Google served this video to me this morning and it hit me in my very soul. I spent 2 years in grief therapy with a LCSW and this never came up. The death of my dream hit me so hard that I immediately buried it and it wasn’t acknowledged in any way. It has devastated my life since then. I will hold a ceremony for it now. Thank you for this immensely important video. I feel that you are touching a great many lives with it. 🙏🏻☮️❤️
THIS is how I feel about my career in the film business in an incredibly misogynistic embedded field . 30 years of men I work with, with protected privileged nepotism backgrounds, and historic relationships with powerful creatives. I have worked with around and through this issue for 30 years . Trapped under the glass ceiling, in a pool of depression now feeling like I’m drowning. Being ignored- and feeling that jealous competition from people who should be lifting you up , but teaming up with others likeminded to bring you down, and sometimes sabotaging you to get you fired. I love what I do, and hoped to be a gaffer or lighting designer . In films - I’m not exaggerating- there are 15 female gaffers . And typically under 100 . Woman who are in my union of set Lighting Technicians in Hollywood, out of a membership of 2500 people in our workforce. Hardly any female directors of photography. On the occasions I do get to work with strong talented woman, they get less resources, and less authority to keep our work safe, essentially setting woman up to fail by undermining their leadership. I would love to add we have come along way since the beginning of my career, but that unreachable place is a painful reality.
He definitely is. In the first video of his that I saw, he validated my feelings of passive suicidal ideation that I thought were unique to only me. What a relief I felt. It's helped me begin to look it square in the face. One week after that, I got a new therapist and told her about it almost immediately. Just having a name for it somehow made me feel freer and lighter.
True for me as well, but I found out about it after being forced to retire early. Now, just a picture of a middle-class home and surroundings is enough to start me off wanting to cry at the loss. Can't explain it any more than that. It feels like just more weakness on my part, somehow.
Thank you for acknowledging this. I get so sick of hearing people say "it's never too late!" Enough of toxic positivity. Sometimes it really is too late, sometimes we have missed our window of opportunity and we just have to mourn that loss.
Thank you! Yes! It is too late! I've never thought of that term "toxic positivity!" People still telling me to go back to school at 66 to become a nurse. Something I always wanted to do but never found the time, living on my own and working shitty paying jobs. Just couldn't figure out how to do it. But here are people with that toxic positivity telling me "it's never too late!" YES IT IS TOO LATE!!!
I’ve known about this for a long time. Soren Kierkegaard once said ,”the most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly one you can never have”.
Maybe ones dreams need to be reorganized, and redspun. That's why I feel in love with Buddhism ALL LIFE IS SUFFERING! Getting that out of the way helps to be realistic.
Wouldn’t Buddhism tell you to not have dreams? Dreams are desires, and desires creates suffering. Wouldn’t Buddhism tell you to simply exist and accept?
I'm 70 years old. Everyone close to me is dead. My favorite dog is dead. Nothing in my life turned out as I planned. A few things went well, a whole bunch didn't. I've lived a life that isn't pleasant to look back on. And that is entirely been my responsibility. As a student of Stoicism, I've learned that this moment is all there really is. But being human, I do look back sometimes with a mixture of shame and regret.
The dream of a better future stems from not having resolved the pain of our past: the root of bitterness. As you say realising our hope of better future lost. Our midlife crisis is to face and resolve the pain of our past to find Peace to live in the present: the present is a gift. The influence of Grace to learn to be content inwardly. "One thing I do, forgetting what's behind, I press on..." Unconditional Love and forgiveness causes us to rejoice and change inwardly. "The Love of Christ compels us to be reconciled to God." "He is near the poor and broken hearted."
When my father died at 59/cancer (23 years ago now) he told me on his deathbed he had no regrets. He did live a full life but (little did he know) I lived a life full of regrets. I have tried to make changes so I could go forward without regrets but it hasn’t quite worked out that way, but I did learn to be more thankful and appreciate the little things more. The little things help a lot. I hope you find some enjoyment in the time remaining. Peace and joy to you.
I’m actually grieving for my life before this severe panic/anxiety, depression and agoraphobia hit like a ton of bricks paralyzing me. I want my life back. I have a lot of physical conditions now too. My physical health has definitely suffered through the past 10 years. I worked in medical sales and hospital administration and loved my jobs and interacting with people. My children who are all grown now with their own families. And I’ve grieved the empty nest and my children are 40, 38 and 26 all have successful careers too. I’ll stop here but I’m enjoying your channel and look forward to your vlogs. Thank you 😊
@@starrperry6395 SP, you should copy and paste this into the main comments instead of as a response to someone else's comment. I hope you find your way out of your severe situation and find your joy again. I'm working on it as well after losing my husband of 35 years 2-1/2 years ago and then 6 other close friends and family members. I always had depressive issues but it is all getting too much. I am just trying to appreciate the little things I have left to find joy in and it is helping. All the best to you and your loved ones. /k
@@zxyatiywariii8 nope. No sex, no fun, no relationships. You lose all internal mechanisms for fun and even journal conversation. You just wanna isolate and die or take over the world, cause that's all that's left you're dead inside legot 😂
I am 58 also. And the last four years of my life have beat me down so much. I have given up on all of my dreams and so-called bucket list of things I wanted to do before I die. I do lately feel like there is a chance I will pull out of this depression and enjoy life again more than I don't. I have a bad habit of holding on to all the bullshit. And taking for granite anything good that happens.
It is said that when we find ourselves in this position, we should strive to let go of the world and focus on our inner self. I am 59 and only now look and become aware of those things I thought would happen. Read some philosophy or like u did fill your mind with useful things made only for u. You will recognize the words, and you will find comfort in all these losses. I think from here on out loss will try to take the wheel. F*c# that. Peace to u and those u love.❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
At 57 I began also down this path of grief and had no clue what I was dealing with. It seems like depression yes, but it is a true grief. Is the common in women at this age more than men?
Came across this by accident, started listening, and with the words "...basically feels like you are grieving the loss of an alternate universe version of yourself that is never going to be allowed to exist... " my eyes started to tear up. Suddenly I feel like what I've been feeling has been identified.
I've had the same view of my own life. It seems outrageous that that alternate Universe isn't the actual one. I've thought of trying to write a memoir of the life I never had. It wouldn't be a fantasy. It would be realistic. But it would be much less awful than my reality.
It frustrates me so much when doctors or therapists dismiss my feelings of grief over something I hoped for, but never had. It feels like gaslighting when they won't acknowledge dreams as important too.
Yes, something you hoped for and sometimes that thing was right there in front of you and you could taste it but it slipped through your fingers never to be seen again. That is grief. Grief over a loss. A dream that never comes to fruition is a great loss 😔😓
The dream of a better future stems from not having resolved the pain of our past: the root of bitterness. As you say realising our hope of better future lost. Our midlife crisis is to face and resolve the pain of our past to find Peace to live in the present: the present is a gift. The influence of Grace to learn to be content inwardly. "One thing I do, forgetting what's behind, I press on..." Unconditional Love and forgiveness causes us to rejoice and change inwardly. "The Love of Christ compels us to be reconciled to God." "He is near the poor and broken hearted."
As a person who had a spinal cord injury (shot in the back and paralyzed) and became a quadriplegic at 20 years old, I feel like I know a lot about ambiguous grief.
Not what you planned, not what you chose. Most people will never be able to understand your constant disappointments and daily mental and physical struggles. Love and prayers to you on your journey.
I bet you do and God bless you. Are there things you've found that you feel passionate about in that time? I know that sounds simplistic, but sometimes thinking about the things we felt passionate about as kids (like art, reading, animals, music) and spending time delving into one of them.
And how do you deal with it ? I saw it first hand in one of my closest friend due to illness (so no other human involved) and eventually after many years she didn't make it physically. I assume the battle phase and the one were the results are clear and constant have their own challenges and that's often maybe overlooked by others. The outside is often on board during drama, but not the silent drama.
I am a 62-year-old woman, and when I stopped grieving the life, I thought I would have, and started living the life that I do have I realized how wonderful it really is!
It's good to finally have a name for this anguish in my soul. I am a 63-year-old childless widow. Infertility is so very cruel. For all the years that my husband and I tried to have children, I emotionally went through a funeral every month when I learned that I was still not pregnant. Then I hit menopause about 10 years early, only worsening my heartache as I learned my dream of being a mother was gone forever. Only my own sweet mother seemed to understand my hurt, and now she's gone, too. Literally no one else understands the pain I feel as I face old age alone, with no children or grandchildren to love -- or to love me. Now maybe I can work on this ambiguous grief. Thank you.
You're never alone if you're always on the lookout for ways to be of help to others. I'm your age and similar situation, but have focussed more on looking outward rather than inward at my sorrows. This, and a great thankfulness for all the things I *do have* has made my life full and interesting, with enough friends and acquaintances to provide an important sense of belonging. Find ways to make a difference to others, that is the secret. Joy comes to fill those moments that were spent on *why me* thoughts. Life is meant to be a daring adventure, or it's nothing (Helen Keller). It's up to you to decide which kind of life YOU will create - your choice can change everything for the better.
I am a single mom of three. My ex husband abandoned me and our kids. I hurt so much for my kids because they deserved to have a dad. I just wanted to tell you, there are so many single moms out there who have kids but nobody to share them with. My kids, aside from me and my aging parents, have nobody. You could be family to someone like me and my kids. It hurts being so isolated and not having others who can know, love and appreciate my kids with me. I know it isn't the same as having your own babies. ❤️❤️ I can only explain from my perspective. how much value I would gain from someone like you just caring. Family doesn't have to be blood. And you still have the ability to have so much influence and value in some kid's life. Also, (again, I know it isn't the same) have you considered adoption? I can't imagine how much an adopted child would appreciate the opportunity to grow up in a safe, loving family with parents who genuinely wanted them. Some of the people I consider the best parent material (and most compassionate and caring) cannot have children and I believe they were meant to sow their love much further than a small family of their own. When you have your own family your sights are narrowed, sometimes you are consumed with stress and survival. You don't have extra to "share". Don't think because you don't have your own that your impact is wasted. You might have such a vital role to play in a child's life at some point. ❤❤❤
Good Day. However, if you don't die, then, each new day IS a "New Door", in it's own way. Kinda. I almost gave up once. Atleast, for me, I'm glad that I didn't. (atleast- should be one word. Fire should be spelt Fier. Lower case i looks better to me than I when referring to Myself.) Peace and Best Regards.
Several years ago after a major disappointment in my family, I realized “Life is the dying of dreams continually”. We all have expectations in life that don’t come to fruition.
I think there’s a lot of truth in this video, but I don’t like how it’s emboldened a lot of useless negativity in the comment section. The truth is, life is neither good nor bad, it just is. It’s true that if one was shielded of life’s vicious sides when young or on the other hand, chose to escape into a dream world, to tolerate a reality to painful to experience, then facing reality can be a kick to the stomach. Perhaps dreams per se are more often than not quite damaging. Why? Because they’re abstract, grandiose and all too often, impossible. But aspiration has always been a core part of being human and a driver of progress. So, I think the key to a fulfilling life, whatever cards your dealt, is to kill off the big grandiose dreams and instead focus on the little things, the little incremental and realistic ambitions. Ok, I can’t have biological kids of the exact gender or description I was hoping. What about adopting? Or being around kids in other ways, helping kids in need etc. Ok, I might not be the CEO of a multinational corporation. What about my current job, is it the best I can hope for? The answer to this is almost always no, even if the progress may only be incremental. Of course quitting one’s job, pursuing a different career or asking for a promotion are all hard, exponentially so the older you get, but not impossible. Ok, I might never look like Brad Pit, does that mean I would not look and feel a lot better if I ate a healthier diet? And so on. I think people should kill their dreams and instead ask, what action or habit, that I could realistically do, right now, would make my life exponentially better. And then pursue that.
Judith Viorst called the dying of dreams “necessary losses” which I always appreciated because it reframes the grief as a necessary step to greater wisdom, humility (which is a GOOD thing…”right-sizing” oneself) and compassion.
It's because you believe you know what's best for you, rather than leaving it to Infinite, Incorporeal, Omnipresent Consciousness, or God if you will...!
Two gems of wisdom handed down to me by my grandfather... happiness is not having what you want but wanting what you have. And life is not what you make it but how you take it.
As a baby boomer and not in the best of health what I feel like I am grieving is the loss of a phrase - ‘and the best is yet to be’. That has kept me going so many times during my life but I know that now the best has already been. It cuts me to my core.
I feel exactly the same way. We can no longer say to ourselves things will get better or something better will come along. It is so confronting.Up till now that's how we've lived our life.
I'm 50. I always dreamed of being a successful person when I came to this age: happily married, with kids and a good job I like to go to. I failed at everything. All my siblings have that, and I'm the only one in the family who derailed. And it hurts back every now and again. I suppose that being the failure of the family is a burden heavier than I thought. Thanks for your words. They're helpful.
Dude you just described me, Im 52 youngest sibling and feel the same such that its sometimes hard to bring myself to special family dinners like Xmas etc
You must go on, you must say words as long as there are any. In the silence you don't know, you must go on, you can't go on, yet you do go on. If you think you can go on, you can and will. That's the only comfort you get in our cruel world.
Carducho I'm in ur boat but I'm not quitting I believe it's never to late to start anew! I'm using my siblings scorn as a motivator! I also know that love is worth more than any monetary success!
There's honour in doing the best job you can do. Even if it's not what you'd rather be doing. There are millions of people here who do the jobs most wouldn't want. Garbage collection, early morning street cleaning, house cleaning ect. The happy ones whistle while they work.
I agree completely, and I am 57. What scares me is that I'm seeing this realization occuring at a younger and younger age to the point that my friends children (I have none) say they are experiencing this in their twenties....
In Chinese astrology 40s is when you realize you are mortal when your peers start to die. I have no peers in my life. I hate them, they hate me. I think my childhood dream from which I may die and I have no heart to watch this video or go for surgery. I still remember the pain after the surgery: like somebody put a knife in my stomach. I don't feel any symptoms. I am ok. Everything is fine. But I franticly try to have fun before it may all come crushing down because next day is not a guarantee. But I am still sad. Except of few moments when I can laugh at myself
@@1legend517 This points to the problems many are facing as a societal one rather than an age related one. I'm 47 and i don't care to do anything anymore. Work just enough to pay the bills, no ambition. The only reason i workout is because i feel like hell if i don't. I had some good opportunities i've squandered, i worked 60 hrs a week for 10 months to put together a business and threw that away over anxiety. All i had to do was show up, the work was there...I've always been a dreamer guy that quit 5 ft from the goal. I overhype and the stress of that takes me out. Now that most the problems i had when i was young are gone, i dont care lol. What a hilarious joke it all is. But then again, America and the west are falling apart, rampant crime, corruption, immigration, our culture is gone, no one is left except try hard idiots and the stupid. Everyone else is in a zombie state, waiting for the ball to drop. Maybe this is the cause of how im feeling.
I lost my only sibling, my brother to suicide in 2011. And then my best friend, my dad to cancer in 2014. I just lost my youngest son in 8/2023 who turned 23, just a few weeks before he passed. I didn’t grieve correctly with my dad. I was angry & in denial for over two years. Unhealthy! Losing my son is a pain like NO other. No parent should bury a child. I am letting myself grieve this time & it’s so very hard!!!! I have never cried so much in my life. I’m exhausted. I can’t think. I’m in a constant fog. I have ADHD & a TBI. Add grief to that & I am a mess. Losing my son is the hardest loss! Parents don’t prepare for it. It’s unthinkable. Unimaginable. My dream was having children & watching my children grow. I didn’t want a career. I wanted to be a mom! I don’t get to have that now. I will never see him get married. I won’t hold his babies in my arms. I won’t get to watch him grow old. I will never hear him call me mother, again. My dreams are crushed. My soul is shattered. When his heart stopped beating, I lost a part of my soul forever! The only thing that brings me hope is knowing that he’s in heaven. He is good. I am not okay. But maybe I will be one day. Life will never be the same. How do you overcome the loss of a sweet child? Each day is one day closer to holding him in my arms once again. But for now, I try to live my life here on earth with my children & my grandchild until He calls me home. I will see him again. And then I will be whole again. 💔😢💛🕊️
Diana, I’m so sorry for your loss. I commend you for coming here and for posting. Take the best care of yourself that you possibly can. Know that this stranger online is sending you all my best. I don’t have to know you to care. ❤
I’m so sorry for your loss. I became a ghost in my own life because of death and suicide. Sending you love and prayers for peace for your heart as you’re going through this. 💜🙏🏻💜 ~N
I'm 60, thought I'd be married, have kids/grandkids, friends, nice house, could go on. Am finally accepting my life is not what I wanted and having to accept my life is what it is. Yes it hurts but less than before and gets less over time. Helps reading the comments showing I'm not alone with these feelings. I love the days when I am happy, I make the most of those days.
Thank you for sharing your story. I feel less lonely. I thought my life would be different, but at 62 I am learning to accept the way things are and thankful for the blessings in my life❤️
I didn't know there was a name for this. I always called it "existential sadness", the idea that you're sad for the state of your very being and that you know things cannot be the way you want them to be. The worst is when you try to realize your dreams, fail at doing it, then later you realize that the life you wanted to achieve cannot possibly be, and then you see others achieving that life you failed at. That's the darkest reality one can live.
You didn't fail. Your dreams were stolen from you. Those 'others' achievers had help and used people along the way. You just never saw it. Neither did I. I still pay for my naivety every.... single.....day
Most of the time it is out of your control or it is something you could not have known. And when you knew it was too late. Or if you knew you would have quit sooner. If it was something big as your career, significant otger or child its ezpecially dire. Only thing you can do is move on.
It feels like all of my dreams have died, some in an instant, others from a long, lingering demise. Social occasions are the worst, when friends and family gather to celebrate milestones and I have to put on a happy face while wishing I was somewhere--anywhere--else.
I have no family or friends left. Isolated & so alone. Please, don't let that happen to you! I blinked once, realized 15 looong years were just "poof" gone forever. You dive back into life, soon as possible. Please, don't wait❤
@@peggymerritt9019 You too. I know it sounds like a bit of a cliché, but joining a group with similar interests can often help. I joined a writing group a few years back and had some interesting experiences. I think it was a site called Meet Up. Doing things for others, volunteering somewhere can be a break from your own thoughts. I always feel a bit better when I'm helping those who truly need it. I have a cat, too. Sometimes it's just nice to know she's waiting for me to come home, and not to an empty apartment. I don't know if any of this helps, but I hope so.
@@barbaraschain9260 Perhaps so, but I don't know. I'm 64 and I've lost a few very close friends, one drank himself to death from PTSD and the other who probably will too, and a sister who passed away from cancer. I do have a very close female friend, and sometimes she's the only one who keeps me relatively sane and on this side of the grass, so to speak. I find that trying to do things for others helps and I do a lot of writing which helps get my feeling out, and getting into my head that way helps get me out of my head, assuming that makes any sense. Meet Up is a good way to finds others with similar interests. I hope that helps.
You are the only person to ever discuss this ambiguous grief issue. As a mom of a kid with disabilities I have been told so many times to “look on the bright side” or ‘it could be worse’. I have been excluded from social groups at school because other moms don’t know what to do with us. It is a long hard road. Thank you for talking about it.
I feel this. My son is 14 and will probably never have a relationship because people see him as having the mind of a much younger child. He may never drive or have a job. I feel he's going to be left out and lonely all his life. He's my only child. I have not much living family and I feel I won't even be able to die in peace because I'll probably never have the relief a parent must feel when they know their child could take care of themselves. There are kids worse off than my son yes but I don't see why I'm supposed to not grieve what he won't have
@@Opal5674 you have every right to feel this way, the hard part is not to let yourself drown in it. Let it paralyze you. Different reasons but i struggle with this too. I say it out of empathy. Consider yourself hugged.
