Every. single. conversation. We cannot resolve anything ever. She cannot stay on point, and then tells me it's ME who "why do you want to bring this negativity up all the time..." . All of this when she's the one starting the conflict. It feels like I'm being tested all the time like there's a riddle I need to figure out.
Leave! You will waste your mental. Dealt with that earlier this year, broke up with her. Conversations never went anywhere. You can have solid proof and they'll lie that away. Totally toxic, then they'll come up with the most silliest thing. Good luck.
This sound so familiar. It won't change. They shut you off. They cut you off. They walk away. They act like they know what your saying and never let you explain your point. You think "if only they could hear me. Listen to what I am saying". In the middle of all of this watch them step outside of themselves and watch the drama. Look for the smirk. They truly are wicked. They create the drama and pretend to be the victims. It. Only. Gets. Worse. It never gets better. No matter how hard it may be walk away. Afterward you will wonder why you stayed and took so much of it when it was so simple to just walk away. Twenty-one years of bullshit. It took me 21 years! They make you feel they are unreplaceable. As hard as it is to accept I can tell you with certainty. She doesn't love you and has already in the wings one or two potential replacements. Walk away, dude and leave that mess behind you. Then start building up yourself. Let in better people. People who are kind. My CPtsd is so strong, 11 months later I'm still trying to repair that.
This is exactly what I've been through aswell, I fell for it at the end end and started snapping and losing it my head felt like it was going to explode, these people are lunatics and drive you absolutely crazy. And you are right the smirk..these people are evil harsh but true x
I've apologized for things I didn't do more than I can count. Confront a narc and be prepared for some Grade A gaslighting with a lot of word salad. If that doesn't work, DARVO.
I was a victim of this. It’s mental and emotional abuse. This is why I went no contact for good this time. Malignant narcissist are extremely dangerous, I know firsthand. Great video, thank you!
Keep repeating yourself in a calm but firm way, stay in your train of thought and don’t let anyone pull you off track or knock you off balance Stay focused by staying grounded validate your own reality👌 They are angry but in denial You know they are angry, give yourself permission to know what you know. Listen to your reality trust your perception Trust yourself 👍 Stay true to you Honour the truth Observe don’t absorb Trust your perception TY Michelle 💥🎯
I have no idea how many times I've said I'm trying to understand whats going on. He will tell me to stop, stop, stop and all I keep saying is I didn't do anything wrong! Yes, he will say I'm yelling and the kids are there, but hes the one yelling! 😄
This is so so true!!!! I cannot believe how spot on this really is. I fell for it massively I snapped at the end, he messed my head up so much over 4 years i just couldnt take anymore. I had no clue about narcassists or darvo, I knew something was very very wrong but I had no clue it was abuse x
Most of us don't. They didn't teach it in school. In fact we get taught that everyone is the same and that is not true. It leaves us wondering how someone like us can be that way and surely they can be helped or change when that is not the case at all. Their emotional vampires feeding off of us
My mother was an expert at DARVO. She would insult me and my kids (her grandkids), and when I called her out on it and said it hurt my feelings so I'm leaving, she would become a weepy mess, and say she hadn't said it, and that I was killing her by doing this. I would end up crying and apologizing
Mary North - I have exactly the same dynamic with my mother!! Last Thanksgiving, with extended family in the room while I'm helping chop vegetables for the dinner the next day, she picked that moment to just try to provoke me, completely out of the blue. In a quick series of "jabs", she put down my 25 year old daughter (the grandchild who spends the most time with her), mocked my coffee (yep, I made the mistake of picking up a latte on my morning walk) and then interrupted me when I tried to ignore that comment and started describing the cute little coffee shop my husband & I had found. We'd had a very nice conversation with the owner about his accent, which we couldn't place, so we asked if he minded telling us where he was from because his accent was so unique. Mom blurts out, "Well I think that's just rude to ask someone where they're from if they don't want to tell you. If they wanted you to know they'd tell you." Seriously.She'd clearly just been looking for chance to criticize me rather than paying attention to what I was describing, which was a very pleasant and interesting conversation with a kind, interesting gentleman. My teenaged niece even muttered under her breath, "Dang, Mimi. . ." because her hostility was over the top. I'd begun listening to Michele's videos and some other good sources months before, so I was better prepared to not react to Mom this time, but I was still shocked to be able to so clearly identify her abusive tactics. I'm over 50, and this has been going on my entire life. For some reason, it had finally dawned on me earlier last year that I have many good friends, a wonderful husband and 2 grown kids and, while I'm not perfect at all, I don't experience guilt, confusion and constant feelings of inadequacy in any of those relationships. It's only with Mom & my older brother, who has been an abusive bully his whole life. The "Thanksgiving debacle" was like a huge light bulb and gong going off in my head: "Yep, there it is. You're having a good time in the kitchen with your nieces, younger brother and sister in law, and she needs to shame you." Thank God I had a little guidance and didn't react. I wasn't able to fully respond by telling her I wasn't going to have a disrespectful conversation with her, but that we could talk later after she had calmed down, either. I just wasn't prepared to say anything, so I stopped talking. The other people in the room picked up the conversation as if Mom hadn't just been a complete shrew (also part of the dynamic: you just carry on as if the abusive conduct didn't happen and hope it goes away) I finished my kitchen work after a few more minutes, put the utensils and veggies away, and left the room with my coffee. I avoided her for the rest of the day. She later tried to apologize to me (in private, of course, no audience this time). She said she was sorry for making me mad (not for what she'd done, but for what she thought my reaction was). That was when I was finally able to use what I'd learned. I told her very calmly that she hadn't made me mad, that I understood from her comments that she has a very low opinion of me and my family (she didn't deny this at all), that I disagree with her opinion but she has a right to it. This completely shut her down. It was like it didn't compute. I'll always believe she came looking fornthe rest of her narcissistic supply, because in the past, we'd have had a long, serious conversation that would end with me apologizing for something, just like Michele describes here. Instead, she tasted literally backing away from me while I was saying, in a very calm, low voice that she was entitled to her low opinion of me and my family. She said she was tired and had a headache and walked off. Poof - evil, narcissistic dragon slayed forever! She has never, ever tried that garbage with me again. One boundary I established after that trip was that I will never again be her guest at an event that includes my older brother, because they are a predictably toxic combination, truly malignant. I can't believe I survived growing up in that hellish environment and that it took so long to see it as the abusive circus it is. I hope you're able to find the peace and wholeness that comes after the incredible pain of realizing your mother isn't truly capable of seeing you and truly loving you for the individual you are. It's so hard to re-learn how to exist in that relationship, if you decide to maintain contact at all. Blessings and peace to you on your journey.
Be aware that with parents there is the possibility of underlying medical conditions that manifest as personality disorders. UTIs, vitamin B12 deficiency, early onset dementia, minor strokes etc. Best thing is not to react and remove yourself if you might. Seek medical attention if the behaviour appears new or unexpected
@@nyanning4090 no thank you! I've dealt with enough psychos on medicine in my life and I dont need to jump on the "give them medicine and it will be alright" bandwagon anymore.
Great way of putting it! I love the description of that being "respond don't react." But I don't think that has to be done 100% of the time before the bitter end. (FWIW---This is when you find out who they REALLY ARE, just in case you were doubting it and still in denial and we all to some extent if we're still around... This was a crucial final block to my escape of the increasing mistreatment of those people)
Michele looks stunning 😍 I love all your contents & delivery style. I am healed already so I dont watch this content anymore. I just want to express my appreciation for Michele. Thank you!
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" "WATCH OUT THEY WILL JUDGE YOU?" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?" DON'T BE PARANOID?" "CAREFUL, THE MESSENGER OF BAD NEWS WILL BE PUNISHED?" ( KINDA THREAT) "I WAS REALLY HURT" ME: KEEPING SILENT.............REFLECTING.........ME : SOMETHING IS WRONG. to avoid conflict but didn't appologize. ;) NOW YOU NAME IT: D.A.R.V.O.
This happened to me at my last job and I had to leave cause it was making me physically ill , I of course left looking like I was the problem * update : someone else reported her
Same, I did report her but the guy just looked down at his writing pad and widened his eyes as if I was nuts. She had him round her little finger. I reported her a year later to someone higher who also thought I was lying until I asked do you have a higher turnover of staff upstairs compared to downstairs, and a light went on
@@user-us7vw3yq8p Very relatable. Mostly these types will even get promoted after some issues occurred and were reported It's like some evil magic rewards them. Probably they all bond and cooperate. Manipulators.
I believe you as this has been happening to me. I have reason to believe that the narc in my life is also using abuse by proxy in order to mess with my employment.
