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Your videos are always good. I didn't mean to suggest it doesn't work. In my situation I am respectful to my bosses. I was hoping they would show the same kind of respect. What happened to me has to be much deeper. Mom and pops just didn't like it. I was just a good fit for them. I'll keep on trying to love people some day I'll get a little love back. I look to see how to become a Channel member. Thank you .
My boss recently came to me, said I wasn't acting my usual self and asked if anything was up. I had tried to approach her in the past regarding certain workplace issues, but she appeared dismissive. So I gave up and began looking for work elsewhere. I felt I had nothing to lose at this point, and was honest with her, saying I didn't think the job was for me, and I felt like leaving. She pulled me into a conference room and we had a frank but respectful discussion. We agreed to meet the following week while she spoke to some higher ups and HR about the situation. Come Monday morning, she called me into the conference room and slid a paper across the table. I figured I was terminated, but was surprised to see it was an offer for a substantial raise. I am learning to become more assertive, which is a struggle because I'm naturally passive. Ironically, calmly and logically explaining how dissatisfied I was made them respect me more. Thank you for your videos. They are so helpful. 👍
I have the opposite issue, my boss thinks I don't respect him and I treat him like the cleaning lady...but I respect the cleaning lady, not sure what he means...he expects submissivness and I expect equality. He sees me as challenging his authority. I see him as a tyrant who wants people to follow him blindly. Not sure how this can be fixed. Currently we are ignoring each other
The day my boss respects me is the day I know my character has fallen to her level. She is a dreadful, cruel, competitive, and insecure woman, and a textbook narcissist. She's known to throw tantrums in the workplace and treat everyone like garbage. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm counting down the days when I can get out of there. Any advice in the meantime for those who go far beyond rude or passive-aggressive?
Ok I tried some of this today. It was hard but I actually let my feelings support my communication. I told her how I felt. “Your email really hurt me and is preventing me progress in the organization. “ she had a hard time and said she needed to get back to me. I hope it goes well. I feel good and strong and confident. This is my soul speaking.
@@dominiquedoeslife Oh, I definitely got fired for that one. Haha! But, all in all, speaking up for myself results in bigger wins for my self-confidence. Feeling good, I moved on to other opportunities. :) Thanks for asking! Your content is still good. For me, speaking up for myself is more important that a job. Just my opinion.
The way you tell a story and the way that you speak, and do it with humor and in a basic way, helps it stick in my brain better. Thank you for this I am absorbing this information and I really needed exactly this one thank you
Thank you Tomasa. My byline for onsite training has always been "No more boring training--ever" because I believe it is possible to keep people awake during a seminar--or a TH-cam video. (Possible, not always easy :) )
This video is very useful to me because it shows a way to be angry that actually delivers the essential message. I have been looking into communication to improve myself, but it always seemed to suppose that it goes alright or at least that it never gets to a dead end. Though frustrating cases do happen and just the fact the they are possible can hinder my motivation as I don't know how to handle them. Even though it may be theoretical it is good to know how you can react to them.
I have a question that I’m sure many others have. My supervisor has been singling me out for a year because I called her out on behavior that was directly lowering my teams performance and upsetting everybody. What this supervisor will do is make sure she didn’t do anything wrong, but rather one of the team members will have the blame on them. Usually, this is a result of there being some kind of invisible rule that she hasn’t told one or all of us. What can I do to maintain my image to everyone else or get her to stop doing this?
I'm sorry to say this, but narcissists don't think they do or have done anything wrong. I've never thought a supervisor would bend over backwards to change their behavior. If she's singling you out, then you'll have to wait until it blows over. And don't bring up anything again about how she treats you. If she demeans your teams performance, that's a reflection on her and you can just show them to rise above it. I'm sorry but I don't think there's anything you can do since you pointed out what she's doing. I'd like to know if you changed jobs since then or if things have gotten better.
Get everyone to tell you how she does it, then find the common thread. People like that are wolves, and they often go for the one that they think is weakest, and by that I mean in job, personality type, something that reflects their insecurities, etc. Find the pattern? You find the way to fix it with everyone on board. Gather information, but learn to do it subtly. Steer the conversation from at least two others, then, just let them talk, and you'll find out if this person is gonna tell you anything useful. If they look like they're shocked, just say, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked." This will prompt either a verbal and or non-verbal cue. Assuming you know how to read people, this will give you at least four different options if you use yes or no questions when you finally get them talking about it with open-ended questions. No matter what, be sincere.
When he said: " But sometimes..... you Have to overturn the tables in the temple." Then the world's explode revealing his serious gaze back at the camera. That one moment was priceless, made me TRULY laugh
Just this January someone took me out for a coffee, outside work premises... this was the boss, he knew I had a geniuine complaint, wasn't going to compromise on certain things and he knew I wasn't happy with how colleagues and management had handled things with me (essentialy. I had been underpaid and my feed should have been adjusted ages ago). As my results speak for themselves, he did the right thing is approached me to discuss this matter and how to improve things. Now, I was very appreciative of this, but as the higher echelons kept fu&&& g up, I am now past the point where i can care. However... ' I don't judge you for your mistakes' is one I will use very soon :-))
I love this channel but does anyone have a boss that has the time to walk around the block with them?! Saying stuff like "I expect more from you" is a bit condescending, hats off to people who go ahead and take this approach tho!
So true! I did just that last year at work. And I that is what I have told others, " Jesus flipped tables in the temple." And He is our example to follow. Sometimes we have to flip the tables for others to take us seriously.
