The one trait to look for in a partner
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 25 ก.ย. 2024
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I've been taking notes on my parents (happily married nearly 35 years). Here are a few traits:
(1) They're biased towards each other. Neither of them is perfect, but they're minimally bothered by each other's flaws. They've long since accepted and come up with ways to cope with the things they don't like about each other.
(2) They genuinely listen to each other and accept each other's influence. They make decisions together and talk things out. This leaves fairly little room for disagreements to snowball into bigger arguments, let alone fights. I can tell you, they don't fight. They might get snippy or irritated, but they never fight because their pattern of being together lets things diffuse early on and relatively easily.
(3) They want the same things out of life. From the kind of home they have, the pattern of their day, to their big goals in life, they match.
(4) They're open about their gratitude for each other, saying thank you for little and big things alike.
So if I sum up :
1) Accepting the other without judgment or will to change him / her
2 ) Good conflct skills / communication
3) They want the same things, have the same rythms, have common goals
4) They don't take each other for granted and cultivate gratitude.
Yep, it looks like a sweet relationship; as a divorced child I wish I could have been able to seen that, still nice to read it exist ❤🩹
Yes, all of the above + kind and fair communication skills, especially in disagreements (happily married for over 10 years now)
Loved this! I would also point out that having similar values are very important, while having different personalities might sometimes be a good thing but holding different values is way too difficult to manage in marriage/longterm partnership.
Anyways thanks for sharing!
I bet telling the truth is also something they do.
Most people don't do that and will end up either cheating or exploding over some small preventable issue. Working on marriage looks kinda boring, but telling eachother the truth when it's hard is up there.
soo.... 2 solid fives in agreeableness (?
"Or are YOU someone with high neuroticism? Yes I am, I'm working on it" was almost exactly the comment I wanted to write. Anna is a wonder.
True 👍👍👍
Hahah i felt attacked 😬😂
Me too, lmao
It’s fine to have high neuroticism, it’s something you can’t control. What you can do is be self aware and learn tools to deal with your neurotic impulses so they don’t have a stranglehold on your relationships (let’s be honest- I don’t think a person with no neuroticism watches self help videos for fun 😅)
To my understanding, the Big 5 personality traits remain relatively stable over a person’s lifetime, but as SqueekyToy123 suggests, you can learn to manage neurotic impulses better.
me scoring myself a 3 on conscientiousness at 4:30am
Been married almost 20 years, you have to realize the perfect partner DOESNT EXIST. You both have to be willing to work in the realionship,if only one or neither is willing to work, it will never work out. You WILL ALWAYS have fight now and then, it's inevitable. You have to have the mindset that a break up or divorce is not an option and you both have to work it out together. Both people have to not be so quick to leave a great relationship over a petty argument or disagreement.
Over petty arguments, yes i agree one shouldnt bring up divorce in does
But in the bigger picture if both parties realise the relationship is not compatible/cons of staying together outweigh the pros, then yes divorce should be considered
@@f.p1758 the idea’s making it work. Working with the cons so the pros outweigh. Of course it’s always easier to part.
@@rian5574 How would it in any way be easy to leave someone you once loved? It is not easy, but it can be the best decision.
While I agree with the 'don't give up' sentiment in healthy relationships, some people get stuck in unhealthy relationships and they should definitely part ways.
Does marriage work if both partners are perfect for each other in every other way but one of them is not sexually attracted to the other? Like he finds me really hot apparently but he NEVER wants to have sex.
@@erzascarlet47 Sex is not an issue until it is. Then it becomes the issue. How would that relationship work for the partner that has sexual urges, feeling like the other is conceding themselves out of duty. That's depressing.
Can we give the editor props for making everything flow "just right."
Def the silent hero here
@@owlcu SHUT UP
why THANK YOU Midwest Appeals LLC I appreciate it ❤
I believe Anna is the editor. She def use to be.
YESSS🔥🔥🔥
In my experience, I have found that we tend to attract the mirror image of our emotional selves. So if you feel like you've been dating the wrong kind of people, you might need to look inward and find the issues in yourself that need to be worked on (therapy helps). The more that you are striving towards becoming your ideal self, you will eventually find someone that is running that same race right next to you.
