I find this accurate. Neurotypicals tend to experience limerence after a relationship. With us, I feel as though even before we pluck up the courage to ask them out, we created a reality show with 12 seasons, multiple breakups and a divorce in our head involving that limerent object already. Good news is, it usually means, we don't necessarily have to cut them off. Just get to know them better. No?
The fact I only stumble into this information too late makes me want to cry. I think I'm hurting myself and others without knowing whats wrong with me.
Great video; actually Reba McIntre’s song “she thinks his name was John” was about a woman dying from AIDS. This I knew the first time I ever heard this song as a child; it’s a very sad song but I don’t think she had Limerance for him haha.
I’m Autistic and I’ve been in limerence before. Last few months, I was in limerence with a server at a restaurant that I met 8-9 months ago. I used to be a regular. Started experience signs of infatuation of her around late March to early April by having romantic dreams. I tried making a move and to explain I had feelings but the timing was wrong because she was so busy with customers. Everyday, I would constantly think about this person and have this feeling that I can’t live without them. Started affecting my well being, work, and many other things. When I go to the restaurant and make contact with the LO (limerent object) I’d relapse, my life would be in the same place. As of now, my limerence is finally gone with intensive therapy. I’ve been into three limerent episodes with different individuals and it’s pretty crazy!
Ha, isn't it crazy how one can fall in "love"/limerence with someone who is basically a stranger? I recognize the pattern in movies as well, e.g. "Citizen Kane" or "Brief Encounter." Limerence is often celebrated in society, and people don't see it as the dangerous thing that it is. It's like a drug. I do miss being head-over-heels in "love" a bit.... but then I remember how life-wrecking it can be! So I'm glad it hasn't happened to me in many years.
I also only learned about it recently... and then it started popping up all over my feed. Hard to remember that it's spelled "limerence" not "limerance"
Very interesting topic. I think I am prone to this since I will often idealize a casual acquaintance and fantasize about how wonderful it would be to get closer to them, and I imagine that maybe they secretly feel the same way about me. Eventually they will say or do something that bursts the bubble, leaving me very disappointed and sad, and then I will repeat the cycle with another person. I doubt I will ever find true love, so it seems these imaginary romances are probably the best I can hope for.
I probably *only* had limerence well into my 30s. Eventually I grew out of it, partly due to finally finding someone I connected with on a deeper level... and being hurt by crushes that seemed so irrational in hindsight. Don't give up! (... says the woman who is now perma-single, lol)
Ghosting is still devastating, I strongly suspect, it is one of the main reasons, why there are several times more suicides among men, then among women. So, please, if your former partner is not a violent asshole, do TELL him DIRECTLY and CLEARLY that this is it! To this day (it was almost 25 years ago) I'm grateful to my first girlfriend, for opportunity to meet and to talk, I'd never would imagine, that hearing "I just don't love you" will be the best thing I will ever hear in my life, since before that I was blaming myself, I was horrified, that I might have hurt her feelings somehow. Of course I could not stay together with a person, who doesn't love me, could not force myself onto her, I wanted her to be happy, obviously, not with me, but someone else (and she did find the right person mere couple months later, while I was recovering for almost 3 years). It was still hard, I cried pretty much daily for a year or more, but at least it was bearable, so I recovered... for the most part, I was not the same after that. Now, decades later, it turns out I got ADHD and likely ASD too, so I take everything very literally. Yes there were clear hints, that she does not intend that relationship to last, as she was a very nice peoples person and meant no harm, but, of course, I missed them all and only realised, what she really meant only after we parted. And I guess, this is what makes me safe - I will not get angry and upset with you, when refused, I might get angry at myself for being a failure, maybe some slight self harm with no lasting consequences (like banging my head or fist against a wall a couple of times), but one of my absolute core beliefs is "you can not force one to love you", just being with a person is not what I crave for, I want her to want to be with me, I want to be accepted, to be admitted to be worthy of lifetime companionship, to be loved, not tolerated. Funny, but 20 years after that parting, had a little message exchange with her, and she literally wrote "you were in love with some imaginary, idealised image, not the real me, and that felt like a burden, I never felt comfortable" (pardon, English is only my 3rd language, thus phrasing might be a bit off). Well, no shit, the most normal person I've ever known felt weird next to neurodivergent me! 😆 Sure, I did not know it back then, as I got diagnosed only at age 46. I also met the right person for me, seems we both have neurodivergent ancestors at least two generations into past, maybe more; we've been together for over two decades so far.
