Grieving starts when you know you're going to lose them. You don't want them to be in pain, and it's a relief when they go, but then, after a little while, you want them back. I'm so sorry about you're sister she was so young.
It starts so quickly; life altering. I wonder if there are anticipatory grief support groups? I’m sure there are and I should have looked for one xxxxxx
Our daughter, Claire, died very unexpectedly (from a pulmonary embolism) at age 23 when everything she had been working for was coming into bloom. I can so relate when you talk about the anger and jealousy. That was huge for me. Also, the mundane tasks of everyday living (grocery shopping, laundry, bathing, etc.) just felt surreal and pointless (i.e. 'my daughter is dead and I'm out shopping for chicken stock.') It felt like such a disconnect from what was really important to me--which was holding onto her memory in any way that I could. I went on anti-depressants which helped tremendously, in the early stages, but I also didn't care for the side effects. It has been 10 years and I will process this loss for the rest of my life but I have learned to really savor life and cherish all of the big and small moments, to laugh and to try to live with purpose and with no regrets. It's what our daughter would have wanted. What helped me was the mantra "if I had died would I want Claire to have stopped enjoying life and laughter and investing in the future?" The answer is a resounding "NO." That thought has gotten me through many dark moments when I questioned my own right to happiness or felt guilt about laughing and living...
@@TheDogPooPro it’s the worst feeling: I wanted to save Naomi so much. I know how you feel, she was like a twin to me. Enjoy all the time you have, leave no regrets and I know you’ll leave nothing unsaid. Just be there fully now and the future will be learning to love her in new ways but I can promise she won’t go. I have signs from Naomi all the time. We also chose words and symbols to know she’s there and it’s a comfort when I see them. Sending love to you both xxxx
@SJ_Strum thank you x My subscribers told me about you and Naomi 💔, and I have watched.....when my heart allows. It's all consuming isn't it? Sooz & I have chosen some words....she can be delirious at times....I hope she doesn't forget them x I can see your love for her is as great as mine is for Sooz. I honestly think I'll die on that day though....I can't see how my heart won't stop 😭💔 I wish that I could swap places 🥺
@@TheDogPooPro yes I tried to watch yours too but I was in the hospice and it was a lot. Remember what will her comfort is that it isn’t you. I was devastated as Naomi was so sorry she was dying and apologetic to me at times - she hated the idea of me losing her. I’m only 6 months in; I’ve had the terror and now the tears come but I’m slowly reconnecting our relationship in a new way as her person earth side. It’s not a nice comfort - but I’ll say it to you as you’ll get it - I now know I’ll never be afraid of passing as I’ll be with her again. So I live more fully - until we meet again. It’s a mind f right now: agony and desperation- but when the time neared we truly loved our days and laughed so much and loved so much. Xxxxxxxxxc
My heart goes out to anyone in the grieving process. It’s so so hard. For me personally, anticipatory grief was the hardest. I found the fear of the unknown crippling. If anyone is reading this and in that place now, please know it does get better/easier.
I agree in a lot of ways; the tears I shed the last few years are immense. I’d not heard the term so really happy we can let people know it’s a part of it. Sending love x
Yes. Those tears of grief …..I went to the optician as my eyes were so sore and I had blocked ducts etc etc. I explained I was grieving and i thought it was related to the tears …..the lady looked at me like i was mad. But I wasn’t …..the tears of grief are horrific . And the grief fog. 😢 Everyone used to say to me the first year is the worst. And In a way it is….all the firsts. But actually for me, year 2 was the hardest. All the firsts are done, people expect you to be “better” and it’s longer and longer since we saw them….. But I am 3 and a half years in and it DOES get better. We learn to live alongside grief. I always think grief is like your soul just shatters wide open, and slowly a cobweb forms over the gaping hole. Some days it holds firm, and others it blows around and exposes the hole…..but gradually it gets stronger and stronger. It’ll always be there tho. For anyone going through this….hang in there. Talk, be out in nature and find your people. And above all….remember grief is love with nowhere to go. We grieve because we loved. And how lucky we are to have loved so hard xxxxxxx ❤
Wow that's amazing the optician didn't learn from that - hopefully she did as passed it on to others. I'm was so shocked I had to literally stop myself crying as it was so painful, my eyes have been so sore and puffy, they are gradually turning back to normal. I've heard a lot of people say year 2 is the hardest, I'm so lucky to have you all here and know I can talk about it anytime and reach people who are feeling the same xxx
Many moons ago, I used to be a funeral director and I love the advice you gave. My number one tip for planning a funeral would be to ask those questions that feel awkward or silly. "Do you mind if I bring this to the service?" "Can we make xyz happen?" Or call and ask "do you mind if I come sit with the deceased for a bit longer one last time?" Funeral directors number one priority is to help you navigate the days following a loss and make those ugly days as beautiful as possible. They truly are an overlooked resource!
Definitely! I really wanted a gospel choir and she got us one and they were so so incredible. It was like a west end show for Naomi and so special - nothing seemed too difficult for her. Such an amazing profession x
SJ I lost my Mum 20 years ago. I was in my mid 20's. The grief was unimaginable. I can't tell you how helpful your video is to those of us who are going through it or have been through it. Just hearing someone else articulate it like you have, somehow validates my own grief at the time. I felt like I was the only one experiencing these overwhelming feelings. I felt like I was losing my mind. Thank you so so much for opening up and sharing. You have helped me so much, even after all these years x
Oh I’m so so happy to hear that; how amazing over 20 years. It’s sad this is what unites us but I know this grief will feel raw for many decades and I’m so grateful you watched and helped me validate my feelings too xxx
I lost my brother suddenly in January which has turned life upside down. It resonated with me what you were saying about how hard to imagine a future time, feeling this way about Christmas and not wanting it to happen. Sibling loss is not as easy to connect with others about so if you ever want to talk or connect and consider doing something which may help others would love to chat. Sending ❤
I lost my dad when I was 18 and my mom two years ago when I was 30. They both died of cancer. Even though I know there are people out there who have lost their parents when they were younger I still feel so alone. Even though it's been awhile the pain of loss never leaves you. All that happened to me is that I have learned that nothing will change the past and I can only accept what has happened. I'm so sorry for your loss and I really do feel for your pain. I'm sorry you lost your sister when she was so young. I wish you all the best in life ❤.
It’s such a huge loss that not many people have experienced; it doesn’t matter your age - I really believe that - even people who never met their birth parents grieve their losses hard. It’s a cruel disease, a cruel thing you’ve had to bare. Sending so much love and I’m so happy you messaged and watched xxx
Lots of love to you ❤ My mum died suddenly of a heart attack 2 years ago. It was a huge shock- I felt so much of what you’ve talked about. I deeply miss her but I’ve learnt to live a happy life with my grief xx
This is such a helpful and informative video. My father died 11 months ago, shortly after a cancer diagnosis. We were incredibly close and I very much relate to what you describe. The first several months felt like i was drowning and just when I felt like I found my footing again the intense grief and loop of thoughts about everything that happened would start again. The GP suggested that I start an anti depressant and said it would smooth out the edges, making the extreme lows more manageable. The grief fog is real, I still struggle to make plans and find it difficult to look too far ahead. This time of year brings it all back and I feel like I have one foot stuck in 2022 and one in the present day. I try to honour my dad by being proactive and learning to enjoy my life like I did before. You took excellent care of Naomi, your bond is beautiful and you both continue to help many people. Sending love. Xx
I’m so interested to hear you had the antidepressants too; it’s so true about the extreme lows. I wonder if we’ll always have one foot in the world where they were and then putting one foot forward … sending so much love x
@@SJ_Strum Thank you. I have never taken any medication for mental health before and my go to methods for coping with any stress in life is exercise and other holistic methods. My GP lost her mother to cancer in a short space of time and said she needed to take an anti depressant after a while as she found it difficult to cope. I will very much will try anything that may help but its early days. Xx
Thank you for sharing your story. Sending you lots of love & hugs. With grief so intense, it's almost impossible to totally escape without some kind of intervention. My GP was extremely helpful to my situation. ❤
Oh SJ. Sending all the love. I’ve lost both my parents, which of course was soul crushing, but when I lost my brother suddenly in 2021 it was truly the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Losing a sibling, our first and forever best friend, is very tough. I am almost 2 years out and go in and out of grief all the time. I like you lean into it, I allow myself to feel all the feels and don’t push it away. I’m proud of you and how you are coping and I know your sister is with you in spirit. xx
It’s a comfort to hear even though it’s so tragic; a sibling loss is like that movie Inside Out when a lot of core memories become sad. But I’m slowly getting to joy in them again - sending love and I appreciate you sharing this with me so so much x
Gosh, I cannot imagine what you have been through. Losing a sibling is unimaginable… it feels like a crime against nature. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know so many people will find this video an incredible source of comfort and hope xx
I’ve been following you since my pregnancy in 2020 even knowing we aren’t planning on having more to name, I remained here. You posted this shortly after my dad passed today. I was scrolling TH-cam trying to calm down a bit..I see this video as a sign of Gods comfort and I greatly appreciate it. God Bless you and comfort you on your grief journey.
I'm so so sorry for your loss - I'm so pleased you found this just when you needed it. How awful grief is what is uniting us again when we met through such happy baby times. Sending so much love xxxxxxxxx
Sometimes you just see the right thing at the right time. 3 months since i lost my dad but him having been ill for over 6yrs and we nearly lost him several times over that period too. That living on a knife-edge was exhausting and upsetting. Lockdown helped me do what you said about distancing myself from the worry of it all surprisingly. Whilst everyone was missing loved ones i felt relief to have a break from it. The point you make about seeing older people alive instead of your sister hit home too. My good friend has a brain tumour and it's really like we lost the person she was quickly so the grief was immediate but she's still here. I felt so much confusion that she was so ill and yet my dad kept surviving. I gave into antidepressants a few years back but was weaning off them just before my dad died. I've kept on the small dose and as i can never see the GP I'll likely be on them for a while yet. Some days are fine but most days am still on that knife-edge as it's hard to change how you've felt for so long.
Thank you so much for this, I lost my mum in April and felt so many of those things you said. So hard to put into words and to not feel so alone ❤ I'm trying to, because they would want us to
I want to send so much love and light to you. You’re a beautiful soul, SJ. What you are going through is so difficult and no one deserves to feel this pain. There is a time for you in the future when you will be back on the beach eating ice lollies with your family with your kids running around happy, loudly playing with each other. Your toes may still be in the water, but you will get back on that beach. If it is right for you, keep talking about your beautiful sister. We will be here to listen about the wonderful life she created and your all of the times you shared together. ❤
I'm 2 months into delivering my stillborn baby boy. As awful of a club as this is to belong to it was so nice to hear someone describe their grief journey. I'm improving but today is a hard one and this video helped. I'm so sorry SJ, it really is unfair and so painful. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your love for you sister with us 🩷🩷
I'm currently in the anticipatory grief stage and every single day i find myself feeling so panicked about losing them and not knowing when im going to lose them (even to the point of putting my hand on their chest when theyre sleeping just to check that they're still breathing because they go into such deep sleeps that im terrified theyll never wake up from). Im so scared to lose them and have no idea when i will but know it will be relatively soon, and i think the uncertainty makes me even more panicked :/ it also makes me really sad that im spending this precious time being worried when im around them rather than enjoying their company, but i cant seem to put it all out of my mind :((( i just want to thank you for talking through your journey, giving some genuine advice and making me feel less alone xx
You are not at all alone - and while the path won’t become clear you will walk it and just know how much your deep care and love will be making the world of difference. To both of you xxxx
I really enjoyed this perspective on everything -- I have always felt like if I am upset/in grief, if I stay busy I feel better, which can lead to burn out. It is helpful to see other peoples' perspectives and coping. I hope you always realize how strong you are
Oh wow, everything you said is exactly what I felt. The anger at random (innocent) strangers. The feeling of being out at sea. The acid tears -totally real. Sertraline keeps me level, but sometimes wish I could cry again. You're amazing, thank you for being so raw and honest x
Dear SJ, firstly, my deepest condolences. You are an extraordinary human being and this video is going to help so many people, whichever stage of grieving they are currently experiencing. In following the story of you and your beautiful sister Naomi these past many months, I have been struck by your maturity, and the deep wells of empathy and love you've expressed. And you articulate those in such a relatable way. I am in my mid-70s, Grandma of nine, and have been bereaved of both parents, and two brothers. Losing my father hit me the hardest, I felt severe physical pain - grief actually hurts! He died thirty years ago, and still I think of him - with love - every day. SJ, please keep taking care of yourself, I know it's not been easy for you, and that things are still quite raw. Sending love and greetings from Australia.
