How To Grieve Someone Who Is Still Alive
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 ม.ค. 2025
- Grief doesn't alway involve loss because of death. It's a natural response to any significant loss in life. In fact, grieving the living can be even more challenging than mourning the dead.
Breakups, estranged family members, and ended friendships can leave us devastated. These losses often lack closure and breed guilt, making the healing process complex and drawn out.
In this video, I share my personal experience with grief and offer practical steps to cope. You'll learn how to process your emotions and reclaim your life after losing someone who's still alive.
📩 Get Practical tools for navigating life with depression and anxiety, delivered weekly. bit.ly/SelfHop...
The only app that helps you get all the benefits of meditation without all the hassle. bit.ly/DrScott... (Partner I believe in)
💤 Reduce the anxiety associated with falling asleep in just 15 minutes a night.
bit.ly/DrScott... (Partner I believe in)
📖 My book: For When Everything is Burning
bit.ly/forwhen...
📱Mood Bloom games for depression and anxiety (partner link):
bit.ly/DrScott...
🤝 Join this channel to get access to perks:
/ @drscotteilers
♥︎ Therapy with me (Iowa residents only)
www.northstarps...
♥︎ Work with me (Non-Iowa residents)
www.drscotteile...
Disclaimer: This content is not intended to be a replacement for receiving treatment. It is purely educational in nature. My relationship with you is that of presenter and audience, not therapist and client.
But I do care.
This is the kind of pain that can potentially make some folks just end it ultimately.
this comment hit unfathomably hard.
End what, please?
@@mrsmacca126suicide is what is implied, I believe
Life
@@teamworkmkI feel that ❤
My mother has Alzheimer’s and isn’t the same anymore, she’s still with us, but then again she’s not. It is incredibly painful, I miss her so much!
Completely understand. It’s an even different kind of grief than this. With the grief he speaks of the person is at least physically gone from your life but not dead.
This is a prolonged grief. I will tell you, at least for me, it did help with the grieving when my mom physically died. I had already been grieving for 8 years. It was in a way the end of my grieving. Much love to you and your family. You aren’t alone ❤️
I’ve been through something similar because my Dad passed away from Alzheimers. Please get some support as you go through this. There are many support groups where you can get help and information through the Alzheimer’s association.
I live in a similar situation: My mother is over 70 years old and suffers from bipolar disorder with a very dominant depressive episode, anxiety disorder and psychoses, together with alcohol and nicotine addiction which always escalates due to illness. She lives in a psychiatric nursing home now after the doctors tried everything they could, no improvement in sight. I had to terminate contact to her because it became dangerous for my own mental health. In her desperation due to illness she called me almost everyday, told me that she's gonna be dead soon, that she's nothing but dirt now, that everything would be over very soon, that she needs alcohol and cigarettes, begged me that I must get her out of the psychiatric hospital etc... It was hell. After months of this I had to block her number and I haven't heard or seen her since April this year. This whole thing took a considerable toll on my psyche and I couldn't keep it up any longer. In the meantime the mother she once was has slowly died for me. Now the person she once was is gone for me and I can hardly hope anymore that my old mother will return.
Yes, it's very hard and not desirable at all but we can manage. I wish you everything you can use for getting through this.
I think that’s called anticipatory grief
same...
My husband of 10 years came out as transgender. It was sudden and ended our marriage/relationship. I grieve the loss of my husband, and the man I thought I knew. The part that makes it even more painful is that he/she is still alive, but us very much gone. It just messes with my head.
My ex left me after 11 years together. She was everything to me. She ghosted me overnight, blocked me everywhere and I never heard from her again. No closure, no explanation. Nothing. November 3d will be one year since it happened. This time of year is so hard for me now.
I feel you.
Hope you will heal and move on a better path.
I feel sorry for you. I have been going through the same, getting ghosted and then later blocked.
Sorry u go thru this….
I know what it feels like..
Divorce - when he leaves the life you shared for over two decades to go off and start a new one with someone else. No one realizes that for you it's even worse than if they died. Widows get support and sympathy. Divorced women are not only ignored, they often learn that friends still see him, but not you. You also lose the extended family of his relatives. To make matters worse, my children went off to live with him every two weeks. They also went to his destination wedding, and other vacations and holidays. He's only dead to you, but still in everyone else's life. What hurts me the most is the breakup of the family.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can relate to your pain. My sisters who were the most important people in my life broke off all contact with me without telling me why. They became very close and share holidays etc. 2 years later and it still hurts every day more than if they had died.
Widows, like myself, get NOTHING.
So sorry to hear that. When all else, and everyone else, fails.. concentrate on yourself.
I am grieving a friend that had a mild stroke 10 months ago. She is doing physically well, getting back to work . The things that have changed is her personality has changed. She use to be thoughtful , warm ,compassionate and approachable. Now she is cold,snarky, talks down and a know it all and stupid you are to be you. I understand this is the stroke, but it’s still a loss.
@cinza6670 the words that she is saying may be how she feels about herself.
@@cinza6670 Thats really sad. Sorry to hear that. Hopefully she will come back to herself in time.
Strokes can change personalities but they can also cause immense depression and anxiety which can trigger those behaviors due to their underlying fear and sadness.
Yea it’s a big loss and I’m sorry you’re going through that
I went through the same thing with my dad. I understand how painful it is
I was forced to divorce my whole family. All 5 of them including my twin, due to narcissistic abuse. I did it in stages of not seeing them, then not ringing them, then not picking up the phone when they rang me to criticise me for not being at their beck and call, like a slave.
I've been no contact for a year. I have no photos of them and minimise the triggers.
It's very painful, there's lots of guilt and shame but it gets easier as time goes on.
It's heartbreaking having no family whatsoever and because they re-traumatised me again and again, I will be happy if I never see any of them again.
I still carry the trauma of their abuse with mental illness. But I'm safer without them and it's best for me to live alone.
