@@paulmichaelfreedman8334 I think out loud on my own and I really need that time and space to do that and process stuff. I cannot do this infront of my boyfriend though. He cannot hear it as anything other than stressful noise that does his nut in. I have found when I cannot process out loud, I can hold off racing thoughts by humming repetitive riffs, or classical tunes. I hope he can cope with that coz I don't know what else I can do.
Same here! I’ve thought out loud for my whole life, and almost everyone in my family do it as well. People like to say that sounds “crazy” and belittle the behavior, but it’s simply another way of thinking/processing!
I'm honestly in tears I never hear anyone talk about this, especially the suppression battle and going into every interaction consciously holding back so much
This also made me cry because I am trying so damn hard to not ever speak. I am very very quick thinker tho, And I read other ques as well. So I'm trying to sometimes speed the Convo up... usually because I'm engaged and excited... Or I'm bored to death And want to get away.
Haha all the time especially when being told off but I am too scared to confess my real condition. Ive tried so many times to convince managers I really am not a rude person.
The best solution is to talk with other people who do the same. It is normal for some of us and we don't mind that we talk over each other. As you say, it is more engaging that way. (But I acknowledge that some people can't stand it.)
Auditory processing is SO difficult for me! I think I don't hear correctly, but then 10 seconds later the words arrive at my brain. But reading is my favorite way to absorb info. Taking notes helps me to listen, too. 😊
OMG, seriously?!?!?!?!?!? Interrupting can be a form of listening????? This resonates so deeply with me! AT LAST I FEEL UNDERSTOOD!!!! 😃 Thank you, Paul! Thank you so much for this!
My daughter is a verbal processor. In school she often got in trouble for talking in class. If a teacher reprimanded her for talking, she would "zone out". One teacher told me she timed her and my daughter didn't appear to be aware of what was going on around her for about an hour and a half after being told to stop talking. After all, if you can't engage with your environment, what can you do? You go in your head and continue the conversation there. I've told teachers that my daughter needs to tutor others so that she can learn the material. They don't get it. How can she help others if she is struggling? I tried to explain that that's how she learns; she has to say it. They can't understand how she can teach something she doesn't know until she teaches it. I'm telling you, that's the way it is. I've been told "That's not how we teach." To which I respond, "That's how she learns!"
Former teacher here. I can't believe her teachers are pretending that they don't know that the best way to learn something is to try to teach it. It's true even (and especially!) for teachers.
Story of my life……constantly whipping as I try not to talk. When I get excited, I talk a lot to “get it out” and then realise or feel shame as I’ve spoken too much or for too long
This is one of your talks for which I wish their was something stronger than the like button! Oh, my! Primarily a verbal processor, which doesn't work so well with being alone most of the time! So, I talk as if to other people whether they are present, listening, or not... I don't care anymore about looking strange! Have long said that "weird" is simply "wired" spelled differently...
This is so good. I constantly feel like I'm holding myself back in social situations and I'm so unsure of what's appropriate to say, so I end up saying nothing. But when I'm with someone I'm comfortable with, I can talk and talk and talk and I interrupt all the time, but it's usually with anecdotes to show I'm interested and understand what they're saying. I also talk to myself all the time when I'm alone, usually about topics I'm trying to understand better. This makes so much sense!
@@paulmichaelfreedman8334 and then come across as rude or uncaring, narcissistic, etc... All while just having trouble with overactive thoughts and focus.
I remember clearly, in 7th grade, I was copying all the words my science teacher was saying, with a quiet voice, to try to understand what they were teaching. They called me out on it and thought I was mocking them. With tears in my eyes I promised I wouldn’t think of that, I was really trying to learn!
I have done this my whole life unintentionally as well as a lot of other things we Aspies do. It feels so good to understand those things and know now what I didnt know 30 years ago.
Agreed, I turned 50 on the 14th of june, and hopefully my diagnosis will be made within the next couple of months (long waiting list) but the expectation of my spychologist is that I have high functioning autism (DSM V version of that officially) and ADD. It's nice to know I am not alone in this world struggling with most things in life. It has cost me a lot and for a while I was lathargic, couldn't care less what happened to me, totally depressed. But I am doing much much better now I know things and even decided to reboot my business (IT and networks/WiFi) which I thought for a while I was done with. But I was wrong and it lures me again.
@@paulmichaelfreedman8334 how did you turn things around for yourself? I am also a bit 'mature' and have lost almost everything. I do not know how to get a do-over now, so late in life.
@@jaex7418 Well, long story short, in my darkest hour, I met a woman. She took me in and took care of me. It has taken some time (years) and I've had plenty relapses into moments of depression and helplessness, but things are improving. Since then she has been diagnosed with ADHD and ADD, so we're pretty well matched lol. In my case I should say it was a miracle. Not that this information helps you but I do hope you find the strength to find optimism in things and realise that miracles do happen.
@@paulmichaelfreedman8334 thank you for responding. I really appreciate you taking the time out to share. I am loathe to attach my buggy to someone else's horse. Been there, done that, have a lot of t-shirts. Maybe I will get good at a thing one day.
Strangely, reading out loud makes it a lot more difficult for me to understand the information, like my voice is distracting me from the information in the text.
Yea, I get that. It's like I have to process multiple things at the same time: 1. What am I reading? 2. What am I hearing? 3. What are my thoughts about the things I read? 4. How do I get my mouth to be quick enough to follow along with my eyes to make sure point 1&2 do match? Ironically I can voice out my thoughts concerning the text while reading quietly just with my eyes and that does not get me confused about what I was reading but helps me to remember things better.
Glad to know I'm not alone! Whenever someone asks me to read something out loud, if I want to actually know what I read, I'll have to go back and read it silently
I think out loud a lot bc I'm working through my thought process. At one of my old jobs a girl blantantly asked me why I talk to myself so much and then made fun of me for it. She made me feel like I was weird and everyone just went along with it and laughd. I hadn't really noticed it before then and have been so incredibly self conscious about it since.
I forget what I was going to say, when I hold my thoughts in too long. I try not to cut into the conversation too many times and then I forget what I wanted to add into the conversation.
Me, too. I do just fine in conversations that are back and forth. But it is miserable for me to try to interact with someone who monologues or interrupts. I'd rather just walk away from that. And choose to talk to people who naturally let the conversation go back and forth before either of us forgets.
You just changed my life. I was on a 35 year journey to understanding, why I can’t have a satisfactory dialogue for me and the other party and why I keep interrupting, no matter how hard I try.
If I dont say what I want to say at that second and wait for the other person to finish, I will forget what I was going to say and also forget what they were saying. I need constant repetition or I forget alot.
I don't think that I am on the spectrum, but I interrupt a lot for the same reason. And if I don't interject a question/comment then, the conversation may move on from that point and my question will no longer be relevant.
I know how you feel. I think the best option is to get really good at jotting down notes to ourselves. That's not always an option, but it helps a lot in business meetings where interrupting can have really negative consequences.
@@susanmercurio1060 Exactly. I also know its rude to interrupt, so I just force myself to let it go. I usually keep to myself and an extremely small circle of close friends.
I am so bad for this, I really have to work on it all the time. Funnily though, I have a friend that is adhd and when we talk together lots of the time we actually talk over the top of each other and still can make sense of it all. Neither of us is offended cos we just carry on regardless to finish what we’re saying. I actually find it amusing that we can do it, cos it’s rare amongst people to get away with it and still have a successful conversation. Well it works for us anyway.🤣
I do it with my sister, it's like there are 2 parallel conversations going on at once but we are both listening to eachother and just talking about different things and also responding to eachother too
Wow! So real! As a kid and teen, I drove my mom crazy because I had to whisper things as I read them, and I read all the time! Now I understand why I did that! And I still do, and I'm a senior citizen now. 🙂 Thank you!
I am a bit late to comment, but THANK YOU so much for this video. I am totally a verbal processor, but I didn’t even think it existed since now. I’ve trained myself to “shut up”, but when I do it, I don’t understand anything. People always tell me that I talk a lot and that I’m a great listener; I thought it was contradictory, but it’s not, it’s just my way of clearly understanding what other people are saying! 🙌
@@baegiby4496 i was also thinking that 'thought' actually does work in the context of the sentence. This does need to be thought about and taught in school.
I wish I could like this video multiple times, this has been the most eye-opening, interesting, helpful, and enlightening video I've ever watched. I'm a verbal processor and I had no idea that it was linked to my autism at all, I thought I was just a bit of a jerk because I always talked over people, and all the harmful messages you listed I said to myself all the time without even realising it. I always have that slight delay when listening to people talk and trying to process what they said without repeating it out loud myself, and again, I just thought I was slow or stupid. When I read things out loud, things instantly make sense. It must be why I adore public speaking so much despite a lot of autistics usually hating it. I also really love talking out loud in class, especially in English or Philosophy when I can talk for ages about key ideas as it really helps me understand them myself. I've always talked to myself for as long as I can remember; I talk to myself when completing tasks, especially if people have asked me to do those tasks as whenever people ask me to do tasks it takes me ages to process what I'm supposed to do and get it right, even if it's really simple, so when I mumble under my breath the task again, I can understand it and do it properly, I just thought I was really stupid. Thank you so, so much for this video, at every point you made I learnt something new, and I genuinely think it's changed my life for the better. Thank you.
I have also struggled with this for decades, and with the general challenging of "oversharing." Yet I am a very successful adult professional. I have overcome decades of social challenges in becoming a successful adult.
With me, it's different. I can't hear the vocal cue that tells people, "I'm through speaking now. Your turn." Therefore, I never know when it's safe to start speaking.
Sometimes, I don't think it is that issue. It is that they pause so long between their sentences or thoughts that they seem to have been done speaking. Then they start again just as you do. See if that might be what is happening for you?
@@Growmap This is me, I know when to start speaking but never know if it is a long pause or if they are truly done. To make it worse they will look away briefly, signaling to me that they are done with the current conversation.
THIS! YES! I don't know when the pause is long enough or if it's not a full stop because everyone has partial thoughts as well and I will completely lose what I'm trying to say when they finish their par of dialogue, I apologize for speaking over them Then they ask me what I was going to say, and it's gone. I really hope I find this cue, even in my significant other of many years. I still don't know his cues. But he understands I am a verbal processor and that that helps me so much more than him being upset about being interrupted does. It's helps us not argue much about that too. Anyway I really wish that was a readable cue or something that we could know is happening.
Hahah no manches, i totally understand what you’re saying 😂 my cousins and I are diagnosed neurodivergent but I swear my whole family is neurodivergent (undiagnosed) and Hispanic so our house is let’s just say very LIVELY lol we also speak really loudly haha peace and love to you and your family ❤
Just thank you, thank you thank you for this video. Recently lost all my “friends” all over again due to verbal processing unknowingly and me thinking I was just being this confident (fake) and engaging person and them putting on fake facial expressions for over a year and pretending to actually like me talking to them. Sigh the life we lead 😔
I really wish that hadn't happened to you, because I've been through it several times myself and I can't think of a much worse feeling. No one should ever have to feel that. I just wanted you to know that I understand how that feels, for whatever that is worth.
Same. I am ok with not having friends at this point. I have allowed myself to be taken advantage of too many times. Somehow, it gets turned around on me that *I'm* the one taking advantage of them. I do not understand and I do not have the energy for that anymore. I only want to be allowed to live a real life, like other humans get to do. *My* authentic life...but society tells me that kind of life is unacceptable.
One advice I may give? Be very selective with making friends. That is hard when you are desperate for new friends because you have none left. Having friends is less important than being able to be who you are. So if you are to have friends they are to be like you. Look for yourself in another. That should be your rule of thumb. But that's just my thoughts out loud :) My current No. of friends: 0.0 (besides my GF and close family, which is enoug for me in essence). It would be nice to have a bosom friend again though, who knows what the future brings.
@@jaex7418 I feel exactly the same, especially the not getting what the problem is part (and being exhausted trying to figure it out). It gets lonely though. How are you handling that? Or are you just not (trying to ignore, etc)? I truly am sorry to hear that you have to feel this too.
