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My attempts as a child to get my emotional needs met were often swatted away. Literally. Instead of connection I got shame. And fear of shame dominated my life. Which led to shameful consequences (being unable to show up as a man in my relationships or career). Eventually all roads led to shame and an impoverished life. I’m coming out of it now; after decades of waiting to be rescued. This is tough work people, but you are worth it. Blessings to all.
@@Star-dj1kw thank you for the kind response. Last night I wrote Halloween cards to my children and the love that I felt for them also trickle down to my wounded inner child. It was poignant, felt good and it also hurt, and then I realized that my parents who are both still alive, simply didn’t have access to this type of love. they had locked their feelings away so completely. I really leveled up in that moment, and I could feel pity for them for not having access to the love I was feeling. It takes a great deal of work and persistence to break the bonds of generational, trauma and pain. They’ve never done the work they have no interest in doing the work, and as such, they’ll never feel the same connection. I can appreciate it more because I had to work so hard to get it. and divinity delights in my growth and celebrates my success. Blessings to all on their healing journey you are heroes. You are brave and strong. Keep it up. It’s worth it.
I am very sorry you went through this. Everyone deserves love and comfort but not everyone gets it. My husband is struggling with this too and never feels good enough. It has been a hard life for both of us. Blessings
No, YOU are worth it. You aren't doing this work for them, never forget that. Had a similar situation in my life, still do. Shame rules me in ways I can't understand, and after a life of hardship I am barely beginning to get my head an inch out of the water. But I am proud to have come this far, and you should be to. Many don't survive a life of quiet desperation. Glad to see you here, may you find what you're looking for yourself one day.
Im right in the middle of the same thing right now. Suffering horrendously. Have done 99% of my life. Never developed self reliance. Unemployed most of the time. Only recently came to realise how horrifically I was treated by narcissistic parents. I hope I make it out of this rat-hole for my kids sake and my own. God bless you all.
Best quote/metaphor I ever heard re: big T & little t was, " you can drown in the ocean and you can drown in a bath tub - the damage is the same" & it really helped me put it into perspective
I'm going to write that proverb down on post it notes and stick them all over my parent's house. So that the next time they tell me that their big trauma is real and my little trauma is not, I can just point to the note instead of opening my mouth to incure more abuse by their retaliation of my words. I see a lot of people saying that they've gotten away from their narcissistic parents. I used to be independent, but I had to report my parents to the IRS in order to become independent. I no longer have the resources required to live on my own in this expensive world and I have no where else to go. I was born with a disability and have gained more disabilities since then from my parents extremely terrible decisions through my childhood trying to fix the disablity I was born with. I'm now 35, I have no advocate, and I'm still being used (for money) & narcissistically abused (Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually) by my boomer parents almost daily, in my childhood home. I still see this as a better alternative to living on the streets, where I would lose everything, including myself. I would lose all the progress I've made on myself. I've already survived the streets by the skin of my teeth, going back would be a regression of self and would ensure a long painful death.
I'd still say constant big T is much worse. People who dealt with covert narcissism like me can't act like it's as bad as someone who dealt with constant SA.
The little t trauma--the neglect--is the lifetime of relationships a person couldn't have because they were dysfunctional and couldn't figure out how to relate to other people. The little t trauma is the lifetime of jobs they couldn't get because not only could they not figure out how to relate to the interviewers, but because they didn't have the self-confidence to follow up on an interview or speak up for themselves, or the jobs or promotions they couldn't get because they couldn't speak up for themselves in an unfair job situation. And pile one of those situations on top of another, on top of another, on top of another. No one helps, because they weren't able to establish any relationships. But that little t is like the slow drip, drip, drip of erosion. The only amazing thing is to be 70 or 80 years old and realize that you survived all of it ALL BY YOURSELF.
27 วันที่ผ่านมา +14
I am single and childless for this reason. I just cannot connect to anyone. I'm too exhausted from the negative thoughts to have children even if I had been able to form a relationship.
Another word for it is called microaggressions, and yes, the damage is cumulative. Now, pile on top of all this, the trauma you can't escape because of things you can't hide, like skin color. The other day I was confronted with a situation where a friend of mine was challenged by a total stranger as to their immigration status. This person was born in America. They handled it with dignity, but I'm pretty sure it's not the first time its happened and the only reason this person was challenged in such a manner is their ethnicity. When I confronted the person who made that challenge their response was that they did not care. We are both part of a volunteer organization and when I pointed out that this could cost us a lot of goodwill, they said that they did not care. It has made me rethink my continuing involvement with this organization.
Well done MarthaCatMom. I understand implicitly. I recently put a book I wrote of my experiences in childhood and marriage on amazon kindle, but so far no one's read it. It's called Curb Your Narcissism.
@@theresemalmberg955I personally feel that you (and other SJWs) highjack this this small T trauma and make it all about ‘skin colour’ to fit some kind of agenda that has a nasty habit in the world today of highjacking just about everything!! It makes me really angry 😠
@@MsDamosmum Well I am sorry that it makes you feel really angry. Now I have to ask you something. Have you ever been challenged about your right to be somewhere just because someone made an assumption about you? Have you ever had anonymous phone calls calling you a slur? Have you ever had your home or vehicle vandalized because you belonged--or someone thought you belonged--to the "wrong" group? Or have you sailed through life free of all of this? You are making an assumption about me. You don't know me, you've never met me, but you feel free to make an assumption, just like the person in the volunteer group felt free to make an assumption about my friend. An assumption that could cost our group dearly because they also assumed that the person that they were making this assumption about is not someone who has a lot of influence in our community. Not so. We are now having to go into damage control mode. As I said, if you are one of the lucky ones who have never been on the receiving end of this, and you've never witnessed this, then yes, it is easy to dismiss this as making this all about race. At the end of the day, trauma is trauma, and if speaking out and letting people know that certain factors tend to compound trauma in already traumatized individuals makes me a SJW, then yes, I am a SJW and proud of it. I am not trying to hijack anything, I am trying to bring awareness.
😢You just described my childhood, Tim. I guess I'm a sensitive person. But I've spent my life trying to hide & suppress it. Sensitivity is too often ridiculed as weakness in our American society.
I personally don't like it being called Big T trauma and Little T trauma because Little T trauma sounds insignificant but its cumulative effects can be big. Alex Howard uses Overt and Covert trauma and that sits better with me. I love Tim Fletcher's work. He's really helped me understand things in a helpful, informative way. Many thanks Tim.
You can’t compare going through war, rape, a severe car accident, hurricanes or someone having a g*n to their head to little T. They are horrific to go through and your life is in danger and tend to cause PTSD.
Does the 'little t' do justice to what actually happens to a chronically neglected baby who is frightened to death? I, too, find the term unfortunate. It is not what appears spectacular from the perspective of an adult that makes the trauma significant, but how the victim experiences it.
The little t trauma is so misunderstood by so many people, even by people around me. And it makes me feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I've been in therapy almost all my life, just because I get so overwhelmed constantly. I have a great dramatherapist and a great coach that help me regulate my emotions. I'm growing and learning and I am proud of where I am right now. Your videos have helped a lot too. Giving words to feelings and behavior. So thank you, Tim, for sharing your wisdom ❤
@gember1382 hi ...great to hear about the things you are doing to heal yourself. Please consider making a video talking/demonstrating for the rest of us what dramatherapy is and how it has helped you... and posting a link to it. Only if it interests you to do so of course. ❤
Making a big deal out of nothing...I've felt like that many times when I've shared my little t trauma with people that don't understand trauma. "Let the past go, don't let it get you down, push past it, etc" of course then there's the "why didn't you just say no" well, because of freeze response, it's frustrating
Wow! You took a lifetime of issues and put it into a clear straightforward understandable synopsis that I've been trying to understand for 68 years. Wow!
I've tried to bring this up to my brother, but he says we grew up in different households, there was no neglect. It shaped my whole life. They were in the room, but they were not there. I have very real physical pain, but I had no clue how much was mental. I became an addict, and now I know why.
@@KarinaKarinaS Yeah, some people - like your brother - use denial as a coping-mechanism. Their minds will sequester certain memories, and alter others with a rosy paintbrush. The only thing you can do is to keep working on yourself, and build trust in your own perspective.
fight flight or fawn(faking death to protect self)/freeze--very familiar with this in my life and just realized the connection between release of opiods and addiction tendencies. wow. was often told "stop crying or i'll give you something to cry about." i started therapy in 1990, and just now at 59 i feel like a whole person deserving better in life. thankful to have survived and for my resilience in being here today.
@@Lyrielonwind i was essentially raised to become an addict by a workaholic/alcoholic narcissist father. The narcissistic family dynamic is enough to undermine your own sense of self.
@@h.j.chapin9595 I know. I have suffered and I'm still scarred. I say it because I think there's a correlation in the sense it's easier to fall into addiction if your body is flooded with your own opiates since childhood because your body is getting ready to get hurted like in freeze response. It's not that you can become an addict, you already were hooked since childhood but the drug didn't come from outside so, it didn't show.
I'm very aware how my trauma goes back generations with both of my parents. My grandmother had electric shock treatment shortly after giving birth to my father who was consequently very blocked emotionally, my mums mum was disowned by her family for a pregnancy out of wedlock, my mum was on valium for depression for most of my childhood, someone summed that up rather neatly by saying 'knock knock mums in but nobodies home'. These things obviously impact our lives, our behavior patterns, life choices etc. The positive now is understanding this me and my children (now adults) can discuss this subject and are more aware. To be honest when I look at world history in the last century or so I cannot imagine that many of us are without trauma of some kind 2 world wars didn't help.
