I think it would be helpful to do more than just ask if they are a Christian. My husband said he was a Christian and I saw him reading the Bible, but zero growth. It seems as if the good Christian man was just a role he played around other Christians. Put him around other guys cheating on their wives and cursing and he does that too. Separate lives.
You have to make sure the person is not only a Christian, but a godly and growing Christian. I have a chapter in I Didn’t Want a Divorce, Now What? on the type of person you want to date.
I stayed with my abuser because I was getting older and fell for his manipulating love bombing. I didn’t want to be alone. His looks and body fooled me. His words though fake made me feel loved.
I wish I had this advice before I got married. My husband was so attached to his ex wife and she use to make sure she said something negative about me to him and he never defended me. It was so crazy.
I love that you said spiritual bond that makes so much sense I also like the questions you ask about his or her spiritual life tithing personal time so so thought provoking I know what to ask thank you
Why I stayed...In sure other reasons will continue to surface as time goes on, but these for sure: -I didn't want a second divorce (my first husband was physically abusive and heavily addicted to porn and was already getting into his now addictive struggles with substances) -I didn't want to have to turn to my parents as a grown woman for a place to stay bc my credit was train-wrecked by my second husband -I had unbiblical "wise counsel" from mult people in mult churches and counseling settings with all of the famous steaming piles of yuck that women get fed and I didn't want to risk divorcing and causing myself to be called some kind of "stamped sinner for life" because of it -I hadn't found any of the support groups that I did at one point (thank God for women like Sarah, Naghmeh and Melody, and Helena especially) until later -I actually had a friend whose husband was a serial cheater and addict (like mine was only mine also had/has NPD) and we kept encouraging each other to stay (she is now over a year separated and seeking divorce and I am divorced) -I was told by my (now former) best friend and someone like a sister to me for 18 years via her very controlling husband the old "you make your bed, you lie in it" and felt guilty for having "chosen someone I knew was like this" even though I had been love bombed (oh the terms and parts of the brain I now know about!) -I didn't want to return to the stigma of "single (unwed) mom" in the church bc it's very real/I didn't want to loose my new church "status" as "married with a family"; the Church's top rank of "most godly people in the house" -I didn't want to admit to myself that I had, even *unknowingly* , made a bad decision in marrying my ex (I didn't want to feel stupid, which later I did before really understanding psychological abuse) -I didn't want having re-homed my two beloved cats (my "furst baby girls") to family for two years and what I allowed my oldest son to go through to mean nothing...to not amount to somehow forcing the situation to be made right (including my fourth and final time leaving the marriage and separation was 4 years and another 2 almost with him continuing to rent a space less than a minute from us) -My (now late) youngest brother-who I was closest to-shamed me and blamed me after my, then spouse, was able to get him alone "to talk" and turned him against me-things were never repaired between us up till his death and I still truly hate my ex for what he stole from us (God is continuing to work with me as I learn to forgive all of the "players") -I didn't listen to the couple of voices telling me to get away from him, that he will not change and I regret a lost friendship on my part from that -At times he would return to love bombing, false repentance, crocodile tears, and I felt like if I didn't consider waiting and seeing if "this time as the time that will stick" (as far as him changing) that I would be guilty of unbiblical divorce in the sight of God (nevermind the adultery and abuse types, much less the drug pipes I found in our apt three sep times and him going missing for hours or nights) -I didn't turn him into the police for the drugs when I could have bc someone told me that I would be charged as well bc there would be no way to prove that I wasn't doing drugs also (never did) and that maybe I was just mad at my husband and trying to set him up (I still don't know if that was true but it scared me enough not to turn him in) -We worked together for the first year of marriage and I knew everyone there would be saying "I told you so" even though no one warned me to begin with and I couldn't take the thought of that much humiliation (on top of my then husband humiliating me in front of the staff there daily and sexually caressing loose servers in front of me behind walls so customers didn't see) -I wanted to win. I wanted to be the woman he finally chose out of all of the ones he held before me on his phone, on his sm, at dances (I hate those places but I went to reduce the chances of him cheating-so disgusted to say that), walking or in the car as we'd pass by and he would detail his desires for each one to me out loud (yes I can hear myself now but then I was desperate to be chosen-I had no good grasp on having ALREADY been chosen by Jesus) -I stayed early on bc I had NO idea what was happening between the person who had swept me off my feet and the person who showed up two months after we wed, for a long time! (I'm actually listening to this to get more insight into my previous choosing to understand my past or present self more. I have zero desire to try again. Isaiah 54:5.)