@@explorelearnshare8222 I am reclaiming my inner ambivalent apathy and talking to internet strangers. I will not lie... it is very sad, at times. I am also able to find some inner peace if I live more slowly. It allows my true self to come to into my awareness a bit, instead of my prior programming from past experiences. Have you ever cleaned a whole floor of tile grout with a toothbrush? Cut a 10' x 5' patch of grass with scissors? That kind of stuff. Sounds crazy but quarantine life helped me to bask in the silence of my me and I liked it.
Wow- I have tried to stop this my whole life with little success. I dread team meetings in small rooms because I have to cover up how I engage in discussions and it takes so much energy. Exactly as you said, when I sit quietly to fit in, I have no idea what has been said and struggle to remember. I then think I am slow and make errors because I didn’t understand the directions. So true!
And thus I take notes during meetings and phone calls so as not to interrupt and appear to be rude. I recently learned that I'm Not Rude, I'm Autistic, and I tend to process things better verbally because I have hypersensitive hearing and can hear ev-er-y-thing. Isolating one source of auditory input is difficult. There's even constant noise inside my own head, almost like the buzz of electricity or the ring of a hair dryer at the other end of the house. I actually asked my husband one quiet night if he could hear someone using a hair dryer at the other end of the house. Nope, it was just brain noise.... which may be different from the pitched tone of tinnitus that I might hear for a couple moments within a month. Oversharing again? Yeah, probably. But now I've learned, "I'm Not Crazy, I'm Autistic."
This absolutely describes me. It's in my job's nature for the schedule and plan to change a lot, and I feel stupid at work when I have to think out loud through a seemingly minor inconvenience. Especially when I say my new plan out loud and realize how bad it is. But that's the only way that I'm able to really work through what I need to change on a dime, and once I say it out loud then I have the better idea and go with that. But I really feel like an annoyance to my coworkers, who are probably thinking "just figure it out, it's not that hard." I also have noticed that just looking at my work schedule isn't enough, I -have- to say my shift times out loud or I won't remember them (and same with most other plans/time or number related things). I was told constantly as a child to stop talking because the subject isn't interesting, or it's repetitive, just annoying, etc. I was told that they "tuned me out, " and my mom apologized to others for me "talking their ear off" which still hurts to remember. I was also told not to "be upset" after being told to stop talking in the middle of what I was saying, and then they took my immediate silence and sadness to mean that I was grumpy and pouting about it and then it was all still completely my fault. Even my current therapist told me in a joking way that I wouldn't shut up, and I took that really hard after the session, but I never told her how upset that made me. I'm very aware now of when people are straight-up ignoring me and have no clue what I'm saying (often they'll mention the exact same thing minutes later as if I hadn't already brought it up), but even then I just cannot shut up. I feel horrible when I know that people aren't listening to me, because it reminds me of being completely disregarded for years. My small friend group growing up would interrupt me at every single thing I said, to the point where when I got to high school and my new friends actually started listening, I would literally just stop talking in the middle of my sentences because I hadn't had any practice actually finishing my thoughts. So I would stop talking, realize that they were actually listening and looking at me, and then I had to nervously scramble to figure out how I was going to end my sentence. Because of this I tend to feel really hurt whenever someone innocently interrupts me, and I don't want to be upset because I know that they don't mean any harm and, like you said, there are so many understandable reasons why people interrupt others (adhd being one of them, which many of my friends had/have). But that doesn't change the fact that I get very deflated and am immediately taken back to when no one cared about what I had to say. That applies to text conversations, too--if someone doesn't respond to something I typed, I take that as them intentionally ignoring and disregarding me, which I know can't be true all the time. No matter how bad and guilty and annoying I feel for talking so much in any given situation, even when I know in the back of my mind that I'm being too talkative, I still just can't stop talking. I very often cover my mouth with a hand or softly bite my lips to physically stop myself from talking, especially when I notice that I accidentally cut someone off (which I wouldn't want to do to anyone else since it makes me feel so bad). As a 26 year old I still apologize constantly for talking too much, even when they tell me they don't mind or they're even happy to hear what I have to say. (And then of course, I attempt to apologize for apologizing and try to stop myself before I just go in circles.) Regardless of that, if what I'm saying isn't being reciprocated in any way, I get anxious and feel the need to keep on talking, desperately trying to find the right topic that the person will finally jump in on. I always start and carry conversations, but I annoy myself so much in every social situation that I don't like hanging out in voice chat very often (for example), because I know that no matter what, I'll end the call feeling guilty and overanalyzing everything I said all night. It sucks to simultaneously feel guilty and annoying for talking, while also being hurt and offended if people don't listen. I don't want to be like that, so I never tell anyone if I feel ignored and just keep it to myself--reminding myself that it's not their fault, which in turn... kind of makes it mine instead, again. Anyway, I really appreciate hearing all of this. I hadn't heard anything about this at this angle, and it's really helpful for me to think about it this way. I knew that I talked a lot because of autism, but framing it this way makes me feel less guilty and more like I'm just employing the strategy that works for me. I won't feel as bad thinking out loud at work, because I know that that's just sincerely the way that I have to go about my day or I'm completely lost and make wrong decisions. I still will feel bad for talking in general to friends, but that's just kind of how it's gonna be. Thank you again, this video and others on your channel have been so helpful. It's been really touching to know that someone actually understands the more specific problems I have, /and/ has tips to help with them. You're helping so many people out there.
So much of what you've said here, damn near everything you've said, sounds so much like what I went through and still go through for a second I thought we were related. It hurt to read this. It's so true it hurt. If I realize I'm still talking after a minute, I stop too, and yes, sometimes in the middle of my own sentence. I just, can't... I was maybe 5 the first time I saw the Atlantic Ocean, and I remember quietly walking on the sand next to my mom holding her hand until she stopped and just looking out at it, and she said my name and said, "Do you see that? Do you see how big it is? It's not as big as your mouth," and we stood for maybe a few seconds more then turned and walked back. The last time I remember trying was maybe around 8 or 9 and after saying/stating/mentioning some fact or info of some such re school to my mom she actually asked me something about it, a follow up question of some sort. It was HUGE and I couldn't believe it. I was surprised and excited. it was a big deal. So I started to tell her about whatever it was and almost as soon as I started to talk she walked right out of the room. The dentist was the only one to ever tell me my mouth was too small. How about that? I am still so easily ignored, passed over, discounted, or dismissed by so very many so very often, some choosing to show they heard me but only by repeating my words as their own later, others somehow unable or unwilling to hear me unless my words are said by others I ask to present them, my input only worth listening to if entertaining or requested and the subject headings are fairly specific and my 'run time' is finite. Rarely and for very small amounts of time has any personal information (past, present, future, opinions, fears, why's, how's, hopes, dreams, how I like my eggs, etc.) ever been requested and/or shared and/or listened to, fully understood/sought to be understood.
Great video, thank you! I'm not a verbal processor, but this video helped me realize how much I need text and writing. I watch all TH-cam videos with subtitles, even though I can hear and understand perfectly. The text is more comfortable and easier for me to look at and helps me digest the information better.
I’m the other way around. Subtitles really distract me. I get caught up on words I’m reading, I can’t focus on both the visual and auditory. Also I read too slow/the words don’t stay on the screen for long enough.
I think i need a combination of visual and auditory processing, for example we watched a documentary one day and the professor provided a transcribed document so i read along while listening. That topic was the only one I could remember on the final. And the absolute worst for me is power point presentations because the words on screen don't match exactly what they are saying and so I get stuck in limbo
I have two problems with verbal communication: 1) constantly interrupting because I don't pick up on verbal pause cues, especially in meetings at work; 2) not knowing when to jump in on a topic, until discussion has already moved on, due to fear of #1. Not sure if these are common problems for Aspies?
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to read out loud or I have to reread and reread. This video made me cry. I’ve lost so many people I care about because of these exact things.
Crying again over here, feeling seen and validated. Thank you Paul! At 63, I've only recently self diagnosed. I've understood forever that I was a verbal processor, but I never understood that it helped me listen. This is so huge in furthering my acceptance of myself. An interesting sidenote. I started with a therapist a few months back, and she told me in our 1st session that she wanted me to interrupt her whenever I needed to. At first I was super surprised. Really? I'm used to always working really hard to stay focused and try to hold my thoughts until it's my turn. I gotta say, it's the most empowering therapy I've ever been in. I thought I would abuse it, being allowed to interrupt, but instead I find I can pay attention better and because I can interrupt, I'm learning to really follow the threads that are coming up, and in turn, doing really powerful healing. Thank you again Paul for your inspiring and dedicated work. You are such a blessing. ❤
Only watched the intro so far, but already found the explanation for my conversational habits. If I’m rambling and interrupting it means I am positively invested in the topic or a person I’m talking to.
Fellow Aspie. I love the way you explain things. These videos really help my family, as I'm terrible at explaining! So glad you're on TH-cam--the world need YOU.
Thank you so much for this research. I have been shamed multiple times for interrupting by close friends. It is so true that I am actually being really engaged in the conversation. I guess I am not caught up in strict social norms of being polite. I am really happy as a very late diagnosed neurodivergent human(@57 years) to find the community of people who just want to help us live authentically.
This is very interesting. I had heard about "auditory" "visual" and "kinesthetic" types of learning, but never heard of verbal information processing. But it makes complete sense!
I tend to verbally process when I'm driving a car, just so I know I drive on the correct lane, mind yhe pedestrians and know where I'm going. I have a habit of doing with my parents, too, if they're driving and it annoys my dad, but I've been saying it helps me stay focused and if I need to drive the same route again, I remember stuff better. However, I'm more a visual learner - or I learn by doing things. In the past few years, I've learned to listen to audiobooks, but it only works, when I'm drawing or doing something at the same time. Listening to the book helps me focus on what I'm doing, while doing something helps me focus on the book.
You are literally me. Almost every video. Even this one describing my girlfriend driving me crazy, interrupting me constantly, claiming that she's "trying." I'm sorry, but the other videos are spooky, but this one especially. I'm happy I found these... Thanks a lot.
Now I understand! Thank you! I never realized that my "talking too much" equaled information processing. I typically suppress this, unless I'm with a close friend, although I still end up apologizing for "talking too much". I won't do that in the future...I'll tell them the truth.
I try to keep it simple, so the regular people don't have to break their thinkers trying to understand. Basically, I say, I just have a lot of noise to contend with that other people don't seem to have. Simply explaining overstimulation helps, i.e. "You ever just get a hair that keeps tickling you? It's like that but it's everything, including my thoughts." People really seem to be more willing to understand for you, if you have a way for them to see it from their own perspective. Be kind, be understanding of others FIRST, and then expect them to do the same for you. I love you guys and I wish you all the best.
'I think it's my responsibility to fix the problem socially and meet the person 100% where they're at, the problem is with me' - This made me cry, realising that I've always done this. Thank you for this Paul, I feel as though you've helped me to better understand my social anxiety in a new way. 🙏
Unfortunately most NT people expect that from others coz most are self absorbed and entitled, and want you to read their mind and bend to their will, and if you don't then you are oppressing them in some way. The woke subculture has really emboldened this level of entitlement as well. I have had to move away from anything woke coz it is like white noise up to 11 for me. It's like a gross victim status hierarchy, using the 'myth if disability' and victimhood to control others. Like the disability version of using the race card or the misogyny card. Lying for control and calling it being lovely, is very postmodern and gas lit. I cannot be around that horrific behaviour at all. It makes me sad for the human race. It makes me give up hope to be near this behaviour.
@@YesBruv105 Do you think aspergers as a syndrome could be of a deeper spiritual origin ? It seems most don't actually have joy in their experience of not getting along whilst trying to get along. Most of the woke culture is directly against the biblical expression of human agency being positive and self controlled for mutual benefit. Do you think that some of these individuals that with all their might to overcome what is socially debilitating and causes angst and disconnection & ostracism is deliberatly being embraced? I was a premature baby from the old days where touch and care for the baby was minimal ...very few interactions and then into a family that was not expressive and quite repressive with unhealthy socialisation. I have always had some of what is described in these syndromes. I have difficulty recognising people that I know because their face just doesn't get put in my brain as it ought. Also have difficulty understanding facial gestures and when to continue on with a conversation or not. I love to be around people & to be kind but find I may not be pleasant to be around for them due to not comprehending cueing from the facial gestures as much as I have tried to attend to these things. It is like being deaf and there is no Auslan/sign language to help connect. I do know since following Christ the confidence to trust people more has grown as when you are deaf/socially blind you often stumble and fall over people and spill something on them on the way down metaphorically and it brings shame & embarrassment that is hard to get over too. Be blessed.