It’s like stepping into a tornado!! No matter HOW careful you are to let the other person bring up topics, they’ll say you brought it up first and on recall of a convo they’ll totally twist all the details!!
Now, when my dad insults or minimizes me in a joking manner in front of family~ I'm going to laugh my ass off 🤣😂 and when I'm done, I'll look at him and say, "I see you." 😏
D.A.R.V.O. I wish someone had sent me this video - or ACRONYM - before today. I had never heard of this term till today. Yet it happened to me a million times over with my ex. Had I seen an explicit video detailing this DARVO procedure, I would have gotten over my doubt about his being a narcissist much sooner. When we are thus gaslighted and confusion follows, it’s called COGNITIVE DISSONANCE. I’d have recovered from cognitive dissonance sooner.
Your video is so spot on. Two days ago I phoned my (toxic abusive) Mother & I called her out for validating her mothers horrible behavior (my toxic abusive grandmother is 93, I've been her live in caregiver for over 3 years - but not for much longer!) towards me and she told me -MY- perception is all wrong. She yelled at me that -I- wasn't being abused by anyone but that -I- was the one being abusive (she tried telling me -I- was abusive because I once rolled my eyes at their crappy behavior 🙄). I told her I didn't need to listen to her nonsense and that I would resolve the issue myself by moving away and moving on from them. It freaked her out that I made up my mind to protect MYSELF and not be intimidated by her bullying and blaming me. I've just discovered how freeing it is to take care of my own wellbeing ❤🤗 instead of everyone elses! Wish I'd done that a long time ago!
I'd call this the "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Stupid phenomenon" back in the days, hated those parts the most, it were those parts that meant, sleeping in the car (when my dad did it) or to apologise for getting angry after he (my ex) played bop it with my triggers "okay honey I'm sorry for getting angry at you when you called me a fat idiot and then laughed at me when I cried"
YES! There's this thing in the air and they don't tell you and you're left to figure it out! As a child this was me with my father. I was left to figure it out and I always came up with "it's my fault." This really abused me as a child....
Love it. Everyone should know darvo. Step 2 learn observe don't absorb technic , Ross Rosenberg, m.a. . dont defend yourself they are trying to put the problem on you and excaping accountability. For their bad actions. Keep it in your head. The more you do it the quicker you get to catching it at the time it happens.
A 30 second mention from me, no matter how respectful would result in a 3 hour argument!! I would be mentally and physically exhausted from it. This abuse is disgusting.
That's exactly how my past relationship of 7 years was. If I had any problem, she'd flip it on me with some weird technique. Broke up in late 2020, got into another relationship in October 2021 and this one too is a bit problematic. If I have any problem with her behaviour, she flips it on me that why do I bother about such things so much? I ask her how her day at work was, she tries to speak the least about it and then keeps quite. But if topic is changed, she's fully involved in the conversation.
If you do what they don't like, they'll leave/silent treat. If you call them out on that same behavior, they will again devalue and leave. There is no healthy path forward. Accept their brokenness. Choose to have healthy people in your life. Recognize they aren't one. And the rest will fall into place.
Brilliant.....Ive been listening to you for along time, your one of my favorite, you clearly understand & very clued in to these Narcissist tactics. I stopped watching so many Narcissist youtubes & spending so much time focusing on the Narcissist/s in my life. But I have found their behaviors ( which is mostly pretend to be warm & caring, then start their isults, start arguments from insulting me then go into the ignoring phase which may last for wks or months, probably now up till Christmas as they know I will have to make some form of communication......My Mother is a covert malignant Narcissist, my sister is just a Narcissist who hasnt visited me ever in her life. I was away living in another city for years & then was in the Military for 6 more years so not counting these years. Since I returned closer to my home town & bought a home near my sisters best friend, practically within walking distance & dispite me visiting her numerous times I lost count & built her young son a chicken coup & cubby house, nope still no visit. I never mentioned anything. Everyone asks me who know me well, Im the one in the family who was the scapegoat kid, often abused physical & mentally, by my father, and totally negected emotionally. He would often call me a mummy's boy, I was but my mother was rarely home. I looked up to my mother though she was never hardly home. I stayed with my grandmother mostly, she was lovely but I realise now she was not mentally well, she suffered depression & my grandfather was very domineering over her. I left home at a early age, It was only later in life did I move back closer. Im not married & have no children so this has opened me up for suspicion about my sexuality. I know how they feel about gay people & sure this must be the reasons why Im never visisted, ignored by my sister. And now my mothers true colours favouritism towards my sister with children & shows little regard or respect to me, despite the fact I have invested literally hundreds of thousands of $$$ into two properties ( when I trusted my mother) that are in my mothers name. Now I see the full blown covert malignant Narcissistic behaviors in both my Mother & sister who treat & blame me appallingly. I feel abused Used up & now being discarded like a piece of garbage......The mental anguish they causing me is aweful. The lies manipulating & cruel things they do has to be seen to be believed. Anyway you described them perfectly again in this vid. This never goes away the damage these Narcissist do. I will get some help again now that these emotions are coming back again. My father the abuser died years back now, i forgot to mention he & my grandmother had died when i was iin the military..
Take back your life, get those properties back into your name, sell them and treat yourself well...without any negative conscience...help ppl who need your help. Dont let ppl who dont care about you rent any space in your head, often they are called relatives. We are born into families that we dont get to choose, find another family of friends, less headache and heartbreak...you're welcome. No charge..😊❤
Thank you Michelle! I’m a 22 year old female no family or friends left the narcissm killed me and gave me fog it’s everywhere and I always get hurt because I’m an empath
You’re too young, I needed help when I was your age but my mom didn’t listen. I went on to recreate my childhood abuse in my adulthood! By the time I was 29 I was so sick, physically I couldn’t even eat a lot of things! My body was sick and tired I thought I was going to die. Please don’t be me. Keep listening to Michelle and others like her. You will be better & unlike me will not attract bad. Do breathing exercises and get some adaptogenic herbs, my favorites is maca, ashwsghndha, pasley and today I started astragalus. Listen to affirmations, exercise & you can even dance not necessarily workouts. I wish you well and great life ahead.
I just noticed today, after being out 2 years from my 10 year marriage that he does this every damn time. He did it again today. I was like, wow, that's textbook.
