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I now kinda understand why teenagers have a “phase” with their parents, and I’m not referring to the hormonal changes. It is the proper phase when they get to say “No” and define their boundaries. I mean as a 29 year old who was brought up to be the yes and good child, I’ve never went through the proper teenage years of opposition, and I’m starting to feel like an angsty teenager having to set boundaries I’ve never been able to before, call it slow growth, I’m glad I’m redefining my boundaries nonetheless…I find my mother crashing into my room during sleep very invasive, and she still uses “I’m your mother card”. I had to tell her the hard way, hey I’m nearly 30 and I have the right to my privacy (space and time).
It's funny how some of these family people love it when others are assertive, yet do not give certain scapegoats like myself that permission without it being world war III to them being declared or something
oh that's funny. I have a cousin who's always been outwardly more confident but internally we've both had similar levels of insecurity (I think). As the decades have gone on though, I've changed, gained more self-worth, so the more natural less forceful level of confidence I do emanate now offends her, she *hates* that i'm not nervous hesitant and insecure any more. She ices me now.
I just listened to all three videos. Can you believe that at 45 years old, I didn't know I had these rights? I was raised by a malignant vulnerable narcissistic father. I was raised to do whatever he said and to never say or do anything that would upset him because that is disrespectful and I deserve his physical, verbal and emotional abuse because it's my fault that he's angry. Until last year, I have lived a misused life and made many bad choices because I felt I was worthless and disgusting. That's what my dad told me my whole life.These videos help me so much in my reparenting journey. I understand these are adult rights, but can a child do anything legally to stop abuse like this? Or do they have to tolerate it (if they don't kill themselves first) and hopefully as an adult realize the behaviors and toxic teachings were wrong and maybe do the work to repair their damaged souls? I also wonder if teaching children about verbal and emotional abuse could be added to elementary sqchool curriculum. I remember my 5th grade teacher teaching us about sexual abuse as part of the curriculum in Tennessee. In my opinion, verbal and emotional abuse is just as damaging, to the victim and to society by creating another disregulated person for everyone deal with. Thank you for the videos and keep them coming!
It can definitely help to teach this to kids, but also it’s mostly important to remember that kids will absorb their emotional experience (actions speak louder than words). If we focus on our own self differentiation work, hopefully they will absorb a healthier & more mature emotional experience. I’m happy you found the video helpful!
I also would like to see emotional education mandated. If people are taught boundaries, sphere of control/influence, emotional safety from a young age, abuse will be easier to spot and harder to continue. I don’t know about legal rights aside from emancipation (a child has to be able to take care of themselves like an adult in order to do this). But in my preteen years /early teenage years I mentally disowned my parents. Honestly, it was transformative. I would go in my room and lock my door, spend time on healthy things that made me happy- homework, books, music. I started making my own school lunches and only interacted as a family at dinner time. I kept things congenial and surface level whenever I would talk to my parents. I went to my mentors and trusted peers for advice instead.
Felt I needed to point this out... "whys" are not a means of resistance for nuerodivergent folks. It is wanting to deeply understand. We like to know how things work... including your thoughts and feelings. Saying this in general about people asking you questions when you they ask for further explanation. You are speaking of narcissists reasoning only.
I really needed this! Yesterday I was thinking about how I've been going through some changes recently and kind of lost my knowledge of what is my right and what isn't! I've been putting boundaries but people haven't been taking them well (as always). This led me to doubt my right of putting boundaries, which hadn't happened to me in months!! I guess that's what happens when you're stressed lol. Anyways today I woke up to this video and it feels just right for this particular moment of my life! Thanks Jerry
I lost myself too and I'm getting him back. Glad to hear that I'm not the only one who has to deal with this as part of the recovery of the mistreatment and all
Very helpful. I’m learning my right to change my mind. It doesn’t mean I’m unstable, dishonest, unkind, or wishy washy. I can be very stable, honest, kind, and purposeful in changing my mind. I own my right. Now, getting to the part of not having to explain myself is the next step.
@@moirosalina Just set up to donate to Jerry monthly via PayPal! 🤑🥳 *Attn: Victims of financial abuse - I mark Jerry as [Safe]* Children's Bill of Rights is like $25?
Some of these points are so hard to put into action, but so empowering when done. I own this book and love it! Thank you for succinctly summarizing these rights!
11:30 "I think it's best not to give the reasons at THIS point (of finally deciding that you're done with the marriage... Or whatever else too, after too much not changing from the transgressive partner!)." I've learned that it's an exercise in futility at that point. It kept me on the SWEET/MEAN CYCLE Merry-Go-Round for a little too long with friends and lovers and family members too that were no longer good for me
Jerry, I really like you. But you really challenge my thinking. It's a wonderful thing!! You are like a coach, who loves people too much to let them stay in stinking thinking. Thanks for your beautiful tough love. May we all have the courage to keep listening.
A big heartfelt thank to you Jerry. I am truly grateful for you. Nobody talk about this rights in my life. I felt enlightened and educated on this important facts. Have a great day too, Jerry and I certainly will look forward for the next part.❤️
I've been listening along, all three videos on this, and it just occurred to me that these are normal rights. That is, these are not even questions, in a normal family. Very strange.