So proud of you!!!❤
I just want to say I deeply empathize with the pain of having to go no contact and facing life without family. I have longer stretches of good days now, have some good friends, but the holidays and such are hard. I hope each day brings you closer to comfort that is found in the peace. It took a long time - is taking a long time - to find emotional comfort in the peace I know intellectually is objectively better. Sometimes being better doesn't mean _feeling_ better. I hope you find your days of heart and mind aligning with peace and freedom soon.
I'm in the same process. You are not alone!
@@jillpelletier9062Family can be the worst offenders of all.
Five years no contact and hurting. Telling people I'm in no contact makes me look like a villain but I don't want to be around lying nor I want to be hiding my past or maybe I should say they are dead (in my heart and mind but still will be a lie since I'm still grieving).
I am grieving the loss of my son who is 28, his Dad left me after 33 years. He took his side even though he caught him cheating. The manipulation is awful. My family ostracized me after it has been so painful. I am so vulnerable, I was completely dependent on my ex our whole marriage. Mourning so much currently.
I totally understand. ❤
So sorry Maria
Hope you feel better ❤❤❤
Try Leslie vernick, she helped me
@mariasteward6778
Also keep in mind he sided with him as he has fear of losing the more one who has to have validation.
He did that to you as he knew you could handle it at the end of the day….
He knew you were the stronger one…
I have searched and scoured the Internet and TH-cam for ANY mention of this type of grief in hopes of feeling less alone. I came up empty, until now. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for validating the grief I’ve been carrying in waves for years. I relate to your story about your best friend and the end of that friendship, I’m so sorry you had to experience that kind of pain. Keep speaking your truth, you’re helping us! ❤
Glad to have helped ❤️
I struggled with the same. Look up "disenfranchised grief", that helped me a bit.
So true. I feel the same. I've found no other TH-cam channel that covers topics which seem to be made just for me - but apparently aren't :-)
I'm reading your book "For When Everything is Burning" and it feels like it was written especially for me. The poem "Longing" is exactly how I feel. I'm going through one of the hardest times in my life and your book, your personality, and how you connect has given me a small place of safety and warmth. Thank you so much. I needed you and I needed to hear what you say.
I moved far away from my abusive family to a different geography and climate. It helped.
How did you afford it?
I did too😅😊
So did I, but I thought I was still part of the family for many years, but I still wanted their attention, even though they never wanted to give it.
@itsROMPERS... I did that somewhat. I didn't break off 100 % but I thought i could still visit , mostly my grandmother. My parents were even more abusive.
@Gfy69ytb I sold the house and everything in it. Just took my dog and my car. Rented and got a job. That was 40 years ago so easier then. Rents are much higher and unskilled jobs don't pay much.
Ambiguous grief. Estranged parent here. The grief is devastating, but I'm working through it! ❤
Same. I now work with adolescents and behavioral health. I wish I knew then what I know today about ODD, etc. I suppose if I help one teen and their family, I will have made a meaningful difference.
No contact with family members is a life long grief when it can not be restored. And when they die .. the grief all of a sudden fits the situation. Nobody understands that but living grief is loss deep as death.. 💔
My daughters... gone.
Some people might not relate to this, but please bear with me. I had four major bereavements in 3 years and the last one almost killed me. I had to move away from the area that had been my home for 25 years because of all the visual triggers there. I moved to the town that I'm currently living in and am fortunate enough to have a balcony. I was crying nearly every day living here for the first 3 weeks as I couldn't relate to the area and it didn't feel like home. After 3 weeks two seagulls came and perched on the balcony and the bond between us to cut a very long story short was intense and absolutely beautiful. They were with me for 6 months and I fed them fish and meat every single day and got to know their body language and they made direct eye contact and if I hadn't fed them on time they would call me from the balcony. I loved watching them splash about in their water bath, and I called them Jonathan and Josalee. We're not allowed to have pets here, so it felt like I had pets and it felt in some ways as though God had sent me these beautiful Birds to keep me company, and they really did. They made the whole of summer so incredibly special, and I have so many videos and photos of them. Now, I had absolutely no idea that this particular type of seagull flies to Africa at the beginning of October. And so one day suddenly and without warning, they were gone. These last 2 weeks, I have felt a void that I can't even explain. I know they will come back in April, but I just can hardly cope with the absence of my dear feathered friends. It has reopened the wounds of my old bereavements and triggered me deeply and I'm finding life hard to cope with again. I feel as though grief is a sickness or an illness in and of itself, and I desperately need help help. Funnily enough the Only therapist I would ever t😢rust is the very man who runs this channel. I'm considering reaching out to Dr Scott as I feel like I'm at the end of my tether❤😢
I get you. Birds are my solace too. They really help me cope. Over time I’ve learnt their habits and seasons, etc. Good luck to you ❤
@@KM-wv2og can you have bird pets
@@KM-wv2og maybe Dr. Scott does video therapy?
I used to have an albino parakeet after my sister died, he was a life saver
@@kathleenhowe8134he said he wasn't allowed pets.
Grief is strange. My brother was murdered in 1994. One of my dearest friend recently died, after 15 years of Alzheimer's. Somehow the two griefs are blended and very fresh.
I'm so very sorry for your losses ❤
Wow I get that, 💯 As a child I lost 2 teenage brothers. It was many years ago & I learned to live with it.. Recently my best friend committed suicide. As I've been grieving for her, all the feelings from long ago have come back like a tidal wave & somehow muddled up. 💔
@@MissJensk1that’s a lot. Peace to you.
❤💔 I get it.
Even tho I wasnt particularly feeling the need to have children, when I reached a certain age, I took the opportunity during a spiritual retreat to create a little ceremony to grieve the children I never had. It felt meaningful and helped establish the facts of the situation. Once I was able to let go, an entire world opened up..and I moved on to more than I ever knew was possible. 😊
Wow I love that! Thank you for sharing that ❤️
I was too mentally ill to have children and I knew it. Sometimes I think it is sad, but I never would have been able to handle it and I'm better off this way. And no children have been damaged by me.