Hello Dr. Scott, to be honest, I was born disabled and I have spent most of my life watching my dreams get crushed. My soul has been haunted by many of the ghost you spoke of here. But, I was amazed how just being able to give a name to the pain I felt, made me feel so much peace. Thank you so very much for this video man!! 😊😊😊
I became disabled in my 20's I've spent about half my life trying to accept that I won't ever have any of the things I thought I would have. Now I'm just in pain all the time and I'd settle for having enough pain meds to not always be in pain.
I remembered my relative. She became disabled when she was a kid as soon as I know: they said it was tuberculosis. They lie all the time. Old feud. Montecky and Kapuletti. I never thought how she felt about it.
Yes! So truthful…no stinkin platitudes or ….” Have you tried such and such” Just pure accepting the truths and unspeakable of anxiety and depression that we don’t even whisper So so helpful….love the absence of practiced unreal resonance…. the absence of that ‘clinical’ mask is actually what makes him so relatable as well as informative
I write this as a memorial, for the one that wanted to Love but never learned how to give or receive it. The one that offered prayers that was never answered. The one that Failed because no one gave the chance to succeed. The one that never had a moment they exceeded their limits and as such have nothing to be proud of. The one that worked hard all their life and still has nothing to show for it. The one to which many promises were made, but none kept. The one who has nobody to mourn or remember them after their passing. To all of those who never had the chance to enjoy the gift of life. For you I write this.
The best way to grieve the death of a dream is to find a new one. I am 55 and I have a lifetime of unrealized dreams. Our inner critic grinds us into dust, telling us how we are to blame for all of our failed plans. I can only tell you how I made peace with mine, finding out I have been swimming upstream my entire life has helped me forgive myself for failing. I have autism. I didn't realize this until March of 2023. That explained how I can be so gifted in many ways, and yet unable to do something simple like driving a car. I forgive myself. I am in awe that I managed to get anywhere with how harsh this world is. Everyone has a different set of circumstances, barriers to our success. Forgive yourself. And then dream a new dream. Without dreams we die.
this hit me like a truck because as I was reading, I was thinking about how I discovered late last year that I am undiagnosed autistic... I still have to get my official diagnosis, but the consensus of everybody who knows me including my psychologist and doctor is that this is pretty reasonable. thinking how you were describing my exact situation, and then you said that you figured out you were autistic too... this is exactly how it is, and I have experienced a wall when trying to discuss it with others or even with a therapist. I don't know about you but this definitely happened to me because of autistic burnout... from which I'm still yet to recover but it's been almost a decade of this. I am very tired, but I am trying to convince myself I can still have a dream. thank you *so much* for sharing.
I'm so new to this, I'm 56 and I've only just worked this out too. But where do I go from here? I can forgive myself for thinking it was my fault when I was forever swimming upstream, but it still won't magically unlock or bring me what I fought so hard for for decades. I'm still sitting here, feeling my life has been wasted, or at least I have nothing to show for how hard I've worked and tried and failed at. I have nothing else left I want, I've tried it all and nothing came of it. I'm sorry, I'm rambling. Thank you for reading, whoever you are. It means more than you know.
@@catpawrosales4265 I read and I see you. I am seeking diagnosis. I did an initial assessment with a social worker. She pointed out that much of what I said was in the past tense, she pointed out that I still had plenty of time ahead of me to find something new to work towards. I think I might start trying to become an advocate for autistic women. Most autistic people have barriers with communication. I could be a voice. You can be one too. We have so many little sisters that have few models to look towards. We can pave a way
That’s what I told my therapist at the peak of my depression “I’ve always had these big dreams and images of how my life will be like that are inspiring and stimulating, but failure after failure, I have learned how not to dream anymore and the abyss came”. Doomed if you dream and your dreams don’t become a reality and doomed if you don’t dream because it robs you of any motivation.
I relate to you. My dreams also shattered, I shut down, was scared to even do stuff somehow connected to this dream (being creative in general, writing, painting) because I didn't want to have hope again that I can do something with it. Because the pain was too real. And on top of this I felt very guilty that I'm so upset by this. For now I'm slowly trying again, moving to new city with my friends, starting new projects. I'm scared as fuck, but without my dreams my life is senseless to me. I'm living only for other people without it and it scares me - my existence is pointless without them. If they leave me I'm lost
Thank you, good person, you gave the name for a state of soul I am in right now. The abyss. Too scared to dream, too scared to live, too scared to leave. Sometimes it feels better and almost manageable, sometimes not. Sometimes it feels like I am just a random visitor in my own body, a passenger who patiently waits for her flight doing nothing. I try to do what made me happy in the past, but it doesn’t anymore. I try to find a way to myself, but my scared little self is not where I left it, and I don’t have energy nor inspiration to make new ways.
I speak from my heart as I write this. The way you worded your experience was piercing. I don't think I've seen anyone describe the sensation with such vivid accuracy. I read your comment and just found myself trapped within my own thoughts for a good 5 minutes. I'm at a stage in my life where I'm beginning to see the abyss. Refusing to succumb to it is getting more and more exhausting by the day. I wish to fight it, I truly do - but the motivation to do so is slowly being replaced by a hollow of shallow acceptance. Life is suffocating, and oftentimes feels like an indestructible invisible cage. I feel like anyone who says otherwise is either extremely fortunate, or has already gladly crushed their dreams under their own feet. I truly wish life could release its stranglehold on all those grieving out there, even if just by a little. So few people acknowledge this form of grief and it's so difficult to find a single respite from it, that it's just unhealthily buried where no one can find it.
I think this topic is especially poignant right now as so many of us are realizing our lives in this world/society aren't going to be what we anticipated they'd be. I see my adult children and grandchildren struggling to meet basic needs and facing uncertain futures filled with political conflict and economic hardship, and I feel helpless to shield them from the disappointments they're going to face. I grieve for the plans and futures they aren't going to be able to have. I grieve that they won't experience this beautiful planet in the way I did growing up. They will have to find their own beauty and way forward.
These same thoughts and emotions cause me to almost wish I could go back in time, and never have my kids. What world did I bring them into? Life is hard for me. Every. Single. Day. They see this. They're likely to repeat it. This is not how I believed life would be! Not at all. And I only see it getting worse and worse. My kids are too old to run away into the woods and start my own little world out there. Now they're world is even tougher. And they're likely to have kids! I dunno. It's just so hard and tiring. It's hard to look into the future and see anything happy happening. 😞
I think my mother is beginning to feel the same way. I’m 27 almost 28 and still struggling to just meet my own basic needs-and I have a degree and full-time job. My brother is 23 and has never left the home, never had a job. The world we are facing is terrifying and I feel like everything I ever dreamed of doing growing up has been ripped away. I have very little hope for my future, and I know it’s basically an entire generation that feels this way.
My heart goes out to you! Hang in there. You can still have dreams, they just might need to change and grow into something else. But there is still beauty in the small things of everyday life.@@PaperParade
I had an entire career in television production layed out in front of me. Friends and family got me in and I was "set" as one would say. Then while working in my garden one day I fell, cracked my skull, spent a week in ICU, and could barely speak. 6 months after I developed epilepsy. A decade later Ive regained my arm movement and don't slur as much but I still stutter, trip over my own feet, and take massive doses of meds for epilepsy. I'm exhausted, bored, eager, tired, frustrated, depressed, sometimes hopeful (for fleeting moments anyway). But the truth is it's over. My dreams, plans, hopes, ideas. All gone. I'm rotting away every day as I stare out a window deciding if tomorrow's worth it.
I can relate to this. I was about 6 weeks short of graduating college when I was diagnosed with epilepsy. So I lost my drivers license and was never able to finish my degree - instead had to find a really crappy job I hate - and start off buried in student loans and debts from medical bills. It's been almost 30 years and I managed to keep my head above water, but it's been hell.
Unless you suffer from total amnesia, you'll always grieve what could have been (or "may" have been), even if you find a new life purpose. Just like if you lose a beloved parent, you never stop grieving for them or missing them, but you learn to put that all-consuming grief in a box or compartment while going on with a life without them. Whatever you have to do to box the grief of losing the TV career instead of having it consume your life, do it. I promise you there are other paths that will bring you as much joy, or even more, than a TV career may have brought you.
@@weezercolo886 Well said and encouraging. The OP's situation sounds very sad and frustrating and anguishing. I do think there are a variety of fulfilling things we can do with ourselves - maybe instead of a news person they start a youtube channel on something they are passionate about. A thought about this video is maybe there's the potential for some people who think their dream is dead to give up prematurely, some people don't have their dreams come true until later in life..or after they die in the case of some creative sorts 😑
I have suffered from this for over 20 years, thinking I was completely alone in my inability to deal with the loss of all my hopes and dreams when I was in my 40's. I'm now in my 60's, and I do function, but I have never recovered from the loss. My personal grief is always just below the surface, and I need to be extremely careful in public in case something triggers it and I break down publicly. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone in this. I don't expect to recover from it, but at least I have a better understanding of my mental processes.
Thank you for putting my thoughts and experiences into words. And yes ‘my grief is always there just below the surface’. All the best to you. Perhaps a new dream will keep us going.💕
Same situation here. For me, trying to get help (or understand what to do) from friends / family about my loss of hopes and dreams was always put me even in lower mental state. People who have never experienced this type of loss will tell you that is fake. They think that only "real" loss is real.
Omg this is what I needed!! I retired in September. Only because work was toxic and it hit hard!!! My retirement dream didn’t look like this!!! I’m alone!! Not the cottage by the lake, not the winters in the south. No. Alone. My son moved away at the same time for love. My only family was now gone! What a winter! Devastated! So needed to find you!! Thank you!!!
Yes one has to fill retirement time with growth or else it becomes a wasteland of time. I felt so strange that I had to create a whole new me..a whole new identity, self image. I still have anxiety over it. Now I find myself completely alone...not any children or family. I've had close friends but they've died or moved away or drifted away. I'm not sure what to do. I probably would evaporate if I didn't have my birds and my aquariums and some other interests. I think curiosity and imagination can help a person and to not think of the past or future is a tool that is helpful. I hope you've found your way and if you have ideas that have helped you it'd be great if you'd share..BEST!!
I have accepted the fact that i am 66 with no partner, children, or grand-children. What friends and family don't understand is that a lot of your life over the years is lived through other people's lives. I am very happy for everyone's joys, but there are the down times when you realise what you don't have and it is highlighted a lot. This is reality.
I can't do it. Everyday I'm struggling with this. No support, nothing. I've watched on as all my friends, cousins etc got married, had families of their own and disappeared from my life. Ive nearly always been single, always left wondering what's wrong with me and why I could never have that, why I could never find the right person. I've never been more alone and depressed than I am now. Difficult to find a reason to get up or function everyday. It gets worse every year, I no longer want to care about or celebrate birthdays the older that i get and i wish people would leave me alone. I am sick of living for other people's happiness and their families, their achievements, and their social lives when I have none of my own. I am so sick of the loneliness and the feelings of failure. I'm sick of being told that I should step parent or adopt and accept someone else's kids as my own. I've always wanted my own family. I've been rejected for the better half of my life and have never even once celebrated a valentine's day. Im so lonely I'm on medication for depression. Doctors, GPs, therapists, they dont care about me. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
Yes, we are basically social beings but ultimately alone. Learning to live with aloneness, loneliness, being alone in a world of people and human accomplishment and learning is important. For some people, a belief in some higher, spiritual being helps or seeing sacred connectedness in the natural world. It is the human lot.
You are better than my therapist . Ur correct never told. Ambiguous Grief?? My only child was murdered at 17, i was 37. He had just graduated, I had a great job, needless to say I lost it. Excepting that ALL my dreams were gone is (still) heart wrenching.... You do explain the greif process so well. Its 20ys & its like yesterday & still cry, my heart still hurts. And for every feel good day, time, laugh i have I know he is with me. He lives in my ❤.
I feel that way about my folks..like the movie has gone from color to black and white. I long to be the person I was a few years ago. I have a sweet bunny who gives me laughs and love, but I am not the person I was before.
I feel you man. Lost my nephew to a heroin overdose. Long story but when I realized my brothers taught him drugs were cool and ok it's just another scar. Your grief will eventually fade, never leave but just keep sending him your love. You didn't kill him Dad some sick scum did. I'm sending a prayer for you right now.
Letting my dreams die has been incredibly liberating. By having no wants, expectations or desires, I have insulated myself from incredible pain of ambiguous grief. If I don’t “want” anything, then I can’t be disappointed when I fail to realize it. So I have snuffed any dreams or visions of the future, and try to live each day with the minimum level of emotional commitment to outcomes. My motto is “Man plans. God laughs.”
I can relate. I've come to that place of having no wants, no hopes, no more plans. It came on the tail of realizing my dreams weren't going to happen. They required human involvement, and even though I had invested in and set up all the physical aspects necessary, the people didn't come. They weren't interested, and I couldn't make people appear out of thin air. I have grieved. I need to sell off my investments, but that letting go is going to cause more grief. I'm stuck in anhedonia, without a future focus. I have to let these things go to move on. But I have no direction to move towards.
@@victoryamartin9773 it’s ok not to have a direction. By not having a destination you are never lost and you always end up where you’re supposed to be.
I feel the same although I don't think that one should use that freedom to just do whatever one wants, indulge in self-centered activity and so on. It wouldn't mean that you can live in a paralyzed way like hikikomori. That's life in disharmony. I feel that, if you truly don't have any personal wants, expectations and so on .. Then there is this immense energy to Observe. You know how to stop, look, and listen. And you're then acting more out of the law of synchronicity, meaning that if you see an opportunity for something new and fruitful to do, you do it! It's liberating like mentioned.
This is the grief that you feel deeply, but no one else knows about it, because you feel like they'll think you're crazy for being so sensitive about everything. I have felt this grief for so many things over the years. Thank you Dr. Eilers
Yes. We all have our little dreams that we like to come true outside the realm of what most people desire. It’s different for all of us, but the desire is there nonetheless.
Last two years, I've been grieving the dreams I am never going to have. I always thought my life would be different at this point, I thought I'd have everything everyone gets in their late 40s, but I haven't even started on a path I wanted to....I have been so god damn depressed over this and you're literally the first person that EVER actually identified this type of grief.
I've been trying to get through this for a couple of years. I am 68 and lived with ADHD undiagnosed my whole life and most of my goals were unattainable. I was too busy pleasing others and trying to prove that I was worthy.
I spent a lifetime trying to achieve my ‘dreams’, always failing/having the rug pulled out from under me just as I was about to succeed, but still trying over and over, until I finally figured out why my dreams weren’t coming to fruition; now I’m 76 yrs old and exhausted, alone, and disheartened, grieving in an abyss, with only continuous nothingness to show for all that expended energy…what hurts the most is that while using my energy towards helping everyone, children, relatives, friends, even strangers, achieve their dreams, when it came to having my dreams come true, NO ONE helped me, instead certain people went out of their way to literally destroy my every effort, now I’m just too tired to care anymore…
I can so relate to the exhaustion, The regret. And a truly broken heart and soul. My beloved son (only child) saw me as a good mom and a friend as he grew up. In his late twenties he married a self centered controlling woman. Within three years I became to them an unbalanced and incapable person. Suddenly I had no access to my darling three yo granddaughter, who loved me to bits. I lost two major parts of my self. I am no one’s mother or grandmother. No one seemed to understand it was like two deaths to me. They seldom contact me. I was an empty void for eight years; barely functioning; still struggle. No one seemed to understand my loss and my grief, including therapists. Minimal family support. I finally found a place to live, with my disabled husband, where I can be with nature and mend a little. I have learned to acknowledge that all my dreams died. And try not to blame myself.
Depression isn't simply losing illusions, but rather seeing the world in a more realistic, albeit negative, light. They call this "depressive realism."
I know the feeling, at 75. Time ran out on achieving my plans and dreams and just normal ordinary mundane expectations. Death will come as a liberation, but until then, my heart insists on beating.
As long as we have something left to fulfil in this world, we will be here. Even if it's just to offer a genuine smile or a sympathetic ear to someone who has not found it anywhere else
@carolinegraystone9308 i know where you're coming from. I dont have the answer but i know that is not a option so we have to keep going. Im tormented by my thoughts of the future and the only thing that helps to keep moving. Staying busy doing anything at all bc when i give myself to much time to think i make it worse. I try to adjust my expectations and work towards a new goal and maybe in the course of doing that things might work out. The biggest help has been taking time to do stuff i enjoy and completely forgetting about the world. I look forward to those times and that gives me something to live for.
I've never had a love story. It may sound weird but that's how it is. I'm 40 and honestly this has been so helpful. I should just be grieving the young and beautiful love story I never had instead of chasing something impossible. And I'm so tired of people saying "It's never too late" or "It will come when you least expect it", I'm tired. I'm done. That's just it. And honestly, I should have my time of grieving and acceptance instead of this zombie-like situation. And just accept it. Thank you for this.
I can relate so well! I’m 46 and my love life has been a complete train wreck to put it mildly. The older I get, the more I realize I’ll never have that storybook romance of meeting someone, falling in love, getting married, and growing old together. Definitely missed my chance a raising kids with someone. I was a single mother and my kids are all adults with families of their own. I too am tired of hearing “in Gods time” or “it’s never too late “. It really is too late for some things.
@@PrincessEldara right?? Exactly! I mean I'm sure there's still things we can do at our ages and have fun, find meaning, create something beautiful, do art, travel, etc., but we should normalize do that and not wait for "the one". Honestly if I could just write, keep doing my job and read a good book from time to time without having to chase "love" I'd be so much happier.
I feel this so much! I’m 45, never married, 2 long term relationships with avoidant and emotionally unavailable partners and now a single Mum. Dating sites are a joke and full of toxicity. I’ve given up on my love story. I’m currently working on being the best version of myself and finding happiness in solitude. I’m enjoying the peace, it feels good to let go of that dream.
Love stories are rare. And after a love story, half of marriages end in divorce. So, grow up, do your duty, and enjoy what you have. Have a love story with yourself.
Holy crap. 2 of my friends who died, 1 suicide, 1 murdered who i never went to their funeral, I still see in my dreams. And it always feels so real. They pop up and are like "hey man, haven't seen you in a while, where have you been?" And I wake up confused convinced for a few days they are alive and I just got my wires crossed.
Hi from 🇯🇵. I’m a psychologist in a small county city near Mt. Fuji. Being the only one here and around the other cities I have to help clients with a large variety of mental challenges, like a tiny small town old doctor. Long intro… I mainly want to say that is nice to listen to a well educated (seems like you are not only interested in the mind ) updated and coherent speaker. Thank you and wish luck in your path helping thousands of people with your channel. Arigatou 🙇🏻♀️🇯🇵
I lost friends over this kind of grief. They judged me as not tough enough... not driven enough. Then there are also those who project onto me that I'm well and fine when I'm not, and I don't pretend myself to be okay when not. Thanks for putting it into perspective 💛
I'm sorry you lost people because they lacked the insight to understand your feelings. What's important is that you were able to articulate your grief. It's how you will learn to accept the loss and move on.
Bingo. There are many ways to be happy. Don't dwell on that which did not happen. That was yesterday. Its not about attaining. Its about enjoying life.
Most NDE-ers say that we reincarnate, and choose to come here, and plan our lives out. So in one life you don’t get what you want, but in another life you do.
YES! And the courage to find a joy much greater than what could have come from what you wanted. Truth is life is a gamble, even our best efforts may fall far short.
Two weeks ago I tried to end this all. Yesterday I was brave enough to ask for help. Today THIS video pops up on my feed. Things happen for a reason. All I can say is THANK YOU ❤.
Glad you ended up staying - which is way harder. I sometimes think the minute-to-minute would be so much easier if we knew we only had to do it for a week or something! I think the desolation and terror come flooding in when we try to mentally live our lives in advance, with our imagined futures. We like to know where we're going, and have an imagined future where we're not alone.
I don't have any of the things I wanted either, but I forgive myself. I used to think I was an incompetent loser. It wasn't until much later in life when I realized I suffered from depression, anxiety and ptsd which took away a lot of opportunities. I'm in my 40s and I still believe I have a chance to be happy. I've managed to get a good grip on my mental issues. I'm accomplishing things now I thought I could never do. Your dreams don't have to die, they can be redesigned and recalibrated to fit your current life.
