I’ve never felt the fear of abandonment in relationships until my wife got repressed trauma memories back of trauma she got in her 1st relationship at 18-20. She is in counseling now but I really feared losing her because her trauma happened in a relationship. I’m proud of how hard she is working in therapy. Ty Thais.
I think, in this case, it's logical and has a base. Besides, you didn't react negatively to it. You channelized and understood it really well. Only a combination of heart and head wins. Kudos to your partnership!
I know I haven’t reprogrammed my fear of abandonment yet, no matter how much belief reprogramming I’m doing, because I keep self-abandoning on my behaviors. It’s gotten better and I abandon myself less than what I used to do for sure, but still happens. How timely this video is that I’m retaking the strengthening self-identity course right now, because the time to individuate and become my own person has arrived. I never had time to develop an identity of my own because I was so busy self-abandoning myself and being in a chronic freeze mode. I want to stop this now. Best of luck to everybody else in their journeys, especially if they’re going through something similar. It’s damn hard, because the subconscious mind does want to keep its comfort zone, it really does 😂
I feel like I know myself very well and do a good job expressing who I am to others, but because of my parents splitting up at age 7 I now get totally triggered when a man I love needs to adjust something in our relationship or if I fear he'll leave me...I get triggered so bad that I cling harder and totally freak out, and it always scares him & pushes him away. I feel like the only way to stop this cycle is to force myself to not show signs of my fear of abandonment...how else do I stop my panic?
@@Jamy528 I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's good that you recognize your pattern and know where it comes from. In the moment, you can calm your subconscious by saying things like "You're okay," "You are safe right now," etc. "You are" statements are needed to calm the subconscious, along with holding space for your emotions and not trying to judge or dismiss them. When you're calm and regulated but still in your anxious energy, you can put on some meditation music (instrumental, ambient music works very well for me but it doesn't have to be that specific genre, just something that will help your brain relax and focus) and do some inner child reparenting. This is a technique I've been using and it actually works, so I'll explain it if you're interested. :)
I'm a lesbian who was born into a narcissistic, Southern Baptist home. My mom has always been incredibly obsessive about me and wouldn't just take me for who I was. When she first suspected that I was a lesbian (which was based on totally superficial traits), she completely shut herself off to me emotionally, and then began actively abusing me. When she wasn't abusing me, she was grilling me, trying to make me confess that I was a lesbian. All the attention I got from her was negative. The abandonment wound came from her devaluing me, but I couldn't heal it because she wasn't safe. My dad did the best he could to curb her behavior, but it still damaged me. So the fear that's been embedded in me is that I can't exist, let alone express needs and boundaries, because I will be abandoned by virtue of just existing. As a consequence of this and religious trauma, I literally can't express my needs and boundaries, even with trusted friends. I'm going to start with the religious trauma and go from there.
Hello, I'm sorry you feel so let down and abandoned. I just wanted to say God's love for you and His desire to have a relationship with you are very different from religion. Please don't confuse the two. Knowing His love will carry you through any storm and grow you into the person He has called you to be. Please don't close the door to His love because of religion.
my birth mother abandoned me at about 7 weeks. everything about this video for me is true. some areas I've progressed in better than others. its working. just keep watching her videos. join her school. and most importantly do this for yourself. you are worth it.
When I started the Needs Course it became so clear I hadn't any true idea. Knowing I couldn't speak English to my subconscious, I had to recognize when my Fight or Flight came online then STOP, BREATHE, not speak, not react, just go inward to feel my body-nervous system, than journal the experience so I can catch Facts over Feelings, were some of the earliest, fastest improvements, way easier and faster than my years of therapy.