I had a similar experience I had to grieve 😢 the loss of my uterus I will never 👎 have children
@@jillwonders9562smart choice. I am struggling with mental health pretty badly right now while being solely responsible for my son’s life. I have absolutely nobody to lean on when I feel the worst. But I have to be there for my kid and it’s so sooo hard.
People said they did this for me when I was addicted to drugs and alcohol. I'm a year sober now and getting back in people's lives.
RIGHT ON🎉
this actually made me so happy i hope everything works out for you.
I know getting sober is hard work. I am proud of you man. May you be blessed in every way
This advice is very good. My husband and i are grieving our only daughter, whom we haven't seen or spoken to for almost 3 years. I am triggrred by anything on TV to do with family or mother-daughter relationships. I am doing better as time goes on, but part of me will always be "the puppy in the cage," as you explained. A mother will never give up hope on their child even if her heart is broken. That's just the way it is, and i have to deal with it.
At some point, even mothers have to face the fact that their child is gone. I’m right there with you.
I feel you Wilma. Same situation for only a year with our daughter. 💔💔💔
My mother has always lived with me and I'm grieving for her because she has Dementia and doesn't resemble the person she was in any way now. I can't treat her like she s dead because I have to care for her 24/7
She breaks my heart everyday when she doesn't recognise me and asks to go home It's like a living hell for both of us especially as I have no other family left. I grieve everyday.
😢 I feel ya. Please know there are so so many people who actually understand how many components are involved in the situation that you are in. Do your best and remember God gives us only what we are able to carry. You will come out on the otherside with more understanding as to why it had to be this way. Could take some time and we are all doing time in one way or another. ❤
@@Cathy-w4lmy husband told me that verse..God giving us only what we’re able to manage …is about money.
We truly can’t manage so many burdens, we know we have eternal hope ..but hope for this life here and now is often gone during such mental disability from grief etc
A narcissist will leave you so fast like you never existed. You have to be strong minded enough to put up with the pain of their absence and complete disrespect. You have to be ready for anything, even severe loneliness.
Understand that some people are mentally ill
I appreciate the way you say "died" instead of "passed away".
My best friend of 20 years ghosted me last year. It’s like she died and I went to her funeral, but she wasn’t there, she’s “dead”, but off still living her life in the same town while I grieve her “death.” I’m looking forward to watching this.
Edit to add: I made this comment before the video was posted. Now having watched the video I agree with what Scott is saying. It took me an entire year before I realized that in order for me to move on and deal with the loss, I needed to block her on all social media, and also block her phone number from my phone. It was so hard to do, and it took me an entire year to get to this point, but I actually feel better now than I had in the beginning because in my mind, I told myself that we will no longer be able to have a true relationship the way we had for 20 years even if she were to contact me. I am actually now accepting the fact that she is gone. My biggest fear now is bumping into her at the supermarket like she has risen from the dead. I’m sorry for those who are going through a similar situation, bc this shit’s hard. 💔
I understan😔d your pain.
That's really unkind, to not have the courage to explain to you.
@@PaulaW-wq1khWould that make you feel better. Nothing is nice to end a friendship.
@@pam164a calm, mature goodbye would be nice. Or an angry fight to just get it out of the system lol. At least there would be a definitive feedback to how to improve for future relationships, even if it wasn’t the ghosted friend’s fault. However, it truly is beyond our control to how people behave so it is just best to treat this as a funeral within our minds regardless of ghosting, amicable split or fight. I am glad Dr. Scott is talking about this, and especially to bring up friendships as honestly, romantic/sexual breakups hurt but those are more “legit” to society than friendship breakups just because those don’t have the mentioned factors in there.
@@YawaraHayashi I tried that with my friend, explained what hurt me and tried to find out her motivations but it turned out that she's a narcissist and therefore doesn't understand the value of honesty or anyone else's feelings.
In deep grief, 9 months in and still have a very broken heart, complete trauma, trying so hard to work on myself but after 18 years of all in love, man it’s so hard, my wife/ best friend/ soul connection chosen to leave me behind, it’s just horrendous.
Hugs! ❤
If i may ask.. why she left? I absolutely can relate to this.
Wanted to live in a van in a field closer to nature and out of the system. Just for the kudos.
@@PinballwzdI'm so sorry for your loss but how could you not have noticed all those years that she was a mess inside.??
@@gailmorgan2556 she was a therapist and very good at deflecting and gaslighting, she had started to act a bit different and was perimenopausal, so I had out it down to that. My bad.
On October 6th, I was dumped by a guy I'd been dating for almost 8 years. He said he needed another person. On the first day, I felt anger. But then it passed, and I was left with only sadness and pain. I cry a lot, drink a lot and don't see any point in life. Practically the only person I care about has left me.
Thanks for your video. Just in time.
Thank you for talking about how to grieve for someone still alive. I have been struggling to deal with this for 6 years now.
I was dating someone that appeared to be a nice guy and when his true colors came out as a narcissist and we broke up, I grieved the person I thought he was.
Yes, that's happened to me twice. You realise you never really knew the person, only the cover version of them.
You're not alone.
So many fake people- true colors always end up coming out-- after you've fallen for the person you thought e was 😢
I overcame it thinking that he copied and pasted me, which was true, and thinking he was just a ghost who took my traits to fool me. It was an illusion.
I was married to one for 6 years but had never dreamed he was one, just thought it was other issues. Oh God, this is the worst. This is a grief that very few people can understand.
Your fault.
You painted a mental picture, made someone have to live up to it.
"The Perfect Guy"
Just listen to yourself.
Getting broken up with twice during the same movie the first two times you watch it is BRUTAL 😭 life can be such a prick sometimes
Omg I'm so sorry but it's so bizarre that I can't help but laugh, what is this cursed movie??
@@skromnyasha Must have been The Ring
My 1st date with my ex was one of my favorite movies of all time, so I get it! Why couldn't the movie have been Twilight...
I had this so bad that I sold my home and moved to a new town. Didn't end it but at least I wasn't going to run into them anymore. That was 17 years ago. I got rid of everything I could. I got rid of pictures, stopped watching anything we liked, stopped talking to anyone involved with these people. Still hurts but not nearly as bad.