THIS!!!!!
I heard something similar from one of my mentors. He said we don't attract what we want but that we attract what we are a vibrational match to. We attract "the one" by becoming the one ourselves. This resonates so much with me.
Forget about ideal self. Do everything to make yourself happy, not to become some ideal
@@trappart9209 what if working towards your ideal self makes you happy? 😮
@@PatrickMartinez1 still it is about making yourself happy not about making yourself ideal
Openness to experiences does not automatically imply a willingness to cheat. I think I would score very high on openness to experiences (going skydiving, deep-sea diving, living in foreign countries) but I believe firmly in loyalty and devotion to one person
I think this has more to do with trends found in research and not necessarily is true in every case
@@laconsuela69 Aye, it's just data statistics for the average
It's more so doing it spontaneously than just doing extreme sports lol; it more so talks about someone getting angry with their partner, going out and getting flirted with at a bar and cheating on your partner with you because they're spontaneous, not because they wanna skydive lol
there's actually an improved version of big 5 called HEXACO (created by two psychologists based on research) which adds honesty-humility to the parameters (someone with a high score in honesty-humility avoids manipulating others for personal gain, feel little temptation to break rules, are uninterested in lavish wealth and luxuries, and feel no special entitlement to elevated social status), i believe this honesty-humility factor plays a much more bigger role in determining whether someone would cheat or not instead of the openness factor
@@fyreal9123 Yeah that probably makes more sense than just using OCEAN then. I'm extremely high in both openness and honesty-humility. I was confused about the connection between openness and cheating cause I feel like it makes me more communicative to my partner about my issues (rather than turning elsewhere for support), and I couldn't imagine cheating or lying to them.
5 Traits (rank on scale of 1-5):
Openness to Experiences - Spontaneous, Impulsive, Seeks novel experiences
Conscientiousness - Organized, Motivated, Disciplined, Achievement oriented
Extroversion - Talkative, Energetic, Assertive, Gregarious
Agreeableness - Warm, Kind, Empathetic, Altruistic, Modest
Neuroticism - Moody, Irritability, Anxious, Depressed
And top 3 qualities you like.
Yours and your partner attachment style. Low in novelty seeking, neuroticism and high in other.
If you’re anxiously attached, or fearful avoidant leaning anxious you’re more drawn to people who are avoidant because your subconscious comfort zone is to avoid self, and the avoidant’s comfort zone is to prioritize themselves and be dismissive of you and your needs. So it’s a bit deeper than making a list (although this is very helpful), you have to change your subconscious comfort zone. Connect to self, get to know self and standards for a partner, what your needs are, reprogram core wounds surrounding “I am not enough” or “I will be abandoned” (etc) and be consistent for 21 days to see the needle shift. Naturally, you will start losing interest in people who lack emotional presence.
While what you've said is true, you need a lot more than 21 days to "reprogram" your core beliefs
@@iskrenaraykova7210 This is simply not true. I don’t mean to sound arrogant with my comment, but this is backed by neuroscience and psychology. Neuroscience has shown that it takes about 21 days to make new associations (hence when I said make the needle shift)… About 60 days of you want it really primed into your unconscious. Within 21 days, our reticular activating system starts to shift to start seeking evidence that supports our new belief. You can literally feel things changing. You need a lot of awareness and insight into how to do it, and especially how to challenge core beliefs at various levels (the belief, thought, and behavioural), but you can absolutely start to shift your core beliefs within 21 days. Thank you, neuroplasticity. There are other things you can do to support a shift in beliefs like: learning boundaries, learning your needs and strategies to meet them, etc., but reprogramming your subconscious associations to beliefs does not hinge on them. It’s repetition + emotion + evidence to shift the “scales” - I.e changes in the amygdala and hippocampus. Responsible for our threat response and memory.
Can you go more in depth on how to do it
I haven't heard of any of this, but at the start of the year I told myself I'd only get close to people who have a better communication, because it's an area that I'm lacking and I've had enough problema because of miscommunication. Now I'm dating the best person ever.
