"Bad Texter" or Just Not That Into You? | Matthew Hussey
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Few things can match the heady exhilaration of dating someone and building momentum through regular texting and a sense of closeness.
But what about when the texting on their end is . . . kind of slow and intermittent . . . where there are big gaps in your text exchanges that leave you feeling unsure as to where, exactly, you stand with that person?
Feeling this way might even lead you to start analyzing their relationship with their phone the next time you’re with them, looking for clues as to whether their sporadic phone usage is consistent in their life or reserved just for you.
At some point, they might’ve even shared a generic line with you like, “I’m so rubbish with my phone,” or “I’m really bad at replying to people!” But is this really true?
In this week’s video, I not only answer these questions, but I dig into a really common mistake people make in this area.
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Simple. You make time for the things you want and excuses for the things you don't.
this is perfectly put!
Exactly
You just broke me💔 this means my best friend isn't into me. 😭 I'm not his priority??!
❤
Right on
Remember that non-communication IS communication. Don't be someone's afterthought.
What's your limit? For me, if two days pass and I haven't heard from you, don't bother reaching out.
@@dr.jenniferma3914 TRUE THAT! I AGREE!
Really why
In early stages, it is sometimes hard to gauge a lack of interest (if they are dating multiple people) or being more laxed at texting. Especially if they are on social media quite a bit. But then again I realized, 80% of the time if I'm watching Matthew to find an answer, the guy just isn't that interested.
totally. it really shouldn't be this hard the vast majority of the time. absolutely love Matthew but if we need his help that much then it's not a good sign lol
You KNOW deep down yourself, its good to get validation from Matthew, but deep down WE KNOW... If we're worth it, they'll make the effort. We also need to have the conversation with the other person.
Yesssss 100
This is absolute facts. No one who's interested is " THAT BUSY" . NEVER.
LOL so true on that 80%; probably 99% for me
I don’t believe the whole “bad texter” thingy, if they’re interested enough they’ll call or arrange meeting you! So😌
💯 agree. But bad texters still exist, Kaziwa. Eg. Alvi Aladin. I hope you have good artworks by the way. Love from Bangladeshis around the world. 🇧🇩🇧🇩🇹🇷
Agreed!! Especially if they were once texting you a lot at the beginning. To me, it means the interest isn't as high as it once was. Otherwise, there should be consistent dates planned. A man that is interested will make it known.
It kills attraction when a guy contacts women to often as women love mystery and men who are busy as there is even scientific evidence for that. Women are like cats, they pull back at some time to reflect (men should do the same and pull back as well instead of chasing the girl) as attraction always grows in space. Women tend to get bored if a man constantly calls, texts etc.
I hear ya - Kaziwa!
Great tips - by Matthew! And speaking of not being comparable with someone…
No matter how much you might like someone - it’s not going to work out in the long run, if they’re not the right type of people for you!
If you want a happy life - consider someone that fits your personality, that matches well with you, and that is supportive of what you want to do - and actually wants to be part of it!
Anyway, that’s my two cents.
-Carlos Verde - Dating Tips
@@orientalboy86 men do the same, love chasing, hate clinginess
If he’s interested, you’ll know. If you are wondering, he’s not. Period.
Matthew: "Do you find yourself in the early stages of dating right now and feeling increasingly frustra---"
Me: "YES."
Dating sucks these days and it’s paired with anxiety on both sides. I wish I could just meet someone who has passion & consistency in their communication. Matthew is right though, if we don’t communicate our needs and stay meek, then we get walked on
Bahahahahahaha
Right. You don't wanna be too vulnerable and ask for too much from them too soon when you're getting to know each other. But you also don't want to waste your time, especially the older you get. I think Matthew offers good tips for expressing your needs without being too needy, but still being direct. And yes, anxiety is real, especially if you've had trauma. No one wants to get burned.
@@shellyc2161 I see both sides of the coin. Obviously, if someone cares about you, they will put forth effort and make time. But everyone's love language and communication needs are different. And someone might not know they're not meeting your needs if you don't tell them. A closed mouth won't get fed.
LMAO facts
Many men say they have to work so much, but honestly...everybody has 5 minutes to text back. If He doesn't have 5 minutes to text you back, he doesn't have time for a relationship neither.
Amen!!!
That’s true
Exactly my thoughts. Just a few text to tell you he's fine would do.
Well!!! Some more serious work really exist, many professionals are not allowed to use phone at their workplace, it may be the case ... So we need to make sure if he's fooling around or really busy
Exactly.
If they’re bad at texting but they’re interested in you, they’ll find ways to communicate. Audio call, video call, setting up many dates to see you. If you just don’t hear from them at all, just know they don’t care that much :)
Exactly!!!! I hate texting but if it someone I care about or want to see , I either send an audio or send a text to set a date.
Bad texters doesn't mean lack of communication bad texters are people who prefer voice for communication. People take their phones even to the toilet so they can definitely send a text and text is easier and more discrete.
But he could send a voice message or even schedule a voice call. Thats what "bad texters" do.
Hmmm. I have been in multiple dates but I had this 1st date with someone who is very talkative in person but in text sometimes he non stop texting and idk he sometimes does not text at all but react to my stories.
There’s an update on this guy that I dated with. So now we are chatting on soc med and we also call and video call and we talk everyday 😊
I resemble this remark.
I am older. Came into the digital crap kicking and screaming. My youngster forced me to learn this stuff so I could keep them safe.
Now? I hate phone calls. Text. Kik. Etc works great.
Meeting someone, not withstanding.
The thing is, most men of an age dislike texting, digital stuff. They only want f2f conversation or nothing at all. Lastly, are phone conversations.
As Matt says, it is a matter of connection. He wants sex, I want connection. He wants f2f. I want sex to not be a constant push.
Love this video.
