I am lonely. I stay in my room almost all day. and yes I can talk and respond to someone, but sometimes I zone off into a different world and I forget what they are even talking about.
I feel like it’s so hard finding others willing to ask those questions back. I’m down to learn a lot about people but it seems like there isn’t many looking to learn about anyone else in return.
I relate. Most people don't even have the basic courtesy of letting you finish what you were saying or even eye contact. Also using their phones without excusing themselves.I do my best to be a good friend but finding reciprocity is hard.
If all he people in these comments could connect with one another it seems like we’d have the beginnings of a great friendship base and an expanded pool of people for potential future relationships.
Thanks Dr Tracey! I have felt lonely and disconnected from people all my life. I’m 58; I grew up in a home where we didn’t have conversations or express feelings. It has affected all my relationships and my feelings about myself. I’ve always wondered how others make and maintain close relationships. I’ve gone to many counselors but none have ever suggested anything like this. Please talk more about how to overcome childhood emotional neglect.
I grew up the same. Felt loved but parents were alcoholics and I literally heard “children are seen, not heard.” I didn’t know different. When my dad died during my senior year of high school and I was the last kid still at home, my mother never talked about it, just “he’s not coming back,” as she packed up his personal things. Strange, I see that now, I had to grieve alone because she didn’t want to hear it.
Conversation is great but what really helps loneliness and disconnection is lots of shared activities, having people to live our lives together with, casual side by side interaction that happens by default, which is very hard to find in these times.
Yes , same here, you actually end up feeling more lonely when you see a 'friend' I just notice people talk at me , chucking their problems at me and that's it .theres no two way give/ take zero reciprocity.
I really appreciate you making these videos teaching interpersonal skills. I'm a very withdrawn person, and while I want to make connections with other people, it's usually very difficult for me.
I think its hard to find a community in which to belong cuz people are not trustworthy in my world. I had a very isolated childhood and it made adulthood extremely difficult.
Yes, where I live, there is a 1 in 23 chance of being a victim of a violent crime. Now, most likely if you are that one, it will someone you know and that's the way she goes in this P.O.S. town. People here from the trailer parks to the mansions have zero problem engaging in Malice Aforethought against whom ever they deem deserving. Right Tom? Maintenance Dude?
Infact loneliness is a situation most of us encounter during our life time, but it's a phase at which we carry out an introspection within us. Shed negative traits and move on with positivity. Of course this requires tremendous confidence and courage to move on. Never look back
This video is super helpful but in reality it’s hard to connect with people asking those kind of deep questions. People will think that you are nosey or that you talk too much. And even if they do honestly engage, some people will use the information against you even people you thought you could trust. There’s a certain level of vulnerability when trying to get past shallow connections and because of this we end up being afraid to talk to people hence being lonely. I guess in some way loneliness is what happens when we try to protect ourselves from mean people.
I thought of that too. I feel like what could work is putting the Dr.'s questions in ones own words so it doesn't sound too intimate if one id asking these questions to someone they aren't close with.
having a personal conversation about what is important to you with someone and feeling listened to and understood. taking the time to listen to someone else and feeling real empathy for them. helping someone else out of unconditional goodwill. offering sincere gratitude to another and receiving gratitude from others.👍
May have to come back to this video and take notes. I'm autistic and I don't understand how people can have in depth conversations with each other. This video really helps as a flowchart to improve my conversations. I might try this with my friends.
Thank you for this video. There are some people who need support for their loneliness, and I was one of them a few yrs back. I was feeling disconnected and lonely for a while, when surrounded by people. The thing is that I had people, but I felt like I had people who did not resonate with me. I think that it was my communities and surrounding people. I realized this, and invested in opening up more (being curious about the other), routines, hobbies, meaningful conversations, genuine fun with people etc. It got better and better and put me in situations for my highest good. 💛 help is always out there in case it’s needed. After two yrs, I learned that it was actually me who disconnected from all that and did not open up. When my mindset changed, it gave me a whole new perception of all that is.
@@andreanoniemus6282 I don't see your original comment. I thought I was replying to Luckytime. However, Andrea I'm sure you're hilarious! Hang in there my guy. Hearing your story inspires others to keep on living. Keep telling jokes and we will keep on laughing together!!!
This is a great video! I really appreciate your idea of starting with very light questions that can go deeper. "What was the highlight of your week?" is much better than "How was your week?" but I wouldn't have thought to ask it that way. I also like the phrase "listen with curiosity." That gives me a better idea of how to follow up, versus "ask follow up questions" which can sometimes just feel like I'm interrogating someone.
Hi Dr. Marks. I'm on medication for depression & anxiety & struggle every day. This is so true. I wish i could adopt these suggestions but i literally have no friends & no family in my life the only contact i have is going through the checkout, its been this way for years - im not saying 'oh woe is me' & im not feeling sorry for myself. it is the way it is for me but it can be overbearing. ill keep watching youre helpful clips. Thankyou
I've recently realized that because of childhood traumas, I often disassociate, way more than I ever realized. And now I see how that's hurt my social life. I do ask all the right questions and appropriate follow up questions, but I then often disassociate when they answer, in other words, I space out and don't fully hear or remember what they said. I'll remember at the time, enough to make a follow up question, but disassociation messes with your long term memory storage. The details of the conversation will be lost to me. So the next time we talk, they are understandably upset by my not remembering much of anything about them. I've lost potential friends from this. I feel like wearing a sign at parties, " I will forget your details, It's not personal!"
Just if you don’t enjoy it, don’t do it. You will definitely find people you’re interested in and whom you like. believe me. Forget about those you can’t connect to.
The comments reminded me of my childhood, where I called my classmates to ask what the homework was, even though I knew what it was, but I just wanted to speak to at least someone.
I needed this so much. In fact I need more of it. I have so many shallow conversations due to my inability to socialize well. Often I feel like I'm boring and lack human connection.
This came at such a perfect time. Been feeling so lonely lately. I'm single at 35, never really had a long term serious relationship, I have like 2 friends and work colleagues who I talk to, but I spend so much of my time by myself. I thought I was happy like that but I've been very depressed about it. I know I should just go and try and put myself out there but I find it so hard to open up. These are some good ideas to make a connection and if I get the chance I'll use them.
