This message speaks volumes for me. I spent 28 years in a marriage where I was always begging for his love & affection. What I've learned is that you can't love someone into wanting you.
Hi. Long time post I see. How are things going now? Long term marriage experience here on my end as well. Wishing you the best and hope you've grown/learned lots in this journey of life.
Amen. When I took my focus off of this very thing and turned it inward - focused on eating well, getting good sleep and doing things that I enjoyed. When instead of anguishing at home in my grief and heartbreak, I made a point of going out and seeing people, doing things that cultivated my own life. When I let go and, as much as I did still absolutely give a damn that he was with her, chose to let myself not be crushed by that. When I quit the anger towards him and replaced it with a calm self-respect - that was when he woke up and realized what he was throwing away. Up until then I was just chasing him to her. Put the focus back on yourself, give yourself all the self-love you can and the rest falls into place.
@@regondi it’s weird how that keep happening in my head. For the longest time I thought I was crazy. Until I found these videos a couple of months ago. I’m attending hope rising on the first Saturday of October. Maybe I’ll do more work for myself after that
This is exactly what im feeling right now. I have been constantly pursuing her after she committed emotional infidelity and she thinks we are just roommates and have no emotional attachment to me. We have 4 small kids and have been together for 15 years. I realize that chasing her is pushing her away so I will work on to be a better person for myself and be the best father for my children. If she wants to join me with that great if not I can tell to myself and to everyone I did everything i could
How are things now? I’m in a similar situation, same amount of kids but less years together. And I’m female. Hope I’m able to do that too so I can stop hurting
You are amazing. As you work on yourself in these ways, she may fall in love with you again. I hope so. But most women I know who’ve become involved with someone else, by that time they done trying to get what they needed from their husband and their feelings are gone.
Wow Samuel! You hit it right on the head with this one. The more I fought to keep my husband, the more he ran to his affair partner, until the night I packed my bags and left. It took a few months and he thought he would just play the waiting game. He continued to hang out with his affair partner and I went to living my life. I wouldn’t bother him, text him and barely talked to him but only when he attempted first. Needless to say, he got rid of his affair partner and begged me to come home. He knew he had lost control of the situation and he knew he was going to lose me for good
wow toni. that's a crazy story. have you all done any recovery work at all? has he agreed to do any work to find out why it all happened? hope you're doing alright all things considered.
Wow !!! I am so blessed to have found samuel tutorials, I am currently experiencing, infidelity in the wrost time of my life. I am certain that separation is best . BECAUSE THE MOMENT OF TRUTH MUST BE PRESENT.
@@phaedink12 I am 60 and my man of 17 yrs. decided that he deserved to take the next step and sleep w/ his AP a little over a month ago. He got caught w/ this likely 1st time in a sexual, act w/ another woman. (Cops pinged his cell on a "well check") This recent act has everything to do w/ his own problems. My x husband of 17 yrs. (previous to this long term relationship) blamed me too until 2 decades passed. Sometimes the UP has deep rooted issues that they never deal with. I am glad that I did not "marry" this man or the wreckage w/ children and assets would be far worse. I know that I deserve better, with or without him. At my age, I do not want to come to the realization that you have. I am proceeding w/ caution and definitely have PTS. It came as a shock.
thank you for this,i have recently found out about my husband's affair...it's hard getting help since we're both in a foreign country. Its been a week of hell for me after 18 years of being together..i'm co dependant and have very low esteem due to chronic illness. Been watching so many videos of yours,i'm also a person of faith..thank you,you have helped my dark days.
karen, thanks so much for sharing and commenting. the site, affairrecovery.com will help immensely. there is a ton of information and if you purchase the really cheap recovery library you'll have access to a ton of stuff thats there. many people in other countries utilize the site and love it. i sure hope it all helps you. be strong and be brave karen. one day at a time friend. i'll pray for you.
Oh, this.... The codependency.... The Stockholm syndrome.... Yes.... All I do is chase him into loving me .. I do everything for him and he does nothing for me.... Yes this..so accurate.
Wow. This hits home for me now. I was very secure and confident in myself before my wifes affair. I've realised since ive become co-dependent which is ironic as I believe she was co-dependent before and now she doesn't seem to be so we'ves wapped sides. Im always trying to instigate intimacy and closeness. Im probably coming off as incredibly needy. The thing is her affair absolutely destroyed my self esteem and confidence. I walled up and pushed it all down. We never healed. Ive recently relapsed into PTSD style trauma 6 years down the track and now I feel myself doing it again. I don't think she respects me at the moment and I was blaming myself and my mental problems for the lack of respect, rather than my own lack of self-respect. The biggest irony of it all. The guy she had her affair with sucked her in by apparently suffering crippling anxiety and other mental issues (im pretty certain it was all fake and a sympathy card and he was incredibly narcissistic). Now im the one suffering crippling anxiety and mental problems but its pushing her away instead.
Perfect. As a Christian, I thought I needed to forgive him and being compassionate about his mistakes. He saw me living in nightmares every single day crying for over 1.5 years and we both even did the HH courses. But I found out he kept his affair this whole time. What kind of person can do such thing to a wife sharing life together for over 20 years? He claims himself as a lying monster having some mental issues. He is working with a therapist now and wants me to wait till his therapist can tell him what’s been wrong with him. We are now doing in house separation until he figures out but I don’t see any hope and think it’s time for me to get out from this unsafe marriage.
i'm sorry for that. that's devastating for sure. what are you doing to help you heal my friend? not heal the marriage, but heal you? i'm so sorry for the pain you're in.
Overcoming Infidelity Thank you so so much always for reading our comments. I’m not doing anything particular besides taking anti depressants... I’m focusing not to make him feel any worse about himself so that he can be positive and get better. At the same time I’m trying to figure out when i should tell him I made up my mind leaving him.
I'm sorry coco....that's definitely tough to walk out. i would find a safe professional for sure that can help you walk this out, and also find some effective divorce care like a divorce care group or support group of that nature. i'm sorry for the pain you're walking through. i know it's devastating.
Omg. I'm going through almost exact same thing. My husband left for Dominican Republic, his first time vocation, he chose to go there" alone". Before I know it, he told he had nothing to do with me anymore, met a younger prostitute who works in the hotel where he stayed when he went there. Has been talking with her, now he went back to DR, Left kids and myself alone, spent Thanksgiving there, while lied to us saying that he was going to Mexico for the wedding of a friend he met to DR the first time he went there. Came back with love notes from the woman. He told me that he doesn't care what I think. This hurts so bad. He won't talk to me, he also has told me that anytime he wants "it" he will fly there to her and get it. Prior to all that, he had travelled to Africa, met a woman there, slept with her, he also almost wanted my sister if it wasn't for my sister refusing his request. Now he's behaving this way. I don't know when this will end. He Just doesn't want me to move on. He thinks people are advising me to leave my marriage. And oh, he hasn't touched me feel r almost 8 months now. I don't know what is going on. The sad part is that people who know my husband know him to be a good respectiful man that no one believes it when I bring this up. Only God will fix this for me. I'm sorry dear.
Yes, the worst battle I ever fought was between what I knew and what I felt. After months of recovery work and therapy, my ex spouse willing made the decision to met up with the affair partner to "talk" to them and help that individual understand communications between them must end. This was at the request from the affair partner via email communications which were deliberately hidden. Upon discovery of this it completely tore me up inside and brought back very heavy emotions because I accepted that the affair partners emotional wellbeing superseded mine, our recovery, our family. From there on I distanced myself and proceeded with a formal divorce ending a ten year marriage. Months after filing for divorce I have found a lot of peace and internal growth.
You too have gone through this around the same time as I. We recently broke it off after trying to reconcíliate because the betrayer thinks 3 months is enough time to have grown closer together again but had done little to no work. So I just realized he didn’t want to be kept by me and so I’ve let go. I just can forgive him for not having the will to fight for our family, for our kids. I don’t mind for myself, it doesn’t hurt as much anymore but it still hurts so much as a mom because I don’t want my babies hurting
The hardest part is im so gullible and everytime he gives me attention, i fold. Its sad. I hate being like this. He isnt in his affair but we are on this cycle. Its draining.
This is true.. I did this for so long. I was lonely, dying for affection and I didn’t wanna cheat. It made me feel terrible..I couldn’t understand why he didn’t see what he was doing. Even told me to chill and have more respect for myself. I knew then it was over.. although I still loved him.. I knew it was time to let it go. I’ve recently began looking for a place...