Psychologically trauma is not about WHAT happened to you it's the lasting impact. I know people who have been severely injured in the most horrific ways and they have turned their lives around and it hasn't affected them as badly as others I know who were mildly bullied as children and have ended up disabled. It's about the nervous system response along with sensory type and approaches.
Massively agree with this! I've been looking into all aspects of human psychology, but particularly trauma, independently for about 13 years intensively now, and this is spot on! Which is refreshing to see as a lot of people don't understand this. Trauma is waaaaay more common then almost anyone thinks it is because of, as put here, the little T trauma, so much so most of it, and it's consequences, have been normalised (even more so then stated here tbh). This manifests differently in different cultures as different patterns of traumatising/traumatised behaviour is normalised, but still, every culture I have ever looked at has maaaaaassive problems with this. Sharing this! This is very well put!
I agree. The way society is set up to 'function' seriously erodes human possibility to experience joy and fulfillment. Time to turn the boat around. xx❤
I can never begin to know the pain you’ve experienced before, and I would never try to diminish it. But I will say two things: everything in life brings fear, because most of the things that we enjoy and have are constantly being taken away from us. Even bacteria, absent showers and teeth brushing, would eat us alive. And Most things in the world are against us. So we have this desperate attempt to both hold onto what we have and to try to pull forward and push forward to make progress. And if we’ve suffered any loss, physically, mentally or or otherwise, then our confidence is smashed and our faith that things can improve is likewise diminished. But again, I just want to tell you two things that you need to focus on instead: One, understand that everything in the world that you can see and touch is just physical, but there is a soul inside of you that has a place to go when you leave this earth. I don’t know if you know God or not, but if you don’t, fall flat on your knees and ask God to reveal himself. Ask Jesus to show himself to you and to take away your pain. Now, if you have already found the Lord, that’s great. But there’s still one thing that you lack regardless. That is an understanding of why we fear in the first place. Back to what I said earlier. The things that we lose and the traumas that we face and the disappointment and the pain and the heartbreak all contribute to a state of fear. But we have that fear because the things that were taken from us were things that we loved and cared about, even such as our own self image and self-esteem. These are things that it is normal to love and to cherish, but the love of these things in the world create a fear in us that we might lose these things. The only way to succeed, therefore, and to win, is to let them go, and to be willing to lose and to accept the loss and to stop loving the things of this world. You can only win by not fearing loss. In other words, you have to abandon the things that you know and adopt the things that you don’t. The things that you love are the things that you fear losing. Therefore, love God and hold onto him and forget about the world and all of its troubles. Live in the world, knowing that you have a place to go when you leave it. And never fear your loss because the fear of loss is greater than the loss itself If you don’t love the things that you are losing. Therefore, love misplaced can be dangerous. Love God. Seek God. The world is temporary. But God is forever and your eternal soul has a place with him. If you give yourself to him fully. He cannot only make you feel safe, but he can make you safe. Bless you and keep you.
@caryg4638 I do know Him, and in the past year, I have loved Him more with every passing day. But, you identified the source of the sorrow I carry. Funny, I was making an attempt at starting my day and being productive, but I was struggling, and I told Him every raw emotion I was feeling. I picked up my phone and saw your response. Fear of abandoning everyone, everything I have mistakenly clung to. Be assured that your message from our loving God was heard and understood. How do I thank you? I'm not quite sure. I guess it would be from the bottom of my heart. ❤️✝️ Your message was not just of kind, gentle words. They were words from His heart to mine. Thank you, Cary. You are gifted by The One Who Knows. I have to take His hand and move forward to the restoration He promised me. Bless you. May you forever receive the comfort you offer. God did a wonderful thing in your life. My turn. ❤️
So this is why I couldn’t leave. I felt totally incapable. Ignored or scolded for trying to get attention, even when I was only trying to complete an assigned task competently. Scolded for waiting to be assigned a task or not waiting and doing a task but picking the wrong one. So small, having a question or need: “Don’t interrupt my train of thought.” “Don’t be nosy.” “Mind your own business.” Or worse “WhyWHYwhyWHYwhy! I have better things to do than answer your questions all day!” So the only thing you can do is enter the room, step sideways out of the doorway (If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it people standing in doorways.” There were a lot of One Things) and wait to be noticed. You can stand there a long time. Longer than any other preschooler on the planet. So when I’m older, what do I do if I leave. Go stand somewhere and wait? Where? What am I waiting for? I don’t know how to ask anyone for help. I don’t know how to begin a conversation or even that it’s possible. How can a person be so incompetent? Trained only to be a well-behaved small child, I was stuck. I think I’m still stuck.
You need to unstick yourself... by going out into the world and make mistakes while trying to navigate. Practice good listening skills, as well as good speaking skills. Take note of your blindspots and weaknesses along with your many strengths that got you through a rough childhood. I honestly don't know anyone with a perfect, secure childhood - we all have baggage.❤
I had to watch my father and my uncle dismember a person and when it started he was alive. I was 6 and now I’m 35 and I can still smell, hear and see all of it like it was yesterday
Great talk, may I say to this statement _ 'it seems to the child no-one is there to help ' . It's a fact _ no-one is there to help, but some great pts and very informative. 😊
Most of us who survived childhood abuse got a mix of verbal, emotional, physical & sexual abuse but especially females experienced the latter. It destroys our lives. Correlates strongly with suicide
I hold that severe trauma is somewhat easier than minor trauma. When things are big enough, we accept we have no control over the situation. When things are minor, we think we should be able to handle the situation…which is worsened when we can’t handle it.
Yep. I’ve learned so much from Tim about why my brain is the way it is, and it makes me sad that my ability to “connect” with people has been eroded. Tim often says the key to healing trauma is connecting with safe people, but our society makes finding and keeping those people very difficult. It’s easier and less painful for me to be a lone wolf. I hope to change that one day, though.
My fellow black sheep. At least we can see the truth and talk about it. The non black sheep in our families are unable to even see the truth. We're not nearly as broken as some might think. We still clearly see reality.
@@ValreeaI agree. And safer especially if you haven't healed. It appears the world is exponentially becoming more narcissistic and cruel. I fully understand there are good people out there but they're few and far between these days.
Excellent! No wonder I was a more sensitive, shy, introverted child than my siblings and at the same time experienced more trauma and shame from the attention I didn't get from my narcissist Mom.
@louisebissonnette4872 I have several of his videos saved for viewing, and I have listened to some. I had no idea I would run into someone who understands the monster that is trauma. This man is offering help and healing through his research efforts and the sharing of his research. I am grateful beyond words.
@ So am I. He puts together all the pieces of understanding I’ve come across over the years. And explains everything so clearly. Now, not only my life makes sense but I have a path forward to follow. I no longer feel the helplessness I’ve have felt all my life.
I cringe to think of how much happened before I came on line. One of the first things I wondered was when my real family was coming to get me. Everyday was full of small t events, and a couple times a week were the yelling and physical occurrences. If it wasn’t coming from my parents, it was supplemented by my brothers. That went on for 15 years until they left and my dad started traveling for work. I got beat countless times, among all the other abuse that came with. Your content is helping me realize why I feel the way I do, at a deeper level of understanding than I have had. I know alternative thoughts around these patterns help temper my reactions, the triggers can come from anything. I have been in counseling for over 6 years now. It has helped with some of the really bad memories, but I have a lot of work to do for a better baseline. Thank you for your work. Some of us need to hear this on the regular.
I can so relate. I was lost/left behind in a zoo and as a compliant child sat down and waited for my parents. They did not miss me and I waited until closing, where the keeper found me sitting on a bench covered with happy exotic birds on me and sitting with me. He called for my parents. I remember hoping another family would find me and take me to be their child. It amazed me that at 5, I knew I could have a better life with different adults. And now my Dad feels neglected and lonely. Sorry but you set yourself up. We learned to be alone from you, Dad. You were unsafe. You still are unsafe.
the faster your oxytocin releases the healthier you are mentally / physically. during tragic times, my mind slows way down to just see & deal with what is right in front of me. not sure if it's considered normal or standard, it just allows me to be available to do what needs to be done. i was right behind a young driver who overcorrected a left turn and slammed into a street light pole. she hit her head somewhere in the car. she was obviously hysterical and scared. my job was to make sure she wasn't trapped, alert, dial 911, get them there, hug her while she's in total meltdown. get her to take deep breaths. she will be sore and traumatized for a bit. but A-Okay! poor girl was coming home from church services. my point, get to the bottom of who you are and develop strong, useful reactions regardless of who never taught you. life lessons are everywhere
So many people roll their eyes 👀 and tell me everyone has bad things happen in their life, so get over it…. Let it go, Offer it up. So condescending and insensitive.
Those folks that talk that way would fold in one day walking around under constant pressure. And, from my experience, God is a good God and ALWAYS gets vengeance on those type of people. Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord God Almighty, and trust me, God is not a liar.
