This resonated completely. I haven’t dated in close to five years simply because the beginning stage and constant “compromise” of not addressing issues in order to keep the peace… was just exhausting. Like I would love to have a partner, but I would love that partner to be able to communicate with me and understand my needs (and vice versa - I want to understand their needs, too). I want a reliable team mate first, romance second. lol
Screen potential partners for autism. Reject anyone not on the spectrum. Draw from a pool of sweetwater. Instead of swampwater. Easier said than done, I know ;-)
Genuinely think you shouldn’t compromise. What you said in your post isn’t anything toxic but actually something that could be so valuable given the right person. Unrelated but i have a friend who has a very specific needs and it is quite unconventional but bc generally it isn’t accepted by society (nothing too strange but it is quite unconventional), she just gave up dating for more than 16 yrs when she met her partner and she told her partner upfront that xyz could not happen. The partner was down with it and they have been together for more than 6 yrs. i just want to let you know that you don’t nd to contort yourself to fit my social standards if it doesn’t work for you neurodivergence
Yes! I loved this. Very relatable. Break ups were so hard for me. I literally felt like I was going insane. The anxiety was so intense I really couldnt stand it. And no matter what, it takes a long time for me to not feel the emotional pain anymore and I didn't even love the person. I guess I was mourning the routine, not the loss of the relationship.
omg mourning the routine!! i think that really accurately describes what i feel when i get heartbroken. i haven't been in a relationship in years but the last time i had a crush and thought it was going somewhere, i went off the rails when i found out his feelings were unrequited even though he was never mine. talking to him and flirting with him and believing i was going to be with him had *become* my routine.
I think I’m still mourning some routines/people. Recently I noticed much of my life has changed quite a lot in the last year or so. I don’t have the same people around me.
Dating is just so challenging it pulls you out of your comfort zone so much I think a lot of us just sink yourselves into our hobbies and friends and other interests rather than go through this . Even though we would love to have a special person in our lives but special people that we are comfortable with and that get us are very rare , at least in my experience. Best of luck to everyone .
Being autistic, I’ve always aspired to date other autistic people so we have more of a grounded understanding of each other. I would like to find spaces where I could meet autistic peers in person tho.
It didn’t occur to me that I might be autistic until I met my current autistic boyfriend, after many years of pain and confusion in relationships. Now I’m like duh….how did I not know this about myself???? Everything makes sense
If you randomly happen to live in LA, check out Kava Kulture in Atwater Village. If you live elsewhere, try any kava place close to you. Being new to them, I found that they tend to be a great combination of low-stimulation and potentially high-focus places to co-work or study. And of course, the kava itself has a lot of good benefits for you. ☮️
Thank you for this video, this is, as another autistic person, is very relatable! I can’t handle “playing games” so i’m very direct and straightforward in my communication and it seems like people think this is too much at the beginning? Like you should just “go with the flow” until its the right time to even voice your concerns or needs or whatever. Its just like you said; im not looking for confrontation or a disagreement, just open communication! And break ups are verrrry hard for me. I’m not really dating for these reasons at the moment, its too hard
Yes! I'm not autistic but have social anxiety issues and Adhd and for me the games of lying and manipulation are too much for me. I try really hard to explain to ppl I just want honesty and open communication, no BS. It's very hard to find ppl who will agree to it and follow through and not get offended or omit the truth from you.
I wish I had a beautiful relationship with a really awesome woman. I've been shooting my shot until I'm emotionally burnt out from rejections and ghosting
One of the BIGGEST things I hate about dating is how at the end of the first date, the woman will say "I had fun! Let's do this again!" I get excited about a woman potentially being interested in spending more time with me. Then, 9 times out of 10, she will either ghost me or bail on me last minute for a second date and say "I don't see this going anywhere." It's incredibly frustrating.
Most women feel unsafe outright rejecting men. Sometimes we feel safer to end the date on a positive note; and be honest later on (or simply disappear).
@BEe-hi4my Although I completely understand the woman's standpoint on safety, it's not the mature way to go about rejecting someone. At least reject the person with compassion not 👻
I get this idea of reverse honeymoon. My wife and I had a lot of awkward, clumsy, troubled times early on in our relationship, even when we were dating. When we met we were in our 30's and neither of us had ever had a long term serious relationship or even dated before. We had both lived alone a long time, so we didn't know how to date and spend time with someone else in a relationship already. I'm glad we stuck with it though because after the two years we dated and the first three or four years of our marriage, we had kind of caught up with our lack of experience and had gotten to know each other and to accept and respect each other. It was even harder because I'm autistic, so like you say, everything is so intense and social situations are so difficult. Now that our relationship has matured, we actually do more fun things together and feel like we are enjoying being together like a honeymoon.
This is my dream. I hope I can find something similar. I’m turning 29 soon and have never had a relationship at all. I doubt I’ll experience a honeymoon phase, I’m just too anxious of a person to enjoy things before they are settled and calm.
“I have never experienced this honeymoon phase” I’m glad I’m not the only one that feels this way. I remember throughout my life meeting women that were attracted to me and I was to them. We hit it off fairly well as I was usually masking . I don’t ever remember feeling this really positive emotional burst that they call the honeymoon phase though. Instead I felt anxious, confused and just flat out drained. Suffice to say these relationships went nowhere fast I for whatever reason don’t feel much positive emotion when it comes to meeting people and dating. I’m not sure why. There’s honestly a sense of apprehension as I know I will have to mask and it isn’t sustainable
I’m also 39 and didn’t know I was autistic until last year. I knew something was off though as dating and relationships just seemed impossible to me. I have always been able to attract women fairly easily but the small talk and planning dates and having to mask was just flat out exhausting. I am baffled as to how autistic people marry and have kids.
Basically… it is beyond frustrating to engage with a society that values an inauthentic projection over an authentic and genuine connection…. When I want to show up authentically in ANY relationship, I am often buffeted by the other persons discomfort or confusion and the results of the interaction are usually amplified compared to a non romantic relationship because the social conditioning and insecurities and expectations around romance and dating are even more…. non-sense 🤷🏽♀️ … like “ok do you actually want to BOND with me or understand yourself and myself and our dynamic, or is that just cosplay?!” 🥴🤡😂 …Ppl are wild. I’m really not interested in participating in the conditioned circus ngl 😪
Me and my girlfriend are both autistic and I think that really strengthens our relationship. She's my first girlfriend, we've been together for 6 months and our relationship just keeps improving. I highly recommend dating other people on the spectrum
How do I find someone like that? I was dating an autistic guy, and he thought that we were too similar and broke up just shy of six months. I hope you're still doing well.
@FlamingCockatiel Dating an autistic person isn't necessarily a solution to finding a partner. I once dated a guy who was on the spectrum - he was annoyingly full of himself and quick to criticize everyone else. Also was extremely shallow. I just want a decent, smart, and funny guy. Him having autism isn't important to me. You want to date someone who is a good match for your personality, not necessarily someone whose diagnoses matches up with yours. Anyone that is willing to understand you the way you want to understand them is worth pursuing.
@@JR-pf9in I thought that he was a decent, humble guy with a good depth of character who understood where I was coming from. We have similar personalities and interests. I didn't find out about my diagnosis until after the breakup.
@FlamingCockatiel That's my bad, I interpreted your earlier comment as "Where do I find the autistic guys who like autistic women?" I'm really sorry that happened to you, though. I would've thought being similar is a good thing. I hope you find a partner who cares for you as much as you do for them. Don't give up, there's a lot of people out there genuinely looking for a real connection. 💜
@@FlamingCockatielI have an ex who was (undiagnosed, but I could see it in her) autistic. I, too, am autistic (diagnosed). We were great friends, and when we realized that we liked each other, we decided to call ourselves romantic partners. What she was keeping from me until our breakup was that she was afraid of the stigma from being in a homosexual relationship being put onto her. She said that her legal guardians (she doesn't live with her parents) didn't like her keeping secrets from them, since she hadn't come out to them, and she was also scared that they wouldn't support her. I know we were both looking for a deep connection, but we were both going the wrong direction with it. I already explained how I know my ex was going in the wrong direction, but I was, too. There's this girl I've had a crush on since the day I met her. Even if there's another crush or relationship going on, my crush on her is always at least in the background. While I was genuinely romantically attracted to my ex, there were some days where I had more romantic feelings for my crush than her! While in the relationship! What you're supposed to get from this is, while romance sounds like a great way to connect with someone, especially if you're attracted to them romantically, isn't the best thing if your partner is/you are keeping secrets from important people not in the relationship about the relationship, or if your partner has/you have to keep secrets about things that might ruin the relationship.
I can relate to a couple of your points.... dang I usually get ghosted within 2-3 weeks of knowing each other it's so exhausting. it's that people usually seem very interested at first but then realise smt and decide they'd rather never speak to me again. that's so fucking exhausting dude like at least tell me "ye we ain't compatible". this has made me quite anxious every time I meet someone new like hell I can just predict that they will discard me, I still keep hope, but eventually the same thing happens. I wish someone would actually like to get to know me for real... good video thnx
My last date told she had a great time and blushed. Then she told me she will contact me a day after her college exam. Afterwards, never heard of her again. Guess I gotta hit the gym to gain 20 pounds of muscle mass and take comedy classes.
@@christiansnaturestudio6599 thats stupid dude don't do that kinda stuff for girls, it'll make u think that these things are the only thing that make u worthy for love. do that kinda stuff for urself. eventually there might be someone. I'm currently dating someone and it's goin well. keep ur hopes up man
I struggle to date because I can’t judge the intentions of the other person, and I can ‘fawn’ which leads me to go along with situations that I don’t really want to. I find the other person can quickly become my ‘special interest’ too, which generally becomes too much for the other person. I prefer my dog than a partner quite frankly!
Great channel and content. Dating is difficult. So are relationships. Autism doesn't make them harder or easier. It makes them harder to engage in because the supply of compatible (autistic) partners is limited. If you want to avoid nuerotypical dating BS, don't date nuerotypical people. Seek out autistic and/or ADHD partners. Avoid nuerotypical people. They are not a compatible nuerotype. Even if you manage to form an intimate bond with them, it's not likely to be a mutually supportive, healthy bond. I'm 59. I know this from bitter personal experience. It's not good for you, and not good for your partner. Seek out people who share your reality. PS: I have a critisim of this content. The background music is terribly distracting. Autistic people are monotropic and highly sensitive to sound, light, taste, touch etc. Anything that draws focus from our monofocus hurts. The music here is like leaf blower or garbage truck wailing away in the background for me. This music has nothing to do with your message. You are not a rapper. You are not speaking in time with the beat. You are not speaking in meter or rhyme. As I try to listen to and process what you are saying, the beat keeps pulling my focus from you. I'm a muscian, so I get that you like music, and want to share it with your viewers. Talking over music isn't good for getting your message accross. Or the message of the music. Combining the two doesn't work. At least not for me. At least not with this LoFi ambient music. Maybe try some Doom Metal or punk rock next time. Turn it up real loud and scream over it like a banshee next time. I'm kidding. To illustrate my point. No music while talking please! It's worse than uneccessry - it's making it hard for me to understand you. No flashing lights or nuseating LED accent lights shifting color constantly thank god. No strobe lights or explosions either, so that's good. Same applies to stacatto jump-cut editing and any number of other all to common bad attention grabbing strategies here, so you're ahead of a lot of creators already. Sorry if this sounds mean or blunt or overly critical. I'm trying to help. You're autistic, so I figure you'll understand... If not, we can never date, lol.... =)
In my experience being autistic I've dated two women and they treated me very poorly and I've had several meltdowns because of it I even went through depression and for a while I lost a interest in dating because I didn't know who to trust
I have never dated a woman in my life because I felt that I have lived in cities and towns that are not correct for me. I have had so much difficulty knowing what cues to look for if a woman is showing interest in me. So far, the only real time in recent months was a woman here in El Paso that autism like I do. We would socialize every day and now I do not hear from her. I felt I did something wrong. I never had a chance to see her in person yet. I think I need to leave El Paso because it's not an autism-friendly city for me to live in. It took me a long time to know that social relationships is COMPLEX. Any help or suggestions is greatly appreciated. I do not have a car nor have a lot of money presently.
