Love you, Samuel. Betrayed male, here. Affair recovery has been my LIFELINE over the last 40 days. I would have been DECIMATED if it wasn’t for your faith based healing videos. Nothing else like it on TH-cam. NOTHING! Keep up the INCREDIBLE WORK.
I’m certain that if I had heard or met with MJ 3 1/2 years ago after D day, I would much further along in my recovery. Everything she says is so true. Thank you Samuel & MJ.
THANK YOU for addressing this side of betrayal/sexual trauma. I asked my unfaithful spouse to learn more in this area. I myself literally spent the last couple days (again) trying to find resources that speak to this topic with results that i deem unsuccessful. The articles I've found have felt somewhat triggering, fluffy, shaming, and misguided as opposed to helpful for the whole couple. It is not as cut and dry like most sources tend to offer up as withholding sex (or having boundaries) vs. being willing. I am grateful that you offer to the unfaithful tools and insight, because as a betrayed I am unable to guide him thru EVERY aspect. It's exhausting and hope-diminishing being the only "aware " partner when I need to have my person in tune to me, knowledgeable, and allowing me room to lean on him in this most vulnerable experience. Please continue this conversation. My husband and I listen to your podcasts 2-3 times a week over the last 2 months and it has been the first time in nearly 5 years of various recovery attempts that we both feel good about doing consistently. We spend about 30 minutes talking about the video topic and it usually goes well. This is an area that needs more coverage because without the help more damage looms if the sexual relationship is mishandled. Again, super appreciated.
HI Cyndi C - if you liked this content, you might be interested in our Hope Rising conference. You can learn more here: www.affairrecovery.com/hope-rising
Hi Samuel, thank you for this, unfaithful here, it's been 11 years and my husband still has PTSD, need help, the only thing is I'm here in the Philippines 😢, I really want to join
MJ is my rockstar! I love her calming voice and her methodical, step by step approach in explaining what the betrayeds go through. She slows everything down and is brilliant in her explanations of how trauma needs to be handled. I always look forward to what she has to say. Thank you, Affair Recovery for having her in these videos.
You are not alone. I’ve had many days when the emotional pain my wife’s infidelity has caused me seemed more than I could bear. Hold on to those incremental improvements.
know that there are so many like you who have really horrible days. I have also felt lost, hopeless and totally devastated at my husband's infidelity (and sexual addiction). I am attending a conference for betrayed women (sorry betrayed men) in November. Although it has been a little over 3 months for me, I feel better week -- even when I have a terrible day. Are you reading any books besides watching these videos? Have you reached out to anyone who can provide support?
I think the sexual trauma is so important to talk about. I think it would be helpful to explore when the betrayed feels like they need to be sexual to..compete I guess with the affair (I hope that makes sense) but the intimacy isnt there for protection. And not pressured by the one who cheated- but more the pressure the betrayed may put on themselves that "if we are sexual more- than maybe he/she wont cheat". I think this is a cycle some of us fall into- completely unhealthy and almost a distorted boundary. I would love to see a video (not sure if you have one, I just found you today) but if you do not- I know its complex, but it would be super helpful to hear tips on how to not get stuck in that trap. Thanks so much for your videos.
As a betrayed, after the betrayal came to an end, I started having sexual fantasies about my partner betraying me, having two women, me and another one, or just having several partners. I hate myself because these thoughts turn me on, I feel dirty.
I’m from Guatemala. God bless you all for all the help that you are providing in TH-cam and your website. If it wasn’t for the help you are so generously providing, my husband and I would be lost in how to deal with his infidelity. We are at stage one, but this video helps a lot in preparing us to deal with sexual intimacy which for me is the hardest one to deal with. Again, thanks a million and God bless.
Another video that hits home as a betrayed. Dealing with sexual intimacy has been difficult. It’s a question mark as to whether my mind will “wonder” or not. I will say yes and want to badly then my mind will shift and I’m done. Can’t do it. But I can say that my spouse has followed your advice and has been there for me and has not been angry about the lack of intimacy. We talk it out. I’m 9 months past D Day.
This is very different for betrayed men obviously; and after 23 years of marriage my behavior has not been perfect but one year ago I discovered my wife was having an affair and eventually uncovered it had been going on since 2012. We have two children now but only after we lost our first daughter to leukemia in 2005. So that’s the benchmark for trauma that is thrown in my face to get over the affair. But for me, the trauma is similar because divorce would be the death of my marriage and devastating to my children. One of my triggers is the encouragement she received from from a friend after being caught to lawyer-up and minimization excuse that kids are resilient and they will be ok. We are still together only because she would be financially ruined if she left. Most of the work to repair and heal has come from my wanting to save the marriage and our family. She’s still not sure, and for her the affair simply opened the door to possibilities since she claims she fell in love and it justifies her behavior. She’s not connected to me anymore and we’ve reached a sort of sexless state which is very frustrating for me. I’m sure something is being processed underneath all those layers in her mind, but I tend to be impatient and have bouts of flooding every couple of weeks. Watching these videos are tremendous. What the hell did couples do before the internet?