Dating was just so much easier before the whole texting culture. We used to wait for the guy to call and never gave it a second thought. My late husband would call me on a Wednesday night to make plans for Saturday night. I never stressed about not hearing from him in-between. It's just the way it was. There is such a thing as over communicating. I'm learning if you are secure in yourself the whole texting thing doesn't matter.
So refreshing to hear opinions like this, my thoughts mirror yours exactly. Every woman I meet hates my texting habits (I only text to arrange plans). It wasn't that long ago that texting and smartphones didn't exist... now I'm always being doubted because I don't text, no matter how much love I show in person. I put 200% of my effort into dates and being together. Apparently all meaningless if I don't keep up daily communication in between, even if we meet frequently.
I feel just as close to someone even if I don't speak with them online every single day, but I feel very alone in this sentiment.
Thankyou
He took you for granted, was confident you'd say yes, and so he made minimal effort, and didn't reassure you, you tolerated that lack of communication...why ??
@@gewfone Were all relationships fake and disrespectful before phones were invented?
Everyone is different. I personally like to hear from my person everyday (a short text a few times a day really). It puts a smile on my face and I feel close to them.
I used to believe "if he liked me then he'd text me more often" because that's the way MY brain works, but after studying psychology and talking to my happily married friends, there genuinely are guys who, despite having strong feelings for someone, just don't like texting. They may think about their person everyday, but don't feel the need to text them/don't feel connection from texting. They use texting purely as a means to plan things.
So just because YOU text someone when you like them, it doesn't mean everyone is wired that way! We all have different brains and different ways of expressing affection.
(But also obviously if a guy rarely texts you it can be a sign he's not interested. It all depends on the person)
from a man perspective. another reason could be. if we maybe would text to much, or just less, we get ghosted. or get scared we can come across needy,? a lot of women don't like it/that ... so that's why we don't send 15 dammn texts in a 2 min span. it's either max 5 texts to meet up = definite plans makes it's so easy for us. if you are genuine interested back to date, etc ...
I am a woman and I 100% agree with those man. I dislike texting so much and use it for logistics ONLY.
Yes my boyfriend hates texting as he feels it just takes so much time to get across what he wants to say and is impersonal , it would frustrate him but he would call instead and communicate that way .it took me a bit to understand not to take it personally. So yes even if he hates texting he will still communicate if interested I believe at least in some way .
Edit to add he is still this way over a year of us being together and now I've grown to really appreciate this about him .
I wouldn't want a man like that tbh
It sounds like a disability that comes from toxic masculinity
My boyfriend says, "even if I m not calling or texting you, it doesnt mean I m not thinking about you". Fair. But my response to that is, "I cant read your mind, can I?". I need to hear from him to feel connected (call or text doesnt matter), he not so much. At the end of the day, it comes down to the compatibility of both parties' needs I guess. And an eagerness to find a happy medium when compatibility is hard to achieve naturally. We both have busy jobs, so our solution is to send each other a kiss emoji, whenever we think of the other, or need to connect. It doesnt even need to be a lot of words or full blown conversation. Just one emoji.
"If he's interested then you'll know, if he's not you'll wonder" thats been true with texting for me. Especially with apps and so many options, you'll know if youre his top person or a "backup"
That’s not true. I met my girlfriend 6 months ago and she always checks who writes first, who calls and she wants me to call and text more but I love her and don’t want to blow off her phone because too much texting and calling can kill attraction and lead to a break up which I don’t want because she’s to valuable to me. You won’t have anything to talk about if you meet up with that person and constantly call and text with that person. I know that attraction grows in space and I’d rather arrange meetings with my girlfriend as it’s far more natural, I want to smell her, see her, kiss her, hug her, see her mimics, emotions, smile and just feel her and spend as much time with her as possible.
@@orientalboy86 I'm always happy when I hear people expressing in how many different ways they appreciate others. That's wonderful
@@alexandramunoz4551 That’s true. I used to call my ex girlfriends a lot, it was amazing in the beginning but after a while I noticed that there were a lot of silent moments where we didn’t say anything to each other because there was nothing to talk about anymore. That’s when I said to myself that I won’t make the same mistake in the future and avoid talking each day for hours on the phone as it has the potential to kill attraction.
@@orientalboy86 spot on! Stay well man :)
@@orientalboy86 do you atleast text her once a day? I met this guy on Tinder. We talked about our lives and he told me he likes me ..talked all sort of romantic things unless I shared my number. His texts drastically reduced. Especially when we met. It was always me who texted him first but after that he used to respond. Eg I texted I miss you. He used to respond I miss you daily. But the first message had to come from my side. This was also when we were in different cities. This used to make me very angry that he is only into me physically and not emotionally. So I told him 1 day to block me which he said he cannot as this feels more permanent to him and if he doesn't text me often doesn't mean he doesn't miss me or want this to end. What do you think about him?
You won’t be confused with a guy that likes you. Bottom line.
Aww thank you I needed to hear
I wish it was that simple. Guys can like you and still be confusing. Humans are unique and complex.
@@lisawhite8718 If a guy confuses you address that to him. Let him know what you want. That’s what I did. He ask me what I want and rn we are exclusively dating.
Yep. When first meeting, it usually doesn’t take long for a decide he’s interested. After he decides you’re someone who is more serious to him, you will see a softness to him and a willingness to give. At first, my boyfriend said “ I don’t like texting.” Now we text and talk continuously. And when he thinks I have something on my mind, his Face is open and his voice is gentle. “Hey. What’s on your mind. Talk to me.” There are a lot of variables, but I think a man who truly wants you will clearly show it
@@Mayfloweralways correct, my boyfriend isn't a texter and still isn't. I shoukd be glad when I recive 1 to 3 text messages a week. I never doubted that he likes me becaus his actions says it all. He moves mountains just to see me 2 to 3 days a week (we have a long distance relationship)
Even if it means he needs to drive to me for just a couple of hours. He plans everything upfront. We do a lot of fun things, go to diner, walking, out for a drink etc
I was/am never insecure about not receiving any textmessages. Instead he calls me now and than. I think I'm falling in love with this guy! Girls if he doesn't text it does't automatically mean he doesn't care. Actions speak louder then texting.
