The one person you should date
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 ก.ย. 2022
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Not everyone can afford therapy, but being with someone focused on personal growth through self reflection is so important. There are also many mediocre therapists out there
You don't need to be in a therapy to have a successful relationship. My parents have been married for 30+ years and they don't even have a ring and never went to a therapy either. Yeah, they argue from time to time, but at the end of day, they forgive and move on because relationship is not worth lingering over the small arguments. You don't need someone else to tell you how screwed up your relationship is. If you need someone else to tell you that, then this individual lack common sense. A lot of these are just common sense and you just have to think about it logically and think on how it makes you feel or react.
It really just comes down to how you communicate with your partner. If it makes you feel certain way, you need to advocate in a way that they can receive and understand. There needs to be a progression of changes if it's something bothering you; otherwise, it'll break apart. You don't need to go to therapist for these kind of things, unless you're both just mentally incapable of determining what's right vs. wrong to you and others.
There's always friends and family if you want to look for a third person perspective. A lot of times your family and friends will tell you things you may not notice about your relationship, so I would definitely consider those as well. You don't have to follow and do what they say, but I would definitely take those into consideration and pay attention to the things they mention to you about your relationship. That way, you can look for those things when actually do happen and go from there.
My therapist is I. Lasagna. Mmmmm the Italian sausage wrapped around the garlic laden mixture of cheese and tomato sauce... Yes. It's quite therapeutic and always has time for me. :)
Ok. All joking aside, it is important to evaluate your relationship as it develops. Not sure if a 3rd person is required but you give out all good points.
Fr, I need to be my own therapist
Move to germany, we have a good health care system and most people can fluently speak english, so you will get trough with only english in a bigger city
Not enough people value self reflection. I do it every day, because that's the only way to consistently grow.
This just made me even more positive that I'm with the person I want. She's really smart and we both agree on boundaries in the relationship.
Very cool Chadblock
I'm happy for you
All those go down the drain when you're 10 years into the marriage and they fart under the blanket and you just gotta deal with it while they sometime also forget to flush the toilet.
Blink twice if she's holding you hostage and made you write this.
@@sleepyash00 It's humor dude. Relax
One big thing I learned from my last relationship (which was fraught with conflict, on and off situationship, etc) is that someone who doesn’t take care of themselves (physically or emotionally) most likely won’t be able to take care of their relationships in a authentic or healthy way as well.
Absolutely true. You can't take care of anyone else until you learn to take care of yourself.
My mother told me exactly that on why I should not date fat girls. Great advice and it's true 99% of the times!
Someone doesn’t need to be in actual therapy to be committed to working on themselves and being a better person. This can look like so many different things. Therapy is expensive AF and insurance if you even have it is so iffy. my partner and I can’t afford it right now but we are definitely committed to becoming better people and we look at ourselves critically every single day.
Exactly. Also you usually go to therapy to find help about problem you have with yourself or with your partner together if you are in a relationship. Someone who just has flaws doesn't have to go to therapy to improve themselves. No need for everything to be spoonfed to us. I think that's just a smart way to condition/groom people into thinking that only therapy can do that and so therapists make more money
Agreed
@Task Master isn’t that kinda like self prescription though…
@Task Master Preach!
I think being open to therapy or having a history of having had therapy is important when looking for a partner but looking specifically for someone who is currently in therapy?! What a dumb requirement
"It's not unreasonable to want that in someone else" - thank you for this! I am in therapy (over 2 yrs) and I was in a relationship with someone who didn't want to grow in any way and I accused myself of wanting "too much" or having too high expectations. Now I know it wasn't too much to ask. I needed that validation ❤
I'm replying to you because no on replies to me and hey, you're worth it!
@@finnkuudere3516 Awww, thank you!
You are wrong. Unless you can fulfill those expectations yourself then you should NOT put that burden on others. Thus, why you’re still in therapy.
@@Joshuatree7746 This is completely faulty logic. The old doctrine of "Look for these qualities in yourself, not other people" is an entirely outdated mindset and the breeding ground for toxic and emotionally unfulfilling relationships. Like Anna said, it's not too much to ask, and the people who tend to say otherwise are far more likely not to show up as self-committed in relationships in the first place.
@@Joshuatree7746 Also, don't demonise therapy. What are you, 60?
The only one I would date who has self awareness, who has growth mindset, who wants to understand his triggers, who is immensely empathetic
Yes!
The one thing to keep in mind is that we shouldn't necessarily focus on finding somebody who's at the end of that journey, but somebody who's making active steps along it. None of us are perfect, and the best we can hope for is people who are trying to be better, because we can at best expect that of others for ourselves.
Well said!
