Thank you for being real.. true what you said the detox phase HURTS LIKE HELL.. i’m in the midst of it.. it was not even an affair but a heavy crush on each other.. we both can feel the deep emotional connection just by looking at each others” eyes, the affection & sexual tension in the air everytime we near each other.. so with all the strength within me I’m currently trying to gain my sanity, go no contact and choose to walk away before anything further happen
This is me as well, only we had an emotional affair and there were pictures sent back forth (sexting). Both married. My hubby found out last August and I tried to end things, but the pull was still there. Hubby found out that I kep the friendship going and I have now cut all ties. Only problem is we work together, so I am avoiding all situations where we could interact. But I know get the detoxing....didn't think I was allowed to feel sad. Everyday I struggle, but I have changed many routines at work to avoid.
OMG my husband needs to watch this video and read your comment. He had a major crush on a woman with children, and wanted to mentor her son in carpentry. Saying he was not going to be around her - and has not understood how this is impossible for me to tolerate. About every six months there is a reminder of that crush and it tears me apart. They live near us.
I had an emotional affair that was limited to simply providing emotional support to each other, and thereby bonding. Sounds like two friends just talking, right? Well too bad I had a mini crush on her when we worked together about 8 years or so before the affair happened. That brought it way over the line for her. My biggest regret was allowing myself to fall into a pit of self hatred, self pity, and simply just froze. I couldn’t bring myself to do the work…I couldn’t shut down the horrible narratives in my head that I was such a terrible person, that I didn’t deserve her forgiveness…I got angry. I lashed out at everyone around me, her most undeserved…more damage. More disappointment. She ran out of patience. She can’t help me if I can’t help me. She was right. She ended it. Now…I’m doing the work anyway. There’s no hell I would not trespass to have her back, to make it right and build back something better…but I fear it’s too late. She’s seeing someone else now, and I’m gutted. Still…I’m doing the work. I never want to be that man again. I want to be the man she deserves by her side, even if I’ve run out of chances…even if she doesn’t choose me again…I’ll never go back to being the man who thought it was okay to open up to someone who had no right to see that side of me.
Ive been with a cheater for 9 years and it feels like slow death If you’re able to make an exit financially I’d suggest doing it and if they really want to change they’ll fight to get you back.
I feel your pain sister. I learned Feb 2022, after almost 35 yrs of marriage, my husband had 4 affair partners over last 32 yrs of our marriage (hooker, family member's friend, waitress & cashier). Trying desperately to heal myself, since he's still in denial. Even though I've seen him in ACTION (cashier in 2014 emotional affair) when we were shopping there ON HER DAY OFF. She was called into work, & he didn't expect her to be there when he walked in with me. Likewise she learned about me THAT NIGHT, & was clearly ANGRY with his deception. He refuses to DIVORCE & gets extremely violent every time I try to talk with him. I'm married, but have NEVER felt more alone in life than I do now. Painful is an understatement!! I pray you find healing & happiness in your future.
Might be hard to understand, but as someone on the other end, you feel embarrassed and ashamed. You've lost the connection to women you love and have broken at least two hearts. It's not an excuse but a perspective. I am sorry that you've ladies have gone through this, though, as there aren't any winners. Hope you both find healing.
Sam, you’re the best. These videos are super helpful. I love your honesty, transparency, and just the way you put words together to express the right thoughts and emotions about all of these topics. As a betrayed spouse, I am super grateful for your commitment to helping others through these painful experiences.
My husband just realized he has been insecure for 45 years and treated me and our children bad by not being there and having a demon on his shoulder is the beast way to describe it. He basically had horrible thoughts about me from dating till now. He thought if I said something to him about anything he would turn it into something ugly and try to say well she’s the one with the problem it’s not me. If I went anywhere without him he thought I was going to see someone. I’m hurt but so hurt that he was going through this and I didn’t know because we could have found a way to fix it.
My wife kept messaging her AP for almost 6 months after D-day. She finally got over him and has now moved on. Your videos have really helped me understand this and stick by her side. It hurt really bad, but it was worth the work. Some people may say I’m stupid or crazy, but it was worth it.
How do you know she won't do it again? Besides saying that she "got over" the AP, what work has she done to understand and change the thoughts and behaviors that led to her cheating? If she's done no work, then the chances of her relapsing are higher than if she's done the work.
Thank you for staying with her if she's sincere. The whole thing is much worse than we can ever admit, and I am sorry about what you went through. I am an unfaithful spouse, and I hate myself and am also struggling, and I hate the fact that I am struggling with this. I hate it so much. I hate the fact that I am aonweak and tired at times. I hate myself for even ever thinking about him. Like why ehy!!! Different things remind me about him. I don't want it. GOD help me. I wish I didn't expose myself to this. Where can I get help... from all d way in Africa. Sam, please help.
You cant love two people at the same time... It's impossible. I love my husband, and how is it possible that I am thinking about this rubbish. I am angry with myself.
Thank you for yet another great blog, Samuel. Your content really keeps me afloat. I would very much appreciate a blog dedicated to the situation you briefly mentioned during this one; where the unfaithful and the AP are colleagues. This is my current situation, and it has been very difficult to live with, ever since I discovered their affair just over a year ago. Although he claims the affair has ended, and has taken every possible step to be safe for me, the fact that they still work together just kills me. He's tried hard to change jobs but has been unsuccessful so far. I'm afraid this will mean the end of our relationship, as I don't feel I can move on at all, knowing they spend every single workday in close proximity. I would be very grateful for your thoughts on this, as well as tips on how to move forward.
Amazing video. Thank you! I really have needed to understand the process my unfaithful husband has been going through. He was in a 2 yr physical & emotional love Affair. He had moved out, was living with her, and had filed for Divorce when he realized he still loved me. It took a few excruciating months for him to leave the AP, to finally end the relationship. I think I have a better sense of his detoxing process from her while he was struggling to make his final decision to come home to me. Could you make a video on the unfaithful’s struggle to end an entwined love affair.. the process they go through to separate from the AP and choose their spouse & family.
I do wish you had made this video earlier. This process has caused me so much pain in the past two years. At least others have the video to refer to now. Thank you for all the help you’ve given us.
Feels like my unfaithful had a stronger bond to her AP than to her husband. If it wasn't for kids I don't think the marriage would have stood a chance.
Yeah, I was betrayed by my wife pretty badly. The mental pain that it has caused me for the past 3 years is the most pain I've ever suffered in my life. I like most of the videos this group puts out but honestly this one disgusts me. I made my wife text the guy that they will not be talking or seeing each other any more and that was that. Fortunately for me she's been doing mostly the right things to help us recover.
I had a 4 year affair and when I broke it off, the affair partner told my wife. I then proceeded to text and email the affair partner. Intermittently for 10 years, reprimanding her and at the same time trying to help her get her life in order. I know that was wrong and pointless. Revealing this has really upset my wife, understandably. My dopamine receptors were still a work trying to fix someone I really couldn't help. Having faced what this behavior means to my wife is very troubling to her. I am humiliated and ashamed.