It can be ignorance.. Or maybe I just realise: a form of jealousy (esp if a sibling talks like so to you) Thinking you seek attention and that annoys them
I was molested at 3 yrs old, had a gun pointed at my head, mentally , emotionally and physically abused, sexually abused at 13yrs old and my parents divorced at age 6yrs. My father was diagnosed with Schizophrenia at 27yrs old and my mother was an alcoholic. I lived in extreme poverty and had virtually nothing to eat. Jesus Christ delivered me from all the emotional pain of all this when I became a born again Christian. It’s not that I don’t remember what happened but emotionally it doesn’t affect me in any form or way. If you’re a born again Christians you are a new creation and the old man has passed away and you become brand new. I refuse point blank to allow the enemy to try and destroy my life by bringing up my past and trying to make me feel guilty, bad or neglected or rejected in any form or way because my heavenly father loves me and that emotional trauma is gone. I forgive my parents and hold them in high esteem because they knew no better than how they were raised. I remember many times my mother went without food to ensure we were fed. So I remember the times when my parents were good. I don’t focus on the bad times as God has retrained my mind to think of the things that are lovely, pure and beautiful to remember. Jesus is my saviour, deliverer, provider and healer. He’s my everything and I now live a very happy life with my family
4:22 Oh my god... I always wondered why my mother (who has both Big T and little t types of trauma; she passed it on down to me) had such freezing cold hands and feet. She also has struggled with opioid addiction. That's actually so mind-blowing to hear you say that. I've never heard about the physiological side of trauma like this before. Wow.
You have described how I’ve felt for all my life with amazing accuracy. And I have both big T and little T trauma; my entire life with a warped, jaded self, so unaware of the great degree in which both of my parents had abused and neglected me. The more the pain, the more the disconnect with my own mind, my own body. “Comfortably Numb” from Pink Floyd comes to mind. Thank you for your videos, they’re like a balsam to those of us who suffer from childhood trauma.
I experienced both big and little T trauma throughout childhood. I was fed and clothed, but there was constant emotional and physical violence, as well as complete emotional neglect and rejection from both parents. They even went so far as to prevent me from having a bond with my younger sibling. We were always separated by our mother if we dared to occupy the same room in the house. Now, I see that my mother was so insecure that she couldn’t tolerate any form of alliance between her daughters. She saw everyone, even her own children, as a threat. With two narcissistic parents and a narcissistic sister, I’m surprised I grew up to have a healthy level of empathy, warmth, and kindness for others. I look back in awe that I survived that nightmare.
Thank you.🙏🏻 Most don’t know, thinking mild abuse is normal for decades. Never too late to heal and learn about acceptance of human psychology. There would always be darkness and struggle in life for thousands of years before evolution finds ways….. 🙏🏻
7 min in and I'm like, "Yeah, when do we ever get to be happy, when does the joy ever come, is there ever a day mom can just laugh and have a good time, what does it take for dad to come home and be glad to be with us?" Joy never came, it was never a good day to just be happy. Not ever.
My dad was a bartender growing up and it seems the only time he was home was to eat shit and sleep. When he wasn't working he'd rather be hanging out around the corner at the Post. When he was home it was always go up to your room. I don't think he ever said hi to me growing up.
For me, buying things is how I survive all this. I was C section and my mother had fibroids removed at the same time so she never really connected with me. And she was also a narcissist. Plus lots of other trauma. I want to not do so much buying things, but it's what I know when I don't have a pet. This information is helpful but I really need GOD to help me more.
Try heart centering prayer 🙏 look it up! It’s meditation from the heart ♥️ breather deeply into your chest area then repeat a simple mantra like Bliss or something that only feels positive & it will send you higher. Try for only a few minutes at a time daily & think about it as a sip of ☮️
All i can say is thank you. I never believed anyone would understand. Im fighting back tears. You've just explained my entire life. I go through life in a permanent state of fear 😢
I had both. Alcoholic father who had a wicked temper with a mother who didn’t do anything to protect us, and an emotionally neglectful mother. Being highly sensitive this has really messed me up as an adult
Mr. Fletcher, thank you so much for this video. It has validated a realization I came to earlier this year. I've experienced both Big T and Little T trauma in my childhood. Until earlier this year I thought the Big T trauma was the cause of some my issues (which it likely is) but found out in my mid 40's that the Little T trauma was the cause of my deepest wound I'm aware of to date - low self worth! Feelings of not being enough. I am newly subscribed and I will be watching your past and present videos to gain more insight. Thanks again for posting your work and making it available for others who may not be able to experience in person therapy.
I am having such a hard time right now. I have CPTSD and have been trying to work through all of these things and I was feeling pretty good there for a while and now I’m back in the hole. And every day I just wanna go to bed and not wake up the next day it’s just so hard to face each day right now. Not to mention I live in a country that’s at war and it’s hard to face that every day as well aside from the fact that I can’t even leave the country even if I want to to, get away and have a break. I wish this got easier.
🤗❤️. Aww, I'm so sorry for your having to live with war on your doorstep! I can't imagine how hard that must be to deal with. Please know that I care about you across the globe in Ontario Canada. Hang in there 🤗
What broke the arm isn’t the trauma. The trauma is that the arm is broken. It is the result of the blow - whatever that blow was- that is the change to the threat response and neuro chemical cognitive function that is the result of whatever blow was taken that we need to work with to heal, manage life around. When I say “blow” I don’t mean physical abuse. I mean it in the context of violence prevention - “a hit is a hit is a hit” whether it is to sense of self, sense of belonging, sense of mattering/being equally important as a being to others. I grew up within felony level- CPS taking kids away if it was reported - conditions on a daily basis. I do not see the conditions that created my neuro- cognitive cptsd injury as being any factor to consider becayse all that matters is to tend to the impacts and heal/work with the system I now have and for others to do the same. Btw people on the autism spectrum (ie different neuro structure, genetically inherited, in utero brain formation and not to be confused w inflammatory conditions in brain that mimic autism symptoms/traits) are much more (70% I recall) likely to develop a ptsd injury from what people call small t trauma due to brain structure. If your trauma healing seems harder than normal you might be autistic and finding out will help you work w the brain you actually have. Love and support to all.
You are right. I was the 5th of eight children . my parents were married but they fought a lot and had financial problems. I grew up with low self esteem and fear. Mostly fear my parents would divorce, which they eventually did, and fear of bullies. I was fearful of people in general. I went through most of my life carrying that trauma around. Thankfullt, finallt, I have come to understand what happened to me and have the ability to forgive mtself. It was not my fault. And to forgive others. The pain has not completely gone away, but now I have learned to tuck it away in a little black box and not let it out as much. I have raised a beautiful daughter on my own and have 2 wonderful grandchildren. And most of the time now, I enjoy every minute of my own life and understand life as a whole much better.
you clarified something for me - my parents never met my intellectual need, and they verbally and emotionally abused me for not being able to think like them. i've spent my entire life looking for guidance from other people. i also experience severe body sensations when i have to learn or organize information. not too long ago, i learned that i am neurodivergent (not adhd) and thanks to inner child work i have started to figure out how i learn. i am smart, just not the kind of smart that was expected of me.
Thank you Tim. ❤ Do you have any knowledge to share regarding the effects of the brain chemicals and hormones of the mother... on the child developing in the womb? Could a sensitive child 'be aware' at some level in the womb, of its own danger, if the mother is in fear/danger herself and already sharing those chemicals?
Good question! Not necessarily awareness (as in they can process what is happening), but will likely have an impact on the development of the brain and nervous system, and could have life-long impacts. A lot of the emerging research is pointing in this direction, and I'm very open to it. (See studies by Jill M. Goldstein, et. al)
Thai so so true. Dr. Dan Allender said those with little t are the most dangerous. Bc they’re the most unaware of it and thus it leaches and they harm and don’t even know it
I remember being in highschool and starting to recognize some of my small-t trauma and feeling kinda jealous of people with big T Trauma because other people validated them but rarely validated *my* trauma. In fact, an older classmate/'friend' who I looked up to, who had plenty of big T Trauma, told me "[my name], you don't actually have problems, you just wish you did." Years later on getting diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder, I kept hearing his words echoing in my head. I guess that from his perspective, I got my wish -- whereas I saw it as finally being validated for all of the pain I feel all the time, every day, and why.
I was the most sensitive but it was also me very logically justifying everything that happened and was said on top of the big T stiff and so I brushed the little T off
I hate EVERYTHING about this talk. I have 100% recognition with this and realize that, in my 60's I'm still allowing myself to be the child here. I've never seen myself be described more correctly. Can I heal if i dont change my situation? My mother is 93 and I cannot abandon her at this point as my beliefs of a "good person" will not allow it. My husband has debilitating anxiety and i am his support system which has required cutting back on time with my adult children. Im not at bottom, but can see it from here
Why do you use example of Dad getting angry & yelling every night as a 'little T trauma' -- that's abuse, aggression, violence, externally obvious, surely part of Big T trauma? It's the 'nice' houses which look all fine on the surface but the child is feeling isolated/ unsupported - not even told anything negative, just a worn-out or ill parent...who the child worries about, too.. it's so subtle..
This video is as clear and understandable as ever. Thank you for that. I understand how you differentiate between the 'little t' and the 'big T'. But does the 'little t' do justice to what is actually happening? Look into the wide-open eyes of a cumulative attachment traumatised, neglected infant and you'll know that what they are experiencing is not 'small'. Nor is it normal or ordinary, it's abnormal. An anti-natural lack of instinct on the part of their caregivers, resulting from similar early abuse. It's not what seems spectacular to us that makes the trauma severe, but how the victim experiences it.
Beautiful and brilliant summation of the most common cause of trauma I have seen in recovery. I recognize it after years of struggle, I and can see myself, (and all my co-sufferers ) that adapt with substance abuse, codependency, and workaholics (etc etc). Thank you! I first discovered your insight with the Four F's. This is excellent a summation as I have ever seen! Bravo Tim Fletcher!