BEST, REAL Advice for the workplace that I've ever learned! I only wish I could be that straight forward AND assertive tho... especially w/ The Boss! But thank you for this! Hopefully in time, I'll learn to mix a mild amount of assertiveness into my constant people-pleasing manner (aka, constant sugar coating)!!🤞🏻🤞🏻 P.S. Such a delight to find your channel 💝☺️💝
Karen--not "A Karen" (thankfully) Please keep trying, poco a poco--to be assertive and straightforward. It's OK to be a people-pleaser, but not at the expense of your own needs. And I'm happy we found each other :)(
I’m smarter than I thought. I did this and used a lot of the language here before I even found this channel. My boss on the last hour of the last day of training went off on me because I worked for 4 days 3 years ago by a hired contractor in the same field. I answered her line of questioning, and she literally said, omg forget it, it like pulling teeth with you. Then circled around again picking off more information, and rewording her questions. I answered and she said It not ok, and said my name in such discuss that it could not be taken any other way but as upset. So that co tinted for 20 minutes in front of 5 other people in training class. I reported to my Temp Agency what happened. 2 days went by and the response was, oh she was just questioning something, it’s ok report to work on Monday @7:45. Um no it’s clearly not ok. I feel attacked, do you think I don’t know what an attack is?
I can’t imagine myself taking a walk with my boss 😅, you have taught me so much, I have become a better communicator and I am pleasantly surprised 🥳 thank you for your videos I have even shared with my friends because they are essential
What do you do if you politely stand up for yourself to a passive aggressive boss, and tell her how you feel about a certain situation, but she then turns it around on you and plays the victim? I politely stood up for myself because she acted out of line and was very disrespectful to me, and in turn she got offended and said, "No one speaks to me that way!" I was very polite and said phrases like, "I feel like", and was in no way disrespectful to her. Yet, she got very defensive. She also at times will say one thing one day, and then redact that statement a few days later. Can't ever stick to one plan, and is constantly changing things from one day to the next. It's very frustrating. I want to have a good relationship with her, but when she gets in these passive aggressive, high all mighty moods it makes it very difficult to deal with. I also understand that she is in the authority to act high and all mighty since she is my boss, but at the same time she should respect her employees at all times, and they should be able to communicate their feelings or concerns without the backlash in return.
Meegan, I can't answer that question without having been there because tone and posture are a very real part of the message you delivered. And some people, even when you perfectly deliver a message, will become defensive. All you can do is your best, and then decide whether or not you can live with this person's erratic behavior.
Thank you for sharing Meegan. I would love to hear if you are still in the same position and the same boss, and how that all goes nowadays. I am in a similar position and I was told that I come across as offensive even though I try my best to stay professional and polite. I guess you cannot please everyone. However, my boss dismisses any of my: "I feel like" or "This makes me feel" and takes it against me. Still trialling different strategies to manage my emotions to manage to coexist with them as I actually love my job. I feel assertiveness and setting boundaries are not even heard. To make the picture a bit more complete, I am a super strong personality and a high achiever and no one would dispute that if they were honest. I see all as learning and personal/professional development opportunities. All the best :)
Love this video 🎉 As a man raised by a narcissistic father and in a feminist culture who constantly bombards men to be passive and harmless and submissive, I find your content incredibly helpful. Thank you! 🎉🎉
Brilliant. Elegant. Empowering, Full of integrity. Thank you! I especially appreciate your underlying thread of loving expression. I hope you are with people who love you, too ^u^
That is sooo funny! I've once hada boss that kept calling me by my official name instead of the one on my name tag! Lol! It was on purpose and I was too timid to correct her. Listen to Dan! I regret not standing up to her. Thanks Dan!
Very interesting. I started a job last month and my manager has changed my name from Ruth to Lucy! At first I was kinda like “I don’t care” (the reason for the name change being I teach foreign kids who might find it hard to pronounce Ruth), but it’s started to really piss me off, especially as she barks orders “Lucy! Do this/that”. So another manager, who may be her boss, haven’t figured out the hierarchy yet, has told me she doesn’t agree with it because the kids need to learn how to pronounce sounds that are hard for them, so going to have a chat with line manager about it this week and ask to be called my actual name! So this was very helpful 🙏
Online Communication Skills Training Courses thanks so much for your reply Dan! I spoke to her about it today using your tips and it went well, I’m now Ruth again 😂 I also asked her to stop manhandling me which she had been doing the past couple of days, roughly grabbing my arm, so the video you did on asking people to stop touching you also came in useful! Love your work 🙌
Will you offer any more training in the future? I just discovered you today. There were references to signing up but only for a limited time & I see nothing about it below. I am bummed about getting in late. Thank you.
Ruefus, training is my life. If you want to take a look at my upcoming course that is currently on pre-sale, as well as my VIP package and individual training courses, go to www.danoconnortraining.com/ and click the "learn more" link at the top of the page for information on my pre-sale new course, and click "shop" to see everything else. You haven't missed a thing. I'd love to welcome you to my training! Dan
My team are very focused on framing anything with positive words. But we notice that something can be fine when spoken, yet can seem presumptuous or passive aggressive if expressed via email. For example, when speaking: "Would you mind helping me with ...?" The collaborative answer is "no", implying "I don't mind - but it seems counter-intuitive to say "no" when agreeing to do engage in something. INSTEAD we ask simply, "Would you help me with ...?" to which one can answer, "Yes" - and this feels like a better response that moves both parties forward. However, in writing, the simpler version seems too abrupt. Do you have any videos/tips on adapting best phrases depending on the delivery format (spoken vs. written)? Or, perhaps there's a different way altogether of posing such a question. Thanks, Dan. 🙏
Dan. I work in an unprofessional environment have a foreman who includes the other team members in our arguments because she has them wrapped around her fake ass. I just usually don’t say anything most of the time and don’t make buddies as I just put my head down and work. Sometimes though I try to make a suggestion to my foreman and that’s when it blows up. I don’t know what to do in those situations when she is trying to get me to look like an idiot in front of her “support crew”. I have no support. My main boss tells me to just be neutral but he does not see it happening. Anyone else have any suggestions too?
