Hi Jonathan. I wrote almost a whole page worth of words and was about to hit the comment button but decided not to share. Writing it all out was therapeutic enough. Thank you for this video. It helped mend the exact feeling I felt right now as I get my mind prepared before starting my work. I appreciate you.
Best advice I ever got after my boyfriend cheated on me for 2 months and then dumped me was from Greg Behrendt's _It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken_ : "Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears." After I read that, I stopped crying and started loving myself more
Communication is key to healing. Forgiveness for self and all involved. I was soo angry in the start. A few days later, I’m yelling at him listing off dates and times. He gaslite me at those time. I took a deep breath and centred myself. I was calm, like being in the eye of the storm. Looked up and said ‘Go. Go and be happy. You are not happy with me anymore and I just want you happy. Just go and be happy.’ Create your own path. Only you can make you happy.
I was 17 years old when my oldest brother was finally arrested and charged with felony accounts of child abuse in 3 states. I always struggled with my brother and the way he treated my baby sister and I when we were growing up. And. As much as it broke my heart, I was relieved when he was arrested. To this day I still struggle with my relationship with him. I think he instilled a lot of incorrect ideas about what healthy relationships should look like. There are times when I'm doing some simple mundane task like folding a towel, and I feel like he's standing right behind me ready to judge me ready to punish me. I appreciate a safe place to share the painful, secret experiences and area of my life I've hid away for so many years. My brother always insisted on complete submission and obedience and was so full of arrogace. No man was as "good" as my brother. I always felt/feel such guilt whenever I was/am attracted or aroused by another man. I find myself eventually comparing them all to my brother. This absolutely affects my relationships with others. I really appreciate a safe place to share, let go, and heal. Thank you Mended Light
😢 Wow, what a vulnerable share. I am glad that he was arrested and prevented from continuing such abhorrent behavior. I was s3xually abused by my half-brother when I was a kid, and did not find out until about 10 years ago that he had also abused my other brother. He was never arrested or held accountable. And I trusted him, and it was all so confusing to my heart and nervous system as a child. In the 70's, it was difficult to get any real support for things like that. It took me a few decades to really be free from all that hurt. I hope you continue to heal and find ways to love yourself and connect in a healthy way with people. May your journey be fruitful. 🤗
I definitely like what you said about the greatest "revenge" being just to make yourself healthy & stable & it's definitely true. It applies to essentially anyone doing you seriously wrong. Thing is, sometimes when someone is truly vile, they'll try to egg you on by purposefully hurting you more to drag you back into it, like a bully trying to get a reaction out of you. In the moment when you get so angry (and it should be noted that anger is a secondary emotion, a response to fear &/or hurt), it can be so easy to get defensive (which I'm sure we've all justifiably felt at some point, no shame in that of course), and thus it's easy to potentially lash out back at them, seeing it as a defense. And while that can be indeed a justifiable defense depending on the situation... at the end of the day, while it may feel better in the short term, in the long run it's actually not fulfilling. Hours or days or so later, you're likely bound to feel like you've sunken to their level, questioning what you're really like. That's the false narrative confusion they're trying to put you in, but you always have the power to leave it and never put yourself into it, no matter how bad it feels. When you leave it, when you disengage from them and get out asap, they have no power over you and you've completely foiled them as they deserve. It's like a post I found on Tumblr some few years back, talking about dealing with "Anon hate" (Anonymous hate messages). The "Anon" bully obviously sends the message to hurt you, and you may want to respond to say something as simple as "Fuck off, I'm not like that", but the reality is, you already know you're not like that, so why bother giving the anon the satisfaction of your response? They don't deserve your time of day. The post I'm thinking of said to think of how that anon may act so bold and mighty at first by sending it, but in reality, especially the more that time goes on without you ever responding, they're just some rando stewing over a keyboard, agonizing that their hit could never land and that you still have your whole life. That's on them, not you. The reality is, no one deserves to be hurt like that, and you do have it within you to free yourself from it. Always.