Same here I wish all of us that battled this lived near each other and could be there for each other because we understand what it’s like… it would be like finding your long lost twin
I’m 23 and I also have two best friends…. I’m going to be single because I’m asexual and I don’t like the idea of romantic relationships especially because I think it’s just a connection based up on hormones and how it’s in a way somewhat sexual…. But the scary thing is I fear losing those two in my life and I have abandonment issues at times (which came up especially when my two friends seem to have made more friends and forget my birthdays). It’s truly scary and I am also mostly by myself and it really makes me depressed and anxious.
I think this doctor is remarkably articulate and her videos are of great value. I have major depression that is often unbearable. I have tried several antidepressants and I have done 2.5 years of therapy. I did everything my therapist asked of me. As I was listening to Dr. Marks describe questions to ask, I felt myself become inwardly overwhelmed. The thought of asking or answering them made me feel like recoiling. I’m just too overwhelmed/stressed to take on anyone else’s issues. I can’t watch the news anymore because it breaks my heart. I haven’t had a vacation in 34 years because I don’t have the money. I’m sorry. It’s 3:45 in the morning. I can’t sleep and I’m babbling. Forgive me.
Communication during this volatile political atmosphere also makes socializing even more challenging. Even with our own family that we see in person has been off putting. So, I prefer to connect with people that I share core values.
FOR REAL! As a general rule of thumb, I do not like associating with pro-aborts. And its become such a popular thing these days, sadly. But like, how do you just bring that up with someone you've just met? lol. I don't want to waste time getting to know someone for them to turn out to be a pro-abort
@@MadameLa78 One factor is that appearance really matters. On the 1-10 scale I’m about a 5. You have to coldly evaluate yourself, don’t trust your friends or family, they will overate you. And don’t contact people that are above your rating. Seems shallow but it’s just life.
My father never showed me how to do anything. Usually would say "stop, you're going to mess it up dont touch it il do it" and eventually i felt i couldn't achieve anything. My dad's a strict guy, with anger issues. Craziest part is, he's not a bad person, but will deny to the grave anything he has or hasn't done had any effect on how i turned out and the complications that aroused
“How can a heart in the midst of a crowd feel terribly alone.”Me too, I am 57. First psychologist told me, never knew someone who knows so many people like I did, who feels so lonely. Another Doctor said, you do not even dare to have a desire anymore, being afraid of being disappointed again. Thank you Dr. Marks for your empathy, the spirit of your personality. I notice your face expressions are so lively. Authentic? ..yes, beautiful! My speech is slow and numb, when in depressed mode. Actually I am not curious about others, but they overwhelm me with their speech (and thoughts). I will watch your “boundary setting” video! @ all comments: thank you for your courage to share your loneliness. I wish I could have honest people like you in my life.
Thanks so much for this! It's so hard to find people who are interested in building something more. Loneliness is eating me alive, and I'm trying to hard with people but not having the same back. Constantly drained 💔
Thank you for the video Dr. Marks. Small talk is so useless when we are trying to building relationships and intimacy. Life is short-I want to talk about things that matter.
Small talk is a conversation starter that is insignificant like paper, twigs & kindling needed to start a fire in a fireplace. It's only a starter and for short term use until your interest in the person & your curiosity lead you to deeper questions. Small talk is also used to put friends or strangers, at ease during temporary transitions as in waiting in line at the coffee shop or waiting for the rest of the invitees to arrive at a function. Ask questions that are deeper in substance when the time allows and it's at a appropriate for the person, time & place. Small talk or simple questions can also be used to end a conversation and transition out to the next person or event.
I really appreciate this video!! We’re all dealing with this right now, and I’m so very thankful for these insights! I’m hoping that a lot of people get to see this one!🙏🏻
This is so useful! I have Autism and find conversation so difficult, but this gives me examples of things I can say and a structure to put those questions into. I often get so lonely because I can't connect to people, but mostly I don't know how to sort this out. This is great. I'm gonna do this. Thank you!
Dr Tracey I would love for you to elaborate on some techniques on how to feel more comfortable and (worthy of) self-revealing.....at 35 I'm beginning to realize how quiet I am in adult interactions....I believe it stems from "being seen and not heard"
I've always felt that getting to know someone is gradual. In the beginning there's small talk then as you get to know the other person it's ok to ask deeper questions. I found the video really informative.
I could never ask those kind of questions... I have a strong feeling that it's not my business to know any of those things. Probably because I was shamed for asking such questions as a child.
I’m living in Japan and I find lack of connecting conversations is the core problem here. I feel that Japanese normally engaging only in shallow conversations, even while being in relationships. I tried to talk with this type of questions with my ex boyfriend, in romantic relaxing atmosphere and later he told me he didn’t know why I was asking those untypical questions. Of course it’s probably depends on person.
Thank you, Dr Tracey. It really was a big revelation to me as I've always felt I'm inapt with social skills. I usually mimic a lot to feel accepted and not rejected (I have BPD/AvPD and dependant personality traits). I'm 31 and isolated, no job, no friends. It seems hard to me to ask some deep questions like those in the video, but I trust you and therefore would give a try with my closest person :) thank you 👋 from France, I wish we have educational content like you provide!
Can’t lie I’m resentful that my parents created this monster when I was a child & now as an adult it’s my job to unpack this. However I want to let of that & the trauma it’s like it gorilla glued on me.
Hi Doc I have been lonely for such a long time missing my kids. Another video if you haven't done it is relationship with yourself as well. You are a. Absolute gift to people with your knowledge and gift in explaining of knowledge. Thankyou 🙏
Ooh so good. Such concrete examples that I need to write down. I get so lost with just the simple, "how are you." This makes more intimate conversation easier to handle
I am very annoyed by people, they bring a lot of problems. Less people, less problems. You wouldn’t believe it if you met me because I act social and am talkative.