Wow, I related very hard to those non-assertive rights. I feel like I have especially latched onto the 'don't upset anyone', and then rolled with it turning it into 'you might upset others and thats really bad so don't tell anyone what you're doing if you think it will upset them', which then turns into 'i am upsetting everyone by not telling them but continuing to do the upsetting thing behind their backs'. Oh I don't like who I'm seeing in the mirror these days :(
Can you accept who you see in the mirror these days? Accepting does not mean liking. Accepting can be the first step of seeing reality as it is and therefore freeing you to do something about it (if you want to do something about it). Not “looking in the mirror” also means not allowing yourself to do something about it❤️
1:30 "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" your presentation is going to be a "hybrid" of? I haven't read that book in decades, but was very helpful back then and I like your videos so I can't wait to see the rest of this presentation here
Wow you articulated aspects of relationships and accountability I have not thought of. Super informative, empowering and helpful! Especially for those of us that come from dysfunctional families and did not have good teachers to develop healthy social skills and boudaries have had to learn those from trial and error with other people as adults! Now, in my late 30's I am just realizing why I have felt like I ruin all my relationships. It is not my fault and we are trying to learn as we navigate relationships as adults. Many people do not know how to be accountable for their words and actions and if you bring it up or change your mind or the dynamic of the relationship, they can not handle it because they also do not have healthy interpersonal skills and depend on others for happiness and self validation. No one likes to be criticized and can take offense. Also the need to explain to be heard and list reasons can make things more difficult, so the skill is in articulating these things. Even though I value honesty I have a new appreciation for the white lie instead of telling them reasons and needed my feelings to be explained or validated, I can say, that doesn't work for me, or I am busy instead of making it personal and dramatic. Thank you Jerry!
I feel like these issues about judgment from others comes up a lot at work for me when something goes wrong that I’ve been working on. I used to be sent into a spiral but I’m making progress now, when something doesn’t go right I think back to what I did and remind myself that I did the best I could and that’s all I could do. Then reassess what to do next time with the new information I have. I still get influenced by others judgements but I am getting quicker at removing myself from those spirals!
I agree with some of these points very much, but to never explain the reasons to people can be hurtful and unnecessary I think. For example, just saying to the Grandparents the new Christmas plans you are going to be doing with your children can be very hurtful to them, without offering a different idea. For example, why not just offer a different time to get together, like Christmas Eve, or the day after Christmas. Unless you feel that the person is just going to constantly argue with your need, giving no explanation can be unkind in my opinion. Just cutting out of people all the time with no explanation might not be great for relationships for the long run. This sense of family might be really important for the Grandparents - they are family too! So unless they are being abusive or overbearing, I think some compromise is nice. But I agree that we don’t need to answer for everything - especially if people are just going to argue with us. Also, if it’s a really important event, like a wedding, and your best man just up and says, “I can’t come” with no explanation, that is hurtful! Potentially devastating to a person. I think it’s unrealistic and unkind to offer nothing more. Unless the best man is trying to make a statement about his friendship with you, in which case maybe you need to reevaluate the friendship! I think being autonomous is wonderful. I love the idea of not having other people define or control how we think and feel. However, I do think that some explanations at times are important. If a person is just going to argue with you nonstop, then no, you don’t have to. But pulling out of major events with really important people in your life should warrant some compromise or discussion? Also, regarding the divorce statement, I think that divorce is often really devastating to families so people should really try their best to make things work. Maybe separation for a period is better than all-out divorcing, unless serious abuse is occurring!! 🙏
I think if the parents are respectful of boundaries, they will not need a why, they will understand. They will not be hurt. If you just offer a different time together you are focusing on their feelings. (it does seem polite though, but doormats are too polite hence they are doormats) As a people pleasing co-dependent, I always consider other's opinions and feelings before mine. It's very hard to recognize and stand up for my needs, wants, feelings. I get spun around every time. I think Jerry is offering support for those lost in other's feelings.
@@christinerobertson9596 Hi, thanks for your response! I completely understand where you are coming from, as I, too, all too often get caught up in pleasing others and worrying about offending others constantly. However, I do still feel that explanations to some extent can help another person’s heart. The grandparents might be heartbroken without an explanation or an alternative day for a visit. I think every circumstance is different and every family is different. Even if they are nice, understanding parents, they have feelings too and I think offering an explanation or alternative is polite. Just saying “No” to people without an explanation can seem a bit much from my perspective. I am working on setting boundaries as well, but if we are dealing with kind and reasonable people, an explanation to some extent I think is polite! And a different alternative is nice too if they are important people in our lives! If we are rundown and just can’t do it, I think that’s understandable. But if it’s an important relationship, maybe celebrating Christmas the following weekend with them is an idea? We don’t have to crush ourselves, but I’m sure there’s a way to work it out that feels pretty good to all people involved?
@@JesusSaves77799 I see your point. I guess in my experience, I have one narcissistic parent who selfishly manipulates me to suit her needs. So I'm really listening to the permission to be a little more selfish myself. Believe me, i am the family doormat who always gets mowed over and left out to the last moment. But if the people are respectful and kind, they deserve like treatment.
@@christinerobertson9596 Yes, I totally understand where you are coming from! I had a close friend whom I also felt has become very Narcissistic over the past 15 years or so. She would always wait weeks or months to respond to me, and wasn’t often honest, and I felt like everything was on her terms for the last 15 years. She would always come in gaslighting and love-bombing me at the last minute, and I would fall for it every time and then be left feeling miserable! And I just went along with everything. If she called, I would jump. I always would give an explanation for everything (even if she didn’t do the same for me as many of her explanations were not truthful). I am just now learning how to defend myself from these situations. But as you said too, if people are respectful and nice, I think they deserve the same in return and love and closeness going back and forth! 🙏💖 By the way, I am very sorry about your situation with your mom. I know that can feel devastating. Maybe you can try practicing boundaries one step at a time? And then when you look back you can see how far you have come!! Just a thought! I’m not an expert in the matter at all! P.s. Do you ever struggle with guilt for setting boundaries? That is something that I am really working on! Learning how not to feel guilty.
@@JesusSaves77799 Oh yes. My mother is a very destructive, manipulative narcissist. She will take over my roles as mother and wife if I give her the least little opening. I try to be nice and caring, then before I know it she's overstepping with my husband and my kids. I am to where I can't say much. Yes it does leave me feeling a bit bad, but finally I realize my sanity depends on it. She's very abusive to me.
