Defo compulsive lying. It's because their mind and reality changes by the hour. They are talking to you, tell you Tom was awful and a shit person, walk out the door see Tom and remember all the good bits, then Tom is amazing again and your a piece of shit. See you again and your the person whose treated them best in the world and Tom is a total bastard. They are nuts !
And cheating can be emotional cheating too. Or they withhold intimacy and emotional support and basic validation. And begin to ideolise others while devaluing you. Triangulation is another one
Hey, I find BPD & Vulnerable NPD very similar. The big difference seems to be self -harming for BPD. My advice for anyone dealing with someone who may have one or both of these disorders is to simply exit stage right ASAP! I’m just now starting to recover from the trauma bond that develops in these relationships. It’s just terrible and spirit crushing. Thanks for all you do.
One day he talks about kids and marriage, joining bank accounts, phone accounts, putting me on his car insurance, to saying he wants to break up. He always says hes fat and ugly, then the next says hes the best looking guy and doesnt care what people think. Says I dont like or love him, then says he knows I love him. He gets mad at people and literally says he wants to fight them or kill them and has no remorse for how he acted. Switches between saying he wants to be with me then we shouldn’t. He plays sick mind games with me to have power and control. He always tells me stories of all his exes to guilt trip me into acting how he wants me to. He says hes suicidal and he got on antidepressants, his mood started to get better so I was excited for him. He kept saying he feels a dark energy and wants to hurt someone so bad. He wants to go to a bar to start a fight. He tells me stories multiple times, but leaves out huge details. I will bring it up to him that he left something out. An example: he told me he blocked his ex (his ex kept calling him when we first met, she showed up at his door. He said he doesnt want her calling him and he doesnt know why she wont leave him alone. He broke up with her and continued to have sex and love bomb her. He met me and discarded her) anyways he said he blocked her. After corona, he said that she is gettinng paid more bc she is a travel nurse. I didnt say anything at the time, but i brought it up to him that why he said she said that if she was blocked? He said im crazy and he never said that. There were so many stories like this.. he said i mentally abusive him because i bring up his lies and he said he cant tell me anything anymore because i always twist what he says. When we first met he told me he was sexually abused by his brother and spoke about his exes for hours. He love bombed me and told me he finally found the one and started speaking of babies and marriage, moving in. He told me in the beginning he never had sex without a condom and that im special because we did that. A few weeks before we broke up. He told me stories about his exes and that he didn’t use condoms and they were on birth control. Thats the type of stuff i would confront him on. Him lying to me like why? He said by me confronting him is mental abuse! Am I crazy or what?! He try to turn me against my family. Like this is crazy and my therapist said he is abusing me and has the power in the relationship
Drop that disgusting guy... borderlines can be extremely toxic and like everything you mentioned, and why there are so many relationship horror stories with these types of people. The red flags are there and you’re just locking yourself in a life time of pain while not getting much back.
@@Radbiker33357 we have been broken up for 3 months. He moved to another state after declaring his love for me and guilt tripping me for $1000 😂 i can’t believe i feel for it.. then he just moves and ghosts me. Im glad i’m not under his spell or control anymore
@@lovingme6896 yup, I completely understand where you’re coming. Mine swooned me when we were falling apart towards the end to pay $300 to fix her car, and then she uses said car to go mess with my “friend/acquaintance!” They got married within 2-3 weeks after that and now they live together. He’s got some money but mainly from his dad since he owns a smoke shop, but it seems like he’s already pouring tons of money into her already and it’s going to come back to haunt him. Her true side will show and it will be a true financial and emotional burden for him, so screw that guy lol. If anything I’m not sure if I should feel pity or hate for her. Her mom and grandma are pretty abusive and her dad is a serial cheater who drinks and doesn’t go anywhere in life. I can’t help but feel it was a sad and awful upbringing that caused it, but for her to do that crap to me makes me feel resentful, especially with how much I was there to support her. These people are pretty evil and she almost ruined my life. I got extremely lucky and so did you. So I’m glad you got out of it while you could! Cuz it’s a MILLION times better without the abuse.
As a BPD male, he doesn’t sugar coat a lot of behaviour like many others do and it’s refreshing. We aren’t always bad people but have the capability of spitting into a horrible person at any moment. I argue that we aren’t too far off Narcissists when wounded(real or imagined). I had one relationship with a narcissistic woman and they win at first until we turn into the ruthless psycho. Woe unto a narcissist or anyone for that matter if you think you can be as manipulative and emotionally cruel as a wounded Borderline. I don’t recommended you get involved with one that hasn’t done serious therapy. Protect yourselves from our issues.
If a borderline person feel abandoned, for any reason in their minds, they will act like a psychopath, that is my experience. Because of a borderline woman, i dont wanna any relationship anymore. I learned love being alone.
''... i don't wanna any relationship anymore. I learned love being alone.''...You might be very surprised by how many people think like you do, for I am one of them.
I only met one borderline, when I think honestly about it all women I ever met had some of those traits to some extent, and that made me rethink my opinions on normal women, and no, this is not a matter of me attracting this type of women because when I talk to married and committed men, they typically have the same problems.
God! I cannot believe that you are the only person in the whole world who opened my eyes to the truth about what BPD personality Defacto is. It is clear to me now that I should trash all psychiatric material about borderline that I saved in my Drafts: "You must understand how terribly unhappy BPD-s are; you must help them; you must show them your love, and if you think they may become physically abusive sometimes, leave, go to a hotel or a friend..." So, they are dangerous for you only when they may become physically abusive. REALLY?! Ladies and gentlemen psycho-chiatrists, why don't you listen to a real expert in BPD for a change?! THANK YOU, David! I'm so sorry for all the horror in your life which you skillfully turned into your aftermath life vocation. I bow to you.
This is a great explanation and description of the traits. I learned so much about BPD after I split from my wife. She was diagnosed near the end of our relationship, for I thought everything was my fault and I (and we) started therapy. Once I realized all the anger, gaslighting, devaluation, belittling, sarcasm, criticism and rages she threw at me wasn't my fault. I felt a sense of relief knowing that I really wasn't crazy (I sure felt like it during the relationship), that it wasn't my fault and I'm not alone. Connecting with others that have experienced a relationship with a person with BPD has helped me heal tremendously. It was a traumatic experience and I'm still in therapy recovering (9 months removed). But I can see 7 of these traits in my ex. I certainly relate to all things listed on page 10 of 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'.
I can't believe there's not more views and subscribers to your channel..I have watched alot of TH-cam'rs talk about narcissism and Borderline personality disorder, and you would have to be one who I've heard explain it so well and so clear for the viewers to understand, these videos you are making are so informative and are helping people giving them validation and information,you won't hear this accurate information from any mental health care. Thankyou for your wisdom
Thank you so much for all your help! I am going through a divorce right now with a wife that was told she was consistent with BPD by our marriage counselor. I feel like I am crazy at times...your videos are a breath of fresh air for sure. -Mike from Granbury, TX
it weird because my ex actually taught me about all of this.. but she was using it to gaslight me into staying with her.. she gone. sad girl.. this showed me so much though. thank u
It’s sad because even with the flaws . You love that person so much. But it’s something you can’t handle. I wanted to stay… but I just couldn’t. 5 year relationship with bpd/npd
Yep, thats the stinger ! Lived together 5 years, then break up, apart 5 years, then back again 1.5 years. Learned about these subjectsduring the away part...got my answer after the last round, i was focusing on her actions more vs the words. Sad. Live and learn !
@@daviddemars That's why your an expert on bpd.I can hear it in your voice when your talking about it.Thanks David.KB from CT.Next time im in Vegas I'll buy you a drink on top of the world at the strat...
Thanks for explaining it with examples. And I agree it's contagious - the frustration of dealing with this made me crazy in the end with anxiety and confusion.
This is so helpful. It helps me sort my mind out. Anymore you can't leave your house without encountering people with serious problems. Trying to navigate this landscape can leave me wanting to isolate. I hope you guys are paying close attention because this is the only real help available when you're dealing with people like this. The majority of so called mental health professionals are in complete denial that this is so prevalent in society.