14 years ago, I was engaged to a wonderful man, was on the fast track to getting a great job with a degree and a bright future ahead of me. We planned to travel the world, go on all of these adventures and then settle down and have a family. But then he was killed in a car accident and everything fell apart. I dropped out of college, was stuck working menial jobs and just…trying to survive. My friends and family more or less abandoned me because I wasn’t moving on fast enough. Everyone says “there’s always tomorrow.” But they don’t know what it’s like to have no tomorrow to look forward to. And I am sick of the toxic positivity.
I don’t know how old you are but regardless, there is more to life than the endless grief you are trapped in. You partner that you lost wouldn’t want you to ruin the rest of your life in grief. At some point you have to get sick of feeling like crap. Essentially you died with him by not moving on. It’s the hardest thing you will ever do. But you are not dead. You don’t have to feel guilty about living. Perhaps you were meant to find your true self, and could only do it this way. ❤
@@xxThink_Againxx you think I don’t know that he wouldn’t want me to be stuck like this? I don’t think you truly understand what it’s like to lose someone you’ve wanted to marry. You don’t know what it’s like to wake up every morning and wonder if you’re going to get through the day without breaking down. You don’t know what it’s like to see your family and friends post pictures of their spouses and kids on Facebook and know that you’re not going to have the chance. You don’t know what it’s like to compare every single person you meet to your late spouse and know that you’re never going to feel the exact same feelings you felt whenever you’re around them. You don’t know what it’s like to experience various things in life and long to call your spouse just so you can talk about it…only to realize that the number has been disconnected and their voicemail erased so you can’t even hear their voice. So before you tell people that they should just carry on with their lives…perhaps consider that maybe, just maybe, they’ve lost the other part of their soul.
I’ve struggled with this type of grief since becoming disabled due to chronic illness about 20 years ago. The word “ambiguous” just seems too gentle to describe the emotional pain and inner turmoil of being alive and yet “shelved” at such an early age. I’ve tried so many times, fallen and bounced back up, but at 59, the bounce is gone. I’m fresh out of ideas and feel as though I’m just waiting around to die.
Same here. I have depression that’s treatment resistant now. I’m waiting for Ketamine to come back on the market so I can get help for it. I’ll have to wait a few more months and it’s hard to keep going.🤷
And if you try to explain it to people, they think you're asking them to tell you things will change if you just get a more positive attitude, that you just need a pep talk. Or they accuse you of whining and tell you how much worse some other people have it. Or tell you to look on the bright side or to keep your hopes up because everything could still change. People dish up lack of listening, lack of support, lack of understanding, and lack of respect (when they automatically assume you haven't tried over and over and over and over in every conceivable way, repeatedly mustering every bit of positive thinking, hope, ambition, faith, and massive effort and self belief yet STILL repeatedly failed, slammed hard into concrete time after time after time after time). No wonder people don't talk about these griefs. People seem to by and large have no genuine capacity to hear others with genuine compassion.
@@falconbritt5461 People don't seem to realize that your grief is very real and valid or that you had dreams and ambitions to make your life fulfilling and complete. They don't realize how much that meant to you. People like you and I want to grow and progress. That's the way life is supposed to be. Yet, when we merely mention how disappointed and disillusioned we are about our lives, people don't want to hear it. Too many lack empathy. Our world needs more compassion and love for one another. KNOW THAT I HEAR YOU! Thank you for sharing your story.
I feel like I understand this. My brother died when he was 23, and my parents and sister and I became very close but moved away from the rest of the family and didn't see them much over the ensuing 30 years. My sister died 3 years ago unexpectedly, when she was 44 and I was 48. She and I never married or had kids, we always spent our holidays with our parents and my mom visited often. We always considered ourselves "young at heart" with plenty of time, just two girls and their mom going on cruises and doing crafts and whatnot, and dad always there to fix things and carve the turkey. After grieving the loss of my sister, who was my best friend, I realized that my parents are now over 80 and in failing health and when they die, I will be all alone. If something happens to me, there's nobody to take care of me, I am on my own. I went into a very deep depression because of this realization. All of my friends have children and besties and life partners, and they don't understand why I can't pull out of this depression.
I've got that too. I was the first kid born in 29 years in my family and so they have died off as they were all 29 to 50 plus years older than me. I'm 37. Have an autistic son who severe enough Idk if he will ever hold a job or be able to care for himself when something happens to me. I've loaded up on life insurance money amd am paying off this house so he will at least have that.
Hello Lisa, your story touched me deeply. Thank you for sharing it. Please stay strong and find ways to have joy and believe the lie that you have to be alone. 48 is still relatively young to go and find people. Exhaust all the help you can find! Volunteer at the church, scream at God to help. I promise to pester Him everyday with my prayers for the next two weeks at least. You still have half your life to live through so make the most of it! You sound like a wonderful woman and you deserve to have a great life. I only have sisters too so reading about your sister dying struck a cord with me. She would want you to seize every moment. (Also if this is not weird, you would be surprised how many older gentlemen out there want to find a wife closer to their age). Whatever you do, don’t lose hope!
Also, I worked at an orphanage before, you would be surprised how much a little love can help those kids. Not a bad idea to volunteer. You lived a beautiful 48 years with your family, it’s not really a loss. Time for new adventures!
Thank you for mentioning being the parent of a disabled child can come with so much grieving. There’s so many layers to it though. It’s the absolute worst because I fought for him for years & years & years and we still lost. I grieve because he doesn’t get to experience the joys that other teens do. Driving, a girlfriend, first job, graduation, he doesn’t even have any friends. And even though I love my son, it affects so many parts of everyday life and any future I worked for, the relationship I wanted, the master’s degree program I had to drop out of… because I’m on this journey alone. There is NO closure
I know it probably doesn't feel similar to most, but parents of drug addicts have to grieve their losses too. There may be a chance things will resolve, but that chance is not in their hands, and that chance gets smaller and down to practically nothing over time. In the meantime, there is that adult person they cannot control, doing damage to themselves and the World. There is always the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" too and the very harsh judgement of others with no sympathy.
Wait until you recognize you are a very big reason your child is disabled....! Your Consciousness inflicted this upon his Consciousness in the womb! I guarantee you I can tell you where you've gone amiss in your life, which causes all the "issues" you accept as real...!! Wake Up to Your Infinite Omnipresence!!
It’s worth remembering that when we think back with regret, we don’t know the horror shows we might have missed by making certain choices - we tend to only think of the positives we missed.
@dr.scotteilerspsydlp529 I like that quote but had never heard of Alex, so I did some quick research. I could be wrong but he initially strikes me as a used car salesman with a snake oil side gig.
Yes. Go hear Dr. Eilers' tslk on shutting down. Aging causes you to pile up tint stresses which, like dirty dishes, overwhelm you. I think it can kill you early. If you dont stay active, your body and mibd atrophy faster. I want to die in my sleep at age 104-6, not age 70.
True at any age but at the end time speeds up as we slow down & lose touch with friends & activities. Too bad we can't have this insight & watchfulness when we are young so we can analyze & consider wisest paths, trusting our wisdom gained through trials.
Thanks for this. When you reach a certain age, you come to the painful conclusion that the dreams you have had for decades simply aren’t happening. Life’s circumstances, such as a failed marriage, health problems, conflicting goals, lost jobs leading to bankruptcy, and a simple lack of focus all contribute. It’s a mourning in your soul that all that will never be is finally gone. It’s been the worst psychological stab in my heart ever.
Holy cow. I just experienced this. At the age of 58, I realize the dream I held and nurtured my entire life was not going to happen. It really did feel like I was punched in the soul. I recognize it what was happening, grieving/mourning . It was pure hell. I got through it, but it was the most depressing,awful experience I’ve gone through in decades.
Not pretending to know what that dream was, but the way it felt strongly indicates that it might not be true for you (having to let go of dreams). The truth sets us free, it doesn't kick us in the soul!
MS is a disease that’s taken away my nursing career, ability to support myself, friends who don’t understand symptoms, energy, quality of life, etc. I’m 53, and have had MS since I was 30. Disability came quickly, causing me no choice but to retire. The life I had before this disease was fulfilling, and my energy was w/o bounds. I don’t go searching for grief, but I miss my caree, and it’s not coming back. Grieving is an ongoing process. I don’t cry everyday. I don’t think about what I’ve lost everyday, but I do cry at leaast once every two weeks.
Loss of career job us extremely difficult to accept.!! Your work & workplace is living the life you loved! Without it... the pain is unbearable!,... I feel you're Grief on this... 🙏 for you .!
I"m reading a book currently, titled "How to Heal yourself when no one else can. It's by Amy Scher.. it's helped me a great deal. This woman had a life situation similar to yours.. Keep up the fight.. Namaste
Wow,... I feel a part of you're pain. The part of loosing you're career job!. To my neighbors and even family,... they don't understand how hurt I am, not being able to continue doing my career job,.. the friends, the purpose, the structure etc. I missed it so bad, I fell into Depression and anxiety, I don't want to do anything anymore,.. and lost all interests. Take care 🎉
Being on the autism spectrum, this hit hard. I didn't know why my brain was different at the time and I thought someday, I would become this "normal" person and I would get all the love, jobs, and family I was missing. When I realized I would always be "me", this was all I get, it was so freeing yet so devastating at the same time.
Yup I'm 51 just about to be 52. Autistic and life sucks. My marriage of 30 years was all I had and we're not really getting along truth be told. I have few friends and no family to speak of and this world is slowly going to shit. YAAAAAYYYYY
I believe it was Norman Cousind who said, and I'm paraphrasing, " it is not the final death we suffer the most, it is the small deaths that occur as we live. Thank you for your input.
I had a sense of this back in childhood. People say "you can't miss what you didn't know" but this is not true. Our imagination can give us ideas that we can become attached to, and when these ideas don't materialize, the grief can be overwhelming, especially as we age, and realize our days are seriously numbered. I think hard work and staying curious are the best ways to deal with loss. When night falls and I've filled my day with hard work, whilst also feeding my curiosity about a variety of subjects, can ameliorate the sense of loss, and provide purpose. There is no time or energy left to compare myself with others.
Thanks for explaining the grief of not having something you aways wanted. I wanted a child so badly. It never happened I just couldn't get pregnant. I still feel very sad about this. It hurts badly. I am 60 years old. And the pain still lingering inside. Thanks for taking about this.
Your story could be mine (I'm 62 now). I too dreamed I'd have kids. Never happened & adoption didn't work out. Always feel a deep sadness when I am reminded of this (& pain & anger when others said we better get moving in my 30s).
Me too. 51. But I let it go. Healthier for my marriage. I was upset for a long time. Then hormones settled down and time passes. I got busy. I went back to study. So many disappointments of things I'll never experience, but I wasn't prepared to give it all my energy, time and anger. I found positive replacemnt focus. I wasn't factoring on being chosen by a young man 22 years my junior who came into my life 10 years ago to be his mentor. The connection is karmic. Absolutely meant to be a chosen mother and kindred spirit for him. We have fun together. We enjoy many similar interests and have lots in common. As strange as that sounds, I have now stopped questioning and worrying what it looks like. We are chosen family. You find other ways to do things like mothering. Acceptance of life is easier now. Sometimes there are no easy answers. You just gotta roll with what life throws you and find comfort in the small and simple joys. Wallowing sucks my energy. I try not to dwell. I live in the now and only short term plan because by 51 it took me this long to learn that life happens while you're planning it, and all the best plans usually don't go to plan, so best thing is to live it to the full with as much positivity you can muster. There is little that is secure or guaranteed. Bad health also taught me that. Along with serious surgery that really shook me. Life is so short. I won't spend time crying over things that were obviously not meant to be.
I remember the day I realized it WAS too late. Been a changed man ever since. No life partner, no kids, no dream job, no life. While some small elements of those things could be realized, there’s still a mourning of the big picture that wasn’t and won’t be. And in many ways it feels like I won’t have a chance at changing who I’m being and where I’m going until I deal with that grief. Really appreciate the comments down below here.
Thank you 🙏🏻 The hardest part of grieving a dream is letting go of the desire to chase it. It’s done, I’m not physically able to do it and no amount spent on manifesting tutorials will magically pop it into existence.
It sucks when the body limits what you can do. There's a lot I wanted to do but will never be able to. "manifesting tutorials" .... That sound like 'attitude adjustment'. One thing I've learned in my life is that attitude by itself does nothing. It takees so much energy to stay calm and polite when people suggest it does.
Manifesting - it’s a pernicious, exploitative *industry* that promises that magical thinking works magic. Everyone involved in it should be up on fraud charges. But it is also poison to personal morality, somehow: because its inverse is to say to people, “You who don’t have a child / wealth / a place on the team / your cancer cured - you just didn’t try hard enough, or tried the wrong way.”
When my husband died, it took away my entire future and my children's futures. sometimes the grief I have for the loss of the father who should have been in their lives feels like this bottomless black void. It's been irrevocably stolen from them and it grinds my heart to dust.
I am a therapist in Texas, and I really want to thank you for this video. Not only do I see this ambiguous grief with my clients, I’ve also had tremendous ambiguous grief in my own life. And you’re right… Nobody really understands the difference between the two types of grief, nor do they understand that this type of grief is actually more difficult to deal with. I would say for me… it is more painful. I’m going to send your video to my colleagues and family. Thanks for what you’re doing in the world!
not just parents of disabled, but we disabled persons get crushed to realize that we just are not allowed to realize our potential and there are some things we will never be some of the things we imagined for ourselves.
Mar 26, 2024 i found this and didn't even know how much i needed this... my heart hurts so friggin bad.... i feel like I've been grieving my whole life... i want out of it, but i can't seem to figure my way out... it hurts so bad i can't even breathe..... God, please help me.....
Thank you for talking about this. I'm Indian, and my mom manipulated and coerced me into the medical profession. I had always wanted to be an engineer. After 6 years of medical school, I knew I couldn't go back and change things, it was too late, I grieved the loss of a dream.
I've never heard anyone talk about this before. You just gave me understanding of the deep sadness I have felt when realizing my dream will never come true.
Dr. Scott... I don't even know how to thank you for what you do. Today, is my 70th birthday and I'm grieving not having been the world famous author I dreamed of being. I wrote two books that went nowhere and now it's time to let go and to have that ceremony. I also suffer from severe freeze issues; I can't even function when I'm overwhelmed. I truly believe that you were sent to help people like me. I found you by accident, in a very low moment and I cannot express my gratitude for this gift. Please know the good you are doing for those like me; you are needed and appreciated. You tell it like it is and help us feel much better about so many things in us. Again thank you and many blessings.
Oh Miss Lillian... Thank you. They are labours of love and pain, and keep us somewhat sane. Do keep writing what your heart tells you to. Even if it's only for you. God bless... Dee
I also found this article very moving. And I am just reading your story. I found DR Scott Eilers you tube page yesterday. My husband and I have a similar story. Ours was in the music business. We are producers and musicians and songwriters. I have dedicated my life to my piano and writing and singing. There were three albums released through CBS and WEA. We were totally dedicated and honestly at the time thought we were on the road to true success. We worked and pushed so hard but after dedicating over 40 to 50 years each we had to stop and take measure. I felt it start to destroy my soul. I went through a bad patch sometime ago along with my husband. I felt the dream slipping away, and had to come to terms things were not going to happen the way I planned. I hope you are a little uplifted. You are not alone. And you know it’s nothing to do with your talent. There really isn’t any true justice and it does come down to luck and timing. Being in the place at the right time and knowing the right people has a lot to do with things. So please take heart, and write anyway. I am about to go on my piano and just write. No one can take that away. It’s in your soul. Xxx
Keep writing! JRR Tolkien was rejected again and again and again. He quite possibly was the greatest author I've ever read. Major publishers turned him down on the Hobbit and LOTR trilogies numerous times. And now look... he's probably the most famous, well known and well loved author of all time. I also love to write, and I've even written several entire books. When I was 17, my dad made me throw all of my books, poems and other writing in the fire. I watched them burn and my hope along with it. Years later, I decided to take up writing again. Again, I wrote a few more books. Then my husband (now ex) dragged them all out (I had a plastic, waterproof tub that I kept my books and rough drafts in to protect them).. Anyway, he was mad so he took all of my writing, artwork, etc outside, took the lid off the tub and filled it with water. I didn't know he had done this until it was too late. Now, at 62, I've started over again. I have one book complete, several others in progress/rough draft form. I'm still working on them while trying to format one book for Amazon publishing. I will never give up. And don't you either!
“Dreams that are shattered, May not have mattered. Take another point of view.” -Ozzy Osbourne Those lines I keep telling myself when trying to deal with the loss of a career as a vocalist. I chose to set aside the drama for a family and thought someday I would go back to it. The kids grew up and cast me and their Mom out of their lives and the vocalist career never happened. So basically, it was a loss of my deepest, most true dream for nothing. I am now 59 and still trying to find a career to replace the dream. I never thought my life would become a tragedy. Ty for explaining that it is alright to feel sad. If not for this video, I might have just chalked up my feelings to insanity.
"The kids grew up, and cast me, and their mom out of their lives." --- I'm 59, and I feel THAT. I had to stop wearing my "Mother's Ring" because I could not be constantly reminded of the fact that they don't care. I had to take my power back, and not allow motherhood to be weaponized against me. They are free to do as they choose, but I have the same freedom to live in peace.
You know, it's so tricky, because my midlife crisis involved becoming aware that the version of myself in my head that was larger than life - a famous musican, a noted scholar, a thrower of regular dinner parties, a "perfect" mother...when I realized that version in my head was just dreamstuff and not the real life I was actually living, my brain and heart broke. I realized that I'd been "future faking" and moving towards this glorious future that was more like a child's daydreams rather than concrete achievable adult goals. It was very humbling and to realize this and I felt a lot of shame and embarrassment when I realized I had been overlying this groovy sexy cool movie version of my life, that existed only in my head, on top of mundane reality. I don't think it was grandiose so much as youthful pizzazz and hope. But I just never thought that my hope and fantasizing would ever end. Until this epiphany, I had comported myself with so much swagger. I "felt" like the version of myself in my head, and I had confidence, direction and motivation that was derived from my belief in myself as that version in my mind. When midlife hit me and I realized I was getting more tired, more weary, more achy, more chubby -- when aging really starting to kick my ass -- I found the dreams dying. I tried to fight this for awhile. I drank pretty heavily for awhile, attempting to stay "happy" and hold onto those youthful feelings of potential and possibilities. Here's the rub - it was the belief in that ephemeral dreamstuff, those idealistic hopes that allowed me to function at a high level and experience motivation and joy for as long as I did. Now the question is, from the disillusioned, depleted, wounded, bedraggled, humbled place I am at right now, is it possible to readjust and find new dreams that are actually still attainable? Or at least activities and hobbies that bring joy, if not acclaim? Do I have the energy or the faith to make these adjustments? This is the challenge before each of us.
I think every great dream has to be one that can be changed to fit in to our reality. Life is not a fixed, concrete thing. Dreams shouldn't be, either. Eat the meat of your dreams. The parts of it you can do, go for it. If it's a bone, toss it out! ❤
Well, i suppose you guarantee that no aspect of them will ever materialise. I often wonder how differently we'd all function if we didn't know how old we were, without the received beliefs of others based on that age, and with no attachment to the outcome of the things we do. In other words, think the way children do - without limitations and doing everything just for fun.@@willowsmom5757
Living with chronic pain. 24/7. Grieving the losses of all that can no longer be done, or achieved, or trying to do things & suffering in more pain for it. It's overwhelming.
There are many of us in this boat. I know exactly how you feel because this is my reality! Can no longer function the way I want to, unable to do what I would like to, most of my day is spent trying to limit my pain. It is a constant struggle to put on a brave face the only thing that keeps me going is I'm not a quitter, sometimes I wonder why. Stay Strong.
I've had several dreams of how my life was supposed to be. Approaching 70 I look around and wonder what happened. Friends tell me to let go of the past, great times ahead but I feel frozen in time. Thank you for naming this. And helping make sense of why i find it so hard to create a new life when i know there are few years left. I'm starting today with laundry and walking my dog. You are a gift! Thank you.