I had to wait till I was 79 to be told this and realize I am not broken and talking to much and interrupting is my way of communicating! I have been ostracized my whole life because of this and am very sad and hurt because no one understood or understands me. Thank you for validating me.🌹
Thank you for posting this video. I am a verbal processor, but because I went thru life not knowing I was autistic, I learned to mask really well, so well, that I don't know when I'm masking or when I am being my authentic self. When I'm conversing with someone I am usually the one who talks over that person or I talk too much, and regret it later, So I don't speak much because my social anxiety takes over. I stay to myself and speak when necessary. This video helped me to understand my personality and way of thinking, thank you.
I've been searching everywhere because I've lost all of my confidence in talking to people. I didn't know what's wrong with me. Thank you for this. Now. I understand what's going on, but I may still have to fix myself because no one cares if it's my personality, people are selfish, if they don't like it, they won't work with me, even my husband probably.
I don’t process fast enough verbally. Constantly interrupt people and find it difficult to follow conversations If multiple conversations are going on. I talk too much and have only realised this was a way of masking social anxiety. I never knew this. Paul - Thank you sharing and the time spent on making these clips. These really help me understand a lot of what’s been going on for me for decades. Thank you so much.
Thank you. This has me in tears and I so appreciate you addressing this with such kindness. I deal with this a lot and I try so hard to go into situations. If I mask and keep quiet people think I’m moody or mad. If I allow myself to be me, people treat me as if I’m rude, annoying, and too annoying. I’ve found the ones who take the time to listen and value everyone, those rare few are my people.
My Aspie boyfriend has an amazing ability to listen to multiple audiobooks and alternate between them from day to day, hour by hour. My NT brain can’t do that, so I listen to one book through before starting another. Now I think I understand why. Thank you.
This must be associated with how I have trouble hearing what someone is saying when there are also other sources of auditory input. Ex: My husband will be watching both TV and TH-cam at the same time, and the furnace will start, and then he starts to speak to me. I'll interrupt to say, "Auditory Competition! The extra noises make it hard to understand what you're saying." This has happened enough that he has picked up on the concept, and recently started pausing or muting the TV program or TH-cam or music before he says something to me. I luv my Hunny! This video also reminded me about some people I know who will silently mouth what someone is saying to them. It weirds me out a bit when their mouth follows what I'm saying. But this concept of having different ways of processing input helps put that into perspective. And I now recognize that, yeah, they have other traits within the autism spectrum. They may not even realize it themselves, as I hadn't recognized ASD/Aspergers in myself until recently. 🧠🔍👀❗️
Omg, this makes so much sense. I always had issues reading. I didn't like to read as child. I loved being read to tho. TH-cam and audiobooks are a godsend for me. Tho I am an interrupter and people are annoyed by that. But I would it's more that I need to say or write my thoughts in order to fully process them. So I've grown to prefer writing because then no one is angry at me for interrupting and I can process my thoughts comfortably. Tho I often end up writing essays that hardly anyone is able to read thru :P Talking is harder because people get angry when I feel the urge to jump in. And keeping myself from doing that is very draining.
This was super helpful to me as a mom. I have a teen with auditory processing disorder and we just discovered sometimes she uses incorrect terms when describing something which has made me believe she was telling me one thing while doing another. But truth is her brain was searching for right word to use, causing a lot of confusion...Thus this video also highlights how we all process information differently! Thank you for sharing!!!
Funny the people I feel comfortable talking to are all people who are happy to interrupt because it makes me feel like it's okay for me to also, and I always feel a lot more engaged and connected to the conversation, I never thought of it as a processing style though. Fantastic video, opens my eyes up a bit!
Thank you for this Paul. I personally find it amusing that we call it masking, but you use the word suppressing through much of this video to describe the behaviour. I agree with the concept that we are putting a mask on, but the older I get and the worse my life with ASD has become, the more I believe it is suppressing and this ultimately results in a negative outcome. It is all the more frustrating when you interrupt a conversation because the other people are thinking their way through a problem, and you've arrived at a solution our outcome well ahead of them. For the same reasons we have to be patient with neuro-typical people, and try to accommodate their way of thinking, talking and interacting, it should be a given that ASD people can express themselves naturally and without pre-judgement. This, for me personally, is timely, given our youngest child has just been diagnosed with ASD with associated high-degree auditory and visual sensitivities, and I know he constantly talks and interrupts as he wants to understand the conversation, to show others he understands what is going on, and to get his thoughts out as soon as they occur to him. It is even challenging to me, having a small inkling of what he is experiencing. Keep up the great content!
"Let me finish my sentence" - and they look deep into my eyes with silence. Secret thoughts inside me: "Just talk then! TALK! Why did you stop talking? And don't look at me like this, it's aggressive and intimidating and I've done nothing to deserve it. TAAAALK for heaven sake, finish your sentence and leave me alone." And they will be happy because I let them finish their sentence. And I'll forever try to avoid any further interaction with them.
My husband does this to me. He gets super angry when I "interrupt," even if I am trying *very hard* to wait until he's stopped talking. (But his pauses are so long!!) It ends up feeling like a lecture, not a conversation, especially when I have a question that he says he's already *trying* to *explain,* if I would just shut up and let him *finish.* But I can't grasp what he's trying to tell me, because I need him to explain something first. :/ I am getting very good at just saying "Uh huh... uh huh..." but it's getting harder to mask how goddamned uninterested this makes me, and how if I'm just being asked to stand there and not actually respond or contribute or hold any kind of an actual back-and-forth *conversation* then can I please just get back to what I was doing? *Thirty goddamned years* I've been struggling to stop interrupting him, or not finish his sentences, and I *still* can't successfully do it without a *massive* effort, and even then, only by disengaging from the conversation. And he *still* thinks I can control it and am just not trying hard enough. Hah, recently he even said to me that if I *couldn't* actually control it, insisting that I stop it "would be really cruel." But, see, hE BeLiEvEs iN mE aNd kNoWs I cAn dO bEtTeR. And that's without even touching on how angry he gets when I repeat what he just said, which to *me* reads like I'm agreeing with and reinforcing what he said. And is something I only really do when I'm engaged in or trying to pay attention to the conversation. You know. Like, "Hey, it's garbage day; we need to put the garbage out." And I'll respond with, "Yeah, I was just about to tell the kids to put it out, because it's garbage day." Him: "I just said that!!" He takes it very personally and thinks I'm either ignoring him or deliberately being disrespectful. Sigh. I'm gonna show him this video.
Gets angry at you, pretends to know what you have control over and what you don’t (mind reading/assuming your intentions while giving no credence to your perspective) and the expectation that you listen to him lecture...not a conversation. Coercion. Control. Not interested in relating with you or actually understanding you but only that you understand him. Also taking things personally. These are all red flags for me now that illuminate an abusive behavior pattern. I hear Subjugation and expectation of Submission on your part only to giving your attention, energy, time to listening to his lectures. I feel for you and sincerely hope this is helpful to you or anyone else who is going through something similar. It’s bullying behavior and it’s violent at its core because there is no room for you to be in that conversation no room for your understanding or authentic participation. This is what I read you describing.
@@KryssLaBryn My boyfriend of 24 years did this to me all the time. He's a narcissist and he destroyed my self-esteem then he dumped me at 65 years old and ran off with a woman 15 years younger than himself doing a classic devalue then discard. Good luck to you. My heart goes out to you.
OMG...this video explains so much to me. I am a Verbal Processor and I talk out loud to myself to gather my thoughts to put them into a logical order or to be able to communicate a idea to someone. My Finance' does no like when people talk out loud to themselves and she tells me to talk to my self silently. It is a point of contention in our relationship to the point that we may not stay together.
You are talking about my attitude in a so charming way... listening with engagement... for good communication. Isuffer from ADHS and I feel so unpolite by talking in between because of my bad memory... thank you, great video as always🌴❣
Hoo boy! I've been called a "motormouth" as a kid, told that I talk too much, and outright mocked for it. I'm not known for being taciturn. It's caused me a great deal of shame, and I definitely carry around the scars which can open easily into wounds. I must admit that I'm having a hard time shaking the notion that something is wrong with me, that it's still my responsibility to meet others all the way. Neurodivergence is still an acceptable prejudice against in many circles.
Sometimes I think I talk a lot because the people around me are rude and don't actually care about what I have to say, they respond very quickly to the first thing I say when I haven't even gotten my point across, so I feel I have to talk very quickly to get my point across before I'm interrupted & it's often quiet after that because I seemed like a "motormouth".. when in reality I just want to be heard because nobody listens
Thank you so much for this. I literally cried during the first part of the video because I've had trouble explaining this need. I just sent this video to my husband. We sometimes butt heads because of my compulsive need to interrupt him and interpret out loud what he just told me. I hope this helps him to understand this need of mine.
Speaking of talking too much and interrupting. I once had a bizarre conversation with a girl I just met. We each talked continuously, at the same time. No waiting for the other to stop, no stopping when another talked. We were listening and talking at the same time. We were talking very fast too. It went on for 2 hours.
When I was young, someone used girls talking on the phone as an example of this way of talking. They also invalidated it as something bizarre that only immature people would do. That makes me angry.
Doing an online computer course. This is allowing me the opportunity to read all the notes and exam questions out loud!! Because I’m alone or camera microphone is muted. For once, I am excelling! So glad to view and understand your video. Thank you!
You are realy helpfull. Thanks a lot!!! I for myselfe find different processingstyles in different surroundings/situations. If i am alone, there are no words at all in my mind and i think in some kind of sensorial/synesthetic shapes. Processing there works easy, complex and quite fast. When i am with someone, translating into the world of words is hard work, takes lots of spoons. When i try to explain, overexplaning happens, because, my originairy thought is clear, but to complex to get translated in words. Translated into words, the amount of data seams to explode.
Man this was amazing! you helped me discover my identity...I never knew there is such a thing as verbal processing...Indeed I can compare myself most of time as "sonar"...Im sending waves and upon their impact I evaluate their quality...If I am not satisfied I imedietly start saying simillar thing in different way until i am satisfyed how it ended up...wich is basicly talking too much for most people standards. Deserved Subscribe from me and many thanks
I also understand things by sonar! Im only able to assemble the pattern and evaluate it, on the bounce back. I NEED people as a sounding board to be able to think.
So I'm only starting to explore the possibility that I might be on the spectrum. When my daughter was diagnosed with autism I was kinda like hey wait these things she's doing aren't weird I do that. Time went on and that statement kept repeating "that can't be autistic I do that!" Just recently I was like ohh I might be doing all those things because I'm autistic. I took a few test as well online, I don't buy much into online evaluations. However 4 or 5 all kinda point to likely autistic tendencies. I'm going to talk to my GP next visit but until then I'm going to learn everything there is to know about autism anyway, I need to learn to connect to my amazing daughter. That sounds like a big task as there are a lot of resources to digest but I watched around 2k hrs of physics, astronomy, quantum mechanics, chemistry, and general relativity just because I wanted to find out how gravity actually worked. Needless to say only more questions than I had before I explored depts of the internet. I even learned more math and I hadn't planned on that at all. I'm really not good at putting things in to text, there are just too many things I need to say at once. I'm verbally effective, I work at a billing call center and do really well. Every call is like a little simulation and I get better and better 9.4 years and counting. Not to say it's all been great but it's a job and I get paid pretty nicely. And that above text is why I'm very interested in the above video. Thanks dude, you're videos are very relatable and educational.
Actually, the AS50 question form is a list of standard questions and most of them are used in official evaluations. If you answer the AS50 truthfully and from gut feeling, the result will be close to what will be your diagnosis. I scored 38(!) on that test while a score of
Ah! I'm fascinated by gravity too! I've watched a bunch of youtube videos explaining it, but my dad says they're not really accurate. My dad is a mathematician who has read Einstein's book Relativity - which I've borrowed but not yet read. Anyway I'd be interested in what you found out. Is there like a Gravity enthusiasts club or something?