My mom abused me growing up and i left home 11 years ago.i sent her a letter to heal myself telling her how she made me feel. She refused to show my brother the letter as she would reveal her true colours to him..but he sided with her anyway and didnt care about my mental health enough to understand. I thought we were close. But i feel no regrets sending the letter. Ive lost my relationship with my brother because of it but healing comes with sacrifices i guess.thank you for all the courage your videos have given me to do this. It means alot xxx
David during the lockdown ive really took the time to work on myself and for the first time ever I began to love myself and embrace being single . The last few weeks people who I haven't seen in years began reaching out . I have wedding invitations party invites , people dropping round to see me and people wanting to spend time with me and a couple of women wanting a date . But you know what ..... I've realised I dont need these people to be happy , im happy anyway but it's nice to be in demand lol .people can sense the change in me So thankyou David due to you and people like you i feel im at a place in life i never thought id be , my life is so different now . You work hard to help us so here's one success story for you . Thanks again you really are helping people 👍
@@Joshdifferent still wounded, but healing well. Did the obligatory hoover which went as expected. Glad that happened as I really got to see her eyes wide open. No contact and time. But no contact is essential. They are broken people and will bring only chaos.
Did you notice signs early on? I’m convinced my fiancé has it but the splitting and devaluation didn’t start until 8 months in. There was no love bombing or obvious idealization so I missed it. Early on, we’d have occasional miscommunications but handled everything in a healthy way so the splitting hit me like a bus.
I did notice pretty early on. Within the first month. Super clingy, idealisation, black and white thinking. To her credit she told me she had been diagnosed but I was uneducated in the subject area and assumed the pills she was taking were most sufficient. The ups with a diagnosed borderline are the greatest high out there. The devaluation always comes though and it sucks like you can’t imagine. They’re in love with a snapshot internalised image of you that only exists in their head. Compared to that you’ll always fall short. What comes next… well that’s what these videos are for. They’ll help when the time comes. And it will come. Best of luck
Jim from Ohio, wow so true about this being contagious. I'm working very hard on a daily basis to change the bad habits acquired by being with my ex for 6 years.
I Hate You, Don't Leave Me is the perfect book that describes bpd. I have bpd and have dated narc/sociopathic men. The cycle continues until you introspect and stop it
@@daviddemars Good choices are decided and made one day away a time. I'm not a kid. I'm 63. Some might say , "just get over it" and I reply "instead I'll live the rest of my life free. Freedom. Scary, challenging, amazing freedom. " So thank you. Nothing personal but i hope our days together will be limited and I'll fly away free.... and i know if i need to return for a tune-up it's ok. "
Hi David. Jeannie from New England... I believe that my daughter (22) has undiagnosed BPD. I would say I noticed risky behaviors early on with shoplifting even when I was buying her some items specifically. She had lots of inappropriate angry explosions and frequently said she wished she was dead. Especially since she was 15 myself especially and the rest of the family always felt we were walking on egg shells because such little things or simple gestures such as a greeting would elicit such angry responses. I did not know how to deal with her. Eventually I convinced her to seek help and they wanted her sectioned for evaluation. She begged me to get her out. Sadly I did because I think I wanted her to love me for assisting her. Sounds sick I know but as a mom I felt constantly rejected by her. Years later she still is unstable and physically assaulted her BF multiple times but he kept taking her back. In February she assaulted me for telling her not to park on the lawn. So many other negative things including blaming us for not paying for everything in her life like car, phone etc., drinking to excess and pot...stealing again as well. She left the house when we said no more BF sleeping over. She says she hates me. That I am to blame for all that is wrong in her life. There has been no contact for 4 months now. I told her that I think she has BPD and there is help. She disagrees and won’t seek help. Since she is 22, do you think this may turn around? Currently she is living with the BF’s family in which I believe his mom has a mood disorder herself. Is there hope? Or is it likely that my relationship is severed indefinitely? Thank you so much for your help. I appreciate your videos and clear dialogue ❤️
You can't blame yourself for how a person is when they're grown, sometimes you can do everything "right", but they'll still fall off the track. You sound like a good mom to me, but I think its important to stand up for yourself. Don't let her take advantage, or assualt you ever again. Having a BPD child is one of the biggest struggles, give yourself some good credit. I hope you can find some answers.
Hello Jeanie, thank you very much and I am so sorry for your pain and suffering. There is always hope for everyone to be a better person but it's all up to her. Try to forgive yourself and protect yourself now. This is now all about either she gets the help she needs and cna show you how she will never abuse you again or she is not in your life because if she is then you are only enabling her. When people are in an untreated and abusive Borderlines life, they are only enabling them to not be responsible. Good luck and love yourself Mom!
DeMars Coaching thank you very much for your response ❤️ Yes, I can see how I was enabling all this chaos. It’s very heartbreaking because I cannot help just like you pointed out. I can only hope she wants a better existence for herself. Only then can she have any meaningful relationships. For now I try to focus on the positive people in my life. There are many. Again thank you for taking time to answer my question.
After living loving someone near and I thought dear to me..I am not able to help anyone heal but myself....you can't change what you won't acknowledge. .
I believe firmly that BPD runs in family. My ex husband, his mom and his sister all have BPD. His dad is s vegetable. He’s being punched by his wife for a few decades and now suffers from traumatic brain injuries.
I don't think that's healthy to push about other Cluster Bs. If we create these labels then tell people if they fall into one that they have no hope of changing, they will give up.
I am so grateful for the idea that going through a bad break up can make me seem borderline. I am doing so well now. I have turned the corner finally. Thank you for all you do. F. L. Y.
I understand so much better now! Its hard to accept that someone who you thought loved you just used you and abuse you! Its being painful but your vídeos really help me! I think my ex maybe more a bordeline than a narcissist, even though a psicologist diagnosed him as a narcissist. I believe more in coaches like you than therapists, since they dont know much about these disorders. Unless they themselves have being victims of these personalities too! Thank you so much David!
Thanks for your videos David they have significantly helped me come to terms with what happened to me, why I allowed it to happen, and how I can prevent it from happening again. Appreciate you.
I left her first for about a week. I got what I feel is the only genuine appology I ever got from her to come back. In the rest of the time we were together, she left 5 to 7 times. This last time she left, I decided I wasn't going after her to come back.
If he has 0 remorse over his actions, it's probavly not borderline. Borderline usually feel sorry for their actions after and punish themselves for it exactly how they punish the others around
My mother in law frequently punches her husband in front of her grandkids for no apparent reasons , scolds her adult daughters in public, and calls everyone fat. She was laughing one minute and then yelling the next, and then followed by crying. She is afraid that her adult children will abandon her. She is obese and always binges on food. She argues with anyone and everyone she comes across with. She has verbal diarrhea and won’t shut up after talking for two hours straight. She wont hear or listen to people when they talk. Does she have borderline personality disorder? Her two adults children are both narcissistic. And her husband is a codependent who lost his voice years ago. What do you think?
Heya, I just want to say thank you so much. I've literally just found your channel this afternoon and, honestly, thank God I did. I was discarded horribly by my partner last week after 3.5 yrs of an on and of relationship. The first year and a half was full on abuse, with the incredibly stressful love bombing/devalue/love bombing cycle. I'd always thought she was potentially narcissistic, but I wasn't convinced. I was completely ruined after this year and a half and became someone I hated. I lost myself. She started going to therapy and i truly believed shed changed. But there were signs.. she even made a comment that she'd turned her anger inward. Anyway i thought she loved me. Then amonth ago she ended it. She tried to come back, but I found out a couple of weeks ago that she'd been seeing a younger girl. And details kept changing. She just can't tell the truth. The coldest thing is that i blamed myself for her cheating and so did she. I wanted to fix it. But i was upset about the cheating and she said she couldn't handle me being upset with her and we just aren't good for each other. All because she refused to unfriend this girl on instagram because it goes against her values. I feel embarrassed even typing that. So now it's done and I'm left feeling almost violated and so heartbroken. The sudden switch was like her earlier behavior but I couldn't imagine her doing it now. She hasn't been diagnosed but everything you've talked about...its like youve mapped out her behaviors right there for me. I feel completely changed by all of this and have so much work to do to heal. This video in particular will help me in those moments where all i want to do is run to her. There is nothing to run to.
