why am I afraid to be happy? kati unfiltered...
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ก.ย. 2024
- I often ask myself, am I afraid to be happy? And the truth is sometimes I am. And I think many people are. We may think we're not worthy of happiness, we don't know how to find happiness, what does happiness look like in our life, happiness versus joy, or simply... we may not know how to break the patterns. In this video, I talk about my journey in finding how to be happy in life, and how I handle set backs. Can you relate? Let me know in the comments.
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I definitely relate to the “when will the other shoe drop?” My childhood was always living on edge , walking on eggshells shells..few years went by I got older and I met my bf at 19 and I moved in with him , he is the best thing that’s ever happened to me (: he treats me so well and I wasn’t used to that at first. I’m so used to being yelled at , manipulated , guilt tripped etc.
Omggg I feel you😭🤍
Same exact story for me. Learning to be comfortable in discomfort
I too can so relate to that I'm the youngest out of six kids I have four older brothers and one sister and I have one brother who is very violent growing up and at 4 years old he has this grin when he's angry and I thought he was being funny and I was kind of running from him and he was getting madder and madder but smiling more and more and when he finally caught me I was thrown into a wall so at that moment I learned that it is not okay to be happy and happiness means harm so I am very uncomfortable with happiness
Same here I feel that if something good happens then something bad will happen to balance it out.
Same here, currently moving in with the love of my life and I’m getting therapy for the trauma!
As an extremely lonely, socially isolated 35 year old woman I wish I could give you a hug and be your friend. Your videos help me realize my feelings are okay I'm not so alone.
Sending you a hug! Hope it makes you a little less lonely 🙂❤️
Dropping by to say hello too I feel the same way ❤️ from one lonely person to another, hello 👋
Socially isolated? ...that sounds so bizarre and unreal to me.
Im 33 and I understand...just wanted you to know you're not alone
You would like a hug.
Don't displace that need onto someone else so you can feel safe to "get a hug out of it."
That would be lacklustre in emotional satisfaction, and you would probably end up feeling gross for asking, and, whatever yucky, boundary blending hug you would get out of it would not be worth it.
You want a genuinely shared hug.
You are saying you want to give a hug to be safe.
But it comes across as creepy because it isn't your true desire.
You want to be cared for, thought fondly of, and to be wanted and included by others.
Not to serve them in order to receive affection.
Just ask for a hug.
In a genuine, earnest way, to a healthy person in your life, you will receive one.
Then you need to let their affection be felt by you in the measure they give it.
Not in the amount you wish for so much.
The former scenario is reality.
The latter is desperate energy.
Only one can be the ground upon which a foundation of trust can even dream of being built.
And, if there is no immediate "result" from this genuinely shared event of mutual affection, ie if it is a mere hug and that is all, no friendship ensues,
Don't sweat it.
I know that is hard, but don't sweat it.
Nothing positive will come from pumping negative energies of hope and resentment and saddness into this person's realm.
Im afraid of not being happy in the rest of my life. So i keep worrying about "searching" for a happy life. Im obsessed with trying to not make the wrong choices or carreer path.
I totally know what you mean.. it can lead to a lot of worry about whether or not we are making the right decisions for our future. xoxo
Please don't do what I did. I thought I chose the right career path, but I made a mistake, it was not good for me. I have spent 8 years searching for something that is a better fit for my skills and needs. What I have learnt is that it's so important to try something on a simple small scale. If it doesn't feel aligned to me, decide early on, change and try something else. Don't waste time letting things drag on. Set a timescale for trying things. Even if you find what you don't like, it is information for you. Life is short, remember that when we die, as we all will, life doesn't stop, it continues without us. In your time, what do you want to achieve, to leave as memories for others?
Because the cycle of being scared to make the "wrong" choice can leave us as a default with making no choice. And the status quo is what we are left with.
@@Jo-whoknowshowmany how did you find what you enjoy, I'm doing my final year in a financr degree, nd i just don't think i want to pursue this after, i don't even know where to begin to look for what i should pursue
We as people are emotional creatures. We act based off how we feel and can tend to be nervous or anxious with things such as people places and certain situations with things that are unfamiliar with . Previous events also shape how we react to new or similar things happening.
