Four Ways to Win the Betrayed Spouse's Heart Back
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 17 ก.ค. 2019
- Today Samuel shares four key points that the unfaithful can utilize to win back their betrayed spouse's heart.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
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If the unfaithful is dishonest even just 5% of the time, the betrayed feels they can't trust them 100% of the time. There is zero room for dishonesty after such betrayal.
Exactly!!
I just wanted to say thank you for your comment. Being the one who betrayed a loved one is the 7th ring of hell according to Dante and yes living with this greif, regret, guilt and anguish on a daily basis is hell. Hell from the seperation. Hell for knowing how much pain i caused her. And shame for allowing my self to do what i did. And yes, i became a stranger in that moment.
Its been almost 2 months. And shes 4 months pregnant with our child. I dont want to make matters worse by contacting her so freshly wounded. All i know is that im a good man, but i made a selfish and terrible mistake.
How long should i wait to contact her? My heart cries out for her and i have made serious adjustments in my life. I just want her to know that i still want to be the man in her world. And im afraid that ship has sailed.
@@RobertDress-dq9pc first off, I want to say I'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation, I know the pain you're dealing with and it is immense.
Secondly I want to say good on you for asking these questions and wanting to do something about it.
I would suggest that you start going to therapy if you haven't already - it will help with the pain and show the person you care about that you are being pro-active about bettering yourself.
If a therapist agrees I would suggest writing a heartfelt letter and sending it to her through a third party, or asking a third party if she would be open to receiving a letter or something along those lines.
Go over the content of the letter with your therapist to ensure it addresses everything effectively.
Look after yourself and your health, you have value even if you don't feel it right now.
Hang in there
Someone once wrote that, people who embark on listening to these kinda videos and seek knowledge are the vanquished (betrayed spouses) rather than the unfaithful
True
Exactly
Not always
Don't feel he ever understood I needed him to "win" me back.
Transparency and honesty are a must! Even if it hurts! I have told my spouse many times that I would rather hear an ugly truth then a million sweet lies!
As a betrayed spouse I want to thank you for making these videos. And for the viewers do whatever they are asking if they want you to get tested get tested. If they want to see your electronics let them. You as the unfaithful spouse don't get to avoid shame if you want the relationship to work. And if you don't want the relationship anymore then be honest about that. Better to let go better to move on for everyone.
😊
The reality is that the betrayer can have multiple phones and emails.
"Congruency" is so important...your words and actions must align!
The accuracy in some of the things you say that are common occurrences after betrayal truly amazes me and makes me feel like I’m not alone for the first time in so many years. I mean, it’s not like we feel comfortable talking to anyone outside of our marriage about it. It’s an incredibly isolating place for both the betrayer and the betrayed. Thank you for creating this community and for being a light at the end of the tunnel for us to use as we navigate this journey.
What you said about truthful 95% of the time. And a few times you lied. That’s where we are. After 4 years more lies, and lies that had been revisited many many times because they were about foundational things. You almost always get caught. Why would you hurt your spouse that way AGAIN? I’ve lost hope and no longer care to try. These new lies were just too big . When you have a chance to recover and gain forgiveness and your response to that chance is to pile on more lies, this relationship is only important to one person .
I get it. big lies....it just gets too much and you can't keep tolerating it. i'm glad you've drawn some lines in the sand as there are just limits to what you can and should tolerate in recovery work.
Thank you for your videos. There is a lot of judgement when it comes to cheaters, and not enough empathy. We can all agree that lying is awful, and reprehensible. Yet people who truly regret what they've done can have a chance to be understood.
My cheater has ZERO childhood wounds or traumas... he’s just purely selfish. I should’ve listened when he told me 20 years ago...”I’m a pretty selfish guy.” Wow ‼️🚨🚨🚨
“When they tell you who they are, believe them.” - Oprah
Mine has been faking kindness throughout the 15 years
I’m the unfaithful, and after 3 years, he still screams abuse at me, and calls me vile names. I don’t try to justify my affair, and agree with all his abuse. I beg for forgiveness constantly, but sometimes I think he enjoys the name calling.
Expressing pain and hurt is fine, from that place healing can flow. Abuse in any form is never ok, it will only erode the relationship further. The unfaithful has no excuse for their betrayel. The betrayed has to be free to process all of their feelings and thoughts to their spouse and yes it is painful to the unfaithful. When a spouse is abusive if possible the most loving thing to do is walk away not enabling them to continue their own sinful behavior. No retaliation or wrong doing is ever justifiable for either spouse regardless of what evil has been done. 1 Corinthians 13.