Thanks so much for such a supportive message Chrissie, it's so lovely to connect across the sea and yes the physical pain of grief is intense. In the hospice I was hobbling up and down the halls as my body felt broken. Sending so much love, grief often doesn't get spoken about and I hope this reaches so many people like us just to know the feelings are normal and to accept them xxxx
@@SJ_Strum thank you, SJ. "... my body felt broken". Yes! You capture the essence, in those few words. Your sister was so blessed to have you alongside her for each step of the journey. Such a precious bond. C.
Im a new viewer to your channel but saw what was going on with your sister and I am so sorry for your loss. When my little brother died at 29 I had no time to grieve, I was living 1400 miles from my family and my parents found him dead on the ground in their home (he had OD'd) I had to fly there immediately, get dressed up and beg multiple funeral homes to give him a funeral my parents could afford (he had no insurance), and sleep on the floor in their tiny apartment on a blow up mattress next to the blood stain he left behind because they forced my mom to clean it up by hand after the emt's left and finally go home all in 3 days. When I got home to my husband and 5 kids I cried that night from the stress and sadness of knowing i'll never see him again, its never easy to loose a love one especially when it wasnt their time.
You are not alone. I can imagine that was just torture emotionally and physically - you showed up and did what so many people would consider a worst nightmare and you managed in the face of tragedy to face it. I admire that so much; sending so so much love and empathy x
Hello SJ, I lost my sister, Chloe, on 31st August this year, she was 48. It's weirdly comforting to hear you talk about your experience with grief, ours was sudden as Chloe had a stroke and then spent 3 weeks in the ICU. No getting round it, it's just really, really sh*t. You have such a special and magical bond with your sister, Naomi, as we did with Chloe and that comes across in all your videos. One of the things that I've found comforting is that our sisters knew how loved they were and that will always be the case even though they are physically not here anymore. Their spirits live on and we will live for them. Sending lots of love to you and your family xx
I can't believe it's been 5 months. She's so missed. You're such a wonderful person, to be trying to help others when you're going through this horror is flooring. You're amazing ❤
Thank you for making this video. I'm in my mid-twenties, lost my Mum to cancer 2 years ago, and I played a very similar role in my mother's life/death to who it sounds like you were for your beautiful sister . The acid-feeling tears, grief fog, living mentally back in that room, trying day after day... It still feels so fresh. So thank you for sharing that you are coping. It means so much.
Hey lovely. I started following you when I heard about your sisters situation as I was going through the same thing with my sister. But guess what? I’m watching you right at this moment 8am New Zealand time on our local morning breakfast show live from Surrey it says on the telly being interviewed about baby names. So cool seeing someone I follow being on the telly. 2 years down from losing my sister and I’m still not really coping some days. Xxx❤️
You literally make me feel like what I went through was normal And is normal .. still to this day it’s still a struggle . I’m 5 years in after loosing my dad to cancer aged 56 I feel the extreme fatigue and also what you said about feeling angry when you see other people and I would be like “ how come they are still alive and my dad isn’t !!! I not suffer with anxiety and panic attacks which never had before this .. had therapy twice and now waiting for MORE therapy due to PTSD. You’re so inspirational and are so strong ….. sending you lots of love xxxxxxx
It’s so helpful to hear to me too that my experiences are “normal” - it’s a daily challenge and I know in five years it still will be. So so sad to look to the future without our loved ones x
This is such an important conversation. I’ve never lost a sibling, but have lost friends who were even closer to me than family, and I relate hugely to so much of what you’re feeling. This seems like an odd thing to say, but your sister was the same age as me, and I’m absolutely in awe of how the both of you navigate(d) this whole process. Sending you so much love and strength
It’s not odd at all; it’s just so unspoken it feels maddening at times to go it alone and not understand or articulate how it feels. I know naomi was so special to me and she was a talker, a helper and I’m so happy you watched and I’m so sorry for your losses. Friendship is so unbearable( my sisters friends are having such a hard time too so I had them in mind making this xxxxx
@@SJ_Strumit’s a strange position to be in when it’s a friendship. I was 19 when I lost one of my dearest friends, she was only 24. Then in 2019 a friend with several very small children was taken by pancreatic cancer just as she turned 35. For myself all I could do was be there for their families as much as they needed me to be. But I definitely had several occasions when I would get something close to imposter syndrome from worrying about whether I had as much “right” as a relative to be in pain. Grief does very odd things to us all xx
When my mother was first diagnosed with cancer, we had been planning a trip to Thailand wit my dad and my sister which had to be canceled because she was on a frequent chemo schedule. Now she is too ill to go. I will never be ready to lose her, but your words made me consider planning that trip with my dad and sister for after she is gone. Just considering going without her is painful, but I think it might be healing for all of us. I'm really relating so strongly to the love analogy, although i have never been in love. The movies all make it seem like it's impossible to focus on anything else, and i've never understood how one feeling can be so powerful and all consuming. I understand that now. I thank you for your video and wish you the best.
Thank you so much for your message. Yes Thailand could always be a loss connected to illness; but to walk there I’m sure you’ll find such happiness in her plans coming to life. It’s a very inexplicable time; I’m with you and hope you find the strength but also the vulnerability is so important. It’s okay to be fragile right now and I wish I’d embraced my needs more as well as falling apart is also being resilient - it’s a part of the process we shouldn’t fear x
Thank you for sharing your experience so candidly SJ. I lost my mum on 29th August and I’m really struggling. She was my anchor and just as you said I now feel lost at sea. Sometimes I think ‘oh I’ll just call mum’ then when I realise I can’t I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. I think after the funeral etc the permanence of it all really sinks in and it’s agony. I think I’ll try to find a bereavement group like you suggested. Sending love to you and your family ❤
I still go to call naomi so so often; it’s unreal. I just miss her role in my life as my guide and my closest person in terms of knowing me and unconditionally being there for me. It’s so so hard; but we are getting there - wherever there is - maybe just on the raft!
I've struggled with the passing of my mom for the past 5 years now. I lost her when I was 15, so I was very young. She passed away of stage 4 melanoma. Grief is definitely hard to work through because it hits you all the time. But know this, it will get slightly easier as time goes on and you'll start to just remember the good happy times with your sister. Keep her memory alive. I send my love and support to you and your family. Stay strong!!
It is totally and completely unfair that your beautiful, funny, big hearted sister is not going to see old age. You are valid for feeling anger when you see others who have been gifted that opportunity. Thank you for sharing her with us. I genuinely loved listening to you two ham it up on the podcast. It will always hurt. But you will feel stronger in time. Sending you so much love ❤
It’s been nearly 7 years since I lost my sister everything you have said massively resonated with me I miss her everyday but the emotions aren’t as intense I know it’s a cliche but time is a great healer you will definitely not be feeling as bad as you are in a years time I can guarantee that ❤️❤️
I needed to hear that - thank you ❤ xxxxxxxxxxxxx so so sorry we met this way; it’s a special thing a sister and I keep remembering how lucky I am to have mine x
You are so strong. I often think of you and your sister when I look at the developing relationship of my two young girls because of a video you put years ago now at the start of the pandemic. You talked about how your sister has been your Person throughout your life and I appreciate how openly you've shared about everything. I'm sure you're helping so many people with sharing her on your channel and your experience going through all this ❤
Yes!!! Omg that video, I felt so scared of losing naomi at that time. There’s a weird coincidence of that time, she got really sick and felt such pain and I sent her a pregnancy pillow and hot pads and she got through it. One doctor said maybe that was her first sign of bowel cancer - very tough to imagine as it was high covid and she didn’t go to a doctor. I made that video during that time. A lot to unpack but ultimately maybe it wasn’t and I know she knew I was with her xxxx
SJ, what a helpful video. I listened to the end finding it so familiar. My hubby passed away aged 32 when I had a 3 year old and 3 month old, the brain fog and exhaustion was like nothing I ever experienced. I remember the desperate feeling of wanting to run away but covid had hit and I couldn't go anywhere. I used to hide in my shed! I'm 4 years in and while the pain doesn't go away, it is much less intense and overwhelming. Your sister just seemed so brave and wonderful. It's so unfair, but you are doing so well. xx
That sounds like you did the most incredible feat - I can imagine you couldn’t comprehend this was even reality. I’m sending so so much love and am cheering you on as you truly are amazing. Shed and all ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
SJ you’re an amazing person 🖤 You’re so honest and brave putting all this out there, and I’m sure helping so many people through their hard times or preparing them for if it happens. Naomi is SO right there with you, that’s when she’s not sunning it up on a white sandy beach with a cocktail in hand, receiving a massage from a topless man 😁 Lots of love x
So kind and selfless of you to share your experience to help others. You seem incredibly strong and you’ve done such an admirable job of supporting your sister and now helping others. Such a kind and generous soul. X
Also love that you mentioned this issue with talk therapy. It really annoys me that no one discusses more helpful alternatives for trauma - there are some amazing trauma processing therapies nowadays like Somatic Experiencing in case people don't know.
You extremely slowly adapt to the pain, it never goes (in my experience) but in a year you will feel more adapted. You’re doing amazingly well, really appreciate all this content. Naomi is with you every step. 💕💕
I noticed you said that you hope you don't feel this way in a year… you've been through so much SJ. Grief isn't linear and some days you'll feel like the old you, and other days you'll be in the dark abyss again. Things will never be ‘normal’ again, but you can create a new normal for yourself and you can be happy again. It's ok if one day you're loving life, laughing and smiling, and the next crying so much it hurts. Grief is the price we pay when we love someone dearly. But as the saying goes, it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Create a safe place in your mind, somewhere lovely with no people or things that bring you stress, and keep going to that place when you need to. Try to schedule 10-15 minutes a day where you can sit in peace and go to your safe place. You're so strong and you will navigate this at your own pace. ❤
Great video SJ, it will help everyone who watches it at some point in their life. Amazing story about the funeral director and the festival! Sounds like you did an amazing job with the funeral. I never thought of a funeral director like a film director before but that makes so much sense.
Thank you for sharing these difficult parts of your life- these videos about your sister and the older videos of your kid’s speech issues are all helping me deal with similar situations currently happening in my life too
This is such an important and beautifully done video. Thank you for making this, especially when it involves such a profound loss you've had. I'm so sorry that you are having to grieve your sister. So many prayers sending in the way of all of you❤
I miss my dad every day. Hed passed in 2016 and I still can't believe he is gone. I wish I could have one more talk and Coffee with him, but I know he knows how much I love him. I was there at the beginning of his Cancer journey and was there at the end with him. I know I will see him again one day. 😇❤💔 I think when you have that kind of love for someone the ache never goes away. You do the things you have to do to carry on for you and your family, but life is never the same. I can honestly say that it feels like my dad just passed, and I can't believe that much time has gone by. My mom and I are best friends, and she feels the same way. I hate when people say, " how long did it take you to get over it"? Get over it? I will never be over it. Or they say, " You should be able to move on by now". Um no. You do the best you can. Everyone is different. You just hope that you can at least live and not want to crawl in a hole and die. Thanks for making this video. Naomi would be proud of you. ❤ I have to go for a Colonoscopy next week and thought about putting it off and I said nope I'm going for your sister in the hopes if something is there it will be treatable. I will think of her smiling down with her beautiful smile with that bright red lipstick she wore. You both are so beautiful. Try to be strong and if the meditation helps keep doing it. Whatever it takes. Hugs.
