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every single adhder seems to carry feelings of regret when it comes to relationships. I wish I could have started my treatment before my breakup. I wish I could go back in time, but there's nothing I can do. The only thing that lies ahead of us is the present. It's painful and exhausting, but we are capable of love.
I, someone with adhd, fell in love with someone else, also with adhd, as the relationship went on it was exactly as he said, i built her up until i got scared she didnt need me anymore, that fear made me lose her and i will always regret my mistakes.
I’m 62, never aware that I could come into this category, until a friend introduced me to a site about ADHD. I always knew or felt different, I struggled in school etc,etc.. exactly the same as this video. In one respect I’m happier knowing that I’m not alone, as I felt so alone for far too long, never accepted etc. thank you for sharing this, spot on.
It's not simply a choice of finding out they have ADHD and deciding to stay or go, he and his family concealed his diagnosis for 3 years and he had no patience for programs. At the beginning of the relationship I was a very strong person, I didn't need 'building-up', I wanted him to stop breaking me down, killing me softly with his words. 5 years of put downs and stand-over agression later and I was no longer me. I tried going to the gym to feel good about myself, it threatened him more, no reassurance given helped, he just kept threatening to cheat on me if I went. There is little resources out there for the partner to recharge from burn out. Your compassion runs out, when the empathy is not reciprocated. I watch ADHD videos after our breakup years still. Yet, I doubt he acknowledges my pain. I have never stopped loving him or having empathy. I lost 'hope' and feared he would swallow my very soul.
I'm sorry to hear that you went through that my friend, and thank you for sharing your story. That is a very big shame that he and his family didn't seek help or guidance for his ADHD - it sounds like he was trying to break you down out of fear of losing you and had intense feelings of inferiority, but I have to say... it sounds like some of that is just asshole behaviour, not simply ADHD behaviour (but ADHD would have added to it). I think what you have brought up is very important, I'd like to take this up in my next video. Send me your questions and this coming Wednesday we'll make a video for you. Stay strong, Dr. Frank
@@FrankStahlLifeCoach I think it might of been a combination of bipolar 'dual diagnosis' and alcoholism too. His grandma and cousins diagnosed with bipolar, his mum seemed to have ADHD. With this much inherited genetically, they lacked displine themselves. Thus it was all on me, as the outsider (his grandma & mum lived with him & enabled his aggression - not teaching coping skills) to see it, I felt like his surrogate mum in the 6 months we lived together (trying to resist his raging control) not his partner. He has never lived with anyone else, but them (only another ex for 2 months - SO HE HAD MORE OF AN IDEA THAN ME HOW LIVING WITH ME WOULD BE CATASTROPHIC). I thought his outbursts had a line that he would never cross, yet he crossed it and started physically abusing me (shoulder-barging me and cutting up a beer can and leaving it on my seat, and wielding a knife). Yes, thats more about his morals. I think your comment about the partner should of chose to 'stay or go' at the onset, struck a nerve with me, because to be honest. Informing a potential partner before the relationship starts and asking them to research ADHD is not sufficient. People lie about how FAR they have gone in arguments in prior relationships. And everybody's line is different and so are their secrets and personal responsibility for treatment. His mum & grandma knew he was that violent, yet they encouraged him to move in with me & my kids witnessed it all.
Every singles word of you reminded me so much of my boyfriend who has ADHD. After 5 years of trying of making this relationship works, I gave up. I broke up with him 2 weeks ago. Thank you so much for your video.
Mistakes are acceptable, none of us are innocent. But when you all but beg your partner to seek help and they wait until your finally done. That's not a mistake that's their procrastination and shows they care more about their wants than their needs.
I just recently realized I had ADHD at 30. Just went through the worst breakup of my life with another ADHD'er. First time I've ever felt so understood. I'm glad we didn't end up having kids or buying a house. We were damn close.
Same. We both just found out and two months ago he walked out on me after 10 years. I don’t even know what i did wrong. I am beyond devastated. Im in my 60’s, that was probably my last chance at happiness with someone. I will probably spend the rest of my life alone and im scared. I know this sounds dramatic but it’s probably my reality now.