P.S. A couple of times other ladies fell for me, while I did not mean that, I was just polite with them, damn it! It's quite typical problem with autistics, BTW - people mistaken our intentions for something else, good or bad. Yes, I'm of above average height, intelligence and looks, but I got my share of issues too, so I'm not a good party/match for most people. What did I feel for those ladies? Nothing! So potential limerence from the other side looks weird and unexpected. Well, it's not like I did not feel anything at all, I was panicking, since I'm not good with dealing with people. I should have been gentle and explained the situation, but I failed. 😕 On the other hand, in each such case those ladies quickly found someone, so I should have started a business - "try dating me, get refused and find the right person immediately!"
P.P.S. Contacted a specialist, filled whole bunch of tests and had an online video call since facial expressions and speech patterns can tell a lot too. Soooo.... Seems I don't have a depression (that score was very low). ASD seems highly likely and... I might have PTSD. O_o Well... I do have -Vietnam- flashbacks about my first girlfriend pretty often throughout day, it wasn't the case before 2021, but that's when I found out she has died of cancer in 2019, half of my world got shuttered at that moment.
Just wanted to let you know that I'm really enjoying the thought provoking topics you're presenting on your channel. This is the only video I've ever seen of someone addressing autism and limerance.It might be the only one? I found it fascinating all the way through,including hearing you speak so candidly of your own experience. Also,I thank you for being thoughtful and including how childhood trauma can lead to limerance in adulthood. Both of the clips you provided are the best; your discernment in what to include is excellent :) I'm a subscriber who really hopes to see your channel grow.You provide unique,useful,meaningful content! All my best wishes to you! Edited to add: I thank you also for being so frank about the realities and challenges of autistic family dynamics. My own situation is having realized recently that my mother was certainly an undiagnosed Aspie (an intellectually brilliant woman but not a nurturing mother) and that my father definitely had ADHD,possibly other comorbidities....these realizations have turned my understanding of my parents upside down and it has been very difficult for me to find real,honest information pretty much anywhere about what it is actually like to be "raised" by these types of parents.I am discovering much disheartening sugar coating and even outright censorship in my efforts to learn more as a child of this kind of family.Your candor is a total breath of fresh air in this regard.Thank you.
Sorry for my delay in responding, I only discovered now the "Held for review" tab! Not sure why some comments are held! But I love your feedback so much. I often ask myself if I'm sharing too much personal stuff, but then I figure that it's best to talk about these issues with examples from my personal life. It's great to get encouragement, obviously my channel is not growing much in spite of my efforts, and now I got a serious copyright strike by one of the channels I reacted to. 😞 "An intellectually brilliant woman but not a nurturing mother" describes my own mother so well. My parents supported all our kids' special interests, but there were no hugs, no "I love yous", and often quite hurtful criticism. But as I became a mother myself, I realized how hard it is to parent. Realizing now that most of my birth family is on the spectrum helped me understand why my parents were the way they were... and understanding is key to forgiveness.
Yeah, kinda like in Dostoyevsky's White nights where the young man, lonely, he has nobody, he startsnto prefer the Fantasy, its safer and easier. Kinda fets with the High rate of fetishization yhat goes in autism.
Also, there was an alternative photo nerd girl, I idolized in highschool from a distance and she became a focus of almost all fantasies. In retrospect problably lesbian, like most of my crushes. But during nightly crying meltdowns , laying in bed, I would these kind of emotional fantasies, with crying, it faded only in my 20s, thought it was quite Odd, of course, I was undiagnosed at the time, chalked it to depression, and Jung's idea of anima, Jungs ideas have influence on the young, now I Mostly dismiss them, lol.
Good point. It makes me think of the fact that a lot of top female livestreamers are VTubers (just showing avatars, not a real face). I guess it's easier to project your fantasies on a flawless anime character. So many young men (probably a lot of them autistic) worship these kind of cat-girls and "waifus." Maybe I should make a video about this subculture, haha
Maybe it's a stupid question, but could it be that extremely religious persons have a lifelong limerence with Jesus? The pedestal, the fantasies about the happy ever after, not being able to live without, not allowing to skip church for even once a year, etc. Or is it just me connecting these dots (???)
I find this accurate. Neurotypicals tend to experience limerence after a relationship. With us, I feel as though even before we pluck up the courage to ask them out, we created a reality show with 12 seasons, multiple breakups and a divorce in our head involving that limerent object already. Good news is, it usually means, we don't necessarily have to cut them off. Just get to know them better. No?
No,that's not satisfying.Limerence is better than dealing with extremely flawed Homan's.😢😢
This is sooooooo facts 💯
The fact I only stumble into this information too late makes me want to cry. I think I'm hurting myself and others without knowing whats wrong with me.