Thank you for this. For the first time in 4 years after being gaslit and being cheated on .. I'm finally feeling good about myself and my future. My spouse cheated and then blamed me for it. I even gave him a shot but he started mudslinging at me and it got so dirty. It broke me. But that's where things changed. Its been a few days but I'm confident this is the right decision. It takes immense courage to come back from cheating and bear the consequences and I know my spouse doesn't have that
This is so painful to live, I forgave him gave him so many chances when he came back but even if he says he loves me and wants the marriage I don’t see him doing the work and I feel him so distant, he is not the loving man he was before
Same - it's soooo painful!! Going on 2 years now and he's hot and cold. To make matters worse - I found out I had Lymphoma and Colon Cancer last year. He took care of me but not the way he would have before the affair. After surgery and chemo, I am cancer free thank God. But I'm too old and retired so I can't start over on social security - I just have to live in this nightmare. Worse part is - I still love him so deeply :(
This is really hard to hear but so true. My spouse and I have been separated for 2 yrs. I want him to face his issues but I'm also tired of him. The weird thing is that we do family stuff together but I'm just ready to move on. I don't even reallu care in what way. Tired!
sonic, i'm sorry. it's tough I know. have you received any good quality help at all? maybe the right help would help you vet out if you should ultimately stay or go? trusting emotions is hard ya know as they fluctuate so rapidly in infidelity care. just a thought. if he's not willing to get help, then that may be a strong enough sign right there that it's over.
Geez, this is so true! So hard for us the betrayed ones, the pain is intense! But we need to get up and love ourselves first!!!!! My husband is so comfortable knowing that I’m fighting for my marriage, which was bad for a long time !
Her unfaithfulness took place in 2009. She told me everything. We supposedly “dealt with it”. It was very destructive and not really dealing with it. But she seems to think today that we did deal with it. Now that I have found these videos, I feel like I found hope. And I was disillusioned with her thinking that she was going to embrace recovering as well and learn to be a “safe” unfaithful. She has minimized and blamed for years, etc. Now she says that she will not do anything else, that I will need to figure it out on my own. She tells to just get over it, to stop bringing up the past. So I’m kind of in a limbo situation, because we have had many good years. Obviously not perfect, mainly because we never dealt with this professionally. But I don’t want to seem like I’m just pursuing them forever and I don’t want to just throw away the marriage if she says that she will definitely not get any recovery work. I’m lost I don’t know what to do
Yea. Not pursuing someone who doesn't want to pursue me. I've really been trying hard to pursue my partner but she wasn't responding. This video is just what I wanted. I'm truly grateful to God for AR. I'm in Kenya and we don't have such resources. It's been hard trying to find someone who's been through an affair to help me out. Right now I'm doing self therapy through AR online. God bless you Samuel.
so great to hear from you my Kenyan friend Joshua. so encouraging to see that you're watching from so far away. stay strong brother. you're work is not in vain.
Am watching from Kenya too Joshua Muse....How I wish that we could have this in Kenya.....Doing the same online.....Very helpful really.......Let's pray for each other.....
Soooooo good!!! Needed this as well today! Focus on your own healing. I still pursue too much but starting to gain more respect for myself. Self love outside of them #relevant
struggling with this currently because i struggled with porn addiction and a childhood trauma and those two combined and untaken care of led me to act out and be unfaithful. then before we were married my wife had an emotional affair turned physical, we had a daughter at the time. thought we worked through it and got married, had another kid. i still was into my addiction which lead to acting out again when stress got high and then 4 years later my wife has another emotional affair turned physical. before her affair she told me all she wanted was for me to pursue her and show her how much she meant to me, until her affair and then a couple months of lying about the physical part and so ive been pursuing her this whole time because its what she wanted and i wanted to restore our marriage to a better place after becoming saved(something she prayed for for 6 years) and now my pursuit of her is pushing her away, worst part is this affair of hers happened after i came to christ and was trying to become the man she always dreamed i could be :( and now im hurt and broken from not only all the hurt and damage i did but now living through her damage while i was trying to make the marriage better while being rejected by her for trying to show her love
Thank you so true but difficult to execute when you have been trained to put husband first ... but never before Christ... so that's where I went wrong. Thanks Samuel n Samantha
I can relate to this as a husband. At church, I am not No. 1 in my wife's life. And considering she feels that church is the most important thing in her life, a pastor is essentially always sitting between the two of us in our marriage. It feels like garbage to be married to that, and pastors tend to encourage that behavior for their own validation.
I am going through this exact same thing. My marriage could have been described as tumultuous. A lot of disagreements etc, now my husband has decided to end it after 17 years and has commenced a relationship with someone else. We are still living under the same roof, which makes it tormentous for me, because knowing that your spouse have chosen someone else is daunting. I constantly find myself always wanting to know if he is msging or speaking to her, which is creating an unhealthy mental health. He indicated that he would not leave as yet until we get our own home, however my biggest hurdle is to cope with this situation. Just the fact that he stated that he is no longer pursuing the marriage but commencing this new relationship with this person. This video helps. So I need to engage in self love. And detach from the codependency.
This is the new problem I'm struggling with. I've been trying to show her that I forgive her and I still love her with all my heart but she isn't returning my affection as much as I give it to her. She isn't being cold by any means but I'm afraid that if I didn't go out of my way to give her love she wouldn't show me any. I'm afraid to stop doing this obviously because I'm afraid that she really did bring it all up because she wanted to leave me and our relationship will simply dissolve.. But you're right. Even if I continue to smother her in love I'll still be unhappy because I won't be receiving any organic love myself.
At least you have her and have a chance to recover. 4 months now and I can't get a positive word back. I love without anger, I forgive, I try to remind her of all that's worth fixing. But nothing. It gets worse every day and the pain is literally killing me.
Thank you for this.....i thought me fighting for him after his emotional affair and showing that i accept him and have unconditional love would show him im a good spouse and make him realize to stay with me over the affair partner but that hasn't worked. Thank you for this video
It's been a year since my husband's affair. In that time, it feels I have done all the hard work. It's been mostly about helping him through his darkness of shame, embarrassment, and regret. Very little has been about caring about me and my feelings and recovery. He has recently told me he loves me and cant imagine being apart from me...but feels empty and that, for my sake, we should end the marriage because he is not "in love" with me. When I tell him to leave until he figures it out, he refuses to go. What am I supposed to do with this ambivalence?
wow i'm so sorry. that's devastating to hear and to see you have to walk through. i would have to say, it's a tough space but there is hope. i would continue to tell him to leave. i would push for distance and for him to leave. if he refuses to go, then i would tell him that you need to do the ems weekend together to finally, finally, get clarity. the ems weekend is here fyi: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend he's being very selfish and dysfunctional and is in many ways stuck: stuck in ambivalence about you but then doesn't want to lose you and be alone. if he gets to have it both ways, he will continue to have it both ways. so i would draw boundaries around your self and not allow him to just keep doing what he's doing. perhaps it's time to file for divorce and start that process. either way, if he thinks he's going to stay without expert help, it will be a bit of a nightmare. i would tell him you want and need expert help and if he's not willing to do that, you'll be finding an attorney very soon to end the marriage and he can go be 'in love' with someone else as you want an all or nothing approach from him.
I found out about his secret life almost 5 yrs ago. And at one time I was working on myself and him. Some struck home and if he doesn’t want to do the inner work that’s his problem. I never loved myself enough to back up the consequences of my boundaries. No one teaches you how to be married and people make mistakes. I didn’t know he constantly needed validation and he never told me either. He cared to much about what his friends thought of him and not his family. I am not chasing anymore I decided to just stop and just to noticed how much time would go by before he stepped up and it’s been 4 months no kissing no sex etc. I have my own life to live
Wish you were around for me to here all of your videos 37 years ago..yup..been struggling for 37 years...he is in the guest house now ..has been for over a month.. He found a good therapist ...I'll see where this goes from here
These are very helpful. I am learning a lot but I also feel that the unfaithful partner is being coddled. How dare we upset them. My husband has caused so much devastation with myself & our children that it ought to be a crime. All of this is criminal! Maybe not on this side of Heaven but I am sure in God’s Courthouse it is. I am angry! Sorry is not good enough. I have grieved & cried & cried & grieved but now I am angry. There, I said it. I pray every night & day for forgiveness but it isn’t here yet. I don’t understand. How come the pulpits are not ringing out loud about this sickness that is systematically destroying EVERYTHING in it’s path? The unfaithful one (adulterer) should feel ashamed. They should feel guilty; they are guilty! Sorry but that’s where I am at right now.
