Yep 100%. When a person cheats, they're just putting extra spots on their lawn that distract from the original lawn's issues. Fix those or find a different lawn (as in break up)
Thank you. My marriage survived my husband's having cheated once, and the experience taught him that the grass being greener elsewhere is just a trick of the light. I was taught by my therapist that it's inappropriate to punish a person for having forgiven an affair but that people would treat me like a pariah and an outcast anyway. My therapist was right. At least my husband doesn't treat me that way because of his mistake, but it's true and it still hurts decades later.
I’ve been through a lot in my life.. at this point, I’m done tolerating people contributing to emotional and psychological traumas. If they cheat, I don’t care how many years we’ve been together, we’re through. My partner needs to be my safe space. If cheating happened, I know I’ll never be able to truly feel safe again in that relationship.
I agree. Cheaters get no right to privacy. And I get *all* my questions answered. *ALL OF THEM.* That includes every single intimate detail that I ask to know! I don't care what experts say. I'll already be reeling from this for years. The damage has been done. I don't care how uncomfortable it makes the cheater. He *should be* uncomfortable telling me -- his lover -- what sex acts he performed with another woman. I don't even care if his answers hurt me more. No pain runs as deep as the betrayal he already chose to commit. I want to know *exactly* what happened and why. Every detail. Let him squirm. Sure, I'll cry. But I'm already devastated. I need to know what happened and why. Honesty and transparency are neccesary. Cheaters don't get to keep the secrets of their love affairs from their partner. When my last partner cheated, he gave lots of excuses. But one was that: "Porn makes me feel like I should be getting a different woman every day." He watches some twisted porn. That's sex that he wants, but I'm not willing to be treated like a sub-human sex toy. So I want to know if he's living out his porn fantasies with other women. How is that *not* relevant? Why do experts even say not to ask for sexual details? This is sexual betrayal! The details are relevant. The details I've gotten from cheaters in the past and from the most recent cheater torture and haunt me. But so does every single betrayal! I have a vivid imagination. If details about sex during the affair are not told to me, my mind will fill in the blank with worst case scenarios. Better to know the Truth. Who wants to be kept in the dark only to imagine and guess at the sexual details of their lover's betrayal?!?
I’m two weeks into recovery and it still hurts so much. We both agreed that what we have is worth saving. We’re in counseling and we’re both committed to making our marriage work. The pain of what he did still creeps up and it hurts like it just happened yesterday.😢
Wounds take time to heal and this is no different. I'm so glad to hear that you are both committed to working through this and healing together. Don't feel guilt at how hurt you are, or for needing time to process and get through it. Allow yourself to feel each emotion as it comes, acknowledge it and then gently put it aside if you can. I wish you all the best for your future.
Something I've noticed is that cheating alters friendships as well, especially when the cheater plays the victim or blames the spouse or person they've had an affair with. Refusing to take responsibility for their actions can make friends doubt whether they can be trusted in general. It's sad, especially when so much can be fixed with honesty!
That's true, it can alter friendships. Honesty really does save a lot of time and trouble. It's also important to take responsibility for your actions - being accountable.
I was the cheater. I realized that I wasn’t good for myself. My trauma, my decisions and my actions, me being in my own way, & and not allowing myself to heal, caused more hurt and damage to not only my partner but their community. Hindsight being 20/20, I realize my mistakes and will never make them again. My work is mine alone. Vulnerability, positive intent/execution, humility, and mindfulness, are values I carry daily. Who I am today is not who I was. And I am still remorseful for the pain I’ve caused. TB I hope you continue to heal.
Thank you for this and your other videos with your wife. My ex cheated on me, was unapologetic and was on the fence about wanting to save our marriage. I knew when he was on the fence he was just bidding time. He left me for not the original girl, but a second one. I stayed in the marital home because I couldn't afford to move out. It was more traumatic than anything. He didn't care because at that point even though we were legally married still...to him it was just a piece of paper. He'd up and leave us for days at a time for his ap. It's been a little over a year since our divorce finalized. He's planning on marrying her. I'm still struggling to recover and get on my own two feet. A couple times I wanted to give up. It's been so hard. So this and your other recent video...listening to it helped some. So truly, thank you.
Narcissists notorious bullies, they have no remorse, empathy nor compassion. What this therapist is describing doesn’t apply to your ex, because it’s sounds like your ex could be Narcissistic or Sociopathic. It will only last for them if they meet their Narcissistic match who doesn’t care about them just as much. You deserve better than a Narcissist, they aren’t able to love, they only can fake love temporarily.
Everything you just said are the things I asked from my ex husband after he told me he had an affair and he just insisted on putting everything behind us. Then he was angry when I couldn’t move on or trust him anymore.
My first boyfriend I liked him for 2 years before we got together. When we did I guess I was his side piece. I did not know he had a girl friend until she tagged him in a post on Facebook. He was not only my first "boyfriend" but he was my my first sexually. I was 20 at the time. When I talked to him he admitted to me that I was just their when he could not "get any" from his girlfriend. I Was devastated. He had been there for me emotionally just fir his own personal gain. I was done with him forever and i told his girlfriend about what happened. Its been hard to heal. Its more like a memory then trauma now.
I am so sorry that happened to you. It is cruel when people use other people purely for their own pleasure. I am glad to hear that it is more like a memory for you than a trauma. That is a good sign of healing.
This is why we need to teach kids to learn and delay sexual gratification. A serious guy will wait, a narcissist will bail, if they push so fast to jump in bed with you then it’s a red flag 🚩
Thank you Jonathan for this incredibly valuable content. I wish I knew it all a couple of years ago, it would help me stop trying to rebuild a relationship with a person who was not trying hard enough to win my trust back...
This video was so helpful thank you. I feel like every other video I’d seen was shaming me for being on the fence about leaving. Thank you for speaking non judgmentally
Gosh, i would like to believe that when you see they are "devastated" because they hurt you they won't do it again because i've experienced that they actually do cheat and hurt you again. It's such a mindfuck.
I would definitely say that the "right to privacy" side needs to be handled with care. In some situations I've seen with people, mainly since I came out as poly, is that people can take that too far and it turns into something like "they cheated so I have a right to abuse them" and that can perhaps have good intentions initially but it then becomes a self destructive cycle. A devils loop.
I agree. But I say that as someone who was cheated on and did not need access to my SO’s socials/texts to move forward. It was offered, but it didn’t make me feel better so I didn’t take it. Some people really need that; others want to punish the cheater; others get so carried away with insecurity that it turns into punishment even if that’s not their intention.