They not only talk about their feelings but listen to me babbling about my confusing emotions (because I have zero practice with them). They respect me and they're very patient, they can tell I'm trying my best and usually says they're proud of how far I am
I hope to get a happily ever after with them but, if life gets in the way, I'll never forget how they taught me to accept and love myself.
And I also hope you all have someone that makes you feel like them make me. You all deserve someone that make you love live and yourselves every day more.
That jump from "Like to try new things" to "definitely will cheat on you" is freaking wild....
Message him for help👇
drprinceakunda.
@gmail
It is also not connected to it at all. She hasn't understood those traits in any kind of way. Disagreeableness is connected to cheating which makes way more sense and is actually the case.
Obviously the “definitely” was a joke. But it absolutely makes sense that people who prefer more variety in general might also prefer that in their sex lives and be less monogamous.
5 Major Traits:
1. Openness to experience, Novelty seeking
2. Conscientiousness
3. Extroversion
4. Agreeableness
5. Neuroticism
Also take note of you and your partner's attachment styles
Thank you for sharing that
Ty
lol those traits are so broad which are not insightful at all
if u wanna marry a very successful man. you can never find agreeableness on him. or its hard to get it.
Four attachment styles:
1. Secure
2. Anxious Preoccupied
3. Avoidant
4. Fearful Avoidant
the five traits you mentioned are the traits that are part of the five factor model of personality (openness, neuroticism, agreeableness, extroversion, agreeableness). Dr. K talks about that quite a bit, and it's one of few validated models for personality, so for this author to mention these traits maps consistently with what western science says about personality.
The OCEAN model stands for: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, Neuroticism. I think you accidentally put "agreeableness" twice 🧐
This videos is very useful. As a person who doesn’t have the money for therapy right now I find it very helpful to have such nuggets of self help information so often. They are very well made
true gold in a relationship is devotion to one's self-mastery maintained through conscious commitment to your partner. Committed union will always make the unconscious within you, conscious. A commitment to work with each other so each can cultivate their fullest and most free potential is the sweet spot!
love!
Not saying neuroticism is healthy, but being high in neuroticism and openness I think that it has led me to seek out a lot of help.
Like I will be worrying and obsessing over a problem and won't rest until it is solved. I have found so much knowledge because of it.
I wonder if most of the people watching your videos are high in neuroticism because we have no choice but to heal or our anxiety and depression compound.
Maybe the alchemized version of neuroticism is having a high capacity for introspection and sensitivity to what needs to heal.
Sometimes I feel like the people that suffers the most reach the deepest corners of their souls. It has definitely put me on a journey of self discovery and healing.
As a highly neurotic person, I found myself a highly neurotic wife. I still can’t believe when she even manages to go over the top of where I would be at. It’s fantastic!
Want a happy relationship? Make sure they aren't narcissistic
Openness is also open to new ideas and correlated with intelligence. It's not a "bad" trait
Of course not, but I would assume high in openness would also mean they are most likely to accept polygamy or at least try it
I know right? I am spontaneous and I like to try new things… As they say, the world is your oyster, but I have never cheated.
I believe that in todays time, neuroticism is high for most people. Especially ever since covid happened. Finding someone with low neuroticism might be difficult. Instead, we should have more understanding and patience with those who may have high neuroticism instead of treating like a "red flag."
You don’t have to be and really shouldn’t patient for anybody who is not openly aware and willingly and demonstratively working on their neuroticism and how it actually manifests in the relationship.
Having mood swings and irritability isn’t inherently a red flag, but an inability to accept that these traits can stifle growth and conflict resolution in the relationship and making no real effort especially when confronted is very much good cause to avoid you.
Glad you can comment on behalf of the 8 billion people in the world without asking them.
Unfortunately in many scenarios, understanding leads to enabling/normalizing the behavior, which creates an environment where it not only thrives, but grows and festers. What you're suggesting can lead to negative long term consequences for both parties. Never compromise or tear down your boundaries at the expense of trying to be understanding for someone else. It may seem nice in the short term, but it certainly not kind for yourself or the other person at any point in the relationship.