I understand a lot of this. But with breaking up with someone I have to say it's no where near as worse than being broken up with. I'm 30 and only just found out I'm Autistic but had been finding ways of coping without really knowing what I was coping with. I finally got diagnosed because I had dealt with a break up very badly, constantly ruminating and fixating on what went wrong, feeling confused about my own feelings and hers. I'd always felt self conscious about myself in relationships and found comfort in being open with a person but this is what personally I have found hard because I'm unsure if the comfort is leading my relationship rather than actually loving that person. Unfortunately I did love this person but by the time I'd really realised that it was too late but equally I did find comfort in it, but I think my own confusion had given off an impression that I didn't feel that way and when I'd realised that I was like a desperate puppy looking for his owner and just pushed her away. But I guess from my experience it's good to understand yourself so you can be open and hope that the other person understands you
Thank you so much, you have a new sub :) I relate to the first point a lot, I have this tendency to be extremely "intense". Intense being: me opening up a lot, being vulnerable, very honest and expecting the same behavior from the other person. Interestingly enough, I also relate to staying in a long-term relationship without addressing incompatibilities. That happened with my last ex. So I guess both extremes can happen for autistic people. I would love a video about how to deal with crushes and the uncertainty around them, maybe some tips as well? I am overwhelmed dealing with strong feelings for someone atm and not knowing if it is/will be reciprocated. Another video idea is maybe how to protect your boundaries as an autistic person. I notice neurotypical people don't respect/understand why/when we need more rest or are unavailable socially due to burn-out or meltdowns. I would like to communicate it properly without hurting their feelings.
Does anyone else get really bad limerence? I have fortunately been very reasonable in taking a slow approach with the person and being responsible by going to therapy to deal with the limerence.
I can really feel the "Reverse Honeymoon". For me, I like to get to know people very slowly. And when I date people, they are usually very determined by their feelings, precisely by this "honeymoon phase" and also want to get physical quickly and already have 100 scenarios of how they imagine the future and that you should move in together directly, etc Or they want to meet 100 times in the beginning and "can't get enough of one". And for me it's just the way that I can only change very slowly. I would also like to get to know the person very slowly, so that if I find out that it will not work out in the long term, I don't have this enormous adjustment with so many changes. That always complicates everything a bit, because in most relationships the counterpart was more likely to be on page 50 if you compare the relationship to a book that both are reading. And I'm on page 1 or even standing in front of the bookshelf still deciding what book to read, haha. :D
Advice: please enter the relationship/dating only if you 100% sure that you like the physical appearance of the person. That’s why non autistic person on page 50 and you still looking at the shelf.
That's how I've always described dating for me, omg that's hilarious 😅 A guy will say he wants to date me after a 5 min conversation or wants to see me every day after a date and I'm just like...what's your last name? What's my birthday? We barely know *anything* about each other! At this pace, we'll be married in two months lol
That's unrealistic. No one is totally on the same page at all times in any relationship. It's like expecting someone to like the same toppings on their pizza as you, at all times. I'll get what I want on my pizza, you get what you want on yours. We can still be compatible/hang out/be friends otherwise.
The reverse honeymoon stage you talk about could have less to do with autism but much more to do with a trauma response. Emotional oversharing in relationships is a symptom of having your needs unmet or feeling abandoned and is a fear response. And people on the spectrum are intimately familiar with these particular kinds of trauma. Just FYI. It can be healed even if you’re on the spectrum by healing abandonment trauma. I feel like having autism doesn’t mean we stop looking for ways to improve the ways we can relate to each other. And this one is definitely something to work on by working on the underlying anxiety about abandonment. Because ironically, this habit increases the chances of rejection. Speaking personally, I do this in relationships too but it’s because I have not learnt how to express my needs clearly (partly because of the difficulty formulating them, and also because of past experiences of being responded to with quizzical or dismissive reactions). And because of that, saying something like - ‘I need you to not do x because it makes me feel y’ is really difficult when we struggle to label our emotions and are confused by the actions of the other. Also, we have only vague reference points for how someone ‘should’ behave and the many social rules that come naturally to NTs. So we overexplain in the hopes that the person can read between the lines, identify our emotional insufficiencies and respond in kind. This actually places a huge burden on the other person. I am still working on trying to figure this one out but I think a good step is just learning how to express our emotions and confusion upfront and not being afraid to do so. Like ‘I felt bad when you said x and I don’t really know why yet’ instead of trying to play detective (another thing we are always doing) to figure out why a person did x and oversharing all the little possibilities and conjectures that come into our heads so that we can get clarity. Also, I notice oversharing and overexplaining only happens when I’m interacting with NT persons. When I’ve dated fellow autistic persons in the past, there was never a need to overexplain because I felt comfortable expressing my ‘quirky’ and ‘odd’ needs.
Honestly, I do understand when you describe that feeling of dispair and discomfort after a break up, break ups are some of the most painful experiences I've gone through. Maybe I have a harder time getting over that because most of the time I don't want it to end but at the same time that feeling of loss tends to become a new normal to me, which is something I do not like and is a huge problem both in relationships and just in daily life, but yeah, this video was great :")
I rather go through a romantic breakup that going through rejections that I won't ever have the opportunity to be with an amazing woman I want to share my life with.
During late autism regression for me i tried going to that new autistic dating app but was looking only for friends put my picture description evrything to begin friend dating and got no replies or matches at all, because I'm now High support needs autistic and have lost all functional speech and the app is mostly filled with level 1 low support needs autistics so a lot of them never wanted to reply to me because I'm THAT Autistic. That "gross" or "visible" autistic. Just FYI actually nonspeaking people are just that people. Adults who want friends too
After 43 years living on this neurotypical planet, I wonder do I want a girlfriend because, I am truly lonely, or am I just seeking approval from others, if they see me with a woman, they will no I am not an autistic spaz. For the past few months, I have been isolating and rebelling against pretty much everything. F*ck the American dream. As a college graduate, I do housekeeping work for judges and lawyers and everyday, I clean their offices and see awards on the walls, pictures of wives, husband's, children, their dogs. How do people function, through life with so much distraction. When I am completely alone performing my routine tasks, I can function. I lost all of my rituals on my phone today, I can't function unless, I do this. When it comes to dating, they say just be yourself, well how do I eat at a restaurant and be like hold on its 11:15 am, I have to check the weather now, or when I get I bring her back to my place, tell her I have to check my phone, because these are routines, I must do then we can watch a movie
This was such a great video! I come to youtube when im feeling misunderstood and alone but your channel is a gem and I will be tuning in to your podcasts! Very relatable. I always wondered how people got through breakups from relationships and marriages because i felt like i was dying just when a friend and I part ways
I despise having autism when it comes to relationships. I feel like all I do is screw up. My issues ultimately push people away. I’m currently in a beautiful relationship and I fear I’m going to lose it soon and it sucks because I just want to be happy with my partner. I’m afraid of being lonely forever.
THIS WHAT SUCH A GOOD VIDEO! I had ZERO confusion or misunderstanding. It was completely relatable for me and very eye opening. After learning I’m autistic, I’m able to understand why previous relationships didn’t work out, why certain dynamics existed, and how I need to approach future relationships differently. You’re absolutely lovely. Will be subscribing!
The truth hurts. I relate to a lot of what you’re saying in this video. Unfortunately, I’m one of those people in long term relationships that have suppressed my true self to keep the peace with my partner. When i’m honest, it comes across as a criticism and she sees it as verbal abuse in many cases. our communication styles make us incompatible. we are talking about separating but I know it’s over now.
This is absolutely perfect. Thank you so much for this. For me, I am 31 years old and I have never been in a relationship. And that is despite my eager to please mindset where I try to please the person I am dating out of fear of being perpetually rejected and despite my strongest attempts to please my dating partner I always end up getting rejected. The reason for my eagerness to please is because I have rejection sensitive dysphoria. And imagine your worst fear constantly coming true no matter what you do. That is what dating is like for me. I’ve already pretty much excepted that I’m never going to get into a relationship. On dating sites iMessage hundreds of people a day that I have matched with and none of them ever messaged me back as I put down on my dating profile that I am autistic. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong why am being constantly rejected, I am friend zoned constantly and those friends use me a lot, but do they want to date me, no. They just use me. Like they consider me a great friend but not a romantic partner. This is one of the reasons why I never let people get close to me when we’re dating as I’m always expecting the rejection. It takes a lot for me to let my guard down
I got friendzoned earlier this year by an autistic guy after some months of dating. It hurt so much, because I had begun to think that we would make a fine man and wife.
"Due to gender roles in heterosexual relationships, in our society, life, the world, culture, nature, reality, whatever you want to call it, men are usually, normally expected to take the lead and initiate, escalate, pursue romantic/sexual relationships. This requires a certain amount of confidence and social skills, social dynamics and social intelligence, conversation ability and human interaction ability, certain social behaviors, which can be very difficult to develop for those who've faced a lot of social isolation and rejection for many years, or have a condition that affects their ability to socialize, such as autism, etc. People who fail to develop these traits, behaviors, due to lack of positive experiences, are much less able to compete with their peers for romantic/sexual relationships. As said before, men being generally expected to initiate and escalate, pursue, the lack of these traits, behaviors, affects their ability to find and attract a romantic/sexual partner, or to get into a relationship, to a much larger degree than it does for women." i thought that was a very powerful and valid post, perfectly worded.