I really want to be the kind of betrayed spouse who can process with my unfaithful. Are there ANY of us who have come far enough in our own work (I’ve been doing mine all this time he has continued in the affair) to be able to handle working through it with him? I’m ready not to shame but to support. It feels like it would be _worse_ than the pain of him-missing-her to think he can’t be _honest_ with me and has to withhold things that he can share with “the group” but not with me. I have learned he will miss her, and I’m ready to face those feelings with him, so why not be honest when it’s happening and give me a shot at showing the level of acceptance and love I can show? Hopefully on some days when I really need to be honest about how _I’m_ feeling about things that might be uncomfortable for him, he too can buckle down and be there for me despite his discomfort. If I can’t have a marriage like that (someday), then why work so hard to put it back together?
I am just starting this process. My husband (57)of 35 years, has been having an emotional affair with someone (24) that not only worked for him (he was her direct supervisor) but is 33 years younger than him. She started working for him when she was only 19. We have started counseling, on week 3, but he still refuses to admit that it was an affair “we’re just friends” or “I am like a father figure to her”….. is all he is willing to admit to. I am just wondering if there is light at the end of this tunnel or should I just turn around, save myself the pain and struggle and simply file now and walk away.
So it’s been almost 3 years since d day. My spouse had an emotional and very sexual affair with an employee that lasted months. When he came home and asked me to take him back he denied any feelings for her even though the relationship had been ended only days before he came home. I had trouble believing this because of how he acted. His words and behavior didn’t match. So last month he finally told me he continued to have feelings for her after he came home and communicated those feelings to her after he came home. I feel this lie for 3 years has damaged my trust of anything he has told me. I knew in my heart he did but he continued to lie. As hard as it would have been, I wish he had been truthful in the beginning without going into detail. Now I feel like this has thrown me backwards in our recovery and I’m not sure what to do with the feelings of distrust and pain I have now.
the pain is real I can relate.:( im so sorry he did that to you! I hope you are ok. Im going on month 3 with knowing my spouses truth and im having a very hard time with it as well. I feel so alone. if only they could really know the pain they are putting us through . how can someone lie like that its scary! And we are here trying to figure out whats wrong when it should be them looking at these videos and trying to save what they have with us . I swear men are scary I don't trust anyone anymore... another thing I don't get is why we stay ??? that's another one that boggles my mind. I really hope you are ok I know it hurts beyond belief. you are in my thoughts xo
it's vital you get help. help for him and for you. to just move on without any sort of expert care is going to only make things worse and cause more uncertainty. here are our online courses: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses and here is an in person intensive: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend you can heal from this and he can get healthy. however, it's going to require expert help to wade through it all. don't give up....difficult isn't impossible, despite what you probably feel right now.
I get so tired of hearing and seeing how we as men have hurt the women that we claim to love. Your trust is damaged and with trust being damaged, it's always tough to try and make things right. Women stay for a lot of reasons but I think mostly because they as women truly know what love is. We men at times have yet to figure it out. If we would only return what was given to us or better yet, be 1st to give what is needed by her. As for me, I've got to do better.
This has been a hard part of our recovery, my wife doesn't understand this part (and I get it) but I feel it's all part of the healing and recovery process, which I am working on with her
My husband went to Africa and married a woman same age with his oldest daughter 23 at 51yrs. I am struggling to understand this type of infidelity and polygamy affair.
What if my husband says he has pushed her out of his mind? He has been saying this since the first week. I have expressed my concern that he was “in love” with this person for at least two months and even if he has suppressed those feelings (which is a pattern for him and one of the reasons we are in this mess) that they will most likely resurface and I don’t want to be re-traumatized. He insists that won’t happen...that he knows now that he didn’t really love her at all and wants to put all of his energy into me. At one point he said, “you’re not going to believe this but I even forgot what she looked like until you started asking me details.” FYI, I found out on November 3rd so we haven’t even reached a month yet.
hi there. thank you for the email. i'm sorry but to me it's not sufficient. it requires much more than that to be able to heal and move forward. we're dealing with real life trauma and real life pain that can't be suppressed to heal from. it's going to require expert help and expert care to be able to prevent relapse. his will power wasn't enough to prevent the affair from happening in the first place.....so to trust will power again is highly suspect. what help have you considered? i would suggest a couple options. 1. our ems weekend for you both: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend 2. a course for him on his own relapse prevention and long term heath both mentally and sexually: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing
I just learned this morning that my wife has still been in contact with her affair partner the past three months. My D-Day was Memorial Day 2020. We have been doing work with a marriage counselor and I have been doing individual work with a therapist. I thought we were making good progress until I learned this today. I am soo confused. Help!
it's somewhat normal to see happen aaron. if you want help, she needs expert care. no disrespect to what you're doing, but it's time for what i would call infidelity specific help that can develop a plan for her to prevent relapse and actually end the affair and break free (and stay free). here is what i would recommend asap: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend
Sam can you do one on a process of recovery after they e left you for the affair partner then comes back?…I have so many peoples opinions coming at me I don’t know my left from my right
Can you follow up this theme with the effects to body/brain etc for the unfaithful when they do have contact months years after affair/detox? I read that any contact during detachment brings them back to zero, and have to restart, though each time they do it should progress quicker than the last. I can't imagine that chemicals aren't retriggered, or emotions revived through seeing them (not intentionally) or believing the anonymous call was the offending partner, or hearing about her from others, etc, even 2 years later. I'd like to understand it more and I think my unfaithful could use the info too. He wants me to believe he's not affected but his energy says otherwise.
I am 2 years right now since I cut the ap off but I worked with her for a year and a half after I cut it off. I had to see her almost every single day. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever went through and I’m still dealing with. I haven’t seen or heard about her in six months but she’s still there, In my head from time to time. I am getting better but it’s a process and I keep fighting. I thought I respond to you to let you know... at least I do.... still get triggered even though I do not want her back at all. She was my biggest mistake. I hope my sharing helps give you insight. God bless.
Yes. I’m in the process of trying to end the relationship with my AP of two years. Hard is an understatement. And given that I’m very unsure as to not I want (or even can) save or rectify things with my spouse. It’s a lonely place to be and I’m so grateful for this community and the invaluable information they provide.
I wish my wife would even get to this point...she states only emotional affair.. but so far she has failed to break it off..I realize it won’t last and it will get to this point I just want to be ready for her when it does
I actually moved out and in with AP when I told wife I had been seeing someone. It wasn't discovered, I just confessed. Then 2 days later I packed and came back to wife. Then back to AP. Then to wife. Then out to AP again for 6 weeks. Then back to wife. Mostly the guilt was killing me. Im an absolute mess and the other person ruined me for anyone else. Ive never missed someone so much.
i don't think it's a three step checklist, but i think when there is solid momentum with the spouse and when they are focused on you and doing well in their own repair work. when they have a solid connection with you they are probably moving forward doing well. it takes a while, but if they are connected with you and showing great signs of regaining trust and connection, i would focus on that.