Totally agree! xox
@@Katimorton disliked the video because there was a black girl in the ad before the video. do a better job
@@JoeBidenIsMyDaddy I don't think TH-cam creators get much choice on what adverts get added to their videos to be honest.. but I don't understand what the issue is ?
@@JoeBidenIsMyDaddy wtf
"We as people are emotional creatures."
I am not emotional, nor am I a creature: we evolved; we were not "created."
People tend to remember and feel a loss much more than a gain. So while finding happiness is great, the fear of losing it can interfere with your ability to get or stay in that state of mind.
True happiness is SHOWING SELF-RESPECT, SELF- Caring. Safety, contentment. Satisfaction, satisfied. CALM. SECURITY!!! IS HAPPINESS 😊😊😊💛💛💛💛👍👍👍👍👍
This is exactly where I'm at right now, I've been in a little of a rut this last couple of weeks and yesterday I suddenly woke up and felt alright. All of today and yesterday I've been walking around thinking "when will I feel bad again?" And almost wishing I could 'cuz I know how it feels to be down and I know how to handle those emotions but feeling excited and happy is not something I'm used to. Therefore I feel scared to be happy - It's weird to explain it to other people so I never talk about it which is why I loved hearing someone else mention it in this video♥️
Oh my gawshh i completely get this😭 this happiness is like a foreign emotion, i feel so alienated from it
I hope we both one day can get used to happiness♥️
be happy you wrote a book because there are loads of writers out there who can’t get a single book out because of this exact pattern you’re talking about or because they have writers block-indeed pertaining to this very pattern. so yes, please accept praise for that and be proud of what you accomplished.
for me, this very same pattern of the inner self-destructive mentally lies deep inside. it’s something i’ve tried to break my whole life; so, it’s nice to hear someone talk about it, thank you.
I'm honestly no longer afraid to be happy, but the relationships that I have, that mean the most and I am responsible for keep me in a constant state of being stuck or settling. An that's where my dilemma lies: trying to figure out a medium where those most important to me won't have to suffer because what makes me happy will uproot them and make them uncomfortable and possibly very unhappy.
Every time I have been happy and feeling joyous, someone comes along and snuffs it out. So, I def. hide my happiness from others, including family.
Kati thank you for being amazing and so real and honest with us
Of course!!! I hope it's helpful :) xoxo
We have to recognize our value first. It's hard when we are "othered" and neglected in so many ways. You are valid, and your value is insurmountable. That's for everyone. You all matter. Ty for covering this.
this is so true and i feel my experience and emotions represented and articulated extremely accurately. thank you for putting this out there! i dont think this could have been composed any better.
Whenever I feel happy I remember that life might just piss in my face again and that i have no control over that happening, It's a terrible feeling, and it always makes you depressed so you can keep your guard up, I hate it alot, and what I hate even more is once again is that I have no control over said feeling.
Kati, you've helped me so much on my mental health journey. Thank you for providing us with your own struggles, makes me feel less alone.
That is me in a nutshell. My therapists have always asked why I'm so afraid to be happy? I grew up in a toxic childhood, not that it's a excuse but it shows the pattern that I'm so familiar with. I don't want to be happy because every time I've done that something awful happened. It takes a toll on your mind and body. I would love to not have constant battles in my head yet that's what I'm used to. I wouldn't wish this on anyone
All I could say while watching was ‘f* yes; EXACTLY.”
The self sabotage can be extremely intense and it’s nice to think of why and know you’re not the only one. 👍
Thank you for making this video. It is weird to say that you are afraid to be happy, sounds odd but I experience it a lot, and I have a lot of self sabotaging behaviors that ruin everything that I want. And even though I feel very depressed, sometimes I feel more comfortable there because is all that I know. In my case I think that I’m afraid to be happy because I don’t think I deserve it, or I am good enough for it. Glad to know what you think about it.
Feelings of happiness, success, and contentment are triggers for my stress response. It's crazy. Then I start to look for things that are wrong and I don't let myself just feel good.
I needed this today, thank you Katie.
Of course :) xoxo
I just love this channel I find it very informative, I’ve been watching your videos for a few weeks now and I’ve learned a lot about why I feel the way I do on a day to day basis. Keep it up
Happiness is an emotion, just like sadness, joy, bliss, guilt, excitement, anxiety, depression, etc. I wouldn't chase happiness......just like I wouldn't chase depression.
