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The True Definition of Love and Its Role In Surviving an Affair
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 19 พ.ค. 2020
- What does love now mean to the couple who is dealing with the effects of infidelity or addiction? Does true love mean you automatically forgive and stay? Does love mean you should overlook obvious signs of destructive behavior? Better yet, does love mean you should be willing to suffer for your mate’s choices? I’ll address these tough questions today.
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Infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW, is one of America’s foremost authorities on helping individuals and couples struggling with affairs and compulsive sexual behaviors. He is Founder and President of AffairRecovery.com, the first company to offer anonymous worldwide online group support for those impacted by infidelity. Reynolds holds a Master's Degree in Social Work and is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. In 1992, Reynolds developed and began leading “affair recovery groups.” He received his Master's of Social Work from the University of Denver and completed three years of post-graduate training at the Colorado Institute for Marriage and Family Therapy. He has also worked at the nationally-known Minirth-Meier Tunnel & Wilson Clinic before moving on to private practice: www.affairrecovery.com/about-...
After my husband's betrayal, I learned that love is a choice. I no longer believe in "soulmates" or the kind of "true love" you see in Disney movies. Every day I'm choosing to love him, but damn are some days hard. We used to do that playful "you're the best!" "No, you're the best!" back and forth. Now, whenever he says "you're the best," I just say "I know." He didn't deserve a second chance, but I was gracious enough to give it to him anyway. Yeah hubby, I am the best, and don't you friggin' forget it again.
Amen!!!
I relate to everything you are saying…
Might it be good to recognize that he obviously is trying to be better and someday the two of you can again play the "you're the best " game?
You saying the "I know" is like a jab still. I would say find something new to say to each other and continue working on forgiveness. It's important for you and the new journey in your marriage your both on together.
Oh yeah, that bubble has been burst for me too. But am not sure if choosing to love him will be what I choose just found out in december and we just started therapy which he initiated so will see still deciding.
I tried to show “love” that the Savior had even I wanted to walk away. I was so hurt. But 18 months after DDay, I found out he was still keeping the relationship.
Thank you for assuring me that it’s okay to release myself from suffering. I feel bad because he finally woke up. But knowing how hard he worked to keep his affair while I was living in hell trying to be like our Savior, I can’t risk my soul to get destroyed anymore.
I am the betrayed. I understand the pain. I feel the only source of healing for me is coming from God. He is also my source for forgiveness. I couldn't forgive this betrayal on my own but I pray daily that God's love & forgiveness will flow through me to my husband. God has given me a heart for my husband again. I love him, I forgive him, & our marriage is being redeemed by the grace of God. Thank you Affair Recovery for your helpful & often timely videos. To healing!
This is my life, also, thank you for putting this into understandable words. May I add that I believe the therapists at Affair Recovery are God's instruments of and healing. Thank you, Affair Recovery, and thank You, God. 💗
I have to say that I was done w/ my marriage. Like DONE DONE. The kids & I moved out, I retained an attorney to draw up the separation agreement which we signed. And then I somehow came across one of your videos in one of my youtube rabbit holes searching for how i could stop the hemorrhage in my heart. I don't know if it will ever be repaired, but these videos have given me some insight and perspective I may never have considered about the unfaithful as well as helping me understand the trauma I am going through yet again. Thank you.
It is devastating to learn that in the past 30 years, you were ”all in” and he never was. Understanding addiction is what allowed me to recommit, to try again and to forgive. Unfortunately, that was received as being given a pass, and allowed him time and time again to teeter around on the precipice of active addiction, pretending to hope he wouldn’t fall in. He has come far in five years, but still isn’t sober or “all in.” Finally, I have enough self respect to let him go and free myself from spending the rest of my life settling and waiting for him to make a decision about what, and who, is really important to him. It’s profoundly sad because I believe we both love each other..... but unlike the fairy tales Wayne speaks of, sometimes love is not enough.
My story is so similar to yours. We were married for nearly five years...so much addiction and bad choices. From the very week it began I realized that I had not been allowed to see the full extent of his addiction. But I persevered for a long time...but eventually his actions communicated that he was not ‘all in’ at all either. When he casually told me he had never loved me, I just couldn’t take any more. I am so devastated but truly don’t know what else to do except let him go.
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. You deserve respect, safety, joy, and commitment from a partner. I pray that your healing will be a clear path, and that you will find peace with it all. None of it is your fault. I know how hard that is to believe. But it is true. Sending love💙
This hit home for me in so many ways as a betrayed husband. Wayne is fantastic
Love is a verb. Verbs are action words. Actions that make the relationship thrive is love.
Wish my wife understood this. She thinks love is this mystical force that she feels for her AP and has never felt for me in the 9 years we have been married.