Hi April, check out our Harboring Hope course. It's created for you by people who have been in your shoes. The pain is overwhelming, but you don't have to stay stuck. www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope
I feel your pain April and I concur.My husband had a 2 plus year affair from which a child was conceived.Dont know if I'll ever fully digest that.Still feel an element of disbelief 1.5 years from discovery.Now looking into having to cut ties with him and tell our children that their lives are gonna change in a huge way as he has stopped counselling.The innitial pain is indescribable.I fight in my mind for my future and that of my children.I am determined to forgive,to trust God, to hope again.I am determined to become better.Because as awesome as the pain of infidelity is, Im determined to prove that Overcoming is real and even more awesome.I do it to honour myself, the way I deserve to be honoured.Know your enemy...Know your help even more.Love you my sister, you'll do great and great shall be the peace of your children.
My husband and I have been married 24 years and have been together for almost 30. I just discovered a few days a go that he had been having an affair for at least a year or maybe way longer. He is still doing it. I feel so numb and dead inside. The pain is so unbearable that there are no words that could even describe it. We have a little 12 year old son also that is our little miracle child! I have multiple sclerosis, so it was hard to even get pregnant. We had to go to a fertility doctor after trying for years. We have the most beautiful home and perfect son. I've already gone through the crying and begging for him to end affair . My whole entire word is crumbling. I'm going to talk to an attorney today. He won end it but he also won't leave. I don't know what to
People really underestimate the power of being gracious. Ive had to really tap into being intentional with expressing appreciation towardy husband. For a long time i took the stance of you screwed up, you fix it.
Very interesting because this is exactly what I've decided to do last night, and told my partner (we are currently planning to separate). I'm going to make myself stronger for the future, and whatever happens will happen. Thank you for all of your videos, they have been fantastically helpful for me in the 3 weeks since my D-day (as a betrayed partner).
This has been thee most helpful video. Ive watched it several times and will watch it as many more times as I have to in order for THIS to be my inner voice. Why in the world would I chase someone who has convinced themselves I'm a horrible person and horrible wife that hes had nothing but a shitty marriage with? Hes delusional, truly. I am not and will not be the person he convinced himself I am. Thanks to your videos, I've already changed and become stronger. That can only continue, as I've chosen myself, my safety, and my happiness ❤ *edited for typo*
I have to disagree. Some people are lifted out of darkness by another. A person can walk into another's life and be like an angel to them, a miracle at a time when life looked/was pretty crappy. Because of the love of another, someone can rediscover happyness and that's a glorious thing. And then if that miracle person leaves (for no apparent logical reason) what's left? That's a severe blow that can literally kill someone due to the black hole they might sink back into, a cold, dark place that only gets worse the longer that angel is gone. Happyness again after that, after that one special person helped and loved when it was needed? No happyness, no joy, no love. Well, you might say there's someone else out there to take that up that role again. No . . . just no. When the one who was lost is 100% irreplaceable, what's there left to live for?
I am the affair partner currently. It has been 15years off and on since college we are now 36. I am definitely chasing and hoping for him to commit to me. I'm delusional. He has a girlfriend. Living with her. I was in his life first, since 21 but he has committed to this other woman. So I'm the one in the wrong. When we are together it feels like magic but apart a night.are bc the truth is staring right in the face.
I tried and tried after I found out my ex cheated on me emotionally through a romance scam and chatting with men online I finally gave up and filed for divorce as my self respect was disappearing After our home was gone and she moved away I realized she got what she wanted
Ok I've commented on lots of your videos and yet no reply!!! Answer me this! My husband just ended (so he says) his 6 year on and off affair with the same woman who is 10 years older than me and 5 years younger than him , he's now 78. This time I believe it's over and yes I have tried to pursue him, but not after seeing this video. He does say that he's got affection but hasn't got any passion for me. If I let him this is how his day/week would go.......he gets up makes us a cuppa tea then he'd water the plants. The rest of his day will be spent watching the TV in his man cave. We'd come together for dinner then hes back in his den unless he's off out with his friends. I still love him and want us to be together but I can't live like this! I know we could move out but we only took this place on 7 months ago. We can't afford to pay for two properties! Do I start looking for a guy for me as mine can't be bothered with me?
Alright let’s see here.....I wasn’t there for my wife. I was never there for her but always loved her. I worked a lot. She, a stay at home mom. She said I wasn’t there for her. She cheated I think. Can’t forgive herself for “things that have happened” says I deserve better. Said there’s no hope, she wishes there was. THEN said she loves me the way I love her. But says she’s so mad at me for not being there. Since I’m not sure, I’ve told her we can move forward but we both have to try. Baby steps. She can’t forgive herself wants divorce but wants to see if I’m gonna change to see if it can maybe work out? Am I crazy for trying?
my husband will love and give me affection, he will pursue me, he just won't give up those things that are not healthy, or admit what he is doing and has done, Which is not loving, right! It makes me feel like the one that doesn't love him because I am not chasing after him. I am not chasing after him because I don't know who he is and he fights for the rights that a single man has and is an unhealthy man with bad boundaries. I often wonder what would happen if I could draw him close to me. We are separated, still, after the EMS weekend. He is not participating in the follow-up meetings. I feel like it is my fault for not encouraging him more. And, I discovered he is not stopping his unfaithful behavior while we are "trying" to work on the relationship. What is the theory on small steps? He told me if we didn't get back together he was going to look for someone else. sooo of course, we couldn't get back together!
This video is great. Man, im not going to compete, i can't compete with fantasy and illusions. I'm not chasing you. Add, but I'm still going to be an example of Love, Jesus. I don't have to chase you though I'm being Loving.
Do you have an article or video on setting boundaries after multiple instances of infidelity? Are boundaries even possible at that point? Saying, if you cheat again, I'm leaving you has proven not to work.
well, shauna, if you've tried that and he's cheated again, it's probably something you need to visit inside of you that you would tolerate that and allow it. there is a great book on boundaries found here: www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1500405916&sr=8-1&keywords=boundaries+book (amazon link). if he continues to cheat, he will only probably stop at the threat of 1. loss 2. pain 3. consequences. if he's unwilling to stop acting out, you are going to need to take care of yourself and probably exit the situation. you may need to consider a separation or the like if he will not stop doing what he's doing. they get to say no to help but they don't get to say no and have life remain the same.
I have always been in relationships were I was treated like a queen at the begin but after time I realized that that person was fake from the very start. I have stayed in my current relationship for over 3 years now and I have recently caught him cheating again. Every time I wanted to break up with him (for different reasons) he got me back by promising he would change. Sometimes he actually did... I'm a 100% in this relationship I have been giving it everything I can in every aspect but he doesn't want me unless I break up with him. all he is into is the chase. I know I need to break up with him but emotionally I CAN'T. I want to understand why that is. I know I will find a better man in a heartbeat but turning my back on our marriage and dogs breaks my heart. I'm so unhappy but I can't leave what is holding me back? I also come from a family that abuses drugs how is that connected? i appreciate any advice
i would read up on codependency and find a professional to assess you and see if you are truly codependent or are just dealing with issues of codependency in this relationship. there is a great book called codependent no more which is a great read for you my friend.
My marriage ended because of that. All I wanted was an emotionally available husband, but it was never going to be...he was too far gone and already in a rebound relationship as a broken man who cannot and never will be there for me. Love is only meant for a chosen few in any case and I'm not one of them. In my aloneness, I will have to learn how to live with my loneliness.
What if all his family blame me and saying that I have a problem with forgiveness? My unfaithful is all about himself for two years already. I filed for divorce and there is no change but his self pity, stonewalling and gaslighting me all the time
Just a few days ago I caught my husband having an affair. We've had our share of problems that I thought we were working on prior to finding this out. As a matter of fact, now looking back at the timeline of when he began talking to this other woman, it was the same time he began being distant and indifferent with me. I wasnt understanding this sudden change in him. All he would say is that he came to the point where he was fed up with our issues and was done with me. The day he agreed to counseling and I set up our 1st appt (still a few weeks away) he was actually by her side the whole time. I am on the same boat where I am pursuing him to love me even though he has said he no longer does. I am still at the stage of wanting details that he is not willing to share. I want to understand why. As of today, he is still on board to go to counseling and has told me he won't make any promises that it will work out but that he is trying. I'm lost and don't know if I should keep being a loving wife I whole heartily feel within me to be or to distance myself. As crazy as it sounds, I don't hate him for what he did, however I am hurt and upset. Should I still distance myself even though he is willing to try to work on us? This is still all so new, not even a week yet since I found out the truth. I don't know what to do at this point. Is there anything you can suggest at this early stage?