When I went cold turkey with my AP it was the hardest thing I went through. My sadness was intense and I still struggle 6 months later. But, it is much better at this point. And I need to take your advice and switch my focus when I start thinking about it.
My husband emotional/physical affair was secretly two months long and he says he was in love. Then another two months after I knew about it, more trying to hide. She cut it off. He claims it was a habit to talk to her all day. But it seems like he been avoiding me because I "act crazy". We are 3 and a half months of them with no contact and he is still avoiding me. But he also contacted some escort agency a few times since they ceased contact. He says he isn't in love with her anymore. He also claims he grieved about the affair long before I knew.
My partner has cheated multiple times with multiple coworkers and the two that were long term no longer work with him but every time things quiet down I catch him going beyond a coworker relationship with new coworkers and more recently tried to start a new relationship with a bartender where his mom and dad work… I was blown away. I’ve never seen anything so blatantly disrespectful not only to me but his parents and the girl that they have to see all the time. I’ve spent 9 years drowning in his infidelity and he says all the right things but has never and likely will never seek therapy and so I’ve lost all hope. It’s just as painful now as it has been when he gets caught. I need help with ptsd from it and thanks to you guys for the past year I think I’ll get through it and know how to start again.
Can this detox phase last longer due to the fact that the betrayed spouse doesn't seem to want the marriage to continue (in the perception of the unfaithful partner)? The constant anger and fighting and questioning, can these make it harder for the unfaithful partner to detox, thinking of how things were calmer with the AP than with the spouse?
by a small margin sure, but the onus is on the unf spouse to do their work and take ownership of their own detox phase and get the right help to ensure it's a short as possible. regardless of what the betrayed does, the unf will be detoxing...however, it would be unwise to blame the betrayed for anything related to their own detox phase and process.
How can the unfaithful effectively detox when theres still some contact with the AP?. I would like to agree ,but I don`t. Wouldn`t detox work better with no contact?
hi joe. one can't really effectively detox while still being in contact with the ap. it's absolutely essential that there is no contact if they are going to detox. i know it's hard. i'm so sorry it's so difficult to walk this out.
I am just joining. My spouse and I are very new to the infidelity. He and I are both listening to your blogs and find them so very helpful. I am the betrayed. Is it fair for me to ask him to take the initiative to get the 3rd party help because right now I am doing what you said not to do and asking him to share with me. I feel we have so much to fight for and have a beauty relationship. His affair was very short and was only emotional because I found out early. Thank you so much for doing what you do.
i think it's fair for sure. but, at the same time, it's about actually getting help so don't fall on the sword of who signs up for what...but find help, get the help and use it. our site is loaded with courses and intensives that are some of the finest in the country.
Deanna - it has been more than 2 years since your original post on here, can I ask where you marriage stands today? I am just starting this process. My husband (57)of 35 years, has been having an emotional affair with someone (24) that not only worked for him (he was her direct supervisor) but is 33 years younger than him. She started working for him when she was only 19. We have started counseling, on week 3, but he still refuses to admit that it was an affair “we’re just friends” or “I am like a father figure to her”….. is all he is willing to admit to. I am just wondering if there is light at the end of this tunnel or should I just turn around, save myself the pain and struggle and simply file now and walk away.
My unfaithful spouse cut ties cold turkey. It's was an 8 month affair. He also had multiple websites he was on. He says he doesn't ever think of her. And that he had no emotional connection. Even though he was telling her he loved her. He says it meant nothing. And he's done with it. How can this be? Is he being honest or just not wanting to deal with it.
it's really tough. i don't know him and can't say for sure. BUT, i would tell you it's often an unfaithful will say those things to minimize the affair, make you feel safe and try to help you feel safer that they were not emotionally engaged with the affair partner. the problem is, if that's the case, and they were so heavily involved with one person, it's alarming as well that they could be so destructive to a person after 8 months. it's concerning that they didn't have anything for that person, so did they just use them and manipulate them? sometimes they want to say nothing was there to minimize it and make you feel better, but it's concerning in many ways.
@@samshealingpodcast @ghalsos9130 - my husband is saying the same after a 2 years affair, we are 1 month in after d-day and he did a complete switch after a week realising what he did and what he really meant (or not meant) for him. The person was never up to his standards, she was never an option (as someone to LOVE) for him to begin with and always loved me. He says he has gone so low he cannot believe how he allowed himself to do this just for sex. So yes he used that person for his gain. I do believe he is genuine, he has been a good person for 23 years and made a huge mistake for the last two, but we never stopped loving each other and could never keep our hands off each other even during the affair ( which he describes as add-on sex due to greediness and entitlement). He is now so happy to have been stopped because he realised this thing had no meaning but had become addictive to the secrecy of it and the adrenaline he was experiencing way more than the person. I do believe if the unfaithful was not in love, it is much easier to switch quickly. I would add also that the affair partner, after the affair came out, was mean to me, this was another reason why he started to resent her immediately. He was basically taking my side and protecting me against her, so again this made the detox from her much quicker. I think every situation is different and yes we need to be careful to trust again but a month in and he really is another person already, like he has been awaken from some sort of nightmare. I am so glad we can have a second chance and maybe this time around will be a better one.
All good said and done ! But what if you don’t love ur husband anymore? Stay ? And force yourself to love him passionately? Just for financially ? No one owns anyone
sadly, it's time for distance, boundaries and i would consider a separation. if he's going to continue to do that without consequences, i'm not sure he's going to stop.
every situation is different. if you feel led to do it, then i would do it but be prepared if it doesn't go well ya know? maybe they will enjoy it, maybe not, but if you feel like you want to then i would.
We are 1.5 years post my husband's emotional affair with a mutual friend who he said he loved. Things have been great, but recently he seems distant and I feel extremely anxious that he is going to leave and when the affair is brought, by me only of course, he says he doesnt want to talk about the affair because he doesnt want to think of her. And when I ask him if he does think of her, he says yes, he wonders how she is etc. I just want to know how long can a detox take? how long will he think of her etc? I have asked many times if he is leaving etc or if he is still in love with me? which he answers no and yes to, but not with great enthusiasm. It makes me extremely concerned that he is just staying because its the right thing to do.
it varies. it can take a month or so up to about 6 depending on the severity and connection and type of the affair. what help have you been utilizing? have you considered one of our online courses to help you both move forward? you can find them here: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses
Have you seen a professional marriage counselor in the past two years? My husband had an online emotional affair and there isn’t any way I would still be with him if we didn’t go for counseling. It’s been one year since discovery and I’m still devastated at times. If Your husband is getting further from you instead of closer it may be time to see a counselor. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through because it’s hell.
