"If you believe you can avert divorce by capitulating, yet again, and catering to her feelings because the alternative would be standing up to her, then you are sinning. You can't save your marriage by sinning against your marriage." This is such a rare message to hear in modern "churches!"
A proper apology contains three parts. 1. “I did xxxx, and it was wrong” 2. “So far as I am able, it will not happen again.” 3. “ As far as is reasonably possible, I will make it right”. Apologising for something that you did not do, or for something that was not wrong, is a lie. Taking responsibility for something that is not under your control, is a lie. Making restitution for a harm that you did not cause, is a lie. Lying and submission to blackmail do not make anything right. They only create conditions in which wrong continues.
Wow! As a strong willed (but hopefully godly) wife, I appreciate this immensely. I have long thought of my personality as a hurdle I must jump to get to the center of God's will for my life. On days I clear the hurdle, what joy! But, I still sometimes wonder, "Why won't he just apologize so we can move on?!" Now I understand the answer to be something like... because he shouldn't and I need to get over my extreme desire for *him* to cater to *me*. BIG thanks to this ministry!!! Helping marriages and lives submit more wholly to God!!
Wow, thank you Doug. As a former pastor who lived for 18 years exactly what you just described, I feel such a weight lifted from my shoulders hearing you acknowledge my pain. At the same time, I feel such remorse that I "lied" to my wife all those years by apologizing for things I didn't do, and letting her run the show. Ultimately, I need to own the fact that I allowed my wife to dominate me, and the marriage. I allowed her wants/happiness/feelings to sit upon the throne of our marriage instead of Jesus. The fact that my wife was having multiple secret adulterous affairs (while I was apologizing for things I hadn't done) hopefully serves as further proof to other men that women really aren't happy with a man that exists to validate their feelings anyway. I've discovered that Paul's command in Ephesians 5 to "agape your wives" often times necessitates saying no to her and her emotional manipulation.
This is 100% true. I was the man you described as the apologizer for perceived or felt, not actual wrongs. This did nothing to improve the peace in the home, but in fact made it worse. By God's grace, I was convicted of my cowardice and lack of willingness to stand firmly on God's word with kindness and love. Upon turning from this sin, the change was noticed and she left the marriage shortly thereafter. Separated a year now, but praying for God to intervene. There are many who say Jesus is Lord but do not do what He says nor hold to the authority of scripture. I was one of the many. I for one am grateful. Not for the loss or the heartache of separation, but for the firm foundation He has placed me on. I do hope this helps someone else who maybe going through something similar.
Same. And it was even enforced by the church. She sinned against me but I hurt her feelings by calling it out. Therefore I must humble myself and apologize....
Sadly some women just don't want a man! They want a subjegated slave who will do their bidding and sustain them. In my country the women call these men donkey's.
I just left a terrible relationship where there was constant conflict. The issue was, I was the only one apologizing throughout the relationship. I listened to the "Sin on Empathy" audio and it made realize I was being a coward and not a man. Apologizing just to keep the peace does not bring about true peace. We really need to let go of this "happy wife happy life" mindset. It's not scriptural at all.
This describes most of the marriages in my family. It is so sad to see the men in my family submit to their wives and then apologize when everything goes wrong after their wives make poor decisions.
@@conantheseptuagenarian3824 I had a fantastic mother. She drove me and my string bass to school, rehearsals, did the flash cards, and encouraged me to be a top student. She also taught me to be a good husband. While my wife's friends bitch and moan about their husbands not wanting to unload the dishwasher or sort clothes, I do that stuff without being asked. I'm a catch.
if my feelings are out of control...I WANT my godly husband to lead me...and help me be restored to proper behaviour...not cower and walk away. A man who doesn’t stand up to his wife (in the proper way of course)... cannot lead....Thank you for your commentary on this.
My wife came to me in repentance, now I must come to her in repentance over this. She is stepping down from the emotional sovereign, and I am repenting of be a liar. God bless your ministry Sir. You may have been a much needed tool used by God to break this sinful cycle of lovelessness and disrespect. Praise God through the Lord Jesus Christ!
Excellent name! Face Like a flint. Yes when Jesus knew it was his time to go to Jerusalem, to be sacrificed he turned his face like a flint to Jerusalem, in Isaiah 50:7 "Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame." and then Luke 9:51 "When the days drew near for him to be taken up, he set his face to go to Jerusalem." I have always thought these verses were connected,... thanks for reminding me by making your name ' face like a flint' I'm with ya brother
Amen! What of us, as Christian wives, wants fake apologies? If I do not know why my husband is apologizing, I will ask. Just because I'm upset does not mean that I need him to apologize. If I think he owes me an apology, I want to know that he understands why he is apologizing and that it is legitimate. And also, I want him to call me out if I'm not behaving correctly. I don't want to be married to a wimp.
This was so encouraging. I'm the man who wouldn't tell his wife what she wanted to hear or give into her sinful designs. A painful period of years which eventually cost me my marriage, but what grieved me the most was that the church leaders jettisoned Scripture as soon as it came into conflict with my wife and her feelings. Today that church has shut it's doors, cowering before the government. My hope is that the concerns Doug Wilson is raising here and on the Canon Press channel is shared as widely as possible with the pastors in the land -- they have a great culpability in the thousands of ruined marriages represented in Evangelicalism today.
@@diego67hd94 you don't know what you're talking about. This all happened long before Doug Wilson came on the scene for me and is something that other Christians have raised the alarm on (eg Edgington's "The Abusive Wife" book in 2015). It took till the 2020s but it finally looks like many in the church are waking up to just how wicked and destructive "Christian feminism" is. No one is righteous, not even one...who happens to go by the title Mrs.
@@diefenbakersown you have decided that your ex wife is to blame for the failure of the marriage. I don’t doubt that she would’ve played a part in it, but one should always start with one’s own failures and sins, for it is far easier to see the problem in someone else than in yourself.
@@diego67hd94 seeing as you already got the facts wrong in your first reply, I'd recommend you exercise extreme caution in the accusations you're ready to insinuate. Slander is a sin after all.
@@diefenbakersown quite right you are, and it’s quite possible that you were entirely blameless and sinless throughout your marriage, but in that case I would think you need not a saviour… once again, I’d encourage you to reflect on your own sins as I will on mine, we can only change our own behaviour in this life and not others
There have been several times when I apologized to my wife when she was upset to "keep the peace". I always had to convince myself that I was always in the wrong about her feelings and needed to "apologize and repent" for my sins. After seeing the initial posting, I've determined to not do that anymore, as Doug correctly states that I am sinning by doing so. My wife sometimes tells me that she does get upset with me about things, but realizes that I was telling the truth and was right about the situation. So, if I'm right (biblically speaking, not for my own selfish gain), then I have nothing to apologize for, even if my wife's emotions are hurt, all while striving to do so in love. And yes, there's a typo at 0:16 *wronged* not *wonged*
Many of us understand how this is wrong to do for our children - knowing that giving in to their tantrums will only spoil them and harm their psychology, but lose that principle with our wives due to loss of leadership and because the tantrum is more sophisticated.
I had to do this last night for the first time. The wife was offended that I told her I needed her smartphone to help our elderly neighbors fix their router and computers that had a DNS trojan. Me needing her phone caused an argument and words flew back and forth from both sides that weren't nice and we both showed our butts. Once I got home I promptly apologized for my portion of the name calling, as they were sin, they were wrong, and they were not reflecting me loving my wife as Christ loves the Church. However, she also wanted me to apologize for needing her phone and I flat out refused to do that. I see nothing biblically that would require me to apologize for saying "I need your phone because the neighbors don't have internet and I will need to lookup router configurations". Still tension today unfortunately.
Wow! Great commentary. This is one of the biggest problems in the body of Christ; namely, women ruling family life through their hurt feelings. Christian men, because they are encouraged in the church to abide by the notion "happy wife, happy life," end up trying to appease and molly-coddle immature wives. All one need do is notice the message of Mother's Day vs. Father's Day. Mother's Day the message is "all women are virtual saints." On Father's Day (if it is celebrated at all) the message is, "Men, you need to "man up" and get your spiritual act together." Most Evangelical pastors are far too intimidated by Christian women to ever correct ungodly female behavior.
Wow that is so true...I've been having some theologically talking points at happy with some women in my life and I'm not sure I like jumping in the shark tank! Hated or despised I will tell the truth...in love of course but not always
Thank you for demonstrating why the states that go along with this teaching, are the same states that lead the nation in divorce rates, and has been for nearly 5 decades. Of all the disgusting, and abusing messages Duggie has delivered, this is (so far) the most disgusting and abusing.
