Swiping left on bias: Dating with a disability | Julie Andrieu | TEDxHECParis
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 1 ต.ค. 2024
- Hear Julie Andrieu talk about her experiences with dating, and relationships as a person with a disability. Julie joined HEC in 2017 in the Grande École programme, where she is currently a Finance major.
She interned in banks and hedge funds such as JP Morgan, BNP Paribas or Chenavari and her goal is to become a trader after graduation.
She's an ambassador for a charity raising money for research in the field of rare diseases, as she herself suffers from Spinal Muscular Atrophy. She's been a wheelchair user since childhood and wishes to raise awareness around various disability-related issues. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
My friend is an OkCupid Moderator, and not to take away from your plight, but unfortunately your conversation situations aren't rare. I'm sure its even harder for you, but I do fear for all women on there. Those apps are full of guys who are well, let's call them 'socially inept'. I've seen several conversations which are literally "hi" , "What do you do for work" and then straight in with "do you do a**l"
unbelievable.
So you’re saying that socially inept people are dangerous freaks and should not be avoided. Worse than actual dangerous people out there… wow 😮
As someone with a disability I get this
I'm sorry if this is a rude question, but in regards to those hookup apps, isn't it better to get that question out in the open quickly? Because if that is what the able-bodied person is seeking, and the answer is no, then exchanging messages for days or weeks, and going on a couple of dates, only to find out that intimacy is not an option-- that seems unfair, and lacking in transparency. Even as an able-bodied person, I prefer to know if the one I'm messaging is really hot to trot when I'm not, or vice versa. It just clears the air and enables us to see very quickly if we are on the same page or not. I find that aspect of online dating very refreshing
Disability, for the umpteen BILLIONTH time is NOT all "white sticks and ruddy wheelchairs"! What about stuff like far more severe MISOPHONIA and severe HEAT intolerance? What if you can't even DREAM of going out on any fancy dates because you can't go to any venues because all the appalling NOISE in such insane places? eh? Remember ALL disabled MATTER!
I am a 31 year old man, and ì have been single my whole life... I have a brain injury since age 4 I got hit by a car, its awfully lonely... and I can walk
I’m so sorry you experienced this and the loneliness that accompanies it. I became disabled at 25 (32 now) and can walk a limited amount and worked hard to get out of the wheelchair after my accident. It is extremely lonely 😢 but I’ve a fighting spirit and am resilient, and guess you are too. Sending love
I really feel for her on the disrespect she receives due to her disability.
However when it comes to dating, All men and women have their own preferences and/or requirements, and we are all entitled to have them.
However, none of us are entitled to other people’s attraction. If we do not fit the preferences of another person, we have no right to negotiate them. It is just time to look elsewhere.
No matter what anyone says, appearance will always spark initial attraction, and our appearance will dictate how much attention we get in the dating market.
For those of us who struggle, it’s on us to improve what we can change, and adopt a healthy but realistic mindset on what we can’t. It is a fruitless endeavor to try to convince the world to accept you as attractive. It is only up to you to love yourself.
TL;DR: Do not try to change the world, try to change your mindset.
100% agree. Don't force love, or attraction onto someone just because you struggle with dating
Anyone with a sense of entitlement for love is setting up for catastrophe
Brilliant talk! I can totally relate to everything you have said. Thank you for bringing these subjects to the forefront 😊
Always feel like dating apps are like knives. Depend on how you use it.
You can use it to cook meals make you feel happy, but it could also hurt yourself or hurt others..
the uglier you are the more the chance of hurting yourself, uglier men will get more hurt than uglier women.
As someone with ASD it is definitely difficult even though I am exceptionally “high functioning”. The fear of being a burden is exceptionally difficult and haunting
I have autism as well
My beloved husband and I both on the spectrum.
ASD level 1 (both)
Former diagnosis: Asperger’s Syndrome (my husband)
Former diagnosis: High-Functioning Autistic Disorder (myself)
He’s my one true love, and we love every single thing about one another’s autism. He wouldn’t be my true love if he was one these typicals
@@maenad1231Beautiful story 😊 Thank you for sharing. I hope that someone comes along for me on hinge (I’m autistic too by the way)
I gave up because I don't want to have to prove myself. So I'm just off the market. It's ok.