Your best bet is too hardcore ignore everyone there. Be the most unpleasant person to be around and at the same time study the job and be better than all of them. They will crave your respect. But ignore the sirens. Eventually, you will have a couple of followers who will admire you because of how good at your job rather than a piece of silicon on your foreman backside. Develop your stamina, attention to detail, and maintain a good track record and keep them far off even when they try to buddy up with you because I promise you they will.
I wouldn’t recommend using the word hostile at work. At the mention of that word in some workplaces policies are in place that immediately when a supervisor hears it he/she must report it. So unless you want to escalate things be aware of internal policies before using this word.
And when you’re well-seasoned you would say right there that you don’t go by that name. Then don’t answer to what is not your called name. “Why do you keep calling me Mary when I don’t go by that”
My boss wants me to step up my goals and I asked to job shadow her position, (because i want to become a supervisor) its been 2 years and each year this is the reply" you can but its boring, send me the request again but if you dont want too, its okay" She is a bully and can be aggressive...what do i say!?
I watch and I listen and try to learn while keeping an open mind, whether I am in a classroom, a boardroom, or a laundry room. Also, I had wonderful teachers in my parents and grandparents. They taught me that education isn't just gained in a classroom, though that's an all right place to start. Rather, education is the sum total of man's knowledge and experience. So I try to accumulate both. Which brings me back to listening to and learning from all people with an open mind. You can develop a treasure trove of wisdom if you start from the premise that ALL PEOPLE HAVE VALUE and all people have a contribution to make and all people have something to say. Once you determine that--then you listen.
Good advice but I don’t think it’d work with most bosses. You can get fired or harassed in a passive way (oxymoron maybe?). Be careful using this with your boss. But with others? Oh yeah, baby!
I agree with you. When they need you, you can stand on their head they wouldn't mind. On the other hand, when you seem redundant, nothing you say will be taken seriously.
How do you handle a situation wherein you're new (6 weeks), and your boss sends you an email on a Saturday letting you know they are planning to meet with you regarding information they received from "their sources" about conversations and situations that took place during her absence last week. And wants to talk about training, organizational structure, team dynamics and expectations, and ends it with, "I just wanted to give you a heads up". I was taken back! Background: the team doesn't follow written policy, the manager has spoken disparagly of at least 2 other staff members, and I come from a compliance background which is why I was asked to join the team. I'm now feeling like I have to abandon my work ethic and shrink back as if leadership makes decisions based on emotion rather what's in the best interest of the organization.
Whatever transpires, deal with it without emotion. Insist on specifics and facts and address those specifics and facts keeping your ethics intact always. If you have not violated company policy or your own ethics, don't be afraid of such meetings. If your supervisor is passing along gossip, point that out and point out what is the fact and the truth. Keep everything objective and very specific. In other words do not engage in generalities and do not allow her to engage in generalities. Do not be put off by her foolish warning.
@TheWizardOfWords Thank you for your insight and I appreciate that it aligns with my initial thoughts on having this discussion. I didn't reply to the warning btw. You're channel is exrtremely informative...many thanks again.
How can you ever have this conversation if " the boss" says "no, I haven't got the time". basically to listen to your conversation. Nor do they want to, or "smell a rat" conversation coming. Or honestly don't care about your personal agenda? In so many cases "the boss". really doesn't give a darn as long as the work is getting completed correctly on time. Frankly if I heard all this non-sense I'd be finding a way for you to take your job to a different department or out the door. Usually, a simple phrase like" Ms. Boss I prefer to be call by my middle name Lee Anne." every time she addressed me by my un-used name of Mary. And after I asked her a number of times to address me by me preferred name I would go to HR and complain. That is their job to correct this person not you, that way it's on record if your in a larger company. If you're in a smaller one I would politely continue to ask her to address you by LeeAnne or ignore her when she calls you by Mary. You can rarely change someone else's behavior, you can only control your own, how you react to other's behavior, if you choose to react at all. This might work with a co-worker giving you passive aggressive issues, and there are a number of phrases that would work well here.
100% agree. It's training ourselves, stoicism, or whatever. My time and energy is precious, my paycheck is my goal at work. Everything else is not significant or worth reacting to personally
I've tried these with employees and it works but doesn't work for a boss or a supervisor. They think they are always right and they do no wrong. Even as a manager to manager they have taken it the wrong way.
My boss when wanting to talk, always says not now or we’re not going to talk about that now. This manager seems like he’s not aware of his incompetence and have created skills to avoid explaining or avoid the whole issue. So what should I do or say that I demand to have a talk with you?! Why do upper management and do checks or ask staff that’s under this manager on how they’re doing?
I did. Now I don't have a job. I feel like a failure. I loved my job. Is it because I let them know they couldn't schedule us to be on call without pay? They said they have to let me go because I can't remember the processes while putting jewelry together. Yet I completed everything and the customers were happy.
My boss dismisses every good thing I try to do that would improve work life. I type a form that's beneficial to customers, she shreds it when I'm gone. And talks about EVERYONE behind their backs. I'm not a threat because God knows I love 3rd shift and I don't want to be a GM!
Would you understand why a male passive aggressive boss might lay into one person real fast (30 seconds) yet say nothing to two managers who exceeded his dislike in a self interested way rather than a functional way? Example: Set the thermostat at 60 F to prevent freezing 🥶 pipes and the man laid into me due to expenses. Guess supposed to freeze too. Two managers set the temperatures at 68 F when they arrive yet when the day is done all is turned off. Long story short, the man fully laid into me. I sat in no heat all winter because didn't want to lose the position yet never see him. Pipes froze. Pipes burst. The cleanup fell in my hands since I walked into it. Drenched from head to toe. How could I have gone about getting him to spend 5 minutes listening to "afraid the pipes will freeze, we need to address this"? I said this yet he was racing off and stays in a remote office. He'll say he didn't hear me (his back was to me). Fully realize there is a tradeoff between prevention and expense yet he's not listening to reason. When the time comes its like nothing was said. Also, if he said, "set at this temperature only" that's simple. OR "is it possible he's angry and merely taking his frustration out on me?" This should be easy yet the powers that be seem to "hit and run". Any insites you might have, much appreciated.