I am yet to be married, and God willing, I will be one day. I grew up in a house of women and learned very early on that women are wrong just as often as men are. Society today, however, seems to push the idea of “Happy wife, happy life.” Growing with God throughout my life taught me that Truth is Truth. Right is right and wrong is wrong. I will never apologize for something I didn’t do because that would violate truth and to me, would dishonor God. If someone seeks vengeance instead of repentance for something they do wrong then they’re not the one for me. Just be honest with each other and remember Christ’s salvation was a gift, it wasn’t a reward. You didn’t earn mercy so be humble before your husband or wife and repent of what you do to them. Because you aren’t just doing it to them, but also to Christ. May God bless those in marriage and growing relationships with humility, mercy, honor, virtue, and a love for Christ that exceeds the love for one another. For if you love God most then it WILL persevere. May Christ be praised forever. Amen.
Thank you brother for your continued bold stand on God's word. I love your dry sarcasm and irony, sometimes shared so quickly it takes me a few seconds to get it. Thank you for your excellent clear thinking and teaching on the Bible
I have never posted but have listened to your videos. 21 years ago my wife, after I said no to her, took my children and left. We were married before I was born again. She was raised Roman Catholic. Her number 1 stated goal was that I would be spiritual leader of our home. At 28 (1988) I heard the gospel for the first time in my life face to face and became a new creation (I asked the "super-christians I had grown up with why they had never shared Christ with me and their answer was that they assumed I was chosen for perdition, calvanism at its finest). I began to be head of house and very soon knew I was called in the ministry. Did I mention she was raised Catholic? By the local wizards of wisdom, I was told to not obey the Lord unless my wife was in total agreement, not just go along with but be in total agreement with. So after much prayer and with a large pay cut i went into the ministry, she left. And of course I was told I was disqualified for ministry. So really, she had the last say either way. For millions of men right now, they have one choice, lie. They love their children and know the court will give them to the mom (even an alcoholic, depressed, anorexic, woman with multiple suicide attempts and who is attracted to women-mom). They know they will lose everything: work, home, children, even his own family members take her side and believe what ever a wife going thru a divorce says. These men know that they will always be second class Christians once divorced, who are encouraged by the local "First - fill in the blank-of Somewhere USA Churchers" to come late, leave early and be sure to tithe, becoming the pariah, because "he failed at his marriage he can't be trusted to be good for really anything here at the church, too bad. These men will be told that they are to blame for the failed marriage because it's the man's fault, women can't be the problem, at least that is what focus on the family says. So they lie, they lie to themselves, to their children and to their soon to be ex-wife because they are evil and immature and wrong? No because we as men have been made powerless in the home the moment she decides. Men lie because they know she is not a believer and will have men or women in the house around their children, having little or no imput and almost no access to their own children. Men lie because they know that she will use their children as a tool for her to get more money and as an emotional chip telling her children that "if your father loved you he would send you more money". Men lie to try to keep things from falling apart for one more day before she takes everything away with her that is valuable to you all the while she not caring, other than she knows it hurts and controls Yes men lie, but you would not know anything about that, and i am glad, I wish i was where you are...because once you have reached the end of the illusion and see clearly the choices, the truth is too hard and there is no hope in sight...
Ask any woman, faithful wife, what she thinks of her husband constantly or unnecessarily apologizing to her. She thinks him weak and sappy. A woman like this knows when she has been offended or transgressed against according to God’s commandments. Don’t belittle a woman nor forfeit your own dignity, men. Even if there are times to become undignified. It’s probably few and far between if you are loving your wife as you love your own body, on the daily.
I know a woman who put her husband out of the house and divorced him took kids and money when he repented. He was a good man and finally refused to let her rule the house with her opinions and feelings.
Smart woman. Hopefully, she will raise her sons to be a better man that her ex. And her daughters not to put up with crap from any man, especially one that believes in this abysmal teaching.
My husband doesn’t apologize if he’s right, sometimes even if he’s wrong. But he calls me out and doesn’t let me torture him with all my feelings. Which now after 16 years I’m glad. I’ve learned a better way.
Both wives and husbands need to own their sins and apologize to each other for when they are wrong. I don’t believe in apologizing to appease each other’s feelings. Mercy is my spiritual gift, and I used to apologize to keep the peace. It didn’t bode well for me. I no longer do it, and my husband appreciates that I only apologize when I am wrong.
Like a ball peen hammer between the eyes; hit home and now stunned. I'm just not sure how to walk this one out. Thank for putting this up here. Lot to think and pray about.
I don't understand the vitriolic response to this video: how can any Christian disagree with the ideas that we shouldn't repent when we haven't sinned and that no one (in this case, wives) should exalt their preferences to "the law of the home"? This should be completely uncontroversial among Christians. I can say the same thing about husbands: wives shouldn't repent when they haven't done anything wrong according to a Biblical worldview. And this would receive near universal applause because we live in a culture where "women are good" and "men are bad". I think the negative responses this video has received demonstrate the unbiblical bias against husbands in our culture.
It shouldn’t be controversial but Christian men are so terrified of the women’s lib movement that they’ll capitulate to even perceived offenses. Also, church attendance is lopsided between the genders: more women attend church and are more active than men are. Can’t upset the majority of your congregation and risk losing out on some tithing now can we?
And then there are those cases in which the roles are reversed (wife constantly apologizing for supposed wrongs in an effort to "keep the peace"). I presume the same principle applies. In my case (as the apologizing wife), what the Lord has shown me across 20+ years is that if I do a really in-depth analysis of what has just blown up, even though the presenting sin is my husband's (for which I somehow am required to apologize), it almost invariably happens that deeper reflection shows that I have contributed my own sin along the way to the current situation; and for that sin I can - indeed, surely should - repent and apologize / seek forgiveness. And over the years I've come to see my husband, more and more of the time, owning up to the things God thinks he should apologize for. Glory to God for the on-going demonstration of His grace in our growth and the redemption of what once was a certifiably toxic marriage.
Yes - he’s obviously not saying that men are never in the wrong. He is addressing common problem of ‘yes men’ (see also ‘happy wife, happy life’) who dishonorably sacrifice the truth and surrender their leadership responsibility on the principle of catering (to the point of being ruled by) to her emotions.
I understand your situation and as someone who suffered in that way, I can inagine what Pastor Wilson is saying would be triggering. There are donineering psycological abusers of both sexes unfortunately.
Yes, our brother Doug is right. Men need to step up to their role as real spiritual leaders of the house. Being a fake spiritual leader is a lie, and who is that lie being told to? You can fool yourself, but you can't fool God.
Needless to say the wife leaves with everything when she finds out her husband apologized for not correcting a domineering controlling usurping tin roof wife. Proverbs 21:9
A wife should never want her feelings to share the Throne with GOD'S WORD!! So True,,,, A Husband is The Head of his wife just as CHRIST is The Head of The Church Period! Unless a man abuses this authority in which case protecting the wife must be prioritized, his focus should be leading in keeping with GOD'S Will not his wife's never ending demands of him
Do not EVER apologize to ANYbody for something you DIDN'T do. I was once counselled to apologize to people that just randomly turned on me for something I didn't do and my pastor told me that I would be "overcoming evil with good" if I'd just go up and randomly say "I'm sorry for what I done to you...even though I don't know what it is..." That is absolutely TERRIBLE advice even though it was well meaning advice. If you know that you're innocent do NOT make yourself appear guilty for the sake of those that are in the wrong. By that logic, Jesus should've apologized to the Pharisees since he offended their sensibilities. Being right is not a sin.
Interesting that as a Christian man I came to these same conclusions just a year or two ago through both non-Christians and Christians, predominately in the “red pill” community. A woman is very beholden to living according by her “feelings” and not by logic or the truth of a situation. This is NOT a formula for a successful marriage if a man gives credence to it, that’s why husbands are the Head of our families and wives. The strong always lead the weak. Happy wife happy life will turn into a divorce in most cases.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. NOT Blessed are the peacekeepers for they shall be called the children of God.
I agree with you: the husband should treat his wife like the weaker vessel the Bible says she is and tread carefully with her emotions, sympathize with her, but stand firm on truth. After being with my wife for 20 years I feel like I'm almost there 🙂. The growth we've both experienced together makes it possible. If I were to try this when we were younger, I would have messed it up and hurt her to badly. Now that we're older it's possible and much healthier of a relationship. God is good!