This gave so much more clarity to me on what happened and why. I just wish I didn’t feel like the only sane person in an insane family. They’re all very intelligent, why can’t they understand any of this?
I experienced Trauma as a Child and I am STILL, as an Adult Dealing with those effects to my Personality!!!! Trauma is REAL and it is ONLY JESUS CHRIST who has Given me VICTORY to WALK in Newness of Life, despite what I have endured! THANK YOU, JESUS!!
I loved your comment on identity. By recognizing my identity as a child of God I am able to alleviate my anxiety and depression. It makes me wonder about those fighting for identity today.
I am a new creation in Christ Jesus and his compassion fails not! His mercy is new every morning! I live in this reality for my hope is in him. He is my rock & my salvation. In him I will not be moved. Find rest for your souls in Christ alone🙏 God bless us all
Childhood emotional abuse & neglect by caregivers with OCD, that they still deny. My life - thus far - has been 35+ years of treatment-resistant depression, anxiety and OCD. Secondary trauma caused by having to force myself to maintain employment and manage life driven by terror of honelessness. Have I had better and worse times? Sure. But mostly I have had no life due to leaden paralysis & severe, severe depression. Now, in the latter half of my life, I have gone beyond ahedonia. I am just waiting to die. Even so, I am eating right and exercising to give myself the best chance of remaining ambulatory and having a peaceful & relatively pain ftee life.
YOu have saved my life. Thank you. The church is too constraining. In the name of teaching who God is and how to please him, my individuality and authenticity is taken away. Religion makes me sick. Thank god youtube recommended your video.
Sounds like the problem is not God but the doctrine/church. So many claim God as their only source of sanity happiness clarity & healing. I think hope & God must play a pivotal role in the process but not necessarily the building you are attending.
I wish we could all form a community to live near other people who understand these things, and support eachother in our healing and growing into who we actually are instead of feeling alone and scared in this messed up world. The being alone is a huge challenge for me, with no connection to anyone who gets me. I guess its all by design, so i will learn to help myself or drown in despair, there is really only one choice there because giving up is not an option
Yes thats why I didn't realize it was constant. I got so used to the constant simmer that I only noticed when it really boiled over which still wasn't uncommon but not often.
My sixty year's in this experience has not been a happy one. The worst part is it's still not a happy one.When another human impacts your quality of life for no reason none you have problems. The taughts running through my mind are not good because people get hurt. Such is life.
I've experienced childhood abuse from multiple caregivers SA abuse and physical, I was almost kidnapped or human trafficked but I managed to leave that country the same day, I've experienced narcissistic abuse from multiple people in my life and work, Ive experienced medical gaslighting when i then discovered i have serious life threatening autoimmune conditions, I had a close family member recently commit suicide ( I imagine he experienced the same abuse as me in his lifetime) yet my last therapist treated me like I was the problem and the trauma ive experienced in my life is little T trauma when I live dissociated nearly everyday and am trying hard to get back into my body. 🤦
I'd like to hear more about the oxytocin aspect. This is the first time I've seen Oxytocin mentioned as part of the threat response itself, possibly because it's a well-resourced response? too ordinary? or maybe it's rare - especially among those with 'little t' trauma, making the outcomes of 'big T' trauma worse. To reach out implies you grew and still have the bodily power of voice and other small acts, and implies *faith* or hope in connection to a stronger more resourced person who will respond positively. So is oxytocin how the body has some hope built in? Does it make that action feel worth while in the split second where it decides how to respond on your behalf? ie. a chemical that creates a sense of resource in the autonomic nervous system? ...Compared to say disorganised attachment that lacks that sense of a 'safe base', or simple 'trust' of a child with a caregiver, so in the face of threat a person might stall in confusion (potentially adding to danger, trying to assess a double threat) or dissociate (wait it out, wait to die or not die without feeling a care about it)
It makes me reflect on similar aspects. Oxytocin might simply oppress the fear of the foreign in moments of gestation, caring. I just realised that we might also go for oxytocin as opiod kicks in physical and other relationships. This may explain the acceptance of tumultous relationships that trigger more opiods than oxytocin. We might also bond to the wrong circumstances or people. It may therefore be linked to hope as hope is essentially linked to fear. Most people live on hope as last resort and cannot imagine a life without (specific) hopes. Being hopeful as such is different: it's rather a relaxed form of serenity and positive indifference = trust in life. To constantly go into fearful or emergency states as with adrenaline and dopamine highs is as extreme and depleting as 'high hopes'. Often followed by disappointment and demotivation/depression. Only to be exchanged for the next (delusional) kick of mania. I don't believe that just the bipolar are bipolar... we all are and especially those who were pushed early into a quick release of conflicting substances/emotions.
I have been listening to your video's often. Lots of it has become to me too however every experience suggests it has happened around birth. I have lived in a bubble until my 40's. No therapy helped my overcome the trauma except Ayahuasca. Most difficult to me is there is nobody who can really help with birth trauma which actually makes you get born with lots of pain en complexity. May all of us find peace in our body🙏
i experienced big trauma as a teenager and big trauma as an adult (my home was flooded). but what is nearly killing me is the fact, that i realized with 38, that i didnt have a "good childhood". the manipulation by my highly narcissistic mother was so perfect, that i had to become a parent myself to see the dysfunctional patterns. but i always had this gut feeling ... in the end everything makes sense.
Would growing up in a household with drugs and violence between your parents but you weren't physically abused just neglected would that be a little t or big t? I often felt I was just being weak and sensitive especially since my mom would invalidate me and tell me stop exaggerating. But there were lots of bad situations like him tormenting my dog in front of me choking my mom out jumping in front of a car I'm pretty sure that would affect any child not just sensitive ones correct?
As you say, ''most traumas happen on the mild, spectrum'', but some may have many traumas in the long term which can turn into complex PTSD. Some may have profound trauma -running from war and seeing very evil things. Each person's story is unique.
Trauma severity. Big event like a car crash/physical violent event or natural disaster = "T"rauma. 20 months ago, I found out I got stabbed in the back by someone I thought I could trust. Right now - I have to prepare myself to put my disabled son into a situation I know will NOT work for him if he is unable to develop some adult life skills. This Trauma is psychological. This is on top of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of this son and his dad. NB - there was NEVER ANY PHYSICAL ABUSE. The nature of the abuse - not dealing with their emotional baggage, punching down onto me to make themselves feel better about themselves. We need to recognise that psychological abuse CAN exist without physical abuse occurring. I've dealt with "t"trauma for some time until the "T"rauma of 20 months ago AND I'm having to deal with the possibility of another "T"rauma at some indeterminate time in the future.
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My attempts as a child to get my emotional needs met were often swatted away. Literally. Instead of connection I got shame. And fear of shame dominated my life. Which led to shameful consequences (being unable to show up as a man in my relationships or career). Eventually all roads led to shame and an impoverished life. I’m coming out of it now; after decades of waiting to be rescued. This is tough work people, but you are worth it. Blessings to all.
I’m so sorry. Children NEED affection, nurturing and emotional support.
@@Star-dj1kw thank you for the kind response. Last night I wrote Halloween cards to my children and the love that I felt for them also trickle down to my wounded inner child. It was poignant, felt good and it also hurt, and then I realized that my parents who are both still alive, simply didn’t have access to this type of love. they had locked their feelings away so completely. I really leveled up in that moment, and I could feel pity for them for not having access to the love I was feeling. It takes a great deal of work and persistence to break the bonds of generational, trauma and pain. They’ve never done the work they have no interest in doing the work, and as such, they’ll never feel the same connection. I can appreciate it more because I had to work so hard to get it. and divinity delights in my growth and celebrates my success. Blessings to all on their healing journey you are heroes. You are brave and strong. Keep it up. It’s worth it.
I am very sorry you went through this. Everyone deserves love and comfort but not everyone gets it. My husband is struggling with this too and never feels good enough. It has been a hard life for both of us. Blessings
No, YOU are worth it. You aren't doing this work for them, never forget that. Had a similar situation in my life, still do. Shame rules me in ways I can't understand, and after a life of hardship I am barely beginning to get my head an inch out of the water. But I am proud to have come this far, and you should be to. Many don't survive a life of quiet desperation. Glad to see you here, may you find what you're looking for yourself one day.
Im right in the middle of the same thing right now. Suffering horrendously. Have done 99% of my life. Never developed self reliance. Unemployed most of the time. Only recently came to realise how horrifically I was treated by narcissistic parents. I hope I make it out of this rat-hole for my kids sake and my own. God bless you all.
Best quote/metaphor I ever heard re: big T & little t was, " you can drown in the ocean and you can drown in a bath tub - the damage is the same" & it really helped me put it into perspective
Same
@@user-yd2ol9fj2k that's really good! thanks for sharing!
I'm going to write that proverb down on post it notes and stick them all over my parent's house. So that the next time they tell me that their big trauma is real and my little trauma is not, I can just point to the note instead of opening my mouth to incure more abuse by their retaliation of my words.
I see a lot of people saying that they've gotten away from their narcissistic parents. I used to be independent, but I had to report my parents to the IRS in order to become independent. I no longer have the resources required to live on my own in this expensive world and I have no where else to go.