It’s so true there’s no timeline on grief as it’s a constant feeling. With better and worse days; I’m sure your colonscopy will be fine and Naomi will be so so happy you are having it. Please let me know x
SJ... I sometimes think about you and your sister. You sound like you're coping very well even though you think you arent.Thank you for sharing this!! I literally sent it to three friends in different stages of grief. Hugs Hugs Hugs! ❤❤❤❤
Aww sweet SJ, you are strong qnd doing awesome on your grief journey. Naomie IS an awesome soul, just in a different form, living now in our hearts and looking over you and all her family with love and peace. Lots of love to you 💗
This was such a hard watch, I lost my Nan, my best friend in February. It was so sudden, so was hard hearing about the anticipation grief as I didn’t get to spend time with her and say goodbye etc. I often get stuck in the torture you described of going over why? Why did it have to happen the way it did, why so sudden, why then, why did she have to get up that night. It is torture and I can’t stop. I hadn’t seen her in 3 years cos of her going into a home, covid hitting, me having a baby etc. we were due to see her in April, we were so close to seeing her again we couldn’t wait to hug each other again and her meet my son in person. Then one night she got up for the loo - she normally wouldn’t, and she fell and hit her head so bad she had brain damage and fell into a coma and didn’t wake up. You described grief so well, it is defo like a huge fog. I feel like someone punched me in the stomach and I’m winded. My family are in Australia, so I feel like I’m grieving alone. My husband and daughters seem bored by me talking about her all the time. I talk to her all day, she is the first thing I think of and the last each day. I miss her so much. She was also my first big loss of someone so close to me. Sorry for rambling, I have no one to talk to that understands x
My baby was born sleeping in June so its different for sure but the fresh grief was exactly what you said you have to live for now not look too far ahead in the immediate aftermath i planned the funeral etc then after that i fell apart. I was surviving nothing more. A friend said to me grief is like a tunnel you cant go under it, over it, or around it you have to go through it. And each day initially you feel likeyour going deeper into the tunnel but one day you see a sliver of light and slowly you see more light im seeing more light now im now functioning ive gone beyond surviving and into functioning i dont think ill ever be the person i was before this but i hope i can go back to living eventually. I remind myself that grief is only here because love came first its different as i said as essentially im grieving for someone i never met, never knew i grieve for what should have been what im missing but you have your memories and the pain of the person not being there anymore 💔 i found trauma therapy has helped me although its been mainly around the birth im having EMDR but the main point in this is i went to support groups. Our local one is ran by SANDS and they do it in person and also link in online during baby loss awareness week i attended events being with other. People who had experienced the same type of loss helped me so much all our stories were different but we all lost a child and that was a profound connection so i would certainly advocate for support groups if you can face it. Im also looking at fundraising to give me some focus. You are stronger than you know and so brave sharing it with the world ❤
I’m so devastated to hear your baby was born sleeping, it’s the cruelest tragedy. Thank you for your wisdom on support groups, I will really try to joint one face to face as feel it will help me so much xxxx
All grief is individual. Not everyone can push through it and especially not everyday. Sit in it when you need to and if that's all you can do that day, then that's OK. I'm still in the first year of losing my grandpa and the smallest thing can make me think of him and cry. I also just went through my first birthday without him last month and it hit me the day before though I tried to keep it in due to coming home from my cousin's wedding at the time. Thankfully I took my birthday off of work, so I didn't have to push through it that day. With Thanksgiving (US), Christmas and his birthday in January coming up, I know my personal belief in God will help me find the space to grieve and not feel overwhelmed by it all somehow. I'm thankful you found something that helps you. It's a process for a reason. We constantly have to process it or end up overwhelmed by it and some days are harder than others to do so. Praying for you as we both go through our grief in our own ways together. Love and hugs.
Sending you lots of love and strength. I was fortunate enough to have my last grandparent longer than I had my father. Sadly she passed after a fourth cancer diagnosis a week after my birthday 6 years ago. You are absolutely right in that grief is an ever evolving thing that we somehow navigate. Somehow you do eventually find a “new normal” and the things that once made you unbearably sad will eventually raise a smile again Wishing you well
Love and Hugs to you too; it’s impossible to characterise a loss and who that person is to you, sometimes it’s even a stranger on the internet and it hits hard or it’s the person you’re closest to in the world. I’m so happy you have a faith; it’s so comforting. While not easy xxxxxxxxxxxx
Dearest SJ 🌹 Thank you for this video. I lost my sister almost 20yrs ago & it still hurts really bad sometimes. We were extremely close & I felt lost when she passed. Siblings grief is so poorly understood. My sister was the most healthy in our family & yet she was ill for only 3 days & passed. I remember hating on my brother's voice for years after because he was the one who had to tell me of her passing. I have less darker days because her only daughter is an amazing support to me. She was only 17 when my sister died. I honestly cannot even remember how she coped those earlier days because I was drowning in my own grief.
Oh I’m so so sorry; it’s a trauma even more when it’s so fast. There’s so much life you don’t get together; I totally understand and feel your pain. Thanks so much for sharing and it helps so much as sibling grief is one that doesn’t get talked about as much x
You may know this already but if you don't know, you could look at the Khuber-Ross stages of grief, you will understand better but they do not happen in the expected order and it may be more complex due to her being young and dying of cancer but you supported her perfectly.
May you be greatly comforted. We see your raft, we're waving, I hope you can see us from there and feel our love and sympathy. You will reach the shore of your new normal, with all your love for her intact, but able to go on peacefully xx
Amazing video SJ you will help so many, I think of your lovely Naomi so often, it is so cruel she’s gone but her love lives on through her amazing family xx
I bet it was hard to edit this video….someone told me that grief is always with you, you just grow round it like a tree grows round a wound. My grief is precious to me not crushing anyone, I see it as the price of the depth of that love. Though you might feel it’s a cliche just do simple things put one foot in front of the other and breathe, that’s enough. Xxxx
Please refrain from judgement, I have tremendous guilt. I found out that my grandmother, “Nanny”, had Dementia in January 2020. I unfortunately haven’t seen her since Feb 2020. I had a lot going on personally (leaving DV, being homeless, being abused and neglected by family…. Etc. Eventually, I started to process her loss eventually, I still don’t know whether she’s passed, and I miss her, but I coped with this grief by thinking of her before her illness. Accepting that when she pass(es/ed), she’s no longer in pain. It sounds so abandoning on my part, but I just cannot conceive of her ailed and changed the way dementia changes you. I want to remember her exactly as she was. I now try to do things that remind me of her, whether that’s eating food she used to cook me, hugging the bear she got me from when I was born, if I smell something that reminds me of her, it makes me feel happy. I’m not naive, I know the grief will hurt and be painful etc but what I’ve done so far has really hoped process her death. If I’m honest, the grief started as soon as I found out, that was my fresh grief, but her actually passing doesn’t seem quite so scary because I know she’s no longer in pain.
It’s totally totally understandable and the fact you worry about it shows how much you care. Translate your worry into love - it transcends distance and you should be proud when you think of her that it’s with so much affection and genuine feeling xxxxx
Hello SJ. Thank you for sharing this. My daughter just lost her fiancé to cancer, he was 44. My daughter is 33 and this process is so hard. I keep trying to find things to help her cope since she is so lost without him.
My nana passed away after a very short and brutal 2 month battle with lung cancer this past April. The diagnosis was SO sudden, and the anticipatory grief was just as devastating and brutal as the grief has been since she passed. I did the same and spent as much time as humanly possible with her before she passed. Her and my youngest son who is only 1, were best friends, I always joke that I birthed that baby for her 😂 and i also wanted them to have as much time together as possible. 6 weeks later my uncle (her son) suddenly passed away from bacterial meningitis. It has really thrown us all for a loop. We were all SO close, i we grew up living together, my nana and mom lived together 8 minutes away from my husband, kids, and I. We were together all of the time and spoke every day. This video and simultaneously going through this with your videos has been very helpful for what I am feeling, seeing someone sort of in the same, sad, experience as I am. Thank you for being so open and sharing your grief journey with us! ❤️
I’m so sorry we bonded through grief; but so happy we can support each other. It’s so sad they didn’t have more time together but how lovely she met him and I’m sure it was the most special bond for them both x
A few years before losing Miguel I lost my besutiful mum to pancreatic cancer. The pain literally made me howel. I also rang the Samarans and found them unhelpful. Time has helped me to live with the pain 💔 but it's soooooo hard at times. Big hugs xxxxxxxx😊
I love that you mention howeling; it’s just so raw and too much for our bodies to bare. I’m so sorry you e been through this too - I know my friend who works for the Samaritans said they get a lot of grief calls so would be interesting to try again and see if it helps….. I didn’t find it helpful so was a bit gutted in that moment x
Grief 🥹 is a pain in the gut and process we have to go through I lost my dad it was the hardest thing ever in my life my friend lost her 22 year old son on Christmas Day 2 years ago this Christmas and tells me often she can’t wait to die so she can stop the pain and fear every day. Everyone copes differently Sending you a big hug sj your sister truly loved you so much and always remember we are energy and can never leave the planet so we are always around xxx❤
It’s an unbearable pain; and like you say, so physical. Naomi loved me so much, it’s a grief for her and also you’re right, a grief for that love I had which was the one person I knew loved me enough to move mountains. I miss that feeling too. Xxxx
Fuck Cancer. You had such a beautiful sister. The relationship you guys had was so unique and special. I have two sisters, and could only dream of being that close to them. You had a once in a lifetime relationship that nothing or no one can replace, and the pain that you feel established how much you loved her, and how that bond is so hard to break, even though she is gone. I don’t know if that all makes sense, but you didn’t just lose somebody. Your heart got completely broken. It’s not my loss but I’m mad it happened to you & her. You too were so beautiful together. I’m sorry for your loss. I’m so sorry for your pain and I pray God surround you with love and comfort in these difficult times. Thank you for sharing your story. Plz hang in there. Completely a stranger who loves your baby name videos, and has been following your journey about your sister.
