Heavens reward fallacy! Never heard of that but it is certainly something I struggle with. I was raised in an extremely evangelical Christian household. Thank you for giving me new information to help my perspective.
Another interpretation of that is called Calvinism, the idea is that there's only so many seats in heaven, and everybody can't go. Therefore, only the best people are allowed into heaven, and good fortune on Earth is how you know you're behaving in line with God's expectation. If a person believes this, even one mistake excludes them from heaven.
💡 One last overarching massively world changing insight I'd like to share along with all my other spectacular comments. .... Here it is. I kept tripping over my own feet at work. I got really worried and thought I was having a stroke or something. Then realized my new shoes were a .5 bigger, than my old shoes 👟. So I wore my old shoes to work a couple of days.... No problem. I put on my new shoes forgot all about the problem and while listening to this bang I tripped. Eureka it's the .5 difference in my shoe size. Gas lighting buggers didn't get me that time. 😊
Hello. I've watched the first 8 minutes. I felt like it's somewhat relevant, but perhaps it's just related to the fear that if I'm too positive, my parents will think I'm naive and pathetic. But mostly, I dunno if this applies to me. Good luck to everyone who wants to do more work here.
We’re seen as weak, then attacked or ignored because they don’t know how to deal or process it within themselves. Keep moving forward and seek what makes you feel like your true self.
Please watch dr ramani !! I watch her videos to understand narcissism and com here to work on myself 🧸💕 I hope you can find her stuff because it is a horrific thing to go through🥲
I was wondering why I've just frozen ... We've just moved onto our houseboat, four teens, two untrained dogs in tow. New transition. I feel exhausted although I'm not doing much, aches n pains all over n the dreaded negativity. Thanks for putting it into perspective, Tim
Everyone feels less than who they are. The question is, can you overcome feelings of inadequacy by changing who you surround yourself with? 🤔 Yes you can. 💪🏼😊🙏🏼
Thank you for making sense of this mindset. I related to the mention of the person waking up in the morning and just looking for something to feel negative about and set them off. This was my mother. My dad described it as our mother "being on the war path." She would emotionally abuse or physically beat the child that was her target that day. Us children lived in terror of setting her off, for no logical reason, and becoming the target of her abuse. She took pleasure in releasing her wrath upon us and never apologized. My dad was too weak to protect us. Perhaps he lived in fear too. I never made the connection that she was using this pattern of behavior as a valve to release her deep anger that had built up inside her. No wonder why she appeared to feel better afterwards.
So grateful for this video. I have come to take responsibility for this neg thinking pattern over the years. Tracking the details and triggers in a systematic way has been nearly impossible. One beam of recent awareness i recently became conscious of--but doubted--was the fear of everything going well and being joyous. I think my misunderstanding of God and man's Will confused me as a child, so i succumbed to a bekief that im not supposed to be happy. You nailed it when you mentioned the spiritual belief that life is supposed to be bad. This has been a deep unconscious pattern that may be the M.O. of all of my neg thinking. I appreciate your pptx outlines. It helps me to look at this in an organized way. Im excited to see i am on the right path to correcting these problems. Thank you again, Tim!❤
Translation: If they get to know the real you, they won't want you. They only want you as long as you keep pleasing them. Once they find out youre actuall a human who is sad and has anger and has been traumatized and is afraid of not being loved if youre authentic and being abandoned for being a normal person with flaws and feelings, they will abandon you for being human and having flaws and having feelings and fears and needing them to care about you when youre not taking care of them.
Really appreciate this teaching and information, a lot of it was eye-opening. Especially the fact that this is quite subconscious and we can often not be aware we are slipping into it. I also feel like I simply question things a lot. Like I have a lot of questions. I wonder if that is the negative loop, or if I am genuinely just trying to understand the bigger picture/details.
The "help" portion starts around 44:54 for those who were expecting a video about how to be less negative. I've already watched a few of his other videos about why people are negative and am looking for a long video about how to change, if anyone knows of one. It's gonna take more than 4 min for me 😂.
I dont think he does have much to offer in terms of help. He kimda just says "youre the problem. This is why youre the problem. Now stop being the problem."
I dont think he does have much to offer in terms of help. He kimda just says "youre the problem. This is why youre the problem. Now stop being the problem."
If you relate to this stay away from negative or angry media. It will drag you down. Some personal examples are 2005's BSG or The netflix punisher series. You can catch the feels and it's really not good.