I think sometimes what's behind cherophobia is the notion that 'what goes up must come down', and that if you just 'stay down' then the fall from grace won't be so dramatic. I think it is often based in childhood trauma, because children are naturally joyful and they experience this 'fall from grace' over and over again (especially if living in stressful/abusive conditions), so by the time we are adults we've learnt/conditioned ourselves to 'stay down'/not let the joy flow unbridled, so that we don't feel that "fall from grace" or "comedown" as intensely as we did as children, when it really crushed our spirit.
Great point…I feel danger lurking around the corner when something good happens. Like “not so fast Mr.”.
You are a great therapist because you allow others to see your pain, we can relate. You are able to provide your not only your experience as well as empirical information to help us all.
Every time I’ve been happy I had to wait for the second shoe to drop.
This is so me ! After 29/43 years of feeling bad it feels so foreign to feel happy or get any praise . I totally self sabotage myself or down play or wait for the bad thing to come soon after a good thing .ughhh
This is exactly how I am feeling at the moment. I'm just finishing my second year of Law School and that stress, plus my father had a heart attack a few weeks ago, my wife and I had to say good bye to our 15 year old pug a little bit ago, all of the collective trauma going on in the world right now, and worst of all I lost two very dear friendships recently, I'm not sure if they can be mended. My self esteem and self worth have taken a pretty big hit. Sometimes it can be difficult just to keep it together.
The way I like to phrase it for myself is that my Mind and my Heart have a very clear agreement to disagree with the other doing what it does best.
I love that! Thank you so much for sharing!! xoxo
@@Katimorton of course 😊 the least we can do is share our insights with each other. Thank you for all your content and your openness.
I feel that all the time. When I spend time with my family I can't feel happy because I know someone could die at any moment.
When I remember myself while feeling happy that's when the waiting for the other shoe to drop thing takes over. Other times, I won't be able to relax enough to feel the happy.
It's very similar to being afraid to succeed.
I think in my case it comes from that fight or flight cycle that we can get stuck in, because we aren't sure that it's ok to put our guard down yet.
At the same time, if you were the cause of pain and suffering of someone else, you can stay in that self-sabotaging cycle because you think you're a bad person at the core and that if you allow yourself to feel positive emotions, you might hurt someone again becauae you let your guard down. You are bad, so you don't deserve to feel good things.
Thank you for sharing! You put it in a very clear way, and I am so grateful for co-thinking. :) It is definitely about the boundaries for me. Whenever I would laugh out loud as a child, my father would say that laughing is a sign of an idiot. Whenever I would show my creative works, he would say something critical, and disregard that as children we learn, we can't possibly be perfect with our first creative works. Lots and lots of traumatic moments related to just being me. And obviously, there is a whole system of beliefs concerning how being me and being creative and being happy can lead to something bad. I am working with those beliefs and fixing the fear of abandonment and shame.
Sometimes I feel I rely on others and "Things" to make me happy, which can set my self up for disappointment, when the desired effect isn't reached, in turn can create a bias and shielding from trying and avoiding others in order not to experience the same failure.
Yes! Omg that is so common, but knowing we are doing it is often the hardest part! So at least you are aware, and I hope you can find a therapist to help you work through it. xoxo
@@Katimorton I don't trust therapist, but I wouldn't say I suffer.
All of this makes sense to me, its been my entire life. Therapy is saving my life, I love your videos, you have given me alot of insight into understanding things a little bit more.
It’s so healing seeing you as a professional also share your struggles with this topic. Thankyou
Great topic!
Four other perspectives:
1. Unhappiness is a defense against the realization that things could change back to pain (of some kind)-as they will eventually because everything ends. That’s why we don’t want “to let our unhappiness guard down.”
2. Happiness is a state of personal responsibility. I can’t think of myself as a victim when I am happy. [Feeling free is the same.] Feeling like a victim can actually feel safe because, like you said, it’s familiar-to most people.
3. Our minds are dualistic in nature, so “if I am happy and not a victim, then I could be a victimizer?” We don’t even want to entertain this thought, although it’s always lingering deep in our minds.