How about we all take responsibility for our own mental health ? If we think we have some issues that need do working we should do some inner work before jumping into a relationship...
Hmm i dont but, I guess it is quite rare
blinkist+goodreads+therapy
exactly what the doctor ordered. thank you Anna
Agreeableness is such an attractive trait.
"Happily Ever After" is an impossible lie we tell ourselves. I've been married 15 years, as have most of my friends. All marriages have ups and downs. But as long as you're putting in the effort to keep it going and trying to make things better, you have a good marriage. (And that makes the "up" times pretty wonderful.)
👏 Thanks, and congrats to fifteen years!
🥂 Here's to another fifteen more!
I agree to this however the effort should be reciprocal
We should just wish for them to be a good person who means no harm to anyone and is willing to communicate. Everything else will flow from there
I used statistics to choose my life partner and never been happier. Look back at all your dates/partners and pick the dates/partners you were most compatible with, with the traits they offered. Then you sort of know what your getting yourself into straight off the bat and drop your walls to commit.
My most compatible was an INFJ except we differed on politics and religion. I sought out another INFJ, and it's going really well so far ^_^ (This one is the same wavelength for politics and religion
What statistics?
@@GuidetteExpert Same question lol
I was lucky that we just clicked on the first date and that from that day on we were both taken permanently.❣
@@xLovebirdx Meyers-Briggs has been thoroughly debunked and is not based on any rigorous evidence. You may as well follow astrology, or a psychic.
The origin of these traits is the big five personality test. If anyone wants to actually score them selves instead of just guessing horribly wrong, I suggest that you go find a free version of the big five personality test to take, and in fact you could ask the person you are dating for their personality type and it can be a fun little thing.
So basically I am complete disqualified from dating for checking all the boxes in the negative traits😂
Same 😅
I'd like to thank you for all the books and therapy you do for all of us 💕💕
❤️😊❤️😊
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This is why I think people should marry when they feel totally sure and committed, after knowing each other for a good while. Thanks for these great videos, Anna!
I'm surprised that Open to Experience is recommended to be low/moderate. In myself, I consider this to be a massive part of my ambition for self-improvement (coupled with my Conscientiousness/Extroversion/Agreeableness). If I had less Openness, I would be more ignorant/narrow-minded and likely to stay within a small echo chamber, even if I am gregarious, assertive, kind, and understanding within that small circle. But I think that Openness can (maybe even ought to be) be very high AS LONG AS other traits like Agreeableness and Conscientiousness are high too. I think it's the LACK of those traits that indicates unfaithfulness and long-term instability.
Open to experience means lower stability.
Your continuous self-improvement means things keep changing. That may not be what a partner wants in you.
Being in an echo chamber is great for family stability.
Remember, when someone decides to marry you, she is happy with the version of you at that point in time. Make that version last forever is the way to keep a long lasting relationship.
Of course, if continuous self improvement is one of the things she values high about you, then by all means keep changing yourself.
@@niccolom I think the only constant is change and it’s impossible to make any version of you last forever. I think healthy long term relationships accept the uncertainty of change. Keeping certain traits (like those big 3) high and stable is what makes it easier to accept that uncertainty. If I were highly Open but low with Conscientiousness and Agreeableness, I think even the most confident partner who also prefers novelty would have trouble trusting and feeling close to me.
Thinking again, I agree that it wouldn’t make sense to outright prescribe/strive for high Openness because I think it goes hand in hand with Extraversion in that the opposite traits: Introversion or preference towards familiarity are simply alternate lifestyles they could be happy with and have preferences for. And I think most people want others who are not emotionally volatile (low Neuroticism) and who are extremely understanding (high Agreeableness) and extremely reliable (high Conscientiousness). The other two seem more open to personal preference.
(Edit: could you explain how echo chambers are good for family stability? I don’t understand how those align.)