@@rhondafrederick4049 Hey! I wanna remind you that it's never to late for love, and that your grief is making your brain tell lies right now. Don't believe everything you think. Just go through the motions and grieve as much as you need to. Let the cycle of feelings go through your body, and listen to what you need. I promise you, even in your later years it's never too late. Also, a partner is not the key to happiness! Find yourself! I believe in you.
@@rhondafrederick4049 I'm so sorry friend. That's really tough. I want to remind you that grief makes us stupid. Don't believe anything you think right now, and just go through the motions and let yourself grieve when you need to. Let the crying pass through you and finish the cycles. Surround yourself with beautiful people, help others and focus on building a life that doesn't need anyone else. A partner is not the key to happiness, but it's never to late for love!! I hope you take good care of yourself and give yourself tons of compassion
I either work 100+ hours a week and hit the gym or smoke weed for 1-2 months straight. I think the only thing that kept me organized was high school but that’s long gone and I work from home. Never really seen it as ADHD since I was never diagnosed. Also suffer from porn addiction and obsessing over girls that I talk to. My sis got diagnosed with it when she was younger and kinda the same life situation with her. I wanna say both my parents show signs of inattention as well
I’m going to watch this video at least once a year as a reminder to myself to be self aware. I’ve never entered a relationship, but I’m so ready to find someone willing to work as hard as me on self improvement as well as improving the relationship the entire marriage. Thank you for this story, the insight it has provided for my growth is worth more than all the riches in the world to me 💕 Geez I’m such a sap 😆
Thank you for the video, very spot on. That is indeed a common dynamic. I would like to say though something from a perspective of being with ADHD partner. I agree ADHD partner can be very loving and affectionate. And it sounds almost easy to say ST like "love your ADHD partner even when they are not perfect, because they have a lot of love for you". It makes it look like they are occasionally not perfect. And no one is. Well The problem I see is that the area where they are having these bad moments is the area of the core of the relationship - it affects the trust! It affects the "feeling safe" area! It affects everyday life and also other relationships. If ADHD person is crossing the lines built .. lines of respect, lines of love, lines of faithfulness... Yes even if only for 10 minutes... Once crossed, they have been crossed. And then their partner have to deal with his or her own boundaries and love, at the end it's about preserving yourself, being your own saver from the unsafe situation. Why would anyone sane and someone who is loving himself or herself let someone else treat them badly, and especially their partner? Because letting this abuse happen ( consciously or unconsciously) will always lead to less love of yourself if you keep allowing this behaviour. And if you don't love yourself it's hard to love someone else. And at certain point - staying with such a partner means you are allowing this behaviour. You can hope for so long that ADHD partner will be better and will change the bad behaviour. But be careful so you don't end up hoping for it your whole life.
My ADHD boyfriend strung me along for two years love bombing me, calling me all the time wanting to hang out with me all the time. then just out of nowhere the calls stopped. He got on a dating app and met a new shiny girl you’re out. We didn’t even break up. It was just like a slow fade away. I’m still unbelievably sad about it, but I kept my dignity and I didn’t chase him or beg him or any of that she can have him, she’ll figure it out when he finds another shiny new girl. I think she’ll be calling me crying on my shoulder.😢 that’s the thing about ADHD when they love you they love you and when they’re tired of you, you might as well disappear.
I was in love with a guy with adhd. I loved him just the way he was and never wanted him to change. Unfortunately he said that he can’t love me the same way and he likes to talk to other woman. I let him go and we are still friends
Sadly ADHD people can get addicted to the instant gratification of the honeymoon period in relationships, or the rush of meeting new people or even the adrenaline that promiscuity can give them. Don't know of that is the case for him though.
We suffer immensely for the things we regret saying, the words I describe it with, is heart dragging on broken glass. You would walk to the ends of the world to make it up, and some people are not prepared to handle such.