Lol I tried it. All and all I am proud of my growth and maturity- I didn’t go to anger first. I tried to ask questions that were informative of where the disconnect was and how we got there. I think he was prepared to use a bad reaction against me and he never got it. So, ultimately his cowardice was revealed- the first crack in that mask. He was telling me I was bitter or get angry when in would ask questions like “ do you think this relationship crosses a line?” There were other things happening that I helped me understand better that there was no hope in holding on to that relationship, but for me discovering my ex’s infidelity was a moment where I feel really proud of myself. I left all my cards in the table. He just wasn’t capable of reciprocating any of that. Good advice though! I still revisit the “betrayal” feeling and it’s been a big part of growing after all of the trauma of that relationship. It’s better on the other side, I’m finding…
I hope you are in a far better place now. I'm sorry for the loss you experienced, the memories that became part of the past, the future that was forever going to be a dream and the moments that could have been. I imagine it hurts terribly. Personally, I would never go back to a cheater, not because I don't think they can change, but because I thinknthat type of betrayal would turn me bitter and angry and I would lash out on them. No one deserves the ways in which I become awful, once I feel entitled to that anger. I would feel entitled to be angry after someone cheated, so to preserve what once mattered, I would leave. It could have been, due to different coincidences in life, nothing at all, you could have never met this person, and all that was good could have never happened. It could have been nothing at all, and instead it was so much.
My questions are about getting answers from my wife. Everything that she's admitted to is basically stuff that I have pulled out of her. I caught onto what she was doing and basically monitored her cheating for several months to confirm things so I saw a lot of stuff. She is doing most of what she should be to help us reconcile but we are three years out from D-Day and I was trickle truthed the whole time. It is the lying that really gets me.
I'd like to add that if they are truly remorseful, try not to shove it back in their face evertime you have an argument. Which would be part of the forgiveness. My husband emotionally cheated on me a few months after we were married, he showed true remorse and immediately told the other person that the messages had to stop, let me tell them that they needed to stop, and apologized profusely for months. I've only ever brought the situation up twice since it's happened and not in anger (basically just scared that it might happen again)and it still hurts him that he hurt me. So don't just throw it in their face if they are truly sorry just to get a reaction when you are mad. They were wrong but if they apologized and are remorseful and changed don't make them resent you by throwing a mistake back in their face.
I'd love to see a video like this but with the added spin of dealing with a partner that THINKS you're cheating or fears you're cheating when you're not. How far does one go to prove they aren't? Would transparency have a limit? Because when does it turn from being transparent to enabling them to be emotionally abusive/possessive? When does reassurance become toxic for the innocent party who is always accused of infidelity and isn't false accusation a sign that THAT partner is actually the one cheating? If the insecure party refused to get help what can a person do to stop the accusations without giving up their friends/life in order to show the insecure person that they are indeed faithful (especially if not proof seems to be good enough).
This is a really unhealthy relationship. Your partner has serious issues that are impacting your emotional wellbeing. A lot of times in life, people are illogical and irrational, even in the face of irrefutable concrete evidence. You can't "fix" this. I would break up with that person, because they don't respect you enough to believe you and you're just going to continue beating your head against a wall and losing everything good about yourself until you're just an empty shell.
Cheating doesn't have to end the relationship. I know several couples who worked through something like this and came out stronger on the other side. But it's hard, really hard. Both parties have to put in a lot of work to fix the relationship.
Remember one thing cheaters come from unstable environments, if they had turbulent childhoods unstable parents, broken homes. So they chase that fleeting feeling of love to fill the void that their parents didn’t provide them, they also terrified of abandonment because their parents betrayed them, if their parents betrayed them then they feel anybody can betray them therefore the relationship with such folks will be difficult because their emotions are driven by past trauma and any time they are confronted they ran and start new relationship with someone else because a new person doesn’t know their dramatic character and trauma yet. So unless they worked on themselves to cure their lack of confidence and self esteem and past traumas they wouldn’t be able to form long lasting relationship. I believe premarital counselling has to be mandatory so people would be aware of what usually goes wrong in a relationships and how to handle it.
He cheated on me in the house I was living in (sharing with friends), where he was staying over. Then got mad that I was waking the house up yelling. Yeah, nah.
Our FB, social media and phones etc etc are open. There's no reason to hide that unless you are planning a surprise party for your spouse, and then only while that is going on. Neither of us feel the need to hide stuff and also, we aren't constantly looking at each other's social media, texts etc.
We weren't talking for few months but we live in the same house. I offered couples counseling he finally agreed so that I would shut up because he isn't serious about counseling. He said he will go to 3 sessions. What? 3 sessions? It's a process not a number. Also he's refusing to answer if he's seeing someone else. I think he is because I see him going out and I saw scorecard from game night with some Stephanie name on it. But he's not answering if he's dating. Who the hell is Stephanie? How can counseling work with someone like him. I'm wasting my time
I am watching The World Of The Married (Korean Drama) and I am currently on the last episode. This could have helped the second lead couple so much with dealing with triggers that lead to doubts.
Here context was very important for the healing. There was some outside trauma involved, and paradoxically the rebuild of trust was harder on the side of the cheater than on the side of the cheated on. The fear of "getting even" was very real. That was a long time ago though, and we are doing very well now.
Thankfully I haven't. But then again I'm so incredibly picky and hesitent in starting a relationship (again) that the partner(s) I pick is/are very unlikely to be up for cheating, by the default of their character X'D I'm also way too likely to notice if anything is wrong with them or us. My perception is even sharper than sharp when it comes to the person I love, because my need for us to be OK is high. One thing I do have on my list when starting out, though, is to talk about the "what if". And that means for me to open that door that they come to me if they mess up with anything. Because they shall know beforehand I'm more than capable to hear them out calmly and work through the mess with them (with emotions break in private, if necessary LOL). They'll know that I embrace the human conditionn being a mess. But they'll also know that the damage of not talking timely will by far exede the consequences of talking about it, no matter how messy. With my tolerance levels, I can deal with way too much, too well, to tollerate the betrayal of said tolerance. I can rebuild trust if they trust me enough to come in with their confessions. I can probably do less than most people in rebuilding trust, when I'm not trusted with this much. If my partner cannot process just HOW safe they are within my proximity, as they are (even just going by the fact I committed in first place), then there's absolutely nothing to safe. Since they never knew me in first place and/or didn't have the means to commit to begin with. It's probably good to mention that this is rather specific due to my character, setup and life.
It sounds like you have a very mature outlook on entering into relationships. Having a clear guideline of who you're looking for, and what you will and won't tolerate is a very healthy and positive practice. It means you won't settle for less than you're worth!
