Help: My Unfaithful Spouse Refuses to End the Affair
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 ก.ค. 2024
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Samuel answers a question regarding how the betrayed spouse should respond when the unfaithful refuses to end their affair.
Thank you so much for this video!!! You’re so right on about this concept of letting the unfaithful spouse know that you’re not going to be in competition with the affair partner or the addiction. I totally agree with you 😉
ONe of the best videos!! I loved the punch-line "as long as the unfaithful is going set the directions of the recovery it is going to be dysfunctional. Because THEY ARE dysfunctional".
(not a word-on-word quote, but that is what I took away from it) Very powerful! Thank you!
so glad it helped you. thank you for posting my friend.
wow, just leave and walk away from toxic ppl, why would you force anyone to change? change yourself is the easiest way to do. put yourself 1st.
That very last statement before he ended resignanted so strongly..my betrayer continues to tell me how he will fix things or what we don't need to do to get thru this. One minute he says yes to therapy then the next its a no..I just gave up..been keeping distance .
Finally, I got the answers on my questions. I am not going to debase myself and have some competition with his AP. Even when I see both of them in the elevator, I will not react. I will just think that my husband that I loved before is already dead since the time he cheated on me... i will focus on myself.
👊👍That’s what I have decided! The man I loved died years ago.
Omg I so agree with u. Bless ur heart for what u r going thru. But finally I have an answer that makes sense. Trying to do the Godly wife thing by being available and letting him treat me like dirt does not work. I'm tired of being a doormat. I sure appreciate this video. Hope things are better for u
This is exactly what I needed to hear today! Exactly
This is my position at the moment as well. Thank you for this empowering video.
This clip is exactly my position at this moment, Thanks for the advice
Because mine would not stop cheating so now after 32 years, I set my boundaries & held to the consequences. I am know going through a divorce. He said he "stayed" because he was "obligated" to me. What? You weren't obligated to your vows?
They refuse to end the affair means ,they don't love ,you ,goodbye!!
Well said, this is a great video. Thank you so much for this informative scenarios really helped a lot, for a person like me who is on this situation. Healing process is never ending. I’m hoping that my pain will go away soon enough. God Bless.
What if theres a child involved
Damn..this is amazing..I needed to watch this!
Thanks
Excellent advice!
I really need the ems weekend, but just can't afford it. I am so lost and so hurt and confused. This is literally hell, my worst nightmare. I can't live this way.
hi anne, can you borrow the money? can you maybe get an interest free credit card and then use that to pay for it and you can pay it over 18 or so months? some people do that for sure. you can do a thousand dollar deposit through us and take 6 months to pay it off?
Right here with you, love 😭
Me too ...
How do you know he refuses? I mean they allways Say it's over
2 months into recovery, finding out he hasn’t ended the affair even though he said he had. He won’t be honest about anything... he has been living on and off with her...
So lost...
said he loves me but has feelings for her and enjoys her company. She is 18 he is 30...
I feel so horrible for our child and the end of our marriage... I still can not let go.....
He doesn’t want to say we are separated...
I made the call he can not continue to have both... so hard with a child involved
You're not alone. My wife is in the same spot. Keep praying. I hold onto the fact that life moves on and I won't be feeling this bad forever.
Hails J... so sorry to hear that. I am in the same spot. my current Wife has decided to leave me (wants a divorce) after 16 years and two kids with special needs/autism. She brought it out after I discovered two months ago an emotional affair she was having for a few months (as what she told me) and still is having. The other man does not even live in the state and talk/text only on phone. Talk 8-10 a day. I mean about 3000-4000 minutes talking and 3000 texts a month over the last couple of months. Most are her to him when I am not around. We just sold our home, she just got her own apartment and we are moving out in a month. I know/understand that I had part of the break up and had to change some stuff. Been working on myself. I also understand the affair was not my fault. Her choice. But she never directly came to me talk about things and does not work on things. Yes, she still kisses me and says love you and also acts too nice at times like if nothing ever happened. Crazy how people could act that way.
Flex B you’re not alone. Same thing has being happened in few thousands miles away here in HK. She refuses to admit and avoids talking about relationship at all. It’s a hell i’m living in with a little daughter.
@@downtostandup Truth!!
This is exactly what has been happening! What is the title of the next blog on how to handle things when they come back after cutting them off?
Thank you so much. I have watched hundreds of your videos and they have helped me tremendously!
hi shannon thank you for the kind words. i'm not sure about the follow up to this one. i'm sorry i don't know where it is.