@@tiddlypom2097 I really enjoyed this explanation it's not 💯 exactly but it's really easy to visualize after watching. th-cam.com/video/wrwgIjBUYVc/w-d-xo.html
I’m butting heads with my therapist over this issue-I think I’m autistic and he doesn’t. His argument is “But you can engage with people,” which indicates he doesn’t know what masking is.
I loved what you said. I think I'm a verbal processor and I like the other ways of learning too. I have heard a lot that I talk too much or say things that I should know that other people already know, as if I think they don't know. I am considering that I have autism, but I'm highly sensitive for sure, and i felt very shut down in my marriage and with my boys, who are all highly sensitive, maybe they or some of them are on the autism spectrum too. It was very sad for me that conversations didn't go very far in our family. We could have all used your reframing to the positive. Sometimes I have thought that my ideas were so interesting that it was the other people's problem that they wanted to shut me down, but I also blamed myself. I can relate to hearing things said out loud and thinking it's dumb once I do say it also. I was so shut down by the end of my marriage at about age 48, that I paid a therapist $100 ( a lot of money for us 15 years ago) for a session and could't say anything. She even berated me for her mistake in that she was late I didn't have a cell phone on so she could call me, so she said that was my fault, and I couldn't defend myself. Thanks for the interesting talk and your compassionate way of teaching us to handle the differences in processing with all people's ways of processing information as valid . PS, I also read that culturally, New Yorkers, like my mom and hence me, interrupt to show we understand the other person. But I also relate to the experience that if someone is slow and methodical in their talking, I can lose the thread and I want to jump ahead to what I think they are taking so long to explain. We all need the patience for each other.
Oh my god, all throughout college and even still when I'm trying to figure out a problem, I'll go in circles over and over in my head thinking about all the different aspects of various solutions until I finally just start talking to someone about it, and even before they get their two cents in, it all totally clears up and I know what to do. I've always been frustrated that my thinking works like that, because it makes me feel like I'm dependent, so I kind of learned to apologize beforehand for being like this, but it's just something I need to do and I've never been able to fix it. I feel like I'm defective
As a teenager in school, I discovered at some point that my learning style is a mix of verbal and visual learning. A lot of the book I processed by 'teaching' my mother what I had learned both with and without the book, and she'd ask me questions to see if she understood me and I'd get deeper into the subject. I needed that soundboard to verbally process and learn, all the other methods (write it down many times and things like that) just never worked well for me. With more practical things I'm more a visual learner, watch people do the thing a thousand (or at least a lot of) times and then dive into doing the thing myself. That is how I learned how to sew, I watched my mother sew for years and one day I said I wanted to learn how to. My mother helped me pick the fabric and the pattern, she was surprised I went for a striped fabric and a fairly difficult pattern. But then she needed to go to the kitchen and cook dinner and I was left alone. Around dinner time I had a fair bit done and my mother was again surprised and wondered how I knew what to do without her guiding me. So, I told her I had watched her all those years do the thing and that's how I knew how to. She always thought I didn't watch her that closely because I showed no interest in sewing at all. Learning a new craft, TH-cam really is my buddy!
This really explains so much to me, sooo much. I'm often joked as the 'goldfish' because I don't get something as it's said, I'm late to jokes, etc. Whenever it comes to information I LOVEE reading, but there has NEVER been a time where I've read something and didn't extensively immediately share with the next person everything I learned. I repeated! And anytime I'm given directions or instructions I always have to double back and answer questions with questions. All this time, this impulse to share and repeat things out loud- It's because that's how /I/ processed. All this time I thought everything boiled down to damaging message #1, that learning that I was autistic (yet didn't present the level of motor imparity that my brother has) meant something was 'fuxked up' about me. Thank you so much for having your videos like this, it's becoming a lot easier to discover and understand myself for what I've deserved.
This is me ! I can't visualise when someone describes something (an object, building, room…) verbally so I have to ask people to stop describing because my brain doesn't understand… And I can't stop interrupting because I loose my train of thought (which is also why I am writing this comment while in the middle of the video and not at the end LOL). I also have deep or self-reflective thoughts in a conversation almost ONLY when talking, I don't have them in my head first ! The big issue is when speaking to another verbal processor, because we keep interrupting each other and each loosing our thoughts XD
Literally, this is spot on. I beat myself up verbally and mentally after any outing with people because of this. I knew I am a verbal processor, but seeing that this is more normal/ is a common thing for people makes me feel better about myself. I thought there was something wrong with me and felt I was rude to people. (Even though I was intentionally listing, I got yelled at and people often stopped being friends with me due to my verbal processing.) Thank you for this video. It was a very good mirror. It really was helpful.
Having someone around who talks too much is very stressful to a lot of people. It drives me up the wall and I can’t change that any more than some people can’t change that they talk too much.
Yes. I just can't be friends with some people. I'm learning that I need to end relationships the second I hear from them that I talk too much. They will hurt my feelings and destroy my self-esteem. I have other friends that have no problem with me at all because they can hold up their end of a conversation with me. They don't even think I talk too much. I LOVE them and they love me back. I know for someone like you that seems impossible that you could love a motormouth and actually look forward to seeing them. I work on it every day and try to control my talking and be a better listener but sadly I find the people that put me down the most do nothing to try and improve their method of communicating with me. If they're the quieter ones they enjoy feeling superior and making it all my fault but it takes two to tango as the saying goes. There are ways to calm a big talker. One suggestion that often works is to find out if the motormouther is hungry and try and get them to eat something that's protein rather than sugary.
@@kathykonkle1097 Everyone wants you to listen, but no one wants to listen. Ngl, I have a growing hatred for humanity and its people that hasn't been there since, idk, high school. I can't seem to hold down any life-long friendships I want, and it puts me in an existential state, where I wonder if we should all just get nuked so we no longer have to act like we care about anyone, when it's extremely obvious we really don't. No one likes me and I don't like anyone. My gifts are wasted on a dead planet that doesn't know it's dead yet. I await the extinction.
I do a few things depending on the circumstances: Sometimes I’ll let the other person know I’m going to repeat the information back to them so we can both be sure I understood it correctly. Or I may just repeat what they’ve said with an inflection in my voice that reframes their statement as a question, that they can then respond to. I also hear my thoughts as a voice in my head. So other times I may repeat information to myself inside my own head. This may not work for everyone, and it doesn’t always work for me. But because of how my thoughts work, it can help in a pinch. I find that what I naturally do in conversation is tell the other person a story about myself, or something I know, that I think is similar to their statements, and explain where I find similarities. This isn’t really any different than a typical conversation except that I can have a tendency to go on and on and monopolize the conversation, in an attempt to listen and understand the other person. I know now that’s not how people feel listened to though, and I try to be mindful of that.
Wow I am so excited that I found this site😊 at 65 I've come to realize by being told pretty much by everyone that I talk too much. You described this verbal processing to a t when it comes to the experience I have within my head, my heart and soul. I've been a teacher for many years . I don't talk as if I know everything but I love to engage in conversation with people and learn about what's going on with them through conversation. I've explained over and over again just recently that the only way I can understand what they're saying is if I verbally somehow put it together in my head. Actually this is a fine example at this very moment what comes over me. I got so excited about hearing what you were saying and knowing that there is actually a word for my problem.... I jumped in here to comment before the video was even over. Thank you thank you so much for explaining this♥️
Thank you so much for this video, it has truly touched me and is definitely going to help me feel less like I am the one in the wrong all the time… it is really hard to have to suppress yourself all your life: I recently discovered that I have ASD and it has been an enlightening experience, but sometimes it really saddens me seeing how all the rejection, trauma and lack of understanding caused so much suppression in me, all because of ignorance from both sides. Thank you again 🙏🏼
This is brilliant. For me this is extremely valuable information and explains many disagreements between my wife and myself. She’s a verbal processor and I am NOW, a person who was wrong about many thing including my opinion of her way of processing information. Thank you again for the insight and thoughtful commentary on autism, it is changing my life and I’m sure many others.
Is it education or is it enlightenment? Guess you are a hero for me. Hear some minstrel whistling gratitude melody float by. Thank you from a grateful one on the other side of the globe
Yes, I say key items out loud when I'm reading, love audiobooks, also speak out loud when I'm thinking even when no one else is around. I talk too much in general and loose my train of thought when interrupted. I do interrupt in meetings if I can get away with it so that I can start processing and get connected, otherwise I might be totally unaware of the real subjects which I often miss.
Wow!! Thank you!!, I’m not autistic, but this really helped me a lot to understand different types of processing, and it does feel good to look at it though a positive light ❤️
Thank you Paul! This is so me! Very Hyperlexic. But Auditory too. Music and dance are my favorite ways to express myself. Which is kind of a form of both verbal and then auditory I just saw by answering ur question and then writing this. Lol,perfect exampls of what your saying,cuz writing it out helps me so much too. These I guess are my big 3! God bless you!😇
Thank you so much for this very clear explanation. I am married to a wonderful, loving person whom I have come to believe is on the autism spectrum. Your videos are helping me enormously with understanding and empathizing with him. I have often been concerned about him interrupting when we are in a conversation with others. I now understand what may be behind it.
years ago i was asking a R&D man a tech question in front of others at the office and he kept interrupting me as in telling me he's got it speed up, I really appreciated how he did that but others were saying he was rude!! I totally disagreed because it was efficient for him to tell me that. so it can work for the better to honestly and authentically share without taking offense! thank you, he was communicating on the fly and it was good, i've had a couple people be able to listen and share at my pace and i was so excited to find others that could jump around, interrupt, listen and talk without having to fit into a pattern taught elsewhere for others!!
I don't at all prefer to read out loud, but interestingly, I totally prefer to talk out loud when I'm thinking, instead of keeping it in my head.
I often think out loud when I'm alone or often even when my GF is around. That said, she also often thinks out loud.
Me too!
@@paulmichaelfreedman8334 I think out loud on my own and I really need that time and space to do that and process stuff. I cannot do this infront of my boyfriend though. He cannot hear it as anything other than stressful noise that does his nut in.
I have found when I cannot process out loud, I can hold off racing thoughts by humming repetitive riffs, or classical tunes. I hope he can cope with that coz I don't know what else I can do.
@@YesBruv105 If he can't , you may have to rethink your relationship. It's give and take remember? Does he understand your condition?
Same here! I’ve thought out loud for my whole life, and almost everyone in my family do it as well. People like to say that sounds “crazy” and belittle the behavior, but it’s simply another way of thinking/processing!
I'm honestly in tears I never hear anyone talk about this, especially the suppression battle and going into every interaction consciously holding back so much
Same.
This also made me cry because I am trying so damn hard to not ever speak. I am very very quick thinker tho, And I read other ques as well. So I'm trying to sometimes speed the Convo up... usually because I'm engaged and excited... Or I'm bored to death And want to get away.
Omg yes ME TOO
I feel this way in class!
Same. I’ve felt so stupid for so long because information takes longer for me to understand than others.
I’ve struggled with this my whole life!!!! I’m not trying to be rude, it means I’m actually engaged in the conversation.
Yes! People get so annoyed with me...
@@christineodonnell2202 Absolutely. I mute myself on Zoom calls.
Same !
Haha all the time especially when being told off but I am too scared to confess my real condition. Ive tried so many times to convince managers I really am not a rude person.
The best solution is to talk with other people who do the same. It is normal for some of us and we don't mind that we talk over each other. As you say, it is more engaging that way. (But I acknowledge that some people can't stand it.)
Auditory processing is SO difficult for me! I think I don't hear correctly, but then 10 seconds later the words arrive at my brain. But reading is my favorite way to absorb info. Taking notes helps me to listen, too. 😊
Yes! Same here. It's like a delay in hearing or something. Taking notes is very helpful.
OMG, seriously?!?!?!?!?!? Interrupting can be a form of listening????? This resonates so deeply with me! AT LAST I FEEL UNDERSTOOD!!!! 😃 Thank you, Paul! Thank you so much for this!
My daughter is a verbal processor. In school she often got in trouble for talking in class. If a teacher reprimanded her for talking, she would "zone out". One teacher told me she timed her and my daughter didn't appear to be aware of what was going on around her for about an hour and a half after being told to stop talking. After all, if you can't engage with your environment, what can you do? You go in your head and continue the conversation there. I've told teachers that my daughter needs to tutor others so that she can learn the material. They don't get it. How can she help others if she is struggling? I tried to explain that that's how she learns; she has to say it. They can't understand how she can teach something she doesn't know until she teaches it. I'm telling you, that's the way it is. I've been told "That's not how we teach." To which I respond, "That's how she learns!"