I understand that these practices can be applied to many circumstances but could you possibly specifically address betrayal outside of a romantic / sexual relationship? Specifically emotional or financial betrayal involving close friend or family member. How do you cope with that sort of betrayal especially when it's someone who you still have to be around because of your family or long-term friend ties? Thank you
Family is one thing (especially if you're living with them) but you can most certainly cut off long-term friends. Tenure shouldn't play a factor if they've crossed a boundary so egregiously. If it's due to sharing the same social circle with other close friends, let them know the situation as objectively as possible. If I was in that friend circle, I'd damn well want to know if someone in my circle did that. If you're living with this friend then that does change things. But my main point being, don't let the fact that you've been friends with someone for X amount of time away your judgement on what they've done; please don't fall into the sunk-cost fallacy. It sounds to me that what they've done is pretty serious. By all means, feel free to give them one more chance but making clear your boundaries on the matter. If they cross it again, you truly don't need them in your life. You'd be better off without them. I'm about to cut off a friendship of 5 years since I've noticed a persistent negative impact on my mental health due to this bond. I know 5 years isn't incredibly long, but what we've told each other is a lot, personally speaking. Regardless, it needs to be done. I hope you have the courage to do what needs to be done. Wishing you all the best ❤️
I want to forget it and move on. My husband is sorry and he is trying but I am so happy then he something happens then the pain just coming back like a flood.
Hello! This is a video suggestions for “ask a therapist”. Can you do a video on “how to date healthy in an age of apps” with the “swipe right culture” I feel like it hasn’t been addressed, specially still in Pandemic mode. Dating isn’t what it used to be but, it’s not what it could be. Also, maybe doing a video on “how to date when you’ve gone through past trauma” somethings are always with you, even when you’ve worked through them. How do you bring that up in a relationship? Thanks! Love the work that you’re doing. 💕💕 cinematherapy. Your light is shining bright and it’s helping spark those around you. Thank you SO much for burning bright for all to see.
There are so many quotable lines from this video, I'm being blown away by almost every sentence coming out of Jono's mouth. I haven't been cheated on but I've suffered a deep betrayal of trust. And it can truly break you, as it did me for a time. But like Jono says, you *make* meaning from it. I read Viktor Frankl's book, Man's search for meaning, which discusses his experiences during the second world war and how he managed to survive such a horrific experience. Finding meaning to the pain is such a powerful therapeutic tool as Jono is discussing here. See this as a learning experience. This has given you the opportunity to empathise with people who've been through what you've been through. It's helped you grow. You can support others through their experiences of strife. And that's such an unbelievably beautiful thing. That's what I feel Jono does as his occupation, and he inspires me to do the same once I become an LMFT (or Systematic Family Therapist over here in the UK.) I strive to be like you, in my own way of course. I really do hope you or Alicia see this, I appreciate the work you guys do on this channel. All my love and respect 💛 Yours truly, An Internet Stranger
I know for me when I decided to forgive my ex and tell him while he’s not allowed back in my life he is forgiven that my trauma symptoms starting getting way better for the first time in 6 months i don’t hear hear the screaming or have flashbacks when i think about the day i found out. Forgiving him felt like pouring alcohol on an open wound, stung like hell, but now I’m healing much better now.
Listening to this content feels like a massage to the brain. Thank you for helping me knead out the knots and toxins so I can release my tension and heal 😌
I became very avoidant due to traumatic betrayals early on in life and it took a long time to see that - I had buried how I really felt and just disconnected from the pain hoping to ignore it and move on. Unfortunately that means any time I feel there is trouble in a relationship then I shut off creating a shell , plus I became drawn to other avoidants - an imminent, predictable end being more desirable than a surprise end. But realising this finally I’m able to communicate that with my partner and he is so amazing at reconnecting with me - he drops the line into the well so I can climb my way back out rather than stay huddled away in the dark.
I'm so glad that you're now able to communicate with your boyfriend, and even better, the fact that he can reconnect with you. That sounds incredibly healing, I hope you two are going on stronger than ever ❤️
What about “emotional affairs”? Is that still cheating? Infidelity? If one person believes it is, and the other doesn’t see it as cheating how can there be healing?
