This Is What Happens When the Unfaithful Spouse Doesn't Forgive Themselves
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 ส.ค. 2019
- Today Samuel shares the battle unfaithful spouses must work through towards self compassion.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
Lesson to learn. Don't cheat!!!!!!!!!! Whether you are married or in a relationship.
You can tell when someone is really sorry. I do have compassion for the unfaithful. It’s really hard to live with shame. Desperate people do desperate things. Everyone deserves a second chance. Great video. It’s awesome you touch all bases.
thank you sir. means a ton.
Thank you so much....... Thank you so so much.... This means a lot....I am crying now.... 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Thank you for saying this
Thank you so much man
Thank you so much for doing this video. As an unfaithful I needed to hear this stuff. You're right there is no encouragement anywhere for the unfaithful. Seeing a therapist is helping for real though, to see objectively and realize both sides, especially my own side when I am seeing it through self hatred filled eyes on my own. This feeling distorts a lot of things. I know the betrayed are deeply hurt but the unfaithful, the ones truly remorseful of their mistake, don't have it easy either. Oftentimes I sit and think what a horrible trauma this is for both of us, but then i remember it was my mistake that caused it and it brings back the self hatred again. Pray for healing for me and my wife please. Thank you again!
drummerjstone it takes a lot of courage to admit your mistake and make a commitment. I really hope and pray that you can forgive completely yourself and both you and your wife can heal.
Same boat brother. It hurts to see them hurt
How r u and your wife now
How are you ?
Cheating isn’t a mistake, it’s a bad decision and hopefully you’ll begin to accept it an forgive yourself for the bad decision
Shame is crushing me for lying. Didn’t have an affair but the consequence is the same. I’m so ashamed of myself. Thank you as this is the best one I’ve heard in context.
My husband not forgiving himself has caused a mess, another betrayal, now substance to numb the pain from himself. Idk how to move forward, he can’t move forward, I have forgiven him, but I have yet to fully heal, cause his forgiveness prevents both of us from moving on.
Thanks for the video.
Pray for my family.
🙏🏽
Oh, Megan I hope you are in a better place
I can’t forgive myself for cheating. In my head it means I’m okay with what I did. My relationship ended bc of my actions and even now it feels like cheating if I try and move on. Worst feeling ever
Same here brother
Same man
How do you feel now?
Same
You stated exactly how I feel. I cannot forgive myself for what I did to my husband.
Not all unfaithful are monsters. You have hit the nail on the head. Thank you
I am the betrayed I have explained to my husband he needs to forgive himself for causing the pain so in order for us to move on together we need to heal together and grow together. I love him so much and I know he really loves me. I have forgiven him not the act but he made an awful mistake everyone deserves a chance to move on
This was such an amazing video... as the 'betrayed' this video has made me understand why my partner has been acting in exactly this way. Its so accurate. I took these actions as just being selfish and was acting like he did not care. I never thought of why he was actually acting like this or where it was coming from.
What about when the unfaithful forgives themselves to soon? Or if the betrayed hasn't forgiven yet? Doesn't that create problems if the unfaithful is trying to forgive themselves and move on when the betrayed is still trying to process and forgive the unfaithful for the hurt and pain they have caused. The most common line I hear is " you need to get over it and move on". And " I think you like dwelling on it and being miserable".
Thank you Samuel, for your wisdom and insight. As a betrayed spouse, I am finding many of these videos, very helpful.
Oh my gosh… this is so me. Thank you so much for this video.
Wow Sam, awesome video my H has had 2 affairs, and his LO just left him. I've done amazing work on my own and I'm so happy with what I have accomplished, but if he doesn't get help to see what he needs to do or work on, he will always be that broken person who just doesn't get it.
I hope my unfaithful wife will listen carefully to this video. I do not know if she has forgiven herself for what she did to me, to us, but I am sure I do not feel much if any empathy from her. She wants to pretend it never happened. I do not think she understands that the relationship we had is dead and gone, so she takes no initiative to heal and to try to build a new relationship.
how are you doing now?
Very good video! Very informative for my situation!! That you so much 🙏🏾
Thank you Samuel! This topic was presented well and as the betrayed I always appreciate your insight into the struggles of the unfaithful. It helps me.