Former teacher here. I can't believe her teachers are pretending that they don't know that the best way to learn something is to try to teach it. It's true even (and especially!) for teachers.
Story of my life……constantly whipping as I try not to talk. When I get excited, I talk a lot to “get it out” and then realise or feel shame as I’ve spoken too much or for too long
I'd never thought about it like this before! The amount of times I've said "Sorry, just thinking out loud, don't mind me"!
I say it all the time!
This is one of your talks for which I wish their was something stronger than the like button! Oh, my! Primarily a verbal processor, which doesn't work so well with being alone most of the time! So, I talk as if to other people whether they are present, listening, or not... I don't care anymore about looking strange! Have long said that "weird" is simply "wired" spelled differently...
I do the same thing. I'm home alone all day, except for my dogs and I talk things thru with them. lol They're awesome listeners.
Oh my! I will keep that close to my heart... I'm not weird....I'm just WIRED differently ❤️
@@dovebair it's good to be wired differently. It's called being uniquely you. ❤
Brilliant
I am a visual processor , especially when it comes to directions
I am an interruptor… a verbal processor. Thank you for letting us know, we arent the one that has to be “right”
This is so good. I constantly feel like I'm holding myself back in social situations and I'm so unsure of what's appropriate to say, so I end up saying nothing. But when I'm with someone I'm comfortable with, I can talk and talk and talk and I interrupt all the time, but it's usually with anecdotes to show I'm interested and understand what they're saying. I also talk to myself all the time when I'm alone, usually about topics I'm trying to understand better. This makes so much sense!
Yes! How do people know what's appropriate to say? So much is off the table or rude, so it's easier to be quiet.
Are you me?
I've learned to clamp down on my jaw and keep telling myself, "Let the man finish", (or woman). Doesn't always work though.
Ohhh the struggle 😔😏🙆🏽
@@sugarcaneplain2097 It is, and because of the focus on that, I only hear half what the man is saying...
@@paulmichaelfreedman8334 and then come across as rude or uncaring, narcissistic, etc... All while just having trouble with overactive thoughts and focus.
@@spud69g 😣
@@spud69g or that my ADD kicks in and my mind wanders...that is a SHIT moment.
I remember clearly, in 7th grade, I was copying all the words my science teacher was saying, with a quiet voice, to try to understand what they were teaching. They called me out on it and thought I was mocking them. With tears in my eyes I promised I wouldn’t think of that, I was really trying to learn!
I have done this my whole life unintentionally as well as a lot of other things we Aspies do. It feels so good to understand those things and know now what I didnt know 30 years ago.
Agreed, I turned 50 on the 14th of june, and hopefully my diagnosis will be made within the next couple of months (long waiting list) but the expectation of my spychologist is that I have high functioning autism (DSM V version of that officially) and ADD. It's nice to know I am not alone in this world struggling with most things in life. It has cost me a lot and for a while I was lathargic, couldn't care less what happened to me, totally depressed. But I am doing much much better now I know things and even decided to reboot my business (IT and networks/WiFi) which I thought for a while I was done with. But I was wrong and it lures me again.
@@paulmichaelfreedman8334 how did you turn things around for yourself? I am also a bit 'mature' and have lost almost everything. I do not know how to get a do-over now, so late in life.
@@paulmichaelfreedman8334 similar career path here. Similar results. 41 though at the time.
@@jaex7418 Well, long story short, in my darkest hour, I met a woman. She took me in and took care of me. It has taken some time (years) and I've had plenty relapses into moments of depression and helplessness, but things are improving. Since then she has been diagnosed with ADHD and ADD, so we're pretty well matched lol. In my case I should say it was a miracle. Not that this information helps you but I do hope you find the strength to find optimism in things and realise that miracles do happen.
@@paulmichaelfreedman8334 thank you for responding. I really appreciate you taking the time out to share.
I am loathe to attach my buggy to someone else's horse. Been there, done that, have a lot of t-shirts. Maybe I will get good at a thing one day.
Strangely, reading out loud makes it a lot more difficult for me to understand the information, like my voice is distracting me from the information in the text.
same here; sometimes it helps, but most of the time I don't remember a thing that I've read out loud
Yeah, sometimes I feel like I can either read out loud well for others to understand, OR I can read it badly and actually understand what I read.
Yeah me too.
Also if I'm reading for content (information/interest) I pick up typos, but if I'm reviewing something then I can't absorb the content.
Yea, I get that. It's like I have to process multiple things at the same time:
1. What am I reading?
2. What am I hearing?
3. What are my thoughts about the things I read?
4. How do I get my mouth to be quick enough to follow along with my eyes to make sure point 1&2 do match?
Ironically I can voice out my thoughts concerning the text while reading quietly just with my eyes and that does not get me confused about what I was reading but helps me to remember things better.
Glad to know I'm not alone! Whenever someone asks me to read something out loud, if I want to actually know what I read, I'll have to go back and read it silently
I think out loud a lot bc I'm working through my thought process. At one of my old jobs a girl blantantly asked me why I talk to myself so much and then made fun of me for it. She made me feel like I was weird and everyone just went along with it and laughd. I hadn't really noticed it before then and have been so incredibly self conscious about it since.
I forget what I was going to say, when I hold my thoughts in too long. I try not to cut into the conversation too many times and then I forget what I wanted to add into the conversation.
Me, too. I do just fine in conversations that are back and forth. But it is miserable for me to try to interact with someone who monologues or interrupts. I'd rather just walk away from that. And choose to talk to people who naturally let the conversation go back and forth before either of us forgets.
You just changed my life. I was on a 35 year journey to understanding, why I can’t have a satisfactory dialogue for me and the other party and why I keep interrupting, no matter how hard I try.
If I dont say what I want to say at that second and wait for the other person to finish, I will forget what I was going to say and also forget what they were saying. I need constant repetition or I forget alot.
You're not alone!
I don't think that I am on the spectrum, but I interrupt a lot for the same reason. And if I don't interject a question/comment then, the conversation may move on from that point and my question will no longer be relevant.
I know how you feel. I think the best option is to get really good at jotting down notes to ourselves. That's not always an option, but it helps a lot in business meetings where interrupting can have really negative consequences.
Sticky notes, note books, and legal pads are my life
@@susanmercurio1060 Exactly. I also know its rude to interrupt, so I just force myself to let it go. I usually keep to myself and an extremely small circle of close friends.
I am so bad for this, I really have to work on it all the time. Funnily though, I have a friend that is adhd and when we talk together lots of the time we actually talk over the top of each other and still can make sense of it all. Neither of us is offended cos we just carry on regardless to finish what we’re saying. I actually find it amusing that we can do it, cos it’s rare amongst people to get away with it and still have a successful conversation. Well it works for us anyway.🤣
Love this
Very happy for you that you found a compatible friend! ❤
I do it with my sister, it's like there are 2 parallel conversations going on at once but we are both listening to eachother and just talking about different things and also responding to eachother too
Yes! I’ve only had one person I could do this with. It was so nice to be able to not feel guilty about interrupting.
@@rachelmitchell2144 Yes!
Wow! So real! As a kid and teen, I drove my mom crazy because I had to whisper things as I read them, and I read all the time! Now I understand why I did that! And I still do, and I'm a senior citizen now. 🙂 Thank you!
I am a bit late to comment, but THANK YOU so much for this video. I am totally a verbal processor, but I didn’t even think it existed since now. I’ve trained myself to “shut up”, but when I do it, I don’t understand anything. People always tell me that I talk a lot and that I’m a great listener; I thought it was contradictory, but it’s not, it’s just my way of clearly understanding what other people are saying! 🙌
In fact, this is what should be taught in schools.
Taught. Sorry had to.
@@ditzfough you don't need to sorry for correcting it
@@baegiby4496 i was also thinking that 'thought' actually does work in the context of the sentence.
This does need to be thought about and taught in school.
As a teacher, I agree. As an autistic teacher, I felt this in my bones lol :)
No.
I wish I could like this video multiple times, this has been the most eye-opening, interesting, helpful, and enlightening video I've ever watched. I'm a verbal processor and I had no idea that it was linked to my autism at all, I thought I was just a bit of a jerk because I always talked over people, and all the harmful messages you listed I said to myself all the time without even realising it.
I always have that slight delay when listening to people talk and trying to process what they said without repeating it out loud myself, and again, I just thought I was slow or stupid. When I read things out loud, things instantly make sense. It must be why I adore public speaking so much despite a lot of autistics usually hating it. I also really love talking out loud in class, especially in English or Philosophy when I can talk for ages about key ideas as it really helps me understand them myself.
I've always talked to myself for as long as I can remember; I talk to myself when completing tasks, especially if people have asked me to do those tasks as whenever people ask me to do tasks it takes me ages to process what I'm supposed to do and get it right, even if it's really simple, so when I mumble under my breath the task again, I can understand it and do it properly, I just thought I was really stupid.
Thank you so, so much for this video, at every point you made I learnt something new, and I genuinely think it's changed my life for the better. Thank you.
I have also struggled with this for decades, and with the general challenging of "oversharing." Yet I am a very successful adult professional. I have overcome decades of social challenges in becoming a successful adult.
With me, it's different. I can't hear the vocal cue that tells people, "I'm through speaking now. Your turn." Therefore, I never know when it's safe to start speaking.
Bingo! That's my problem as well - apparently, based on my earlier comment, we're not alone.
Sometimes, I don't think it is that issue. It is that they pause so long between their sentences or thoughts that they seem to have been done speaking. Then they start again just as you do. See if that might be what is happening for you?
@@Growmap You hit the nail on the head, I think. I've likened it to trying to find an opening on the freeway.
@@Growmap This is me, I know when to start speaking but never know if it is a long pause or if they are truly done. To make it worse they will look away briefly, signaling to me that they are done with the current conversation.
THIS! YES! I don't know when the pause is long enough or if it's not a full stop because everyone has partial thoughts as well and I will completely lose what I'm trying to say when they finish their par of dialogue, I apologize for speaking over them
Then they ask me what I was going to say, and it's gone. I really hope I find this cue, even in my significant other of many years. I still don't know his cues. But he understands I am a verbal processor and that that helps me so much more than him being upset about being interrupted does. It's helps us not argue much about that too. Anyway I really wish that was a readable cue or something that we could know is happening.
My family... we just all talk at the same time, different conversations at times, simultaneously...
I thought thus was a perk! 😎
Hahah no manches, i totally understand what you’re saying 😂 my cousins and I are diagnosed neurodivergent but I swear my whole family is neurodivergent (undiagnosed) and Hispanic so our house is let’s just say very LIVELY lol we also speak really loudly haha peace and love to you and your family ❤
Just thank you, thank you thank you for this video. Recently lost all my “friends” all over again due to verbal processing unknowingly and me thinking I was just being this confident (fake) and engaging person and them putting on fake facial expressions for over a year and pretending to actually like me talking to them. Sigh the life we lead 😔
I really wish that hadn't happened to you, because I've been through it several times myself and I can't think of a much worse feeling. No one should ever have to feel that. I just wanted you to know that I understand how that feels, for whatever that is worth.
Same. I am ok with not having friends at this point. I have allowed myself to be taken advantage of too many times. Somehow, it gets turned around on me that *I'm* the one taking advantage of them.
I do not understand and I do not have the energy for that anymore. I only want to be allowed to live a real life, like other humans get to do. *My* authentic life...but society tells me that kind of life is unacceptable.
One advice I may give? Be very selective with making friends. That is hard when you are desperate for new friends because you have none left. Having friends is less important than being able to be who you are. So if you are to have friends they are to be like you. Look for yourself in another. That should be your rule of thumb. But that's just my thoughts out loud :) My current No. of friends: 0.0 (besides my GF and close family, which is enoug for me in essence). It would be nice to have a bosom friend again though, who knows what the future brings.
@@jaex7418 I feel exactly the same, especially the not getting what the problem is part (and being exhausted trying to figure it out). It gets lonely though. How are you handling that? Or are you just not (trying to ignore, etc)? I truly am sorry to hear that you have to feel this too.