I am not quite clear on what you mean. Does he feel bad for you for being wrong?? Is he coddling your wrong feelings?? The second seems barely different from aplologizing to you wrongly.
@@johnbreitmeier3268 No, it's clear to me. He is sympathising with/acknowledging her hurt feelings ("I hear you" might be a phrase he would use), but still stand firm on what he said or did. To label her feelings as "wrong" would probably inflame the situation, but to acknowledge them will help to defuse it. Acknowledgment of hurt feelings and keeping firm on the original action are quite separate and together don't constitute an unwarranted apology; quite the opposite in fact.
@@dumfriesspearhead7398 So you are telling her that she has a right to have hurt feelings when you have done nothing wrong??? That sure sounds like reinforcing improper behavior. Her feelings ARE wrong. It will just lead to her labeling anything you can show her is wrong as being "her feelings". I see that all the time. You wouldn't even use that logic with an Irish Setter. A child would be assumed to be more mature. Monnie up above says it has taken him 20 years to almost get communication with his wife right. You could learn most of the world's languages in that time period. Is Monnie stupid or is his wife moving the goalposts. Women are supposed to be the weaker vessel, not bat crap crazy. If you are both saying that women are biologically incapable of proper behavior, that is one of the most sexist and demeaning and silly things possible. It would mean they should not be allowed outside the house without a minder. Women are perfectly capable of proper behavior in business settings when being fired is a possibility. I have seen it. You get what you reward and encourage.
This is so thoughtfully put together. I used to think happy wife happy life, boy was I wrong. Couldn't be farther from the truth. A God fearing woman craves to be lead. Iron hanze has got to be the best allegory ever. Take the key out from under your mom's pillow boys, we've got work to do!
Thank God. Finally someone reasonable on the matter. I've been trying to explain this to people for the longest. I'm so tired of folks twisting the word of God to make the argument that you always have to apologize to keep the peace even if you're right, especially if the other person feels offended. This is especially true in a marriage, the men are told to always be apologizing to their wives, however the more you apologize the less they respect you as a man because the more apologies they get the more they believe they are right. That's an issue particularly with women because they almost always believe they're right anyway by default, so now top that with you apologizing to them all the time for things you don't need to apologize for, strengthening this terrible mindset? This is a recipe for disaster, especially in a marriage.
I struggle to apologize to my wife when I know I’ve done wrong. That’s more my struggle, than the other way around. I have never apologized to try to keep the peace, I actually run head first into war against her. People buy into the lie of “ happy wife happy life” not me.
So, if God thinks the man should apologize the man will think he should apologize. If the man does not think he should apologize, God does not think an apology is warranted. That’s fascinating and pretty convenient.
I take it to mean that the husband, once repented, will now refuse to allow the wife to rule through emotion. The wife may not easily accept that and the fights could ensue.
@@LtDeadeye That makes sense. Another possibility, inspired by your comment. The wife may view a repentant husband as weak, and try to exploit that perceived weakness.
Ehhhhhh, this seems to be slightly antagonistic. Almost at every argument I have, I can find a way that I was unloving to my wife. It may have been pride, being rude, not listening, etc....the list goes on and on. Then I'll try and see why she thinks I'm wrong. If she can convince me, ill apologize. Love defined in Eph 5 can be summed up as Paul does...to nourish/give whats needed for growth and cherish/protect. I have an extremely happy wife. Her happiness (as most women's is) comes from me loving Jesus and being submitted to Him. So yes, I believe in happy wife, happy life...happy just needs to be qualified in a Biblical and Godly way.
He never said “don’t apologize at all” just “don’t apologize for a perceived wrong that never was.” Pretty simple imo. If you were unloving to your wife then ya apologize for that
Also. This brings to Light other lies , self deception & my Disobedience To Our Lord & King. & His Word. That I've carried & permited. THE PHARISEE IN. ME. !!!!!
@@cynthiabrundidge4110 which is why many Nigerian women seek American men! Not all American women and Nigerian men treat their spouses poorly, but in both cases it has sadly become socially acceptable to do so.
It is absolutely true that many if not most wives (Christian or not) believe their feelings are sovereign. Although a husband should be sensitive to his wife's feelings, he should not surrender his God given place as the head of the family, which is what many, many Christ professing wives want. That is simply a fact.
A year after getting saved I decided to be a real spiritual leader in my home for the first time ever by cancelling porn and all things LGBT in our house (banning HBO, throwing out a hardcore pornographic novel, confiscating a New Age occult book, making a gentle rebuke to my wife for ironing our teenage son's long hair and encouraging him to look like a girl, clumsily taping several pages of scripture verses on the wall about the submission doctrine for husbands and wives) and my feminist wife couldn't tolerate it. She left, filed for divorce, and tried to judicially take the Christian children away from me a week later with frivolous and highly unethical court filings. It turned out it was one of the BEST decisions I ever made in my life. I got the younger kids back and now have a Christian home. We evicted Satan. No regrets. A saved man shouldn't be afraid to protect his home and SUBMIT to his master.
This world has things completely reversed. Adam was created by God (Genesis 2) with a purpose and mission to work and keep the garden and keep his commandments. Eve was created to be a unique companion to him (so he is not alone) and be a helper to assist him to fulfil his God given purpose. When Satan tempted Eve (Genesis 3) and before she submitted, Adam had a duty before that happened to lead her, instruct and even intervene so she did not break God's one commandment. Eve submitted to Satan's temptation (because the NT states she was deceived) and then Adam did nothing and submitted to Eve (and willingly and with no deception sinned). The order from sin is completely reversed from the divine order and places Satan at the top (not God) and Adam submitting to Eve. The New Testament further in many passages nails this created order down as the pattern for healthy, biblical God honoring marriages. Further more in Genesis 3: 16 God says about Eve's "Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.” and indicates Eve/women/wives will try and dominate their husbands and it is Adam/mans duty to rule and carry out our God given purpose.
Enlightening insights! My question would be what would stop a husband from justifying his corruptness if he feels God thinks he doesn’t need to apologize? What keeps him accountable to God and how will his wife know it?
The Word and the Spirit. If a husband is sinning against his wife he is sinning against God. All the wife needs to do is gently bring the verse from the Word and the Spirit will convict. If he remains unrepentant and the issue is serious then separation maybe in order. If it's just things like temper and the such then there are causative factors that are usually hidden. Once again the answer cannot be found in worldly wisdom such as work/money stress etc, those things don't wash as an excuse in a Christians life. A regenerated heart that communes with the Lord should always be able to come back to a place of peace. Marriages are tricky tricky things that the adversary has a whole bag of tricks he can pull the wool over people's eyes with. But if we always come back to the Word and the Spirit, the truth will always be made manifest. The Word and the Spirit!
@William Wallis Yes the elders maybe brought into marriage conflicts when separation is leading to divorce. What people don't understand these days is that as believers in the body we are accountable to the body for things such as divorce. Some people teach that divorce is not mandated and that Jesus closed the door on it. What He in fact did was close the door on no faults divorce which was common in the time by the people who were seeking to legally trap Him into speaking against the law. There is always fault and we are called as the body to recognize and act accordingly when someone is commiting a grievous sin, divorce and the causes are grievous and should not be swept under the carpet and the defilers should not be allowed to remain in our midsts unrepentant, it's a cancer. Previous to that radical step, counselling is an option.
In the situations you’re talking about, with the husband being a God honouring man then what should happen is for communication to be open about why the wife feels she needs an apology. If we put the same parameters on the wife as the husband and assume that she too loves God and seeks to honour Him then I would argue that there is more to the situation than her demanding an apology where none is given. This advise doesn’t go into the nuance of the situations and can be used by men to become defensive and controlling rather than trying to help the wife find the root cause of her feelings. God cares about both in the scenario. Both the wife who feels she is owed an apology and the man from whom an apology might not be warranted. If there is a situation where the wife is controlling and domineering and the dictator in the household then there is a whole different relationship issue that needs to be addressed, just like you said about if the husband is abusive it’s a different situation.
"Unless God thinks you wonged her?" (Title in video.) I don't think we should wong anyone. However, there's much food for thought here. Proverbs 21:9 comes to mind.
I was watching this with an attitude that it was so very entertaining and vindicating. "Yeah! Why should a man apologize when he's done nothing wrong!? You tell 'em Doug! Tell those women that their feelings aren't an idol to be worshipped!" Then Doug called me a liar..... Ouch! Time to look in the mirror, I guess.
Yes but you are a human and will never know for sure what God is thinking…we are human and prideful and can always make excuses…a husband that happens to comes up to a wife to make up after an argument did not sin…he showed her what a God fearing man looks like.