I was born with a disability and have gained more disabilities since then from my parents extremely terrible decisions through my childhood trying to fix the disablity I was born with. I'm now 35, I have no advocate, and I'm still being used (for money) & narcissistically abused (Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually) by my boomer parents almost daily, in my childhood home. I still see this as a better alternative to living on the streets, where I would lose everything, including myself. I would lose all the progress I've made on myself. I've already survived the streets by the skin of my teeth, going back would be a regression of self and would ensure a long painful death.
I'd still say constant big T is much worse. People who dealt with covert narcissism like me can't act like it's as bad as someone who dealt with constant SA.
The little t trauma--the neglect--is the lifetime of relationships a person couldn't have because they were dysfunctional and couldn't figure out how to relate to other people. The little t trauma is the lifetime of jobs they couldn't get because not only could they not figure out how to relate to the interviewers, but because they didn't have the self-confidence to follow up on an interview or speak up for themselves, or the jobs or promotions they couldn't get because they couldn't speak up for themselves in an unfair job situation. And pile one of those situations on top of another, on top of another, on top of another. No one helps, because they weren't able to establish any relationships. But that little t is like the slow drip, drip, drip of erosion. The only amazing thing is to be 70 or 80 years old and realize that you survived all of it ALL BY YOURSELF.
I am single and childless for this reason. I just cannot connect to anyone. I'm too exhausted from the negative thoughts to have children even if I had been able to form a relationship.
Another word for it is called microaggressions, and yes, the damage is cumulative. Now, pile on top of all this, the trauma you can't escape because of things you can't hide, like skin color. The other day I was confronted with a situation where a friend of mine was challenged by a total stranger as to their immigration status. This person was born in America. They handled it with dignity, but I'm pretty sure it's not the first time its happened and the only reason this person was challenged in such a manner is their ethnicity. When I confronted the person who made that challenge their response was that they did not care. We are both part of a volunteer organization and when I pointed out that this could cost us a lot of goodwill, they said that they did not care. It has made me rethink my continuing involvement with this organization.
Well done MarthaCatMom. I understand implicitly. I recently put a book I wrote of my experiences in childhood and marriage on amazon kindle, but so far no one's read it. It's called Curb Your Narcissism.
@@theresemalmberg955I personally feel that you (and other SJWs) highjack this this small T trauma and make it all about ‘skin colour’ to fit some kind of agenda that has a nasty habit in the world today of highjacking just about everything!! It makes me really angry 😠
@@MsDamosmum Well I am sorry that it makes you feel really angry. Now I have to ask you something. Have you ever been challenged about your right to be somewhere just because someone made an assumption about you? Have you ever had anonymous phone calls calling you a slur? Have you ever had your home or vehicle vandalized because you belonged--or someone thought you belonged--to the "wrong" group? Or have you sailed through life free of all of this? You are making an assumption about me. You don't know me, you've never met me, but you feel free to make an assumption, just like the person in the volunteer group felt free to make an assumption about my friend. An assumption that could cost our group dearly because they also assumed that the person that they were making this assumption about is not someone who has a lot of influence in our community. Not so. We are now having to go into damage control mode. As I said, if you are one of the lucky ones who have never been on the receiving end of this, and you've never witnessed this, then yes, it is easy to dismiss this as making this all about race. At the end of the day, trauma is trauma, and if speaking out and letting people know that certain factors tend to compound trauma in already traumatized individuals makes me a SJW, then yes, I am a SJW and proud of it. I am not trying to hijack anything, I am trying to bring awareness.
This needs to be taught in Schools on regular basis would have saved me a lifetime of repeated trauma bonding and addictions😮
😢You just described my childhood, Tim. I guess I'm a sensitive person. But I've spent my life trying to hide & suppress it. Sensitivity is too often ridiculed as weakness in our American society.
hugs 🫂
Yes, but in reality it’s a super power
Same, in where I live
And today (11/06/2024), I feel no better about the u.s.a.'s prospects.
What have WE become?
@@ivylin8103 thank you! Back at you.😊
I personally don't like it being called Big T trauma and Little T trauma because Little T trauma sounds insignificant but its cumulative effects can be big. Alex Howard uses Overt and Covert trauma and that sits better with me. I love Tim Fletcher's work. He's really helped me understand things in a helpful, informative way. Many thanks Tim.
You can’t compare going through war, rape, a severe car accident, hurricanes or someone having a g*n to their head to little T. They are horrific to go through and your life is in danger and tend to cause PTSD.
hmm i like overt and covert better too, ty
Does the 'little t' do justice to what actually happens to a chronically neglected baby who is frightened to death? I, too, find the term unfortunate. It is not what appears spectacular from the perspective of an adult that makes the trauma significant, but how the victim experiences it.
Overt and Covert are much more objective and descriptive, thank you!
Given what I know now, to me the difference is either death by a blow (Trauma) or by a thousand cuts (trauma) .
The “little” T wired me to believe I was worth so little, that it set me up to attract a lot of “big” T in my life.
Well put
THIS.
Also, to my fellow sensitive peers here, the one thing I know is YOU CARE. Thats's EVERYTHING GOOD! 😍🙏🕊️
The little t trauma is so misunderstood by so many people, even by people around me. And it makes me feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I've been in therapy almost all my life, just because I get so overwhelmed constantly. I have a great dramatherapist and a great coach that help me regulate my emotions. I'm growing and learning and I am proud of where I am right now. Your videos have helped a lot too. Giving words to feelings and behavior. So thank you, Tim, for sharing your wisdom ❤
Hi, I am the president of the Overwhelmed club 😂. The club nobody wants to participate in.
@gember1382 hi ...great to hear about the things you are doing to heal yourself. Please consider making a video talking/demonstrating for the rest of us what dramatherapy is and how it has helped you... and posting a link to it.
Only if it interests you to do so of course. ❤
Making a big deal out of nothing...I've felt like that many times when I've shared my little t trauma with people that don't understand trauma. "Let the past go, don't let it get you down, push past it, etc" of course then there's the "why didn't you just say no" well, because of freeze response, it's frustrating
Lack of a support network turns a tough time into lifelong traumatization.
@@Solscapes. And the sharks can smell it.
Wow! You took a lifetime of issues and put it into a clear straightforward understandable synopsis that I've been trying to understand for 68 years. Wow!
I've tried to bring this up to my brother, but he says we grew up in different households, there was no neglect. It shaped my whole life. They were in the room, but they were not there. I have very real physical pain, but I had no clue how much was mental. I became an addict, and now I know why.
@@KarinaKarinaS Yeah, some people - like your brother - use denial as a coping-mechanism. Their minds will sequester certain memories, and alter others with a rosy paintbrush. The only thing you can do is to keep working on yourself, and build trust in your own perspective.
@@KarinaKarinaS sending you love.x
fight flight or fawn(faking death to protect self)/freeze--very familiar with this in my life and just realized the connection between release of opiods and addiction tendencies. wow. was often told "stop crying or i'll give you something to cry about." i started therapy in 1990, and just now at 59 i feel like a whole person deserving better in life. thankful to have survived and for my resilience in being here today.
Was told the same thing. Not much loving in my childhood. God Bless you.
I think that the connections between freeze response, and the release of opioids, and later adictions is very clarifying.
@@Lyrielonwind i was essentially raised to become an addict by a workaholic/alcoholic narcissist father. The narcissistic family dynamic is enough to undermine your own sense of self.
@@h.j.chapin9595
I know. I have suffered and I'm still scarred. I say it because I think there's a correlation in the sense it's easier to fall into addiction if your body is flooded with your own opiates since childhood because your body is getting ready to get hurted like in freeze response.
It's not that you can become an addict, you already were hooked since childhood but the drug didn't come from outside so, it didn't show.
I'm very aware how my trauma goes back generations with both of my parents. My grandmother had electric shock treatment shortly after giving birth to my father who was consequently very blocked emotionally, my mums mum was disowned by her family for a pregnancy out of wedlock, my mum was on valium for depression for most of my childhood, someone summed that up rather neatly by saying 'knock knock mums in but nobodies home'. These things obviously impact our lives, our behavior patterns, life choices etc. The positive now is understanding this me and my children (now adults) can discuss this subject and are more aware.
To be honest when I look at world history in the last century or so I cannot imagine that many of us are without trauma of some kind 2 world wars didn't help.
Psychologically trauma is not about WHAT happened to you it's the lasting impact. I know people who have been severely injured in the most horrific ways and they have turned their lives around and it hasn't affected them as badly as others I know who were mildly bullied as children and have ended up disabled. It's about the nervous system response along with sensory type and approaches.
Massively agree with this!
I've been looking into all aspects of human psychology, but particularly trauma, independently for about 13 years intensively now, and this is spot on! Which is refreshing to see as a lot of people don't understand this. Trauma is waaaaay more common then almost anyone thinks it is because of, as put here, the little T trauma, so much so most of it, and it's consequences, have been normalised (even more so then stated here tbh). This manifests differently in different cultures as different patterns of traumatising/traumatised behaviour is normalised, but still, every culture I have ever looked at has maaaaaassive problems with this.
Sharing this! This is very well put!
Thank you, you are helping so many people! We need to bring mental/emotional health care out of the dark ages.
I agree. The way society is set up to 'function' seriously erodes human possibility to experience joy and fulfillment.
Time to turn the boat around. xx❤
@@KimZoroGaming That would require getting the profit motive out of the "profession". That will only happen when people come together and demand it.
Started about 6 yrs of age. Now, as a senior, medical issues are constant. I have never felt safe in my life.
