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This is all so true. There’s a part of us that is wired to believe we can’t survive without the family unit. While that might have been true when we were children, as adults we can step away from toxic family and realize that not only are we surviving *just fine*; we can look at all the manipulations of the narcissists from enough distance to truly get what a sick game they’re playing. My elderly mother is “cute” and people easily play into her narrative that she’s the darling and I’m the cold, distant daughter. There are lots of flying monkeys at her disposal. That’s fine. “You don’t know my mother like I do.”
“Letting people be wrong about you or a situation while keeping your peace and focus is the most misunderstood power move you will ever make.” - Morgan Richard Olivier
Absolutely , topped off with been bullied , ridiculed , used & abused in every-way even in adult hood 🥺 Oh the pain & trauma 😰 Yet I looked after her for 30yrs & still copping abuse , put downs , attacks , with no sign of appreciation ever , it was just expected of me , my job ! 😱 😓 I luv , have forgiven but the memories are so clearly vivid ! 🤦♀️ Sadly Luck of the draw I guess ! 💜
Mine lied I had power of attorney, wasn't I also the only one who figured it out when her doc finally signed the papers, came down to hauling her away with a Section 10, played my cards right I'm executrix and next of kin, only deal with my older brother about it, had to get public trustee involved, she's lucky getting 1/1 nursing day all day long as she's 86 and finally bedridden, safer for staff that way, I don't visit, visited enough!
I gave up on my family of origin and extended family all together. They seem to be all into gossip and it never ends. I am over it. Once in a while a flying monkey will check in and I usually just do the "crazy" act so so they go back and tell my birth mother that I am still crazy. It works like a charm. I never have to really deal with them. Small people talk about other people. Medium people talk about events. Large minded people talk about ideas and innovation.
The problem is they pretend to be open and concerned with your perspective, but then will invalidate and dismiss what you say, because they're more invested in believing the other person than you. The other person benefits them more than you. Then they'll use what you said against you and victimize themself. So you really can't open up to these people unless you have evidence that you're safe doing so.
Yes. There's 4 offspring in my family, two of us were the scapegoats (the first is 16 years older than me) and the other two are the golden children. One of the golden has tried to hear me out but his only response was - Why can't you just take his money? That's when it hit me,: the golden children don't even care about our parents anyway. He's talking to me just to kill time and he complies because parents gives them money......total mess that I don't need any part of.
Sometimes it's jealousy overriding good sense! My toxic folks enjoy siding with anyone besides me but get the very same people to contact me when they need support!
@@MartinaKing225Best thing is U take the money....use and save it for productive situations. Money is their way of show care and responsibility. By u not accepting it like the others...they take it as disrespect and it too much Ms Goody two-shoes and High Strung...😊 I took my parents extra money For years and finally had to hire a night nurse. It was an out of pocket expense and that money covered it and unexpected medical copays...and it's less given to Habitual ppl....
I didn't just go no contact with my narcissistic parents(who are divorced), but I went no contact with all my siblings and relatives that are in contact with them too because I know anything I say to them would be a source of gossip about me between them and my narcissistic parents. I burned all bridges back to the narcissists.
Same here, tossed a match over my shoulder, and BOOM! Game over. It takes time to realize the toxic network that has been orchestrated so they can all gossip about the scapegoat, but once you do....
Me too and 4 years have passed with a much better life! Best decision I ever made because it's the ONLY way to be free, have peace again and a chance at happiness.
I tried to open up to a friend about my narc mother and he immediately took her side before I could finish explaining. He's been programmed to believe that all mothers love their children.
Mmotherhood is way overrated. Even loving mothers are unconditional simply the way a soldier is unconditionally obedient and soulless in the mobilization to keep their own child alive at all costs, even to the world itself. It is a small jump from soulless mother narcissistic projection into the specie’s child’s personal benefit and the narcissistic mother turning on own child in that pattern once schizophrenically purely technically oriented and losing social orientation. I even would posit that a narcissist committing incest on own child does not see the child as own and thus not feel incestuous in that respect, but purely pedophile.
@@cutie3020 Mothers are by definition soulless. Even their unconditional love is a prerogative strength they obtain from the mother nature mandate of protecting their own children, capable of feeding them the formerly adorable pets of the couple and next door kids to that end. It is not coming from the heart, or at least not automatically concurrent with it. A narc becoming a mother must be a psychopathic situation in terms of sacrificing it all for herself through her children. Must be where you get these Munchausen syndrome by proxy which, however, even some weirdo advocates want to keep excusing in courts and what not, at the expense of the funding for the care for the victims.
I love the responses! Thanks! Former Flying Monkey here, with God's help! I was always making excuses and trying to repair my narcissist husband's rocking of the boat. Then not only did he tip it over, but as a pastor and psychiatrist friend said, "he put a hole in it and it's sinking." Cold water in my face and a wake up call for me! My husband forgot that I float like a cork.
This is my mother Carol H. from Jeffersonville, Indiana. I was the scapegoat of the family. She has brainwashed my siblings and turned them against me. The best method is to break away.
My grandfather, Don. C. from Henderson, Texas, did this. Lies backstabs, engages in two-faced, manipulative behavior, stole from his own grandchildren. I slowly went silent over a period of months. Flying monkeys were also cut off.
Jerry, on this Thanksgiving weekend (I'm in British Columbia, Canada) everything you mentioned in this video is why I now dread holidays with the family. My mother and her golden child son are both narcissists and I'm done playing the game. I interact with him like a co-worker and it drives my mother crazy. I've gone through years of therapy to no only improve myself but see clearly the damage that was done to me growing up in this environment. To anyone going through this, please stay strong and seek out safe and healthy friendships to see your true self, not what your sick family says about you.
Anyone going through this should go no contact, stay strong by walking away not continuing to engage in the toxicity. it doesn't get better. it takes strength to leave.
I handle everyone from the narc to the flying monkeys the same àfter years of confusion, trangulation, and robbing me of peace. They refuse to change, refuse accountability, and refuse to treat me with more respect, so I choose to just love them all from very far away.
My sister is in the process of divorcing her narcissist, abusive, emotional powder keg, man-baby husband after 25 yrs of marriage. He turned their daughters away from her by saying how mom destroyed their family. The 21yo daughter (who just got married herself) even said "i wish you stuck with the marriage even if you were miserable" smh. He's now recruited a flying monkey from his Church men's group (which he never wanted to attend while married) to help his divorce battle. He's an accountant who's believed all the lies about my sister and now he's trying to help him back out of his divorce arrangements. After my sister bent over backwards to appease him (and was days away from being homeless). Apparently even his own lawyer is fed up and told him "you're not being taken for a ride, this is THE LAW" lol.
@joannaquanttumphysics Because real love doesn't just turn off like a light switch. My family may be dysfunctional, but that doesn't mean I hate them. I just don't like their behavior or personality. So I do what's best for me until they are willing to change or get help, and if not, I still gotta protect my peace. Just curious, if you had a child that was a narcissist, would you hate him or her??
@jaysonb.6669 I'm so sorry your sister is going through that, and I do understand, I was married to a covert/golden child narc for a few years, and I was bullied by him & his mother the entire time, and I finally divorced after him after years of cheating, lying, gas lighting, manipulation, controlling behavior anger issues, abusing the finances and physically assaulted our oldest son when he was 18. And after everything we went through with him, he tried turning both of our kids against me, but it didn't work. My heart goes out to your sister from knowing that her own daughter wishes she had stayed in such a toxic environment for the sake of everyone else's feelings abd needs, but your sister did the right thing by getting out. And she just needs continued support and love from those who truly love her. The daughter is grieving the loss of having her dad around, and it's her way of scapegoating mom by lashing out at her, but she's only hurting herself. Hopefully one day, she'll see how much she's hurting her mom and change her heart towards her, but until then, smyour sister has a lot to deal with, narcs are difficult to deal with while married and when divorcing them. Having her ducks in a row is a good idea. But I wish you and your sister the best. Hope she's able to get through everything and comes out on the other side, knowing she did the right thing.