This is an attempt to cram 5 similar, but ultimately separate, topics into one directive: 1) what “God thinks” is made up of the Biblical directives, your personal relationship/prayer life, and the feedback from your surroundings 2) hierarchy of marriage 3) cultural issues that have influenced modern marriage 4) when to and not to take responsibility for an action 5) how to manage the sensitivity of your wife. With the way this video combines so many points, I think it has a chance to do more harm than good.
Question? Are calvinist calling God a liar? Please look at the gospel 1 Corinthians 15:1-4 , it says if you keep in memory and believe the gospel you will be saved. If limited atonement is true? Does this mean the unsaved with unbelief are believing truth that God did not die for them, and do calvinist believe God is lying by saying he did die for them?
? Normally it is pretty obvious what assumptions someone is reading into a text to make it say something against Calvinism, but I'm stumped at this one. Where is the contradiction? "Now I would remind you, *brothers,* of the gospel I preached to you, which you received, in which you stand, and by which you are being saved, if you hold fast to the word I preached to you-unless you believed in vain. For I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received: that Christ died for our sins in accordance with the Scriptures, 4 that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures,..." Calvinists believe God only died for the brothers and sisters in the faith (a.k.a. believers). You cite a passage where Paul explicitly addresses believers and says Christ died for them. Where is the contradiction? The verse accords with our beliefs. To contradict Calvinism, you need a verse that explicitly shows someone being saved apart from Christ's atonement, or show someone who is explicitly said to have been atoned for not actually being saved.
Who is the liar? Those who do not believe Christ died for them and are not saved by the gospel because of unbelief. Who is the liar, did Christ die for them or not? If not , why are they punished for unbelief?? How can God get away with this lie if God can not lie? There is only one answer, Christ died for all
@@larrygribaudo1092 _"Who is the liar?"_ I guess the non-Calvinist is the liar as they are making assertions without knowledge that don't bear resemblance to reality. This passage doesn't speak of any liar. Or is there some specific Calvinist belief that you can cite that you think this verse contradicts? _"Those who do not believe Christ died for them and are not saved by the gospel because of unbelief."_ That's not a Calvinist or Biblical viewpoint. Their unbelief doesn't cause them to not be saved. Rather, all of humanity is already in a state of condemnation and God chooses to show mercy to some. All are unbelievers until God gives them spiritual life. _"Who is the liar, did Christ die for them or not?"_ Christ died for some liars. _"If not , why are they punished for unbelief??"_ That's not a Calvinist position. The liar is punished for their lies, the murderer for their murder, the adulterer for their adultery, etc. _"How can God get away with this lie if God can not lie?"_ What lie are you accusing God of? Your flow of thoughts is incredibly hard to follow. _"There is only one answer, Christ died for all"_ Do you have anything beyond mere assertion to back that up? Like a passage in the Bible that explicitly states that? How does it follow from anything you said?
Everyone in the USA needs the only God and angels to sharply increase the perception that the wicked are obviously image bearers of the only God and are not simply comparable to vermin that needs to be eradicated by the only God, the only God is just regardless of perception must be true, everyone here does need this perception to sharply increase in being obvious but it does need to be remembered that there actually is no injustice on the part of the only God in heaven, the devil needs to love and trust that there is no injustice from the only God, maintained resistance toward this from the devil who needs to not be worshiped is actually insanely dumb objectively, he does actually need to be sufficiently harassed by both wicked and righteous men remains evident for everyone’s best outcome, the only God must be worshiped by both wicked and righteous men for everyone’s best outcome.
My wife knew when we were dating that my expectation was that I would work and she would stay home with the kids. She would not have wanted it any other way.
Reminds me of what an old boy used to say. He was a bit twisted and not a Christian but he use to say "never apologize to your wife because if you do it's all over" A non believers unloving solution to the same problem, just never say sorry at all.
I wish you had given some examples of what that looks like (a husband apologizing to his wife when God doesn't think he wronged her).... I feel like I came in on the 2nd or 3rd video on this subject :)
Good video. But please address husbands who daily emotionally abuse their wives and the effect it has on the wives. No hitting, no porn, no adultery, etc. Just the everyday poison and rejection of passive-aggressive craziness. This actually turns into physical abuse in the wives because of resulting auto immune diseases, heart problems, depression, cancer, etc. Yet...he calls himself a Christian, has a great image and is not breaking bones and blackening eyes. Only committing soul murder. Such is covert abuse. These men won’t repent or take responsibility for their sin. Guilt? Non existent, as the blame-shifting goes on ad nauseum. It is true some women do take the Queen Bee stance, and in that case, bravo counsel here.
Shouldn't we all only apologize if we did wrong? This goes without saying. Maybe I am missing something. But all of us should apologize if we know God wants us to and if we did not do wrong we don't. It really is simple. There is an epidemic if weak men. Sad really it is. It's good for both to be strong in their faith.
Enjoying this episode? Check out Doug's book Reforming Marriage here:
canonpress.com/products/reforming-marriage-gospel-living-for-couples/
Absolutely LOVE *Reforming Marriage* from the first time of reading nearly 20 years ago!
@@josiew3120 Same here! I am currently doing a study through it with some of the men in my family.
Says "Wonged" instead of "Wronged" at 0:15. No big deal...
This book led to my divorce
@@patriagirl7674 why?
"If you believe you can avert divorce by capitulating, yet again, and catering to her feelings because the alternative would be standing up to her, then you are sinning. You can't save your marriage by sinning against your marriage." This is such a rare message to hear in modern "churches!"
A proper apology contains three parts.
1. “I did xxxx, and it was wrong”
2. “So far as I am able, it will not happen again.”
3. “ As far as is reasonably possible, I will make it right”.
Apologising for something that you did not do, or for something that was not wrong, is a lie.
Taking responsibility for something that is not under your control, is a lie.
Making restitution for a harm that you did not cause, is a lie.
Lying and submission to blackmail do not make anything right. They only create conditions in which wrong continues.
Wow! As a strong willed (but hopefully godly) wife, I appreciate this immensely. I have long thought of my personality as a hurdle I must jump to get to the center of God's will for my life. On days I clear the hurdle, what joy! But, I still sometimes wonder, "Why won't he just apologize so we can move on?!" Now I understand the answer to be something like... because he shouldn't and I need to get over my extreme desire for *him* to cater to *me*. BIG thanks to this ministry!!! Helping marriages and lives submit more wholly to God!!
Wow, thank you Doug. As a former pastor who lived for 18 years exactly what you just described, I feel such a weight lifted from my shoulders hearing you acknowledge my pain. At the same time, I feel such remorse that I "lied" to my wife all those years by apologizing for things I didn't do, and letting her run the show. Ultimately, I need to own the fact that I allowed my wife to dominate me, and the marriage. I allowed her wants/happiness/feelings to sit upon the throne of our marriage instead of Jesus.
The fact that my wife was having multiple secret adulterous affairs (while I was apologizing for things I hadn't done) hopefully serves as further proof to other men that women really aren't happy with a man that exists to validate their feelings anyway. I've discovered that Paul's command in Ephesians 5 to "agape your wives" often times necessitates saying no to her and her emotional manipulation.
Wow, very good comment. I hope many young men see your example here and learn from it.
This is 100% true. I was the man you described as the apologizer for perceived or felt, not actual wrongs. This did nothing to improve the peace in the home, but in fact made it worse. By God's grace, I was convicted of my cowardice and lack of willingness to stand firmly on God's word with kindness and love. Upon turning from this sin, the change was noticed and she left the marriage shortly thereafter. Separated a year now, but praying for God to intervene. There are many who say Jesus is Lord but do not do what He says nor hold to the authority of scripture. I was one of the many. I for one am grateful. Not for the loss or the heartache of separation, but for the firm foundation He has placed me on. I do hope this helps someone else who maybe going through something similar.
Same. And it was even enforced by the church. She sinned against me but I hurt her feelings by calling it out. Therefore I must humble myself and apologize....
Men have been indoctrinated by women and their gynocentrism for several generations now so its hard for men to see the light.
Sadly some women just don't want a man! They want a subjegated slave who will do their bidding and sustain them.
In my country the women call these men donkey's.
@@greenghost6416 The Jezebel spirit is running rampant everywhere.
I just left a terrible relationship where there was constant conflict. The issue was, I was the only one apologizing throughout the relationship. I listened to the "Sin on Empathy" audio and it made realize I was being a coward and not a man. Apologizing just to keep the peace does not bring about true peace. We really need to let go of this "happy wife happy life" mindset. It's not scriptural at all.