4. Ultimately it’s all about control. Life is constantly changing and so are our thoughts and feelings. Change is difficult but we feel we can deal with it better if we can have total control over what we feel (and the change process.). We don’t know how to make sure we are happy all the time; we know we can’t always control the changes of life, but we can certainly make sure we are unhappy all the time! Being unhappy gives us the greatest control over our feelings.
So, it seems the solution is to be happy when we are happy, sad when we are sad; etc. and learn to accept life as it is at any given moment. I know, I know, much easier said than done. But that’s the type of emotional flexibility we want to aim for in psychotherapy-or through a spiritual practice.
Dear Kati, I hope you are feeling better. Thank you for your honest and insightful videos. They help me with my studying. I think that you are one of the rare people who really understand SEMH difficulties. Keep going and continue spreading the knowledge. I truely think it is a gift you have and only a few people possess it. Be proud! Thank you
This whole video made so much sense and I related to so much of it. I struggle with both fear or happiness caused my the thought that something bad will follow. As well as feel I’m not worthy of happiness. Both come up often in therapy and I feel are significant barriers to my healing process.
I have this exact response to happiness. Happy can be taken away, so it's scary. The contrast of being happy and then losing it is far more painful than just accepting a constant state of yuck. You can't lose anything if you have nothing. I feel this way about people being nice too... like "what are you up to? What's the end game here?" Oddly, I sorta prefer people who aren't good to me because I can trust that what I see is what I get.
Oh this video is everything. I have a heavily critical voice that never fully seats in my accomplishments. I quickly search for the next thing to be anxious about. So what l do these days is a lot of positive self talk. I am doing well. I am doing the best i can. I celebrate my accomplishments. I did well today. Basically continously using that positive voice on a loop to drown out the neurotic anxious voice that is scared.
So real, so courageous. Thank you Kati
For me it's not so much expecting a bad thing to happen as soon as I'm happy, but moreso needing extra outside confirmation that it's okay to be feeling what I'm feeling; expecting a scolding or somesuch, and when nothing happens I just go into a downward spiral of overthinking and trivialization instead of just feeling the nice thing. This was a nice video, thanks.
Hormonal RUSH at first!!! High feeling!!!, Strengthened, feels RIGHT!!! 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆
I totally identify with this subject. I have a trauma and neglect background and OSDS and it feels like if I am doing well or things are calm then I am somehow betraying someone. Not sure who I would be betraying or why but that’s exactly how it feels. Thanks for sharing this subject today.
I really like your videos Kati! And you are so great and have an outgoing energy to you!
Also, thanks for this video. This is not a topic that people usually speak on like this, because nobody wants to be known as the person who fears being happy, but this acknowledgment may be the first step.
Yes, this makes total sense. I'm so thankful you put it to words
I definitely feel like it’s a bit of everything (for me ) the charophobia, anxiety, and stress of the thought of actually letting your guard down and falling for love. Or the daunting mental play back of it all crashing down and you being left alone to pick up the pieces. Or also the creeping thought of having a “back up plan” even if the person has all the qualities and desires you do either similarly or indifferent.
Trying to be happy or loved is so overwhelming. It seems that when I feel loved it happy I get taken advantage of. Anyone else feel this?
I completely relate to all of this!! Especially waiting for the other shoe to drop and feeling uncomfortable meeting someone after abusive relationships that are “normal”
For some reason, I purposefully remained in a relationship that was healthy but did not give me that excitement. I thought to myself, why am I feeling unsure or uncomfortable about this relationship?, I'm having a lot of fun! Part of me was thinking I should stay because everything about it was good. I think I still struggle to believe that the relationship will prevail and I should just learn to enjoy the healthy relationship and stop worrying that it will suddenly end. I had to actively put work into trusting in a good thing.
For me is the fear something bad will happen if I’m happy. If I have a great day with my family, for example, this fear kicks in right away. The thought pattern is something like “I’m happy, but this will end. Something will take these moments away from me”.
„I am afraid bc i am so happy. That means it only gets worse.“ - my thoughts when i am finally happy
Yep. Always been this way for me. Afraid of feeling happy, safe, connected. My brain shuts it down, because it will just get ripped away from me. :/
I have been thinking about this topic for some time now. I don't trust 'happiness'. Something bad does always happen soon afterwards. Like I cursed myself by allowing happiness in. Then there's the 'I don't deserve to be happy' that nags me constantly. It's like...I know pain and sadness, intimately. Happiness is a stranger trying to give me candy, but it's going to hurt me badly in the near future, so I want nothing to do with it. Going from sad, to happy, to sad is a lot of change for me to deal with. I don't do well with change! Also, happiness gives me false hope that maybe I'll be able to stay happy. But along comes something horrifying and I crash and burn.