Most of the times the same guy that claims to be bad at texting ultimately watches all your social media stories. We all know they are not bad at texting they just dont care. Thanks Matthew
True
🤧
Oof that hurts 😫
Why do they watch your social media stories? They’re just bored? They just have a crush but don’t want to move forward with it?
@@samtula5946maybe bc it's on their timeline or ftp bc they're on social media rather than intentionally seeking u out? He's probably just scrolling and scrolled past it post
Consistency is the 🗝️ word! There can be bad texters and good ones. The red flag is someone who is texting a lot in the start and then gradually less and less and in the end hardly even reply.
Because they got bored you ever thought about that
I was in a situationship with a guy for two months. He texted me once in a week, we saw each other once every two weeks. But at the end, I realised that despite we had a kind of dates, I really don't know anything about the everyday of this person neither he knows about mine nor he ask about it. After a short new years' message, that we exchanged. I decided that I won't invest in this type of relationships anymore. If he's a bad texter or whatever, he still can call me or try to be more in touch with me asking for my day. Maybe he's not that into me, so I have to move on.
It’s not about texting or call. It’s about getting to know me and getting to know him. You can’t get to know someone infrequently.
Honestly, bad texting in and of itself is kind of a deal-breaker, because it indicates that they're bad at communication. Unless they have some preferred method of communication they're better at (which they should state upfront), I have no time for bad texters. Bad texter = bad communicator.
This is very useful, thanks! What happens to me over and over... I text with a guy, at the beginning it's a great frequency, we start going out, let's say it lasts for 2 months and then poof, it's decreasing. I'm a very straight-forward person, so usually I ask if everything is okay, if he wants to still meet me. They answer - of course I want to!, but communication is still decreasing to the point we are not going out anymore. I feel that guys I'm meeting never admit that they are not interested anymore and then I'm there frustrating over it. And I'm not angry that someone is not interested anymore, just I like it communicated, not having a hope and wasting my time
This is so me.
I agree! If a guy isn’t interested in you anymore, he should be man enough to tell you instead of wasting your time and stringing you along.
Do you think it’s because online dating makes for hook-up culture? And that there’s always someone next with online dating? Asking because I’m curious about your experience.
Did you not get the hint
Same!
Please ladies, listen, you were given intuition. Listen to it. If a guy is into you, you’ll know… but stay into you first and always. Keep going out with your friends. Doing what you enjoy. We are not that needy that we need someone to tell us they love us at breakfast, lunch and dinner. If I was a guy, I would find this off putting if I had to text to make a woman secure.
As a woman, I hate texting but if I am interested in someone, I’ll make an effort and send voice messages or little videos. On the other hand, I am confident enough to know that if someone isn’t that interested in me, then it is their prerogative. It doesn’t diminish who I am. Of course, I get disappointing, no one likes rejection but hey, plenty of good guys out there…. It is just a matter of time.
A bad texter isn’t the real problem. If you were a priority or if he was remotely interested, he would find the right way of communicating… you don’t need to have conversation about it, even in joking. You’ll know deep down.
Matt is right. Confidence is the key to everything. We may have to work at it for a while, but oh boy, once we have it, we are like magnets 😄
What is wrong with having a conversation about it?
@@jsdevtom Well in part because the signs are already there. I will just reference that I thought they were ghosting if I don't hear from them for a couple days. If they keep up that behavior after knowing where my mind goes, then I lose interest.
@@dr.jenniferma3914 "after knowing where my mind goes" So we agree, the relationship would benefit from talking about it?
When someone says you have intuition, what they're basically doing is calling you stupid. Listen, you aren't too smart and can't think too logically, but you have these feelings. Geesh. Nothing I hate worse than when people say women are "intuitive", please stop accepting it when men call you stupid.
My ex hated texting but he was almost 24/7 on twitter. When I asked why he doesn't write to me he'd be like he doesn't spend all his time on his phone and would rather text when absolutely necessary. I understood that for a while but it eventually wore me out cos I felt like I was giving so much and receiving so little. I used to beg for a good morning text or a good night text or a how're you doing text. He never called either. Not only did I realise he just wasn't into me, but he wouldn't bother addressing my love languages. The person for you should meet you at your point of need however quirky or weird. I also think communication is extremely key for the success of any relationship. Anyone who deprives you of that really isn't into you.
May be that Twitter had a lag because even my husband's Facebook messenger shows him online the whole day when he isn't.
This was deeper than I expected. When he says (paraphrasing) that when we don’t feel worthy of good treatment we don’t state what our needs are that hit close to home. Didn’t realize that was my core emotion / belief, but it’s ultimately why I never say what I want or need.
This is so me, had a lovely man, we fell
in love, felt like we had known each other our whole life’s, but there were things and behaviours for him not because he was bad or anything just his learnt ways, it was difficult for me to express my self, I loved him like never have before but I just became closed. I wish the confidence had been there to talk it all through. We broke up and I miss him and wish I knew now what I needed to know then 😟
Being a bad texter during working hours is fine. It's outside of those hours that it becomes fishy. We do have other interests during the afternoon to focus on, like the gym or some volunteering, etc... but never does it get to a point where I will forget to text someone I like all day or a few days in a row.
It is important however to link this to the number of times we see each other per week.
She knows that I will always keep myself available to see her all weekend long (and every night) until she tells me she's got other plans. That's when I will call my friends to go out with them.