Keep doing what you are doing ❤ I am 29 years old and only realised this year, after moving from the U.K. back home to Thailand that I am autistic. The ironic part was that I worked in a neurodivergent school with teenagers with autism for 4 years. It’s also in my family “suspected” and I’d never batted an eyelid. I’ve always been very sensitive and thought I was an HSP, but nope. As a child, I felt different. I couldn’t understand how a group of girls were able to play together with ease. I wanted to play with them but didn’t know how to. So then, I began to learn by observing and copying because I wanted to fit in. Masking and it became detrimental to my mental health. Professionals thought it’s anxiety / depression. I thought I was a very anxious person but nope…
Im deaf and i noticed my pattern is that once i dated and get in relationships. It lasted least a year then break up. But after beak up, i would stay single for few years. Longest i stayed as single was 10 years. Longest i ever been in relationship is least a year. Why its least a year. What the hell man. I hope I’m not only one. Edit: I forgot to mention that im HFA and ADHD also.
this video was so well done, thank u! i related so much with most if not all the topics you went through! i've realized, some time ago, that i am affraid of relationships, especialy with people i havent known for long, or that arent close friends; and i know this stems from me wanting to avoid changes in my life after breakups and even before the relationship beginns... i am quite ok with showing romantic love and part taking in relationships with friends, because they already know all of my "virtues and flaws", but at the same time i dont date them unless i know for sure that our "friendly routine" wont be too dammaged before, during and after the relationship- cause the people that i have ij my life are too preciouse for me to loose them im also ok with just being with ppl for a shor period of time (when consented by both parties of course), like one night stands and making out, etc, cause that doesnt imply both of us to know profoundly one another i dont know if any of this made sense but, i just wanted to share this with anyone who might understand...
Absolutely brutal, I am the same. I am kissless, handholdless, hugless and virgin while most people my age are having all these sexual experiences and relationships.
Please try to understand that everything will be ok. I was depressed and envious too and paid the price by pushing things. Take your time and focus on loving yourself. Cheers
Is there anyone else with autism who for the longest time just had no desire to date but whose mind changed? I was content spectating romance for a long time to the extent that I tried to scare someone off on the second date. Fast forward a few months, and when I was informed that he no longer wanted to date me, I was devastated, as I thought that we were so good for each other and had a good future together. Connection has always been tough for me, and I bonded with him as I had with no one else, so the loss turned out to be far greater in its effect than I anticipated. He thought that we didn't balance each other out enough. He has autism as well. I had been diagnosed before starting to date him but didn't receive word of the diagnosis until after the breakup.
I experience the honeymoon phase, but it seems the women I date do have the reverse honeymoon. Things go well for a few dates, they get the ick, they get bored, they leave. I don't know anything about relationships but I have a lot of dating experience lol.
Someone dishonest w/ themselves or others may lead to multiple burnouts & shutdowns if u get along well with them /// the first person I dated I think would mask to try to be more palatable & likable for me and compatible to the relationship and I am rly grateful this vid helped me think abt that
I just went through a breakup of a relationship from over 3 and a half years and the first two days I did not stop crying at all and I was hoping she would come back. Then I learnt she was emotionally cheating and healed almost instantly? I know I’m not properly healed but I’m like ok it’s change either way I get back with her and I can never trust her again Or I move on and grow So for me the choice is obvious and I feel empowered in that But ppl seem to still expect me to be very sad and crying when after two days and finding that out I just feel done
This video is spot on for sure and has happened to me on many occasions being autistic in the dating world the most frustrating thing is when i am into a conversation over the course of a few days with someone and then all of a sudden it just stops and i feel like im doing something wrong by saying good morning everyday. I have been told i ask to many questions or that im hard to read. Dating is hard and i just want to feel accepted and not have to be deemed as unreadable
I think most people are judgemental and most likely won't give one the benefit of the doubt. One might have to be rejected thousands of times or be lucky and hit the jackpot sooner than later.
Hi I am undiagnosed autistic. Two months ago I met a girl who I liked a lot (she was from a wealthy Chinese family in the UK) who was autistic as well and had succeeded in her life. But I had to quit today with her, because she was narcissistic and only cared for her only gains, putting me down and saying I would die alone, then love-bomb me and making me feel miserable and upset. This is a sad heart-break because she was my first girl I thought I could trust and love, and thought I had that deep connection. She was too critical of me, blaming me for things to hurt me. I literally don't know what to do now and am lost...
Recently I just discovered that I probably have autism, I just never knew. There were some people who have asked me why I do things the way I do and how does it not bother me but, I've never thought it would be autism. Mainly bcs mental health is just stigmatized in my country and everybody assumes if you're autistic, you behave like a child. So I just assumed it's my personality and never thought much of it. But then recently I discovered some things online about autism and it resonates with me A LOT. It makes sense why I behave the way I do for the longest time I've remembered. In terms of dating, yeah, I'm just very honest and to the point. The last time I liked someone, they started doing mind games and I just dipped. I'm not about to waste my energy, feelings, and time just to "go with the flow". Like just tell me if you see me that way, interested, or no interest. For the longest time I thought that was "normal". But then recently I started realizing that I might not be "normal" and analyzed my conversations with people and their behavior. I still don't really get it, but I think I'm starting to understand what people meant by someone "coming" at you. Funny thing is, I've asked my best friends and they all understand what that someone meant in an instant, while I'm still trying to understand what they truly meant and how my friends come to that conclusion. It made me realize that I think some people have been "hinting" something at me, I just never understand/realize it bcs they never told me personally how they feel. At the same time, I really can't be bothered with it bcs I personally think if you like someone, just tell them as it is. No need to play, be shy and communicate with hints and all. Clear communication about it is just much better
The breakup part really puts into perspective why I handle interviews and deaths the way I do, honestly now that I got diagnosed, I feel like I could handle interviews better, but that feeling of loss shuts me down in the second situation 😅
Mam, I have classic autism, been diagnosed since I was 6 and I am currently 20 and never went on a date before. I just browsed some dating apps like hinge and tinder but I can’t seem to get any matches. I am not fat, not ugly just a little above average when it comes down to attractiveness. Is there any tips you can give me?
Recently I met this person and I want to take my time to build that relationship right. Although we are not dating. I wanna build up and see where things can go before pursuing it. Taking it slow and not rushing into a relationship. But I'll be prepared with all of this in mind. Because the girl I like is also on the spectrum like me.
Similar to the introverted video, I have a hard time relating with many of the points made here, though I do understand why the "introverted type" of Autistic person would. What actually lead me to the discovery of my Autismm, was observing the history of women I've dated. I've had at least 30 girlfriends, and sexual incounters with over 70 women, but only ever had 4 truly meaningful relationships. One that lasted 7 years and 3 that lasted 1 - 2 years each. While I have no real way to be sure, I'm relatively positive that all 4 of these women were Autistic. As I have stated many times, and heard from many other Autistic people, we have a tendency to pick eachother out of crowds. When you're an Extroverted Autistic person, you tend to find more people like you, than most other Autistic people. While I'm aware it's possible for NT's and ND's to have healthy relationships, I doubt that would be a realistic possibility without the Autistic person being aware of their Autism and sharing it with their partner early in the relationship. Wheras I know by experience that two autistic people can have a very fuffilling relationship, without either of them knowing they are Autistic. As for my advice to anyone that desires a fufilling and meaningful relationship, but cant' ever seem to make that connection? Seek out an Autistic person, and throw the "rules of dating" completely out the window. Those rules weren't made for us anyway. One of the most important of those rules to avoid is "moving too fast". Autistic people, that are comfortable being themselves with thier partner 100% (on both sides), will inevitbly blast through the "stages" of dating at 10x the speed of a NT couple. The NT's will gaslight you to no end of illogical reasoning, that there is something wrong with your relationship if things are moving that quickly. So long as you AND your partner are comfortable with the speed in which your relationship is progressing? There is no such thing as "too quickly". Remember, EVERYTHINg is processed differently for us, and at a different speed, which isn't always slower than NT's.
Reverse Honeymoon: I don't get caught up in the lovey-dovey stuff right away. When I meet someone new, they aren't my lover right off the bat. We have to learn to love each other by dating. After some consistent time together, that love becomes a relationship. I think we get lost in the emotions and forget what we need to know about each other. What matters to us is going to make a relationship more meaningful and give it a stronger foundation than what flatters us all the time. Vulnerability: I tend to be more serious, but I have a sense of humor. I also end up being more private, but I'm still open-minded. People reveal more about their lives to me than I do to them. They get comfortable with me because they know I'll take them seriously. That and I'll listen to them more than I talk. When it's my turn to share, it becomes too intense for them, too much to think about. This leaves me confused since they openly shared their experiences, but change their minds just as easily. Breakups: I base my relationships in logic and emotion. This sensitivity and intimacy is important to balance for me. When they are unaligned, during a breakup too, it's a change that I feel and think can be fixed. Of course, I'm not here to control what people do or think. I have to remember, their choice is their own and I can only control what I can control. Masking and burnout is like donning a human suit. Every day feels like a rehearsal. The more honest you can be, the more authentic you will be. Without staying true to your values and who you are, being with someone becomes a chore rather than a deeper experience. You can be different from each other and still learn from each other to strengthen your relationship. It all starts with honesty and communication.
I definitely practice Reverse Honeymoon. The more I dated the guy, the more I liked him and imagined a future with him. I was bummed when he didn't feel the same way about me.
this explains a lot tbh. i always wondered why the one "good ex bf" ive had was the only one i didnt spiral from after we broke up....i was literally in a post psychosis mania lmao. miss him.
The constant rejection that goes with dating just turns me off to dating in general. I am definitely neuroatypical, and getting rejected over and over again has a cumulative negative effect on me. That is why some men give up on dating entirely.
I just found your channel, thank you so much for creating so much informative content! Somehow most of your videos concern the exact questions i so often ask myself but cant seem to work through by myself, so thank you so so much
Sex is good I drunk a lot when I was younger but relationships are a complete different kettle of fish with me who has a mix of Asperger's/ASD and bipolar moments. I been good at making friends but struggle with connection with relationships. Can't feel like being around people all the time and need the space.
Ha, yes! I never understood this! I'm having amazing friendships even with guys but have never managed a romantic relationship because of the superficiality and lack of honestly. Why wait YEARS to address something that is upsetting?!??? It will definitely get worse over time! What good will it do to wait?! Ok, don't start it in the moment, take a breath, calm down, address it as unemotionally as possible, but in the end it comes to 2 possibilities: either you discuss it and come to understand how you can improve things, or it will build into resentment and in the end break the relationship. The whole idea of the begining of the relationship is to figure out if you're a good fit for eachother. It drives me nuts, how people expect you to get into a serious relationship without actually knowing eachother. How can you be intimate if you don't know the other person?! How can you become close if you don't share things?! So many times I'd share something about me, like this is a value for me, it's important and this is why, and the guy's response would be something on the lines of "why are you sharing this" and "you're too intense"! Well, idk, we've been dating for a couple of months and are supposedly working towards a long term relationship, doesn't it make sense to see if we're compatible on more serious issues than wine and dine choices?!??? Idk... I'll never understand this... Dating is even worse than job hunting. People want a serious relationship without actually sharing, but for me i just can't understand how that is even possible. You can't be long term seriously and remain at a superficial level. Makes no sense, you can't even depend on one another.
🌻Yas! One of the lost validating experiences I’ve ever had with a friend was when he told me,”Ah… I get it … you use openness and vulnerability as a currency.”
This really confirmed all the things I've felt I needed in relationships and that the people around me consistently do not understand. Thank you for helping me feel less alone and more understood.