I continue to look for honest advice and feedback from other’s who have experienced something similar. I am struggling on the path forward and would love to hear from others. Long story short, for almost 18 years, I have been married to someone who has narcissistic traits. Our marriage has been struggling for a few years now; about 2 months ago we attended our 19th marriage counseling session together. At that session I told my wife that somehow our marriage needs to drastically get better quickly, or I feel we need pull the plug and end our marriage since we have been going to marriage counseling for far longer than we probably should have been going; and not much, if anything, improved. Part of me was hopeful that this was going to be the warning shot and my wife would finally hear me; that she would finally understand that I am done with the narcissistic type of behavior, done with the mean comments, the high level of control, and being made out to feel like I am never doing the right thing, never doing it quickly enough, etc. Unfortunately, the few weeks after that counselling sessions things did not improve, they actually seemed worse. For example, one morning I started her car so it was warm for her when she left for work (which I do for her quite often). I wasn’t looking for a pat on the back, but she very rudely said “oh, thank you so much for everything you do”. One day I went and bought a snow shovel and salted and cleaned the ice from the sidewalk. Instead of getting any type of thanks or appreciation, she told me that it is so interesting that I had time to go to Dollar General (which is about 3 miles from our house) and buy a new shovel and salt. I got criticized for doing laundry and putting in on ‘her side’ of the bed and not having it moved off of the bed so she could lay down at night without having to touch laundry. I got criticized for having the space heater on in the living room. I got criticized for eating all the lasagna; when in fact I put it in a Tupperware container so she could take it in her lunch. I got questioned on going for a walk along the river. It was just relentless verbal attacks. By no means am I a perfect husband, I am far from it, and I have made plenty of mistakes, but I have always tried to be loving and supportive and take care of her and our kids. I have dealt with this type of narcissistic behavior for a very long time. Just another example, I recently learned why I was in severe pain for a couple of days this past summer; I was passing a 6mm kidney stone. While I was in pain, I got in a hot bath to try and alleviate some of the pain. I recall vividly her making a mean comment that I was in the bath while she was doing something for the kids. I have agonized over the decision for many months, and probably years now, but about 5 weeks ago I asked for divorce and have been moved out since that time. She said it wasn’t fair and that I blindsided her, even though we have attended those 19 marriage counseling sessions together; I reluctantly agreed to separation for now. For the last five weeks, I have been buried in loving texts, pictures of our kids and of some fun memories in the past, she sent me the wedding song that we danced too, she has been sending me quotes from the bible, she asked that I listen to various books on making marriages work, etc; she asked that I meet with our Deacon at church and attend a church marriage weekend retreat. She has buried me in a variety of, what I would consider ‘tactics’, to try and get me back home; she has thrown our vows in my face multiple times and said that I am destroying the kids by moving out. I have been holding strong and have not caved by moving back in; recently she has been all over the board with her comments and emotions. Seems silly talking about, but we own a car and a truck. For the last 5 weeks I have drove the truck and she has had the car. Roughly a week ago she said she wants the truck, which is no problem, but I asked her why; she said she doesn’t need to answer why, she just wants it. She said she plans on keeping the truck for a few weeks since its not fair that I got to drive it for a few weeks (I don’t know the intentions of this, other than some form of power play, or maybe knowing if she has the truck, I won’t be able to use it to do things I enjoy). She also seems to be getting controlling with the kids; she told me that I am the one who decided to leave them, so its not fair for me to ever get both of our kids overnight while she is alone, since she didn’t decide to leave. I reminded her that I didn’t leave the kids, that I only left her. Shortly after making these types of comments, she follows up with a load of very nice loving texts. This is all extremely hard for me, because she occasionally acts nice and says she is willing to try and change, but seems all over the place with her comments and emotions; I’m afraid I will fall back into the trap. Over the last few days she has attempted to be nice, although almost to the point of smothering because I have asked for time and space, but she seems to refuse to give that to me. Here recently she has been very frequently saying “I Love You”; almost over using the words. She has made multiple attempts to try and be affectionate, which in a normal circumstance would be fine, but not after we are separated. I worry greatly about our kids, I feel she is subjecting them to a ton of sadness and possibly emotional manipulation, with the intentions being of playing the victim card in front of the kids and trying to make them feel bad for her and make me out to look like the bad guy (she told me she is always crying in front of the kids…and even yesterday when I saw her she cried multiple times in front of the kids). Even though I asked for divorce, I still do not wish her unhappiness; I just want everyone to get along and be nice and supportive with everyone. To make matters even more frustrating, recently she told me she was offered a job in Michigan (about 5 hours from where we currently live in Ohio). I am settled here in Ohio now, have a good job here, etc. I am happy for her that she was offered the job, I know that is more what she wants to do versus her current job, so that part makes me happy; but come on, wanting to relocate now while we are separated. I feel like she is doing everything she can to try and make things difficult for me, especially with our 2 kids. It’s just very inconsistent, it can change by the day, or even by the hour; sometimes she is sweet and nice, then there are plenty of moments of comments and actions that just aren’t nice. I’m struggling on the path forward, so any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.
You said it yourself; you are worried you’ll fall back into her trap. I hope you have figured out her playbook and are working to heal yourself and have a great relationship with your kids. Care less what the optics are to the rest of the world, or her flying monkeys, just be the example to your kids of having the courage to do the right thing. The truth always comes out. Stay the course.
WOW! Thank you. It has a name! Oh yes, it's my fault that her knuckles hurt after she's used me as an emotional punching bag. I should feel awful for defending myself.
MY DAUGHTER JUST DID THIS TO ME TODAY AS I WAS CALLING ON HER STUFF.....SHE DOES THIS ALL THE TIME TO ME!! TURNING IT BACK ON ME!! BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME...I JUST DUMPED HER BACK ON HER!!! I HAVE PUT UP WITH HER NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOR FOR 30 + YEARS....AND TODAY I TOOK BACK MY POWER!! I FINALLY LOVE ME MORE THAN I CARE ABOUT IF SHE LOVES ME....BECAUSE I KNOW SHE IS UNABLE TO LOVE.
You have said all that I went through when I was in a relationship with a NARCISSIST. Great video . And yes he was putting all the blame on me .Thank god I finally went NO CONTACT and left .he was even trying to make me feel am crazy and need treatment whenever I pointed out something I found strange .🙄🤷♀️
Same here. It's the last thing I wanted to do with my closest male friend on this side of the country and an ex-girlfriend. But NO CONTACT was the only way out and IS the only way out. (I might miss the good things about the relations, this wasn't worth paying the price even as sporadic as it could be.. this is during the good times that aren't so bad or whatever)
Michele! Thank you for these words of wisdom. I fell hard for this dorvo thing. Attempting to make someone else to see this only seemed to make them feel yes I'm the problem. Most of the the time it turns realalty upside down and I blew it off only to deal with a backlash. It could drive you insane. Thank you so much for putting this out there! So many people or so stuck with this. It's not easy to talk about. I appreciate you so much. I can't thank you enough for how much you have helped me.
Very Helpful Video. Thank you! God Bless You! My wife does this ALL THE TIME -- she, always, twists everything and accuses me for trying to attack her! On the contrary, she attacks me for everything I say. It seems she is on a constant battle to be "better than me" -- in order to accomplish that, she puts me down (so that "she" is the better one)!
I forgot all about the broken record technique that I got from the "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" book. I use it enough but not nearly enough. Thanks for reminding me this at the end of the video! I googled "DARVO don't fall for it" and your video showed up and it was better than I expected. Not that I underestimated you. Even with good material, something is just going to the next level in supporting my decision not to fall for it and to stick with it and it gives me future ways to deal with this potential future problem some people in my life who I've already distanced myself from
There was a trigger in this message for me. Not always, but usually when someone asks me what's wrong at a time that I'm actually feeling happy. I jumped to the conclusion that they are projecting negativity on to me because I'm happy at the moment. Then I withdraw and realize misery really does love company.
Oh dear This happened to me… I brought up the fact he was so quiet on the way to ice cream. He lost It. Rage 😡 spitting, finger in my face screaming at the top of his lungs all while we are in the car driving. I was scared out of my mind and I begged him to let me out Of the car. I thought he’d hit me… he finally let me out and I walked home 😔
True to word no contact 3 months he literally turned on me after the death of his live in mother I was a pillar of love 4 him threw it all he said to me u know the $$$ I was saving for our wedding it's gone on funeral no plan nothing ....he is a cold loser sorry she had burial insurance so then he told me keep my apt and hell live with his 50+ brother .....so I told him bye dont return but what a devaluation wow.....he also never cried not once at 2 funerals very telling ....thanks Michelle Happy New Year🥰😇🤗❤
8:04 - your description of "being in quicksand" is so accurate. With my ex, I told him several times in (attempting) to work out an issue that it's hard for me to address the original problem when it feels like I'm being "buried under layers and mountains of words" and that it felt truly suffocating and hopeless to work it out with him. You're so right - there is no reasoning or proving your point with malignant narcissists. Thank you for this video - it's certainly helped provide some validation for what I thankfully survived. Pro tip: go no contact with these types if you can. The trusting your own intuition is difficult and absolutely key to surviving this. Do your best to not to get knocked down by these manipulators.