@@MendedLight Yes! Main challenge when though: seemingly being worth enough to be intimidating 😶 I'm not sure, is it me? I see a big longing for maturity, for healed personalities, for deep capacity for love and so on. But somehow, when you're somewhere more or less there, it's like being there isn't received much differently from a person with strong problems. Is this a known effect? I mean I guess you did talk about how good marriage for example is constant and hard work. I feel like that. I put in work in self-care. It's equivalent to my abilities as empath (etc.). Even in friendships: on the surface I'm very welcome. When I get some creative solution or say I want to attempt fixing something, great. But a step down the road, change is uncomfortable, my need for quiet becomes "abandonment" (even if I say from the start what it'll be like and what I can't do, cause I'll cease to function). My sight becomes annoyance even if I say nothing and don't judge. Because the "norm" is the expectation that to be seen = to be judged = pain. I'm too passive and quiet (listening, observing) but on days I come out let go and dance, I stand out too much, talk too much and "too deep". (It's not things I disregard in myself, by the way. It's a summary of feedbacks) Could we maybe have a video on how "wanting a good partner" and "the actual consequences of having a good partner that people tend to not want" relate? Be it "good partner" or "healed people" In the spiritual courses (even there 😅) I tend to stand out with my capacity for perception. Sometimes I was told... "I wish I could do this like you/ were as far as you". I always answered: "Yes, I have some blessings and put in work. But I'd be careful about wishing for any of it. Because unlike you I can't bear simple everyday [list of thing], people either don't see me or get intimidated by me just.... being. I see multiple layers at all times, I feel problems a year ahead and nobody believes me. I watch people walk into misery way ahead and there's absolutely nothing I can do since I have "no evidence"..... . It's very painful to get used to just.... being. Are you sure you'd want that asap? Take it slow? You have a choice to get there at your pace, unlike me? 😂" You can imagine the reactions. Meanwhile, here I am. As you mentioned, I know my worth and my baggage. Sharing myself "under worth" or with "overweight baggage" (based in the transportation's capacity lol) simply doesn't work. But why is it so difficult to find.... such people? Why is so much this broken and "in process of healing". I don't mean flawless people. I just mean people who a) know they need healing or adjustment on something b) have a set of healthy ways to self-care and communicate. I'm consciously looking! It's still rare to find for me it seems. Just like my INFP personality turning out to be low percentage of population (and I'm not considering it happy "I'm special" news). You Deckers are wonderful. And you bring in wonderful people. And I'd hope you see people walking out of therapy because they're really back in a place where self-help and searching solutions for yourself between partners functions again. How to ask this...... are there many good news? :'D Do people frequently manage to mature to a point where they thrive and have good communication even if it's still lots of work? Like you two and with your kids? I just sometimes require some small boost to feed to my "faith in humanity" monster 😂👾
You can't have a healthy relationship without trust. So in this scenario, you would break up the relationship but forgive the person, meaning you don't hold on to anger towards them. It is of course easier said than done.
I can tell you I rather die than to cheat on whoever my girlfriend at the time. As of now I have none but when I had I never ever cheated. Broke up when things didn't work. And it's not I didn't try to work on the relationship with my partner. One was not capable of making decisions- Yes together not together on off all the time. And I told her "Please don't do this to me. Do you think my heart is a game? Once yes once no take your time and make up your mind." And she didn't so it had to be done. And the other we had a complex relationship, so much that both of us decided it's no good at the romance level. At friendship level I am friends with both. And I had two other relationships also not successful. One of whom didn't cheat but lied to me constantly and I painfully found out.
for me, I make a point of trying to open myself for any emotional conversation my partner needs. Even if I might not like what they have to say, it is better to hear them out and have the conversation and see if we can work it out. However, I make it very clear that cheating is a hard boundary. If they cheat, we're done. That's it. That's just me though.. Everyone is different
Also, I have a friend who is dealing with infidelity. Her husband cheated on her which resulted in the conception of a child. In her case, having him have NO contact isn't really great because he still needs to take responsibility for the child. What do you recommend to those people? who want to save their marriage but now have to deal with a coparenting situation?
So what does remorse in equal measure look like then? I am obsessing over every stage of his addiction recovery, i cant enjoy things i used to like to do, i cry nearly every day and feel like crap every day. Is it realistic for me to expect as emotional of a show of remorse as my very visible pain?
I ended a 3 month relationship with a guy I meet online. He hide the fact that he is married. He literally ask if we can remain friends to continue doing the fun activities that we been without sexual activities..
Jono, my husband has been addicted to porn, as you have in the past. He seems so deeply sorry but says it is just a release. He says he sees it in “third person” whereas I see everything as “first person”. He can separate his actions from our relationship. Am I wrong to feel like he’s cheated on me?
Most people watch porn, it has nothing to do with cheating imo. However, you and your partner need to find a common definition of fidelity, otherwise it cannot work.
I am not a pro-porn person AT ALL and this just my opinion and I’m not a doctor! But I feel currently the internet makes it so easy to get porn it’s almost impossible to avoid and that makes it too easy to become addicted. Also, the social attitude is that most people see it as ok. Like alcohol or marijuana. So, you’re probably not going to convince your husband to give it up. On the other hand, like alcohol or marijuana, it’s probably not a problem unless it’s actively hurting people - but you’re actually being hurt so it’s a problem. (I personally think most of the porn industry does actually hurt people but that’s not a popular opinion.) I think the important point is it’s hurting *you*. If I were in your position I would get your husband to go to couples therapy with you to talk it through so you can find out what is the best way to address this. Maybe you find out you learn to accept his porn use or he learns he needs to break his addiction and works on himself with the therapist alone or together. Probably a bit of both. Wishing you all the best. ❤
I’m a two time cheater. ( porn) Finally realized that I was spiraling and needed to stop for my wellbeing. 210 days porn free stopped cold turkey, not a religious person but thank god my beautiful wife is allowing me to get the help and work on my issues. It’s hard but I hope she stays with me.
How could the cheater have changed, if he hasn't worked on himself, to heal the reason /trauma he cheated in the first place? And what if he doesnt think there is anything for him to heal from? It' would be useful if you could highlight how cheaters can heal from the reasons they cheated on. Some people just dont have that self awareness. Mine was secretly addicted to porn for 13 years and rejected/ blamed me for his disinterest in me. All the while he flirted with many women even in front of me, and had emotional things with many women. He doesnt understand that its his own insecurities that leads him to porn, and he has no idea or self awareness on how to heal from them.
It’s been 3 years since I found out. I used to swear on my life he’d never cheat. Maybe flirt but never cheat. Lol. Silly me 🤡 I found a photo back in 2019 of him and some girl on the beach and she’s kissing his cheek. I asked who she was, he said his co workers cousin. I chose to believe him. Fast forward a year. I find more photos. Of them together, and one lovely one of him and her naked in a hotel room. He’s sitting on the bed they just f***** in and she’s in the jacuzzi. I confronted him and he went off on me on going through his phone. Throughout the next few years, we’ve fought so much about it. He gets mad when I feel angry or sad about it and sometimes got violent; choking, biting, throwing me around etc. We’ve been together 10 years, it’s calmed down. But I still don’t trust him and I just wanna try to move forward. He’s chilled with the drinking which made him violent. But I just want to get to a place where I can trust him, and I’m terrified I won’t get there. He lets me look over at his phone and checks in a lot. He’s been more open also. I just wanna get past this.
he was abusive and you're still with him? cheating is one thing, but he doesn't care about your safety or wellbeing if he would choke or hurt you physically. even if he has stopped, the fact that he was capable of doing that in the first place is a red flag. also, if you don't trust him, there really isn't a relationship. I hope you can get help because you really deserve better than this.