You can apply this family dynamic to church families, as well. Engagement in the social system is rampantly toxic. This said, there are acknowledged individuals who are not this way; yet, the system or group dominance is. Prayer meeting is a sanctified gossip session. Confidential material disclosed without permission of the person’s knowledge and often televised. So unethical. But, it’s the culture, so people do not step up to correct the injuries caused. Same principle applied because supply is needed to keep the meetings going.
This is so true! Don't consider a church group a safe place. Be careful about what you share and who you share it with. By all means participate but keep your boundaries. Sadly there are narcissists everywhere.
Such environments attract narcissists. If the environment does not have a way to keep them under control, the narcissists will drive out the good people and the whole thing will become toxic for everyone.
At earlier times in my twenties when I got the "Extended Family Bully Beatdown", this information was not available for me to be able to gauge who they were and what they were doing -- I know I'm not the only one in this boat, there are people even older than I am in it, and trying to do my best to be grateful that we have the information now as well as the opportunity to do the best we can w/the time we have left 💙💙💙
I don’t participate in triangulation and thus I am the victim of triangulation even more so. It’s caused me to be the target. But still I refuse to participate. You’d think a light bulb would go off in one of them like hey she’s a safe person etc… but unfortunately it hasn’t. I’m trying to rebuild my life and find happiness in other relationships outside of my extended family.
I used to defend the people she would try to gossip about to try to help her think more positively and I had no idea she was talking trash about me to those people and they were not defending me. They lapped it up and began defending her instead. It was so strange.
@@iamafairyqueen I have tried that too. And it just got worse. I tried to stop it by telling them I am tired of talking about people behind their back. And it didn’t change a thing. All I can do is be responsible for my behavior. It hurts a lot to know that I’m being downcast. There’s nothing I can do though. My mom went through this too and I didn’t see it back then. Now I see the whole picture clearly. My mom passed several years ago before I really saw the dynamics. It’s like my family has put me in my mom’s place now. I’m dealing with it by grey rocking and trying to get my life back.
@@iamafairyqueen It almost is like a spiritual pack reaction. My father told me of a situation when he was dating in his 20s during the sexual revolution so called (he already was successful then and women were very attracted to him), and he told me these polyamory camps were a complete wash and waste of time in neurosis and dramas. There were two women there competing for him, and when he tried to triangulate with the the one he liked on the other, it would not work. They invariably joined forces in gossip against him. Once he took his distances from both, they both started competing each other and fighting each other for him again. Told me these narcs outfits were the stupidest thing.
My father has always used triangulation but I only understood what it meant thanks to your videos and information I found online, without actually searching. I feel like it fell on me and it made sense of many events I didn't understand and let go. My father will always ask about me to someone close to me, even when I'm ill or there's something important. I never hear a how are you, or anything. It's the most painful thing especially cause I love him and I was very protective of him even as a child and when my parents divorces. But he never protected me. He always tells people please speak to my daughter I don't know how to talk to her, as if I was the strangest child in the world, and it was the case when I was very young. The memories only made sense to me recently and I'm in my forties and I feel so stupid and worthless. How can someone not even call his daughter when she's at the hospital? How can he tell everyone in the family or close to us all these lies and pretend to spend all his time worrying about his daughter? I hope I'll recover especially since he's old and does it more and the most important factor is that he's the most charming person to everyone but me.
Wow, that sounds just like my dad used to be. He didn’t call me when I was in the hospital either and blamed me for why I was in the hospital as if it made him look bad. It was truly horrible. I’m sorry for what I know you went through. I don’t think the pain and confusion ever leaves. They were sick and distorted people. The best you can do for yourself is to sever all ties and be done because I can promise you, he will just continue to hurt you going forward. He undermines you and gossip about you behind your back. It’s truly sickening what they do. You’re probably the scapegoat so his final blow will be to disinherit you. Prepare for it.
Wow, what you describe is so much like the strategies of domestic abusers! They do heartwarming things out in public to bolster their public image, them behave horribly in private. I'm sure you already know this, but not one speck of his behavior is your fault. Wishing you kinder, more truthful people around you going forward, you deserve that.❤❤
This describes my toxic ex-husband and his protégés (my ex-children, now in their mid-40s) 100 percent. All you can do with people like this is cut them loose. I jumped off the crazy train 10 years ago and never liked back. Immediately gone was their drama, meanness, manipulation, and the toxic monkeys that came along with them. Life instantly improved for the better the moment I decided to have nothing further to do with any of them and moved on with my life without them.
I noticed years ago how our mom causes discord among us. She told me she was leaving treasured family photos to me. I replied “tell my sister” and, of course she hasn’t. That was 20 years ago. Now she has promised my sister something that will cause conflict with our brother (mom hasn’t mentioned to him). She will be dead, and still causing chaos among us.
Yep that’s what they want, I’ve been no contact 7 years I want nothing from her even after death. She was always playing off my siblings and I, funny enough the others still do that, I’m the only one who seen it, called it and then got ousted, best thing that ever happened to me at 60😁
Mine used to do that. I found it better to detach from ever getting those promised treasures, whether it’s sentimental or financial. Just live like you’ll never see any of it again.
Scan them, restore/enhance them digitally, print them, distribute in the family. Tell her that HER photos will be thrown away if she tries to be a brat again. Joke aside, I hope you all communicate these things with each other to control the damage she causes.
My mother was a hoarder-not the ultimate messy type, but saving ridiculous stuff-bed sheets from the 60s( she passed in 2018 at age 101). She had a pair of red shoes from the 30s in original box. I have 5 old jewelry boxes of clip on earrings ( she refused to get her ears pierced in the 70s like EVERYONE ELSE!!! 🤣 Seriously, she did a lot of weird stuff to me and my 2 younger brothers, but at age 73, I really need to get past this crazy making. God Bless ALL of YOU. 🙏🏼🤍🦅
My mother always starts questioning the facts when I share a memory. It's like if she doesn't remember, it's not valid. I get offended and say, why isn't the fact that I'm sharing this, enough for it to be valid? I feel like an empty space or something, that my voice, memory, opinions have no adult worthwhile standing. I still believe this in my heart at 47. I want to stop explaining myself to her, to both my parents. To stop arguing and proving that I'm right. Or to stop sharing anything of value with them.
She's never going to stop doing this to you because it gives her the Narc fuel she craves at your expense. Go no contact for a better life. You deserve much better.
It took me a long time to realize my mother was a narcissist. A long time. Once I realized I went no contact but she ended up Turing my adult daughters into her flying monkeys. No my children are estranged from me, seeing me as the villain. I can’t express how angry it has made me as it has impacted my relationship with my grandchildren
I've been dealing with this kind of situation for years now. Every time I try to bond or build relationships with people in my family, A certain narcissistic close family member always runs behind my back, sabotaging and undermining my efforts. It's gotten so bad by now that most of my family has gone "No Contact" with me based on her conniving and slanderous attacks. She's managing to make any interactions I have with this family into toxic encounters, all while convincing them that she's the injured party, casting me as the villain.