This explains why my ex husband was always defensive and unable to express empathy and validation toward the trauma I felt after his two affairs and 20+ years of sexual addiction. He is now seeing a counselor and attending SA meetings. Prayerfully he will find the healing and freedom God has for him.
Did SA meetings help?
Thanks Samuel. Can't wait for part 2. Forgiving myself seems impossible most of the time.
@@proudseeker4814 hi there, as an unfaithful spouse I can assure you that it wasn’t because I got caught. I simply couldn’t keep it from my husband any longer and chose to confess. Let me tell you, there was absolutely no chance of my husband finding out but it truly killed me inside to realize what I had done. He has forgiven me and are currently working into making our marriage stronger. This does not mean that I am pretending that nothing happened or try to rush him during his healing. I am truly remorseful and still feel the dark shame from time to time but I have to push forward.
Great video!. I am the betrayed,but I still enjoyed it. It gave me some perspective.
Hi Samuel, as a betrayed spouse, I can fully comprehend what you are trying to explain. After months of ups and dpwns, we struggled with massive emotions, fights, confrontations, forgiveness, fights again etc etc. This video speaks some truth of the internal struggles that the unfaithful is going through. Thank you for confirming my painful experience and observations.
very welcome. thank you for your kind words.
It's been 5 months now and I still feel guilty and see myself as an asshole. We are no longer together but I still can't seem to forgive myself and am honestly lost on what else I can do...
have you figured out how to deal with it yet..?
How is your former spouse doing?
I'm unable to forgive myself.. It's been over a year since the D day.. I haven't been able to answer some of the questions.. Either I don't have the answer or I don't remember.. My spouse is still angry, doesn't sleep, hurts a lot.. When I see him like this it is hard to forgive myself
I really hope that you find and you’re able to forgive yourself for your mistake and both of you can heal.
@@endtimes6550 I cheated on my husband. It was my own selfish needs and I broke his heart. He has forgiven me and I am trying so hard to earn his heart and trust again. I am completely repulsed of that version of myself and I don’t understand how I could have hurt him like this. Our marriage is filled with far more communication, transparency and love than ever before. But I can’t help feeling like a disgusting person and it’s really killing me.
@@kmp8985 I am in the same boat. Our relationship has gotten so much better but I cant forgive myself. I am ashamed of that version of me and I dont know how I could let it happen. My husband is truly an angel, but I feel I cannot talk to him about this. I dont want to keep putting him through this or reliving it especially since it was my fault.
I feel the same. I'm so shamed and can't believe I did this to God and my husband.
It’s difficult to forget when you are betrayed by someone you decided to spend life with…forgiveness will come with time
So why is it the betrayed catches the hell for what they didnt cause? Why dont the affair partner catch any of this anger and rage? I didnt cause this affair so why am I the one that gets the anger and rage?
Another great video, Samuel!
It's been almost 7 months since D-day and my wife is still continuing on with the affair and has filed for divorce. We are a month away from things pretty much being final and I truly believe she hasn't forgiven herself. I've worked on myself and continued being the role model my two boys need but soon enough the divorce will be completed and she'll have to ultimately live with these decisions. I hope anyone in the situation, especially with children truly work on themselves first because your children deserve the best you! Don't let someone else's choices effect YOUR future. YOU make the choice to rise up to the challenge of being a better YOU!
Hi Martel, just reading your post and hoping that you are doing ok. I can't imagine what you are going through right now. Praying for healing for you.
I am proud of how you are doing, I know it's tough, but damn are you making the best of it.
D day was last Sunday this is super fresh but this is very helpful being the betrayed. My wife has been through hell in life and was never shown love by anyone but me
Thank you Martel… your story is me in the future…. I’m currently in the third week since D-Day and the biggest barrier seems to be her desire to be punished enough.
Update
Looking forward to Part II!!
Great video.I found it encouraging
What about the unfaithful who feels she/he does not need any forgiveness because in their mind it's "All over" and "those were different circumstances" (basically blaming the victim)?
What about those unfaithful who genuinely feel like the victim because their spouse is still trying to understand what's happening and trying to cope but gets put down every time they dare to show an emotion (yes, including anger)?