@@FruitOnHead I think that the implication that high Openness implies experiences with others and getting FOMO relies on having high Extraversion and Neuroticism respectively. With high E and N (or with low E and high N) that could indicate a cheater/abandoner. With high E but low N, they’re the life of the party with many stories to tell. With low E and N, it implies a highly independent adventurer. The latter two may be hard to build a bond with even if you have similar levels, but I wouldn’t advocate looking for someone with lower O because of it.
That is to say, I think it’s really N we need to be wary of and to maximize A and C for lasting relationships. (And not maximizing them if you aren’t looking for LTRs.) I think O and E are more just personal preference.
(Edit: this makes me curious about the original studies. They may have studied a skewed population where the majority of Os had certain levels of other traits that then correlate to being unfaithful/unstable. If there was a study making sure to have a varied population of high Os, maybe we could pinpoint a significant combination of the other traits. I’d like to see more about the intersectionality of the traits rather than comparing them independent of each other.)
Well, I think that's the key: if two people are both narrow-minded and stay together within a small echo chamber, the probability that they stay together and don't grow apart is very high. If people tend to self-improve and grow, there's always the danger (or chance) to grow apart. I think the latter is also a common reason for divorce.
@@jusssable that can be true. I think that longevity doesn’t necessarily mean healthy. The low O/low O couple may be unhappily together with the belief that they can’t/shouldn’t split up. Whereas the high O/high O growing couple could absolutely just split up but also could transform their relationships to things like open relationships/polycules that vary fluidly with who is whose Primary.
I am very high on openness to experience and novelty seeking and I have never cheated on anyone I have ever been with.
I agree. I only look for people who take care of themselves and have a good personality/charismatic. Money and looks can come later.
It's convenient Big Five tests are available for free online nowadays! After taking some time to assess their big five personality traits, get him/her to take the big five test with you "for fun" then note their score, give them between 2-6 months see if their actual behavior is consistent with the test results and your initial assessment, then make a judgement call.
I see John Gottman has already been mentioned in here, but I can't recommend his book The Relationship Cure enough! It summarizes his 30+ years of research incredibly well and goes into detail about how responses to our 'bids' for attention affect not only our romantic partners, but also relationships with friends, family, and coworkers.
When I was just a pup my much older brother-in-law was telling me there are three main qualities of a mate you consider: sanity, intelligence, and beauty. You can have only two of those three.
i will always stick around to watch the ads at the end just because every single time i chuckle when i hear "daddy squarespace" 😘
John Gottman's research about successful marriages is also really interesting and helpful.
One of his results is that fighting is important because it allows conflicts to be resolved. But at the same time, fighting cannot be no-holds-barred: people in successful relationships are always repairing the relationship, even during a fight and definitely afterward. Something like: "You really need to clean up after yourself. *sigh* you're lucky you're so good looking *laugh*" is not the perfect thing to say but it allows the speaker to complain but they are not completely devaluing their partner (they are reconfirming that they want to stay in the relationship while at the same time asking for change).
Personally, I hate it when my partner says "you're lucky you're cute" (usually after I've said or done something dumb or clumsy) because it makes me feel reduced to that singular value of attractiveness & objectification.
I would hate for anyone to stay with me just because they found me physically attractive.
I know that's not what he means, but it just rubs me the wrong way.
Repair behavior is critical in parenting, too! “I’m sorry, I still love you, can we hug?” almost always helps.
Gottman is intellectually dishonest unfortunately. His claim that he can predict marriage success is false. They never ran his algorithm on new cases and instead overfit the algorithm/parameters to existing data. They haven't publicly acknowledged this either.
The five factor personality model is often called the OCEAN model because the traits spell that word. She even listed them in that order , not sure if that was a coincidence. Personality by daniel nettle is a great book on it
I learned CANOE in college!
@@Julia-mn9hf my college professor and I had an argument over which acronym was better… but thats all water under the bridge now
@alexanderdeadmansche more like ocean under the canoe, am I right? 😂
@AnnaAKana_ hi
@AnnaAKana_ oh taxt brendasong to say hi
Novelty seeking is merely a facet of openness to experience. Dark triad is more related to cheating than openness to experience.