He was telling me for a little bit that he texted her. When we were together, he said that he blocked her pretty kept a blocking her. I'm not angry, can't be cause that's only hurting me.
I have been standing for my marriage for two years now and we are scheduled to go to court for his divorce in one month. We have been together for 27 years and married for 22 years. My husband has been living with the OW for 18 months. He did move back home last year for six months but he admitted to being addicted to the OW and then he left me again six months ago and moved back in with the OW. My husband and I barely communicate but according to our son it sounds like he is trying to pull himself away from the OW. Is there anything I can do to help my husband during the process? Thank you, Trea
i would get expert help or ask him to consider getting expert help with you merely to 'see if there is any hope.' if not, unfortunately i'm not sure there is much you can do to change his mind. i'm so sorry for the pain you're walking through.
Trea, men hate to be alone, that's way they find another woman real quick. Soon he will get bored with the OW and come back to you and then get bored again with you and find another woman. He needs to be comfortable with himself, love himself before he can give true love to anyone else or this cycle will just be a rinse and repeat.
I never had the intensity of attraction to husband I had to AP. How do I possibly go back to a physical life with him when my body feels NOTHING for him ? Lots of good things otherwise, but not that aspect. Never was that great. Now seems impossible.
I really do think this has been my biggest mistake in recovery. My wife has wanted. Demanded. And I share everything with her. She’s wanted to know everything. And I do think that these are some of the things that I have shared with her. And I think they’ve caused so much trauma. There’s a lot of confusion on what to share and what not to share. There’s a lot of confusion on how much details to give and how much not to give. I was under the impression I needed to be completely honest with my wife and give her every detail she wanted. But I understand now that it is catastrophically damaging to talk about these things to your wife.
Experience internet right nowe were going with each otfor like one week, and then you get it back. 3 weeks he didn't get in contact with me. And I was healing Then we decided to where he decided that we could work on our marriage. But like I said, you went back. A week later. So now I'm in the healing process again.
You only cover it in detail from the unfaithful couple, but often the affair partner gets the brunt of it. As a counsellor I found that if the affair partner is a women she usually is kicked to the kurb after. Can you cover it from that angle as well?
WTF! Do you mean to tell you spouse about your meetings and conversations, or deep conversations? Are you nuts? They can't see, text, talk or anything. Explain that please.
In my case myself and the unfaithful partner work together but he took off for over a month. Is this his way of detoxing. And I haven't heard a word from him since than . Also I just found out he didn't quit,that he still wants to come back eventually. I dont want him to return so I can heal
Any further interaction between the US and the AP is unacceptable. Unnecessary torture for the BS. No amount of money is worth it. #God&familyovermoney
My unfaithful tells me he wants to minister the gospel to the AP and now they are only in the"friend zone" but he still pays to see her online. He let's me know when he sees her.
I am so sorry. Please find help in setting your boundaries and consequences. I got the "we are counseling each other" line and fed "info" on their supposed safe interactions. It was deflection and distraction. Nothing shifted without firm boundaries.
I hate this! I did this detox several times for 12 years with the same affair partner the longest time was 7 years... no contact, no call, been to therapy still in therapy. I never felt like this with other man. Not even my husband. I keep having relaspes, because I believe this is real love it has to be, I CANT EXPLAIN IT. I wanted to be with him so bad but he deployed in 2010. I broke it off because I was scared of the distance and abandonment issues I had. We both had went through divorce b4 we meet so the timing was off. He is always there...through. He blames himself over the years for not stepping up to be with me. I had guilt from rushing off and getting married out if loneliness. My current husband is a good man, but i married him but never had the sparks or deep intimacy or chemistry like I do with my affair partner. I been on his mind too. He tries to get in relationships even got engaged, but it failed. I used pray for his happiness even if he was not with me. I wanted him to find happiness, so I could end this obsession. That's when he would call or text... like out of the blue... when I was the most lonely in my marriage... almost like we could feel each other pain. I didnt answer for 7 years. Until my spouse decided to do another tour and extend for 18 months...he has been on several tours in the past 6 years. I didnt reach out trying to make this marriage work. I was going to therapy trying to deal with these the sexless one sided marriage, loneliness and depression issues. My affair partner reached out during this time too. I didn't answer. Then out nowhere my brother in law expressed he was addicted to porngraphy and he and his wife weren't having sex like that for 5 years.. It made me relieved that someone else was going through this but honestly, it made me angry because They fake it too...the illusion of happy marriage. My spouse and our intimacy and sex didn't change.. I just shut down and this blockage happened. I give him sex but there is no intimacy attached you feel dead on the inside. I filled up my life being busy but it feels empty, so I would buy things over eat etc...and blow up or get super depressed cause there in no burn or desire. I been the only one going to consistent therapy over the years...still trying to understand WHY am I attracted to this man like this, and no my husband. This the longest fairytale. He is a great man, former military, owns his own home, builds things, works hard, does not do drink or do drugs, he cares so much about me. He even goes through this pain with me... it so sad. 😢 This hurts bad...we cant be together cause this society will have you feelings like your the worst person in the world...if you actually think you could be happier elsewhere. I stay because of my daughter.
Thank you for being real.. true what you said the detox phase HURTS LIKE HELL.. i’m in the midst of it.. it was not even an affair but a heavy crush on each other.. we both can feel the deep emotional connection just by looking at each others” eyes, the affection & sexual tension in the air everytime we near each other.. so with all the strength within me I’m currently trying to gain my sanity, go no contact and choose to walk away before anything further happen
This is me as well, only we had an emotional affair and there were pictures sent back forth (sexting). Both married. My hubby found out last August and I tried to end things, but the pull was still there. Hubby found out that I kep the friendship going and I have now cut all ties. Only problem is we work together, so I am avoiding all situations where we could interact. But I know get the detoxing....didn't think I was allowed to feel sad. Everyday I struggle, but I have changed many routines at work to avoid.
OMG my husband needs to watch this video and read your comment.
He had a major crush on a woman with children, and wanted to mentor
her son in carpentry. Saying he was not going to be around her -
and has not understood how this is impossible for me to tolerate.
About every six months there is a reminder of that crush and it tears me
apart. They live near us.
I had an emotional affair that was limited to simply providing emotional support to each other, and thereby bonding. Sounds like two friends just talking, right? Well too bad I had a mini crush on her when we worked together about 8 years or so before the affair happened. That brought it way over the line for her. My biggest regret was allowing myself to fall into a pit of self hatred, self pity, and simply just froze. I couldn’t bring myself to do the work…I couldn’t shut down the horrible narratives in my head that I was such a terrible person, that I didn’t deserve her forgiveness…I got angry. I lashed out at everyone around me, her most undeserved…more damage. More disappointment. She ran out of patience. She can’t help me if I can’t help me. She was right. She ended it.