While it's good that they try to work in their own healing, shouldn't they do whatever it takes to show the betrayed that they are not in fact just trying to hear what they need to so they can justify or belittle the problem?
It was hard to objectively watch this and not react the way you told me not to react. Very hard.
These videos are exactly what I needed to hear. And like you said, this doesn't mean that I have found what I needed and it's all better now.
I made a horrible mistake. The one thing I have never stood for. The one thing I never thought I was capable of. That she never thought I was capable of.
Yet it did happen. No matter how much I would love to go back and prevent it from happening, I can't. But it has caused me to become more aggressive without fully seeing it, and I need to heal in order to be a better husband and prove to her and especially to myself it will not happen again.
i am both an unfaithful and a betrayed. i think that’s my karma for kissing another while with someone. i still feel guilt on my shoulders to this day and it happened about 3 years ago. he said he had forgiven me but now he hates me completely and that’s 100% okay. i wanted to find a way to let go from this shame and upset and this video has helped me. thank you
how are you now i did the same thing
My unfaithful spouse can’t even admit to her affair. She thinks she did nothing wrong. Started affair June 2017 asked for divorce nov 2017. Stoppped affair June of 2018 but still going through divorce.
Thanks, I’m trying to understand my husband in both of our efforts to heal. I will share this with him because I suspect he is one of those you’re referencing .
I appreciate your videos. I know the importance of forgiveness but I carry no hope of it. I want it but I see how my choices hurt so many people. I have a hard time even with Gods forgiveness and I KNOW he forgives absolutely even before I ever cheated.
hi carrie, so was jesus's crucifixion enough for mankind? was his sacrifice insufficient for our sins? to not forgive yourself is to imply that jesus and what he did was not enough for you........ forgiveness doesn't mean it was ok, it means you're accepting it. humbling yourself. realizing you can't save yourself.
@@samshealingpodcast
Much for me to chew on and meditate there
I was unfaithful and its the worst thing Ive ever done to anyone in my life even after 3 years I still cringe when anyone talks about infidelity. I would do anything to be able to undo it for his sake. I dont care about myself my guilt is my punishment but knowing how much I hurt him is a level of hell I dont wish on anyone. I ended the relationship because he resented me and would always put me down after, other people started to notice. I knew it was over and left even though he wanted me to stay. I couldnt live in the shame anymore or with his hatred toward me. I dont think its ever repairable afterwards, I wish I would have just left.
Once trust is broken is hard.
This is what is happening and ive explained and shared this thought to no avail. I dont know what to do,im exhausted putting up with all this crap.
My husband watched it (the unfaithful) his response was "how can i even fathom beginning to forgive myself until YOU have forgiven me??" *side note* we are 7 months from D-Day and actively working together to become better than before. I see and feel the remorse and empathy and him actively trying to be a better man, however, im not sure that i will ever fully "forgive" him. He knows this and accepts this as im sure there's things ive done that he may never fully forgive.
you can forgive. doesn't mean you'll forget. remember, all this is a process. i would give some thought to one of these courses for you both or each other: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses
Are you guys still working it out?
Thank you.
The 4 Agreements:
"Be impeccable with your word."
"Do not take anything personally."
"Do not make assumptions."
"Always do your best."
I’m grateful for these video blogs
Please please explain how can the unfaithful feel a victim and justified in there actions and behaviors. Please help us understand that? It seems like a sociopath
Can you do a video for couples who both betrayed?
But how does one forgive themselves for the "unforgiveable" ? Samuel, how did you for give yourself?I ask you for your prayers for my wife and I. I may have waited till it was too late to save our marriage but we still need to heal. So I am asking in all sincerity how to forgive myself for betraying the most loyal and best thing that has ever happened to me?FYI I did go to a counselor but he told me I was fine... that was about 5 months ago...I am far from fine...I start seeing a new counselor in a couple weeks?