I just wanna point out that from what you’ve said your wife is only still with you for money not for love and that you are the only one trying to heal. My advice would be to get the hell out of there because that is hell on earth and healing is only possible if the unfaithful is the one leading it. I can vouch for this having attempted healing being the only one committed to it (as the betrayed). All that happened in that period was 5 more years of unfaithfulness because every time things got rough (and healing is very rough) he just bailed and did it again. You deserve better than that. If she is not 100% committed to healing your marriage then please be 100% committed to yourself and leave 🙏💗
It’s weird I’ve never been unattracted to my partner that betrayed me. Sexual desire and doing the act has never been an issue yet I still feel unsafe to trust him. I think he’s still talking to the AP especially because I’ve caught him before. And so I’m so unsure this will work out. I just think even if he doesn’t talk to her anymore, she will stay on a pedestal and I won’t be on it ever. Since he didn’t get to experience and see if they’d work out so he only got to experience the good and I don’t want the ghost of her to haunt me and our relationship
I am a betrayed male, I'm not blameless in our marital problems that being said I am not just giving my wife a pass and sweeping her actions under the rug and pretending it didn't happen. I love my wife deeply and am very protective of her and her feelings. She is emotionally fragile on her best day. We have so much to work through right now and in the years to come. My question is how do I safety communicate to her that when she rejects me sexually it triggers countless thoughts and emotions. The strongest feeling is you did this with him why an I not good enough. It is tough to navigate because I am the only man she's been with that has not made sex a condition for acceptance and love. How can I address this with her without it feeling as if it is something I require to love her?
This lady just contributed a lot in my life through her videos. Thank you so much coz I know I was not mad with my anger when my partner cheated on me. I still have not recovered completely because children were born from that Affair and so there are two families involved. What can I do in this case?
no, but finding a trauma therapist who is an expert can help you with a roadmap. you may find this video helpful and this therapist taking new clients: th-cam.com/video/Q88QyvXX9y8/w-d-xo.html
What we need is videos that help those people that the Ws had affairs then separation occurred then lies from Ws to get back together with spouse. Then they have another affair six years later. Then to find out 38 years later they had another affair before this one! They couldn’t live with it. Well he wasn’t sorry for 38 years till I knew about it. How in gods name does a man do this? How do you deal with feeling imprisoned for 38 years your choices being taken.. How do you get over feeling sexually violated. The choices taken from your entire life. How do you deal with knowing you were going through one and he’s hiding another. What kind of person does that takes your entire life and wants forgiveness and has no idea you would feel this way. The same person that didn’t let you grieve when you caught him in your home with your sister in-law . Told you that you didn’t didn’t see what you saw. Well my eyes don’t lie. The same person that messed around with a 21 year old. The same one that said I’m not gonna deal with all this the rest of my life.
How do you deal with these types of Trauma! First adulterous 42 years ago caught him and my sister in law. Second that I knew about was at 32 second year. Then the actual second affair found out May 2919 he had sex while separated and lied to me when we got together. So with that being said. He was hiding one affair while I was trying to deal with another. I didn’t deal with what happened with sister in-law or 32 Nd so now all has just come forward. So I feel cheated out of my decisions when we got back together after separation I feel raped. I feel he’s a monster for lying when we got back together. I feel he a monster for hiding one while I was going through another. I’m not moving forward. Help please I cry,vision,dreams. I can’t shop feel like She’s somewhere and the one he lied about was s a friend back 38 years ago. Have no clue were she is. I’m 61 years old. I don’t understand why, so there’s no closure.
Hey Samuel and MJ I really enjoyed watching this video of yours however I would like to make a request. I am a betrayed female and my husband and I are having difficulty healing sexually after the infidelity. I’m the one that initiates coversations about sex and also to have sex as well. When I ask him why that is he says he feels like he doesn’t deserve me or that it should just happen spontaneously or on other occasions he has said he thinks he needs more testosterone which I doubt that’s the case because there was no need for it when he was having an affair. We are over a year and a half out from D day and the scarcity of our sex life really makes me feel unstable and uneasy. I would like to have your guys’ opinion when it is a betrayed spouse trying to make the unfaithful spouse feel more comfortable in this area and I would also like to hear your advice you would give to unfaithful spouses like my husband.
