right, even for a lot of people who DO believe they’re in a better place, its hard for them to see it like that while they’re grieving somebody who JUST died.
My friend awoke one morning to discover her husband (only 41) had died very suddenly in his sleep. Her little heart was shattered beyond belief, & I was horrified when a so called friend of hers told her, 'Oh, don't cry', looking off as though she'd rather be anywhere else. I could've strangled her, but was only able to say, 'Hey, you cry, & you talk about him as long as you need to. I'm here'.
"I am sorry for your loss." And I remind, "All your feelings are valid. There are no wrong feelings. Don't beat yourself up for feeling sad, relief, or even your moments of joy. " Also, offering food, being there, and letting them speak (or not discuss) - whichever they need.
"The deeper the pain, the less words you use" --Rick Warren Sometimes, just saying nothing at all and being present with them is the comfort they need, and being a listening ear and a sounding board if they need to talk.
I met a lady at my tattoo shop getting a memorial tattoo for her dad whod recently passed, i told her i was sorry for her loss, and asked if i could be brutally honest, she agreed, i told her that when my dad passed everyone said itll get better in time, youll get past this, but honestly, that made it so much harder, so my brutal honesty was - you will never move past this, it wont ever get better, youll always miss him, but eventually each day stops feeling like wading in quicksand, and it becomes easier to live with the loss, therell be days that gut punch you, but in general it gets easier to live through the loss, but dont wait for it to go away, it wont. She cried and thanked me, she said everyone keeps saying it will and she couldnt ever imagine a day she could move on from losing him, but she can imagine being able to live with it. I think it was the first time someone acknowledged just how much pain she was in
For me when I lost my 44yo uncle to cancer I did say “he’s in a better place now” as he was in terrible pain I was glad he wasn’t suffering my family agreed with me aswell.. he was in so much pain he tried to take his own life. He was put on hospice and I will be forever grateful for those nurses ♥️
When I was a kid growing up, my mom had a best friend. His name was DJ. now after I join the Marine Corps at the age of 18 about a year and a half later, DJ passed away I flew home for his funeral and my mom was just inconsolable. He’d always been there for us when we needed him as a family friend so I gave her a journal and said now while he’s fresh in your mind, write down all the things that you can remember that you guys did that was fun, the times that you were able to call them and talk to them in the middle of the night when you didn’t think anybody else would understand and Tuesday it’s been 30 years she still has that journal on her make up desk and she said sometimes she just pulled it out and read and it makes her feel like he’s still here
Love this idea. I started a notebook of memories to write down about our mom after she passed but my family had completly fallen apart since then and have yet to be able to write any in it. Breaks my heart.
You can still write about her even though it is just for you. Just write one thing, and next time it might be easier. Or maybe you will start and not stop. It doesn't matter, just keep that book and it will be there when you need it. She loves you so much.
As a person with a new disability, i agree 💯. Our culture is quick to "fix" bad things, but its the worse when someone tries to downplay the severity of an issue!! The most "comforting" thing ive heard from a friend was, "Wow, that sucks. I'm sorry you're going through that." And it was the most validating, consoling response
I feel like "they're in a better place" or "they're with the lord" is only appropriate if they are very religious people. If they're super religious, and I mean like SUPER, it might be comforting. But those scenarios are so few and far between that it is better to not use those at all.
When my daughter died uneçpectedly someone actually said to me 'i heard that your daughter croaked'.you are expressing the words that can hurt a grieving person..thank you&hope ppl learn from you..
My sister passed away from an embolism at 16yrs old and my stepdad passed away a few years after. Even though I believe i. God, I absolutely hated hearing “she’s in a better place,” or “it was all part of Gods plan.” “I’m sorry for your loss,” and “How are you doing/feeling?” are the best words for someone who has experienced a loss.
Ugh, yes! When people would tell me my mom was in a better place I always wanted to retort, “yeah, but I’m not!” And when ppl would tell me, “she lives on through you,” I always felt, ‘well…that’s great for everyone else but I’m still lost and miss my mom.’ The most refreshing thing I heard anyone say at my mom’s service was, “I’m so sorry about your mom. It really…$ucks.” I laughed, for the first time in weeks, because it was so blunt, honest, and accurate. It was refreshing.
I lost a friend that I worked with in 2022. He was only 17, three days before his 18th birthday. Very unexpected. He had a stroke and passed 11 days later. Absolutely surreal. I had a therapist at the time pull the, “at least he’s in a better place” line and I was so upset. I told her the next session that I, personally, do not find comfort in that at all. Especially with sudden loss. She got defensive and snapped at me. I never spoke to her again after that session. I do think there is a time for, “at least they’re out of pain” because I lost another friend after a seven year battle with cancer. It was so awful by the end and she was in so much pain all the time. It was heartbreaking to lose her, but I am at peace that she’s not in that pain anymore.