I will be lifting you guys in prayer. I can't really say what to do because I'm not in your situation and i don't really know the circumstances. I also am not sure if you are a person of faith or not, however, for me, i would be willing to go to counseling and see if my marriage could be restored. Nothing is impossible with Jesus. He's in the miracle working business. I would see where my spouses heart and mind is. Is he owning it and taking responsibility. Does he seem remorseful and is he truly repentive. True repentance requires action away from the thing your repentive over. Genuine love requires sacrafice of self. I would be fasting and praying. If the situation is not safe, get yourself safe. Its a tough situation and I'm truly sorry you are going through this. I will be praying.
OK so let me ask a question, it’s only been one week for me since all of this came out. Is it OK to still tell your cheating spouse that you love them? Is that still OK to do? Is it OK to tell your cheating spouse that you are here anytime they want to talk? Should I stop doing all of that? (Cheating spouse moved out 3 days ago)
Thanks for the vids, that really helps me as betrayed spouse to keep the right attitude. After 18 years relation, I discovered my husband was having an affair with a 18 years younger girl (mildlife crisis?). I went through all kind of emotions, first started chasing him, then stopped, then started again... I'm working on myself now en won't pursue him anymore. He does want professional help now though but says he is not able to stop seeing his affair partner. Should I still go with him seek professional help ?
hi there. the reality is, he may find it to be too painful to stop.....but the truth is, he can stop if he wanted to bad enough. it's clear he needs help and a third party to help him walk through this. this course will help him break free of the affair partner: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing he won't be able to do it on his own. he'll need that outside intervention if you will. if he's fully committed to the process of getting help and getting healthy to end the affair, then perhaps it's a good choice to do recovery work with him. if he's not, and he's just dragging you along and not willing to end the affair eventually i would pull back, create space, enforce boundaries and let him see what life will be like without you.
@@samshealingpodcast Thank you so much for your reaction. It's very difficult to pull back and change the dance of ambivalence when we have kids and companies together. He says he CAN NOT choose for me and/or break free from his affair partner but I'm convinced he just does NOT WANT it enough indeed. That's the reason I'm stopping going to counseling now, because it's too painful for me and I must protect myself, but I hope I'm not making a mistake.
Yes, is there any video or advice on the unfaithful pursuing the betrayed?? My husband and I are separated right now, there are times I just want some distance, but he doesn't really seem to give me that!! I just need space to breathe, think!!
what if I hurt her so much that made her cheat. She chose to stay with me and she's saying that she love's me but it's not the same anymore. Now I don't know what to do because half of me wants to be mad but half of me wants to make up to what i did to her.
So many women have been in worst situations and never did “that”. I use to tell myself all the time before but you and her have to realize that was completely her decision to do that. She could have decided to do so many other things than that. My wife use to blame too, but don’t ever accept that. She’s an adult and can make better decisions.
Hello, I need an advice. My partner has been cheating on me. We have just over one year of marriage and no kids. It is worth it to fight? ......I found some explicit sexual texts and photos on his phone from a co-worker, he told her that he loves her and cannot live without her in those texts. He says that it was only sexting and that he did not mean it and that he did not sleep with her but I don’t believe him, there were times in the past few months when he was not home and probably was with her. He is a liar, he was texting her when we were on vacations and he denied it until I went to search his texts while he was sleeping. Please give me an advice. I am young and can find a better person but I am not sure what to do.
hi there. I think you have to do recovery work to see IF it's worth it. you just don't know right now. perhaps doing repair work and seeing how he responds to that work will be an indicating factor if he's safe or not to consider spending the rest of your life with. it's too early to tell, but if he's not willing to do recovery work, that's also a huge red flag my friend.
He has an obsessive personality. He has always turned to stuff, me, football, sex, and absolutely anything he can find... I don't think he's gonna change in a gfood way. He is a very hurt person and it just keeps coming out.
I said that to my partner who's having an affair. She just fights back 'cause she doesn't accept that I take on an independent role and care for myself. She had an affair because and in order that I be relegated to the function of carer of our children while she could be stimulated living her affair. Than she says she fundamentally loves me. How wonder what love, considering also she's not allowed me to touch her in years. Then the next day she says, fter a had a fit of anger at her betraying me, that she wants to split up and not see me anymore. In some way she drives me mad. As the video says I"m no perfect man and have my share of responsibility in the deterioration of our couple, but she had options and decided to go on with the cheating. Not that maybe she could help it more than she could when she fell in love with me, but honesty , still, would have been a better policy and they had the choice to be frank .What a sap I've been.
I took my children to counselors for quite some time w/ my marriage/separation/divorce back in 1999 when I filed for divorce. (married in 1981) It helped but there was abuse in that marriage that escaped and forced me to file for divorce and a restraining order. Absent any type of mental or physical violence, our children suffer. Life as we all expected it to be until death, changes in divorce.
focus on your own healing and working through your own issues. find an expert therapist, take one of our course and do the free bootcamp: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp it's more than possible to heal and make it through all this.
We have many varying programs and courses. Some are for individuals and some are for couples. www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses. We have our 2nd annual Hope Rising conference coming up specifically for betrayed spouses only. www.affairrecovery.com/hope-rising
shannen, you're right: some are in fact serial cheaters. i'm not quite sure about your point on the 'something missing' comment. truth is, there's always something missing. it never means it's ok to cheat or act out. NEVER in my opinion.
Im seeking help .... im the unfaithfull person... i love my pathner and i dk what else to do.... i know the love is still there i can feel it but i know it is hard for dem to take me back... what can i do ? please help
hi ricardo. this class will help you for sure: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing you can also do the free bootcamp here: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp i would watch as many videos as you can, take the courses mentioned above and see if your partner will also do recovery work with you and do all you can my friend to work on you and the relationship.
Hi Ricardo Immediately Get the right therapist with infidelity marriage issues There are certain therapists or counselors that are experience in this area This will help you in your healing and I pray your marriage God bless brother
This message speaks volumes for me. I spent 28 years in a marriage where I was always begging for his love & affection. What I've learned is that you can't love someone into wanting you.
you're right. thank you for watching and posting my friend.
Dr. Dobson's book Love Must Be Tough addresses this topic
@@grannylisa4208
We don't have the book what does it say?
Granny Lisa I was gonna post the same thing and then read your comment. Such a great book.
Hi. Long time post I see. How are things going now? Long term marriage experience here on my end as well. Wishing you the best and hope you've grown/learned lots in this journey of life.
Amen. When I took my focus off of this very thing and turned it inward - focused on eating well, getting good sleep and doing things that I enjoyed. When instead of anguishing at home in my grief and heartbreak, I made a point of going out and seeing people, doing things that cultivated my own life. When I let go and, as much as I did still absolutely give a damn that he was with her, chose to let myself not be crushed by that. When I quit the anger towards him and replaced it with a calm self-respect - that was when he woke up and realized what he was throwing away. Up until then I was just chasing him to her. Put the focus back on yourself, give yourself all the self-love you can and the rest falls into place.
❤
"Let go ,and Let God .Not giving up on them ,but giving them to God....
So encouraging self love and God's love ,confidence is what's important.
Smily blessings I love that!!! Thank you!
That’s the biggest hurdle: avoiding competition with a ghost/fantasy.
You are not kidding! I can’t compete with my wife’s imagination! My self esteem is in the toilet.
@@regondi it’s weird how that keep happening in my head.
For the longest time I thought I was crazy. Until I found these videos a couple of months ago.
I’m attending hope rising on the first Saturday of October. Maybe I’ll do more work for myself after that
This is exactly what im feeling right now. I have been constantly pursuing her after she committed emotional infidelity and she thinks we are just roommates and have no emotional attachment to me. We have 4 small kids and have been together for 15 years. I realize that chasing her is pushing her away so I will work on to be a better person for myself and be the best father for my children. If she wants to join me with that great if not I can tell to myself and to everyone I did everything i could
How are things going my man?
How are things now? I’m in a similar situation, same amount of kids but less years together. And I’m female. Hope I’m able to do that too so I can stop hurting
You are amazing. As you work on yourself in these ways, she may fall in love with you again. I hope so. But most women I know who’ve become involved with someone else, by that time they done trying to get what they needed from their husband and their feelings are gone.
Going thru a similar thing, except no kids and mt husband emotionally cheated. He is now not sure to stay with me or pursue the affair partner
Wow Samuel! You hit it right on the head with this one. The more I fought to keep my husband, the more he ran to his affair partner, until the night I packed my bags and left. It took a few months and he thought he would just play the waiting game. He continued to hang out with his affair partner and I went to living my life. I wouldn’t bother him, text him and barely talked to him but only when he attempted first. Needless to say, he got rid of his affair partner and begged me to come home. He knew he had lost control of the situation and he knew he was going to lose me for good
wow toni. that's a crazy story. have you all done any recovery work at all? has he agreed to do any work to find out why it all happened? hope you're doing alright all things considered.