Well said, and the key is that they are not just talking about the journey to improve, or reading books about it - you can actually witness it in their actions as time goes along
I can vouch for it! My partner is committed to always be open minded about how he can bring his best to our relationship. I am as well. We each keep our individual wellbeing at #1 so we can make a stronger pair as individuals. We both had very codependent relationships in the past and were unaware of how toxic it all was. I feel the most free and at the same time the most secure within this relationship. Feeling safe for the first time at 46 was revolutionary for me… I had not been made to feel safe until then.
Your insights and flawless wit are so spot on Anna! Thank you for sharing yourself with us!
This is beautiful, and I have a similar background but I’m still in the healing phase so I’m hopeful I can find something like this. Happy for you!!
Sounds like You're living that which is affectionately referred to as: The Good Life.
Good for You! ... Both of You! 👍💪
@@dianapop6054 You've definitely got the right mindset! You'll get there soon.
I think being with someone who's self aware and is open-minded to changing is super important.
A growth mindset is so important. A potential partner once told me they didn't care for self development. You are so right this person kept complaining about things that were in their power to change. This person also seemed to looove arguing. Glad that didn't lead to an actual relationship. Bullet dodged.
This is more proof that I've been on a better path of self-discovery than I've ever been. My person and I have grown closer because we're on the same emotional growth paths, and it's been the best romantic connection we've ever had.
Partnership is trigger city, Baby 😂
The way she said it was so cute
“Daddy Squarespace” is the only expression in which I accept “daddy” used with that certain meaning. 😅
i appreciate the self reflection these videos grant/impose onto me. i know ill never be READY ready for a relationship, but they help me realize im not ready to jump into one. im not happy with the current state of myself and how id be presenting that to someone else, im not someone id want right now, but i will be. in time.
Self growth is always happening if we allow ourselves to take note and thrive with it. Its okay to say you’re not ready to give your best self to someone else right now because you have work to do. Im cheering you on in your journey!
I've been in the same boat over the past two years. Although now, I have the problem of feeling at least somewhat ready to attempt getting into a committed relationship, but I have no clue where to go in order to get my foot in the door. It doesn't help that I've never been in a romantic relationship before, have rarely actively sought out such relationships, and have rarely ever been approached in this context before. Maybe it has to do with my refusal to use certain avenues of meeting people (Tinder being the most prominent one)...
I LITERALLY WAS JUSTTT ASKING MYSELF IF I SHOULD DATE THEM
Do it Emily do it
what'd you decide?
Mee too, i really like her but she got all the red flags anna mentioned, but i really like her and i miss her all the time
@@yngstix imma shoot my shot
@@flamingaish giving chances
I like how she's said "speaking kindly to themselves and others MOST OF THE TIME" I see what you did there Anna ;)
Love this phrase self-commitment. My biggest reason for looking for that is because it means the other person also understands that it's not my responsibility nor do I owe it to them to clean up their side of the street. The biggest thing that I find comes out of that is respect for other people, to both not demand they clean someone else's street, and leaving them to do to their own street what they want.
Your timing is impeccable Miss Akana. I just started a relationship with someone who is working on themselves and she wants to help me grow in my own ways as well. I currently live in Japan (which btw, would love to pick your brain about Japanese culture if you're willing). Thank you for ensuring me I'm dating the right woman Anna.
Please understand that our mental, physical, emotional and sexual health are ALL connected.
Relationships with other humans are beautiful, but the only Relationship that is the most important is with yourself. "Successful" relationships aren't time based, because quality doesn't equal quantity.
Relationships are about growth as individuals, then together. It's ok for Relationships to end as well. Every human grows and mature differently.
A couple of great books to read or listen to:
"The Body Keeps The Score"
By. Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk.
" Controlling People"
Dr. Patricia Evans.
"Partnership is a trigger city" and I couldn't agree more. And yeah we mostly like/attracted to someone with some familiarity, so we could see a part of us in them sometimes.
My partner is in the growth mindset and I've recognized they are a great person to be in a relationship with. The hard part is I'm still trying to get myself to adopt the growth mindset and we trigger each other a lot
Thanks for helping me realize the last person I was dating was in fact emotionally unavailable, had an inability to take emotional accountability, and a lack of self reflection, because I’ve been beating myself up for months thinking I screwed things up when really, she just couldn’t handle the conflict that came up (and didn’t even really try)
Same my previous relationship was also emotionally unavailable & he wasn’t committed to have me in his life. However, I hope you find peace & forgive yourself cause life goes on without that person. Also, there’s a lot more things that the world can offer for you rather than just one person. Just keep going & I hope the right person will come along! 🌻
Triggered by all the points of someone that doesn't self commit because I absolutely knew that person and I couldn't continue to be around them anymore. It's nice to have a name for it
i like how these videos are weirdly specific to whatever dilemma i’m in at that exact moment in time
I love your perspective on things I feel like I’ve learned a lot watching your videos, keep killing it Anna 💕
I love the way Anna explains things!
