Fight Smarter: Avoid the Most Common Argument Patterns - Esther Perel
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 23 มี.ค. 2017
- “Once in awhile I am late and my boyfriend takes it so personally. I can understand why he gets upset but he blows it way out of proportion and triggers our biggest fights. How can I convince him it’s not about him?" - Paul, Fort Collins, Colorado
No relationship is free of conflict. Listen to my advice on ways to resolve the most common argument patterns and learn how to fight better.
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For more relational resources from Esther Perel, visit estherperel.com.
"In arguments and in hurts, I suggest that you do not think about yourself as the person with the right measurement stick of what is worthy of being upset about and what is not"
My boyfriend decides whats worth being upset and whats not. Leaving him now.
@@kiranmahilange9 ❤️❤️❤️
@@kiranmahilange9 I do also and I’m stopping now because I want to do better
U
This is bullshit advice when you are dealing with someone who is emotionally abusive.
“It is truth of your experience, but not necessarily the truth of what happens.” I’m going to try to remember that. 💛
JudyAnne same here!
It’s a truly poetic line, but if said to a true narcissist, is a waste of time.
This is total Ashkenazi psycho babal.
Same here.. Might help me prevent some fights in our home. 😊
Story of my relationship
This woman has such a way of articulating what most of us feel and (likely) fail to communicate effectively on a regular basis
And it is not in her mother tongue too 🤯
Esther basically gives free psychology advice and people use the thumbs down.
Nessa V what I find incredibly sad is that so many people waste their precious time watching Dr Phil crap or Jeremy Kyle, both repugnant!
Those who thumbs down are the psychologists who dont want couples to grow together.
I don’t think Ester loses any sleep over this...
Yeah, people suck
Crazy isn’t it?
This is hard advice to follow when the other party doesn’t have this same realization and willingness to reconcile.
So true....
if you want to be with the other person, you might not always want to judge the situation from your own pov. if you cant do that then dont be in that relationship. think about when you are irrational, do you want your SO to break up every time you are illogical?
facts
You should send them this video :)
exactly. her advice is given on the assumption that both parties love each other and will do whatever it takes to make it work. sadly, a lot of couples have gone beyond that and simply can't work anymore.
Great advice! This even goes beyond romantic relationships but all relationships.
Absolutely@all relationships
If you want to have a long term happy relationship with your partner do not make winning arguments a goal. Being a winner means there is a loser. Argue to reach common ground.
Excellent video.
Bingo!
"Most Difficult part is knowing needs and expectations of your partner". We were always too shy to openly talk about it. My husband eventually found a better way to deal with it. We started playing couple question games like "lovify". In this game you have to guess what your partner likes. And, with these games we got to know a lot about each other ❤
Don't justify or explain; just apologize, let him be mad and empathize. Easier said than done.... for now.
This is great advice. thank you!
"Mine is situational, yours is circumstantial" I will try to avoid "always" and "never" during fights. Thanks for the incredible advise as usual :)
But wut does it mean?
This video is about so much more than "being late." The insight on "confirmation bias" is incredible! I am so guilty of this and I knew it wasn't good, but I could not see the whole scope of it. Thank you! I just discovered your videos and am excited about learning more on not changing my wife, but changing ME.
J Hask
Amen! The ONE person we CAN change 🌞🙏🏻♥️
how is now 3 years later?
I found her by chance on tik tok then look her up on TH-cam she is amazing worth watching 🌹
And 5 years later?
“Confirmation Bias” becomes so overwhelming when you are in a relationship with a narcissistic gaslighter. You end up living your entire relationship trying to prove to yourself that they don’t care about you and then you go crazy 😜
Yes if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist this video isn’t for you they run by different rules. I suggest Ramani Durvasula
I had a fight with my husband which was actually a build up of a lot of resentment after we had a baby.. I was taking out my frustration on him unknowingly thinking he didn't care. He had a massive outburst one night. Finally that night I watched one of your videos Esther, and next day everything changed. Changing my attitude towards him, my apology and the way I carried it off so gracefully thanks to you made wonders happen. So yeah, true fan of your talks! Stay blessed and keep churning up these beautiful insights! :D
Cher , you have the golden key.