Great video. Enormous topic. Thank you. Mde… Tons of memories arise… It feels like a trap, and exactly as a quick sand that sucks you in deeper and deeper and holds. Of course my narc parents masters of DARVO, that role reversal, projection -introjection defense/offence mechanism. Multi layered stuff. And get stuck there all the time. Do start explain myself, or get angry, confused, ashamed, guilty and so on. Horrible staff. That seems also relates to gas lighting. And somehow they all the time good and nice and descend people for abusing me overtly/covertly on the side of truth and order, peace light and law, I contrary end up as a bad guy. Often add to the mixture enablers and flying monkey who take their side, and say yes yes they are right you are wrong and praise them. So as result punished end up I, they got praise and support. Just mind blowing. And try to prove them wrong - exactly quicksand, drown there they do not even try to be logical reasonable, consistent.(deny, deflect, ignore, omit, twist, turn) And there goes pity ploys, you should help us now - you offend him/her - guilty!!!!.If guilty - then You should fix, heal, compensate, emotionally regulate, please, submit etc.. Such a mess. Huge problem personally to me. And that situations-patterns keep reacquire. Just horrible, just recently got one the same pattern. Person abuse me openly, cynically, abuse covertly - but instead of shaming that person people around to whom I appeal what is going on - praise her and bash me. Just get pissed off. Like nether that person do not see how bad and cynically she treats me hither her enablers at work got some minimum wage lousy pretty hard job - and that person supposedly teach me how to operate some stuff and just have fun on me how I first time seeing that do not know how to use that thing? Like something so obvious that everyone knows. And she do not bother to apologize or regret, just barrage of such stuff all day, like why I do not look at some paper - there is written that some obscure item is missing she in condescending tone, how she is disappointed in me aggressively poke a hole in me - reply that first of all that do not aware of existence of some obscure list that seems only she has, and no one told me that exist and I should read it. She do not care that she do not teach me about it and it is not my job for real, but she already so disappointed in me frustrated how stupid and clumsy I am do not understand such a simple thing that somewhere on her table where I do not even go exist some Excel print out that some item is missing. And she do not realize that she is unreasonable. That such demands and claims of her and her attitude and tone of voice is aggressive and stupid and offensive very impolite. And such idiotic jabs all the time, and she supposedly do all in the name of prosperity of company her intentions are all fine and good - but I am idiot who should be treated like some 5 year old by strict teacher, and if I get angry in return - god have mercy on me. All the hounds of hell will be unleashed. After all that day being jabbed like that she like seem soon will be teaching me how to tie shoes, she just obsessed with pedantic rules and perfectionism of some weird sort - and base on it all her abuse not only to me. I do ask to some coworkers what da F is going on? Hoping on some emotional support - because I was already starting to lose my temper, instead of support do hear from female coworkers that she is best such a great professional, knows so much, and doing everything right - I was baited and jabbed in front of their eyes. On my question what exactly she knows so well do not get any answer (because I do not see something special she is doing quite primitive tasks and job, and lousy teacher who “teach” newbies like me her lessons feels more like abuse and humiliation ), and get even some aggressive remarks and innuendos from these people. So number of people reaction after I ask them what is going on piss me off even more plus to what experience form her directly. Reminds and triggers so hard my past wounds from childhood where similar patterns some control freak/s by appealing to lofty ideals, rules and laws and some orders - abuses covertly and overtly, acts superior and condescending and bunch of enablers praise and applaud to that crazy circus. And I feel myself stuck, do not know what to do ether comply became slave, or rebel and fight back - and they of course will start smear campaign and will fire me. Kind of lose-lose situation. Fell myself pissed off and stuck, do not know what to do, how to react, how to maintain sanity. How to heal and protect myself?
This video sadly brings back so many hurtful memories to me as regards my family. U try to have a normal conversation with them and they turn it around and make u feel like the villain. My younger brother who I believe is very high on the narcissistic spectrum behaved so shoddily towards me after the death of Mum. U wud think that after such an horrendous ordeal that ur family wud show nothing but compassion and kindness towards u. Instead this guy invalidated my grief completely and when I called him out on it he accused me of not being there for Mum when she was dying.
You were the scapegoat and your brother thinks you were supposed to be there so your mom could dump on you before she passed away so that way she didn't have any negative emotions before dying. This is a possible hypothesis of his thinking. If this is correct he will gaslight and become angry with you. If it is incorrect he will ignore it or dismiss it. Understand this emotional pattern so the darkness can become light.
@@SilentTrip They are horrendous people, they make u feel bad for grieving, my sister said to me that because I grieve my Mother's death that therefore I am obsessed with death?!
Great video for those on their way to no contact. For those watching this video who experienced DARVO from a parent as a child, time to look up your videos on NAS! ❤️😊
Hi, I just found out about DARVO through a podcast not realizing you uploaded the video 3 months ago. I didn’t know you 3 months ago, but that’s besides the point. I learned what it is and that’s important! Thank you 😊🥰
Wow.. Had I known that in January. I jusked asked what was wrong and wanted to talk to him. In the end, he was yelling at me I had a problem and I always wanted to fight. Now I understand. Thank you so much Michele 💪🏻 Now that I understand, I can let this in the past.
I find exaggeration in many situations as well. It’s like a child who was scared but not hurt saying they have an injury upon their first reaction. So because they have a deep seated fear, been scared shows up often in situations they can’t control.
Thank you I do like the the broken record technique. I have some individuals at work who seem to use D.A.R.V.O. I'll also be trust and validate my own perspective
Thank you for the info video. I've been the victim of a malignant narcissist , but didn't know what it was until I stumbled on some TH-cam videos by accident. I found out my homosexual boss manufactured a crisis to get an audience with my 80 year old mother. In her words she was the only one in the room on my side. This was 10 years ago. I don't know what the crisis was. I don't know what he told her to insure she kept her mouth shut. The only way I found out was I asked her if she was involved in some crap at my work. I had been hearing all kinds of terrible things from every new supervisor. I'm a rock star at my job. This sicko has been making sexual advances to me since I met him. I never told anyone. I always figured he wasn't much cause for concern because I could go above his head. So much more I don't have the time to type it all out. This guy is dangerous. I'm so mad at my family for falling for it and for keeping it from me. Almost like they are playing along with his narrative that something is wrong with me or something like that. I haven't spoken to my mom since last May when I found out. I feel completely betrayed by her. I'm just taking it one day at a time. But I soo appreciate your knowledge. Thanks!
It happened to me with an rather good patient of mine.. He wanted a second treatment, so he called... Then after hanging up i felt this strange thing in the air, and i felt as if i was the one who had to beg him for sometime with his precious, charming self(reverse), so when i gave him the answer of what time suited me... He answered me I can t go out of the house, maybe another time... As if I would be asking him.... Hello? You called me on the first place... I felt a bit shame, a bit bitter, a bit hurt, a bit confused...so i simply bocked this 'darling patient'... Now he will have to practice his narcissism and phoniness somewhere else...
Thank you for this DARVO revelation. Now, my experiences with narkies are beginning to make sense. I wonder if there’s an effective counter strategy against this evil technique.
20/20 on ID story I saw recently on the Markel murder and the Extended relatives really smacks of another narc hive murder. The murdered man’s children even had his last name removed and his parents lost all contact with their grandchildren
I just wish people knew the true face of these sort of people. I’ve been through this and tried with every part of me to help them but in the end she was violent and I had to somehow apologise because she gave me 28 stitches. She constantly flipped and was in a bad mood and I was punished in return. She then said what you’ve just said and tried to say she was a peaceful person. These people are sick. All I can say is run and keep running.
My ex did this and it was horrible. I saw his dad also doing some gaslighting with the mom, and mocking. Likely where he learned it but he's had many years to change that behavior so it's his responsibility now. No contact is the way. If anyone ever does a hint of this I am so gone with no explanation. Like the roadrunner...OUT
I’ve recognized those patterns in family ex spouses and friends I had to correct those patterns abs unlearn them I grew up with a evil parent and his side was as evil as him so this helps me cope thank you 😊
![เปิดบ้าน พี่ตูน Bodyslam หลังใหม่คนแรก ที่ภูเก็ต l [Nickynachat]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/flFwcmyDQSk/mqdefault.jpg)
Leave someone who handles relationships in this way. You deserve better and there is better out there.
Yep they won't learn or change bc they will think they are the best.
When your 70, I'll be 💯
@Diana Mary….I sure wish I knew where they were.
It was my mother- I couldnt just leave
I understand.@@Nunya-77
Every. single. conversation. We cannot resolve anything ever. She cannot stay on point, and then tells me it's ME who "why do you want to bring this negativity up all the time..." . All of this when she's the one starting the conflict.
It feels like I'm being tested all the time like there's a riddle I need to figure out.
Leave! You will waste your mental. Dealt with that earlier this year, broke up with her. Conversations never went anywhere. You can have solid proof and they'll lie that away. Totally toxic, then they'll come up with the most silliest thing. Good luck.
It's exhausting. Give them a million chances to be ok. Done. Waste of life.
This sound so familiar. It won't change. They shut you off. They cut you off. They walk away. They act like they know what your saying and never let you explain your point.
You think "if only they could hear me. Listen to what I am saying".
In the middle of all of this watch them step outside of themselves and watch the drama. Look for the smirk. They truly are wicked.
They create the drama and pretend to be the victims. It. Only. Gets. Worse. It never gets better. No matter how hard it may be walk away. Afterward you will wonder why you stayed and took so much of it when it was so simple to just walk away.
Twenty-one years of bullshit. It took me 21 years! They make you feel they are unreplaceable.
As hard as it is to accept I can tell you with certainty. She doesn't love you and has already in the wings one or two potential replacements. Walk away, dude and leave that mess behind you. Then start building up yourself. Let in better people. People who are kind.
My CPtsd is so strong, 11 months later I'm still trying to repair that.
@@dorothybennington Facts
This is exactly what I've been through aswell, I fell for it at the end end and started snapping and losing it my head felt like it was going to explode, these people are lunatics and drive you absolutely crazy. And you are right the smirk..these people are evil harsh but true x
If you turn yourself into a pretzel to make it work with someone that’s a clear sign
Phoenix Rising this is a great analogy!!!!! I never thought of it that way until I saw this and it's exactly what I did.