My wife ticks so many boxes you've described here... To the point I've got goosebumps by watching this video. How I could miss sooooo many red flags (or blankets as you say)... I'm not sorry for myself, I'm sorry for our kids as she already started using them against me after (to be honest before too) I've filed for divorce.
Same. Even up to letting her tell him when to sleep with me (gag but true).. That is when he wasn't "scared" of "how fat" I was when I was pregnant. He made me feel, before marriage, that he just was a great son-he paid for a house to be built for his mother but wouldn't "help me with the rent" on our apt over $350 "contribution" a month.
Another, I thought I needed to show him that I wouldn't leave him bc he was undocumented and that I could prove to him that I was a safe person to open up to bc of his past pains he constantly relived (that I now don't even know if they were real or made up bc he doesn't live in reality a lot of the time).
I've spoken with counselors for battered women and was told it's not uncommon for women to stay in toxic situations for a longgg time. Generally up to the 7th incident. Physical abuse mainly. In other words, After the seventh attack, she will probably leave or separate.
if he's in a custody battle, and you really connect, is the best thing to do to wait until the kids are old enough to choose for themselves which parent is less toxic? Or just until the last one comes of age?
Stayed because I want to keep my home, for the back up income… he does a few chores, and we live in a high traffic area. 😅 I love my few church friends and Son who checks in on us. I’m handicapped- slow and in spite of his NPD, he doesn’t know God… the crumbs on my plate are or may be better than an empty plate.
Remarriage? I am still waiting on first one . But doesn’t the Bible give some things that caution remarriage after divorce? These questions eliminate all the man I’ve met and these seems hopeless and quite frankly at 45 yrs. old with prayer it’s probably shattered dreams
Believe me your better off not finding one then marrying the wrong one..its so much worse then being alone. I'm happy being alone NOW after spending 12 years with the wrong one
I stayed with my abusive spouse because he used my children and his undocumented immigration status to manipulate my desire to give them a father. I stayed because I didn’t love myself enough to get help because he didn’t hit me - that is what he told me and that because he didn’t hit me and no one else would tolerate how ambitious I was and strong. I didn’t get a divorce because I gave my word to see him through the process. He ended up having an affair with a blonde nurse who can take care of him now that he finally has a full time job after 18 years and they are both losers. No relationship with God either one, I wish I would have known better at 19. Don’t marry outside of the faith it’s the worst. God I wish I could talk about it. Save yourself from these losers.
Why I stayed with an abuser... -My parents have been married for 68 years. They're in their 80's now. There's something to be said for the stability and longevity of that relationship though far from perfect. I don't have a full understanding of the dynamic of my family of origin and still have many questions. There was emotional abuse. -I attended a denominational church throughout childhood and I held the belief that marriage is permanent, "for better or worse." -My husband's behavior was deceptive and insidious. I had never heard of narcissism and had no idea the level of cruelty involved. It was unthinkable. -I made excuses for him: his childhood trauma, stress, etc. -I believed prayer and unconditional love would change him and the situation. -I was working part time and not financially prepared to live independently. -I was only able to hire a divorce attorney with the help of my family. 😟 (at almost 60 years of age) If not for them, I would have been forced to walk away with no settlement. -I knew there were issues but didn't believe he was cheating (UHgain and probably throughout the marriage). -I was in a very vulnerable state after our first divorce and was befriended by a lady who was "standing" for her marriage. She introduced me to a Christian marriage website where they encourage praying and standing for marriage restoration. The problem with that in hindsight is in not determining who and what you're dealing with? Are they abusers? What is the definition of abuse and the appropriate way to protect oneself. I married him twice.
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I think it would be helpful to do more than just ask if they are a Christian. My husband said he was a Christian and I saw him reading the Bible, but zero growth. It seems as if the good Christian man was just a role he played around other Christians. Put him around other guys cheating on their wives and cursing and he does that too. Separate lives.
You have to make sure the person is not only a Christian, but a godly and growing Christian. I have a chapter in I Didn’t Want a Divorce, Now What? on the type of person you want to date.
@@sade_8637 honestly either way you call it, he would lie and just say Yes
@@sade_8637 I don’t think the term matters. In my case he would lie regardless
I wish I had access to your teaching before I married my loser I am in the divorce process so glad God gave me the strength to let him go!!
I feel like it will be a miracle to find a good, healthy Christian man.
I dated a man who had a lot of these qualities. I wish I had found you sooner as I could have save years.
I stayed with my abusive spouse...once a woman has given her body to a man, there is a love connection that is hard to break
Trauma bond and soul tie
I am SO thankful to have found you. I cannot under any circumstances meet or marry another covert narcissists.