I suggest you concentrate on the future. Sit down with this man and agree on a temperature for cold weather. Even 68 sounds very cold to me. 72 sounds reasonable. Agree in advance, when he is not angry or frustrated about ANYTHING. If you can't agree, find a new job. He is literally freezing you out.
But if they are difficult to begin with, they won't budge, in fact my ex boss would do the exact opposite, just to make my life hard and make a point that I am a nobody... no matter how diplomatic I'd present this...
Hi Billa: Given that the situation was that dire and the boss so totally entrenched, you did the only thing you could do--you left. Good for you. Yes, there are some people who don't hear words and the only thing you can do is give the relationship what it needs--distance.
I been at this job for awhile and I'm getting tired of my boss. She acts rude and loud she wants you to cater to her needs and she micromanage. She's been making me go to the store for her. She treats me like I'm her personal shooper and I'm not. Also when we run out of food at lunch for the students she blames us but the blame should be on her cause she tells us not to make anymore even though I ask her ahead of time to make more. She told me to tell the kids we are cooking more even though we're not she doesn't want me to tell the students we're out of entree. Also when I haven't clocked in yet she asked me to do something I tell her but i haven't clocked in yet she say she doesn't care go do what I told you. She nit picks at certain things even though she doesn't have to.
Saying this to your boss would probably result in being sacked at the first opportunity. And using gendered language opens up an immediate opportunity for them to report the incident to HR.
@@TheWizardOfWords Saying "man to man" or "woman to woman". In the UK, sex is a protected characteristic under the Equality Act, so in an employment situation one shouldn't ordinarily refer to another person's protected characteristic. It can lead to all sorts of legal claims, and employers may be very touchy about it. Doing it also gives the other person leverage over you and leaves you vulnerable The further complication is that you may not know how the person identifies themselves.
Mr. Dan, I've got a boss who is loud and serious at all times. He tilts his head back and looks down his nose at me when I have question. Is that a narcissist?
![“อ.เบียร์ คนตื่นธรรม” มาตามคำเรียกร้อง แหกศาสตร์ฮวงจุ้ย เตือนสติอย่างมงาย | แฉ 7 พ.ย. 67 [1/3]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/5fc4S3xBNfc/mqdefault.jpg)
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Omg this is delicious!!!! I’m in bed giggling and can’t wait to try!
Your videos are always good. I didn't mean to suggest it doesn't work. In my situation I am respectful to my bosses. I was hoping they would show the same kind of respect. What happened to me has to be much deeper. Mom and pops just didn't like it. I was just a good fit for them. I'll keep on trying to love people some day I'll get a little love back. I look to see how to become a Channel member. Thank you .
My boss recently came to me, said I wasn't acting my usual self and asked if anything was up. I had tried to approach her in the past regarding certain workplace issues, but she appeared dismissive. So I gave up and began looking for work elsewhere. I felt I had nothing to lose at this point, and was honest with her, saying I didn't think the job was for me, and I felt like leaving. She pulled me into a conference room and we had a frank but respectful discussion. We agreed to meet the following week while she spoke to some higher ups and HR about the situation. Come Monday morning, she called me into the conference room and slid a paper across the table. I figured I was terminated, but was surprised to see it was an offer for a substantial raise. I am learning to become more assertive, which is a struggle because I'm naturally passive. Ironically, calmly and logically explaining how dissatisfied I was made them respect me more. Thank you for your videos. They are so helpful. 👍
Bravo and right on Michelle R!
Omg great story
Amazing! Congratulations for standing up for yourself!
I have the opposite issue, my boss thinks I don't respect him and I treat him like the cleaning lady...but I respect the cleaning lady, not sure what he means...he expects submissivness and I expect equality. He sees me as challenging his authority. I see him as a tyrant who wants people to follow him blindly. Not sure how this can be fixed. Currently we are ignoring each other
Yes 📢 this Dan
Yup
I am a cleaning lady and I get treated like shit.
Curious- Are you still at that job?
YES!!
Thanks for making this video. You are one of the few career coaches on youtube that support being assertive when dealing with coworkers & managers.
The day my boss respects me is the day I know my character has fallen to her level. She is a dreadful, cruel, competitive, and insecure woman, and a textbook narcissist. She's known to throw tantrums in the workplace and treat everyone like garbage.
I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm counting down the days when I can get out of there. Any advice in the meantime for those who go far beyond rude or passive-aggressive?
Stay well below the radar until you have the opportunity to leave. A true narcissist should be avoided at all costs.
You are an amazing communicator!! I’m blown away by your savvy technique!😍
Ok I tried some of this today. It was hard but I actually let my feelings support my communication. I told her how I felt. “Your email really hurt me and is preventing me progress in the organization. “ she had a hard time and said she needed to get back to me. I hope it goes well. I feel good and strong and confident. This is my soul speaking.
Good for you, Mosdefinitelyable.
Well…? How’d it go?
@@dominiquedoeslife Oh, I definitely got fired for that one. Haha! But, all in all, speaking up for myself results in bigger wins for my self-confidence. Feeling good, I moved on to other opportunities. :) Thanks for asking! Your content is still good. For me, speaking up for myself is more important that a job. Just my opinion.
@@Mosdefinitelyable Oh no! I’m so sorry.
@@Mosdefinitelyable I agree though. Speaking up for yourself matters.
The way you tell a story and the way that you speak, and do it with humor and in a basic way, helps it stick in my brain better. Thank you for this I am absorbing this information and I really needed exactly this one thank you
Happy to help, Zac.