He is a Narcissist or Sociopath do not tolerate any kind of abuse. Learn healthy boundaries and learn how to recognize abuse and abusers on early stages.
I'm wirh Kaia. Get tf out of this relationship! No one should ever be violent with you, if their drinking or not. It will get worse, the more he gets away with. Run, while you still can!
Question:.... Do you make sandwiches with all that baloney you are dishing out. Now, a glimpse into my world. You cheat.... You're gone. Just that fast, just that easy. IMHO, cheating is the ultimate form of disrespect, and should NEVER be tolerated.
So in my 6 year relationship when we first met he was ignoring me, he was talking to multiple girls and was emotionally cheating on me with his best female friend which he lied about having and then I found out he lied about having another social media with exes still on there and then I found underwear in his car and he forced his best friend onto me and she was staying at his house for two weeks. Soo I broke up with him and two weeks later I slept with my ex when drunk which was a mistake. I ended up back with the bf after two weeks after his best friend left and I told him what happened and he said I cheated and made me suffer for months and years after he even ripped my hair out and blamed me and honestly it was my fault for keep trying with such a toxic relationship and then now we have two toddlers 6 years later he still saying everything was my fault and using it as an excuse to justify his terrible actions he continues to do, any advice for this with children? I have thought about leaving and he threatens to take the kids away with his rich parents who have shown to do that with other kids how ever I pay all the rent and our kids things... How do I escape this?
Find a way to save up money to get you and your kids out of there. Look up women's shelter resources in your area. Your situation sounds like physical and financial abuse. Don't tell him your plans or your feelings anymore. Better to get your ducks in a row and leave quietly.
Call CPS or DSS. They will be able to assist you legally. You may get your kids taken for a while but they won’t be growing up in an unsafe environment (though foster care isn’t the best :/). If the kids are in danger their lives are more important than yours. Seek out to different resources, put down your pride, and record EVERYTHING. Build up proof and evidence. And most importantly, go to therapy.
Your video popped up on my YT homepage... I'm new to your channel/community. This situation actually happened to me, but I was the one who cheated and my husband found out about it by snooping through my phone! We're in couples therapy now and he wants to still make this marriage work (we have 3 girls together) but I just don't think that I can stay with him knowing what I did for the rest of my life. We've been married for 16yrs and I don't think I can be with him anymore and be unhappy...
So you cheat, he's willing to try and work it out so you agree to couples therapy but now you've made yourself a martyr "I don't think I can stay with him knowing what I did" making this your penace thus prolonging an already dead relationship you're unwilling to work on! You are either willing to work things out or you aren't! This self victimization of "I can't live with the guilt" needs to stop, its a crutch your using to justify your unwillingness to hash this out(regardless of the outcome, whether is to split or stay) Haven't you lied enough? For once be honest with someone you care/cared, love/loved at one point, be HONEST it aint that hard!
Why do you think that their past cheating isn't important if they've changed?!? Of course it is! They showed their true self. And they showed how little they care about *devastating* your life. Any relationship that I have now or will have in the future is based on past behavior in the relationship. The past literally created today and is the foundation for the future. Ignore the past, repeat the pain. And what's with the "forgiveness is for yourself" bullsh*t??? Everyone knows that's a platitude. And how is forgiveness for yourself if you "want the best for the other person." That doesn't help me! I'm not a Christian. And I don't believe in forgiveness! I couldn't let go of the anger, hatred, and bitterness even if I wanted to. So why should a cheater get a free pass?
I know it's kind of a platitude, but refusing to forgive really is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Forgiveness doesn't mean the cheater gets away with it -- and he doesn't; every relationship he's in will have at least one lousy cheater in it undermining his chances at happiness and a deep connection. But you don't have to stay bound to his fate, not forever. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I definitely don't mean to tell you that you have to forgive anyone, but I do hope you find freedom and peace, with a partner who deserves your loyalty and respect.
@@eyesofthecervino3366 Oh, they'll die from my bitterness and my lack of forgiveness alright. Because I poisoned their cup before I drank the bitter dregs myself. 😁
55 percent of divorces due to adultery. Divorces in America are 53%. In India divorce rate is less than 1%. Being done is a failed relationship where people don't have to stand up and show strength of character and live up to their marriage vows. India has strong families. There's something seriously wrong with American culture.
The divorce rate is less than 1% in India because most woman don't have the right to dissolve their marriages. Many, many women (and some men) are trapped in abusive relationships from which there is no legal escape. Men can domineer their wives without fear of losing them. India is a wonderful place with wonderful people, but let's not view the situation through rose-colored glasses.
@@MendedLight this is sadly true in other Asian countries, and a lot of people are ignorant of this fact source: child of separated parents who are still married but Dad lives with mistress than with his wife
Pass auf hübscher bevor sie an den Punkt kommen an dem reagiert wird sind sie weg ich hab den Herrn Kimmel angegriffen als es um mein Gangster System ging.
From a reformed cheater to a future or current cheater: if the grass is greener on the other side WATER YOUR EFFING LAWN!
Yep 100%. When a person cheats, they're just putting extra spots on their lawn that distract from the original lawn's issues. Fix those or find a different lawn (as in break up)
Thank you. My marriage survived my husband's having cheated once, and the experience taught him that the grass being greener elsewhere is just a trick of the light.
I was taught by my therapist that it's inappropriate to punish a person for having forgiven an affair but that people would treat me like a pariah and an outcast anyway. My therapist was right. At least my husband doesn't treat me that way because of his mistake, but it's true and it still hurts decades later.
@@poonyaTara do they really treat you differently because of that? If so why not just move?
@@poonyaTarasomeone would judge you if you had left him too. Judgy people are gonna judge.
@@poonyaTaraHow long did it take you to forgive?
I’ve been through a lot in my life.. at this point, I’m done tolerating people contributing to emotional and psychological traumas. If they cheat, I don’t care how many years we’ve been together, we’re through. My partner needs to be my safe space. If cheating happened, I know I’ll never be able to truly feel safe again in that relationship.
I agree.
Cheaters get no right to privacy.
And I get *all* my questions answered.
*ALL OF THEM.*
That includes every single intimate detail that I ask to know!
I don't care what experts say.
I'll already be reeling from this for years.
The damage has been done.
I don't care how uncomfortable it makes the cheater.
He *should be* uncomfortable telling me -- his lover -- what sex acts he performed with another woman.