Most men have never had a woman apologize to them. From their Moms and sisters right through to their wives it just doesn't happen.
Men are taught to apologize and shake hands , women generally sort things out differently.
We're all learners. Good work.
@@plusbonus1165 and sometimes someone can apologize all of the time and the other person seems to forget every single time. LOL we humans are the funniest.
@@plusbonus1165
If you look at research you will see that women apologise more than men.
This is very easy for you to research to see in correct.
She changes lives. Facts.
@@plusbonus1165 I apologize with a sincere will to be a better wife every week to my husband and he sometimes says a short sorry so I dont get mad so I dont know where you got your information
"Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action."
Lady! the way you word this... you have a true gift to the point i can not explicate....Wow!!!! you have change my interior thought process.
She is absolutely amazing!!
Sheba , just apologize to your man and be prepared for him to faint !
The fun happens later !!
"Confirmation Bias" has never felt so accurate in my entire life. Omg - A- I am so aware now.
I could listen to you all day, Esther. You deserve the Nobel Peace prize.
Oh, God! Now I feel so ashamed after watching this video.
We had a huge argument last night just because she forgot to buy the eggs that I asked for. And I tried hard to remember some of the advises that you already gave but none came to mind, since I was so numb with anger. I think that what infuriated me the most was the fact that we were in such a great mood before this. So, first I started to complain about the eggs but it turn into a strange cicle of arguments about the argument we were having. Very paradoxal...
Anyway, thanks a lot for your videos! It helped us a lot. I always watch more than once to try to get the whole message.
Greetings from Brasil!
You've said it. We know the logic and the theory but once something upsets us we seem to forget. It's hard remaining cold when you are on fire!
You were numb with anger because she forgot to buy eggs? Hmmmm......
Man just wanted some eggs.
I love your honesty! Thanks. We all are dumb and petty sometimes. I'm working on making sure I own my dumbness. There. New word.
@@TheIrishBosnian 🤣
Esther is an incredibly communicator. Precise, concise, ordered, easy to understand for everyone.
As I get older and crave for something meaningful and long-lasting, Esther’s wisdom resonates more and more with me. Should ask my partner to follow her as well!
"I suggest a good dose of humor when this happens" -- made my day!
Am I the only one that thinks this is genius advice ? So insightful !! Thank you Esther xxx
Silvia R. Agree!!!
Why would you think you're the only one? What a weird, backhanded compliment. Issues with brilliant women, perhaps?
Esther gets it. She knows the heart of it. She's my favorite therapist/expert in the relationship space.
@6:32 she almost says “it just feels so fucked up”, but says “annoying” instead lol
I love her; she talks with so much passion
"give them space and stay connected". A great advice for DA/AP relationship dynamic.
This woman is amazing. Bless her heart. So passionate, precise, and I just love the she points out my areas of improvement I'm just happy to change my perception she is awesome !
Humility is a POWERFUL thing
I think having these kind of dialogues within one's self and practicing it with things that are annoying to ourselves gives a greater edge when using it with spouse/partner. Because lets face it, there are times we are annoyed with things even when partners are not involved and using these techniques on ourselves reveals a great deal about our tolerance levels, what annoys us and where we are vulnerable.
Where have you been all my marriage!!! I love your advice. You are out here changing lives. 🙏😊
I think when you truly love your partner and you see that being late triggers deep reaction in him/her you organize yourself and come on time.
I never had this issue with my previous partners but with one friend. She always late. And it’s a fact. And I do consider this attitude like a major “don’t care” which is visible in her behavior about other things.
And with time i started to arrive late myself to the meetings with her. It also allowed me to flex my rigid neurotic mind that others should behave like I believe is right. May be these kind of people are sent to our life so we can learn to be less rigid and less categorical and of course to heal our past traumas.
Also worth mentioning not to be fixating on the time while you are waiting but use these extra minutes on loving yourself, asking yourself how are you doing for the past few days/weeks, observe the nature, relax while breathing deeply because when the other person will arrive you won’t be able to do it. Use these extra time as a gift from the Universe and as the hint that you don’t have enough of quality space for yourself. 😉
Sending love to everyone ❤️
P.S. I prefer Marshall Rosenberg “Non violent communication” it’s even softer.