Now…I’m doing the work anyway. There’s no hell I would not trespass to have her back, to make it right and build back something better…but I fear it’s too late. She’s seeing someone else now, and I’m gutted. Still…I’m doing the work. I never want to be that man again. I want to be the man she deserves by her side, even if I’ve run out of chances…even if she doesn’t choose me again…I’ll never go back to being the man who thought it was okay to open up to someone who had no right to see that side of me.
The real problem is when they won't even admit to affair the lies and double life is excruciating.
Ive been with a cheater for 9 years and it feels like slow death
If you’re able to make an exit financially I’d suggest doing it and if they really want to change they’ll fight to get you back.
I feel your pain sister. I learned Feb 2022, after almost 35 yrs of marriage, my husband had 4 affair partners over last 32 yrs of our marriage (hooker, family member's friend, waitress & cashier). Trying desperately to heal myself, since he's still in denial. Even though I've seen him in ACTION (cashier in 2014 emotional affair) when we were shopping there ON HER DAY OFF. She was called into work, & he didn't expect her to be there when he walked in with me. Likewise she learned about me THAT NIGHT, & was clearly ANGRY with his deception.
He refuses to DIVORCE & gets extremely violent every time I try to talk with him.
I'm married, but have NEVER felt more alone in life than I do now. Painful is an understatement!!
I pray you find healing & happiness in your future.
Might be hard to understand, but as someone on the other end, you feel embarrassed and ashamed. You've lost the connection to women you love and have broken at least two hearts. It's not an excuse but a perspective. I am sorry that you've ladies have gone through this, though, as there aren't any winners. Hope you both find healing.
Sam, you’re the best. These videos are super helpful. I love your honesty, transparency, and just the way you put words together to express the right thoughts and emotions about all of these topics. As a betrayed spouse, I am super grateful for your commitment to helping others through these painful experiences.
thank you for your kind words.
My husband just realized he has been insecure for 45 years and treated me and our children bad by not being there and having a demon on his shoulder is the beast way to describe it. He basically had horrible thoughts about me from dating till now. He thought if I said something to him about anything he would turn it into something ugly and try to say well she’s the one with the problem it’s not me. If I went anywhere without him he thought I was going to see someone. I’m hurt but so hurt that he was going through this and I didn’t know because we could have found a way to fix it.
Its wild because I'm in the exact same boat! I'm glad it's coming out now and he can be free and you can both live a true, honest marriage.
My wife kept messaging her AP for almost 6 months after D-day. She finally got over him and has now moved on. Your videos have really helped me understand this and stick by her side. It hurt really bad, but it was worth the work. Some people may say I’m stupid or crazy, but it was worth it.
How do you know she won't do it again? Besides saying that she "got over" the AP, what work has she done to understand and change the thoughts and behaviors that led to her cheating?
If she's done no work, then the chances of her relapsing are higher than if she's done the work.
Thank you for staying with her if she's sincere. The whole thing is much worse than we can ever admit, and I am sorry about what you went through. I am an unfaithful spouse, and I hate myself and am also struggling, and I hate the fact that I am struggling with this. I hate it so much. I hate the fact that I am aonweak and tired at times. I hate myself for even ever thinking about him. Like why ehy!!! Different things remind me about him. I don't want it. GOD help me. I wish I didn't expose myself to this. Where can I get help... from all d way in Africa. Sam, please help.
You cant love two people at the same time... It's impossible. I love my husband, and how is it possible that I am thinking about this rubbish. I am angry with myself.
@@Yemi927 me too. Thank you! It need to all go away!
8 months in the bed I made for myself…I cannot express how hard this has been
Thank you for yet another great blog, Samuel. Your content really keeps me afloat.
I would very much appreciate a blog dedicated to the situation you briefly mentioned during this one; where the unfaithful and the AP are colleagues.
This is my current situation, and it has been very difficult to live with, ever since I discovered their affair just over a year ago. Although he claims the affair has ended, and has taken every possible step to be safe for me, the fact that they still work together just kills me. He's tried hard to change jobs but has been unsuccessful so far. I'm afraid this will mean the end of our relationship, as I don't feel I can move on at all, knowing they spend every single workday in close proximity.
I would be very grateful for your thoughts on this, as well as tips on how to move forward.
Amazing video. Thank you! I really have needed to understand the process my unfaithful husband has been going through. He was in a 2 yr physical & emotional love Affair. He had moved out, was living with her, and had filed for Divorce when he realized he still loved me. It took a few excruciating months for him to leave the AP, to finally end the relationship. I think I have a better sense of his detoxing process from her while he was struggling to make his final decision to come home to me.
Could you make a video on the unfaithful’s struggle to end an entwined love affair.. the process they go through to separate from the AP and choose their spouse & family.
I do wish you had made this video earlier. This process has caused me so much pain in the past two years. At least others have the video to refer to now. Thank you for all the help you’ve given us.
Great
Diane M I agree. I was waiting to hear others experience with this. I think this process was worse than learning of the actual affair.
6 months???? Its been 3 weeks and im in excruciating pain!!
I’m 3 weeks out now. How are you now?
I am 4 days in and excruciating
Feels like my unfaithful had a stronger bond to her AP than to her husband. If it wasn't for kids I don't think the marriage would have stood a chance.
i think it's sad that people end up being resentful and miserable just because they want to stay for the kids
This is hard to hear, as the Betrayed Spouse....I don't like hearing it. But I want to understand as well. But it also makes me sick.
Same!
Yeah, I was betrayed by my wife pretty badly. The mental pain that it has caused me for the past 3 years is the most pain I've ever suffered in my life. I like most of the videos this group puts out but honestly this one disgusts me. I made my wife text the guy that they will not be talking or seeing each other any more and that was that. Fortunately for me she's been doing mostly the right things to help us recover.
What do I do if he’s still calling her? Do I file for divorce
I had a 4 year affair and when I broke it off, the affair partner told my wife. I then proceeded to text and email the affair partner. Intermittently for 10 years, reprimanding her and at the same time trying to help her get her life in order. I know that was wrong and pointless. Revealing this has really upset my wife, understandably. My dopamine receptors were still a work trying to fix someone I really couldn't help. Having faced what this behavior means to my wife is very troubling to her. I am humiliated and ashamed.
Honestly, you can’t help who you fall in love with and it sounds like you really do love the other woman❤
I really want to be the kind of betrayed spouse who can process with my unfaithful. Are there ANY of us who have come far enough in our own work (I’ve been doing mine all this time he has continued in the affair) to be able to handle working through it with him? I’m ready not to shame but to support. It feels like it would be _worse_ than the pain of him-missing-her to think he can’t be _honest_ with me and has to withhold things that he can share with “the group” but not with me. I have learned he will miss her, and I’m ready to face those feelings with him, so why not be honest when it’s happening and give me a shot at showing the level of acceptance and love I can show? Hopefully on some days when I really need to be honest about how _I’m_ feeling about things that might be uncomfortable for him, he too can buckle down and be there for me despite his discomfort. If I can’t have a marriage like that (someday), then why work so hard to put it back together?