I know the pain. Try guided emotional release tapping - EFT. It will make your nervous system feel normal again.
"You can't speed run grief." For me, this was the biggest and most profound realization about grief. It never goes away, it merely ebbs, flows, and evolves. Much like the phrase, "The work is never done" one's relationship with grief only deepens and if we allow that, it can be the start of an amazing transformation.
I have an interesting situation, I'm not no contact with either parent but neither of them acted like parents so I have to grieve the loss of having parents while keeping the ones who birthed me in my life because I don't feel like I can abandon them. If you're confused they're the same people.
I am going through this exact situation wiht my mom and brother...
Years and years trying to bring the family together, to a point I was exhasuted and got depressed for months.
I already live my life like they are dead, and it is so good to see this video and comments of people going through the same thing, we often think we are the only ones in a bad situation like that, but this is part of life unfortunately.
People come and go, and blood doesn´t mean anything.
Same here.
I'm still there
i only hac 1 real friend for 40 years , but in the end he kept putting me down for things i said 30 years ago when we were drinking in university . I let it go but in the end , it was just over . Great video , thanks . I still miss him but i had to face the reality that we were nothing more than drinking buddies ......
people will come and go like the seasons and the tides. you yourself will come and go too. family,friends....understand it's part of the human condition. be thankful for the good you had together. it time,with hindsight it makes sense....always. the thing that stings is not being allowed a gentle & mutual parting. ❤
Lack of closure can be debilitating, èsp. When you have been very close and had plans together
I can't do parting, neither gentle nor harsh. Because I didn't want that and I don't understand how am I supposed to exist afterwards. I think it pretty normal, I don't date people expecting them to leave, I don't make friends with expectations of abandonment. Why would I ever be okay with that happening?
@@skromnyashaI understand. I also understand that not everyone feels or thinks the same way. We all experience things differently and we all have different needs and only we know what those needs are. The saying, “If you love something let it go, if it comes back it was meant to be.” I think it comes down to us loving ourselves enough to be able to live the other person just as much in order to give them what they need, even if that means being without them. I hope this makes sense. ❤️
@@Saer-s9u Family should not come and go. They should always be there no matter what.
@@iammojojojo1646 on a perfect world 🥴🤗
I really needed this. My son is 20 years old and does not answer my texts, doesn’t call me.. I see him 1-2 times a year. I feel like I mostly have no son and sometimes I grieve when well meaning family members and friends ask about him. It’s like they are ripping open a painful wound when they bring him up….
That sounds like my daughter. She doesn't want to deal with her two brothers, who have emotional, and one has a TBI. She has five of my grandchildren and I miss them all. She lives only 8 minutes from me, and that makes it hard.
@supersmith1995 My son is almost 20 and does the same as your son. We used to be so close so, everyone I see knows this and will ask about him and I actually just moved because I couldn’t take it anymore. I keep wondering what I did to cause this and that’s wrong too. I understand how you feel and I know how hard it is.
Have same, people insensitive
I had a mother like that that did a lot of damage to our family, didn't talk to her for 5 years
I follow Dr. Scott BECAUSE he often speaks from experience. Plus, he often nails what’s bugging me, exactly. 👍🏼
Thank you! I was in an abusive marriage with a narssistic and sadistic husband and when I could bot take it anymore, I ended it and tried to move on with my life, my ex and his family could not take it that I moved on. So, they brainwashed my two girls and now we are in a parental alienation situation despite all my efforts to be see them and be in their life. Nobody understands that now I am in a process of mourning my children. Everybody either tries to give me hope or expects me to accept and move on. Finally, I feel validated with my feelings of mourning with all the guilt, sadness and anger. I will watch this video often, thanks again.
As someone who has lost their main pillar of life, my best friend of 15 years, I really needed to listen to this.
Ambiguous grief is one of the worst feelings to afflict us humans. Especially in such cases of losing a child then they are still walking the earth
I grieve my young children who are now young adults. They live in the same house with us still - but somehow I can't let go of the sweet little white-blonde haired boys I had for such a long amazing part of my life. I have an amazing relationship with my young men but never see them anymore. I can't help missing our life with them when they were little - it also represented a time when I was mentally healthier and stable too. That time is gone now and it's hard to accept sometimes.
I'm not an expert or claiming to be, but to me that sounds like you need to realize those little boys are mostly gone now. There are remnants of them in your now adult sons, but they're adults. They're completely new people. It is like you're mourning their death, because you'll never see those little boys again, but at the same time, you still have those boys! My approach to it would be to (metaphoically speaking) see the child versions of your sons as "dead", and embrace the people they have become as adults. Take away that association with your sons being actual babies, they're still your babies! Just not real babies... It takes a lot to do that, something you could try to practice to take that association away is to draw your attention to their more recent accomplisments, be it that they're paying their own insurance, they just bought their first car with their own money, they got a higher paying job, they're going to a nice college, something along those lines. Some kind of accomplishment that's inherently "adult" so to speak.
Whenever you're reminded of how they were when they were young, that's a sign your young boys are still there. They're your sons! They may grow, but some things about them will never change. Embrace that feeling, but remember, that is them in the present too! Since certain things remind you of them being young, use that as a way to realize that they're still young, just older.
Idk if that made sense 😅 I have the tendency to over-explain stuff or rather "scholarize" my explanations in a way, because I try to be as detailed as possible so that people understand what I'm saying... but ironically, that makes people not understand cause I'm using too many confusing words. Let me know if this helped or if I it moreso felt like I was babbling!
@@clumsy_zebra_97 Thank you for taking the time to write all that to me. Appreciate it! Yeah it's been a slow journey of letting my kids go and embracing them as men - and they are amazing young men! I just miss holding them in my arms etc - but now they tower over me at 6ft tall. It's a weird grief because you have them in your life and have a great relationship with them - but it also does feel like my young children died which breaks my heart too. Very stange!
i hate our society its only purpose is productivity and what we need and crave so deeply is connection and love we don't need to go to mars or make money we need to enjoy our time with each other
Those young men will have their own children one day and you will be an amazing grandmother. I think, looking forward to it is a more hopeful approach. My little one is 5 now. I know that I will miss her as a child as well. She is absolutely amazing. I will be proud of her as an adult but there won't be any cuddling in bed until she falls asleep. I will miss this too and I think it is OK to have those thoughts and feelings. I try to focus on the good and the potential grandkids :)
@@kris2455 That is such a nice thought. Thank you.