Why are you keeping yourself available? Is she your gf? If not why aren’t your making definite plans? You’re putting her on a pedestal. I’ll bet she dumped you
I should start doing my solo date coz relationship are a bigger than the pandemic we had , i cant deal with all these excusses
If I’m into you, I make you a priority and you’ll know it by my texts (a bit too much perhaps 😓, but that’s out of excitement and my wish to be close to you, connect to you more). This is only based on one experience, though 😅. It’s definitely something to talk about if you feel there’s either too little or too much texting.
I like a happy medium. I don’t like texting all day. I do like some mystery but it someone falls of the face of the earth it makes me sick!
Thanks for sharing. It puts things in perspective. If someone's a priority, if the interest is there, we will make time for them and we will want to be close to them
I'm in Australia but you saying if your into a woman she knows it is good not having to second guess sounds nice. It's a year later but good luck to you. Peace.
If a man is interested, even an older man, he will do what it takes to get to know you. The medium is not the issue.
I’m a seriously bad texter, no matter how much I like people. It exists. Just don’t like being on my phone and having long convos over text
How do you instead express your consistent interest? Just a note: the same effort you put into typing this TH-cam message is the same effort that can be placed into sending a text once a day. Perhaps...it's just not what you'd prefer to do with your time.
You have phone anxiety
@@vintagemoth Sort of I guess
@@UrUrbanRockstar Why you need texting to feel that other person is consistently interested? There is a reason why many guys don't like texting with people they don't know well and prefer calls and talking in person.
@@MarkoLomovic It doesn't have to be texting. It could be calls or meeting up. We're generally told that men that are interested make a consistent effort to communicate or see you. When we don't see consistency (lapse in 5 days or more without communicating), it triggers thoughts that something changed. Is that not necessarily true?
I had that problem with a guy I am seeing but then realised he doesn't actually use his phone . When I am with him he doesn't even look at his phone! But then I had men who texted me all day everyday and still weren't really interested...
Well, that’s good he’s not on his phone when he’s with you. That seems like a very normal thing to do when you’re with someone. He should be paying attention to you in stead of his phone. You’re there. You should be his priority at that moment. Men who text you all day, yet aren’t interested, probably just use you for attention. And when I say they use you, I don’t mean their intentions are necessarily bad. I’d say it’s most likely a subconscious thing.
Been seeing this girl for just over a month and this has made it pretty clear to me that I just need to end things and walk away. It's a shame because she really does have great qualities that I want in a partner but at this point it's just me getting scraps and valuing those scraps way too much. Bummer
Nah. there are no "Bad Texter" If we are "Into You" we can texting until 3 AM
"Bad texter" is cope for hot guy who's not interested. Meanwhile another 9 dudes are writing poetry that nobody reads.
Texting until 3am is too much even if interested.
@@Aarune_ it’s said in a joking manner lol
@@mette1983 Uh-huh.
Thanks for stating the obvious. 🥛🥛Cheersss pii mljekoo
My sister's boyfriend is a bad texter. She thought he wasn't that interested. They were friends for 2 year before dating but not on texting basis. He texted her back within a day, he replies other people within weeks 😂
I’m dating a surgeon. He’s a horrible texted due to typically being in surgery. However this man will say I’ll call you at 7 and my phone will ring like clock work. If he’s been called into a surgery a scrub nurse will reach out and say he’s running late. I was bothered at first but, I’ve learned that he’s a great communicator just a terrible texter!
My advice to anyone dealing with this. I’ve been there a few times in my life. One thing I’ve come to realize is that if you have to question your relationship with them rather it’s to yourself or asking someone “ I don’t know how he feels. He never contacts me. He doesn’t help me when I need help. He’ll go all day without contacting me “. He is simply not for you. Men are natural hunters and they go after what they want. When you’re with the right one you’ll know ❤
I really needed this today. I’m going through this right now. I can’t believe this was posted today, oh my gosh! Matthew, thank you for everything you do!
Call him out on it from the beginning, otherwise the relationship will linger and go nowhere.
Same here! He keeps saying he is extremely busy and that’s y he can’t text as much as he used to… but haven’t heard from him for the past 4 days now.. so, don’t know if he is lying or not 🤷♀️
@@frenchymia1982 If it's a new relationship, there will be many games played & you will have to play as well. You need to make yourself busy. Start working out, a hobby a class, etc - just start doing things you enjoy. This will automatically make you more attractive and give you the opportunity to meet someone who's more serious about finding their love and being in a relationship.
@@1maybeline thanks for replying… that’s exactly what I’m doing.. just keeping myself busy. I don’t like waiting after people anymore .
Same girl...someone recently stop texting me and refuse to even answer my simple text of "How are u today?"...
You know its fishy when hes apparently a bad texter but when youre together he glimpses at his phone or goes to the bathroom with it a few times. And yeah, he might send me the voice messages. But its not enough when he does it on Monday after a whole weekend of being quiet... I told him what I need, and that is better communication in any form- texting, calling, ideally meeting more often. And told him it would be great to see where this takes us. It took us nowhere. He said he will try to improve and nothing changed. So I ended it. I could have easily madly fallen in love with that guy but he didnt create the connection with me. Even tho we had (the most amazing) sex. Shame but his loss
You did thee right thing by returning him to the streets, cause thats where he belongs (and where he is while slient all weekend). I recently had to do the same.
Men dont emotionally connect through sex mostra likely they disconnect. So many women lost in translation.
Here's a book for you "men don't love women like you" by Lambert. Hope it helps.
@@lunalu552 when i google: do men fall in love through sex" I get different results
exactly....when there's no progress and you just don't know where you stand....
I dated a man for 6 months and he rarely ever called and was a terrible texter. I discussed it with him a few times and he never chaged. So, I moved 10 hours away for a job opportunity and we promised we'd visit each other. He now calls and texts several times a day. If he'd been even a 3rd that attentive before I never would have moved.