I think I struggle with this when talking to someone and they do something that seems kind of iffy but it’s not mine to talk about (over using / misusing aave for example) and then i tend to ruminate and overthink to the point where I stop talking to them and I don’t know what to do about this because then it ends up being to late to say anything.
I also bring things up in the moment, and it is always with the mindset of making the relationship better and stronger. I realized in dating a narcissist that when I did this it almost always became a fight because it became about his insecurities and how he wasn’t good enough rather than how to support me and help our relationship. It makes me think about that quote about how my basic needs will always be too much for an emotionally unavailable person. It seems like dating another autistic person would be fulfilling because there would be compassion and understanding, a more personal understanding to the challenges I face.
Hey! I am so glad I stumbled upon your page. I am dating a friend of mine and I noticed the Anixety I had with him. He is high function autistic. I Was always worried he would leave me because of his reaction to me. I really love him and he says he loves me too I really want to learn more to build a beautiful life with him.
On gosh, so much this! I've just been through a breakup and am falling apart, signed off work with the resulting depression too. I'm feeling all the things you described with the change and the loss of the life I'd built with this person, etc.... Thank you for this video, I feel seen xx
for me dating people with autism also has been the most comfortable ive felt, however breakups after dating another one of your kind are nightmareish because you know that it will be near impossible to find that kind of connection again in a sea of neurotypicals
Thank you very much Irene! I resonated with this 100% and you just helped me realise my dating pattern(s). I always thought that I am doing something wrong, that I have too high standards, I am too intense, too much because I want to know everything already at the beginning. I don’t need small talk, empty/cliché dates, just someone with whom I can communicate openly and honestly, and they are understanding, open to talk about themselves.
Thanks for the video, Irene! ☺ I traveled for work so maybe why I had one verrrryyy long-lasting relationship (space was the byproduct). 11:13 Probably the main reason at my age (59), I won't be dating anymore. I met an autist online and I think we were both mirroring trying to figure each other out. What a mess. On top of that, their addictions. I can't have addictions in my life as that's not showing up in organic truth. Now I value my inner 'spiritual closet' over outer validation and reciprocation. True authenticity and courage is hard to come by. If by fate, I click with someone in a true sense, separate living arrangements will remain. (Honestly, I was never made for relationships lol)
Hey Irene, thank you so much for this video. I didn't realize that what I was doing was due to my autism. Like you said, I come off as rather intense and need communication, often being told that I am very blunt and I hate playing those mind games where we are supposed to decide if we like each other or not. I rather just bluntly tell someone that I am interested in them, talk about things every step of the way but also notice that I end up obsessing over every little thing that has to do with the person I like, such as the conversations we have, their interest, ect. On Break ups, they are physically painful since now I am supposed to change my whole routine that I build around this person.
Resonates so deep, thank you for this content, but it also depends on whether or not the other person is a neurotypical and yes I need honesty and vulnerability.
Dating is non existant for me :....( Im turning 34 this year and my family is pressuring me to find someone and have kids and I havent even had a successful relationship yet alone having kids and marriage. :......((((
A lot of the things you've said are things I've been thinking for awhile, but it's been hard to come to terms with them or realize that there's nothing wrong with me being honest, intense, or different. Lately, videos like this one have been helping me realize I just need to clearly discover what it is I want, need, and who I am, rather than living in a way that suits the people around me. I've watched a lot of Orion Kelly and Autism from the Inside, but I don't think a video has very clearly put into words how I've been feeling about relationships until this one. My roommates rescued me from a toxic household, but they have their own issues, and the way they approach the world and "advise" me to handle the world has been making me feel like there's something wrong with me. Recently, I dated someone who I had all of these issues with: They fell very hard for me right away (whereas it took awhile for me to get into things), I put a mirror to a lot of their issues whilst approaching my own, -- and they reacted very poorly (thought most of our conversations were fights) and ultimately became very uncomfortable by me being as you described, intense, serious, "confrontational" and blunt. My roommates kind of swept in to offer her a life not having to face those issues: My roommates frequently compartmentalize their issues, aren't clear (or honest) in expressing how they feel, what they want, or why, -- and usually put problems and self-introspection aside, -- jumping from partner to partner, drinking alcohol, spending lots of money, or in general losing themselves in games, new obsessions and new distractions. In general, they've tried to impart those beliefs onto me, -- and are now imparting them onto the one I was dating, who quickly chose to date them and break up with me. The break up was really hard on me, -- I felt relieved that it was over, -- mostly because of how my ex handled the situation, their motivations for decision making, relationships and life, had made it clear to me that it wouldn't last. It still hurt though: And it wasn't because I missed them, it was because I had been vulnerable to them, opened myself up to compromise, talked about incredibly hard things, put a lot of effort into figuring out what they liked, developed new routines and practices, and started adjusting my schedule to be more accommodating in spending more time with them. My life just kind of got flipped around, -- I was really overwhelmed and this all threw me for a loop for at least two weeks. During those two weeks I had days of contemplating what my life was going to look like, what had changed, what I needed to do differently, and underwent a lot of introspection. They all in general moved on pretty quickly: I don't mean to say they have no lingering feelings or thoughts from everything that happened, -- moreso it felt like they got back to living life pretty easily after only a day or two, -- and that made me feel like there was something wrong with me, -- especially since my ex had thrown worries out that I was condependant, that I she wouldn't be able to live a normal life with me (one example she made was that she was worried about what "would happen" if she wanted me to make a phone call for her, -- as if I can't make a phone call), and that my roommates apparently thought I was a bad choice for her. In general, they all made me feel like I'm defective. I've done my best to try to understand them, ask why they believe the things they do, challenge ideas (including my own), and in general find a way to be accommodating, open and compromise: but videos like this one have helped me realize that there's nothing wrong with me being autistic, that I'm not alone in my struggles, and that there are others out there that I can have a beautiful, healthy and honest connection with, -- and that it will just take me clearly figuring out what I want, need, how to communicate that to someone else, and how to stand up for myself more quickly when I know a relationship won't work, or that they're making me feel like I am defective. I hope that anyone reading this gets something positive out of it, and thank you so much for this video, it's helped me a lot.
let me tell u, as someone who just left a 6 year relationship, longevity does mean a lack of problems. infact promlems drag unhealthy relationships out more than anything, and mutual unhealthiness can make you hold onto something that isnt working simply bc of how much you care for eachother, even if you can see its not working
Definitely also have provided/needed to create that vulnerable space. Both within romantic relationships and in platonic ones. It’s an amazing strength, but has scared some people away, haha
I have a partner that is autistic right now we are 19 years old but I have struggles with understanding my partner and I’m not sure how can I be able to maintain the relationship since I really like my partner and I’m trying to understand it’s issues but I need help on what do I need to do with the sensory contact 🥺
its so relatable! thank u for it! i always felt like a goofy thing in relationships and so intense. it always felt to me like i was doing the work for 2. now I understand part of the things through autism lens and making little steps to accept me and my way of love
I love the final part. This part clarified to me why i am so disappointed with a lot of my relationships. Honesty is a hard trait to find now days... i feel that even my parents can't be honest and this has been the source of a lot of conflict. Great video, thanks for sharing your experience.
This video really enlightened me as to why I connected so much with my previous - and current - girlfriend. I really got closer to them because they could cut to the heart of the truth.
So everything you are saying. Me 100% like everything. Same lived experiences in regards to how the progression of emotional bonding occurs. What I would say is that, for better or worse where we are as a society currently is that the social norms are still updating. For those of us who are ASD I do highly recommend learning about framing of rhetoric. Not because we should change the message of what we are trying to get across, but more so that we can take the edge off of what we say and how we communicate. It would be nice if we didn't have to do that to just exist, but sadly we are not there yet. At the moment that is the compromise. It took me a long time to be ok setting boundaries and expectations without just compartmentalized and pushing it all down till eventually I would have a breakdown. Then that breakdown would be a constant source of anxiety as though I were always trying to make up for the fact that I had an emotional overload. Thank you for speaking out on these things because you do it very well. It allows people like myself who sometimes find it difficult to verbalize feelings to be able to do so with ways of thinking that didn't occur onitially.
It's hard to fully accommodate with everyone when it comes to dating. Ive been meeting women from multicultural backgrounds and goals and ideas. I grow up in the Boston area BTW. It can hard to find compatible partners if you are living in a extremely diverse urban areas like NYC or LA.
My ex girlfriend (autistic) only told me that she had been masking during our relationship when we broke up. I was very hurt by it because Im also a high masker (adhd) but only around people idk very well… I don’t think it was personal though, I think I’m an honest person in general. thank you for this video, it helps me understand her a little bit more.
This resonated completely. I haven’t dated in close to five years simply because the beginning stage and constant “compromise” of not addressing issues in order to keep the peace… was just exhausting. Like I would love to have a partner, but I would love that partner to be able to communicate with me and understand my needs (and vice versa - I want to understand their needs, too). I want a reliable team mate first, romance second. lol
tbh this is why I moved to finding online communities to build friendships. i think i’m demisexual.
I fucking understand you're completely literally my life right now its fucking insane😅😅
Yeh I get that for sure
Screen potential partners for autism. Reject anyone not on the spectrum. Draw from a pool of sweetwater.
Instead of swampwater.
Easier said than done, I know ;-)
Genuinely think you shouldn’t compromise. What you said in your post isn’t anything toxic but actually something that could be so valuable given the right person.
Unrelated but i have a friend who has a very specific needs and it is quite unconventional but bc generally it isn’t accepted by society (nothing too strange but it is quite unconventional), she just gave up dating for more than 16 yrs when she met her partner and she told her partner upfront that xyz could not happen. The partner was down with it and they have been together for more than 6 yrs. i just want to let you know that you don’t nd to contort yourself to fit my social standards if it doesn’t work for you neurodivergence
Yes! I loved this. Very relatable. Break ups were so hard for me. I literally felt like I was going insane. The anxiety was so intense I really couldnt stand it. And no matter what, it takes a long time for me to not feel the emotional pain anymore and I didn't even love the person. I guess I was mourning the routine, not the loss of the relationship.
omg mourning the routine!! i think that really accurately describes what i feel when i get heartbroken. i haven't been in a relationship in years but the last time i had a crush and thought it was going somewhere, i went off the rails when i found out his feelings were unrequited even though he was never mine. talking to him and flirting with him and believing i was going to be with him had *become* my routine.
I think I’m still mourning some routines/people. Recently I noticed much of my life has changed quite a lot in the last year or so. I don’t have the same people around me.
Dating is just so challenging it pulls you out of your comfort zone so much I think a lot of us just sink yourselves into our hobbies and friends and other interests rather than go through this . Even though we would love to have a special person in our lives but special people that we are comfortable with and that get us are very rare , at least in my experience. Best of luck to everyone .
Being autistic, I’ve always aspired to date other autistic people so we have more of a grounded understanding of each other. I would like to find spaces where I could meet autistic peers in person tho.