Refreshing to hear a good person finally
"Look behind you" and then run 😂
I stayed with my abuser because I was getting older and fell for his manipulating love bombing. I didn’t want to be alone. His looks and body fooled me. His words though fake made me feel loved.
I wish I had this advice before I got married. My husband was so attached to his ex wife and she use to make sure she said something negative about me to him and he never defended me. It was so crazy.
Questions 1 and 2 LITERALLY just saved me years in dating!!!!
I love that you said spiritual bond that makes so much sense I also like the questions you ask about his or her spiritual life tithing personal time so so thought provoking I know what to ask thank you
I stayed because I was codependent and afraid I couldn’t survive financially on my own
The guys that lied the most were in the church when i dated.
Thanks for the topic.
Thanks for the video, I Will keep this in mind for when I'm ready to start dating again.
Can you do a segment on disorganized attachments disorder
what happens to a person that grew up in a family were the mother had that disorder
Why I stayed...In sure other reasons will continue to surface as time goes on, but these for sure:
-I didn't want a second divorce (my first husband was physically abusive and heavily addicted to porn and was already getting into his now addictive struggles with substances)
-I didn't want to have to turn to my parents as a grown woman for a place to stay bc my credit was train-wrecked by my second husband
-I had unbiblical "wise counsel" from mult people in mult churches and counseling settings with all of the famous steaming piles of yuck that women get fed and I didn't want to risk divorcing and causing myself to be called some kind of "stamped sinner for life" because of it
-I hadn't found any of the support groups that I did at one point (thank God for women like Sarah, Naghmeh and Melody, and Helena especially) until later
-I actually had a friend whose husband was a serial cheater and addict (like mine was only mine also had/has NPD) and we kept encouraging each other to stay (she is now over a year separated and seeking divorce and I am divorced)
-I was told by my (now former) best friend and someone like a sister to me for 18 years via her very controlling husband the old "you make your bed, you lie in it" and felt guilty for having "chosen someone I knew was like this" even though I had been love bombed (oh the terms and parts of the brain I now know about!)
-I didn't want to return to the stigma of "single (unwed) mom" in the church bc it's very real/I didn't want to loose my new church "status" as "married with a family"; the Church's top rank of "most godly people in the house"
-I didn't want to admit to myself that I had, even *unknowingly* , made a bad decision in marrying my ex (I didn't want to feel stupid, which later I did before really understanding psychological abuse)
-I didn't want having re-homed my two beloved cats (my "furst baby girls") to family for two years and what I allowed my oldest son to go through to mean nothing...to not amount to somehow forcing the situation to be made right (including my fourth and final time leaving the marriage and separation was 4 years and another 2 almost with him continuing to rent a space less than a minute from us)
-My (now late) youngest brother-who I was closest to-shamed me and blamed me after my, then spouse, was able to get him alone "to talk" and turned him against me-things were never repaired between us up till his death and I still truly hate my ex for what he stole from us (God is continuing to work with me as I learn to forgive all of the "players")
-I didn't listen to the couple of voices telling me to get away from him, that he will not change and I regret a lost friendship on my part from that
-At times he would return to love bombing, false repentance, crocodile tears, and I felt like if I didn't consider waiting and seeing if "this time as the time that will stick" (as far as him changing) that I would be guilty of unbiblical divorce in the sight of God (nevermind the adultery and abuse types, much less the drug pipes I found in our apt three sep times and him going missing for hours or nights)
-I didn't turn him into the police for the drugs when I could have bc someone told me that I would be charged as well bc there would be no way to prove that I wasn't doing drugs also (never did) and that maybe I was just mad at my husband and trying to set him up (I still don't know if that was true but it scared me enough not to turn him in)
-We worked together for the first year of marriage and I knew everyone there would be saying "I told you so" even though no one warned me to begin with and I couldn't take the thought of that much humiliation (on top of my then husband humiliating me in front of the staff there daily and sexually caressing loose servers in front of me behind walls so customers didn't see)
-I wanted to win. I wanted to be the woman he finally chose out of all of the ones he held before me on his phone, on his sm, at dances (I hate those places but I went to reduce the chances of him cheating-so disgusted to say that), walking or in the car as we'd pass by and he would detail his desires for each one to me out loud (yes I can hear myself now but then I was desperate to be chosen-I had no good grasp on having ALREADY been chosen by Jesus)
-I stayed early on bc I had NO idea what was happening between the person who had swept me off my feet and the person who showed up two months after we wed, for a long time!
(I'm actually listening to this to get more insight into my previous choosing to understand my past or present self more. I have zero desire to try again. Isaiah 54:5.)