Grandma Moses began painting at 78 just for fun....you might think of adopting an old dog some heartless person dumped at the shelter. I love PG Wodehouse and dreamed I might get a companion for my dog and went out and did it...a 12 year old Aussie I named PG. Bless you... somebody needs you or you wouldn't be here.
I’d like to add an additional issue when dealing with ambiguous grief. All the motivational & self help speakers and books. You know, the “don’t think you can’t reach that goal, think of a different way to reach that goal”. Or being told if you had more positive energy, good things would “manifest” for you. Or “you’re not hungry enough “ It puts some people in an even worse depression. I’m 61, had goals and dreams from childhood (music and fine art), and never achieved what I thought I would. Not in a family life, not in a career, not financially. Then I looked into self help and positive manifestation literature, but it left me feeling it was my fault because I didn’t try hard enough, or I wasn’t positive enough. It ended up leaving me feeling like a failure…which put me in an even worse depression.
Toxic positivity is called that for a reason. There's a great YT video on it. One of the errors about toxic positivity is that it ignores the real world that exists outside the person. The overwhelming majority of life activities require other people to do their jobs. If they don't, whatever is supposed to happen will not happen even if you do everything you are supposed to do. A friend once took me to task for thinking it was all about me when I'm reality it wasn't . she reminded me that if I've done all I was supposed to do the failure is NOT mine. End of story. The trick is to grieve the loss while remembering it does not reflect on you as a person, no matter what other people say.
Dr., this is the first time I have felt validated about the grief I feel about not having children, not staying married and multiple death losses. My family just tells me to decide to be happy and you will be. Thank you for this video and thank you for acknowledging what you call ambiguous grief.
"Just decide to be happy and you will be" I'm familiar with that kind of reality denial. I'll skip the boring details, but I've had probably two dozen professionals over the years tell me that when you have a person insists for years/decades something is 'fine' when it clearly isn't OR insists it can be overcome by attitude adjustment when it clearly can't, there's little that even the best professionals can do to orient the person to reality. I need to accept I can't do anything about people who insist that clearly visible, physical issues are psychosomatic. It's their reality detachment, not mine and I'm not to take any ownership or responsibility. I don'teknow if this helps or not.
Anyone who starts advice with 'Just...' either has never been in your shoes, or doesn't understand who you are. My best friend who is 74 told me that there's no such thing as 'just' - his advice will always help me to be discerning on giving advice on my own as well as other's circumstances
wow, you said it! there is no "just"! when faced with intense caregiving, plus keeping a home, plus a full time job, lots of people (who had significantly more time, and more money and more support in their lives) told me to "just" ...just hire someone, just take time for yourself, just say no to the needs of the ill family member...so many were convinced it was all my choice and all i had to do was just.... @@magnetdesignandadver
This discussion addresses just what I went through several years ago. I owned a gardening business for about 12 years. I absolutely loved the gardening aspect, lucked out by having mostly great employees and clients, but I was terrible at being an effective businessperson. As a result, we lost $180k and filed for bankrupcy. I felt like a total failure. When I started my business, it was my second career. I thought that I had finally found my calling. I was in the best mood when I had my hands in the dirt. When it failed, I was convinced that the best part of my life was over. I grieved not just the loss of the business but also my reason for living. So what's the point of going forward? I didn't want to die. I just didn't care about living. It only got better when I opened myself up to the idea that maybe it was the creative part of designing and installing beautiful gardens (and helping to share my appreciation of Mother Nature with clients and employees) was the important part. I've always been a crafty person, so I found a variety of projects that give me the same feeling of creating something beautiful. I believe that is what my life's purpose truly is. And there will always be more to create. Maybe the best is yet to come, after all.
We have a parallel philosophy. I always encourage people to stay active. Build something, paint something, even dumpster dive and restore something. Stay active, there's free or cheap productive things to do if they look for it.
I never had words to what I’ve been feeling the last few years and now I go. I wanted a child and the realization that it’s never going to happen pushed me deeper into depression. I didn’t know this kind of feeling was an actual thing. No one talks about it.
Just went through recognizing the loss of a dream. At 66 it happens frequently. This needs to be told pre retirement to everyone! The one thing you didn't mention was the birth of new dreams. It's never too late to adjust your dreams to fit your current circumstances. Difficult, yes. Impossible no. I went from a pottery studio to watercolor because of space and finances. I will take everything I learned from one facet of my life and apply it to another. It isn't starting over, it's just furthering the journey.
that's not always possible, the career that I worked so hard at so that I could eventually have my own home with a small garden has initiated pay cuts every six months from last year. Then I was diagnosed with cancer and I'm having to work while going through chemotherapy because I'm barely paying my rent as it is. I'm past middle age, with no family no spouse and no children. I have to accept that I have nothing and I will die with nothing.
I see your point, Sweetwaterfarms2928 -in fact did that ten years ago at age 70, by going back to work, learning a new skill, and loved every minute. But at 80, and with ill health now, thoughts jump up and create a world of can't do it anymore. That is what age has to do with this topic. * Or in the case of the other comment by peaceofmyhearthomested4611, when devastating illness takes hold of life, the vista changes. The ideal and the reality sometimes just don't work out, and, the sadness of dreams fade into the realm of depression. But, I agree, if possible, look for new dreams. Because in the searching them out, you may find one that works, and fits your life, which can help bring hope back. Your ideal is great to inspire looking outwards for a new dream, because much of this is about thoughts we are dealing with. 🥀🌻
Please don't take this the wrong way, but we are all only renters here, and we all die with nothing. I am sorry about the cancer and the work, it has to be rough. Do you have any bit of inside space to put a few pretty pots where you can grow something? Maybe some hardy herbs that you can put under a grow light so you can tend them, touch and smell their fragrance? Mint, dill, rosemary, basil, oregano? So there is little work to care for them, but you still have the joy of tending growing things? Just a pretty little kitchen herb garden? I did that with my art as through the years my career was destroyed. I went to a tiny 8"x10" easel, then trading cards and watercolor and colored pencils. Then I quit. Ten years later I now have real studio space, but I'm afraid that if I get it all finally set up, everything will be ripped away from me again. My grief from all the prior loss is huge. But even when I worked tiny, I still lost myself in the joy of creation. I have to make peace yet again with the grief. I wish for you peace and blessings.
@@roughroadstudio I'm too sick to care for anything. I've had to rehome my dog, all of my chickens and my gardens have all died. i'll be homeless by the beginning of the year, as I've been too sick to work as well. It takes 90 days to be evicted. I'm not sure how long it will take before they repossess my car.
This video is incredibly affirming. I will never forget the wave of loss and grief that hit me when in my early twenties I realized that it was literally too late for me to ever have a childhood best friend because I was no longer a child, and hadn’t been one for some time. It was something I grew up watching my sibling have, and that I’d spent almost my entire life up to that point hoping and dreaming that I would have someday. I didn’t know what to call it, but my grief over the loss of that dream was so profound that it made me very aware of how much it can hurt when our dreams die.
Don't feel bad about that. I had a "childhood friend" for 44 years, and when she betrayed my trust and caused me harm and distress, I realized she had never heard, felt, or seen me. It was like a death after I ended it. But there was never any substance to it to begin with. So now, no regrets. I am a hermit now.
This is simply and devastatingly….regret. Remorse is regret for things you have done but worse is coming to terms with regret for things you did not do. You can call it ambiguous grief if you like but it is grief for chances and opportunities missed or not taken. We all suffer regrets. I never aimed for love and now it is too late. Whatever you missed out on, it is still regret.
Wow. Thank you So much... for saying this. I needed to hear what you've explained. 🙌 Reget for things I did, and didn't do... The guilt and grief are unbearable to me.. I couldn't handle... Completely devastating is Correct. I hope you're okay? 🙌
@@klanderkal Like you, you deal with it or you break. Sometimes you actually have to break BEFORE you can understand, accept and move on. Growing and developing as a full human being, means accepting our missteps ….and moving on through. The positive side is that if we face ourselves , we find the courage to carry on. We all, every one of us, eff up at some point or another. Does it help if I quote Kierkegaard? Life can only be lived forwards but understood backwards. So I try direct compassion towards myself too! I was who I was then. No amount of regret can change that. Only acceptance.
@lindastormonth4764 Thank you ❤️... zi really appreciate those kind words, and the encouragement. 🫶 .... I haven't been able to accept. I hurt so badly with regret. I know, it's the past, nothing can change what happened, I can't get my job back... but, it's so destroyed me. I just can't find away to let it go. I ruminate on so many mistakes foolish decisions . I just hate myself and the consequences of my stupidity. I've destroyed what makes me, ME. I have severe depression now. I nolonger enjoy doing anything I used to. And lost the want to live anymore. I wish I could Snap-Out of this negative downward spirle. You are Strong.! ... I need to somehow survive 🙏 how can I do this?... Thank you 🙏for helping me. 🙌💕 KaL.
Only just found your channel, and your insights go beyond training, at 80 years of age, this video will hit some marks for sure. Two years of shut in from pandemic, age and health issues are thieves, that we of age will never get back. Isolation and age, left dreams unopened. But, your many video's hold answers to minutes of life left, and thank you, Dr. Scott Eilers.
@@DrScottEilersIt’s difficult to express, on a public platform, just how much this video has touched my life. I’ve been in an extreme situation for several years searching for the key to understanding myself. Your solution made something click on in my brain. There aren’t enough words to express my gratitude for this knowledge. So, thank you.
I know several people in their 80s and 90s who have said just this- being 'shut in' for most of 2 years, restricted access to family and friends and many cancelled medical/dental apointments (none considered essential but at that age all important) have resulted in people who were still mentally and physically reasonably fit and able to enjoy life being sadly restricted in their last years. As one 90 year old said to me 'I'd rather take my chance and live normally, after all I have to die of something, rather than cower at home' going nowhere, doing nothing, seeing no-one.
I'm 52 and I've given my dream of home ownership and having a partner. Sometimes I feel like it's the worst grief I've felt. I'm going to try the idea of having a funeral for both! Hopefully it will allow me to let go and move forward. Thank you for shining a light into this dark spot.
I’m in the same boat but most of the time I see couples that make me glad I’m single . Marriage is not all it’s cracked up to be . And the globalists want to take away property ownership so who cares if we are still renting . Do we really own it ? You can’t take it with you 😊
You can move on and still keep the dream alive. You're only 52. You can still meet the person of your dreams and have a wonderful relationship. I say this because I met my partner when I was older and we are still together 5 years later. You can have new dreams and keep your options open at the same time. Being alone has many perks as well. Hang in there! ❤
This hit home with me deeply. I realized when I turned 40 that I was never going to marry or have kids and grandkids. I felt as if I was on the outside looking in and "everyone else" was getting all their dreams fulfilled and I was left behind to rot. Now that I'm way older, I just wish I had that age 40s knowledge in my 20s. I would have given up a lot sooner and would have quit hoping. Hope, once lost, dries up the soul IMO. I've been depressed most of my life and there's nothing much I can do about it but it does seem somewhat better now that I'm in my 60s. The world sucks in many respects and I've come to realize that you can't always get what you want. And....there isn't someone for everyone. Many of us were meant to be alone and lonely and that's that. Grieve about it and then move on.
I understand how you feel. I thought there would be a chance, but now I know that the prospect of finding a partner is impossible now, even while I'm still in my 20s. There isn't someone for everyone, as you said; I just wish I've given up sooner too.
Yes. I awakened to the fact that I will never completely overcome/change/transform the trauma effects once and for all. I'm about 70 and I thought the work would be finished and life would be grand. I'm still dogged, one layer at a time. Vitality is dwindling.
Omg when I realized I would never have children 😢Yes I’m grieving the loss of my never babies and it is a gut punch of loneliness. It keeps attacking Out of the blue. Thank you for acknowledging this for us.
Awesome content. The day I accepted a 180 paradigm shift and had to let go a dream that was never to be, is the day I lost the ability to see in color for three months, and had apathy for at least 4 years. This type of grief can be the most dangerous I believe. And I very much enjoyed your thoughtful presentation that shines a light upon this subject.
I’m 40 years old and I feel like I understand what you’re saying. When I was about 25, I went through a horrendously painful experience that permanently changed the course of my life. I trudged through about 10 years of deep, dark, lingering depression. Then, somehow, I broke free. It seemed to have happened only after I completely gave up on my hopes and dreams and stopped caring what became of me. It’s funny and sounds strange but I relied on my imagination to conjure up the feelings of things that I wanted in my life (but didn’t really care if I got them or not). And, oddly, each of those things actually came into my life in the form of real-life things or experiences. The combination of a carefree attitude and vivid imagination seem to have really worked for me. I feel like I’ve conquered something.
My experience was similar. Happiness eventually somehow crept up on me. And grew. And grew. In a sense, letting go of everything was the catalyst for change.
This is the poem I created for myself: "Nothin' but a dreamer, livin' without a dream. Like a poet without a poem. And a singer without a song. Life just passes me by, while I keep on dreamin' on."
I'm reminded of part of the Tyler Durden speech in Fight Club "We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off." We have no "meaning" there's just "distraction" it's all there is. - and then we loose even our pseudo meanings distraction "hopes and dreams", empty and worthless as they are.
I am 62 and my physical body is finally showing signs of breaking down. My ambiguous grief comes from the death of my physical strength and vigor of my younger years. I am ok with aging and that I may not have done some things in my life that I thought I might do, but for some reason my physical body breaking down has just devastated me. I have always been able to handle setbacks in my life and keep plowing ahead, but it is taking everything I have to power through this grief I am feeling right now.
Thank you so much for your video! I'm fifty, but I realized about five years ago that the reason that I read crying uncontrollably everyday wasn't simply depression but because I was in mourning for my life. Not that I really did anything about it. I'm still just wasting away my existence. I'm not sure what a ritual would look like or even if it would matter. Therapy and medication were kind of a joke. Still, your video helped me to understand that I'm not the only one who feels this way. ❤
Google served this video to me this morning and it hit me in my very soul. I spent 2 years in grief therapy with a LCSW and this never came up. The death of my dream hit me so hard that I immediately buried it and it wasn’t acknowledged in any way. It has devastated my life since then. I will hold a ceremony for it now. Thank you for this immensely important video. I feel that you are touching a great many lives with it. 🙏🏻☮️❤️
Same here. 🥰
Life coach Iyanla Vanzaant said, “Feelings, buried alive, never die.”
THIS is how I feel about my career in the film business in an incredibly misogynistic embedded field . 30 years of men I work with, with protected privileged nepotism
backgrounds, and historic relationships with powerful creatives. I have worked with around and through this issue for 30 years . Trapped under the glass ceiling, in a pool of depression now feeling like I’m drowning. Being ignored- and feeling that jealous competition from people who should be lifting you up , but teaming up with others likeminded to bring you down, and sometimes sabotaging you to get you fired. I love what I do, and hoped to be a gaffer or lighting designer . In films - I’m not exaggerating- there are 15 female gaffers . And typically under 100 . Woman who are in my union of set Lighting Technicians in Hollywood, out of a membership of 2500 people in our workforce.
Hardly any female directors of photography. On the occasions I do get to work with strong talented woman, they get less resources, and less authority to keep our work safe, essentially setting woman up to fail by undermining their leadership. I would love to add we have come along way since the beginning of my career, but that unreachable place is a painful reality.
He definitely is. In the first video of his that I saw, he validated my feelings of passive suicidal ideation that I thought were unique to only me. What a relief I felt. It's helped me begin to look it square in the face. One week after that, I got a new therapist and told her about it almost immediately. Just having a name for it somehow made me feel freer and lighter.
True for me as well, but I found out about it after being forced to retire early. Now, just a picture of a middle-class home and surroundings is enough to start me off wanting to cry at the loss. Can't explain it any more than that. It feels like just more weakness on my part, somehow.
Thank you for acknowledging this. I get so sick of hearing people say "it's never too late!" Enough of toxic positivity. Sometimes it really is too late, sometimes we have missed our window of opportunity and we just have to mourn that loss.
Perfect.
I've learned silence is better than catchy affirmations. People do have good intentions for the best though.
This is so true.
Another one is "Never give up", well sometimes you have to know when you're on the Titanic.
Thank you! Yes! It is too late! I've never thought of that term "toxic positivity!"
People still telling me to go back to school at 66 to become a nurse. Something I always wanted to do but never found the time, living on my own and working shitty paying jobs. Just couldn't figure out how to do it. But here are people with that toxic positivity telling me "it's never too late!"
YES IT IS TOO LATE!!!
I’ve known about this for a long time. Soren Kierkegaard once said ,”the most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly one you can never have”.
That is an incredible statement.
Maybe ones dreams need to be reorganized, and redspun. That's why I feel in love with Buddhism
ALL LIFE IS SUFFERING! Getting that out of the way helps to be realistic.
Wouldn’t Buddhism tell you to not have dreams? Dreams are desires, and desires creates suffering. Wouldn’t Buddhism tell you to simply exist and accept?
@@zacky7572
I think so. I sort of try to borrow a lot from Buddhism.
ouch, this hurts.
I'm 70 years old. Everyone close to me is dead. My favorite dog is dead. Nothing in my life turned out as I planned. A few things went well, a whole bunch didn't. I've lived a life that isn't pleasant to look back on. And that is entirely been my responsibility. As a student of Stoicism, I've learned that this moment is all there really is. But being human, I do look back sometimes with a mixture of shame and regret.
The dream of a better future stems from not having resolved the pain of our past: the root of bitterness. As you say realising our hope of better future lost. Our midlife crisis is to face and resolve the pain of our past to find Peace to live in the present: the present is a gift. The influence of Grace to learn to be content inwardly. "One thing I do, forgetting what's behind, I press on..." Unconditional Love and forgiveness causes us to rejoice and change inwardly. "The Love of Christ compels us to be reconciled to God." "He is near the poor and broken hearted."
When my father died at 59/cancer (23 years ago now) he told me on his deathbed he had no regrets. He did live a full life but (little did he know) I lived a life full of regrets. I have tried to make changes so I could go forward without regrets but it hasn’t quite worked out that way, but I did learn to be more thankful and appreciate the little things more. The little things help a lot. I hope you find some enjoyment in the time remaining. Peace and joy to you.
I’m actually grieving for my life before this severe panic/anxiety, depression and agoraphobia hit like a ton of bricks paralyzing me. I want my life back. I have a lot of physical conditions now too. My physical health has definitely suffered through the past 10 years.
I worked in medical sales and hospital administration and loved my jobs and interacting with people. My children who are all grown now with their own families. And I’ve grieved the empty nest and my children are 40, 38 and 26 all have successful careers too.
I’ll stop here but I’m enjoying your channel and look forward to your vlogs. Thank you 😊
@@starrperry6395 SP, you should copy and paste this into the main comments instead of as a response to someone else's comment. I hope you find your way out of your severe situation and find your joy again. I'm working on it as well after losing my husband of 35 years 2-1/2 years ago and then 6 other close friends and family members. I always had depressive issues but it is all getting too much. I am just trying to appreciate the little things I have left to find joy in and it is helping. All the best to you and your loved ones. /k
We’re here to learn, Jack. It wasn’t about you. What did you learn?
I remember the day I realized that "someday" is gone. Worse than grieving human loss, as a piece of myself is truly dead.
❤️
I still hold on to it. Can't even watch the video. Who knows maybe someday the day will come. At least for somebody else
Pink Floyd lyrics I have long identified with: "The child has grown, the dream is gone; I have become comfortably numb."
I wish I _could_ become comfortably numb. . .
This is so true. I've become more and more dead inside the older that I get.
I feel that every damn day. Not a day goes by where I feel like life hasn't passed me by and I've failed in everything.
My son's teacher played that song at his funeral. Great song!
@@zxyatiywariii8 nope. No sex, no fun, no relationships. You lose all internal mechanisms for fun and even journal conversation. You just wanna isolate and die or take over the world, cause that's all that's left you're dead inside legot 😂
Thank you. I am 58 and I don't know what I really grieving for. I just feel my life has passed me by.