As a therapist myself that supports people through grief, that was the worst possible line your therapist could’ve said. I’m sorry you had that experience with a therapist after already going through a painful experience. When someone dies, there’s no “at least” about it. They’re gone, it sucks that they’re gone, and we need to be able to say that without any kind of platitudes.
I remember while in med school i had to take a class called "Death and Dying". Honestly i didnt expect to learn very much in that class. I thought id be learning about the basic scenarios of death ie: caring for the patient who passed tagging and transporting of the body and/or telling the family and friends the news of the passing, but it was so much more. While taking that course we had to shadow nurses and drs through the whole process and we even had to shadow the body to the funeral home in their preparations to really fully understand the concept of death and dying and all that xomes with it. That course gave me a better appreciation for death
I work as a florist and often meet with folks before a funeral. Sometimes when their grief is so apparent, and they look raw and tired from crying, I lean in and say, "My heart hurts for you, please know that the love you feel for your person is so beautiful that I can feel it now. I'm honored to help create something in their memory," and then I offer a hug and we both cry. 😢
When my son died from SIDS, I had so many “friends” literally cross the street to avoid talking to me. Please just acknowledge the person, even if you don’t know what to say…
I am 30 my mum died 5 years ago. And you are absolut right. When the people said things like that it feels like the Person wasnt important and it hurts its like a slap in the face.
At my husband's funeral a man said to me "Well God said he will never give you more than you can handle, so you will get over it. He was 46 and we had 2 girls. Married 28 years.
When i was 19, a friend’s mother passed away after a brief struggle with cancer. Before this, i had no idea what it means to lose a family member and never been to a funeral in my life. Also no one told me what’s appropriate to say at a funeral. So I consoled my friend with “Hey, you should be glad she is free from all the pain.” The angry stare I got from him was unforgettable. That day I learned to never say anything at a funeral again.
My mom, who was my best friend, died unexpectedly and on her death bed told me I would get over it and forget about her soon enough. I haven’t gone one day without crying in 2 years. I don’t know who she thought she was to be forgotten but clearly she had no idea what a great person she was to think I could ever get over loosing her much less ever forget her. Totally different than what you’re talking about here but brought those memories up when I saw this. My mom was my person. I don’t have kids so it’s hard to
When some people find out that your loved one has died the first thing out of their mouths is, "What'd they die from?". I tell them that "I prefer to talk about how she lived...".
omg that's ridiculously rude, some ppl genuinely have NO shame or tact whatsoever. like I get it, I'm also a very nosy person and want to know how someone died too, but ultimately we're not entitled to know that information and to just come right out and ask when the grieving person has not offered that info in conversation is just really insensitive and selfish. it's literally just to satisfy their own curiosity, they don't need to know how the person died to be able to support you.
You're so right about it being rude and insensitive. To satisfy their morbid curiosity they're willing to cause a grieving person to relive the most painful experience of their life. I lost my adult daughter and shortly after her fiance also passed and while handling business relating to their passing there were people demanding to know "how'd they die?!" @@eggbun1856
I’m not religious but my good friend is and when my 7 year old cousin passed away in a really sad and unexpected way he told me, “well…god had better plans for her.” I told him that his god is evil, if that’s the case
This will definitely come in handy with my pts…. I dislike being in the comfort position because I don’t always know what to say… so I’ll be using this. Thank you for all you do.
my all time favorites are being left on read, the classic “oh”, and “well i lost 2 people in one day so..” (they weren’t close to them and they were distant family)
WHAT?!?! oh my GOD I would be ready to fight if someone tried to one up my loved one dying, who does that?! I cannot BELIEVE some of the responses ppl have gotten in these comments it's so shocking to me the complete lack of empathy and the selfishness, I'm so sorry you were told that, seriously wtf? as if you don't have any right to be upset bc you "only" lost ONE person?
@@Ozziecatsmom that’s so fucked, you’re coworker has something wrong with them… i can’t compare loses but both are some of the hardest you can go through and the fact that she’d say that is disgusting
I always offer that if they ever want to share stories about their person I would love to hear them. Because I know that’s what has really helped me morn and process the loss of a loved one. My friend and I honor the anniversaries and birthdays of those we’ve lost by texting photos to one another. And at the end always thank each other for allowing us to keep their memory alive and relive the happy moments by sharing the photos.