Powerful read.. it's been 2 months, how's it all going for YOU now?
How many here had the emotional affair partner justify their actions by hearing we’re just friends ?
I am just starting this process. My husband (57)of 35 years, has been having an emotional affair with someone (24) that not only worked for him (he was her direct supervisor) but is 33 years younger than him. She started working for him when she was only 19.
We have started counseling, on week 3, but he still refuses to admit that it was an affair “we’re just friends” or “I am like a father figure to her”….. is all he is willing to admit to.
I am just wondering if there is light at the end of this tunnel or should I just turn around, save myself the pain and struggle and simply file now and walk away.
@@watcher685 yeah… She’s definitely friends with him!! Friends in bed together!
So it’s been almost 3 years since d day. My spouse had an emotional and very sexual affair with an employee that lasted months. When he came home and asked me to take him back he denied any feelings for her even though the relationship had been ended only days before he came home. I had trouble believing this because of how he acted. His words and behavior didn’t match. So last month he finally told me he continued to have feelings for her after he came home and communicated those feelings to her after he came home. I feel this lie for 3 years has damaged my trust of anything he has told me. I knew in my heart he did but he continued to lie.
As hard as it would have been, I wish he had been truthful in the beginning without going into detail. Now I feel like this has thrown me backwards in our recovery and I’m not sure what to do with the feelings of distrust and pain I have now.
Running Wolf thank you for sharing. Please know you are not in that boat alone... I feel your pain through my own similar story.
the pain is real I can relate.:( im so sorry he did that to you! I hope you are ok. Im going on month 3 with knowing my spouses truth and im having a very hard time with it as well. I feel so alone. if only they could really know the pain they are putting us through . how can someone lie like that its scary! And we are here trying to figure out whats wrong when it should be them looking at these videos and trying to save what they have with us . I swear men are scary I don't trust anyone anymore... another thing I don't get is why we stay ??? that's another one that boggles my mind. I really hope you are ok I know it hurts beyond belief. you are in my thoughts xo
it's vital you get help. help for him and for you. to just move on without any sort of expert care is going to only make things worse and cause more uncertainty. here are our online courses: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses and here is an in person intensive: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend you can heal from this and he can get healthy. however, it's going to require expert help to wade through it all. don't give up....difficult isn't impossible, despite what you probably feel right now.
I get so tired of hearing and seeing how we as men have hurt the women that we claim to love. Your trust is damaged and with trust being damaged, it's always tough to try and make things right. Women stay for a lot of reasons but I think mostly because they as women truly know what love is. We men at times have yet to figure it out. If we would only return what was given to us or better yet, be 1st to give what is needed by her. As for me, I've got to do better.
This has been a hard part of our recovery, my wife doesn't understand this part (and I get it) but I feel it's all part of the healing and recovery process, which I am working on with her
My husband went to Africa and married a woman same age with his oldest daughter 23 at 51yrs. I am struggling to understand this type of infidelity and polygamy affair.
What if my husband says he has pushed her out of his mind? He has been saying this since the first week. I have expressed my concern that he was “in love” with this person for at least two months and even if he has suppressed those feelings (which is a pattern for him and one of the reasons we are in this mess) that they will most likely resurface and I don’t want to be re-traumatized. He insists that won’t happen...that he knows now that he didn’t really love her at all and wants to put all of his energy into me. At one point he said, “you’re not going to believe this but I even forgot what she looked like until you started asking me details.” FYI, I found out on November 3rd so we haven’t even reached a month yet.
hi there. thank you for the email. i'm sorry but to me it's not sufficient. it requires much more than that to be able to heal and move forward. we're dealing with real life trauma and real life pain that can't be suppressed to heal from. it's going to require expert help and expert care to be able to prevent relapse. his will power wasn't enough to prevent the affair from happening in the first place.....so to trust will power again is highly suspect. what help have you considered? i would suggest a couple options. 1. our ems weekend for you both: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend 2. a course for him on his own relapse prevention and long term heath both mentally and sexually: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing
A year later how is it now?
I just learned this morning that my wife has still been in contact with her affair partner the past three months. My D-Day was Memorial Day 2020. We have been doing work with a marriage counselor and I have been doing individual work with a therapist. I thought we were making good progress until I learned this today. I am soo confused. Help!
it's somewhat normal to see happen aaron. if you want help, she needs expert care. no disrespect to what you're doing, but it's time for what i would call infidelity specific help that can develop a plan for her to prevent relapse and actually end the affair and break free (and stay free). here is what i would recommend asap: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend
SOUL TIES ARE HARD TO BREAK. But not impossible.
Sam can you do one on a process of recovery after they e left you for the affair partner then comes back?…I have so many peoples opinions coming at me I don’t know my left from my right
Can you follow up this theme with the effects to body/brain etc for the unfaithful when they do have contact months years after affair/detox? I read that any contact during detachment brings them back to zero, and have to restart, though each time they do it should progress quicker than the last.
I can't imagine that chemicals aren't retriggered, or emotions revived through seeing them (not intentionally) or believing the anonymous call was the offending partner, or hearing about her from others, etc, even 2 years later. I'd like to understand it more and I think my unfaithful could use the info too. He wants me to believe he's not affected but his energy says otherwise.
Yes I love this. Do a follow up
I’d enjoy more on this topic as well. For sure.
I am 2 years right now since I cut the ap off but I worked with her for a year and a half after I cut it off. I had to see her almost every single day. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever went through and I’m still dealing with. I haven’t seen or heard about her in six months but she’s still there, In my head from time to time. I am getting better but it’s a process and I keep fighting. I thought I respond to you to let you know... at least I do.... still get triggered even though I do not want her back at all. She was my biggest mistake. I hope my sharing helps give you insight. God bless.
This is so sad. I know its real and inescapable. And necessary. But so hard to hear.
Thank you. I was waiting on this topic.
This was hard to hear but it makes a lot of sense. This is one of the hardest things i have gone through
Yes. I’m in the process of trying to end the relationship with my AP of two years. Hard is an understatement. And given that I’m very unsure as to not I want (or even can) save or rectify things with my spouse. It’s a lonely place to be and I’m so grateful for this community and the invaluable information they provide.
I wish my wife would even get to this point...she states only emotional affair.. but so far she has failed to break it off..I realize it won’t last and it will get to this point I just want to be ready for her when it does
Same. I'm day 4...it's awful.