"the one person you should date, DADDY SQURESPACE" i snorted
YES YES YES YES YES
on the last two years I've been on two different relationships where this wasnt the case and all the points you said hit hard. I was starting to worry that there would be noone akin to me enough to be in a longterm relationship but knowing this specific trait to look for gives me so much hope, thanks Anna!!💙
Oohh I've been curious on what type of people we should be around especially in serious partners
Your videos are free therapy for me and I am so thankful
Thank you Anna! Well said and much appreciated.
Thank you for this message. Needed to hear it. 👍
Great quote I need to remember in my daily living is from I think Richard Rohr? Yeah
We do not think ourselves into new ways of living, we live ourselves into new ways of thinking.
Same for relationships like mentioned at the beginning. The best way to learn is to learn from experience
NGL this is the first time I've watched a YT promo. That "Daddy" Squarespace had me spit my coffee out
This really helps me reflect and examine what I really value in a relationship. Was so useful to hear in words what I know I have wanted all along from my other half.
Thanks. This validates and diminishes the fears I have with relationships. They do act as a mirror, and usually, it is facing the own self that is the most mortifying and painful. I don’t avoid relationships out of fear or conflict. I avoid them because I don’t want to see or know myself.
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you Anna! ❤
Loved it! A+ advice!
I'm going to remember this on therapy... and life itself.
Thank you,Anna!!!❤️
Insightful and helpful as always
You just made me feel good about myself.
I do have my insecurities and I've never found love to this day (age 34),
but I do answer almost your entire checklist.
Emotional Availability remains my greatess weakness,
But not for long.
Love the vid!
I really needed this ❤
Compassionate resolution is a concise phrase I didn't even know I've been looking for but just found. Thanks!
This is great, Thank you Anna!
Oh, also: I think some Patrons got left off... but that's ok!
this is what i needed. thank you 😊
*Yes!* Preach. Seriously
This is great!
This breaks my heart. My boyfriend doesn't have a growth mindset at all, and it scares me so much because I love him but I don't see any evolution for our relationship. I feel stuck with him more and more frequently.
@@kickseek no but can someone with a growth mindset have a fulfilling relationship with someone "being happy who they are"?
@@kickseek my question is: is a long fulfilling relationship possible between someone who's into self improvement and the other person not?
Awesome job Anna
Loved the vid ❤
I'm glad I got to watch this. It's hard for me to commit to a regular exercise routine because of fear that it won't make any difference even if I do it everyday, but this changed my mind. I want to be better for myself so in turn, I can treat all of the people around me better too, especially my wife. Thank you so much for this.
Thank you for sharing! 🥰
Anna, you are doing great work. Keep it up!
This was beautiful.
Loving your recent videos :D Good subject matter!
Love you Anna!!!
Thanks for books suggestion at 1:02! Just added all of them in my wishlist
Thank you Anna. We love you. I love you! You are awesome. You help me out a lot. Thanks for being our friend, when we need a friend.
Thanks for the wisdom anna💕 love u
One of your best videos.
Absolutely love your content, thanks for sharing your knowledge und wisdom with the world ❤❤❤
Wow I realized this help open my eyes that I should look for what I want in a relationship rather then the standards I try to hold on someone else’s when it comes to the next relationship
I strongly agree with you on this. Ambitions and self-improving are the most defining factor of a person, and one of the most interesting for other to see in us. I would just point out that the final goal is to have and express high ambitions and a self-improving mindset, a therapist can help getting there, going to the therapist should not be the goal, therapy is a vehicle to reach the destination, not the destination.
This is the best dating advice I've ever heard
Therapy is a must.
Hi Anna! I love your videos. Thank you for motivating me to start my own TH-cam account.
growth mindset 100 percent!! people who has not that trait are so boring to date fr...
Ah so true. Thank you Anna for wonderful content ❤️ I found a guy exactly like this.
Feels like a dream ✨️
ANNA YOU'RE ALWAYS SO ON POINT WITH WHAT IM GOING THROUGH
Its actually mind blowing how the timing works out to my real life situations….
@@goodgriefff saaaaaaaame
Oh, How Not To Die is one of my very favourite educational books!
Lots of people will say they are doing self care, growth, but saying it and doing it are two different things
Preach, jay
@@goodgriefff a lot of the times people will say what you want to hear to let your guard down so they can get what they want from you. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have to see them working on themselves on their own not looking for a relationship, after that if theirs chemistry it’ll do it’s thing naturally
æi could not have said this better myself. Thank you, everyone needs this message of yours!