Hi Jennifer, Jonathan just uploaded a video about Olivia Rodrigo's song Traitor in which he very eloquently said this about infidelity: Infidelity is when a need is being met outside a relationship which should be reserved for only in the relationship. My ex partner cheated on me, emotionally, long before he cheated physically. He didn't acknowledge the emotional cheating. I know how much it hurts when your partner cheats and then also pretends or believes that it isn't cheating. I don't know your situation and where youre at 3 months later, but I just wanted to acknowledge you. Your partner crossed a line and your feelings are valid. You are not crazy and you are worthy. I'm sending you love, light and a safe healing space
3:51 and forward. I was cheated on and they vehemently said they would never do that.. that the entire way (and the days up to, planing, searching online where they could go etc) he said that only one thing entered his mind “this is for her sake” (because I couldn’t have s€x as often - though more than he allowed me becauee “I want to protect you from pain” whereas on my good days and less painful days he would refuse to listen to me, stating over and over we couldn’t because he “knew” I was in more pain than I told him 😥😓) so yeah, he “did it for my sake”. Thank you for these words of wisdom. It hit too dang hard so I have to pause and watch the rest later.
What is the difference between forgiveness and just letting it go? Is there a difference? If I decide to just not give it anymore thought or energy, just let it go and move on but also be honest that I do not forgive him, what's the difference?
U let yourself off the hook so that you can heal. The betrayer is still on the hook with God. Behavior won’t change unless it’s Devine intervention, like alcoholism it’s not going away without dying to self. If you can’t forgive, ask God to forgive them.
How do you heal and get closure as a victim of abuse and manipulation? I had an abuser and even now, years after leaving, I still feel a lot of deep hurt and trauma, and feel unresolved. But obviously i cant and wont open that door to let the abuser back in.. So im not sure what to do
I guess I don't understand what forgiveness is then, exactly? My husband cheated on me two years ago, and we're doing well in reconciliation. I decided early on that I would never forgive him. I don't hate him, I've never held his infidelity over his head, and I don't plan on vengeance. Is that by itself forgiveness? I figured not forgiving him meant that I'll never love in unconditionally again. Like, instead of loving him in that Disney-type BS way I felt before, I'm making a conscious choice to love him every day. Full disclosure, I absolutely have my own issues I'm working out in therapy, I have difficulty feeling and identifying certain emotions, so I may have no idea what I'm talking about.
Hi Jonathan. Can I set up an appointment with you? I have a child with an ex who cheated on me and I don't want that to have a negative affect on my baby. Please help. I tries signing up for your course online but couldn't figure it out. Do you have an office or business number?
I liked this a lot! Especially the part of joy and happiness was very interesting. I didn't notice I'm also making that difference within myself. Or rather: I wasn't sure how to verbalise it. Joy is indeed deeper and it can exist amongst the rubble. Like being in a devastated town but seeing a little survived flower. It's not like the devastation is gone, or the cleanup work gone. But there's hope to be found in the most unexpected places, through joy over unexpected simple beauty of life BECAUSE it exists in an unlikely place. If we can find it in us to give it a bittersweet smile and move on, rather than feeling insulted by the existence of joy in a place of misery, then we're that one important first step into a healing chance.
That's amazing and all considering this changed my entire outlook, but can we notice (edit: AND APPRECIATE) how THICC Jonathan is looking in the thumbnail 🥵🥵🥵
Im making a confession. I have a problem. Please dont hate me for what im about to say. There are people who are married that i have wanted to find a way to have an affair with them. I hate myself for it and i dont know how to make those feelings go away. I deal by isolating. If Im isolated then it wont happen. Its a fantasy and a nightmare. Right now its only thoughts but thoughts lead to actions. I want to apologize for my thoughts. Thanks for listening.
Hi Jonathan. I wrote almost a whole page worth of words and was about to hit the comment button but decided not to share. Writing it all out was therapeutic enough. Thank you for this video. It helped mend the exact feeling I felt right now as I get my mind prepared before starting my work. I appreciate you.