Thank you! I am completely blown away. When you said that everyone who fears abandonment has a shadow around them and that they tend to deeply abandon themselves first, it felt like an arrow to my heart. It is true for me! Yet as you continued, I felt like you were throwing me a life line. I will be spending a lot of time doing a deep dive into the seven areas of life to figure out exactly what I want/need. I've never heard of this but it makes so much sense. I so appreciate your content and would love more content about this topic. I am an excited new subscriber ❤
This is so helpful. I was always abandoning myself and had no clue. Your needs course and boundaries course have helped me stop doing this, at least most of the time. 😊
The "seven areas of life" thing intellectually makes sense and so does the idea of individuation but every time there's talk of listing them on paper i hit a wall. Idk if anyone needs to see this but if you're also someone who gets a panic attack trying to answer seven existential questions in one sitting, friend, please know you are not alone ❤✨
I’m always afraid of abandonment and didn’t know until recently educating myself on my anxious attachment. I’m always worried about my boyfriend cheating on me and feeling alone in the relationship because he is an avoidant
This video speaks volumes to me!! I’ll be watching it multiple times as it makes so much sense to me. Thank you @Thais for breaking this subject down more in a way that makes sense to me!! I’m working on individuating so this helps me understand tremendously better!! 💞🤗
Hi Thais. This is an amazing tool that you provide in the school as well. I haven't gone through it in a couple of weeks but will definitely go through those again today after this video. I think I forget that I can't move forward until I do these things consistently, but somehow I end up procrastinating on it. Really helpful content, as always. Thank you! I just had one question - what happens or what does it mean when your career is not or might not be necessarily what you want to do forever, and you're not sure exactly what career paths would make you feel most empowered because having a consistent income is most important to you but you also don't want to prevent yourself from making more money by staying at the same job? Conquering those fears is hard because I did lose jobs quite a bit in my youth and the financial impact of that also didn't help my already present wounds around finances.
Have a FA partner, she has alot of trauma and she's lovely but often over thinks, has adhd, gets angry, then feels guilty and always thinks I'm going to leave. Despite how calm and reassuring I am.. She just either is all in happy or totally closed off and a nightmare.. What's to do here?
When she's in a calm state, ask her what she needs from you in those moments of panic, and then actually provide the things she states she needs. Something you can do in her moments of panic is to speak to her using "You are" statements, like "You are okay," "You are safe with me." The subconscious responds to these types of statements as commands, and you should see her calm down within a few minutes. But this is also her responsibility to heal, and it's not conducive to a healthy relationship to continue down this path.
@@cornwallismorgan874 I love your response. I agree while it is her responsibility to heal, him showing up more supportive might help her feel safe and calm her nervous system. ❤
@@LeeChrissy It sounds like he's already doing everything he can, though you've reminded me that I forgot to mention something in my initial reply. As a psychiatric nurse, the way to effectively pull people out of those panicked states is to use "You are" statements, like "You are okay," "You are safe with me," etc. These statements speak to the subconscious and actually help break the limbic loop so people can calm down. I'll go ahead and edit my first response.
@@cornwallismorgan874 the "you are safe with me" is perfect. "You are okay" would personally make me feel invalidated, because at that moment I'm not feeling okay. My FA self would create a whole story around that. I get what you're saying though. ❤️
@@LeeChrissy And it's awesome that you know that! If I'm de-escalating someone, I usually start with "You are safe" and progress from there. That one is more effective in my experience, though I follow "You're okay" with "[abuser's gender] isn't here right now. You're in a safe place." Just a bit of real-world orientation. then looping back to the "You are" statements. Total game-changer.
Hi my name is Josh and I’m just wondering if you could please do a video on what styles work well together and those that don’t please ?. Because I am Anxious attachment and the girl I’m interested in might be fearful avoidant but I’m just wondering if it’s possible to do a video on please. Thank you
@JoshuaEllison-pg7lx Thais did videos on this topic about two months ago: the thumbnails are the purple-and-white ones. In any case, if you two aren't already involved, I would highly recommend seeking out someone securely-attached instead. It will work much better.
Wow- I think I just got a big aha here. Thais- does this “reclaim X in the relationship with yourself” apply across all the core wounds? I am an “on the road to secure” former DA who just left a 4 yr relationship with a DA. I felt powerless in the relationship when he would shut down/stonewall- does that mean I need to reclaim my own power? Because I’ve also felt “stuck” at work for like a decade (in golden handcuffs)- do I need to (re)claim my own freedom? That feels really challenging and potentially growthful.
This should be a mandatory course taught in schools. Thank you!
You're welcome!
I’ve never felt the fear of abandonment in relationships until my wife got repressed trauma memories back of trauma she got in her 1st relationship at 18-20. She is in counseling now but I really feared losing her because her trauma happened in a relationship. I’m proud of how hard she is working in therapy. Ty Thais.
She’s very blessed to have you ❤
I think, in this case, it's logical and has a base. Besides, you didn't react negatively to it. You channelized and understood it really well.
Only a combination of heart and head wins.
Kudos to your partnership!