Great video; actually Reba McIntre’s song “she thinks his name was John” was about a woman dying from AIDS. This I knew the first time I ever heard this song as a child; it’s a very sad song but I don’t think she had Limerance for him haha.
I’m Autistic and I’ve been in limerence before. Last few months, I was in limerence with a server at a restaurant that I met 8-9 months ago. I used to be a regular.
Started experience signs of infatuation of her around late March to early April by having romantic dreams. I tried making a move and to explain I had feelings but the timing was wrong because she was so busy with customers.
Everyday, I would constantly think about this person and have this feeling that I can’t live without them. Started affecting my well being, work, and many other things. When I go to the restaurant and make contact with the LO (limerent object) I’d relapse, my life would be in the same place.
As of now, my limerence is finally gone with intensive therapy.
I’ve been into three limerent episodes with different individuals and it’s pretty crazy!
Ha, isn't it crazy how one can fall in "love"/limerence with someone who is basically a stranger? I recognize the pattern in movies as well, e.g. "Citizen Kane" or "Brief Encounter." Limerence is often celebrated in society, and people don't see it as the dangerous thing that it is.
It's like a drug. I do miss being head-over-heels in "love" a bit.... but then I remember how life-wrecking it can be! So I'm glad it hasn't happened to me in many years.
What helped you? I'm nearly 50 and I don't think I've ever had a relationship without limerence
Never heard the word before , learning
I also only learned about it recently... and then it started popping up all over my feed. Hard to remember that it's spelled "limerence" not "limerance"
Very interesting topic. I think I am prone to this since I will often idealize a casual acquaintance and fantasize about how wonderful it would be to get closer to them, and I imagine that maybe they secretly feel the same way about me. Eventually they will say or do something that bursts the bubble, leaving me very disappointed and sad, and then I will repeat the cycle with another person. I doubt I will ever find true love, so it seems these imaginary romances are probably the best I can hope for.
I probably *only* had limerence well into my 30s. Eventually I grew out of it, partly due to finally finding someone I connected with on a deeper level... and being hurt by crushes that seemed so irrational in hindsight. Don't give up! (... says the woman who is now perma-single, lol)
Ghosting is still devastating, I strongly suspect, it is one of the main reasons, why there are several times more suicides among men, then among women. So, please, if your former partner is not a violent asshole, do TELL him DIRECTLY and CLEARLY that this is it!
To this day (it was almost 25 years ago) I'm grateful to my first girlfriend, for opportunity to meet and to talk, I'd never would imagine, that hearing "I just don't love you" will be the best thing I will ever hear in my life, since before that I was blaming myself, I was horrified, that I might have hurt her feelings somehow. Of course I could not stay together with a person, who doesn't love me, could not force myself onto her, I wanted her to be happy, obviously, not with me, but someone else (and she did find the right person mere couple months later, while I was recovering for almost 3 years). It was still hard, I cried pretty much daily for a year or more, but at least it was bearable, so I recovered... for the most part, I was not the same after that.
Now, decades later, it turns out I got ADHD and likely ASD too, so I take everything very literally. Yes there were clear hints, that she does not intend that relationship to last, as she was a very nice peoples person and meant no harm, but, of course, I missed them all and only realised, what she really meant only after we parted. And I guess, this is what makes me safe - I will not get angry and upset with you, when refused, I might get angry at myself for being a failure, maybe some slight self harm with no lasting consequences (like banging my head or fist against a wall a couple of times), but one of my absolute core beliefs is "you can not force one to love you", just being with a person is not what I crave for, I want her to want to be with me, I want to be accepted, to be admitted to be worthy of lifetime companionship, to be loved, not tolerated.
Funny, but 20 years after that parting, had a little message exchange with her, and she literally wrote "you were in love with some imaginary, idealised image, not the real me, and that felt like a burden, I never felt comfortable" (pardon, English is only my 3rd language, thus phrasing might be a bit off). Well, no shit, the most normal person I've ever known felt weird next to neurodivergent me! 😆 Sure, I did not know it back then, as I got diagnosed only at age 46.
I also met the right person for me, seems we both have neurodivergent ancestors at least two generations into past, maybe more; we've been together for over two decades so far.