Wow. This is the best and most amazing analysis and description of borderline personality disorder that I have found and I have done a LOT of research. I am finally extricated from a relationship with someone who has eight and possibly nine of these hallmarks. I love this straight talk, I love this emphatic talk, and I love the clear descriptions that are much clearer than other sites. Thank you.
I just discovered your channel it has been like a lightbulb in the dark for me. What me and my children are going through is horrific with my ex. Nine years in Family Court. Constant false accusations in fact now I’m dealing with the fourth false accusation of sexual abuse and haven’t seen my children for two weeks as investigation is ongoing. In the past I have also been accused of having plans to murder my children everything has been unsubstantiated. My ex attempted for restraining orders none granted. She has done police removals of our children only to have her evidence to prove my case in District Court. This has gone on for nine years.Please can you do a piece on the borderline abuser Who is also a parent. My children are being abused and the court seems to favor abusers over loving parents all evidence ignored and massive perjury stripped me of legal and physical custody‘s. This has been a nightmare. I am now dealing with a court order that forces me into a codependent dysfunctional dynamic of abuse with a control freak/borderline Who craves and needs control to exist.
Hi From California. I started a friendship recently. I thought it was going well. Then one day, I was told they doubted my behavior. When I asked what behavior I had to make them feel that way, they said I didn't call when I said I did on three separate occasions. This was the first time they had brought it to my attention. I was flabbergasted. I apologized, but I was given three strikes - I am out. I am confused. I thought people are complex and we make mistakes? I didn't think their reaction was proportionate to my "misdeed". Was this a "healthy" discard? Is their doubt a bpd trait or was i truly in the wrong? Thank you. I would like to not repeat this pattern if it is something I could fix.
Been in a relationship off and on with 1 for 8 years. Her 8 year old was 3 months old when we met and he called me dad for quite awhile. Until he met his "real" dad. We've lived together basically right away. Difficult is an understatement. I love her so damn much, and i cant/dont force myself to stay away. This time ive been moved out since july. Longest we've been separated.
Thank you! This video is very helpful to better understand these complex disorders and it’s helpful to know this stuff. This info would have been SO helpful before choosing a partner. Lol
I have a question, and it may just be that this is not really doable. I find myself floating back into wondering whether my wife has NPD or BPD. She is covert but ticks all 9 NPD traits and most for BPD, with some of these particularly strong. Is it possible to do a video going through BPD traits from the perspective of someone with NPD and vice versa? Then perhaps explaining why the differences in behavior might be. For example, my wife constantly attacks my family and interests I hold dear, and rather than hold back when I was going through a difficult family time, she pushed harder. There's an obvious need there to be centre of my universe and my purpose in life is to satisfy her everlasting list of desires. I could argue this is manipulative or lacking empathy, but could also be paranoia or a fear of being abandoned. Do you think this could be doable, or a non-starter? Either way, thank you for the videos. They are very informative.
Hi Alex, Doctors typically go with the most traits. Try looking in to antisocial personality disorder, as well. This is a common concern and just know most Doctors dont want to diagnose with comorbid personality disorders. Sometimes one Doctor will give a diagnosis while the next Doctor gives a different one. It's not so black and white, anyone who has one personality disorder will be higher on the spectrum of all disorders than healthy people.
Hi Dr DeMars, thanks very much for responding. I've looked at antisocial personality disorder as well, but I don't think it matches up nearly as strongly as NPD or BPD. We have 2 young children, so I am not letting her hit rock bottom. The reason for stating this is perhaps there's a further negative side I have not yet seen. I'm far less convinced by this though. I have to agree with the grey area. Seems very difficult to differentiate with some behavioural traits.
Why do I see certain therapists and even psychologists, encouraging people to remain in these relationships? That they'll be okay, that there is hope for their intimate relationship. They present on TH-cam and other places, secretly hiding their diagnosis Why? No judgement, I'm looking for an answer as it seems hopeless to have a serious, committed relationship with someone who has BPD. If they can't see themselves, they can't see the other person.
Hi,David .Marii from Amsterdam, my escape from a frienship hurts but had 2 reasons to get help.1 her red flasgs gave me unease. 2 her tears like eyes told storys esp the one about a discotheek in london where she and 2 boys .... the pure and intell girl mixed with This in my mind messed my love level up . She said she made a controlled week in her agenda bit afraid once will loose control again . I spoke many and gave my key but she gave it back later after the advise i have given and told her about my talk to her student c . After 2 weeks and 1 once day it is her doing no contact . You help me a lot to let her go . LIKE the man in the dessert on fire it feels .she lives 1 hour a and the not to seek her .her persona is so diff.scary .
Let"s say you're in love with a borderliner, I had a previous relation ship with a border liner that lasted 28 years, the mother of my children. The woman I see now has also at least 5 elements of borderline. Let's presume I do want to keep the relationship going, I'm a emotional very strong person ( with expirience in borderliners ) . Can I use the fear of abandonnement and need of attention in my advance to keep her in line, last week I told her if she didn't love me than it was over, I only see her in the weekend, when I came there she told me that she was afraid that I would leave her because the last few month sex wasn't great ( which is my fault due to stress and anxiety, not hers ) So it looks that leaving her can keep her in line if she fears to be left. Am I correct or is it a faulty way of thinking ?
2:52 estrangement from mother- help me out here. I’m the mom, my adult child has BPD. I’ve been accused of horrible, either untrue or grossly exaggerated things and now being blocked from her life. What is the connection? Please help me understand.
I have it and been abused by narcissists most of my life. I’m in DBT and trying to get better but in some ways I feel like I’m going backwards.. I just don’t really know who I am.. I’m just here and don’t know why.
from my personal experience... I picked up some of her traits.. and questioned if i was.. but i think it's just traits.. i dont think you're a narcissist.. if you're asking if you're a narcassist you're probably not.
Can it be more or less.. not if you have or not?? Ive been wondering for soo long if i have borderline.. i think i actually i do, but i try to manage so i dont end up in situations which are bad for me or others.. do you also know why borderline exists?? You talk about hormones which are one of the reasons possibly that i have chronic fatigue.. im also on to bineural fatigue is a cause for many "mental illnesses" or psyical illnesse ( i think they arent seperate). I also think the detox is a problem so its usually toxicity that is the actual cause.. what do you think? Thanks for your videos :)
I also have trauma from this situation.. actually not the illness itself which was very very hard but more of how ive been treated by society and healthcare system and also insurance ... it has cause me trauma beeing so poorly helped.. acyually they didnt helped me at all they hurt me more than help.
I have it all except dissociation and self injury. I'm still on the neurosis side of the border... And my ex, who is also diagnosed with this, was raging , violent, broke his head with a glass once. So I think that male borderlins are much more easy to determine.
Hi Katarina, it's on such a spectrum with most people falling on it somewhere. It's so misdiagnosed and painted with a broad brush. Thank you for sharing and I wish you the best in your journey.
Hi I have a question- can borderlines have episodes of mania? I was concerned by his inability to rest and would have 10 projects going on Im talking starting two businesses and training himself to fix solar panels on the roof while holding down a regular job and on little sleep. Totally thought it was bipolar until I realized this person cannot see others and contain empathy. Like a literal walking trauma loop who will hurl abuse to loved ones and be enraged that you stand up to it. The dudes off the rails.
What about biting,?? My exwife she BPD everytime she used to get mad she will bite her ownhand not hard enough to draw blood but enough times to make the part of her hand like a different skin thiknes weir sht...
What should someone with bpd do? If being diagnosed with bpd immediately means your a crappy person then what should I do? off myself? if you don't have it, don't act like you understand it. Not all of us are awful but we are treated like we are psychopaths because of something we have no control over. these kinds of comment sections help make me braver to end it everyday cause they give me the impression that everyone wants people like me dead. idk if the people who write these comments know the damage they do with them but they probably don't care. Oh also not every story is in black and white. theres always more to a story. Keep that in mind when reading all these tragic storys about how people's lives were ruined by their "bpd partner". Not saying their all wrong but you are only hearing one part of the story not both. Maybe i should hate all men cause i was assaulted as a child but i dont. I have a lot of male friends that I love. Im not going to blame all men because 1 man hurt me severely.