The only channel I hit the like button before you finish saying “Hi I’m Dr. Tracy..” just because I have never left your videos without new information and the topics are really relatable
What I’m finding is that I connect with others, and when I do connect some people are turned OFF that I remember something about them-they’re not happy that i remember something about them from before, meaning-they don’t want to connect with me on a deeper level. Which saddens me and means I have to start over finding someone else. It’s exhausting and I’m in my 40s.
I can relate to that about having vivid past memories of people. Going to high school reunions, where my classmates thought of me as a wallflower in school, where, actually, I was socially very observant in high school . . . well, my recollections from that time . . . I could sense people were uneasy about that, as they may have had some skeletons in the closet from high-school; where they thought in my glibness that I'd spill the beans about them.
I’ve gone through this same thing. I don’t care how many accomplishments and big things I’ve done. People who have cliques and etc whether 20’s, 30’s, 40’s etc in both sides of family, and friends…has left me feeling alone, tired of acting fake and hurt deep down on multiple levels from feeling a sense of betrayal by people I opened up to in a vulnerable way.
Oh, lord the frustration of being a kid, knowing you want to have better conversations, but knowing you'll just get dismissed, laughed at, yelled at, and also knowing you lack the language skills because of isolation that could help you learn. Catch 22
I am so grateful to have recently found your channel!! You are helping me so so much...I wish I could find a professional in my area as you to help me with my struggles. Thank you so very much for being here for all us out here that truly need you!!
Thank you for the plug for face-to-face conversation versus text. I was painfully shy when young, but I gradually grew into the ability to speak more easily like others. In light of that, I get so annoyed when I read things like, "I'm an introvert, so I don't like/can't do phone calls. I'd rather text." I appreciate a deep conversation and how much more efficient it is than texting.
Thank you for making this great video, Dr. Tracey! Could you please consider making a video on how to spontaneously sharing ourselves in relationships?
I have come to the conclusion that, this gal is very, smart! l usually dismiss, people like her,BUT,if you take the time to listen and take in what she brings to the table, you will be pleasantly surprised on her simplicidy,l applod her, good job 👍
"If you grew up believing children were seen and not heard..." Bingo. Also, my parents didn't like me socializing. I started to get a bit of a social life in high school and my mom put a stop to it for reasons she never said. I've been out of school for a long time now and they got more lenient, but I'm still paranoid.
Your an amazing Dr. ! I wish I could get counseling sessions from you . Thank you for brining back my trust that there are some good Drs left out there xxx
I feel lonely since I moved to this town. Not because I cant get along with people or nor do I fear people, but it's because every time I try to have a conversation with them, they end up gossipping and judging other people
Thank you Dr. Tracey Marks. I never learned social situations. It's so relieving to find this inspiring and clear conversation dinner. Sounds delicious. My stomach is rumbling. ☺️
Just once again drives home how different we all think and experience life as a whole. Also about how disconnected we are from one another. It also makes me miss those random intimate conversations with strangers. It took some practice to feel confident but the ability to carefully probe one to be personal and to let down some of those layers and reveal oneself is one that made work worthwhile to me. Someone whom I could tell by subtle clues in their tone of voice or mannerisms just vocally was struggling, and after getting them to decompress and "undress" I could audibly hear a shift in their current state of mind. Sometimes I would psychoanalyze with them, having them talk about complex relationships they've had. Sometimes I'd verbalize a universal thought and I hoped that it would stick and they would walk away and further process it for their own personal wellbeing. Not everyday would I have these profound interactions but when I did it helped me feel like I had done something more fulfilling and worthwhile. It helped me feel less lonely and more connected as a whole with humanity... so I guess what I'm trying to say is I see much value in the skills you're trying to teach. And for the record I was just another customer service rep. I did my actual job but seeing that I struggle to maintain relationships I found solace in building connections via random interactions with strangers. I'm also been officially diagnosed on the autistic spectrum as well... I'm sure that might come as a surprise, but I am a late diagnosed female. Hi to all those who are on the spectrum with me.
Wouldn't say I feel lonely. I'm just missing connection, if that makes sense. I feel the need to nourish my mental health, which literally REQUIRES socialization, unfortunately.
I am connected but to much. It hurts so much I can do nothing to better things is the feel. Stopping ancient troubles of the world that cause suffering.
Depression, anxiety, ADHD, and such personality disorder is my issue. It is rough but started some meds. I fear meds with opioid epidemic irrationally, I fear disparities such as lack of needs of food irrationally, I fear to much irrationally.
I have learnt to insulate myself from probing questions. I annalise other people and what I realised yesterday is others have the right to make decisions. I always felt rejected if someone disengaged. Its a relief to know I don't have to be a sponge. I thought that that was my role in life. Having healthy boundaries now and not being so needy allows for the opportunity to construct intimacy. Hence I'm able to respect myself and allow that to flow through me. If the other person withdraws im not as offended. Peace
" Hey! Nice to meet you!" "Nice to meet you too! So what are your goals? What interesting thing has happened to you this week? What are your challenges right now?" ...My problem with connection? Getting through the small talk and establishing a close enough relationship where you can ask these kinds of questions.
I feel like I lack curiosity about other people, like I really don't care about what they have to say. I'm going to try to learn how to appear to care about they say, because I think people can tell my interest is ingenuine.
None of those 3 states would work with my housemate. Hes been drunk and high in the front room for the last 2 years watching the same boring songs on TH-cam and random news. It makes me hole up in my own space as often as possible. Lonely almost seems like a cure.
It might just be my cptsd but i would be on red alert if someone started asking me questions like this. And I'd never ask anything like these about even my closest friends in the best of times.
i am so grateful !i watch your videos in purpose of practice my English listening and learning about mental health ,im thankful because your way of talking and for you amazing contact .
Oh yeah? Try being totally isolated for 7 years of your life due to trauma. We all struggle differently. Try not to invalidate others. You have no idea what the next person is going though
I've noticed that while I am lonely and want to make a relationship of any kind happen, whenever I try and put myself in situations to do so, people avoid me. I don't even know why. It's been that way since grade school. Now I'm a junior in college and still haven't made any meaningful connections because I either get too anxious to try; or I muster up the strength to do so and despite my best efforts, it goes nowhere. I was always told that college would be the best years if my life, and I was looking forward to it as a fresh start after being alone throughout highschool. But now college is almost over, and I'm still stuck in the same spot. It's hard to always be surrounded by people doing fun, exciting activities and wanting to engage in similar things, only to remember that I have no one to enjoy those moments with. I am lucky to have family that cares about me though. Summer, fall, spring, and winter breaks are the only things I look forward to.