I was having a very similar thought recently, but I have no clue how to go about that 😅
It didn’t occur to me that I might be autistic until I met my current autistic boyfriend, after many years of pain and confusion in relationships. Now I’m like duh….how did I not know this about myself???? Everything makes sense
If you randomly happen to live in LA, check out Kava Kulture in Atwater Village. If you live elsewhere, try any kava place close to you. Being new to them, I found that they tend to be a great combination of low-stimulation and potentially high-focus places to co-work or study. And of course, the kava itself has a lot of good benefits for you. ☮️
@@nickhumberstonemusic yes i love kava bars :):)
Thank you for this video, this is, as another autistic person, is very relatable! I can’t handle “playing games” so i’m very direct and straightforward in my communication and it seems like people think this is too much at the beginning? Like you should just “go with the flow” until its the right time to even voice your concerns or needs or whatever. Its just like you said; im not looking for confrontation or a disagreement, just open communication! And break ups are verrrry hard for me. I’m not really dating for these reasons at the moment, its too hard
Yes! I'm not autistic but have social anxiety issues and Adhd and for me the games of lying and manipulation are too much for me. I try really hard to explain to ppl I just want honesty and open communication, no BS. It's very hard to find ppl who will agree to it and follow through and not get offended or omit the truth from you.
I wish I had a beautiful relationship with a really awesome woman. I've been shooting my shot until I'm emotionally burnt out from rejections and ghosting
Not wanting to play games is a good thing. It suggests that you're not emotionally unavailable.
Wow, what is it you exactly say, cause if you actually say whats on your mind, 99 percent of men want that
One of the BIGGEST things I hate about dating is how at the end of the first date, the woman will say "I had fun! Let's do this again!" I get excited about a woman potentially being interested in spending more time with me. Then, 9 times out of 10, she will either ghost me or bail on me last minute for a second date and say "I don't see this going anywhere." It's incredibly frustrating.
Amen brotha!
Man. You just described the worst decade of my life to a T
Most women feel unsafe outright rejecting men. Sometimes we feel safer to end the date on a positive note; and be honest later on (or simply disappear).
Happened to my last date 2 months ago 🥲 Maybe I work on being the next young Leonardo Dicaprio, the tides can turn positively
@BEe-hi4my Although I completely understand the woman's standpoint on safety, it's not the mature way to go about rejecting someone. At least reject the person with compassion not 👻
I get this idea of reverse honeymoon. My wife and I had a lot of awkward, clumsy, troubled times early on in our relationship, even when we were dating. When we met we were in our 30's and neither of us had ever had a long term serious relationship or even dated before. We had both lived alone a long time, so we didn't know how to date and spend time with someone else in a relationship already.
I'm glad we stuck with it though because after the two years we dated and the first three or four years of our marriage, we had kind of caught up with our lack of experience and had gotten to know each other and to accept and respect each other.
It was even harder because I'm autistic, so like you say, everything is so intense and social situations are so difficult.
Now that our relationship has matured, we actually do more fun things together and feel like we are enjoying being together like a honeymoon.
My former boyfriend never seemed to move out of the thinking-it's-awkward stage, while I accepted his quirks. I still miss spending time with him.
This is my dream. I hope I can find something similar. I’m turning 29 soon and have never had a relationship at all. I doubt I’ll experience a honeymoon phase, I’m just too anxious of a person to enjoy things before they are settled and calm.
“I have never experienced this honeymoon phase”
I’m glad I’m not the only one that feels this way. I remember throughout my life meeting women that were attracted to me and I was to them. We hit it off fairly well as I was usually masking . I don’t ever remember feeling this really positive emotional burst that they call the honeymoon phase though. Instead I felt anxious, confused and just flat out drained. Suffice to say these relationships went nowhere fast
I for whatever reason don’t feel much positive emotion when it comes to meeting people and dating. I’m not sure why. There’s honestly a sense of apprehension as I know I will have to mask and it isn’t sustainable
Oof. I just have one question. Do you get that feeling in your heart? If you don't know what "that feeling" is, just say no.
I'm 39 and never dated. It all seems so overwhelming.
I’m also 39 and didn’t know I was autistic until last year. I knew something was off though as dating and relationships just seemed impossible to me. I have always been able to attract women fairly easily but the small talk and planning dates and having to mask was just flat out exhausting. I am baffled as to how autistic people marry and have kids.
I am 31 and never dated either. I have Asperger's.
you should date each other
Whoo! Girl at 26 having Audhd, people just piss me off! 😂😂😂
Basically… it is beyond frustrating to engage with a society that values an inauthentic projection over an authentic and genuine connection…. When I want to show up authentically in ANY relationship, I am often buffeted by the other persons discomfort or confusion and the results of the interaction are usually amplified compared to a non romantic relationship because the social conditioning and insecurities and expectations around romance and dating are even more…. non-sense 🤷🏽♀️ … like “ok do you actually want to BOND with me or understand yourself and myself and our dynamic, or is that just cosplay?!” 🥴🤡😂 …Ppl are wild. I’m really not interested in participating in the conditioned circus ngl 😪
"Conditioned circus" 😂
Me and my girlfriend are both autistic and I think that really strengthens our relationship. She's my first girlfriend, we've been together for 6 months and our relationship just keeps improving.
I highly recommend dating other people on the spectrum
How do I find someone like that? I was dating an autistic guy, and he thought that we were too similar and broke up just shy of six months. I hope you're still doing well.
@FlamingCockatiel Dating an autistic person isn't necessarily a solution to finding a partner. I once dated a guy who was on the spectrum - he was annoyingly full of himself and quick to criticize everyone else. Also was extremely shallow.
I just want a decent, smart, and funny guy. Him having autism isn't important to me.
You want to date someone who is a good match for your personality, not necessarily someone whose diagnoses matches up with yours.
Anyone that is willing to understand you the way you want to understand them is worth pursuing.
@@JR-pf9in I thought that he was a decent, humble guy with a good depth of character who understood where I was coming from. We have similar personalities and interests. I didn't find out about my diagnosis until after the breakup.
@FlamingCockatiel That's my bad, I interpreted your earlier comment as "Where do I find the autistic guys who like autistic women?"
I'm really sorry that happened to you, though. I would've thought being similar is a good thing.
I hope you find a partner who cares for you as much as you do for them. Don't give up, there's a lot of people out there genuinely looking for a real connection. 💜
@@FlamingCockatielI have an ex who was (undiagnosed, but I could see it in her) autistic. I, too, am autistic (diagnosed). We were great friends, and when we realized that we liked each other, we decided to call ourselves romantic partners. What she was keeping from me until our breakup was that she was afraid of the stigma from being in a homosexual relationship being put onto her. She said that her legal guardians (she doesn't live with her parents) didn't like her keeping secrets from them, since she hadn't come out to them, and she was also scared that they wouldn't support her.
I know we were both looking for a deep connection, but we were both going the wrong direction with it. I already explained how I know my ex was going in the wrong direction, but I was, too. There's this girl I've had a crush on since the day I met her. Even if there's another crush or relationship going on, my crush on her is always at least in the background. While I was genuinely romantically attracted to my ex, there were some days where I had more romantic feelings for my crush than her! While in the relationship!
What you're supposed to get from this is, while romance sounds like a great way to connect with someone, especially if you're attracted to them romantically, isn't the best thing if your partner is/you are keeping secrets from important people not in the relationship about the relationship, or if your partner has/you have to keep secrets about things that might ruin the relationship.
I can relate to a couple of your points.... dang I usually get ghosted within 2-3 weeks of knowing each other it's so exhausting. it's that people usually seem very interested at first but then realise smt and decide they'd rather never speak to me again. that's so fucking exhausting dude like at least tell me "ye we ain't compatible".
this has made me quite anxious every time I meet someone new like hell I can just predict that they will discard me, I still keep hope, but eventually the same thing happens. I wish someone would actually like to get to know me for real...
good video thnx
My last date told she had a great time and blushed. Then she told me she will contact me a day after her college exam. Afterwards, never heard of her again. Guess I gotta hit the gym to gain 20 pounds of muscle mass and take comedy classes.
@@christiansnaturestudio6599 thats stupid dude don't do that kinda stuff for girls, it'll make u think that these things are the only thing that make u worthy for love. do that kinda stuff for urself. eventually there might be someone. I'm currently dating someone and it's goin well. keep ur hopes up man
I struggle to date because I can’t judge the intentions of the other person, and I can ‘fawn’ which leads me to go along with situations that I don’t really want to. I find the other person can quickly become my ‘special interest’ too, which generally becomes too much for the other person. I prefer my dog than a partner quite frankly!
I agree
Great channel and content. Dating is difficult. So are relationships. Autism doesn't make them harder or easier. It makes them harder to engage in because the supply of compatible (autistic) partners is limited. If you want to avoid nuerotypical dating BS, don't date nuerotypical people.
Seek out autistic and/or ADHD partners. Avoid nuerotypical people. They are not a compatible nuerotype. Even if you manage to form an intimate bond with them, it's not likely to be a mutually supportive, healthy bond. I'm 59. I know this from bitter personal experience. It's not good for you, and not good for your partner.
Seek out people who share your reality.
PS: I have a critisim of this content. The background music is terribly distracting. Autistic people are monotropic and highly sensitive to sound, light, taste, touch etc. Anything that draws focus from our monofocus hurts. The music here is like leaf blower or garbage truck wailing away in the background for me.
This music has nothing to do with your message. You are not a rapper. You are not speaking in time with the beat. You are not speaking in meter or rhyme. As I try to listen to and process what you are saying, the beat keeps pulling my focus from you. I'm a muscian, so I get that you like music, and want to share it with your viewers. Talking over music isn't good for getting your message accross. Or the message of the music. Combining the two doesn't work. At least not for me. At least not with this LoFi ambient music.
Maybe try some Doom Metal or punk rock next time. Turn it up real loud and scream over it like a banshee next time. I'm kidding. To illustrate my point. No music while talking please! It's worse than uneccessry - it's making it hard for me to understand you. No flashing lights or nuseating LED accent lights shifting color constantly thank god. No strobe lights or explosions either, so that's good. Same applies to stacatto jump-cut editing and any number of other all to common bad attention grabbing strategies here, so you're ahead of a lot of creators already.
Sorry if this sounds mean or blunt or overly critical. I'm trying to help. You're autistic, so I figure you'll understand... If not, we can never date, lol....
=)
I got rejected/friendzoned by an autistic man partly because he thought we were too similar, although I thought similarity meant strength.
In my experience being autistic I've dated two women and they treated me very poorly and I've had several meltdowns because of it I even went through depression and for a while I lost a interest in dating because I didn't know who to trust
I feel you bro. These women missed out on an amazing guy and that is YOU. It's their loss
I have never dated a woman in my life because I felt that I have lived in cities and towns that are not correct for me. I have had so much difficulty knowing what cues to look for if a woman is showing interest in me. So far, the only real time in recent months was a woman here in El Paso that autism like I do. We would socialize every day and now I do not hear from her. I felt I did something wrong. I never had a chance to see her in person yet. I think I need to leave El Paso because it's not an autism-friendly city for me to live in. It took me a long time to know that social relationships is COMPLEX. Any help or suggestions is greatly appreciated. I do not have a car nor have a lot of money presently.