I can never begin to know the pain you’ve experienced before, and I would never try to diminish it. But I will say two things: everything in life brings fear, because most of the things that we enjoy and have are constantly being taken away from us. Even bacteria, absent showers and teeth brushing, would eat us alive. And Most things in the world are against us. So we have this desperate attempt to both hold onto what we have and to try to pull forward and push forward to make progress. And if we’ve suffered any loss, physically, mentally or or otherwise, then our confidence is smashed and our faith that things can improve is likewise diminished. But again, I just want to tell you two things that you need to focus on instead: One, understand that everything in the world that you can see and touch is just physical, but there is a soul inside of you that has a place to go when you leave this earth. I don’t know if you know God or not, but if you don’t, fall flat on your knees and ask God to reveal himself. Ask Jesus to show himself to you and to take away your pain. Now, if you have already found the Lord, that’s great. But there’s still one thing that you lack regardless. That is an understanding of why we fear in the first place. Back to what I said earlier. The things that we lose and the traumas that we face and the disappointment and the pain and the heartbreak all contribute to a state of fear. But we have that fear because the things that were taken from us were things that we loved and cared about, even such as our own self image and self-esteem. These are things that it is normal to love and to cherish, but the love of these things in the world create a fear in us that we might lose these things. The only way to succeed, therefore, and to win, is to let them go, and to be willing to lose and to accept the loss and to stop loving the things of this world. You can only win by not fearing loss. In other words, you have to abandon the things that you know and adopt the things that you don’t. The things that you love are the things that you fear losing. Therefore, love God and hold onto him and forget about the world and all of its troubles. Live in the world, knowing that you have a place to go when you leave it. And never fear your loss because the fear of loss is greater than the loss itself If you don’t love the things that you are losing. Therefore, love misplaced can be dangerous. Love God. Seek God. The world is temporary. But God is forever and your eternal soul has a place with him. If you give yourself to him fully. He cannot only make you feel safe, but he can make you safe. Bless you and keep you.
This isn't a safe society.
@caryg4638 I do know Him, and in the past year, I have loved Him more with every passing day. But, you identified the source of the sorrow I carry. Funny, I was making an attempt at starting my day and being productive, but I was struggling, and I told Him every raw emotion I was feeling. I picked up my phone and saw your response. Fear of abandoning everyone, everything I have mistakenly clung to. Be assured that your message from our loving God was heard and understood. How do I thank you? I'm not quite sure. I guess it would be from the bottom of my heart. ❤️✝️ Your message was not just of kind, gentle words. They were words from His heart to mine. Thank you, Cary. You are gifted by The One Who Knows. I have to take His hand and move forward to the restoration He promised me. Bless you. May you forever receive the comfort you offer. God did a wonderful thing in your life. My turn. ❤️
So this is why I couldn’t leave. I felt totally incapable. Ignored or scolded for trying to get attention, even when I was only trying to complete an assigned task competently. Scolded for waiting to be assigned a task or not waiting and doing a task but picking the wrong one. So small, having a question or need: “Don’t interrupt my train of thought.” “Don’t be nosy.” “Mind your own business.” Or worse “WhyWHYwhyWHYwhy! I have better things to do than answer your questions all day!” So the only thing you can do is enter the room, step sideways out of the doorway (If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it people standing in doorways.” There were a lot of One Things) and wait to be noticed. You can stand there a long time. Longer than any other preschooler on the planet. So when I’m older, what do I do if I leave. Go stand somewhere and wait? Where? What am I waiting for? I don’t know how to ask anyone for help. I don’t know how to begin a conversation or even that it’s possible. How can a person be so incompetent? Trained only to be a well-behaved small child, I was stuck. I think I’m still stuck.
You need to unstick yourself... by going out into the world and make mistakes while trying to navigate. Practice good listening skills, as well as good speaking skills. Take note of your blindspots and weaknesses along with your many strengths that got you through a rough childhood. I honestly don't know anyone with a perfect, secure childhood - we all have baggage.❤
I had to watch my father and my uncle dismember a person and when it started he was alive. I was 6 and now I’m 35 and I can still smell, hear and see all of it like it was yesterday
@@SPH-666 Holy shit dude. I’m sorry you went through that.
Bro has the big T 💀
Great talk, may I say to this statement _ 'it seems to the child no-one is there to help ' . It's a fact _ no-one is there to help, but some great pts and very informative. 😊
@@GayelAverkoff
You got it right. No one was there
Most of us who survived childhood abuse got a mix of verbal, emotional, physical & sexual abuse but especially females experienced the latter. It destroys our lives. Correlates strongly with suicide
I can totally relate, as a male. I've had it all.
Spot on.
I hold that severe trauma is somewhat easier than minor trauma. When things are big enough, we accept we have no control over the situation. When things are minor, we think we should be able to handle the situation…which is worsened when we can’t handle it.
OMG. This explains a lot of things that I've seen. Students, from 7 years old through college, need to hear this.
And the trauma continues throughout life. This is what leads to becoming a Lone Wolf. ✝️
Agree 💯
Yep. I’ve learned so much from Tim about why my brain is the way it is, and it makes me sad that my ability to “connect” with people has been eroded. Tim often says the key to healing trauma is connecting with safe people, but our society makes finding and keeping those people very difficult. It’s easier and less painful for me to be a lone wolf. I hope to change that one day, though.
My fellow black sheep. At least we can see the truth and talk about it. The non black sheep in our families are unable to even see the truth. We're not nearly as broken as some might think. We still clearly see reality.
Amen :-). Stoic.
@@ValreeaI agree. And safer especially if you haven't healed. It appears the world is exponentially becoming more narcissistic and cruel. I fully understand there are good people out there but they're few and far between these days.
I shouldn't have watched this before work. I don't even know how I feel right now, but wow, this is...wow. Validated but shaken.
Excellent! No wonder I was a more sensitive, shy, introverted child than my siblings and at the same time experienced more trauma and shame from the attention I didn't get from my narcissist Mom.
One of the best, if not the best, of your videos to show to people who don’t understand their family history.
@louisebissonnette4872 I have several of his videos saved for viewing, and I have listened to some. I had no idea I would run into someone who understands the monster that is trauma. This man is offering help and healing through his research efforts and the sharing of his research. I am grateful beyond words.
@ So am I. He puts together all the pieces of understanding I’ve come across over the years. And explains everything so clearly. Now, not only my life makes sense but I have a path forward to follow. I no longer feel the helplessness I’ve have felt all my life.
I cringe to think of how much happened before I came on line. One of the first things I wondered was when my real family was coming to get me. Everyday was full of small t events, and a couple times a week were the yelling and physical occurrences. If it wasn’t coming from my parents, it was supplemented by my brothers. That went on for 15 years until they left and my dad started traveling for work. I got beat countless times, among all the other abuse that came with.
Your content is helping me realize why I feel the way I do, at a deeper level of understanding than I have had.
I know alternative thoughts around these patterns help temper my reactions, the triggers can come from anything. I have been in counseling for over 6 years now. It has helped with some of the really bad memories, but I have a lot of work to do for a better baseline. Thank you for your work. Some of us need to hear this on the regular.
I can so relate. I was lost/left behind in a zoo and as a compliant child sat down and waited for my parents. They did not miss me and I waited until closing, where the keeper found me sitting on a bench covered with happy exotic birds on me and sitting with me. He called for my parents. I remember hoping another family would find me and take me to be their child. It amazed me that at 5, I knew I could have a better life with different adults.
And now my Dad feels neglected and lonely. Sorry but you set yourself up. We learned to be alone from you, Dad. You were unsafe. You still are unsafe.
@@loli3939 I am sorry this happened to you and hope you have found some peace later in life.
This is by far the best explanation of Trauma I've ever heard. Thank You. 🙏
I agree ❤️🩹
I have both big and little t trauma. Certainly explains why i turned out the way i did. I hope someday i can transend the trauma and live a good life.
The third chemical released are opioids. I’ve never heard this before. I totally relate. Thank you Tim.
the faster your oxytocin releases the healthier you are mentally / physically. during tragic times, my mind slows way down to just see & deal with what is right in front of me. not sure if it's considered normal or standard, it just allows me to be available to do what needs to be done. i was right behind a young driver who overcorrected a left turn and slammed into a street light pole. she hit her head somewhere in the car. she was obviously hysterical and scared. my job was to make sure she wasn't trapped, alert, dial 911, get them there, hug her while she's in total meltdown. get her to take deep breaths. she will be sore and traumatized for a bit. but A-Okay! poor girl was coming home from church services.
my point, get to the bottom of who you are and develop strong, useful reactions regardless of who never taught you. life lessons are everywhere
So many people roll their eyes 👀 and tell me everyone has bad things happen in their life, so get over it…. Let it go, Offer it up.
So condescending and insensitive.
Those folks that talk that way would fold in one day walking around under constant pressure. And, from my experience, God is a good God and ALWAYS gets vengeance on those type of people. Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord God Almighty, and trust me, God is not a liar.
People that say this don't understand trauma at all.
It can be ignorance..