This describes most of the marriages in my family. It is so sad to see the men in my family submit to their wives and then apologize when everything goes wrong after their wives make poor decisions.
Yes, women want the authority and you to have the responsibility.
If the women in your family had been like my mother, there would have been no bad decisions.
@@kentfrederick8929 i'm sorry you didn't have a mother.
@@conantheseptuagenarian3824 I had a fantastic mother. She drove me and my string bass to school, rehearsals, did the flash cards, and encouraged me to be a top student.
She also taught me to be a good husband. While my wife's friends bitch and moan about their husbands not wanting to unload the dishwasher or sort clothes, I do that stuff without being asked. I'm a catch.
@@grantarmbruster6591 My wife has the authority and the responsibility. She works, and I'm the stay-at-home father.
if my feelings are out of control...I WANT my godly husband to lead me...and help me be restored to proper behaviour...not cower and walk away. A man who doesn’t stand up to his wife (in the proper way of course)... cannot lead....Thank you for your commentary on this.
My wife came to me in repentance, now I must come to her in repentance over this. She is stepping down from the emotional sovereign, and I am repenting of be a liar. God bless your ministry Sir. You may have been a much needed tool used by God to break this sinful cycle of lovelessness and disrespect. Praise God through the Lord Jesus Christ!
Excellent name! Face Like a flint. Yes when Jesus knew it was his time to go to Jerusalem, to be sacrificed he turned his face like a flint to Jerusalem, in Isaiah 50:7 "Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame." and then Luke 9:51 "When the days drew near for him to be taken up, he set his face to go to Jerusalem." I have always thought these verses were connected,... thanks for reminding me by making your name ' face like a flint' I'm with ya brother
Now make sweet love to her as God intended.
“Her feelings are sharing the throne with God’s Word.”
Love your keen wit!
People are not used to hearing The Truth.......amazing. Thanks, Doug.
Yes!!! Amazing points! More people need to hear this - Biblical, God centered and placed supreme, truth!
Every woman that actually appreciates biblical man is amen-ing 🙌
@@liza1565 🙏🏾❤️🙌🏾
Amen!
What of us, as Christian wives, wants fake apologies?
If I do not know why my husband is apologizing, I will ask. Just because I'm upset does not mean that I need him to apologize. If I think he owes me an apology, I want to know that he understands why he is apologizing and that it is legitimate. And also, I want him to call me out if I'm not behaving correctly. I don't want to be married to a wimp.
Stay strong in the Word of God guys. Most women will like it if you hold your ground, even if they won't admit it.
Sure they will......
I agree with that, John. When a man holds his ground in any situation it makes a woman feel safe and secure with him.
@@sarahsanzig5434 agreed
This was so encouraging. I'm the man who wouldn't tell his wife what she wanted to hear or give into her sinful designs. A painful period of years which eventually cost me my marriage, but what grieved me the most was that the church leaders jettisoned Scripture as soon as it came into conflict with my wife and her feelings. Today that church has shut it's doors, cowering before the government.
My hope is that the concerns Doug Wilson is raising here and on the Canon Press channel is shared as widely as possible with the pastors in the land -- they have a great culpability in the thousands of ruined marriages represented in Evangelicalism today.
You followed Doug Wilson’s advice and ruined your marriage, and now you want that advice to be spread to others?
@@diego67hd94 you don't know what you're talking about. This all happened long before Doug Wilson came on the scene for me and is something that other Christians have raised the alarm on (eg Edgington's "The Abusive Wife" book in 2015).
It took till the 2020s but it finally looks like many in the church are waking up to just how wicked and destructive "Christian feminism" is.
No one is righteous, not even one...who happens to go by the title Mrs.
@@diefenbakersown you have decided that your ex wife is to blame for the failure of the marriage. I don’t doubt that she would’ve played a part in it, but one should always start with one’s own failures and sins, for it is far easier to see the problem in someone else than in yourself.
@@diego67hd94 seeing as you already got the facts wrong in your first reply, I'd recommend you exercise extreme caution in the accusations you're ready to insinuate. Slander is a sin after all.
@@diefenbakersown quite right you are, and it’s quite possible that you were entirely blameless and sinless throughout your marriage, but in that case I would think you need not a saviour… once again, I’d encourage you to reflect on your own sins as I will on mine, we can only change our own behaviour in this life and not others
There have been several times when I apologized to my wife when she was upset to "keep the peace". I always had to convince myself that I was always in the wrong about her feelings and needed to "apologize and repent" for my sins. After seeing the initial posting, I've determined to not do that anymore, as Doug correctly states that I am sinning by doing so. My wife sometimes tells me that she does get upset with me about things, but realizes that I was telling the truth and was right about the situation. So, if I'm right (biblically speaking, not for my own selfish gain), then I have nothing to apologize for, even if my wife's emotions are hurt, all while striving to do so in love.
And yes, there's a typo at 0:16 *wronged* not *wonged*
I choose to believe it was poetic stylized that way... but I am probably wrong.
@@grantarmbruster6591 or perhaps you're wong.
Many of us understand how this is wrong to do for our children - knowing that giving in to their tantrums will only spoil them and harm their psychology, but lose that principle with our wives due to loss of leadership and because the tantrum is more sophisticated.
This video and teaching along with the Holy Spirit is saving my marriage. Thank you Doug and Cannon Plus.
How many times have you been married?
Gutsy! Thank you! I am a woman and I 100% agree with you!
I had to do this last night for the first time. The wife was offended that I told her I needed her smartphone to help our elderly neighbors fix their router and computers that had a DNS trojan. Me needing her phone caused an argument and words flew back and forth from both sides that weren't nice and we both showed our butts.
Once I got home I promptly apologized for my portion of the name calling, as they were sin, they were wrong, and they were not reflecting me loving my wife as Christ loves the Church. However, she also wanted me to apologize for needing her phone and I flat out refused to do that. I see nothing biblically that would require me to apologize for saying "I need your phone because the neighbors don't have internet and I will need to lookup router configurations".
Still tension today unfortunately.
Show her this video! ASAP. Call her out lovingly.
Did you say, May I please use your phone? or did you just say I need your phone? Polite requests are important even in marriage
Wow! Great commentary. This is one of the biggest problems in the body of Christ; namely, women ruling family life through their hurt feelings. Christian men, because they are encouraged in the church to abide by the notion "happy wife, happy life," end up trying to appease and molly-coddle immature wives. All one need do is notice the message of Mother's Day vs. Father's Day. Mother's Day the message is "all women are virtual saints." On Father's Day (if it is celebrated at all) the message is, "Men, you need to "man up" and get your spiritual act together." Most Evangelical pastors are far too intimidated by Christian women to ever correct ungodly female behavior.
Wow that is so true...I've been having some theologically talking points at happy with some women in my life and I'm not sure I like jumping in the shark tank! Hated or despised I will tell the truth...in love of course but not always
Happy wife, happy life - biggest lie since the fabrication of „evolution“ 😂
Thank you for demonstrating why the states that go along with this teaching, are the same states that lead the nation in divorce rates, and has been for nearly 5 decades. Of all the disgusting, and abusing messages Duggie has delivered, this is (so far) the most disgusting and abusing.
I am yet to be married, and God willing, I will be one day. I grew up in a house of women and learned very early on that women are wrong just as often as men are. Society today, however, seems to push the idea of “Happy wife, happy life.”
Growing with God throughout my life taught me that Truth is Truth. Right is right and wrong is wrong. I will never apologize for something I didn’t do because that would violate truth and to me, would dishonor God. If someone seeks vengeance instead of repentance for something they do wrong then they’re not the one for me.
Just be honest with each other and remember Christ’s salvation was a gift, it wasn’t a reward. You didn’t earn mercy so be humble before your husband or wife and repent of what you do to them. Because you aren’t just doing it to them, but also to Christ.
May God bless those in marriage and growing relationships with humility, mercy, honor, virtue, and a love for Christ that exceeds the love for one another. For if you love God most then it WILL persevere. May Christ be praised forever. Amen.
Thank you brother for your continued bold stand on God's word. I love your dry sarcasm and irony, sometimes shared so quickly it takes me a few seconds to get it. Thank you for your excellent clear thinking and teaching on the Bible
I’ve heard this called the “sin of selfish passivity.”
I have never posted but have listened to your videos.
21 years ago my wife, after I said no to her, took my children and left.
We were married before I was born again. She was raised Roman Catholic. Her number 1 stated goal was that I would be spiritual leader of our home.