I actually moved out and in with AP when I told wife I had been seeing someone. It wasn't discovered, I just confessed. Then 2 days later I packed and came back to wife. Then back to AP. Then to wife. Then out to AP again for 6 weeks. Then back to wife. Mostly the guilt was killing me. Im an absolute mess and the other person ruined me for anyone else. Ive never missed someone so much.
Exactly how did u succeed?
How do you know when your unfaithful partner has detoxed from their AP?
i don't think it's a three step checklist, but i think when there is solid momentum with the spouse and when they are focused on you and doing well in their own repair work. when they have a solid connection with you they are probably moving forward doing well. it takes a while, but if they are connected with you and showing great signs of regaining trust and connection, i would focus on that.
It was painful to think of the detox process and him thinking of her.
I needed to hear this . Thank you. So much❤
When I went cold turkey with my AP it was the hardest thing I went through. My sadness was intense and I still struggle 6 months later. But, it is much better at this point. And I need to take your advice and switch my focus when I start thinking about it.
My sadness, grief, all emotions were so heavy.
And now? Please update
Can people get over their affairs partners if they still see them at work but don't interact
I had to see him sing songs and play guitar songs similar lyrics, about heartbreak , so humilliant
That is really painful.
My husband emotional/physical affair was secretly two months long and he says he was in love. Then another two months after I knew about it, more trying to hide. She cut it off. He claims it was a habit to talk to her all day. But it seems like he been avoiding me because I "act crazy". We are 3 and a half months of them with no contact and he is still avoiding me. But he also contacted some escort agency a few times since they ceased contact. He says he isn't in love with her anymore. He also claims he grieved about the affair long before I knew.
My partner has cheated multiple times with multiple coworkers and the two that were long term no longer work with him but every time things quiet down I catch him going beyond a coworker relationship with new coworkers and more recently tried to start a new relationship with a bartender where his mom and dad work… I was blown away. I’ve never seen anything so blatantly disrespectful not only to me but his parents and the girl that they have to see all the time.
I’ve spent 9 years drowning in his infidelity and he says all the right things but has never and likely will never seek therapy and so I’ve lost all hope. It’s just as painful now as it has been when he gets caught. I need help with ptsd from it and thanks to you guys for the past year I think I’ll get through it and know how to start again.
Can this detox phase last longer due to the fact that the betrayed spouse doesn't seem to want the marriage to continue (in the perception of the unfaithful partner)? The constant anger and fighting and questioning, can these make it harder for the unfaithful partner to detox, thinking of how things were calmer with the AP than with the spouse?
by a small margin sure, but the onus is on the unf spouse to do their work and take ownership of their own detox phase and get the right help to ensure it's a short as possible. regardless of what the betrayed does, the unf will be detoxing...however, it would be unwise to blame the betrayed for anything related to their own detox phase and process.
How can the unfaithful effectively detox when theres still some contact with the AP?.
I would like to agree ,but I don`t. Wouldn`t detox work better with no contact?
hi joe. one can't really effectively detox while still being in contact with the ap. it's absolutely essential that there is no contact if they are going to detox. i know it's hard. i'm so sorry it's so difficult to walk this out.
I am just joining. My spouse and I are very new to the infidelity. He and I are both listening to your blogs and find them so very helpful. I am the betrayed. Is it fair for me to ask him to take the initiative to get the 3rd party help because right now I am doing what you said not to do and asking him to share with me. I feel we have so much to fight for and have a beauty relationship. His affair was very short and was only emotional because I found out early. Thank you so much for doing what you do.
i think it's fair for sure. but, at the same time, it's about actually getting help so don't fall on the sword of who signs up for what...but find help, get the help and use it. our site is loaded with courses and intensives that are some of the finest in the country.
Deanna - it has been more than 2 years since your original post on here, can I ask where you marriage stands today?
I am just starting this process. My husband (57)of 35 years, has been having an emotional affair with someone (24) that not only worked for him (he was her direct supervisor) but is 33 years younger than him. She started working for him when she was only 19.
We have started counseling, on week 3, but he still refuses to admit that it was an affair “we’re just friends” or “I am like a father figure to her”….. is all he is willing to admit to.
I am just wondering if there is light at the end of this tunnel or should I just turn around, save myself the pain and struggle and simply file now and walk away.
What do the various ways to detox from an affair partner look like? Or where can I find this information?
here is an article series that can help: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/ending-an-affair-step-one-make-the-decision
lovely video
My unfaithful spouse cut ties cold turkey. It's was an 8 month affair. He also had multiple websites he was on.
He says he doesn't ever think of her.
And that he had no emotional connection. Even though he was telling her he loved her. He says it meant nothing. And he's done with it. How can this be? Is he being honest or just not wanting to deal with it.
it's really tough. i don't know him and can't say for sure. BUT, i would tell you it's often an unfaithful will say those things to minimize the affair, make you feel safe and try to help you feel safer that they were not emotionally engaged with the affair partner. the problem is, if that's the case, and they were so heavily involved with one person, it's alarming as well that they could be so destructive to a person after 8 months. it's concerning that they didn't have anything for that person, so did they just use them and manipulate them? sometimes they want to say nothing was there to minimize it and make you feel better, but it's concerning in many ways.
@@samshealingpodcast @ghalsos9130 - my husband is saying the same after a 2 years affair, we are 1 month in after d-day and he did a complete switch after a week realising what he did and what he really meant (or not meant) for him. The person was never up to his standards, she was never an option (as someone to LOVE) for him to begin with and always loved me. He says he has gone so low he cannot believe how he allowed himself to do this just for sex. So yes he used that person for his gain. I do believe he is genuine, he has been a good person for 23 years and made a huge mistake for the last two, but we never stopped loving each other and could never keep our hands off each other even during the affair ( which he describes as add-on sex due to greediness and entitlement). He is now so happy to have been stopped because he realised this thing had no meaning but had become addictive to the secrecy of it and the adrenaline he was experiencing way more than the person. I do believe if the unfaithful was not in love, it is much easier to switch quickly. I would add also that the affair partner, after the affair came out, was mean to me, this was another reason why he started to resent her immediately. He was basically taking my side and protecting me against her, so again this made the detox from her much quicker. I think every situation is different and yes we need to be careful to trust again but a month in and he really is another person already, like he has been awaken from some sort of nightmare. I am so glad we can have a second chance and maybe this time around will be a better one.
This may seem like a crazy question but could the emotional affair partner be a sibling?
it could be, yes. what help are you all utilizing?
All good said and done ! But what if you don’t love ur husband anymore? Stay ? And force yourself to love him passionately? Just for financially ? No one owns anyone
What if he continues to see the affair partner and lies about it?
sadly, it's time for distance, boundaries and i would consider a separation. if he's going to continue to do that without consequences, i'm not sure he's going to stop.
Do you suggest sharing this video with your spouse, if they dnt watch these videos? There are so many truths in this video, it hurts
every situation is different. if you feel led to do it, then i would do it but be prepared if it doesn't go well ya know? maybe they will enjoy it, maybe not, but if you feel like you want to then i would.