There's no shortage of bad therapists out there but you guys need a good one; sometimes the first one is a good fit and sometimes you don't see them a second time
Good 🤞 luck
I'm the WS too and I'm dealing with the same thing
I understand his hurt and pain, but you also deserve to have boundaries that he cannot cross. And you have to hold those boundaries. Yes, what you did was extremely wrong...but you are not his slave or an object he can abuse because you made a serious mistake.
What if the unfaithful spouse was being abused before, during and after the affair. Emotionally and physically. How does the unfaithful spouse make the relationship better.
My ex who I divorced for adultery are back together now 2 yrs and I found out he had another affair during our marriage for 3 yrs with another co- worker and it’s hitting me like a ton of bricks like it just happened again. We lost our middle son in 2020 and that’s why we got back together. I’m scared of being a fool again.
I am so sorry for your loss. I can hear so much of what I have been through like you.
We lost our only son in 2017. Soon after my husband had yet another affair (number 5 at that time). We did separate for about a year but have tried to repair for the sake of our daughters and since we have been married for 30 years. During the separation he continued his affair and started another relationship as well. While working on reconciliation and doing the EMS, beyond EMS and after both doing the courses for the betrayed and unfaithful he had another affair. He is doing some good work but I don’t know if it is enough for me to trust or get over the enormity of his many affairs, the lying, gaslighting, and complete lack of empathy he has shown through out our marriage. I don’t want to be a fool again, but more importantly, I think I have come to realize that I have enough love for my self and our daughters as well as self-respect to stay with someone who has been so selfish and has cruelly broken his vows and our family. I think you can be loving and forgiving but that does not always mean reconciliation is possible nor the road to healing.
Sending you love and prayers.
I'm so sorry for your loss and your heartbreak. Prayers for you to hold you up and that our lord carries you in this time of chaos. May you lean on our Lord's peace and strength to guide you in this season. God bless you
Another awesome video Samuel. Hoping the husband watches it too to further gain insight into what's needed for my healing as betrayed and us together.
I wish if my husband could hear what you are saying , he did the four ways but in the opposite way. But I know what I wanted to hear to feel from him and thanks to you I know I was not wrong or crazy all this time . Thank you for this video.
Thank you once again Samuel. I wish you knew how much all your talks have helped me get through the toughest time of my life.
I love your videos. You accurately describe some of the feelings that us betrayed, experience.
Every point was a nail hit square on its head of not only rebuilding what broke but also inferred what surrounding matters needed additional edification/framing/buttressing. 👍 Nailing it! Would like to hear more points!
This really opened my eyes about defensiveness. When he floods and wants his space, or gets angry I get defensive because I get hurt from being shut out. This has changed my perspective on it.
Are you the cheater?
I've betrayed my wife multiple times and she is at the point where she doesn't want to talk to me about our relationship and wants space so she can think and decide on what she wants to do with our marriage. And I don't know what to do. I'm struggling so much because I just want to be a better husband and not give up on what we've built.
I’m in the same position.
Same position except we aren’t married yet, but had that in our future. First time I went on Snapchat and saw nudes and sexting from when I was single, went down a rabbit hole and downloaded tinder to find girls to sext. My partner found out, almost left and gave me a chance, I promised to get help with my issues and porn addiction but I didn’t. Months later I ended up getting a happy ending massage, then months later I hadn’t done anything until i did cocaine and stayed up for 2 nights and was watching p0rn while she slept and went on locanto and messaged some girls posting ads for casual sex. I didn’t meet anyone and came off the drugs and regretted it. Deleted the account, but next day she saw and email on my phone about the messages and saw everything. I then opened and told her everything even the massage. She now wants to leave and go back to Brazil. I know there’s still love for me in her that wants to give me a chance but her friends all say leave and she is scarred and hurt and wants to run. I’m scared I will lose her forever if she leaves, she can’t see that I’m doing the work to get better this time, I’m here and I’m booked to see a psychologist. I’m devasted I’ve never wanted to leave her I love her dearly but she doesn’t think so
@@antinsanwowhy did you do it? And also, what happened? Did she stay? I am reading this message and it already past 5 months.
Thank you ❤️❤️
They should have been working this hard instead of after having affairs and then getting back to good graces.
I like the meet them in their pain.