here are a couple of helpful videos I talk about the subject: th-cam.com/video/mkRdVrhA_6s/w-d-xo.html th-cam.com/video/z_1m5pjhpIs/w-d-xo.html remember, you're not perfect and never have been. we're all capable of evil things if we're not careful. yes, you made a horrible decision, but shaming yourself and beating yourself up and continuing to remind yourself of what you've done is not actually helping....it's shame. shame says i am something bad when conviction or sorrow for our choices says i've done something bad. it's about letting go of self hatred and resentment and choosing to live with yourself and extending mercy to yourself for your choices. it's about focusing on your victim(s) and not yourself and your own pain. more here as well: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame
I pray you all can forgive yourselves ,,, you must ,, my husband of 36 years had an affair to the shock of everyone that knew him , us and our family ,, long story but he actually couldn’t forgive himself and devastatingly succeeded in taking his own life 💔,, having affairs are devastating,, 😭
Hi Samuel, I have been watching your videos for some time now and I was just wondering if you might provide any sessions over the phone. I am the unfaithful and I would really like to have a one-on-one phone session to talk about my situation with you!
hi Bob. i'm sorry buddy, but I can't keep up. i've been inundated and it's not possible. but, you can email me at info@hope-now and ask them to push it to me and then i'll see what suggestions i can make for you. please make sure the email is brief or i won't be able to respond.
Samuel. We're done, but within months he was dating, and in 6 months living with yet someone new, not his affair partner. Is this the behavior of someone who feels shame, regret, guilt, self-loathing, etc.?
What do you do when the unfaithful spouse doesn't feel remorse for what they did?
As the betrayed, this video has given me more information and insight on what my husband is going through. (I take something out of all of your videos.)He doesn't want to talk about his affairs and says he will help in anyway...but really just wants me to get over it. There is one thing I have been asking him to do that he hasn't. Maybe wrong for asking. We have 4 adult children that I believe he needs to apologize to as well. He hasn't even mentioned the affairs to them. They know..he just doesn't say anything about it and thinks all is fine... Any chance you can do a video on apologizing to your kids?
i'm not sure about that but i appreciate the suggestion. here is an article on telling the kids though that Rick did a while ago: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/2011-07-27-children-infidelity-part-2 it's vital you let him know by word and action that you're not going to be able to heal if he won't talk about it and work through it.
@@samshealingpodcast thank you so much!! I have just been trying to find information on what is does to your kids. All of your videos have really got me through some rough times. I again thank you and the staff for all that you do to get us through this.
She came to me in the sleeping hours
And she sang to me in the moonlight:
"Where did you dance when you baffled our chance,
And when did the motley bells chime?"
I summoned a verse from a chorus of blame,
But it drowned in the ghost of her song.
He came to me in the sleeping hours
And he called to me in the moonlight:
"Why does the fold now weep to behold,
And how does it feel to be free?"
I tendered the words from the tears of the same,
But they dried as the dawn came upon.
They came to me in the sleeping hours
And they whispered to me in the moonlight:
"What did you reap when you floated the keep,
And whom did you trust with the key?"
I buried my head in a cushion of shame -
And I woke to find them all gone.
Sammuel..... so as a BS, what are you advising us do? How do we treat the WS during this process? I can only be "so" understanding
i don't believe i was advising you what to do, but educating you on the struggle and mindset of the unfaithful. if i were you, i would get expert help for both of you. i would demand that he take part in getting help through an infidelity specific medium like our site and at least do something that is on that level of expertise. even if it's baby steps, it's vital to get help and go slow and steady as you both work through your pain.
I wouldn't say it comforts me bur it had alot of truth and insites
I've been trying to tell my husband he needs to forgive himself
It’s definitely not easy
Go to 3:50 minute mark to skip the fluff & get to the meat & potatoes.
What if they constantly cheat
He’s never been faithful to any of his wives he cheated on each wife while we were pregnant and after his second wife (I’m third) she forgave and did therapy and while in therapy he cheated again and talked his wife into another baby and then me not knowing his past truths got dealt the same treatment I was 8 months pregnant and he cheated and he is trying to get me back says he’s sorry but he is a covert narcissist because he’s very controlling too but he’s a serial cheater so I have a hard time believing he’s sorry and he also blamed her and he blames me too and he’s never confessed it’s only with evidence that he will trickle truth about it and he tells me if i don’t forgive and take him back he has a list of females who want him because he’s hot and successful but I don’t think he’s really changed because he’s very prideful and still dishonest about other lies i caught him in recently
Thank you.