Don't ask narcissists "why?"... DO THIS INSTEAD
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Omg narcissists are SO combative- everything is a debate and a guaranteed OVEREACTION. They are exhausting.
You got that right!! Nothing is a normal simple conversation. Like walking through a mine field.
Exactly, I’m thinking the same things.
🎯
You said it best. I told a guy that he's so defensive in whatever we're talking about. It's draining and exhausting to talk with them
Thank you. For a few years now i only say how i feel or what is does to me. Its less exhausting. 🙏
After 5 months of no contact, I was ambushed at the store. Said he needed to talk to me, my response: "There is nothing to discuss, you cheated on me, chose someone you considered better and blamed it all on me. I don't care what your reasons were and I don't care what is happening in your life right now." Turned around and walked away, first time in 4 years I saw him speechless. Seeing him after such a long time, it was shocking how pathetic this man is. How did I ever see him as the person I wanted to spend my life with?? Thank you for your videos❤🌹
Amen….
After 5 years I came face to face with my narc ex-husband AND his new girl. So I put on a huge smile, introduced myself, chatted her up and totally ignored him. He was pacing around in circles, terrified I'd tell her what an abusive rat he is. I actually enjoyed it!!
They say healed you isn’t attracted to what unhealed you fought so hard to keep.
It’s so funny too how they come back and Hoover as if they own you, are entitled to you forever, and all they need to do is let you know they want you back! 😂
Great response Louise! Sometimes laying out a fact instead of questioning with anyone who causes us pain, not just a narc, is so effective at communicating what you think and what you believe and it turns us from a victim to a victor! Well done!
I have to conclude there's really no such thing as a "relationship" with a narcissist. It takes two to tango and the other person won't dance.
Bingo!!
No they dance to their own tune.
Great T shirt Saying. It takes two to tango and my narcissist won't or can't.
Very Very true
Bingo
I learned early on that going after a narcissist to get them to explain their behavior just keeps you in the game. Once you know, you go. You don’t go running after them crying or angry about what they did, because it’s a one-up thing. Eventually you just learn to love yourself, figure out that this isn’t normal, and go.
I agree. It’s so so hard when leaving has extreme consequences. My MIL is my abuser and if I leave then she will have 50X the access to my son. I’m struggling so hard. I will not give up time with my child to get away from her, not at his expense.
This is the way. Excellent comment
Their behaviour has zero to do with us. We must get away. Nobody would sit knowingly in a pit of vipers, proud of themselves for the high tolerance that developed to the venom by being repeatedly bitten.
very hard when its your son. But it has tobe done I know.
Yup thru these videos, I realized something is messed up with narcissists. And I cant fix them.
They are angry people by default in my observation.
Too tired to adjust myself to please with these angry people.
I hate how exhausting they are. Like having to deal with a ‘forever toddler’ who always needs a nap, a diaper change and a juice box after a tantrum. I hate it here
You’re not alone in this.
There’s a bunch of us out here going through the same or very similar ❤
😂
I’m so exhausted and sick of this
👏
O hell ya forever toddler etc. well said.
You have to be accountable for your actions to answer a why question. Narcissists hate accountability.
Yet they're so responsible with their almighty dollar 😒
THIS!!!!!!! Could not agree more! They detest...no, let me rephrase that, they loathe being responsible for their own actions. They are never to blame for anything that happens to them. But the thing is, the amount of additional processing you gotta put to just say the same message you'de say to any other person is incredible and very stressful. I really miss my ex and not a day goes by that I don't wanna be with her, but man it'd fry my brain, I'm totally willing to do that, but not everyone wants a trip to a life on very hard mode.
So true, it's the thing they run from over and over and over again - accountability. They can't do it.
They hate truth period.
@Andreea Ce? Who are you referring to?
Arguing with narcs seems like a much more traumatic and frustrating version of arguing with the "I know you are but what am I?" kid in childhood.
They deflect, blame you, start confusing the issue, throw other random attacks at you, and say a bunch of illogical annoying things trying to make you into the villain.
They have an endless armory of "I know you are but what am I?? "
🤣🤣🤣 yes.
I have told my ex narc that!
@@bedlam529 oh I bet they loved hearing that!
Yup
They can never answer a simple question. Ever. They always have to deflect, spin it, re-word it...all because of their desire to maintain the upper hand in any and all situations.
They are Chaos merchants, but of course, that's what they will accuse you of. So much Projection.
Six years post narcissistic relationship and I still ask myself why. Why did I allow myself to be treated so badly?
They’re smart i n the art of manipulating and messing up with your brain. Don’t blame yourself, that’s fucked up even for the narcissist her/himself.
Good to hear you ended a bad relationship.
I beat myself up a lot too. My therapist would always say “You stayed for as long as you needed to stay.” Remember to be kind to yourself.❤️❤️❤️
You’re not alone. I’m two years out and I still wonder why I stayed as long as I did?
13 yrs post and I still ask myself the same thing.
I once asked my ex, “Why do you always lie to me?”
He answered, “Because when I tell you the truth you get hysterical. I have to lie because you’re crazy “ 😂Sometimes they answer.
Yep, they lie BECAUSE IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! Not because they are so emotionally screwed up they can't have normal and calm discourse.
Wow, he's very manipulative. I hope you get out soon
Oh I’m out. Thanks to Dr. R I can laugh now.
Yep, thats what I hear too. Mine says he can't talk to me about things because I have always a different opinion and react aggressive. But in fact, that is what he is doing 😅 I was asking him what he expects from me. He said he wants the good looking, slim, loving person back who never questions his opinion and does what he says. Unbelievable! But describes perfect that he just needs a servant
Husband is the same, unfortunately he’s not an ex and most likely will not be.
Level 1: Never ask a question that starts with "why?"!
Level 2: Never ask a question!
💯
Level 2 is the bestest option😂
Add what, where & when
So no W' s...When, where, why...unless you want hell to unleash ask all🤣👍🙃
Too many questions😂😂😂
Finally!! an NPD coach who realizes that much of this audience cannot simply "leave and go no contact". Thank you for offering such helpful survival strategy, Doctor. More of that please 👏
I'm so glad I found her!!😊
Been watching these to deal with my own issues.