I feel the same, now I'm 65 I've given up, I have to depend on myself for entertainment, all relationships have been heartbreaking, but its them not me, try not to care even if its lonely
3:35 - Those are awkward questions: they're very Sheldon Cooper-esque. People would give you a stare if you really asked those questions literally. What you have to do is adapt to the context and ask more specific questions, and in a more chill and less formal way.
In my opinion I dont think anyone truly lonely has the luxury of being able to coordinate exercises with a handful of people in order to form better connections with people. If u cd do that and ppl wd be there for u for such a task... not likely you’d be going through spells of loneliness. Those are real friends.
I resent that when someone is identified as "lonely" the psych community tends to put all the emphasis on getting the person who is lonely to do something different. Yes, if there is depression or social anxiety, these people will complicate the situation. BUT, I rarely hear psych care therapists challenge the society we live in, how it's set up and what responsibility we have towards our neighbors, fellow students, etc. Statistics show that we have an absolute epidemic of lonely people. Is this because suddenly over the last 40 years human psychology has somehow changed? It's the society and systems we live in that are isolating and marginalizing people. And professional psychology often contributes to this systemic problem. Therapists strictly enforce boundaries, time limits, pay scales, scheduling, etc. Of course, this is the way of capitalism and commerce. But it's also the very thing that contributes to the marginalizing of people to begin with. How many people have been to therapy, perhaps get some helpful treatment, but still feel marginalized or dismissed by the system? You're "just" a patient, not an actual human being that we're going to befriend. We have boundaries, you know. Hope you feel better, here's your bill. I challenge therapists who are really concerned about their lonely patients to work on actually creating a community of friends, instead of backhandedly suggesting that it's mostly the "lonely" persons fault. It's not.
Wow! Such a good video, literally video therapy. Such good information, makes me think about what my relationship could benefit from! Thank you so much Dr. Marks!
This came at a great time. Can you do something for mental health therapists that are burnt 🥵 out and drained during the pandemic and struggle with being in relationships outside of work because socially drained ?
Dr. Tracey Marks, I love your videos. When you share your knowledge, I feel uplifted and like I can manage my thoughts and emotions better. I appreciate you!
WATCH NEXT: *Loneliness in Avoidant Personality* th-cam.com/video/0mHm1seHKkE/w-d-xo.html
I've been suffering from this feeling for years
Thanks for making this video!
thank u
I find when i go through my depression i tend to want to push people away. Can you do a vedio on anxitey and depression related to loneliness
Thank you
I am lonely. I stay in my room almost all day. and yes I can talk and respond to someone, but sometimes I zone off into a different world and I forget what they are even talking about.
《Lila》 same here
Do you know the type of people you would want to connect with if any?
Have you reflected on what intetests you and what you like and dont like?
😳 yikes
Me too. Sometimes I try really hard to pay attention but the words just stop making sense all together.
Wow this happens to me a lot
I feel like it’s so hard finding others willing to ask those questions back. I’m down to learn a lot about people but it seems like there isn’t many looking to learn about anyone else in return.
I relate. Most people don't even have the basic courtesy of letting you finish what you were saying or even eye contact. Also using their phones without excusing themselves.I do my best to be a good friend but finding reciprocity is hard.
@@keziahmwangi9920 agree
They probably have enough friends, aren’t feeling lonely or self centred and don’t care about having no friends at all. I know it’s hard
Same, I end up getting friends who almost never ask anything about me and when they do they don't even pretend to be interested
If all he people in these comments could connect with one another it seems like we’d have the beginnings of a great friendship base and an expanded pool of people for potential future relationships.
Thanks Dr Tracey! I have felt lonely and disconnected from people all my life. I’m 58; I grew up in a home where we didn’t have conversations or express feelings. It has affected all my relationships and my feelings about myself. I’ve always wondered how others make and maintain close relationships. I’ve gone to many counselors but none have ever suggested anything like this. Please talk more about how to overcome childhood emotional neglect.
Hi Trejea I hope you can give this a try. Thanks for the video suggestion. Let me see what I can come up with.
trejea I would like to connect with you. I’m 54 and very alone. Let me know and I’ll give you my email address
@@Pureimagination200 hello, reaching out. Around the same age. Im in Central.
I grew up the same. Felt loved but parents were alcoholics and I literally heard “children are seen, not heard.” I didn’t know different. When my dad died during my senior year of high school and I was the last kid still at home, my mother never talked about it, just “he’s not coming back,” as she packed up his personal things. Strange, I see that now, I had to grieve alone because she didn’t want to hear it.
Wanted to add too… look up reparenting. It seemed a little out there to me, at first, but it has helped. 💛
No family and no friends...yearning for human contact. Going to the store, just to make contact with the cashier. So pathetic.
Oh wow I thought I was the only one who did this. Very sad and lonely. You are not alone. I feel like I am slowly losing my sanity. Hang in there.
I can sympathize. Feel the same way. Hang in there. You are really not alone with these feeling.
I wish I could go to the store to make contact with someone.
Aw let’s hang out hahaha
It's unbelievably sad how far we've fallen as a nation. A population of 300 million & growing yet people are lonely.
Conversation is great but what really helps loneliness and disconnection is lots of shared activities, having people to live our lives together with, casual side by side interaction that happens by default, which is very hard to find in these times.
I am really tired always being the one asking question and be the one who is listening, it is such a one way street.
Yes , same here, you actually end up feeling more lonely when you see a 'friend' I just notice people talk at me , chucking their problems at me and that's it .theres no two way give/ take zero reciprocity.
I really appreciate you making these videos teaching interpersonal skills. I'm a very withdrawn person, and while I want to make connections with other people, it's usually very difficult for me.