Yes, its connected t the mother. The one I know says he hates his mother because she was never there and when he describes her behaviour she sounds lke a typical borderliner, overreacting to the smallest things. And yes, he's crossed over into a psychosis.
I have been diagnosed with Borderline. I don't do any of these things. Im tired of channels like this who do nothing but rip on that people that have serious mental issues that they have to live with. It's the hardest thing a person would ever go through and instead of trying to help these people it's how horrible they are.
It’s a spectrum disorder.. not every person with borderline has or displays the exact same types of behaviors. If you don’t like the content why are you watching the channel? watch something else maybe.
For everyone saying things like "the only solution is to cut them out and leave" I have just a few thoughts on that: -I have BPD (medically diagnosed 6 years ago) -Im married (been with my husband for almost 8 years) Things get difficult sometimes, but being happy and having a successful relationship is possible. BOTH party's need to work at it though. If the effort is one-sided, it obviously won't work, but that's a fact about "normal" relationships as well. No, you shouldn't ever have to tolerate abuse, but you can't expect the person to just "stop acting crazy" or "grow up" because, trust me, it's not our choice for things to effect us the way they do. There just seems to be a lot of ignorance revolving around BPD, just thought I might try to clear some of it up 🤙🤙
''..." the only solution is to cut them out and leave" ...'' You didn't know my clinically diagnosed mother, did you...??? Trust me, you would have cut my Borderline mother out of your life in two seconds flat ...I left home (More like I ran out the door) the day I turned 15 years old and I went a 100% non-negotiable '' NO CONTACT'' that was over 40 years ago... As far I am concerned there is no 'ignorance' in cutting a demented Borderline out of your life...I feel so sorry for your husband for his life will be a sheer living hell by been married to a Borderline.
It seems like you’re pretty ignorant to claim people should stick around abusive partners and expect people to “understand” borderlines when most relationship horror stories revolve around these type of people who can SERIOUSLY ruin lives based off of lies. We don’t do the same for people who murder... use their mental illness as an excuse rather than them. They murdered and that’s that. Mental illness or not the damage and crime is done. You say “things get difficult,” so that right there is already a red flag that you are most likely abusive to your husband. Of course, I shouldn’t assume, but after being with a borderline... the small things they say are clues to their true selves. Borderlines can have successful relationships through hard work and therapy, yes, but to claim people are ignorant because they don’t want the toxicity or stigma in their lives is asinine. People are free to cut whomever they want in their lives, mental illness or not. Of course, all sympathy and love should go to borderlines, because I imagine the way borderlines think must be absolute hell and it is a very depressing disorder that robs innocent people of their lives, but you can’t expect people to always be understanding when many borderlines are indeed toxic and gain more than they give when it comes to relationships...
@@johnthedespicabledutchman7406 just because people get diagnosed with the same disorder DOES NOT mean they are the same person. If you had to cut your mom out, then okay. Theres a spectrum and everyone falls on it differently. Also, your mother may have had other issues as well. There are shitty people with BPD, but there are also shitty people without it. I assume youre one of those people because of the way you just blindly assume how i treat my husband. You dont know me, you just base your opinion off of how you disagree with my comment, which really tells a lot about you. Try to be more open minded. If you cant, perhaps therapy would be a good option 👍
@@Radbiker33357 First off, thank you for proving my point about the ignorance pertaining to the subject of BPD. Just a few things: 1: I never condoned abuse in my comment. I said dont call the person crazy or tell them to grow up if theyre having a hard time with something. Dont let them attack you, though. 2: There is a BPD Spectrum. People that are diagnosed all fall on it differently. So just because you knew a borderline that may have had it pretty rough, you shouldnt put that opinion on everyone that has it. 3: murderers? Really? Read my comment again please, and take your time. I said that as long as BOTH parties put effort into the relationship, then it can work. It just depends on how hard theyre both willing to work and how much they want to put in. I never said anything about never owning up to your faults. (Thats just called being an adult.) You'll find shitty people that dont care about anyone else or changing theyre damaging behavior, but that doesnt mean we're all like that. And it doesnt mean that people with BPD are the only ones with toxic behaviors. Maybe check out Dr. Daniel Fox here on youtube, because, you know, hes an ACTUAL DOCTOR THAT SPECIALIZES IN BPD AND PERSONALITY DISORDERS. Maybe try to drop the bias and educate yourself 🤙
You give Borderlines such a bad rap dude. Aren't we supposed to stop the stigma of mental health, rather than making someone with a mental illness or personality disorder feel they're monsters. How about those without a personality disorder being abusive. What you're saying is everyone in an abusive relationship is a Borderline. I've been married 11 year's. I'm a borderline.
3 times was enough for me. "Fool Me Once, Shame On You; Fool Me Twice, Shame On Me" ..after twice, i toke the third hit just to make sure i wasn't tripping on the second one. While on third round, i focused on their actions and not on their words. Gave me some clarity ! 🫣
Three favorite verbs for many pwBPDs:
1- telling lies constantly
2- cheating (changing partner)
3- forgetting (nothing happened)
You nailed it. That’s what they are best at!
Defo compulsive lying. It's because their mind and reality changes by the hour. They are talking to you, tell you Tom was awful and a shit person, walk out the door see Tom and remember all the good bits, then Tom is amazing again and your a piece of shit. See you again and your the person whose treated them best in the world and Tom is a total bastard. They are nuts !
And cheating can be emotional cheating too. Or they withhold intimacy and emotional support and basic validation. And begin to ideolise others while devaluing you. Triangulation is another one
My God, i endured 7 years of non stop lying and cheating.
The amount of damage i have sustained in unreal.
Hey, I find BPD & Vulnerable NPD very similar. The big difference seems to be self -harming for BPD. My advice for anyone dealing with someone who may have one or both of these disorders is to simply exit stage right ASAP! I’m just now starting to recover from the trauma bond that develops in these relationships. It’s just terrible and spirit crushing. Thanks for all you do.
Agreed
One day he talks about kids and marriage, joining bank accounts, phone accounts, putting me on his car insurance, to saying he wants to break up. He always says hes fat and ugly, then the next says hes the best looking guy and doesnt care what people think. Says I dont like or love him, then says he knows I love him. He gets mad at people and literally says he wants to fight them or kill them and has no remorse for how he acted. Switches between saying he wants to be with me then we shouldn’t. He plays sick mind games with me to have power and control. He always tells me stories of all his exes to guilt trip me into acting how he wants me to. He says hes suicidal and he got on antidepressants, his mood started to get better so I was excited for him. He kept saying he feels a dark energy and wants to hurt someone so bad. He wants to go to a bar to start a fight. He tells me stories multiple times, but leaves out huge details. I will bring it up to him that he left something out. An example: he told me he blocked his ex (his ex kept calling him when we first met, she showed up at his door. He said he doesnt want her calling him and he doesnt know why she wont leave him alone. He broke up with her and continued to have sex and love bomb her. He met me and discarded her) anyways he said he blocked her. After corona, he said that she is gettinng paid more bc she is a travel nurse. I didnt say anything at the time, but i brought it up to him that why he said she said that if she was blocked? He said im crazy and he never said that. There were so many stories like this.. he said i mentally abusive him because i bring up his lies and he said he cant tell me anything anymore because i always twist what he says. When we first met he told me he was sexually abused by his brother and spoke about his exes for hours. He love bombed me and told me he finally found the one and started speaking of babies and marriage, moving in. He told me in the beginning he never had sex without a condom and that im special because we did that. A few weeks before we broke up. He told me stories about his exes and that he didn’t use condoms and they were on birth control. Thats the type of stuff i would confront him on. Him lying to me like why? He said by me confronting him is mental abuse! Am I crazy or what?! He try to turn me against my family. Like this is crazy and my therapist said he is abusing me and has the power in the relationship
Drop that disgusting guy... borderlines can be extremely toxic and like everything you mentioned, and why there are so many relationship horror stories with these types of people. The red flags are there and you’re just locking yourself in a life time of pain while not getting much back.