I don't even care if his answers hurt me more.
No pain runs as deep as the betrayal he already chose to commit.
I want to know *exactly* what happened and why. Every detail.
Let him squirm.
Sure, I'll cry. But I'm already devastated.
I need to know what happened and why.
Honesty and transparency are neccesary.
Cheaters don't get to keep the secrets of their love affairs from their partner.
When my last partner cheated, he gave lots of excuses.
But one was that: "Porn makes me feel like I should be getting a different woman every day."
He watches some twisted porn.
That's sex that he wants, but I'm not willing to be treated like a sub-human sex toy.
So I want to know if he's living out his porn fantasies with other women.
How is that *not* relevant?
Why do experts even say not to ask for sexual details?
This is sexual betrayal! The details are relevant.
The details I've gotten from cheaters in the past and from the most recent cheater torture and haunt me.
But so does every single betrayal!
I have a vivid imagination.
If details about sex during the affair are not told to me, my mind will fill in the blank with worst case scenarios.
Better to know the Truth.
Who wants to be kept in the dark only to imagine and guess at the sexual details of their lover's betrayal?!?
I’m two weeks into recovery and it still hurts so much. We both agreed that what we have is worth saving. We’re in counseling and we’re both committed to making our marriage work. The pain of what he did still creeps up and it hurts like it just happened yesterday.😢
Wounds take time to heal and this is no different. I'm so glad to hear that you are both committed to working through this and healing together. Don't feel guilt at how hurt you are, or for needing time to process and get through it. Allow yourself to feel each emotion as it comes, acknowledge it and then gently put it aside if you can. I wish you all the best for your future.
I just watched and seen your comment. How are you really doing? I really hope you find your happiness and joy again. Biggest internet hugs.
6 weeks in for me, stay strong and keep fighting
Sorry that happened to you! You're amazing, and strong. I wish the best for your marriage
Something I've noticed is that cheating alters friendships as well, especially when the cheater plays the victim or blames the spouse or person they've had an affair with. Refusing to take responsibility for their actions can make friends doubt whether they can be trusted in general. It's sad, especially when so much can be fixed with honesty!
That's true, it can alter friendships. Honesty really does save a lot of time and trouble. It's also important to take responsibility for your actions - being accountable.
I was the cheater. I realized that I wasn’t good for myself. My trauma, my decisions and my actions, me being in my own way, & and not allowing myself to heal, caused more hurt and damage to not only my partner but their community. Hindsight being 20/20, I realize my mistakes and will never make them again. My work is mine alone. Vulnerability, positive intent/execution, humility, and mindfulness, are values I carry daily. Who I am today is not who I was. And I am still remorseful for the pain I’ve caused. TB I hope you continue to heal.
Thank you for this and your other videos with your wife. My ex cheated on me, was unapologetic and was on the fence about wanting to save our marriage. I knew when he was on the fence he was just bidding time. He left me for not the original girl, but a second one. I stayed in the marital home because I couldn't afford to move out. It was more traumatic than anything. He didn't care because at that point even though we were legally married still...to him it was just a piece of paper. He'd up and leave us for days at a time for his ap. It's been a little over a year since our divorce finalized. He's planning on marrying her. I'm still struggling to recover and get on my own two feet. A couple times I wanted to give up. It's been so hard. So this and your other recent video...listening to it helped some. So truly, thank you.
I'm so sorry you're going through this 🙏it's so traumatizing 😔.
Narcissists notorious bullies, they have no remorse, empathy nor compassion. What this therapist is describing doesn’t apply to your ex, because it’s sounds like your ex could be Narcissistic or Sociopathic.
It will only last for them if they meet their Narcissistic match who doesn’t care about them just as much.
You deserve better than a Narcissist, they aren’t able to love, they only can fake love temporarily.
So sorry for you and the new wife may want to re think her choice...
Everything you just said are the things I asked from my ex husband after he told me he had an affair and he just insisted on putting everything behind us. Then he was angry when I couldn’t move on or trust him anymore.
My first boyfriend I liked him for 2 years before we got together. When we did I guess I was his side piece. I did not know he had a girl friend until she tagged him in a post on Facebook. He was not only my first "boyfriend" but he was my my first sexually. I was 20 at the time. When I talked to him he admitted to me that I was just their when he could not "get any" from his girlfriend. I Was devastated. He had been there for me emotionally just fir his own personal gain. I was done with him forever and i told his girlfriend about what happened. Its been hard to heal. Its more like a memory then trauma now.
I am so sorry that happened to you. It is cruel when people use other people purely for their own pleasure. I am glad to hear that it is more like a memory for you than a trauma. That is a good sign of healing.
This is why we need to teach kids to learn and delay sexual gratification. A serious guy will wait, a narcissist will bail, if they push so fast to jump in bed with you then it’s a red flag 🚩
Thank you Jonathan for this incredibly valuable content. I wish I knew it all a couple of years ago, it would help me stop trying to rebuild a relationship with a person who was not trying hard enough to win my trust back...
You're welcome Anita, I hope that you are able to work towards healthier relationships now that you have our support! Wishing you all the best!!
This video was so helpful thank you. I feel like every other video I’d seen was shaming me for being on the fence about leaving. Thank you for speaking non judgmentally
It’s always harder when you have kids cause they pay the heaviest price.
Gosh, i would like to believe that when you see they are "devastated" because they hurt you they won't do it again because i've experienced that they actually do cheat and hurt you again. It's such a mindfuck.
Left my husband after 31 years of marriage & 2 wonderful kids. For me if I don’t have trust, I don’t have anything.
Same here! I’m glad some people can find healing as a couple. But I know for me once that trust is gone, it’s not coming back.
I would definitely say that the "right to privacy" side needs to be handled with care. In some situations I've seen with people, mainly since I came out as poly, is that people can take that too far and it turns into something like "they cheated so I have a right to abuse them" and that can perhaps have good intentions initially but it then becomes a self destructive cycle. A devils loop.
I agree. But I say that as someone who was cheated on and did not need access to my SO’s socials/texts to move forward. It was offered, but it didn’t make me feel better so I didn’t take it. Some people really need that; others want to punish the cheater; others get so carried away with insecurity that it turns into punishment even if that’s not their intention.
Lol I tried it. All and all I am proud of my growth and maturity- I didn’t go to anger first. I tried to ask questions that were informative of where the disconnect was and how we got there. I think he was prepared to use a bad reaction against me and he never got it. So, ultimately his cowardice was revealed- the first crack in that mask. He was telling me I was bitter or get angry when in would ask questions like “ do you think this relationship crosses a line?”
There were other things happening that I helped me understand better that there was no hope in holding on to that relationship, but for me discovering my ex’s infidelity was a moment where I feel really proud of myself. I left all my cards in the table. He just wasn’t capable of reciprocating any of that.