@@explorelearnshare8222 I am reclaiming my inner ambivalent apathy and talking to internet strangers. I will not lie... it is very sad, at times. I am also able to find some inner peace if I live more slowly. It allows my true self to come to into my awareness a bit, instead of my prior programming from past experiences. Have you ever cleaned a whole floor of tile grout with a toothbrush? Cut a 10' x 5' patch of grass with scissors? That kind of stuff. Sounds crazy but quarantine life helped me to bask in the silence of my me and I liked it.
I talk out loud to myself, whilst sorting through my thoughts. Thankfully, with my autism diagnosis, I no longer feel "wrong" in my own skin.
Wow- I have tried to stop this my whole life with little success. I dread team meetings in small rooms because I have to cover up how I engage in discussions and it takes so much energy. Exactly as you said, when I sit quietly to fit in, I have no idea what has been said and struggle to remember. I then think I am slow and make errors because I didn’t understand the directions. So true!
And thus I take notes during meetings and phone calls so as not to interrupt and appear to be rude. I recently learned that I'm Not Rude, I'm Autistic, and I tend to process things better verbally because I have hypersensitive hearing and can hear ev-er-y-thing. Isolating one source of auditory input is difficult.
There's even constant noise inside my own head, almost like the buzz of electricity or the ring of a hair dryer at the other end of the house. I actually asked my husband one quiet night if he could hear someone using a hair dryer at the other end of the house. Nope, it was just brain noise.... which may be different from the pitched tone of tinnitus that I might hear for a couple moments within a month.
Oversharing again?
Yeah, probably.
But now I've learned, "I'm Not Crazy, I'm Autistic."
This absolutely describes me. It's in my job's nature for the schedule and plan to change a lot, and I feel stupid at work when I have to think out loud through a seemingly minor inconvenience. Especially when I say my new plan out loud and realize how bad it is. But that's the only way that I'm able to really work through what I need to change on a dime, and once I say it out loud then I have the better idea and go with that. But I really feel like an annoyance to my coworkers, who are probably thinking "just figure it out, it's not that hard." I also have noticed that just looking at my work schedule isn't enough, I -have- to say my shift times out loud or I won't remember them (and same with most other plans/time or number related things).
I was told constantly as a child to stop talking because the subject isn't interesting, or it's repetitive, just annoying, etc. I was told that they "tuned me out, " and my mom apologized to others for me "talking their ear off" which still hurts to remember. I was also told not to "be upset" after being told to stop talking in the middle of what I was saying, and then they took my immediate silence and sadness to mean that I was grumpy and pouting about it and then it was all still completely my fault. Even my current therapist told me in a joking way that I wouldn't shut up, and I took that really hard after the session, but I never told her how upset that made me.
I'm very aware now of when people are straight-up ignoring me and have no clue what I'm saying (often they'll mention the exact same thing minutes later as if I hadn't already brought it up), but even then I just cannot shut up. I feel horrible when I know that people aren't listening to me, because it reminds me of being completely disregarded for years. My small friend group growing up would interrupt me at every single thing I said, to the point where when I got to high school and my new friends actually started listening, I would literally just stop talking in the middle of my sentences because I hadn't had any practice actually finishing my thoughts. So I would stop talking, realize that they were actually listening and looking at me, and then I had to nervously scramble to figure out how I was going to end my sentence. Because of this I tend to feel really hurt whenever someone innocently interrupts me, and I don't want to be upset because I know that they don't mean any harm and, like you said, there are so many understandable reasons why people interrupt others (adhd being one of them, which many of my friends had/have). But that doesn't change the fact that I get very deflated and am immediately taken back to when no one cared about what I had to say. That applies to text conversations, too--if someone doesn't respond to something I typed, I take that as them intentionally ignoring and disregarding me, which I know can't be true all the time.
No matter how bad and guilty and annoying I feel for talking so much in any given situation, even when I know in the back of my mind that I'm being too talkative, I still just can't stop talking. I very often cover my mouth with a hand or softly bite my lips to physically stop myself from talking, especially when I notice that I accidentally cut someone off (which I wouldn't want to do to anyone else since it makes me feel so bad). As a 26 year old I still apologize constantly for talking too much, even when they tell me they don't mind or they're even happy to hear what I have to say. (And then of course, I attempt to apologize for apologizing and try to stop myself before I just go in circles.) Regardless of that, if what I'm saying isn't being reciprocated in any way, I get anxious and feel the need to keep on talking, desperately trying to find the right topic that the person will finally jump in on. I always start and carry conversations, but I annoy myself so much in every social situation that I don't like hanging out in voice chat very often (for example), because I know that no matter what, I'll end the call feeling guilty and overanalyzing everything I said all night. It sucks to simultaneously feel guilty and annoying for talking, while also being hurt and offended if people don't listen. I don't want to be like that, so I never tell anyone if I feel ignored and just keep it to myself--reminding myself that it's not their fault, which in turn... kind of makes it mine instead, again.
Anyway, I really appreciate hearing all of this. I hadn't heard anything about this at this angle, and it's really helpful for me to think about it this way. I knew that I talked a lot because of autism, but framing it this way makes me feel less guilty and more like I'm just employing the strategy that works for me. I won't feel as bad thinking out loud at work, because I know that that's just sincerely the way that I have to go about my day or I'm completely lost and make wrong decisions. I still will feel bad for talking in general to friends, but that's just kind of how it's gonna be. Thank you again, this video and others on your channel have been so helpful. It's been really touching to know that someone actually understands the more specific problems I have, /and/ has tips to help with them. You're helping so many people out there.
I like when people talk a lot - it means I don’t have to talk!
Totally relate to this on a lot of levels. ❤
So much of what you've said here, damn near everything you've said, sounds so much like what I went through and still go through for a second I thought we were related. It hurt to read this. It's so true it hurt. If I realize I'm still talking after a minute, I stop too, and yes, sometimes in the middle of my own sentence. I just, can't... I was maybe 5 the first time I saw the Atlantic Ocean, and I remember quietly walking on the sand next to my mom holding her hand until she stopped and just looking out at it, and she said my name and said, "Do you see that? Do you see how big it is? It's not as big as your mouth," and we stood for maybe a few seconds more then turned and walked back. The last time I remember trying was maybe around 8 or 9 and after saying/stating/mentioning some fact or info of some such re school to my mom she actually asked me something about it, a follow up question of some sort. It was HUGE and I couldn't believe it. I was surprised and excited. it was a big deal. So I started to tell her about whatever it was and almost as soon as I started to talk she walked right out of the room. The dentist was the only one to ever tell me my mouth was too small. How about that?
I am still so easily ignored, passed over, discounted, or dismissed by so very many so very often, some choosing to show they heard me but only by repeating my words as their own later, others somehow unable or unwilling to hear me unless my words are said by others I ask to present them, my input only worth listening to if entertaining or requested and the subject headings are fairly specific and my 'run time' is finite. Rarely and for very small amounts of time has any personal information (past, present, future, opinions, fears, why's, how's, hopes, dreams, how I like my eggs, etc.) ever been requested and/or shared and/or listened to, fully understood/sought to be understood.
I like that you show main points on the screen now :) It helps a lot with focus!
Thanks as always for your well thought through, important content.
Ignorance of this might be the root of all the drama in the world.
Great video, thank you!
I'm not a verbal processor, but this video helped me realize how much I need text and writing. I watch all TH-cam videos with subtitles, even though I can hear and understand perfectly. The text is more comfortable and easier for me to look at and helps me digest the information better.
I’m the other way around. Subtitles really distract me. I get caught up on words I’m reading, I can’t focus on both the visual and auditory. Also I read too slow/the words don’t stay on the screen for long enough.
This hit home harder than getting popped for talking out of turn in my youth. :(
Raised by boomers?
I think i need a combination of visual and auditory processing, for example we watched a documentary one day and the professor provided a transcribed document so i read along while listening. That topic was the only one I could remember on the final. And the absolute worst for me is power point presentations because the words on screen don't match exactly what they are saying and so I get stuck in limbo
I have two problems with verbal communication: 1) constantly interrupting because I don't pick up on verbal pause cues, especially in meetings at work; 2) not knowing when to jump in on a topic, until discussion has already moved on, due to fear of #1. Not sure if these are common problems for Aspies?
Well it’s a common problem for this aspie as well. 😊
I find this a big issue
Same
Well, some people bore on and on and they don't ever pause. What do you do then?
@@susanmercurio1060 Well, in that case, I'm guessing that even NT people would have the same problem not interrupting.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to read out loud or I have to reread and reread. This video made me cry. I’ve lost so many people I care about because of these exact things.
Crying again over here, feeling seen and validated. Thank you Paul! At 63, I've only recently self diagnosed. I've understood forever that I was a verbal processor, but I never understood that it helped me listen. This is so huge in furthering my acceptance of myself.
An interesting sidenote. I started with a therapist a few months back, and she told me in our 1st session that she wanted me to interrupt her whenever I needed to. At first I was super surprised. Really? I'm used to always working really hard to stay focused and try to hold my thoughts until it's my turn. I gotta say, it's the most empowering therapy I've ever been in. I thought I would abuse it, being allowed to interrupt, but instead I find I can pay attention better and because I can interrupt, I'm learning to really follow the threads that are coming up, and in turn, doing really powerful healing.
Thank you again Paul for your inspiring and dedicated work. You are such a blessing. ❤
Only watched the intro so far, but already found the explanation for my conversational habits. If I’m rambling and interrupting it means I am positively invested in the topic or a person I’m talking to.
Fellow Aspie. I love the way you explain things. These videos really help my family, as I'm terrible at explaining! So glad you're on TH-cam--the world need YOU.
Thank you so much for this research. I have been shamed multiple times for interrupting by close friends. It is so true that I am actually being really engaged in the conversation. I guess I am not caught up in strict social norms of being polite. I am really happy as a very late diagnosed neurodivergent human(@57 years) to find the community of people who just want to help us live authentically.
This is very interesting. I had heard about "auditory" "visual" and "kinesthetic" types of learning, but never heard of verbal information processing. But it makes complete sense!
I tend to verbally process when I'm driving a car, just so I know I drive on the correct lane, mind yhe pedestrians and know where I'm going. I have a habit of doing with my parents, too, if they're driving and it annoys my dad, but I've been saying it helps me stay focused and if I need to drive the same route again, I remember stuff better.
However, I'm more a visual learner - or I learn by doing things. In the past few years, I've learned to listen to audiobooks, but it only works, when I'm drawing or doing something at the same time. Listening to the book helps me focus on what I'm doing, while doing something helps me focus on the book.
You are literally me. Almost every video. Even this one describing my girlfriend driving me crazy, interrupting me constantly, claiming that she's "trying." I'm sorry, but the other videos are spooky, but this one especially. I'm happy I found these... Thanks a lot.
Now I understand! Thank you! I never realized that my "talking too much" equaled information processing. I typically suppress this, unless I'm with a close friend, although I still end up apologizing for "talking too much". I won't do that in the future...I'll tell them the truth.
I try to keep it simple, so the regular people don't have to break their thinkers trying to understand. Basically, I say, I just have a lot of noise to contend with that other people don't seem to have. Simply explaining overstimulation helps, i.e. "You ever just get a hair that keeps tickling you? It's like that but it's everything, including my thoughts." People really seem to be more willing to understand for you, if you have a way for them to see it from their own perspective.
Be kind, be understanding of others FIRST, and then expect them to do the same for you. I love you guys and I wish you all the best.
'I think it's my responsibility to fix the problem socially and meet the person 100% where they're at, the problem is with me' - This made me cry, realising that I've always done this. Thank you for this Paul, I feel as though you've helped me to better understand my social anxiety in a new way. 🙏
Same!
Unfortunately most NT people expect that from others coz most are self absorbed and entitled, and want you to read their mind and bend to their will, and if you don't then you are oppressing them in some way. The woke subculture has really emboldened this level of entitlement as well.
I have had to move away from anything woke coz it is like white noise up to 11 for me. It's like a gross victim status hierarchy, using the 'myth if disability' and victimhood to control others. Like the disability version of using the race card or the misogyny card. Lying for control and calling it being lovely, is very postmodern and gas lit. I cannot be around that horrific behaviour at all. It makes me sad for the human race. It makes me give up hope to be near this behaviour.