Give it a try dol On a small scale with someone you trust.
I feel alone at times even in a room full of people. I guess that's part of disconnection.
Same here
I think its hard to find a community in which to belong cuz people are not trustworthy in my world. I had a very isolated childhood and it made adulthood extremely difficult.
Yes, where I live, there is a 1 in 23 chance of being a victim of a violent crime. Now, most likely if you are that one, it will someone you know and that's the way she goes in this P.O.S. town. People here from the trailer parks to the mansions have zero problem engaging in Malice Aforethought against whom ever they deem deserving. Right Tom? Maintenance Dude?
Infact loneliness is a situation most of us encounter during our life time, but it's a phase at which we carry out an introspection within us. Shed negative traits and move on with positivity. Of course this requires tremendous confidence and courage to move on. Never look back
This video is super helpful but in reality it’s hard to connect with people asking those kind of deep questions. People will think that you are nosey or that you talk too much. And even if they do honestly engage, some people will use the information against you even people you thought you could trust. There’s a certain level of vulnerability when trying to get past shallow connections and because of this we end up being afraid to talk to people hence being lonely. I guess in some way loneliness is what happens when we try to protect ourselves from mean people.
I thought of that too. I feel like what could work is putting the Dr.'s questions in ones own words so it doesn't sound too intimate if one id asking these questions to someone they aren't close with.
this only works as people truly cares you or love you, but that wouldn't feel lonely
Don't put that bad voodoo on me!!!
having a personal conversation about what is important to you with someone and feeling listened to and understood. taking the time to listen to someone else and feeling real empathy for them. helping someone else out of unconditional goodwill. offering sincere gratitude to another and receiving gratitude from others.👍
Good words. Thanks for sharing this
I got exhausted just reading that shit
May have to come back to this video and take notes. I'm autistic and I don't understand how people can have in depth conversations with each other. This video really helps as a flowchart to improve my conversations. I might try this with my friends.
Thank you for this video.
There are some people who need support for their loneliness, and I was one of them a few yrs back.
I was feeling disconnected and lonely for a while, when surrounded by people. The thing is that I had people, but I felt like I had people who did not resonate with me. I think that it was my communities and surrounding people. I realized this, and invested in opening up more (being curious about the other), routines, hobbies, meaningful conversations, genuine fun with people etc.
It got better and better and put me in situations for my highest good. 💛 help is always out there in case it’s needed.
After two yrs, I learned that it was actually me who disconnected from all that and did not open up. When my mindset changed, it gave me a whole new perception of all that is.
Someone: "How do you feel your parents failed you as a child?"
Me: "How much time you got?"
"How much time you got." 😂 sarcasm mix with our pain is still funny.
@@tcharles8172 its a defense mechanic too. I'm lonely, suffer from depression, feel disconnected from humanity.. still I'm the funniest guy around..
@@andreanoniemus6282 I don't see your original comment. I thought I was replying to Luckytime. However, Andrea I'm sure you're hilarious! Hang in there my guy. Hearing your story inspires others to keep on living. Keep telling jokes and we will keep on laughing together!!!
Then they/ he blames me for not able to be productive member of society.
This is a great video! I really appreciate your idea of starting with very light questions that can go deeper. "What was the highlight of your week?" is much better than "How was your week?" but I wouldn't have thought to ask it that way. I also like the phrase "listen with curiosity." That gives me a better idea of how to follow up, versus "ask follow up questions" which can sometimes just feel like I'm interrogating someone.
Great I’m glad you got some take aways 👍🏽
Good points.
Hi Dr. Marks. I'm on medication for depression & anxiety & struggle every day. This is so true. I wish i could adopt these suggestions but i literally have no friends & no family in my life the only contact i have is going through the checkout, its been this way for years - im not saying 'oh woe is me' & im not feeling sorry for myself. it is the way it is for me but it can be overbearing. ill keep watching youre helpful clips. Thankyou
I've recently realized that because of childhood traumas, I often disassociate, way more than I ever realized.
And now I see how that's hurt my social life.
I do ask all the right questions and appropriate follow up questions, but I then often disassociate when they answer, in other words, I space out and don't fully hear or remember what they said.
I'll remember at the time, enough to make a follow up question, but disassociation messes with your long term memory storage. The details of the conversation will be lost to me. So the next time we talk, they are understandably upset by my not remembering much of anything about them.
I've lost potential friends from this. I feel like wearing a sign at parties, " I will forget your details, It's not personal!"
This is a habit you can change. Just practice. Been there
Just if you don’t enjoy it, don’t do it. You will definitely find people you’re interested in and whom you like. believe me. Forget about those you can’t connect to.
The comments reminded me of my childhood, where I called my classmates to ask what the homework was, even though I knew what it was, but I just wanted to speak to at least someone.
I needed this so much. In fact I need more of it. I have so many shallow conversations due to my inability to socialize well. Often I feel like I'm boring and lack human connection.
This came at such a perfect time. Been feeling so lonely lately. I'm single at 35, never really had a long term serious relationship, I have like 2 friends and work colleagues who I talk to, but I spend so much of my time by myself. I thought I was happy like that but I've been very depressed about it. I know I should just go and try and put myself out there but I find it so hard to open up. These are some good ideas to make a connection and if I get the chance I'll use them.
Same here I wish all of us that battled this lived near each other and could be there for each other because we understand what it’s like… it would be like finding your long lost twin
@@CoCo-yv3hl this!
I’m 23 and I also have two best friends…. I’m going to be single because I’m asexual and I don’t like the idea of romantic relationships especially because I think it’s just a connection based up on hormones and how it’s in a way somewhat sexual…. But the scary thing is I fear losing those two in my life and I have abandonment issues at times (which came up especially when my two friends seem to have made more friends and forget my birthdays). It’s truly scary and I am also mostly by myself and it really makes me depressed and anxious.
I can relate so much to you, I also feel depressed about the lack of deep meaningful relationships in my life, also been single most of me life...
Great video. You left one key element out, having this conversation with an semi intelligent person. The rarest of all humans.