I’m so sorry for you. I’ve lost my entire family system…it’s pitiful. Mother is almost 93 and still pulling her manipulations, it’s unbelievable. Even when she dies, I doubt my family will have the courage to reach out to me.
@spinnettdesigns Anytime flying monkeys do the dirty work for the narcissist, it is just a message to you that you're better off without them all. I cut off my narcissistic relative who ignites smear campaigns and all of her flying monkeys.
I thought i found a new family abroad, but also there the same dynamic. Its really a low self esteem problem and it is exhausting because the dont recognize human value.
Jerry the example responses are great because our first reaction is to defend ourselves. This keeps us in control and calm and emotionally mature, so thank you.
This is exactly what I have been living, even after my narcissist mother passed away. Flying monkeys. I have many. Thank you for this as it validates what I am dealing with.
I watch so many of these where I think ‘this doesn’t really apply in my case but sounds interesting’ and then I watch it and my jaw drops because it applies so much and I didn’t even know!
BIG SIS actually invited me to a dinner party of her friends to pitch a new bat shart story about my childhood. At age 70! It never ends. All the sibs are hip to her insanity. She will use anyone. No contact is so sweet. Peace at last.
I found you through no coincidence. You're so informative and are making me realise how my mum has ruined my life and damaged me mentally through her mentally destructive behavior. You are so compassionate and healing. Thank you for your insights, very helpful. ❤
Right now, Jerry Wise TH-cam channel is the only safe place for me. I go through the comments and my stress drops significantly. One of the flying monkeys tried to send a guy to get info. Had him flirting with me and what not. But, she used someone I already know is her personal monkey 😂😂😂😂 like ok, you can't even EVIL correctly anymore you idiot 😂😂😂 I was mad at first but I laugh now.
What about family that stays superficial, is not dependable and only meets for funerals. For example, tell a story with something negative that would demand a thoughtful or helpful reply. They would then instead talk about some farfetched story of a woman you never heard of but they are reminded by your story, without ever giving a thoughtful reply. It's like a social avoidance blueprint to their psychology where they always remain distant and conceited. Would like to hear about what this reminds you of in the future. It appears to be a shared trait which the nature of is elusive.
Some people need to stay superficial when there are huge longstanding interpersonal problems that they don't want to examine. I finally realized that all of my closest longtime friends can QUESTION their own beliefs and behaviors from time to time, rather than having these rigid, solidified longstanding beliefs. For me, narcissistic family is like a workplace where anyone who identifies a problem, questions a procedure, or voices a different belief is instantly devalued and asked to clear out their desk and leave, the same day. Only yes-people can stay, or those willing to stifle themselves and be silent. Big downside: will such a group be likely to identify and resolve problems? Doubtful.
Your timing is perfect. Please offer techniques on how to self sooth or help heal from the hurt that the Flying Monkeys inflict when they don't know the truth nor do they even ask for the other persons' side of the story, yet they continue to sworm and attack like a pack of Hyenas.
You’ve just described my family and my experience with them spot on! All twelve points are the exact script my family operates on, (I’m the youngest of 8), & your videos are so valuable & important in helping me understand & navigate the crazy & destabilizing behavior that courses through this family of mine. Thank you for what you share here! Most grateful.
This really hits home and explains everything for me. It finally became clear when a caretaker informed me about what was said at the dining table when I was not present. Just unbelievable what I had to go through……
GREAT video, Jerry. LOVE...your 'how to handle' tips and clarifications...!! Very NICE work... THANK YOU much for ALL...and from all of us...who are continuing our RECOVERY...and learning to AIM toward HEALTH and HEALTHIER...ways of Being and Relating (from our Truer Selves)...!!! ❤
I like the answers!!! Basically, if they choose to believe the narcissist, that's their choice to make. Why waste any energy trying to convince people whom have already made up their mind. I'll spend my time with those who are actually interested in the truth...
My mother does all of this. She has used my God parents for years to help defend her so her kids can't be heard over abuse issues. Who ever is saying anything about abuse is actually visited by the family members. Calls and constantly getting more and more people. My mom gets mad if she can't get the person to help her abuse her kids. Because she's a nurse she uses her position. She uses doctors and will try to get everyone at churches to come and interrupt your life. They constantly get people to talk to you about returning to the family. They also never give up.
As always, Jerry Wise makes me feel sane! His expertise on this difficult topic is stellar. I look forward to checking my inbox knowing soon another informative clip will be sitting there. It's such good information and advice. It's very validating.
Many narcissists say, "I won't help you. I will not ask for your help," when they are required to fulfill their duties. And when they need something they'd demand help they are unworthy of saying, "It is my right." They just want free food without contributing anything.
My son's wife has made me the scapegoat and it has been so painful - I have not seen him or my grandchildren in over 2 years - she made him choose her over me. She has spread lies and recruits flying monkeys that have attacked and blindsided me at family events. There are half-truths and gaslighting over petty grievances that she made up, there is triangulation and she works to charm people to be on her side - I am not believed. I am a single mom who worked really hard and gave up a lot to raise 3 children on my own - their dad was a malignant narcissist who financially abused us and is not in their lives via a court order - and we were all very close until she came into our family. And yes there is probably a pattern of my son marrying someone carrying on his father's patterns. There was never any respect for me from the start when she was dating my son. After the children were born, she began to target me and I had to watch everything I said and did because she would twist it around or make things up. I would be walking on eggshells whenever I spent time with them. She used the grandchildren to wield power. She demanded that I not text or speak to my own son independently - there is major control. She is also mean to my son and the children as well. I realize she is threatened by me and I don't know that it will ever change. She doesn't want them to love me. I miss my son and grandchildren terribly. There are times when I just sit and cry because there is nothing I can do. It is heartbreaking as my children have meant the world to me and I sacrificed so many things for them and worked to be a good and healthy parent. I have had to work to heal myself from all of the trauma, re-center myself and hold boundaries - meanwhile she would like nothing better than to turn all of my children against me. I am working to stay detached and out of fear for the loss of my family.
My heart goes out to you. I pray for you. I don’t know you, of course. But my heart aches about this. I pray God’s supernatural power intervene. Healing, deliverance and peace.
I was a middle kid. 3 older brothers and one older sisters. 1 younger brother and 2 younger sisters. My mother was always on my back, ince even telling be sll the people who prayed for me, as i almost died shortly after birth. Have heard that in large families one child is chosen as the bad one. My dad was a truck driver and i never was mistreated by him. My mother wouldn't cal ne Weasel or do anything when he was up and around. Her favorite was the brother only 17 months older than me. Then after my dad died at 60, i had already left home at 17. It was strange how after i got out of the hell that was my childhood, she calls me because my dad wanted to drive to Mississippi, 550 miles from where she and 3 siblings lived. He had ALS and she knew he couldn't safely drive, so her favorite son and another brother never seemed to want to help. So as soon as i get out of the city she calls me to come to the rescue. I only did it for my dads sake.
This is my mum. I've always forgiven her because she was a victim herself, but after all she doesn't want to live a better life. She's a master of triangulation, I'd actually been very confused for a very long time because she does care for outsiders and goes to extreme lenghts for their wellbeing. I realise this comes from lack of self esteem but hasn't stopped her from manipulating me and treating me as her puppet, regardless of my true desires and feelings. That's why I know now that I can only love her from a safe distance, same for all my narc family
I would also add that saying what they want to hear without actually doing it works.. I had some drunk/high guy pick a fight with me the other day.. It is dealing with the world as the world is..