I do not apologize when they switch it up. Mind games
I've apologized for things I didn't do more than I can count. Confront a narc and be prepared for some Grade A gaslighting with a lot of word salad. If that doesn't work, DARVO.
I was a victim of this. It’s mental and emotional abuse. This is why I went no contact for good this time. Malignant narcissist are extremely dangerous, I know firsthand. Great video, thank you!
As soon as I observe this pattern I leave the conversation/room/relationship.
This is the pattern of abusers.
Being on the stand in court 24/7 really takes a toll.
"I would just like one day without you making an argument out of something!!" 😳😖😳
Keep repeating yourself in a calm but firm way, stay in your train of thought and don’t let anyone pull you off track or knock you off balance
Stay focused by staying grounded
validate your own reality👌
They are angry but in denial
You know they are angry,
give yourself permission to know what you know.
Listen to your reality
trust your perception
Trust yourself 👍
Stay true to you
Honour the truth
Observe don’t absorb
Trust your perception
TY Michelle 💥🎯
The most work you will ever do, is talking, or being with a narc. No intimacy, they'll tell everyone your pillow talk. Run 🏃💨💨💨💨💨💃
It's best to not deal with these types save your time and attention for people who really need it(homeless kids)abused children ,💪⚡
The Corporate Narc hive, family narc hive, neighborhood narc hive, school, ANY group of people where honesty and sincerity and skills equal prey
@Solitude Standing11 yes they are.
I have no idea how many times I've said I'm trying to understand whats going on. He will tell me to stop, stop, stop and all I keep saying is I didn't do anything wrong! Yes, he will say I'm yelling and the kids are there, but hes the one yelling! 😄
And any conversation that you have about anything serious is considered bitching
This is so so true!!!! I cannot believe how spot on this really is. I fell for it massively I snapped at the end, he messed my head up so much over 4 years i just couldnt take anymore. I had no clue about narcassists or darvo, I knew something was very very wrong but I had no clue it was abuse x
Most of us don't. They didn't teach it in school. In fact we get taught that everyone is the same and that is not true. It leaves us wondering how someone like us can be that way and surely they can be helped or change when that is not the case at all. Their emotional vampires feeding off of us
My mother was an expert at DARVO. She would insult me and my kids (her grandkids), and when I called her out on it and said it hurt my feelings so I'm leaving, she would become a weepy mess, and say she hadn't said it, and that I was killing her by doing this. I would end up crying and apologizing
Mary North - I have exactly the same dynamic with my mother!! Last Thanksgiving, with extended family in the room while I'm helping chop vegetables for the dinner the next day, she picked that moment to just try to provoke me, completely out of the blue. In a quick series of "jabs", she put down my 25 year old daughter (the grandchild who spends the most time with her), mocked my coffee (yep, I made the mistake of picking up a latte on my morning walk) and then interrupted me when I tried to ignore that comment and started describing the cute little coffee shop my husband & I had found. We'd had a very nice conversation with the owner about his accent, which we couldn't place, so we asked if he minded telling us where he was from because his accent was so unique. Mom blurts out, "Well I think that's just rude to ask someone where they're from if they don't want to tell you. If they wanted you to know they'd tell you." Seriously.She'd clearly just been looking for chance to criticize me rather than paying attention to what I was describing, which was a very pleasant and interesting conversation with a kind, interesting gentleman. My teenaged niece even muttered under her breath, "Dang, Mimi. . ." because her hostility was over the top.
I'd begun listening to Michele's videos and some other good sources months before, so I was better prepared to not react to Mom this time, but I was still shocked to be able to so clearly identify her abusive tactics. I'm over 50, and this has been going on my entire life. For some reason, it had finally dawned on me earlier last year that I have many good friends, a wonderful husband and 2 grown kids and, while I'm not perfect at all, I don't experience guilt, confusion and constant feelings of inadequacy in any of those relationships. It's only with Mom & my older brother, who has been an abusive bully his whole life.
The "Thanksgiving debacle" was like a huge light bulb and gong going off in my head: "Yep, there it is. You're having a good time in the kitchen with your nieces, younger brother and sister in law, and she needs to shame you."
Thank God I had a little guidance and didn't react. I wasn't able to fully respond by telling her I wasn't going to have a disrespectful conversation with her, but that we could talk later after she had calmed down, either. I just wasn't prepared to say anything, so I stopped talking. The other people in the room picked up the conversation as if Mom hadn't just been a complete shrew (also part of the dynamic: you just carry on as if the abusive conduct didn't happen and hope it goes away) I finished my kitchen work after a few more minutes, put the utensils and veggies away, and left the room with my coffee. I avoided her for the rest of the day. She later tried to apologize to me (in private, of course, no audience this time). She said she was sorry for making me mad (not for what she'd done, but for what she thought my reaction was). That was when I was finally able to use what I'd learned. I told her very calmly that she hadn't made me mad, that I understood from her comments that she has a very low opinion of me and my family (she didn't deny this at all), that I disagree with her opinion but she has a right to it.
This completely shut her down. It was like it didn't compute. I'll always believe she came looking fornthe rest of her narcissistic supply, because in the past, we'd have had a long, serious conversation that would end with me apologizing for something, just like Michele describes here. Instead, she tasted literally backing away from me while I was saying, in a very calm, low voice that she was entitled to her low opinion of me and my family. She said she was tired and had a headache and walked off. Poof - evil, narcissistic dragon slayed forever! She has never, ever tried that garbage with me again. One boundary I established after that trip was that I will never again be her guest at an event that includes my older brother, because they are a predictably toxic combination, truly malignant. I can't believe I survived growing up in that hellish environment and that it took so long to see it as the abusive circus it is.
I hope you're able to find the peace and wholeness that comes after the incredible pain of realizing your mother isn't truly capable of seeing you and truly loving you for the individual you are. It's so hard to re-learn how to exist in that relationship, if you decide to maintain contact at all. Blessings and peace to you on your journey.
Be aware that with parents there is the possibility of underlying medical conditions that manifest as personality disorders. UTIs, vitamin B12 deficiency, early onset dementia, minor strokes etc. Best thing is not to react and remove yourself if you might. Seek medical attention if the behaviour appears new or unexpected
@@nyanning4090 no thank you! I've dealt with enough psychos on medicine in my life and I dont need to jump on the "give them medicine and it will be alright" bandwagon anymore.
@@AZDC99 yes I agree that was a gaslighting "it didn't happen" comment
Genuinely just noticing instead of being actively involved helps a lot. Thank you for this video
Great way of putting it! I love the description of that being "respond don't react." But I don't think that has to be done 100% of the time before the bitter end. (FWIW---This is when you find out who they REALLY ARE, just in case you were doubting it and still in denial and we all to some extent if we're still around... This was a crucial final block to my escape of the increasing mistreatment of those people)
As soon as you explained what the acronym stood for I recognized this is what my parents did to me, especially my father.
Michele looks stunning 😍 I love all your contents & delivery style. I am healed already so I dont watch this content anymore. I just want to express my appreciation for Michele. Thank you!
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"
"WATCH OUT THEY WILL JUDGE YOU?"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?"
DON'T BE PARANOID?"
"CAREFUL, THE MESSENGER OF BAD NEWS WILL BE PUNISHED?" ( KINDA THREAT)
"I WAS REALLY HURT"
ME:
KEEPING SILENT.............REFLECTING.........ME : SOMETHING IS WRONG. to avoid conflict but didn't appologize. ;)
NOW YOU NAME IT: D.A.R.V.O.
This happened to me at my last job and I had to leave cause it was making me physically ill , I of course left looking like I was the problem
* update : someone else reported her
Same, I did report her but the guy just looked down at his writing pad and widened his eyes as if I was nuts. She had him round her little finger. I reported her a year later to someone higher who also thought I was lying until I asked do you have a higher turnover of staff upstairs compared to downstairs, and a light went on
@@user-us7vw3yq8p Very relatable. Mostly these types will even get promoted after some issues occurred and were reported
It's like some evil magic rewards them.
Probably they all bond and cooperate.
Manipulators.
I believe you as this has been happening to me. I have reason to believe that the narc in my life is also using abuse by proxy in order to mess with my employment.
I don’t have to feel like that more I left my narc husband of 33 years and I’m free from him and I’m loving my freedom
I saw that first video. Love the broken record technique; that’s how we talk to children.
Run!! Run far away if you see this pattern!! It only gets worse.
Some times you can't....
It’s like stepping into a tornado!! No matter HOW careful you are to let the other person bring up topics, they’ll say you brought it up first and on recall of a convo they’ll totally twist all the details!!