Gotta learn how to do that
Thank you Mr. Samuel. What you are doing with these videos is awesome. And I really appreciate it. Thank you
Thank you.
Thanks
It's hard for me to imagine you being an a.....e, Samuel! Your videos portray a kind & gentle & comforting soul. Kudos to you... you've come a long way, baby!
It's called growth. And yes, he sounds very kind and loving on camera. I'm sure he is off camera too.
@@davidfrey5654
You don’t really know someone until you live with them.
(And maybe not even then!)
I struggle to believe you really made it through all of your recovery without ever getting smacked. Just sayin. 😛. Thanks for these words. Spot on.
will this help if I was an emotional abuser. I am taking responsibility and have stooped all that behaviors and in therapy
you'll probably need to do a ton of recovery work on you, then try and identify specific areas that you abused your mate and look for expert care on how to work towards healing those specific areas. the principles work, but for abuse, you'll need to do a bit more than general stuff.
I betrayed my spouse and I hate myself for making such a stupid mistake. I'd do anything to make things right and I want to change and grow as a person. Feel free to roast me on here, I deserve aveything I get.
The fact that you're here tells me you don't need to be roasted to learn what you needed to learn. 💜 Have some compassion for yourself. I'm a betrayed partner, and I would be so happy to find out my partner was watching videos like this of their own volition. I wish you the best, and I hope you and your partner can move forward in a healthy, honest way. Good job holding yourself accountable and seeking resources to help you be a better partner.
Sorry. That doesn't work for me. Betray my trust once, twice, and then 4 times, all the 'trust' in you has gone. I know he won't do anything again, but it's too late. He gave to others what belonged to me and only me. Whenever we have sex, all I can see is him doing it with 'them'. There's is nothing left that is 'mine'. He gave it all away. He even had the audacity to ask if I'd cheated on him, saying, 'I thought that if you'd done the same, it would be ok.' What a cop-out. Sorry, I took my marriage vows seriously, obviously you didn't. Cheat once, I'm finished. I only stay because of financial convenience. Sounds harsh? You're damn right. He knew what he was doing every time. He says he 'felt so bad', but not bad enough to stop him from doing it again. Nah, I'm done. I have no feelings for him, nothing. I don't love him, I don't hate him. There's just, nothing. All his fault.
How are you now?
That's where I'm at
I also had childhood trauma and my wife knew but didn’t know details….should I give her details now?
I miss my wife so much right now. I cheat and messed up doing what i shouldnt have done and mess it up and she doind out. I really want to be a better man. Right now, im hurting for hurting her. I just want my wife so bad. Weve been married 5 yeaes and its not the first time, but ahe stood by me through the dirst instance.. even as i was on rhe road to being a better husband, i messed up yet again... Thank you for this video..😢
What in the heck?
If you want her so bad, why did you cheat on her?
my spouse said that i am just justifying my self when I told her about my childhood abuses :(
It feels horrible, but we have to know how to differentiate things, I have childhood traumas too, I have blocked memories, I just realized this after 3 months of trying to start a recovery, that may explain my behavior, but it’s not an excuse to act out, I cannot use it to defense myself by playing the victim of my trauma, that discovery is just a origin of my addiction to heal so I don’t relapse in the future, but damage is already done and I have to take responsability of it.
hi samuel.. thankq for the vedio... i have a question.. if the betrayed spouse think that if an unfaithful spouse love him or her, then y they cheat them.. and this question hunting him or her and what ever whys an unfaithful spose trys to expain and dont want to leave them and want to save their marriage, the betrayed spouse dont want to think it positive instaed they are getting deep into depression.. what can we do as a unfaithful spouse?
What should I do if the unfaithful spouse wants to marry the AP and tells me that he was never interested in our marriage of 14 yrs with 2 kids? This hurts so much.
I'm so sorry ur hurting like this...I'll be🛐4 you&ur kids...May
God Bless You with☮❤☺❣
I'm so sorry Anjana ☹️
There really are no words, even though I've been through betrayal, I still don't know what to say or what the perfect words I would want to hear are ....maybe it's because there simply aren't any? Words don't do anything to do the pain. Maybe time will? I'm still in this and haven't gotten through it yet but just wanted to say Im so sorry for your shock, profound pain and heartbreak.
it appears the unfaithful is rewriting history to justify their affair(s). it's a common exercise the unfaithful does to justify their choices and make you the bad guy not them. it's deflection and i know it hurts so bad. i'm terribly sorry they are doing this to you. i would start to study it and begin to understand why they do it.