I am so afraid I’ll never be able to have sexual intimacy with my husband again after finding out about his affair. The thought of him and her together literally makes me sick and want to vomit. Our sex life was very passionate and it feels like he not only lied repeatedly to me, he gave away a part of us. I want to make it work but sex is a big thing for him and I can’t promise him I’ll ever want to engage again or at least for a very long while. I feel very alone. I just found out a little less than two months ago.
Thought I would let y’all know I’m in Trauma counciling but husband is having a hard time because he feels he’s being blamed for a lot in our marriage because of his affairs. So he is retorting to Blaming me for things that he says I said or some place I went and I don’t have a clue what he’s talking about it been a long time ago 38 years. I can’t help him but he hinders me with his anger and down right ugliness.. I think he made and want to punish me because he feels I need to be responsible in some way.
What if after a few years after the disclosure day I just feel like fraternal love is the only thing that I feel and that I’m not interested in anything else? I still married.
Hi Samuel and MJ would you be able to do a interview about hysterical bonding. I found out that my partner had been having sex with escorts over a 3 year period. Since finding out all I want to do is have sex with my partner which makes me feel shameful and pathetic and I feel like it’s rewarding him for going outside our marriage.
What your doing is VERY NORMAL! What I have learned is someone who has been betrayed can go into a hyper sexual phase.... it’s a coping mechanism to help you feel safe. How are you today?
Can't find the video on Needing help with the discovering happening a decade after the fact and then it got pushed under the rug and then brought (disclosure) again years after. Married out of school and been only with each other ....except the unfaithful
Love her comment- Intimacy Sharing thoughts and feelings Intimacy = INTO ME SEE. Transparency Cornerstone in a relationship where trust is lacking will be Good communication Helps to Create safety CONSISTENCY
Love you, Samuel. Betrayed male, here. Affair recovery has been my LIFELINE over the last 40 days. I would have been DECIMATED if it wasn’t for your faith based healing videos. Nothing else like it on TH-cam. NOTHING! Keep up the INCREDIBLE WORK.
so glad you're here. thank you for the kind words.
Overcoming Infidelity it’s YOU we all need to keep thanking!
I’m certain that if I had heard or met with MJ 3 1/2 years ago after D day, I would much further along in my recovery. Everything she says is so true. Thank you Samuel & MJ.
THANK YOU for addressing this side of betrayal/sexual trauma. I asked my unfaithful spouse to learn more in this area. I myself literally spent the last couple days (again) trying to find resources that speak to this topic with results that i deem unsuccessful. The articles I've found have felt somewhat triggering, fluffy, shaming, and misguided as opposed to helpful for the whole couple. It is not as cut and dry like most sources tend to offer up as withholding sex (or having boundaries) vs. being willing. I am grateful that you offer to the unfaithful tools and insight, because as a betrayed I am unable to guide him thru EVERY aspect. It's exhausting and hope-diminishing being the only "aware " partner when I need to have my person in tune to me, knowledgeable, and allowing me room to lean on him in this most vulnerable experience. Please continue this conversation. My husband and I listen to your podcasts 2-3 times a week over the last 2 months and it has been the first time in nearly 5 years of various recovery attempts that we both feel good about doing consistently. We spend about 30 minutes talking about the video topic and it usually goes well. This is an area that needs more coverage because without the help more damage looms if the sexual relationship is mishandled. Again, super appreciated.
HI Cyndi C - if you liked this content, you might be interested in our Hope Rising conference. You can learn more here: www.affairrecovery.com/hope-rising
Hi Samuel, thank you for this, unfaithful here, it's been 11 years and my husband still has PTSD, need help, the only thing is I'm here in the Philippines 😢, I really want to join
MJ is my rockstar! I love her calming voice and her methodical, step by step approach in explaining what the betrayeds go through. She slows everything down and is brilliant in her explanations of how trauma needs to be handled. I always look forward to what she has to say. Thank you, Affair Recovery for having her in these videos.
We all love M.J.!
Thank you, I couldn't stop crying today, I really feel helpless, but this helped, at least a little bit.
i'm so glad.
You are not alone. I’ve had many days when the emotional pain my wife’s infidelity has caused me seemed more than I could bear. Hold on to those incremental improvements.
know that there are so many like you who have really horrible days. I have also felt lost, hopeless and totally devastated at my husband's infidelity (and sexual addiction). I am attending a conference for betrayed women (sorry betrayed men) in November. Although it has been a little over 3 months for me, I feel better week -- even when I have a terrible day. Are you reading any books besides watching these videos? Have you reached out to anyone who can provide support?