Score below (1-5)
Good traits (should be high)
1. Conscientious - organised, motivated, achievement oriented, disciplined
2. Agreeableness - warm, kind, empathetic, altruistic, modest
3. Extraversion - talkative, energetic, gregarious, assertive
Bad traits (should be low to moderate)
4. Neuroticism - moody, irritability, anxious, depressed
5. Open to new experiences - spontaneous, impulsive, seeks novelty experiences
openness is also quite a good trait, because it is also connected to intellectuality, interest in art, generally more tolerance and less judgementality and intelligence. People too high in conscientiousness tend to be extremely narrow and career focused. So, not a great foundation for any kind of relationship. I mean look at people like Elon Musk who work all the damn time. No chance to connect with them.
@@sonicmaths8285 also extraversion doesn't have to be high at all.
If you believe Openness is by-and-large a negative trait & you let that guide your search for relationship, you will largely struggle. The only exception being if you are extremely low in Openness, new experience, novelty & creativity yourself.
I advise against labeling any of these traits at good or bad. I also advise against mistaking tendency for certainty. Someone high in openness may be more likely to cheat on you, but that doesn’t mean they will. At the end of the day, choice governs a lot, and who a person chooses to be is often who they end up being. Additionally, everyone is different. For example, if you’re high in openness, being with someone who is much lower in openness will most likely lead to frustration. The big 5 might be a good guide, but certainly not an end all be all.
This advice should be broadcast to everyone
All I remember from my 2 past relationships is anxiety.
Reach out with him👇
drprinceakunda
@gmail.
Those are definitely not healthy relationships. My husband is my haven. I feel calm with him. (but not in a boring way at all). I had a boyfriend before him that was very unreliable and caused only anxiety and heartbreak. Then I met my husband and I was like "oh, that's what a relationship is supposed to feel like." Butterflies even after 14 years, but a sense of calm and having come home.
great, tall is the only thing i've got going for me, now you've taken that away. thanks alot.
You don’t know yourself or what you want until you have had many different experiences.
Even me at 59 i am still evolving and learning who i am and what i want.
It can change
daddy square space
is the only constant we need
Life is not perfect, and you will never find a perfect partner. You just find someone who makes you happy and ticks as much as the boxes as possible. But don't expect perfection or you will never be happy with who you find. Everyone has flaws, some just more than others. I guess life is about compromises. It's like friends, there's just some things you don't like about them, but they have redeeming qualities too.
Those are just the big 5 personality traits. You don't really change or control those, they're just the 5 major traits that modern psychology has identified as the basic components of personality. Recommending that we avoid people with high neuroticism and high openness is practically saying that two fifths of the human population don't deserve to be in a relationship. Understanding the big 5 personality traits, along with the strengths and weaknesses that go along with each one, seems like it would go much farther in getting you into a healthy relationship than just nixing anyone that's high in either of two of them.
I've been single for 8 years and I scored 5% on agreeableness 😂😂 makes sense
I see all these intellectual comments and I love it but I also want to say your hair looks amazing!!!
The moral of the story is look for someone who treats you with genuine kindness, is maybe is a tad boring and might just be 5’7” instead of 6’1” or girls or might not be blonde for guys.
I agree in general. I think just look for a someone who treats everyone with kindness and that’s a great starting point. As someone who has been married happily for almost 20 years if you have low expectations and everything except for the absolute dealbreakers you will be happier.
This may sound like a silly question: but what are the top 5 deal breakers?
@@alignyourpractice it’s can very from person to person obviously. But things life fidelity, honesty and kindness are necessary but one’s interests and how the load the dishwasher are not. I think it’s people need to understand their true core values before they come up with dealbreakers.
There's just as many tall or attractive people who have the positive traits, as there are short and unatractive people.
I mean this is all well and good in theory and I love the intension behind it, but are you not worried that this leads to "settling" for an un-optimal partner?
I know there are so many people in modernity that you may say there shall always be someone "better". But I think that is avoiding the objective reality of the situation. That there are choices in romantic partners that is simply you settling for it out of comfort and convenience rather than genuine compatibility.
Would be keen to hear thoughts on this!
Just 5’7”? That’s still taller than me. Guess I’m unlovable.