My father in law would often send his flying monkeys to my home. One guy he enlisted was his church mechanic friend who lived a few streets down from me. Somehow he would always know when I was out working on my rig and stop by and tell me I didn’t know what I was doing.
He was distracting you trying to get you to mess up so they can say you are stupid. They only recruit stupid people. Doing things on your own doesn’t help their agenda.
@@marketingmasters3550 I’m finally just starting to connect all the dots. Part of me feels like I should have noticed them but then again why would anyone go through such crazy lengths to destroy someone.
High housing costs made things worse for millions of young adults who were raised by and live with narcissists. I want to live alone because I need to heal but I cannot afford it and I don't have the credit.
That’s been me my entire life I’m nearly 60 and married a man who is this but not in the loud chaotic way my family of origin were but his family are the passive aggressive all the time while mine let the masks slip more often. I know the statement of having all the trappings now I just have to put up with it and look after myself.
Oh my goodness, I was in a relationship with someone at my church. The church that I was a member of for 13 years and he did all of these tactics to turn many people against me who I’ve known and we’re friends with for years. It worked on many. I was at a loss of what to do but your explanation so on point
Just described my toxic family I was kicked out 2 years ago and my toxic ex came up destroyed my family and now take care of my elderly grandmother both her and my mom manipulate me play on my emotions and growing up in a toxic household is taking a toll me and I pray to god he heals this pain
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail. com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
"You better watch what you say" my narcissistic mother in law said to her own son. It opened his eyes towards her being a narcissist. All puzzle pieces fell into place. 😢 She threatened her own adult son 😧
This is correct i left a narc family over 12 years ago and the flying monkey's just keep coming i don't think it will ever stop. Just treat them the same way as the narc they are the next best thing anyway
Si es cierto yo pase por muchas cosas en mi infancia. Mi mamá me hizo la vida imposible tengo dos años que me aleje de ella porque siempre tenía en mente que ya había cambiado pero nunca fue así solo actuaba y me volvía lastimar y de maneras muy horribles. Sinceramente no sé cómo no me he quedado loca. Nadie nunca me creyó porque decían que las mamás son así. Me hicieron ver como una mentirosa se encargaron de decir que yo estaba loca cuando yo decía la verdad. Preferí mejor nunca hablar, pero todo lo que comunicas en este video es verdad.
Now I understand why the narcissist said I was stalking her. It was to play the victim and get the other girls to align with her. I've never understood why such a disrespectful and rude woman has any friends. These monkeys don't seem to have any objective interaction with me. And the managers believe the narcissist also.
Jerry , thank you for enlightening me and your unwavering honest help. Perhaps many people myself included ought not to have children. I got a vasectomy before any of that ( starting another dysfunctional family ). No regrets. Thx again .
I can only imagine how older generations suffered from narcissism and had no words to describe this behaviour nor solutions or community like we do on TH-cam. 😢 My God. My mom is a covert & malignant narcissistst, she takes after her mom. My grandmother was exactly like that & they exused jer behaviour saying she's old & losing touch with her mental state but ive always known she knew exactly what she was doing.
The flying monkeys are more dangerous bec the narcissist, in my family's case my mom, is so lazy and entitled that she will not move her ass or spend (even if "her money" came from us because she refuses to work) because the world owes her and it is our mission to repay. The enablers meanwhile - family, friends, pastors etc - gang up on you. I didn't realize this till 2 years ago, that I needed to cut off from all of them to heal. At 60 I'm finally at peace
My father is a people pleaser narcissistic. He has gadgets, the neighbors are constantly coming to the door because they don't want to spend money out of their own pockets. This has been going on for 10 years with various items. Whenever I say that people can spend money like him and buy themselves gadgets and no will need to ask us and bother us, "They are always our neighbors, of course they will want it, I ask them (he never asks because he takes everything for himself and people don't humiliate themselves in front of him, if he needs it he either takes it or he doesn't need it. But I always have to say no or politely lie to those who come to the door. I'm tired of it, it creates anxiety. He defends them, not me ,not even his pocket ! (Even they have houses , we don't have even little car but We help them !)
My NS told my GC brother that I'd gone bankrupt. She didn't mention the fact that she and my mother had both gone bankrupt right before I did. She also didn't mention that we'd all used the same atty. I heard about this 2nd hand from his GF, the amount of trash talking they engaged in.
I hate living next door to a bunch of drug addicts. All of this is facts and a huge yikes all the way around. My best wishes and support to everyone dealing with this ongoing issues.
My younger brother was the Golden child, an as we got older in our 20s he became the flying monkey. I put up with his shit for years and one day that was enough ,I said not a word and vanished .That was a long time ago and I'm better now more than ever !
A while back a flying monkey begged to help me while I was sick. For their own agenda. They preceded to tell me about another cousin, saying he was in a drug rehab. Come to find out he was a CNA and worked at a rehab hospital. I told my cousin, don't tell me another family member is a drug dealer and I find out he's a phamiicutucal rep. You gossip girl.
When I confronted my narc about about her verbal, physical and sexual abuse she thanked me for letting her know about my childhood. Gaslighting at its best!
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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This is all so true. There’s a part of us that is wired to believe we can’t survive without the family unit. While that might have been true when we were children, as adults we can step away from toxic family and realize that not only are we surviving *just fine*; we can look at all the manipulations of the narcissists from enough distance to truly get what a sick game they’re playing. My elderly mother is “cute” and people easily play into her narrative that she’s the darling and I’m the cold, distant daughter. There are lots of flying monkeys at her disposal. That’s fine. “You don’t know my mother like I do.”
“Letting people be wrong about you or a situation while keeping your peace and focus is the most misunderstood power move you will ever make.”
- Morgan Richard Olivier
Absolutely , topped off with been bullied , ridiculed , used & abused in every-way even in adult hood 🥺
Oh the pain & trauma 😰
Yet I looked after her for 30yrs & still copping abuse , put downs , attacks , with no sign of appreciation ever , it was just expected of me , my job ! 😱 😓
I luv , have forgiven but the memories are so clearly vivid ! 🤦♀️
Sadly Luck of the draw I guess !
💜
Mine lied I had power of attorney, wasn't I also the only one who figured it out when her doc finally signed the papers, came down to hauling her away with a Section 10, played my cards right I'm executrix and next of kin, only deal with my older brother about it, had to get public trustee involved, she's lucky getting 1/1 nursing day all day long as she's 86 and finally bedridden, safer for staff that way, I don't visit, visited enough!
what you on about ive had to do it all my life always had to. not sure what the difference is now they are no longer in my life by choice
Please remember the nuclear and extended family no longer exists. The definition of "family" is evolving!
I gave up on my family of origin and extended family all together. They seem to be all into gossip and it never ends. I am over it. Once in a while a flying monkey will check in and I usually just do the "crazy" act so so they go back and tell my birth mother that I am still crazy. It works like a charm. I never have to really deal with them. Small people talk about other people. Medium people talk about events. Large minded people talk about ideas and innovation.
"If your true motive was to heal our relationship, then you would have been interested in my perspective before forming your own opinions."
Good answer! Thank you.
The problem is they pretend to be open and concerned with your perspective, but then will invalidate and dismiss what you say, because they're more invested in believing the other person than you. The other person benefits them more than you. Then they'll use what you said against you and victimize themself. So you really can't open up to these people unless you have evidence that you're safe doing so.
Yes that’s the whole truth and it’s what I went through a couple of days ago. Thank for your constructiveness.
Yes. There's 4 offspring in my family, two of us were the scapegoats (the first is 16 years older than me) and the other two are the golden children. One of the golden has tried to hear me out but his only response was - Why can't you just take his money?