I lost my only sister Karen five months ago the emotions you go through is overwhelming. I've done things never done before. My sister lost her husband after two years when my nephew was one. Karen had recently become a grandma when I hold my great nephew I feel her so close. I feel odd not having a sister feel something missing. Trying to support my mum and dad all the family my children my nephew so have to allow sometime for my grief as try to be strong for everyone. The funeral was beautiful and perfect for my sister everyone said the same Karen had written alot of things down about her funeral although it was sudden I feel after going through major heart surgery last year prompted this. Karen now laid to rest with her late husband her wishes some comfort to be has there. Thank you and sending love to you grief never goes away it brings weird and wonderful things unexpected sometimes. Her birthday 5th November we are having a sparkler tribute to her. Xx
That sparkler tribute sounds incredible; I’ll think of her too. Sending so much love, it’s unreal to read all the stories here and I’m so grateful for your message x
Really helpful! You’re doing so well. You had lost one of the closest person to you in am nearly 2 years into grief I don’t think it gets any easier 😢you miss them more and more everyday 😢 but this is my experience Sending love xxxx
I know other comments here people are saying the second year is harder; we don’t know what’s ahead….I’m so glad we have this community and I’m here always x
@@SJ_Strum we really don’t know what is ahead but i personally can never see this pain getting easier just learn to carry on living my life around it! My heart aches more as time passes. I cry less but it comes back in waves one min i think i am okay a week or few days later boom 💥 it starts all over again spend my time wishing i could travel back in time. I can’t so i have to hold onto all the memories i have the little signs my Nan sends me her voice i hear when i light a candle 🕯️ she banned them lol 😂 just the little things xx
I'm not sure if you're going to see this because I'm a bit late to the video but I heard you saying you were prescribed with Sertraline and that you were struggling a bit. It was my first anti-depressant, and I had exactly the same thing for 6 weeks when I first started taking it. Every day I needed a nap just to get through, but my doctor insisted that I stick with it for 6-8 weeks, even though I felt dreadful and he was right. After the 6 week point I woke up and it was like a switch flicked and I just felt so much better. Now I take something else but I'm so glad that they encouraged me to stick it out and that I'm monitored properly while taking them. The side effects do ease up with time, but they also recommended both therapy and medication because otherwise you can get reliant on tablets. I started going to support groups in town and NHS therapy and highly recommend both. The support groups especially help because it's just that time every week where you can sit with people who get it, and then I do my own therapy as well (i think CBT is the most common). if you're not currently looking at those sorts of things, definitely check them out 😊
This is so so helpful; I’m really looking for a local bereavement group. I haven’t found one yet but will keep trying and will push through and see how I go on the anti depressants/ I know I need them at the moment. Thanks for the best advice x
Wow this is amazing SJ it will be a support to so many and that's what I admired so much in you and your lovely sister - even in pain you wanted to help others and raise awareness. I need to have one of my famous rants about why this kind of thing isn't discussed in school?! I went through a horrendous grief and it struck me that being prepared for some of it even in a basic language that kids/teenagers can understand (body sensations could change eg the acid tears) is a huge resource and would've been a lot less scary for me at least. My experience was that I felt the overwhelming sense that I myself was going to die from the grief so a big comfort would've been to know that all these things are to be expected and skills to self-regulate xxx
Omg I’ve felt and often feel that I’m going to die of grief!!!! I didn’t mention it as it feels selfish in a way - especially that I’m not her child or partner - but i will never be the same again and will always grieve the life I would have had had she lived. School luckily have been amazing for her girls; they’ve had the hospice in for training and their teachers and head came to the funeral. It’s such a taboo topic still; maybe due to religious beliefs about the afterlife but whatever we believe we all feel loss the same xxxxx
Beautiful video ❤. My heart goes out to you and your family. I was on zoloft/serterline for prenatal and post natal depression. I also described it as still being sad at times but not going through the floor. Like I did when i wasnt on it. Where the sadness was just so intense I couldn't control it took hold of my life.
Yes I feel that so much; going through the floor is so true. I did start to take it every other day when I felt so frustrated with the tiredness but I immediately felt the panic and inability to focus on a day at a time. We should be grateful it’s an option I think and you made me realise I need it and should keep going for now. Thank you xxxx
I lost my sister In a car accident 3 years ago, its her birthday in 2 days, she would have been 34. She was and still is my other sister and mines soul mate. I used to say god split one soul into three hearts. It's comforting to hear about another sister grieving her sister. I often felt as a sibling no one understood how traumatic it is to lose someone you thought you would spend your whole life growing up with. In an alternate universe I get to grow old with her. Her name was Gwendolyn
What a beautiful name - I truly know me and sister felt like two halves of the same soul so I totally understand your loss. Have you watched the movie Inside Out? The Pixar one - it’s like all those memories get touched by sadness of my whole childhood so we lose so so much when it’s a sibling as we truly don’t know life without them. Even their spouce or parents had some before - just us siblings and their children feel that way. I still daily go to ring or text her; there’s a missing part of my soul who knew me deeper than anyone else ever will. It’s a complex loss isn’t it xxx
I’ve never experienced grief, I’m 32 and my finances dad recently passed away also from cancer I’ve never been so close to grief seeing people go through it being in the main car at the funeral but not feeling the pain myself but the pain of seeing them grieve it I felt selfish to cry but I also felt like I wouldn’t cope and now I’ve got like anticipatory anxiety grief for my family who aren’t dying or even sick!? like I cry for them at just the thought of it. I’m a very emotional and empathetic person and it was so painful for me to see my partner loose his dad and his mom loose her husband and I was being there for them it’s made me so scared to loose anyone because I don’t know how it will feel. I find death so scary actually I’m not sure where that comes from maybe because I haven’t experienced it directly , I watched your sister from the beginning and I cried for her and for you I think I maybe watch things like to subconsciously to prepare myself incase anything does happen but I suppose you can’t really prepare for greif until you live through it I just think you’re so incredibly strong and such a kind soul ❤ I think maybe it should be something talked about more in schools etc but thank you for making a video like this it will give so much comfort to people to not feel alone xxxxxx
I understand totally - I’m a empath too and it’s so confronting. Please don’t live in fear of it; it’s hard for me at times that my husbands family haven’t been through it and I find their family times harder as I feel so angry or upset that my family isn’t the same anymore. But I know that your empathy will be so appreciated; I always try not to say “I can’t imagine…” and instead say “I can imagine this feels like….” As otherwise it’s so much more isolating xxxxx sending so so much love to you and just the fact you watched this; shows how much you care xxxx
I would enjoy a video where you talk more in depth about the medication- as much as you feel comfortable with of course. Thank you for sharing all of this!
Watched until the end. You will help so many people with this video so a heartfelt thank you. Sending you lots of love and keeping you in my thoughts ❤ 💗 ❤ xxx
Thank you ❤❤❤ not a Good Friday night one but we lost a close person to my sister this week and I felt strong enough to say something. Thanks so much for watching and especially messaging; xxxxxxx
@@SJ_Strum oh my goodness, I'm so sorry. That must be very hard for you. You should be so proud of yourself for being strong enough to do this. I'm certainly very proud of you for thinking of others when you didn't have to 💜 I remember my GP saying years ago that when you're depressed you can't cope with anything. All the everyday things are impossible tasks and that antidepressants just put the Teflon coating back on you, so all the mud doesn't stick. I've always remembered that and it's over twenty years since I was sat in his office that day. Lots of love to you and gentle hugs 💜💘🫂 xxxx
That’s so tragic and devastating. I can imagine this was hard to watch as well so I appreciate your message. Sudden loss is such an unreal experience and even more than me you must go to pick up the phone; I hope you’ve found some healing practises that help you. Sending so so much love x
I think you may have a degree of PTSD when you kept visiting the room she died in in your mind. That may have stopped happening now but if you keep feeling the same, then I would explore the possibility of PTSD. Hypnotherapy would be very good to help you to move into the next stage of grief but it may do this on its own. It will last about 2 years but always be there but it will not stay the same and of course gets less. You are probably also exhausted and getting some rest and being on the sofa could be good. A grief group could be good and you seem to be drawn to this.
SJ, had you spoken to Naomi about how you were going to feel after she had gone? If not, I wonder what she would have said to you. Naomi was such a smart, thoughtful, mature for her age young lady, and seeing how very much she loved you, I’m certain that she would have had some mind blowing pearls of wisdom to give to you to help you to carry on. It is awful that the lovely Naomi has gone so soon and it makes me very angry that she had to leave her girls behind. Have you spoken to the girls about their coping? Young people often have imaginative ways to get through grief, it may help you all to discuss it. All best SJ. Hopefully putting up the Christmas stockings will give you some respite. Bless you all. H. x
We didn’t in the end; we spoke about everyone else. But funnily enough friends have come forward with her words she told them about - how she wanted them to keep looking out for me. And they do. It’s unreal she did that for me; she told them all sorts of worries she had for me and they were all accurate I would say, we just knew we would not be able to say goodbye. Thanks for asking this; it made me remember she did that xxxxx
@@SJ_Strum that is good to hear. The girls are very lucky to have such a fantastic aunt and I am sure that gave Naomi such comfort to know they were going to be so well loved and cared for by their family. Mind yourself. These months coming up to Christmas can be challenging xxxx
I think i was in anticipatory grief even before my mum died, she died suddenly but i remember waking up with panics that she would die it was horrible.
I had this exact thing with my dad. He died suddenly from a heart attack at 57 in 2010. I didn’t know it at the time, but the month leading up to it I would wake up almost every night having a panic attack that he would die. After he passed I also had the same dream of him for weeks (I never normally remember dreams). In this dream we were all at his parents home and he would always be leaving/saying goodbye to me. Strange as that was, it was a huge comfort because it felt like we got to say the goodbye we didn’t get in the waking world
My mum died with cancer in August 19th this year ,she had two different cancers over eightyears and it spread her bowel. Lungs ,it just happened so fast she died in hospital and I got diagnosed with breast cancer in 22 August with stage 3 grade 3 in the same hospital ,it happened in 31 July had appointment,then rushed for two mammogram s and lots biopsy s ,all I could I think of my mum is upstairs dying and my adult son how is 28 waiting for my ,I just don't feel anything ,some days I have moment xxx
It’s so awful to hear this; I’m so sorry and angry this has happened to such an undeserving family. I know you’re being told that your mindset is important and that’s likely impossible in this situation; sometimes fighting is just showing up and spreading your experience will be so so helpful for people. We had similar; my dad was diagnosed with cancer, shortly after my granny moved into a hospice then naomi was diagnosed with cancer - all in 3 months and it was like the world was cancer suddenly. I hope your treatment is working and I’m sending healing your way. Xxxxxx
Would you consider the Emotional Freedom Technique? Or, perhaps, hypnosis. I am qualified in both and they can work well with grief and you do not have to talk so much. What you are sharing is shock and trauma which is inevitably going to be worse with such a young person. Bach rescue remedies can be good for grief too.
I don’t believe you will be in this same place a year from now or even 6 months from now - at least not every day. This video will be helpful to so many people. It hope it was helpful to you to share it. ❤
Grieving starts when you know you're going to lose them. You don't want them to be in pain, and it's a relief when they go, but then, after a little while, you want them back. I'm so sorry about you're sister she was so young.
It starts so quickly; life altering. I wonder if there are anticipatory grief support groups? I’m sure there are and I should have looked for one xxxxxx
Our daughter, Claire, died very unexpectedly (from a pulmonary embolism) at age 23 when everything she had been working for was coming into bloom. I can so relate when you talk about the anger and jealousy. That was huge for me. Also, the mundane tasks of everyday living (grocery shopping, laundry, bathing, etc.) just felt surreal and pointless (i.e. 'my daughter is dead and I'm out shopping for chicken stock.') It felt like such a disconnect from what was really important to me--which was holding onto her memory in any way that I could. I went on anti-depressants which helped tremendously, in the early stages, but I also didn't care for the side effects. It has been 10 years and I will process this loss for the rest of my life but I have learned to really savor life and cherish all of the big and small moments, to laugh and to try to live with purpose and with no regrets. It's what our daughter would have wanted. What helped me was the mantra "if I had died would I want Claire to have stopped enjoying life and laughter and investing in the future?" The answer is a resounding "NO." That thought has gotten me through many dark moments when I questioned my own right to happiness or felt guilt about laughing and living...
I’m so sorry you’ve been through that; it’s truly surreal at times. That’s a lovely reframe to live life by - thank you for sharing x
@SJ_Strum I'm dealing with loosing my identical twin sister now....I don't know what to do 😢💔🥺😭 I can't save her 💔💔💔💔💔💔
@@TheDogPooPro it’s the worst feeling: I wanted to save Naomi so much. I know how you feel, she was like a twin to me. Enjoy all the time you have, leave no regrets and I know you’ll leave nothing unsaid. Just be there fully now and the future will be learning to love her in new ways but I can promise she won’t go. I have signs from Naomi all the time. We also chose words and symbols to know she’s there and it’s a comfort when I see them. Sending love to you both xxxx
@SJ_Strum thank you x
My subscribers told me about you and Naomi 💔, and I have watched.....when my heart allows. It's all consuming isn't it?
Sooz & I have chosen some words....she can be delirious at times....I hope she doesn't forget them x
I can see your love for her is as great as mine is for Sooz.