Lol. Yes that matters.
spot on. My loneliness has been heightening these weeks
👍🏽
I think this doctor is remarkably articulate and her videos are of great value. I have major depression that is often unbearable. I have tried several antidepressants and I have done 2.5 years of therapy. I did everything my therapist asked of me. As I was listening to Dr. Marks describe questions to ask, I felt myself become inwardly overwhelmed. The thought of asking or answering them made me feel like recoiling. I’m just too overwhelmed/stressed to take on anyone else’s issues. I can’t watch the news anymore because it breaks my heart. I haven’t had a vacation in 34 years because I don’t have the money. I’m sorry. It’s 3:45 in the morning. I can’t sleep and I’m babbling. Forgive me.
Communication during this volatile political atmosphere also makes socializing even more challenging. Even with our own family that we see in person has been off putting. So, I prefer to connect with people that I share core values.
FOR REAL! As a general rule of thumb, I do not like associating with pro-aborts. And its become such a popular thing these days, sadly. But like, how do you just bring that up with someone you've just met? lol. I don't want to waste time getting to know someone for them to turn out to be a pro-abort
I am tired being the only one initiating contact, being curious, asking questions and behaving so people react. why does it not get reciprocated?
I know what you mean. That's why I disconnected. It's been a couple years...now I'm here on this video
Most people are preoccupied with their work and everything. If someone answers your question, isn’t that a form of reciprocating?
Not if they answer with one word... usually Nothing.
@@MadameLa78 One factor is that appearance really matters. On the 1-10 scale I’m about a 5. You have to coldly evaluate yourself, don’t trust your friends or family, they will overate you. And don’t contact people that are above your rating. Seems shallow but it’s just life.
Me too I’m always the one who initiate
Dr. Marks.....Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for your posts.
Strangely, I've never felt lonely.
Maybe getting tired of people through my life. Getting tired of everything.
Metus, I many times feel that way too. You're not alone. We gotta keep going. Prayers for you and God bless you.
My father never showed me how to do anything. Usually would say "stop, you're going to mess it up dont touch it il do it" and eventually i felt i couldn't achieve anything. My dad's a strict guy, with anger issues. Craziest part is, he's not a bad person, but will deny to the grave anything he has or hasn't done had any effect on how i turned out and the complications that aroused
I had the exact same experience with my mum...
“How can a heart in the midst of a crowd feel terribly alone.”Me too, I am 57. First psychologist told me, never knew someone who knows so many people like I did, who feels so lonely. Another Doctor said, you do not even dare to have a desire anymore, being afraid of being disappointed again.
Thank you Dr. Marks for your empathy, the spirit of your personality. I notice your face expressions are so lively. Authentic? ..yes, beautiful! My speech is slow and numb, when in depressed mode. Actually I am not curious about others, but they overwhelm me with their speech (and thoughts). I will watch your “boundary setting” video!
@ all comments: thank you for your courage to share your loneliness. I wish I could have honest people like you in my life.
You’re the best help on TH-cam. Hands down. Your way of speaking and expertise are so helpful. Your hair is *always* on point too 👌😊
Thanks so much for this! It's so hard to find people who are interested in building something more. Loneliness is eating me alive, and I'm trying to hard with people but not having the same back. Constantly drained 💔
Yep its hard i feel most people have these types of friends and arent looking for anything deep. All you can do is keep trying.
I can relate to you, this is so depressing 💔
We get so much from your program!
Appreciate the quiet background.
Thank you for the video Dr. Marks. Small talk is so useless when we are trying to building relationships and intimacy. Life is short-I want to talk about things that matter.
You need to find the right people for that (which can be difficult).
Small talk is a conversation starter that is insignificant like paper, twigs & kindling needed to start a fire in a fireplace. It's only a starter and for short term use until your interest in the person & your curiosity lead you to deeper questions.
Small talk is also used to put friends or strangers, at ease during temporary transitions as in waiting in line at the coffee shop or waiting for the rest of the invitees to arrive at a function.
Ask questions that are deeper in substance when the time allows and it's at a appropriate for the person, time & place.
Small talk or simple questions can also be used to end a conversation and transition out to the next person or event.
sadly most dont want that
Crazy how this video pops up in my feed because I've been feeling this way.
Yes indeed. Somehow YT just knows your needs...
Doctor, you've been a blessing for me. Your videos always helps me as they make me feel understood and validated. Thank you!
I really appreciate this video!! We’re all dealing with this right now, and I’m so very thankful for these insights! I’m hoping that a lot of people get to see this one!🙏🏻
This is so useful! I have Autism and find conversation so difficult, but this gives me examples of things I can say and a structure to put those questions into. I often get so lonely because I can't connect to people, but mostly I don't know how to sort this out. This is great. I'm gonna do this. Thank you!
Dr Tracey I would love for you to elaborate on some techniques on how to feel more comfortable and (worthy of) self-revealing.....at 35 I'm beginning to realize how quiet I am in adult interactions....I believe it stems from "being seen and not heard"
You are definitely not alone! I had the same upbringing and now habitually stay quiet in public. This video has great suggestions!
I've always felt that getting to know someone is gradual. In the beginning there's small talk then as you get to know the other person it's ok to ask deeper questions. I found the video really informative.
Dr. Tracey Marks: this video is really important!
I could never ask those kind of questions... I have a strong feeling that it's not my business to know any of those things. Probably because I was shamed for asking such questions as a child.
You are sent from God & I thank Him for you! May He continue to bless you & thank you😊🙏💪❤
I’m living in Japan and I find lack of connecting conversations is the core problem here. I feel that Japanese normally engaging only in shallow conversations, even while being in relationships.
I tried to talk with this type of questions with my ex boyfriend, in romantic relaxing atmosphere and later he told me he didn’t know why I was asking those untypical questions.
Of course it’s probably depends on person.
I have learned more from your content here on TH-cam, than when I was going to traditional therapy for over 10 years.
Thank you, Dr. Tracey Marks!
Thank you, Dr Tracey. It really was a big revelation to me as I've always felt I'm inapt with social skills. I usually mimic a lot to feel accepted and not rejected (I have BPD/AvPD and dependant personality traits). I'm 31 and isolated, no job, no friends. It seems hard to me to ask some deep questions like those in the video, but I trust you and therefore would give a try with my closest person :) thank you 👋 from France, I wish we have educational content like you provide!