Answer: You LEAVE!
Fully agree here. I did the opposite and results were exactly as he said.. 7mo. Since I discovered my wife's affair now. I wish I would have seen this video back then. I am now at the point he recommends, but only because now I am done with her antics and the relationship. Total loss of respect for her given her actions. If i would have approached it as he states here things probably would have resulted in a different outcome.
Extremely unfortunate for our children.
Hello Samuel I love all your videos and I am thankful for Affair recovery. My husband and I went to an EMS weekend I definitely did not get that out of the weekend, I kind of felt we were on the back burner at the EMS weekend. Our therapist did not really say much to us during our private session (and turns out my husband still lied about details of his affair that I eventually pieced together). We were not set up on any plan maybe you're just suggesting it and maybe they don't do that at the EMS weekend but I kind of feel he was not held accountable for any type of recovery work, for example like what you said in the video setup on a plan for after the EMS weekend. Ever since we left we've been living a nightmare in hell he has not picked up one book won't watch your videos, didn't get on any of the calls after EMS. Basically got off scot-free because I will be honest I'm still a mess and in the shock stage even though it has been over a year since I found out. Answer me this: what I am going through with him now that he won't do any recovery work that is not healing right? I'm not crazy for thinking that we are not healing right? I cannot bring up the affair and most times if I do go on a rant or something he sits there and stares off into space usually will not respond or a lot of times his response is "I don't know why we're dragging this out". What he is referring to dragging out I do not know whether it's the affair or us and our marriage.
Ni Nicole, I'm glad you're here but sad to hear of where you are currently. I hate that you felt that you were on the back burner and assure you that's not our method or intent at all. The weekend is designed to give you a plan but we unfortunately can't force everyone to follow what we teach after they leave. I wish we could. The Beyond EMS calls are meant to be the accountability aspect but if your spouse didn't get on those calls then he didn't have accountability. I would suggest you look into Harboring Hope. One of the testimonial videos states that she was able to recover and heal no matter what her husband chose to do. That's what I want for you. I suggest you set some boundaries for your mate as well. If he isn't doing recovery work then no, you're not healing. The EMS Weekend is a starting point, it's not the end. If you guys didn't do any other work after leaving then I suspect you're still right where you were. "If you can't accept where you're at, you'll never get to where you want to be" Review this article: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate
I'm having a similar issue. But haven't done end if he's acting like now no point in wasting money right? Not to be nosey but are things better? Im so confused
this was fantastic!
That was great advice.
We went through this affair pain for 2.5 months and I just found out today that my wife is still continuing the affair at her work place. We had done so much repair work, it looked like we would be better in another 2 months, we almost moved past so Many painful moments and I had to discover it today.
Why, why, she looked so good to me and tried showing care like she stopped everything and wanted to love me back. I just recovered from depression, partially from PTSD. Will I go through these again? I'm so scared to wake up tomorrow.
i'm not sure my friend. it would be wise to see a professional asap for self care and coping. however, i would believe you'll be in a better place than you were before due to the work you've already done. you've been here before and made it through...you can make it again. i know it feels horrible, but if you survived the first time, you can survive again. take care of you and take care of your own pain and hurt. you're worth the struggle and pain to heal my friend. this isn't the rest or the extent of your life.
@@samshealingpodcast thanks so much for ur message Sam, means a lot. I did so much recovery work, writing an entire book of our love story for so many years even during my PTSD times. I planned a secret romantic vacation which we planned to leave next Sunday. I struggled so much to book hotel rooms, with so many triggers.
But while I'll was Abt to break these 2 surprises, I saw her with him again.
Sam, in India I'm yet to find a pro-marriage therapist. Most of them r like, do what ur heart says types.. I want someone who is pro-marriage
I love you man!
What is an EMS weekend? and are there any in New York? I am on second disclosure. The first disclosure came verbally. Today he disclosed on a PM on Facebook. The blaming of me was horrendous. He has been having the affair for about 1 1/2 years. He told me today the marriage was over anyway, so why not be happy and pursue another person. We had a terrible argument. I told him that we better grow up and become adult and get some infidelity help. Don't know how that will work. He has me isolated in the home, so no money and we have an adult autistic son, too. Ya more issues than the infidelity. I love your videos. They are the only thing keeping me sane.
our ems weekends are here in austin and here is the link: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend they are pricey so there is an online version you can find here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-online AND we do have scholarships you can apply for here: www.affairrecovery.com/scholarship-application-request
Hi Samuel. What strategy do you suggest if Once the lightbulb comes on. You mentioned that’s a whole another video it’s self. Do you have a video on strategy?