I know I haven’t reprogrammed my fear of abandonment yet, no matter how much belief reprogramming I’m doing, because I keep self-abandoning on my behaviors. It’s gotten better and I abandon myself less than what I used to do for sure, but still happens. How timely this video is that I’m retaking the strengthening self-identity course right now, because the time to individuate and become my own person has arrived. I never had time to develop an identity of my own because I was so busy self-abandoning myself and being in a chronic freeze mode. I want to stop this now. Best of luck to everybody else in their journeys, especially if they’re going through something similar. It’s damn hard, because the subconscious mind does want to keep its comfort zone, it really does 😂
Fear of abandonment is very real and can feel quite scary. Please let us know in the comments your experience with this ❤
I feel like I know myself very well and do a good job expressing who I am to others, but because of my parents splitting up at age 7 I now get totally triggered when a man I love needs to adjust something in our relationship or if I fear he'll leave me...I get triggered so bad that I cling harder and totally freak out, and it always scares him & pushes him away. I feel like the only way to stop this cycle is to force myself to not show signs of my fear of abandonment...how else do I stop my panic?
@@Jamy528 I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's good that you recognize your pattern and know where it comes from. In the moment, you can calm your subconscious by saying things like "You're okay," "You are safe right now," etc. "You are" statements are needed to calm the subconscious, along with holding space for your emotions and not trying to judge or dismiss them. When you're calm and regulated but still in your anxious energy, you can put on some meditation music (instrumental, ambient music works very well for me but it doesn't have to be that specific genre, just something that will help your brain relax and focus) and do some inner child reparenting. This is a technique I've been using and it actually works, so I'll explain it if you're interested. :)
I'm a lesbian who was born into a narcissistic, Southern Baptist home. My mom has always been incredibly obsessive about me and wouldn't just take me for who I was. When she first suspected that I was a lesbian (which was based on totally superficial traits), she completely shut herself off to me emotionally, and then began actively abusing me. When she wasn't abusing me, she was grilling me, trying to make me confess that I was a lesbian. All the attention I got from her was negative. The abandonment wound came from her devaluing me, but I couldn't heal it because she wasn't safe. My dad did the best he could to curb her behavior, but it still damaged me. So the fear that's been embedded in me is that I can't exist, let alone express needs and boundaries, because I will be abandoned by virtue of just existing. As a consequence of this and religious trauma, I literally can't express my needs and boundaries, even with trusted friends. I'm going to start with the religious trauma and go from there.
Hello, I'm sorry you feel so let down and abandoned. I just wanted to say God's love for you and His desire to have a relationship with you are very different from religion.
Please don't confuse the two.
Knowing His love will carry you through any storm and grow you into the person He has called you to be. Please don't close the door to His love because of religion.
my birth mother abandoned me at about 7 weeks. everything about this video for me is true. some areas I've progressed in better than others. its working. just keep watching her videos. join her school. and most importantly do this for yourself. you are worth it.
When I started the Needs Course it became so clear I hadn't any true idea. Knowing I couldn't speak English to my subconscious, I had to recognize when my Fight or Flight came online then STOP, BREATHE, not speak, not react, just go inward to feel my body-nervous system, than journal the experience so I can catch Facts over Feelings, were some of the earliest, fastest improvements, way easier and faster than my years of therapy.
❤❤❤ thank you for sharing
Thank you! I am completely blown away. When you said that everyone who fears abandonment has a shadow around them and that they tend to deeply abandon themselves first, it felt like an arrow to my heart. It is true for me! Yet as you continued, I felt like you were throwing me a life line. I will be spending a lot of time doing a deep dive into the seven areas of life to figure out exactly what I want/need. I've never heard of this but it makes so much sense. I so appreciate your content and would love more content about this topic. I am an excited new subscriber ❤
I love how she explained the root cause of people pleasing!