Our marriage lasted 18 years. We were happy for some time. She passed before my eyes and I never felt so helpless. Best person I ever met.
A person isn't necessarily these things. These things are reactions to environment. When with some, I'm an introvert. With others, I am an extrovert.
I'd even dare say I possess all of those'ideal' traits.I know because it takes constant self-work and growth to get and stay there. But I'm just not that tall, which seems a deal-breaker to almost everyone.
This is like casting a net in the sea to see what you'll get... I hope the book talks about faith as one of the main factor. I have yet to see a happily married couple with two completely differently faith.
Hey friends are you trying to attract or manifest love?to get back your ex, manifest your specific person, He's the best in restoring back broken relationship and attracting love
Message him for help👇
drprinceakunda.
@gmail
You’re doing God’s work.
THANK YOU for spelling "you're" correctly 🙏🏻
I never felt interested in relationships and now it seems too late to learn. I go back and forth between thinking I should try harder and accepting my future as a cat lady 😂 I'm just not attracted to people that way for the most part, and without attraction a relationship seems pointless. You can get companionship from friendships and in friendships you don't have to sacrifice your autonomy.
Something I heard 15 years ago I'll never forget, "Love is when people's neuroses match"
Videos like this remind me why I will never be in a relationship. I'm not relationship material because I'm not willing to change who I am for the sake of attracting a partner.
Overall pretty good advice but I think the Novelty Seeking - Cheating correlation is people wanting to confirm their own biases. Wanting to experience new things doesn't make you a cheater.
Why novelty seeking is related to cheating? 'Cause I am very high in openness and my partner too, but we both are super loyal and there's literally not a person I can be attracted to than her? I don't think that's fair... People high in opennes to experience are the most interesting people you ever meet.
Something that I'd advise, out of those 3 most important qualities that you want in a partner, make sure you are those qualities too. *LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE*
So .. I'll never find love. Thanks. I'm low on agreeableness, low on extroversion and high in novelty seeking.
The person who gets cheated on.. adjust their own attraction antennae... Two planets revolve around each other.. if only they realised..
Here's my advice:
Lasting peace is better than initial happiness, however exhilirating.
I'm desperately waving at the screen at Anna after scoring my Agreeableness the highest of my traits
0.06 First section is just the words "baby don't hurt me" written out over and over again
This is literally Jonathan Haidt's five personality traits, but applied to love.
the people who study the psychology of love the most, ironically, have the least success
Novelty does not equal disloyalty. I am an adventurous foodie. I have been to 18 countries and learned to cook my favorite recipes from each. I am always looking for the entree I haven't tried, or a flavor combination I've never seen. Last week I found Thai Eggplants at the grocery store, bought them, googled them up, and cooked them, just because I've never heard of them before. And I have never cheated on a partner.
My neuroticism on one of these tests was 98%
Try 99% 😆😏 lol jk I haven’t taken the test. Do you know Where I can take one?
According to Robert McRae and Paul Costa who came up with the big 5, openness to experience doesn't necessarily refer to novelty seeking. It's also about creativity, imagination, curiosity, appreciation for art. So I guess maybe looking for someone who has is relatively high in both openness to experience and conscientiousness.
All very solid advice & information... as per usual. Thank you Anna & Tashiro!
Even though I've never been married, I drew similar conclusions about what to look for in a partner, mostly from observing the successes and failures of everyone around me, as well as some sound advice from those with a solid understanding of compatibility between partners. The first step is always, to be honest with yourself.
So the secret to relationship sustainability, is to become a *doormat?*
Remember... It's all about "give and take".
You give, *they TAKE!*
No, it's to not be a annoyingly neurotic, insufferably disagreeable, easily bored pain in the keister.
@@OmniscientlyMe Oh... A George Costanza!
It's called compromise - negotiating differences with your partner in a way that both people can agree to. It's a sign of maturity, commitment and respect, and it definitely strengthens relationships.