I prefer to think of myself as challenged, not disabled, because I like to find the ways I can do things. It may be different than the general population, but it gets the job done.
Me too
The intent and objective of dating is to find someone to make a life with, to have a family with, to share a future with. You can be bitter all you want, but the Truth is not usually comfortable. Some disabilities are genetic. Why would anyone want to sign up for the likelihood or even good possibility of having offspring that are genetically damaged?!! It's not cruel to look out for the future needs of you and your children. It's an awful thing to be born disabled!! Many have so much to offer, but anyone considering dating someone has the right to know the potential.
@@Dimitris_Half no. I'm honest. The sickness remains with those who hate The Truth.
In the lollypop world we live in this appears to be a hard pill to swallow
@@Dimitris_Half that is what you created out of what I said. Your opinion is askewed.
@@sergiogracia8072 very true!
I understand it's frustrating when normal people assume less of you because we're being empathic. Nobody wants to hurt someone permanently in a wheelchair and it shouldn't be a surprise if we set the bar very low, because if we didn’t it would hurt disabled people.
This is just my opinion. Online dating apps should be avoided. Stop looking for someone, you will always end up finding the wrong person. Bars and Nightclubs are the worst places to “meet” people. Go about with your life and you will meet someone worth your time.
That won't work. Most people ignore disabled people because they are uncomfortable around us and think they are bothering us. First they stare, because they're puzzled that we exist. Then when we make eye contact they pretend to be looking elsewhere.
but with if you don't?
@@brago1997 then, you’re going about your life. “What if” is an infinitely deep hole of nothing. You can “what if” everything in life. See where that takes you.
Good advice. It can be frightening to end being forever alone, but actually it is a WAY better sin than ending in an abusive/toxic relationship. Protect your peace.
@@whispercat56235 being alone is in our imagination. It’s not a reality
Wow
Julie, you are brave, lovely person! I pray you will have all your dreams come thru! You deserve all of it, love included.
There is a person out there for you! Chin up😚
Thanks for sharing. I have conditions too along with aspergers. Life has been in constant flux. Despite all the challenges, it's very important to me whenver I get off balance is to refocus my attention to striving to be the best version of myself. I'm in that stage of my life that it's very important to have a positive mindset and to surround myself with like minded / supportive people.
From the sound of it I'm somewhat in the same place. In my case Asperger's and a generalized anxiety disorder, likely along with other undiagnosed things. I'm 31 now and never had a relationship despite really wanting one, even if I'm not sure I'd properly be able to. I too have become more aware of the need to feel (much) more positive about myself. I find this incredibly difficult but understand more than ever that it really is the most important thing in life. Good luck on your journey along it all.
She's like any ordinary person who does what many ordinary things. But dang i walk normal but i havent done some of what she already did.
Accessibility just about anywhere outside of america is inaccessible. All of Europe middle east Asia Africa south central america is inaccessible.
Why did no one laugh at her jokes? Lol dry crowd smh.
As a person with multiple sclerosis and cancer I must say she is crazy brave with a solid mental. Iam still struggling to achieve that level of self confidence. Bravo to her 👏 !
Julie, I am living with a mild case of cerebral palsy independently and so many of your struggles are mine. I am able to be physically more independent and get myself out of bed and cook, and clean, so that I don't need a carer very often. But thank you for coming forward and talking about these things. I intend to do the same thing, on a much smaller scale as soon as I can and have time to do it properly. I'm already starting a TH-cam channel, but I'm not quite there yet. Love and blessings to you!
Me too!
I bet she rejects every man below the average of 8/10 LOL
I hope you’re not saying 8 is the average for most men
The problem is that when you are disabled, most men don't expect you to have standards.I don't date someone based on their looks but however your character/personality or the way you choose to approach me, will make me reject you instantly.