So glad you made this video, Kati. I really related to everything you said. I thought I was the only one to feel this way!!
My mom is like this. She’s Brazilian and had a tough life when raising my sister and I, and now that we have a better life it costs her a lot to accept the happiness and the comfort. This really hurts me, I wish she could see life like I see.
This definitely resonates with me. but I guess more than being scared of being happy,it's that we try to avoid being OVERWHELMED with happiness. In other words avoiding extremes. This I think is an adaptive mechanism to avoid dealing with emotional rollercoasters. Because usually good times and bad times come in turns.
Thanks for addressing this. I thought I was the only one who experienced this.
There really is something to this. I have been studying mindfulness very heavily lately. I found the word ,Cherophobia, after my wife hinted to me that I avoid happy moments with the family. Not only that, she noticed a pattern that I am happy when the family is in a bad mood and I am frustrated or angry when the rest of the family is happy. After a lot of thinking about it, finally figured out that it comes from childhood trauma. When I would, as a kid, get really excited, my parents, teachers, baby sitters, couldn't handle me so they grabbed me by the arm and did that 'whisper yelling' in the ear or sometimes reprimanding in public to knock it off or get whooped, settle down or be grounded, calm down and learn my place. So why be happy if you are going to get your destroyed for being excited or happy? Got a lot of work to do. I wear a sweatband everyday as a reminder that it is okay to be happy. I touch the headband when I feel like I am falling into the phobia. decades of trauma responses. I just want to say to the readers, "IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT... YOU ARE A GREAT PERSON JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, RIGHT NOW"
I'm glad to know that I'm not alone with this.
Everything you said 100% resonated. Please discuss this matter more. Please provide solutions. This matter deserves at least 5 videos.
4:46 yes! That is it! For me, that's why I am afraid to be Happy, when things are going well I am suspicious and on edge thinking like what is going to go wrong?!
As soon as you said, waiting for the next shoe to drop immediately broke down, I just landed a huge job that I’ve been grinding for so hard the last four months and especially this week going through the training and finally getting the greenlight that I was going to be hired and I just can’t find out why I can’t just be proud and happy for myself. I’ve made the biggest turnaround in my life but yet I’m still doubting myself.
You got this!
i still din't watch it, but thanks for putting this out. i knew i am scared ,but never wanted to look out for it . now let me start watching it
Definitely something I think I am experiencing from all the losses
I felt all you said. Really. I think due to my trauma from my family where my mom would scream or fight with me for nothing out of the blue. I had to be constantly on fight or flight mode.
Im afraid of being happy, because I fear that as soon as I get comfortable, something bad will happen.
I've had so many family members pass last year. I'm so afraid of losing my loved ones as soon as I begin to feel "relaxed" in life.
That's so interresting to ask to yourself !
I used to feel like I forgot how to be happy which is linked to some trauma from my childhood. But maybe like you said I'm more confortable unhappy, even if I want to change things and feel better and I do not act or want anything else to change well... That's plain self sabotage exactly !
I think maybe we need to define what it is to be happy or just reacknoledge what it feels like and to me it's connected to inner child, to fun and being carefree.
It has more to do with being able to dance under the rain, to be cheerful no matter how hard life can be, because you can.
Do we need (a) reason to be happy ?
Thanks for the video !
I definitely resonate with the fear of happiness. I believe it is a combination of C-PTSD/ trauma and hyper vigilance. I am always fearful that if I try to “enjoy the moment” things with happen when I have my guard down. It also stems from a feeling of not deserving it, as you mentioned. I begin to self deprecate and think to myself, “you don’t deserve this happiness, look at the terrible things you have done in your life”, when truthfully most of the “terrible” things were a DIRECT result of response to intense emotional and physical trauma. I wouldn’t know how to live without the constant “fight or flight” feeling and being hyper alert to try to prevent trauma before it occurs.
I haven't watch the videos in awhile but the style is different. Seems more raw and you seem more vulnerable and relatable. Helps me connect to the content more.