I'm making a playlist
THIS IS THE MOST VALIDATING, RELATABLE, SANITY SAVING VIDEO I'VE EVER SEEN. Thank you for highlighting possibly THE most CRAZY MAKING aspect of interacting with the narc. Doc, you're doing God's work. This should be mandatory educational material for anyone who finds themselves in relationship hell with a narcissist.
This should be taught in high school as a mandatory life skill because it will save you so much time, frustration, fighting, and grief! I could have avoided so many people and situations in life if I could have known what this behavior is and to just avoid it at all cost!
Half of life is lost pleasing others. The other half is lost in going through anxieties caused by others.
How very true ❤
well we can put that aside and PARRRRTAE NOW. FUCK EM. fuckk em all. play pretend BE the narc. take shrooms. re wire your own brain. they can't. YOU CAN. FREEEEDOM!!!!
I relate to this so much... and as an autistic person, I tend to be more of a hermit in an attempt to avoid those anxieties.
As I learn to not be a doormat, I'm not as focused on pleasing others as I used to be. Ironically enough, the general people pleasing tendency has been a survival skill like masking...
How about learning to please and love yourself? Not blaming others for your angst and anxiety is a good start too. We blame the narcissist for everything, but surely we had some choice in picking them and staying w/ as long as we did.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 sometimes we get tricked and trapped... so you can't exactly keep blaming someone who was fooled if the performance was able to fool a victim long enough to get into a relationship...
if you are expected to always take responsibility for falling for someone who turns out to be a narcissist, wouldn't the response to that be to stop having relationships at all? that will cause havoc on mental health
edit: imagine being someone who doubts their own ability to pick good people to be in a relationship with, but wants to be in a relationship with people... what will eventually happen?
It’s like asking a child why they did something - they don’t know.
That's my spouse's favorite answer "I don't know." It's maddening.
My spouse answers, "I don't know," to avoid responsibility and accountability.
This describes my entire marriage to my ex. Lol!
Actually they are like man/woman - child who are frozen in past.
I reckon they do know why but they will never ever admit it!
I'm retired. She works. So I do the cooking, make her lunch for work, do laundry. I don't mind. It's a good thing. When I do dishes it's usually in the morning. Lol i don't do them everyday either.
Last night, she comes into kitchen to get her dinner that i cooked. I'm doing dishes. She asked "why are you doing dishes now? Decided you should get them done since I was coming home? You usuallydo them during the day."
WOW!!! That was a dig. I know it. So I calmly say nope. The truth is i came in to make your dinner and realized dishes weren't done and some of these i will need in the morning to fix your lunch.
"Oh, you haven't been in the kitchen at all today?"
Biting my tongue i said... you don't have to do them because i do them. What does it matter when i do them...
Guess what happen next???😂😂😂😂 BOOM Im being disrespectful, unreasonable and blowing it out of proportion. 😂 Anything i say after that is met with her over talking me. Finally her go to phrase "I'm done talking to you, you can be quiet now." I laugh and she keeps talking. I say "I thought you were done talking?" BOOM BOOM yes I polked that BEAR BECAUSE I NO LONGER CARE.
I wish I had known this 30 years ago. I didn't understand why my husband always overreacted to the simplest of things. He treated me as if I was invisible shortly after we were married and I really thought there was something wrong with me! I've learned so so much from Dr Ramani and others that I subscribe to. I now gray rock and do anything and everything that makes (me) happy. And it's true "he's confused" bc I used to give him all of my attention and excuse his meanness for the sake of getting along. That girl is no longer!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉
All power to you! Loved reading your comment
They don't want to be told what to do, but they will steal your idea on what to do later as their own.
Yes, that what my sister always does to me
Omg, my husband constantly did that! I feel your pain 🙏🏾
So many times, mine would tell me about a "lightbulb" moment where somebody would give them advice to fix a problem they were having and they realized that's exactly what they had to do. So many times I was like, "that's what I said!" I'd be so perplexed. I get it now.
On the nail, well said.
Yes absolutely! I can say something to my husband to help him with his p c,and afew weeks later he says it to me like he's the one that knows and I have no clue.they take other people's credit.
They don't want to ask that questions because they got caught. They hate that, because they would have to admit that they do things on purpose.
Yes on purpose is right on
Or completely with no logical purpose and pure, underdeveloped, insecure impulsivity.
@@nataliaalfonso2662 and lack of impulse control creates shame and that shame needs an outlet
@@nataliaalfonso2662 either way, ask them and they won't admit that its either or both and thats okay as long as YOU dont do it or expect and answer
Yeah they are so delusional
I wish I have had someone telling me all this before I got married. My husband of 25 years used to behave like a dictator and all the red flags were there. Emotional abuse is a serious problem in a relationship. From emotional abuse, cheating started.Thank you *Pentagon Codes* for posting this time to get me all the evidence.
This is a great video! My biggest problem with a narcissistic is that he can engage and be asked/told all kinds of questions just like these BY TOTAL STRANGERS! He can be sweet and charismatic to absolute strangers and he can be told to jump off a bridge, and he'd do it, he's so willing to help without being asked, everything I fight him on, a complete stranger can do and say the EXACT SAME THING to him and it's ok, when I even attempt to do the same thing, or a family member does it, we get disastrous results!
It's all about image preservation. He can't keep that up full time.
It goes to show that they know what they’re doing. They just don’t care. Only about their image, like the comment above already mentioned. Nailed it.
perception management
The narcissistic person hates to be asked a "why" question because they feel that they are the only ones who can ask the "why' questions. 😞
All day ..
@@melindasmith3713 and night 🌙 😂
Hey I got a black eye ! I deserve it
Entitlement!
Exactly, i feel the same
Don’t react. Because anything else will give them supply. And sometimes even no reaction gives them supply as well. Because then they assume that they’re getting to you.
My own mother is diabolic like that.
It really Changes the “people” around them
My new boss is a narc and when I give him no reaction he either thinks he's "won" or he seethes.
I’m 62 1/2 I was raised by a narcissistic parent I’ve been through a lot a life experience to military experience and it was because the military I read it 100% PTSD and with that I have narcissistic tendencies I wonder why man exactly what you said I get all that stuff when my wife asked me why But then she has a problem. She can only ask why when you talk her into a corner she gets all upset and throws up a big handful and doesn’t want to talk about it. OK then that let’s not talk about it but down in the sour and it’s is on me because I pointed it out to her because she was raised by a narcissistic parent also and we’re both babies of the family so we oh this is something else to Dr; This past year we’ve been married 36 years but we’ve known each other for over 40 & we bicker and yell but know our Love to each other is Stronger. I am a Virgo and she’s a Pisces and within the astrological circle; We are not supposed to be getting along well. I have a secret to that it goes like this: God bless you.