Happy to practice if you want
Can’t lie I’m resentful that my parents created this monster when I was a child & now as an adult it’s my job to unpack this. However I want to let of that & the trauma it’s like it gorilla glued on me.
U know, ur channel is the most beneficial one on TH-cam
Ask questions sure! intimacy is a mutual effort; however is the other person willing to ask
The "lighter" questions made me cry. Nice. The slightly deeper ones made me dissociate. Now I feel like an alien.
Hi Doc I have been lonely for such a long time missing my kids. Another video if you haven't done it is relationship with yourself as well. You are a. Absolute gift to people with your knowledge and gift in explaining of knowledge. Thankyou 🙏
Ooh so good. Such concrete examples that I need to write down. I get so lost with just the simple, "how are you." This makes more intimate conversation easier to handle
Just talked with someone about loneliness and connection last night, it's kind of what i'm going through. Thanks for the video!
You’re welcome! I’m glad this was timely.
I am very annoyed by people, they bring a lot of problems. Less people, less problems. You wouldn’t believe it if you met me because I act social and am talkative.
The only channel I hit the like button before you finish saying “Hi I’m Dr. Tracy..” just because I have never left your videos without new information and the topics are really relatable
What I’m finding is that I connect with others, and when I do connect some people are turned OFF that I remember something about them-they’re not happy that i remember something about them from before, meaning-they don’t want to connect with me on a deeper level. Which saddens me and means I have to start over finding someone else. It’s exhausting and I’m in my 40s.
I can relate to that about having vivid past memories of people. Going to high school reunions, where my classmates thought of me as a wallflower in school, where, actually, I was socially very observant in high school . . . well, my recollections from that time . . . I could sense people were uneasy about that, as they may have had some skeletons in the closet from high-school; where they thought in my glibness that I'd spill the beans about them.
I’ve gone through this same thing. I don’t care how many accomplishments and big things I’ve done. People who have cliques and etc whether 20’s, 30’s, 40’s etc in both sides of family, and friends…has left me feeling alone, tired of acting fake and hurt deep down on multiple levels from feeling a sense of betrayal by people I opened up to in a vulnerable way.
Why would you want to connect with that type of people anyway? Leave the plastics to other plastics.
I don't know, Dr Marks. From my experience most people don't like these interview type of conversations
Oh, lord the frustration of being a kid, knowing you want to have better conversations, but knowing you'll just get dismissed, laughed at, yelled at, and also knowing you lack the language skills because of isolation that could help you learn. Catch 22
I am so grateful to have recently found your channel!! You are helping me so so much...I wish I could find a professional in my area as you to help me with my struggles. Thank you so very much for being here for all us out here that truly need you!!
Donna Pennell,You got a lovely smile 😊
@@christianpulisic7784 thank you..that’s very kind of you to say 😊
Thank you for the plug for face-to-face conversation versus text. I was painfully shy when young, but I gradually grew into the ability to speak more easily like others. In light of that, I get so annoyed when I read things like, "I'm an introvert, so I don't like/can't do phone calls. I'd rather text." I appreciate a deep conversation and how much more efficient it is than texting.
Thank you for making this great video, Dr. Tracey! Could you please consider making a video on how to spontaneously sharing ourselves in relationships?
I have come to the conclusion that, this gal is very, smart! l usually dismiss, people like her,BUT,if you take the time to listen and take in what she brings to the table, you will be pleasantly surprised on her simplicidy,l applod her, good job 👍
"If you grew up believing children were seen and not heard..."
Bingo. Also, my parents didn't like me socializing. I started to get a bit of a social life in high school and my mom put a stop to it for reasons she never said. I've been out of school for a long time now and they got more lenient, but I'm still paranoid.
Your an amazing Dr. ! I wish I could get counseling sessions from you . Thank you for brining back my trust that there are some good Drs left out there xxx
I feel lonely since I moved to this town. Not because I cant get along with people or nor do I fear people, but it's because every time I try to have a conversation with them, they end up gossipping and judging other people
Hi jessica ....keep trying and you will find a real.. genuine .. Friend ....hope ypur having a great weekend ...god bless
@@jaykulina9386 thank you 😊
Thank you Dr. Tracey Marks.
I never learned social situations.
It's so relieving to find this inspiring and clear conversation dinner. Sounds delicious.
My stomach is rumbling. ☺️
Hi Dr. Marks. That video will help a lot of people so thankyou.
Thanks as always Jeff!
Thank you doc, I honestly struggle with interpersonal skills and this really opens my eyes about how self centered I am. ❤️
Just once again drives home how different we all think and experience life as a whole. Also about how disconnected we are from one another.
It also makes me miss those random intimate conversations with strangers. It took some practice to feel confident but the ability to carefully probe one to be personal and to let down some of those layers and reveal oneself is one that made work worthwhile to me. Someone whom I could tell by subtle clues in their tone of voice or mannerisms just vocally was struggling, and after getting them to decompress and "undress" I could audibly hear a shift in their current state of mind. Sometimes I would psychoanalyze with them, having them talk about complex relationships they've had. Sometimes I'd verbalize a universal thought and I hoped that it would stick and they would walk away and further process it for their own personal wellbeing. Not everyday would I have these profound interactions but when I did it helped me feel like I had done something more fulfilling and worthwhile. It helped me feel less lonely and more connected as a whole with humanity... so I guess what I'm trying to say is I see much value in the skills you're trying to teach.
And for the record I was just another customer service rep. I did my actual job but seeing that I struggle to maintain relationships I found solace in building connections via random interactions with strangers. I'm also been officially diagnosed on the autistic spectrum as well... I'm sure that might come as a surprise, but I am a late diagnosed female. Hi to all those who are on the spectrum with me.
I’m glad you got some practice connecting with people. You can continue to get better with practice. All the best to you 😊
@@DrTraceyMarks thanks for advice to others. Hope people van seek person counceling when needed too.