Love is redefined post affair/infidelity. The fairytales are no more. It’s better because real love is lived in real time. No one is the “Fairest of them All” and the Knight’s armor is rusted. You know you don’t complete each other and you were never meant to do so. Real love is gritty and deep. If you’re willing to fight through the lies infidelity teaches, you become better as a person and you can become better as a couple (if the cheater does their work). The illusions of perfection are GONE. You love each other in truth.
How did you put this so perfectly?....
Beautifully said
Thank you.
"Failure to love." This phrase strikes more true in my heart, especially in light of God's word, than the claim that an unfaithful spouse "love but behaves unlovingly." The latter sounds very much like a minimization.
This has touched me, very deeply. Thank you Wayne. I needed this, at this exact moment in my life and recovery. Bless you.
Wayne - thanks so much for touching upon our misconceptions about what true love is. My soul and spirit is souring at hearing you talk about the love that our Savior, Jesus Christ displayed for us all. This is indeed our guide to love others -- as hard this is to do daily.
The Truth in the Bible still carries me through this devastating experience and having people like you at Affair Recovery provides so much perspective and motivation to keep going. Hugs.
Girasoli Per Te yes. Jesus’ message was love .
I hear you.. crystal clear. I pray, I beg God to help me be gentle, to help me give up my anger. 🙁
Probably the best, most profound AR video yet. Thank you.
I have been watching these videos daily for the last 2 months to help me through the pain as an unfaithful. My wife has moved onto another relationship, but has stated she misses me but is very hurt and mad. Outside of a prayer, can we heal?
Seriously though SAHD GURU discussed this, and he said Love is about how you can make that person happy, not how they make you happy. This has really helped me understand soooooooo many things.
Always wonderful to have Wayne share his expertise.
Its been over a year since my cheating destroyed a beautiful relationship and hurt this beautiful woman i, still up to this day, deeply deeply love.
Affair Recovery, thank you and God bless your staff for helping me deal with my hurt, pain, struggles and bringing insight, understanding, hope and healing to myself. Most of all, aware and empathetic to what i have done to her and put her through.
I hope one day....
Thank you so much for this wonderful message,🙏 it came to me today at the perfect moment, I’m feeling so much peace and love in my heart being the betrayed husband, I pray gods love to pour over my wife’s heart and mine, I pray for our reconciliation🙏 and true healing and happiness in our life’s, I also extend this prayer to everyone who is experiencing this, may we feel Gods love 🏄♂️🏄♂️🏄♂️🏄♂️🏄♂️🏄♀️🏄♀️🏄♀️🏄♀️🏄♀️🏄♀️
May we heal our children’s hearts as well,
Amen 🙏.
Amen 🙏.
Thank you. My toughest hurdle has been overcoming the pain of my wife's affair and, instead of being loving and forgiving, I needed to get over wanting my wife to hurt like I did, even though in conversation with her I I had hurt her in the past too.
I wish I would have loved and forgiven better earlier in the process since it has been nearly 5 years since D-Day and I would hate to think they were wasted years.
Still not reconciled with my wife, but feel we are slowly starting to draw closer.
Glad to hear your side of the story and know your realizations to forgive sooner I’ve been pursuing my betrayed for a year now and it feels forever. When I am remorseful and suffered enough consequences , why does he still want me to hurt and bear pain. And these videos are my go to for answers. I rely upon God when ours will be restored. I believe you are in the right track though.
Relationship are just too painful...is it all worth it?
So your saying what we need to do is "FORGIVE" The other person for the infidelity? See to me that isn't fair.
Forgiving is not the same as reconciling. Forgiveness can be more for us than the person that betrayed us. We should forgive them even if we dont want or cant work things out with them, and go seperate ways. Its essential that we take back that power and peace, by not letting the hurt they caused fester and cause hardness and bitterness in our hearts. It hurts us more than them.
Hi Glenda.🙂. My name is Maria. I just wanted to share a little bit with you, in a response to your question. In short, yes. Eventually forgiveness is necessary, even vital, to the betrayed in infidelity. Maybe in a sense also for the unfaithful, but i believe more so for the betrayed. My husband was unfaithful, I'm the betrayed. I never thought he would do something like that to me, but it happened. Initially, at the beginning especially, it's hard for the betrayed to forgive, and even want to forgive. So many emotions are felt by betrayed's, honestly it feels like hell, especially during the beginning. It takes time, time betrayed's have to give, to get to where we need to be, and should be. It's a choice. Once the dust settles and the tears dry up, as help is sought and obtained, things become easier to do, including forgiveness. Forgiveness frees you and you live life so differently. Like the video said, it doesn't mean you go back to someone who is unsafe. But when forgiveness is given, we are given so much back in return, the poison of the unforgiveness doesn't and won't affect us and those around us. It takes time, diligence, consistency and patience, but you can get there ( if you're the betrayed). We must choose. I hope that helps!🙂☺
Glenda Talamantes in the long run forgiving the unfaithful souse is best, and easier than I thought . He has cancer now and , as my son’s father, I hope he bears the cancer , I don’t want to see him suffer . I on,y recall all of his good traits .