I understand a lot of this. But with breaking up with someone I have to say it's no where near as worse than being broken up with. I'm 30 and only just found out I'm Autistic but had been finding ways of coping without really knowing what I was coping with. I finally got diagnosed because I had dealt with a break up very badly, constantly ruminating and fixating on what went wrong, feeling confused about my own feelings and hers. I'd always felt self conscious about myself in relationships and found comfort in being open with a person but this is what personally I have found hard because I'm unsure if the comfort is leading my relationship rather than actually loving that person. Unfortunately I did love this person but by the time I'd really realised that it was too late but equally I did find comfort in it, but I think my own confusion had given off an impression that I didn't feel that way and when I'd realised that I was like a desperate puppy looking for his owner and just pushed her away. But I guess from my experience it's good to understand yourself so you can be open and hope that the other person understands you
Thank you so much, you have a new sub :) I relate to the first point a lot, I have this tendency to be extremely "intense". Intense being: me opening up a lot, being vulnerable, very honest and expecting the same behavior from the other person. Interestingly enough, I also relate to staying in a long-term relationship without addressing incompatibilities. That happened with my last ex. So I guess both extremes can happen for autistic people. I would love a video about how to deal with crushes and the uncertainty around them, maybe some tips as well? I am overwhelmed dealing with strong feelings for someone atm and not knowing if it is/will be reciprocated.
Another video idea is maybe how to protect your boundaries as an autistic person. I notice neurotypical people don't respect/understand why/when we need more rest or are unavailable socially due to burn-out or meltdowns. I would like to communicate it properly without hurting their feelings.
Does anyone else get really bad limerence?
I have fortunately been very reasonable in taking a slow approach with the person and being responsible by going to therapy to deal with the limerence.
I can really feel the "Reverse Honeymoon". For me, I like to get to know people very slowly. And when I date people, they are usually very determined by their feelings, precisely by this "honeymoon phase" and also want to get physical quickly and already have 100 scenarios of how they imagine the future and that you should move in together directly, etc Or they want to meet 100 times in the beginning and "can't get enough of one". And for me it's just the way that I can only change very slowly. I would also like to get to know the person very slowly, so that if I find out that it will not work out in the long term, I don't have this enormous adjustment with so many changes. That always complicates everything a bit, because in most relationships the counterpart was more likely to be on page 50 if you compare the relationship to a book that both are reading. And I'm on page 1 or even standing in front of the bookshelf still deciding what book to read, haha. :D
This is similar to how demisexuality is described
That's if there is a guarantee romantic potential otherwise I don't like wasting on dates that don't work out.
Advice: please enter the relationship/dating only if you 100% sure that you like the physical appearance of the person. That’s why non autistic person on page 50 and you still looking at the shelf.
That's how I've always described dating for me, omg that's hilarious 😅
A guy will say he wants to date me after a 5 min conversation or wants to see me every day after a date and I'm just like...what's your last name? What's my birthday? We barely know *anything* about each other! At this pace, we'll be married in two months lol
That's unrealistic. No one is totally on the same page at all times in any relationship. It's like expecting someone to like the same toppings on their pizza as you, at all times. I'll get what I want on my pizza, you get what you want on yours. We can still be compatible/hang out/be friends otherwise.
😢any advice for people like us who just cant get a relationship to start with BECAUSE we're autistic. Its been forever. This fuckin sucks
The reverse honeymoon stage you talk about could have less to do with autism but much more to do with a trauma response. Emotional oversharing in relationships is a symptom of having your needs unmet or feeling abandoned and is a fear response. And people on the spectrum are intimately familiar with these particular kinds of trauma. Just FYI. It can be healed even if you’re on the spectrum by healing abandonment trauma.
I feel like having autism doesn’t mean we stop looking for ways to improve the ways we can relate to each other. And this one is definitely something to work on by working on the underlying anxiety about abandonment. Because ironically, this habit increases the chances of rejection.
Speaking personally, I do this in relationships too but it’s because I have not learnt how to express my needs clearly (partly because of the difficulty formulating them, and also because of past experiences of being responded to with quizzical or dismissive reactions). And because of that, saying something like - ‘I need you to not do x because it makes me feel y’ is really difficult when we struggle to label our emotions and are confused by the actions of the other. Also, we have only vague reference points for how someone ‘should’ behave and the many social rules that come naturally to NTs. So we overexplain in the hopes that the person can read between the lines, identify our emotional insufficiencies and respond in kind. This actually places a huge burden on the other person.
I am still working on trying to figure this one out but I think a good step is just learning how to express our emotions and confusion upfront and not being afraid to do so. Like ‘I felt bad when you said x and I don’t really know why yet’ instead of trying to play detective (another thing we are always doing) to figure out why a person did x and oversharing all the little possibilities and conjectures that come into our heads so that we can get clarity.
Also, I notice oversharing and overexplaining only happens when I’m interacting with NT persons. When I’ve dated fellow autistic persons in the past, there was never a need to overexplain because I felt comfortable expressing my ‘quirky’ and ‘odd’ needs.
Honestly, I do understand when you describe that feeling of dispair and discomfort after a break up, break ups are some of the most painful experiences I've gone through. Maybe I have a harder time getting over that because most of the time I don't want it to end but at the same time that feeling of loss tends to become a new normal to me, which is something I do not like and is a huge problem both in relationships and just in daily life, but yeah, this video was great :")
I rather go through a romantic breakup that going through rejections that I won't ever have the opportunity to be with an amazing woman I want to share my life with.
During late autism regression for me i tried going to that new autistic dating app but was looking only for friends put my picture description evrything to begin friend dating and got no replies or matches at all, because I'm now High support needs autistic and have lost all functional speech and the app is mostly filled with level 1 low support needs autistics so a lot of them never wanted to reply to me because I'm THAT Autistic. That "gross" or "visible" autistic. Just FYI actually nonspeaking people are just that people. Adults who want friends too
After 43 years living on this neurotypical planet, I wonder do I want a girlfriend because, I am truly lonely, or am I just seeking approval from others, if they see me with a woman, they will no I am not an autistic spaz. For the past few months, I have been isolating and rebelling against pretty much everything. F*ck the American dream. As a college graduate, I do housekeeping work for judges and lawyers and everyday, I clean their offices and see awards on the walls, pictures of wives, husband's, children, their dogs. How do people function, through life with so much distraction. When I am completely alone performing my routine tasks, I can function. I lost all of my rituals on my phone today, I can't function unless, I do this. When it comes to dating, they say just be yourself, well how do I eat at a restaurant and be like hold on its 11:15 am, I have to check the weather now, or when I get I bring her back to my place, tell her I have to check my phone, because these are routines, I must do then we can watch a movie
This was such a great video! I come to youtube when im feeling misunderstood and alone but your channel is a gem and I will be tuning in to your podcasts! Very relatable. I always wondered how people got through breakups from relationships and marriages because i felt like i was dying just when a friend and I part ways
I despise having autism when it comes to relationships. I feel like all I do is screw up. My issues ultimately push people away. I’m currently in a beautiful relationship and I fear I’m going to lose it soon and it sucks because I just want to be happy with my partner. I’m afraid of being lonely forever.
Thanks so much for wonderful content. I bought the masking workbook and not only is it smart and helpful but it's beautifully designed too!
THIS WHAT SUCH A GOOD VIDEO! I had ZERO confusion or misunderstanding. It was completely relatable for me and very eye opening. After learning I’m autistic, I’m able to understand why previous relationships didn’t work out, why certain dynamics existed, and how I need to approach future relationships differently. You’re absolutely lovely. Will be subscribing!
The truth hurts. I relate to a lot of what you’re saying in this video.
Unfortunately, I’m one of those people in long term relationships that have suppressed my true self to keep the peace with my partner.
When i’m honest, it comes across as a criticism and she sees it as verbal abuse in many cases.
our communication styles make us incompatible. we are talking about separating but I know it’s over now.
This is absolutely perfect. Thank you so much for this.
For me, I am 31 years old and I have never been in a relationship. And that is despite my eager to please mindset where I try to please the person I am dating out of fear of being perpetually rejected and despite my strongest attempts to please my dating partner I always end up getting rejected. The reason for my eagerness to please is because I have rejection sensitive dysphoria.
And imagine your worst fear constantly coming true no matter what you do. That is what dating is like for me. I’ve already pretty much excepted that I’m never going to get into a relationship.
On dating sites iMessage hundreds of people a day that I have matched with and none of them ever messaged me back as I put down on my dating profile that I am autistic.
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong why am being constantly rejected, I am friend zoned constantly and those friends use me a lot, but do they want to date me, no. They just use me. Like they consider me a great friend but not a romantic partner. This is one of the reasons why I never let people get close to me when we’re dating as I’m always expecting the rejection. It takes a lot for me to let my guard down
i'm going to assume you are a guy, male, since its typically men more than women who reach 30+ years of age and have never dated
I don't think you'd want to be attracting a lot of people since people are pretty shrewd. Luckily, you only need 1. 😊
@Heyu7her3 or you can travel overseas. The data scene has been a Hella lot worse than 5 years due to bring hypersexualized in this Western society
I got friendzoned earlier this year by an autistic guy after some months of dating. It hurt so much, because I had begun to think that we would make a fine man and wife.
"Due to gender roles in heterosexual relationships, in our society, life, the world, culture, nature, reality, whatever you want to call it, men are usually, normally expected to take the lead and initiate, escalate, pursue romantic/sexual relationships.
This requires a certain amount of confidence and social skills, social dynamics and social intelligence, conversation ability and human interaction ability, certain social behaviors, which can be very difficult to develop for those who've faced a lot of social isolation and rejection for many years, or have a condition that affects their ability to socialize, such as autism, etc.
People who fail to develop these traits, behaviors, due to lack of positive experiences, are much less able to compete with their peers for romantic/sexual relationships.
As said before, men being generally expected to initiate and escalate, pursue, the lack of these traits, behaviors, affects their ability to find and attract a romantic/sexual partner, or to get into a relationship, to a much larger degree than it does for women."
i thought that was a very powerful and valid post, perfectly worded.
Keep doing what you are doing ❤ I am 29 years old and only realised this year, after moving from the U.K. back home to Thailand that I am autistic. The ironic part was that I worked in a neurodivergent school with teenagers with autism for 4 years. It’s also in my family “suspected” and I’d never batted an eyelid. I’ve always been very sensitive and thought I was an HSP, but nope. As a child, I felt different. I couldn’t understand how a group of girls were able to play together with ease. I wanted to play with them but didn’t know how to. So then, I began to learn by observing and copying because I wanted to fit in. Masking and it became detrimental to my mental health. Professionals thought it’s anxiety / depression. I thought I was a very anxious person but nope…
I decided not to get into anymore relationships, romantic or friendship wise because it's difficult for me to keep the relationship sustainable.