At 28 (1988) I heard the gospel for the first time in my life face to face and became a new creation (I asked the "super-christians I had grown up with why they had never shared Christ with me and their answer was that they assumed I was chosen for perdition, calvanism at its finest).
I began to be head of house and very soon knew I was called in the ministry. Did I mention she was raised Catholic?
By the local wizards of wisdom, I was told to not obey the Lord unless my wife was in total agreement, not just go along with but be in total agreement with.
So after much prayer and with a large pay cut i went into the ministry, she left.
And of course I was told I was disqualified for ministry.
So really, she had the last say either way.
For millions of men right now, they have one choice, lie.
They love their children and know the court will give them to the mom (even an alcoholic, depressed, anorexic, woman with multiple suicide attempts and who is attracted to women-mom). They know they will lose everything: work, home, children, even his own family members take her side and believe what ever a wife going thru a divorce says.
These men know that they will always be second class Christians once divorced, who are encouraged by the local "First - fill in the blank-of Somewhere USA Churchers" to come late, leave early and be sure to tithe, becoming the pariah, because "he failed at his marriage he can't be trusted to be good for really anything here at the church, too bad.
These men will be told that they are to blame for the failed marriage because it's the man's fault, women can't be the problem, at least that is what focus on the family says.
So they lie, they lie to themselves, to their children and to their soon to be ex-wife because they are evil and immature and wrong? No because we as men have been made powerless in the home the moment she decides. Men lie because they know she is not a believer and will have men or women in the house around their children, having little or no imput and almost no access to their own children.
Men lie because they know that she will use their children as a tool for her to get more money and as an emotional chip telling her children that "if your father loved you he would send you more money".
Men lie to try to keep things from falling apart for one more day before she takes everything away with her that is valuable to you all the while she not caring, other than she knows it hurts and controls
Yes men lie, but you would not know anything about that, and i am glad, I wish i was where you are...because once you have reached the end of the illusion and see clearly the choices, the truth is too hard and there is no hope in sight...
Ask any woman, faithful wife, what she thinks of her husband constantly or unnecessarily apologizing to her. She thinks him weak and sappy. A woman like this knows when she has been offended or transgressed against according to God’s commandments. Don’t belittle a woman nor forfeit your own dignity, men. Even if there are times to become undignified. It’s probably few and far between if you are loving your wife as you love your own body, on the daily.
As a woman, i agree 100%. Well written comment.
I know a woman who put her husband out of the house and divorced him took kids and money when he repented. He was a good man and finally refused to let her rule the house with her opinions and feelings.
Smart woman. Hopefully, she will raise her sons to be a better man that her ex. And her daughters not to put up with crap from any man, especially one that believes in this abysmal teaching.
I saw the post, and it intrigued me. So I watched the FULL video... 🤷🏾♂️
Really thankful for this content. Refinement is in process and I’m thankful for you and your team.
I can't figure out if Mr Wilson is extremely intelligent or just the bravest guy at this printing press.
My husband doesn’t apologize if he’s right, sometimes even if he’s wrong. But he calls me out and doesn’t let me torture him with all my feelings. Which now after 16 years I’m glad. I’ve learned a better way.
Mine too!! He has helped me not to gossip and I’m more emotionally stable than ever :) it benefits us women to obey our husbands/scripture.
Torture him with your feelings? Maybe he's better suited to be with a man.
“…calls me out and doesn’t let me ‘torture him’ with all my feelings”…?!
Seriously?
This is not a relationship. Your husband is a dictator.
Both wives and husbands need to own their sins and apologize to each other for when they are wrong. I don’t believe in apologizing to appease each other’s feelings. Mercy is my spiritual gift, and I used to apologize to keep the peace. It didn’t bode well for me. I no longer do it, and my husband appreciates that I only apologize when I am wrong.
My favorite line is when you said, you don't have a good marriage, you have a charade
Like a ball peen hammer between the eyes; hit home and now stunned. I'm just not sure how to walk this one out. Thank for putting this up here. Lot to think and pray about.
I don't understand the vitriolic response to this video: how can any Christian disagree with the ideas that we shouldn't repent when we haven't sinned and that no one (in this case, wives) should exalt their preferences to "the law of the home"? This should be completely uncontroversial among Christians.
I can say the same thing about husbands: wives shouldn't repent when they haven't done anything wrong according to a Biblical worldview. And this would receive near universal applause because we live in a culture where "women are good" and "men are bad". I think the negative responses this video has received demonstrate the unbiblical bias against husbands in our culture.
It shouldn’t be controversial but Christian men are so terrified of the women’s lib movement that they’ll capitulate to even perceived offenses. Also, church attendance is lopsided between the genders: more women attend church and are more active than men are. Can’t upset the majority of your congregation and risk losing out on some tithing now can we?
And then there are those cases in which the roles are reversed (wife constantly apologizing for supposed wrongs in an effort to "keep the peace"). I presume the same principle applies.
In my case (as the apologizing wife), what the Lord has shown me across 20+ years is that if I do a really in-depth analysis of what has just blown up, even though the presenting sin is my husband's (for which I somehow am required to apologize), it almost invariably happens that deeper reflection shows that I have contributed my own sin along the way to the current situation; and for that sin I can - indeed, surely should - repent and apologize / seek forgiveness. And over the years I've come to see my husband, more and more of the time, owning up to the things God thinks he should apologize for. Glory to God for the on-going demonstration of His grace in our growth and the redemption of what once was a certifiably toxic marriage.
Everyone is guilty of gaslighting at some point of their lives and in relationships. Sometimes it's just as simple as a lack of understanding.
Bill speaks to wives often. This is directed at husbands.
Yes - he’s obviously not saying that men are never in the wrong. He is addressing common problem of ‘yes men’ (see also ‘happy wife, happy life’) who dishonorably sacrifice the truth and surrender their leadership responsibility on the principle of catering (to the point of being ruled by) to her emotions.
@@Globeguy1337 which ironically never make your wife happy in the long run.
I understand your situation and as someone who suffered in that way, I can inagine what Pastor Wilson is saying would be triggering. There are donineering psycological abusers of both sexes unfortunately.
"one thing about God and my wife is that they're always right"
- audience laughs
Yes, our brother Doug is right. Men need to step up to their role as real spiritual leaders of the house. Being a fake spiritual leader is a lie, and who is that lie being told to? You can fool yourself, but you can't fool God.
Absolutely exceptional! One of your best, Doug. Keep up the courageous work, sir.
Yep. Marry a good wife, or you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Needless to say the wife leaves with everything when she finds out her husband apologized for not correcting a domineering controlling usurping tin roof wife.
Proverbs 21:9
A wife should never want her feelings to share the Throne with GOD'S WORD!! So True,,,, A Husband is The Head of his wife just as CHRIST is The Head of The Church Period! Unless a man abuses this authority in which case protecting the wife must be prioritized, his focus should be leading in keeping with GOD'S Will not his wife's never ending demands of him
About 250 of those comments were mine. (: It blows my mind that people disagree with this statement.
Do not EVER apologize to ANYbody for something you DIDN'T do. I was once counselled to apologize to people that just randomly turned on me for something I didn't do and my pastor told me that I would be "overcoming evil with good" if I'd just go up and randomly say "I'm sorry for what I done to you...even though I don't know what it is..." That is absolutely TERRIBLE advice even though it was well meaning advice. If you know that you're innocent do NOT make yourself appear guilty for the sake of those that are in the wrong. By that logic, Jesus should've apologized to the Pharisees since he offended their sensibilities. Being right is not a sin.
Kindness goes a long way.
The prevalence of Karens in the church is evidence enough that too many men are molly-coddling their women.
Interesting that as a Christian man I came to these same conclusions just a year or two ago through both non-Christians and Christians, predominately in the “red pill” community. A woman is very beholden to living according by her “feelings” and not by logic or the truth of a situation. This is NOT a formula for a successful marriage if a man gives credence to it, that’s why husbands are the Head of our families and wives. The strong always lead the weak. Happy wife happy life will turn into a divorce in most cases.
How much did I need to hear this....
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. NOT Blessed are the peacekeepers for they shall be called the children of God.
I think my husband does it right. He sympathizes with my feelings but doesn't apologize for the action if it wasn't wrong.
I agree with you: the husband should treat his wife like the weaker vessel the Bible says she is and tread carefully with her emotions, sympathize with her, but stand firm on truth. After being with my wife for 20 years I feel like I'm almost there 🙂. The growth we've both experienced together makes it possible.