I think the sexual trauma is so important to talk about. I think it would be helpful to explore when the betrayed feels like they need to be sexual to..compete I guess with the affair (I hope that makes sense) but the intimacy isnt there for protection. And not pressured by the one who cheated- but more the pressure the betrayed may put on themselves that "if we are sexual more- than maybe he/she wont cheat". I think this is a cycle some of us fall into- completely unhealthy and almost a distorted boundary. I would love to see a video (not sure if you have one, I just found you today) but if you do not- I know its complex, but it would be super helpful to hear tips on how to not get stuck in that trap. Thanks so much for your videos.
As a betrayed, after the betrayal came to an end, I started having sexual fantasies about my partner betraying me, having two women, me and another one, or just having several partners. I hate myself because these thoughts turn me on, I feel dirty.
I’m from Guatemala. God bless you all for all the help that you are providing in TH-cam and your website. If it wasn’t for the help you are so generously providing, my husband and I would be lost in how to deal with his infidelity. We are at stage one, but this video helps a lot in preparing us to deal with sexual intimacy which for me is the hardest one to deal with. Again, thanks a million and God bless.
Another video that hits home as a betrayed. Dealing with sexual intimacy has been difficult. It’s a question mark as to whether my mind will “wonder” or not. I will say yes and want to badly then my mind will shift and I’m done. Can’t do it. But I can say that my spouse has followed your advice and has been there for me and has not been angry about the lack of intimacy. We talk it out. I’m 9 months past D Day.
Amazing talk! Thanks! 💗🌹
This is brilliant Thankyou 🙏
This is very different for betrayed men obviously; and after 23 years of marriage my behavior has not been perfect but one year ago I discovered my wife was having an affair and eventually uncovered it had been going on since 2012. We have two children now but only after we lost our first daughter to leukemia in 2005. So that’s the benchmark for trauma that is thrown in my face to get over the affair. But for me, the trauma is similar because divorce would be the death of my marriage and devastating to my children. One of my triggers is the encouragement she received from from a friend after being caught to lawyer-up and minimization excuse that kids are resilient and they will be ok. We are still together only because she would be financially ruined if she left. Most of the work to repair and heal has come from my wanting to save the marriage and our family. She’s still not sure, and for her the affair simply opened the door to possibilities since she claims she fell in love and it justifies her behavior. She’s not connected to me anymore and we’ve reached a sort of sexless state which is very frustrating for me. I’m sure something is being processed underneath all those layers in her mind, but I tend to be impatient and have bouts of flooding every couple of weeks. Watching these videos are tremendous. What the hell did couples do before the internet?
They just suffered.
I just wanna point out that from what you’ve said your wife is only still with you for money not for love and that you are the only one trying to heal. My advice would be to get the hell out of there because that is hell on earth and healing is only possible if the unfaithful is the one leading it. I can vouch for this having attempted healing being the only one committed to it (as the betrayed). All that happened in that period was 5 more years of unfaithfulness because every time things got rough (and healing is very rough) he just bailed and did it again. You deserve better than that. If she is not 100% committed to healing your marriage then please be 100% committed to yourself and leave 🙏💗
It’s weird I’ve never been unattracted to my partner that betrayed me. Sexual desire and doing the act has never been an issue yet I still feel unsafe to trust him. I think he’s still talking to the AP especially because I’ve caught him before. And so I’m so unsure this will work out. I just think even if he doesn’t talk to her anymore, she will stay on a pedestal and I won’t be on it ever. Since he didn’t get to experience and see if they’d work out so he only got to experience the good and I don’t want the ghost of her to haunt me and our relationship
Thank you for this series. Really help alot. Everything you said is on point and exactly what I am going through. (2.5 months Post D-Day)
So very insightful and extremely important topic. Thank you.
I am a betrayed male, I'm not blameless in our marital problems that being said I am not just giving my wife a pass and sweeping her actions under the rug and pretending it didn't happen. I love my wife deeply and am very protective of her and her feelings. She is emotionally fragile on her best day. We have so much to work through right now and in the years to come. My question is how do I safety communicate to her that when she rejects me sexually it triggers countless thoughts and emotions. The strongest feeling is you did this with him why an I not good enough. It is tough to navigate because I am the only man she's been with that has not made sex a condition for acceptance and love. How can I address this with her without it feeling as if it is something I require to love her?
This lady just contributed a lot in my life through her videos. Thank you so much coz I know I was not mad with my anger when my partner cheated on me. I still have not recovered completely because children were born from that Affair and so there are two families involved. What can I do in this case?