My son has treatment resistant schizophrenia. My ambiguous grief never ends. He might be breathing but he's not alive. 💔
yes he is, i am the same and the weakness is yrs not his, u cant adapt so he is dead to you? disgusting
You obviously don’t understand. We all have our own coping strategies and it’s unfair to judge another person.
I understand. Ambiguous grief is good description. One mom to another sending you love.
I am the child of a schizophrenic. I grieve the parent I never fully had. She’s alive and I love her, but I mourn her. We do have e a relationship and I am grateful for that, it’s not what I deserved or needed. I am the caregiver. I will always be estranged and needing her, and she’s right there. I understand. Schizophrenia is a nightmare for family. Your feelings are very valid ❤ just sending love.
@@DorchesterMom my Mother also had it. I raised her. My son has been sick for 15 years, he still lives at home and I am his caregiver. I will always love him but I despise Schizophrenia. It has taken my whole life. I am lucky that I have a long , happy marriage. Not sure I’d still be here if not for my husband. He has been my rock through it all.
When I was 30, I fell deeply in love with a man 13 years older than me. Our second year together, I got pregnant but miscarried. I found out later that he got another woman pregnant around the same time. She voluntarily ended her pregnancy. She was only 5 years younger than him. He broke up with me on my birthday and told me he was going to commit to her because she was older and he said he didn’t have to worry about her possibly leaving him someday. They were getting married. They are still together to this day.
I was devastated. For 22 years I was heartbroken. I never moved on. Never got married. Never had children. I don’t think of him every day anymore, but I never learned to grieve and move on. I hope nobody out there loses decades of their life pining for someone like I did.
Oh that’s so sad. 🙁I recently was ghosted by ‘someone’ I fell in love with. Obviously he decided he didn’t feel the same. Going on a year and never heard a word from him. I cry a lot but I hoped I could stop thinking of him! I hope I can soon because he’s never coming back to me….I’m sure. Your experience is so sad. I can’t believe you went that long, you must have really been in love!
Hey, I dont normally reply to comments but yours made me feel a level of sadness that's hard to describe. I'm truly sorry you had to go through that. No amount of wishing to change the past can do anything but my only hope is that at least now you're happier. It may have taken 22 years, but you got there eventually. Some people don't live to see the day they finally move on. I hope you still know that your life isn't over and you can still start again as nobody has the same timeline. Take care of yourself and please keep fighting.
@ thank you so much for your kind words. When I miscarried, he bought me a beautiful delicate gold ankle bracelet which he placed on my ankle as a remembrance of our baby. That ankle bracelet stayed on my ankle for 22 years. I could not bear to remove it. But the day finally came where I consciously made the decision to take it off. I keep it in a little box in my room. I will never forget him, but I am no longer emotionally anchored to him. I am happier. Thank you again for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. Stay well. 🙏🏻
After confronting her about lies she told me, my daughter shut me out of her life, took my grandson away from me, and went back
to her ex, who had attacked me, severely and permanently injuring me.
There's something really sick going on there.
The grief nearly killed me.
But now, I never want to see her again.
Good stay away, you don't deserve all of those
I am in the same position as you... 💔
@rosemariehansen8495 I am so sorry! I'm thankful you survived, too.
It's a pain that never goes away. It's a miracle we're still here.
At least we know we're not alone.
✌️❤️
Leaving people who are not good for me or distancing myself is so hard... also, thank you so much! This was so valuable information. My feelings feel acknowledged. I lost so much, started over, lost again until I am now just a pile of grief and fear and struggle to move on. Thankfully I have therapy but also I realize what an amazing person I am for having gone through all I did go through.
Hope is the worst!!! My biggest grief even more then my parents death when I was young, brother’s death, friendship ending,, none compare to the grief I felt when I found out my husband was having an affair (for a decade with 2 separate women). I found out 5 years ago when we were married 15 years and been together 20. The weird aspect is we stayed together. Maybe I’ve stayed for our kids and he’s grown up and matured but the marriage I thought I had is a major loss and I grieved and still grieve but he’s also a major trigger because he’s here and I can’t just ‘forget him’. So great advice on re-attributing. I also cannot keep being stuck in the wasteland of ‘if only’ ‘what if’. There’s a consequence and that is I no longer believe in him or our marriage like I used to. Can’t decide if that’s healthy or not. I love him as a person and father but if he walked in the door and said he was leaving I’d say okay. Grieving a marriage while still married is horrific. Stuck a lot in I should’ve just left. Thank you Scott! 🙏🏼
I consulted a couple family lawyers and I would not have won that battle. Additionally, how many people get that opportunity? I felt like it was an important experience I did not want to deny them. Two years was brutal but thinking they were coming back and then them not coming back… killed me. And he’s an attorney. I didn’t have anything to fight with. He held every single card. Thank you for reaching out.
This is the best advise I have been given since being estranged from my Son and only Grandchild. Thank You for this excellent advise.
Right there with you💙
It took close to ten years to be able to function again.
Dear Scott, So sorry for your loss. And I mean that. I learned this concept 15 years, here on the ‘internet’s’. They called it ‘ no contacts’. It was anathema to me. Eventually I began to use NC. In our culture death, grief , sadness, are not to be talked about. So we live with the confusion and mental illness. My hope is in this magic age of information and instant knowledge we can overcome some of these obstacles. Denise in Raleigh
Dr. Scott, this video came at an incredible time for me. I've lost someone very near and dear to me in a very ugly way, and their birthday is in October. For the past fifteen years, I've always felt especially awful in October. I thought I was just being weak and hung up. Thanks for the insight and practical advice.