I love your professionalism ❤❤❤❤
I've done it with a co worker ... it actually work... but now that I've seen your video I'll do it conciously
Great and please let us know how it goes, Sun.
I love watching your videos while I get ready for work, these inspire me to improve my communication skills! Thank you
Thanks for letting me know Gla$$$Walll. Did I get that name right?
It’s Kelly :) My profile is ancient and due for an update!
Asking for help is something i struggle with every second of the day. Thank you for bringing light to this ❤
Your tips are so helpful and you crack me up too. You make my day!
Thank you Tomasa. My byline for onsite training has always been "No more boring training--ever" because I believe it is possible to keep people awake during a seminar--or a TH-cam video. (Possible, not always easy :) )
Thank you for your message Dan I needed this dealing with a narcissistic boss too .
This video is very useful to me because it shows a way to be angry that actually delivers the essential message. I have been looking into communication to improve myself, but it always seemed to suppose that it goes alright or at least that it never gets to a dead end. Though frustrating cases do happen and just the fact the they are possible can hinder my motivation as I don't know how to handle them. Even though it may be theoretical it is good to know how you can react to them.
This channel is PURE GOLD
This is awesome thank you! I just love how they try to make it look like a mistake calling you a different name. Great way of handling that.
Excellent communication skills Sir. You are great.👍
Thanks Kamini. Please like and share!
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and insight it's always helpful...you're awesome
Thank you Dan!! Great video!!! God bless you!! 🙏💖
I have a question that I’m sure many others have. My supervisor has been singling me out for a year because I called her out on behavior that was directly lowering my teams performance and upsetting everybody. What this supervisor will do is make sure she didn’t do anything wrong, but rather one of the team members will have the blame on them. Usually, this is a result of there being some kind of invisible rule that she hasn’t told one or all of us. What can I do to maintain my image to everyone else or get her to stop doing this?
Just Moi That’s what ended up happening. Lol
Great explanation 😁
I'm sorry to say this, but narcissists don't think they do or have done anything wrong. I've never thought a supervisor would bend over backwards to change their behavior. If she's singling you out, then you'll have to wait until it blows over. And don't bring up anything again about how she treats you. If she demeans your teams performance, that's a reflection on her and you can just show them to rise above it. I'm sorry but I don't think there's anything you can do since you pointed out what she's doing. I'd like to know if you changed jobs since then or if things have gotten better.
Get everyone to tell you how she does it, then find the common thread. People like that are wolves, and they often go for the one that they think is weakest, and by that I mean in job, personality type, something that reflects their insecurities, etc. Find the pattern? You find the way to fix it with everyone on board. Gather information, but learn to do it subtly. Steer the conversation from at least two others, then, just let them talk, and you'll find out if this person is gonna tell you anything useful. If they look like they're shocked, just say, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked." This will prompt either a verbal and or non-verbal cue. Assuming you know how to read people, this will give you at least four different options if you use yes or no questions when you finally get them talking about it with open-ended questions. No matter what, be sincere.
The background is bothering my eyes lol the pattern looks like it’s moving .. i love ur content
When he said:
" But sometimes..... you Have to overturn the tables in the temple."
Then the world's explode revealing his serious gaze back at the camera.
That one moment was priceless, made me TRULY laugh
Liked, subscribed, and shared. Thank you for sharing some of your wisdom
Thanks for the subscription and for your comments, Zac. Much appreciated.
As always .. Thanks Dan 💚
Thank you for making this video this helps me so much!!!
Just this January someone took me out for a coffee, outside work premises... this was the boss, he knew I had a geniuine complaint, wasn't going to compromise on certain things and he knew I wasn't happy with how colleagues and management had handled things with me (essentialy. I had been underpaid and my feed should have been adjusted ages ago). As my results speak for themselves, he did the right thing is approached me to discuss this matter and how to improve things. Now, I was very appreciative of this, but as the higher echelons kept fu&&& g up, I am now past the point where i can care. However... ' I don't judge you for your mistakes' is one I will use very soon :-))
Damn, that was such a powerful & masterful delivery. Great video.
Many thanks for your comment. I hope you liked and will share the video.
I love this channel but does anyone have a boss that has the time to walk around the block with them?! Saying stuff like "I expect more from you" is a bit condescending, hats off to people who go ahead and take this approach tho!
You're awesome, Dan!
So true! I did just that last year at work. And I that is what I have told others, " Jesus flipped tables in the temple." And He is our example to follow. Sometimes we have to flip the tables for others to take us seriously.
That would be an interesting way to do it. Sometimes I feel that way
Thank you so much!! This will be so very helpful for me especially right now at this time.
Glad it was helpful, Ashley.
Thank you very much for this video, it change everything. It's work
s out for me.
Great to hear, and please share this video.
I needed this like you have no idea! Many thanks. You're legendary!
Fair is an annual event in some states featuring farm animals....one of my moms sayings....
Wow. This one blew me away; you are gold!
Not platinum? Come on now!
BEST, REAL Advice for the workplace that I've ever learned! I only wish I could be that straight forward AND assertive tho... especially w/ The Boss! But thank you for this! Hopefully in time, I'll learn to mix a mild amount of assertiveness into my constant people-pleasing manner (aka, constant sugar coating)!!🤞🏻🤞🏻 P.S. Such a delight to find your channel 💝☺️💝
Karen--not "A Karen" (thankfully) Please keep trying, poco a poco--to be assertive and straightforward. It's OK to be a people-pleaser, but not at the expense of your own needs. And I'm happy we found each other :)(
@@TheWizardOfWords you’re the first person I’ve heard say it’s okay to be a people pleaser. I always that was a negative trait. Interesting 🤔
I’m smarter than I thought. I did this and used a lot of the language here before I even found this channel. My boss on the last hour of the last day of training went off on me because I worked for 4 days 3 years ago by a hired contractor in the same field. I answered her line of questioning, and she literally said, omg forget it, it like pulling teeth with you. Then circled around again picking off more information, and rewording her questions. I answered and she said It not ok, and said my name in such discuss that it could not be taken any other way but as upset. So that co tinted for 20 minutes in front of 5 other people in training class. I reported to my Temp Agency what happened. 2 days went by and the response was, oh she was just questioning something, it’s ok report to work on Monday @7:45. Um no it’s clearly not ok. I feel attacked, do you think I don’t know what an attack is?