I honestly think I'll die on that day though....I can't see how my heart won't stop 😭💔
I wish that I could swap places 🥺
@@TheDogPooPro yes I tried to watch yours too but I was in the hospice and it was a lot. Remember what will her comfort is that it isn’t you. I was devastated as Naomi was so sorry she was dying and apologetic to me at times - she hated the idea of me losing her. I’m only 6 months in; I’ve had the terror and now the tears come but I’m slowly reconnecting our relationship in a new way as her person earth side. It’s not a nice comfort - but I’ll say it to you as you’ll get it - I now know I’ll never be afraid of passing as I’ll be with her again. So I live more fully - until we meet again. It’s a mind f right now: agony and desperation- but when the time neared we truly loved our days and laughed so much and loved so much. Xxxxxxxxxc
My heart goes out to anyone in the grieving process. It’s so so hard. For me personally, anticipatory grief was the hardest. I found the fear of the unknown crippling. If anyone is reading this and in that place now, please know it does get better/easier.
I agree in a lot of ways; the tears I shed the last few years are immense. I’d not heard the term so really happy we can let people know it’s a part of it. Sending love x
Yes. Those tears of grief …..I went to the optician as my eyes were so sore and I had blocked ducts etc etc. I explained I was grieving and i thought it was related to the tears …..the lady looked at me like i was mad. But I wasn’t …..the tears of grief are horrific .
And the grief fog. 😢
Everyone used to say to me the first year is the worst. And In a way it is….all the firsts. But actually for me, year 2 was the hardest. All the firsts are done, people expect you to be “better” and it’s longer and longer since we saw them…..
But I am 3 and a half years in and it DOES get better. We learn to live alongside grief.
I always think grief is like your soul just shatters wide open, and slowly a cobweb forms over the gaping hole. Some days it holds firm, and others it blows around and exposes the hole…..but gradually it gets stronger and stronger. It’ll always be there tho.
For anyone going through this….hang in there. Talk, be out in nature and find your people. And above all….remember grief is love with nowhere to go. We grieve because we loved. And how lucky we are to have loved so hard xxxxxxx ❤
Wow that's amazing the optician didn't learn from that - hopefully she did as passed it on to others. I'm was so shocked I had to literally stop myself crying as it was so painful, my eyes have been so sore and puffy, they are gradually turning back to normal. I've heard a lot of people say year 2 is the hardest, I'm so lucky to have you all here and know I can talk about it anytime and reach people who are feeling the same xxx
Many moons ago, I used to be a funeral director and I love the advice you gave. My number one tip for planning a funeral would be to ask those questions that feel awkward or silly. "Do you mind if I bring this to the service?" "Can we make xyz happen?" Or call and ask "do you mind if I come sit with the deceased for a bit longer one last time?" Funeral directors number one priority is to help you navigate the days following a loss and make those ugly days as beautiful as possible. They truly are an overlooked resource!
Definitely! I really wanted a gospel choir and she got us one and they were so so incredible. It was like a west end show for Naomi and so special - nothing seemed too difficult for her. Such an amazing profession x
SJ I lost my Mum 20 years ago. I was in my mid 20's. The grief was unimaginable. I can't tell you how helpful your video is to those of us who are going through it or have been through it. Just hearing someone else articulate it like you have, somehow validates my own grief at the time. I felt like I was the only one experiencing these overwhelming feelings. I felt like I was losing my mind. Thank you so so much for opening up and sharing. You have helped me so much, even after all these years x
Oh I’m so so happy to hear that; how amazing over 20 years. It’s sad this is what unites us but I know this grief will feel raw for many decades and I’m so grateful you watched and helped me validate my feelings too xxx
I lost my brother suddenly in January which has turned life upside down. It resonated with me what you were saying about how hard to imagine a future time, feeling this way about Christmas and not wanting it to happen.
Sibling loss is not as easy to connect with others about so if you ever want to talk or connect and consider doing something which may help others would love to chat.
Sending ❤
I lost my dad when I was 18 and my mom two years ago when I was 30. They both died of cancer. Even though I know there are people out there who have lost their parents when they were younger I still feel so alone. Even though it's been awhile the pain of loss never leaves you. All that happened to me is that I have learned that nothing will change the past and I can only accept what has happened. I'm so sorry for your loss and I really do feel for your pain. I'm sorry you lost your sister when she was so young. I wish you all the best in life ❤.
I feel for you, I lost both my at 18, within a year of each other, at the time I was offered no help, but it affected me deeply all my life.
It’s such a huge loss that not many people have experienced; it doesn’t matter your age - I really believe that - even people who never met their birth parents grieve their losses hard. It’s a cruel disease, a cruel thing you’ve had to bare. Sending so much love and I’m so happy you messaged and watched xxx
@@SJ_Strum ❤️❤️❤️
Lots of love to you ❤ My mum died suddenly of a heart attack 2 years ago. It was a huge shock- I felt so much of what you’ve talked about. I deeply miss her but I’ve learnt to live a happy life with my grief xx
This is such a helpful and informative video. My father died 11 months ago, shortly after a cancer diagnosis. We were incredibly close and I very much relate to what you describe. The first several months felt like i was drowning and just when I felt like I found my footing again the intense grief and loop of thoughts about everything that happened would start again. The GP suggested that I start an anti depressant and said it would smooth out the edges, making the extreme lows more manageable. The grief fog is real, I still struggle to make plans and find it difficult to look too far ahead. This time of year brings it all back and I feel like I have one foot stuck in 2022 and one in the present day. I try to honour my dad by being proactive and learning to enjoy my life like I did before. You took excellent care of Naomi, your bond is beautiful and you both continue to help many people. Sending love. Xx
I’m so interested to hear you had the antidepressants too; it’s so true about the extreme lows. I wonder if we’ll always have one foot in the world where they were and then putting one foot forward … sending so much love x
@@SJ_Strum Thank you. I have never taken any medication for mental health before and my go to methods for coping with any stress in life is exercise and other holistic methods. My GP lost her mother to cancer in a short space of time and said she needed to take an anti depressant after a while as she found it difficult to cope. I will very much will try anything that may help but its early days. Xx
Thank you for sharing your story. Sending you lots of love & hugs. With grief so intense, it's almost impossible to totally escape without some kind of intervention. My GP was extremely helpful to my situation. ❤
Oh SJ. Sending all the love. I’ve lost both my parents, which of course was soul crushing, but when I lost my brother suddenly in 2021 it was truly the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Losing a sibling, our first and forever best friend, is very tough. I am almost 2 years out and go in and out of grief all the time. I like you lean into it, I allow myself to feel all the feels and don’t push it away. I’m proud of you and how you are coping and I know your sister is with you in spirit. xx
It’s a comfort to hear even though it’s so tragic; a sibling loss is like that movie Inside Out when a lot of core memories become sad. But I’m slowly getting to joy in them again - sending love and I appreciate you sharing this with me so so much x
Gosh, I cannot imagine what you have been through. Losing a sibling is unimaginable… it feels like a crime against nature. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know so many people will find this video an incredible source of comfort and hope xx
I’ve been following you since my pregnancy in 2020 even knowing we aren’t planning on having more to name, I remained here.
You posted this shortly after my dad passed today. I was scrolling TH-cam trying to calm down a bit..I see this video as a sign of Gods comfort and I greatly appreciate it. God Bless you and comfort you on your grief journey.
🤍🤍🤍
I'm so so sorry for your loss - I'm so pleased you found this just when you needed it. How awful grief is what is uniting us again when we met through such happy baby times. Sending so much love xxxxxxxxx
Sometimes you just see the right thing at the right time. 3 months since i lost my dad but him having been ill for over 6yrs and we nearly lost him several times over that period too. That living on a knife-edge was exhausting and upsetting. Lockdown helped me do what you said about distancing myself from the worry of it all surprisingly. Whilst everyone was missing loved ones i felt relief to have a break from it. The point you make about seeing older people alive instead of your sister hit home too. My good friend has a brain tumour and it's really like we lost the person she was quickly so the grief was immediate but she's still here. I felt so much confusion that she was so ill and yet my dad kept surviving. I gave into antidepressants a few years back but was weaning off them just before my dad died. I've kept on the small dose and as i can never see the GP I'll likely be on them for a while yet. Some days are fine but most days am still on that knife-edge as it's hard to change how you've felt for so long.
Thank you so much for this, I lost my mum in April and felt so many of those things you said. So hard to put into words and to not feel so alone ❤ I'm trying to, because they would want us to
I want to send so much love and light to you. You’re a beautiful soul, SJ. What you are going through is so difficult and no one deserves to feel this pain. There is a time for you in the future when you will be back on the beach eating ice lollies with your family with your kids running around happy, loudly playing with each other. Your toes may still be in the water, but you will get back on that beach. If it is right for you, keep talking about your beautiful sister. We will be here to listen about the wonderful life she created and your all of the times you shared together. ❤
I'm 2 months into delivering my stillborn baby boy. As awful of a club as this is to belong to it was so nice to hear someone describe their grief journey. I'm improving but today is a hard one and this video helped. I'm so sorry SJ, it really is unfair and so painful. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your love for you sister with us 🩷🩷
That is so so tragic; I can imagine you feel numb and in agony all at once. Sending so so so much love to you xxxxxxxxx
Sending so much love to you ❤️
I'm currently in the anticipatory grief stage and every single day i find myself feeling so panicked about losing them and not knowing when im going to lose them (even to the point of putting my hand on their chest when theyre sleeping just to check that they're still breathing because they go into such deep sleeps that im terrified theyll never wake up from). Im so scared to lose them and have no idea when i will but know it will be relatively soon, and i think the uncertainty makes me even more panicked :/ it also makes me really sad that im spending this precious time being worried when im around them rather than enjoying their company, but i cant seem to put it all out of my mind :((( i just want to thank you for talking through your journey, giving some genuine advice and making me feel less alone xx
You are not at all alone - and while the path won’t become clear you will walk it and just know how much your deep care and love will be making the world of difference. To both of you xxxx
@@SJ_Strum you're a darling SJ 🩷 sending you so much strength and love x
I really enjoyed this perspective on everything -- I have always felt like if I am upset/in grief, if I stay busy I feel better, which can lead to burn out. It is helpful to see other peoples' perspectives and coping. I hope you always realize how strong you are
My dad is dying of cancer and I’m going through anticipatory grief right now. I don’t know how much time he has left. Thank you for the video. ❤
I'm so devastated to hear that, it's such a very tough time xxxx
Oh wow, everything you said is exactly what I felt.
The anger at random (innocent) strangers.
The feeling of being out at sea.
The acid tears -totally real.
Sertraline keeps me level, but sometimes wish I could cry again.
You're amazing, thank you for being so raw and honest x
Thank you Kate x
Dear SJ, firstly, my deepest condolences. You are an extraordinary human being and this video is going to help so many people, whichever stage of grieving they are currently experiencing. In following the story of you and your beautiful sister Naomi these past many months, I have been struck by your maturity, and the deep wells of empathy and love you've expressed. And you articulate those in such a relatable way. I am in my mid-70s, Grandma of nine, and have been bereaved of both parents, and two brothers. Losing my father hit me the hardest, I felt severe physical pain - grief actually hurts! He died thirty years ago, and still I think of him - with love - every day. SJ, please keep taking care of yourself, I know it's not been easy for you, and that things are still quite raw. Sending love and greetings from Australia.
Thanks so much for such a supportive message Chrissie, it's so lovely to connect across the sea and yes the physical pain of grief is intense. In the hospice I was hobbling up and down the halls as my body felt broken. Sending so much love, grief often doesn't get spoken about and I hope this reaches so many people like us just to know the feelings are normal and to accept them xxxx
@@SJ_Strum thank you, SJ.
"... my body felt broken". Yes! You capture the essence, in those few words. Your sister was so blessed to have you alongside her for each step of the journey. Such a precious bond. C.
Sorry for your losses. I never realised before as you said that grief does physically hurt. X
@@KellyMetcalfVlogs thank you Kelly, kind of you. Yes it's strange, it got me deep in my gut, so to speak.
Im a new viewer to your channel but saw what was going on with your sister and I am so sorry for your loss. When my little brother died at 29 I had no time to grieve, I was living 1400 miles from my family and my parents found him dead on the ground in their home (he had OD'd) I had to fly there immediately, get dressed up and beg multiple funeral homes to give him a funeral my parents could afford (he had no insurance), and sleep on the floor in their tiny apartment on a blow up mattress next to the blood stain he left behind because they forced my mom to clean it up by hand after the emt's left and finally go home all in 3 days. When I got home to my husband and 5 kids I cried that night from the stress and sadness of knowing i'll never see him again, its never easy to loose a love one especially when it wasnt their time.