I'm financially destitute and can't afford treatment for my mental health issues, and your videos have been my only respite for such a long time, and they're such a source of comfort. Thank you so much for what you do!
Yeah the biggest triggers for me is songs that brings me back to the grief from a break up that actually happened more than 30+ years ago & I never truly recovered from it but I began listening to these songs over & over & over again in a different setting that I enjoy which has slowly begun to fade the pain of the past & also reminding myself of the fact that even if this individual were to return to my life today I would never be comfortable with such a person who hurt me the way they hurt me & so why dwell on them because yeah like you said they are dead, the person who I knew or thought I knew is dead except in a shell of a body that looks like them & now I am finally attaining the peace of mind & I might add just in the nick of time sense I well into my 60’s & basically ain’t got much time left & I don’t want to waste my time & mind thinking about a dead man !!!
I broke up with a musician who played blues and I couldn't listen to any blues for longer than a decade but now it doesn't bother me and I still enjoy the music. I guess it was because he was obsessed with it and I identified it with him because I didn't have to mourn him much since I got sick of his silent treatment and I was the one who finally broke up with him. There was no communication and I was feeling like he put me in a box. No regrets.
This kind of grief is very similar to no contact to me. When someone for whatever reason "disappears" from your life, you have to make up your mind to go no contact with them which means blocking, deleting, totally erasing them and all reminders while allowing yourself to grieve. This perspective gives back the feeling that you're still in control of your life, your decisions and actions going forward. It helps to keep your dignity and maintain your self-esteem instead of feeling discarded, hence humiliated.
I need this right now. Grieving the loss of someone I thought I was a friend and who was a business partner. Their ability to just move on like I'm nothing makes it all the more awful (intellectually, yes, I know it's not a reflection of my inherent worth but it just plain doesn't _feel_ that way). Thank you for this much-needed advice.
I feel like the last 4 years have been riddled with grief. It leaves a lasting impact.
My son came out as being transgender 6 years ago. He has been going through transition ever since. I now have a beautiful daughter who is so much happier with herself and l’m happy for her but I miss my son.
When I lost my tech job my wife left almost immediately..
I lost my career, my home and my love all at once.
I never recovered..
I still love my wife. I know I'll never see her again but I'm stuck waiting.
My dad is suffering with stage 4 cancer and I feel like I’m grieving him already. I haven’t watched this video, so I don’t think it’s about that. I think it’s about someone you no longer have contact with. But I think it still applies.
Five years to get over the loss of a treasured friend who is still alive sounds right. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this, Scott.
My mom has dementia and has been in a nursing home for almost 3 years with dementia. She hasn’t known who I am for years. I have had a lot of physical, mental and emotional illnesses during this time. I can’t visit her every day. My beloved dog went through a horrible illness and I had to put him down last year. My husband has had heart problems and was recently hospitalized with sepsis. They discovered other serious issues while he was hospitalized. My sister stopped talking to me 10 months ago because I haven’t been able to visit my mom every single day in the Nursing Home. At least I think that’s why, because she’s never told me. All of this has been my worst nightmare. 😢
I have had two FWB situations in my lifetime and one recently. I experienced the grief you talk about, and they decided to move on, leaving me behind, and I soon realized that I had to do the same. I had the tough decision to still be friends and I did, but things were never the same after that point. There was major pain and grief, but it faded after a lot of time. Thanks for the video.
People enter our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime..all hurt 💔🥀
Thank you for your advice..
I’ve experienced the same. And yes it is harder because the person stil alive willing chose to leave you, the person dying didn’t. It’s a different kind of grieving. I’ve had a hard live and this is honestly the most difficult thing I’ve had to deal with.
This is such an odd watch for me. I guess I'm in the middle of grieving someone from 35 years ago. The incident that led them to icing me out kept popping into my head recently. I had blocked it out so well and never allowed myself to acknowledge any emotions that were related to this person. 'Feelings' were heavily discouraged in my family, and I became a master at not reacting with the odd pubescent exception. Thirty-five years later, this person could be dead for all I know. I've finally found a therapist who seems to know how to handle my brain without me reflexively pushing back. I feel like I'm getting better, but then this memory popped up out of nowhere. So, I've started this grieving process. But I'm not only grieving this one person, I'm grieving everything that came before and after. They're a catalyst for all the emotions I put aside for the majority of my life. So, I'm grieving them, but I'm growing from it, and it's such a thrill! It is the oddest sort of feeling, but every time I've finally taken the time to sit with a difficult emotion, I've come out better for it. Seeing this video makes me think I might be poking the bear a bit too much because I'm enjoying the benefits. I'm not sure what to do now... Sorry to anyone else going through the grief process.
You can let go of the hope of their return, but still forever grieve this loved one--just as in death,
I really appreciate this video, because I lost a friend of 10 years a couple of years ago. Unfortunately, I still see him occasionally since we work for the same company, which makes it so hard not to be triggered. I am trying, and I know that the friendship is over, but it is hard. I cannot change jobs at this point, but sometimes I think it is not fair for me to need to find a different job just to be happy. It is good to hear from you and the others that the grieving process takes time, and to have good advice how to handle it. Thank you for helping us.
ThankU Dr Scott Love "can't speed run grief"
A Buddhist friend (I'm not Buddhist) described a meditation wherein one contemplates one's own death. I adapted that for the grieving you are talking about.
I found closure/clarity are overrated. It was necessary to make peace with ambiguity/mystery. Glad I'm old
Thanks for this. I am going thru multiple types of grief ..both losing someone who passed....and forever losing my relationship with my sister. I was caregiver to both parents...my Mom just passed last year....my sisters blamed me for my Dad's death in 2019 (they were both uninvolved in caregiving)... things were done and said that have forever broken our relationship.. so I am not only grieving for my parents thru death.. I'm also grieving the relationship with my sister that can never be fixed. I agree that it helps to change your environment and eliminate reminders... I need to work on that more.