@talkwithlucia8631 Did you find the Affair Recovery interview with Mickey & his wife? They went through the same thing. Maybe it might help?
Dose she have a book or material about this?
Something as a couple we can follow?
no, but finding a trauma therapist who is an expert can help you with a roadmap. you may find this video helpful and this therapist taking new clients: th-cam.com/video/Q88QyvXX9y8/w-d-xo.html
What we need is videos that help those people that the Ws had affairs then separation occurred then lies from Ws to get back together with spouse.
Then they have another affair six years later.
Then to find out 38 years later they had another affair before this one! They couldn’t live with it. Well he wasn’t sorry for 38 years till I knew about it. How in gods name does a man do this?
How do you deal with feeling imprisoned for 38 years your choices being taken.. How do you get over feeling sexually violated. The choices taken from your entire life. How do you deal with knowing you were going through one and he’s hiding another. What kind of person does that takes your entire life and wants forgiveness and has no idea you would feel this way.
The same person that didn’t let you grieve when you caught him in your home with your sister in-law . Told you that you didn’t didn’t see what you saw. Well my eyes don’t lie. The same person that messed around with a 21 year old. The same one that said I’m not gonna deal with all this the rest of my life.
How do you deal with these types of Trauma! First adulterous 42 years ago caught him and my sister in law. Second that I knew about was at 32 second year. Then the actual second affair found out May 2919 he had sex while separated and lied to me when we got together. So with that being said. He was hiding one affair while I was trying to deal with another.
I didn’t deal with what happened with sister in-law or 32 Nd so now all has just come forward. So I feel cheated out of my decisions when we got back together after separation I feel raped. I feel he’s a monster for lying when we got back together. I feel he a monster for hiding one while I was going through another. I’m not moving forward. Help please I cry,vision,dreams. I can’t shop feel like She’s somewhere and the one he lied about was s a friend back 38 years ago. Have no clue were she is. I’m 61 years old. I don’t understand why, so there’s no closure.
Hi @brenda lee - please email info@hope-now.com and one of our intake advisors would be glad to help you.
We need more videos to help in my situation!
Hey Samuel and MJ I really enjoyed watching this video of yours however I would like to make a request. I am a betrayed female and my husband and I are having difficulty healing sexually after the infidelity. I’m the one that initiates coversations about sex and also to have sex as well. When I ask him why that is he says he feels like he doesn’t deserve me or that it should just happen spontaneously or on other occasions he has said he thinks he needs more testosterone which I doubt that’s the case because there was no need for it when he was having an affair. We are over a year and a half out from D day and the scarcity of our sex life really makes me feel unstable and uneasy. I would like to have your guys’ opinion when it is a betrayed spouse trying to make the unfaithful spouse feel more comfortable in this area and I would also like to hear your advice you would give to unfaithful spouses like my husband.
I am so afraid I’ll never be able to have sexual intimacy with my husband again after finding out about his affair. The thought of him and her together literally makes me sick and want to vomit. Our sex life was very passionate and it feels like he not only lied repeatedly to me, he gave away a part of us. I want to make it work but sex is a big thing for him and I can’t promise him I’ll ever want to engage again or at least for a very long while. I feel very alone. I just found out a little less than two months ago.
Thought I would let y’all know I’m in Trauma counciling but husband is having a hard time because he feels he’s being blamed for a lot in our marriage because of his affairs. So he is retorting to Blaming me for things that he says I said or some place I went and I don’t have a clue what he’s talking about it been a long time ago 38 years. I can’t help him but he hinders me with his anger and down right ugliness.. I think he made and want to punish me because he feels I need to be responsible in some way.
Sounds like your husband might be a narcissist?
What if after a few years after the disclosure day I just feel like fraternal love is the only thing that I feel and that I’m not interested in anything else? I still married.
I thinking depends on what you want.
Hi Samuel and MJ would you be able to do a interview about hysterical bonding. I found out that my partner had been having sex with escorts over a 3 year period. Since finding out all I want to do is have sex with my partner which makes me feel shameful and pathetic and I feel like it’s rewarding him for going outside our marriage.
What your doing is VERY NORMAL! What I have learned is someone who has been betrayed can go into a hyper sexual phase.... it’s a coping mechanism to help you feel safe. How are you today?
Can't find the video on Needing help with the discovering happening a decade after the fact and then it got pushed under the rug and then brought (disclosure) again years after. Married out of school and been only with each other ....except the unfaithful
Love her comment-
Intimacy Sharing thoughts and feelings
Intimacy = INTO ME SEE.
Transparency
Cornerstone in a relationship where trust is lacking will be
Good communication
Helps to Create safety
CONSISTENCY