Just what comes to mind based on my experience. 1. Dream about it. Wonder about a life where you are optimistic and happy and at peace and content. 2. Listen about it. Read about it. Read philosophical ideas, bhuddism, taoism, other peoples thoughts on how they live to achieve that state. 3. Radical acceptance. Accept your reality wholeheartedly. Accept that you are being negative. Catch yourself being critical, judging. Be a little harsh on yourself. Its not to say you cant ever be negative, but point out to yourself every single instance where you do. 4. Practice the opposite. Every time you catch yourself being negative, ponder how you can think differently. Do this over and over for every instance, situation. Even retrospectively, think about how you can act differently if you encounter the same situation again. 5. Fail. Try but fail. Try but you dont see a way out. 6. Wait. After stewing and wanting to get out of this negative space you recognize you're in, trying to stop but failing, your desire to change will grow. 7. Let go. Let go of the things that are keeping you in this space. It can be tough, it can be family. It can be what kept you successful. It can be your friends that you always gossip with that will be the bridesmaids at your wedding. It might even bring detriment to your life. Accept that you want to be positive more than anything, and let go of anything that doesnt serve that purpose. 8. Change. You now have a new identity of being a person who wants to be at peace no matter what turbulence you face in life. You want to be loving. You strive for it, even if you make mistakes, because you are human. At the very least, you give YOURSELF love and compassion, and you extend that to others as long as it doesnt compromise your values. 9. Build. Build a new whole completel fulfilling life based on these new set of values that resonate with you. This is a long journey. You lived decades in a negative headspace, being validated by everyone around you. It takes atleast a year, often years, to completely change. And then you need to keep up the effort to maintain it.
Thank you for the information! I feel it is confusing to know when you are crossing from healthy to unhealthy critical? Especially as I wonder if some people (myself included) with certain dispositions and life experiences (including certain life traps) may attract people that are not healthy and therefore continuing the cycle? Because there are times for example we may actively try to not think negatively about a situation but then later are betrayed and realize we were missing some red flags, trying to be positive about a situation.
Tim, what if you just have a bad problem with #7 and #8 on the test, but particularly when you make the mistake and or self sabotage but don’t mean to? What would you call it when you dwell on your mistakes and it just eats at you/your negativity turns inwards?
I noticed the 12 basic emotional needs. If men and women react differently to certain emotions, is there a table to describe the difference, like a car battery 🔋 there is a +/- strength, together it makes the car go ?
Ohh my word the religious teaching on future happiness spot on have experienced this feeling guilty when good things happen to you and you have a problem kind of resentful towards other people's happiness especially those of thw same religious group b you feel like you're being sabotaged why can others be happy and why shouldn't you the inconsistency is crazy but i left the religion and im ok with religion in general they're all according to me destructive 😢they shame and guilt trip their members let alone the fear mongering to keep control over people
Thank you for this video. I listened with an open mind. My question is, where does “plan for the worst, hope for the best” fit into this? I am quite cynical but don’t blame, am not hostile & most of the other stuff. However, I clearly see the hostility/cruelty/abuse of others these days. Seeing that and acting on that knowing protects me from harm. Is that negative, or just realistic? There are genuinely shite people in the world who deserve blame because they are at best selfish and at worst evil, people we need to proactively avoid, so how do we do that without seeing them in a “negative” light?
One piece of wisdom I heard is that even a one celled amoeba will move away from pain. We as intelligent humans need to give ourselves permission to distance ourselves from people who cause pain.
100% However, it has taken me 50 yrs to be able to do this because of the “toxic positivity” that many of us are marinating in. Not just from parenting, but also church, education, the media, and the broader culture. It leaves us vulnerable to a wide variety of vultures. I don’t like being “negative” but have to be to even acknowledge the wide variety of manipulation and evil that abounds around us.
Omy. I just remembered saying…” I’ll be quiet. I’ll be good, just don’t whip me again.”! Fawning became my almost …constant posture.
hug❤
Heal brother heal, although it's not easy. But still try to heal .
As a fawner I’m more critical of myself than anyone else. 😢 I can become untrustworthy towards certain people though, but it takes time.
It takes time because you’re too busy blaming yourself so you don’t see it’s them.
@@lisalambert81865 no. It takes time because I was taught not to trust people or myself
Heavens reward fallacy! Never heard of that but it is certainly something I struggle with. I was raised in an extremely evangelical Christian household. Thank you for giving me new information to help my perspective.
Another interpretation of that is called Calvinism, the idea is that there's only so many seats in heaven, and everybody can't go. Therefore, only the best people are allowed into heaven, and good fortune on Earth is how you know you're behaving in line with God's expectation. If a person believes this, even one mistake excludes them from heaven.
Another friday night banger from the OG!