I have ADHD. It's rare and almost impossible for me to be on time. It's not something I can fix by just "organizing myself and coming on time." Anyone in my life needs to understand that I will do my best, but I will be late often. They can feel however they feel about it, but they have to either accept it or move on.
Listen to this woman! She’s incredible! English isn’t even her mother tongue, yet she’s so fluent. Every word matters.
I first heard the "confirmation bias" in the book called "thinking, fast, and slow". I didn't think it would apply to the argument patterns. but now I know!
I feel like i should watch your video while holding a note and a pen ...every word is wisdom. Respect ❤❤
This is great advice for all relationships; not just romantic ones. We can even apply it to work because I often feel as though when I'm running behind on tasks, it is because of circumstances but when someone else is, it is due to some character flaw or other.
Good info. My husband and I had our coffee cups printed with the phrase "assume positive intent" because we discovered that we often assumed negative intent. It helps when one of us get in that feeling of how could you do this to "me."
I could listen to her talk all day...
Sex, Magic & Plants,You look stunning 🌹🌷🌺🌺 dear
Just found your videos and I am so thankful for them. Me and my boyfriend have been having more arguments than we were. He accuses me of a lot of things. Wednesday we had a talk that went good but then he mentioned something after the talk that lead to our first big fight. He told me yesterday if we have one more argument that he’ll leave me. Things we’ve discussed what what we like, how we’re showing we love each other and things that drive us insane that we can’t deal with. I am tired of arguing and realized I’m just going t stop reacting to negative things he says or does because it’s not worth it. I’m going to watch more of your videos and take your advice in the hopes that changing MY behavior changes HIS and we can be happier TOGETHER being we’re both being treated how we want to be
Ms Perel, thank you. This world needs to hear this stuff and you make it very accessible for people not familiarized with behavioral pshyc jargon. Kudos. That's not easily done.
Was starting to "feel" very alone. Appreciate the renewal in humanitarian faith. 💓
Esther Perel you are gifting us with such wisdom in the realm of relationships. You are awesome! Thank YOU!
This is so incredibly true in my relationships. Esther the way you communicate really sinks in. Thank you.
I hope you continue this format for a while, I really enjoy the nuanced advice!
Ms. Perel, I just had the honour of listing to you on the Tim Ferriss Show - absolutely outstanding and very thought provoking. Thank you. I was elated to learn you were also on TH-cam. Be well.
I hardly comment on the thousands of videos that I watch on TH-cam but this was gold. A light bulb definitely went off for me.Thank you for sharing Esther💕
My god, I love this woman! So much clarity in her words, insane. Thank you.
Bless the TH-cam gods for bringing this woman into my feed!
I like how you give them the benefit of doubt that they are sometimes on time ! My wife has never been on time and it got old quickly , I lie about the time we need to be ready to leave or the start time .
You are a very smart lady and I'm going to watch all you're videos .
🤣🤣I tell my kids a different time so we can leave on time. I don't lie necessarily I tell them you need to be ready by this time and then we leave on time
Time always seems to get away from me. Very irritating to my husband, as well. Its not that I don't care about him, I don't care that much about time, and his 'obsession' sort of irritates me. Out of respect, I am trying to care more, and he precues me if it's something really important. I think we've worked this out as well as we can.
I'm so bad with being on time, I can't help it. I'm late literally to everything everyday. I've had consequences of all kinds. Lost jobs, missed important appts, paid extra money,, lost money, lost opportunities...I've upset and ruined personal relationships and still, I cannot be early. I'll know about a specific event weeks in advance and have all the time in the world to be ready and prepared but still, I manage to be late ( I don't hold a normal job for this reason).
I sometimes feel like I'm just cursed...😳😔
@@RFernandez18 just curious what are you doing with your time while you’re late? Maybe that can give you some insight…it’s easy to waste hours playing on your phone etc. I set timers of when to leave otherwise I’d forget and/or lose track of time as well.
@@beavermama9025 I'm literally walking around stressing about what needs to get done and what am I forgetting while getting nothing done.
I love this woman... Her advices are so practical. LOVE YOU, ESTER PEREL! You're a life saver!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Useful information in all human interaction. I’ve been looking to hear someone say something enlightening for years. This person is amazing.