That's when it hit me,: the golden children don't even care about our parents anyway. He's talking to me just to kill time and he complies because parents gives them money......total mess that I don't need any part of.
Sometimes it's jealousy overriding good sense! My toxic folks enjoy siding with anyone besides me but get the very same people to contact me when they need support!
@@MartinaKing225Best thing is U take the money....use and save it for productive situations. Money is their way of show care and responsibility. By u not accepting it like the others...they take it as disrespect and it too much Ms Goody two-shoes and High Strung...😊 I took my parents extra money For years and finally had to hire a night nurse. It was an out of pocket expense and that money covered it and unexpected medical copays...and it's less given to Habitual ppl....
@@DivyaRajan-l3hThe Cycle of usage.... Divorce that Role and Award for Best Actor and Nominee in Dysfunctional Drama!
Brilliant & helpful podcast. These flying monkeys still attack even after years of No Contact.
I didn't just go no contact with my narcissistic parents(who are divorced), but I went no contact with all my siblings and relatives that are in contact with them too because I know anything I say to them would be a source of gossip about me between them and my narcissistic parents. I burned all bridges back to the narcissists.
Same here, tossed a match over my shoulder, and BOOM! Game over. It takes time to realize the toxic network that has been orchestrated so they can all gossip about the scapegoat, but once you do....
The only way to go! Much love to you on your journey ❤
Me too and 4 years have passed with a much better life! Best decision I ever made because it's the ONLY way to be free, have peace again and a chance at happiness.
My parents have been doing this for decades and it is truly heartbreaking and traumatizing 😢
I tried to open up to a friend about my narc mother and he immediately took her side before I could finish explaining. He's been programmed to believe that all mothers love their children.
Mmotherhood is way overrated. Even loving mothers are unconditional simply the way a soldier is unconditionally obedient and soulless in the mobilization to keep their own child alive at all costs, even to the world itself. It is a small jump from soulless mother narcissistic projection into the specie’s child’s personal benefit and the narcissistic mother turning on own child in that pattern once schizophrenically purely technically oriented and losing social orientation. I even would posit that a narcissist committing incest on own child does not see the child as own and thus not feel incestuous in that respect, but purely pedophile.
I've witnessed that - you're right.
@@cutie3020 Mothers are by definition soulless. Even their unconditional love is a prerogative strength they obtain from the mother nature mandate of protecting their own children, capable of feeding them the formerly adorable pets of the couple and next door kids to that end. It is not coming from the heart, or at least not automatically concurrent with it. A narc becoming a mother must be a psychopathic situation in terms of sacrificing it all for herself through her children. Must be where you get these Munchausen syndrome by proxy which, however, even some weirdo advocates want to keep excusing in courts and what not, at the expense of the funding for the care for the victims.
I love the responses! Thanks! Former Flying Monkey here, with God's help! I was always making excuses and trying to repair my narcissist husband's rocking of the boat. Then not only did he tip it over, but as a pastor and psychiatrist friend said, "he put a hole in it and it's sinking." Cold water in my face and a wake up call for me! My husband forgot that I float like a cork.
This is my mother Carol H. from Jeffersonville, Indiana. I was the scapegoat of the family. She has brainwashed my siblings and turned them against me. The best method is to break away.
My grandfather, Don. C. from Henderson, Texas, did this. Lies backstabs, engages in two-faced, manipulative behavior, stole from his own grandchildren. I slowly went silent over a period of months. Flying monkeys were also cut off.
Jerry, on this Thanksgiving weekend (I'm in British Columbia, Canada) everything you mentioned in this video is why I now dread holidays with the family. My mother and her golden child son are both narcissists and I'm done playing the game. I interact with him like a co-worker and it drives my mother crazy. I've gone through years of therapy to no only improve myself but see clearly the damage that was done to me growing up in this environment. To anyone going through this, please stay strong and seek out safe and healthy friendships to see your true self, not what your sick family says about you.
Anyone going through this should go no contact, stay strong by walking away not continuing to engage in the toxicity. it doesn't get better. it takes strength to leave.
Hi from a fellow British Columbian . Nice to know we're not alone. Hope it wasn't too awful.
I handle everyone from the narc to the flying monkeys the same àfter years of confusion, trangulation, and robbing me of peace. They refuse to change, refuse accountability, and refuse to treat me with more respect, so I choose to just love them all from very far away.
They most likely are in a cult so if you let them know they can start to pick up their own pieces. Some are too stupid to know.
My sister is in the process of divorcing her narcissist, abusive, emotional powder keg, man-baby husband after 25 yrs of marriage. He turned their daughters away from her by saying how mom destroyed their family. The 21yo daughter (who just got married herself) even said "i wish you stuck with the marriage even if you were miserable" smh. He's now recruited a flying monkey from his Church men's group (which he never wanted to attend while married) to help his divorce battle. He's an accountant who's believed all the lies about my sister and now he's trying to help him back out of his divorce arrangements. After my sister bent over backwards to appease him (and was days away from being homeless). Apparently even his own lawyer is fed up and told him "you're not being taken for a ride, this is THE LAW" lol.
@@jaysonb.6669
@joannaquanttumphysics
Because real love doesn't just turn off like a light switch. My family may be dysfunctional, but that doesn't mean I hate them. I just don't like their behavior or personality. So I do what's best for me until they are willing to change or get help, and if not, I still gotta protect my peace.
Just curious, if you had a child that was a narcissist, would you hate him or her??
@jaysonb.6669
I'm so sorry your sister is going through that, and I do understand, I was married to a covert/golden child narc for a few years, and I was bullied by him & his mother the entire time, and I finally divorced after him after years of cheating, lying, gas lighting, manipulation, controlling behavior anger issues, abusing the finances and physically assaulted our oldest son when he was 18. And after everything we went through with him, he tried turning both of our kids against me, but it didn't work. My heart goes out to your sister from knowing that her own daughter wishes she had stayed in such a toxic environment for the sake of everyone else's feelings abd needs, but your sister did the right thing by getting out. And she just needs continued support and love from those who truly love her. The daughter is grieving the loss of having her dad around, and it's her way of scapegoating mom by lashing out at her, but she's only hurting herself. Hopefully one day, she'll see how much she's hurting her mom and change her heart towards her, but until then, smyour sister has a lot to deal with, narcs are difficult to deal with while married and when divorcing them. Having her ducks in a row is a good idea. But I wish you and your sister the best. Hope she's able to get through everything and comes out on the other side, knowing she did the right thing.
You can apply this family dynamic to church families, as well. Engagement in the social system is rampantly toxic. This said, there are acknowledged individuals who are not this way; yet, the system or group dominance is. Prayer meeting is a sanctified gossip session. Confidential material disclosed without permission of the person’s knowledge and often televised. So unethical. But, it’s the culture, so people do not step up to correct the injuries caused. Same principle applied because supply is needed to keep the meetings going.
This is so true! Don't consider a church group a safe place. Be careful about what you share and who you share it with. By all means participate but keep your boundaries. Sadly there are narcissists everywhere.
Such environments attract narcissists. If the environment does not have a way to keep them under control, the narcissists will drive out the good people and the whole thing will become toxic for everyone.
Churches are infiltrated from top to bottom. Only thing left is to worship god, freedom, guns and the CONSTITUTION.
Yep!!!!!!! 100 procent yup!!!
I'm a Christian, but I don't go to a building where a bunch of narcissists and their flying monkeys like to play Christian.