Or maybe I just realise: a form of jealousy (esp if a sibling talks like so to you)
Thinking you seek attention and that annoys them
I was molested at 3 yrs old, had a gun pointed at my head, mentally , emotionally and physically abused, sexually abused at 13yrs old and my parents divorced at age 6yrs. My father was diagnosed with Schizophrenia at 27yrs old and my mother was an alcoholic. I lived in extreme poverty and had virtually nothing to eat. Jesus Christ delivered me from all the emotional pain of all this when I became a born again Christian. It’s not that I don’t remember what happened but emotionally it doesn’t affect me in any form or way. If you’re a born again Christians you are a new creation and the old man has passed away and you become brand new. I refuse point blank to allow the enemy to try and destroy my life by bringing up my past and trying to make me feel guilty, bad or neglected or rejected in any form or way because my heavenly father loves me and that emotional trauma is gone. I forgive my parents and hold them in high esteem because they knew no better than how they were raised. I remember many times my mother went without food to ensure we were fed. So I remember the times when my parents were good. I don’t focus on the bad times as God has retrained my mind to think of the things that are lovely, pure and beautiful to remember. Jesus is my saviour, deliverer, provider and healer. He’s my everything and I now live a very happy life with my family
Thank you, Tim Fletcher. My mom died when I was 8 and my Dad was an alcoholic. You’re helping me.
4:22 Oh my god... I always wondered why my mother (who has both Big T and little t types of trauma; she passed it on down to me) had such freezing cold hands and feet. She also has struggled with opioid addiction. That's actually so mind-blowing to hear you say that. I've never heard about the physiological side of trauma like this before. Wow.
I habe also been extremely sensitive my whole live. I stopped eating meat when I was 12 bc of the horrific factory farms
Holy moly. I am so sorry to hear these stories. Sending every one strength ❤❤❤
You have described how I’ve felt for all my life with amazing accuracy. And I have both big T and little T trauma; my entire life with a warped, jaded self, so unaware of the great degree in which both of my parents had abused and neglected me. The more the pain, the more the disconnect with my own mind, my own body. “Comfortably Numb” from Pink Floyd comes to mind.
Thank you for your videos, they’re like a balsam to those of us who suffer from childhood trauma.
@anaisabel5773 Sounds like you found tools and a diversion into music to take care of yourself. @unitednations
I can't thank you enough Sir- you explained this in such a simple, yet profound, way. Sharing this with everyone who will listen. ✨️
I experienced both big and little T trauma throughout childhood. I was fed and clothed, but there was constant emotional and physical violence, as well as complete emotional neglect and rejection from both parents. They even went so far as to prevent me from having a bond with my younger sibling. We were always separated by our mother if we dared to occupy the same room in the house. Now, I see that my mother was so insecure that she couldn’t tolerate any form of alliance between her daughters. She saw everyone, even her own children, as a threat. With two narcissistic parents and a narcissistic sister, I’m surprised I grew up to have a healthy level of empathy, warmth, and kindness for others. I look back in awe that I survived that nightmare.
Thank you.🙏🏻 Most don’t know, thinking mild abuse is normal for decades. Never too late to heal and learn about acceptance of human psychology. There would always be darkness and struggle in life for thousands of years before evolution finds ways….. 🙏🏻
7 min in and I'm like, "Yeah, when do we ever get to be happy, when does the joy ever come, is there ever a day mom can just laugh and have a good time, what does it take for dad to come home and be glad to be with us?" Joy never came, it was never a good day to just be happy. Not ever.
My dad was a bartender growing up and it seems the only time he was home was to eat shit and sleep. When he wasn't working he'd rather be hanging out around the corner at the Post. When he was home it was always go up to your room. I don't think he ever said hi to me growing up.
@@pmeehan_3 😢 hugs.
Thank you. This explains so much about my life. And it’s incredible how many healthcare professionals I’ve come across that don’t understand this.
People can't understand what they're paid to not understand.
For me, buying things is how I survive all this. I was C section and my mother had fibroids removed at the same time so she never really connected with me. And she was also a narcissist. Plus lots of other trauma. I want to not do so much buying things, but it's what I know when I don't have a pet. This information is helpful but I really need GOD to help me more.
Try heart centering prayer 🙏 look it up! It’s meditation from the heart ♥️ breather deeply into your chest area then repeat a simple mantra like Bliss or something that only feels positive & it will send you higher. Try for only a few minutes at a time daily & think about it as a sip of ☮️
@@caroleminke6116 Why would anyone sip from a broken cross? (That "peace" sign is actually used by witches. It's the death rune as well.)
I feel exactly the same, my answer to everything is to buy something, I live with dreadful neglect trauma...
@@andrewrees8749 I identify with the buying too. I truly feel for you because I do it too. Let's hang in there together?
All i can say is thank you. I never believed anyone would understand. Im fighting back tears. You've just explained my entire life. I go through life in a permanent state of fear 😢
This was a very good video. For one of the rare times, it made me feel understood. Thanks, Tim.
I had both. Alcoholic father who had a wicked temper with a mother who didn’t do anything to protect us, and an emotionally neglectful mother. Being highly sensitive this has really messed me up as an adult
Mr. Fletcher, thank you so much for this video. It has validated a realization I came to earlier this year. I've experienced both Big T and Little T trauma in my childhood. Until earlier this year I thought the Big T trauma was the cause of some my issues (which it likely is) but found out in my mid 40's that the Little T trauma was the cause of my deepest wound I'm aware of to date - low self worth! Feelings of not being enough.
I am newly subscribed and I will be watching your past and present videos to gain more insight. Thanks again for posting your work and making it available for others who may not be able to experience in person therapy.
There was fear and mistrust as a young child, but that was eventually overshadowed by depression and rage.
I am having such a hard time right now. I have CPTSD and have been trying to work through all of these things and I was feeling pretty good there for a while and now I’m back in the hole. And every day I just wanna go to bed and not wake up the next day it’s just so hard to face each day right now. Not to mention I live in a country that’s at war and it’s hard to face that every day as well aside from the fact that I can’t even leave the country even if I want to to, get away and have a break. I wish this got easier.
🤗❤️. Aww, I'm so sorry for your having to live with war on your doorstep! I can't imagine how hard that must be to deal with. Please know that I care about you across the globe in Ontario Canada. Hang in there 🤗
What broke the arm isn’t the trauma. The trauma is that the arm is broken. It is the result of the blow - whatever that blow was- that is the change to the threat response and neuro chemical cognitive function that is the result of whatever blow was taken that we need to work with to heal, manage life around. When I say “blow” I don’t mean physical abuse. I mean it in the context of violence prevention - “a hit is a hit is a hit” whether it is to sense of self, sense of belonging, sense of mattering/being equally important as a being to others. I grew up within felony level- CPS taking kids away if it was reported - conditions on a daily basis. I do not see the conditions that created my neuro- cognitive cptsd injury as being any factor to consider becayse all that matters is to tend to the impacts and heal/work with the system I now have and for others to do the same. Btw people on the autism spectrum (ie different neuro structure, genetically inherited, in utero brain formation and not to be confused w inflammatory conditions in brain that mimic autism symptoms/traits) are much more (70% I recall) likely to develop a ptsd injury from what people call small t trauma due to brain structure. If your trauma healing seems harder than normal you might be autistic and finding out will help you work w the brain you actually have. Love and support to all.
You are right. I was the 5th of eight children . my parents were married but they fought a lot and had financial problems. I grew up with low self esteem and fear. Mostly fear my parents would divorce, which they eventually did, and fear of bullies. I was fearful of people in general. I went through most of my life carrying that trauma around. Thankfullt, finallt, I have come to understand what happened to me and have the ability to forgive mtself. It was not my fault. And to forgive others. The pain has not completely gone away, but now I have learned to tuck it away in a little black box and not let it out as much. I have raised a beautiful daughter on my own and have 2 wonderful grandchildren. And most of the time now, I enjoy every minute of my own life and understand life as a whole much better.
I love the way you took very difficult subjects and made them so simple and easy to understand
Helped me understand a lot, thank you
you clarified something for me - my parents never met my intellectual need, and they verbally and emotionally abused me for not being able to think like them. i've spent my entire life looking for guidance from other people. i also experience severe body sensations when i have to learn or organize information. not too long ago, i learned that i am neurodivergent (not adhd) and thanks to inner child work i have started to figure out how i learn. i am smart, just not the kind of smart that was expected of me.
Thank you Tim. ❤
Do you have any knowledge to share regarding the effects of the brain chemicals and hormones of the mother... on the child developing in the womb?
Could a sensitive child 'be aware' at some level in the womb, of its own danger, if the mother is in fear/danger herself and already sharing those chemicals?
Good question! Not necessarily awareness (as in they can process what is happening), but will likely have an impact on the development of the brain and nervous system, and could have life-long impacts. A lot of the emerging research is pointing in this direction, and I'm very open to it. (See studies by Jill M. Goldstein, et. al)
@@TimFletcher thank you .
Thai so so true. Dr. Dan Allender said those with little t are the most dangerous. Bc they’re the most unaware of it and thus it leaches and they harm and don’t even know it
I remember being in highschool and starting to recognize some of my small-t trauma and feeling kinda jealous of people with big T Trauma because other people validated them but rarely validated *my* trauma. In fact, an older classmate/'friend' who I looked up to, who had plenty of big T Trauma, told me "[my name], you don't actually have problems, you just wish you did."
Years later on getting diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder, I kept hearing his words echoing in my head. I guess that from his perspective, I got my wish -- whereas I saw it as finally being validated for all of the pain I feel all the time, every day, and why.
did anyone else also cry listening to this? 🥲
This explains a lot for me. Thank you.
I was the most sensitive but it was also me very logically justifying everything that happened and was said on top of the big T stiff and so I brushed the little T off
Poor parents will point the framework of your mind in this direction, "yeah I beat you but you're not dead".
@@bloohaus8670 exactly 💯 ❤️
Exactly! Somehow justifying this fear-based "parenting" aka, abuse. We need and deserve better tools for raising children.