The greater the testing , the greater the blessing !!! $32,000 weekly profit Our lord Jesus have lifted up my Life!!!
@Alice McGregor I earn from investing in the digital market with the guidance of Mrs Olivia Renae Marks Brokerage services...
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Mrs Olivia Renae Marks services is the best, I got a brand new Lambo last week and paid off my mortgage loan thanks to her wonderful services!
Olivia Renae Marks trading services is God sent, she is well know for her good personality and successful trading services here in Mexico.
@@davisgerald2980 Wow wow please is there a way to reach there services, I work 3 jobs and trying to pay off my students loan for a while now!! Please help me
Thank you Julie for sharing your experience and perspectives with us. I have a physical disability and instead of bravely putting myself out there, I avoid it. But if you can do it so can I. Much love to you. I hope some potential dates reach out to you after watching your presentation. We all do deserve love. ❤
I want to say that Julie is very brave to put herself out there. I think she's amazing and I know she'll be a trader...This is a good experience listening to her POV. Biases are limiting ...Julie shows what you miss from them....best to you Julie!
You missed the point, do you really think it so very brave to do a TED talk like ANYONE ELSE!? As a Disabled person this is so irritating to do an entire talk about the abilism of false perceptions of the disabled and then you go ahead and comment one.
@@aellaaskew4263 I think you're misguided here. A lot of people find giving talks like this nerve-wracking and as someone with a visible disability, it's easy to imagine why putting oneself out there could be even more nerve-wracking. Alfred left a nice comment.
But Bumble, Tinder are usually apps where men look for hookups.
Although I’m not in a wheelchair, I have cerebral palsy and I can identify with this.
Oh no, no one told her that "dating app" is a euphemism
Uhh... It's biased to ask a disabled person whether or not they're able to do a particular thing? Jesus
Sorry, nope. All bets are off when it comes to relationships because who you get into one is very important. People are way too entitled these days. She, nor anyone else, is entitled to the love of anyone else.
@@roslynhawkins1475 yeah I mean it sucks for her, I'm sure it's extremely frustrating, but I mean why shame people for instinctively preferring the good genetics in a partner... that's not something that's controllable
I am a man with a disability . I have ataxia . I was born with brain cancer and the surgery really messed things up . I am having a very hard time finding a girlfriend . I would like to be married one day despite all the horrible things circulating the internet and to a degree it is all true but I am somebody that places a lot of value on marriage . I am not giving up despite years of trying . I have been in the dating market since I was probably 15 . I am 32 now . I have only had like 5 girlfriends but I am starting to learn about relationships . I do not count a failed relationship as a loss but a learning opportunity . When my second girlfriend left me I was devastated but it also encouraged me to do some research to see how I could improve my next relationship . There is a lot of horrible advice out there but there is some good advice and I guess that is how you can tell it is good advice because it is not everywhere .
One thing that I do find annoying is when you are talking to somebody and the first question that they ask what my job is .
❤
I'm 34 years though I'm not disable
It’s not a bias it’s a preference .
@@DredZach how is this irrational or unjustified. If anything, is very rational and justified.
Brain fracture at 13, I touched my brain
Disability is not inability, and thus is how we both should have it in mind.
Very nice talk! Thanks for sharing your views with us, Julie. I think I've learnt something important tonight :)
It's about matching up eachothers abilities and desires, wants.
I feel a important thing is we don't even know the person we are seeing has a disability.
Depends what love you want, I will give love to anyone but of course I'm not about to risk the bloodline of my family. Not a risk I'm willing to take.
Nobody asked you to.
She is being super judgy just first few seconds in 😂😂 .....
Wheel a mile in her chair and then say that
How, ableist
How is she being super “judgy” ? Wtf
@@Dimitris_Half I believe he's an ableist
@@melaninmonroeeee they're ableist
Ive given up on even trying to date. As a guy in a chair whos fairly good looking, well dressed and completely independant i cant even get a number nevermind a date.
Hello I'm 34 I'm looking for a man though I'm not disable
Keep trying, you never know. The world is becoming more inclusive nowadays.