If I were to try this when we were younger, I would have messed it up and hurt her to badly. Now that we're older it's possible and much healthier of a relationship. God is good!
I am not quite clear on what you mean. Does he feel bad for you for being wrong?? Is he coddling your wrong feelings?? The second seems barely different from aplologizing to you wrongly.
@@johnbreitmeier3268 No, it's clear to me. He is sympathising with/acknowledging her hurt feelings ("I hear you" might be a phrase he would use), but still stand firm on what he said or did. To label her feelings as "wrong" would probably inflame the situation, but to acknowledge them will help to defuse it.
Acknowledgment of hurt feelings and keeping firm on the original action are quite separate and together don't constitute an unwarranted apology; quite the opposite in fact.
@@dumfriesspearhead7398 So you are telling her that she has a right to have hurt feelings when you have done nothing wrong??? That sure sounds like reinforcing improper behavior. Her feelings ARE wrong. It will just lead to her labeling anything you can show her is wrong as being "her feelings". I see that all the time. You wouldn't even use that logic with an Irish Setter. A child would be assumed to be more mature. Monnie up above says it has taken him 20 years to almost get communication with his wife right. You could learn most of the world's languages in that time period. Is Monnie stupid or is his wife moving the goalposts. Women are supposed to be the weaker vessel, not bat crap crazy.
If you are both saying that women are biologically incapable of proper behavior, that is one of the most sexist and demeaning and silly things possible. It would mean they should not be allowed outside the house without a minder. Women are perfectly capable of proper behavior in business settings when being fired is a possibility. I have seen it. You get what you reward and encourage.
This is so thoughtfully put together. I used to think happy wife happy life, boy was I wrong. Couldn't be farther from the truth. A God fearing woman craves to be lead. Iron hanze has got to be the best allegory ever. Take the key out from under your mom's pillow boys, we've got work to do!
“A God-fearing woman craves to be led.”
Not any with an ounce of self-respect.
Best explanation I've seen so far. Excellent.
100% true I found this the hard way. Honor God and only Him. Isaiah 3.
Thank God. Finally someone reasonable on the matter. I've been trying to explain this to people for the longest. I'm so tired of folks twisting the word of God to make the argument that you always have to apologize to keep the peace even if you're right, especially if the other person feels offended. This is especially true in a marriage, the men are told to always be apologizing to their wives, however the more you apologize the less they respect you as a man because the more apologies they get the more they believe they are right. That's an issue particularly with women because they almost always believe they're right anyway by default, so now top that with you apologizing to them all the time for things you don't need to apologize for, strengthening this terrible mindset? This is a recipe for disaster, especially in a marriage.
I am sure you divorce is right around the corner. Be sure to thank Duggie for it.
Good points. The head of the woman is the man, the head of the man is Christ.
As always DW brought that 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
I know, right? Like an 1800's circuit riding Presbyterian. Is he the ONLY one left?
💕 luv this!!
I struggle to apologize to my wife when I know I’ve done wrong. That’s more my struggle, than the other way around. I have never apologized to try to keep the peace, I actually run head first into war against her.
People buy into the lie of “ happy wife happy life” not me.
Stop struggling and obey God- if you aren't a ( possibly female) troll.
I am so sorry that you struggle with sin in this way. We ALL have those certain areas like this in which we struggle.
I am sure your divorce is right around the corner, Be sure to thank Duggie for it.
"Listen honey, despite my initial feelings, i checked the bible and it said i dont have to feel bad about this. Deal with it."
THANK YOU! What self-respecting person - especially WOMAN! - would agree with this misogynistic nonsense?!
@@anda3510 brain washed ones, that's who.
@@anda3510 Very good, This teaching is nothing but an excuse to be sexist and an abuser of women.
So, if God thinks the man should apologize the man will think he should apologize. If the man does not think he should apologize, God does not think an apology is warranted. That’s fascinating and pretty convenient.
I think I'm having DejaVu🤣
I don't understand the last comment about how the wife finding out about the husband's repentance would be troublesome.
I take it to mean that the husband, once repented, will now refuse to allow the wife to rule through emotion. The wife may not easily accept that and the fights could ensue.
@@LtDeadeye That makes sense.
Another possibility, inspired by your comment.
The wife may view a repentant husband as weak, and try to exploit that perceived weakness.
Ehhhhhh, this seems to be slightly antagonistic. Almost at every argument I have, I can find a way that I was unloving to my wife. It may have been pride, being rude, not listening, etc....the list goes on and on. Then I'll try and see why she thinks I'm wrong. If she can convince me, ill apologize.
Love defined in Eph 5 can be summed up as Paul does...to nourish/give whats needed for growth and cherish/protect. I have an extremely happy wife. Her happiness (as most women's is) comes from me loving Jesus and being submitted to Him. So yes, I believe in happy wife, happy life...happy just needs to be qualified in a Biblical and Godly way.
He never said “don’t apologize at all” just “don’t apologize for a perceived wrong that never was.” Pretty simple imo. If you were unloving to your wife then ya apologize for that
"UNLESS YOU WONGED HER" Sounds like a stand-up comedy special
The new Ali Wong Netflix special
WONGED?
@manager 01 there was a typo when they uploaded initially
Also. This brings to Light other lies , self deception & my Disobedience To Our Lord & King. & His Word. That I've carried & permited. THE PHARISEE IN. ME. !!!!!
Exactly why I married a Nigerian woman. They actually believe it is Christlike to be kind to their husbands.
It is also Christ like for husbands to be kind to their wives.
@@cynthiabrundidge4110 Why even bring that up? Is that within the context of the video?
@@cynthiabrundidge4110 which is why many Nigerian women seek American men! Not all American women and Nigerian men treat their spouses poorly, but in both cases it has sadly become socially acceptable to do so.
@@greenghost6416 because the original comment I responded to brought it up.
It is absolutely true that many if not most wives (Christian or not) believe their feelings are sovereign. Although a husband should be sensitive to his wife's feelings, he should not surrender his God given place as the head of the family, which is what many, many Christ professing wives want. That is simply a fact.
A year after getting saved I decided to be a real spiritual leader in my home for the first time ever by cancelling porn and all things LGBT in our house (banning HBO, throwing out a hardcore pornographic novel, confiscating a New Age occult book, making a gentle rebuke to my wife for ironing our teenage son's long hair and encouraging him to look like a girl, clumsily taping several pages of scripture verses on the wall about the submission doctrine for husbands and wives) and my feminist wife couldn't tolerate it. She left, filed for divorce, and tried to judicially take the Christian children away from me a week later with frivolous and highly unethical court filings. It turned out it was one of the BEST decisions I ever made in my life. I got the younger kids back and now have a Christian home. We evicted Satan. No regrets. A saved man shouldn't be afraid to protect his home and SUBMIT to his master.
What Bible verses do you use to support this? I didn't hear any.
Correct. Well said as usual.
Is any authoritative action ultimately upon the man?
This world has things completely reversed. Adam was created by God (Genesis 2) with a purpose and mission to work and keep the garden and keep his commandments. Eve was created to be a unique companion to him (so he is not alone) and be a helper to assist him to fulfil his God given purpose. When Satan tempted Eve (Genesis 3) and before she submitted, Adam had a duty before that happened to lead her, instruct and even intervene so she did not break God's one commandment. Eve submitted to Satan's temptation (because the NT states she was deceived) and then Adam did nothing and submitted to Eve (and willingly and with no deception sinned). The order from sin is completely reversed from the divine order and places Satan at the top (not God) and Adam submitting to Eve. The New Testament further in many passages nails this created order down as the pattern for healthy, biblical God honoring marriages. Further more in Genesis 3: 16 God says about Eve's "Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.” and indicates Eve/women/wives will try and dominate their husbands and it is Adam/mans duty to rule and carry out our God given purpose.
Where is the lie is his statement??
These people are haters of God and lovers of self. Plain and simple.
Based just off the title so far: So... frequently?
A husband has to be able to tell his wife how the cow ate the cabbage. Otherwise, he is out of order
I don't know what that means, but I like it.
One leaf at a time!
“WONGED”?!? Someone call a proofreader!
Enlightening insights!
My question would be what would stop a husband from justifying his corruptness if he feels God thinks he doesn’t need to apologize?
What keeps him accountable to God and how will his wife know it?
The Word and the Spirit. If a husband is sinning against his wife he is sinning against God. All the wife needs to do is gently bring the verse from the Word and the Spirit will convict. If he remains unrepentant and the issue is serious then separation maybe in order.
If it's just things like temper and the such then there are causative factors that are usually hidden.