This video just made me look in the mirror about how I express myself. Thank you Esther, lots of learning going on here.
I love your videos and the way you speak Esther!
I love her. I just find this videos, never is let
me too
@@JaneyImaaniEmotionalAwareness I don't know who is in love with me
How am I to respond
1. It's correct what you are sayin'
2. Other people do the things you mention in this video for their own reasons
A person might not be understood or accepted because the person she is talking to isn't the one that loces her
Otherwise she would be understood and accepted.
Brilliant!! Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and expertise.
Take a deep breath and think before your speak. Words are powerful, thank you, Esther!
Esther thank you for your brilliance!
I love the conversations and dialogues that you are opening up. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and knowledge, it's making me hungry to know more really.
also, how can I ask a question? :) through here or are the questions submitted elsewhere?
Hannah Jo Uy good evenning hanna iam admir mor for your comment possibe known you
Hannah Jo Uy no problem if yoy seen thats diffcult
This woman speaks pure gold
Facts!!!
relationship advice based on cognitive science, amazing discourse structure, practical advice and expressivity-backed transmission of information. i think the most amazing aspect of your speeches is how you model in your own behavior the healthy approaches, the mental clarity you speak of, it makes it all so much more impactful.
Such a brilliant woman!
You’re such a brilliant scholar and researcher. You capture the complexities involved with human relationships and you share your knowledge so generously.
Damian Jenkins,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌹🌹🌷🌺, hope you are with a good man!!
There's layers to that analysis that someone doesn't care. It could send you straight to your subconscious. We tend to navigate stories that go back to our experiences in childhood. Either they happened or we misunderstood and we build up stories.
Esther Perel, I have always been fascinated by human relationships and behavior. Some months ago I found you and you put into words what my mind has always thought. Of course in a much more structured and eloquent way. Thank you so much for existing and for your work, I believe that in these confused times your work is critical and what you are doing is an amazing service to humanity. I really hope I can, in some some small ways, help sharing your understanding with the people I meet. God bless you! Vargha
Hi Esther I just come across this video today and after watching this I check more of your videos and I am so impress of your knowledge about relationship especially about marriage relationship. Thank you so much for your super duper deep understanding and knowledge and for sharing these to me/us. It enlightens me so much that now am working out myself toward my husband😊. Love you and your knowledge.. you are indeed a gift.
I really appreciate your perspective on things! You have a very relatable style of presenting ideas, thank you.
Esther is fearless in her forays into the human mind of relationships and arguing. A brilliant mind.
OMG you have a YT channel? There goes my evening...
Charlie M. P,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🌷🌺,hope you are with a good man!!
0:32 Exactly!!!! Being the person that is most sensitive in the relationship it’s easy for the other person to act all righteous which only makes it worst.
I just love you mam .. for your thoughts, how you understand the nuances of relationships, your language, the way your put forth... I cannot stop listening to you !!!!
GAWD I love you. Confirmation bias can be so intense! I really appreciate your reflection -- the manner in which you bring awareness to the subject. Oof. It's a tough one, but having even one tool in our tool-box to recognize these patterns is SO helpful 🙏🏻🙏🏻
I appreciate the analysis. Especially the part about accepting how the person who feels they are wronged feels about this. But isn't a key piece of advice to Paul missing from this? Which is that he should simply make an effort to take responsibility for how he is acting and how it makes his partner feel and to try to stop being late so often? I showed up late to a couple dates with someone and realized I wouldn't accept that as a recurrent behavior in someone so I decided to stop and I've been on time basically ever since.
Fuck. Ms. Perel, your incredibly incisive, well reasoned and investigated reports on human conduct and relational interactions have been beyond illuminating and am so incredibly grateful to have run across your wisdom. Thank you.
Learn some manners. Correct your message. You have no reason or right to swear on TH-cam.
@@hughrblackwell LOL
I have watched this video 5 times now, this is so absolutely true! I have been following you for quite some time now and I really appreciate and love your work. Thank you!
I rarely comment, but I had to say she sumed up most of my arguments . So much truth in if
I absolutely enjoyed this and learned a lot in this 7 minutes! ❤️
I am so enchanted with this haircut, style and accessories of course the advice is amazing and helpful as always. Thank you for the new style! I am showing this cut to my hair stylist!
