The Biggest Problem in Modern Relationships | Dr. John Delony
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 10 ม.ค. 2025
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It's a problem that extends to society, not only in relationships!
Agreed
Exactly
I was just gonna say that exact thing but you beat me.
Relationships are the foundation of society
@@northernbloke6787 but not all members are in relationships unless you are considering friendships and acquaintances as relationships and even then there are outliers.
I agree, we are living in a self centered world where "my personal needs" are more important and should be everyone's priority.
Concentrated, invasive "Manifest Destiny". 😢
but don't think that is a woman thing? putting her needs and emotions before everything else.
Or you can go on the exact opposite direction and put everybody else before yourself and everybody else is of high priority but not myself😢
I've even wish that even just for a couple minutes that I could put myself first I'm so tired of holding secrets for everybody else's benefit when all that does is hurt me
@@Vesuveus425😂 has absolute nothing to do with it.
Yes Amen. Marriage; it’s not a me thing it’s a WE thing
The towers analogy…powerful
We truly do live in a narcissistic society.
YES. 👍 ITS ALL …ME…ME…ME.
I have read many men say :- What can you bring to the table as a woman?
I say- what can you bring to the table? Can you get pregnant so I don’t have to? And deal later with postpartum and recover after pregnancy for months and months while taking care of a baby.
@@zeroounce8874but that is expected just like it is expected for the man to provide. So using what is expected of you is not a good answer. If that’s what you want to say then it comes off as you get to justify your unhealthy relationship behavior just because you can get pregnant….no thanks
Always have...
I was just going to write that! ❤
@zacharyeldridge1975 not true at all.
Completely agree. Once catastrophic damage is done, it’s either best to walk away or hire experts to build something else equally or even more beautiful
Spot on!
When I was growing up (born in the 70ties) it was frowned upon if you look in the mirror for what’s considered “too long” as bad. Now people are obsessed with themselves and it’s more than ok.
And that’s just the surface of things .
Exactly
Oh yes! I almost forgot but that's true, born in the early 80s but when I was a teenager in the 90s it was still like that! Looking at yourself for too long was super uncool and you got made fun of
I was born in 85 n it was like dat wid me. In fact, it was preferred to have only one face sized mirror for the entire home
I’m also gen x, the whole selfie thing was uncomfortable, couldn’t do it…didn’t want mom to think I was full of myself 😊
This gives me perspective. I am 40, an older millennial, and after I just graduated from college, I overheard my parents have a conversation. My mom said that a lot of employers are reporting that young employees, new to the workforce, have a high level of narcissism. They have been told things such as "you can't love anyone until you love yourself," and now it's manifested in the workplace as adults. It opened my eyes and made me think that the me-first messages I learned growing up would not help me function in a relationship or the workplace.
100%, everyone is playing games and afraid to put themselves out there for fear of getting hurt. Sabotaging behaviors not caring about how their words and actions can hurt someone else, then blaming the reaction instead of the cause so they don't have to accept accountability.
Being humble to each other to communicate is one of the best way to understand each other's short comings ,trust ,respect ND honesty
❤
Trust? How, when the person so dishonored you. No, there is no getting back to the way it was. You can not unring a bell. Pay yourself first and walk away.
Lies are the biggest causes of pain because they don’t stop !
This is so powerful! There is ALWAYS hope to rebuild a dying relationship! Be humble and get to work
Selfishness and disrespect are the killers of any relationship that has great potential. One is giving the other is just the receiver, one is investing and the other is passive and does not do any investing, one of them does not take the feelings and the needs of the other person as one of the priorities, one is brave while the other is afraid to go further, one is clear honest while the other is vaguely unclear, one is looking at the relationship from a place of "us" while the other looking at the relationship from only "me me me" place, it has to come to a halt until that passive person get the clarity and be honest with themselves, only then a reconciliation will take place. selfishness and arrogance are killers of any relationship
This is 100% spot on.
You described my marriage to a T. That's why it failed. Now I know for sure no matter if I give my 1000% I need to leave if the other isn't giving 100.. it just won't work no matter how much love is there.
@@asmaarafferty5032
I totally agree with you on this;
This describes my marriage as well.
I see this in my husband, we’ve separated several times and he always says he sorry 😞 it’s usually good for a few DAYS but then he goes right back to his old M.O.
He gaslights me all the time and accuses me of doing EVERYTHING that he’s doing wrong 😑.
He questions everything I say or do NO matter how minor.
He finds fault in everything and I have to be very careful not to act like him.
He doesn’t take responsibility for anything he says or does he accuses me of lying to him all the time and in my experience when someone accuses another of lying it’s usually the one that’s doing the accusing that’s really lying.