Once again the answer cannot be found in worldly wisdom such as work/money stress etc, those things don't wash as an excuse in a Christians life.
A regenerated heart that communes with the Lord should always be able to come back to a place of peace.
Marriages are tricky tricky things that the adversary has a whole bag of tricks he can pull the wool over people's eyes with.
But if we always come back to the Word and the Spirit, the truth will always be made manifest.
The Word and the Spirit!
@@888WulfDog888 this makes sense, thanks.
1 Peter 3/ 1 Cor 7: 14-15. Just something to think about if nothing else works
@William Wallis Yes the elders maybe brought into marriage conflicts when separation is leading to divorce.
What people don't understand these days is that as believers in the body we are accountable to the body for things such as divorce.
Some people teach that divorce is not mandated and that Jesus closed the door on it.
What He in fact did was close the door on no faults divorce which was common in the time by the people who were seeking to legally trap Him into speaking against the law.
There is always fault and we are called as the body to recognize and act accordingly when someone is commiting a grievous sin, divorce and the causes are grievous and should not be swept under the carpet and the defilers should not be allowed to remain in our midsts unrepentant, it's a cancer.
Previous to that radical step, counselling is an option.
God, culture, society, legal system all keep men accountable. Men are forced to pay for their mistakes.
In the situations you’re talking about, with the husband being a God honouring man then what should happen is for communication to be open about why the wife feels she needs an apology. If we put the same parameters on the wife as the husband and assume that she too loves God and seeks to honour Him then I would argue that there is more to the situation than her demanding an apology where none is given. This advise doesn’t go into the nuance of the situations and can be used by men to become defensive and controlling rather than trying to help the wife find the root cause of her feelings.
God cares about both in the scenario. Both the wife who feels she is owed an apology and the man from whom an apology might not be warranted.
If there is a situation where the wife is controlling and domineering and the dictator in the household then there is a whole different relationship issue that needs to be addressed, just like you said about if the husband is abusive it’s a different situation.
Well said
"Unless God thinks you wonged her?" (Title in video.) I don't think we should wong anyone. However, there's much food for thought here. Proverbs 21:9 comes to mind.
I think that point is already implied in the use of the term ‘wronged’.
Edit: Lol never mind, just caught the joke.
There's nothing in the Bible that says "wonging" anyone is...wrong. As long as it's done charitably.
Isn't "WONG" a euphemism for "tea bagging"?
I was watching this with an attitude that it was so very entertaining and vindicating. "Yeah! Why should a man apologize when he's done nothing wrong!? You tell 'em Doug! Tell those women that their feelings aren't an idol to be worshipped!"
Then Doug called me a liar..... Ouch! Time to look in the mirror, I guess.
Typo at 0:16 FYI
I noticed it too. I wonder if it will require an apology :P
I think Satan is more likely to be a grammar nazi then God.
@@bman5257 *than God. Sorry. It had to be done. 😅
@@monew632 Get behind me, Satan. 😂
D'oh!
4:41 heterosexual interest in our wives is strictly verboten.
Yes but you are a human and will never know for sure what God is thinking…we are human and prideful and can always make excuses…a husband that happens to comes up to a wife to make up after an argument did not sin…he showed her what a God fearing man looks like.
Read the book his needs her needs. Its an old book so its a good one
This is an attempt to cram 5 similar, but ultimately separate, topics into one directive:
1) what “God thinks” is made up of the Biblical directives, your personal relationship/prayer life, and the feedback from your surroundings
2) hierarchy of marriage
3) cultural issues that have influenced modern marriage
4) when to and not to take responsibility for an action
5) how to manage the sensitivity of your wife.
With the way this video combines so many points, I think it has a chance to do more harm than good.
Yep this is a good one.
Looks to me I got me some work to do
Yes, you're callous, insensitive, piggish, and arrogant and..ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!
He described himself perfectly
Duggie is a disgusting excuse of a Christian, a man, and living tissue.
Question? Are calvinist calling God a liar? Please look at the gospel 1 Corinthians 15:1-4 , it says if you keep in memory and believe the gospel you will be saved. If limited atonement is true? Does this mean the unsaved with unbelief are believing truth that God did not die for them, and do calvinist believe God is lying by saying he did die for them?
? Normally it is pretty obvious what assumptions someone is reading into a text to make it say something against Calvinism, but I'm stumped at this one. Where is the contradiction?
"Now I would remind you, *brothers,* of the gospel I preached to you, which you received, in which you stand, and by which you are being saved, if you hold fast to the word I preached to you-unless you believed in vain. For I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received: that Christ died for our sins in accordance with the Scriptures, 4 that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures,..."
Calvinists believe God only died for the brothers and sisters in the faith (a.k.a. believers). You cite a passage where Paul explicitly addresses believers and says Christ died for them. Where is the contradiction? The verse accords with our beliefs.
To contradict Calvinism, you need a verse that explicitly shows someone being saved apart from Christ's atonement, or show someone who is explicitly said to have been atoned for not actually being saved.
Who is the liar? Those who do not believe Christ died for them and are not saved by the gospel because of unbelief. Who is the liar, did Christ die for them or not? If not , why are they punished for unbelief?? How can God get away with this lie if God can not lie? There is only one answer, Christ died for all
@@larrygribaudo1092 _"Who is the liar?"_
I guess the non-Calvinist is the liar as they are making assertions without knowledge that don't bear resemblance to reality. This passage doesn't speak of any liar. Or is there some specific Calvinist belief that you can cite that you think this verse contradicts?
_"Those who do not believe Christ died for them and are not saved by the gospel because of unbelief."_
That's not a Calvinist or Biblical viewpoint. Their unbelief doesn't cause them to not be saved. Rather, all of humanity is already in a state of condemnation and God chooses to show mercy to some. All are unbelievers until God gives them spiritual life.
_"Who is the liar, did Christ die for them or not?"_
Christ died for some liars.
_"If not , why are they punished for unbelief??"_
That's not a Calvinist position. The liar is punished for their lies, the murderer for their murder, the adulterer for their adultery, etc.
_"How can God get away with this lie if God can not lie?"_
What lie are you accusing God of? Your flow of thoughts is incredibly hard to follow.
_"There is only one answer, Christ died for all"_
Do you have anything beyond mere assertion to back that up? Like a passage in the Bible that explicitly states that? How does it follow from anything you said?
Everyone in the USA needs the only God and angels to sharply increase the perception that the wicked are obviously image bearers of the only God and are not simply comparable to vermin that needs to be eradicated by the only God, the only God is just regardless of perception must be true, everyone here does need this perception to sharply increase in being obvious but it does need to be remembered that there actually is no injustice on the part of the only God in heaven, the devil needs to love and trust that there is no injustice from the only God, maintained resistance toward this from the devil who needs to not be worshiped is actually insanely dumb objectively, he does actually need to be sufficiently harassed by both wicked and righteous men remains evident for everyone’s best outcome, the only God must be worshiped by both wicked and righteous men for everyone’s best outcome.
Love this
Truth
My wife knew when we were dating that my expectation was that I would work and she would stay home with the kids. She would not have wanted it any other way.
So glad you found a machine that you could direct what to do with her life.
Reminds me of what an old boy used to say. He was a bit twisted and not a Christian but he use to say "never apologize to your wife because if you do it's all over"
A non believers unloving solution to the same problem, just never say sorry at all.
I wish you had given some examples of what that looks like (a husband apologizing to his wife when God doesn't think he wronged her).... I feel like I came in on the 2nd or 3rd video on this subject :)
This is genius
Good video. But please address husbands who daily emotionally abuse their wives and the effect it has on the wives. No hitting, no porn, no adultery, etc. Just the everyday poison and rejection of passive-aggressive craziness. This actually turns into physical abuse in the wives because of resulting auto immune diseases, heart problems, depression, cancer, etc. Yet...he calls himself a Christian, has a great image and is not breaking bones and blackening eyes. Only committing soul murder. Such is covert abuse. These men won’t repent or take responsibility for their sin. Guilt? Non existent, as the blame-shifting goes on ad nauseum.
It is true some women do take the Queen Bee stance, and in that case, bravo counsel here.
Golden
Good man.
4:57
Interesting.
Shouldn't we all only apologize if we did wrong? This goes without saying. Maybe I am missing something. But all of us should apologize if we know God wants us to and if we did not do wrong we don't. It really is simple. There is an epidemic if weak men. Sad really it is. It's good for both to be strong in their faith.
Exactly. This video is tyrannical. I thought it was a joke at first!