@@The315fan 🤣
15%....
This is one of the best Tedx talks ever! I watch these often but this one blew the top off! Thank you very much, Julie!
(What a beautiful lady.) ALthough , I would never want to find anyone on a tech app for dating. To each his or her on. I also have a beautiful adopted mentality challenged daughter, she is a blessing. She has learned so many things and is so smart after being brought up in a drugged addicted, incestuous family. SHE GROWS GARDENS, SHE LOVES NATURE, BECAUSE I TOOK THE TIME TO TEACH HER ABOUT NATURE FOR FREE, ALSO SCHOOLING. SO ARE YOU, MISS. (IT IS THEIR LOSS.) COURAGE AND HAVE FUN.
Honestly people put too much value on romantic love specifically. It really is unfortunate, but also undeniable that the majority of healthy able-bodied people are exclusively searching for other healthy able-bodied people as romantic partners. If you’re physically disabled, and you only seek out that type of love, you’re going to feel very unloved. Once you realize that familial and non-romantic love is just as valuable you’ll feel much more fulfilled in life.
Facts bro..if someone healthy married her the kids could have the same problems. When disabled children are born I blame the parents..for not even checking to see the compatibility of bloodlines. Poeple forget but certain bloodlines are not supposed to mix...
@@Dimitris_Half im just stating facts...it doesn't take much effort to see if both poeple share the same blood type...
@@Blake-ld7mx What are you talking about? I get that some people have hereditary diseases, and i agree that if such parents have children, the parents are to blame. But i don´t get what you mean by "bloodlines".
@@Omega0850 it's common sense man...poeple just aren't taught about it anymore..
@@Omega0850 I tried to explain it better but the untouchables removed my comment...when they follow and maintain their bloodlines forcing us into a melting pot smh
Love you💞💞💞
Wow look in God
What a brave honesty!
Unique.
Woman with disabilities have 100000% more chance to find a match than man with disabilities. Who is cruel? Man or woman ?😂
a nice girl and a good lover❤
Джули,я присоединяюсь к вашим словам🤝 К сожалению,в последнее время появились проблемы похуже - инвалидам предлагают эвтаназию,чтобы они обузой не были. Я шокирована деградацией "здоровых" людей
Eventually we will be able to stop dividing people with labels, identities, and bias. One day we will all be human beings worth respect and dignity. Till that day I'm sorry to say we all suffer each other together.
Julie you're an awesome person and I'm glad you were comfortable sharing with us your experiences.
That was a very touching story. What a new perspective
p
I can understand her frustration with the dating world but many people are frustrated with the dating world. Why does she feel entitled to a romantic relationship with someone who isn't disabled? No one is entitled to a romantic relationship. Not many able bodied people are going to get into a relationship with someone who is disabled because they don't have much in common and do not want to have to end up being a caretaker. That's their prerogative. A possible to solution is for disabled people who want to date and marry, find fellow disabled people who want to date and marry.
Hmm... I agree to some extend. But to say that "they don't have much in common" is kinda condescending. I have a disability myself and use a wheelchair, and therefore i know alot of people in the same situation. Some of them are in romantic relationships, and some of them with people who are not disabled.
@@KrisIan93 I also have a disability so I'm speaking from that side of the fence. When people enter into romantic relationships, they look for important commonalities because without commonalities, what's the point of the relationship? What bothers me here is that she is speaking as if she's insulted or bothered by someone's personal decision not to or to get romantically involved with her. I find that as we move forward in time, many people have adopted this attitude of you must accept me and like me for who I am no matter how you feel. That's not reality-based and the person who feels this way will continually get their feelings hurt.
@@roslynhawkins1475 It’s a very conscious decision to date, or not date, somebody with a disability. I think about my future children and the health of their mother.
I was fully on love with a man in a wheelchair. And I’m a Barbie- some of us love who the person really is. He betrayed me- men are still men
Or just shut up
"bias dating"
If I want chicken nugget that has an opinion I'll ask Monsanto to work with McDonalds.