Glad to hear it! Thank you for watching my videos. If you would like to donate to help produce more free videos, it would be greatly appreciated. Any amounts helps us produce great videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
I think, with a gd job, that I like, that is also well retributed and stable, I'll be more assertive, I'll have more independency and decision making and will also find more solutions. But I cannot wait much longer for this job to come
Working on it now, I hope to post it Friday Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
Do you have any material on narcissistic pastors? I went from drunken narcissist parents to a controlling fundamentalist leader. Who treated me no differently
"NUMBER 3: You have the right to decide whether you're responsible for finding solutions to other people's problems or not." Had an ex recently try to Hoover me last night or the last week and I confirmed her on the fact that she was doing the passive aggressive talking out of the side of her mouth thing when I was actually saying nothing that deserved it at all. she hung up said I have to go get a soda at the store in the middle of the night. Did you call me back this is hi and I said I would not accept that sort of interaction and that was my line in the sand.. she hung up. now it's her problem and the plans she wanted to do tonight.. as Glenn Frey used to sing in Already Gone, "Now you can go eat your lunch all by yourself!". This helps me stick to the new line drawn in the sand that I announced to her after a few days of friendliness. I'm not tolerating what I went to the last time and now I'm not responsible for HER problem. All I wanted was the old exchange of mutual respect we used to have but by making this line, I found that there was lots of trouble down the line. I hope I'm not stretching the definition of number three here, but it literally works for me! No contact and quietly walking away without announcement now after a Hoover attempt has been rebuffed. Because if I'm to accept it otherwise, I'm accepting her basically laughing at a boundary of mine that she refused to acknowledge
When I was First Learning to Reprogram my own Dysfunctional Systems Programming I would Watch these Informative Videos while Taking Notes in my Journal Either Slowing Down the Speed or pausing Periodically and Adding My own Personal Thoughts at that time. It Helped Alot in the Reprogramming Process & when I find Myself Feeling Stuck or Driven toward Old Habits I can reference them When my Limbic system goes on the fritz. Also Gave me Places To Explore with my own Trauma Specialist. Here's Hoping this Can Help You and Others too. Much *Authentic Peace ✌
@@paxchristi1661 Yes Sometimes Medical Treatments Can Feel oh So Dauntingly Uncomfortable.... Much Less Discomfort than Just Barely Surviving Each Day in *FOGS (Fear Obligation Guilt and Shame.) To be able to Feel the Ground Beneath Your Feet Once You Sweep up the Glass and Mend Your Poor Toes. You Surely wish the Same For those You Cherish Too. I Believe that Actually Role Modeling the Life we wish for others Speaks Volumes above Pleading Coaxing (often times unintentionally hypocritical) Lip Service. Much Love and *Calmness as you Progress
I don't know and I'm a new viewer of jerry. But he mentioned this program "being a hybrid of a book"* that was very helpful to me about a "assertive rights* called 'When I Say No, I Feel Guilty'. I'm 10 minutes through this and I like what he's adding to it. Or, I mean making his OWN with the influence . *Jerry comes right out and says this at the beginning, and this is certainly not a repackaging but in addition!
The thing is, you're going to lose a lot of friends if when they ask you why about something, you tell them you don't have to tell them why. That doesn't go over too well.
Certainly there are times when we are with someone who respects us, has some self-differentiation with us, and accepts us, then of course we can give reasons or tell them why. If I lost a lot of friends who cannot accept my adult reasonable choices then are we really friends?
I cancelled a lunch at my place the other day and didn't provide the reason. I felt anxious, but then very much reassured when the person replied my message with a friendly "of course". I realize now this is the kind of friend I want in my life.
Jerry, Thank you. I'm going to re-join your channel - I was a member but changed banks and have yet to enter the new info for a renewed membership. You are such a blessing and I am so deeply grateful for your influence in my life. :)
For the same reason, i ask the American Christian Church “leadership”, “HOW DO YOU MEASURE WHETHER SOMEONE’S “WALK IN THE SPIRIT” BY THE GRACE OF GOD, (in a “sound doctrine” church) IS HERETICAL, OR UNACCEPTABLE??” ONLY BEHAVIOR CAN BE MEASURED, and only God can see into the “heart” or know the “motives” of a member in the Body of Christ, that is why Jesus told us “to judge a tree by its fruit…whether it is good or whether it is bad”…because fruit is material evidence that can be witnessed, and thus “measured” by a previous standard given. Remember Samuel telling David’s father, how “human nature usually “judges” something: “Man judges the outer appearance, but God judges the heart”. Or we are reminded, “Don’t judge a book by its cover”, and other similar quotes. So, to the church, i hope i have made my point clear. Jesus said, “make a RIGHTEOUS JUDGEMENT…” and THIS WAS WHAT HE WAS GETTING TO. IN AN AMERICAN COURT OF LAW, EVIDENCE IS/SHOULD BE REQUIRED…EVIDENCE THAT CAN NOT BE REFUTED BY ANYONE…Paul also said to be sure to do what was RIGHT in the “sight of everyone”. So please take time to Know Christ and His attitude about this is issue. John 5:39
Thank you so much for all the hard work you guys put in to this videos, you guys saved my life many many times. If you guys have a chance would you put a videos together dynamics of healthy marriage with toxic in laws. Specially how a husband should lead and protect wife from toxic family.After wife did gray rocking for 10 years and then 6 years of no contact but in laws still manipulating husband. Thank you
Never talk to insurance! They record all calls! Always sue the other party's insurance. The Accident attorney will take care of everything. You wouldn't be suing the driver, you'd be suing her insurance. Auto Insurance policies that cover rentals are for the driver . You should have your own Rental coverage. It's not up to you to determine fault, that's what court is for. Even if you think she should have not run the red light, you could've also prevented the accident by noticing an oncoming car running a red light. I've watched all three videos in this series and it's difficult to decipher what the 15 rights are since they're not chaptered.