You are not alone. I can imagine that was just torture emotionally and physically - you showed up and did what so many people would consider a worst nightmare and you managed in the face of tragedy to face it. I admire that so much; sending so so much love and empathy x
My word, you poor poor thing. I hope you are doing ok. Sending prayers x
@@Celeste-dp5ur it was in 2021 I’m doing better unfortunately my parents are not, Tyvm for asking thought
Hello SJ, I lost my sister, Chloe, on 31st August this year, she was 48. It's weirdly comforting to hear you talk about your experience with grief, ours was sudden as Chloe had a stroke and then spent 3 weeks in the ICU. No getting round it, it's just really, really sh*t. You have such a special and magical bond with your sister, Naomi, as we did with Chloe and that comes across in all your videos. One of the things that I've found comforting is that our sisters knew how loved they were and that will always be the case even though they are physically not here anymore. Their spirits live on and we will live for them. Sending lots of love to you and your family xx
I can't believe it's been 5 months. She's so missed. You're such a wonderful person, to be trying to help others when you're going through this horror is flooring. You're amazing ❤
Thank you for making this video. I'm in my mid-twenties, lost my Mum to cancer 2 years ago, and I played a very similar role in my mother's life/death to who it sounds like you were for your beautiful sister . The acid-feeling tears, grief fog, living mentally back in that room, trying day after day... It still feels so fresh. So thank you for sharing that you are coping. It means so much.
Hey lovely. I started following you when I heard about your sisters situation as I was going through the same thing with my sister. But guess what? I’m watching you right at this moment 8am New Zealand time on our local morning breakfast show live from Surrey it says on the telly being interviewed about baby names. So cool seeing someone I follow being on the telly. 2 years down from losing my sister and I’m still not really coping some days. Xxx❤️
Very honest and moving video. I'm not even going through grief but I hung to every word. I love the analogy of love and grief ❤
You literally make me feel like what I went through was normal
And is normal .. still to this day it’s still a struggle .
I’m 5 years in after loosing my dad to cancer aged 56
I feel the extreme fatigue and also what you said about feeling angry when you see other people and I would be like “ how come they are still alive and my dad isn’t !!!
I not suffer with anxiety and panic attacks which never had before this .. had therapy twice and now waiting for MORE therapy due to PTSD.
You’re so inspirational and are so strong ….. sending you lots of love xxxxxxx
It’s so helpful to hear to me too that my experiences are “normal” - it’s a daily challenge and I know in five years it still will be. So so sad to look to the future without our loved ones x
This is such an important conversation.
I’ve never lost a sibling, but have lost friends who were even closer to me than family, and I relate hugely to so much of what you’re feeling.
This seems like an odd thing to say, but your sister was the same age as me, and I’m absolutely in awe of how the both of you navigate(d) this whole process.
Sending you so much love and strength
It’s not odd at all; it’s just so unspoken it feels maddening at times to go it alone and not understand or articulate how it feels. I know naomi was so special to me and she was a talker, a helper and I’m so happy you watched and I’m so sorry for your losses. Friendship is so unbearable( my sisters friends are having such a hard time too so I had them in mind making this xxxxx
@@SJ_Strumit’s a strange position to be in when it’s a friendship. I was 19 when I lost one of my dearest friends, she was only 24. Then in 2019 a friend with several very small children was taken by pancreatic cancer just as she turned 35. For myself all I could do was be there for their families as much as they needed me to be. But I definitely had several occasions when I would get something close to imposter syndrome from worrying about whether I had as much “right” as a relative to be in pain. Grief does very odd things to us all xx
Thanks for taking your pain and using your experiences to share and support others. Your sister must be so proud of you xx
When my mother was first diagnosed with cancer, we had been planning a trip to Thailand wit my dad and my sister which had to be canceled because she was on a frequent chemo schedule. Now she is too ill to go. I will never be ready to lose her, but your words made me consider planning that trip with my dad and sister for after she is gone. Just considering going without her is painful, but I think it might be healing for all of us.
I'm really relating so strongly to the love analogy, although i have never been in love. The movies all make it seem like it's impossible to focus on anything else, and i've never understood how one feeling can be so powerful and all consuming. I understand that now.
I thank you for your video and wish you the best.
Thank you so much for your message. Yes Thailand could always be a loss connected to illness; but to walk there I’m sure you’ll find such happiness in her plans coming to life. It’s a very inexplicable time; I’m with you and hope you find the strength but also the vulnerability is so important. It’s okay to be fragile right now and I wish I’d embraced my needs more as well as falling apart is also being resilient - it’s a part of the process we shouldn’t fear x
Thank you for sharing your experience so candidly SJ. I lost my mum on 29th August and I’m really struggling. She was my anchor and just as you said I now feel lost at sea. Sometimes I think ‘oh I’ll just call mum’ then when I realise I can’t I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. I think after the funeral etc the permanence of it all really sinks in and it’s agony. I think I’ll try to find a bereavement group like you suggested.
Sending love to you and your family ❤
I still go to call naomi so so often; it’s unreal. I just miss her role in my life as my guide and my closest person in terms of knowing me and unconditionally being there for me. It’s so so hard; but we are getting there - wherever there is - maybe just on the raft!
I've struggled with the passing of my mom for the past 5 years now. I lost her when I was 15, so I was very young. She passed away of stage 4 melanoma. Grief is definitely hard to work through because it hits you all the time. But know this, it will get slightly easier as time goes on and you'll start to just remember the good happy times with your sister. Keep her memory alive. I send my love and support to you and your family. Stay strong!!
Still so very proud for how you are handing all of this! Thanks for this. Holding you in my prayers tonight.
I appreciate that so so much; naomi will feel it I’m sure x
It is totally and completely unfair that your beautiful, funny, big hearted sister is not going to see old age. You are valid for feeling anger when you see others who have been gifted that opportunity.
Thank you for sharing her with us. I genuinely loved listening to you two ham it up on the podcast.
It will always hurt. But you will feel stronger in time. Sending you so much love ❤
I'm so happy I have her voice to laugh with when I need her, it feels like it keeps her in the present time.x
It’s been nearly 7 years since I lost my sister everything you have said massively resonated with me
I miss her everyday but the emotions aren’t as intense
I know it’s a cliche but time is a great healer you will definitely not be feeling as bad as you are in a years time I can guarantee that ❤️❤️
I needed to hear that - thank you ❤ xxxxxxxxxxxxx so so sorry we met this way; it’s a special thing a sister and I keep remembering how lucky I am to have mine x
My mum has dementia and I feel as a family we have been grieving for years, so wish we had a conversation with her about her funeral wishes.
I’m so sorry and sure you will make the best choices; dementia is so hard for the carers. Sending so much love xxxxx
You are so strong. I often think of you and your sister when I look at the developing relationship of my two young girls because of a video you put years ago now at the start of the pandemic. You talked about how your sister has been your Person throughout your life and I appreciate how openly you've shared about everything. I'm sure you're helping so many people with sharing her on your channel and your experience going through all this ❤
Yes!!! Omg that video, I felt so scared of losing naomi at that time. There’s a weird coincidence of that time, she got really sick and felt such pain and I sent her a pregnancy pillow and hot pads and she got through it. One doctor said maybe that was her first sign of bowel cancer - very tough to imagine as it was high covid and she didn’t go to a doctor. I made that video during that time. A lot to unpack but ultimately maybe it wasn’t and I know she knew I was with her xxxx
SJ, what a helpful video. I listened to the end finding it so familiar. My hubby passed away aged 32 when I had a 3 year old and 3 month old, the brain fog and exhaustion was like nothing I ever experienced. I remember the desperate feeling of wanting to run away but covid had hit and I couldn't go anywhere. I used to hide in my shed! I'm 4 years in and while the pain doesn't go away, it is much less intense and overwhelming. Your sister just seemed so brave and wonderful. It's so unfair, but you are doing so well. xx
I’m very sorry for your loss .
That sounds like you did the most incredible feat - I can imagine you couldn’t comprehend this was even reality. I’m sending so so much love and am cheering you on as you truly are amazing. Shed and all ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
SJ you’re an amazing person 🖤 You’re so honest and brave putting all this out there, and I’m sure helping so many people through their hard times or preparing them for if it happens. Naomi is SO right there with you, that’s when she’s not sunning it up on a white sandy beach with a cocktail in hand, receiving a massage from a topless man 😁 Lots of love x
Ahhhhhh. I hope so!!!! She'd love that!
So kind of you to put all this information together and it is certainly needed.
So kind and selfless of you to share your experience to help others. You seem incredibly strong and you’ve done such an admirable job of supporting your sister and now helping others. Such a kind and generous soul. X
Thank you Tara xxx
Also love that you mentioned this issue with talk therapy. It really annoys me that no one discusses more helpful alternatives for trauma - there are some amazing trauma processing therapies nowadays like Somatic Experiencing in case people don't know.
Yes I think trauma is a big different thing; I’ll look into somatic therapy. I’ve been recommended it before - thank you so much x
You extremely slowly adapt to the pain, it never goes (in my experience) but in a year you will feel more adapted. You’re doing amazingly well, really appreciate all this content. Naomi is with you every step. 💕💕
I know she is; I hope she is. I feel her so strongly when I’m with the girls and do feel I’m adapting to the pain. Thanks so much for the support x
I noticed you said that you hope you don't feel this way in a year… you've been through so much SJ. Grief isn't linear and some days you'll feel like the old you, and other days you'll be in the dark abyss again. Things will never be ‘normal’ again, but you can create a new normal for yourself and you can be happy again. It's ok if one day you're loving life, laughing and smiling, and the next crying so much it hurts. Grief is the price we pay when we love someone dearly. But as the saying goes, it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Create a safe place in your mind, somewhere lovely with no people or things that bring you stress, and keep going to that place when you need to. Try to schedule 10-15 minutes a day where you can sit in peace and go to your safe place. You're so strong and you will navigate this at your own pace. ❤
This is the best advice; thank you so so much x
Great video SJ, it will help everyone who watches it at some point in their life. Amazing story about the funeral director and the festival! Sounds like you did an amazing job with the funeral. I never thought of a funeral director like a film director before but that makes so much sense.
Thank you Harriet x
Thank you for sharing these difficult parts of your life- these videos about your sister and the older videos of your kid’s speech issues are all helping me deal with similar situations currently happening in my life too
I’m so relieved to hear that; you never know what people are going through. Sending so much love x
This is such an important and beautifully done video. Thank you for making this, especially when it involves such a profound loss you've had. I'm so sorry that you are having to grieve your sister. So many prayers sending in the way of all of you❤
Thank you so much x
I miss my dad every day. Hed passed in 2016 and I still can't believe he is gone. I wish I could have one more talk and Coffee with him, but I know he knows how much I love him. I was there at the beginning of his Cancer journey and was there at the end with him. I know I will see him again one day. 😇❤💔 I think when you have that kind of love for someone the ache never goes away. You do the things you have to do to carry on for you and your family, but life is never the same. I can honestly say that it feels like my dad just passed, and I can't believe that much time has gone by. My mom and I are best friends, and she feels the same way. I hate when people say, " how long did it take you to get over it"? Get over it? I will never be over it. Or they say, " You should be able to move on by now". Um no. You do the best you can. Everyone is different. You just hope that you can at least live and not want to crawl in a hole and die. Thanks for making this video. Naomi would be proud of you. ❤ I have to go for a Colonoscopy next week and thought about putting it off and I said nope I'm going for your sister in the hopes if something is there it will be treatable. I will think of her smiling down with her beautiful smile with that bright red lipstick she wore. You both are so beautiful. Try to be strong and if the meditation helps keep doing it. Whatever it takes. Hugs.