She’s done and ready to settle down
Thank you for your kind words, Anna. It's mean a lot, it's touching, causing tears of appreciation and gratefullness.
You're videos are awesome! well researched, polished, and approachable. The way you use the screen space and articulate is next level though. Where and how did you learn that? Is it like a news broadcaster training course or something? Did you intuit it after some other technical training? I'm actually shocked at how engaging, clear, and un-distracting it is to watch. It's too good. You have to have trained to be a newcaster or presentation coaching specialist or something. I'm litterally bewildered as how good it is.
This was a good one 👍
Right on point.
Self love and introspection is the key 🔑 you have to find yourself before chasing friends or a partner 💯💯💯
Facts, also well said.
thnx for spreading the word abt me anna
I love your videos and this advice is super smarr
Wow very informative
Thank you
I super love this
Everybody's situation is different. We don't really know what's going on on their side of the street unless they tell us. It's a nice thought to have someone willing to reciprocate and show up
This is a sign for sure
Anna Akana You're The Greatest
You look great Anna❤️
Yes. Absolutely yes.
Daddy squarespace is backkkkkk
well yes, thaank yoouuu!!
All valid points
Therapy is very beneficial. I think the problem with our society is they often assume therapy automatically means someone is “crazy” but therapy is actually very constructive especially if you have issues trusting family with sensitive topics.
I’m glad she covered this because it’s extremely helpful.
You can be 100% sure that the people who think that people who go to therapy are crazy. Are either judgemental ( assholes), or ignorant. That is this is the type of person to stay away from. If they judge others, you can be sure that they are going to also judge you. Often they also have self esteem issues and turn that same nagging voice on them self to.
As someone whose whole life has been about becoming a better person tomorrow than I am today, about being compassionate, and being extremely introspective, I can say none of these assure the person Anna here is describing. I will end conflict with understanding, I will be there for you, but I am not there for myself. I am not actively growing (it’s very hard in a lot of ways!) I am not super motivated, I do not nourish and take proper care of my body. I hate to say, but I’m pretty sure that combination of all those traits is either a myth, or unbelievably rare.
Took me a while to find the right therapist for me (3rd try) but now I did I can say it helps a lot. I feel like a therapist plays the role of a mirror as well as that empathic voice we should have toward ourselves.
not sure if my partner is this person but i'm damn happy to see myself as this person. trying to realize my own worth a bit more lately and i think i'm pretty awesome for having the traits you're talking about
If your partner is not this person, give them only so much time. I won’t go past a year. And yes, realize your worth. Because we’re all pretty awesome if we care the way we do and commit to ourselves the way she describes. I’m being patient with someone trying to get to this point. It’s been 7 months. It seems like she’s making progress. At a year, my limit, I need to reevaluate. If she’s progressing, I’ll grant an ‘extension,’ not to her but rather to myself. Maybe another 6 months. If there’s growth, great. If it’s stagnant and there is no commitment to herself and for our intimate and monogamous situation, I may have to do one of the hardest things ever. I may have to love myself enough/more if my best friend isn’t able to love herself and me enough. I may have to walk away. I may have to lose her completely from my life. But that is the fear. For now, I’m staying in the love until my 1-year checkpoint at which time I’ll stop and check in with her and myself. Hope this helps. I related to your message and wanted to share. Thanks 🙏
@@David-lq7lj thank you for sharing! i'm at the 1,5 year mark now. he hasn't been progressing much, despite my encouragement and my best efforts to show him i want to help him. i was planning on ripping the bandaid off a few weeks ago but we had a good talk and he acknowledged he needed to change (also for himself). so i'm granting myself an extension too, not sure if it's the right thing to do. we match super well on all other aspects. man, this stuff is complicated. good luck to you though!
You going through all those negative traits had me listing them off like Bingo.
It's why I've made my GFs life so difficult :(
Its good to be aware, but don’t stop yourself there, take it with stride to work on the things you notice you can do better, or things you want your true-self to be. You don’t have to wait til tomorrow, you always got today. 🤎
@@goodgriefff Thank you, supportive Internet lady! I'm trying, I'm reading some self-help books, I'm going along with more of her suggestions instead of always finding excuses, I'm eating more salads....
I hope it's not too late though, we've been together 15 years and I feel like for most of it she was probably miserable and only came out to me about it a couple of years ago :(
Hello Anna this was just the thing I needed to hear thank you for your honest opinion on people and relationships, I am myself trying to make myself a better man but am I unrealistic to want be in a relationship with someone because I a physical disability much respect 🙏