P.S. A couple of times other ladies fell for me, while I did not mean that, I was just polite with them, damn it! It's quite typical problem with autistics, BTW - people mistaken our intentions for something else, good or bad. Yes, I'm of above average height, intelligence and looks, but I got my share of issues too, so I'm not a good party/match for most people. What did I feel for those ladies? Nothing! So potential limerence from the other side looks weird and unexpected. Well, it's not like I did not feel anything at all, I was panicking, since I'm not good with dealing with people. I should have been gentle and explained the situation, but I failed. 😕 On the other hand, in each such case those ladies quickly found someone, so I should have started a business - "try dating me, get refused and find the right person immediately!"
P.P.S. Contacted a specialist, filled whole bunch of tests and had an online video call since facial expressions and speech patterns can tell a lot too.
Soooo.... Seems I don't have a depression (that score was very low). ASD seems highly likely and... I might have PTSD. O_o Well... I do have -Vietnam- flashbacks about my first girlfriend pretty often throughout day, it wasn't the case before 2021, but that's when I found out she has died of cancer in 2019, half of my world got shuttered at that moment.
Just wanted to let you know that I'm really enjoying the thought provoking topics you're presenting on your channel.
This is the only video I've ever seen of someone addressing autism and limerance.It might be the only one?
I found it fascinating all the way through,including hearing you speak so candidly of your own experience.
Also,I thank you for being thoughtful and including how childhood trauma can lead to limerance in adulthood.
Both of the clips you provided are the best; your discernment in what to include is excellent :)
I'm a subscriber who really hopes to see your channel grow.You provide unique,useful,meaningful content!
All my best wishes to you!
Edited to add:
I thank you also for being so frank about the realities and challenges of autistic family dynamics. My own situation is having realized recently that my mother was certainly an undiagnosed Aspie (an intellectually brilliant woman but not a nurturing mother) and that my father definitely had ADHD,possibly other comorbidities....these realizations have turned my understanding of my parents upside down and it has been very difficult for me to find real,honest information pretty much anywhere about what it is actually like to be "raised" by these types of parents.I am discovering much disheartening sugar coating and even outright censorship in my efforts to learn more as a child of this kind of family.Your candor is a total breath of fresh air in this regard.Thank you.
Sorry for my delay in responding, I only discovered now the "Held for review" tab! Not sure why some comments are held! But I love your feedback so much. I often ask myself if I'm sharing too much personal stuff, but then I figure that it's best to talk about these issues with examples from my personal life.
It's great to get encouragement, obviously my channel is not growing much in spite of my efforts, and now I got a serious copyright strike by one of the channels I reacted to. 😞
"An intellectually brilliant woman but not a nurturing mother" describes my own mother so well. My parents supported all our kids' special interests, but there were no hugs, no "I love yous", and often quite hurtful criticism. But as I became a mother myself, I realized how hard it is to parent. Realizing now that most of my birth family is on the spectrum helped me understand why my parents were the way they were... and understanding is key to forgiveness.
Very good and so real. Know this 'topic' rather than well. Yearning to belong.
Wow, this was eye opening
Isn't everyone like this? They just hide it better
Yeah, kinda like in Dostoyevsky's White nights where the young man, lonely, he has nobody, he startsnto prefer the Fantasy, its safer and easier. Kinda fets with the High rate of fetishization yhat goes in autism.
Also, there was an alternative photo nerd girl, I idolized in highschool from a distance and she became a focus of almost all fantasies. In retrospect problably lesbian, like most of my crushes. But during nightly crying meltdowns , laying in bed, I would these kind of emotional fantasies, with crying, it faded only in my 20s, thought it was quite Odd, of course, I was undiagnosed at the time, chalked it to depression, and Jung's idea of anima, Jungs ideas have influence on the young, now I Mostly dismiss them, lol.
Good point. It makes me think of the fact that a lot of top female livestreamers are VTubers (just showing avatars, not a real face). I guess it's easier to project your fantasies on a flawless anime character. So many young men (probably a lot of them autistic) worship these kind of cat-girls and "waifus." Maybe I should make a video about this subculture, haha
I would love to chat with this women. But hey I am a 71 year old Autistic. Oh well.
Maybe it's a stupid question, but could it be that extremely religious persons have a lifelong limerence with Jesus? The pedestal, the fantasies about the happy ever after, not being able to live without, not allowing to skip church for even once a year, etc. Or is it just me connecting these dots (???)
💯YES. I'm certain that my evangelical upbringing primed me for these types of experiences.
Yeah, that's very much a stupid question.
@@SilvioManfredDante85 you could at least try to consider different points of view, when you'te not stupid.
@@SilvioManfredDante85 Religious trauma is a common experience. This wasn't a stupid question.
@@nomadak723 Big disagree.
This is the funniest video I have ever seen