Thank you for being healing
❤
This is so helpful. I was always abandoning myself and had no clue. Your needs course and boundaries course have helped me stop doing this, at least most of the time. 😊
wonderful to hear it! Congrats on the work you did on yourself! ❤
The "seven areas of life" thing intellectually makes sense and so does the idea of individuation but every time there's talk of listing them on paper i hit a wall. Idk if anyone needs to see this but if you're also someone who gets a panic attack trying to answer seven existential questions in one sitting, friend, please know you are not alone ❤✨
Try only writing 1 section down per day or per week. You don't have to do it all in one sitting haha do it in your time as long as you do it ^.^
How are you so helpful and healing 😭😭😭😭 you are a godsend
I’m always afraid of abandonment and didn’t know until recently educating myself on my anxious attachment. I’m always worried about my boyfriend cheating on me and feeling alone in the relationship because he is an avoidant
Yes, only after I'm very sure about the other person, otherwise being an FA, I'm constantly talking down my triggers now that I'm dating again
Thank you for this. I’ll be rewatching and go over the items you mentioned.
good luck! ❤
This video speaks volumes to me!! I’ll be watching it multiple times as it makes so much sense to me. Thank you @Thais for breaking this subject down more in a way that makes sense to me!! I’m working on individuating so this helps me understand tremendously better!! 💞🤗
Epic, epic video! Thank you!!!
You're welcome :)
Yes, more please 😊.
Hi Thais. This is an amazing tool that you provide in the school as well. I haven't gone through it in a couple of weeks but will definitely go through those again today after this video. I think I forget that I can't move forward until I do these things consistently, but somehow I end up procrastinating on it. Really helpful content, as always. Thank you! I just had one question - what happens or what does it mean when your career is not or might not be necessarily what you want to do forever, and you're not sure exactly what career paths would make you feel most empowered because having a consistent income is most important to you but you also don't want to prevent yourself from making more money by staying at the same job? Conquering those fears is hard because I did lose jobs quite a bit in my youth and the financial impact of that also didn't help my already present wounds around finances.
Thanks.
❤
Well said....made notes..
Yes more
Have a FA partner, she has alot of trauma and she's lovely but often over thinks, has adhd, gets angry, then feels guilty and always thinks I'm going to leave. Despite how calm and reassuring I am.. She just either is all in happy or totally closed off and a nightmare.. What's to do here?
When she's in a calm state, ask her what she needs from you in those moments of panic, and then actually provide the things she states she needs. Something you can do in her moments of panic is to speak to her using "You are" statements, like "You are okay," "You are safe with me." The subconscious responds to these types of statements as commands, and you should see her calm down within a few minutes.
But this is also her responsibility to heal, and it's not conducive to a healthy relationship to continue down this path.
@@cornwallismorgan874 I love your response. I agree while it is her responsibility to heal, him showing up more supportive might help her feel safe and calm her nervous system. ❤
@@LeeChrissy It sounds like he's already doing everything he can, though you've reminded me that I forgot to mention something in my initial reply. As a psychiatric nurse, the way to effectively pull people out of those panicked states is to use "You are" statements, like "You are okay," "You are safe with me," etc. These statements speak to the subconscious and actually help break the limbic loop so people can calm down. I'll go ahead and edit my first response.
@@cornwallismorgan874 the "you are safe with me" is perfect. "You are okay" would personally make me feel invalidated, because at that moment I'm not feeling okay. My FA self would create a whole story around that. I get what you're saying though. ❤️
@@LeeChrissy And it's awesome that you know that! If I'm de-escalating someone, I usually start with "You are safe" and progress from there. That one is more effective in my experience, though I follow "You're okay" with "[abuser's gender] isn't here right now. You're in a safe place." Just a bit of real-world orientation. then looping back to the "You are" statements. Total game-changer.
Hi my name is Josh and I’m just wondering if you could please do a video on what styles work well together and those that don’t please ?. Because I am Anxious attachment and the girl I’m interested in might be fearful avoidant but I’m just wondering if it’s possible to do a video on please. Thank you
Hey Josh 👋 I've seen a version of this . AP's Kryptonite, DA's Kryppnite and Fearful Avoidant's Kryptonite
@@OregonSingles thankyou, I'll check it out ☺️
@JoshuaEllison-pg7lx Thais did videos on this topic about two months ago: the thumbnails are the purple-and-white ones. In any case, if you two aren't already involved, I would highly recommend seeking out someone securely-attached instead. It will work much better.
Wow- I think I just got a big aha here. Thais- does this “reclaim X in the relationship with yourself” apply across all the core wounds? I am an “on the road to secure” former DA who just left a 4 yr relationship with a DA. I felt powerless in the relationship when he would shut down/stonewall- does that mean I need to reclaim my own power? Because I’ve also felt “stuck” at work for like a decade (in golden handcuffs)- do I need to (re)claim my own freedom? That feels really challenging and potentially growthful.