Best advice I ever got after my boyfriend cheated on me for 2 months and then dumped me was from Greg Behrendt's _It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken_ : "Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears." After I read that, I stopped crying and started loving myself more
Communication is key to healing. Forgiveness for self and all involved. I was soo angry in the start. A few days later, I’m yelling at him listing off dates and times. He gaslite me at those time. I took a deep breath and centred myself. I was calm, like being in the eye of the storm. Looked up and said ‘Go. Go and be happy. You are not happy with me anymore and I just want you happy. Just go and be happy.’
Create your own path. Only you can make you happy.
I was 17 years old when my oldest brother was finally arrested and charged with felony accounts of child abuse in 3 states. I always struggled with my brother and the way he treated my baby sister and I when we were growing up. And. As much as it broke my heart, I was relieved when he was arrested. To this day I still struggle with my relationship with him. I think he instilled a lot of incorrect ideas about what healthy relationships should look like. There are times when I'm doing some simple mundane task like folding a towel, and I feel like he's standing right behind me ready to judge me ready to punish me. I appreciate a safe place to share the painful, secret experiences and area of my life I've hid away for so many years. My brother always insisted on complete submission and obedience and was so full of arrogace. No man was as "good" as my brother. I always felt/feel such guilt whenever I was/am attracted or aroused by another man. I find myself eventually comparing them all to my brother. This absolutely affects my relationships with others. I really appreciate a safe place to share, let go, and heal. Thank you Mended Light
😢 Wow, what a vulnerable share. I am glad that he was arrested and prevented from continuing such abhorrent behavior.
I was s3xually abused by my half-brother when I was a kid, and did not find out until about 10 years ago that he had also abused my other brother. He was never arrested or held accountable. And I trusted him, and it was all so confusing to my heart and nervous system as a child. In the 70's, it was difficult to get any real support for things like that. It took me a few decades to really be free from all that hurt.
I hope you continue to heal and find ways to love yourself and connect in a healthy way with people. May your journey be fruitful. 🤗
I definitely like what you said about the greatest "revenge" being just to make yourself healthy & stable & it's definitely true. It applies to essentially anyone doing you seriously wrong. Thing is, sometimes when someone is truly vile, they'll try to egg you on by purposefully hurting you more to drag you back into it, like a bully trying to get a reaction out of you.
In the moment when you get so angry (and it should be noted that anger is a secondary emotion, a response to fear &/or hurt), it can be so easy to get defensive (which I'm sure we've all justifiably felt at some point, no shame in that of course), and thus it's easy to potentially lash out back at them, seeing it as a defense.
And while that can be indeed a justifiable defense depending on the situation... at the end of the day, while it may feel better in the short term, in the long run it's actually not fulfilling. Hours or days or so later, you're likely bound to feel like you've sunken to their level, questioning what you're really like. That's the false narrative confusion they're trying to put you in, but you always have the power to leave it and never put yourself into it, no matter how bad it feels.
When you leave it, when you disengage from them and get out asap, they have no power over you and you've completely foiled them as they deserve.
It's like a post I found on Tumblr some few years back, talking about dealing with "Anon hate" (Anonymous hate messages). The "Anon" bully obviously sends the message to hurt you, and you may want to respond to say something as simple as "Fuck off, I'm not like that", but the reality is, you already know you're not like that, so why bother giving the anon the satisfaction of your response? They don't deserve your time of day.
The post I'm thinking of said to think of how that anon may act so bold and mighty at first by sending it, but in reality, especially the more that time goes on without you ever responding, they're just some rando stewing over a keyboard, agonizing that their hit could never land and that you still have your whole life. That's on them, not you. The reality is, no one deserves to be hurt like that, and you do have it within you to free yourself from it. Always.