Good advice though! I still revisit the “betrayal” feeling and it’s been a big part of growing after all of the trauma of that relationship. It’s better on the other side, I’m finding…
I hope you are in a far better place now.
I'm sorry for the loss you experienced, the memories that became part of the past, the future that was forever going to be a dream and the moments that could have been.
I imagine it hurts terribly.
Personally, I would never go back to a cheater, not because I don't think they can change, but because I thinknthat type of betrayal would turn me bitter and angry and I would lash out on them. No one deserves the ways in which I become awful, once I feel entitled to that anger. I would feel entitled to be angry after someone cheated, so to preserve what once mattered, I would leave.
It could have been, due to different coincidences in life, nothing at all, you could have never met this person, and all that was good could have never happened.
It could have been nothing at all, and instead it was so much.
My questions are about getting answers from my wife. Everything that she's admitted to is basically stuff that I have pulled out of her. I caught onto what she was doing and basically monitored her cheating for several months to confirm things so I saw a lot of stuff. She is doing most of what she should be to help us reconcile but we are three years out from D-Day and I was trickle truthed the whole time. It is the lying that really gets me.
love you you are so blunt when talking about the person who cheated
I'd like to add that if they are truly remorseful, try not to shove it back in their face evertime you have an argument. Which would be part of the forgiveness. My husband emotionally cheated on me a few months after we were married, he showed true remorse and immediately told the other person that the messages had to stop, let me tell them that they needed to stop, and apologized profusely for months. I've only ever brought the situation up twice since it's happened and not in anger (basically just scared that it might happen again)and it still hurts him that he hurt me. So don't just throw it in their face if they are truly sorry just to get a reaction when you are mad. They were wrong but if they apologized and are remorseful and changed don't make them resent you by throwing a mistake back in their face.
Yes, I agree with this.
I need help with the forgiveness part…I mean maybe over time I can, but it seems so hard
I'd love to see a video like this but with the added spin of dealing with a partner that THINKS you're cheating or fears you're cheating when you're not. How far does one go to prove they aren't? Would transparency have a limit? Because when does it turn from being transparent to enabling them to be emotionally abusive/possessive? When does reassurance become toxic for the innocent party who is always accused of infidelity and isn't false accusation a sign that THAT partner is actually the one cheating? If the insecure party refused to get help what can a person do to stop the accusations without giving up their friends/life in order to show the insecure person that they are indeed faithful (especially if not proof seems to be good enough).
This is a really unhealthy relationship. Your partner has serious issues that are impacting your emotional wellbeing. A lot of times in life, people are illogical and irrational, even in the face of irrefutable concrete evidence. You can't "fix" this. I would break up with that person, because they don't respect you enough to believe you and you're just going to continue beating your head against a wall and losing everything good about yourself until you're just an empty shell.
Cheating doesn't have to end the relationship. I know several couples who worked through something like this and came out stronger on the other side. But it's hard, really hard. Both parties have to put in a lot of work to fix the relationship.
Remember one thing cheaters come from unstable environments, if they had turbulent childhoods unstable parents, broken homes. So they chase that fleeting feeling of love to fill the void that their parents didn’t provide them, they also terrified of abandonment because their parents betrayed them, if their parents betrayed them then they feel anybody can betray them therefore the relationship with such folks will be difficult because their emotions are driven by past trauma and any time they are confronted they ran and start new relationship with someone else because a new person doesn’t know their dramatic character and trauma yet.
So unless they worked on themselves to cure their lack of confidence and self esteem and past traumas they wouldn’t be able to form long lasting relationship.
I believe premarital counselling has to be mandatory so people would be aware of what usually goes wrong in a relationships and how to handle it.
You’re literally describing my ex 100% 👏🏻 hit the nail on the head
ANd some of them come from a loving, rock-solid upbringing.
He cheated on me in the house I was living in (sharing with friends), where he was staying over. Then got mad that I was waking the house up yelling. Yeah, nah.
That's disgusting behaviour. Glad you said "yeah nah" to him!
I want to make it work and he is trying but the pain and the reminders hurt. How do forgive when you are in so much pain?
Our FB, social media and phones etc etc are open. There's no reason to hide that unless you are planning a surprise party for your spouse, and then only while that is going on.
Neither of us feel the need to hide stuff and also, we aren't constantly looking at each other's social media, texts etc.
We weren't talking for few months but we live in the same house. I offered couples counseling he finally agreed so that I would shut up because he isn't serious about counseling. He said he will go to 3 sessions. What? 3 sessions? It's a process not a number. Also he's refusing to answer if he's seeing someone else. I think he is because I see him going out and I saw scorecard from game night with some Stephanie name on it. But he's not answering if he's dating. Who the hell is Stephanie? How can counseling work with someone like him. I'm wasting my time
I am watching The World Of The Married (Korean Drama) and I am currently on the last episode. This could have helped the second lead couple so much with dealing with triggers that lead to doubts.
Here context was very important for the healing. There was some outside trauma involved, and paradoxically the rebuild of trust was harder on the side of the cheater than on the side of the cheated on. The fear of "getting even" was very real. That was a long time ago though, and we are doing very well now.
Thankfully I haven't. But then again I'm so incredibly picky and hesitent in starting a relationship (again) that the partner(s) I pick is/are very unlikely to be up for cheating, by the default of their character X'D I'm also way too likely to notice if anything is wrong with them or us. My perception is even sharper than sharp when it comes to the person I love, because my need for us to be OK is high.
One thing I do have on my list when starting out, though, is to talk about the "what if". And that means for me to open that door that they come to me if they mess up with anything. Because they shall know beforehand I'm more than capable to hear them out calmly and work through the mess with them (with emotions break in private, if necessary LOL). They'll know that I embrace the human conditionn being a mess. But they'll also know that the damage of not talking timely will by far exede the consequences of talking about it, no matter how messy. With my tolerance levels, I can deal with way too much, too well, to tollerate the betrayal of said tolerance.
I can rebuild trust if they trust me enough to come in with their confessions.
I can probably do less than most people in rebuilding trust, when I'm not trusted with this much.
If my partner cannot process just HOW safe they are within my proximity, as they are (even just going by the fact I committed in first place), then there's absolutely nothing to safe. Since they never knew me in first place and/or didn't have the means to commit to begin with.
It's probably good to mention that this is rather specific due to my character, setup and life.
It sounds like you have a very mature outlook on entering into relationships. Having a clear guideline of who you're looking for, and what you will and won't tolerate is a very healthy and positive practice. It means you won't settle for less than you're worth!
@@MendedLight Yes! Main challenge when though: seemingly being worth enough to be intimidating 😶
I'm not sure, is it me? I see a big longing for maturity, for healed personalities, for deep capacity for love and so on. But somehow, when you're somewhere more or less there, it's like being there isn't received much differently from a person with strong problems. Is this a known effect? I mean I guess you did talk about how good marriage for example is constant and hard work.