Obviously, there are also relationships like the one you described, where the balance of power is tipped disproportionately in one partner's favour. And of course these kinds of relationships are extremely unhealthy and toxic. But that doesn't mean that agreeableness is a bad trait. What it means is that agreeable people should seek partners who truly appreciate their compassionate and understanding natures, instead of those who just take advantage of it.
Yes. People like doormats because they are able to do what they want with little to no opposition. They also get a lot from doormats and don’t need to give much in return.
If she or he hits you before wedding then she will continue hitting you after wedding.
No. The most important trait is how egoistic is your partnet? If high, (s)he will do everything to make her/him happy instead of you. Take it from someone who actually is happily married. Its not about 50/50, its about you give a whole 100% to her/him and (s)he gives 100% back
That one was ...way too simplistic imo. The shortcut between "neurotic = 0 chance of healthy communication" or "open to experience = cheater", wow
I'm very high in terms of openness to new experiences and known by close friends and former partners to be one of the most loyal people ever for instance.
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I'm already exhausted... Don't get married that's what I am getting from this.
This is really good, Anna. Thank you very much for doing this, I really enjoy your videos they're informative and enriching.
Thank you for giving us such great tips and for also providing book suggestions! I think I’ll actually read this one😅✨
Just ordered it on Amazon
there's a BIG 5 online personality test, it's also called OCEAN test, you cab directly get it assessed
If Kind, loving/thoughtful and loyal are your top 3, it's a damn shame we have never met.
1:08 Ah yes, the OCEAN model. Jordan Peterson gets into this in depth in his university lectures. (I very much like JP's psychology lectures. Politics and philosophy, not so much. Some of his stuff is ok, others I choose to ignore.)
1:40 A high-level definition of neuroticism I like is "sensitivity to negative emotion." This definition is broad but it's a good starting point to understand the trait.
1:47 While neuroticism certainly will lead to the most incompatibility, low agreeableness is what drives conflict. In other words I believe it's possible to be high (or incompatible) in neuroticism but if both people are agreeable they may sort of just put up with it. While agreeableness seems like a positive trait, it veers towards the people-pleasing realm and when an agreeable person is unable to get their emotional needs met it can lead to resentment. Don't ask me how I know this 😄
3:01 Very nice handwriting
3:08 Maybe take a second look at Honesty's rank 😉
It always comes down to agreeableness
me: high on both neuroticism and open to new experiences
The RIGHT AMOUNT of Openness -- and the right person to practice it with -- can be essential to long-term relationships. Ppl who are high in Openness can be more receptive to a variety of ways to keeping a relationship from faltering; whether it's thru therapy or simply taking direct feedback from their partner. It's mainly about balance and consideration for their partner's needs.
3 major traits:
1. Looks
2. Money
3. Personality.
You forgot height
@@jjk4891 Thats part of looks so no I didn't forget height.
your new hair really suits
0:06 Baby don't hurt me... Don't hurt me... No more!
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Gotta chime in, again. The Big Five sound good but there is one category which the guru is missing which also doesn't much change in the course of the years: Humor. (optimist, lightheartedness, ironic, lovingly forgiving.)
AND you've just got to be kidding about ones ability to score oneself on these traits. Besides, these often have to do with the people with whom one is involved.
The science of settling
Man I’ve been saying the 3 traits thing for years. Women have always objected to it like I was telling them to settle or something. In reality it’s based on my own dating experiences.
I know loyalty is a must have so that’s one. She has to be obsessed with me and not afraid to show it. That’s two. And the third is I have to find her physically attractive. 3 things. Everything else is negotiable, those things are not.
Short and informative! Thank you so much for this high quality content!
Anna’s wardrobe is probably bigger than my whole house 💀
Its like buying a car excepting it to drive for 70 years ... But not willing to put effort into it.
Me, with Openness as my highest trait: …alright Imma peace out here
Anna you are so appreciated thank you for being so open with us 💚💚
OCEAN was something we learned about in psych. Interesting side note I learned was that conscientiousness is also an indicator of intelligence.
I know "The Big 5". We did a mini paper on that a while ago
Maybe someone needs to link me to a current study, but I don't remember divorces still being 50%. I thought it's now shy of 30%. It had an early spike but never came back up to those levels.