At earlier times in my twenties when I got the "Extended Family Bully Beatdown", this information was not available for me to be able to gauge who they were and what they were doing -- I know I'm not the only one in this boat, there are people even older than I am in it, and trying to do my best to be grateful that we have the information now as well as the opportunity to do the best we can w/the time we have left 💙💙💙
The story of my mother and brothers against me . . . no contact!
Same gone not contact, they are serial killers, the kill family members for money
💯
GOOD CHOICE.
I don’t participate in triangulation and thus I am the victim of triangulation even more so. It’s caused me to be the target. But still I refuse to participate. You’d think a light bulb would go off in one of them like hey she’s a safe person etc… but unfortunately it hasn’t. I’m trying to rebuild my life and find happiness in other relationships outside of my extended family.
Right there with you❤❤❤
I used to defend the people she would try to gossip about to try to help her think more positively and I had no idea she was talking trash about me to those people and they were not defending me. They lapped it up and began defending her instead. It was so strange.
@@iamafairyqueen I have tried that too. And it just got worse. I tried to stop it by telling them I am tired of talking about people behind their back. And it didn’t change a thing. All I can do is be responsible for my behavior. It hurts a lot to know that I’m being downcast. There’s nothing I can do though. My mom went through this too and I didn’t see it back then. Now I see the whole picture clearly. My mom passed several years ago before I really saw the dynamics. It’s like my family has put me in my mom’s place now. I’m dealing with it by grey rocking and trying to get my life back.
@@iamafairyqueen It almost is like a spiritual pack reaction. My father told me of a situation when he was dating in his 20s during the sexual revolution so called (he already was successful then and women were very attracted to him), and he told me these polyamory camps were a complete wash and waste of time in neurosis and dramas. There were two women there competing for him, and when he tried to triangulate with the the one he liked on the other, it would not work. They invariably joined forces in gossip against him. Once he took his distances from both, they both started competing each other and fighting each other for him again. Told me these narcs outfits were the stupidest thing.
💯 accurate. Thank you for the examples of phrases to use for holding boundaries with the monkeys.
Glad it was helpful!
My father has always used triangulation but I only understood what it meant thanks to your videos and information I found online, without actually searching. I feel like it fell on me and it made sense of many events I didn't understand and let go. My father will always ask about me to someone close to me, even when I'm ill or there's something important. I never hear a how are you, or anything. It's the most painful thing especially cause I love him and I was very protective of him even as a child and when my parents divorces. But he never protected me. He always tells people please speak to my daughter I don't know how to talk to her, as if I was the strangest child in the world, and it was the case when I was very young. The memories only made sense to me recently and I'm in my forties and I feel so stupid and worthless. How can someone not even call his daughter when she's at the hospital? How can he tell everyone in the family or close to us all these lies and pretend to spend all his time worrying about his daughter? I hope I'll recover especially since he's old and does it more and the most important factor is that he's the most charming person to everyone but me.
Wow, that sounds just like my dad used to be. He didn’t call me when I was in the hospital either and blamed me for why I was in the hospital as if it made him look bad. It was truly horrible. I’m sorry for what I know you went through. I don’t think the pain and confusion ever leaves. They were sick and distorted people. The best you can do for yourself is to sever all ties and be done because I can promise you, he will just continue to hurt you going forward. He undermines you and gossip about you behind your back. It’s truly sickening what they do. You’re probably the scapegoat so his final blow will be to disinherit you. Prepare for it.
Wow, what you describe is so much like the strategies of domestic abusers! They do heartwarming things out in public to bolster their public image, them behave horribly in private. I'm sure you already know this, but not one speck of his behavior is your fault. Wishing you kinder, more truthful people around you going forward, you deserve that.❤❤
This describes my toxic ex-husband and his protégés (my ex-children, now in their mid-40s) 100 percent. All you can do with people like this is cut them loose. I jumped off the crazy train 10 years ago and never liked back. Immediately gone was their drama, meanness, manipulation, and the toxic monkeys that came along with them. Life instantly improved for the better the moment I decided to have nothing further to do with any of them and moved on with my life without them.
I noticed years ago how our mom causes discord among us. She told me she was leaving treasured family photos to me. I replied “tell my sister” and, of course she hasn’t. That was 20 years ago. Now she has promised my sister something that will cause conflict with our brother (mom hasn’t mentioned to him). She will be dead, and still causing chaos among us.
Yep that’s what they want, I’ve been no contact 7 years I want nothing from her even after death. She was always playing off my siblings and I, funny enough the others still do that, I’m the only one who seen it, called it and then got ousted, best thing that ever happened to me at 60😁
Mine used to do that. I found it better to detach from ever getting those promised treasures, whether it’s sentimental or financial. Just live like you’ll never see any of it again.
Copies, make copies if the photos.
Scan them, restore/enhance them digitally, print them, distribute in the family.
Tell her that HER photos will be thrown away if she tries to be a brat again.
Joke aside, I hope you all communicate these things with each other to control the damage she causes.
My mother was a hoarder-not the ultimate messy type, but saving ridiculous stuff-bed sheets from the 60s( she passed in 2018 at age 101). She had a pair of red shoes from the 30s in original box. I have 5 old jewelry boxes of clip on earrings ( she refused to get her ears pierced in the 70s like EVERYONE ELSE!!! 🤣
Seriously, she did a lot of weird stuff to me and my 2 younger brothers, but at age 73, I really need to get past this crazy making. God Bless ALL of YOU. 🙏🏼🤍🦅
My mother always starts questioning the facts when I share a memory. It's like if she doesn't remember, it's not valid. I get offended and say, why isn't the fact that I'm sharing this, enough for it to be valid? I feel like an empty space or something, that my voice, memory, opinions have no adult worthwhile standing. I still believe this in my heart at 47. I want to stop explaining myself to her, to both my parents. To stop arguing and proving that I'm right. Or to stop sharing anything of value with them.
She's never going to stop doing this to you because it gives her the Narc fuel she craves at your expense. Go no contact for a better life. You deserve much better.
It took me a long time to realize my mother was a narcissist. A long time. Once I realized I went no contact but she ended up Turing my adult daughters into her flying monkeys. No my children are estranged from me, seeing me as the villain. I can’t express how angry it has made me as it has impacted my relationship with my grandchildren
Narcissistic Families: How They Recruit and Support Gang Stalking Monkeys (and How to Handle Them)
I've been dealing with this kind of situation for years now. Every time I try to bond or build relationships with people in my family, A certain narcissistic close family member always runs behind my back, sabotaging and undermining my efforts. It's gotten so bad by now that most of my family has gone "No Contact" with me based on her conniving and slanderous attacks. She's managing to make any interactions I have with this family into toxic encounters, all while convincing them that she's the injured party, casting me as the villain.
I’m so sorry for you.
I’ve lost my entire family system…it’s pitiful.
Mother is almost 93 and still pulling her manipulations, it’s unbelievable.
Even when she dies, I doubt my family will have the courage to reach out to me.
@@spinnettdesigns Thanks so much for your kind words. I'm sorry for the similar suffering you've been through.
@spinnettdesigns Anytime flying monkeys do the dirty work for the narcissist, it is just a message to you that you're better off without them all. I cut off my narcissistic relative who ignites smear campaigns and all of her flying monkeys.
@@texan903 awful but so true
What’s done in the dark surely will be exposed to the light.
I thought i found a new family abroad, but also there the same dynamic. Its really a low self esteem problem and it is exhausting because the dont recognize human value.
Thank you Mr Wise. Your words mean so much to me. Greetings from the Netherlands.