Im deaf and i noticed my pattern is that once i dated and get in relationships. It lasted least a year then break up. But after beak up, i would stay single for few years. Longest i stayed as single was 10 years. Longest i ever been in relationship is least a year. Why its least a year. What the hell man. I hope I’m not only one.
Edit: I forgot to mention that im HFA and ADHD also.
Aww! I'm sorry to hear that! Good luck finding someone long term. I also have High functioning autism and adhd.
this video was so well done, thank u! i related so much with most if not all the topics you went through!
i've realized, some time ago, that i am affraid of relationships, especialy with people i havent known for long, or that arent close friends; and i know this stems from me wanting to avoid changes in my life after breakups and even before the relationship beginns...
i am quite ok with showing romantic love and part taking in relationships with friends, because they already know all of my "virtues and flaws", but at the same time i dont date them unless i know for sure that our "friendly routine" wont be too dammaged before, during and after the relationship- cause the people that i have ij my life are too preciouse for me to loose them
im also ok with just being with ppl for a shor period of time (when consented by both parties of course), like one night stands and making out, etc, cause that doesnt imply both of us to know profoundly one another
i dont know if any of this made sense but, i just wanted to share this with anyone who might understand...
I've never been in a relationship. Not even close. It's incredibly depressing
Absolutely brutal, I am the same. I am kissless, handholdless, hugless and virgin while most people my age are having all these sexual experiences and relationships.
@@geraldtherat618 that moment when you're playing "never have I ever" and you hope nobody notices you're not raising your hand for anything...
Please try to understand that everything will be ok. I was depressed and envious too and paid the price by pushing things. Take your time and focus on loving yourself. Cheers
Same
Same gonna miss out the 4th of July kiss 😆 🤣
I have a hard time making the first move. I have a hard time with intimacy. I want it but i am also afraid of it. I can’t explain why.
i didnt like any of my boyfriends before i started dating them tbh 😭😭😭😅😅but it was like, they had potential...
Is there anyone else with autism who for the longest time just had no desire to date but whose mind changed? I was content spectating romance for a long time to the extent that I tried to scare someone off on the second date. Fast forward a few months, and when I was informed that he no longer wanted to date me, I was devastated, as I thought that we were so good for each other and had a good future together. Connection has always been tough for me, and I bonded with him as I had with no one else, so the loss turned out to be far greater in its effect than I anticipated. He thought that we didn't balance each other out enough. He has autism as well.
I had been diagnosed before starting to date him but didn't receive word of the diagnosis until after the breakup.
I experience the honeymoon phase, but it seems the women I date do have the reverse honeymoon. Things go well for a few dates, they get the ick, they get bored, they leave. I don't know anything about relationships but I have a lot of dating experience lol.
I'm on the spectrum, didn't say that. Idk if I've ever dated a neurodivergent person.
I honestly feel this topic should be talked more frequently those who are on the spectrum who are feeling like giving up on dating
Someone dishonest w/ themselves or others may lead to multiple burnouts & shutdowns if u get along well with them /// the first person I dated I think would mask to try to be more palatable & likable for me and compatible to the relationship and I am rly grateful this vid helped me think abt that
Same here :/
I just went through a breakup of a relationship from over 3 and a half years and the first two days I did not stop crying at all and I was hoping she would come back. Then I learnt she was emotionally cheating and healed almost instantly? I know I’m not properly healed but I’m like ok it’s change either way
I get back with her and I can never trust her again
Or I move on and grow
So for me the choice is obvious and I feel empowered in that
But ppl seem to still expect me to be very sad and crying when after two days and finding that out I just feel done
This video is spot on for sure and has happened to me on many occasions being autistic in the dating world the most frustrating thing is when i am into a conversation over the course of a few days with someone and then all of a sudden it just stops and i feel like im doing something wrong by saying good morning everyday. I have been told i ask to many questions or that im hard to read. Dating is hard and i just want to feel accepted and not have to be deemed as unreadable
I think most people are judgemental and most likely won't give one the benefit of the doubt. One might have to be rejected thousands of times or be lucky and hit the jackpot sooner than later.
Hi I am undiagnosed autistic. Two months ago I met a girl who I liked a lot (she was from a wealthy Chinese family in the UK) who was autistic as well and had succeeded in her life. But I had to quit today with her, because she was narcissistic and only cared for her only gains, putting me down and saying I would die alone, then love-bomb me and making me feel miserable and upset. This is a sad heart-break because she was my first girl I thought I could trust and love, and thought I had that deep connection. She was too critical of me, blaming me for things to hurt me. I literally don't know what to do now and am lost...
@@christiansnaturestudio6599 ouch, am scared the youtuber on here will notice this
This idea that Autistics date is a new one to me. I have only dated twice.
Harder to date if you're a guy
Very true, so much harder when you are a guy, a lot of women communicate indirectly too, even neurotypical men struggle with it
Recently I just discovered that I probably have autism, I just never knew. There were some people who have asked me why I do things the way I do and how does it not bother me but, I've never thought it would be autism. Mainly bcs mental health is just stigmatized in my country and everybody assumes if you're autistic, you behave like a child. So I just assumed it's my personality and never thought much of it. But then recently I discovered some things online about autism and it resonates with me A LOT. It makes sense why I behave the way I do for the longest time I've remembered.
In terms of dating, yeah, I'm just very honest and to the point. The last time I liked someone, they started doing mind games and I just dipped. I'm not about to waste my energy, feelings, and time just to "go with the flow". Like just tell me if you see me that way, interested, or no interest. For the longest time I thought that was "normal". But then recently I started realizing that I might not be "normal" and analyzed my conversations with people and their behavior. I still don't really get it, but I think I'm starting to understand what people meant by someone "coming" at you. Funny thing is, I've asked my best friends and they all understand what that someone meant in an instant, while I'm still trying to understand what they truly meant and how my friends come to that conclusion.
It made me realize that I think some people have been "hinting" something at me, I just never understand/realize it bcs they never told me personally how they feel. At the same time, I really can't be bothered with it bcs I personally think if you like someone, just tell them as it is. No need to play, be shy and communicate with hints and all. Clear communication about it is just much better
The breakup part really puts into perspective why I handle interviews and deaths the way I do, honestly now that I got diagnosed, I feel like I could handle interviews better, but that feeling of loss shuts me down in the second situation 😅
Mam, I have classic autism, been diagnosed since I was 6 and I am currently 20 and never went on a date before. I just browsed some dating apps like hinge and tinder but I can’t seem to get any matches. I am not fat, not ugly just a little above average when it comes down to attractiveness. Is there any tips you can give me?
Get someone else to take photos and help you write your profile
Recently I met this person and I want to take my time to build that relationship right. Although we are not dating. I wanna build up and see where things can go before pursuing it.
Taking it slow and not rushing into a relationship. But I'll be prepared with all of this in mind. Because the girl I like is also on the spectrum like me.
Similar to the introverted video, I have a hard time relating with many of the points made here, though I do understand why the "introverted type" of Autistic person would. What actually lead me to the discovery of my Autismm, was observing the history of women I've dated. I've had at least 30 girlfriends, and sexual incounters with over 70 women, but only ever had 4 truly meaningful relationships. One that lasted 7 years and 3 that lasted 1 - 2 years each. While I have no real way to be sure, I'm relatively positive that all 4 of these women were Autistic.
As I have stated many times, and heard from many other Autistic people, we have a tendency to pick eachother out of crowds. When you're an Extroverted Autistic person, you tend to find more people like you, than most other Autistic people. While I'm aware it's possible for NT's and ND's to have healthy relationships, I doubt that would be a realistic possibility without the Autistic person being aware of their Autism and sharing it with their partner early in the relationship. Wheras I know by experience that two autistic people can have a very fuffilling relationship, without either of them knowing they are Autistic.
As for my advice to anyone that desires a fufilling and meaningful relationship, but cant' ever seem to make that connection? Seek out an Autistic person, and throw the "rules of dating" completely out the window. Those rules weren't made for us anyway. One of the most important of those rules to avoid is "moving too fast". Autistic people, that are comfortable being themselves with thier partner 100% (on both sides), will inevitbly blast through the "stages" of dating at 10x the speed of a NT couple. The NT's will gaslight you to no end of illogical reasoning, that there is something wrong with your relationship if things are moving that quickly.
So long as you AND your partner are comfortable with the speed in which your relationship is progressing? There is no such thing as "too quickly". Remember, EVERYTHINg is processed differently for us, and at a different speed, which isn't always slower than NT's.
Reverse Honeymoon: I don't get caught up in the lovey-dovey stuff right away. When I meet someone new, they aren't my lover right off the bat. We have to learn to love each other by dating. After some consistent time together, that love becomes a relationship. I think we get lost in the emotions and forget what we need to know about each other. What matters to us is going to make a relationship more meaningful and give it a stronger foundation than what flatters us all the time.
Vulnerability: I tend to be more serious, but I have a sense of humor. I also end up being more private, but I'm still open-minded. People reveal more about their lives to me than I do to them. They get comfortable with me because they know I'll take them seriously. That and I'll listen to them more than I talk. When it's my turn to share, it becomes too intense for them, too much to think about. This leaves me confused since they openly shared their experiences, but change their minds just as easily.
Breakups: I base my relationships in logic and emotion. This sensitivity and intimacy is important to balance for me. When they are unaligned, during a breakup too, it's a change that I feel and think can be fixed. Of course, I'm not here to control what people do or think. I have to remember, their choice is their own and I can only control what I can control.
Masking and burnout is like donning a human suit. Every day feels like a rehearsal. The more honest you can be, the more authentic you will be. Without staying true to your values and who you are, being with someone becomes a chore rather than a deeper experience. You can be different from each other and still learn from each other to strengthen your relationship. It all starts with honesty and communication.
I definitely practice Reverse Honeymoon. The more I dated the guy, the more I liked him and imagined a future with him. I was bummed when he didn't feel the same way about me.
this explains a lot tbh. i always wondered why the one "good ex bf" ive had was the only one i didnt spiral from after we broke up....i was literally in a post psychosis mania lmao. miss him.
Thanks!
The constant rejection that goes with dating just turns me off to dating in general. I am definitely neuroatypical, and getting rejected over and over again has a cumulative negative effect on me. That is why some men give up on dating entirely.
I just found your channel, thank you so much for creating so much informative content! Somehow most of your videos concern the exact questions i so often ask myself but cant seem to work through by myself, so thank you so so much
Sex is good I drunk a lot when I was younger but relationships are a complete different kettle of fish with me who has a mix of Asperger's/ASD and bipolar moments. I been good at making friends but struggle with connection with relationships. Can't feel like being around people all the time and need the space.