Assertiveness right no.2 “you have the right to offer no explanation or excuses for your behaviour or choices”. Okay sounds good but does this apply to people who violate others’ boundaries such as those who assault or murder people. I guess in a court of law they have the right to remain silent - I’d really like your answer to this.
Jerry please please please can you do a video about setting boundaries around adult children and gaming addiction, I find this so confusing. Is limiting internet controlling or setting a boundary for example? I think it’s a big problem ❤️
This all confuses me....it feels like it gives people an excuse to hurt people and it's ok cause "only you can judge yourself for your mistakes". If my abuser saw this he would love it.
You can not make Laws about something that can NOT be measured or evidenced with hard material. Thoughts, and emotions are of such. But we DO have Laws that protect us, under the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution “in its original intent” from BEHAVIORS that our representatives in our CONGRESSIONAL LEGISLATURE set up “boundaries/limitations” for TO KEEP OUR CULTURE SAFE, AND “FLOWING” WITH VOLUNTARY COOPERATION COMING FROM INDIVIDUAL CHOICES TO BE INVOLVED IN THE PERSONAL INTEREST OF THE LEGAL CITIZENS. BEHAVIOR can be “measured” by the fact that you can see it , or as God calls for, and our Founding Fathers agreed with, having one or more “witnesses”, particularly in a “court of Law”, which protects the accused, and the accuser. (District Attorney and the Defence Attorney, for instance). Be very careful to Know and teach how we must also Honor the Rights of others, even as we Honor our own “individual Rights” OUR Form of Gov’t makes provision for all rights in our country, America. That is WHY it is called a REPUBLIC, and NOT a DEMOCRACY. I am sorry if you have an “allergic reaction” to the word, “REPUBLIC”, but this word has nothing to do with the current understanding of “being a Republican”. A REPUBLIC, (please read Eric Metaxas’ book called, “a Republic,Madam, If You Can Keep It”) is a REPRESENTATIVE GOVERNING BODY, With “limited powers”, and it must have peoples who want to share the responsibility of HELPING it WORK< with VOTING, primarily, but there’s many other ways you can be helpful and participate as well, to make sure that the “checks and balances, in the system, stay respected, in place, and observed by all, especially those you voted to “represent” you in an “elected office”. The freedoms we have must take a committed effort by everyone, for it to be “fair and just” for all. The “electoral college”, (NOT A SCHOOL) IS VITAL TO THIS EFFORT. HOLD ON TO IT!! Jerry, when you are talking psychology, these things must be considered thoroughly, and with clarity, for the sake of our American responsibilities AND freedoms, (privileges), for all the people. If one person is “unfairly” denied a 1st Amendment right, for instance, the fact of the matter is, that YOU COULD EASILY BE NEXT. NOBODY WANTS THAT. Believe me, NO BODY WANTS THAT.
If you hurt someone you will be judged. In worst case go to jail. You are talking about having another opinion or doing something better than follow toxic people?
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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I now kinda understand why teenagers have a “phase” with their parents, and I’m not referring to the hormonal changes. It is the proper phase when they get to say “No” and define their boundaries.
I mean as a 29 year old who was brought up to be the yes and good child, I’ve never went through the proper teenage years of opposition, and I’m starting to feel like an angsty teenager having to set boundaries I’ve never been able to before, call it slow growth, I’m glad I’m redefining my boundaries nonetheless…I find my mother crashing into my room during sleep very invasive, and she still uses “I’m your mother card”. I had to tell her the hard way, hey I’m nearly 30 and I have the right to my privacy (space and time).
Good realization regarding teenagers “phase”. Also saying yes defines our boundaries, or lack of them..
Same, i went through that phase at 26
At nearly 30 you shouldn't be living at your mother's
My cousin so offended when I assert myself. She was trying to find an adverb, in anger, to describe me. I said, assertive!
She hates it.
It's funny how some of these family people love it when others are assertive, yet do not give certain scapegoats like myself that permission without it being world war III to them being declared or something
oh that's funny. I have a cousin who's always been outwardly more confident but internally we've both had similar levels of insecurity (I think). As the decades have gone on though, I've changed, gained more self-worth, so the more natural less forceful level of confidence I do emanate now offends her, she *hates* that i'm not nervous hesitant and insecure any more. She ices me now.
@Dawn Green emotional manipulation, character assassination instead of the issue at hand.
It is what it is.
I just listened to all three videos. Can you believe that at 45 years old, I didn't know I had these rights? I was raised by a malignant vulnerable narcissistic father. I was raised to do whatever he said and to never say or do anything that would upset him because that is disrespectful and I deserve his physical, verbal and emotional abuse because it's my fault that he's angry. Until last year, I have lived a misused life and made many bad choices because I felt I was worthless and disgusting. That's what my dad told me my whole life.These videos help me so much in my reparenting journey.
I understand these are adult rights, but can a child do anything legally to stop abuse like this? Or do they have to tolerate it (if they don't kill themselves first) and hopefully as an adult realize the behaviors and toxic teachings were wrong and maybe do the work to repair their damaged souls? I also wonder if teaching children about verbal and emotional abuse could be added to elementary sqchool curriculum. I remember my 5th grade teacher teaching us about sexual abuse as part of the curriculum in Tennessee. In my opinion, verbal and emotional abuse is just as damaging, to the victim and to society by creating another disregulated person for everyone deal with.
Thank you for the videos and keep them coming!
It can definitely help to teach this to kids, but also it’s mostly important to remember that kids will absorb their emotional experience (actions speak louder than words). If we focus on our own self differentiation work, hopefully they will absorb a healthier & more mature emotional experience.
I’m happy you found the video helpful!
I also would like to see emotional education mandated. If people are taught boundaries, sphere of control/influence, emotional safety from a young age, abuse will be easier to spot and harder to continue.