After listening to Tim Fletcher I am desperately looking for points that don't apply to me. 😅
😂
💡 One last overarching massively world changing insight I'd like to share along with all my other spectacular comments. .... Here it is. I kept tripping over my own feet at work. I got really worried and thought I was having a stroke or something. Then realized my new shoes were a .5 bigger, than my old shoes 👟. So I wore my old shoes to work a couple of days.... No problem. I put on my new shoes forgot all about the problem and while listening to this bang I tripped. Eureka it's the .5 difference in my shoe size. Gas lighting buggers didn't get me that time. 😊
omg this really is me. I really distaste the world and people
I'm so depressed
🙏 💕
💫💛🌼💜🍀💚🌷
Sending tons of hug to you.. I’m in the same shape myself right now🤗🧸
Me too😢
all those negative thoughts I hear those people thinking of me. I got enough actually manifested growing up to solidify an entire beratement.
Hello. I've watched the first 8 minutes. I felt like it's somewhat relevant, but perhaps it's just related to the fear that if I'm too positive, my parents will think I'm naive and pathetic. But mostly, I dunno if this applies to me. Good luck to everyone who wants to do more work here.
We’re seen as weak, then attacked or ignored because they don’t know how to deal or process it within themselves. Keep moving forward and seek what makes you feel like your true self.
Great video. So helpful. Thank you.
I used to pray to god to “please make me a good girl”. Now I realize that was so toxic 😢
Yep , here i am ! 🖤
Can it be that I became like that after a 10-year marriage with a very narcissistic person, a sadistic person? Because I am open and naive even!
Please watch dr ramani !! I watch her videos to understand narcissism and com here to work on myself 🧸💕 I hope you can find her stuff because it is a horrific thing to go through🥲
This is incredibly validating. Thank you so much, as always.
I feel abandoned
I'm a believer of God, so I don't believe we truly are but I can relate to the feeling. I'm sorry
I'm so sorry 💞
We seem to be in a similar space .. you posted being depressed as well.. stay busy with lovely thing around you
I was wondering why I've just frozen ... We've just moved onto our houseboat, four teens, two untrained dogs in tow. New transition. I feel exhausted although I'm not doing much, aches n pains all over n the dreaded negativity. Thanks for putting it into perspective, Tim
Everyone feels less than who they are. The question is, can you overcome feelings of inadequacy by changing who you surround yourself with? 🤔
Yes you can. 💪🏼😊🙏🏼
I agree with you
Thank you for making sense of this mindset. I related to the mention of the person waking up in the morning and just looking for something to feel negative about and set them off. This was my mother. My dad described it as our mother "being on the war path." She would emotionally abuse or physically beat the child that was her target that day. Us children lived in terror of setting her off, for no logical reason, and becoming the target of her abuse. She took pleasure in releasing her wrath upon us and never apologized. My dad was too weak to protect us. Perhaps he lived in fear too. I never made the connection that she was using this pattern of behavior as a valve to release her deep anger that had built up inside her. No wonder why she appeared to feel better afterwards.
So grateful for this video. I have come to take responsibility for this neg thinking pattern over the years. Tracking the details and triggers in a systematic way has been nearly impossible. One beam of recent awareness i recently became conscious of--but doubted--was the fear of everything going well and being joyous. I think my misunderstanding of God and man's Will confused me as a child, so i succumbed to a bekief that im not supposed to be happy. You nailed it when you mentioned the spiritual belief that life is supposed to be bad. This has been a deep unconscious pattern that may be the M.O. of all of my neg thinking.
I appreciate your pptx outlines. It helps me to look at this in an organized way. Im excited to see i am on the right path to correcting these problems. Thank you again, Tim!❤
Thanks!
❤thank you
That's true. Learned about the vagus nerve and that helps as does massage. Thanks for the video❤!!
So Helpful...
Amazing lecture!!
Translation: If they get to know the real you, they won't want you. They only want you as long as you keep pleasing them. Once they find out youre actuall a human who is sad and has anger and has been traumatized and is afraid of not being loved if youre authentic and being abandoned for being a normal person with flaws and feelings, they will abandon you for being human and having flaws and having feelings and fears and needing them to care about you when youre not taking care of them.
I really like your show. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for watching!
Really appreciate this teaching and information, a lot of it was eye-opening. Especially the fact that this is quite subconscious and we can often not be aware we are slipping into it. I also feel like I simply question things a lot. Like I have a lot of questions. I wonder if that is the negative loop, or if I am genuinely just trying to understand the bigger picture/details.
The "help" portion starts around 44:54 for those who were expecting a video about how to be less negative. I've already watched a few of his other videos about why people are negative and am looking for a long video about how to change, if anyone knows of one. It's gonna take more than 4 min for me 😂.
I dont think he does have much to offer in terms of help. He kimda just says "youre the problem. This is why youre the problem. Now stop being the problem."
I dont think he does have much to offer in terms of help. He kimda just says "youre the problem. This is why youre the problem. Now stop being the problem."
@@AputagqeliCaillouetwow you are so negative 🙄.
Woww yes right on!!