@@Radbiker33357 we have been broken up for 3 months. He moved to another state after declaring his love for me and guilt tripping me for $1000 😂 i can’t believe i feel for it.. then he just moves and ghosts me. Im glad i’m not under his spell or control anymore
@@lovingme6896 yup, I completely understand where you’re coming. Mine swooned me when we were falling apart towards the end to pay $300 to fix her car, and then she uses said car to go mess with my “friend/acquaintance!” They got married within 2-3 weeks after that and now they live together. He’s got some money but mainly from his dad since he owns a smoke shop, but it seems like he’s already pouring tons of money into her already and it’s going to come back to haunt him. Her true side will show and it will be a true financial and emotional burden for him, so screw that guy lol.
If anything I’m not sure if I should feel pity or hate for her. Her mom and grandma are pretty abusive and her dad is a serial cheater who drinks and doesn’t go anywhere in life. I can’t help but feel it was a sad and awful upbringing that caused it, but for her to do that crap to me makes me feel resentful, especially with how much I was there to support her.
These people are pretty evil and she almost ruined my life. I got extremely lucky and so did you. So I’m glad you got out of it while you could! Cuz it’s a MILLION times better without the abuse.
When the BPD in your life has you second guessing their disorder, but then you come here and they have all the diagnostic check marks.
Lots of doubt in relationships with borderlines.
As a BPD male, he doesn’t sugar coat a lot of behaviour like many others do and it’s refreshing. We aren’t always bad people but have the capability of spitting into a horrible person at any moment. I argue that we aren’t too far off Narcissists when wounded(real or imagined). I had one relationship with a narcissistic woman and they win at first until we turn into the ruthless psycho. Woe unto a narcissist or anyone for that matter if you think you can be as manipulative and emotionally cruel as a wounded Borderline. I don’t recommended you get involved with one that hasn’t done serious therapy. Protect yourselves from our issues.
If a borderline person feel abandoned, for any reason in their minds, they will act like a psychopath, that is my experience. Because of a borderline woman, i dont wanna any relationship anymore. I learned love being alone.
''... i don't wanna any relationship anymore. I learned love being alone.''...You might be very surprised by how many people think like you do, for I am one of them.
I only met one borderline, when I think honestly about it all women I ever met had some of those traits to some extent, and that made me rethink my opinions on normal women, and no, this is not a matter of me attracting this type of women because when I talk to married and committed men, they typically have the same problems.
bc of a borderline man I never want a relationship again either. I love being a single chiildless woman
God! I cannot believe that you are the only person in the whole world who opened my eyes to the truth about what BPD personality Defacto is. It is clear to me now that I should trash all psychiatric material about borderline that I saved in my Drafts: "You must understand how terribly unhappy BPD-s are; you must help them; you must show them your love, and if you think they may become physically abusive sometimes, leave, go to a hotel or a friend..." So, they are dangerous for you only when they may become physically abusive. REALLY?! Ladies and gentlemen psycho-chiatrists, why don't you listen to a real expert in BPD for a change?! THANK YOU, David! I'm so sorry for all the horror in your life which you skillfully turned into your aftermath life vocation. I bow to you.
This is a great explanation and description of the traits. I learned so much about BPD after I split from my wife. She was diagnosed near the end of our relationship, for I thought everything was my fault and I (and we) started therapy. Once I realized all the anger, gaslighting, devaluation, belittling, sarcasm, criticism and rages she threw at me wasn't my fault. I felt a sense of relief knowing that I really wasn't crazy (I sure felt like it during the relationship), that it wasn't my fault and I'm not alone. Connecting with others that have experienced a relationship with a person with BPD has helped me heal tremendously. It was a traumatic experience and I'm still in therapy recovering (9 months removed). But I can see 7 of these traits in my ex. I certainly relate to all things listed on page 10 of 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'.
I’m a few years behind you… where are you today in regards to recovery?
I can't believe there's not more views and subscribers to your channel..I have watched alot of TH-cam'rs talk about narcissism and Borderline personality disorder, and you would have to be one who I've heard explain it so well and so clear for the viewers to understand, these videos you are making are so informative and are helping people giving them validation and information,you won't hear this accurate information from any mental health care. Thankyou for your wisdom
Thank you so much for all your help!
I am going through a divorce right now with a wife that was told she was consistent with BPD by our marriage counselor. I feel like I am crazy at times...your videos are a breath of fresh air for sure.
-Mike from Granbury, TX
Hi Mike, thank you for telling me and I'm glad this offers some kind of validation for you. No body can be around toxic people, nobody.
Hello Mike, how are you now?
it weird because my ex actually taught me about all of this.. but she was using it to gaslight me into staying with her.. she gone. sad girl.. this showed me so much though. thank u
Thank you and I'm sorry for your pain.
It’s sad because even with the flaws . You love that person so much. But it’s something you can’t handle.
I wanted to stay… but I just couldn’t.
5 year relationship with bpd/npd
Yep, thats the stinger ! Lived together 5 years, then break up, apart 5 years, then back again 1.5 years. Learned about these subjectsduring the away part...got my answer after the last round, i was focusing on her actions more vs the words. Sad. Live and learn !
I looked up in the dsm5 about bpd an they had my exes picture as a reference!!
🤣🤣🤣
Then you and I have dated the same person!
@@daviddemars That's why your an expert on bpd.I can hear it in your voice when your talking about it.Thanks David.KB from CT.Next time im in Vegas I'll buy you a drink on top of the world at the strat...
I needed a laugh today. Thank you!! 😂
@@bennysmom6544 Anytime!!
Thanks for explaining it with examples. And I agree it's contagious - the frustration of dealing with this made me crazy in the end with anxiety and confusion.
Nobody can be exposed to it. Thank you.
"Nothing can be loved or hated unless it is first understood". ... Leonardo da Vinci
This is so helpful. It helps me sort my mind out. Anymore you can't leave your house without encountering people with serious problems. Trying to navigate this landscape can leave me wanting to isolate. I hope you guys are paying close attention because this is the only real help available when you're dealing with people like this. The majority of so called mental health professionals are in complete denial that this is so prevalent in society.
Thank you very much!
My mom abused me growing up and i left home 11 years ago.i sent her a letter to heal myself telling her how she made me feel. She refused to show my brother the letter as she would reveal her true colours to him..but he sided with her anyway and didnt care about my mental health enough to understand. I thought we were close. But i feel no regrets sending the letter. Ive lost my relationship with my brother because of it but healing comes with sacrifices i guess.thank you for all the courage your videos have given me to do this. It means alot xxx
Hi Dann, you've been on a tough journey that I hope is paying off. Thank you for sharing and maybe your Brother will come around someday.
@@daviddemars I hope so but what we had is now gone. thank you so much
David during the lockdown ive really took the time to work on myself and for the first time ever I began to love myself and embrace being single . The last few weeks people who I haven't seen in years began reaching out . I have wedding invitations party invites , people dropping round to see me and people wanting to spend time with me and a couple of women wanting a date . But you know what ..... I've realised I dont need these people to be happy , im happy anyway but it's nice to be in demand lol .people can sense the change in me So thankyou David due to you and people like you i feel im at a place in life i never thought id be , my life is so different now . You work hard to help us so here's one success story for you . Thanks again you really are helping people 👍
Hey Mike, your channel is great, no B/S, sugar coating, you have a gift for explaining in a very realistic way. Best of luck with the channel..Cheers
Just got out of a year relationship with a BPD. You're video's have really helped me re-find myself and navigate No Contact. Thanks!
Oh good, thank you William, enjoy your life now!
How you feeling a year later?
@@Joshdifferent still wounded, but healing well. Did the obligatory hoover which went as expected. Glad that happened as I really got to see her eyes wide open. No contact and time. But no contact is essential. They are broken people and will bring only chaos.
Did you notice signs early on? I’m convinced my fiancé has it but the splitting and devaluation didn’t start until 8 months in. There was no love bombing or obvious idealization so I missed it. Early on, we’d have occasional miscommunications but handled everything in a healthy way so the splitting hit me like a bus.