Truth! Absolute Truth.
Jerry the example responses are great because our first reaction is to defend ourselves. This keeps us in control and calm and emotionally mature, so thank you.
This is exactly what I have been living, even after my narcissist mother passed away. Flying monkeys. I have many. Thank you for this as it validates what I am dealing with.
I watch so many of these where I think ‘this doesn’t really apply in my case but sounds interesting’ and then I watch it and my jaw drops because it applies so much and I didn’t even know!
BIG SIS actually invited me to a dinner party of her friends to pitch a new bat shart story about my childhood. At age 70! It never ends. All the sibs are hip to her insanity. She will use anyone. No contact is so sweet. Peace at last.
They are just much nicer to potential flying monkeys. They'll be genuinely helpful and kind to them, just so that no-one will believe the victim.
Exactly!!! Completely different persona
Thank you for this channel. The advice here is a lifeline to sanity!
You are so welcome
I found you through no coincidence. You're so informative and are making me realise how my mum has ruined my life and damaged me mentally through her mentally destructive behavior. You are so compassionate and healing. Thank you for your insights, very helpful. ❤
Ah, yes! We call that the "Martyr" complex here in the Philippines!
Right now, Jerry Wise TH-cam channel is the only safe place for me. I go through the comments and my stress drops significantly.
One of the flying monkeys tried to send a guy to get info. Had him flirting with me and what not. But, she used someone I already know is her personal monkey 😂😂😂😂 like ok, you can't even EVIL correctly anymore you idiot 😂😂😂 I was mad at first but I laugh now.
What about family that stays superficial, is not dependable and only meets for funerals. For example, tell a story with something negative that would demand a thoughtful or helpful reply. They would then instead talk about some farfetched story of a woman you never heard of but they are reminded by your story, without ever giving a thoughtful reply. It's like a social avoidance blueprint to their psychology where they always remain distant and conceited. Would like to hear about what this reminds you of in the future. It appears to be a shared trait which the nature of is elusive.
Some people need to stay superficial when there are huge longstanding interpersonal problems that they don't want to examine. I finally realized that all of my closest longtime friends can QUESTION their own beliefs and behaviors from time to time, rather than having these rigid, solidified longstanding beliefs. For me, narcissistic family is like a workplace where anyone who identifies a problem, questions a procedure, or voices a different belief is instantly devalued and asked to clear out their desk and leave, the same day. Only yes-people can stay, or those willing to stifle themselves and be silent. Big downside: will such a group be likely to identify and resolve problems? Doubtful.
Be Still and know, Thank you Jerry 🌿
It's amazing how a lot of this can be used as information on people who are narcissist's out side of family members or parents.
That's his way of showing love, they say
He shows love his own way
I say that's an image of love
Because love shows love love's way
Your timing is perfect. Please offer techniques on how to self sooth or help heal from the hurt that the Flying Monkeys inflict when they don't know the truth nor do they even ask for the other persons' side of the story, yet they continue to sworm and attack like a pack of Hyenas.
I also think of them as hyenas, but some degree of utter stupidity is meant to be a individual characteristic of flying monkeys
Isn't it, I don't imagine myself doing all that nonsense
Nor do I. I truly don't understand their thought process of their Hyena actions. It's absolutely foreign & senseless to me.
Your videos get me to remember the underlying things that shape all this stuff very quickly. Thank you.
You’ve just described my family and my experience with them spot on! All twelve points are the exact script my family operates on, (I’m the youngest of 8), & your videos are so valuable & important in helping me understand & navigate the crazy & destabilizing behavior that courses through this family of mine. Thank you for what you share here! Most grateful.
This really hits home and explains everything for me. It finally became clear when a caretaker informed me about what was said at the dining table when I was not present. Just unbelievable what I had to go through……
GREAT video, Jerry. LOVE...your 'how to handle' tips and clarifications...!! Very NICE work... THANK YOU much for ALL...and from all of us...who are continuing our RECOVERY...and learning to AIM toward HEALTH and HEALTHIER...ways of Being and Relating (from our Truer Selves)...!!! ❤
Thank you, Jerry.
That was amazing, thank you. I'm dealing, or learning to deal, with a Flying Monkey relative
You are so welcome
It is so sad when someone you love gets recruited ...as you retreat from the narcissist.
I like the answers!!! Basically, if they choose to believe the narcissist, that's their choice to make. Why waste any energy trying to convince people whom have already made up their mind. I'll spend my time with those who are actually interested in the truth...
My mother does all of this. She has used my God parents for years to help defend her so her kids can't be heard over abuse issues. Who ever is saying anything about abuse is actually visited by the family members. Calls and constantly getting more and more people. My mom gets mad if she can't get the person to help her abuse her kids. Because she's a nurse she uses her position. She uses doctors and will try to get everyone at churches to come and interrupt your life. They constantly get people to talk to you about returning to the family. They also never give up.
As always, Jerry Wise makes me feel sane! His expertise on this difficult topic is stellar. I look forward to checking my inbox knowing soon another informative clip will be sitting there. It's such good information and advice. It's very validating.
All is true people be so blind side to everything nobody will never know your side grow up in this mess I understand is crazy going through this mess.
Many narcissists say, "I won't help you. I will not ask for your help," when they are required to fulfill their duties. And when they need something they'd demand help they are unworthy of saying, "It is my right." They just want free food without contributing anything.
My son's wife has made me the scapegoat and it has been so painful - I have not seen him or my grandchildren in over 2 years - she made him choose her over me. She has spread lies and recruits flying monkeys that have attacked and blindsided me at family events. There are half-truths and gaslighting over petty grievances that she made up, there is triangulation and she works to charm people to be on her side - I am not believed. I am a single mom who worked really hard and gave up a lot to raise 3 children on my own - their dad was a malignant narcissist who financially abused us and is not in their lives via a court order - and we were all very close until she came into our family. And yes there is probably a pattern of my son marrying someone carrying on his father's patterns.
There was never any respect for me from the start when she was dating my son. After the children were born, she began to target me and I had to watch everything I said and did because she would twist it around or make things up. I would be walking on eggshells whenever I spent time with them. She used the grandchildren to wield power. She demanded that I not text or speak to my own son independently - there is major control. She is also mean to my son and the children as well. I realize she is threatened by me and I don't know that it will ever change. She doesn't want them to love me. I miss my son and grandchildren terribly. There are times when I just sit and cry because there is nothing I can do. It is heartbreaking as my children have meant the world to me and I sacrificed so many things for them and worked to be a good and healthy parent.
I have had to work to heal myself from all of the trauma, re-center myself and hold boundaries - meanwhile she would like nothing better than to turn all of my children against me. I am working to stay detached and out of fear for the loss of my family.
My heart goes out to you. I pray for you. I don’t know you, of course. But my heart aches about this. I pray God’s supernatural power intervene. Healing, deliverance and peace.
@@nb2105 thank you for your kind words.
@@laurenjohnson9607 no problem.😊
resonates, much appreciated Jerry for your insights as always.
I was a middle kid. 3 older brothers and one older sisters. 1 younger brother and 2 younger sisters.
My mother was always on my back, ince even telling be sll the people who prayed for me, as i almost died shortly after birth.
Have heard that in large families one child is chosen as the bad one.
My dad was a truck driver and i never was mistreated by him. My mother wouldn't cal ne Weasel or do anything when he was up and around.
Her favorite was the brother only 17 months older than me.
Then after my dad died at 60, i had already left home at 17.