@@YesBruv105 Do you think aspergers as a syndrome could be of a deeper spiritual origin ? It seems most don't actually have joy in their experience of not getting along whilst trying to get along. Most of the woke culture is directly against the biblical expression of human agency being positive and self controlled for mutual benefit.
Do you think that some of these individuals that with all their might to overcome what is socially debilitating and causes angst and disconnection & ostracism is deliberatly being embraced?
I was a premature baby from the old days where touch and care for the baby was minimal ...very few interactions and then into a family that was not expressive and quite repressive with unhealthy socialisation. I have always had some of what is described in these syndromes. I have difficulty recognising people that I know because their face just doesn't get put in my brain as it ought. Also have difficulty understanding facial gestures and when to continue on with a conversation or not. I love to be around people & to be kind but find I may not be pleasant to be around for them due to not comprehending cueing from the facial gestures as much as I have tried to attend to these things.
It is like being deaf and there is no Auslan/sign language to help connect. I do know since following Christ the confidence to trust people more has grown as when you are deaf/socially blind you often stumble and fall over people and spill something on them on the way down metaphorically and it brings shame & embarrassment that is hard to get over too.
Be blessed.
This would be 100% of all arguments between me and my husband 🤣 I forget every previous word he said 😬
I had to wait till I was 79 to be told this and realize I am not broken and talking to much and interrupting is my way of communicating! I have been ostracized my whole life because of this and am very sad and hurt because no one understood or understands me. Thank you for validating me.🌹
Thank you for posting this video. I am a verbal processor, but because I went thru life not knowing I was autistic, I learned to mask really well, so well, that I don't know when I'm masking or when I am being my authentic self. When I'm conversing with someone I am usually the one who talks over that person or I talk too much, and regret it later, So I don't speak much because my social anxiety takes over. I stay to myself and speak when necessary. This video helped me to understand my personality and way of thinking, thank you.
I've been searching everywhere because I've lost all of my confidence in talking to people. I didn't know what's wrong with me. Thank you for this. Now. I understand what's going on, but I may still have to fix myself because no one cares if it's my personality, people are selfish, if they don't like it, they won't work with me, even my husband probably.
I don’t process fast enough verbally. Constantly interrupt people and find it difficult to follow conversations If multiple conversations are going on. I talk too much and have only realised this was a way of masking social anxiety. I never knew this. Paul - Thank you sharing and the time spent on making these clips. These really help me understand a lot of what’s been going on for me for decades. Thank you so much.
I literally hold my breathe to stop from interrupting and talking over people.
Thank you. This has me in tears and I so appreciate you addressing this with such kindness. I deal with this a lot and I try so hard to go into situations. If I mask and keep quiet people think I’m moody or mad. If I allow myself to be me, people treat me as if I’m rude, annoying, and too annoying. I’ve found the ones who take the time to listen and value everyone, those rare few are my people.
My Aspie boyfriend has an amazing ability to listen to multiple audiobooks and alternate between them from day to day, hour by hour. My NT brain can’t do that, so I listen to one book through before starting another. Now I think I understand why. Thank you.
I can listen to two things at once, but that weirds other people out.
This must be associated with how I have trouble hearing what someone is saying when there are also other sources of auditory input. Ex: My husband will be watching both TV and TH-cam at the same time, and the furnace will start, and then he starts to speak to me. I'll interrupt to say, "Auditory Competition! The extra noises make it hard to understand what you're saying." This has happened enough that he has picked up on the concept, and recently started pausing or muting the TV program or TH-cam or music before he says something to me. I luv my Hunny!
This video also reminded me about some people I know who will silently mouth what someone is saying to them. It weirds me out a bit when their mouth follows what I'm saying. But this concept of having different ways of processing input helps put that into perspective. And I now recognize that, yeah, they have other traits within the autism spectrum. They may not even realize it themselves, as I hadn't recognized ASD/Aspergers in myself until recently.
🧠🔍👀❗️
I talk to much because most people are boring me…(and out of loneliness, of course)
Best video ever
Omg, this makes so much sense. I always had issues reading. I didn't like to read as child. I loved being read to tho. TH-cam and audiobooks are a godsend for me.
Tho I am an interrupter and people are annoyed by that. But I would it's more that I need to say or write my thoughts in order to fully process them. So I've grown to prefer writing because then no one is angry at me for interrupting and I can process my thoughts comfortably. Tho I often end up writing essays that hardly anyone is able to read thru :P Talking is harder because people get angry when I feel the urge to jump in. And keeping myself from doing that is very draining.
This was super helpful to me as a mom. I have a teen with auditory processing disorder and we just discovered sometimes she uses incorrect terms when describing something which has made me believe she was telling me one thing while doing another. But truth is her brain was searching for right word to use, causing a lot of confusion...Thus this video also highlights how we all process information differently! Thank you for sharing!!!
Funny the people I feel comfortable talking to are all people who are happy to interrupt because it makes me feel like it's okay for me to also, and I always feel a lot more engaged and connected to the conversation, I never thought of it as a processing style though. Fantastic video, opens my eyes up a bit!
Thank you for this Paul. I personally find it amusing that we call it masking, but you use the word suppressing through much of this video to describe the behaviour. I agree with the concept that we are putting a mask on, but the older I get and the worse my life with ASD has become, the more I believe it is suppressing and this ultimately results in a negative outcome. It is all the more frustrating when you interrupt a conversation because the other people are thinking their way through a problem, and you've arrived at a solution our outcome well ahead of them.
For the same reasons we have to be patient with neuro-typical people, and try to accommodate their way of thinking, talking and interacting, it should be a given that ASD people can express themselves naturally and without pre-judgement.
This, for me personally, is timely, given our youngest child has just been diagnosed with ASD with associated high-degree auditory and visual sensitivities, and I know he constantly talks and interrupts as he wants to understand the conversation, to show others he understands what is going on, and to get his thoughts out as soon as they occur to him. It is even challenging to me, having a small inkling of what he is experiencing.
Keep up the great content!
"Let me finish my sentence" - and they look deep into my eyes with silence.
Secret thoughts inside me: "Just talk then! TALK! Why did you stop talking? And don't look at me like this, it's aggressive and intimidating and I've done nothing to deserve it. TAAAALK for heaven sake, finish your sentence and leave me alone."
And they will be happy because I let them finish their sentence. And I'll forever try to avoid any further interaction with them.
best comment I ever found
My husband does this to me. He gets super angry when I "interrupt," even if I am trying *very hard* to wait until he's stopped talking. (But his pauses are so long!!) It ends up feeling like a lecture, not a conversation, especially when I have a question that he says he's already *trying* to *explain,* if I would just shut up and let him *finish.* But I can't grasp what he's trying to tell me, because I need him to explain something first. :/
I am getting very good at just saying "Uh huh... uh huh..." but it's getting harder to mask how goddamned uninterested this makes me, and how if I'm just being asked to stand there and not actually respond or contribute or hold any kind of an actual back-and-forth *conversation* then can I please just get back to what I was doing?
*Thirty goddamned years* I've been struggling to stop interrupting him, or not finish his sentences, and I *still* can't successfully do it without a *massive* effort, and even then, only by disengaging from the conversation. And he *still* thinks I can control it and am just not trying hard enough. Hah, recently he even said to me that if I *couldn't* actually control it, insisting that I stop it "would be really cruel." But, see, hE BeLiEvEs iN mE aNd kNoWs I cAn dO bEtTeR.
And that's without even touching on how angry he gets when I repeat what he just said, which to *me* reads like I'm agreeing with and reinforcing what he said. And is something I only really do when I'm engaged in or trying to pay attention to the conversation.
You know. Like, "Hey, it's garbage day; we need to put the garbage out."
And I'll respond with, "Yeah, I was just about to tell the kids to put it out, because it's garbage day."
Him: "I just said that!!"
He takes it very personally and thinks I'm either ignoring him or deliberately being disrespectful. Sigh.
I'm gonna show him this video.
Gets angry at you, pretends to know what you have control over and what you don’t (mind reading/assuming your intentions while giving no credence to your perspective) and the expectation that you listen to him lecture...not a conversation. Coercion. Control. Not interested in relating with you or actually understanding you but only that you understand him. Also taking things personally. These are all red flags for me now that illuminate an abusive behavior pattern.
I hear Subjugation and expectation of Submission on your part only
to giving your attention, energy, time to listening to his lectures.
I feel for you and sincerely hope this is helpful to you or anyone else who is going through something similar.
It’s bullying behavior and it’s violent at its core because there is no room for you to be in that conversation no room for your understanding or authentic participation.
This is what I read you describing.
@@jamiesjoy8 Yes, he is possibly a narcissist. Maybe she can watch some videos on that to find out.
@@KryssLaBryn My boyfriend of 24 years did this to me all the time. He's a narcissist and he destroyed my self-esteem then he dumped me at 65 years old and ran off with a woman 15 years younger than himself doing a classic devalue then discard. Good luck to you. My heart goes out to you.
OMG...this video explains so much to me. I am a Verbal Processor and I talk out loud to myself to gather my thoughts to put them into a logical order or to be able to communicate a idea to someone. My Finance' does no like when people talk out loud to themselves and she tells me to talk to my self silently. It is a point of contention in our relationship to the point that we may not stay together.
You are talking about my attitude in a so charming way... listening with engagement... for good communication. Isuffer from ADHS and I feel so unpolite by talking in between because of my bad memory... thank you, great video as always🌴❣
Hoo boy! I've been called a "motormouth" as a kid, told that I talk too much, and outright mocked for it. I'm not known for being taciturn. It's caused me a great deal of shame, and I definitely carry around the scars which can open easily into wounds. I must admit that I'm having a hard time shaking the notion that something is wrong with me, that it's still my responsibility to meet others all the way. Neurodivergence is still an acceptable prejudice against in many circles.
Sometimes I think I talk a lot because the people around me are rude and don't actually care about what I have to say, they respond very quickly to the first thing I say when I haven't even gotten my point across, so I feel I have to talk very quickly to get my point across before I'm interrupted & it's often quiet after that because I seemed like a "motormouth".. when in reality I just want to be heard because nobody listens
@@Feminazi1dc I definitely feel ya there, fam.
For me it’s more keeping up with conversation and prepping appropriate reply before you forget
Thank you so much for this. I literally cried during the first part of the video because I've had trouble explaining this need. I just sent this video to my husband. We sometimes butt heads because of my compulsive need to interrupt him and interpret out loud what he just told me. I hope this helps him to understand this need of mine.
Speaking of talking too much and interrupting. I once had a bizarre conversation with a girl I just met. We each talked continuously, at the same time. No waiting for the other to stop, no stopping when another talked. We were listening and talking at the same time. We were talking very fast too. It went on for 2 hours.
When I was young, someone used girls talking on the phone as an example of this way of talking. They also invalidated it as something bizarre that only immature people would do. That makes me angry.
Doing an online computer course. This is allowing me the opportunity to read all the notes and exam questions out loud!! Because I’m alone or camera microphone is muted. For once, I am excelling! So glad to view and understand your video. Thank you!
You are realy helpfull. Thanks a lot!!!
I for myselfe find different processingstyles in different surroundings/situations.
If i am alone, there are no words at all in my mind and i think in some kind of sensorial/synesthetic shapes. Processing there works easy, complex and quite fast.
When i am with someone, translating into the world of words is hard work, takes lots of spoons.
When i try to explain, overexplaning happens, because, my originairy thought is clear, but to complex to get translated in words. Translated into words, the amount of data seams to explode.
Man this was amazing! you helped me discover my identity...I never knew there is such a thing as verbal processing...Indeed I can compare myself most of time as "sonar"...Im sending waves and upon their impact I evaluate their quality...If I am not satisfied I imedietly start saying simillar thing in different way until i am satisfyed how it ended up...wich is basicly talking too much for most people standards. Deserved Subscribe from me and many thanks
I also understand things by sonar! Im only able to assemble the pattern and evaluate it, on the bounce back. I NEED people as a sounding board to be able to think.
Described my experiences with conversing 100%, thanks for the video! I feel much less alone knowing this is common among autistic people.