The peace u get when u let go and forgive though. It shows you a new strength you never had. Try it Glenda 🙏
Thembi Tabata I “ HOPE” one day to get there. Right now after 4 yrs I don’t know how. 😥
My marriage also became much better when I forgave and let go and told him of all toxic thoughts that I would normally justify as a reason for vengeance.
Thank you, somehow y'all are always perfectly timed...God provides, right?
7 months post d-day, 5-ish months into Active reconciliation/recovery, I've been going through a bit of an existential crisis over this very thing recently. Everything I Thought I KNEW was just a mirage...a pretty veneer that wore away until finally instead of having the difficult conversations, he went outside our relationship....
Is there really Nothing on Earth that is Certain? turns out, no..Nothing on Earth. It was actually one of the very first things our therapist said though I resisted it at the time. Trying to figure out how to live with that is turning out to be more of a challenge than I expected.
Now we're moving on to strengthening the relationship, trying to make it/keep it a safe space for each other, and being more willing to have the difficult conversations.
I guess the part I'm struggling with now...the existential crisis that I'm having trouble getting comfortable with...is I won't really know if it's working until AFTER the fact. :-/
So again...thank you for this!
My wife had an affair and told me she hasn't loved me in years. We are trying to work it out for the kids... I just don't know what is best.
I needed this validation and wording today. I seriously just tried to communicate this exact same thing to my husband this morning. This said it better than I could have.
I though I love my husband but now I don't know if I ever love him, i dont want to stay with him I am scare that if I leave him that means I will never be able to forgive him I am lost thank you for your video.
If the unfaithful doesn't do the work and chooses to watch your suffering and doesn't see that being together is an act of love on the betrayed s part how can you forgive when they say they own it but don't do the work?
This is my predicament at the moment. I'm moving out 🤷🏿♀️
He talks a great game and goes to SAA, IC, and MC. We also did EMS weekend and are part of Beyond EMS, but won't do the things it takes to be safe for me. Rather than use the guidance hes getting, it is all being used as a way for him to say he is "trying sooo hard!" without telling the whole truth, without getting rid of avenues of acting out, etc. It is unfortunate, but I must be strong in my boundaries for myself AND my kids. My parents stayed together throughout our childhood, even though my mom was the dishonest one (instead of infidelity; she was committing crimes like fraud). My sister has helped me learn how damaging that was to us kids. We had no safe place away from our mom. And my dad is ruined financially and has no retirement still saved. Staying together can be harmful for me AND my kids. I will consider reconciliation when my husband does the work on his own, not just going to sessions!!
Many people would say that I got off easy because my wife cheated over the phone for about a month before I found out, but It still hurt like hell when she came out to the garage one evening and asked if she could stay living with me, but wanted to go to his house to sleep with HIM! FML, I couldn't believe she would ask me such a stupid question,, already knowing the answer. She said that maybe she asked because she knew the answer and was trying to find a way out. I find that VERY hard to believe since the evening she asked to sleep with him she denied doing "ANYTHING" with him when she already did. I call BS
In my situation, he would have not changed had all this crisis came into our life but of course I take the blame and responsibility of my actions. It is to me a case to case basis although have connections. I think at some point in our lives we will have to meet some kind of crisis like situation and it is really very painful. I hold on to faith to carry us through.
How how how do I heal from such pain and agony that years of infidelity multiple women for most of or 18 years of marriage can you heal from this pain I don't think so.
Hu
Question...my husband does not want the marriage and has been living with his affair partner for several months but will not initiate a divorce. what does that mean?
These lovely people are usually very good about replying to questions on thier vids. In the meantime tho, I've seen and read articles on thier channel and website for the very question you've asked. I hope you can find a few moment to explore thier content.
Stacye Doss perhaps he’s waiting for you to pay for the filing of the divorce ? But, is that what you want ?
@@honey-feeney9800 Unfortunately, yes. I'm tried of waiting on someone who clearly has no regard for my feelings or our God or our marriage. Gotta move on.
He has broken the marriage bond but then refuses to file. I don’t know if you don’t want to file because you want him back or because that would mean you have more of the cost or because you think you are breaking up the marriage by filing. He broke the bond and you would just be making that public by filing.
Thanks everyone for responding but I have taking charge of my future and filed for divorce. I didn't file initially because I felt if he asked for it he should pay for it, but I got tried of living in limbo so I filed. The process is long but worth my peace and joy. ✌
NEVER noticed the tats on his arm before. Kool
With the flower shirt it reminds me of the big tatted guys with the little miniature Doberman lol
❣
I just don’t believe in love anymore. I think it’s one of the most abused words in the English language.
Love is Jesus, a decision, sacrifice, and is unconditional.