The games are exhausting.
I just returned from vacation with my narcissistic sister…the whole trip felt like I was walking on eggshells…periods of cold, silent treatment, one word answers when trying to create conversation…wracking my brain trying to figure out what I said or did. This video is true….”why” is the invitation to gaslight and negate you. I’ve always suspected that my sister has learned (or inherited) my mother’s behavior…this week confirmed it. As soon as you ask “why”, it’s an invitation for a huge argument. I had to Grey rock and pretend the whole week to navigate her behavior. I paid for a tank of gas, some meals and drinks, and even paid for most of the lodging. I want a relationship with my sister but going forward, it won’t be a close, loving relationship…she’s not capable and my mother through years of triangulation and putting her children against each other…has destroyed our family. Narcissists and toxic people destroy everything they touch. Learning to recognize and navigate their personalities is a very important life skill…
💯
Totally agree, never ask "why" questions, you're just going to get a word salad filled with denials. I've found a better tactic is to ask simple clarifying questions with yes or no answers, important to not sound accusing, and this often reveals their motivations, then you can roll with it and have the upper hand.
Great info, an example please
@@Time4change111 An example might be 'are you asking ______?' It attempts to clarify their motives without accusing.
So true. I was told “I’m not going to rehash this” when it had never been talked about in the first place.
Same! I always get "I'm not doing this right now" so now, I literally don't talk to him anymore. We are going through a divorce and still living together but keep things strictly about our kids. I used to ask him if he still wants a divorce, I used to ask him if he ever missed me, I used to ask him if he ever loved me. I dont ask anymore, I already know the answers to my questions.
@Berliz Gonzalez or , " I haven't got time for this." I wish he would get therapy for his " dead mother" complex.
or, we already went over this ... ( um, we did ?)
or better yet, I dont want to talk about this (control of when we can talk about it), I accept that with no pushback and he is back seconds to minutes later with one of his "oh and another thing" rant, so I took his power away and spoke over him saying YOU WANTED TO NOT TALK ABOUT IT SO I WILL CONTINUE TO TALK OVER YOU SO YOU CANNOT TALK ABOUT IT AND SAY ITS MY FAULT WE TALKED ABOUT IT WHEN YOU DIDNT TALK ABOUT IT AND I SEE YOU ARE STILL TALKING SO I WILL CONTINUE TO TALK OVER SO YOUR WISH OF NOT TALKING ABOUT IT CAN BE FULFILLED..........worked like a freaking charm. He got mad and demanded an apology later and my response was, didnt you not want to talk about it?....blank stare...throbbing forehead vein
@@melisentiapheiffer3034 THIS!!! Mine uses his mothers death as a weapon. He wields it at the exact moments its needed to get all kinds of pity, sympathy, empathy, money or benefit. It went from a reason to an excuse
I once asked the narcissist abusing my sister (her grand daughters mother, her son had died years prior) ‘what is your endgame here? What are you hoping to accomplish?’ That flustered her so badly she stormed out of the house.
That person may have left the building.....they will be back.
Thanks for defending your sis😊
Yes I've asked, what's the payoff in it for them? A sense of superiority?
@@maryshkamiceli8388 Entertainment, too.
I think that's great. It was all on display and you called it out. A rhetorical question because you knew exactly what she was doing, but it validated that question and pointed out her actions to all present, the ones she was hurting. Those targets surely feel less alone now. You stood up for them. [Heart emoji!]
I wonder every time the narc husband kicks off over nothing why and what’s his purpose. I never get why they treat the one person, who they should infact love and respect and not want to lose, with so much utter contempt and disregard.
Thank you so much for your channel. The penny dropped for me recently. I believe I have known a covert/vulnerable narcissist for several years now. Its all so obvious to me now. Everything adds up perfectly. I am deeply dissapointed with myself for not seeing it sooner but at the same time know i shouldnt be because of how subtle the clues are. One of the first things i remember her saying to me shortly after we first met was "You are not easy to control. I wish you were" then she glossed over it saying she was "joking". Red flag? lol. She also intimates i am a narcissist... that suggestion prompted me to research and I found your channel and have concluded she is covert... but also very intelligent.. not a good mix. so much of your content has helped me to 'get it' but now i need to get 'over it', and her... which at 58 years old I could do without. I love the woman very much but now know she doest care. I feel crushed. But at the same time liberated. Very odd place to be
Omg....😢 Seee that "you are not easy to control "....they read people well.
after a more research I have reconsidered my 'diagnosis' lol.. After realizing I have been misunderstanding some terms i concluded she isnt covert at all... she is just very subtle.
My last ex GF was the same way. Very impatient and demanding. Accused me of having NPD. The first night we met she event burst out "when are you going to kiss me!" When I felt we were already on a natural path to it anyway. It wasn't fast enough for her. Over the course of the relationship she kept getting her mind blown that I didn't want sex all the time. I too have a life with responsibilities and moods where I can't afford the time or simply don't want it at the time. It became all about her wants. The last time, when I held my ground she threatened her own life. I called her bluff. I took her straight to the hospital admitted her and essentially walked away.
So true, my mother cannot look inwards and I feel like the smallest request basically 'why did you treat me like that' has resulted in three years of her pathologising me and gaslighting me.... I had the naive expectation that she HEAR that she had hurt me. But you're right, I will never get an answer to why she will not acknowledge that she has hurt me. At every point, she chose instead of listening, to be defensive, to attack me, to give me the silent treatment, to smear me to relatives, to gaslight me. So much pathologising of me was required to avoid a moment's self-reflection. But in a way, it's worked perfectly because she still believes she did NOTHING wrong and I have grown increasingly frustrated with her narrative that I'm deranged. She only recognises a raised voice as ''anger''. She won't recognise her own silent treatment of me or DARVO or gaslighting as forms of anger, so in her eyes, after three years of the hell she's put me through, she is perfect and I'm insane.