Hello Daniel, I have been enjoying your videos. I have been using your tips to deal with people in my life.
This video was very helpful. Thanks again. I'll have to keep watching your vids.
Please watch, like and share Chinkyfist. I would very much appreciate that.
Dan
Thank you for all you help and wonderful communication knowledge.
re question of saying “woman to man/Man to woman”: How about “person to person”?
Face to face
won't work boss is an animal.
I can’t imagine myself taking a walk with my boss 😅, you have taught me so much, I have become a better communicator and I am pleasantly surprised 🥳 thank you for your videos I have even shared with my friends because they are essential
You are so welcome.
What do you do if you politely stand up for yourself to a passive aggressive boss, and tell her how you feel about a certain situation, but she then turns it around on you and plays the victim? I politely stood up for myself because she acted out of line and was very disrespectful to me, and in turn she got offended and said, "No one speaks to me that way!" I was very polite and said phrases like, "I feel like", and was in no way disrespectful to her. Yet, she got very defensive. She also at times will say one thing one day, and then redact that statement a few days later. Can't ever stick to one plan, and is constantly changing things from one day to the next. It's very frustrating. I want to have a good relationship with her, but when she gets in these passive aggressive, high all mighty moods it makes it very difficult to deal with. I also understand that she is in the authority to act high and all mighty since she is my boss, but at the same time she should respect her employees at all times, and they should be able to communicate their feelings or concerns without the backlash in return.
Meegan, I can't answer that question without having been there because tone and posture are a very real part of the message you delivered. And some people, even when you perfectly deliver a message, will become defensive. All you can do is your best, and then decide whether or not you can live with this person's erratic behavior.
Thank you for sharing Meegan. I would love to hear if you are still in the same position and the same boss, and how that all goes nowadays. I am in a similar position and I was told that I come across as offensive even though I try my best to stay professional and polite. I guess you cannot please everyone. However, my boss dismisses any of my: "I feel like" or "This makes me feel" and takes it against me. Still trialling different strategies to manage my emotions to manage to coexist with them as I actually love my job. I feel assertiveness and setting boundaries are not even heard. To make the picture a bit more complete, I am a super strong personality and a high achiever and no one would dispute that if they were honest. I see all as learning and personal/professional development opportunities. All the best :)
Dan is SO wise!
Thank you!!
Brilliant Dan!
Dont choose the roof top to talk though,it be awful if an accident happened 🤣
🤣🤣🤣 I had the same tought - 😆 - it would be to big temptetion for me.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😅🤣😂🤣😅
Thank you 🎉
these are so so helpful!!
Glad you think so!
Thank you
Love this video 🎉 As a man raised by a narcissistic father and in a feminist culture who constantly bombards men to be passive and harmless and submissive, I find your content incredibly helpful. Thank you! 🎉🎉
You're welcome, Rudy, and please check this out. th-cam.com/video/CXCUmkfMNDk/w-d-xo.htmlsi=4G1MBK6LVNoUAmhm
Brilliant. Elegant. Empowering, Full of integrity. Thank you! I especially appreciate your underlying thread of loving expression. I hope you are with people who love you, too ^u^
You’re amazing!!!! Glad I found you!!!!!😢😂😮😊😊🎉🎉❤
Oh my gosh.. your just amazing!!!!!!😮😮😮😅😅😊😊😊😊😊😊
Thanks!
That is sooo funny! I've once hada boss that kept calling me by my official name instead of the one on my name tag! Lol! It was on purpose and I was too timid to correct her. Listen to Dan! I regret not standing up to her. Thanks Dan!
Good day, Dan.
Good day, Shayla.
Lol! I found you 5 days ago. This is my favorite video so far. Lol
Dan, wishing you a speedy recovery.
After much abuse, I grew a backbone, looked at boss man direct in the eyes and told him to deal with me as a professional. He's backed off since.
Proving that it CAN be done and you WILL be respected.
Dan… I work 100% remotely. My boss changed toward me after the higher ups complimented me. I’m going to try your ideas.
Let me know, Arizona.
At first I was like no way would I say that to my boss but I get it in context it totally works!
I think so, ActionAimz.
Love this
Many thanks and please spread the word :)
Very interesting. I started a job last month and my manager has changed my name from Ruth to Lucy! At first I was kinda like “I don’t care” (the reason for the name change being I teach foreign kids who might find it hard to pronounce Ruth), but it’s started to really piss me off, especially as she barks orders “Lucy! Do this/that”. So another manager, who may be her boss, haven’t figured out the hierarchy yet, has told me she doesn’t agree with it because the kids need to learn how to pronounce sounds that are hard for them, so going to have a chat with line manager about it this week and ask to be called my actual name! So this was very helpful 🙏
Glad to be of help, and btw, as a former teacher, I'm going to weigh in: Your name is Ruth; that is what you should be called.
Online Communication Skills Training Courses thanks so much for your reply Dan! I spoke to her about it today using your tips and it went well, I’m now Ruth again 😂 I also asked her to stop manhandling me which she had been doing the past couple of days, roughly grabbing my arm, so the video you did on asking people to stop touching you also came in useful! Love your work 🙌
Omg unbelievable
I am so grateful to be retired from the workplace. Thank GOD!
#Truth.Be.Told.