Still grieving the loss of a 42 year relationship. This was very helpful cuz I don't know if I'm grieving correctly, difficult because she's probably not grieving, cruel cold-hearted woman that she is
@@ralphcurrie3576 42 years! I’m so sorry. May I ask how old you are and how you’re coping now that a month has passed?
I had a female friend who I thought would be in my life for a long time. But, she made the decision to let me go permanently. I have NO idea if she's alive or not at this point. I saw her on the bus in 2020 when COVID-19 was at its highest. I still grieve not having her in my life. I was hurt by her several times in my life, emotionally. But, I still wish I knew what happened to her. My Therapist, Psychiatrist, Cousin & my best friend all told me to forget about her being in my life. She'll only hurt me again & I don't deserve that pain again. It still hurts. I miss her company so much. She was the only female friend I had who I could trust my deepest secrets to. Now, I have NO female friends at all & I feel lost without her. Whether it makes sense to me or not.
Great video, Dr. Scott. I've had loved ones die, and I've had loved ones leave (not dead). It's crazy how the grief for both circumstances were similar, but I think it's harder to get over the ones still alive. I love the idea about reclaiming things so there are positive memories attached. I'm actually going thru something right now where a loved one and I parted ways. I'm going to try this out. Thank you!
True..the ones still alive are more difficult
Very true.. I've had many family members die and the people that leave without closure are harder to get over.. At least the people that died loved you till the end and didn't betray you
5 years and you got over it? I think some of us never "get over it"--and nothing we are doing wrong. There is no resolution for many losses. I am thankful this worked for you.
I carry a grief box in my head/heart - for my birth family, for lost friendships, for difficult job losses. Though my birth family - one sister is still here but - she's dead.
Thank you for addressing this. I think this can be more difficult than losing a loved one to death. Most of those who have lost a child to the adoption process are very familiar with this problem and no counseling is offered to them that might help them to deal with it. I have learned that this is called 'ambiguous loss' but know of no support groups that help people with this.
I think what makes this harder is not having a clear connection with my inner feelings. When greif hits me it comes out of nowhere and leaves me confused about how strong these feelings are. It doesn't help that I have trouble sharing myself with others. A lot of your videos strike home in a scary kind of way. Maybe someday I'll be able to get therapy but for now your videos give me enough wisdom that I can scrape by seeming normal. Thank you Scott, for being authentic and earnest, these are virtues I have strong reverence for. In the end I think I need to greive for the loss of the person I could have been and let go of the masks I have dawned.
My daughter has gone no contact for two years. The guilt was my most difficult emotion to regulate. I was lucky,because she’s a big alcohol drinker I qualified to attend Al Anon meetings. [I’m not sure she’s actually an alcoholic.] My group helps me a lot, however, I need help with what actions would be best going forward. This is where you, Dr. Scott , come in. Your advice is to consider the person who is alive, but has cut you out of their life as dead in our mind. I watch your videos all the time. You have helped me tremendously. If she was dead I wouldn’t be sending her a birthday card or a text message. I would remove her from our Will, leaving her half to our grandsons ( her children ) and the half to our other daughter, who is still close to us. I’m going to do it all. I just realized I had previously responded to this video, which just goes to show how it helps to revisit advice until it sinks in !
I feel this Everytime I'm with any of my four adult kids especially when they mention their father who has remarried orbaround couples or people we were friends with together. It's agonizing. I finally stopped seeing and talking with those old friends. A choice I unfortunately had to make for my mental health.
Thank you, Dr. Eilers. I needed this. I've been in this situation for 13 years since my divorce was finalized. I've reached out to her and nothing. I have begun to think that she is gone from this earth just to help me with this horrible grief.
Thank you for this video.Trying to keep grief a secret is exhausting. This has been very helpful.
This really helped me and gives me some direction on how to deal with someone who ghosted me 2.5 years ago. We met at work, connected and shared a lot of banter. I know my mind got the worst of me and ended ruining our friendship as I was never “one of the guys” and here comes a manly man being friendly with me. As he was ex-Military, there was so much I wanted to learn from him and because he’s ex-Military it was very hard for me to see anything related to that, model vehicle he drove or even anything to with the city he lives in as the pain this guy caused me and the guilt i carry comes right back. It’s getting better though and comforting to know others have had similar experiences.
My late mother caused me more grief when she was alive than when she died. It's hard to treat your mother like she's dead, especially when there was codependency and enmeshment. When I moved away at 34 years old, I felt so free. But, she was still my mother until she died when I was 50. At 67, I'm still in the healing process and will probably be for the rest of my life. I believe my loyalty kept me from going "no contact." I always feel whenever you have a bad relationship with someone so close, you lose them twice.
Last line is so accurate
I'm also 67, and when my mom died like 10 years ago, it was one of the happiest days of my life.
Thank you so much for this. I have experienced this type of grief for a person for over a year and I've never received any help except for what I just said in ur video. I'm so grateful that u understand.
People are always changing, so really the person you are morning is dead because time and events have changed the person you once knew and loved to someone else!
My brother and sister wrote me off and we all still live in the same home town. Our mother was severe Narcissistic/borderline psycho path. She very well could have influenced them. I never did anything super weird to them nor lied or stole from them, nor did they explain WHY which left me with no closure. It's been close to 20 yrs and it took what seemed like forever for me to move on.
I've been alone with my autistic son and I'm blessed we have a good relationship.
I've heard from a cousin my sister has been asking about me, theres been too much water under the bridge and I doubt I could trust them again. In a way this is worse than a death as it feels like a haunting. Why send me a Christmas card when you don't speak to me all yr. long?
If I had money I'd think seriously of relocating. My early attempts to fix this were completely ignored by both of them , its just seemingly too late to heal this and the best thing I can do is keep my sanity for myself and my son
I am in the exact same position. My sister abandoned me on my 50th birthday and I am still having nightmares. I lost my whole family.
Thank you. This kind of grief is so little understood.