Now, when my dad insults or minimizes me in a joking manner in front of family~ I'm going to laugh my ass off 🤣😂 and when I'm done, I'll look at him and say, "I see you." 😏
D.A.R.V.O.
I wish someone had sent me this video - or ACRONYM - before today. I had never heard of this term till today. Yet it happened to me a million times over with my ex.
Had I seen an explicit video detailing this DARVO procedure, I would have gotten over my doubt about his being a narcissist much sooner.
When we are thus gaslighted and confusion follows, it’s called COGNITIVE DISSONANCE. I’d have recovered from cognitive dissonance sooner.
Your video is so spot on. Two days ago I phoned my (toxic abusive) Mother & I called her out for validating her mothers horrible behavior (my toxic abusive grandmother is 93, I've been her live in caregiver for over 3 years - but not for much longer!) towards me and she told me -MY- perception is all wrong. She yelled at me that -I- wasn't being abused by anyone but that -I- was the one being abusive (she tried telling me -I- was abusive because I once rolled my eyes at their crappy behavior 🙄). I told her I didn't need to listen to her nonsense and that I would resolve the issue myself by moving away and moving on from them. It freaked her out that I made up my mind to protect MYSELF and not be intimidated by her bullying and blaming me. I've just discovered how freeing it is to take care of my own wellbeing ❤🤗 instead of everyone elses! Wish I'd done that a long time ago!
I'd call this the "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Stupid phenomenon" back in the days, hated those parts the most, it were those parts that meant, sleeping in the car (when my dad did it) or to apologise for getting angry after he (my ex) played bop it with my triggers "okay honey I'm sorry for getting angry at you when you called me a fat idiot and then laughed at me when I cried"
Very familiar with this technique. I am in block mode.
YES! There's this thing in the air and they don't tell you and you're left to figure it out! As a child this was me with my father. I was left to figure it out and I always came up with "it's my fault."
This really abused me as a child....
It's called 'ambient abuse'. They literally pour darkness into the air around you. That darkness is from Satan
Love it. Everyone should know darvo. Step 2 learn observe don't absorb technic , Ross Rosenberg, m.a. . dont defend yourself they are trying to put the problem on you and excaping accountability. For their bad actions. Keep it in your head. The more you do it the quicker you get to catching it at the time it happens.
A 30 second mention from me, no matter how respectful would result in a 3 hour argument!! I would be mentally and physically exhausted from it.
This abuse is disgusting.
That's exactly how my past relationship of 7 years was.
If I had any problem, she'd flip it on me with some weird technique.
Broke up in late 2020, got into another relationship in October 2021 and this one too is a bit problematic. If I have any problem with her behaviour, she flips it on me that why do I bother about such things so much?
I ask her how her day at work was, she tries to speak the least about it and then keeps quite. But if topic is changed, she's fully involved in the conversation.
Nothing's wrong but because you asked now there is! I've heard this a thousand times...
If you do what they don't like, they'll leave/silent treat.
If you call them out on that same behavior, they will again devalue and leave.
There is no healthy path forward. Accept their brokenness. Choose to have healthy people in your life. Recognize they aren't one. And the rest will fall into place.
Brilliant.....Ive been listening to you for along time, your one of my favorite, you clearly understand & very clued in to these Narcissist tactics. I stopped watching so many Narcissist youtubes & spending so much time focusing on the Narcissist/s in my life. But I have found their behaviors ( which is mostly pretend to be warm & caring, then start their isults, start arguments from insulting me then go into the ignoring phase which may last for wks or months, probably now up till Christmas as they know I will have to make some form of communication......My Mother is a covert malignant Narcissist, my sister is just a Narcissist who hasnt visited me ever in her life. I was away living in another city for years & then was in the Military for 6 more years so not counting these years. Since I returned closer to my home town & bought a home near my sisters best friend, practically within walking distance & dispite me visiting her numerous times I lost count & built her young son a chicken coup & cubby house, nope still no visit. I never mentioned anything.
Everyone asks me who know me well, Im the one in the family who was the scapegoat kid, often abused physical & mentally, by my father, and totally negected emotionally. He would often call me a mummy's boy, I was but my mother was rarely home. I looked up to my mother though she was never hardly home. I stayed with my grandmother mostly, she was lovely but I realise now she was not mentally well, she suffered depression & my grandfather was very domineering over her. I left home at a early age, It was only later in life did I move back closer. Im not married & have no children so this has opened me up for suspicion about my sexuality. I know how they feel about gay people & sure this must be the reasons why Im never visisted, ignored by my sister. And now my mothers true colours favouritism towards my sister with children & shows little regard or respect to me, despite the fact I have invested literally hundreds of thousands of $$$ into two properties ( when I trusted my mother) that are in my mothers name. Now I see the full blown covert malignant Narcissistic behaviors in both my Mother & sister who treat & blame me appallingly. I feel abused Used up & now being discarded like a piece of garbage......The mental anguish they causing me is aweful. The lies manipulating & cruel things they do has to be seen to be believed.
Anyway you described them perfectly again in this vid. This never goes away the damage these Narcissist do. I will get some help again now that these emotions are coming back again.
My father the abuser died years back now, i forgot to mention he & my grandmother had died when i was iin the military..
Take back your life, get those properties back into your name, sell them and treat yourself well...without any negative conscience...help ppl who need your help. Dont let ppl who dont care about you rent any space in your head, often they are called relatives. We are born into families that we dont get to choose, find another family of friends, less headache and heartbreak...you're welcome. No charge..😊❤
49 yrs, 2wks and .....aw.....I will be 50 on the day a after Thanksgiving......yet Forever DARVO....
Hi, you have a sweet voice. Some people mentioned it before too. But today is something wrong with the microfon.....
Thank you Michelle!
I’m a 22 year old female no family or friends left the narcissm killed me and gave me fog it’s everywhere and I always get hurt because I’m an empath
You’re too young, I needed help when I was your age but my mom didn’t listen. I went on to recreate my childhood abuse in my adulthood! By the time I was 29 I was so sick, physically I couldn’t even eat a lot of things! My body was sick and tired I thought I was going to die. Please don’t be me. Keep listening to Michelle and others like her. You will be better & unlike me will not attract bad. Do breathing exercises and get some adaptogenic herbs, my favorites is maca, ashwsghndha, pasley and today I started astragalus. Listen to affirmations, exercise & you can even dance not necessarily workouts. I wish you well and great life ahead.
I’ve experienced the same thing except I’m much older
Cassidy Love..
Guard your energy. Avoid negative energy. Be positive and happy all the time. May God bless you and protect you
I don't EVER apologize for something that wasn't my fault and I don't EVER accept the blame when I am not to blame. So that has never worked for him.
these videos are so helpful! not only did it help me to leave but it helped me to spot how I got roped in, why I stayed and how to spot the red flags!
I just noticed today, after being out 2 years from my 10 year marriage that he does this every damn time. He did it again today. I was like, wow, that's textbook.
You are a hero! Your insights on this subject are impeccable. God bless you. 💖
This is how it all starts..