Your videos describing your experiences are very helpful. Thank you
So I'm only starting to explore the possibility that I might be on the spectrum. When my daughter was diagnosed with autism I was kinda like hey wait these things she's doing aren't weird I do that. Time went on and that statement kept repeating "that can't be autistic I do that!" Just recently I was like ohh I might be doing all those things because I'm autistic. I took a few test as well online, I don't buy much into online evaluations. However 4 or 5 all kinda point to likely autistic tendencies. I'm going to talk to my GP next visit but until then I'm going to learn everything there is to know about autism anyway, I need to learn to connect to my amazing daughter. That sounds like a big task as there are a lot of resources to digest but I watched around 2k hrs of physics, astronomy, quantum mechanics, chemistry, and general relativity just because I wanted to find out how gravity actually worked. Needless to say only more questions than I had before I explored depts of the internet. I even learned more math and I hadn't planned on that at all. I'm really not good at putting things in to text, there are just too many things I need to say at once. I'm verbally effective, I work at a billing call center and do really well. Every call is like a little simulation and I get better and better 9.4 years and counting. Not to say it's all been great but it's a job and I get paid pretty nicely. And that above text is why I'm very interested in the above video. Thanks dude, you're videos are very relatable and educational.
Actually, the AS50 question form is a list of standard questions and most of them are used in official evaluations. If you answer the AS50 truthfully and from gut feeling, the result will be close to what will be your diagnosis. I scored 38(!) on that test while a score of
Ah! I'm fascinated by gravity too! I've watched a bunch of youtube videos explaining it, but my dad says they're not really accurate.
My dad is a mathematician who has read Einstein's book Relativity - which I've borrowed but not yet read.
Anyway I'd be interested in what you found out. Is there like a Gravity enthusiasts club or something?
@@paulmichaelfreedman8334 Have you a link to that please? I've just searched ' AS50 question form' & just got a whole bunch of random crap.
@@tiddlypom2097 I really enjoyed this explanation it's not 💯 exactly but it's really easy to visualize after watching. th-cam.com/video/wrwgIjBUYVc/w-d-xo.html
I’m butting heads with my therapist over this issue-I think I’m autistic and he doesn’t. His argument is “But you can engage with people,” which indicates he doesn’t know what masking is.
I loved what you said. I think I'm a verbal processor and I like the other ways of learning too. I have heard a lot that I talk too much or say things that I should know that other people already know, as if I think they don't know. I am considering that I have autism, but I'm highly sensitive for sure, and i felt very shut down in my marriage and with my boys, who are all highly sensitive, maybe they or some of them are on the autism spectrum too. It was very sad for me that conversations didn't go very far in our family. We could have all used your reframing to the positive. Sometimes I have thought that my ideas were so interesting that it was the other people's problem that they wanted to shut me down, but I also blamed myself. I can relate to hearing things said out loud and thinking it's dumb once I do say it also. I was so shut down by the end of my marriage at about age 48, that I paid a therapist $100 ( a lot of money for us 15 years ago) for a session and could't say anything. She even berated me for her mistake in that she was late I didn't have a cell phone on so she could call me, so she said that was my fault, and I couldn't defend myself. Thanks for the interesting talk and your compassionate way of teaching us to handle the differences in processing with all people's ways of processing information as valid . PS, I also read that culturally, New Yorkers, like my mom and hence me, interrupt to show we understand the other person. But I also relate to the experience that if someone is slow and methodical in their talking, I can lose the thread and I want to jump ahead to what I think they are taking so long to explain. We all need the patience for each other.
Oh my god, all throughout college and even still when I'm trying to figure out a problem, I'll go in circles over and over in my head thinking about all the different aspects of various solutions until I finally just start talking to someone about it, and even before they get their two cents in, it all totally clears up and I know what to do. I've always been frustrated that my thinking works like that, because it makes me feel like I'm dependent, so I kind of learned to apologize beforehand for being like this, but it's just something I need to do and I've never been able to fix it. I feel like I'm defective
This also explains a lot about why I in conversation I far prefer to talk than to listen. Thank you. This means a lot :)
WOW! I need to listen to this again! Several times!
I have been told to shut up! my whole life!
you explain things in such a way that i've never felt so seen.
As a teenager in school, I discovered at some point that my learning style is a mix of verbal and visual learning. A lot of the book I processed by 'teaching' my mother what I had learned both with and without the book, and she'd ask me questions to see if she understood me and I'd get deeper into the subject. I needed that soundboard to verbally process and learn, all the other methods (write it down many times and things like that) just never worked well for me.
With more practical things I'm more a visual learner, watch people do the thing a thousand (or at least a lot of) times and then dive into doing the thing myself. That is how I learned how to sew, I watched my mother sew for years and one day I said I wanted to learn how to. My mother helped me pick the fabric and the pattern, she was surprised I went for a striped fabric and a fairly difficult pattern. But then she needed to go to the kitchen and cook dinner and I was left alone. Around dinner time I had a fair bit done and my mother was again surprised and wondered how I knew what to do without her guiding me. So, I told her I had watched her all those years do the thing and that's how I knew how to. She always thought I didn't watch her that closely because I showed no interest in sewing at all. Learning a new craft, TH-cam really is my buddy!
Wow, that sounds quite relatable! :)
Fr I'm a verbal processor when I am the one saying things out loud , but Its hard when others are the ones talking.
This really explains so much to me, sooo much. I'm often joked as the 'goldfish' because I don't get something as it's said, I'm late to jokes, etc. Whenever it comes to information I LOVEE reading, but there has NEVER been a time where I've read something and didn't extensively immediately share with the next person everything I learned. I repeated! And anytime I'm given directions or instructions I always have to double back and answer questions with questions. All this time, this impulse to share and repeat things out loud- It's because that's how /I/ processed. All this time I thought everything boiled down to damaging message #1, that learning that I was autistic (yet didn't present the level of motor imparity that my brother has) meant something was 'fuxked up' about me.
Thank you so much for having your videos like this, it's becoming a lot easier to discover and understand myself for what I've deserved.
This is me ! I can't visualise when someone describes something (an object, building, room…) verbally so I have to ask people to stop describing because my brain doesn't understand…
And I can't stop interrupting because I loose my train of thought (which is also why I am writing this comment while in the middle of the video and not at the end LOL).
I also have deep or self-reflective thoughts in a conversation almost ONLY when talking, I don't have them in my head first !
The big issue is when speaking to another verbal processor, because we keep interrupting each other and each loosing our thoughts XD
Literally, this is spot on.
I beat myself up verbally and mentally after any outing with people because of this.
I knew I am a verbal processor, but seeing that this is more normal/ is a common thing for people makes me feel better about myself.
I thought there was something wrong with me and felt I was rude to people. (Even though I was intentionally listing, I got yelled at and people often stopped being friends with me due to my verbal processing.)
Thank you for this video. It was a very good mirror. It really was helpful.
Having someone around who talks too much is very stressful to a lot of people. It drives me up the wall and I can’t change that any more than some people can’t change that they talk too much.
Yes. I just can't be friends with some people. I'm learning that I need to end relationships the second I hear from them that I talk too much. They will hurt my feelings and destroy my self-esteem. I have other friends that have no problem with me at all because they can hold up their end of a conversation with me. They don't even think I talk too much. I LOVE them and they love me back. I know for someone like you that seems impossible that you could love a motormouth and actually look forward to seeing them.
I work on it every day and try to control my talking and be a better listener but sadly I find the people that put me down the most do nothing to try and improve their method of communicating with me. If they're the quieter ones they enjoy feeling superior and making it all my fault but it takes two to tango as the saying goes. There are ways to calm a big talker. One suggestion that often works is to find out if the motormouther is hungry and try and get them to eat something that's protein rather than sugary.
@@kathykonkle1097
Everyone wants you to listen, but no one wants to listen. Ngl, I have a growing hatred for humanity and its people that hasn't been there since, idk, high school. I can't seem to hold down any life-long friendships I want, and it puts me in an existential state, where I wonder if we should all just get nuked so we no longer have to act like we care about anyone, when it's extremely obvious we really don't. No one likes me and I don't like anyone. My gifts are wasted on a dead planet that doesn't know it's dead yet. I await the extinction.
I do a few things depending on the circumstances: Sometimes I’ll let the other person know I’m going to repeat the information back to them so we can both be sure I understood it correctly. Or I may just repeat what they’ve said with an inflection in my voice that reframes their statement as a question, that they can then respond to. I also hear my thoughts as a voice in my head. So other times I may repeat information to myself inside my own head. This may not work for everyone, and it doesn’t always work for me. But because of how my thoughts work, it can help in a pinch.
I find that what I naturally do in conversation is tell the other person a story about myself, or something I know, that I think is similar to their statements, and explain where I find similarities. This isn’t really any different than a typical conversation except that I can have a tendency to go on and on and monopolize the conversation, in an attempt to listen and understand the other person. I know now that’s not how people feel listened to though, and I try to be mindful of that.
You have to say it wrong before you know it's wrong! Thank you so much for that x
Yet another area of self-understanding that needs processing 🤔😀 Thank you for that!
I am a verbal thinker and verbal processor. Thank you for this video!
Wow I am so excited that I found this site😊 at 65 I've come to realize by being told pretty much by everyone that I talk too much. You described this verbal processing to a t when it comes to the experience I have within my head, my heart and soul. I've been a teacher for many years . I don't talk as if I know everything but I love to engage in conversation with people and learn about what's going on with them through conversation. I've explained over and over again just recently that the only way I can understand what they're saying is if I verbally somehow put it together in my head. Actually this is a fine example at this very moment what comes over me. I got so excited about hearing what you were saying and knowing that there is actually a word for my problem.... I jumped in here to comment before the video was even over. Thank you thank you so much for explaining this♥️
Thank you so much for this video, it has truly touched me and is definitely going to help me feel less like I am the one in the wrong all the time… it is really hard to have to suppress yourself all your life: I recently discovered that I have ASD and it has been an enlightening experience, but sometimes it really saddens me seeing how all the rejection, trauma and lack of understanding caused so much suppression in me, all because of ignorance from both sides.
Thank you again 🙏🏼
This is brilliant. For me this is extremely valuable information and explains many disagreements between my wife and myself. She’s a verbal processor and I am NOW, a person who was wrong about many thing including my opinion of her way of processing information. Thank you again for the insight and thoughtful commentary on autism, it is changing my life and I’m sure many others.
This was so helpful for me! Wow, thank you. A visual & verbal processor who struggles to process info auditorally.
Is it education or is it enlightenment?
Guess you are a hero for me.
Hear some minstrel whistling gratitude melody float by.
Thank you from a grateful one on the other side of the globe
Yes, I say key items out loud when I'm reading, love audiobooks, also speak out loud when I'm thinking even when no one else is around. I talk too much in general and loose my train of thought when interrupted. I do interrupt in meetings if I can get away with it so that I can start processing and get connected, otherwise I might be totally unaware of the real subjects which I often miss.
I found myself repeating key phrases aloud while watching this and other videos.
Verbal processor here & it’s been the thorn in my side my entire life.
Wow!! Thank you!!, I’m not autistic, but this really helped me a lot to understand different types of processing, and it does feel good to look at it though a positive light ❤️
Thank you Paul! This is so me! Very Hyperlexic. But Auditory too. Music and dance are my favorite ways to express myself. Which is kind of a form of both verbal and then auditory I just saw by answering ur question and then writing this. Lol,perfect exampls of what your saying,cuz writing it out helps me so much too. These I guess are my big 3! God bless you!😇
Thank you so much for this very clear explanation. I am married to a wonderful, loving person whom I have come to believe is on the autism spectrum. Your videos are helping me enormously with understanding and empathizing with him. I have often been concerned about him interrupting when we are in a conversation with others. I now understand what may be behind it.
years ago i was asking a R&D man a tech question in front of others at the office and he kept interrupting me as in telling me he's got it speed up, I really appreciated how he did that but others were saying he was rude!! I totally disagreed because it was efficient for him to tell me that. so it can work for the better to honestly and authentically share without taking offense! thank you, he was communicating on the fly and it was good, i've had a couple people be able to listen and share at my pace and i was so excited to find others that could jump around, interrupt, listen and talk without having to fit into a pattern taught elsewhere for others!!
Thank you so much, I don't feel like such a Mitch match anymore. Thank you once again