The poignant tip which I wrote down as an initial source of communication is at minute 8:19: “ I would like to understand what is going on. And I don’t think I have all the information. I don’t think I know fully what you are going through. I care about you and I really want to understand it. So when you are ready I would really like to know more.” Even as I write this I am aware of the anxiety it brings up AND also the relief to be able to place words to the initial conversation bridge. So thank you.
This is gold i want a Healthy relationship and I never seen what that looked like growing up now after watching you both demonstrated it in Videos I know what it should look like and I know what it sounds like you both are giving me the tools to not only articulate how I feel by owning what i feel and not Projecting it on to my boyfriend also to except how my partner feels and to understand each other in such a deeper way by Communicating how we feel is giving someone the roadmap to such Intimate connection I feel like it builds trust and teaches us how to work together as a team ❤
How do you go forward when both people are distancers? Almost no communication between in person visits. When we are in person we get along great! He is definitely a distancer and I am a person who will not be the initiater so I am not perceived as a pursuer.
When they are ready? I’m the anxiety & he’s the avoidant. 3-days later he makes believe that nothing happened. When I bring the conflict up again, he’s not available to talk about it and goes avoidant again. I’ve built up resentment over time because there was no conflict resolution.
That's my experience, too. If I just never bring up sore topics, he's very content. Unfortunately, with almost 20 years of marriage, there's a LOT swept under the carpet and it makes the ground feel unstable. He's SUPER avoidant, and I think I skew a bit avoidant, too. Not sure if that's just a reaction to having spent half my life in a relationship with him, or what. It used to break my heart that he didn't seem to love me. It's confusing that he wanted to marry me, but didn't seem to like spending time with me. Maybe I'm secure, as he used to think I was very needy. I figured that probably I was too much and asked for too much so I isolated myself out of shame, but looking back, I think I didn't have unrealistic expectations for marriage. Now it's a bit like the kids and I are a family and he's also there. It still makes me sad and lonely, but I've detached from him by framing it in my mind as a colleague situation instead of being married. It's much calmer now. I think he's relieved that I settled down and am "sensible" and less needy, and my moving out of the bedroom and lack of touching is confusing to him(I'm guessing... How could I know when he doesn't talk?) but it's not so troubling that he'd initiate a conversation about it. We both care about the kids and never fight, and it was okay for a year but now I'm starting to need some change. I find it very confusing if I let myself think about it. He's leading his own life, as separated from us as he can manage, but he bought flowers for me on our anniversary, and never lets on that he is aware of any tension between us. 🤔
Excellent topic. I’ve needed to hear much of this for a long time. My guy distances but not as much with his time as emotional. And I struggle with sharing my needs, so this video I will be revisiting.
The poignant tip which I wrote down as an initial source of communication is at minute 8:19: “ I would like to understand what is going on. And I don’t think I have all the information. I don’t think I know fully what you are going through. I care about you and I really want to understand it. So when you are ready I would really like to know more.” Even as I write this I am aware of the anxiety it brings up AND also the relief to be able to place words to the initial conversation bridge. So thank you.
This is gold i want a Healthy relationship and I never seen what that looked like growing up now after watching you both demonstrated it in Videos I know what it should look like and I know what it sounds like you both are giving me the tools to not only articulate how I feel by owning what i feel and not Projecting it on to my boyfriend also to except how my partner feels and to understand each other in such a deeper way by Communicating how we feel is giving someone the roadmap to such Intimate connection I feel like it builds trust and teaches us how to work together as a team ❤
🙏🏼glad you liked it, thanks for watching
Wqtching this as part of a curriculiam for a course i am taking in school on working with familes
Wow! Liked the tips! So glad you made this video! Will be saving it in my faves
Glad you liked it!
Readings this and having all sorts of realizations about myself, how I was and how I’ve behaved towards my partner. And it hurts.
How do you go forward when both people are distancers? Almost no communication between in person visits. When we are in person we get along great! He is definitely a distancer and I am a person who will not be the initiater so I am not perceived as a pursuer.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts
Sure but what to do?🤷♀️
it’s just a matter of time before one of you comes forward to connect. that person can lead for the team. make an agreement about that.
When they are ready? I’m the anxiety & he’s the avoidant. 3-days later he makes believe that nothing happened. When I bring the conflict up again, he’s not available to talk about it and goes avoidant again. I’ve built up resentment over time because there was no conflict resolution.
ouch
That's my experience, too. If I just never bring up sore topics, he's very content. Unfortunately, with almost 20 years of marriage, there's a LOT swept under the carpet and it makes the ground feel unstable.
He's SUPER avoidant, and I think I skew a bit avoidant, too. Not sure if that's just a reaction to having spent half my life in a relationship with him, or what. It used to break my heart that he didn't seem to love me. It's confusing that he wanted to marry me, but didn't seem to like spending time with me. Maybe I'm secure, as he used to think I was very needy. I figured that probably I was too much and asked for too much so I isolated myself out of shame, but looking back, I think I didn't have unrealistic expectations for marriage.
Now it's a bit like the kids and I are a family and he's also there. It still makes me sad and lonely, but I've detached from him by framing it in my mind as a colleague situation instead of being married. It's much calmer now. I think he's relieved that I settled down and am "sensible" and less needy, and my moving out of the bedroom and lack of touching is confusing to him(I'm guessing... How could I know when he doesn't talk?) but it's not so troubling that he'd initiate a conversation about it.
We both care about the kids and never fight, and it was okay for a year but now I'm starting to need some change.
I find it very confusing if I let myself think about it. He's leading his own life, as separated from us as he can manage, but he bought flowers for me on our anniversary, and never lets on that he is aware of any tension between us. 🤔
Excellent topic. I’ve needed to hear much of this for a long time. My guy distances but not as much with his time as emotional. And I struggle with sharing my needs, so this video I will be revisiting.
Same here! Also struggle with sharing my needs
Glad you liked it!!
I am so in love with you guys! 💛
Me too! Lol
Thanks!
Love this so much - thank you for sharing!
You're welcome. Glad you liked it!
This is super relevant and helpful. Thanks so much for this content.
Thanks!
I love this thank you both so much ❤️
So glad!
Cheers, sent to my wife to tell how wrong she is