I did notice pretty early on. Within the first month. Super clingy, idealisation, black and white thinking. To her credit she told me she had been diagnosed but I was uneducated in the subject area and assumed the pills she was taking were most sufficient. The ups with a diagnosed borderline are the greatest high out there. The devaluation always comes though and it sucks like you can’t imagine. They’re in love with a snapshot internalised image of you that only exists in their head. Compared to that you’ll always fall short. What comes next… well that’s what these videos are for. They’ll help when the time comes. And it will come. Best of luck
Jim from Ohio, wow so true about this being contagious. I'm working very hard on a daily basis to change the bad habits acquired by being with my ex for 6 years.
I Hate You, Don't Leave Me is the perfect book that describes bpd. I have bpd and have dated narc/sociopathic men. The cycle continues until you introspect and stop it
How did the npd and sociopath men get along with you?
Yes this helped tremendously:and taking a deep breath to know going NC has been the correct decision. Thank you.
Good Pamela, keep making good choices because you are worth it.
@@daviddemars Good choices are decided and made one day away a time.
I'm not a kid. I'm 63. Some might say , "just get over it" and I reply "instead I'll live the rest of my life free. Freedom. Scary, challenging, amazing freedom. "
So thank you. Nothing personal but i hope our days together will be limited and I'll fly away free.... and i know if i need to return for a tune-up it's ok. "
Hi David. Jeannie from New England... I believe that my daughter (22) has undiagnosed BPD. I would say I noticed risky behaviors early on with shoplifting even when I was buying her some items specifically. She had lots of inappropriate angry explosions and frequently said she wished she was dead. Especially since she was 15 myself especially and the rest of the family always felt we were walking on egg shells because such little things or simple gestures such as a greeting would elicit such angry responses. I did not know how to deal with her. Eventually I convinced her to seek help and they wanted her sectioned for evaluation. She begged me to get her out. Sadly I did because I think I wanted her to love me for assisting her. Sounds sick I know but as a mom I felt constantly rejected by her. Years later she still is unstable and physically assaulted her BF multiple times but he kept taking her back. In February she assaulted me for telling her not to park on the lawn. So many other negative things including blaming us for not paying for everything in her life like car, phone etc., drinking to excess and pot...stealing again as well. She left the house when we said no more BF sleeping over. She says she hates me. That I am to blame for all that is wrong in her life. There has been no contact for 4 months now. I told her that I think she has BPD and there is help. She disagrees and won’t seek help. Since she is 22, do you think this may turn around? Currently she is living with the BF’s family in which I believe his mom has a mood disorder herself. Is there hope? Or is it likely that my relationship is severed indefinitely? Thank you so much for your help. I appreciate your videos and clear dialogue ❤️
She definitely sounds like a Cluster B disordered person.
You can't blame yourself for how a person is when they're grown, sometimes you can do everything "right", but they'll still fall off the track. You sound like a good mom to me, but I think its important to stand up for yourself. Don't let her take advantage, or assualt you ever again. Having a BPD child is one of the biggest struggles, give yourself some good credit. I hope you can find some answers.
Hello Jeanie, thank you very much and I am so sorry for your pain and suffering. There is always hope for everyone to be a better person but it's all up to her. Try to forgive yourself and protect yourself now.
This is now all about either she gets the help she needs and cna show you how she will never abuse you again or she is not in your life because if she is then you are only enabling her.
When people are in an untreated and abusive Borderlines life, they are only enabling them to not be responsible.
Good luck and love yourself Mom!
DeMars Coaching thank you very much for your response ❤️ Yes, I can see how I was enabling all this chaos. It’s very heartbreaking because I cannot help just like you pointed out. I can only hope she wants a better existence for herself. Only then can she have any meaningful relationships. For now I try to focus on the positive people in my life. There are many. Again thank you for taking time to answer my question.
After living loving someone near and I thought dear to me..I am not able to help anyone heal but myself....you can't change what you won't acknowledge. .
That's exactly right, I cant remember how the saying goes, gotta name it to change it?
I believe firmly that BPD runs in family. My ex husband, his mom and his sister all have BPD. His dad is s vegetable. He’s being punched by his wife for a few decades and now suffers from traumatic brain injuries.
There are familial links but not the primary reason. Other links with BPD are schizophrenia and schizotypal personality disorder.
Your videos deserve more views. Your videos are so very educational and very insightful.
Thank you for this new BPD video! Yay! Great information.
Thank you!
Great content David 👍🏻 BPD Individuals so hard to deal with, but they are the only ones who have hope for partial recovery among cluster B types.
I don't think that's healthy to push about other Cluster Bs. If we create these labels then tell people if they fall into one that they have no hope of changing, they will give up.
As always .. so right on !! Thank you
Thank you always!
I am so grateful for the idea that going through a bad break up can make me seem borderline. I am doing so well now. I have turned the corner finally. Thank you for all you do. F. L. Y.
I understand so much better now! Its hard to accept that someone who you thought loved you just used you and abuse you! Its being painful but your vídeos really help me! I think my ex maybe more a bordeline than a narcissist, even though a psicologist diagnosed him as a narcissist. I believe more in coaches like you than therapists, since they dont know much about these disorders. Unless they themselves have being victims of these personalities too! Thank you so much David!
Thanks for your videos David they have significantly helped me come to terms with what happened to me, why I allowed it to happen, and how I can prevent it from happening again.
Appreciate you.
Great to hear this and thank you for telling me!
Thank you for this, David. Very helpful.
Thank you Melissa
I left her first for about a week. I got what I feel is the only genuine appology I ever got from her to come back. In the rest of the time we were together, she left 5 to 7 times. This last time she left, I decided I wasn't going after her to come back.
I thought my ex was a narc, but hes gotta be a borderline. They do the most damage and have zero remorse.
Well I wouldn't know which one is worst..
If he has 0 remorse over his actions, it's probavly not borderline. Borderline usually feel sorry for their actions after and punish themselves for it exactly how they punish the others around
I love you your the love of my life. 12 hours later I don't love you anymore never contact me ever again. 11 month relationship
The same, but 10 years relationship
David I could listen to you all the time your perception of bpd is so true ,I attract them like flys around shit
Same me.. either narcissists or borderlines.. it's emotionally exausting.. draining. I feel emotionally empty right now..
@@angelapellino617 go no contact your feel better in know time
@@markmaloney33 thanks for your support, wherever you are..may life give you the love you deserve
My mother in law frequently punches her husband in front of her grandkids for no apparent reasons , scolds her adult daughters in public, and calls everyone fat. She was laughing one minute and then yelling the next, and then followed by crying. She is afraid that her adult children will abandon her. She is obese and always binges on food. She argues with anyone and everyone she comes across with. She has verbal diarrhea and won’t shut up after talking for two hours straight. She wont hear or listen to people when they talk. Does she have borderline personality disorder? Her two adults children are both narcissistic. And her husband is a codependent who lost his voice years ago. What do you think?
Good night David, seems my notifications took a shot of redbull or something. Lol.... I love listening to you. Where have you been all my life?
Thank you Jimellia!
Question does BPD tend to get worse with every failed relationship. Or as time passes ?
It's a spectrum where some are not so neurotic and may stabilize in maturity where as others can be more psychotic.
@@daviddemars Thanks my ex bpd girlfriends ability to treat people like shit . Yet not see she had done any wrong is what I found most fascinating.
Heya, I just want to say thank you so much. I've literally just found your channel this afternoon and, honestly, thank God I did. I was discarded horribly by my partner last week after 3.5 yrs of an on and of relationship. The first year and a half was full on abuse, with the incredibly stressful love bombing/devalue/love bombing cycle. I'd always thought she was potentially narcissistic, but I wasn't convinced. I was completely ruined after this year and a half and became someone I hated. I lost myself. She started going to therapy and i truly believed shed changed. But there were signs.. she even made a comment that she'd turned her anger inward. Anyway i thought she loved me. Then amonth ago she ended it. She tried to come back, but I found out a couple of weeks ago that she'd been seeing a younger girl. And details kept changing. She just can't tell the truth. The coldest thing is that i blamed myself for her cheating and so did she. I wanted to fix it. But i was upset about the cheating and she said she couldn't handle me being upset with her and we just aren't good for each other. All because she refused to unfriend this girl on instagram because it goes against her values. I feel embarrassed even typing that. So now it's done and I'm left feeling almost violated and so heartbroken. The sudden switch was like her earlier behavior but I couldn't imagine her doing it now. She hasn't been diagnosed but everything you've talked about...its like youve mapped out her behaviors right there for me. I feel completely changed by all of this and have so much work to do to heal. This video in particular will help me in those moments where all i want to do is run to her. There is nothing to run to.