I hope things have improved.. I just hope both of u have reconciled.
The one thing that is never discussed is when the unfaithful partner repeats the same offense over and over again. Affairs and pornography addictions. They say all the right things but the deceit and evil behavior doesnt change. There are no words to justify that and the unfaithful cant fix anything until the abuse stops. I wish there were videos addressing that issue. All the recovery videos assumes he is abstaining from his vices, which isnt the truth and then he lies about all of it again. Just so sad😢
Love your videos, just wanted to ask if you can make a video when the WWS blames the AP. Doesn’t blame me but blames the AP for reaching out to them. They admit their error in judgment but, there is always a “but”.
Samuel, your blogs have been a huge help. I wonder if you ever touch on the subject of sexual addiction and how a couple are able to work through something so damaging to a marriage.
thanks so much. working on that scenario but due to covid interviews are tough to pull off. thank you for the reminder and suggestion
@@samshealingpodcast Thank you Samuel, it's a situation I find myself in as the unfaithful. I'm 5 months on from discovery and my wife is understandably so angry and broken. I myself am absolutely beside myself with shame and remorse. Doing everything I can to change and evolve and working hard at my recovery. I just want the opportunity to try and repair things and start a new life with my wife and 18 month old daughter.
Once the betrayed spouse files for divorce is it time to give up and move on? Even if you as the betrayer want nothing more than to repair and heal.
not necessarily no. sometimes, they do this and don't follow through on it. sometimes they do. sometimes, couples get divorced and then remarry after. i would respect her wishes and boundaries, but not give up and continue to get all the help you can and do as much as you can to get healthy and develop a strong recovery.
100%
Why would any sane man want that back? Once trust has gone you can never get that back.
My husband is completely opposite. He doesn’t want to keep track of my phone or doesn’t call or text me to know where I am. We are also separated for 2 months now. He doesn’t want to talk about the infidelity. Not sure what I’m supposed to do. 😔
It sounds like he has been hurt so badly he has reached the state of indifference.
It has been said that the opposite of love is not hate it is indifference.
I would start preparing for the inevitable.
He is pushing it down to not deal with it. That's what my husband did for 15 years and now we are dealing with it because it's rearing it's ugly head. He's finally dealing with it....kinda. all you can do is pray.
Because he doesn't care, the "possessive" nature of man over his wife comes from a place of caring about their partner, he now doesn't care, you're now free he doesn't feel you anymore, whatever connection he had for you is gone will never return.
If you're the cheater just remember if he sleeps with you still he can probably only do it if thinking of someone else,
Dude she wants me to move out, what can I do?
How long after D day did you start being transparent, and how long after d day did you do full disclosure?
i did full disclosure on d day and it all came out. she had more questions, but i gave all the info out the first time i came clean. i had to, so i'm not considering myself noble or special, but i was forced as others were coming the next day to confirm or deny what i had done.
I betrayed my wife....yeh im that guy.
And its all to do with my selfish compulsions to solve inner turmoil left over for childhood.
There is no excuse, but like a drug addict there is a reasin why they do these things. I am not a safe persin to be in a relationship with and the guilt consumes me every day.
I hope through my growth through psychotherapy to get to the bottom of myself and fix the partnof me thats broken and subsequently breaks other peoole
I’m so sorry you’re going through this ❤
Best of luck to you!
Why the hell would the betrayed want back the cheater.Vows were destroyed
Of course, I can't answer that in general and for everyone else, but in my case it's like this: I've always been of the opinion that everyone has mistakes and makes mistakes, and that people who are doing badly and who suffer tend to make mistakes more often, sometimes bigger ones. And the thing about "suffering" applies fully to my husband for the past. Despite everything that has happened and despite the psychological and emotional damage that has happened to me, I love this person more than anything and am infinitely happy and grateful to still have him by my side. And he helps me with every means at his disposal to get back on my feet. He's a really great person! But he had insane problems that he couldn't solve and couldn't share because he's only learned since early childhood that the way he secretly and really is, he's "wrong" and has to suppress it. That's why I'm staying with my husband, who cheated, had an affair and was with prostitutes. Because even during all the years that he did that, he was always there for me, always by my side! He says the only thing that saved him was that he always loved me and was terrified of losing me. That's the only reason why he had the courage to come out last year with the subsequent revelations of what he did to be 100% "male" - something he couldn't be with me because I've always (we're 30 years together) subconsciously embracing his feminine side- my husband is non-binary and I love it!