Regarding the boundaries part: what do I do if the reason my wife had the affair in the first place was because I neglected to give her the attention she needed?
Good video.
When mine tried to blame me for his affair, I told him if he was so unhappy then he knew where the door was and he should use it. Which of course he then countered with 'you don't get to tell me what to do'.
My response was to be absolutely cold to him and while I did my duty, I would cook his dinner and shout him and when he complained about it, I then simply said:- 'I have done my duty, your dinner is there, you eat it or you don't, but I don't give a sh!t' . When they want to get intimate, just lay there stiff and do not respond, let them get on with it but don't encourage them at all, separate yourself from your body.
Getting rid of him was the best thing I did for myself and our son.
what if the Unfaithful partner won't really admit to any wrongdoing but there's lots of obvious evidence to the contrary. but at times you can speak to them in real terms about them basically doing such without them in ejecting that's like the only way that they will admit it
it will probably take a lie detector, private investigator, or alternatively a willingness to believe them and move on. it's difficult I know. often times, it takes iron clad proof of their wrong doing before they will admit to it.
my guy wants me to allow him to cheat and give him time to get over it. he leaves in my house and wont leave... I'm tired of it all koz he won't stop
@@miaperez7964 i would consult an attorney Mia and get legal advice asap. you don't have to stand for that.
My spouse broke the news of his being unfaithful when I was 8 months pregnant. We have two other kids already. I got too devasted tried to get people to talk to him which he always rejected and avoided. He’s not asked for divorce bt he’s reached an extent of going to live with his mistress in another country. It’s been a month now since he broke the news. It’s so devastating. He seems like a wall, he can’t b talked to nt even by his mother. He doesn’t even put on our wedding ring anymore 😥😥😥.
How are you doing now hun? I’m in a similar situation only he told me he had ended it but just found out he has been living with her...
Though doesn’t want to call us seperated...
How are you coping with your children? We have one child. I’m finding it incredibly hard knowing I will always need to face him...
be nice if you could just stop loving some one rite?
Hope your okay just thought I would reach out ✌🏼 x @sylviaSiza
My wife of 10 years 17 in a relationship 3 kids and she wants to go meet her AP in London to be with the one she feels truly happy with.
As hard as it is- dont stay in the dark hole too long.
Come out from time to time
Be there for the kids
Pray
What do you nake of my wife saying, "I want to end it, but i want to do it as gently as possible?" "Because he's a person with feelings too." She's tried cold turkey 6 times. Doesn't work. She thinks now the "fade" away slowly is gonna work. I say who cares about his feelings?
This is my position at this very moment....
Thanks for the video . My wife of 8 years confessed her infidelity to me and I’m broken and lost . We have 3 small children . This video really helped me.
Where is the strategy discussion mentioned at 6:00? Your videos are great but I need the next steps.
Let's save some time. If they refuse to cut it off with the other person, it's over. Either they intend to eventually choose the other person over you or they're trying to have their cake and eat it too by trying to keep both.
my husband can't speak enough English for the ems weekend... :(
My unfaithful hubby will not going to see any expert as he keep on denying his affair.
Same
What if they have moved out but you as the betrayed spouse still have to depend on them financially until you get on your feet... but they may use that as a reason to still control you so you do have to respond to their calls & text in order to meet your needs?
hi sarah, i would find a divorce attorney asap, or look for free legal advice for those who are in your position. perhaps a friend knows someone too. i would get serious to find help and advice legally. then, i would focus also on your own healing. this course will help: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope there's also a scholarship for you to apply for: www.affairrecovery.com/scholarship-application-request
My partner went out of 16yrs life together and secretly married a girl ...
I came to know about it .
We are in on and off arguments about his actions.
He says it's all finish but how can I trust him what is he is saying its true...can I trust him and give him a chance to work together
my problem is , i dont know how far they went. seems like was only a emotional affair, but i have no way of knowing. not only that her partner is her boss at one of her jobs. she refuses to cut contact, has lied and chose a differant form of communication. hiding that she spoke to him. ive sent her many of your videos and while she agrees with alot she refuses to cut contact and give him up because hes now her BFF. i have done most of what this video says to do, i can see she wants to fix things, but i cant move forward while shes still in contact with him. i feel so stuck in a loop. she wants me to work on her and i then deal with him later, and i refuse to do that. am i wrong? it feels wrong to do it that way, because HE is my issue.