Wow. This is the best and most amazing analysis and description of borderline personality disorder that I have found and I have done a LOT of research. I am finally extricated from a relationship with someone who has eight and possibly nine of these hallmarks. I love this straight talk, I love this emphatic talk, and I love the clear descriptions that are much clearer than other sites. Thank you.
Thank you David.
Thank you Pablos!
I just discovered your channel it has been like a lightbulb in the dark for me. What me and my children are going through is horrific with my ex. Nine years in Family Court. Constant false accusations in fact now I’m dealing with the fourth false accusation of sexual abuse and haven’t seen my children for two weeks as investigation is ongoing. In the past I have also been accused of having plans to murder my children everything has been unsubstantiated. My ex attempted for restraining orders none granted. She has done police removals of our children only to have her evidence to prove my case in District Court. This has gone on for nine years.Please can you do a piece on the borderline abuser Who is also a parent. My children are being abused and the court seems to favor abusers over loving parents all evidence ignored and massive perjury stripped me of legal and physical custody‘s. This has been a nightmare. I am now dealing with a court order that forces me into a codependent dysfunctional dynamic of abuse with a control freak/borderline Who craves and needs control to exist.
I can remember all of the outbursts of rage from my ex GF. She has 7-8 of these traits.
If they leave you before you leave them, what do they usually say? How do they dump you?
I genuinely feel like I’m borderline, so many of those things are affecting me right now
There are loads of videos on TH-cam about dbt or cbt or anger management.
Thank you this is very informative and interesting 👍
Thank you Patricia
Very helpful david thankyou
Thank you Mark!
🤣🤣🤣You are cracking me up!!!
Hi From California. I started a friendship recently. I thought it was going well. Then one day, I was told they doubted my behavior. When I asked what behavior I had to make them feel that way, they said I didn't call when I said I did on three separate occasions. This was the first time they had brought it to my attention. I was flabbergasted. I apologized, but I was given three strikes - I am out. I am confused. I thought people are complex and we make mistakes? I didn't think their reaction was proportionate to my "misdeed". Was this a "healthy" discard? Is their doubt a bpd trait or was i truly in the wrong? Thank you. I would like to not repeat this pattern if it is something I could fix.
Great explanation
Thanks David. Someone I know has 7 traits...
Be emotionally careful, thank you!
Been in a relationship off and on with 1 for 8 years. Her 8 year old was 3 months old when we met and he called me dad for quite awhile. Until he met his "real" dad. We've lived together basically right away. Difficult is an understatement. I love her so damn much, and i cant/dont force myself to stay away. This time ive been moved out since july. Longest we've been separated.
Thank you! This video is very helpful to better understand these complex disorders and it’s helpful to know this stuff. This info would have been SO helpful before choosing a partner. Lol
Great video!
17:34 I could not find much of the stress induced psychosis of BPD. Can you explain that further? Maybe give a some examples?
I have a question, and it may just be that this is not really doable. I find myself floating back into wondering whether my wife has NPD or BPD. She is covert but ticks all 9 NPD traits and most for BPD, with some of these particularly strong. Is it possible to do a video going through BPD traits from the perspective of someone with NPD and vice versa? Then perhaps explaining why the differences in behavior might be. For example, my wife constantly attacks my family and interests I hold dear, and rather than hold back when I was going through a difficult family time, she pushed harder. There's an obvious need there to be centre of my universe and my purpose in life is to satisfy her everlasting list of desires. I could argue this is manipulative or lacking empathy, but could also be paranoia or a fear of being abandoned.
Do you think this could be doable, or a non-starter? Either way, thank you for the videos. They are very informative.
Hi Alex, Doctors typically go with the most traits. Try looking in to antisocial personality disorder, as well.
This is a common concern and just know most Doctors dont want to diagnose with comorbid personality disorders. Sometimes one Doctor will give a diagnosis while the next Doctor gives a different one. It's not so black and white, anyone who has one personality disorder will be higher on the spectrum of all disorders than healthy people.
Hi Dr DeMars, thanks very much for responding. I've looked at antisocial personality disorder as well, but I don't think it matches up nearly as strongly as NPD or BPD. We have 2 young children, so I am not letting her hit rock bottom. The reason for stating this is perhaps there's a further negative side I have not yet seen. I'm far less convinced by this though. I have to agree with the grey area. Seems very difficult to differentiate with some behavioural traits.
In some cases these disorders overlap. One person can have multiple disorders.
Why do I see certain therapists and even psychologists, encouraging people to remain in these relationships? That they'll be okay, that there is hope for their intimate relationship. They present on TH-cam and other places, secretly hiding their diagnosis Why? No judgement, I'm looking for an answer as it seems hopeless to have a serious, committed relationship with someone who has BPD. If they can't see themselves, they can't see the other person.
Hi just wondering if you could Please comment on Markle interview Nataly from Boston Luv you by the way!!!
I can see that Ptsd complex and borderline sounds almost the same!😲😰😰😰😰😰
Hi,David .Marii from Amsterdam, my escape from a frienship hurts but had 2 reasons to get help.1 her red flasgs gave me unease. 2 her tears like eyes told storys esp the one about a discotheek in london where she and 2 boys .... the pure and intell girl mixed with This in my mind messed my love level up . She said she made a controlled week in her agenda bit afraid once will loose control again . I spoke many and gave my key but she gave it back later after the advise i have given and told her about my talk to her student c . After 2 weeks and 1 once day it is her doing no contact . You help me a lot to let her go . LIKE the man in the dessert on fire it feels .she lives 1 hour a and the not to seek her .her persona is so diff.scary .
Hi Mari, I'm sorry for the loss of your friendship and congratulations on your future, thank you!
Let"s say you're in love with a borderliner, I had a previous relation ship with a border liner that lasted 28 years, the mother of my children. The woman I see now has also at least 5 elements of borderline. Let's presume I do want to keep the relationship going, I'm a emotional very strong person ( with expirience in borderliners ) . Can I use the fear of abandonnement and need of attention in my advance to keep her in line, last week I told her if she didn't love me than it was over, I only see her in the weekend, when I came there she told me that she was afraid that I would leave her because the last few month sex wasn't great ( which is my fault due to stress and anxiety, not hers ) So it looks that leaving her can keep her in line if she fears to be left. Am I correct or is it a faulty way of thinking ?
2:52 estrangement from mother- help me out here. I’m the mom, my adult child has BPD. I’ve been accused of horrible, either untrue or grossly exaggerated things and now being blocked from her life. What is the connection? Please help me understand.
I have it and been abused by narcissists most of my life.
I’m in DBT and trying to get better but in some ways I feel like I’m going backwards.. I just don’t really know who I am.. I’m just here and don’t know why.
5 Stars!
Thank you... She had all nine
Great!!great!great!!
Does BPD diminish with age say around 70 years old?
Bipolar gets confused borderline all the time
Can you be a narcissist after being abused of so many narcissists?
from my personal experience... I picked up some of her traits.. and questioned if i was.. but i think it's just traits.. i dont think you're a narcissist.. if you're asking if you're a narcassist you're probably not.
Mara Althea
it's infectious, yeah.
If you were a child, likely you will have their own poor self esteem..if your developed, unlikely..
A tactic of a narcissist is to make you feel like a narcissist just for trying to care about yourself. Something to keep in mind.
Yes but the abuse is by parents in childhood. People dont get the disorder in adulthood unless a brain injury.
Can it be more or less.. not if you have or not?? Ive been wondering for soo long if i have borderline.. i think i actually i do, but i try to manage so i dont end up in situations which are bad for me or others.. do you also know why borderline exists?? You talk about hormones which are one of the reasons possibly that i have chronic fatigue.. im also on to bineural fatigue is a cause for many "mental illnesses" or psyical illnesse ( i think they arent seperate). I also think the detox is a problem so its usually toxicity that is the actual cause.. what do you think? Thanks for your videos :)
I also have trauma from this situation.. actually not the illness itself which was very very hard but more of how ive been treated by society and healthcare system and also insurance ... it has cause me trauma beeing so poorly helped.. acyually they didnt helped me at all they hurt me more than help.