I continue to look for honest advice and feedback from other’s who have experienced something similar. I am struggling on the path forward and would love to hear from others. Long story short, for almost 18 years, I have been married to someone who has narcissistic traits. Our marriage has been struggling for a few years now; about 2 months ago we attended our 19th marriage counseling session together. At that session I told my wife that somehow our marriage needs to drastically get better quickly, or I feel we need pull the plug and end our marriage since we have been going to marriage counseling for far longer than we probably should have been going; and not much, if anything, improved. Part of me was hopeful that this was going to be the warning shot and my wife would finally hear me; that she would finally understand that I am done with the narcissistic type of behavior, done with the mean comments, the high level of control, and being made out to feel like I am never doing the right thing, never doing it quickly enough, etc. Unfortunately, the few weeks after that counselling sessions things did not improve, they actually seemed worse. For example, one morning I started her car so it was warm for her when she left for work (which I do for her quite often). I wasn’t looking for a pat on the back, but she very rudely said “oh, thank you so much for everything you do”. One day I went and bought a snow shovel and salted and cleaned the ice from the sidewalk. Instead of getting any type of thanks or appreciation, she told me that it is so interesting that I had time to go to Dollar General (which is about 3 miles from our house) and buy a new shovel and salt. I got criticized for doing laundry and putting in on ‘her side’ of the bed and not having it moved off of the bed so she could lay down at night without having to touch laundry. I got criticized for having the space heater on in the living room. I got criticized for eating all the lasagna; when in fact I put it in a Tupperware container so she could take it in her lunch. I got questioned on going for a walk along the river. It was just relentless verbal attacks. By no means am I a perfect husband, I am far from it, and I have made plenty of mistakes, but I have always tried to be loving and supportive and take care of her and our kids. I have dealt with this type of narcissistic behavior for a very long time. Just another example, I recently learned why I was in severe pain for a couple of days this past summer; I was passing a 6mm kidney stone. While I was in pain, I got in a hot bath to try and alleviate some of the pain. I recall vividly her making a mean comment that I was in the bath while she was doing something for the kids. I have agonized over the decision for many months, and probably years now, but about 5 weeks ago I asked for divorce and have been moved out since that time. She said it wasn’t fair and that I blindsided her, even though we have attended those 19 marriage counseling sessions together; I reluctantly agreed to separation for now. For the last five weeks, I have been buried in loving texts, pictures of our kids and of some fun memories in the past, she sent me the wedding song that we danced too, she has been sending me quotes from the bible, she asked that I listen to various books on making marriages work, etc; she asked that I meet with our Deacon at church and attend a church marriage weekend retreat. She has buried me in a variety of, what I would consider ‘tactics’, to try and get me back home; she has thrown our vows in my face multiple times and said that I am destroying the kids by moving out. I have been holding strong and have not caved by moving back in; recently she has been all over the board with her comments and emotions. Seems silly talking about, but we own a car and a truck. For the last 5 weeks I have drove the truck and she has had the car. Roughly a week ago she said she wants the truck, which is no problem, but I asked her why; she said she doesn’t need to answer why, she just wants it. She said she plans on keeping the truck for a few weeks since its not fair that I got to drive it for a few weeks (I don’t know the intentions of this, other than some form of power play, or maybe knowing if she has the truck, I won’t be able to use it to do things I enjoy). She also seems to be getting controlling with the kids; she told me that I am the one who decided to leave them, so its not fair for me to ever get both of our kids overnight while she is alone, since she didn’t decide to leave. I reminded her that I didn’t leave the kids, that I only left her. Shortly after making these types of comments, she follows up with a load of very nice loving texts. This is all extremely hard for me, because she occasionally acts nice and says she is willing to try and change, but seems all over the place with her comments and emotions; I’m afraid I will fall back into the trap. Over the last few days she has attempted to be nice, although almost to the point of smothering because I have asked for time and space, but she seems to refuse to give that to me. Here recently she has been very frequently saying “I Love You”; almost over using the words. She has made multiple attempts to try and be affectionate, which in a normal circumstance would be fine, but not after we are separated. I worry greatly about our kids, I feel she is subjecting them to a ton of sadness and possibly emotional manipulation, with the intentions being of playing the victim card in front of the kids and trying to make them feel bad for her and make me out to look like the bad guy (she told me she is always crying in front of the kids…and even yesterday when I saw her she cried multiple times in front of the kids). Even though I asked for divorce, I still do not wish her unhappiness; I just want everyone to get along and be nice and supportive with everyone. To make matters even more frustrating, recently she told me she was offered a job in Michigan (about 5 hours from where we currently live in Ohio). I am settled here in Ohio now, have a good job here, etc. I am happy for her that she was offered the job, I know that is more what she wants to do versus her current job, so that part makes me happy; but come on, wanting to relocate now while we are separated. I feel like she is doing everything she can to try and make things difficult for me, especially with our 2 kids. It’s just very inconsistent, it can change by the day, or even by the hour; sometimes she is sweet and nice, then there are plenty of moments of comments and actions that just aren’t nice. I’m struggling on the path forward, so any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.
You said it yourself; you are worried you’ll fall back into her trap. I hope you have figured out her playbook and are working to heal yourself and have a great relationship with your kids. Care less what the optics are to the rest of the world, or her flying monkeys, just be the example to your kids of having the courage to do the right thing. The truth always comes out. Stay the course.
Thanks Michele, You and Jesus saved my relationship and our sanity. Wow we are kinda normal now lol !!!!
Friggg 😳. So spot on. I understand better now 🙁 .
Thank you!!! I've been through this with people many times!
WOW! Thank you. It has a name! Oh yes, it's my fault that her knuckles hurt after she's used me as an emotional punching bag. I should feel awful for defending myself.
MY DAUGHTER JUST DID THIS TO ME TODAY AS I WAS CALLING ON HER STUFF.....SHE DOES THIS ALL THE TIME TO ME!!
TURNING IT BACK ON ME!!
BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME...I JUST DUMPED HER BACK ON HER!!!
I HAVE PUT UP WITH HER NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOR FOR 30 + YEARS....AND TODAY I TOOK BACK MY POWER!!
I FINALLY LOVE ME MORE THAN I CARE ABOUT IF SHE LOVES ME....BECAUSE I KNOW SHE IS UNABLE TO LOVE.
You have said all that I went through when I was in a relationship with a NARCISSIST. Great video .
And yes he was putting all the blame on me .Thank god I finally went NO CONTACT and left .he was even trying to make me feel am crazy and need treatment whenever I pointed out something I found strange .🙄🤷♀️
Same here. It's the last thing I wanted to do with my closest male friend on this side of the country and an ex-girlfriend. But NO CONTACT was the only way out and IS the only way out. (I might miss the good things about the relations, this wasn't worth paying the price even as sporadic as it could be.. this is during the good times that aren't so bad or whatever)
Michele! Thank you for these words of wisdom. I fell hard for this dorvo thing. Attempting to make someone else to see this only seemed to make them feel yes I'm the problem.
Most of the the time it turns realalty upside down and I blew it off only to deal with a backlash. It could drive you insane.
Thank you so much for putting this out there! So many people or so stuck with this. It's not easy to talk about.
I appreciate you so much. I can't thank you enough for how much you have helped me.
Micelle you are the only one who understand I wish there were a lot of people like you God bless you I love you so much ❤
Very Helpful Video.
Thank you!
God Bless You!
My wife does this ALL THE TIME -- she, always, twists everything and accuses me for trying to attack her! On the contrary, she attacks me for everything I say.
It seems she is on a constant battle to be "better than me" -- in order to accomplish that, she puts me down (so that "she" is the better one)!
I forgot all about the broken record technique that I got from the "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" book. I use it enough but not nearly enough. Thanks for reminding me this at the end of the video! I googled "DARVO don't fall for it" and your video showed up and it was better than I expected. Not that I underestimated you. Even with good material, something is just going to the next level in supporting my decision not to fall for it and to stick with it and it gives me future ways to deal with this potential future problem some people in my life who I've already distanced myself from
There was a trigger in this message for me. Not always, but usually when someone asks me what's wrong at a time that I'm actually feeling happy. I jumped to the conclusion that they are projecting negativity on to me because I'm happy at the moment. Then I withdraw and realize misery really does love company.
Oh dear
This happened to me… I brought up the fact he was so quiet on the way to ice cream. He lost It. Rage 😡 spitting, finger in my face screaming at the top of his lungs all while we are in the car driving. I was scared out of my mind and I begged him to let me out Of the car. I thought he’d hit me… he finally let me out and I walked home 😔
True to word no contact 3 months he literally turned on me after the death of his live in mother I was a pillar of love 4 him threw it all he said to me u know the $$$ I was saving for our wedding it's gone on funeral no plan nothing ....he is a cold loser sorry she had burial insurance so then he told me keep my apt and hell live with his 50+ brother .....so I told him bye dont return but what a devaluation wow.....he also never cried not once at 2 funerals very telling ....thanks Michelle Happy New Year🥰😇🤗❤
Wow - this is genius
Good information, thanks Michele.
I switch up when I get triggered by thier past lies or thier story telling.
And they will probably claim Darvo.
This literally just happened to me this evening!
your videos are really looking good and educational Michele Good Job.
8:04 - your description of "being in quicksand" is so accurate. With my ex, I told him several times in (attempting) to work out an issue that it's hard for me to address the original problem when it feels like I'm being "buried under layers and mountains of words" and that it felt truly suffocating and hopeless to work it out with him.
You're so right - there is no reasoning or proving your point with malignant narcissists. Thank you for this video - it's certainly helped provide some validation for what I thankfully survived. Pro tip: go no contact with these types if you can.
The trusting your own intuition is difficult and absolutely key to surviving this. Do your best to not to get knocked down by these manipulators.
I have to say, Michele you are genius!!!!!💝
Hi I'm early today!
Great video. Enormous topic. Thank you.
Mde… Tons of memories arise… It feels like a trap, and exactly as a quick sand that sucks you in deeper and deeper and holds.