Remarkable, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I can relate to this video. It’s just like I’m already your patient, over loving, over giving and in part losing. Thank you so much for this video. Lately I’ve been diving into why I’m so emotional though I have been this way for my entire 3 year relationship. Every action feels so important to the point where I don’t decide, I let her lead the way. Before my first love I hadn’t felt this way at all. It’s all making sense now thank you again.
If i could like this 1000%, I would. This is me in every way. I just got diagnosed recently but it was too late. I have ruined so many good relationships especially by the things I said which you so rightly put it we are aware of but can't always control. I had already improved so much in my last relationship without a diagnosis but still couldn't understand why I could be so stupid 😭
This is emotional disregulation and it can 100% be fixed. I did it, I’m still ADHD (we are born neurodivergent) but I never get triggered like that anymore.
@@anmoldutt5405Practicing mindfulness can be very helpful with emotional dysregulation. After you have an emotional outburst, reflect on it and ask yourself: what emotion did you feel during that outburst? What specific thing triggered the outburst? You can try to dig a little deeper and ask why did that specific thing trigger you? Was it related to an anxiety or a feeling of inadequacy? Over time, you will be able to feel an outburst coming on and you’ll even be able to anticipate if a certain situation will trigger you. You can then remove yourself from that situation or take steps to calm yourself if needed. I still experience emotional dysregulation but mindfulness has helped me manage it so that I no longer have outbursts.
I just figured out what happened with my life. Im an intp woman and a successful entrepreneur but my personal life is a mess and i never get to date anyone for long even tho i study lot of astrology and all. Its because adhd yes. Thank you so much Your voice is so kind and heart warming. Thank you and I wish you all the happiness and lucky surprises ❤❤❤
I don't think it's for me. I just need much time alone and I can't seem to understand other's people emotional needs. I'm not a cheater and I take care of home, I just feel arrested in my mind.
Thank you for the video. It helps put me in perspective with what ADHDers go through, i'm dating one so I should know. I promised myself that I won't give up on her tho, and as you said "we make mistakes, we are all humans" then I will be there for her when she does or when we both do so we could grow together. I am fascinated about adhd and this put love and adhd in a different view, thank you!
I was lucky twice. The hottest girl in the city gave me her number. Months later, she also responded. I was so disgusted with myself, i told her i don't know how to talk to women. And i blocked her. In my head it makes sense not to pursue her because i will just hurt myself. There's no reason for the hottest girl to be dating the most inexperienced guy. Everyone in our social circles will know that. It's destined to end before it starts. And it's not like she was hurt. I told her the honest truth. As someone with adhd, i'll be a good boyfriend someday when i'm husband material. Until then, a life of celibacy is alot more comfortable than any commitment
Dr Frank. I’m 44 and I’m just realising I have adhd. I haven’t been diagnosed but have have all the traits and I feel easily attacked and over sensitive. Can I talk to you personally please?
NT's possess the capacity for emotional regulation, though. For ADHD that is significantly harder, even with medical treatments. We don't possess those little switches and valves that regulate the emotions and strong ones, especially love, tend to run away with themselves.
I think us ADHDers should avoid dating neurotypical people because they simply do not understand us. I would rather date another neurodivergent person or just stay single which I’m am at the moment.
Hi guys! Don't forget, if you want to help me keep making content please consider becoming a supporter on patreon from as little as £1 per episode (or whatever you want!) www.patreon.com/askdrfrank
every single adhder seems to carry feelings of regret when it comes to relationships. I wish I could have started my treatment before my breakup. I wish I could go back in time, but there's nothing I can do. The only thing that lies ahead of us is the present. It's painful and exhausting, but we are capable of love.
Shit this is exactly where i am today...
Where is the lie! I am so exhausted from it all.
I, someone with adhd, fell in love with someone else, also with adhd, as the relationship went on it was exactly as he said, i built her up until i got scared she didnt need me anymore, that fear made me lose her and i will always regret my mistakes.
I’m 62, never aware that I could come into this category, until a friend introduced me to a site about ADHD. I always knew or felt different, I struggled in school etc,etc.. exactly the same as this video. In one respect I’m happier knowing that I’m not alone, as I felt so alone for far too long, never accepted etc. thank you for sharing this, spot on.