Ha, yes! I never understood this! I'm having amazing friendships even with guys but have never managed a romantic relationship because of the superficiality and lack of honestly. Why wait YEARS to address something that is upsetting?!??? It will definitely get worse over time! What good will it do to wait?! Ok, don't start it in the moment, take a breath, calm down, address it as unemotionally as possible, but in the end it comes to 2 possibilities: either you discuss it and come to understand how you can improve things, or it will build into resentment and in the end break the relationship. The whole idea of the begining of the relationship is to figure out if you're a good fit for eachother. It drives me nuts, how people expect you to get into a serious relationship without actually knowing eachother. How can you be intimate if you don't know the other person?! How can you become close if you don't share things?! So many times I'd share something about me, like this is a value for me, it's important and this is why, and the guy's response would be something on the lines of "why are you sharing this" and "you're too intense"! Well, idk, we've been dating for a couple of months and are supposedly working towards a long term relationship, doesn't it make sense to see if we're compatible on more serious issues than wine and dine choices?!??? Idk... I'll never understand this... Dating is even worse than job hunting. People want a serious relationship without actually sharing, but for me i just can't understand how that is even possible. You can't be long term seriously and remain at a superficial level. Makes no sense, you can't even depend on one another.
🌻Yas! One of the lost validating experiences I’ve ever had with a friend was when he told me,”Ah… I get it … you use openness and vulnerability as a currency.”
This really confirmed all the things I've felt I needed in relationships and that the people around me consistently do not understand. Thank you for helping me feel less alone and more understood.
I think I struggle with this when talking to someone and they do something that seems kind of iffy but it’s not mine to talk about (over using / misusing aave for example) and then i tend to ruminate and overthink to the point where I stop talking to them and I don’t know what to do about this because then it ends up being to late to say anything.
I really enjoy your content, but I wish that you didn't play music in the background.
I have autism and I've been in relationships.
I have autism, I have been a handful of dates but these never bloom into a real relationship
good 4 u
I also bring things up in the moment, and it is always with the mindset of making the relationship better and stronger. I realized in dating a narcissist that when I did this it almost always became a fight because it became about his insecurities and how he wasn’t good enough rather than how to support me and help our relationship. It makes me think about that quote about how my basic needs will always be too much for an emotionally unavailable person. It seems like dating another autistic person would be fulfilling because there would be compassion and understanding, a more personal understanding to the challenges I face.
Hey! I am so glad I stumbled upon your page. I am dating a friend of mine and I noticed the Anixety I had with him. He is high function autistic. I Was always worried he would leave me because of his reaction to me. I really love him and he says he loves me too I really want to learn more to build a beautiful life with him.
On gosh, so much this! I've just been through a breakup and am falling apart, signed off work with the resulting depression too. I'm feeling all the things you described with the change and the loss of the life I'd built with this person, etc.... Thank you for this video, I feel seen xx
for me dating people with autism also has been the most comfortable ive felt, however breakups after dating another one of your kind are nightmareish because you know that it will be near impossible to find that kind of connection again in a sea of neurotypicals
Thank you very much Irene! I resonated with this 100% and you just helped me realise my dating pattern(s). I always thought that I am doing something wrong, that I have too high standards, I am too intense, too much because I want to know everything already at the beginning. I don’t need small talk, empty/cliché dates, just someone with whom I can communicate openly and honestly, and they are understanding, open to talk about themselves.
Thankyou 🙏 this is me all over also! Ah! So insane! I thought it was just me... Thankyou for sharing. I feel less alone 💖
Thanks for the video, Irene! ☺ I traveled for work so maybe why I had one verrrryyy long-lasting relationship (space was the byproduct). 11:13 Probably the main reason at my age (59), I won't be dating anymore. I met an autist online and I think we were both mirroring trying to figure each other out. What a mess. On top of that, their addictions. I can't have addictions in my life as that's not showing up in organic truth. Now I value my inner 'spiritual closet' over outer validation and reciprocation. True authenticity and courage is hard to come by. If by fate, I click with someone in a true sense, separate living arrangements will remain. (Honestly, I was never made for relationships lol)
Hey Irene, thank you so much for this video. I didn't realize that what I was doing was due to my autism. Like you said, I come off as rather intense and need communication, often being told that I am very blunt and I hate playing those mind games where we are supposed to decide if we like each other or not. I rather just bluntly tell someone that I am interested in them, talk about things every step of the way but also notice that I end up obsessing over every little thing that has to do with the person I like, such as the conversations we have, their interest, ect.
On Break ups, they are physically painful since now I am supposed to change my whole routine that I build around this person.
Maybe if I wasn't so broken I'd have a better chance at getting into a relationship
I've had a honeymood/reverse honeymood combo in past relationships
Resonates so deep, thank you for this content, but it also depends on whether or not the other person is a neurotypical and yes I need honesty and vulnerability.
Watching this video truly did worth it. Thanks a bunch!
I am so glad for you and getting to hear you
Dating is non existant for me :....( Im turning 34 this year and my family is pressuring me to find someone and have kids and I havent even had a successful relationship yet alone having kids and marriage. :......((((
Non existent for me too. I turn 30 in February.
A lot of the things you've said are things I've been thinking for awhile, but it's been hard to come to terms with them or realize that there's nothing wrong with me being honest, intense, or different. Lately, videos like this one have been helping me realize I just need to clearly discover what it is I want, need, and who I am, rather than living in a way that suits the people around me. I've watched a lot of Orion Kelly and Autism from the Inside, but I don't think a video has very clearly put into words how I've been feeling about relationships until this one.
My roommates rescued me from a toxic household, but they have their own issues, and the way they approach the world and "advise" me to handle the world has been making me feel like there's something wrong with me.
Recently, I dated someone who I had all of these issues with: They fell very hard for me right away (whereas it took awhile for me to get into things), I put a mirror to a lot of their issues whilst approaching my own, -- and they reacted very poorly (thought most of our conversations were fights) and ultimately became very uncomfortable by me being as you described, intense, serious, "confrontational" and blunt. My roommates kind of swept in to offer her a life not having to face those issues: My roommates frequently compartmentalize their issues, aren't clear (or honest) in expressing how they feel, what they want, or why, -- and usually put problems and self-introspection aside, -- jumping from partner to partner, drinking alcohol, spending lots of money, or in general losing themselves in games, new obsessions and new distractions. In general, they've tried to impart those beliefs onto me, -- and are now imparting them onto the one I was dating, who quickly chose to date them and break up with me. The break up was really hard on me, -- I felt relieved that it was over, -- mostly because of how my ex handled the situation, their motivations for decision making, relationships and life, had made it clear to me that it wouldn't last. It still hurt though: And it wasn't because I missed them, it was because I had been vulnerable to them, opened myself up to compromise, talked about incredibly hard things, put a lot of effort into figuring out what they liked, developed new routines and practices, and started adjusting my schedule to be more accommodating in spending more time with them. My life just kind of got flipped around, -- I was really overwhelmed and this all threw me for a loop for at least two weeks. During those two weeks I had days of contemplating what my life was going to look like, what had changed, what I needed to do differently, and underwent a lot of introspection.
They all in general moved on pretty quickly: I don't mean to say they have no lingering feelings or thoughts from everything that happened, -- moreso it felt like they got back to living life pretty easily after only a day or two, -- and that made me feel like there was something wrong with me, -- especially since my ex had thrown worries out that I was condependant, that I she wouldn't be able to live a normal life with me (one example she made was that she was worried about what "would happen" if she wanted me to make a phone call for her, -- as if I can't make a phone call), and that my roommates apparently thought I was a bad choice for her. In general, they all made me feel like I'm defective.
I've done my best to try to understand them, ask why they believe the things they do, challenge ideas (including my own), and in general find a way to be accommodating, open and compromise: but videos like this one have helped me realize that there's nothing wrong with me being autistic, that I'm not alone in my struggles, and that there are others out there that I can have a beautiful, healthy and honest connection with, -- and that it will just take me clearly figuring out what I want, need, how to communicate that to someone else, and how to stand up for myself more quickly when I know a relationship won't work, or that they're making me feel like I am defective.
I hope that anyone reading this gets something positive out of it, and thank you so much for this video, it's helped me a lot.
let me tell u, as someone who just left a 6 year relationship, longevity does mean a lack of problems. infact promlems drag unhealthy relationships out more than anything, and mutual unhealthiness can make you hold onto something that isnt working simply bc of how much you care for eachother, even if you can see its not working
On the break ups- throw rejection sensitive dysphoria into consideration also.
Step one: find a date
Definitely also have provided/needed to create that vulnerable space. Both within romantic relationships and in platonic ones. It’s an amazing strength, but has scared some people away, haha
I've never watch a video I related to so much before. I finally feel seen
I have a partner that is autistic right now we are 19 years old but I have struggles with understanding my partner and I’m not sure how can I be able to maintain the relationship since I really like my partner and I’m trying to understand it’s issues but I need help on what do I need to do with the sensory contact 🥺
Thank you so much. Watching this really helped me gain perspective on my life and my needs and feel greater compassion for myself and others ✨️ 🙏🏽 🖤
Smooth, is something I only experience in relationships after being a long time in them haha
OMG I got through the reverse honeymoon phase 😭
its so relatable! thank u for it! i always felt like a goofy thing in relationships and so intense.
it always felt to me like i was doing the work for 2. now I understand part of the things through autism lens and making little steps to accept me and my way of love
I love the final part.
This part clarified to me why i am so disappointed with a lot of my relationships.
Honesty is a hard trait to find now days... i feel that even my parents can't be honest and this has been the source of a lot of conflict.
Great video, thanks for sharing your experience.
No one enjoys getting rejected nor going through the process of "moving on".
This opened my eyes so much to my own tendencies and helped me understand some things about myself that I was struggling with. Thank you so much!
Me too! I’m 20 and autistic and whose new to dating, which I’m in a relationship right now
this is extremely validating. all of this. thank you so much for this. 🙏
This video really enlightened me as to why I connected so much with my previous - and current - girlfriend. I really got closer to them because they could cut to the heart of the truth.
Thanks for this video, as I have not had a romantic relationship since 1997.
Your videos are full of wisdom, you’re so well spoken🌸🩷
Thank you for these videos
So everything you are saying. Me 100% like everything. Same lived experiences in regards to how the progression of emotional bonding occurs.
What I would say is that, for better or worse where we are as a society currently is that the social norms are still updating. For those of us who are ASD I do highly recommend learning about framing of rhetoric. Not because we should change the message of what we are trying to get across, but more so that we can take the edge off of what we say and how we communicate. It would be nice if we didn't have to do that to just exist, but sadly we are not there yet. At the moment that is the compromise. It took me a long time to be ok setting boundaries and expectations without just compartmentalized and pushing it all down till eventually I would have a breakdown. Then that breakdown would be a constant source of anxiety as though I were always trying to make up for the fact that I had an emotional overload.
Thank you for speaking out on these things because you do it very well. It allows people like myself who sometimes find it difficult to verbalize feelings to be able to do so with ways of thinking that didn't occur onitially.
It's hard to fully accommodate with everyone when it comes to dating. Ive been meeting women from multicultural backgrounds and goals and ideas. I grow up in the Boston area BTW. It can hard to find compatible partners if you are living in a extremely diverse urban areas like NYC or LA.
My ex girlfriend (autistic) only told me that she had been masking during our relationship when we broke up. I was very hurt by it because Im also a high masker (adhd) but only around people idk very well… I don’t think it was personal though, I think I’m an honest person in general. thank you for this video, it helps me understand her a little bit more.