I can totally relate. I hope you find new dreams x
I am 58 also. And the last four years of my life have beat me down so much. I have given up on all of my dreams and so-called bucket list of things I wanted to do before I die. I do lately feel like there is a chance I will pull out of this depression and enjoy life again more than I don't. I have a bad habit of holding on to all the bullshit. And taking for granite anything good that happens.
It is said that when we find ourselves in this position, we should strive to let go of the world and focus on our inner self. I am 59 and only now look and become aware of those things I thought would happen. Read some philosophy or like u did fill your mind with useful things made only for u. You will recognize the words, and you will find comfort in all these losses. I think from here on out loss will try to take the wheel. F*c# that. Peace to u and those u love.❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
At 57 I began also down this path of grief and had no clue what I was dealing with. It seems like depression yes, but it is a true grief. Is the common in women at this age more than men?
@@reereekennedy3211I’m 46 and am probably Autistic. I feel similarly.
However, I have learned to value peace.
Came across this by accident, started listening, and with the words "...basically feels like you are grieving the loss of an alternate universe version of yourself that is never going to be allowed to exist... " my eyes started to tear up. Suddenly I feel like what I've been feeling has been identified.
Same here.
I'm sorry you feel it too.
Me too❤
I feel this as well
I've had the same view of my own life. It seems outrageous that that alternate Universe isn't the actual one. I've thought of trying to write a memoir of the life I never had. It wouldn't be a fantasy. It would be realistic. But it would be much less awful than my reality.
We shared the tears.
That was a moment of shared healing from being heard. No small thing. We're definitely 'not alone'. We're here. x
It frustrates me so much when doctors or therapists dismiss my feelings of grief over something I hoped for, but never had. It feels like gaslighting when they won't acknowledge dreams as important too.
They probably can't face their own.
Yes, something you hoped for and sometimes that thing was right there in front of you and you could taste it but it slipped through your fingers never to be seen again. That is grief. Grief over a loss. A dream that never comes to fruition is a great loss 😔😓
The dream of a better future stems from not having resolved the pain of our past: the root of bitterness. As you say realising our hope of better future lost. Our midlife crisis is to face and resolve the pain of our past to find Peace to live in the present: the present is a gift. The influence of Grace to learn to be content inwardly. "One thing I do, forgetting what's behind, I press on..." Unconditional Love and forgiveness causes us to rejoice and change inwardly. "The Love of Christ compels us to be reconciled to God." "He is near the poor and broken hearted."
@@Ray-q6d4w What if you don’t have any dreams anymore?
@@Ray-q6d4w platitude, platitude, platitude.
As a person who had a spinal cord injury (shot in the back and paralyzed) and became a quadriplegic at 20 years old, I feel like I know a lot about ambiguous grief.
Wow" I'm so sorry to hear that.hope your doing okay :)
Not what you planned, not what you chose. Most people will never be able to understand your constant disappointments and daily mental and physical struggles. Love and prayers to you on your journey.
I bet you do and God bless you.
Are there things you've found that you feel passionate about in that time?
I know that sounds simplistic, but sometimes thinking about the things we felt passionate about as kids (like art, reading, animals, music) and spending time delving into one of them.
And how do you deal with it ?
I saw it first hand in one of my closest friend due to illness (so no other human involved) and eventually after many years she didn't make it physically. I assume the battle phase and the one were the results are clear and constant have their own challenges and that's often maybe overlooked by others. The outside is often on board during drama, but not the silent drama.
OMG 😢, my apologies for your suffering. Ambiguous grief is real. I've been in it for the last 20-plus years. Hugs 🫂 and love ❤️ to you.
I am a 62-year-old woman, and when I stopped grieving the life, I thought I would have, and started living the life that I do have I realized how wonderful it really is!
Life can really be a shit hole! Hopefully it’ll change soon but probably won’t. Wow, I’m so positive.
Beautifully said
DREAM or NIGHTMARE
One question, do you pay rent?
I am truly happy for you, debiulmer. I will get there. Thank you for the encouraging words 💗
It's good to finally have a name for this anguish in my soul. I am a 63-year-old childless widow. Infertility is so very cruel. For all the years that my husband and I tried to have children, I emotionally went through a funeral every month when I learned that I was still not pregnant. Then I hit menopause about 10 years early, only worsening my heartache as I learned my dream of being a mother was gone forever. Only my own sweet mother seemed to understand my hurt, and now she's gone, too. Literally no one else understands the pain I feel as I face old age alone, with no children or grandchildren to love -- or to love me. Now maybe I can work on this ambiguous grief. Thank you.
You are absolutely not alone. I understand your pain.
You're never alone if you're always on the lookout for ways to be of help to others. I'm your age and similar situation, but have focussed more on looking outward rather than inward at my sorrows. This, and a great thankfulness for all the things I *do have* has made my life full and interesting, with enough friends and acquaintances to provide an important sense of belonging. Find ways to make a difference to others, that is the secret. Joy comes to fill those moments that were spent on *why me* thoughts. Life is meant to be a daring adventure, or it's nothing (Helen Keller). It's up to you to decide which kind of life YOU will create - your choice can change everything for the better.
🙏
@@pipfox7834 Great advice to look outward. 🙏
I am a single mom of three. My ex husband abandoned me and our kids. I hurt so much for my kids because they deserved to have a dad. I just wanted to tell you, there are so many single moms out there who have kids but nobody to share them with. My kids, aside from me and my aging parents, have nobody. You could be family to someone like me and my kids. It hurts being so isolated and not having others who can know, love and appreciate my kids with me. I know it isn't the same as having your own babies. ❤️❤️ I can only explain from my perspective. how much value I would gain from someone like you just caring. Family doesn't have to be blood. And you still have the ability to have so much influence and value in some kid's life. Also, (again, I know it isn't the same) have you considered adoption? I can't imagine how much an adopted child would appreciate the opportunity to grow up in a safe, loving family with parents who genuinely wanted them. Some of the people I consider the best parent material (and most compassionate and caring) cannot have children and I believe they were meant to sow their love much further than a small family of their own. When you have your own family your sights are narrowed, sometimes you are consumed with stress and survival. You don't have extra to "share". Don't think because you don't have your own that your impact is wasted. You might have such a vital role to play in a child's life at some point. ❤❤❤
You are spot on! I get sick and tired of people say when one door closes,another one opens:that new door never opened for me
Good Day. However, if you don't die, then, each new day IS a "New Door", in it's own way. Kinda. I almost gave up once. Atleast, for me, I'm glad that I didn't. (atleast- should be one word. Fire should be spelt Fier. Lower case i looks better to me than I when referring to Myself.)
Peace and Best Regards.
They forgot to add that the door that closed is the only one in the room you are in.
@@Thenogomogo-zo3un Yes. I see your point. Thank You.
Exactly! Thank you. A "new door" never opened for me either. They've all shut me out and locked in my face.
"when one door closes another one opens, but these hallways suck!"
Several years ago after a major disappointment in my family, I realized “Life is the dying of dreams continually”. We all have expectations in life that don’t come to fruition.
I think there’s a lot of truth in this video, but I don’t like how it’s emboldened a lot of useless negativity in the comment section. The truth is, life is neither good nor bad, it just is. It’s true that if one was shielded of life’s vicious sides when young or on the other hand, chose to escape into a dream world, to tolerate a reality to painful to experience, then facing reality can be a kick to the stomach. Perhaps dreams per se are more often than not quite damaging. Why? Because they’re abstract, grandiose and all too often, impossible. But aspiration has always been a core part of being human and a driver of progress. So, I think the key to a fulfilling life, whatever cards your dealt, is to kill off the big grandiose dreams and instead focus on the little things, the little incremental and realistic ambitions. Ok, I can’t have biological kids of the exact gender or description I was hoping. What about adopting? Or being around kids in other ways, helping kids in need etc. Ok, I might not be the CEO of a multinational corporation. What about my current job, is it the best I can hope for? The answer to this is almost always no, even if the progress may only be incremental. Of course quitting one’s job, pursuing a different career or asking for a promotion are all hard, exponentially so the older you get, but not impossible. Ok, I might never look like Brad Pit, does that mean I would not look and feel a lot better if I ate a healthier diet? And so on.
I think people should kill their dreams and instead ask, what action or habit, that I could realistically do, right now, would make my life exponentially better. And then pursue that.
Judith Viorst called the dying of dreams “necessary losses” which I always appreciated because it reframes the grief as a necessary step to greater wisdom, humility (which is a GOOD thing…”right-sizing” oneself) and compassion.
It's because you believe you know what's best for you, rather than leaving it to Infinite, Incorporeal, Omnipresent Consciousness, or God if you will...!
The dying of dreams and the unlearning of crap. But every day is still beautiful…
Two gems of wisdom handed down to me by my grandfather... happiness is not having what you want but wanting what you have. And life is not what you make it but how you take it.
As a baby boomer and not in the best of health what I feel like I am grieving is the loss of a phrase - ‘and the best is yet to be’. That has kept me going so many times during my life but I know that now the best has already been. It cuts me to my core.
So true, my goodness how I can relate ☜ (↼_↼)
I'm going through this right now. I've never felt so helpless.
😢🙏
I feel exactly the same way. We can no longer say to ourselves things will get better or something better will come along. It is so confronting.Up till now that's how we've lived our life.
I feel exactly the same. 68 years old don’t care if I live or die any more. A terrible way to feel about your last years.
I'm 50. I always dreamed of being a successful person when I came to this age: happily married, with kids and a good job I like to go to. I failed at everything. All my siblings have that, and I'm the only one in the family who derailed. And it hurts back every now and again. I suppose that being the failure of the family is a burden heavier than I thought. Thanks for your words. They're helpful.
Dude you just described me, Im 52 youngest sibling and feel the same such that its sometimes hard to bring myself to special family dinners like Xmas etc
I am YOU! There are many of us out there. Silently sobbing. Moving along,
You must go on, you must say words as long as there are any. In the silence you don't know, you must go on, you can't go on, yet you do go on. If you think you can go on, you can and will. That's the only comfort you get in our cruel world.
Carducho I'm in ur boat but I'm not quitting I believe it's never to late to start anew! I'm using my siblings scorn as a motivator! I also know that love is worth more than any monetary success!
There's honour in doing the best job you can do. Even if it's not what you'd rather be doing. There are millions of people here who do the jobs most wouldn't want. Garbage collection, early morning street cleaning, house cleaning ect. The happy ones whistle while they work.
Some people claim, "life begins at 40" but I think it's far more accurate to say, "Forty is when your dreams begin dying a slow and agonizing death."
I agree completely, and I am 57. What scares me is that I'm seeing this realization occuring at a younger and younger age to the point that my friends children (I have none) say they are experiencing this in their twenties....
In Chinese astrology 40s is when you realize you are mortal when your peers start to die. I have no peers in my life. I hate them, they hate me. I think my childhood dream from which I may die and I have no heart to watch this video or go for surgery. I still remember the pain after the surgery: like somebody put a knife in my stomach. I don't feel any symptoms. I am ok. Everything is fine. But I franticly try to have fun before it may all come crushing down because next day is not a guarantee. But I am still sad. Except of few moments when I can laugh at myself
I'm not even 40 yet, but soon will be. And all my dreams are dead. It's too late to get anywhere at this age.
@@1legend517 This points to the problems many are facing as a societal one rather than an age related one. I'm 47 and i don't care to do anything anymore. Work just enough to pay the bills, no ambition. The only reason i workout is because i feel like hell if i don't.
I had some good opportunities i've squandered, i worked 60 hrs a week for 10 months to put together a business and threw that away over anxiety. All i had to do was show up, the work was there...I've always been a dreamer guy that quit 5 ft from the goal. I overhype and the stress of that takes me out.
Now that most the problems i had when i was young are gone, i dont care lol. What a hilarious joke it all is.
But then again, America and the west are falling apart, rampant crime, corruption, immigration, our culture is gone, no one is left except try hard idiots and the stupid. Everyone else is in a zombie state, waiting for the ball to drop. Maybe this is the cause of how im feeling.
This is why the human body was built to live 45 years... not 145
I lost my only sibling, my brother to suicide in 2011. And then my best friend, my dad to cancer in 2014. I just lost my youngest son in 8/2023 who turned 23, just a few weeks before he passed. I didn’t grieve correctly with my dad. I was angry & in denial for over two years. Unhealthy! Losing my son is a pain like NO other. No parent should bury a child. I am letting myself grieve this time & it’s so very hard!!!! I have never cried so much in my life. I’m exhausted. I can’t think. I’m in a constant fog. I have ADHD & a TBI. Add grief to that & I am a mess. Losing my son is the hardest loss! Parents don’t prepare for it. It’s unthinkable. Unimaginable. My dream was having children & watching my children grow. I didn’t want a career. I wanted to be a mom! I don’t get to have that now. I will never see him get married. I won’t hold his babies in my arms. I won’t get to watch him grow old. I will never hear him call me mother, again. My dreams are crushed. My soul is shattered. When his heart stopped beating, I lost a part of my soul forever! The only thing that brings me hope is knowing that he’s in heaven. He is good. I am not okay. But maybe I will be one day. Life will never be the same. How do you overcome the loss of a sweet child? Each day is one day closer to holding him in my arms once again. But for now, I try to live my life here on earth with my children & my grandchild until He calls me home. I will see him again. And then I will be whole again. 💔😢💛🕊️
Diana, I’m so sorry for your loss. I commend you for coming here and for posting. Take the best care of yourself that you possibly can. Know that this stranger online is sending you all my best. I don’t have to know you to care. ❤
Wishing you the strength to keep going. Sending love for your heart to keep beating. Grieving with you for your heartbreaking loss! 😭 💔
I’m so sorry for your loss. I became a ghost in my own life because of death and suicide.
Sending you love and prayers for peace for your heart as you’re going through this.
💜🙏🏻💜
~N
😭💔😭💔😭💔😭💔🙏🕊️
Such unimaginable pain 😭 my heart goes out to you 💔 sincere condolences for your loss 🙏
I'm 60, thought I'd be married, have kids/grandkids, friends, nice house, could go on. Am finally accepting my life is not what I wanted and having to accept my life is what it is. Yes it hurts but less than before and gets less over time. Helps reading the comments showing I'm not alone with these feelings. I love the days when I am happy, I make the most of those days.
Thank you for sharing your story. I feel less lonely. I thought my life would be different, but at 62 I am learning to accept the way things are and thankful for the blessings in my life❤️
Beautifully said
same here, you are not alone
You were robbed of your dreams along the way. You were so busy trying to achieve them you didn't notice those around you doing it.
Wow cannot believe how many of us feel this way about our lives. We certainly are not alone. Wish we could start a support/discussion group.
I didn't know there was a name for this. I always called it "existential sadness", the idea that you're sad for the state of your very being and that you know things cannot be the way you want them to be. The worst is when you try to realize your dreams, fail at doing it, then later you realize that the life you wanted to achieve cannot possibly be, and then you see others achieving that life you failed at. That's the darkest reality one can live.
You didn't fail. Your dreams were stolen from you. Those 'others' achievers had help and used people along the way. You just never saw it. Neither did I.
I still pay for my naivety every.... single.....day
Most of the time it is out of your control or it is something you could not have known. And when you knew it was too late. Or if you knew you would have quit sooner.
If it was something big as your career, significant otger or child its ezpecially dire. Only thing you can do is move on.
Why can it not possibly be in your case but it's achievable for others ? Is there an inherent reason?
It feels like all of my dreams have died, some in an instant, others from a long, lingering demise. Social occasions are the worst, when friends and family gather to celebrate milestones and I have to put on a happy face while wishing I was somewhere--anywhere--else.
I have no family or friends left. Isolated & so alone. Please, don't let that happen to you! I blinked once, realized 15 looong years were just "poof" gone forever. You dive back into life, soon as possible. Please, don't wait❤
I feel like that every single year and it's only getting worse. I no longer want to care about or even acknowledge birthdays.
So many of us can agree. This has been my whole life & i am 66 now. I figure it must be my destined journey but it's so hard to accept. 😢
@@peggymerritt9019 You too. I know it sounds like a bit of a cliché, but joining a group with similar interests can often help. I joined a writing group a few years back and had some interesting experiences. I think it was a site called Meet Up. Doing things for others, volunteering somewhere can be a break from your own thoughts. I always feel a bit better when I'm helping those who truly need it. I have a cat, too. Sometimes it's just nice to know she's waiting for me to come home, and not to an empty apartment. I don't know if any of this helps, but I hope so.
@@barbaraschain9260 Perhaps so, but I don't know. I'm 64 and I've lost a few very close friends, one drank himself to death from PTSD and the other who probably will too, and a sister who passed away from cancer. I do have a very close female friend, and sometimes she's the only one who keeps me relatively sane and on this side of the grass, so to speak. I find that trying to do things for others helps and I do a lot of writing which helps get my feeling out, and getting into my head that way helps get me out of my head, assuming that makes any sense. Meet Up is a good way to finds others with similar interests. I hope that helps.
You are the only person to ever discuss this ambiguous grief issue. As a mom of a kid with disabilities I have been told so many times to “look on the bright side” or ‘it could be worse’. I have been excluded from social groups at school because other moms don’t know what to do with us. It is a long hard road. Thank you for talking about it.
"Look on the bright side" or "It could be worse." are two of the cruelest well meaning things anyone can ever say to a person in pain.
🙏blessings on your journey
I feel this. My son is 14 and will probably never have a relationship because people see him as having the mind of a much younger child. He may never drive or have a job. I feel he's going to be left out and lonely all his life. He's my only child. I have not much living family and I feel I won't even be able to die in peace because I'll probably never have the relief a parent must feel when they know their child could take care of themselves. There are kids worse off than my son yes but I don't see why I'm supposed to not grieve what he won't have
@@Opal5674 you have every right to feel this way, the hard part is not to let yourself drown in it. Let it paralyze you.
Different reasons but i struggle with this too. I say it out of empathy.
Consider yourself hugged.
YeAh I we have the same issue. We are social outcasts socially isolated it feels awful and then picked on bullied too.
Hello Dr. Scott, to be honest, I was born disabled and I have spent most of my life watching my dreams get crushed. My soul has been haunted by many of the ghost you spoke of here. But, I was amazed how just being able to give a name to the pain I felt, made me feel so much peace. Thank you so very much for this video man!! 😊😊😊
Praying for you
I became disabled in my 20's I've spent about half my life trying to accept that I won't ever have any of the things I thought I would have. Now I'm just in pain all the time and I'd settle for having enough pain meds to not always be in pain.
I'm so sorry. Sending you blessings.
I remembered my relative. She became disabled when she was a kid as soon as I know: they said it was tuberculosis. They lie all the time. Old feud. Montecky and Kapuletti. I never thought how she felt about it.
As a therapist myself, I want you to know, your ability to communicate is exemplary! You have a gift!
Yes amazing communication skills 🙂
Yes! So truthful…no stinkin platitudes or ….” Have you tried such and such”
Just pure accepting the truths and unspeakable of anxiety and depression that we don’t even whisper
So so helpful….love the absence of practiced unreal resonance…. the absence of that ‘clinical’ mask is actually what makes him so relatable as well as informative
I write this as a memorial, for the one that wanted to Love but never learned how to give or receive it. The one that offered prayers that was never answered. The one that Failed because no one gave the chance to succeed. The one that never had a moment they exceeded their limits and as such have nothing to be proud of. The one that worked hard all their life and still has nothing to show for it. The one to which many promises were made, but none kept. The one who has nobody to mourn or remember them after their passing. To all of those who never had the chance to enjoy the gift of life. For you I write this.
Thank you!!! 🧡💙🧡
Your words are meaningful and beautiful!!