Holy shit, this was like reading about my sister. She will talk down to me, refusing to listen to me that tells her to stop. When i finally have enough and raise my voice to say please get away from me only telling me hateful things. She will use that excuse to stonewall me for weeks on end, while we're usually close. She will say "you told me yourself to get away from you. That's what i'm doing. You shouldn't say those things, so it's all your own fault you're now feeling frustrated i treat you this way.". She will say she did some stuff wrong. But never will she admit to anything malicious. Instead she will gaslight me on all my major boundaries. Saying the boundaries are unreasonable, they are "just my opinion", she doesn't do complying to her own made promises. It's all me who does stuff, that makes her have no choice to treat me like shit. That's basically her argument. After those few weeks, she will out of the blue tell me she can pick me up tomorrow for something fun, if i'm not there, it's again my fault. Me not wanting to act like nothing happened while i've been hurt so much is me staying in negativity is what she says. It's a cycle. I've noticed it repeats every month or so.
I wish you good luck healing! You can question the whole world and your own sanity. I still can't seem to accept that people so close by, so loving on times, can be so cruel. Really not wanting any sort of resolution. It just seems like something to bizarre to be real. I think the only way out is to love ourselves. Fix ourselves to the point we can take pity on those souls without them having the ability to crush us. Peace!
once when i was cuddling with my narcissistic ex, i saw a smile. my intention was to ask "why are you smiling?" and he could answer "because I love cuddling with you, it makes me happy." instead, he gaslit me. "im not smling!" What? ok... the question made him feel vulnerable, and rather than have a bonding experience, he caused conflict, and of course blamed the conflict on me. I've always wondered why such a small question could lead to being DARVO'd but this video pretty much explains it. now I feel better in knowing i didnt really do anything wrong, narcissists just can't handle being vulnerable or introspective.
Were we seeing the same narc? 😂
I like your name😂
And they cannot bond
I should have run when he got angry at me for feeding him. Most twisted, convoluted bullshyt ever.
Seems like they are terrified of looking inward.
And all of this is to avoid looking.
If you want to keep the peace, never put a narcissist on the defensive.
Good tip
That is right. The problem is they are always on the defensive, even if you do nothing 😉 I can not even look at mine or I get a stare back as if he would like to kill me. I was scared a long time. But now after all the information I got, I start laughing at his behaviour. Feels like dealing with a little kid. Glad it is not my kid 😅
Telling them where the boundary is makes them agitate you more. Not telling them the boundary they think they are getting away with it. Put up another boundary and it becomes headgames on. They are stupid, evil people. They never learn. Save your breath.
@@zg6045 same! Those angry eyes.
If you want peace, ditch the Narc.
This video was a big revelation. I am definitely a “why” person. It’s my go to question. Because I really want to understand how others think and feel or just how things work. My ex wife must’ve hated that. I’d mostly get the silent treatment or an exasperated “I don’t know!” I now have an answer, 2 years after divorce. Thanks Dr. Ramani.
I'm an engineer (or was)and always need to understand. It's a gift and curse for sure.
This is SPOT ON and so extremely helpful. I was married to a narcissist for 6 years and am going through a divorce with a child with him. Understanding this has helped me be able to accept that I’ll never understand the “whys” for his behavior. Acceptance is hard but it has saved me a lot of heartache. I’ll be working through the rest of your videos, now!
OMG YES, “Why?” . That question has caused so much trouble in my life. I can see it so clearly now. Their unconsciousness, lack of insight, and superficiality is so incomprehensible to me, it’s truly like there’s ‘nobody home’.
WOW! YES! Nobody home.
I realized this when i starting hearing my currently 3year old daughter say "earth to mommy" when trying to get her attention lol and then when she turns to me because i make my best efforts to give her my undivided attention shes pissed at us for simply having a better connection then her and my daughter, a connection she never tried to cultivate smh. Im learning to get a good laugh out of this on the daily but i am in fear for my daughters development.
Yes - the answer is always “because they’re a narcissist” period
Not a damN person
There is somebody home. An amoeba.
I could have used this video 30 years ago. This is exactly what I went through with my ex whenever I ask "why".
Indeed! When I had a urgent use for this information still in time to stop me from getting married to a narcissistic woman and by this getting also bound to her even worse mother as future mother in law TH-cam had not been founded yet and while Doctor Ramani Durvasula was on her job as psychologist back then she likely would not have collected the vast treasure of insights she shares with us today. Thank you @DoctoRamani
At the beginning I was convinced that I was acting paranoid/crazy over nothing but I'm so glad that I was able to prove that I'm not as dumb as he thinks , got full access to phone/video calls, gallery *Pentagon Codes* thank you so much for keeping to the non-disclosure agreement and guiding me in the most professional way, just like I wanted so grateful for you
Wow, I can very much relate to this. Always got attacked after asking why and then it immediately triggered me into feeling anxious. Always made me feel like he was doing something wrong.
I was just granted overnights with my children against the demands of my ex. She's kept my children from me for years despite my having completed everything the courts expected of me. When i would ask what she wants me to do, she would say "ask your lawyer". My lawyer didn't know, because it was my ex's reasoning.
She just strung me along jumping through hoops with no payoff at the end.
I had to hire a parenting consultant who, in one week, settled the matter completely.
How was the settlement reached by the parenting consultant?
Experienced the same thing in the same exact way.
@@totonow6955consultant listened to what we each wanted and the evidence to support our respective sides, and then made a ruling.
I suggest using a parenting consultant if you have the opportunity. It brings the court system more down to earth and makes it about what's logically good for the children rather than being about who has more money or a better lawyer.
If you happen to be in Minnesota I have a name to recommend.
@@charliemurph007awesome!!! Was it the best day of your life? I was so emotionally numb from years of getting disregarded as a parent. When I got the news tears rolled down for hours but I wasn't really crying. Just such an emotional dam being broken that my eyes couldn't hold back the torrent of silent tears.
As the first overnight grows closer, my children are more excited.