It's not simply a choice of finding out they have ADHD and deciding to stay or go, he and his family concealed his diagnosis for 3 years and he had no patience for programs. At the beginning of the relationship I was a very strong person, I didn't need 'building-up', I wanted him to stop breaking me down, killing me softly with his words. 5 years of put downs and stand-over agression later and I was no longer me. I tried going to the gym to feel good about myself, it threatened him more, no reassurance given helped, he just kept threatening to cheat on me if I went. There is little resources out there for the partner to recharge from burn out. Your compassion runs out, when the empathy is not reciprocated. I watch ADHD videos after our breakup years still. Yet, I doubt he acknowledges my pain. I have never stopped loving him or having empathy. I lost 'hope' and feared he would swallow my very soul.
I'm sorry to hear that you went through that my friend, and thank you for sharing your story. That is a very big shame that he and his family didn't seek help or guidance for his ADHD - it sounds like he was trying to break you down out of fear of losing you and had intense feelings of inferiority, but I have to say... it sounds like some of that is just asshole behaviour, not simply ADHD behaviour (but ADHD would have added to it).
I think what you have brought up is very important, I'd like to take this up in my next video. Send me your questions and this coming Wednesday we'll make a video for you.
Stay strong,
Dr. Frank
@@FrankStahlLifeCoach I think it might of been a combination of bipolar 'dual diagnosis' and alcoholism too. His grandma and cousins diagnosed with bipolar, his mum seemed to have ADHD. With this much inherited genetically, they lacked displine themselves. Thus it was all on me, as the outsider (his grandma & mum lived with him & enabled his aggression - not teaching coping skills) to see it, I felt like his surrogate mum in the 6 months we lived together (trying to resist his raging control) not his partner. He has never lived with anyone else, but them (only another ex for 2 months - SO HE HAD MORE OF AN IDEA THAN ME HOW LIVING WITH ME WOULD BE CATASTROPHIC). I thought his outbursts had a line that he would never cross, yet he crossed it and started physically abusing me (shoulder-barging me and cutting up a beer can and leaving it on my seat, and wielding a knife). Yes, thats more about his morals. I think your comment about the partner should of chose to 'stay or go' at the onset, struck a nerve with me, because to be honest. Informing a potential partner before the relationship starts and asking them to research ADHD is not sufficient. People lie about how FAR they have gone in arguments in prior relationships. And everybody's line is different and so are their secrets and personal responsibility for treatment. His mum & grandma knew he was that violent, yet they encouraged him to move in with me & my kids witnessed it all.
@@tiffanyw2557 could be narcissism
Life is hard with ADHD.
Indeed
True
I don't want to live like this my whole life😔😔..
Every singles word of you reminded me so much of my boyfriend who has ADHD. After 5 years of trying of making this relationship works, I gave up. I broke up with him 2 weeks ago. Thank you so much for your video.
Mistakes are acceptable, none of us are innocent. But when you all but beg your partner to seek help and they wait until your finally done. That's not a mistake that's their procrastination and shows they care more about their wants than their needs.
I teared up because I recognize many things, thank you so much for sharing
I just recently realized I had ADHD at 30. Just went through the worst breakup of my life with another ADHD'er. First time I've ever felt so understood. I'm glad we didn't end up having kids or buying a house. We were damn close.
Same. We both just found out and two months ago he walked out on me after 10 years. I don’t even know what i did wrong. I am beyond devastated. Im in my 60’s, that was probably my last chance at happiness with someone. I will probably spend the rest of my life alone and im scared. I know this sounds dramatic but it’s probably my reality now.
@@rhondafrederick4049 Hey! I wanna remind you that it's never to late for love, and that your grief is making your brain tell lies right now. Don't believe everything you think. Just go through the motions and grieve as much as you need to. Let the cycle of feelings go through your body, and listen to what you need. I promise you, even in your later years it's never too late. Also, a partner is not the key to happiness! Find yourself! I believe in you.