❤❤❤
The best way to grieve the death of a dream is to find a new one. I am 55 and I have a lifetime of unrealized dreams. Our inner critic grinds us into dust, telling us how we are to blame for all of our failed plans. I can only tell you how I made peace with mine, finding out I have been swimming upstream my entire life has helped me forgive myself for failing. I have autism. I didn't realize this until March of 2023. That explained how I can be so gifted in many ways, and yet unable to do something simple like driving a car. I forgive myself. I am in awe that I managed to get anywhere with how harsh this world is. Everyone has a different set of circumstances, barriers to our success. Forgive yourself. And then dream a new dream. Without dreams we die.
this hit me like a truck because as I was reading, I was thinking about how I discovered late last year that I am undiagnosed autistic... I still have to get my official diagnosis, but the consensus of everybody who knows me including my psychologist and doctor is that this is pretty reasonable. thinking how you were describing my exact situation, and then you said that you figured out you were autistic too... this is exactly how it is, and I have experienced a wall when trying to discuss it with others or even with a therapist. I don't know about you but this definitely happened to me because of autistic burnout... from which I'm still yet to recover but it's been almost a decade of this. I am very tired, but I am trying to convince myself I can still have a dream. thank you *so much* for sharing.
I'm so new to this, I'm 56 and I've only just worked this out too. But where do I go from here? I can forgive myself for thinking it was my fault when I was forever swimming upstream, but it still won't magically unlock or bring me what I fought so hard for for decades. I'm still sitting here, feeling my life has been wasted, or at least I have nothing to show for how hard I've worked and tried and failed at. I have nothing else left I want, I've tried it all and nothing came of it. I'm sorry, I'm rambling. Thank you for reading, whoever you are. It means more than you know.
@@catpawrosales4265 I read and I see you. I am seeking diagnosis. I did an initial assessment with a social worker. She pointed out that much of what I said was in the past tense, she pointed out that I still had plenty of time ahead of me to find something new to work towards. I think I might start trying to become an advocate for autistic women. Most autistic people have barriers with communication. I could be a voice. You can be one too. We have so many little sisters that have few models to look towards. We can pave a way
TY so much for sharing this. I hope you find true happiness.❤
There is a free autism quiz/test online.
That’s what I told my therapist at the peak of my depression “I’ve always had these big dreams and images of how my life will be like that are inspiring and stimulating, but failure after failure, I have learned how not to dream anymore and the abyss came”. Doomed if you dream and your dreams don’t become a reality and doomed if you don’t dream because it robs you of any motivation.
I relate to you. My dreams also shattered, I shut down, was scared to even do stuff somehow connected to this dream (being creative in general, writing, painting) because I didn't want to have hope again that I can do something with it. Because the pain was too real. And on top of this I felt very guilty that I'm so upset by this. For now I'm slowly trying again, moving to new city with my friends, starting new projects. I'm scared as fuck, but without my dreams my life is senseless to me. I'm living only for other people without it and it scares me - my existence is pointless without them. If they leave me I'm lost
Thank you, good person, you gave the name for a state of soul I am in right now. The abyss.
Too scared to dream, too scared to live, too scared to leave.
Sometimes it feels better and almost manageable, sometimes not. Sometimes it feels like I am just a random visitor in my own body, a passenger who patiently waits for her flight doing nothing.
I try to do what made me happy in the past, but it doesn’t anymore. I try to find a way to myself, but my scared little self is not where I left it, and I don’t have energy nor inspiration to make new ways.
I feel this exact same way.
I speak from my heart as I write this. The way you worded your experience was piercing. I don't think I've seen anyone describe the sensation with such vivid accuracy. I read your comment and just found myself trapped within my own thoughts for a good 5 minutes.
I'm at a stage in my life where I'm beginning to see the abyss. Refusing to succumb to it is getting more and more exhausting by the day. I wish to fight it, I truly do - but the motivation to do so is slowly being replaced by a hollow of shallow acceptance.
Life is suffocating, and oftentimes feels like an indestructible invisible cage. I feel like anyone who says otherwise is either extremely fortunate, or has already gladly crushed their dreams under their own feet.
I truly wish life could release its stranglehold on all those grieving out there, even if just by a little. So few people acknowledge this form of grief and it's so difficult to find a single respite from it, that it's just unhealthily buried where no one can find it.
💙😭
I think this topic is especially poignant right now as so many of us are realizing our lives in this world/society aren't going to be what we anticipated they'd be. I see my adult children and grandchildren struggling to meet basic needs and facing uncertain futures filled with political conflict and economic hardship, and I feel helpless to shield them from the disappointments they're going to face. I grieve for the plans and futures they aren't going to be able to have. I grieve that they won't experience this beautiful planet in the way I did growing up. They will have to find their own beauty and way forward.
These same thoughts and emotions cause me to almost wish I could go back in time, and never have my kids. What world did I bring them into? Life is hard for me. Every. Single. Day. They see this. They're likely to repeat it. This is not how I believed life would be! Not at all. And I only see it getting worse and worse. My kids are too old to run away into the woods and start my own little world out there. Now they're world is even tougher. And they're likely to have kids! I dunno. It's just so hard and tiring. It's hard to look into the future and see anything happy happening. 😞
I think my mother is beginning to feel the same way. I’m 27 almost 28 and still struggling to just meet my own basic needs-and I have a degree and full-time job. My brother is 23 and has never left the home, never had a job. The world we are facing is terrifying and I feel like everything I ever dreamed of doing growing up has been ripped away. I have very little hope for my future, and I know it’s basically an entire generation that feels this way.
Hang in there! Watch for the little joys every day, the sunrises, the small things. Those can get you through.@@roxannerodriguez7075
My heart goes out to you! Hang in there. You can still have dreams, they just might need to change and grow into something else. But there is still beauty in the small things of everyday life.@@PaperParade
@@PaperParadeIs your 23 year old brother able bodied and all? Why has he never worked?
I had an entire career in television production layed out in front of me. Friends and family got me in and I was "set" as one would say.
Then while working in my garden one day I fell, cracked my skull, spent a week in ICU, and could barely speak.
6 months after I developed epilepsy.
A decade later Ive regained my arm movement and don't slur as much but I still stutter, trip over my own feet, and take massive doses of meds for epilepsy.
I'm exhausted, bored, eager, tired, frustrated, depressed, sometimes hopeful (for fleeting moments anyway).
But the truth is it's over. My dreams, plans, hopes, ideas. All gone. I'm rotting away every day as I stare out a window deciding if tomorrow's worth it.
I'm so sorry. That's awful. Wishing you the best recovery possible.
I can relate to this. I was about 6 weeks short of graduating college when I was diagnosed with epilepsy. So I lost my drivers license and was never able to finish my degree - instead had to find a really crappy job I hate - and start off buried in student loans and debts from medical bills.
It's been almost 30 years and I managed to keep my head above water, but it's been hell.
Unless you suffer from total amnesia, you'll always grieve what could have been (or "may" have been), even if you find a new life purpose. Just like if you lose a beloved parent, you never stop grieving for them or missing them, but you learn to put that all-consuming grief in a box or compartment while going on with a life without them. Whatever you have to do to box the grief of losing the TV career instead of having it consume your life, do it. I promise you there are other paths that will bring you as much joy, or even more, than a TV career may have brought you.
I hear you and am saddened by what has happened to you! Much love
@@weezercolo886 Well said and encouraging. The OP's situation sounds very sad and frustrating and anguishing. I do think there are a variety of fulfilling things we can do with ourselves - maybe instead of a news person they start a youtube channel on something they are passionate about.
A thought about this video is maybe there's the potential for some people who think their dream is dead to give up prematurely, some people don't have their dreams come true until later in life..or after they die in the case of some creative sorts 😑
I have suffered from this for over 20 years, thinking I was completely alone in my inability to deal with the loss of all my hopes and dreams when I was in my 40's. I'm now in my 60's, and I do function, but I have never recovered from the loss. My personal grief is always just below the surface, and I need to be extremely careful in public in case something triggers it and I break down publicly.
Thank you for letting me know I am not alone in this. I don't expect to recover from it, but at least I have a better understanding of my mental processes.
Thank you for putting my thoughts and experiences into words. And yes ‘my grief is always there just below the surface’. All the best to you. Perhaps a new dream will keep us going.💕
True
I also break down publicly and am easily triggered.
U just spoke to me. U r not alone with these feelings. ❤
Same situation here.
For me, trying to get help (or understand what to do) from friends / family about my loss of hopes and dreams was always put me even in lower mental state.
People who have never experienced this type of loss will tell you that is fake. They think that only "real" loss is real.
Omg this is what I needed!! I retired in September. Only because work was toxic and it hit hard!!! My retirement dream didn’t look like this!!! I’m alone!! Not the cottage by the lake, not the winters in the south. No. Alone. My son moved away at the same time for love. My only family was now gone! What a winter! Devastated! So needed to find you!! Thank you!!!
You'll make it buddy. Get out there and find something/someone. Just wing it. Could be fun.
I hear you. I see you. You are not alone. 🐝 Blessed Bee
Annie, is that from SNL 😊
Where do you live? Maybe we can help each other.
Yes one has to fill retirement time with growth or else it becomes a wasteland of time. I felt so strange that I had to create a whole new me..a whole new identity, self image. I still have anxiety over it. Now I find myself completely alone...not any children or family. I've had close friends but they've died or moved away or drifted away. I'm not sure what to do. I probably would evaporate if I didn't have my birds and my aquariums and some other interests. I think curiosity and imagination can help a person and to not think of the past or future is a tool that is helpful.
I hope you've found your way and if you have ideas that have helped you it'd be great if you'd share..BEST!!
I have accepted the fact that i am 66 with no partner, children, or grand-children. What friends and family don't understand is that a lot of your life over the years is lived through other people's lives. I am very happy for everyone's joys, but there are the down times when you realise what you don't have and it is highlighted a lot. This is reality.
I feel this. So true
I am absolutely living the same way. And part of me realises that there are a lot of people that don't even deserve that level of happiness.
I can't do it. Everyday I'm struggling with this. No support, nothing. I've watched on as all my friends, cousins etc got married, had families of their own and disappeared from my life. Ive nearly always been single, always left wondering what's wrong with me and why I could never have that, why I could never find the right person. I've never been more alone and depressed than I am now. Difficult to find a reason to get up or function everyday. It gets worse every year, I no longer want to care about or celebrate birthdays the older that i get and i wish people would leave me alone. I am sick of living for other people's happiness and their families, their achievements, and their social lives when I have none of my own. I am so sick of the loneliness and the feelings of failure. I'm sick of being told that I should step parent or adopt and accept someone else's kids as my own. I've always wanted my own family. I've been rejected for the better half of my life and have never even once celebrated a valentine's day. Im so lonely I'm on medication for depression. Doctors, GPs, therapists, they dont care about me. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
@@1legend517
I feel for you dear soul. I am praying life may turn around for you one day🙏 Sending lots of love to you
Yes, we are basically social beings but ultimately alone. Learning to live with aloneness, loneliness, being alone in a world of people and human accomplishment and learning is important. For some people, a belief in some higher, spiritual being helps or seeing sacred connectedness in the natural world. It is the human lot.
The death of a dream is bad, the death of hope, sometimes else.
So many dead dreams and faded expectations...hope has become a four letter word.
I feel that too !
YES.
Graveyard of dreams
This is deep.
The story of Pandora addresses this in it's deeper message. Hope prolongs suffering, so leave it mostly in the jar.
You are better than my therapist . Ur correct never told. Ambiguous Grief?? My only child was murdered at 17, i was 37. He had just graduated, I had a great job, needless to say I lost it. Excepting that ALL my dreams were gone is (still) heart wrenching.... You do explain the greif process so well. Its 20ys & its like yesterday & still cry, my heart still hurts. And for every feel good day, time, laugh i have I know he is with me. He lives in my ❤.
💔💔💔
🕊️
I feel that way about my folks..like the movie has gone from color to black and white. I long to be the person I was a few years ago. I have a sweet bunny who gives me laughs and love, but I am not the person I was before.
I feel you man. Lost my nephew to a heroin overdose. Long story but when I realized my brothers taught him drugs were cool and ok it's just another scar. Your grief will eventually fade, never leave but just keep sending him your love. You didn't kill him Dad some sick scum did. I'm sending a prayer for you right now.
I can't even tell you how sorry I am...the fact that you can even get up in the morning is evidence that you are a warrior. Stay strong 🤍
The combination of abject poverty, desease/physical handicap, old age, and injustice is a very challenging situation to be in.
Yeah, it's how I imagine my future. Why survive to see it?
@@kotenoklelu3471
I've been there
Letting my dreams die has been incredibly liberating. By having no wants, expectations or desires, I have insulated myself from incredible pain of ambiguous grief. If I don’t “want” anything, then I can’t be disappointed when I fail to realize it. So I have snuffed any dreams or visions of the future, and try to live each day with the minimum level of emotional commitment to outcomes. My motto is “Man plans. God laughs.”
I can relate. I've come to that place of having no wants, no hopes, no more plans. It came on the tail of realizing my dreams weren't going to happen. They required human involvement, and even though I had invested in and set up all the physical aspects necessary, the people didn't come. They weren't interested, and I couldn't make people appear out of thin air. I have grieved. I need to sell off my investments, but that letting go is going to cause more grief. I'm stuck in anhedonia, without a future focus. I have to let these things go to move on. But I have no direction to move towards.
@@victoryamartin9773 it’s ok not to have a direction. By not having a destination you are never lost and you always end up where you’re supposed to be.
EXACTLY!!
God will renew your youth like the eagle
I feel the same although I don't think that one should use that freedom to just do whatever one wants, indulge in self-centered activity and so on.
It wouldn't mean that you can live in a paralyzed way like hikikomori. That's life in disharmony.
I feel that, if you truly don't have any personal wants, expectations and so on .. Then there is this immense energy to Observe. You know how to stop, look, and listen. And you're then acting more out of the law of synchronicity, meaning that if you see an opportunity for something new and fruitful to do, you do it! It's liberating like mentioned.
This is the grief that you feel deeply, but no one else knows about it, because you feel like they'll think you're crazy for being so sensitive about everything. I have felt this grief for so many things over the years. Thank you Dr. Eilers
True.
Yes. We all have our little dreams that we like to come true outside the realm of what most people desire. It’s different for all of us, but the desire is there nonetheless.
I know exactly what you mean!
We've all felt it
Last two years, I've been grieving the dreams I am never going to have. I always thought my life would be different at this point, I thought I'd have everything everyone gets in their late 40s, but I haven't even started on a path I wanted to....I have been so god damn depressed over this and you're literally the first person that EVER actually identified this type of grief.
I’m sorry it’s taken this long ❤️ it’s just as real as anyone else’s grief
I can totally relate.
I can totally relate-also in my forties and my life has gone nowhere due to a convergence of various factors.
Thanks so very much for trying to help us losers out
❤
I've been trying to get through this for a couple of years. I am 68 and lived with ADHD undiagnosed my whole life and most of my goals were unattainable. I was too busy pleasing others and trying to prove that I was worthy.
Yup I hear you
Same. 😢
Likewise...you are not alone.
Same here
Me too.
I spent a lifetime trying to achieve my ‘dreams’, always failing/having the rug pulled out from under me just as I was about to succeed, but still trying over and over, until I finally figured out why my dreams weren’t coming to fruition; now I’m 76 yrs old and exhausted, alone, and disheartened, grieving in an abyss, with only continuous nothingness to show for all that expended energy…what hurts the most is that while using my energy towards helping everyone, children, relatives, friends, even strangers, achieve their dreams, when it came to having my dreams come true, NO ONE helped me, instead certain people went out of their way to literally destroy my every effort, now I’m just too tired to care anymore…
I can so relate to the exhaustion, The regret. And a truly broken heart and soul. My beloved son (only child) saw me as a good mom and a friend as he grew up. In his late twenties he married a self centered controlling woman. Within three years I became to them an unbalanced and incapable person. Suddenly I had no access to my darling three yo granddaughter, who loved me to bits. I lost two major parts of my self. I am no one’s mother or grandmother. No one seemed to understand it was like two deaths to me. They seldom contact me. I was an empty void for eight years; barely functioning; still struggle. No one seemed to understand my loss and my grief, including therapists. Minimal family support. I finally found a place to live, with my disabled husband, where I can be with nature and mend a little. I have learned to acknowledge that all my dreams died. And try not to blame myself.
So true. Depression is the loss of illusions.
Depression isn't simply losing illusions, but rather seeing the world in a more realistic, albeit negative, light. They call this "depressive realism."
I know the feeling, at 75. Time ran out on achieving my plans and dreams and just normal ordinary mundane expectations. Death will come as a liberation, but until then, my heart insists on beating.
As long as we have something left to fulfil in this world, we will be here. Even if it's just to offer a genuine smile or a sympathetic ear to someone who has not found it anywhere else
❤❤❤❤
and I wish mine would stop
@carolinegraystone9308 i know where you're coming from. I dont have the answer but i know that is not a option so we have to keep going. Im tormented by my thoughts of the future and the only thing that helps to keep moving. Staying busy doing anything at all bc when i give myself to much time to think i make it worse. I try to adjust my expectations and work towards a new goal and maybe in the course of doing that things might work out. The biggest help has been taking time to do stuff i enjoy and completely forgetting about the world. I look forward to those times and that gives me something to live for.
@@TOM_T2000 Do stuff you must do, then do stuff you enjoy. Or maybe the other way around. Yes, the other way around.
I've never had a love story. It may sound weird but that's how it is. I'm 40 and honestly this has been so helpful. I should just be grieving the young and beautiful love story I never had instead of chasing something impossible. And I'm so tired of people saying "It's never too late" or "It will come when you least expect it", I'm tired. I'm done. That's just it. And honestly, I should have my time of grieving and acceptance instead of this zombie-like situation. And just accept it. Thank you for this.
I can relate so well! I’m 46 and my love life has been a complete train wreck to put it mildly. The older I get, the more I realize I’ll never have that storybook romance of meeting someone, falling in love, getting married, and growing old together. Definitely missed my chance a raising kids with someone. I was a single mother and my kids are all adults with families of their own. I too am tired of hearing “in Gods time” or “it’s never too late “. It really is too late for some things.
@@PrincessEldara right?? Exactly! I mean I'm sure there's still things we can do at our ages and have fun, find meaning, create something beautiful, do art, travel, etc., but we should normalize do that and not wait for "the one". Honestly if I could just write, keep doing my job and read a good book from time to time without having to chase "love" I'd be so much happier.
I feel this so much! I’m 45, never married, 2 long term relationships with avoidant and emotionally unavailable partners and now a single Mum. Dating sites are a joke and full of toxicity. I’ve given up on my love story. I’m currently working on being the best version of myself and finding happiness in solitude. I’m enjoying the peace, it feels good to let go of that dream.
Love stories are rare. And after a love story, half of marriages end in divorce. So, grow up, do your duty, and enjoy what you have. Have a love story with yourself.
@@sonjak8265Think you should grow up , & don’t live under a rock go find love it’s never too late 😊
Holy crap. 2 of my friends who died, 1 suicide, 1 murdered who i never went to their funeral, I still see in my dreams. And it always feels so real. They pop up and are like "hey man, haven't seen you in a while, where have you been?" And I wake up confused convinced for a few days they are alive and I just got my wires crossed.
Hi from 🇯🇵. I’m a psychologist in a small county city near Mt. Fuji. Being the only one here and around the other cities I have to help clients with a large variety of mental challenges, like a tiny small town old doctor.
Long intro… I mainly want to say that is nice to listen to a well educated (seems like you are not only interested in the mind ) updated and coherent speaker. Thank you and wish luck in your path helping thousands of people with your channel. Arigatou 🙇🏻♀️🇯🇵
I lost friends over this kind of grief. They judged me as not tough enough... not driven enough. Then there are also those who project onto me that I'm well and fine when I'm not, and I don't pretend myself to be okay when not. Thanks for putting it into perspective 💛
It hurts when those closest to you, who should be able to understand, seem unable to or simply refuse to try ❤️
I'm sorry you lost people because they lacked the insight to understand your feelings. What's important is that you were able to articulate your grief. It's how you will learn to accept the loss and move on.