What you see is what you get, won't make that mistake again!
My wife ticks so many boxes you've described here... To the point I've got goosebumps by watching this video. How I could miss sooooo many red flags (or blankets as you say)... I'm not sorry for myself, I'm sorry for our kids as she already started using them against me after (to be honest before too) I've filed for divorce.
Mr. Mama's Boy was my ex!
Same. Even up to letting her tell him when to sleep with me (gag but true).. That is when he wasn't "scared" of "how fat" I was when I was pregnant. He made me feel, before marriage, that he just was a great son-he paid for a house to be built for his mother but wouldn't "help me with the rent" on our apt over $350 "contribution" a month.
True; my ex-husband wasn't a Christian, and the marriage failed within the first five years.
Love this, but one caveat to the Christian potential love interest. All those things mentioned could easily be agreed to by a narcissist.
Love these videos.. thank you for all the biblical info & advice!
True
Yes I was always walking on eggshells. Ofcourse he loved that. So sick but I'm happily divorced now
im more than that
Another, I thought I needed to show him that I wouldn't leave him bc he was undocumented and that I could prove to him that I was a safe person to open up to bc of his past pains he constantly relived (that I now don't even know if they were real or made up bc he doesn't live in reality a lot of the time).
I've spoken with counselors for battered women and was told it's not uncommon for women to stay in toxic situations for a longgg time. Generally up to the 7th incident. Physical abuse mainly. In other words, After the seventh attack, she will probably leave or separate.
Haha mine was also Mr. Active Addiction..I was such a hot mess when I met him. So unhealthy..very codependent
And that is my Ex! MR. Cant Keep a Job And he's 40
if he's in a custody battle, and you really connect, is the best thing to do to wait until the kids are old enough to choose for themselves which parent is less toxic? Or just until the last one comes of age?
Yep I had to wait until I was divorced before I would even consider dating
Stayed because I want to keep my home, for the back up income… he does a few chores, and we live in a high traffic area. 😅 I love my few church friends and Son who checks in on us. I’m handicapped- slow and in spite of his NPD, he doesn’t know God… the crumbs on my plate are or may be better than an empty plate.
Remarriage? I am still waiting on first one . But doesn’t the Bible give some things that caution remarriage after divorce? These questions eliminate all the man I’ve met and these seems hopeless and quite frankly at 45 yrs. old with prayer it’s probably shattered dreams
Believe me your better off not finding one then marrying the wrong one..its so much worse then being alone. I'm happy being alone NOW after spending 12 years with the wrong one
Fear , money and God
How to spot a loser watch dr Clarke.
I stayed with my abusive spouse because he used my children and his undocumented immigration status to manipulate my desire to give them a father. I stayed because I didn’t love myself enough to get help because he didn’t hit me - that is what he told me and that because he didn’t hit me and no one else would tolerate how ambitious I was and strong. I didn’t get a divorce because I gave my word to see him through the process. He ended up having an affair with a blonde nurse who can take care of him now that he finally has a full time job after 18 years and they are both losers. No relationship with God either one, I wish I would have known better at 19. Don’t marry outside of the faith it’s the worst. God I wish I could talk about it. Save yourself from these losers.
Why I stayed with an abuser...
-My parents have been married for 68 years. They're in their 80's now. There's something to be said for the stability and longevity of that relationship though far from perfect. I don't have a full understanding of the dynamic of my family of origin and still have many questions. There was emotional abuse.
-I attended a denominational church throughout childhood and I held the belief that marriage is permanent, "for better or worse."
-My husband's behavior was deceptive and insidious. I had never heard of narcissism and had no idea the level of cruelty involved. It was unthinkable.
-I made excuses for him: his childhood trauma, stress, etc.
-I believed prayer and unconditional love would change him and the situation.
-I was working part time and not financially prepared to live independently.
-I was only able to hire a divorce attorney with the help of my family. 😟 (at almost 60 years of age) If not for them, I would have been forced to walk away with no settlement.
-I knew there were issues but didn't believe he was cheating (UHgain and probably throughout the marriage).
-I was in a very vulnerable state after our first divorce and was befriended by a lady who was "standing" for her marriage. She introduced me to a Christian marriage website where they encourage praying and standing for marriage restoration. The problem with that in hindsight is in not determining who and what you're dealing with? Are they abusers? What is the definition of abuse and the appropriate way to protect oneself. I married him twice.
Hi doctor Clarke. Just a suggestion, Would you display your email address on the video, please? Thanks
Thank you for the feedback. I will start doing that.