I don’t know about legal rights aside from emancipation (a child has to be able to take care of themselves like an adult in order to do this). But in my preteen years /early teenage years I mentally disowned my parents. Honestly, it was transformative. I would go in my room and lock my door, spend time on healthy things that made me happy- homework, books, music. I started making my own school lunches and only interacted as a family at dinner time. I kept things congenial and surface level whenever I would talk to my parents. I went to my mentors and trusted peers for advice instead.
9 am India.. listening 🎧 to the pearls of wisdom
Jerry you are a much needed Upgrade in my life.. 🙏
God bless you tanya, lets do this.
@@paxchristi1661 😻
Lord Bless Dr J WISE
Felt I needed to point this out... "whys" are not a means of resistance for nuerodivergent folks. It is wanting to deeply understand. We like to know how things work... including your thoughts and feelings. Saying this in general about people asking you questions when you they ask for further explanation. You are speaking of narcissists reasoning only.
I really needed this! Yesterday I was thinking about how I've been going through some changes recently and kind of lost my knowledge of what is my right and what isn't! I've been putting boundaries but people haven't been taking them well (as always). This led me to doubt my right of putting boundaries, which hadn't happened to me in months!! I guess that's what happens when you're stressed lol. Anyways today I woke up to this video and it feels just right for this particular moment of my life! Thanks Jerry
I lost myself too and I'm getting him back. Glad to hear that I'm not the only one who has to deal with this as part of the recovery of the mistreatment and all
Very helpful. I’m learning my right to change my mind. It doesn’t mean I’m unstable, dishonest, unkind, or wishy washy. I can be very stable, honest, kind, and purposeful in changing my mind. I own my right. Now, getting to the part of not having to explain myself is the next step.
Beautiful companion piece to Patrick Teahan's Children's Bill of Rights!
Thank you for watching.
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I'm going to check that out, thanks
@@moirosalina Just set up to donate to Jerry monthly via PayPal! 🤑🥳
*Attn: Victims of financial abuse - I mark Jerry as [Safe]*
Children's Bill of Rights is like $25?
Some of these points are so hard to put into action, but so empowering when done. I own this book and love it! Thank you for succinctly summarizing these rights!
11:30 "I think it's best not to give the reasons at THIS point (of finally deciding that you're done with the marriage... Or whatever else too, after too much not changing from the transgressive partner!)." I've learned that it's an exercise in futility at that point. It kept me on the SWEET/MEAN CYCLE Merry-Go-Round for a little too long with friends and lovers and family members too that were no longer good for me
It seems my default is to do find solutions for other peoples problems. I need to unlearn this.
So insightful, Penny. It is always my default too. Makes for much anxiety.
Thank you for this topic. I was looking for this for my own personal growth
Thank you. The first one was a shocking revelation.
Jerry, I really like you. But you really challenge my thinking. It's a wonderful thing!! You are like a coach, who loves people too much to let them stay in stinking thinking. Thanks for your beautiful tough love. May we all have the courage to keep listening.
I appreciate that!
Thank you for watching.
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4:34
Maybe soon, i will pour my heart in a comment...
A big heartfelt thank to you Jerry. I am truly grateful for you. Nobody talk about this rights in my life. I felt enlightened and educated on this important facts. Have a great day too, Jerry and I certainly will look forward for the next part.❤️
Thank you for watching.
Any donation would help in making these videos.
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Thank you so much for this!!! There is a lot of clarity and wisdom in your teaching, and this one was excellent!
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you for watching.
Any donation would help in making these videos.
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Thanks a lot Jerry you've helped me so much! I always watch your videos when I'm having trouble with my family.
You are so welcome
Thank you for watching.
Any donation would help in making these videos.
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
I've been listening along, all three videos on this, and it just occurred to me that these are normal rights. That is, these are not even questions, in a normal family. Very strange.
Wow, I related very hard to those non-assertive rights. I feel like I have especially latched onto the 'don't upset anyone', and then rolled with it turning it into 'you might upset others and thats really bad so don't tell anyone what you're doing if you think it will upset them', which then turns into 'i am upsetting everyone by not telling them but continuing to do the upsetting thing behind their backs'. Oh I don't like who I'm seeing in the mirror these days :(
Can you accept who you see in the mirror these days? Accepting does not mean liking. Accepting can be the first step of seeing reality as it is and therefore freeing you to do something about it (if you want to do something about it). Not “looking in the mirror” also means not allowing yourself to do something about it❤️
This is an exceptional video. Thank you😊
Party On, Loves. Let's be grateful for these challenges.
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Omg what fantastic timing; I needed a reminder to a recent situation...
You’re the best! You always have videos on things I need help on, at the perfect timing
Great observations and advice. Thank you.
Thank you jerry, I saw you on dr carter channel and then subscribed to your channel, it's very helpful✌
Awesome, thank you so much!
@@jerrywise ☺️👍
5:59 I am self defined
I really appreciate and adore you Dr.Wise. You have added so much wisdom to my journey as well as confirmation!
Thank you for your kind words.
1:30 "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" your presentation is going to be a "hybrid" of? I haven't read that book in decades, but was very helpful back then and I like your videos so I can't wait to see the rest of this presentation here
Wow you articulated aspects of relationships and accountability I have not thought of. Super informative, empowering and helpful! Especially for those of us that come from dysfunctional families and did not have good teachers to develop healthy social skills and boudaries have had to learn those from trial and error with other people as adults! Now, in my late 30's I am just realizing why I have felt like I ruin all my relationships. It is not my fault and we are trying to learn as we navigate relationships as adults. Many people do not know how to be accountable for their words and actions and if you bring it up or change your mind or the dynamic of the relationship, they can not handle it because they also do not have healthy interpersonal skills and depend on others for happiness and self validation. No one likes to be criticized and can take offense. Also the need to explain to be heard and list reasons can make things more difficult, so the skill is in articulating these things. Even though I value honesty I have a new appreciation for the white lie instead of telling them reasons and needed my feelings to be explained or validated, I can say, that doesn't work for me, or I am busy instead of making it personal and dramatic. Thank you Jerry!
deep insight, resonate, much appreciated Jerry.