There is liberation in abandoning 'hope' letting go of the illusion of what never was and surrendering to what your life is now as it is. 🙏
beautiful
Bingo. There are many ways to be happy. Don't dwell on that which did not happen. That was yesterday. Its not about attaining. Its about enjoying life.
Most NDE-ers say that we reincarnate, and choose to come here, and plan our lives out. So in one life you don’t get what you want, but in another life you do.
YES! And the courage to find a joy much greater than what could have come from what you wanted.
Truth is life is a gamble, even our best efforts may fall far short.
There's a saying. "The young dream about what could be. The old dream about what could have been." I've become old.
Two weeks ago I tried to end this all. Yesterday I was brave enough to ask for help. Today THIS video pops up on my feed. Things happen for a reason. All I can say is THANK YOU ❤.
Am so glad you reached out for help.
Consider yourself hugged.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Thank you ❤. Sending a big hug your way.
Glad you ended up staying - which is way harder. I sometimes think the minute-to-minute would be so much easier if we knew we only had to do it for a week or something! I think the desolation and terror come flooding in when we try to mentally live our lives in advance, with our imagined futures. We like to know where we're going, and have an imagined future where we're not alone.
Never give up. You’re a fighter. Try, try and try harder… that’s what we are put in the earth for.. sending you love & many blessings ❤
You are still in my prayers.
But doing it and not reminding you of that fact now and then seems silly.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
I don't have any of the things I wanted either, but I forgive myself. I used to think I was an incompetent loser. It wasn't until much later in life when I realized I suffered from depression, anxiety and ptsd which took away a lot of opportunities. I'm in my 40s and I still believe I have a chance to be happy. I've managed to get a good grip on my mental issues. I'm accomplishing things now I thought I could never do. Your dreams don't have to die, they can be redesigned and recalibrated to fit your current life.
14 years ago, I was engaged to a wonderful man, was on the fast track to getting a great job with a degree and a bright future ahead of me. We planned to travel the world, go on all of these adventures and then settle down and have a family.
But then he was killed in a car accident and everything fell apart. I dropped out of college, was stuck working menial jobs and just…trying to survive. My friends and family more or less abandoned me because I wasn’t moving on fast enough.
Everyone says “there’s always tomorrow.” But they don’t know what it’s like to have no tomorrow to look forward to. And I am sick of the toxic positivity.
I don’t know how old you are but regardless, there is more to life than the endless grief you are trapped in. You partner that you lost wouldn’t want you to ruin the rest of your life in grief. At some point you have to get sick of feeling like crap. Essentially you died with him by not moving on. It’s the hardest thing you will ever do. But you are not dead. You don’t have to feel guilty about living. Perhaps you were meant to find your true self, and could only do it this way. ❤
@@xxThink_Againxx you think I don’t know that he wouldn’t want me to be stuck like this?
I don’t think you truly understand what it’s like to lose someone you’ve wanted to marry.
You don’t know what it’s like to wake up every morning and wonder if you’re going to get through the day without breaking down.
You don’t know what it’s like to see your family and friends post pictures of their spouses and kids on Facebook and know that you’re not going to have the chance.
You don’t know what it’s like to compare every single person you meet to your late spouse and know that you’re never going to feel the exact same feelings you felt whenever you’re around them.
You don’t know what it’s like to experience various things in life and long to call your spouse just so you can talk about it…only to realize that the number has been disconnected and their voicemail erased so you can’t even hear their voice.
So before you tell people that they should just carry on with their lives…perhaps consider that maybe, just maybe, they’ve lost the other part of their soul.
I’ve struggled with this type of grief since becoming disabled due to chronic illness about 20 years ago. The word “ambiguous” just seems too gentle to describe the emotional pain and inner turmoil of being alive and yet “shelved” at such an early age. I’ve tried so many times, fallen and bounced back up, but at 59, the bounce is gone. I’m fresh out of ideas and feel as though I’m just waiting around to die.
Same here. I have depression that’s treatment resistant now. I’m waiting for Ketamine to come back on the market so I can get help for it. I’ll have to wait a few more months and it’s hard to keep going.🤷
I'm sure we are different, but my injuries make me want to wish you the best. 🎉
🙏😢
And if you try to explain it to people, they think you're asking them to tell you things will change if you just get a more positive attitude, that you just need a pep talk. Or they accuse you of whining and tell you how much worse some other people have it. Or tell you to look on the bright side or to keep your hopes up because everything could still change. People dish up lack of listening, lack of support, lack of understanding, and lack of respect (when they automatically assume you haven't tried over and over and over and over in every conceivable way, repeatedly mustering every bit of positive thinking, hope, ambition, faith, and massive effort and self belief yet STILL repeatedly failed, slammed hard into concrete time after time after time after time). No wonder people don't talk about these griefs. People seem to by and large have no genuine capacity to hear others with genuine compassion.
@@falconbritt5461 People don't seem to realize that your grief is very real and valid or that you had dreams and ambitions to make your life fulfilling and complete. They don't realize how much that meant to you. People like you and I want to grow and progress. That's the way life is supposed to be. Yet, when we merely mention how disappointed and disillusioned we are about our lives, people don't want to hear it. Too many lack empathy. Our world needs more compassion and love for one another. KNOW THAT I HEAR YOU! Thank you for sharing your story.
I feel like I understand this. My brother died when he was 23, and my parents and sister and I became very close but moved away from the rest of the family and didn't see them much over the ensuing 30 years. My sister died 3 years ago unexpectedly, when she was 44 and I was 48. She and I never married or had kids, we always spent our holidays with our parents and my mom visited often. We always considered ourselves "young at heart" with plenty of time, just two girls and their mom going on cruises and doing crafts and whatnot, and dad always there to fix things and carve the turkey. After grieving the loss of my sister, who was my best friend, I realized that my parents are now over 80 and in failing health and when they die, I will be all alone. If something happens to me, there's nobody to take care of me, I am on my own. I went into a very deep depression because of this realization. All of my friends have children and besties and life partners, and they don't understand why I can't pull out of this depression.
Same here. No one left.
I've got that too. I was the first kid born in 29 years in my family and so they have died off as they were all 29 to 50 plus years older than me. I'm 37. Have an autistic son who severe enough Idk if he will ever hold a job or be able to care for himself when something happens to me. I've loaded up on life insurance money amd am paying off this house so he will at least have that.
Hello Lisa, your story touched me deeply. Thank you for sharing it. Please stay strong and find ways to have joy and believe the lie that you have to be alone. 48 is still relatively young to go and find people. Exhaust all the help you can find! Volunteer at the church, scream at God to help. I promise to pester Him everyday with my prayers for the next two weeks at least. You still have half your life to live through so make the most of it! You sound like a wonderful woman and you deserve to have a great life. I only have sisters too so reading about your sister dying struck a cord with me. She would want you to seize every moment. (Also if this is not weird, you would be surprised how many older gentlemen out there want to find a wife closer to their age). Whatever you do, don’t lose hope!
Also, I worked at an orphanage before, you would be surprised how much a little love can help those kids. Not a bad idea to volunteer. You lived a beautiful 48 years with your family, it’s not really a loss. Time for new adventures!
@@ABB14-11 Love your reply so much : )
Thank you for mentioning being the parent of a disabled child can come with so much grieving. There’s so many layers to it though. It’s the absolute worst because I fought for him for years & years & years and we still lost. I grieve because he doesn’t get to experience the joys that other teens do. Driving, a girlfriend, first job, graduation, he doesn’t even have any friends. And even though I love my son, it affects so many parts of everyday life and any future I worked for, the relationship I wanted, the master’s degree program I had to drop out of… because I’m on this journey alone.
There is NO closure
I feel for you. I also have a disabled son who is in same position. I worry for him so much🙁
I know it probably doesn't feel similar to most, but parents of drug addicts have to grieve their losses too. There may be a chance things will resolve, but that chance is not in their hands, and that chance gets smaller and down to practically nothing over time. In the meantime, there is that adult person they cannot control, doing damage to themselves and the World. There is always the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" too and the very harsh judgement of others with no sympathy.
My issues are trivial compared to yours, but I do understand the the knowledge that there never will be closure.
Wait until you recognize you are a very big reason your child is disabled....! Your Consciousness inflicted this upon his Consciousness in the womb!
I guarantee you I can tell you where you've gone amiss in your life, which causes all the "issues" you accept as real...!!
Wake Up to Your Infinite Omnipresence!!
Ditto. My son became a paraplegic at 18. He’s now 40. The things they miss out on never ends.
Not just one dream but all of them. Adjusting to loss, remove a dream, the next one gone.
It’s worth remembering that when we think back with regret, we don’t know the horror shows we might have missed by making certain choices - we tend to only think of the positives we missed.
Wow, a doctor with REAL, practical, down-to-earth advice.
If he carries on like this, he will put a lot of other doctors out of work.
I’m trying to follow the Alex Hormozi strategy: “Make your free content better than their paid content.” ❤️
You're accomplishing that totally. @@DrScottEilers
@@DrScottEilers - that is very admirable, Good Sir, and appreciated by your 35400 subscribers. Thank you.
@dr.scotteilerspsydlp529 I like that quote but had never heard of Alex, so I did some quick research. I could be wrong but he initially strikes me as a used car salesman with a snake oil side gig.
@@DrScottEilers A caring heart...with common sense does make the difference. Thank you for being there :)
As the number of aging people increases this is going to become a HUGE issue. Those of us in that group will need all the coping skills we can get.
Yes. Go hear Dr. Eilers' tslk on shutting down. Aging causes you to pile up tint stresses which, like dirty dishes, overwhelm you. I think it can kill you early. If you dont stay active, your body and mibd atrophy faster. I want to die in my sleep at age 104-6, not age 70.
Agreed, but people of ALL ages can suffer from this type of loss. I’ve been there.
True at any age but at the end time speeds up as we slow down & lose touch with friends & activities. Too bad we can't have this insight & watchfulness when we are young so we can analyze & consider wisest paths, trusting our wisdom gained through trials.
@timm1139 you're right! The age I felt this the greatest was when I became a teenager.
P
Thanks for this. When you reach a certain age, you come to the painful conclusion that the dreams you have had for decades simply aren’t happening. Life’s circumstances, such as a failed marriage, health problems, conflicting goals, lost jobs leading to bankruptcy, and a simple lack of focus all contribute. It’s a mourning in your soul that all that will never be is finally gone. It’s been the worst psychological stab in my heart ever.
Holy cow. I just experienced this. At the age of 58, I realize the dream I held and nurtured my entire life was not going to happen. It really did feel like I was punched in the soul. I recognize it what was happening, grieving/mourning . It was pure hell. I got through it, but it was the most depressing,awful experience I’ve gone through in decades.
I just have now realized I have so many dreams I have to let go of. How did you go through your grief… do you have any suggestions thank you.
Not pretending to know what that dream was, but the way it felt strongly indicates that it might not be true for you (having to let go of dreams). The truth sets us free, it doesn't kick us in the soul!
MS is a disease that’s taken away my nursing career, ability to support myself, friends who don’t understand symptoms, energy, quality of life, etc. I’m 53, and have had MS since I was 30. Disability came quickly, causing me no choice but to retire. The life I had before this disease was fulfilling, and my energy was w/o bounds. I don’t go searching for grief, but I miss my caree, and it’s not coming back. Grieving is an ongoing process. I don’t cry everyday. I don’t think about what I’ve lost everyday, but I do cry at leaast once every two weeks.
Loss of career job us extremely difficult to accept.!! Your work & workplace is living the life you loved! Without it... the pain is unbearable!,... I feel you're Grief on this... 🙏 for you .!
I"m reading a book currently, titled "How to Heal yourself when no one else can. It's by Amy Scher.. it's helped me a great deal. This woman had a life situation similar to yours.. Keep up the fight.. Namaste
@@josephgiri2398
Thanks. Just bookmarked it.
Wow,... I feel a part of you're pain.
The part of loosing you're career job!. To my neighbors and even family,... they don't understand how hurt I am, not being able to continue doing my career job,.. the friends, the purpose, the structure etc. I missed it so bad, I fell into Depression and anxiety,
I don't want to do anything anymore,.. and lost all interests. Take care 🎉
I have fibromyalgia, and my health recently got worse. Trying to accept that I may never heal my body, that I may have to live like this…
Being on the autism spectrum, this hit hard. I didn't know why my brain was different at the time and I thought someday, I would become this "normal" person and I would get all the love, jobs, and family I was missing. When I realized I would always be "me", this was all I get, it was so freeing yet so devastating at the same time.
Makes sense. Many other people on the ASD spectrum have commented on this video specifically with similar sentiments.
I've been going through this as well. It's very painful.
oh god this
Yup I'm 51 just about to be 52. Autistic and life sucks. My marriage of 30 years was all I had and we're not really getting along truth be told. I have few friends and no family to speak of and this world is slowly going to shit. YAAAAAYYYYY
31M and I feel the same.❤
I believe it was Norman Cousind who said, and I'm paraphrasing, " it is not the final death we suffer the most, it is the small deaths that occur as we live. Thank you for your input.
I had a sense of this back in childhood. People say "you can't miss what you didn't know" but this is not true. Our imagination can give us ideas that we can become attached to, and when these ideas don't materialize, the grief can be overwhelming, especially as we age, and realize our days are seriously numbered. I think hard work and staying curious are the best ways to deal with loss. When night falls and I've filled my day with hard work, whilst also feeding my curiosity about a variety of subjects, can ameliorate the sense of loss, and provide purpose. There is no time or energy left to compare myself with others.
Thanks for explaining the grief of not having something you aways wanted. I wanted a child so badly. It never happened I just couldn't get pregnant. I still feel very sad about this. It hurts badly. I am 60 years old. And the pain still lingering inside. Thanks for taking about this.
Me too. 65. Just never happened.
😢
Your story could be mine (I'm 62 now). I too dreamed I'd have kids. Never happened & adoption didn't work out. Always feel a deep sadness when I am reminded of this (& pain & anger when others said we better get moving in my 30s).
Im 33, but I guess this will be my story. Chances are close to zero.
Me too. 51. But I let it go. Healthier for my marriage. I was upset for a long time. Then hormones settled down and time passes. I got busy. I went back to study. So many disappointments of things I'll never experience, but I wasn't prepared to give it all my energy, time and anger. I found positive replacemnt focus. I wasn't factoring on being chosen by a young man 22 years my junior who came into my life 10 years ago to be his mentor. The connection is karmic. Absolutely meant to be a chosen mother and kindred spirit for him. We have fun together. We enjoy many similar interests and have lots in common. As strange as that sounds, I have now stopped questioning and worrying what it looks like. We are chosen family. You find other ways to do things like mothering. Acceptance of life is easier now. Sometimes there are no easy answers. You just gotta roll with what life throws you and find comfort in the small and simple joys. Wallowing sucks my energy. I try not to dwell. I live in the now and only short term plan because by 51 it took me this long to learn that life happens while you're planning it, and all the best plans usually don't go to plan, so best thing is to live it to the full with as much positivity you can muster. There is little that is secure or guaranteed. Bad health also taught me that. Along with serious surgery that really shook me. Life is so short. I won't spend time crying over things that were obviously not meant to be.
I remember the day I realized it WAS too late. Been a changed man ever since. No life partner, no kids, no dream job, no life. While some small elements of those things could be realized, there’s still a mourning of the big picture that wasn’t and won’t be. And in many ways it feels like I won’t have a chance at changing who I’m being and where I’m going until I deal with that grief. Really appreciate the comments down below here.
I feel the same way.
Thank you 🙏🏻 The hardest part of grieving a dream is letting go of the desire to chase it. It’s done, I’m not physically able to do it and no amount spent on manifesting tutorials will magically pop it into existence.
It sucks when the body limits what you can do. There's a lot I wanted to do but will never be able to.
"manifesting tutorials" .... That sound like 'attitude adjustment'. One thing I've learned in my life is that attitude by itself does nothing. It takees so much energy to stay calm and polite when people suggest it does.
Manifesting - it’s a pernicious, exploitative *industry* that promises that magical thinking works magic. Everyone involved in it should be up on fraud charges.
But it is also poison to personal morality, somehow: because its inverse is to say to people, “You who don’t have a child / wealth / a place on the team / your cancer cured - you just didn’t try hard enough, or tried the wrong way.”
When my husband died, it took away my entire future and my children's futures. sometimes the grief I have for the loss of the father who should have been in their lives feels like this bottomless black void. It's been irrevocably stolen from them and it grinds my heart to dust.
I'm so sorry. I hear you.
I understand. Lost my wife a few years back. I feel for you and your grief.
I am a therapist in Texas, and I really want to thank you for this video.
Not only do I see this ambiguous grief with my clients, I’ve also had tremendous ambiguous grief in my own life. And you’re right… Nobody really understands the difference between the two types of grief, nor do they understand that this type of grief is actually more difficult to deal with. I would say for me… it is more painful.
I’m going to send your video to my colleagues and family.
Thanks for what you’re doing in the world!
Thanks for sharing Paige!
not just parents of disabled, but we disabled persons get crushed to realize that we just are not allowed to realize our potential and there are some things we will never be some of the things we imagined for ourselves.
Mar 26, 2024 i found this and didn't even know how much i needed this... my heart hurts so friggin bad.... i feel like I've been grieving my whole life... i want out of it, but i can't seem to figure my way out... it hurts so bad i can't even breathe..... God, please help me.....
Take a deep breath, you can get your bearings and stand. You will overcome, believe you can. Hugs.
I've been seeing my dreams evaporate since I was 14. It never gets any easier.
This. 1000X This.
14 is wayyyyyyyyyy too young, im guessing your probably in your 20s or 30s and if yes you young, go after your dreams!!
Same. Sometimes the pain is unbearable
Thank you for talking about this. I'm Indian, and my mom manipulated and coerced me into the medical profession. I had always wanted to be an engineer. After 6 years of medical school, I knew I couldn't go back and change things, it was too late, I grieved the loss of a dream.
Unless you are already over 50 years, you might be able to do something about it.
Even at 50, think Master’s in BioEngineering. Your experience will transfer.
I've never heard anyone talk about this before. You just gave me understanding of the deep sadness I have felt when realizing my dream will never come true.
Sooo true! My husband of 40 years died suddenly 13 years ago. It took me 10 years to feel like myself again.
Dr. Scott... I don't even know how to thank you for what you do. Today, is my 70th birthday and I'm grieving not having been the world famous author I dreamed of being. I wrote two books that went nowhere and now it's time to let go and to have that ceremony. I also suffer from severe freeze issues; I can't even function when I'm overwhelmed. I truly believe that you were sent to help people like me. I found you by accident, in a very low moment and I cannot express my gratitude for this gift. Please know the good you are doing for those like me; you are needed and appreciated. You tell it like it is and help us feel much better about so many things in us. Again thank you and many blessings.
As a fellow writer, I’m envious that you wrote a book!
Oh Miss Lillian... Thank you. They are labours of love and pain, and keep us somewhat sane. Do keep writing what your heart tells you to. Even if it's only for you. God bless... Dee
I also found this article very moving. And I am just reading your story.
I found DR Scott Eilers you tube page yesterday.
My husband and I have a similar story. Ours was in the music business. We are producers and musicians and songwriters. I have dedicated my life to my piano and writing and singing. There were three albums released through CBS and WEA. We were totally dedicated and honestly at the time thought we were on the road to true success. We worked and pushed so hard but after dedicating over 40 to 50 years each we had to stop and take measure. I felt it start to destroy my soul.
I went through a bad patch sometime ago along with my husband. I felt the dream slipping away, and had to come to terms things were not going to happen the way I planned.
I hope you are a little uplifted. You are not alone. And you know it’s nothing to do with your talent. There really isn’t any true justice and it does come down to luck and timing. Being in the place at the right time and knowing the right people has a lot to do with things. So please take heart, and write anyway. I am about to go on my piano and just write. No one can take that away. It’s in your soul. Xxx
I can relate. Thanks for sharing this.