I've dealt with a lot of loss professionally (social services in a nursing home) and personally. I usually say, "Oh sh!t!", grab something to use as a handkerchief, and hug them while they talk and cry.
My personal favorite was “you knew he (my dad) was going to die anyway?!” Wtf? Yeah you’re right that’s so much more comforting. Ty for saying this. The most comforting response was from a woman I didn’t get along with at all EVER. She never said a word, walked up and hugged me saying her mom died when she was 13 and there’s nothing she could say that would make things better. I’ve NEVER forgotten her kindness and honesty.
When my best friend whom is family to me lost her son unexpectedly I let her know that my heart was breaking for her and that if she needed me for anything even just to be an ear for her cry I would be there
It is uncomfortable, and you never really know what a grieving person needs to hear. One thing that can help is asking if they want to share one of their favorite memories about the person who died with you. Just holding space for them and then thanking them for sharing that memory with you.
Thanks. I heard the same things about my 18 year old son. Everyone claims to "know how I feel." I had one mother say that to me at my sons funeral, and i lost it. I snapped and said, "Oh really, your son is in that casket?"
Amazing advices, when my person passed away all I heard was he’s with the lord, and don’t cry, and it was incredibly hard to express myself even though I was quite young at the time, it took me years to process the grief because of that, especially since I had never been confronted to death before, I was the one who washed the body, and it was such a traumatic process for me, it’s absolutely not inherently bad, and you’ve helped me see why, but at the time it was put in front of me in such a miserable manner that it left tremendous marks of my psyche, I’m doing much better nowadays thanks to you and nurse bailey, so thank you for educating us on the proper way to die 🙏❤
With that, its okay for the grieiving person to say these things. My dad passed away in December from Stage IV Lung Cancer and heart disease. Knowing that he's not in pain anymore (especially after seeing the heavy-duty meds he was on) and suffering quietly as he did only makes the pain of losing him a little easier.
"This is so sad. I know how much you'll miss them" . I'm so sorry.. please let me know how to help you.. I'm so very sorry. I'm going to miss them, too.
Hey, I'm currently in my 3rd week of university working towards being an Obstetrician and this is something I want to be able to do well for my patients. I understand that this is more aimed at when you're friends tell you someone they love has died, I still think it's useful to know and some of it could apply to my future career as a doctor/surgeon. Thank you for being so open about this topic and educating the public
My dad died and 100% went home to the Lord. It's incredibly validating to hear that. And yes he is in a better place and not suffering. Going through my throws of grief my only comfort was in those exact words.
Great job because I can't believe the things people said after my Father died and the biggest one is comparing. I didn't care about when they're Father, Mother, child or pet died and how bad they felt. I really just wanted to work. Keep it simple. Let there be a silence for the grieving person to talk IF they want to ❤
Thanks for sharing🙏🏾 I met a woman in a Fb group. One of her sons was shot and he has since transitioned. She said she doesn’t like it when people say, “I’m sorry for your loss”. She said, she knows where her son is. I have learned not to say this either.
When my childhood dog died everyone kept saying “she’s in a better place now”, “she’s not suffering anymore”, “It’s better for her”, she was put down on 1st of Februari of this year
My grandmother passed away and all I heard was “at least she’s not in pain anymore “ or “she’s with the lord” mind you, she was religious but my honest reaction was anger inside and a question in my head saying “how does that make me or the situation better?!”😅 . Obviously, I responded “thank you for your condolences. I was very close and it hurts that she’s passed. Rightnow, I’d like to/Love a (……hug, to not talk about it, coffee, prayers). I thought I was the oversensitive one who felt rubbed the wrong way with the things not to say that you mentioned. It’s really nice to get comfort and confirmation that it’s not just me. I don’t take what anyone said which was “wrong” or off putting to them personally because I understand they’re not great at comfort or just doesn’t know but, thank you. Watching your videos has been a big part in the caring and grieving process of my grandma.
I hate it when people say I’m sorry to *hear* that about anything. It means they’re sorry to hear it bit that it happened. « I’m sorry for your loss » is more about the other person.
I loathe the I’m sorry one more than anything. It’s a bold faced lie because you have nothing to apologize for! I do like the I’m so sad one because yes, in that moment of me telling you it is believable that you are in fact sad about my loved ones death. And admitting you don’t know what to say IS the best option. Coming from someone who’s 5 month old passed from SIDS… I also hate the “lost someone” thing… they aren’t lost, I unfortunately know exactly where they are…
Thank you 💕😊💕 I love all those responses. And yes on all the please don't say. And all your videos on the progress of dying . You helped my with my guilt that I didn't do enough. But if I had a idea before it happened.your videos helped my heart and soul.Than You.❤❤❤❤
When an elderly friend was dying I had many conversations with her husband about faith or better our lack of it. Had someone said anything to him about her death being Gods will, about God needing her more than her family needed her or about God only giving you what you could take it would have turned out very badly for that person.