OK, I hung in there, until I knew the kids would "always know me". After 8 years and many Court appearances, I told the Judge he should be ashamed of ruining a good parent's time with his kids. She won't quit, is my hunch. 25 years later, the kids know who's responsible. If she attends the violence against women club, they will endlessly pursue that agenda as well. Try a 'take away'? I know it's complicated but, make sure you are never alone, with "Mom". If you're putting up with this, I'm willing to bet you are a good Dad and the reason for my post. Stick it out as long as possible and when the kids are 18, you can pick up the game of parenting and before hand, explain this to the kids. Good luck, I know it's not fair... be prepared to pull away, if it gets out of hand too. BTW, Biden sponsored the Domestic Violence against women act, which includes Child custody, support order and so forth. fathers are the ruin of it all so, know you are not alone. Try www.dadsdivorce.com for reference. Best of luck, there is a future and don't sign up to be a serial marriage!
This is a great tool to use when getting to know someone if you’re trying to discern whether or not they’re a narcissist. Ask some why questions! 😂
However it is likely that it will not work in the dating and love bombing phase though. But at least one more point on the potential red flag list.
Good point!
This was by far one of the most powerful lessons that you have given us. That almost last comment, Why Do They Mistreat You? you said they don't think they are. Wow! I took notes, so helpful. Taking my life back has been quite a journey, and accepting that my narcissist will never change is painful. Learning to live with her in my life in very limited amounts of time (she is family) instead of continuing to trying to figure out how to get her to treat me with kindness has been a challenge, but worth the peace that I now feel. I will always be sad that this is all I get, but I'm done banging my head against the wall. Thank You!
Love your wisdom.....For all who are trying to beat a dead horse, get away from the abuse and do not look back, know that you have been abused and move forward
Why does anyone who can escape a narcissist do anything but leave. They are not worth the life force they drain from your soul. Period.
I wish I could escape now, if I had anywhere to go to start over I would leave asap!!!
I think it's hard for someone who is not a Narcissist, to accept they are simply never going to change. It's hard to imagine someone could be so cold and empty when we are none of those things. And sometimes they give us a glimmer of hope. It's extra hard when you have children with them because I would rather take the emotional abuse than share my kids. But I am currently going through a divorce and have to convince myself that this is what's best for me and my kids as well.
Its a cat and mouse game for them. They play with you until you have no energy to fight back or leave. Then they go in for the kill.
Because their targets are afraid that if they leave, the narcissist will go off the deep end and try to murder them. They also make us the target of smear campaigns and they try to turn everyone against us so that this way nobody will believe us when we come forward to tell everyone what a horrible human being they are. Add to the fact that the narcissist will do everything they can to financially destroy the targets that this way they won't be able to thrive on their own. I've been fortunate enough to survive leaving narcissistic exes, but at one point I was nearly murdered. Single now and living in peace. Men in my dating life have been nothing but trouble.
It's so tiring to babysit an adult narcissist, spending so much time trying to figure out what they are doing. It's a non-ending trip on a hamster wheel and your life keeps passing you by, years you cannot get back. Being with a narcissist makes you sick, contributes to ill health from the chronic stress.
“They do not like being told what to do”. Meanwhile, they treat their partners like parental figures. They are seriously delusional. Nothing makes sense with them.
And my narc mother say, "you are not a prisoner, you are not a slave!" Never really stops her from treating me like those things, on top of maliciously confusing me to gain more control over me. Same with my nard sister. "Actions speaks louder than words."-Chinese Confucius Philosopher
Omg yes!
> "Meanwhile, they treat their partners like parental figures."
Dear +JH
Sorry, I do not understand. How should treating a partner like a parent look like? I truly try to understand, but cannot match this with my experiences.
Never happened to me. My ex-wife certainly did not treat me as a parental figure - neither as an equivalent parent for our kids nor as a parental figure for herself. Well on the other hand she told me how she had tantrums like a toddler still in her teen years terrorizing her parents and sisters - maybe I was treated like a parent figure after all?
Right, no know-it- all likes being told what to do. It's so sick how they take it as a personal attack. So immature and insecure.
They also expect their children to parent them 😒
OMG I have experienced this EXACT phenomenon for over a decade in my own intimate relationship and never knew what I was dealing with! Every sincere curiosity is interpreted as an accusation 🤯
Well said Dr. Ramani 👏. There's nothing satisfying about being in a superficial, psychologically empty relationship!!!
And never expect a narc to apologize for their desperate reactions to the most simple of questions, like "why".
You're not going to get an apology with amends / accountability -- you might get them to mouth the empty words "I'm sorry" but you're probably not going to get them so say "for what"
Wow holy crap, this doesn't just apply to narcissists, this also applies to non-narcissistic insecure people sensitive to criticism. I'm a very curious person who is eager to learn and now I know one of the reasons people easily get upset with me. I ask why a lot...
I think I'm a bit autistic I want to ask why a lot but dontfeel free to ask as much as I want, however I'm still the one in the group that will put her hand up ad say, I dont get it...why is the blahdy blah lead to blah blahdey?. narcissists will freak. good teacher types will just screw yup their ego and explain as much as they can.
@@jillevans4586 I'm on the spectrum too :) I've also found that people who are confident or know a lot about their subject don't have a problem saying "i don't know", or they are really happy you asked and give you a really insightful elaborate answer. So I find that asking why is actually quite a good way to find out more about what the person you're asking are like as a person :)
@@malinliljeblad8875 It can really depend on how you ask and approach the situation. In my experience, the narcissists I've close to (mom and ex of 10 years), usually don't mind being asked why. W/ the ex in charged situations, his answers aren't too insightful most often, and can contradict each other. What he'd come apart about is anything resembling criticism, but not a simple or even loaded why usually.
This is so true. I'm one of those insecure people and I've been trying so hard not to feel so reactive when someone asks me why I do something. I have a narcissistic mother, and I'm only ever asked a "Why" question so that she can put me down and make me feel like garbage. It's been a real eye-opener to understand that others (mainly coworkers) aren't trying to put me down, they just want to know my process.
Insecurities can lead to covert narcissistic tendencies. It’s all the same thing. Fear
Really great! It is hard to break through the false sense of superiority! I gave up expecting reciprocal conversation in elementary school!
I learned this early as a child. I got alot of ass whoopins for asking why. But what it taught me is that what a narcissist won't say with their words they will always say with their actions. If you are in a relationship with one, get out asap. If you can't get out, don't ask why just watch what they do in certain situations without reaction or response and you will pick up on the pattern of behavior quickly. Know that you can not change them and your dealings with them need to be based on what you can and are willing to tolerate. This may miss a few people but when you are with them you have to listen with your eyes.