I know a guy who texts to plan things. Most of our communication is in person. I can tell he prefers in person interaction and I'm here for it!
That’s how I am as a male. Especially in the beginning. Texting can go wrong or spoil learning about each other. I just prefer to not waste good conversation over text when we can experience it in person.
I might shoot a quick text every 3 days in the early phases of dating. If they don’t reciprocate like 50% in reaching out, I’ll just assume they’re busy and wait.
Can you say if it worked after a year? Did he start to text you more often?
The opposite happened with me...he used to text me excessively at the dating stage then he stopped talking to me at all..like for weeks and months...and whenever I bring it up he says "I don’t like anybody to tell me what to do whenever I wanna it I’ll do it but when i don’t I’m not gonna text you"....I BROKE UP with him cuz there’s nothing more selfish
Seems quite emotionally/socially immature from him. Sure, do your own thing then… by yourself.
That guy has major ego issues. Mine on!
Jerk
It's a MAJOR red flag and shouldn't be ignored. The communication should pick up after dates. You really should be hearing from someone daily if there's actual intent of dating you. If you don't hear from them daily, if the texts are dry or seem like you have to pull teeth to get anything going, or if you find that you're anxiously looking at your phone wondering when you'll hear from them again, they are either:
1. Playing massive games that are designed to trigger your attachment style. I consider great dates and bad or no texting to be a kind of intermittent reinforcement set up. They are setting you up to wonder, crave, feel some relief with crumbs of attention. Don't take it.
or,
2. They are genuinely not interested in you. They may want you as an option if the mood strikes or they're in your area, but they aren't thinking of having you in their circle. They don't see you as material for the inner circle and they are deliberately keeping you out. I say "deliberate" because people often wonder if the bad texter KNOWS what they're doing.
They do. They don't care. Move on.
If you do decide to bring up this problem and they CONTINUE to do the same thing, RUN!
Texting dont matter if you are meeting up in person. People spend more time texting than dating
I am not In a any relationship because I'm working on myself. But every time I watch your videos I realise I played a big role in my failed relationships. I was cheated and hurt but I see what role I played in this. Thank you Hussey.
How do you work on yourself ? I work a lot only in relationship bc only then I am triggered 😅
This is such a tough one. i think we are generally conditioned to think that someone messaging frequently and trying to open deep conversations on text is interested in you. Which indeed can be very wrong and i like that Matthew draws attention to consistency of communication and the compatibility on closeness.
I dated a guy last year on and off for a year. We met online and i really struggled with his texting/calling from the beginning. He also called himself a bad texter and he indeed was consistently a bad texter throughout our dating. As i got to know him more and more, i noticed this is indeed his overall style; but unfortunately from the beginning i gained up a lot of resentment because i was thinking i am convincing myself that he likes me but he is not showing effort. That he is not in to me and he is using me.
When we were physically together, he was very warm, attentive and very very affectionate- touchy feely, very PDA. As we broke up now and i distanced myself, i could really see that it is his style and it was not about me or him liking me not enough. I always mentioned to him in a kind way that i felt closer when we were in touch also when we did not see each other and his on and off style makes me feel uncomfortable. He did try, but because it was not his style and it was not authentic those trials felt very breadcrumbing to me. And eventually we broke up, because no matter if i could understand that it is his style and he told me he really likes me, likes hanging out with me etc, i was not able to not feel unhappy about the on and off style of our dating in terms of closeness.
I had the same experience with someone and I also tended to be like this as well with friends I realized. It is likely his attachment style is avoidant. Avoidant people tend to feel like keeping in close contact with people while apart is a chore because it feels suffocating as we feel we need that 'space.' But needing that space is likely from not being able to be genuinely authentic and always feeling like a front or mask has to be put up.
@@qazedc3 Don't bite the BS of attachment styles. That's not an avoidant. You know what avoidant means according to the study with children? Is that the child reacts with avoidance when put under a lot of stress like abandonment of a caregiver. It's not being ok and walk away.
Avoidance and anxious styles are better seen during an argument. The anxious wants to have the argument right now the avoidant would rather close themselves in a room or go for a walk.
Women dwell into emotional thinking and try to figure out answers for pattern behaviors. Go watch how many men are googling attachment styles and love languages, for F sake.
Check dating sites for men and see if they're trying to figure out how to make their relationships better or help his partner. NO. You'll have "how to get laid fast", "how to manipulate women to have sex with you" not mentioning the all manosphere painting women as the source of evil and butt of the joke AKA redpill/incels/mgtow/mra/PUA.
In this time and age women should be taught on how to keep their guards up and use Vetting and preferred method od dating. Internet is the new playground of scammers, players, and even serial r4pists and killers.
That seems very miserable. I read from a book that says: if he doesn't love you how you want it, does it even matter that they "love you"? Girl, you yourself said you broke with this guy because the compatibility wasn't there, sounds you are putting excuses for his attitude that was clearly insufficient and frustrating to you.
@@marte1376 i never said it was sufficient for me and that is why i broke up with him. But do we love someone because they meet our needs or because who they are? I think love is independent of needs but compatibility is indeed not. Sometimes you try to accept someone as they are and you can, and sometimes because it is so insufficient, you do not want it anymore. Trying to understand someone's nature us not making excuses. It means being compassionate and not personalize other's behaviour. Yet, you can still decide it is not for you, which is what i did.
@@qazedc3 thanks for sharing your side of the story. that was indeed exactly the case. in the moment, he is so sweet, gentle and fully immersed in others. perhaps one of the best listeners i have met; fully listens you to understand your story, not to wait and react back. very flexible with planning, if you insist on whatever you want to do, he will fully follow. but because in the moment he gives so much gentleness, i think he then thinks (subconsciously) that he cannot be like this all the time and he determines when to give like this. it is a form of control actually, to feel safe when you are in an unbalanced state with your boundaries. yet telling this person to relax or be himself etc absolutely has no impact, they need to notice this on their own. therefore i gave up as i do not want to be someone else's coach or psychologist, i have myself to attain to :)
I think it's important to trust your gut, if you feel something is wrong then it is. There is no need to give them excuses. If they are bad texter then all they have to do is learn how to text.