It’s so true there’s no timeline on grief as it’s a constant feeling. With better and worse days; I’m sure your colonscopy will be fine and Naomi will be so so happy you are having it. Please let me know x
SJ... I sometimes think about you and your sister. You sound like you're coping very well even though you think you arent.Thank you for sharing this!! I literally sent it to three friends in different stages of grief.
Hugs Hugs Hugs! ❤❤❤❤
Aww sweet SJ, you are strong qnd doing awesome on your grief journey. Naomie IS an awesome soul, just in a different form, living now in our hearts and looking over you and all her family with love and peace. Lots of love to you 💗
I love that she’s in so many peoples hearts; it means so much xx
She definetly is 💗
This was such a hard watch, I lost my Nan, my best friend in February. It was so sudden, so was hard hearing about the anticipation grief as I didn’t get to spend time with her and say goodbye etc. I often get stuck in the torture you described of going over why? Why did it have to happen the way it did, why so sudden, why then, why did she have to get up that night. It is torture and I can’t stop. I hadn’t seen her in 3 years cos of her going into a home, covid hitting, me having a baby etc. we were due to see her in April, we were so close to seeing her again we couldn’t wait to hug each other again and her meet my son in person. Then one night she got up for the loo - she normally wouldn’t, and she fell and hit her head so bad she had brain damage and fell into a coma and didn’t wake up.
You described grief so well, it is defo like a huge fog. I feel like someone punched me in the stomach and I’m winded. My family are in Australia, so I feel like I’m grieving alone. My husband and daughters seem bored by me talking about her all the time. I talk to her all day, she is the first thing I think of and the last each day. I miss her so much. She was also my first big loss of someone so close to me.
Sorry for rambling, I have no one to talk to that understands x
My baby was born sleeping in June so its different for sure but the fresh grief was exactly what you said you have to live for now not look too far ahead in the immediate aftermath i planned the funeral etc then after that i fell apart. I was surviving nothing more. A friend said to me grief is like a tunnel you cant go under it, over it, or around it you have to go through it. And each day initially you feel likeyour going deeper into the tunnel but one day you see a sliver of light and slowly you see more light im seeing more light now im now functioning ive gone beyond surviving and into functioning i dont think ill ever be the person i was before this but i hope i can go back to living eventually. I remind myself that grief is only here because love came first its different as i said as essentially im grieving for someone i never met, never knew i grieve for what should have been what im missing but you have your memories and the pain of the person not being there anymore 💔 i found trauma therapy has helped me although its been mainly around the birth im having EMDR but the main point in this is i went to support groups. Our local one is ran by SANDS and they do it in person and also link in online during baby loss awareness week i attended events being with other. People who had experienced the same type of loss helped me so much all our stories were different but we all lost a child and that was a profound connection so i would certainly advocate for support groups if you can face it. Im also looking at fundraising to give me some focus.
You are stronger than you know and so brave sharing it with the world ❤
I’m so devastated to hear your baby was born sleeping, it’s the cruelest tragedy. Thank you for your wisdom on support groups, I will really try to joint one face to face as feel it will help me so much xxxx
All grief is individual. Not everyone can push through it and especially not everyday. Sit in it when you need to and if that's all you can do that day, then that's OK. I'm still in the first year of losing my grandpa and the smallest thing can make me think of him and cry. I also just went through my first birthday without him last month and it hit me the day before though I tried to keep it in due to coming home from my cousin's wedding at the time. Thankfully I took my birthday off of work, so I didn't have to push through it that day. With Thanksgiving (US), Christmas and his birthday in January coming up, I know my personal belief in God will help me find the space to grieve and not feel overwhelmed by it all somehow. I'm thankful you found something that helps you. It's a process for a reason. We constantly have to process it or end up overwhelmed by it and some days are harder than others to do so. Praying for you as we both go through our grief in our own ways together. Love and hugs.
Sending you lots of love and strength.
I was fortunate enough to have my last grandparent longer than I had my father. Sadly she passed after a fourth cancer diagnosis a week after my birthday 6 years ago.
You are absolutely right in that grief is an ever evolving thing that we somehow navigate. Somehow you do eventually find a “new normal” and the things that once made you unbearably sad will eventually raise a smile again
Wishing you well
Love and Hugs to you too; it’s impossible to characterise a loss and who that person is to you, sometimes it’s even a stranger on the internet and it hits hard or it’s the person you’re closest to in the world. I’m so happy you have a faith; it’s so comforting. While not easy xxxxxxxxxxxx
Dearest SJ 🌹
Thank you for this video. I lost my sister almost 20yrs ago & it still hurts really bad sometimes. We were extremely close & I felt lost when she passed. Siblings grief is so poorly understood. My sister was the most healthy in our family & yet she was ill for only 3 days & passed. I remember hating on my brother's voice for years after because he was the one who had to tell me of her passing. I have less darker days because her only daughter is an amazing support to me. She was only 17 when my sister died. I honestly cannot even remember how she coped those earlier days because I was drowning in my own grief.
Oh I’m so so sorry; it’s a trauma even more when it’s so fast. There’s so much life you don’t get together; I totally understand and feel your pain. Thanks so much for sharing and it helps so much as sibling grief is one that doesn’t get talked about as much x
Your bond with your sister was amazing. So sorry for your loss. She will live in your heart forever xx❤
@@sharonsalmon8662 🌹❤️
@@SJ_Strum 🌹🌻❤️
You may know this already but if you don't know, you could look at the Khuber-Ross stages of grief, you will understand better but they do not happen in the expected order and it may be more complex due to her being young and dying of cancer but you supported her perfectly.
I have nothing to add to the beautiful comments already on this video, but just wanted to thank you for filming this, and to send you love xxx
Thank you so much; the comments here are so amazingly helpful to me and hopefully lots of other people. The best side of social media x
May you be greatly comforted. We see your raft, we're waving, I hope you can see us from there and feel our love and sympathy. You will reach the shore of your new normal, with all your love for her intact, but able to go on peacefully xx
Thank you so much for your lovely lovely words ❤❤❤
Amazing video SJ you will help so many, I think of your lovely Naomi so often, it is so cruel she’s gone but her love lives on through her amazing family xx
Yes her love will always live on; that’s such a special way to think of it xxx
I bet it was hard to edit this video….someone told me that grief is always with you, you just grow round it like a tree grows round a wound. My grief is precious to me not crushing anyone, I see it as the price of the depth of that love. Though you might feel it’s a cliche just do simple things put one foot in front of the other and breathe, that’s enough. Xxxx
I LOVE that so much xxxxx
Please refrain from judgement, I have tremendous guilt.
I found out that my grandmother, “Nanny”, had Dementia in January 2020.
I unfortunately haven’t seen her since Feb 2020.
I had a lot going on personally (leaving DV, being homeless, being abused and neglected by family…. Etc.
Eventually, I started to process her loss eventually, I still don’t know whether she’s passed, and I miss her, but I coped with this grief by thinking of her before her illness. Accepting that when she pass(es/ed), she’s no longer in pain.
It sounds so abandoning on my part, but I just cannot conceive of her ailed and changed the way dementia changes you.
I want to remember her exactly as she was.
I now try to do things that remind me of her, whether that’s eating food she used to cook me, hugging the bear she got me from when I was born, if I smell something that reminds me of her, it makes me feel happy.
I’m not naive, I know the grief will hurt and be painful etc but what I’ve done so far has really hoped process her death.
If I’m honest, the grief started as soon as I found out, that was my fresh grief, but her actually passing doesn’t seem quite so scary because I know she’s no longer in pain.
It’s totally totally understandable and the fact you worry about it shows how much you care. Translate your worry into love - it transcends distance and you should be proud when you think of her that it’s with so much affection and genuine feeling xxxxx
Hello SJ. Thank you for sharing this. My daughter just lost her fiancé to cancer, he was 44. My daughter is 33 and this process is so hard. I keep trying to find things to help her cope since she is so lost without him.
Oh no; I can’t believe she lost her fiancé. Such a painful time to lose someone so special; sending love to her and you all and his family xxxx
My nana passed away after a very short and brutal 2 month battle with lung cancer this past April. The diagnosis was SO sudden, and the anticipatory grief was just as devastating and brutal as the grief has been since she passed. I did the same and spent as much time as humanly possible with her before she passed. Her and my youngest son who is only 1, were best friends, I always joke that I birthed that baby for her 😂 and i also wanted them to have as much time together as possible. 6 weeks later my uncle (her son) suddenly passed away from bacterial meningitis. It has really thrown us all for a loop. We were all SO close, i we grew up living together, my nana and mom lived together 8 minutes away from my husband, kids, and I. We were together all of the time and spoke every day. This video and simultaneously going through this with your videos has been very helpful for what I am feeling, seeing someone sort of in the same, sad, experience as I am. Thank you for being so open and sharing your grief journey with us! ❤️
I’m so sorry we bonded through grief; but so happy we can support each other. It’s so sad they didn’t have more time together but how lovely she met him and I’m sure it was the most special bond for them both x
A few years before losing Miguel I lost my besutiful mum to pancreatic cancer. The pain literally made me howel. I also rang the Samarans and found them unhelpful. Time has helped me to live with the pain 💔 but it's soooooo hard at times. Big hugs xxxxxxxx😊
I love that you mention howeling; it’s just so raw and too much for our bodies to bare. I’m so sorry you e been through this too - I know my friend who works for the Samaritans said they get a lot of grief calls so would be interesting to try again and see if it helps….. I didn’t find it helpful so was a bit gutted in that moment x
Grief 🥹 is a pain in the gut and process we have to go through I lost my dad it was the hardest thing ever in my life my friend lost her 22 year old son on Christmas Day 2 years ago this Christmas and tells me often she can’t wait to die so she can stop the pain and fear every day. Everyone copes differently Sending you a big hug sj your sister truly loved you so much and always remember we are energy and can never leave the planet so we are always around xxx❤
It’s an unbearable pain; and like you say, so physical. Naomi loved me so much, it’s a grief for her and also you’re right, a grief for that love I had which was the one person I knew loved me enough to move mountains. I miss that feeling too. Xxxx
Fuck Cancer. You had such a beautiful sister.
The relationship you guys had was so unique and special.
I have two sisters, and could only dream of being that close to them.
You had a once in a lifetime relationship that nothing or no one can replace, and the pain that you feel established how much you loved her, and how that bond is so hard to break, even though she is gone.
I don’t know if that all makes sense, but you didn’t just lose somebody. Your heart got completely broken. It’s not my loss but I’m mad it happened to you & her. You too were so beautiful together.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry for your pain and I pray God surround you with love and comfort in these difficult times.
Thank you for sharing your story. Plz hang in there.
Completely a stranger who loves your baby name videos, and has been following your journey about your sister.
Thank you so so much x
I lost my only sister Karen five months ago the emotions you go through is overwhelming. I've done things never done before. My sister lost her husband after two years when my nephew was one. Karen had recently become a grandma when I hold my great nephew I feel her so close. I feel odd not having a sister feel something missing. Trying to support my mum and dad all the family my children my nephew so have to allow sometime for my grief as try to be strong for everyone. The funeral was beautiful and perfect for my sister everyone said the same Karen had written alot of things down about her funeral although it was sudden I feel after going through major heart surgery last year prompted this. Karen now laid to rest with her late husband her wishes some comfort to be has there. Thank you and sending love to you grief never goes away it brings weird and wonderful things unexpected sometimes. Her birthday 5th November we are having a sparkler tribute to her. Xx
That sparkler tribute sounds incredible; I’ll think of her too. Sending so much love, it’s unreal to read all the stories here and I’m so grateful for your message x
Really helpful! You’re doing so well. You had lost one of the closest person to you in am nearly 2 years into grief I don’t think it gets any easier 😢you miss them more and more everyday 😢 but this is my experience
Sending love xxxx
I know other comments here people are saying the second year is harder; we don’t know what’s ahead….I’m so glad we have this community and I’m here always x
@@SJ_Strum we really don’t know what is ahead but i personally can never see this pain getting easier just learn to carry on living my life around it! My heart aches more as time passes. I cry less but it comes back in waves one min i think i am okay a week or few days later boom 💥 it starts all over again spend my time wishing i could travel back in time. I can’t so i have to hold onto all the memories i have the little signs my Nan sends me her voice i hear when i light a candle 🕯️ she banned them lol 😂 just the little things xx
I'm not sure if you're going to see this because I'm a bit late to the video but I heard you saying you were prescribed with Sertraline and that you were struggling a bit. It was my first anti-depressant, and I had exactly the same thing for 6 weeks when I first started taking it. Every day I needed a nap just to get through, but my doctor insisted that I stick with it for 6-8 weeks, even though I felt dreadful and he was right. After the 6 week point I woke up and it was like a switch flicked and I just felt so much better.