I understand that these practices can be applied to many circumstances but could you possibly specifically address betrayal outside of a romantic / sexual relationship? Specifically emotional or financial betrayal involving close friend or family member. How do you cope with that sort of betrayal especially when it's someone who you still have to be around because of your family or long-term friend ties? Thank you
Family is one thing (especially if you're living with them) but you can most certainly cut off long-term friends. Tenure shouldn't play a factor if they've crossed a boundary so egregiously. If it's due to sharing the same social circle with other close friends, let them know the situation as objectively as possible. If I was in that friend circle, I'd damn well want to know if someone in my circle did that. If you're living with this friend then that does change things. But my main point being, don't let the fact that you've been friends with someone for X amount of time away your judgement on what they've done; please don't fall into the sunk-cost fallacy. It sounds to me that what they've done is pretty serious. By all means, feel free to give them one more chance but making clear your boundaries on the matter. If they cross it again, you truly don't need them in your life. You'd be better off without them.
I'm about to cut off a friendship of 5 years since I've noticed a persistent negative impact on my mental health due to this bond. I know 5 years isn't incredibly long, but what we've told each other is a lot, personally speaking. Regardless, it needs to be done.
I hope you have the courage to do what needs to be done. Wishing you all the best ❤️
I want to forget it and move on. My husband is sorry and he is trying but I am so happy then he something happens then the pain just coming back like a flood.
Hello! This is a video suggestions for “ask a therapist”. Can you do a video on “how to date healthy in an age of apps” with the “swipe right culture” I feel like it hasn’t been addressed, specially still in Pandemic mode. Dating isn’t what it used to be but, it’s not what it could be. Also, maybe doing a video on “how to date when you’ve gone through past trauma” somethings are always with you, even when you’ve worked through them. How do you bring that up in a relationship?
Thanks! Love the work that you’re doing. 💕💕 cinematherapy. Your light is shining bright and it’s helping spark those around you. Thank you SO much for burning bright for all to see.
The thumbnail for this video now lives rent free inside my head.
There are so many quotable lines from this video, I'm being blown away by almost every sentence coming out of Jono's mouth. I haven't been cheated on but I've suffered a deep betrayal of trust. And it can truly break you, as it did me for a time. But like Jono says, you *make* meaning from it. I read Viktor Frankl's book, Man's search for meaning, which discusses his experiences during the second world war and how he managed to survive such a horrific experience. Finding meaning to the pain is such a powerful therapeutic tool as Jono is discussing here. See this as a learning experience. This has given you the opportunity to empathise with people who've been through what you've been through. It's helped you grow. You can support others through their experiences of strife. And that's such an unbelievably beautiful thing. That's what I feel Jono does as his occupation, and he inspires me to do the same once I become an LMFT (or Systematic Family Therapist over here in the UK.) I strive to be like you, in my own way of course. I really do hope you or Alicia see this, I appreciate the work you guys do on this channel. All my love and respect 💛
Yours truly,
An Internet Stranger
I know for me when I decided to forgive my ex and tell him while he’s not allowed back in my life he is forgiven that my trauma symptoms starting getting way better for the first time in 6 months i don’t hear hear the screaming or have flashbacks when i think about the day i found out. Forgiving him felt like pouring alcohol on an open wound, stung like hell, but now I’m healing much better now.
Listening to this content feels like a massage to the brain. Thank you for helping me knead out the knots and toxins so I can release my tension and heal 😌
I became very avoidant due to traumatic betrayals early on in life and it took a long time to see that - I had buried how I really felt and just disconnected from the pain hoping to ignore it and move on. Unfortunately that means any time I feel there is trouble in a relationship then I shut off creating a shell , plus I became drawn to other avoidants - an imminent, predictable end being more desirable than a surprise end. But realising this finally I’m able to communicate that with my partner and he is so amazing at reconnecting with me - he drops the line into the well so I can climb my way back out rather than stay huddled away in the dark.
I'm so glad that you're now able to communicate with your boyfriend, and even better, the fact that he can reconnect with you. That sounds incredibly healing, I hope you two are going on stronger than ever ❤️
What about “emotional affairs”? Is that still cheating? Infidelity? If one person believes it is, and the other doesn’t see it as cheating how can there be healing?
Hi Jennifer,
Jonathan just uploaded a video about Olivia Rodrigo's song Traitor in which he very eloquently said this about infidelity:
Infidelity is when a need is being met outside a relationship which should be reserved for only in the relationship.
