what la best for you, we in the modern world have also forgot how much we depend on others.
Thank you The School of Life for this wonderfull video!
Thank you #Tsol😊😅🥂🥂🥂
Thank you
One of the best
totally agree with that.
but the point is to find WHY do we that?
There is a need , a motivation , to that
and we need to find that motivation , and maybe replace it by something else
God bless this channel