"My body responded when you did this" is such a powerful way to reframe not only how you view a challenging interaction with a partner, but how you view challenging interactions with anyone. We have to absolutely start taking responsibility for our emotions. The point of knowing your triggers isn't so that everyone else has to walk on eggshells around you, but so that you can defuse those triggers, and get your power back over your body and responses to the world.
Well said. It's really learning how to be vulernable when communicating isn't it?
Rebuilding must be hard, my parents tried for over 20yrs after it cracked. They never succeeded and it’s very hard to be in the middle of it. They both said they did it for us. We end up going thru so much trauma. If marriage doesn’t work, leave and move on for the sake of your kids sanity.
agree, if they do anything "for the kids " it should be splitting up when it's clearly.toxic
I know. I'm not sure why people think that staying in a bad relationship and creating so much negativity in the family home is healthy for their children. I have a friend who stayed married to her husband until her youngest son went to college. She literally couldn't stand the man for most of their marriage. Her youngest son used to ask her why she was so mean to his father. I don't understand why she stayed especially after he asked her that. That was not a healthy environment to raise children in. Plus, she was modeling marriage in a very bad way.
@@cremebrulee4759maybe she was the problem. Why was she mean to the dad? Could have learned to be less of a female dog.
I’m going through the same thing. Wife and I separated and have been on and off for 5 1/2 years trying to fix it and nothing works. We stop trying and then after a couple months of no contact she comes back to try again. Rinse and repeat for 5 1/2 years. It’s been so frustrating but damned if I know how to save it.
When betrayed and the deep core feelings of trust have been taken. I feel it's already ingrained in that person to seek every good feeling for him or herself! And things might change but there's no letting go of that idea in their mind of getting happiness or satisfaction in whatever way it thrills them most! It'll be only a matter of time when the work becomes too hard again or something else
Yes offense keeps us stuck. Forgiveness sets us free.
I so agree with this. Understanding that no one makes us feel something, but that it’s a bodily response, and always asking ‘what would we do, how would we communicate, what would we say, if we were working as a team?’ What serves our relationship? I love the analogy about Ground Zero - moving forward with new understanding, letting go of the past, developing new skills, seeing things with new eyes… THAT’S the way to experience the incredible benefits of a healthy, forward-facing relationship ❤
False...people actually DO make us feel certain ways. If they couldn't, then we wouldn't feel love from them, or on the opposite end, betrayal. There are people, like narcissistic, who know this, and use it to their advantage.
But it's up to us on how to respond.
Add social media force feeding you the narrative of “you are the center of the universe and your partner should meet every need you have in life” and you see why nobody lasts more than a couple of years
*_BAM!_*
Social media doesn't help, but it starts with parenting. Raising little prince and princesses that might as well be named MeMe. Then their parents pass them off to social media, fuel to the fire
@@TulsaDude perfectly stated
This is absolutely true because when someone is talking to us we really don’t listen sometimes we hear something totally different then what the person was saying that why you have walk away cool off when you arguing and then come to table and have a discussion.
So true. I just had this realization. I am constantly doing things to preserve ME and be damn with the OTHER.
What makes a great (long-lasting) relationship is CHOOSING EACH OTHER! Everything else will fall into place.
Relationships are easy, but it's people who make it complicated and difficult.
Yes, it take two to tango.
❤
@@babydoll.888 outsiders looking in, better keep their noses clean. It's those who go out of their way to stick their nose in somebody else's backyard before they've cleaned up their own
Yup, don’t care what anyone says, love is a choice at the end of the day. Good feelings grow with positive reinforcement
My husband and i rebuilt our relationship after infidelity on his part(before marriage). It took a long time and lots of grieving, crying, talking, and then healing. By long, i mean like 2 to 3 years. Im so glad we did it though because i live our life now.
Truth change is often most difficult to contend with. Feelings of change are different as felt internally, everyone does do grasp identical understanding on the same situation
Agree. Thus “me over us” does not apply if your partner is a narcisist.
That's how they normally operate
The "us over me" is what you want to aim for
Don't ghost them just tell them it's over
Oh you NAILED IT! That’s THE MOST CHILDISH GAME THAT SOMEONE CAN DO TO SOMEONE ELSE! I’ve been dealing with that from MY FIANCÉ OF 10 YEARS!! He gets upset and leaves and may or may not come back home leaving me to wonder IF OR WHEN HE WILL WALK IN OR REACH OUT! It got old and I told him I LOVE YOU… BUT I AM DONE! We are ADULTS!! Well according to his age he’s an adult! He disrespected me for the last time! No more warnings or UNDERSTANDING!! I’ve told him WE NEED TO SIT DOWN AND HAVE A CONVERSATION… TRY TO GET BACK IN TRACK… HED COME HOME LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED… BUT IT DID! And APPARENTLY MY FEELINGS STOPPED MATTERING! (We BOTH lost our Moms & Grandmas within the past yr & 1/2 so saying it changed everything would be an understatement. BUT GROWING APART AND HIM BEING OK STAYING THAT WAY… was no longer acceptable. 😞 sorry for the rant. Nobody to talk to takes a toll. This video HIT HARD.