Are many tattoos a form of self cutting?
Yes
I have it all except dissociation and self injury. I'm still on the neurosis side of the border... And my ex, who is also diagnosed with this, was raging , violent, broke his head with a glass once. So I think that male borderlins are much more easy to determine.
Hi Katarina, it's on such a spectrum with most people falling on it somewhere. It's so misdiagnosed and painted with a broad brush. Thank you for sharing and I wish you the best in your journey.
@@daviddemars thanks; your videos help me a lot! 🙂 🌠 💚
Hello not sure if I heard you right - but What is cpst?
your good et right what you saying
Hi I have a question- can borderlines have episodes of mania? I was concerned by his inability to rest and would have 10 projects going on Im talking starting two businesses and training himself to fix solar panels on the roof while holding down a regular job and on little sleep. Totally thought it was bipolar until I realized this person cannot see others and contain empathy. Like a literal walking trauma loop who will hurl abuse to loved ones and be enraged that you stand up to it. The dudes off the rails.
What about biting,?? My exwife she BPD everytime she used to get mad she will bite her ownhand not hard enough to draw blood but enough times to make the part of her hand like a different skin thiknes weir sht...
I have 3 borderline 4 no pun intended
👍👍
Oh my you very good very
Neurosis and psychosis are actually two separate constructs that aren’t on a continuum with one another
They don't all do that. Just 99.9999999999999% of them.
Everyones overusing the word Narc
What should someone with bpd do? If being diagnosed with bpd immediately means your a crappy person then what should I do? off myself? if you don't have it, don't act like you understand it. Not all of us are awful but we are treated like we are psychopaths because of something we have no control over. these kinds of comment sections help make me braver to end it everyday cause they give me the impression that everyone wants people like me dead. idk if the people who write these comments know the damage they do with them but they probably don't care.
Oh also not every story is in black and white. theres always more to a story. Keep that in mind when reading all these tragic storys about how people's lives were ruined by their "bpd partner". Not saying their all wrong but you are only hearing one part of the story not both. Maybe i should hate all men cause i was assaulted as a child but i dont. I have a lot of male friends that I love. Im not going to blame all men because 1 man hurt me severely.
Yes, its connected t the mother. The one I know says he hates his mother because she was never there and when he describes her behaviour she sounds lke a typical borderliner, overreacting to the smallest things. And yes, he's crossed over into a psychosis.
David, you have to take care of your health.
I have been diagnosed with Borderline. I don't do any of these things. Im tired of channels like this who do nothing but rip on that people that have serious mental issues that they have to live with. It's the hardest thing a person would ever go through and instead of trying to help these people it's how horrible they are.
It’s a spectrum disorder.. not every person with borderline has or displays the exact same types of behaviors. If you don’t like the content why are you watching the channel? watch something else maybe.
He’s not ripping on you or saying you’re horrible.. it’s how you happen to perceive the information.. hence your disorder.
Are borderlines curable?
Yes there is a therapy called dbt that's helps with people bpd
@@mariewilliams194 but it does not cure. It helps them manage but the bpd has to be extremely self aware and want the help
For everyone saying things like "the only solution is to cut them out and leave" I have just a few thoughts on that:
-I have BPD (medically diagnosed 6 years ago)
-Im married (been with my husband for almost 8 years)
Things get difficult sometimes, but being happy and having a successful relationship is possible. BOTH party's need to work at it though. If the effort is one-sided, it obviously won't work, but that's a fact about "normal" relationships as well. No, you shouldn't ever have to tolerate abuse, but you can't expect the person to just "stop acting crazy" or "grow up" because, trust me, it's not our choice for things to effect us the way they do.
There just seems to be a lot of ignorance revolving around BPD, just thought I might try to clear some of it up 🤙🤙
''..." the only solution is to cut them out and leave" ...'' You didn't know my clinically diagnosed mother, did you...??? Trust me, you would have cut my Borderline mother out of your life in two seconds flat ...I left home (More like I ran out the door) the day I turned 15 years old and I went a 100% non-negotiable '' NO CONTACT'' that was over 40 years ago...
As far I am concerned there is no 'ignorance' in cutting a demented Borderline out of your life...I feel so sorry for your husband for his life will be a sheer living hell by been married to a Borderline.
It seems like you’re pretty ignorant to claim people should stick around abusive partners and expect people to “understand” borderlines when most relationship horror stories revolve around these type of people who can SERIOUSLY ruin lives based off of lies.
We don’t do the same for people who murder... use their mental illness as an excuse rather than them. They murdered and that’s that. Mental illness or not the damage and crime is done.
You say “things get difficult,” so that right there is already a red flag that you are most likely abusive to your husband. Of course, I shouldn’t assume, but after being with a borderline... the small things they say are clues to their true selves.
Borderlines can have successful relationships through hard work and therapy, yes, but to claim people are ignorant because they don’t want the toxicity or stigma in their lives is asinine. People are free to cut whomever they want in their lives, mental illness or not. Of course, all sympathy and love should go to borderlines, because I imagine the way borderlines think must be absolute hell and it is a very depressing disorder that robs innocent people of their lives, but you can’t expect people to always be understanding when many borderlines are indeed toxic and gain more than they give when it comes to relationships...
@@Radbiker33357 Boom...!! Nailed it 100% and well said Radbiker33357.
@@johnthedespicabledutchman7406 just because people get diagnosed with the same disorder DOES NOT mean they are the same person. If you had to cut your mom out, then okay. Theres a spectrum and everyone falls on it differently. Also, your mother may have had other issues as well. There are shitty people with BPD, but there are also shitty people without it. I assume youre one of those people because of the way you just blindly assume how i treat my husband. You dont know me, you just base your opinion off of how you disagree with my comment, which really tells a lot about you. Try to be more open minded. If you cant, perhaps therapy would be a good option 👍
@@Radbiker33357 First off, thank you for proving my point about the ignorance pertaining to the subject of BPD.
Just a few things:
1: I never condoned abuse in my comment. I said dont call the person crazy or tell them to grow up if theyre having a hard time with something. Dont let them attack you, though.
2: There is a BPD Spectrum. People that are diagnosed all fall on it differently. So just because you knew a borderline that may have had it pretty rough, you shouldnt put that opinion on everyone that has it.
3: murderers? Really? Read my comment again please, and take your time. I said that as long as BOTH parties put effort into the relationship, then it can work. It just depends on how hard theyre both willing to work and how much they want to put in. I never said anything about never owning up to your faults. (Thats just called being an adult.) You'll find shitty people that dont care about anyone else or changing theyre damaging behavior, but that doesnt mean we're all like that. And it doesnt mean that people with BPD are the only ones with toxic behaviors.
Maybe check out Dr. Daniel Fox here on youtube, because, you know, hes an ACTUAL DOCTOR THAT SPECIALIZES IN BPD AND PERSONALITY DISORDERS. Maybe try to drop the bias and educate yourself 🤙
Thanks for this. Now I know I don’t have it.
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Heard ur favorite color is pink 😊
I love it, thank you Anna!💗
@@daviddemars Its my favorite color too .
Lexapro help me sexual side effects though
7:40
Have you ever seen one of us transition arent you a little nervous
This is very stigmatising
You give Borderlines such a bad rap dude. Aren't we supposed to stop the stigma of mental health, rather than making someone with a mental illness or personality disorder feel they're monsters. How about those without a personality disorder being abusive. What you're saying is everyone in an abusive relationship is a Borderline. I've been married 11 year's. I'm a borderline.
You. Are. All. Abusive.
Be quiet
Thank You. 🤍
3 times was enough for me. "Fool Me Once, Shame On You; Fool Me Twice, Shame On Me" ..after twice, i toke the third hit just to make sure i wasn't tripping on the second one. While on third round, i focused on their actions and not on their words. Gave me some clarity ! 🫣