Yes, I fear being happy bc I'm not used to it and I think I don't deserve it.
When I was a kid, the only time our parents wouldn’t fight or work as a team would he when there were issues at home with us. My sister had a plethora of health issues and somehow that kept my parents together and not fighting. Growing up I realized that every-time I was happy my father would turn volatile and start something. So I learnt subconsciously to never be happy as it will be taken away
I'm in the category of 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' (at 5:30) when things seem to be going ' too well', it's as if I'm tempting fate. Thanks Kati. Good to know it's not just me 🦄
I have this. I almost broke up with my boyfriend because things were going so well and he might be "the one." Thankfully, he basically didn't accept my breakup by asking me if i was saying our relationship wasnt worth the effort. That question made me think and i said yes, its worth tge effort. Hes worth it to me. So i allowed myself to be happy in the safe space he created for me . And we've been together for 1.5 years now (been friends for 8 years). He's the best thing to have ever happened to me 🥰
I had the same exact experience in my life during my childhood when I was living very invisible, like walking on egg shells, physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse by my narcissistic parent's as well they are overly protected & demanding towards me. And so that is the perfect example that I experience during my childhood trauma, to the point where I'm just kind of resigned and I am not trying to find happiness pretty much Anymore!
For me it isn't about being afraid to be `happy`, it's the fact that others can't be that weighs on my mind whenever the subject arises. It's almost like a feeling of guilt for being lucky enough to feel this way. That thought process it of itself prevents me from ever feeling it, so I just accept it at this point
I am 55y. My simple take is so many ppl make life a game of manipulation where they want/desire the next person, their sibling...to fail, mess up, or enslave the woman to housework like in decades past....
And no....to survive one doesn't have to be like that based on nature or economics.....but what happens is greed, excess competetion, enslavement can stir up mental issues thus making other things worse.
I have felt...."I am good, you are good" type of perception can help address those issues from the start....
Just my two cents....
Happiness is a gift. Gifts can be lost.
Disappointment feels worse than happiness feels good. It's kinda difficult to let down your guard when it takes 5 times as many good feelings as bad feelings to break even
She’s describing my whole life. I was singing and dancing in the shower and I stop and google cherophobia.
I’ve been on the same journey since Covid in finding a full time role in my field (tech). I’ve had a few years of bouncing from temp gig to job, feeling like I always needed to “beg” for a job or prove I’m capable. A lot of places I worked at didn’t give me a chance or had their own office politics going on.
I’ve since been diagnosed with Autism/ADHD since February and have worked hard to get a full time role I’m starting soon. I’m learning so much more about myself, how I work, communicate and what it’d take me to thrive.
I got my new job two weeks into working a part time job (my last day was Saturday) and I’ve been feeling numb or dissociative from the whole change. I know I should be happy, but I’ve been fighting voices that tell me that I’m going to fail and return back to my part time job cause “that’s all I’m good for” or “the field I’m in is not the right one for me, so why bother?”. This mostly stems from my getting another job offer rescinded from me back in January, so I’m waiting for the “shoe to drop”, just as you said.
I’ve had two revelations from my inner dialogue:
1) What would happen if the shoe DIDN’T drop? What would it look like if I stay on for a long time, work my best and can REALLY grow in my career?
2) Is my worry, anxiety and feeling of Unworthiness to Enjoying Happiness things I really want to bring to the new role? Is that kind of energy something you want people to sense in you as you work with clients, co-workers, etc?
The epiphany I had is that Growing is Painful but Necessary. I’m not going to get to where I want to be if I stay stuck in the same place. It can take small steps to grow but sometimes you’re thrust into a place you’re unfamiliar with, I have a mantra I found years ago that helps me: Do It Afraid.
Being able to shine a light on the root causes of why we’re unable or unworthy to be happy can be a productive way to see the end point in growth. There are people out there who can help you too. No one is an expert in everything but people can offer you good advice and help you put things into perspective. It helps to have a team in your corner to help you Get Out of Your Own Head!!.
I would add one more possibility: that backing off from happiness can act as a defense of ego or self-worth. If I limit my happiness and expect that other shoe to drop, I'm "better" in some way (wiser? more realistic? more perceptive?) than the people who go all-in on happiness and then have their joy taken away.