You’re the best! You always have videos on things I need help on, at the perfect timing
This was so good, watched it twice.
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You’re the best! You always have videos on things I need help on, at the perfect timing 🙏🏻
I feel like these issues about judgment from others comes up a lot at work for me when something goes wrong that I’ve been working on. I used to be sent into a spiral but I’m making progress now, when something doesn’t go right I think back to what I did and remind myself that I did the best I could and that’s all I could do. Then reassess what to do next time with the new information I have. I still get influenced by others judgements but I am getting quicker at removing myself from those spirals!
Thank you ❤️🙏
Welcome!
Thank you Jerry very helpful, to learn and put into practice.
Thank you so much Jerry really helpful 🙏
Very grateful to you for doing this . Very clear and very useful.
Glad it was helpful!
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Thank you for the guidance.
Great content!! I needed this :)
I agree with some of these points very much, but to never explain the reasons to people can be hurtful and unnecessary I think. For example, just saying to the Grandparents the new Christmas plans you are going to be doing with your children can be very hurtful to them, without offering a different idea. For example, why not just offer a different time to get together, like Christmas Eve, or the day after Christmas. Unless you feel that the person is just going to constantly argue with your need, giving no explanation can be unkind in my opinion. Just cutting out of people all the time with no explanation might not be great for relationships for the long run. This sense of family might be really important for the Grandparents - they are family too! So unless they are being abusive or overbearing, I think some compromise is nice.
But I agree that we don’t need to answer for everything - especially if people are just going to argue with us.
Also, if it’s a really important event, like a wedding, and your best man just up and says, “I can’t come” with no explanation, that is hurtful! Potentially devastating to a person. I think it’s unrealistic and unkind to offer nothing more. Unless the best man is trying to make a statement about his friendship with you, in which case maybe you need to reevaluate the friendship!
I think being autonomous is wonderful. I love the idea of not having other people define or control how we think and feel. However, I do think that some explanations at times are important. If a person is just going to argue with you nonstop, then no, you don’t have to. But pulling out of major events with really important people in your life should warrant some compromise or discussion?
Also, regarding the divorce statement, I think that divorce is often really devastating to families so people should really try their best to make things work. Maybe separation for a period is better than all-out divorcing, unless serious abuse is occurring!! 🙏
I think if the parents are respectful of boundaries, they will not need a why, they will understand. They will not be hurt. If you just offer a different time together you are focusing on their feelings. (it does seem polite though, but doormats are too polite hence they are doormats) As a people pleasing co-dependent, I always consider other's opinions and feelings before mine. It's very hard to recognize and stand up for my needs, wants, feelings. I get spun around every time. I think Jerry is offering support for those lost in other's feelings.
@@christinerobertson9596 Hi, thanks for your response! I completely understand where you are coming from, as I, too, all too often get caught up in pleasing others and worrying about offending others constantly. However, I do still feel that explanations to some extent can help another person’s heart. The grandparents might be heartbroken without an explanation or an alternative day for a visit. I think every circumstance is different and every family is different. Even if they are nice, understanding parents, they have feelings too and I think offering an explanation or alternative is polite. Just saying “No” to people without an explanation can seem a bit much from my perspective. I am working on setting boundaries as well, but if we are dealing with kind and reasonable people, an explanation to some extent I think is polite! And a different alternative is nice too if they are important people in our lives! If we are rundown and just can’t do it, I think that’s understandable. But if it’s an important relationship, maybe celebrating Christmas the following weekend with them is an idea? We don’t have to crush ourselves, but I’m sure there’s a way to work it out that feels pretty good to all people involved?
@@JesusSaves77799 I see your point. I guess in my experience, I have one narcissistic parent who selfishly manipulates me to suit her needs. So I'm really listening to the permission to be a little more selfish myself. Believe me, i am the family doormat who always gets mowed over and left out to the last moment. But if the people are respectful and kind, they deserve like treatment.
@@christinerobertson9596 Yes, I totally understand where you are coming from! I had a close friend whom I also felt has become very Narcissistic over the past 15 years or so. She would always wait weeks or months to respond to me, and wasn’t often honest, and I felt like everything was on her terms for the last 15 years. She would always come in gaslighting and love-bombing me at the last minute, and I would fall for it every time and then be left feeling miserable! And I just went along with everything. If she called, I would jump. I always would give an explanation for everything (even if she didn’t do the same for me as many of her explanations were not truthful). I am just now learning how to defend myself from these situations. But as you said too, if people are respectful and nice, I think they deserve the same in return and love and closeness going back and forth! 🙏💖
By the way, I am very sorry about your situation with your mom. I know that can feel devastating. Maybe you can try practicing boundaries one step at a time? And then when you look back you can see how far you have come!! Just a thought! I’m not an expert in the matter at all!
P.s. Do you ever struggle with guilt for setting boundaries? That is something that I am really working on! Learning how not to feel guilty.
@@JesusSaves77799 Oh yes. My mother is a very destructive, manipulative narcissist. She will take over my roles as mother and wife if I give her the least little opening. I try to be nice and caring, then before I know it she's overstepping with my husband and my kids. I am to where I can't say much. Yes it does leave me feeling a bit bad, but finally I realize my sanity depends on it. She's very abusive to me.
Awesome presentation, looking forward to the next part.
Glad you enjoyed it
Love this series, thanks!
Glad to hear it!
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I think, with a gd job, that I like, that is also well retributed and stable, I'll be more assertive, I'll have more independency and decision making and will also find more solutions. But I cannot wait much longer for this job to come
Thank you Jerry. Very helpful information.