@@rhondafrederick4049 I'm so sorry friend. That's really tough. I want to remind you that grief makes us stupid. Don't believe anything you think right now, and just go through the motions and let yourself grieve when you need to. Let the crying pass through you and finish the cycles. Surround yourself with beautiful people, help others and focus on building a life that doesn't need anyone else. A partner is not the key to happiness, but it's never to late for love!! I hope you take good care of yourself and give yourself tons of compassion
I either work 100+ hours a week and hit the gym or smoke weed for 1-2 months straight. I think the only thing that kept me organized was high school but that’s long gone and I work from home. Never really seen it as ADHD since I was never diagnosed. Also suffer from porn addiction and obsessing over girls that I talk to. My sis got diagnosed with it when she was younger and kinda the same life situation with her. I wanna say both my parents show signs of inattention as well
I’m going to watch this video at least once a year as a reminder to myself to be self aware. I’ve never entered a relationship, but I’m so ready to find someone willing to work as hard as me on self improvement as well as improving the relationship the entire marriage. Thank you for this story, the insight it has provided for my growth is worth more than all the riches in the world to me 💕 Geez I’m such a sap 😆
Thank you for the video, very spot on. That is indeed a common dynamic. I would like to say though something from a perspective of being with ADHD partner. I agree ADHD partner can be very loving and affectionate. And it sounds almost easy to say ST like "love your ADHD partner even when they are not perfect, because they have a lot of love for you". It makes it look like they are occasionally not perfect. And no one is. Well The problem I see is that the area where they are having these bad moments is the area of the core of the relationship - it affects the trust! It affects the "feeling safe" area! It affects everyday life and also other relationships. If ADHD person is crossing the lines built .. lines of respect, lines of love, lines of faithfulness... Yes even if only for 10 minutes... Once crossed, they have been crossed. And then their partner have to deal with his or her own boundaries and love, at the end it's about preserving yourself, being your own saver from the unsafe situation. Why would anyone sane and someone who is loving himself or herself let someone else treat them badly, and especially their partner? Because letting this abuse happen ( consciously or unconsciously) will always lead to less love of yourself if you keep allowing this behaviour. And if you don't love yourself it's hard to love someone else. And at certain point - staying with such a partner means you are allowing this behaviour. You can hope for so long that ADHD partner will be better and will change the bad behaviour. But be careful so you don't end up hoping for it your whole life.
My ADHD boyfriend strung me along for two years love bombing me, calling me all the time wanting to hang out with me all the time. then just out of nowhere the calls stopped. He got on a dating app and met a new shiny girl you’re out. We didn’t even break up. It was just like a slow fade away. I’m still unbelievably sad about it, but I kept my dignity and I didn’t chase him or beg him or any of that she can have him, she’ll figure it out when he finds another shiny new girl. I think she’ll be calling me crying on my shoulder.😢 that’s the thing about ADHD when they love you they love you and when they’re tired of you, you might as well disappear.
I was in love with a guy with adhd. I loved him just the way he was and never wanted him to change. Unfortunately he said that he can’t love me the same way and he likes to talk to other woman. I let him go and we are still friends
You are beautiful
Sadly ADHD people can get addicted to the instant gratification of the honeymoon period in relationships, or the rush of meeting new people or even the adrenaline that promiscuity can give them. Don't know of that is the case for him though.
Sounds unrelated to the adhd
You just saved marriage. Thank you very much❤
We suffer immensely for the things we regret saying, the words I describe it with, is heart dragging on broken glass. You would walk to the ends of the world to make it up, and some people are not prepared to handle such.
I love u grandpa I hope u have a great life in heaven I love u so mucho and I miss u soo much I love you 💝
Remarkable, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I can relate to this video. It’s just like I’m already your patient, over loving, over giving and in part losing. Thank you so much for this video. Lately I’ve been diving into why I’m so emotional though I have been this way for my entire 3 year relationship. Every action feels so important to the point where I don’t decide, I let her lead the way. Before my first love I hadn’t felt this way at all. It’s all making sense now thank you again.
sesh
@@jeanpaul9079 SESH!