True that. I asked Why only once because in the blink of an eye, both eyes were blackened & my lip was split. Plan your financial independence and your escape, and run. A peaceful life awaits you.
Agree totally. Watch. Listen. Learn.
" By their fruits shall ye know them"
.
And that is exactly "why" I finally got to the point of walking away for good. I would ask why are you doing this? Initially she would come after me verbally, but ultimately hang up. I finally reached the point of no return. I'm done. No contact feels so much better.
Continue with that no contact. God knows I wish I would have.
@@ENDOPLAGUE Hope you're rid of the narc.
@@Leelee-op7vj we have a child together. Getting rid of my narc is next to impossible.
I’m thoroughly convinced that total separation is the only way to “deal with” a narcissist.
There is NO fixing them.
@@ENDOPLAGUE I hear ya but not impossible. We had a child together too and I methodically planned and dreamed of it being away from him for a long time and my dreams came true. Don't waste your life being unhappy ... get your ducks in a row and go. Visualize a wonderful life and dreams come true.
Oh my goodness, I actually used that why today, asking about him sitting down watching movie Instead of picking up the kids and I got thunder steering and attack on things I didn't do in the last 12years in the marriage 😊.
Thank God I'm on the healing stage, so it didn't bother me ,I simply walked away. No more why in my dictionary
Stay strong!
I'm a refugee from a powerful toxic narcissistic relationship. The hardest and most hurtful aspect of their behaviour is to not only refuse to own what they do to you, but to turn around and accuse you of the very thing that they are doing to you, which you find so hurtful and unacceptable !
An eye opening video! In retrospective it had been innocent why-questions addressing her behavior that triggered my narcissistic ex-wife to escalate her usual level of domestic violence from the normal emotional suppression and contempt towards outbursts of physical violence.
Since few years I have the kids 50-50 and are able to provide a safe harbor and sane home for myself and my new partner, setting an example of a sane, hearty and sincere couple interaction. Even the weeks the kids spend with their mother seem to be less problematic as my ex apparently feels the threat of being compared to the dad-household without being able to blame shift the fallout of her narcissistic actions in my direction anymore.
Videos like yours could have helped me break free years earlier and they still help me keep sanity co-parenting two children with their narcissistic mother.
They don’t want you to ask why or what their going to the store for because they aren’t really going to the store
They may not look like they are 10, but they act it.
Or 4. “You’re not the boss of me”!
This one has me so confused. My mom is the controlling narc so when she asks me why then I react with "I don't have to tell you because I'm an adult" because she will turn everything on it's head. Anything that she doesn't like is disrespect no matter how small. I'm so sick of it. Sometimes I'm made to feel selfish just for standing up for myself.
Very true. I also found it dangerous to answer when he asked "why" questions. When I told him my thoughts and reasons for my action he would respond "that's stupid" or "you're just making excuses". That might be an interesting companion video. The dangers of honestly answering "why" questions from a Narcissist. 🦋
Thank you so much for this video. This has answered the ONE QUESTION that plagued my mind 6 years in and 6 months out of my narcissistic relationship. The lack of insight in a narcissist amazes me to date. As angry as it makes me, it is even more comforting to know why those "why" questions never really had an answer from my partner, and all I got was bouts of rage and gaslighting instead of a simple explanation. Now, I heave a sigh of relief rather than go down the road of rumination and overthinking! Thank you so much Dr. Ramani, you made my life easier by providing all the much-needed information. My nervous system thanks you for explaining these videos with such clarity, you saved me from chronic anxiety and pain.
Interestingly…THIS is why I thought I was the problem. My mother would use questions as a way to break me down and confuse me - to the point that I would give up and apologize. Today I understand that questions from a non antagonist person is simply a bid for information and NOT an attempt to belittle and as a result I am most likely to respond with open sharing and less anxiety (I also pay attention to how my body feels).
That is a very important detail, knowing how your body feels.
I had been through what I went through with my narcissistic ex. I wondered if I would be able to figure out if someone else was a narcissist if I ever came across another. So I was unsure how I would know if I did.
Then it happened, a person I was potentially interested in showed me something my ex used to do to me a lot. My body instantly felt that pain and took me back to all of them times of torment. I ran faster away than your head could spin.
Absolutely listen to your body.
I can relate to this with my mom and the way she says things and asks things, as there’s often this undertone of undermining, criticism and control that I find super frustrating, and I would get upset but then end up apologizing as well. Learning to not react for sure but it’s hard sometimes. Thanks for sharing ❤
Reminds me of older relative. Whatever answer I gave I was damned.
I can relate. My narc mother does this to me as well.
Right again Dr.Ramani! Now I understand why I NEVER got a normal answer to my "why" questions! And I was very confused with his deflection and empty answers to justify his flirting. Now I know he felt entitled and needed to treat me like that in order to feel better himself and I am soooo glad I got away!
I felt so validated when you said “if you’re stuck in a narc relationship or simply don’t WANT to get out”…. I hope I’ll leave someday but I’m just not ready yet 😥
At least you're aware of it...God bless...enjoy what you can...love yourself, be careful...plan your escape for when you've had enough...
Hi
OMG . I always ask the why. But in the sense that the “ unexamined life is not worth living” sense. I am always trying to make sense of the senseless….
Ooh they freak out.
Perhaps you are an artist or a scientist.
This hits home! NOW I understand why my narcissistic husband accused me of being a prosecutor when I tried to understand why he did what he did....
He didn't do it lol , you did !
I think one of the most frequent questions I asked was ; Why can't/won't you answer a simple question ?
He just wouldn't answer even the most basic question ...all life decisions were left up to me ....where we lived , major purchases ..like a vehicle or furniture etc , if we wanted to go out or stay in and where, if we went away and where , what job he would apply for etc ....although he never said anything about quitting a job , which he did frequently...he would just inform me he had after the fact or if he decided to purchase himself a vehicle or motorbike .. then it was left upto me to sort out the financial shitstorm that followed .
I'm glad he is gone .
Broke but happy .
This reminds me of a time years ago when I checked out a book on how to deal w/put downs. The author wrote that one should never ask "why do you think I'm a f-up" as that will only encourage more abuse. However, she wrote that it's sometimes good to ask "when did you start thinking I'm a f-up?"