I hate EVERYTHING about this talk. I have 100% recognition with this and realize that, in my 60's I'm still allowing myself to be the child here. I've never seen myself be described more correctly.
Can I heal if i dont change my situation? My mother is 93 and I cannot abandon her at this point as my beliefs of a "good person" will not allow it. My husband has debilitating anxiety and i am his support system which has required cutting back on time with my adult children. Im not at bottom, but can see it from here
Why do you use example of Dad getting angry & yelling every night as a 'little T trauma' -- that's abuse, aggression, violence, externally obvious, surely part of Big T trauma? It's the 'nice' houses which look all fine on the surface but the child is feeling isolated/ unsupported - not even told anything negative, just a worn-out or ill parent...who the child worries about, too.. it's so subtle..
Very helpful, thank you!
This video is as clear and understandable as ever. Thank you for that. I understand how you differentiate between the 'little t' and the 'big T'. But does the 'little t' do justice to what is actually happening? Look into the wide-open eyes of a cumulative attachment traumatised, neglected infant and you'll know that what they are experiencing is not 'small'. Nor is it normal or ordinary, it's abnormal. An anti-natural lack of instinct on the part of their caregivers, resulting from similar early abuse. It's not what seems spectacular to us that makes the trauma severe, but how the victim experiences it.
Ah, so beautifully said! I love the way you have described this.
Thanks for this. I'm blown away.
Beautiful and brilliant summation of the most common cause of trauma I have seen in recovery. I recognize it after years of struggle, I and can see myself, (and all my co-sufferers ) that adapt with substance abuse, codependency, and workaholics (etc etc). Thank you! I first discovered your insight with the Four F's. This is excellent a summation as I have ever seen! Bravo Tim Fletcher!
This gave so much more clarity to me on what happened and why. I just wish I didn’t feel like the only sane person in an insane family. They’re all very intelligent, why can’t they understand any of this?
I excelled at sensitively articulating every nuanced emotion, observation, & need TO. NO. AVAIL.EVER.
I experienced Trauma as a Child and I am STILL, as an Adult Dealing with those effects to my Personality!!!! Trauma is REAL and it is ONLY JESUS CHRIST who has Given me VICTORY to WALK in Newness of Life, despite what I have endured! THANK YOU, JESUS!!
Amen!
Amen indeed. 🙏🏼
You can do emdr to help those experiences
Amen & Amen
He is the Great Healer🙏
Yes Amen thank you Lord!
I loved your comment on identity. By recognizing my identity as a child of God I am able to alleviate my anxiety and depression. It makes me wonder about those fighting for identity today.
I am a new creation in Christ Jesus and his compassion fails not! His mercy is new every morning! I live in this reality for my hope is in him. He is my rock & my salvation. In him I will not be moved. Find rest for your souls in Christ alone🙏 God bless us all
Childhood emotional abuse & neglect by caregivers with OCD, that they still deny. My life - thus far - has been 35+ years of treatment-resistant depression, anxiety and OCD. Secondary trauma caused by having to force myself to maintain employment and manage life driven by terror of honelessness. Have I had better and worse times? Sure. But mostly I have had no life due to leaden paralysis & severe, severe depression. Now, in the latter half of my life, I have gone beyond ahedonia. I am just waiting to die. Even so, I am eating right and exercising to give myself the best chance of remaining ambulatory and having a peaceful & relatively pain ftee life.
YOu have saved my life. Thank you. The church is too constraining. In the name of teaching who God is and how to please him, my individuality and authenticity is taken away. Religion makes me sick.
Thank god youtube recommended your video.
Sounds like the problem is not God but the doctrine/church.
So many claim God as their only source of sanity happiness clarity & healing. I think hope & God must play a pivotal role in the process but not necessarily the building you are attending.
I wish we could all form a community to live near other people who understand these things, and support eachother in our healing and growing into who we actually are instead of feeling alone and scared in this messed up world. The being alone is a huge challenge for me, with no connection to anyone who gets me. I guess its all by design, so i will learn to help myself or drown in despair, there is really only one choice there because giving up is not an option
Yes thats why I didn't realize it was constant. I got so used to the constant simmer that I only noticed when it really boiled over which still wasn't uncommon but not often.
This was me as a kid..totally still struggling. Wow greatvinsight.
My sixty year's in this experience has not been a happy one. The worst part is it's still not a happy one.When another human impacts your quality of life for no reason none you have problems. The taughts running through my mind are not good because people get hurt. Such is life.
This is excellent. I didn't know that about oxytocin & opiods
I've experienced childhood abuse from multiple caregivers SA abuse and physical, I was almost kidnapped or human trafficked but I managed to leave that country the same day, I've experienced narcissistic abuse from multiple people in my life and work, Ive experienced medical gaslighting when i then discovered i have serious life threatening autoimmune conditions, I had a close family member recently commit suicide ( I imagine he experienced the same abuse as me in his lifetime) yet my last therapist treated me like I was the problem and the trauma ive experienced in my life is little T trauma when I live dissociated nearly everyday and am trying hard to get back into my body. 🤦
I'd like to hear more about the oxytocin aspect.
This is the first time I've seen Oxytocin mentioned as part of the threat response itself, possibly because it's a well-resourced response? too ordinary? or maybe it's rare - especially among those with 'little t' trauma, making the outcomes of 'big T' trauma worse.
To reach out implies you grew and still have the bodily power of voice and other small acts, and implies *faith* or hope in connection to a stronger more resourced person who will respond positively. So is oxytocin how the body has some hope built in? Does it make that action feel worth while in the split second where it decides how to respond on your behalf? ie. a chemical that creates a sense of resource in the autonomic nervous system?
...Compared to say disorganised attachment that lacks that sense of a 'safe base', or simple 'trust' of a child with a caregiver, so in the face of threat a person might stall in confusion (potentially adding to danger, trying to assess a double threat) or dissociate (wait it out, wait to die or not die without feeling a care about it)
It makes me reflect on similar aspects. Oxytocin might simply oppress the fear of the foreign in moments of gestation, caring.
I just realised that we might also go for oxytocin as opiod kicks in physical and other relationships. This may explain the acceptance of tumultous relationships that trigger more opiods than oxytocin. We might also bond to the wrong circumstances or people. It may therefore be linked to hope as hope is essentially linked to fear.
Most people live on hope as last resort and cannot imagine a life without (specific) hopes. Being hopeful as such is different: it's rather a relaxed form of serenity and positive indifference = trust in life.
To constantly go into fearful or emergency states as with adrenaline and dopamine highs is as extreme and depleting as 'high hopes'. Often followed by disappointment and demotivation/depression. Only to be exchanged for the next (delusional) kick of mania.
I don't believe that just the bipolar are bipolar... we all are and especially those who were pushed early into a quick release of conflicting substances/emotions.
@@annelbeab8124🤔
Amazing lecture, thank you so much
I have been listening to your video's often. Lots of it has become to me too however every experience suggests it has happened around birth. I have lived in a bubble until my 40's. No therapy helped my overcome the trauma except Ayahuasca. Most difficult to me is there is nobody who can really help with birth trauma which actually makes you get born with lots of pain en complexity.
May all of us find peace in our body🙏
i experienced big trauma as a teenager and big trauma as an adult (my home was flooded). but what is nearly killing me is the fact, that i realized with 38, that i didnt have a "good childhood". the manipulation by my highly narcissistic mother was so perfect, that i had to become a parent myself to see the dysfunctional patterns. but i always had this gut feeling ... in the end everything makes sense.
Why are you not in Denmark ? This is so Well explained.
Would growing up in a household with drugs and violence between your parents but you weren't physically abused just neglected would that be a little t or big t? I often felt I was just being weak and sensitive especially since my mom would invalidate me and tell me stop exaggerating. But there were lots of bad situations like him tormenting my dog in front of me choking my mom out jumping in front of a car I'm pretty sure that would affect any child not just sensitive ones correct?
Excellente Excellente Excellente
No wonder we're all Screwed up 😢 😮
Been living in survival mode since grade six
I can relate. I've been in survival mode since I was 5 years old.
Thank you.
If one person broke a leg, and another person broke a finger, both people broke bones and both pains are valid.
As you say, ''most traumas happen on the mild, spectrum'', but some may have many traumas in the long term which can turn into complex PTSD. Some may have profound trauma -running from war and seeing very evil things. Each person's story is unique.
I think “mild trauma” is a self-contradiction. Such a thing cannot exist by definition. Sorry, Tim is wrong here.
Thank you so much 🙏🏼💕
All intentional. That is the hard part.
what is the brain of a little t or big t trauma? how do you quantify trauma in the brain exactly?
OK so what do we do about it??
Trauma severity. Big event like a car crash/physical violent event or natural disaster = "T"rauma.
20 months ago, I found out I got stabbed in the back by someone I thought I could trust. Right now - I have to prepare myself to put my disabled son into a situation I know will NOT work for him if he is unable to develop some adult life skills. This Trauma is psychological.
This is on top of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of this son and his dad. NB - there was NEVER ANY PHYSICAL ABUSE. The nature of the abuse - not dealing with their emotional baggage, punching down onto me to make themselves feel better about themselves.
We need to recognise that psychological abuse CAN exist without physical abuse occurring. I've dealt with "t"trauma for some time until the "T"rauma of 20 months ago AND I'm having to deal with the possibility of another "T"rauma at some indeterminate time in the future.
God help us, people can make or break us, esp those who matter to us. Takes so long to come out from under the effects of it all.