Keep writing! JRR Tolkien was rejected again and again and again. He quite possibly was the greatest author I've ever read. Major publishers turned him down on the Hobbit and LOTR trilogies numerous times. And now look... he's probably the most famous, well known and well loved author of all time. I also love to write, and I've even written several entire books. When I was 17, my dad made me throw all of my books, poems and other writing in the fire. I watched them burn and my hope along with it. Years later, I decided to take up writing again. Again, I wrote a few more books. Then my husband (now ex) dragged them all out (I had a plastic, waterproof tub that I kept my books and rough drafts in to protect them).. Anyway, he was mad so he took all of my writing, artwork, etc outside, took the lid off the tub and filled it with water. I didn't know he had done this until it was too late. Now, at 62, I've started over again. I have one book complete, several others in progress/rough draft form. I'm still working on them while trying to format one book for Amazon publishing. I will never give up. And don't you either!
“Dreams that are shattered,
May not have mattered.
Take another point of view.” -Ozzy Osbourne Those lines I keep telling myself when trying to deal with the loss of a career as a vocalist. I chose to set aside the drama for a family and thought someday I would go back to it. The kids grew up and cast me and their Mom out of their lives and the vocalist career never happened. So basically, it was a loss of my deepest, most true dream for nothing. I am now 59 and still trying to find a career to replace the dream. I never thought my life would become a tragedy. Ty for explaining that it is alright to feel sad. If not for this video, I might have just chalked up my feelings to insanity.
"The kids grew up, and cast me, and their mom out of their lives." --- I'm 59, and I feel THAT. I had to stop wearing my "Mother's Ring" because I could not be constantly reminded of the fact that they don't care. I had to take my power back, and not allow motherhood to be weaponized against me. They are free to do as they choose, but I have the same freedom to live in peace.
My stepfather is 80 and sings in local choirs and bands. Maybe that part of your dream doesn't have to be lost.
You know, it's so tricky, because my midlife crisis involved becoming aware that the version of myself in my head that was larger than life - a famous musican, a noted scholar, a thrower of regular dinner parties, a "perfect" mother...when I realized that version in my head was just dreamstuff and not the real life I was actually living, my brain and heart broke. I realized that I'd been "future faking" and moving towards this glorious future that was more like a child's daydreams rather than concrete achievable adult goals. It was very humbling and to realize this and I felt a lot of shame and embarrassment when I realized I had been overlying this groovy sexy cool movie version of my life, that existed only in my head, on top of mundane reality.
I don't think it was grandiose so much as youthful pizzazz and hope. But I just never thought that my hope and fantasizing would ever end.
Until this epiphany, I had comported myself with so much swagger. I "felt" like the version of myself in my head, and I had confidence, direction and motivation that was derived from my belief in myself as that version in my mind. When midlife hit me and I realized I was getting more tired, more weary, more achy, more chubby -- when aging really starting to kick my ass -- I found the dreams dying. I tried to fight this for awhile. I drank pretty heavily for awhile, attempting to stay "happy" and hold onto those youthful feelings of potential and possibilities.
Here's the rub - it was the belief in that ephemeral dreamstuff, those idealistic hopes that allowed me to function at a high level and experience motivation and joy for as long as I did. Now the question is, from the disillusioned, depleted, wounded, bedraggled, humbled place I am at right now, is it possible to readjust and find new dreams that are actually still attainable? Or at least activities and hobbies that bring joy, if not acclaim? Do I have the energy or the faith to make these adjustments? This is the challenge before each of us.
It's not a midlife crisis if you die soon.
I think every great dream has to be one that can be changed to fit in to our reality. Life is not a fixed, concrete thing. Dreams shouldn't be, either. Eat the meat of your dreams. The parts of it you can do, go for it. If it's a bone, toss it out! ❤
GREAT comment. What do you do if you stop dreaming.
That is so well put and exactly where I'm at.
Well, i suppose you guarantee that no aspect of them will ever materialise. I often wonder how differently we'd all function if we didn't know how old we were, without the received beliefs of others based on that age, and with no attachment to the outcome of the things we do. In other words, think the way children do - without limitations and doing everything just for fun.@@willowsmom5757
Living with chronic pain. 24/7. Grieving the losses of all that can no longer be done, or achieved, or trying to do things & suffering in more pain for it. It's overwhelming.
There are many of us in this boat. I know exactly how you feel because this is my reality! Can no longer function the way I want to, unable to do what I would like to, most of my day is spent trying to limit my pain. It is a constant struggle to put on a brave face the only thing that keeps me going is I'm not a quitter, sometimes I wonder why. Stay Strong.
@@anthonypapp6349 Thank you. I hope for you, that you can remain strong to. We both face & fight a silent battle daily.
I've had several dreams of how my life was supposed to be. Approaching 70 I look around and wonder what happened. Friends tell me to let go of the past, great times ahead but I feel frozen in time. Thank you for naming this. And helping make sense of why i find it so hard to create a new life when i know there are few years left. I'm starting today with laundry and walking my dog. You are a gift! Thank you.
Grandma Moses began painting at 78 just for fun....you might think of adopting an old dog some heartless person dumped at the shelter. I love PG Wodehouse and dreamed I might get a companion for my dog and went out and did it...a 12 year old Aussie I named PG. Bless you... somebody needs you or you wouldn't be here.
Well said
How I love your txt and "starting with laundry and walking my dog " I'm 88 and still doing the same. smile ....
I’d like to add an additional issue when dealing with ambiguous grief. All the motivational & self help speakers and books. You know, the “don’t think you can’t reach that goal, think of a different way to reach that goal”. Or being told if you had more positive energy, good things would “manifest” for you. Or “you’re not hungry enough “
It puts some people in an even worse depression.
I’m 61, had goals and dreams from childhood (music and fine art), and never achieved what I thought I would. Not in a family life, not in a career, not financially. Then I looked into self help and positive manifestation literature, but it left me feeling it was my fault because I didn’t try hard enough, or I wasn’t positive enough. It ended up leaving me feeling like a failure…which put me in an even worse depression.
Toxic positivity is called that for a reason. There's a great YT video on it. One of the errors about toxic positivity is that it ignores the real world that exists outside the person. The overwhelming majority of life activities require other people to do their jobs. If they don't, whatever is supposed to happen will not happen even if you do everything you are supposed to do. A friend once took me to task for thinking it was all about me when I'm reality it wasn't . she reminded me that if I've done all I was supposed to do the failure is NOT mine. End of story. The trick is to grieve the loss while remembering it does not reflect on you as a person, no matter what other people say.
@@ak5659Thank you
Dr., this is the first time I have felt validated about the grief I feel about not having children, not staying married and multiple death losses. My family just tells me to decide to be happy and you will be. Thank you for this video and thank you for acknowledging what you call ambiguous grief.
What people need is to just be understood....REALLY understood and not to feel as if they were too self-absorbed.
"Just decide to be happy and you will be" I'm familiar with that kind of reality denial.
I'll skip the boring details, but I've had probably two dozen professionals over the years tell me that when you have a person insists for years/decades something is 'fine' when it clearly isn't OR insists it can be overcome by attitude adjustment when it clearly can't, there's little that even the best professionals can do to orient the person to reality. I need to accept I can't do anything about people who insist that clearly visible, physical issues are psychosomatic. It's their reality detachment, not mine and I'm not to take any ownership or responsibility.
I don'teknow if this helps or not.
Anyone who starts advice with 'Just...' either has never been in your shoes, or doesn't understand who you are. My best friend who is 74 told me that there's no such thing as 'just' - his advice will always help me to be discerning on giving advice on my own as well as other's circumstances
wow, you said it! there is no "just"! when faced with intense caregiving, plus keeping a home, plus a full time job, lots of people (who had significantly more time, and more money and more support in their lives) told me to "just" ...just hire someone, just take time for yourself, just say no to the needs of the ill family member...so many were convinced it was all my choice and all i had to do was just.... @@magnetdesignandadver
This discussion addresses just what I went through several years ago. I owned a gardening business for about 12 years. I absolutely loved the gardening aspect, lucked out by having mostly great employees and clients, but I was terrible at being an effective businessperson. As a result, we lost $180k and filed for bankrupcy. I felt like a total failure.
When I started my business, it was my second career. I thought that I had finally found my calling. I was in the best mood when I had my hands in the dirt. When it failed, I was convinced that the best part of my life was over. I grieved not just the loss of the business but also my reason for living. So what's the point of going forward? I didn't want to die. I just didn't care about living.
It only got better when I opened myself up to the idea that maybe it was the creative part of designing and installing beautiful gardens (and helping to share my appreciation of Mother Nature with clients and employees) was the important part. I've always been a crafty person, so I found a variety of projects that give me the same feeling of creating something beautiful. I believe that is what my life's purpose truly is. And there will always be more to create. Maybe the best is yet to come, after all.
What kind of work did you have to transition to after that?
good job for making it thru the "dark valley of failure!" I wanted to be a doctor but failed out of school. it took me a long time to get over it
Unbelievable that it took you 180K to realize there was a problem.
@@MC-vd5kp hey…
We have a parallel philosophy. I always encourage people to stay active. Build something, paint something, even dumpster dive and restore something. Stay active, there's free or cheap productive things to do if they look for it.
I never had words to what I’ve been feeling the last few years and now I go. I wanted a child and the realization that it’s never going to happen pushed me deeper into depression. I didn’t know this kind of feeling was an actual thing. No one talks about it.
Just went through recognizing the loss of a dream. At 66 it happens frequently. This needs to be told pre retirement to everyone! The one thing you didn't mention was the birth of new dreams. It's never too late to adjust your dreams to fit your current circumstances. Difficult, yes. Impossible no. I went from a pottery studio to watercolor because of space and finances. I will take everything I learned from one facet of my life and apply it to another. It isn't starting over, it's just furthering the journey.
that's not always possible, the career that I worked so hard at so that I could eventually have my own home with a small garden has initiated pay cuts every six months from last year. Then I was diagnosed with cancer and I'm having to work while going through chemotherapy because I'm barely paying my rent as it is. I'm past middle age, with no family no spouse and no children. I have to accept that I have nothing and I will die with nothing.
@@peaceofmyhearthomestead4611A door and a piece of dirt is not too much to ask for after earning it.
I see your point, Sweetwaterfarms2928 -in fact did that ten years ago at age 70, by going back to work, learning a new skill, and loved every minute. But at 80, and with ill health now, thoughts jump up and create a world of can't do it anymore. That is what age has to do with this topic. * Or in the case of the other comment by peaceofmyhearthomested4611, when devastating illness takes hold of life, the vista changes. The ideal and the reality sometimes just don't work out, and, the sadness of dreams fade into the realm of depression. But, I agree, if possible, look for new dreams. Because in the searching them out, you may find one that works, and fits your life, which can help bring hope back. Your ideal is great to inspire looking outwards for a new dream, because much of this is about thoughts we are dealing with. 🥀🌻
Please don't take this the wrong way, but we are all only renters here, and we all die with nothing. I am sorry about the cancer and the work, it has to be rough. Do you have any bit of inside space to put a few pretty pots where you can grow something? Maybe some hardy herbs that you can put under a grow light so you can tend them, touch and smell their fragrance? Mint, dill, rosemary, basil, oregano? So there is little work to care for them, but you still have the joy of tending growing things? Just a pretty little kitchen herb garden?
I did that with my art as through the years my career was destroyed. I went to a tiny 8"x10" easel, then trading cards and watercolor and colored pencils. Then I quit. Ten years later I now have real studio space, but I'm afraid that if I get it all finally set up, everything will be ripped away from me again. My grief from all the prior loss is huge. But even when I worked tiny, I still lost myself in the joy of creation. I have to make peace yet again with the grief.
I wish for you peace and blessings.
@@roughroadstudio I'm too sick to care for anything. I've had to rehome my dog, all of my chickens and my gardens have all died. i'll be homeless by the beginning of the year, as I've been too sick to work as well. It takes 90 days to be evicted. I'm not sure how long it will take before they repossess my car.
This video is incredibly affirming.
I will never forget the wave of loss and grief that hit me when in my early twenties I realized that it was literally too late for me to ever have a childhood best friend because I was no longer a child, and hadn’t been one for some time. It was something I grew up watching my sibling have, and that I’d spent almost my entire life up to that point hoping and dreaming that I would have someday.
I didn’t know what to call it, but my grief over the loss of that dream was so profound that it made me very aware of how much it can hurt when our dreams die.
Don't feel bad about that. I had a "childhood friend" for 44 years, and when she betrayed my trust and caused me harm and distress, I realized she had never heard, felt, or seen me. It was like a death after I ended it. But there was never any substance to it to begin with. So now, no regrets. I am a hermit now.
This is simply and devastatingly….regret. Remorse is regret for things you have done but worse is coming to terms with regret for things you did not do. You can call it ambiguous grief if you like but it is grief for chances and opportunities missed or not taken. We all suffer regrets. I never aimed for love and now it is too late. Whatever you missed out on, it is still regret.
Wow. Thank you So much... for saying this.
I needed to hear what you've explained. 🙌
Reget for things I did, and didn't do...
The guilt and grief are unbearable to me..
I couldn't handle...
Completely devastating is Correct.
I hope you're okay?
🙌
@@klanderkal Like you, you deal with it or you break. Sometimes you actually have to break BEFORE you can understand, accept and move on. Growing and developing as a full human being, means accepting our missteps ….and moving on through. The positive side is that if we face ourselves , we find the courage to carry on. We all, every one of us, eff up at some point or another. Does it help if I quote Kierkegaard? Life can only be lived forwards but understood backwards. So I try direct compassion towards myself too! I was who I was then. No amount of regret can change that. Only acceptance.
@lindastormonth4764 Thank you ❤️... zi really appreciate those kind words, and the encouragement. 🫶
.... I haven't been able to accept. I hurt so badly with regret. I know, it's the past, nothing can change what happened, I can't get my job back... but, it's so destroyed me. I just can't find away to let it go. I ruminate on so many mistakes foolish decisions . I just hate myself and the consequences of my stupidity. I've destroyed what makes me, ME.
I have severe depression now. I nolonger enjoy doing anything I used to. And lost the want to live anymore. I wish I could Snap-Out of this negative downward spirle.
You are Strong.! ... I need to somehow survive 🙏 how can I do this?... Thank you 🙏for helping me. 🙌💕 KaL.
Only just found your channel, and your insights go beyond training, at 80 years of age, this video will hit some marks for sure. Two years of shut in from pandemic, age and health issues are thieves, that we of age will never get back. Isolation and age, left dreams unopened. But, your many video's hold answers to minutes of life left, and thank you, Dr. Scott Eilers.
That’s exactly what this will be about. I truly hope it helps ❤️
I posted a long note about your YT site, and this upcoming presentation in particular, on my family FB page, hope some will find your presentation.
@@DrScottEilersIt’s difficult to express, on a public platform, just how much this video has touched my life. I’ve been in an extreme situation for several years searching for the key to understanding myself. Your solution made something click on in my brain. There aren’t enough words to express my gratitude for this knowledge. So, thank you.
i understand...all the woulda, shoulda, coulda moments are sooooo hard to bear. but we are here, sister. ❤God Bless
I know several people in their 80s and 90s who have said just this- being 'shut in' for most of 2 years, restricted access to family and friends and many cancelled medical/dental apointments (none considered essential but at that age all important) have resulted in people who were still mentally and physically reasonably fit and able to enjoy life being sadly restricted in their last years. As one 90 year old said to me 'I'd rather take my chance and live normally, after all I have to die of something, rather than cower at home' going nowhere, doing nothing, seeing no-one.
I'm 52 and I've given my dream of home ownership and having a partner. Sometimes I feel like it's the worst grief I've felt. I'm going to try the idea of having a funeral for both! Hopefully it will allow me to let go and move forward. Thank you for shining a light into this dark spot.
I’m in the same boat but most of the time I see couples that make me glad I’m single . Marriage is not all it’s cracked up to be . And the globalists want to take away property ownership so who cares if we are still renting . Do we really own it ? You can’t take it with you 😊
Moving forward is overrated. Focus on present instead.
You can move on and still keep the dream alive. You're only 52. You can still meet the person of your dreams and have a wonderful relationship. I say this because I met my partner when I was older and we are still together 5 years later. You can have new dreams and keep your options open at the same time. Being alone has many perks as well. Hang in there! ❤
This hit home with me deeply. I realized when I turned 40 that I was never going to marry or have kids and grandkids. I felt as if I was on the outside looking in and "everyone else" was getting all their dreams fulfilled and I was left behind to rot.
Now that I'm way older, I just wish I had that age 40s knowledge in my 20s. I would have given up a lot sooner and would have quit hoping. Hope, once lost, dries up the soul IMO. I've been depressed most of my life and there's nothing much I can do about it but it does seem somewhat better now that I'm in my 60s. The world sucks in many respects and I've come to realize that you can't always get what you want. And....there isn't someone for everyone. Many of us were meant to be alone and lonely and that's that. Grieve about it and then move on.
Hit a nerve with me too , just different reasons .
Be grateful 🙏. My son developed mental illness and hurt us like you wouldn't imagine. Enjoy your pets and free time... kids are overrated.
I understand how you feel. I thought there would be a chance, but now I know that the prospect of finding a partner is impossible now, even while I'm still in my 20s. There isn't someone for everyone, as you said; I just wish I've given up sooner too.
@@julieseward1385not helpful
It's hard I'm in the same boat
Yes. I awakened to the fact that I will never completely overcome/change/transform the trauma effects once and for all. I'm about 70 and I thought the work would be finished and life would be grand. I'm still dogged, one layer at a time. Vitality is dwindling.
Omg when I realized I would never have children 😢Yes I’m grieving the loss of my never babies and it is a gut punch of loneliness. It keeps attacking Out of the blue. Thank you for acknowledging this for us.
Awesome content. The day I accepted a 180 paradigm shift and had to let go a dream that was never to be, is the day I lost the ability to see in color for three months, and had apathy for at least 4 years. This type of grief can be the most dangerous I believe. And I very much enjoyed your thoughtful presentation that shines a light upon this subject.
I’m 40 years old and I feel like I understand what you’re saying. When I was about 25, I went through a horrendously painful experience that permanently changed the course of my life. I trudged through about 10 years of deep, dark, lingering depression. Then, somehow, I broke free. It seemed to have happened only after I completely gave up on my hopes and dreams and stopped caring what became of me. It’s funny and sounds strange but I relied on my imagination to conjure up the feelings of things that I wanted in my life (but didn’t really care if I got them or not). And, oddly, each of those things actually came into my life in the form of real-life things or experiences. The combination of a carefree attitude and vivid imagination seem to have really worked for me. I feel like I’ve conquered something.
You gave me a bit of hope. Thank you
My experience was similar. Happiness eventually somehow crept up on me. And grew. And grew.
In a sense, letting go of everything was the catalyst for change.
You let go of any expectations and it freed you up to discover more, and your imagination stayed aware
So well described
Visualization to manifest things! Thanks for the reminder.
This is the poem I created for myself:
"Nothin' but a dreamer, livin' without a dream.
Like a poet without a poem. And a singer without a song.
Life just passes me by, while I keep on dreamin' on."
I'm reminded of part of the Tyler Durden speech in Fight Club "We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off." We have no "meaning" there's just "distraction" it's all there is. - and then we loose even our pseudo meanings distraction "hopes and dreams", empty and worthless as they are.
I am 62 and my physical body is finally showing signs of breaking down. My ambiguous grief comes from the death of my physical strength and vigor of my younger years. I am ok with aging and that I may not have done some things in my life that I thought I might do, but for some reason my physical body breaking down has just devastated me. I have always been able to handle setbacks in my life and keep plowing ahead, but it is taking everything I have to power through this grief I am feeling right now.
I'm going through that right now too.
Thank you so much for your video! I'm fifty, but I realized about five years ago that the reason that I read crying uncontrollably everyday wasn't simply depression but because I was in mourning for my life. Not that I really did anything about it. I'm still just wasting away my existence. I'm not sure what a ritual would look like or even if it would matter. Therapy and medication were kind of a joke.
Still, your video helped me to understand that I'm not the only one who feels this way. ❤
Ambiguous grief= when my mother died and I realized we would never have the sweet relationship I always hoped for.