Good point! How difficult is it to send a meme or ask "how are you" just something that shows that you're in their thoughts.
Because he was bad texter I used to send long paragraph, he would never read
Because he was bad texter I used to send long paragraph, he would never read
I think it has nothing to do with good or bad texting,it has to do with if he cares enough to give you his time,if he gives you less of his time then you not his priority.He most likely has a person he's investing his time in,you just a toy he wants to play with, whenever he's bored.Put yourself first and be selfish,self love is important otherwise PPL will use you.
If the person is interested, that person will call or text or something. Very good advice about communication. Thank you
At 45, I really don't want anyone to do anything for me that they don't want to do. I'm not sure I would ever have a conversation about my needs at the dating stage. If they don't do the things I need organically, I would just drop them.
Is 32 too early to use the same logic? He's 28, wants me to clearly communicate my needs, but in my head I'm like 'it's a common sense to me, but turns out not with you'.
The worst is... I did say what I need.
When he doesn't pick up, I'm frustrated 'how much do you want to be nagged?'
When he does, I'm feeling like I'm 'growing myself a man to my liking ' and feel rotten for seeing him like a robot, not a man 😕
This is really hard when in my last relationship I was love bombed SO much and he texted and called all the time…now normal communication feels like neglect.
I always say, reset, readjust.
I’m talking to a guy who is absolutely amazing when we’re together, but as soon as I walk out the door, no communication until the next time we hang out. It makes me very anxious and insecure.
Same here 😅 it’s all good in person then nothing 😴😴
I was in the same situation and today I decided to stop this! This is the main sign he is not interested !!!
And what happened then? I'm in the same situation and I'd like to know how could this evolve? 😅
As a single mom with SO much going on in my life, it drives me insane when I'm expected to have my phone on me and text them all day long. Nooooo, that's too much. What did people do when there wasn't texting? Oh yeah, they lived their lives and communicated when it was convenient for both of them.
When my texting slowed, I would get a huge text message about how he felt something was "off". I would explain time and time again that I was just very busy and that he was the one I communicated with the most in my life and the one I spent all of my free time with....His pushing for more made me step away. If my maximum amount wasn't enough for him I knew I wouldn't be able to ever make him happy.
That doesnt make you a bad texter imo. Someone who's bad at it is someone that sees your message and ignores it thinking they'll get to it later and then never do. If you are genuinely busy he would prbly see your "last online" status and understand if he's reasonable
Watching someone’s online status is also frustrating with modern dating. Sometimes I may want to watch some TH-cam or interact with friends/my non-dating interests online. Having someone you’re dating say “I saw you were online” doesn’t mean they owe *you* all of their time on the phone. (I’m saying this nicely)
I love this fucking comment. Amen. He was need af. It’ll never be enough. He got what he deserved
What's worse when a tinder match expects this frequent communication in a day (and you haven't even met her yet)
The texting doesn’t need to increase as the relationship increases bc as the relationship increases, you’ll be together more in person and won’t need to text. Getting into these texting traps never end. It kills attraction. It’ll never be enough
I will take calling over texting any day. I hate texting. Once upon a time, we didn't have mobile phones. We had a desire to see our partners at the end of the day and had things to talk about, because we had our time for our work, our colleagues. We need space not suffocation. We need closeness by paying attention, because we are interested. We haven't been doing what we felt we had to do through the day..
This really helped me understand why I need a text every day it’s makes sense now I obviously need to feel his presence in my life every day especially when we live hundreds of miles apart I didn’t want to say cos I felt I wud come across as needy!
@UCz24qFgOBwX1b5qo9-X3rUQ Hi Matthew why did you ask me to write to you??
I am needy and I'm proud of it knowing that a loving relationship will never come naturally. Lost all my patience and now in depression
@@christiansnaturestudio6599 a loving relationship will come naturally when you’re ready for it. Work on yourself more there’s a Jock for every Jinny that’s what I always say!! & no I’m not Scottish either haha
@@helenmunday5899 dude I'm already ready because I have a job, education, hobbies, and financial stability. Being an adult is so difficult that it lead me to depression
@@helenmunday5899 Nah I hate the work life after thinking about the woman of my dreams not ready for a relationship. She hasn't texted me for a long time
Hard thruth is that if someone is really interested they find the way to communicate, and it's up to you wether you are happy with the frequency, medium... for me work is a priority and I would be texting that much if I'm on a meeting or have to be really focus on something I have to get done, and I would respect someone that does the same. I dated this guy that didn't text much during the day but called me everytime he left work, so I knew he was interested and investing on the relationship
I do think when someone says “I’m a bad texter” is an excuse. It isn’t difficult to send a text to show someone you are thinking of them or that you have an interest in them. If the person is a bad texter, then they should be expressing some sort of affection in some way (phone call, seeing you, sending memes, etc) to show that the person is thinking of you. People work and have other commitments as well but if someone can’t make that attempt to give you that “closeness”, then maybe the person is not for you unfortunately.
I feel like attachment styles play a big part in this scenario. I’m avoidant/secure so I don’t need a lot of texting all day, everyday. Too much and it makes me pull away, tbh. So I have a hard time dating those with anxious attachment styles that need constant interaction/validation. Doesn’t mean I’m not interested, just means our needs differ.
Thank you for this timely video! My recent attempt at having this conversation about needing more closeness with my bf resulted in a devastating breakup. This helps me see that it was a compatibility issue instead of a rejection/abandonment.