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Can't wait for the next part, this is so helpful!
Working on it now, I hope to post it Friday
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Just subscribed.
Your videos are very uplifting and helpful.
Hello from Denmark ✌🏼
Thanks and welcome
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Nice video Spaceman
StarKilla Sounds
Maybe I should have you do some music for a 10 minute meditation video for me
@@jerrywise Would love too. Have been trying to add a link to my Soundcloud in the comment but TH-cam kerps removing my comments 😳
@@jerrywise I'm here if you need a composer for your content/work: th-cam.com/users/shortsIZNCvTvnCVk?feature=share
U r AMAZING Jerry🙏🕊💓🙌🙌
Thank you, Jerry Wise. I get wiser after listening to your videos. Have a wonderful weekend and blessings to you and yours 🙏🎉
You are so welcome
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7:28
Do you have any material on narcissistic pastors? I went from drunken narcissist parents to a controlling fundamentalist leader. Who treated me no differently
"NUMBER 3: You have the right to decide whether you're responsible for finding solutions to other people's problems or not." Had an ex recently try to Hoover me last night or the last week and I confirmed her on the fact that she was doing the passive aggressive talking out of the side of her mouth thing when I was actually saying nothing that deserved it at all. she hung up said I have to go get a soda at the store in the middle of the night. Did you call me back this is hi and I said I would not accept that sort of interaction and that was my line in the sand.. she hung up. now it's her problem and the plans she wanted to do tonight.. as Glenn Frey used to sing in Already Gone, "Now you can go eat your lunch all by yourself!".
This helps me stick to the new line drawn in the sand that I announced to her after a few days of friendliness. I'm not tolerating what I went to the last time and now I'm not responsible for HER problem.
All I wanted was the old exchange of mutual respect we used to have but by making this line, I found that there was lots of trouble down the line. I hope I'm not stretching the definition of number three here, but it literally works for me! No contact and quietly walking away without announcement now after a Hoover attempt has been rebuffed. Because if I'm to accept it otherwise, I'm accepting her basically laughing at a boundary of mine that she refused to acknowledge
Really enjoyed this Jerry.
Curtis, thanks for watching, I hope my viewers will watch your videos on youtube
Thanks jerry 😊
Very welcome
Hi Jerry, if you'd put this in a book I'd buy it.
Hello Jerry, Thank you for this series. Is there a written format of the assertive right?
When I was First Learning to Reprogram my own Dysfunctional Systems Programming I would Watch these Informative Videos while Taking Notes in my Journal Either Slowing Down the Speed or pausing Periodically and Adding My own Personal Thoughts at that time.
It Helped Alot in the Reprogramming Process & when I find Myself Feeling Stuck or Driven toward Old Habits I can reference them When my Limbic system goes on the fritz.
Also Gave me Places To Explore with my own Trauma Specialist.
Here's Hoping this Can Help You and Others too.
Much *Authentic Peace ✌
@@fairygurl9269 your right, listing and writing down can be straining but can help in reprogramming. God bless, peace.
@@paxchristi1661 Yes Sometimes Medical Treatments Can Feel oh So Dauntingly Uncomfortable....
Much Less Discomfort than Just Barely Surviving Each Day in *FOGS (Fear Obligation Guilt and Shame.)
To be able to Feel the Ground Beneath Your Feet Once You Sweep up the Glass and Mend Your Poor Toes.
You Surely wish the Same For those You Cherish Too.
I Believe that Actually Role Modeling the Life we wish for others Speaks Volumes above Pleading Coaxing (often times unintentionally hypocritical) Lip Service.
Much Love and *Calmness as you Progress
I don't know and I'm a new viewer of jerry. But he mentioned this program "being a hybrid of a book"* that was very helpful to me about a "assertive rights* called 'When I Say No, I Feel Guilty'. I'm 10 minutes through this and I like what he's adding to it. Or, I mean making his OWN with the influence
.
*Jerry comes right out and says this at the beginning, and this is certainly not a repackaging but in addition!
@@AZDC99 I just added that book to my list, thank you. God bless.
Thank you for this content! Very helpful and relevent!
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Wow truly needed this 🙏🙏🙏
Thanks Jerry, once again a fabulous video!
Glad you enjoyed it
Good points to remember.
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The thing is, you're going to lose a lot of friends if when they ask you why about something, you tell them you don't have to tell them why. That doesn't go over too well.
Certainly there are times when we are with someone who respects us, has some self-differentiation with us, and accepts us, then of course we can give reasons or tell them why. If I lost a lot of friends who cannot accept my adult reasonable choices then are we really friends?
I cancelled a lunch at my place the other day and didn't provide the reason. I felt anxious, but then very much reassured when the person replied my message with a friendly "of course". I realize now this is the kind of friend I want in my life.
6:31 W.O.W.
18:00 Also wow.
❤️
You are so brilliant thank you 💕
Wow, thank you!
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Jerry, Thank you. I'm going to re-join your channel - I was a member but changed banks and have yet to enter the new info for a renewed membership. You are such a blessing and I am so deeply grateful for your influence in my life. :)
Awesome, thank you!
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Thanks Jerry ☺️
You are very welcome
Thank you for watching.