Im only 10 minutes in and saying, "Yes! 💯." And its getting worse. How do I stop this? 😢
Excellent Excellent
If you relate to this stay away from negative or angry media. It will drag you down. Some personal examples are 2005's BSG or The netflix punisher series.
You can catch the feels and it's really not good.
My biggest battle
Thank you for explaining all these negative effects but what are the tools to heal? How do you change the negative patterns?
Just what comes to mind based on my experience.
1. Dream about it. Wonder about a life where you are optimistic and happy and at peace and content.
2. Listen about it. Read about it. Read philosophical ideas, bhuddism, taoism, other peoples thoughts on how they live to achieve that state.
3. Radical acceptance. Accept your reality wholeheartedly. Accept that you are being negative. Catch yourself being critical, judging. Be a little harsh on yourself. Its not to say you cant ever be negative, but point out to yourself every single instance where you do.
4. Practice the opposite. Every time you catch yourself being negative, ponder how you can think differently. Do this over and over for every instance, situation. Even retrospectively, think about how you can act differently if you encounter the same situation again.
5. Fail. Try but fail. Try but you dont see a way out.
6. Wait. After stewing and wanting to get out of this negative space you recognize you're in, trying to stop but failing, your desire to change will grow.
7. Let go. Let go of the things that are keeping you in this space. It can be tough, it can be family. It can be what kept you successful. It can be your friends that you always gossip with that will be the bridesmaids at your wedding. It might even bring detriment to your life. Accept that you want to be positive more than anything, and let go of anything that doesnt serve that purpose.
8. Change. You now have a new identity of being a person who wants to be at peace no matter what turbulence you face in life. You want to be loving. You strive for it, even if you make mistakes, because you are human. At the very least, you give YOURSELF love and compassion, and you extend that to others as long as it doesnt compromise your values.
9. Build. Build a new whole completel fulfilling life based on these new set of values that resonate with you.
This is a long journey. You lived decades in a negative headspace, being validated by everyone around you. It takes atleast a year, often years, to completely change. And then you need to keep up the effort to maintain it.
Thank you for the information! I feel it is confusing to know when you are crossing from healthy to unhealthy critical? Especially as I wonder if some people (myself included) with certain dispositions and life experiences (including certain life traps) may attract people that are not healthy and therefore continuing the cycle? Because there are times for example we may actively try to not think negatively about a situation but then later are betrayed and realize we were missing some red flags, trying to be positive about a situation.
It feels like a double world, one way outside and another way inside.
Tim, what if you just have a bad problem with #7 and #8 on the test, but particularly when you make the mistake and or self sabotage but don’t mean to? What would you call it when you dwell on your mistakes and it just eats at you/your negativity turns inwards?
I noticed the 12 basic emotional needs. If men and women react differently to certain emotions, is there a table to describe the difference, like a car battery 🔋 there is a +/- strength, together it makes the car go ?
Romania in a nutshell
Ohh my word the religious teaching on future happiness spot on have experienced this feeling guilty when good things happen to you and you have a problem kind of resentful towards other people's happiness especially those of thw same religious group b you feel like you're being sabotaged why can others be happy and why shouldn't you the inconsistency is crazy but i left the religion and im ok with religion in general they're all according to me destructive 😢they shame and guilt trip their members let alone the fear mongering to keep control over people
So sorry that was your experience.
Thank you for this video. I listened with an open mind. My question is, where does “plan for the worst, hope for the best” fit into this? I am quite cynical but don’t blame, am not hostile & most of the other stuff. However, I clearly see the hostility/cruelty/abuse of others these days. Seeing that and acting on that knowing protects me from harm. Is that negative, or just realistic? There are genuinely shite people in the world who deserve blame because they are at best selfish and at worst evil, people we need to proactively avoid, so how do we do that without seeing them in a “negative” light?
One piece of wisdom I heard is that even a one celled amoeba will move away from pain. We as intelligent humans need to give ourselves permission to distance ourselves from people who cause pain.
100% However, it has taken me 50 yrs to be able to do this because of the “toxic positivity” that many of us are marinating in. Not just from parenting, but also church, education, the media, and the broader culture. It leaves us vulnerable to a wide variety of vultures. I don’t like being “negative” but have to be to even acknowledge the wide variety of manipulation and evil that abounds around us.
Walker Jennifer Johnson Ruth Garcia Joseph
Default of a Megalomaniac. Scorched 🥵 🌎🌍 earth.
Covert narcissist
My father
Nailed it.
Where to find healthy people?😶
I have a Q&A series coming in the next few weeks that talks about how to meet healthy people.
Lopez Brenda Allen Kimberly Thompson Ronald
Wow 😂 .
How to overcome negative thoughts?
Short answer:
fasting & prayer (you will never have them again)
Incorrect
😂 lmao if it was that easy
Perhaps for you. Other people are not like you.