@@Tlittau3944he sounds dismissive avoidant.
And don't tell them it's over, in a restaurant.
Nature sounds beautiful and its free
I realized I have never wanted a relationship. And it was the best revelations I ever earned. Beautiful for those who know it. 🌐✨️🌐
Same, except the opposite. I always wanted a relationship and it was the best revelation I ever had. Beautiful for those who know this
@@TulsaDude hahahahah✨️
The selfishness of me is what my dad always said as well. That’s what’s killing relationships today
Wow. ❤❤❤ And it's not just romantic relationships. It's friendships, it's colleagues, it's strangers. It's "all about me". No one gives anyone the benefit of the doubt. They don't respect other people's points of view. It's me over us/you. 😢
So happy to see them together, my favourite people of this year
When I chose us, he chose himself. So I chose me until someone truly loves me 💔
Honestly I can relate. A lot of the time I would think and act to the betterment of our relationship but he would only think about himself, which made me honestly feel so alone and drained that it was unhealthy and I had to brake things off because the whole point of being in a relationship is to work together for the betterment of the team not just for the betterment of one.
Edit to add:
Also of you truelly love someone you want to help them, you want their day to go well, you want them to be happy and comfortable. So why am I the the only one thinking about you and me and our future? and you are just thinking about yourself?
Yip, same. "One for all, and all for.. himself"... very tiring and trying. I ended up being the btch who ended it... back at Square 1 :(
Self pity. His point exactly
@@PhoenixPrime396lol isn’t it funny how that works? I had one girl chase me for yearsss all around the country and finally when I committed to her, settled down got us a house and all that, she decided she could do better and cheated multiple times. Ironic
@@Bloodsport1337😢
I’m sorry 😞
Great analogy, and import to know when your relationship does or doesn't need that approach. Abuse/domination common enough that it's important to say: sometimes what's necessary is that the rebuild be individual & separate...that the two people separate.
Yep... you before me. This is what my husband and I agree on.
That’s so true. My relationship of 24 years was never a partnership. We weren’t a team. It was not about “us”. And he found someone else.
We tried to rebuild but it didn’t work. Was already destroyed. But I’ve changed and learned and in the last 9 years I have grown into a different person.
And the next person I meet WILL be my “us”. A team. Not about “ me me me “.
It’s true this generation is going to have a hard time finding “us” when they are so self centered and entitled. 😢
Wow I have heard that analogy for broken trust in a relationship thank you
The biggest problem is over focusing on feelings. People seem to believe that if they think something they must act on it. If you are obsessed with your feelings then you are either mentally unwell or lazy.
Three turnaround words,Me Over Us.Thank you.
Wow! Me over us… how many of us are willing to admit that it is mine not your doing... The burden is always and only on the “I”
Gratefulness!! Be satisfied!
He is an excellent therapist.
My favorite!!! Dr. John Delony!
I couldn’t agree more.
This guy is the best on TH-cam!!! ❤❤❤. He has such a wonderful way of explaining things!
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
He quoted an analogy he learned from a woman who explains things well, Esther Perel.
Two of my fav people in one podcast! ❤
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
Dr JD is brilliant and such a gift
I agree! Selfishness is the problem. Me Me Me
Two of my favs together. Love this ❤
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
Love and Respect ❤️ Thank's and Congratulations 😂
GREAT ANALOGY!! THANK YOU!! 💜🦋🐋
Dr. Delony said he was quoting Esther Perel who originally made the 9/11 analogy.
Thank you, Lewis, for always giving proper credit to the original author/speaker (like Esther here). Many podcast influencers do not.
Thank you so much for your feedback 🙂
@@lewishowes Love your show -- one of few I enjoy & respect. As a former higher ed admin/ counselor myself, I recognize & appreciate your humor, compassion, training, & expertise infused with additional insights from fellow professionals (like Ester Perel). You don't chide, but you DO call a spade a spade 😉. And suggest a plan of action that refuses to coddle or avoid the hard path THROUGH it. Quality podcast. Thk you for providing it.
I would love to know the real statistics of couples that tried to rebuilt after infidelity, 3, 5, 10 years. I think the odds of success are very very slim. I say move on and put the effort of building with someone else.
On the other hand cheating is very common, so it would be unrealistic that only faithful couples made it through.