My ex partner cheated on me, emotionally, long before he cheated physically. He didn't acknowledge the emotional cheating. I know how much it hurts when your partner cheats and then also pretends or believes that it isn't cheating. I don't know your situation and where youre at 3 months later, but I just wanted to acknowledge you.
Your partner crossed a line and your feelings are valid. You are not crazy and you are worthy.
I'm sending you love, light and a safe healing space
Anytime one could potentially have a great time with someone else (imagined or real) and the party is on, it’s an affair
3:51 and forward. I was cheated on and they vehemently said they would never do that.. that the entire way (and the days up to, planing, searching online where they could go etc) he said that only one thing entered his mind “this is for her sake” (because I couldn’t have s€x as often - though more than he allowed me becauee “I want to protect you from pain” whereas on my good days and less painful days he would refuse to listen to me, stating over and over we couldn’t because he “knew” I was in more pain than I told him 😥😓) so yeah, he “did it for my sake”.
Thank you for these words of wisdom. It hit too dang hard so I have to pause and watch the rest later.
Jonathan, that thumbnail made my freaking week.
"responsibility means freedom"
I’m gonna be okay…. ❤
What is the difference between forgiveness and just letting it go? Is there a difference? If I decide to just not give it anymore thought or energy, just let it go and move on but also be honest that I do not forgive him, what's the difference?
U let yourself off the hook so that you can heal. The betrayer is still on the hook with God. Behavior won’t change unless it’s Devine intervention, like alcoholism it’s not going away without dying to self. If you can’t forgive, ask God to forgive them.
Thank you for this video. Can you talk about a (covert) narcissistic abuse victims, please.
How do you heal and get closure as a victim of abuse and manipulation? I had an abuser and even now, years after leaving, I still feel a lot of deep hurt and trauma, and feel unresolved. But obviously i cant and wont open that door to let the abuser back in..
So im not sure what to do
I guess I don't understand what forgiveness is then, exactly? My husband cheated on me two years ago, and we're doing well in reconciliation. I decided early on that I would never forgive him. I don't hate him, I've never held his infidelity over his head, and I don't plan on vengeance. Is that by itself forgiveness? I figured not forgiving him meant that I'll never love in unconditionally again. Like, instead of loving him in that Disney-type BS way I felt before, I'm making a conscious choice to love him every day. Full disclosure, I absolutely have my own issues I'm working out in therapy, I have difficulty feeling and identifying certain emotions, so I may have no idea what I'm talking about.
Hi Jonathan. Can I set up an appointment with you? I have a child with an ex who cheated on me and I don't want that to have a negative affect on my baby. Please help. I tries signing up for your course online but couldn't figure it out. Do you have an office or business number?
I liked this a lot! Especially the part of joy and happiness was very interesting. I didn't notice I'm also making that difference within myself. Or rather: I wasn't sure how to verbalise it.
Joy is indeed deeper and it can exist amongst the rubble. Like being in a devastated town but seeing a little survived flower. It's not like the devastation is gone, or the cleanup work gone. But there's hope to be found in the most unexpected places, through joy over unexpected simple beauty of life BECAUSE it exists in an unlikely place.
If we can find it in us to give it a bittersweet smile and move on, rather than feeling insulted by the existence of joy in a place of misery, then we're that one important first step into a healing chance.
I’m just here for the thumbnail
I misread this, seriously thought the video was titled "How to let go of pain caused by infertility"
Hows that apply to christianity and guilt of breaking christains laws....is christians laws can be boundries we set woth ourselfs
5/5RingyDingys⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
That's amazing and all considering this changed my entire outlook, but can we notice (edit: AND APPRECIATE) how THICC Jonathan is looking in the thumbnail 🥵🥵🥵
did he just Russel Nelson the whole world?!
The cover picture is lol
Im making a confession. I have a problem. Please dont hate me for what im about to say. There are people who are married that i have wanted to find a way to have an affair with them. I hate myself for it and i dont know how to make those feelings go away. I deal by isolating. If Im isolated then it wont happen. Its a fantasy and a nightmare. Right now its only thoughts but thoughts lead to actions. I want to apologize for my thoughts. Thanks for listening.