Toni Davisson hi Toni Davisson ,iam in the same position could u plse tell me some tactics
I wish I had left and never looked back. We divorced and he is with the AP and blames me for losing his family.
Wow !!! I am so blessed to have found samuel tutorials, I am currently experiencing, infidelity in the wrost time of my life. I am certain that separation is best . BECAUSE THE MOMENT OF TRUTH MUST BE PRESENT.
@@phaedink12 I am 60 and my man of 17 yrs. decided that he deserved to take the next step and sleep w/ his AP a little over a month ago. He got caught w/ this likely 1st time in a sexual, act w/ another woman. (Cops pinged his cell on a "well check") This recent act has everything to do w/ his own problems. My x husband of 17 yrs. (previous to this long term relationship) blamed me too until 2 decades passed. Sometimes the UP has deep rooted issues that they never deal with. I am glad that I did not "marry" this man or the wreckage w/ children and assets would be far worse. I know that I deserve better, with or without him. At my age, I do not want to come to the realization that you have. I am proceeding w/ caution and definitely have PTS. It came as a shock.
I will listen to this everyday.....it’s about time I stood up...I can do it. ."thanks Samuel
This has never come at a better time for me. I really needed to hear this. God bless
I needed this today yesterday and tomorrow. I am constantly fighting the urge to pursue.
I'm pursuing here and there and it's killing me not getting anything positive in return. I don't know what to do.
Same. I’m frustrated where we’re at and pulling back a lot now. Every time he hurts me a little more I pull back more.
Dealing with the same thing. Its devastating
@@prestonpark1529 isn't it heartbreaking..
@@daryllejackson1209 it is 😭
thank you for this,i have recently found out about my husband's affair...it's hard getting help since we're both in a foreign country. Its been a week of hell for me after 18 years of being together..i'm co dependant and have very low esteem due to chronic illness. Been watching so many videos of yours,i'm also a person of faith..thank you,you have helped my dark days.
karen, thanks so much for sharing and commenting. the site, affairrecovery.com will help immensely. there is a ton of information and if you purchase the really cheap recovery library you'll have access to a ton of stuff thats there. many people in other countries utilize the site and love it. i sure hope it all helps you. be strong and be brave karen. one day at a time friend. i'll pray for you.
Oh, this.... The codependency.... The Stockholm syndrome.... Yes.... All I do is chase him into loving me .. I do everything for him and he does nothing for me.... Yes this..so accurate.
Sarafina Delirium
Me too, my dear. I have been there. He only hates & blames me more.
As a betrayed spouse am going through this now ... he only blames me and no word of appreciation or gratitude for staying in marriage .
Wow. This hits home for me now.
I was very secure and confident in myself before my wifes affair. I've realised since ive become co-dependent which is ironic as I believe she was co-dependent before and now she doesn't seem to be so we'ves wapped sides. Im always trying to instigate intimacy and closeness. Im probably coming off as incredibly needy. The thing is her affair absolutely destroyed my self esteem and confidence. I walled up and pushed it all down. We never healed. Ive recently relapsed into PTSD style trauma 6 years down the track and now I feel myself doing it again. I don't think she respects me at the moment and I was blaming myself and my mental problems for the lack of respect, rather than my own lack of self-respect.
The biggest irony of it all. The guy she had her affair with sucked her in by apparently suffering crippling anxiety and other mental issues (im pretty certain it was all fake and a sympathy card and he was incredibly narcissistic). Now im the one suffering crippling anxiety and mental problems but its pushing her away instead.
Perfect. As a Christian, I thought I needed to forgive him and being compassionate about his mistakes. He saw me living in nightmares every single day crying for over 1.5 years and we both even did the HH courses. But I found out he kept his affair this whole time. What kind of person can do such thing to a wife sharing life together for over 20 years?
He claims himself as a lying monster having some mental issues. He is working with a therapist now and wants me to wait till his therapist can tell him what’s been wrong with him. We are now doing in house separation until he figures out but I don’t see any hope and think it’s time for me to get out from this unsafe marriage.
i'm sorry for that. that's devastating for sure. what are you doing to help you heal my friend? not heal the marriage, but heal you? i'm so sorry for the pain you're in.
Overcoming Infidelity
Thank you so so much always for reading our comments.
I’m not doing anything particular besides taking anti depressants... I’m focusing not to make him feel any worse about himself so that he can be positive and get better.
At the same time I’m trying to figure out when i should tell him I made up my mind leaving him.
I'm sorry coco....that's definitely tough to walk out. i would find a safe professional for sure that can help you walk this out, and also find some effective divorce care like a divorce care group or support group of that nature. i'm sorry for the pain you're walking through. i know it's devastating.
Omg. I'm going through almost exact same thing. My husband left for Dominican Republic, his first time vocation, he chose to go there" alone". Before I know it, he told he had nothing to do with me anymore, met a younger prostitute who works in the hotel where he stayed when he went there. Has been talking with her, now he went back to DR, Left kids and myself alone, spent Thanksgiving there, while lied to us saying that he was going to Mexico for the wedding of a friend he met to DR the first time he went there. Came back with love notes from the woman. He told me that he doesn't care what I think. This hurts so bad. He won't talk to me, he also has told me that anytime he wants "it" he will fly there to her and get it. Prior to all that, he had travelled to Africa, met a woman there, slept with her, he also almost wanted my sister if it wasn't for my sister refusing his request. Now he's behaving this way. I don't know when this will end. He Just doesn't want me to move on. He thinks people are advising me to leave my marriage. And oh, he hasn't touched me feel r almost 8 months now. I don't know what is going on. The sad part is that people who know my husband know him to be a good respectiful man that no one believes it when I bring this up. Only God will fix this for me. I'm sorry dear.
And he doesn't believe in counseling.
Yes, the worst battle I ever fought was between what I knew and what I felt. After months of recovery work and therapy, my ex spouse willing made the decision to met up with the affair partner to "talk" to them and help that individual understand communications between them must end. This was at the request from the affair partner via email communications which were deliberately hidden. Upon discovery of this it completely tore me up inside and brought back very heavy emotions because I accepted that the affair partners emotional wellbeing superseded mine, our recovery, our family. From there on I distanced myself and proceeded with a formal divorce ending a ten year marriage. Months after filing for divorce I have found a lot of peace and internal growth.
You too have gone through this around the same time as I. We recently broke it off after trying to reconcíliate because the betrayer thinks 3 months is enough time to have grown closer together again but had done little to no work. So I just realized he didn’t want to be kept by me and so I’ve let go. I just can forgive him for not having the will to fight for our family, for our kids. I don’t mind for myself, it doesn’t hurt as much anymore but it still hurts so much as a mom because I don’t want my babies hurting
These videos are pure gold.
The hardest part is im so gullible and everytime he gives me attention, i fold. Its sad. I hate being like this. He isnt in his affair but we are on this cycle. Its draining.
I do the exact same thing!! UGH!!
This is true.. I did this for so long. I was lonely, dying for affection and I didn’t wanna cheat. It made me feel terrible..I couldn’t understand why he didn’t see what he was doing. Even told me to chill and have more respect for myself. I knew then it was over.. although I still loved him.. I knew it was time to let it go. I’ve recently began looking for a place...
proud of you for taking care of you my friend. you deserve help and support for your own recovery.
What ever happened. Did you see him again?
Thank you for this. For the first time in 4 years after being gaslit and being cheated on .. I'm finally feeling good about myself and my future. My spouse cheated and then blamed me for it. I even gave him a shot but he started mudslinging at me and it got so dirty. It broke me. But that's where things changed. Its been a few days but I'm confident this is the right decision. It takes immense courage to come back from cheating and bear the consequences and I know my spouse doesn't have that
This is so painful to live, I forgave him gave him so many chances when he came back but even if he says he loves me and wants the marriage I don’t see him doing the work and I feel him so distant, he is not the loving man he was before
Same - it's soooo painful!! Going on 2 years now and he's hot and cold. To make matters worse - I found out I had Lymphoma and Colon Cancer last year. He took care of me but not the way he would have before the affair. After surgery and chemo, I am cancer free thank God. But I'm too old and retired so I can't start over on social security - I just have to live in this nightmare. Worse part is - I still love him so deeply :(
This is a crucial understanding for some of us more stubborn lovers.
I love that phrase “stubborn lovers”.
Completely me, this crap sucks
This is really hard to hear but so true. My spouse and I have been separated for 2 yrs. I want him to face his issues but I'm also tired of him. The weird thing is that we do family stuff together but I'm just ready to move on. I don't even reallu care in what way. Tired!
sonic, i'm sorry. it's tough I know. have you received any good quality help at all? maybe the right help would help you vet out if you should ultimately stay or go? trusting emotions is hard ya know as they fluctuate so rapidly in infidelity care. just a thought. if he's not willing to get help, then that may be a strong enough sign right there that it's over.