At least I get sauce with that.
bro
@@EnderTrev5 What's your favorite sauce?
what u said was out of pocket but I like sweet chili
@@EnderTrev5 I like honey mustard myself but i think BBQ is sweet too, can't go wrong with Ketchup.
@@EnderTrev5 btw how do you have a pepe pfp but are so milquetoast?
🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍
Wow, she's really cool and interesting to listen to. Loved this, thanks for sharing!
God bless and protect!😍
You are beautiful don't listen to anyone
She's not beautiful. Lying about that doesn't make you a good person.
I would like to learn more.
I love this! I think dropping biases and preconceived notions transcends beyond a person’s disability. I think people should do the same when encountering people overall. People meet others and place people in a box based on what they see. It’s unfortunate that this happens! I thank you Julie because this Ted Talk topic is extremely important.
I agree with you. But need to point out that there are two types of bias: founded bias, and unfounded bias. And they are near opposites. It's really funny in a way because this misunderstanding is itself an unfounded bias. lols
It's like how the word "agenda" has a negative connotation, when an agenda is simply a list of things a person wants to accomplish. It is neither intrinsically positive nor negative.
I'm disabled but not by birth I have a mental condition from stuff I did when I got hurt in the Army
My disability is mental
If she can’t put out I’m not interested
She should find somebody that is asexual and/or is a furry.
Anyone _can_ put out. The question is, will they? In a way that makes you feel happy and satisfied? Because getting done like the laundry sucks.
It isn't important if you abled or disabled! Everyone is human and deserved have a love partner at least!:)
I'm 30 and look perfectly fine and have friends and am tallish and white and male and well traveled and literally have never been in a relationship....so imagine how untrue your statement is for a huge number of people who have disadvantages compared to me? Get real...
Sometimes I feel it is in us to look for a partner without disabilities because you want a healthy family. Like looking for a partner with all their teeth, no mental illness, and so on. It may sound mean though, but it is true. There are people out there who will date someone with disabilities.
@@orangeyewglad This World is fantastically huge that everyone can find his (only his own) half if he (she) wanna to find it!:)Disabled can find the same disabled at least and have happiness and love!
@@mystiquesaura5088 Everyone wanna healthy family and healthy and beautiful partner and kids!But....if you search love this way , you never find it!If it is really love you fall in love in person wich in any health condition and age!:)
@@Arcticstranger1971 nop. Not true. You can actually find that very easy
We all (me included ) are way too harsh and salvage with each other! We are we going to learn our purpose of being humans?
The men find geatest power and to be best activity for regeneration of herself and give faith to others!Blessing&Lov❤️e🌏😍
Very inspirational!
It's about averages, by saying that you are not average then the question arises, 'What are you/we capable of ?'
Thank you 🙏🏻
As i disabled person, everything she says is true about dating. People thinks about us as a huge burden.
Ok...I can understand how you may feel about that, but I'm sure you know that people have the right to what they want. If disabled people feel left out, date other disabled people. You'll have alot more in common.
@Roslyn Hawkins On average, it's hard to meet other disabled people too. They are not many of us.
@@disabledbabe Julie actually said 15% of the word's population has a disability. Of course, this is not such a meaningful fact because this does not take into account all the degrees of disabilities, but still 15% is a large proportion.
@debbie_bae A large portion of disabled people are old or older and 15% scattered all over the world doesn't present the opportunity to meet younger disabled individuals like myself.
Veggie Tales irl 💀
I've found my fiance on dating app, we hope to get maried next year.
Wow good luck
nah, no app wanted.
dont date.
She beautiful
She's not beautiful. Lying about that doesn't make you a good person.
@@Deathbyhampster im asian,so for me white people are more attractive base from my eyes look.
One of my dearest friends on this earth, Saeed Zaroori has muscular dystrophy. He's 36 and almost lost all of his abilities for movement. I'd give anything, ANYTHING to be his girlfriend or marry him!!! His surname, "Zaroori" LITERALLY means essential in Farsi and he IS the most important person in my life in my 31 years of living in this world!!! His an adventurer.