It was strange how after i got out of the hell that was my childhood, she calls me because my dad wanted to drive to Mississippi, 550 miles from where she and 3 siblings lived.
He had ALS and she knew he couldn't safely drive, so her favorite son and another brother never seemed to want to help.
So as soon as i get out of the city she calls me to come to the rescue.
I only did it for my dads sake.
Smh Story of my Life 🤦🏿♂️🤨😒 Talk HEAVY 💪🏿 Jerry
This is my mum. I've always forgiven her because she was a victim herself, but after all she doesn't want to live a better life. She's a master of triangulation, I'd actually been very confused for a very long time because she does care for outsiders and goes to extreme lenghts for their wellbeing. I realise this comes from lack of self esteem but hasn't stopped her from manipulating me and treating me as her puppet, regardless of my true desires and feelings. That's why I know now that I can only love her from a safe distance, same for all my narc family
I would also add that saying what they want to hear without actually doing it works.. I had some drunk/high guy pick a fight with me the other day.. It is dealing with the world as the world is..
Man you nailed my situation to a tee!!!!! Thank You for yor insight and strategies.
My father in law would often send his flying monkeys to my home. One guy he enlisted was his church mechanic friend who lived a few streets down from me. Somehow he would always know when I was out working on my rig and stop by and tell me I didn’t know what I was doing.
He was distracting you trying to get you to mess up so they can say you are stupid. They only recruit stupid people. Doing things on your own doesn’t help their agenda.
@@marketingmasters3550 I’m finally just starting to connect all the dots. Part of me feels like I should have noticed them but then again why would anyone go through such crazy lengths to destroy someone.
High housing costs made things worse for millions of young adults who were raised by and live with narcissists. I want to live alone because I need to heal but I cannot afford it and I don't have the credit.
That’s been me my entire life I’m nearly 60 and married a man who is this but not in the loud chaotic way my family of origin were but his family are the passive aggressive all the time while mine let the masks slip more often. I know the statement of having all the trappings now I just have to put up with it and look after myself.
The problem is psychopath family members who attack secretly. Psychopaths never stop.
Oh my goodness, I was in a relationship with someone at my church. The church that I was a member of for 13 years and he did all of these tactics to turn many people against me who I’ve known and we’re friends with for years. It worked on many. I was at a loss of what to do but your explanation so on point
Just described my toxic family I was kicked out 2 years ago and my toxic ex came up destroyed my family and now take care of my elderly grandmother both her and my mom manipulate me play on my emotions and growing up in a toxic household is taking a toll me and I pray to god he heals this pain
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail. com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
"You better watch what you say" my narcissistic mother in law said to her own son. It opened his eyes towards her being a narcissist. All puzzle pieces fell into place. 😢 She threatened her own adult son 😧
My first and second mother did this too.
@@monicaperez2843 I am sorry. It shouldn't be that way. 🥺
Thank you Jerry 🙏
This is correct i left a narc family over 12 years ago and the flying monkey's just keep coming i don't think it will ever stop. Just treat them the same way as the narc they are the next best thing anyway
Si es cierto yo pase por muchas cosas en mi infancia. Mi mamá me hizo la vida imposible tengo dos años que me aleje de ella porque siempre tenía en mente que ya había cambiado pero nunca fue así solo actuaba y me volvía lastimar y de maneras muy horribles. Sinceramente no sé cómo no me he quedado loca. Nadie nunca me creyó porque decían que las mamás son así. Me hicieron ver como una mentirosa se encargaron de decir que yo estaba loca cuando yo decía la verdad. Preferí mejor nunca hablar, pero todo lo que comunicas en este video es verdad.
Now I understand why the narcissist said I was stalking her. It was to play the victim and get the other girls to align with her. I've never understood why such a disrespectful and rude woman has any friends. These monkeys don't seem to have any objective interaction with me. And the managers believe the narcissist also.
Thank you very much Dr. Wise for another brilliant video! This just might be an all-time favorite!😊
Glad you enjoyed it!
Spot on. Thank you 🙏
You are so welcome
You are accurate. Everything that you describe is my mother. People think narcissists are male, but no narcissists may be women.
My father does all these
Jerry , thank you for enlightening me and your unwavering honest help. Perhaps many people myself included ought not to have children. I got a vasectomy before any of that ( starting another dysfunctional family ). No regrets. Thx again .
I can only imagine how older generations suffered from narcissism and had no words to describe this behaviour nor solutions or community like we do on TH-cam. 😢 My God.
My mom is a covert & malignant narcissistst, she takes after her mom. My grandmother was exactly like that & they exused jer behaviour saying she's old & losing touch with her mental state but ive always known she knew exactly what she was doing.
Thank you for giving us the formula. It's hard to articulate the process when you are enveloped in such 🐎 💩.
The flying monkeys are more dangerous bec the narcissist, in my family's case my mom, is so lazy and entitled that she will not move her ass or spend (even if "her money" came from us because she refuses to work) because the world owes her and it is our mission to repay. The enablers meanwhile - family, friends, pastors etc - gang up on you. I didn't realize this till 2 years ago, that I needed to cut off from all of them to heal. At 60 I'm finally at peace
My father is a people pleaser narcissistic. He has gadgets, the neighbors are constantly coming to the door because they don't want to spend money out of their own pockets. This has been going on for 10 years with various items. Whenever I say that people can spend money like him and buy themselves gadgets and no will need to ask us and bother us, "They are always our neighbors, of course they will want it, I ask them (he never asks because he takes everything for himself and people don't humiliate themselves in front of him, if he needs it he either takes it or he doesn't need it. But I always have to say no or politely lie to those who come to the door. I'm tired of it, it creates anxiety. He defends them, not me ,not even his pocket ! (Even they have houses , we don't have even little car but We help them !)
A relative married a bully. One of the children is picked on and is her scapegoat, he has become the scapegoat goat of her family
My NS told my GC brother that I'd gone bankrupt. She didn't mention the fact that she and my mother had both gone bankrupt right before I did. She also didn't mention that we'd all used the same atty. I heard about this 2nd hand from his GF, the amount of trash talking they engaged in.
Thank you Sir.
Respect and wishes from Lahore Pakistan.
Thank you Dr. Wise.
I will not let anybody into my life here I live in my hometown. No way. I have no friends and I dont care! I like beeing a loner!
I hate living next door to a bunch of drug addicts.
All of this is facts and a huge yikes all the way around. My best wishes and support to everyone dealing with this ongoing issues.
For 45 years everyone I knew was a flying monkey. Unknown to me
❤Thank you ❤
What does Being Human have to be so awful and all about survival
thankyou 🙏 🌹 ♥️ 🕊 🙏
My Dad and his flying monkeys. I could write a book on this one.
My younger brother was the Golden child, an as we got older in our 20s he became the flying monkey. I put up with his shit for years and one day that was enough ,I said not a word and vanished .That was a long time ago and I'm better now more than ever !
A while back a flying monkey begged to help me while I was sick. For their own agenda. They preceded to tell me about another cousin, saying he was in a drug rehab. Come to find out he was a CNA and worked at a rehab hospital. I told my cousin, don't tell me another family member is a drug dealer and I find out he's a phamiicutucal rep. You gossip girl.
My sister in law is a flying monkey. My brother has told her so many half truths and downright lies.
❤❤❤
🙏
These are the same techniques that some criminals use to gain power over those they want to pillage and dominate. Thank you
When I confronted my narc about about her verbal, physical and sexual abuse she thanked me for letting her know about my childhood. Gaslighting at its best!
Thank you for sharing this! ❤
You're welcome!