I'm probably not the only one who grew up with the message that I was never good enough and looked for ways to prove to myself that I was "better than."
Kati,you have a good day and lots of love to you and keep up the good work that you are doing,. For it really does help a lot of us. You take care Katie. Till next time,. Later.
Such a great topic - so relatable. I love that you share your own experiences.
Last one: the effects of long term exposure bc of the pandemic I think has created a "fear of happiness" and when I feel like I'm having a good day or moment of peace I remember the state of the world...it's definitely a fight to maintain peace of mind.
You just described my upbringing and therefore my perception as an adult
Happiness for me is fleeting and short lived, i never fully allow myself to embrace good things, because there's always that looming enegry of destruction.
I definitely have self-sabotage and /cherophobia. There’s been so many times when I realized as I was doing it that I had an opportunity to grow, but would subconsciously keep myself small and revert to old behaviors so as to not grow and even delete the opportunity and momentum for growth. So many wasted opportunities and little hopes I had, I have a big history of self-sabotage. Now I have a lot of knowledge, I understand myself better than ever, and confidence, yet I still hold back and stay stuck in my comfort zone. I think
For me it definitely is being afraid of having something to lose, I feel as if, I suppose, I couldn’t handle losing everything again, as I kind of did when I was young.
Some of us feel apprehensive about happiness and/or accomplishments because we were punished for experiencing these things by others who were in our environment (e.g. family, caregivers, etc.).
Thank you so much for sharing your personal experiences!
I have been chronically ill for 15 years with 0 answers for 10 of those years. I'm almost afraid to be healthy because I don't know who I am without that chronic pain. I feel the same way about happiness. I've been dealing with high functioning depression for who knows how long and I genuinely don't know who I am if I'm happy. Maybe that's part of the fear portion so it's something to look into for sure
I can relate so much to this. When I left my questionably functioning family and my hometown I lived in normal relationships for the first time. At first I felt excitingly happy. Then the feeling that a punishment for this is coming crept in. And then I got psychosis.
So I am very cautious about this. And what makes it worse, it is partially correct to be cautious because when that happiness is "a little too much", it can probably be a hypomanic state. And differentiating is so difficult.
It's almost a form of loss aversion. The fear of the loss from being super happy to incredibly sad is so high that I'd rather be a little sad, to begin with. That way when things hit rock bottom, the fall won't be as intense cause I wasn't that high up anyway.
For me, it's a combination of letting my guard down and waiting for the other shoe to drop that makes me scared of happiness. But ultimately (and probably thanks to several different medical professionals), I know that I do not want to keep feeling the way that I am feeling. So I try to hijack my brain during good moments when I recognize them, and remind myself to hold onto that feeling and remember what it's like to be happy. I still feel sad afterward (waiting for the other shoe to drop), but then later on, I reflect on the good moments until eventually my brain gets bored of trying to make me feel sad and lets me just have the good memory.
I relate to the hyper vigilance. Whenever something good would happen I’d always expect something bad to happen in my mind I would see it as balance like I can’t be too happy I can’t be too sad. things would happen and it would just keep me in the middle but now I’m starting to see that when something “bad” happens after something really good happens it’s really just a challenge versus something negative
Also loved this video 🤙🏾
Mate, yes! Thanks for bringing this topic to my consciousness again. The other thing is what actually is happiness (short term vs long term, meaningful etc.). What I have trouble reconciling is, we know where it ends (Death). So, is it all just distraction until that point? I definitely have a massive 'resistance' inside me to any sort of normal life experience. It seems I can only feel relief through some sort of transference in the company of others who truly let go. Like I am trapped in this body and existence, I don't want it, I just want to go peacefully, now...Hmm, whatever.
This makes A LOT of sense!
I just figured out that I haven’t allowed myself to accept good experiences into my life because I am then afraid they will be taken away from me like in childhood. So I only attract bad experiences to stay safe.
This makes 100% sense to me. I can relate to everything you have said
This is so relatable, I'm afraid of being happy, cuz of ongoing trauma... basically whenever I am "better" the people around me (who traumatized me in the first place) think it's ok to retraumatize me... btw thanks for your awesome content, it really helps.
I feel fear and guilt over happiness.
A lot of times through my life if something was going good, then something bad happened soon after. I felt like I could time it when it was about to go sour.