So U can ask when but not why. I don't know if that is safe either. No Contact works for me the best. Good luck in your healing journey 😊
I'M going to try "when" questions with my mom- it worked today! I found out my brother is in florida with her!!😂 they never tell me anything...lol
I’ve also been on the other end of this with a narc parent asking inappropriate questions/why’s in undermining criticizing negative controlling ways with no boundaries that seem like it’s meant to take jabs at me. It’s super frustrating. She always denies it and pretends it was an innocent question, but it was not. There are innocent whys and not so innocent whys. Yet when I have innocently and gently asked her why she abusively spanked us growing up, she freaked out on me and raged at me in terms of how dare I ask that. She rarely takes responsibility for her harmful actions yet I always over apologize for any mistake I make. So tired of it. Learning to control my reactions, disengage, not ask her certain things, and know the difference. Thank you ❤
Hey Volk sounds just like my narc mom and ex narc perfectly.
Boy does this ring true, I asked “why are you answering me in one word and being so short with me?” That’s the last time we talked, almost 3 years ago, my sister, now the rest of my siblings have followed her and I’m now an orphan, but I think I’m better off for it💔
If your siblings followed her, that means they're her flying monkeys and you're better off outside their radar. I'm so sorry your whole family is so toxic.
I disowned my mother five months ago and every time I watch one of your videos it just reminds me why I'm here.
I can't express the grief.
But I can point to those that love me and build me up instead of tearing me down.
And, like a smoker quitting cigarettes,
I just keep going on with my days
and try to make peace
whenever I find myself going in mental circles, old conversations,
wanting to "get back" at them some how.
I'll never get the closure I wanted,
but I can get the closure I created by cutting them off.
I feel badly for you. I know what hell is like
Thru the years, I've learned thru hit and miss. Coming across your videos has been the support I and my children have needed. Despite being in a marriage, I literally was a single parent. I'm an empty nester now and soon to be single..and Free..soon. I just have to make it like it's his idea to leave me so there'll be no escalations. Thank You Thank You!!
Yeah, it's incredible. The last narcissist I was with got so aggressive when I just asked him not to push people when they need to go past them, but to kindly tap them on the shoulder and ask instead,... it was insane.
Of all the videos I have watched and all the things I have read on narcissism, this particular video has answered the most questions for me. It seems so simple now that I have heard it put into such a concise way. I hope it gets one billion views and likes.
It's a waste of precious time, breath, and energy to ask them" Why" they did something...
Once they SHOW you who they are, believe them and walk away...The word salading, gas lighting & projecting is exhausting enough...They hate admitting fault and if they do it's done with a distain and now they have a grudge against you and will seek revenge...not worth the headache
I’m wondering how many narcissists are watching this, learning new techniques to manipulate their families. I could possibly be a narcissist and watching this for ideas. Thank you so much
Doctor Ramani, I hope you sleep peacefully every night until end of time because you save lives with these videos!!!
I asked that question, I got told to F off. Their retaliation was to tell me that "I'm stupid and that my maturity level was that of a 7-year-old" when I (literally) have 30 years on this kid. For them to call me stupid, (I was born with a disability and was severely bullied at school), so jokes on them I've been called stupid so many times it's not funny (it's just water rolling off a duck's back), at this point in my life. It was a blessing in disguise so to speak, the grief is there because I've MORNED living (more than once). However, that being said it's a blessing because I'm not entangled in their web of lies anymore I'm not under their illusions. If anything it took me so freaking long (and a lot of therapy), to detangle myself and I'm still working on that. Not having the influences around me in my head constantly nitpicking it's just pure bliss
Thank you so much for this. I learned that I was in a relationship with a Narcissist. It's like every question was an accusation. And I could never De-escalate a situation because he would always try to escalate.
I wish I’d studied all of this information BEFORE I started dating. This could have saved me 36 years of confusion, frustration, and feelings of abject failure.
Thanks for the clue, Dr. Ramani ♥
Looking back, I have noticed that the narcissist also uses the 'Why?' ... and when you give them an answer, they will use that to start things up, judging and arguing over the slightest little thing and that is so annoying!
It has brought me into a situation myself where I pay close attention of how any 'Why?' from anyone is asked of me, because one can ask 'Why?' out of a true interest and care, while another already has the tone of voice in a Why-question where I can immediately detect, if it's meant as a provocation to start an argument.
Once again, you are spot on!! My "why" questions in search for understanding, were either met with anger, defensiveness, avoidance or dismissiveness and gas lighting. I used to question myself why i needed to know so much, because he never communicated clearly because he was manipulating me and my way of thinking all along. Thank you for validating that there was nothing wrong with me. Very scary. Im so thankful to you Dr Ramani and for this wonderful community who seek to heal.❤
Excellent reminder. Thank you, Dr. Romani!
Thank you for these exceptional coping mechanisms. Keep more recommendations coming! ❤️
I have experienced a full blown argument with every why question
My Narcissistic Ex was sooo sensitive “why” questions weren’t even on the radar. I couldn’t even ask something like, “Have you taken the garbage to the street?” even though I just genuinely was wondering if that basic chore needed to be done. She would react as if I was interrogating her as a murder suspect. So I would just check if the garbage had been taken to the street (or whatever question I had) to answer the question myself. It wasn’t worth the inevitable fight over something so basic.
So inevitably I stopped asking questions, started walking on eggshells.
😢🥺
😬
GET OUT of the shitty relationship and live a great life.
OH MY GODDESSES! Your impression of the narcissist, even down to the facial expression, is scary and spot on! It triggered me a little. Wow. You know so well. ⚘🙏💕 You have more...🐄🔔
Obsolutely correct . Thanks Dr Ramani for spreading awareness and educating about this issue. Helping us play safe.
Thank you. I have learned to avoid asking any questions. I Just do observational statements or I say nothing. Try having conversations without asking questions...it's very freeing.
Thanks for always helping us. Many blessings
Such a succinct explanation! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are the reason that I am still sane and am able to navigate my relationship so much more adeptly than in the past. ❤️
This video is so timely and right on. Your kind advice has helped me navigate my relationships with 1+ persons over the last 3 years. Thank you for everything. 🙏
❤❤🙏🤗Thank you for this video Dr Ramani. Thank you Everyone who is commenting and sharing.
You all help so much when you share what you experience, because it clarifies what I experienced and how repetitive and insidious it truly was.