Now I take something else but I'm so glad that they encouraged me to stick it out and that I'm monitored properly while taking them.
The side effects do ease up with time, but they also recommended both therapy and medication because otherwise you can get reliant on tablets. I started going to support groups in town and NHS therapy and highly recommend both. The support groups especially help because it's just that time every week where you can sit with people who get it, and then I do my own therapy as well (i think CBT is the most common). if you're not currently looking at those sorts of things, definitely check them out 😊
This is so so helpful; I’m really looking for a local bereavement group. I haven’t found one yet but will keep trying and will push through and see how I go on the anti depressants/ I know I need them at the moment. Thanks for the best advice x
Thank you for sharing. Just passed 1 year since my sister died, it’s still so hard but I’m also coping (not brilliantly 🫤) . Sending love xx
We're in it together, such humungous and inexplicable loss xxxxx
Thank you for sharing such an important topic! 💛
Thank you for making this video SJ.
Hello. You are doing brilliantly. Love and hugs, dont stop being you. xx
Wow this is amazing SJ it will be a support to so many and that's what I admired so much in you and your lovely sister - even in pain you wanted to help others and raise awareness. I need to have one of my famous rants about why this kind of thing isn't discussed in school?! I went through a horrendous grief and it struck me that being prepared for some of it even in a basic language that kids/teenagers can understand (body sensations could change eg the acid tears) is a huge resource and would've been a lot less scary for me at least. My experience was that I felt the overwhelming sense that I myself was going to die from the grief so a big comfort would've been to know that all these things are to be expected and skills to self-regulate xxx
Omg I’ve felt and often feel that I’m going to die of grief!!!! I didn’t mention it as it feels selfish in a way - especially that I’m not her child or partner - but i will never be the same again and will always grieve the life I would have had had she lived. School luckily have been amazing for her girls; they’ve had the hospice in for training and their teachers and head came to the funeral. It’s such a taboo topic still; maybe due to religious beliefs about the afterlife but whatever we believe we all feel loss the same xxxxx
Beautiful video ❤. My heart goes out to you and your family.
I was on zoloft/serterline for prenatal and post natal depression. I also described it as still being sad at times but not going through the floor. Like I did when i wasnt on it. Where the sadness was just so intense I couldn't control it took hold of my life.
Yes I feel that so much; going through the floor is so true. I did start to take it every other day when I felt so frustrated with the tiredness but I immediately felt the panic and inability to focus on a day at a time. We should be grateful it’s an option I think and you made me realise I need it and should keep going for now. Thank you xxxx
@SJ_Strum xxx after 18 months I was able to come off it. I hope it's the same for you and this storm shall pass 🩷.
I lost my sister In a car accident 3 years ago, its her birthday in 2 days, she would have been 34. She was and still is my other sister and mines soul mate. I used to say god split one soul into three hearts. It's comforting to hear about another sister grieving her sister. I often felt as a sibling no one understood how traumatic it is to lose someone you thought you would spend your whole life growing up with. In an alternate universe I get to grow old with her. Her name was Gwendolyn
What a beautiful name - I truly know me and sister felt like two halves of the same soul so I totally understand your loss. Have you watched the movie Inside Out? The Pixar one - it’s like all those memories get touched by sadness of my whole childhood so we lose so so much when it’s a sibling as we truly don’t know life without them. Even their spouce or parents had some before - just us siblings and their children feel that way. I still daily go to ring or text her; there’s a missing part of my soul who knew me deeper than anyone else ever will. It’s a complex loss isn’t it xxx
I’ve never experienced grief, I’m 32 and my finances dad recently passed away also from cancer I’ve never been so close to grief seeing people go through it being in the main car at the funeral but not feeling the pain myself but the pain of seeing them grieve it I felt selfish to cry but I also felt like I wouldn’t cope and now I’ve got like anticipatory anxiety grief for my family who aren’t dying or even sick!? like I cry for them at just the thought of it. I’m a very emotional and empathetic person and it was so painful for me to see my partner loose his dad and his mom loose her husband and I was being there for them it’s made me so scared to loose anyone because I don’t know how it will feel. I find death so scary actually I’m not sure where that comes from maybe because I haven’t experienced it directly , I watched your sister from the beginning and I cried for her and for you I think I maybe watch things like to subconsciously to prepare myself incase anything does happen but I suppose you can’t really prepare for greif until you live through it I just think you’re so incredibly strong and such a kind soul ❤ I think maybe it should be something talked about more in schools etc but thank you for making a video like this it will give so much comfort to people to not feel alone xxxxxx
I understand totally - I’m a empath too and it’s so confronting. Please don’t live in fear of it; it’s hard for me at times that my husbands family haven’t been through it and I find their family times harder as I feel so angry or upset that my family isn’t the same anymore. But I know that your empathy will be so appreciated; I always try not to say “I can’t imagine…” and instead say “I can imagine this feels like….” As otherwise it’s so much more isolating xxxxx sending so so much love to you and just the fact you watched this; shows how much you care xxxx
Thank you for making this video ❤
I would enjoy a video where you talk more in depth about the medication- as much as you feel comfortable with of course. Thank you for sharing all of this!
Yes I will xxx
Watched until the end. You will help so many people with this video so a heartfelt thank you.
Sending you lots of love and keeping you in my thoughts ❤ 💗 ❤ xxx
Thank you ❤❤❤ not a Good Friday night one but we lost a close person to my sister this week and I felt strong enough to say something. Thanks so much for watching and especially messaging; xxxxxxx
@@SJ_Strum oh my goodness, I'm so sorry. That must be very hard for you. You should be so proud of yourself for being strong enough to do this. I'm certainly very proud of you for thinking of others when you didn't have to 💜
I remember my GP saying years ago that when you're depressed you can't cope with anything. All the everyday things are impossible tasks and that antidepressants just put the Teflon coating back on you, so all the mud doesn't stick. I've always remembered that and it's over twenty years since I was sat in his office that day.
Lots of love to you and gentle hugs 💜💘🫂 xxxx
Sending hugs. I have been there……I still struggle with life….. 😢
😔
You are doing and have done her proud.
Such an important conversation. Thank you.
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I lost my sister just over a year ago so I know what you’re going through. It was a sudden death though so we didn’t get to say goodbye. X
That’s so tragic and devastating. I can imagine this was hard to watch as well so I appreciate your message. Sudden loss is such an unreal experience and even more than me you must go to pick up the phone; I hope you’ve found some healing practises that help you. Sending so so much love x
I think you may have a degree of PTSD when you kept visiting the room she died in in your mind. That may have stopped happening now but if you keep feeling the same, then I would explore the possibility of PTSD. Hypnotherapy would be very good to help you to move into the next stage of grief but it may do this on its own. It will last about 2 years but always be there but it will not stay the same and of course gets less. You are probably also exhausted and getting some rest and being on the sofa could be good. A grief group could be good and you seem to be drawn to this.
You should look into EMDR, it has helped me massively and it's supposedly one of the most effective therapies for traumas (of which grief is) ❤
Okay! I’ll look at it- I think my sisters friend mentioned that too - thank you x
SJ, had you spoken to Naomi about how you were going to feel after she had gone? If not, I wonder what she would have said to you.
Naomi was such a smart, thoughtful, mature for her age young lady, and seeing how very much she loved you, I’m certain that she would have had some mind blowing pearls of wisdom to give to you to help you to carry on.
It is awful that the lovely Naomi has gone so soon and it makes me very angry that she had to leave her girls behind. Have you spoken to the girls about their coping? Young people often have imaginative ways to get through grief, it may help you all to discuss it.
All best SJ. Hopefully putting up the Christmas stockings will give you some respite.
Bless you all. H. x
We didn’t in the end; we spoke about everyone else. But funnily enough friends have come forward with her words she told them about - how she wanted them to keep looking out for me. And they do. It’s unreal she did that for me; she told them all sorts of worries she had for me and they were all accurate I would say, we just knew we would not be able to say goodbye. Thanks for asking this; it made me remember she did that xxxxx
@@SJ_Strum
Naomi and you have a bond that can’t ever be broken. That makes me so happy.
I am sos is sorry for your great loss. Can I ask how is your parents, nieces and brother in law doing? Your beautiful sister was so young . Xx
We’re all in different phases; supporting each other and spending as much time as we can together. The girls are incredible and so little Naomi’s ❤ x
@@SJ_Strum that is good to hear. The girls are very lucky to have such a fantastic aunt and I am sure that gave Naomi such comfort to know they were going to be so well loved and cared for by their family. Mind yourself. These months coming up to Christmas can be challenging xxxx
I still think about you often 💙
Your sister also, ofc ❤
May God help you to heal.❤
I think i was in anticipatory grief even before my mum died, she died suddenly but i remember waking up with panics that she would die it was horrible.
It’s horrible; first I tried a cbd oil at bedtime and found it very very helpful. Xxxx
I had this exact thing with my dad. He died suddenly from a heart attack at 57 in 2010. I didn’t know it at the time, but the month leading up to it I would wake up almost every night having a panic attack that he would die.
After he passed I also had the same dream of him for weeks (I never normally remember dreams). In this dream we were all at his parents home and he would always be leaving/saying goodbye to me.
Strange as that was, it was a huge comfort because it felt like we got to say the goodbye we didn’t get in the waking world
He'll thank you
My mum died with cancer in August 19th this year ,she had two different cancers over eightyears and it spread her bowel. Lungs ,it just happened so fast she died in hospital and I got diagnosed with breast cancer in 22 August with stage 3 grade 3 in the same hospital ,it happened in 31 July had appointment,then rushed for two mammogram s and lots biopsy s ,all I could I think of my mum is upstairs dying and my adult son how is 28 waiting for my ,I just don't feel anything ,some days I have moment xxx
It’s so awful to hear this; I’m so sorry and angry this has happened to such an undeserving family. I know you’re being told that your mindset is important and that’s likely impossible in this situation; sometimes fighting is just showing up and spreading your experience will be so so helpful for people. We had similar; my dad was diagnosed with cancer, shortly after my granny moved into a hospice then naomi was diagnosed with cancer - all in 3 months and it was like the world was cancer suddenly. I hope your treatment is working and I’m sending healing your way. Xxxxxx
Just want to send you a hug xx
I just want to hug you real tight, SJ
Would you consider the Emotional Freedom Technique? Or, perhaps, hypnosis. I am qualified in both and they can work well with grief and you do not have to talk so much. What you are sharing is shock and trauma which is inevitably going to be worse with such a young person. Bach rescue remedies can be good for grief too.
I’ve been leaning towards hypnosis a lot; naomi found it very useful and asked me to try. I’d love to learn more about it x
Hi S J I am qualified in both but there are plenty of others out there or I could explain to you what happens in hypnosis. @@SJ_Strum
I used to be upset seeing other peoples babies ........... but now I think its not their baby I want
Very true 😔
I don’t believe you will be in this same place a year from now or even 6 months from now - at least not every day.
This video will be helpful to so many people. It hope it was helpful to you to share it.
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It is different for everyone, of course. But I agree that time does heal to a certain extent. A new normal does develop eventually
I hope not; thanks so much for saying that and sending a message xxxxxxx
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