Thank you for sharing that. You make a good point. It is more of a compatibility issue rather than a rejection issue. Sometimes we take it as rejection when what we need to do is reframe it.
When you like someone you want to share. Period. If its not happening, the person is not into you.
I am so amazed at how good you are at communicating. This is a major issue with people who are not 100% sure that you're the one. It's good to call them out as soon as your see it.
Constant delays means they're usually not that interested or maybe too nice and insecure about rejecting, maybe currently not interested or scared to bring new people into their life too. Can't force people to like us but some open up, some won't
these videos help me calm my ego and question my feelings. thank you Matthew
I've reached the point where I have zero tolerance for bad communicators. I know that I as a person need consistent communication (other people may feel differently of course), so it's a deal breaker if that's not happening.
For myself , if a guy doesn’t show enough interest then neither do I, in fact if he’s very slow once I’ve gave my number , then to be honest there eliminated from my phone.
No way would I be at the mercy of waiting for a guy to text me, if he’s slow he’s either not keen enough OR got other priorities in his life!
You can’t make a man want you!
Totally agree
@@saniaz680 samee, but you're lucky you just got minutes gap at night, i got hours instead, like 3-5 hours. He wasn't like this before i gave him my number though, boy bye 😂
You are absolutely amazing Mathew, and you are doing such an enormous help for people, mostly women, tricked, confused, gaslightened by narcissists. Thanks 🙏 from Spain
I just have been that tricked and emotional blackmailed for a month ,merely broke up, same to you ,thx for Mathew helping me know someone I've dated he only gaslighted me in this relationship, it was rly sucks, and rly a novelty based fast food attitude that Mathew just told in video 🙇♀️ from Taiwan
And he opens all those eyes without being disrespectful to men nor women. He opens eyes without breaking hearts. My hero
Raquel M. "mostly women". Lol.
I feel like I should have paid for this advice 🙏🏾 👌🏾 so well communicated. I fully agree with this,makes perfect sense.!
Great tips! And speaking of not being comparable with someone…
No matter how much you might like someone - it’s not going to work out in the long run, if they’re not the right type of people for you!
If you want a happy life - consider someone that fits your personality, that matches well with you, and that is supportive of what you want to do - and actually wants to be part of it!
Anyway, that’s my two cents.
-Carlos Verde - Dating Tips
I expressed directly that I felt like the communication was not working anymore and his reaction was to leave me on read. Sometimes no text is message enough... Gotta let it go
Matthew how are you posting just the right video exactly when I need it? You're amazing and the best at what you do! xoxo
Good to rewatch this video again before I put things into conclusion . Gonna try communicating about the closeness and see how it goes.
actions will show when someone is genuinely interested in you, Full Stop. 😊
I love this video! The need for connection…that’s it! That’s totally what it boils down to. You’re brilliant and thank you Matthew ❤
My guy text me back, whenever I text him, we used to text all the time, but now we have minimize it, but when we talk, is all amazing vibes, sometimes I get nervous, when he doesn’t text me for a couple of days, but I give him space and respect it. Mathew has showed me A lot! ☺️
Very timely for me. Thank you, Matthew!
I did not expect this discourse to go this deep. Thanks Matthew. I enjoyed your advise on this.
Here's the thing, I had men admit to liking me when they were bad at texting so why would I want to be with a person who is bad at communicating?
Exactly
WOW, Matthew’s most meaningful practical message!!! 💯🎯
Regardless of any situation.......you better be getting at least 1 text or 1 phone call a day...if not......you are not in a relationship.....if it's something casual...yes...you can go days without hearing from them.
I'm not in a relationship yet but this really help me to understand my past relationships
Adjabeng Bemice. Are you saying ture.?
I rather be single. It’s not worth the stress. People have such bad communication skills it’s not even funny. It’s a turn off. Idc if I’m by myself at least I know I’m happy.
Same here
I thrive on conversation but Im genuinely a bad texter when it comes to relationships. I feel like no words can fairly compare to the simplicity and beauty of listening a voice or to see a smile. The guy I'm dating now is also a bad texter (lucky for me, cause he understands) but he enjoys conversation too. So, we rather talk.
I feel so "caught" right now. I use the bad texter excuse all the time, bc I have a condition that has me have some really shaky hands so texting is super short and blunt. But the people I care about get a text from me or a voicemail, right now I'm dating a great guy with whom all of this feels so effortless.....
Use voice memos- problem solved
@@scubagirl1971,. unfortunately if you have an iPhone, you can only send those to others with iPhones. I found this out because my GF can send them to me, but I can't send them back.
@@JoelHacker theres audio to text on every phone.
You’re fascinating. You make great videos and give valuable advice on what is important. I can’t imagine how many people you have helped feel loved and work their relationship out. Thank you for your great content.
Now I k ow what channel to return to when I cannot find the words to describe my feelings. This was so refreshing to hear. Thank you🤎
I just sent the "Umm...you need to text me more. Ok bye." message to my person. Fingers crossed!
He replied an hour later and said, "👀 You text that like you're gonna beat me up. Lol." I told him that I'm a lover, not a fighter, lol.
@@ericamo1haha girl, you’re funny! Try to tell him those things in person not by text, so he can see your gestures that you’re saying it as joke 😅
A very attractive guy asked for my number. Started texting the first day. He asked me out on a date, I said yes. While planning the date, he ghosts me out of the blue. I told myself „if it takes him 24h to respond I will delete his number“. Obviously he didn’t text, I deleted his number. He panicked and called me two times in a row and then even had the audacity to just say „Hey, sorry for the late reply. Still wanna go on a date?“
The disrespect I felt in that moment.
I believe that Matthew, you have grown wise enough , your videos nowadays are more down to earth , real and honest , really like this progression in you:).
Hands down the best clip I’ve watched. Thank you for this clarity.
Amazing content with coming years! Thanks, mathew. Very helpful, indeed.