So true..
Thank you!
What is there is no EMS week where I am......
What I should do when my spouse don't stop the affair but stay in the marriage?
If he won't make a choice, then you may have to. If he insists on having his cake and eating it too, and you don't want to share, then you may have to force his hand through a divorce.
Well my husband refusing to leave the affair but neither want to leave my house. We are sleeping separately but he refuse to go, and is making me crazy, I know he is still with his affair partner and I have to see him come home late or not to come at all some nights. I don't know what to do.
have you considered filing for divorce or trying a legal separation depending on your state and laws? you have a choice and you don't have to just sit back and take it. you can establish boundaries and take care of yourself.
About repeat cheater & with children involved? Save or let her go?
What do you do if they have filed for divorce? To go be with the affair partner. Is it time to let them go and just try and get along for the kids?
it would appear the best thing you can do is start to heal and be the best parent you can be to the kids. it's sad and it's not what you want, but necessary. for the kids, i would do the best you can to coparent and be kind, while you protect yourself emotionally and legally.
I'm on the Same boat, different seas.
It's a version of hell alright.
What if they refuse to ger help
What about they said they ended the affair, but I've found out they were still communicating. I confronted him he said they're just friends now.
it's time for expert help to get involved and step in. is the unfaithful spouse open to getting help? to me, it seems like it's time to have a bit of an intervention and bring in expert help.
Mine did too😂
I told him i needed a “friend” too
He did not like that
The exact thing has happened to me. Over a 2 year period they have been caught 5 times. I recently discovered she had another phone and they are still talking. She claims they are just friends. Total BS
No he refused to go to any kind of counseling. Now we're sleeping in separate bedroom. I have to do that for my own well being.
@@christyjohnson5618 that's a good one you needed a friend too.
How if any, does this type of thing work with sex addiction? I'm confused on whether we need marital help or addiction help.
hi there. whomever is the unfaithful addict absolutely needs addiction help. what is that party doing? i can help make some suggestions for you if you'll share a bit more about your story.
@@samshealingpodcast oh certainly it all kinda worsened around the same time. My unfaithful was an alcoholic & started messaging his ex's on FB while drinking & doing drugs. Now that I look back I recognize the signs of his sex addiction increased as the substance abuse did. He said because he wanted to quit drinking which is why he even began. In 2yrs I've researched & "discovered" so much that all 3 are intertwined I'm lost. Seems he's an addict of anything. Slowly yet too much for me to handle he's increasing the levels intensity. From porn, to dating website, DVD, homemade sex toys, VR headsets, video recording apps, secret Sim cards on his phone, rolled his truck listening to ASMR, not sleeping and once again last week he reached out to another ex girlfriend all while completely high on methamphetamines. Says he sees a problem but hasn't done anything to change it. I ask because we're not financially stable at all. I've wasted $ on 2 marital therapy sessions and he couldn't afford to pay the next. Honestly in lieu of the recent events & the fact that it's going on 3 yrs, I'm tired and I think I'm done. 3yrs is a long "discovery day". He kicked me out 6months ago but still says he wants us to work. I believe the drugs are messing him up cuz he actions do not match his words. Now I'm going to need therapy that I can't afford. Especially if we get a divorce. He's gaslighted me so much for so long idk what to do. Plus my trauma doesn't allow me to think, react or speak logically so I don't know what to do from here. Sorry it's so long
What is an EMS weekend? Where is it and what does it cost?
it's our three day weekend intensive which you can find here on our site: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend
Hmmm...Yea it's over
My wife still keeps intouch with that person. Everything I figure out the clock resets. Everything I ask her she claims no and that she blocked him. I know it is not true but now I even know she called him and who knows what app she uses to call each other. I am now considering drawing papers because she thinks it is ok she still keep him around is ok as long as I don't know and we are good. If u desiring someone else then I am not the one to be around.
If your spouse isn't ending the affair, does it make sense to contact the affair partner about the affair?
No. I answered the phone to the affair partner once and told her that my husband had a ten month old baby and asked her to back off. She just said that the problem was me and not her. Yeah, she got him, but she was soon back on the 'phone asking e to take him back. The answer:- 'You wanted him, you got him. He's yours to keep, because I am not some consolation prize for him'
If I asked you how y'all met and how long y'all dated before you asked her to marry you, what would you say? My story is crazy! Not making any excuses for my affair, but our story is not average.