Wouldn't say I feel lonely. I'm just missing connection, if that makes sense. I feel the need to nourish my mental health, which literally REQUIRES socialization, unfortunately.
I feel lonely at times surrounded by others but I try to turn it into a solace . Time to myself can be good and writing a journal then is good.
I am connected but to much. It hurts so much I can do nothing to better things is the feel. Stopping ancient troubles of the world that cause suffering.
Depression, anxiety, ADHD, and such personality disorder is my issue. It is rough but started some meds. I fear meds with opioid epidemic irrationally, I fear disparities such as lack of needs of food irrationally, I fear to much irrationally.
I have learnt to insulate myself from probing questions. I annalise other people and what I realised yesterday is others have the right to make decisions. I always felt rejected if someone disengaged. Its a relief to know I don't have to be a sponge. I thought that that was my role in life.
Having healthy boundaries now and not being so needy allows for the opportunity to construct intimacy. Hence I'm able to respect myself and allow that to flow through me. If the other person withdraws im not as offended. Peace
" Hey! Nice to meet you!" "Nice to meet you too! So what are your goals? What interesting thing has happened to you this week? What are your challenges right now?" ...My problem with connection? Getting through the small talk and establishing a close enough relationship where you can ask these kinds of questions.
Thank you so much. I feel like crying because this is what I needed
I feel like I lack curiosity about other people, like I really don't care about what they have to say. I'm going to try to learn how to appear to care about they say, because I think people can tell my interest is ingenuine.
None of those 3 states would work with my housemate. Hes been drunk and high in the front room for the last 2 years watching the same boring songs on TH-cam and random news. It makes me hole up in my own space as often as possible. Lonely almost seems like a cure.
Sounds like you need a new housemate!
These are good questions but I have noticed that people are selfish. They don’t like to tell others about their personal life.
It might just be my cptsd but i would be on red alert if someone started asking me questions like this. And I'd never ask anything like these about even my closest friends in the best of times.
Thank you so very much for your interest in mental health. It’s your passion!!! You’re so very passionate
Rock on, Dr. Tracey! Your videos have been helpful. Not just the info but your presence.
i am so grateful !i watch your videos in purpose of practice my English listening and learning about mental health ,im thankful because your way of talking and for you amazing contact .
this is exactly how I feel, lonely and disconnected and lost
Unless you've been married, you don't know what it's like to be lonely.
Oh yeah? Try being totally isolated for 7 years of your life due to trauma. We all struggle differently. Try not to invalidate others. You have no idea what the next person is going though
Hello from Athens Greece......you can no imagine how important is mental health education......... thank you
I stumbled across this channel yesterday. Thanks for making these videos and sharing your knowledge Dr Tracey 🙏🏿
I've noticed that while I am lonely and want to make a relationship of any kind happen, whenever I try and put myself in situations to do so, people avoid me. I don't even know why. It's been that way since grade school. Now I'm a junior in college and still haven't made any meaningful connections because I either get too anxious to try; or I muster up the strength to do so and despite my best efforts, it goes nowhere. I was always told that college would be the best years if my life, and I was looking forward to it as a fresh start after being alone throughout highschool. But now college is almost over, and I'm still stuck in the same spot. It's hard to always be surrounded by people doing fun, exciting activities and wanting to engage in similar things, only to remember that I have no one to enjoy those moments with.
I am lucky to have family that cares about me though. Summer, fall, spring, and winter breaks are the only things I look forward to.
I feel the same, now I'm 65 I've given up, I have to depend on myself for entertainment, all relationships have been heartbreaking, but its them not me, try not to care even if its lonely
I love the educational videos provided by Dr. Marks.
3:35 - Those are awkward questions: they're very Sheldon Cooper-esque. People would give you a stare if you really asked those questions literally. What you have to do is adapt to the context and ask more specific questions, and in a more chill and less formal way.
I'm glad you made this video. It is definitely something I think I need to work on.
In my opinion I dont think anyone truly lonely has the luxury of being able to coordinate exercises with a handful of people in order to form better connections with people. If u cd do that and ppl wd be there for u for such a task... not likely you’d be going through spells of loneliness. Those are real friends.
cheers
I can only think that these questions can make people with severe depression feel worse about themselves :/
I resent that when someone is identified as "lonely" the psych community tends to put all the emphasis on getting the person who is lonely to do something different. Yes, if there is depression or social anxiety, these people will complicate the situation. BUT, I rarely hear psych care therapists challenge the society we live in, how it's set up and what responsibility we have towards our neighbors, fellow students, etc.
Statistics show that we have an absolute epidemic of lonely people. Is this because suddenly over the last 40 years human psychology has somehow changed? It's the society and systems we live in that are isolating and marginalizing people.
And professional psychology often contributes to this systemic problem. Therapists strictly enforce boundaries, time limits, pay scales, scheduling, etc. Of course, this is the way of capitalism and commerce. But it's also the very thing that contributes to the marginalizing of people to begin with. How many people have been to therapy, perhaps get some helpful treatment, but still feel marginalized or dismissed by the system? You're "just" a patient, not an actual human being that we're going to befriend. We have boundaries, you know. Hope you feel better, here's your bill.
I challenge therapists who are really concerned about their lonely patients to work on actually creating a community of friends, instead of backhandedly suggesting that it's mostly the "lonely" persons fault. It's not.
your presumption is that we have anyone for a zoom conference. Me: no! My Mum doesn’t use it.
Wow! Such a good video, literally video therapy. Such good information, makes me think about what my relationship could benefit from! Thank you so much Dr. Marks!
I am listening you from Brazil! I like your advices! Thanks for this help 🇧🇷💪🏽🥰
This came at a great time. Can you do something for mental health therapists that are burnt 🥵 out and drained during the pandemic and struggle with being in relationships outside of work because socially drained ?
Great video...I learned a lot. I'm a person who longs to go deeper in relationships and didn't know how until now.
The problem answering those questions like, what is your highlight of the week,? Almost everything is so muted.
Dr. Tracey Marks, I love your videos. When you share your knowledge, I feel uplifted and like I can manage my thoughts and emotions better. I appreciate you!