I feel like that. I put in work in self-care. It's equivalent to my abilities as empath (etc.). Even in friendships: on the surface I'm very welcome. When I get some creative solution or say I want to attempt fixing something, great. But a step down the road, change is uncomfortable, my need for quiet becomes "abandonment" (even if I say from the start what it'll be like and what I can't do, cause I'll cease to function). My sight becomes annoyance even if I say nothing and don't judge. Because the "norm" is the expectation that to be seen = to be judged = pain. I'm too passive and quiet (listening, observing) but on days I come out let go and dance, I stand out too much, talk too much and "too deep". (It's not things I disregard in myself, by the way. It's a summary of feedbacks)
Could we maybe have a video on how "wanting a good partner" and "the actual consequences of having a good partner that people tend to not want" relate? Be it "good partner" or "healed people"
In the spiritual courses (even there 😅) I tend to stand out with my capacity for perception. Sometimes I was told...
"I wish I could do this like you/ were as far as you".
I always answered: "Yes, I have some blessings and put in work. But I'd be careful about wishing for any of it. Because unlike you I can't bear simple everyday [list of thing], people either don't see me or get intimidated by me just.... being. I see multiple layers at all times, I feel problems a year ahead and nobody believes me. I watch people walk into misery way ahead and there's absolutely nothing I can do since I have "no evidence"..... . It's very painful to get used to just.... being. Are you sure you'd want that asap? Take it slow? You have a choice to get there at your pace, unlike me? 😂"
You can imagine the reactions.
Meanwhile, here I am. As you mentioned, I know my worth and my baggage. Sharing myself "under worth" or with "overweight baggage" (based in the transportation's capacity lol) simply doesn't work. But why is it so difficult to find.... such people? Why is so much this broken and "in process of healing". I don't mean flawless people. I just mean people who a) know they need healing or adjustment on something b) have a set of healthy ways to self-care and communicate.
I'm consciously looking! It's still rare to find for me it seems. Just like my INFP personality turning out to be low percentage of population (and I'm not considering it happy "I'm special" news).
You Deckers are wonderful. And you bring in wonderful people. And I'd hope you see people walking out of therapy because they're really back in a place where self-help and searching solutions for yourself between partners functions again.
How to ask this...... are there many good news? :'D Do people frequently manage to mature to a point where they thrive and have good communication even if it's still lots of work? Like you two and with your kids?
I just sometimes require some small boost to feed to my "faith in humanity" monster 😂👾
What does it mean if it’s happened so many times that you just don’t hurt from it anymore?
What does forgiveness look like if it doesn’t involve trust? Does forgiveness mean forgetting? Does it mean if it happens again, that’s it?
You can't have a healthy relationship without trust. So in this scenario, you would break up the relationship but forgive the person, meaning you don't hold on to anger towards them. It is of course easier said than done.
I can tell you I rather die than to cheat on whoever my girlfriend at the time. As of now I have none but when I had I never ever cheated. Broke up when things didn't work. And it's not I didn't try to work on the relationship with my partner. One was not capable of making decisions- Yes together not together on off all the time. And I told her "Please don't do this to me. Do you think my heart is a game? Once yes once no take your time and make up your mind." And she didn't so it had to be done. And the other we had a complex relationship, so much that both of us decided it's no good at the romance level. At friendship level I am friends with both. And I had two other relationships also not successful. One of whom didn't cheat but lied to me constantly and I painfully found out.
I’m gutted because my ex cheated . He was in a 7 month relationship with me meanwhile he had a gf of 2 years . I’m struggling because I did not know
for me, I make a point of trying to open myself for any emotional conversation my partner needs. Even if I might not like what they have to say, it is better to hear them out and have the conversation and see if we can work it out.
However, I make it very clear that cheating is a hard boundary. If they cheat, we're done. That's it.
That's just me though..
Everyone is different
Good stuff jonno
Thanks Cody!
Also, I have a friend who is dealing with infidelity. Her husband cheated on her which resulted in the conception of a child. In her case, having him have NO contact isn't really great because he still needs to take responsibility for the child. What do you recommend to those people? who want to save their marriage but now have to deal with a coparenting situation?
Thanks answered my question in the first min.
So what does remorse in equal measure look like then?
I am obsessing over every stage of his addiction recovery, i cant enjoy things i used to like to do, i cry nearly every day and feel like crap every day.
Is it realistic for me to expect as emotional of a show of remorse as my very visible pain?
I ended a 3 month relationship with a guy I meet online. He hide the fact that he is married.
He literally ask if we can remain friends to continue doing the fun activities that we been without sexual activities..
Jono, my husband has been addicted to porn, as you have in the past. He seems so deeply sorry but says it is just a release. He says he sees it in “third person” whereas I see everything as “first person”. He can separate his actions from our relationship. Am I wrong to feel like he’s cheated on me?
Most people watch porn, it has nothing to do with cheating imo. However, you and your partner need to find a common definition of fidelity, otherwise it cannot work.
Well is it just watching porn or watching live cam girls and then moving to private rooms and chatting online too?
I am not a pro-porn person AT ALL and this just my opinion and I’m not a doctor! But I feel currently the internet makes it so easy to get porn it’s almost impossible to avoid and that makes it too easy to become addicted. Also, the social attitude is that most people see it as ok. Like alcohol or marijuana. So, you’re probably not going to convince your husband to give it up. On the other hand, like alcohol or marijuana, it’s probably not a problem unless it’s actively hurting people - but you’re actually being hurt so it’s a problem. (I personally think most of the porn industry does actually hurt people but that’s not a popular opinion.) I think the important point is it’s hurting *you*. If I were in your position I would get your husband to go to couples therapy with you to talk it through so you can find out what is the best way to address this. Maybe you find out you learn to accept his porn use or he learns he needs to break his addiction and works on himself with the therapist alone or together. Probably a bit of both. Wishing you all the best. ❤
What about when it's been swept under the rug for the last 20 yrs due to kids and necessity?
Somehow we do like each other I think.
Uh my cheating husband doesnt watch videos i send to him so this is most likely not gonna be watched.
I’m a two time cheater. ( porn) Finally realized that I was spiraling and needed to stop for my wellbeing. 210 days porn free stopped cold turkey, not a religious person but thank god my beautiful wife is allowing me to get the help and work on my issues. It’s hard but I hope she stays with me.
How could the cheater have changed, if he hasn't worked on himself, to heal the reason /trauma he cheated in the first place? And what if he doesnt think there is anything for him to heal from? It' would be useful if you could highlight how cheaters can heal from the reasons they cheated on. Some people just dont have that self awareness. Mine was secretly addicted to porn for 13 years and rejected/ blamed me for his disinterest in me. All the while he flirted with many women even in front of me, and had emotional things with many women. He doesnt understand that its his own insecurities that leads him to porn, and he has no idea or self awareness on how to heal from them.