So what did you do?
What does EMS stand for?
emergency marriage seminar
Samual, my partner is willing to do the work to see if our relationship is worth saving, but he continues to connect with his AP. He says he’s ambivalent. He refuses to talk about her and the affair. We have agreed to only talk about it with our Gottman based counsellor. And he hasn’t told her we are trying to work it out, so he’s lying to her too. He has said to me he can’t tell me the truth because of how I react. Am I being impatient with him and the process? What should I do? Should I stay the course? Put up boundaries or an ultimatum even though he is willing to do the work? I’m so lost and feel stuck : (
it's a tough one. i would ask him to do the ems weekend virtually with you in June....i would use that as a defining moment to get him to understand that it's vital you both get expert help, without deciding anything. if however, you want to enforce a boundary that if he's talking to the ap, you're not going to be talking to him, that's fine too. if he gets to do what he wants and there are no consequences, then i'm not sure he will stop doing what he wants to do when he wants to do it. it's vital that you stand up for yourself while creating space for him to show his true colors. no knock to the therapists, but it appears to me you need more of an intensive that's heavier on the time being spent discussing ambivalence and how to move forward. you can be ambivalent, yet still do great work addressing your recovery, his recovery and the potential recovery of the marriage.
Ahhh, Samuel, what should i do? I had an affair, and now, my wife have her own affair, his affair partner come back and she refuses to pull back him because of her feeling insecure with me, im really doing my best, if i try the ahh, go with him if you want, im pushing her away in my own affair, but chasing her is only going to continue her own
Y told her, okay, we just try and see i could provide you what you need, but, i dont want the worst case scenario and she not leaving him
Honestly, its fubar?
Thaks for everything, and sorry if my english is not good enough :"v
im so sorry. will she get help? will she do any recovery work?
How painful
Married 19 years wife had affair for 6 years with a married man and still talks to him ... should I tell his wife because she doesn't know about it like i do. I kicked her out but yet I still chase her around. I need to stop and just live my life . Any tips on the matter. Or should I just let karma run its course 😏 🤔
I was in same situation. While I wanted to tell the other man’s wife I ruled against it. I did not want to be the person to bring hurt to her even though she was probably hurting in her marriage anyways. Sorry for what you going through. I know the pain especially finding out how it was going on. I hope you can move onto a fruitful life.
I'm dealing with the same situation right now. How did it work out for you?
Yes, tell her. Just like you, she should know what her partner is doing to their marriage and yours. She deserves to be able to make decisions about her marriage with ALL the information. And yes, she might force him to drop the affair, which might be the only way it ends since it seems like nothing you're doing is working.
Also, he should be suffering some consequences for what he did to your marriage.
Would you prefer not to know? How would you feel if you're making plans based on having a faithful spouse only to find out later that it was all a lie?
And I wouldn't recommend you keep going after your wife. It only reinforces the idea that you're "plan B" and she can do what she wants because you'll always be there. Act like there is no marriage - stop communicating with her. Let her know that you will not be her safety net, her second choice, if things fall through with that guy.
Is a EMS weekend every weekend and where?
hi there. they are once a month and located in austin. here is the link to the weekend: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend there is also a schedule of dates down the page. we do have lots of cancellations and movement so if you're considering coming, i would sign up asap and we'll keep you updated on any cancellations to february or march. actually, march is now open.
Hi Samuel, i loved the video... What if he still stays with us without meeting her but only talks to her on phone... How can i deal with the situation? I heard so many lies amd truths mixed up that i cant tell which was the truth or lie... He says he can end it but hasnt and doesnt know when... I ask questions and i feel me seeking answers has built little bit of a wall. How can i save marriage? Please help. I really appreciate it.. Thanks
if he won't end it, or won't stop talking to her the ap on the phone, there is a problem. it appears he's just keeping you at bay so he can do what he wants without consequences. you may try and use these two resources to then draw boundaries and enforce them to protect yourself: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change if he won't commit to getting expert help, there is a problem and if something doesn't change, he probably won't stop doing what he wants.
@@samshealingpodcast hi again! I have tired to save my marriage. Its nearly 4 months since i found out about the affair 6 months i was unknown to it. I have tried to get him to end it but have been unsuccessful. He jas told me its up to me if i want to stay with him or not. Of i argue too mich he'll move out. I suggested to get marriage councilling but he doesn't agree to it, says he knows what he wants. To live his life. I dont know what to do. Is there any other way to speak with u in detail. Thanks