Such a brilliant video. Thank you for the insight!
As soon as I start feeling anxious instead of relaxed and happy when texting someone then I just stop texting and lose interest real fast.
Don't chase, find those who choose each other
This is really happened to me. I've just stopped communicate with someone after a year of texting and 3 meeting-in-person. Truly he's just not that into me but never get a nerve to tell me. There're some inconsistency as a red flag for awhile and I was too optimistic as he always mentioned that he's busy. So I decide myself to cut the last straw. I'm so done and completely happy on my own.
I really want to join the retreat but I'm living in Thailand.
Anyway, thanks for this vdo. It supports my decision which I'm glad that I did it!
Sorry for the question,if it's too personal you don't need to answer it. But if you don't mind to share it, pls answer me,did you communicated to him that for you it was enough or just stopped replying to him? I have a similar issue this is why I'm asking it :)
@@klaudiakovacs6292 "busy" is a curse word. Check Kev Hick channel. Jeez almight. This Mathew is too Vanilla. He teaches women to be placeholders. Probably that's why he became so popular. Never straight to the point.
Absolutely helpful video. Thnks so much 4 clarifying things. Bad texting is becomin sumthin of a Debate with most men these days. But it basically shows Inconsistencies n How little effort they put into the most basic of communication. Thanks again Matthew!
This is GOLD Matthew, thanks!
got my answer! exactly what i needed to hear! he's DONE for me ,not gonna even bother to tell him anything
Everything I’ve ever wanted to say about this topic 😂he is saying in a PERFECT way. Thank you for your videos you communicate hard topics with ease and understanding.😊
spot on ! valuable insight ! much appreciated ! 👍🏻
*Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.*
Giving the same energy that you're getting
is key
and if you don't like that energy
then move on.
It can be hard
but that's when you need to choose yourself
over the fantasy.
A man who loves a woman will not ignore her, period.
So...
If he ignores me
I will step back
and he will lose me.
I don’t play any of these childish-abusive-controlling
mind games.
I will only be with a man who values and appreciates me,
and treats me as the Queen, I AM.
Because I am a beautiful and kind and sexy and wise and magical woman:
who knows my worth.
Period.
All we have to do is plant the seed.
Just plant the seed and remain in gratitude.
And don't think about it all the time.
That obsessing about it is what pushes it away.
Like when we plant a garden...
We KNOW that if the seeds are left alone (other than watering)
they will sprout and take root. We don't need to dig them up every day
to see if they've sprouted yet. (Doing that would kill them!)
Updating your RAS (reticular activating system)
which is the filtering net of incoming stimuli,
allows you to shift at what
and where: you are looking...
Updating the RAS shifts your consciousness...
I came across a Spanish style home...
I dreamt every night of my new home,
walking from room to room...
This went on for 4 months.
Price dropped 3 times.
Long story short
everything came through!
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Bring yourself back to the present.
No matter how simple or silly, think about why you are grateful.
It could be a warm comfy blanket, it could be heat
and being protected from the elements,
or even food! Take a few moments to be grateful for 3 things.
We sometimes forget we get to choose what we focus on.
Bringing yourself back to the present now moment
helps us through tumultuous times...
When the Bible was being edited by the Pharisee and Sanhedrin,
who later took the titles: Pope and the Council of Cardinals...
They deliberately broke the Lord's prayer.
Recognize that the Father wants a personal relationship with you,
and he desires that you want one with him.
That means...
You have your part in this!
Do!
Your!
Part!
So...
When you pray to the Father, remember:
the words are for you to build a vision with him.
In essence: Tell-A-Vision: to the Father.
Let him see it all: in your mind.
(100-dollar bills
raining down,
a pile like autumn leaves...
Me: hand-in-hand
with my beloved twin-flame,
running around,
kicking them
and laughing.
WOW!)
1) I'm a powerful magnet for financial abundance
2) I'm in love with myself and my life
3) I'm constantly and consistently receiving abundant amounts of money
4) I'm aligned with the vibration and frequency and tune: of LOVE
5) I'm grateful for the wealth and health that always flow into my life
Be clear, get precise,
aim for accuracy
and FREQUENCY
(pun intended!).
Ask, believe, and receive.
Anger.
Let us deal with anger.
If you are angry about something that happened three weeks ago,
it's because you have a muscle in your stomach,
you know the one, that is a chemical junkie...
This muscle was present when that particular memory was created and stored.
And it calls out that chemical signature, and forces you to re-live that moment,
so it can feed, you have not been angry in a long time, you've been duped.
Bamboozled.
And now that you know, what are you going to do,
be fake angry?
As soon as you begin to feel angry about anything from the past...
Stop it! Just take a look around you, and know nothing happened to you NOW,
unless it actually did. And if it did, that's the only thing you can be truly angry about.
Faith is simply loyalty.
Loyalty to the fact that you asked,
loyalty to the fact that you believed.
Stay loyal, stay faithful, and you'll receive.
As for the judgement room that we have all heard of, well,
it may surprise you to learn that that room is in your head,
and it's running constantly...
Do not end your prayers with 'Amen'.
To you, this has always meant the prayer has ended.
And in that, you're right. It's over.
End your prayers, instead, with: So Be It.
This way the energy of the prayer, moves with you,
into the eternal now...
Tremendous way to finish at night,
before bed!
Thank you my creator, my ancestors,
and all the angelic benevolent holy beings,
for making me a believer!
I'm loving my life and its sacred unfolding!
Blessings to all!
Peace!
Totally agree Dear Matthew! Thanks again! Blessings!
You explain things so well 💗 thank you
Perfect timing, Matthew... Thank you very much.
Thank you so much, Matthew, thank you for so many videos and advice! I've been watching your videos for 5 years and I still get inspired from you!! Thanks so much and greetings from Macau!