Amelia Lee now if we can just find those glasses!!
The necklace and blouse I love it distracting me from listening
Dear Esther, your way with words and giving examples is amazing !!! Thank you for sharing it. Your videos are great !!!
By far some of the best relationship advice I’ve ever heard, thank you so much!
Esther, you are such an ispirational, wonderful and beautiful woman!!! You have such an intensive positive energy!!! So, happy I have found you on the internet!!! :-)
I just love so much your science about relationships! It's so real!
Octavia Koti Nan,You look cute 🌹🌹,hope you are with a good man!!
You are such a good communicator. I love the selection of your words which are easy to understand. You are blessed and talented.
FEAR causes these kinds of people (you ALWAYS etc) to think in this manner! I love and admire Esther..I am surprised she does not bring in the idea of fear into her analysis. Also, a consistent mind-frame focused on giving as opposed to taking is vital and protective! There are those who say, the first moment you focus on what you can get from your partner, is the beginning of the end of the relationship.
Wow. How you broke this down Esther! I learned so much from this! Thanks so much 💐
Kellie Trudel,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌹🥀🥀🥀🌷 dear,hope you are with a good man!!
you are such an inspiring human, woman, psychotherapist. I love the way you discuss issues, so much clarity you bring, accessible and understandable to all if I may put it that way. I have so loved your appearance in Dutch program Zomergasten and have whole heartedly recommended my son (2nd year student Psychology with the ambition to become a Psychotherapist and/or Sexologist one day) to see it as well as look for your channel here. I hope he does because there is much he can learn from seeing and hearing you. Bless you!
Irene Enghardt,You look gorgeous 🌹🌹🌺🌺 dear
Wow that was an amazing talk. There's so much good content and so much to unpack. Definitely need to rewatch over and over and over again.
I totally get this and it is so helpful! I’ve been working on improving my relationships for years and this little nugget shifts everything with those people in my life that accuse me of exactly what was described in the letter you responded to in this video..
I am a very loving and caring person that offers assistance to lots of people all the time and my family hates it. It’s been a source of frustration in my marriage and with my children for many years and I’m so grateful for this video today I am going to respond differently. Thank you🙏🏻💕🌻
Thank you for this super explanation ! You're such an inspiration for me :)
You are such a cool lady! I just love to watch your videos!
I think that your accent helps a lot to delivery the message. Cheers!
Ellie Feitosa me too! It’s like what she says is brilliant, but HOW she says it is just the icing on the cake. Her intelligence and insight is intoxicating.
Preach! I always come back to this video
Esther - too right - too true - and I LOVE your candor - thank you!
How can someone on earth dislike this video?? 🤦🏽♂️
Maybe they feel called out.
@@Kareragirl
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 most positive!!
Damn I was recommended this by yt after this literally happened between my partner and I. I first watched this not realising it was so perfectly spoken for me.
Who are you mystery woman
Thank you. This has revealed a lot about my relationship. Spot on.
Just discovered those short videos, super helpful. Merci Esther!
Esther, i'm watching you from italy. I just wanna say Thanks, really.
My mother always said ...
.. “it is just as easy to be 10 minutes early as it is to be 10 minutes late.”
Well , *THAT'S NOT* always possible under the laws of physics of day-to-day probability { of activities / errands } . ♑️✍️🇦🇺🇳🇴
"Full package condemnation" Wow that really stuck with me.
THANKS FOR ALL THE WORK YOU´VE DONE. YOU´RE MAKING A DIFFERENCE. AND GOOD TO A LOT OF PEOPLE.
I loved this video! It's so easy to justify our behaviour and villainize the person in front.
Freaking brilliant.
Wicked smart. Thank you so much Esther for all that you do.
Fantastic. This is brilliant Esther.
Divorced after 26 years of marriage. My wife had “confirmation bias” and only attended marriage therapy to “help” me. She had total denial about any issues on her side of the road. She created an alternate reality and even our grown children cannot deal with her anger and denial. She’s on her 4th boyfriend this year.
Bro that’s just women in a nutshell. Sorry about your divorce
@@illseed83keep your head up, I found a good one, have faith