May we all find peace and healing on this journey. ❤
☀️May the light of truth shine through us and guide our lives from now on.
Thank you so much my friend!
Repetitive & Exhausting seem to be the words of the month here in Narc World.
I’m thankful for humans such as yourself 🙏🏻
There have been times when I’ve lost all faith in humanity.
It’s free spirits, such as yourself and others sharing their stories and feeling heard, that have kept me going.
I am very isolated so, in need of a reality check every now and again.
Lots of love & hugs from a Brit 🇬🇧 in Spain 🇪🇸 ❤
The common response I get is, "No good ever comes from talking to you." This video is going to save me a lot of stress and heartache. No good will ever come from talking to him because he doesn't have nor want a deep relationship with anyone, not even his kids. Wow!!! This opened my eyes to so much. Thank you. Dr. Ramani.
I'm putting this one in my top 10 most useful & validating of all your insights! Thank you soooo much for your commitment to helping humanity heal! 🙏 Gratitude 🙏
This is the closest description I've seen yet of what I've lived through with a family member. Listening to this has explained things going back forty-five years. You've actually reminded me of things that I'd forgotten. Absolutely amazing...
I stopped asking “why” a long time ago but only a few days ago I said silently “why after 30 years is it still happening?” Otherwise I don’t ask that question
This describes my ex narc husband except he didn't always rage. He raged plenty, but if I asked why (if it was casual) sometimes he would ignore me, stonewall me, make a joke, change the subject, or be passive aggressive). If it was a why question about why he was treating me a certain way then yes he would do the whole word salad thing, twist things around, blame it on me, and often rage. Sometimes he would take a different tact and apologize. Sometimes he would be like oh I was just distracted. A lot of times he got out of stuff just by straight out lying. Like I'd say why did you do this and he would say I didn't with a total straight face and I would believe him. And then in terms of opposition yeah he couldn't be told what to do. Even if it was just for his own good. But again he didn't usually rage. only sometimes would he rage depending on the topic. Most often his tactic if I reminded him about making a doctor appointment or bringing a sweater or something like that it would just be like oh I forgot. And I believed him. But now I look back at all the times that he just forgot or whatever and now it's obvious to me that he just was never going to do what I asked or suggested no matter what. but he didn't have to rage to get his way. he would just be like oh I forgot. But I'm sure he's a narcissist. all he can do is think about himself and talk about himself and put me down. And despite the fact that he often lost his temper he wasn't the raging crazy narcissist that my father was who would throw things against the wall, punch me, etc. So I always thought he wasn't that bad. I didn't realize he was destroying me from the inside out. Destroying my self esteem and taking my identity. I guess I feel confused about the different kinds of narcissists.
I don't worry about types and labels since it comes down to common behaviours for all narcissists. What differs are personalities that affect the delivery, but end result as you pointed out they destroy their victims.
Yep, the actions of a truly disordered narcissist manifest a bit differently person to person... but I believe the commonalities of all are:
consistent layers of manipulation and consistently self-righteous to (nearly) any extent.
The only time those traits don’t “appear” as consistent, is when they’ve “trained” you well enough.
And yes, they will destroy your self esteem for even the most basic of things in life (make you feel guilty, every time you even consider thinking positively about yourself. You will feel guilt or question yourself any time you feel assertive or feel any sense of self and distinction).
There's so many different forms of narcissism. I hear you with the different responses...so ex classic covert narc never laid a hand on me, never criticized my person, didn'treally put me down...but his actions & all the other sick narc traits like cruelty, lying, cheating, rage, anger, twisting things....so there ya go....abuse is abuse.
@@BB-fo5mr I'm grateful that never happened to me. I never lost myself and I wish others didn't. He made my head spin in astonishment that I never let him see me sweat but I never blamed or questioned myself cuz I knew he was nuts and it channeled into losing any love & respect I ever had for the fool cuz I loved me more. So I wish more victims of narc abuse felt the power that I did and knew it was them and never tried or wasted my time to make it work cuz it won't work. I'm a realist with a lot of things in life when the writing is on the wall and you can't cry over spilled milk.
@@Leelee-op7vjlm
This cleared up such a great mystery for me. Thank you!
My husband used to correct me when I would ask the kids why. He said that it can make people defensive, but I love why questions so I couldn’t understand. This makes so much sense.
I experienced this with an ex narc friend who would come to visit but always be hours late with no explanation. One time she was almost five hours late to visit me and didn’t get there until almost midnight, not telling me she was going to be late so I was worried. When I asked her why she was five hours late, she angrily and dismissively said she was ‘hanging out at the beach with some guy’ , with no apology to keeping me waiting and wondering for five hours. She also expected me to stay up late to visit despite that it was midnight and I had to work early. She had no regard for others time schedules. She could never be questioned in anyway, it was super stressful and unhealthy, so I had to back away from the friendship to protect my health. Thank you dr ramani ❤
My narcissist tried to hide and divert an inheritance from me, (I live in a different country)- I couldn’t believe it when I discovered this from a third party. Eventually I asked him if this was actually what he did? - met with silence. Later I asked him “why? “.
I got my answer at last - “you don’t deserve it”.
They will murder you for what you have if they believe they are entitled to it. They are amoral creatures.
Worth it to rid of him?
This makes so much sense!! As I reflect on the numerous arguments that seemingly came out of nowhere I can follow the pattern that many started with what I thought was a simple Why question. I truly thought I was trying to be understanding and not accusatory but I can do see how that question forces them to do what is truly painful for them and that is to understand themselves.
I have been accused of thinking and feeling all sorts of negatives things towards him that couldn’t be further from my truth but I can see how this kicks up these feelings within him about himself!!
Thank you for breaking down this 3 letter word in a way that provides relief from the crazy making this relationship is!!
TY for being such an intelligent, beautiful person. I have been suffering for over a year bc of the WHY? I have been reading about narcissism trying to understand it. I found this channel, and you have brought me so much comfort and knowledge! I thought there was something wrong with me, like I wasn't good enough, and that's why he kept emotionally abusing me. I understand now it was all bc of his sickness. It is still very difficult to accept that the "good" was a fasaude and the "bad" was his authentic self, it still breaks my heart daily. Again, TY for sharing your expertise. I hope you realize you are a blessing to many.❤