Marriage is a commitment though, even though very hard things sometimes. So it depends. When you look at infidelity stats, you see how scarily common it is! You can end the marriage, like if the partner doesn’t take accountability, blames you, or has someone else they full blown love- I’d leave. I’m not gonna try to say “pick me!” f*** that.
But if he or she is remorseful, then comes clean, and takes accountability?
And if they both still love eachother, truly want to TRY and work it out if married and especially with a family. Trying to rebuild the relationship, do therapy, do the work? I’ve seen ppl tell others to divorce over finding spouse had online affair chats with strangers that never even met in person. It’s worse if it crosses the line into physical, or a secret relationship affair that’s awful. If there’s still love, you can consider it, but get help and resources. Divorce is an option but it’s a last resort IMO.
I would like to know the real statistics of those who chose me over us . Going through a divorce now because he chose himself over us.
Stayed 11 years!
@@Jenny-ls7hfBetrayal is betrayal! It doesn’t matter what form it comes in! You can get just as infatuated with someone online as you can with someone sitting next to you! It’s still BETRAYAL!
My EX HUSBAND- HE WAS A “me, myself & I” never was I considered an equal or for a decision. He only told me when h blew up something & wanted me to find answers and help HIM from some SHIET he did
I like him a lot too but Lewis is my favorite
Thank you so much for your feedback 🙂
Me me me. My opinion. My plan. My life. Mine. Me. And if you do not act like that, you’ll be drained to please other people. You must become a ”me” person or the other me’s step over you.
This is so positive and hope filled. 🙏 thank you 😊 🙏 💓
You're welcome, thank you for watching🧡
@@lewishowes tx
I just started reading Men are from Mars Women are from Venus I'm only 4 chapters in but I think it opened the way I think about my partner and men in general
Dr. John!!! Love his advice.
Wow !!!
Such a powerful example !
I really needed to hear this. Love Esther Perel
Appreciate you for listening!
Wisdom. Preach
Profound wisdom
AWESOME! THANK YOU! ❤
THE TWIN TOWERS ANALOGY IS SPOT ON!
Great analogy
I’m still there for someone, just not in the same capacity. Once you hurt my innerchild, you can go kick rocks.
Straight up truth
Most sensible thing I've heard from him.
I would say unrealistic expectations.
Sad but true.
My pet peeve is selfishness/ self - centered behavior.
And Im now surrounded
Everyday
Thank you for sharing 🥰🪴
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
That was a perfect analogy.❤❤❤
Very certain and well said.
Unfortunately, seems like many people support and encourage the “me over us” / “individual over community”, as well as the “don’t look back, what’s done is done, let’s pretend nothing has happened and move on” ideologies… even some counselors and “experts” do, which validates this selfish and irresponsible way of life which unfortunately hurts the fair and non-selfish ones.
A great portion of society uses media in such a way that it encourages and enables this thinking.
Unfortunately, it enhances selfish traits over positive ones, as well as validates traits present in very unfortunate conditions such as narcissistic personality disorder, which brings lots of pain, stress and negativity to those who suffer it and their close ones.
Blessings to all.
Thanks for watching!
That was my husbands issue. It was all me. I wanted for us to get help to come together and understand or listen to each other. Sadly but thankfully (after reflection) we will finally be divorced tomorrow 😃 I can start rebuilding my life with my children.
Great analogy ❤
Yeah, good luck with that.
The outlaw jossie Wales said it best
(There ain't no forgetten)
The fun thing is, that there is no us, there are two individuals that live together and you cant merch or something. To be in healthy relationships is to respect each other as me and me
Great analogy. If it's a younger couple in question ? Just leave
Beautifully said
So beautifully explained ❤
In Western society people live in "me over us" and suffer, in Eastern society, people suffer from "us (everyone) over me". We need the healthy balance.
BRILLIANT !!!
Thank you for watching🧡
The truth no one is ready for.....
This is spot on ❤
🙌
True but sad. 😢
Me over us what a dynamic concept thank you❤sums it all up
Well said.
Love You Both!❤
NAILS IT!!!
Satisfying individual needs is OK. However, there are often times when it's "we before me" to get many of these needs met. Deep down, human beings are social animals, no matter where in the world.
So valid! Me over us mentality….
Completely true!
Thank you for watching🧡
Yep. Selfishness and self-centeredness.
When you are facing famine and everything gets so hard, it is hard to give. The economy is doing this to all of us. We are burned out and living in fear. Everything is expensive and hard to replace. Also people have become more callous and cannot stick through the hard times when someone is not willing to try.
Great analogy!!!’
👍
I love this❤
Beautiful ❤
Brilliant! 👏 👏 👏 👏
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
I love u dr John ❤️🙏
The number one solution to fixing relationship problems is never have a relationship in the first place.
Problem solved before it began.
YES I AGREE 💯 PERCENT!!!
Thanks for being here!