Thanks so much!!!🦋🦋🦋
Very helpful and I can tell you enjoy turning the tables very much 😁
I would like you as my lawyer whenever I am in my people pleaser mode 😄
Deal!
Will you offer any more training in the future? I just discovered you today. There were references to signing up but only for a limited time & I see nothing about it below. I am bummed about getting in late. Thank you.
Ruefus, training is my life. If you want to take a look at my upcoming course that is currently on pre-sale, as well as my VIP package and individual training courses, go to www.danoconnortraining.com/ and click the "learn more" link at the top of the page for information on my pre-sale new course, and click "shop" to see everything else. You haven't missed a thing. I'd love to welcome you to my training!
Dan
Whoa. I can't believe you answered that quick. Thank you.
love this videoo on the GGGGGsSpot!!!
God said, "let there be Dan"!
HAHAHAHA, thanks Johnnie. Don't let my mother see this. She'll call it blasphemy. :)
My team are very focused on framing anything with positive words. But we notice that something can be fine when spoken, yet can seem presumptuous or passive aggressive if expressed via email.
For example, when speaking:
"Would you mind helping me with ...?" The collaborative answer is "no", implying "I don't mind - but it seems counter-intuitive to say "no" when agreeing to do engage in something. INSTEAD we ask simply, "Would you help me with ...?" to which one can answer, "Yes" - and this feels like a better response that moves both parties forward.
However, in writing, the simpler version seems too abrupt.
Do you have any videos/tips on adapting best phrases depending on the delivery format (spoken vs. written)? Or, perhaps there's a different way altogether of posing such a question.
Thanks, Dan. 🙏
Dan. I work in an unprofessional environment have a foreman who includes the other team members in our arguments because she has them wrapped around her fake ass. I just usually don’t say anything most of the time and don’t make buddies as I just put my head down and work. Sometimes though I try to make a suggestion to my foreman and that’s when it blows up. I don’t know what to do in those situations when she is trying to get me to look like an idiot in front of her “support crew”. I have no support. My main boss tells me to just be neutral but he does not see it happening. Anyone else have any suggestions too?
Your best bet is too hardcore ignore everyone there. Be the most unpleasant person to be around and at the same time study the job and be better than all of them. They will crave your respect. But ignore the sirens. Eventually, you will have a couple of followers who will admire you because of how good at your job rather than a piece of silicon on your foreman backside. Develop your stamina, attention to detail, and maintain a good track record and keep them far off even when they try to buddy up with you because I promise you they will.
Record that shit send it to HR or HR hotline. Sue them. Just make sure to know the recording laws in your state.
@@mulan7015 you can't record at work unfortunately :( not allowed
@@mela.1060ha ha doesn’t stop any of my workplaces…seriously WTH?! Lawyers, anyone?!
I wouldn’t recommend using the word hostile at work. At the mention of that word in some workplaces policies are in place that immediately when a supervisor hears it he/she must report it. So unless you want to escalate things be aware of internal policies before using this word.
Good point, Juliane. Words matter.
Dan I really want to do this however there is a language barrier. What should I do?
You'll have to work on you linguistic skills, FI.
And when you’re well-seasoned you would say right there that you don’t go by that name. Then don’t answer to what is not your called name. “Why do you keep calling me Mary when I don’t go by that”
I wish I wish I had your Gift. Thanks so much :)
Can you do a video on how to deal with a narcissistic boss?
Check my YT channel; been there, done that.
My boss wants me to step up my goals and I asked to job shadow her position, (because i want to become a supervisor) its been 2 years and each year this is the reply" you can but its boring, send me the request again but if you dont want too, its okay"
She is a bully and can be aggressive...what do i say!?
i fear for those who try to be rude to you! You seem very socially adept, how did you learn all this, man?
I watch and I listen and try to learn while keeping an open mind, whether I am in a classroom, a boardroom, or a laundry room. Also, I had wonderful teachers in my parents and grandparents. They taught me that education isn't just gained in a classroom, though that's an all right place to start. Rather, education is the sum total of man's knowledge and experience. So I try to accumulate both. Which brings me back to listening to and learning from all people with an open mind. You can develop a treasure trove of wisdom if you start from the premise that ALL PEOPLE HAVE VALUE and all people have a contribution to make and all people have something to say. Once you determine that--then you listen.
Good advice but I don’t think it’d work with most bosses. You can get fired or harassed in a passive way (oxymoron maybe?). Be careful using this with your boss. But with others? Oh yeah, baby!
I agree with you. When they need you, you can stand on their head they wouldn't mind. On the other hand, when you seem redundant, nothing you say will be taken seriously.
How do you handle a situation wherein you're new (6 weeks), and your boss sends you an email on a Saturday letting you know they are planning to meet with you regarding information they received from "their sources" about conversations and situations that took place during her absence last week. And wants to talk about training, organizational structure, team dynamics and expectations, and ends it with, "I just wanted to give you a heads up". I was taken back! Background: the team doesn't follow written policy, the manager has spoken disparagly of at least 2 other staff members, and I come from a compliance background which is why I was asked to join the team. I'm now feeling like I have to abandon my work ethic and shrink back as if leadership makes decisions based on emotion rather what's in the best interest of the organization.
Whatever transpires, deal with it without emotion. Insist on specifics and facts and address those specifics and facts keeping your ethics intact always. If you have not violated company policy or your own ethics, don't be afraid of such meetings. If your supervisor is passing along gossip, point that out and point out what is the fact and the truth. Keep everything objective and very specific. In other words do not engage in generalities and do not allow her to engage in generalities. Do not be put off by her foolish warning.
@TheWizardOfWords Thank you for your insight and I appreciate that it aligns with my initial thoughts on having this discussion. I didn't reply to the warning btw. You're channel is exrtremely informative...many thanks again.