I to finally got tired of trying with my ex
I filed for divorce and moved on
Take care and make you number 1
sonic the hedgehog 72 going through the same thing....take care and take charge you got this!
Geez, this is so true! So hard for us the betrayed ones, the pain is intense! But we need to get up and love ourselves first!!!!! My husband is so comfortable knowing that I’m fighting for my marriage, which was bad for a long time !
Her unfaithfulness took place in 2009. She told me everything.
We supposedly “dealt with it”. It was very destructive and not really dealing with it. But she seems to think today that we did deal with it.
Now that I have found these videos, I feel like I found hope. And I was disillusioned with her thinking that she was going to embrace recovering as well and learn to be a “safe” unfaithful.
She has minimized and blamed for years, etc.
Now she says that she will not do anything else, that I will need to figure it out on my own.
She tells to just get over it, to stop bringing up the past.
So I’m kind of in a limbo situation, because we have had many good years. Obviously not perfect, mainly because we never dealt with this professionally.
But I don’t want to seem like I’m just pursuing them forever and
I don’t want to just throw away the marriage if she says that she will definitely not get any recovery work.
I’m lost I don’t know what to do
Yea. Not pursuing someone who doesn't want to pursue me. I've really been trying hard to pursue my partner but she wasn't responding. This video is just what I wanted. I'm truly grateful to God for AR. I'm in Kenya and we don't have such resources. It's been hard trying to find someone who's been through an affair to help me out. Right now I'm doing self therapy through AR online. God bless you Samuel.
so great to hear from you my Kenyan friend Joshua. so encouraging to see that you're watching from so far away. stay strong brother. you're work is not in vain.
Am watching from Kenya too Joshua Muse....How I wish that we could have this in Kenya.....Doing the same online.....Very helpful really.......Let's pray for each other.....
@@wairimuwainaina2446 awesome.
@Joshua Muse how has the recovery journey been? Hoping all is well now
I really needed this! It’s crazy how when I’m at a certain stage you always have a great video to help me through
so glad I could help in some small way. thank you for watching and commenting
This is one of the best videos, thank you! It spoke to my soul...
so glad it helped you. thanks so much for watching and posting.
Soooooo good!!! Needed this as well today! Focus on your own healing. I still pursue too much but starting to gain more respect for myself. Self love outside of them #relevant
Me too!
Your advice is so helpful! This has taken me a long time to learn.
I needed this so much. Thank you.
I’m going through this right now
I needed this
struggling with this currently because i struggled with porn addiction and a childhood trauma and those two combined and untaken care of led me to act out and be unfaithful. then before we were married my wife had an emotional affair turned physical, we had a daughter at the time. thought we worked through it and got married, had another kid. i still was into my addiction which lead to acting out again when stress got high and then 4 years later my wife has another emotional affair turned physical. before her affair she told me all she wanted was for me to pursue her and show her how much she meant to me, until her affair and then a couple months of lying about the physical part and so ive been pursuing her this whole time because its what she wanted and i wanted to restore our marriage to a better place after becoming saved(something she prayed for for 6 years) and now my pursuit of her is pushing her away, worst part is this affair of hers happened after i came to christ and was trying to become the man she always dreamed i could be :( and now im hurt and broken from not only all the hurt and damage i did but now living through her damage while i was trying to make the marriage better while being rejected by her for trying to show her love
Thank you so true but difficult to execute when you have been trained to put husband first ... but never before Christ... so that's where I went wrong.
Thanks Samuel n Samantha
I can relate to this as a husband. At church, I am not No. 1 in my wife's life. And considering she feels that church is the most important thing in her life, a pastor is essentially always sitting between the two of us in our marriage. It feels like garbage to be married to that, and pastors tend to encourage that behavior for their own validation.
Thank you so much Sam, cause I'm the one who was doing exactly what are you talking about .Thank ,thank you again.
I am going through this exact same thing. My marriage could have been described as tumultuous. A lot of disagreements etc, now my husband has decided to end it after 17 years and has commenced a relationship with someone else. We are still living under the same roof, which makes it tormentous for me, because knowing that your spouse have chosen someone else is daunting. I constantly find myself always wanting to know if he is msging or speaking to her, which is creating an unhealthy mental health. He indicated that he would not leave as yet until we get our own home, however my biggest hurdle is to cope with this situation. Just the fact that he stated that he is no longer pursuing the marriage but commencing this new relationship with this person. This video helps. So I need to engage in self love. And detach from the codependency.
This is the new problem I'm struggling with. I've been trying to show her that I forgive her and I still love her with all my heart but she isn't returning my affection as much as I give it to her. She isn't being cold by any means but I'm afraid that if I didn't go out of my way to give her love she wouldn't show me any. I'm afraid to stop doing this obviously because I'm afraid that she really did bring it all up because she wanted to leave me and our relationship will simply dissolve.. But you're right. Even if I continue to smother her in love I'll still be unhappy because I won't be receiving any organic love myself.
At least you have her and have a chance to recover. 4 months now and I can't get a positive word back. I love without anger, I forgive, I try to remind her of all that's worth fixing. But nothing. It gets worse every day and the pain is literally killing me.
This is the most powerful video , i needed just this , thanks Samuel
Thank you for this.....i thought me fighting for him after his emotional affair and showing that i accept him and have unconditional love would show him im a good spouse and make him realize to stay with me over the affair partner but that hasn't worked. Thank you for this video
It's been a year since my husband's affair. In that time, it feels I have done all the hard work. It's been mostly about helping him through his darkness of shame, embarrassment, and regret. Very little has been about caring about me and my feelings and recovery. He has recently told me he loves me and cant imagine being apart from me...but feels empty and that, for my sake, we should end the marriage because he is not "in love" with me. When I tell him to leave until he figures it out, he refuses to go. What am I supposed to do with this ambivalence?
wow i'm so sorry. that's devastating to hear and to see you have to walk through. i would have to say, it's a tough space but there is hope. i would continue to tell him to leave. i would push for distance and for him to leave. if he refuses to go, then i would tell him that you need to do the ems weekend together to finally, finally, get clarity. the ems weekend is here fyi: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend he's being very selfish and dysfunctional and is in many ways stuck: stuck in ambivalence about you but then doesn't want to lose you and be alone. if he gets to have it both ways, he will continue to have it both ways. so i would draw boundaries around your self and not allow him to just keep doing what he's doing. perhaps it's time to file for divorce and start that process. either way, if he thinks he's going to stay without expert help, it will be a bit of a nightmare. i would tell him you want and need expert help and if he's not willing to do that, you'll be finding an attorney very soon to end the marriage and he can go be 'in love' with someone else as you want an all or nothing approach from him.
beautiful and powerful. your heart is in this, it shines through.
I found out about his secret life almost 5 yrs ago. And at one time I was working on myself and him. Some struck home and if he doesn’t want to do the inner work that’s his problem. I never loved myself enough to back up the consequences of my boundaries. No one teaches you how to be married and people make mistakes. I didn’t know he constantly needed validation and he never told me either. He cared to much about what his friends thought of him and not his family. I am not chasing anymore I decided to just stop and just to noticed how much time would go by before he stepped up and it’s been 4 months no kissing no sex etc. I have my own life to live
I need this so much now! I wish I had more love for myself! And just leave!
This is so hard! If I can’t make him love me, then why stay married? 😭
This is exactly what I'm doing to my fiance... I'm dying inside. I'm pushing him away...
Wish you were around for me to here all of your videos 37 years ago..yup..been struggling for 37 years...he is in the guest house now ..has been for over a month..
He found a good therapist ...I'll see where this goes from here
These are very helpful. I am learning a lot but I also feel that the unfaithful partner is being coddled. How dare we upset them. My husband has caused so much devastation with myself & our children that it ought to be a crime. All of this is criminal! Maybe not on this side of Heaven but I am sure in God’s Courthouse it is. I am angry! Sorry is not good enough. I have grieved & cried & cried & grieved but now I am angry. There, I said it. I pray every night & day for forgiveness but it isn’t here yet. I don’t understand. How come the pulpits are not ringing out loud about this sickness that is systematically destroying EVERYTHING in it’s path? The unfaithful one (adulterer) should feel ashamed. They should feel guilty; they are guilty! Sorry but that’s where I am at right now.