It’s been 3 years since I found out. I used to swear on my life he’d never cheat. Maybe flirt but never cheat. Lol. Silly me 🤡
I found a photo back in 2019 of him and some girl on the beach and she’s kissing his cheek. I asked who she was, he said his co workers cousin.
I chose to believe him.
Fast forward a year. I find more photos. Of them together, and one lovely one of him and her naked in a hotel room. He’s sitting on the bed they just f***** in and she’s in the jacuzzi.
I confronted him and he went off on me on going through his phone.
Throughout the next few years, we’ve fought so much about it. He gets mad when I feel angry or sad about it and sometimes got violent; choking, biting, throwing me around etc.
We’ve been together 10 years, it’s calmed down. But I still don’t trust him and I just wanna try to move forward. He’s chilled with the drinking which made him violent. But I just want to get to a place where I can trust him, and I’m terrified I won’t get there. He lets me look over at his phone and checks in a lot. He’s been more open also. I just wanna get past this.
he was abusive and you're still with him? cheating is one thing, but he doesn't care about your safety or wellbeing if he would choke or hurt you physically. even if he has stopped, the fact that he was capable of doing that in the first place is a red flag.
also, if you don't trust him, there really isn't a relationship. I hope you can get help because you really deserve better than this.
Dump his ass
He is a Narcissist or Sociopath do not tolerate any kind of abuse. Learn healthy boundaries and learn how to recognize abuse and abusers on early stages.
I'm wirh Kaia. Get tf out of this relationship! No one should ever be violent with you, if their drinking or not. It will get worse, the more he gets away with. Run, while you still can!
Jesus Christ girl don't be a doormat, leave him
Please be careful with assumptions. I didn’t know he was married.
You didn’t vet him proper.
Question:.... Do you make sandwiches with all that baloney you are dishing out.
Now, a glimpse into my world.
You cheat.... You're gone.
Just that fast, just that easy.
IMHO, cheating is the ultimate form of disrespect, and should NEVER be tolerated.
So in my 6 year relationship when we first met he was ignoring me, he was talking to multiple girls and was emotionally cheating on me with his best female friend which he lied about having and then I found out he lied about having another social media with exes still on there and then I found underwear in his car and he forced his best friend onto me and she was staying at his house for two weeks. Soo I broke up with him and two weeks later I slept with my ex when drunk which was a mistake. I ended up back with the bf after two weeks after his best friend left and I told him what happened and he said I cheated and made me suffer for months and years after he even ripped my hair out and blamed me and honestly it was my fault for keep trying with such a toxic relationship and then now we have two toddlers 6 years later he still saying everything was my fault and using it as an excuse to justify his terrible actions he continues to do, any advice for this with children? I have thought about leaving and he threatens to take the kids away with his rich parents who have shown to do that with other kids how ever I pay all the rent and our kids things... How do I escape this?
Find a way to save up money to get you and your kids out of there. Look up women's shelter resources in your area. Your situation sounds like physical and financial abuse. Don't tell him your plans or your feelings anymore. Better to get your ducks in a row and leave quietly.
Call CPS or DSS. They will be able to assist you legally. You may get your kids taken for a while but they won’t be growing up in an unsafe environment (though foster care isn’t the best :/). If the kids are in danger their lives are more important than yours. Seek out to different resources, put down your pride, and record EVERYTHING. Build up proof and evidence. And most importantly, go to therapy.
Your video popped up on my YT homepage... I'm new to your channel/community. This situation actually happened to me, but I was the one who cheated and my husband found out about it by snooping through my phone! We're in couples therapy now and he wants to still make this marriage work (we have 3 girls together) but I just don't think that I can stay with him knowing what I did for the rest of my life. We've been married for 16yrs and I don't think I can be with him anymore and be unhappy...
So you cheat, he's willing to try and work it out so you agree to couples therapy but now you've made yourself a martyr "I don't think I can stay with him knowing what I did" making this your penace thus prolonging an already dead relationship you're unwilling to work on!
You are either willing to work things out or you aren't!
This self victimization of "I can't live with the guilt" needs to stop, its a crutch your using to justify your unwillingness to hash this out(regardless of the outcome, whether is to split or stay)
Haven't you lied enough? For once be honest with someone you care/cared, love/loved at one point, be HONEST it aint that hard!
Turned to you please respond
Dann hab ich irgewann mal eine überdosis gehabt und war jahrelang drauf raum und zeit ja.
Der Polizist wollte mich nur beruhigen, glaub ich oder so, das war eine staatliche Maßnahme oder sowas😳
Why do you think that their past cheating isn't important if they've changed?!?
Of course it is!
They showed their true self.
And they showed how little they care about *devastating* your life.
Any relationship that I have now or will have in the future is based on past behavior in the relationship.
The past literally created today and is the foundation for the future.
Ignore the past, repeat the pain.
And what's with the "forgiveness is for yourself" bullsh*t???
Everyone knows that's a platitude.
And how is forgiveness for yourself if you "want the best for the other person."
That doesn't help me!
I'm not a Christian.
And I don't believe in forgiveness!
I couldn't let go of the anger, hatred, and bitterness even if I wanted to.
So why should a cheater get a free pass?
I know it's kind of a platitude, but refusing to forgive really is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Forgiveness doesn't mean the cheater gets away with it -- and he doesn't; every relationship he's in will have at least one lousy cheater in it undermining his chances at happiness and a deep connection. But you don't have to stay bound to his fate, not forever. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I definitely don't mean to tell you that you have to forgive anyone, but I do hope you find freedom and peace, with a partner who deserves your loyalty and respect.
@@eyesofthecervino3366
Oh, they'll die from my bitterness and my lack of forgiveness alright.
Because I poisoned their cup before I drank the bitter dregs myself. 😁
Mdma 🙄
Er nahm mich von hinten 😳😏
Aber lügen kann sexy sein😏
55 percent of divorces due to adultery. Divorces in America are 53%. In India divorce rate is less than 1%. Being done is a failed relationship where people don't have to stand up and show strength of character and live up to their marriage vows. India has strong families. There's something seriously wrong with American culture.
The divorce rate is less than 1% in India because most woman don't have the right to dissolve their marriages. Many, many women (and some men) are trapped in abusive relationships from which there is no legal escape. Men can domineer their wives without fear of losing them. India is a wonderful place with wonderful people, but let's not view the situation through rose-colored glasses.
@@MendedLight this is sadly true in other Asian countries, and a lot of people are ignorant of this fact
source: child of separated parents who are still married but Dad lives with mistress than with his wife
Pass auf hübscher bevor sie an den Punkt kommen an dem reagiert wird sind sie weg ich hab den Herrn Kimmel angegriffen als es um mein Gangster System ging.