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Great video's 😊
Mind blowing revelations! 🤯 Blessings ☮️🌈🙏🏾
I’m glad you found it helpful. Blessings to you too
For the same reason, i ask the American Christian Church “leadership”, “HOW DO YOU MEASURE WHETHER SOMEONE’S “WALK IN THE SPIRIT” BY THE GRACE OF GOD, (in a “sound doctrine” church) IS HERETICAL, OR UNACCEPTABLE??” ONLY BEHAVIOR CAN BE MEASURED, and only God can see into the “heart” or know the “motives” of a member in the Body of Christ, that is why Jesus told us “to judge a tree by its fruit…whether it is good or whether it is bad”…because fruit is material evidence that can be witnessed, and thus “measured” by a previous standard given. Remember Samuel telling David’s father, how “human nature usually “judges” something: “Man judges the outer appearance, but God judges the heart”. Or we are reminded, “Don’t judge a book by its cover”, and other similar quotes. So, to the church, i hope i have made my point clear. Jesus said, “make a RIGHTEOUS JUDGEMENT…” and THIS WAS WHAT HE WAS GETTING TO. IN AN AMERICAN COURT OF LAW, EVIDENCE IS/SHOULD BE REQUIRED…EVIDENCE THAT CAN NOT BE REFUTED BY ANYONE…Paul also said to be sure to do what was RIGHT in the “sight of everyone”. So please take time to Know Christ and His attitude about this is issue. John 5:39
Thank you.
I need a brain surgery to understand these. Now I understand the depth of damages Narc created in my life .
👍 Thank You For Paying Forward Your Expieriences with Us.
Much Love to You, and All that Support Your Efforts as Well.✌🧚♀️💕
Thank you so much for all the hard work you guys put in to this videos, you guys saved my life many many times. If you guys have a chance would you put a videos together dynamics of healthy marriage with toxic in laws. Specially how a husband should lead and protect wife from toxic family.After wife did gray rocking for 10 years and then 6 years of no contact but in laws still manipulating husband. Thank you
This is great! Exactly what I needed. These are great points that I can address with my therapist soon. I look forward to parts 2&3. Thanks! 😀
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Thank you 🙏
You’re welcome 🤍😊
Is Part 3 available?
Just uploaded😊
Just posted it
@@jerrywise Thanks! :-)
Cool intro nowadays. Cheers.
Hey, thanks
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Never talk to insurance! They record all calls! Always sue the other party's insurance. The Accident attorney will take care of everything. You wouldn't be suing the driver, you'd be suing her insurance. Auto Insurance policies that cover rentals are for the driver . You should have your own Rental coverage. It's not up to you to determine fault, that's what court is for. Even if you think she should have not run the red light, you could've also prevented the accident by noticing an oncoming car running a red light. I've watched all three videos in this series and it's difficult to decipher what the 15 rights are since they're not chaptered.
Assertiveness right no.2 “you have the right to offer no explanation or excuses for your behaviour or choices”. Okay sounds good but does this apply to people who violate others’ boundaries such as those who assault or murder people. I guess in a court of law they have the right to remain silent - I’d really like your answer to this.
I think there’s a line to your “choices”, obviously as long as you don’t violate other people’s physical boundaries you are free as a bird.
Jerry please please please can you do a video about setting boundaries around adult children and gaming addiction, I find this so confusing. Is limiting internet controlling or setting a boundary for example? I think it’s a big problem ❤️
Healthy boundaries vs control is the bigger topic. You might find this video helpful- healthy boundaries: th-cam.com/video/EgKqupZyC2U/w-d-xo.html
Not giving any reason at all could be taken as rudeness as well- it started WW3 in my family!
What if new info change your opinion on something or someone?
Before I decide to Judge you Jerry…. Was it Chapter 7 or 11?
I hope you get the joke and it brings a smile to you 😁
LOL
There no rights in Indian culture 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
If you have none, you can make one🙏💪♥️
Don't believe the lie or the hype.
🎯
This all confuses me....it feels like it gives people an excuse to hurt people and it's ok cause "only you can judge yourself for your mistakes". If my abuser saw this he would love it.
I think he means to a proper degree, without violating physical or mental or emotional boundaries of someone else.
Hig
You can not make Laws about something that can NOT be measured or evidenced with hard material. Thoughts, and emotions are of such. But we DO have Laws that protect us, under the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution “in its original intent” from BEHAVIORS that our representatives in our CONGRESSIONAL LEGISLATURE set up “boundaries/limitations” for TO KEEP OUR CULTURE SAFE, AND “FLOWING” WITH VOLUNTARY COOPERATION COMING FROM INDIVIDUAL CHOICES TO BE INVOLVED IN THE PERSONAL INTEREST OF THE LEGAL CITIZENS. BEHAVIOR can be “measured” by the fact that you can see it , or as God calls for, and our Founding Fathers agreed with, having one or more “witnesses”, particularly in a “court of Law”, which protects the accused, and the accuser. (District Attorney and the Defence Attorney, for instance). Be very careful to Know and teach how we must also Honor the Rights of others, even as we Honor our own “individual Rights” OUR Form of Gov’t makes provision for all rights in our country, America. That is WHY it is called a REPUBLIC, and NOT a DEMOCRACY. I am sorry if you have an “allergic reaction” to the word, “REPUBLIC”, but this word has nothing to do with the current understanding of “being a Republican”. A REPUBLIC, (please read Eric Metaxas’ book called, “a Republic,Madam, If You Can Keep It”) is a REPRESENTATIVE GOVERNING BODY, With “limited powers”, and it must have peoples who want to share the responsibility of HELPING it WORK< with VOTING, primarily, but there’s many other ways you can be helpful and participate as well, to make sure that the “checks and balances, in the system, stay respected, in place, and observed by all, especially those you voted to “represent” you in an “elected office”. The freedoms we have must take a committed effort by everyone, for it to be “fair and just” for all. The “electoral college”, (NOT A SCHOOL) IS VITAL TO THIS EFFORT. HOLD ON TO IT!! Jerry, when you are talking psychology, these things must be considered thoroughly, and with clarity, for the sake of our American responsibilities AND freedoms, (privileges), for all the people. If one person is “unfairly” denied a 1st Amendment right, for instance, the fact of the matter is, that YOU COULD EASILY BE NEXT. NOBODY WANTS THAT. Believe me, NO BODY WANTS THAT.
If you hurt someone you will be judged. In worst case go to jail. You are talking about having another opinion or doing something better than follow toxic people?