Of course my narc parents masters of DARVO, that role reversal, projection -introjection defense/offence mechanism. Multi layered stuff. And get stuck there all the time. Do start explain myself, or get angry, confused, ashamed, guilty and so on. Horrible staff. That seems also relates to gas lighting. And somehow they all the time good and nice and descend people for abusing me overtly/covertly on the side of truth and order, peace light and law, I contrary end up as a bad guy. Often add to the mixture enablers and flying monkey who take their side, and say yes yes they are right you are wrong and praise them. So as result punished end up I, they got praise and support. Just mind blowing. And try to prove them wrong - exactly quicksand, drown there they do not even try to be logical reasonable, consistent.(deny, deflect, ignore, omit, twist, turn)
And there goes pity ploys, you should help us now - you offend him/her - guilty!!!!.If guilty - then You should fix, heal, compensate, emotionally regulate, please, submit etc..
Such a mess. Huge problem personally to me. And that situations-patterns keep reacquire. Just horrible, just recently got one the same pattern. Person abuse me openly, cynically, abuse covertly - but instead of shaming that person people around to whom I appeal what is going on - praise her and bash me. Just get pissed off. Like nether that person do not see how bad and cynically she treats me hither her enablers at work got some minimum wage lousy pretty hard job - and that person supposedly teach me how to operate some stuff and just have fun on me how I first time seeing that do not know how to use that thing? Like something so obvious that everyone knows. And she do not bother to apologize or regret, just barrage of such stuff all day, like why I do not look at some paper - there is written that some obscure item is missing she in condescending tone, how she is disappointed in me aggressively poke a hole in me - reply that first of all that do not aware of existence of some obscure list that seems only she has, and no one told me that exist and I should read it. She do not care that she do not teach me about it and it is not my job for real, but she already so disappointed in me frustrated how stupid and clumsy I am do not understand such a simple thing that somewhere on her table where I do not even go exist some Excel print out that some item is missing. And she do not realize that she is unreasonable. That such demands and claims of her and her attitude and tone of voice is aggressive and stupid and offensive very impolite. And such idiotic jabs all the time, and she supposedly do all in the name of prosperity of company her intentions are all fine and good - but I am idiot who should be treated like some 5 year old by strict teacher, and if I get angry in return - god have mercy on me. All the hounds of hell will be unleashed. After all that day being jabbed like that she like seem soon will be teaching me how to tie shoes, she just obsessed with pedantic rules and perfectionism of some weird sort - and base on it all her abuse not only to me. I do ask to some coworkers what da F is going on? Hoping on some emotional support - because I was already starting to lose my temper, instead of support do hear from female coworkers that she is best such a great professional, knows so much, and doing everything right - I was baited and jabbed in front of their eyes. On my question what exactly she knows so well do not get any answer (because I do not see something special she is doing quite primitive tasks and job, and lousy teacher who “teach” newbies like me her lessons feels more like abuse and humiliation ), and get even some aggressive remarks and innuendos from these people. So number of people reaction after I ask them what is going on piss me off even more plus to what experience form her directly.
Reminds and triggers so hard my past wounds from childhood where similar patterns some control freak/s by appealing to lofty ideals, rules and laws and some orders - abuses covertly and overtly, acts superior and condescending and bunch of enablers praise and applaud to that crazy circus. And I feel myself stuck, do not know what to do ether comply became slave, or rebel and fight back - and they of course will start smear campaign and will fire me. Kind of lose-lose situation. Fell myself pissed off and stuck, do not know what to do, how to react, how to maintain sanity.
How to heal and protect myself?
... Thanks for sharing your knowledge and wisdom. I like all your videos. 👍 ⭐ 🌟 ⭐ 🌟 ⭐ 🌹💝
This is exactly my mother.
This video sadly brings back so many hurtful memories to me as regards my family. U try to have a normal conversation with them and they turn it around and make u feel like the villain. My younger brother who I believe is very high on the narcissistic spectrum behaved so shoddily towards me after the death of Mum. U wud think that after such an horrendous ordeal that ur family wud show nothing but compassion and kindness towards u. Instead this guy invalidated my grief completely and when I called him out on it he accused me of not being there for Mum when she was dying.
You were the scapegoat and your brother thinks you were supposed to be there so your mom could dump on you before she passed away so that way she didn't have any negative emotions before dying. This is a possible hypothesis of his thinking. If this is correct he will gaslight and become angry with you. If it is incorrect he will ignore it or dismiss it. Understand this emotional pattern so the darkness can become light.
My narcissist did the same to me when I was grieving
@@SilentTrip They are horrendous people, they make u feel bad for grieving, my sister said to me that because I grieve my Mother's death that therefore I am obsessed with death?!
Excellent. Thank you.
Great video for those on their way to no contact. For those watching this video who experienced DARVO from a parent as a child, time to look up your videos on NAS! ❤️😊
Thank you Michele. You have no idea how your helping ppl like me.
Hi, I just found out about DARVO through a podcast not realizing you uploaded the video 3 months ago. I didn’t know you 3 months ago, but that’s besides the point. I learned what it is and that’s important! Thank you 😊🥰
Excellent!!!Thank You.
Wow.. Had I known that in January.
I jusked asked what was wrong and wanted to talk to him.
In the end, he was yelling at me I had a problem and I always wanted to fight.
Now I understand. Thank you so much Michele 💪🏻 Now that I understand, I can let this in the past.
I find exaggeration in many situations as well. It’s like a child who was scared but not hurt saying they have an injury upon their first reaction. So because they have a deep seated fear, been scared shows up often in situations they can’t control.
Great video! This was what happened to me! Thank you so much for sharing this.Very Appreciated ~
Thanks for your videos.
That's really help me in my darkest times...God bless ❤️ you. I like your
Speaking slow n eazy for me.
Thanks 🤎
Omg I have seen this!!!!
I wish I'd seen this years ago! Hope it helps others, thank you!
Thank you I do like the the broken record technique. I have some individuals at work who seem to use D.A.R.V.O. I'll also be trust and validate my own perspective
Thank you for the info video. I've been the victim of a malignant narcissist , but didn't know what it was until I stumbled on some TH-cam videos by accident. I found out my homosexual boss manufactured a crisis to get an audience with my 80 year old mother. In her words she was the only one in the room on my side. This was 10 years ago. I don't know what the crisis was. I don't know what he told her to insure she kept her mouth shut. The only way I found out was I asked her if she was involved in some crap at my work. I had been hearing all kinds of terrible things from every new supervisor. I'm a rock star at my job. This sicko has been making sexual advances to me since I met him. I never told anyone. I always figured he wasn't much cause for concern because I could go above his head. So much more I don't have the time to type it all out. This guy is dangerous. I'm so mad at my family for falling for it and for keeping it from me. Almost like they are playing along with his narrative that something is wrong with me or something like that. I haven't spoken to my mom since last May when I found out. I feel completely betrayed by her. I'm just taking it one day at a time. But I soo appreciate your knowledge. Thanks!
It happened to me with an rather good patient of mine.. He wanted a second treatment, so he called... Then after hanging up i felt this strange thing in the air, and i felt as if i was the one who had to beg him for sometime with his precious, charming self(reverse), so when i gave him the answer of what time suited me... He answered me I can t go out of the house, maybe another time... As if I would be asking him.... Hello? You called me on the first place... I felt a bit shame, a bit bitter, a bit hurt, a bit confused...so i simply bocked this 'darling patient'... Now he will have to practice his narcissism and phoniness somewhere else...
I meant blocked
Thank you for this DARVO revelation. Now, my experiences with narkies are beginning to make sense. I wonder if there’s an effective counter strategy against this evil technique.
I have dealt with that forever
Covert narcs as well
20/20 on ID story I saw recently on the Markel murder and the Extended relatives really smacks of another narc hive murder. The murdered man’s children even had his last name removed and his parents lost all contact with their grandchildren
I just wish people knew the true face of these sort of people. I’ve been through this and tried with every part of me to help them but in the end she was violent and I had to somehow apologise because she gave me 28 stitches. She constantly flipped and was in a bad mood and I was punished in return. She then said what you’ve just said and tried to say she was a peaceful person. These people are sick. All I can say is run and keep running.
My ex did this and it was horrible. I saw his dad also doing some gaslighting with the mom, and mocking. Likely where he learned it but he's had many years to change that behavior so it's his responsibility now. No contact is the way. If anyone ever does a hint of this I am so gone with no explanation. Like the roadrunner...OUT
Thank you great video. I’m still in it but knowledge is key. You look great Michelle ❤️
I’ve recognized those patterns in family ex spouses and friends I had to correct those patterns abs unlearn them I grew up with a evil parent and his side was as evil as him so this helps me cope thank you 😊
This is incredibly helpful.
Thanks.
Thank you so much
Yes
Oh boi sounds like my life 😄😄
This is why I left my family.