Does he know you feel this way about him? If not, you should tell him! Good luck and best wishes to you and Saeed 😍
@@paigeb1318 He does know actually. But um... seems like it's a one way feeling ❤🩹😅 He doesn't love me romantically, but he cares about me so much. That's ok for me 🥺🥺🥺 But who knows? Maybe one day 😍😍😍
@@paigeb1318 By the way he also had a speech in TEDx Talks too. You can search his name Saeed Zaroori on this very channel. Of course he's speaking in Farsi, but... you know. If you're curious to know more about him ☺
@@negarella_ Thanks! I actually am curious, after all of the wonderful things you said about him. 😁 That's great that you have a close relationship, and I hope that it turns into something more. You seem really sweet, and you're very pretty, too, so I bet he'll come around! 😍💞
@@paigeb1318 that's really kind of you. Thank you ❤❤❤ Amen to that 🥺❤🙏🏻🥂
sry but I don't like when people paraphrase, how do I know you can paraphrase what actually happened, I don't believe people cuz many don't have the ability to see things clearly
Life is a struggle no matter what side of life your on. I am labeled disabled but not as severe as you. You are very secure in who you are , you will succeed please give yourself time. Your young and I have faith in you!
- Per the VICE video "Disabled Americans Are Punished for Getting Married", finding a partner isn't even the biggest problem.
- Even able-bodied people are having more and more trouble finding a partner these days; you'd think the Internet would be making it easier instead of harder. 🤦
Is the stream still available in vice?😊
Since men care only about looks and how a good looking woman make them look in public - disabled people are destined to be single, even when women get cancer which is not even a disability - men leave.
Hey, Fly & Shy
I hope that your're having a pleasant day / evening I wont lie that's tragically sad to hear.
@@FueledbyJohn Have a great day!
This would be true if only it weren't true. There are many disabled people in successful relationships. They're hard to come by, but quite frankly in comparison to the people I know who don't have disabilities, I wouldn't say they're too much harder to come by. One just (unfortunately) often has to go through a lot of ableism to find that person.
That’s just not the case. Sadly it seems you have experienced some negative experiences with Men but that is not representative of every man.
Just as woman are different men are too.
I wish you good fortune in finding a gentleman that has depth that will change your view. They are out there but it’s a two way thing.
Genuinely good luck having an experience that changes your view will change your world for the better
@@chrisbeauchamp5563 No, that's reality.
3 min, and im out
????
& 10 seconds you're done, How pitiful
@@catlord777x3 she is too abrasive and I see so are you
That the best you’ve got? Not an accomplishment by any stretch 😂
ok bye
Good On You. 👏👏👊👏
- the Sessions and Coming Home are Very Solid .. if not Incredible Films . dealing with this approximately similar topic.
Hello all honorable people 🙏😊 The way we are born and have a life is something that money can't buy. The encouragement in life is the same. Have a lot of encouragement in yourself. and good day will come to see us as we walk Go for that dream too. I'm rooting for everyone.🙏👁️
This chic needs to get herself on the UK dating show called Undateables. Its actually quite heartwarming
what a horrible name for a show!! She is not "undateable" - she is fantastic, intelligent, pretty and resiliant.
@@daniellaslon1774 I suggest you actually check the show out before you grab a pitchfork. You might learn something new, Like not to be so judgmental because you disagree with the name of a show even though it’s exactly on this topic. I didn’t name it, Society did that as we are knobheads.
That sense of being burdonsome on others is deadly to the sensitive in care of the insensitive.
She got a lot of interesting thoughts to consider. But this new culture of underrepresenting, of accepting by default is childish. Many people are offended in dating apps not depending on their abilities or disabilities. This girl probably looking an able partner but could not admit it too. You are going through a tough life, but noone owe you, so you have to take whaf you want or need
and nobody owes women respect or civility either just because she is a woman but the power women have is insane. Just by a word to a bouncer, HR or the cops she could ruin a mans life forever even if the accusation is not true in the slightest