I’d just look behind me and say, “Mary?” “Who’s Mary?” LOL
How can you ever have this conversation if " the boss" says "no, I haven't got the time". basically to listen to your conversation. Nor do they want to, or "smell a rat" conversation coming. Or honestly don't care about your personal agenda? In so many cases "the boss". really doesn't give a darn as long as the work is getting completed correctly on time. Frankly if I heard all this non-sense I'd be finding a way for you to take your job to a different department or out the door. Usually, a simple phrase like" Ms. Boss I prefer to be call by my middle name Lee Anne." every time she addressed me by my un-used name of Mary. And after I asked her a number of times to address me by me preferred name I would go to HR and complain. That is their job to correct this person not you, that way it's on record if your in a larger company. If you're in a smaller one I would politely continue to ask her to address you by LeeAnne or ignore her when she calls you by Mary. You can rarely change someone else's behavior, you can only control your own, how you react to other's behavior, if you choose to react at all. This might work with a co-worker giving you passive aggressive issues, and there are a number of phrases that would work well here.
100% agree. It's training ourselves, stoicism, or whatever. My time and energy is precious, my paycheck is my goal at work. Everything else is not significant or worth reacting to personally
I've tried these with employees and it works but doesn't work for a boss or a supervisor. They think they are always right and they do no wrong. Even as a manager to manager they have taken it the wrong way.
Great advice, but it Wouldnt work with my boss, unfortunately.
I wonder if this would play out well on the long run
Why wouldn't it, Andrestifyable?
A cigarette with your lung’s name all over it 🤣🤣🤣
Yep.
OMG TRIXIE 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. Awesome advice
My boss when wanting to talk, always says not now or we’re not going to talk about that now. This manager seems like he’s not aware of his incompetence and have created skills to avoid explaining or avoid the whole issue. So what should I do or say that I demand to have a talk with you?! Why do upper management and do checks or ask staff that’s under this manager on how they’re doing?
I would send my boss an email requesting an appointment at his earliest convenience.
I did. Now I don't have a job. I feel like a failure. I loved my job. Is it because I let them know they couldn't schedule us to be on call without pay? They said they have to let me go because I can't remember the processes while putting jewelry together. Yet I completed everything and the customers were happy.
People don’t care sue their ass like a boss.
HI Dan hope your burns heal soon maybe some aloe Vera will quicken the wound or rx silver sulfadiazine cream
My boss dismisses every good thing I try to do that would improve work life. I type a form that's beneficial to customers, she shreds it when I'm gone. And talks about EVERYONE behind their backs. I'm not a threat because God knows I love 3rd shift and I don't want to be a GM!
Person to person evens the playing field.
Right.
Would you understand why a male passive aggressive boss might lay into one person real fast (30 seconds) yet say nothing to two managers who exceeded his dislike in a self interested way rather than a functional way?
Example: Set the thermostat at 60 F to prevent freezing 🥶 pipes and the man laid into me due to expenses. Guess supposed to freeze too. Two managers set the temperatures at 68 F when they arrive yet when the day is done all is turned off. Long story short, the man fully laid into me. I sat in no heat all winter because didn't want to lose the position yet never see him. Pipes froze. Pipes burst. The cleanup fell in my hands since I walked into it. Drenched from head to toe. How could I have gone about getting him to spend 5 minutes listening to "afraid the pipes will freeze, we need to address this"? I said this yet he was racing off and stays in a remote office. He'll say he didn't hear me (his back was to me). Fully realize there is a tradeoff between prevention and expense yet he's not listening to reason. When the time comes its like nothing was said. Also, if he said, "set at this temperature only" that's simple. OR "is it possible he's angry and merely taking his frustration out on me?"
This should be easy yet the powers that be seem to "hit and run".
Any insites you might have, much appreciated.
I suggest you concentrate on the future. Sit down with this man and agree on a temperature for cold weather. Even 68 sounds very cold to me. 72 sounds reasonable. Agree in advance, when he is not angry or frustrated about ANYTHING. If you can't agree, find a new job. He is literally freezing you out.
But if they are difficult to begin with, they won't budge, in fact my ex boss would do the exact opposite, just to make my life hard and make a point that I am a nobody... no matter how diplomatic I'd present this...
Hi Billa: Given that the situation was that dire and the boss so totally entrenched, you did the only thing you could do--you left. Good for you. Yes, there are some people who don't hear words and the only thing you can do is give the relationship what it needs--distance.
I been at this job for awhile and I'm getting tired of my boss. She acts rude and loud she wants you to cater to her needs and she micromanage. She's been making me go to the store for her. She treats me like I'm her personal shooper and I'm not. Also when we run out of food at lunch for the students she blames us but the blame should be on her cause she tells us not to make anymore even though I ask her ahead of time to make more. She told me to tell the kids we are cooking more even though we're not she doesn't want me to tell the students we're out of entree. Also when I haven't clocked in yet she asked me to do something I tell her but i haven't clocked in yet she say she doesn't care go do what I told you. She nit picks at certain things even though she doesn't have to.
You know what to do.
why would you continue working with that :O take control of YOUR life
Saying this to your boss would probably result in being sacked at the first opportunity. And using gendered language opens up an immediate opportunity for them to report the incident to HR.
Could you elaborate on the "gendered language" part? Thanks, Adult.
@@TheWizardOfWords Saying "man to man" or "woman to woman". In the UK, sex is a protected characteristic under the Equality Act, so in an employment situation one shouldn't ordinarily refer to another person's protected characteristic. It can lead to all sorts of legal claims, and employers may be very touchy about it. Doing it also gives the other person leverage over you and leaves you vulnerable The further complication is that you may not know how the person identifies themselves.
I’m being treated unequally”
Is there any possibility to ignore someone trying to embrass you of others?
Can this work on a zoom call?
It would be tricky on a Zoom call.
Mr. Dan, I've got a boss who is loud and serious at all times. He tilts his head back and looks down his nose at me when I have question. Is that a narcissist?