Hi April, check out our Harboring Hope course. It's created for you by people who have been in your shoes. The pain is overwhelming, but you don't have to stay stuck. www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope
I feel your pain April and I concur.My husband had a 2 plus year affair from which a child was conceived.Dont know if I'll ever fully digest that.Still feel an element of disbelief 1.5 years from discovery.Now looking into having to cut ties with him and tell our children that their lives are gonna change in a huge way as he has stopped counselling.The innitial pain is indescribable.I fight in my mind for my future and that of my children.I am determined to forgive,to trust God, to hope again.I am determined to become better.Because as awesome as the pain of infidelity is, Im determined to prove that Overcoming is real and even more awesome.I do it to honour myself, the way I deserve to be honoured.Know your enemy...Know your help even more.Love you my sister, you'll do great and great shall be the peace of your children.
I am there with you
The problem is once I do that I no longer truly care and really do not want them back.
I have literally written down your words to remind myself later
You make so much sense . I agree . Why would the betrayed spouse want a cheater back whom is messed up.
My husband and I have been married 24 years and have been together for almost 30. I just discovered a few days a go that he had been having an affair for at least a year or maybe way longer. He is still doing it. I feel so numb and dead inside. The pain is so unbearable that there are no words that could even describe it.
We have a little 12 year old son also that is our little miracle child! I have multiple sclerosis, so it was hard to even get pregnant. We had to go to a fertility doctor after trying for years. We have the most beautiful home and perfect son.
I've already gone through the crying and begging for him to end affair . My whole entire word is crumbling.
I'm going to talk to an attorney today. He won end it but he also won't leave. I don't know what to
Thank you so much for this video 😭😭😭I needed to hear this!!!
Do I stop telling her that I love her once I’ve drawn the line.
Alex Sanchez That’s what I want to know?
No, Never. They need to hear you still unconditionally love them while also loving yourself enough to set boundaries.
People really underestimate the power of being gracious. Ive had to really tap into being intentional with expressing appreciation towardy husband. For a long time i took the stance of you screwed up, you fix it.
Very interesting because this is exactly what I've decided to do last night, and told my partner (we are currently planning to separate). I'm going to make myself stronger for the future, and whatever happens will happen. Thank you for all of your videos, they have been fantastically helpful for me in the 3 weeks since my D-day (as a betrayed partner).
how did this workout?
I'm about to do the same cus I'm sick of being put down
@@G4ming_OG how did it go?
This was just beyond excellent today. Extremely helpful to say the least. There is a book called boundaries. I recommend it to everyone.
To be read and discussed with partner before any relationship.
I wish I could line this 10,000 times! Yes man yes!!!!
This has been thee most helpful video. Ive watched it several times and will watch it as many more times as I have to in order for THIS to be my inner voice. Why in the world would I chase someone who has convinced themselves I'm a horrible person and horrible wife that hes had nothing but a shitty marriage with? Hes delusional, truly. I am not and will not be the person he convinced himself I am. Thanks to your videos, I've already changed and become stronger. That can only continue, as I've chosen myself, my safety, and my happiness ❤
*edited for typo*
This speaks to my heart thank you for all your insight. I watched a video from THE NOBLE MARRIAGE regarding forgiveness and it was right on key!!
What is the purpose of a spouse if not fulfilling a need?
several purposes Marcus, though not sure this is the venue for it.
Thats so true.you are responsible for your own happiness, not your spouse or anybody.love and respect yourself first.
I have to disagree. Some people are lifted out of darkness by another. A person can walk into another's life and be like an angel to them, a miracle at a time when life looked/was pretty crappy. Because of the love of another, someone can rediscover happyness and that's a glorious thing. And then if that miracle person leaves (for no apparent logical reason) what's left? That's a severe blow that can literally kill someone due to the black hole they might sink back into, a cold, dark place that only gets worse the longer that angel is gone. Happyness again after that, after that one special person helped and loved when it was needed? No happyness, no joy, no love. Well, you might say there's someone else out there to take that up that role again. No . . . just no. When the one who was lost is 100% irreplaceable, what's there left to live for?
Thank you for this!I so needed to hear this!!
I can't compete with a fantasy...🤯
I am the affair partner currently. It has been 15years off and on since college we are now 36. I am definitely chasing and hoping for him to commit to me. I'm delusional. He has a girlfriend. Living with her. I was in his life first, since 21 but he has committed to this other woman. So I'm the one in the wrong. When we are together it feels like magic but apart a night.are bc the truth is staring right in the face.
Thank you for these videos!! Thank you for speaking about all these topics!!! They speak volumes!!
I tried and tried after I found out my ex cheated on me emotionally through a romance scam and chatting with men online
I finally gave up and filed for divorce as my self respect was disappearing
After our home was gone and she moved away I realized she got what she wanted
I just miss her so much
Ok I've commented on lots of your videos and yet no reply!!! Answer me this! My husband just ended (so he says) his 6 year on and off affair with the same woman who is 10 years older than me and 5 years younger than him , he's now 78. This time I believe it's over and yes I have tried to pursue him, but not after seeing this video. He does say that he's got affection but hasn't got any passion for me. If I let him this is how his day/week would go.......he gets up makes us a cuppa tea then he'd water the plants. The rest of his day will be spent watching the TV in his man cave. We'd come together for dinner then hes back in his den unless he's off out with his friends. I still love him and want us to be together but I can't live like this! I know we could move out but we only took this place on 7 months ago. We can't afford to pay for two properties! Do I start looking for a guy for me as mine can't be bothered with me?
Alright let’s see here.....I wasn’t there for my wife. I was never there for her but always loved her. I worked a lot. She, a stay at home mom. She said I wasn’t there for her. She cheated I think. Can’t forgive herself for “things that have happened” says I deserve better. Said there’s no hope, she wishes there was. THEN said she loves me the way I love her. But says she’s so mad at me for not being there. Since I’m not sure, I’ve told her we can move forward but we both have to try. Baby steps. She can’t forgive herself wants divorce but wants to see if I’m gonna change to see if it can maybe work out? Am I crazy for trying?
You aren't crazy for trying. Everyone deserves a second chance. I hope things worked out well for you Ben, either way.
I'm always working on myself.
my husband will love and give me affection, he will pursue me, he just won't give up those things that are not healthy, or admit what he is doing and has done, Which is not loving, right! It makes me feel like the one that doesn't love him because I am not chasing after him. I am not chasing after him because I don't know who he is and he fights for the rights that a single man has and is an unhealthy man with bad boundaries. I often wonder what would happen if I could draw him close to me. We are separated, still, after the EMS weekend. He is not participating in the follow-up meetings. I feel like it is my fault for not encouraging him more. And, I discovered he is not stopping his unfaithful behavior while we are "trying" to work on the relationship. What is the theory on small steps? He told me if we didn't get back together he was going to look for someone else. sooo of course, we couldn't get back together!
I needed to hear this. Thank you
EXCELLENT advice!! Thank you!
Thank you for this video! It was very encouraging and helpful
This video is great. Man, im not going to compete, i can't compete with fantasy and illusions. I'm not chasing you. Add, but I'm still going to be an example of Love, Jesus. I don't have to chase you though I'm being Loving.
Thank you great wisdom words 🙌🏽🙌🏽👏🏼👏🏼
Do you have an article or video on setting boundaries after multiple instances of infidelity? Are boundaries even possible at that point? Saying, if you cheat again, I'm leaving you has proven not to work.
well, shauna, if you've tried that and he's cheated again, it's probably something you need to visit inside of you that you would tolerate that and allow it. there is a great book on boundaries found here: www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1500405916&sr=8-1&keywords=boundaries+book (amazon link). if he continues to cheat, he will only probably stop at the threat of 1. loss 2. pain 3. consequences. if he's unwilling to stop acting out, you are going to need to take care of yourself and probably exit the situation. you may need to consider a separation or the like if he will not stop doing what he's doing. they get to say no to help but they don't get to say no and have life remain the same.
Overcoming Infidelity This is great information. And as always, thank you!
I needed this!! Thank you
I have always been in relationships were I was treated like a queen at the begin but after time I realized that that person was fake from the very start. I have stayed in my current relationship for over 3 years now and I have recently caught him cheating again. Every time I wanted to break up with him (for different reasons) he got me back by promising he would change. Sometimes he actually did... I'm a 100% in this relationship I have been giving it everything I can in every aspect but he doesn't want me unless I break up with him. all he is into is the chase. I know I need to break up with him but emotionally I CAN'T. I want to understand why that is. I know I will find a better man in a heartbeat but turning my back on our marriage and dogs breaks my heart. I'm so unhappy but I can't leave what is holding me back? I also come from a family that abuses drugs how is that connected? i appreciate any advice
i would read up on codependency and find a professional to assess you and see if you are truly codependent or are just dealing with issues of codependency in this relationship. there is a great book called codependent no more which is a great read for you my friend.