We are 1.5 years post my husband's emotional affair with a mutual friend who he said he loved. Things have been great, but recently he seems distant and I feel extremely anxious that he is going to leave and when the affair is brought, by me only of course, he says he doesnt want to talk about the affair because he doesnt want to think of her. And when I ask him if he does think of her, he says yes, he wonders how she is etc. I just want to know how long can a detox take? how long will he think of her etc? I have asked many times if he is leaving etc or if he is still in love with me? which he answers no and yes to, but not with great enthusiasm. It makes me extremely concerned that he is just staying because its the right thing to do.
it varies. it can take a month or so up to about 6 depending on the severity and connection and type of the affair. what help have you been utilizing? have you considered one of our online courses to help you both move forward? you can find them here: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses
Have you seen a professional marriage counselor in the past two years? My husband had an online emotional affair and there isn’t any way I would still be with him if we didn’t go for counseling. It’s been one year since discovery and I’m still devastated at times. If
Your husband is getting further from you instead of closer it may be time to see a counselor. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through because it’s hell.
He was telling me for a little bit that he texted her. When we were together, he said that he blocked her pretty kept a blocking her.
I'm not angry, can't be cause that's only hurting me.
So after detox, we will stop loving the AP?
I have been standing for my marriage for two years now and we are scheduled to go to court for his divorce in one month. We have been together for 27 years and married for 22 years. My husband has been living with the OW for 18 months. He did move back home last year for six months but he admitted to being addicted to the OW and then he left me again six months ago and moved back in with the OW. My husband and I barely communicate but according to our son it sounds like he is trying to pull himself away from the OW. Is there anything I can do to help my husband during the process?
Thank you,
Trea
i would get expert help or ask him to consider getting expert help with you merely to 'see if there is any hope.' if not, unfortunately i'm not sure there is much you can do to change his mind. i'm so sorry for the pain you're walking through.
Trea, men hate to be alone, that's way they find another woman real quick. Soon he will get bored with the OW and come back to you and then get bored again with you and find another woman. He needs to be comfortable with himself, love himself before he can give true love to anyone else or this cycle will just be a rinse and repeat.
Whatever happened with your marriage. I'm in a similar situation with shorter time frames, but still the going back and forth.
I never had the intensity of attraction to husband I had to AP. How do I possibly go back to a physical life with him when my body feels NOTHING for him ? Lots of good things otherwise, but not that aspect. Never was that great. Now seems impossible.
She blocked him...is that detox?
I really do think this has been my biggest mistake in recovery. My wife has wanted. Demanded. And I share everything with her. She’s wanted to know everything. And I do think that these are some of the things that I have shared with her. And I think they’ve caused so much trauma. There’s a lot of confusion on what to share and what not to share. There’s a lot of confusion on how much details to give and how much not to give. I was under the impression I needed to be completely honest with my wife and give her every detail she wanted. But I understand now that it is catastrophically damaging to talk about these things to your wife.
Experience internet right nowe were going with each otfor like one week, and then you get it back.
3 weeks he didn't get in contact with me.
And I was healing Then we decided to where he decided that we could work on our marriage. But like I said, you went back.
A week later.
So now I'm in the healing process again.
What type of counselor should I be looking for?
what happen when their is a child
You only cover it in detail from the unfaithful couple, but often the affair partner gets the brunt of it. As a counsellor I found that if the affair partner is a women she usually is kicked to the kurb after. Can you cover it from that angle as well?
This would be an interesting point of view to cover.
Please give a warning for the betrayed don’t watch this immediately following discovery.
Lol why not?
THANK🤗YOU!!!
WTF! Do you mean to tell you spouse about your meetings and conversations, or deep conversations? Are you nuts? They can't see, text, talk or anything. Explain that please.
In my case myself and the unfaithful partner work together but he took off for over a month. Is this his way of detoxing. And I haven't heard a word from him since than . Also I just found out he didn't quit,that he still wants to come back eventually. I dont want him to return so I can heal
7:36 is my issue
Any further interaction between the US and the AP is unacceptable. Unnecessary torture for the BS. No amount of money is worth it. #God&familyovermoney
Finally
My unfaithful tells me he wants to minister the gospel to the AP and now they are only in the"friend zone" but he still pays to see her online. He let's me know when he sees her.
I am so sorry. Please find help in setting your boundaries and consequences. I got the "we are counseling each other" line and fed "info" on their supposed safe interactions. It was deflection and distraction. Nothing shifted without firm boundaries.
He needs to stop that crap! Completely!
🌟❤🍀
I hate this! I did this detox several times for 12 years with the same affair partner the longest time was 7 years... no contact, no call, been to therapy still in therapy. I never felt like this with other man. Not even my husband. I keep having relaspes, because I believe this is real love it has to be, I CANT EXPLAIN IT. I wanted to be with him so bad but he deployed in 2010. I broke it off because I was scared of the distance and abandonment issues I had. We both had went through divorce b4 we meet so the timing was off. He is always there...through. He blames himself over the years for not stepping up to be with me. I had guilt from rushing off and getting married out if loneliness. My current husband is a good man, but i married him but never had the sparks or deep intimacy or chemistry like I do with my affair partner. I been on his mind too. He tries to get in relationships even got engaged, but it failed. I used pray for his happiness even if he was not with me. I wanted him to find happiness, so I could end this obsession. That's when he would call or text... like out of the blue... when I was the most lonely in my marriage... almost like we could feel each other pain. I didnt answer for 7 years. Until my spouse decided to do another tour and extend for 18 months...he has been on several tours in the past 6 years. I didnt reach out trying to make this marriage work. I was going to therapy trying to deal with these the sexless one sided marriage, loneliness and depression issues. My affair partner reached out during this time too. I didn't answer. Then out nowhere my brother in law expressed he was addicted to porngraphy and he and his wife weren't having sex like that for 5 years.. It made me relieved that someone else was going through this but honestly, it made me angry because They fake it too...the illusion of happy marriage. My spouse and our intimacy and sex didn't change.. I just shut down and this blockage happened. I give him sex but there is no intimacy attached you feel dead on the inside. I filled up my life being busy but it feels empty, so I would buy things over eat etc...and blow up or get super depressed cause there in no burn or desire. I been the only one going to consistent therapy over the years...still trying to understand WHY am I attracted to this man like this, and no my husband. This the longest fairytale.
He is a great man, former military, owns his own home, builds things, works hard, does not do drink or do drugs, he cares so much about me. He even goes through this pain with me... it so sad. 😢 This hurts bad...we cant be together cause this society will have you feelings like your the worst person in the world...if you actually think you could be happier elsewhere. I stay because of my daughter.
Your daughter would probably rather see you be happy . She's going to internalize her parents marriage and see that as normal .