If i could like this 1000%, I would. This is me in every way. I just got diagnosed recently but it was too late. I have ruined so many good relationships especially by the things I said which you so rightly put it we are aware of but can't always control. I had already improved so much in my last relationship without a diagnosis but still couldn't understand why I could be so stupid 😭
This is emotional disregulation and it can 100% be fixed. I did it, I’m still ADHD (we are born neurodivergent) but I never get triggered like that anymore.
How plz tell me🙏🙏🙏
@@anmoldutt5405Practicing mindfulness can be very helpful with emotional dysregulation. After you have an emotional outburst, reflect on it and ask yourself: what emotion did you feel during that outburst? What specific thing triggered the outburst? You can try to dig a little deeper and ask why did that specific thing trigger you? Was it related to an anxiety or a feeling of inadequacy? Over time, you will be able to feel an outburst coming on and you’ll even be able to anticipate if a certain situation will trigger you. You can then remove yourself from that situation or take steps to calm yourself if needed. I still experience emotional dysregulation but mindfulness has helped me manage it so that I no longer have outbursts.
So spot on and the devastating truth.
I just figured out what happened with my life. Im an intp woman and a successful entrepreneur but my personal life is a mess and i never get to date anyone for long even tho i study lot of astrology and all. Its because adhd yes. Thank you so much Your voice is so kind and heart warming. Thank you and I wish you all the happiness and lucky surprises ❤❤❤
Ive lost everything already family fren and wife but thank you
Thank you very much for this video. Very much an inconvenient truth but I needed to hear it. ❤️
Great video Frank!
I don't think it's for me. I just need much time alone and I can't seem to understand other's people emotional needs. I'm not a cheater and I take care of home, I just feel arrested in my mind.
CHrist healed me!!
Thanks for sharing this Sir
ADHD video with a million things going on in the background 😂
Thank you so true
I wish I had a friend like you. I miss a few of my past girlfriends so damn much.
Thank you for the video. It helps put me in perspective with what ADHDers go through, i'm dating one so I should know. I promised myself that I won't give up on her tho, and as you said "we make mistakes, we are all humans" then I will be there for her when she does or when we both do so we could grow together. I am fascinated about adhd and this put love and adhd in a different view, thank you!
Was he talking about his own life?
What a lovely video
Thank you.
You are very welcome my friend! Thanks for watching
I was lucky twice. The hottest girl in the city gave me her number. Months later, she also responded. I was so disgusted with myself, i told her i don't know how to talk to women. And i blocked her. In my head it makes sense not to pursue her because i will just hurt myself. There's no reason for the hottest girl to be dating the most inexperienced guy. Everyone in our social circles will know that. It's destined to end before it starts. And it's not like she was hurt. I told her the honest truth. As someone with adhd, i'll be a good boyfriend someday when i'm husband material. Until then, a life of celibacy is alot more comfortable than any commitment
🙏. ♥️&✌️
Dr Frank. I’m 44 and I’m just realising I have adhd. I haven’t been diagnosed but have have all the traits and I feel easily attacked and over sensitive. Can I talk to you personally please?
Hey Marty, unfortunately Dr Frank passed away in 2020.
@@chrisg2657 Sad to hear that. Seems like a very good guy.
Doc my adhd fu my life
send your questions to my Facebook page and I will answer them in the next video :)facebook.com/pg/AskDrFrank
This goes for non adhd too
Different way
NT's possess the capacity for emotional regulation, though. For ADHD that is significantly harder, even with medical treatments. We don't possess those little switches and valves that regulate the emotions and strong ones, especially love, tend to run away with themselves.
THERES TOO MUCH GOING ON IN THE BACKGROUND TO CONCRETE MY FRIEND. YOUR WISDOM IS GOLD PLEASE TALK MORE
YOUR SO RIGHT IVE BEEN MARRIED 4 TIMES TO THE MOST UNATTRACTIVE MEN OUT OF INSECURITY NOW I HAVE BEEN ALONE FOR 6 YEARS NOW
I think us ADHDers should avoid dating neurotypical people because they simply do not understand us. I would rather date another neurodivergent person or just stay single which I’m am at the moment.