My marriage ended because of that. All I wanted was an emotionally available husband, but it was never going to be...he was too far gone and already in a rebound relationship as a broken man who cannot and never will be there for me. Love is only meant for a chosen few in any case and I'm not one of them.
In my aloneness, I will have to learn how to live with my loneliness.
What if all his family blame me and saying that I have a problem with forgiveness? My unfaithful is all about himself for two years already. I filed for divorce and there is no change but his self pity, stonewalling and gaslighting me all the time
Just a few days ago I caught my husband having an affair. We've had our share of problems that I thought we were working on prior to finding this out. As a matter of fact, now looking back at the timeline of when he began talking to this other woman, it was the same time he began being distant and indifferent with me. I wasnt understanding this sudden change in him. All he would say is that he came to the point where he was fed up with our issues and was done with me. The day he agreed to counseling and I set up our 1st appt (still a few weeks away) he was actually by her side the whole time. I am on the same boat where I am pursuing him to love me even though he has said he no longer does. I am still at the stage of wanting details that he is not willing to share. I want to understand why. As of today, he is still on board to go to counseling and has told me he won't make any promises that it will work out but that he is trying. I'm lost and don't know if I should keep being a loving wife I whole heartily feel within me to be or to distance myself. As crazy as it sounds, I don't hate him for what he did, however I am hurt and upset. Should I still distance myself even though he is willing to try to work on us? This is still all so new, not even a week yet since I found out the truth. I don't know what to do at this point. Is there anything you can suggest at this early stage?
I will be lifting you guys in prayer. I can't really say what to do because I'm not in your situation and i don't really know the circumstances. I also am not sure if you are a person of faith or not, however, for me, i would be willing to go to counseling and see if my marriage could be restored. Nothing is impossible with Jesus. He's in the miracle working business.
I would see where my spouses heart and mind is.
Is he owning it and taking responsibility. Does he seem remorseful and is he truly repentive. True repentance requires action away from the thing your repentive over. Genuine love requires sacrafice of self.
I would be fasting and praying.
If the situation is not safe, get yourself safe.
Its a tough situation and I'm truly sorry you are going through this. I will be praying.
What did you end up doing ? In your situation right now and stuck like u.
Same exact situation.
OK so let me ask a question, it’s only been one week for me since all of this came out. Is it OK to still tell your cheating spouse that you love them? Is that still OK to do? Is it OK to tell your cheating spouse that you are here anytime they want to talk? Should I stop doing all of that? (Cheating spouse moved out 3 days ago)
Thanks for the vids, that really helps me as betrayed spouse to keep the right attitude. After 18 years relation, I discovered my husband was having an affair with a 18 years younger girl (mildlife crisis?). I went through all kind of emotions, first started chasing him, then stopped, then started again... I'm working on myself now en won't pursue him anymore. He does want professional help now though but says he is not able to stop seeing his affair partner. Should I still go with him seek professional help ?
hi there. the reality is, he may find it to be too painful to stop.....but the truth is, he can stop if he wanted to bad enough. it's clear he needs help and a third party to help him walk through this. this course will help him break free of the affair partner:
www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing he won't be able to do it on his own. he'll need that outside intervention if you will. if he's fully committed to the process of getting help and getting healthy to end the affair, then perhaps it's a good choice to do recovery work with him. if he's not, and he's just dragging you along and not willing to end the affair eventually i would pull back, create space, enforce boundaries and let him see what life will be like without you.
@@samshealingpodcast Thank you so much for your reaction. It's very difficult to pull back and change the dance of ambivalence when we have kids and companies together. He says he CAN NOT choose for me and/or break free from his affair partner but I'm convinced he just does NOT WANT it enough indeed. That's the reason I'm stopping going to counseling now, because it's too painful for me and I must protect myself, but I hope I'm not making a mistake.
Can you make or do you have a video on the unfaithful spouse chasing the betrayed and steps it takes to get them to come around
Yes, is there any video or advice on the unfaithful pursuing the betrayed?? My husband and I are separated right now, there are times I just want some distance, but he doesn't really seem to give me that!! I just need space to breathe, think!!
what if I hurt her so much that made her cheat. She chose to stay with me and she's saying that she love's me but it's not the same anymore. Now I don't know what to do because half of me wants to be mad but half of me wants to make up to what i did to her.
So many women have been in worst situations and never did “that”.
I use to tell myself all the time before but you and her have to realize that was completely her decision to do that. She could have decided to do so many other things than that.
My wife use to blame too, but don’t ever accept that. She’s an adult and can make better decisions.
Hello, I need an advice. My partner has been cheating on me. We have just over one year of marriage and no kids. It is worth it to fight? ......I found some explicit sexual texts and photos on his phone from a co-worker, he told her that he loves her and cannot live without her in those texts. He says that it was only sexting and that he did not mean it and that he did not sleep with her but I don’t believe him, there were times in the past few months when he was not home and probably was with her. He is a liar, he was texting her when we were on vacations and he denied it until I went to search his texts while he was sleeping. Please give me an advice. I am young and can find a better person but I am not sure what to do.
hi there. I think you have to do recovery work to see IF it's worth it. you just don't know right now. perhaps doing repair work and seeing how he responds to that work will be an indicating factor if he's safe or not to consider spending the rest of your life with. it's too early to tell, but if he's not willing to do recovery work, that's also a huge red flag my friend.
Thank you very much for this information, pls reply me can someone love you and still continues cheating you?
Wow. Simply wow.
This is hard to hear since it is my current instinct.
This is a great video.
thanks for that and for watching.
Are cheaters narcissists? Are they worth staying with?
no, not all unfaithful partners are narcissists. with the right help, yes, some are definitely worth staying with.
He has an obsessive personality. He has always turned to stuff, me, football, sex, and absolutely anything he can find... I don't think he's gonna change in a gfood way. He is a very hurt person and it just keeps coming out.
Mine was the same. Ask yourself if you want to be a therapist for the rest of your life?
Yes!! This was me and my ex husband.
I said that to my partner who's having an affair. She just fights back 'cause she doesn't accept that I take on an independent role and care for myself. She had an affair because and in order that I be relegated to the function of carer of our children while she could be stimulated living her affair. Than she says she fundamentally loves me. How wonder what love, considering also she's not allowed me to touch her in years. Then the next day she says, fter a had a fit of anger at her betraying me, that she wants to split up and not see me anymore. In some way she drives me mad. As the video says I"m no perfect man and have my share of responsibility in the deterioration of our couple, but she had options and decided to go on with the cheating. Not that maybe she could help it more than she could when she fell in love with me, but honesty , still, would have been a better policy and they had the choice to be frank .What a sap I've been.
How does Trauma betrayal effects the children in the marriage
could be with fear, or abandonment, or anger, or even feeling betrayed themselves. every situation differs but it does affect them my friend.
I took my children to counselors for quite some time w/ my marriage/separation/divorce back in 1999 when I filed for divorce. (married in 1981) It helped but there was abuse in that marriage that escaped and forced me to file for divorce and a restraining order. Absent any type of mental or physical violence, our children suffer. Life as we all expected it to be until death, changes in divorce.
how can i deal with separation
focus on your own healing and working through your own issues. find an expert therapist, take one of our course and do the free bootcamp: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp it's more than possible to heal and make it through all this.
Can only the betrayed spouse attend the workshops?
We have many varying programs and courses. Some are for individuals and some are for couples. www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses. We have our 2nd annual Hope Rising conference coming up specifically for betrayed spouses only. www.affairrecovery.com/hope-rising
that's not true for everyone
Some are serial cheaters -
Others there was something missing in the relationship
shannen, you're right: some are in fact serial cheaters. i'm not quite sure about your point on the 'something missing' comment. truth is, there's always something missing. it never means it's ok to cheat or act out. NEVER in my opinion.
being a double-minded man, unstable and restless in all his ways [in everything he thinks, feels, or decides]. Amen !!!
James, 1:8; Amen !!!
I understand and i have had no contact for over a year and i still love my husband what do you do with that
Im seeking help .... im the unfaithfull person... i love my pathner and i dk what else to do.... i know the love is still there i can feel it but i know it is hard for dem to take me back... what can i do ? please help
hi ricardo. this class will help you for sure: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing you can also do the free bootcamp here: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp i would watch as many videos as you can, take the courses mentioned above and see if your partner will also do recovery work with you and do all you can my friend to work on you and the relationship.
Hi Ricardo
Immediately Get the right therapist with infidelity marriage issues
There are certain therapists or counselors that are experience in this area
This will help you in your healing and I pray your marriage
God bless brother
Continue to listen to these videos for great information