Mine was with a hiking partner. He was always by my side. I still find it hard to hike which was my life. Another person won't do. So this was a huge "chunk" of my life. still suffering after years. Thank you for the video, it was helpful as always❤
Thats what i felt.It was like my daughter and the kids were dead.The pain I was living everyday.The crying and isolating.I just couldnt see any light.
Agree. Ive SO much grief, ASIDE from 'ppl'. LOSING my Dad & Husband on same day is #1.. BUT,also
Things like:
My ability to walk& work-->
My job of 24 yrs, my work friends, school mom friends,my home of 24 yrs,(foreclosure), my car, our fur baby, my bank acct.. Even things we strive to 'lose' ( EX- a childs HS graduation IS amazing but,w/it comes ; loss of routine, their games,pta mtgs, 'summer' , etc..)
Had unrequited love for my best friend for a decade. Half of it i was unsure if it was unrequited, the other half i was sure. Almost lost him many times, but i didn't want to be without his friendship, neither he wanted to be without mine, but the feelings were deeply, deeply ingrained and the grief was hellish and made me think about ending it all (i thought he was the only hope i had of being loved). The only thing that worked was, helped by time and people changing, dissociating the boy i knew when i was 13 from the man who was now 23 and pretending that that boy was an imaginary twin brother who passed away, only then i could start to separate the friend from the one i desired, and It took imagining a real death scenario. We're still best friends and i feel much better, but, hell, i lost years because of grief for someone who was still alive AND who i was with relatively frequently. Its really difficult to describe the complexity of this kind of emotion.
This is a very important subject. I have a grown dtr who due to her mental illness/ substance abuse, has basically has little to no contact with me or her siblings.
I’ve come to terms with with it for most part , but grief at times returns with great sadness and loss
My youngest moved to new Zealand in 21016 and I'm in Minnesota, I grieve every single day even though I've been there to visit on 2016 and 2018 and can face time. I still have an empty heart.😢💝
Thanks for the video!
Just yesterday I was thinking about, comparing people leaving our lives because of death vs. because they just don’t want to be with us!
Pretending they’re dead is the best solution: no news from them, no trace of existence:) This strategy helped me a lot years ago. And now I’m happy that those people happened to leave my life
Yes, we grieve the loss of what could have been but never was, only in our minds.
Even though the person in my case actually died, I have to say reclaiming the experiences was very helpful to me. We listened to similar music and I've shown him some of my favourite bands that I had hard time listening to after his death or there was some music he liked I had already known but it became a reminder of him. Realising that all of this is just a part of an experience and memories I have with these bands and listening to them again in a brand new environment helped me not to go even deeper into the grief hole
We had a child who was profoundly handicapped (close to, if not actually in, a vegetative state) and medically fragile. I grieved through his whole life. I called it 'perma-grief' and then grieved for years after his death. I grieved when I fired a babysitter who had worked in our home for a few years. (So did my son.). I grieved when I closed my office - where I had worked in my dream job for decades. Now, I am older, my husband has serious health concerns, and I am grieving because of how our lives have changed, and how the reality of our mortality is smacking us upside the head.
Thank you for this. I "broke up" with my best friend 2 years ago, and I couldn't get over it. But, amazingly, your points here (especially seeing them as actually passed away) makes it a lot easier. That abandoned puppy image was very potent.
My 2 daughters aren't talking to me and it's the worst pain I've ever felt.
@@iammojojojo1646 i’m so sorry this is happening to you. My oldest daughter, about 10 years ago and I, didn’t speak for over a year. As a mother, having to experience that with your child is heartbreaking. Sending love. ❤️
@@kellymurphy6642 I'm glad to hear you are on speaking terms again. I can only hope that will happen for me.
@@iammojojojo1646 I hope so for you too. 🙏
@@kellymurphy6642 thank you💗
There’s no “closure” in death either. Just adaptation. Life has many losses and the sooner we all realize that the sooner you can work through your losses and adjust.
This was a great lesson. Earlier today I *finally* made the first step in grieving an unrequited crush I had. Before that I was in that 'limbo' state for a lo-o-ng time where I knew it couldn't work, yet I constantly thought that such and such might happen, everything was possible, etc. She was no ordinary woman and I really liked her but this back and forth started to mess with me really badly. Your video helped me put my experience so far in perspective and also prepare me for what's to come and how to handle it. During the day I even had a brief period where I was trying to force the grieving process because I was very sad and wanted it to be over but it didn't work, exactly as you said. Thank you for your help!
Thank you so much for this video, this topic is really actual for me now, and I appreciate your understanding and support. The pain is unbearable. I just absolutely don't know how to let go of the person who doesn't need me anymore. I can't accept that he should be dead to me, I can't bear it. It is as unbearable as if he was actually dead.
This was very helpful. I am actually dealing with grief from the death of my husband (3 years ago) … and the loss of a heartbreaking breakup with a boyfriend (that I dated as the first attempt to find love again after my husband’s passing). Ugh 😒 it’s been grief on top of grief!!! I have done some of these techniques in both cases … it does help.
I’ve got a ways to go in my healing … but it does take time. I think reclaiming things, events and places is a huge help.
This video alone helped me so much. I was finally able to let go of my ex-boyfriend who broke up with me in December of 2023. I can finally breathe again.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart dear Scott❤
I'm so glad!
@@DrScottEilers Bless your heart doctor Scott❤️❤️❤️
I grieved for a girl I wanted to love. She loves someone else and I desperately wanted to love her. She tore a hole into my heart and I still wish to this day I never known her. I fell into a downward spiral of depression and engaged myself in self harm and still resist the urge to cut myself out of guilt for loving her. 💔😭
My daughter abandoned our family 10 years ago, refusing to have any contact with us. Sadly she was mentally ill, and blamed all of her problems on others. I grieved for years, and came to terms with it.
She died suddenly three weeks ago. I feel confused now, and am experiencing fresh grief. It is as if she died twice.
I'm so sorry ❤
Even though I'm grieving the loss of my 29 yr old son, by unaliving, this video was of great help. Changing the environment & memories.... re-doing some things of hurtful and sad memories in a different way resonates. So.... I will work toward that way. TY 🌹💕