I guess it depends on the person. I for example like the "the are no longer suffering" sentiment. The "I'm sorry to hear that" that is what we used to say in customer service calls at work and I really don't like it 😭. The "I'm here for you" does sound better because you are offering help that you can actually provide. 🥰
I remember while my class shaowed the workers at the funeral home funeral services are for the living its a way for them to come to terms that person passed away. Death is for the living. I didnt understand it fully till i personally experienced a passing in my family
"At least they're not suffering anymore" and "They're in a better place now" canbe very comforting depending in the situation. Neither comment should be made flippantly or carelessly, of course.
My grandma die two years ago. And when i say it to my friend. EVERYBODY start saying the things like: she is at the better place. And same things you say. I was realy hurt from this words.
Also, maybe don't tell them that they look like they're doing good after asking how they are. Idk, just because I'm keeping it together doesn't mean I'm ok :( Really, I found that the best thing (at least for me) is just being there, and matching the energy of the person. I always had a dark sense of humor, and I make little cracks even at the very end. It helps me to laugh, so having someone laugh along helped to lighten the mood 😊 I just lost my dad a couple weeks ago to a sudden illness. It was a very quick decline. In 2 days, he went from critical care, to ICU, to emergency surgery, to dead. He was only 53, and I'm 20. Since I have older parents, I think I was subconsciously preparing to have to see them in hospice earlier in life, and I feel like these videos really helped prepare me for seeing my dad in his condition. By the time we came came see him, he was already fully sedated and incubated, with a full cocktail of IV medications, and (by the end) a dialysis machine. It really hits differently when it's your loved one that's on that hospital bed. Anyway, idk what prompted that rant... lol TLDR: I love your videos and they prepared me for the sudden death of my father ❤
Hey I just found your page recently and you have explained things in such a raw real way that have really connected to me. I was wondering if you had seen the TV series this is us. I actually finished it around when I found your channel. But just curious if you have seen it your take on the dementia/hospice that they portrayed in the show. Thank you so much!
wow, I can't believe a member of your FAMILY told you that 😔😔 I just don't know what ppl are thinking when they say something like that? surely they knew that wouldn't make you feel supported at all? I don't know. I'm so sorry you were told that, that's such BS and I'm sure you know that but still, to expect you to "suck it up" about your CHILD dying?!?! I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son, that is so devastating. I hope you can find some measure of comfort in your memories with him, and I hope your grief gets at least a tiny bit more bearable as time goes on. I'm so sorry 🤍
The worst one (imo) is asking what happened. I dont care how young/healthy the person was. You dont ask that question unless you are close to the person you are asking and they are at a point of being fairly healed from the grief
I feel like “I’m so sorry” should be only for people you know. Not strangers. I grew up with a lot of my people dying and the amount of strangers that knee jerk said “I’m sorry” felt cold and impersonal. Like ok. You’re sorry. Great. But you don’t know me so you truly don’t feel sorry you just feel a social obligation to say something. That’s why imho “my condolences” is for strangers/not close people. I’m sorry only for when you can honestly say it and mean it. And “oh I don’t know what to say” is one of the best because I know they’re actually LISTENING to me and not giving me socially acceptable platitudes to get through the discomfort of that part of the convo as fast as possible.
I'll add: Stop asking people how they're doing. When my uncle died people kept asking my cousin how she was and she felt like she had to manage their feelings by saying she was ok, when in reality her world was shattered. Just say you're sorry for their loss and maybe offer to sit with them or offer them anything they might need
I wouldn't personally say these things, but I think people also need to give people that say these things grace. The intent is to help allieviate your pain.
Die to my job I always talk to them on the phone. I express I’m sorry for their loss but I never know how to get off the phone. “Oh I’m so sorry for your loss and thank you for letting us know we can discharge the patient from service. Have a nice day.” Like how do I end that phone call.
I hate when people say I'm sorry abd that's it. You didn't do it. But I do say I'm very sorry to hear this news. I've also said I know there is nothing I can say take you feel better but I'm sorry to hear this And if it's someone I am close with I give my condolences and then flat out say death effing sucks. Because it does. And it's true.
As someone who just lost 4 people in the last 8 months. Hearing "I'm sorry..." Is annoying. To me someone saying "I'm sorry." Means they've done something wrong. Or they knew it was going to happen. Just say, "I'm here if you need anything, I will do my best to help." Anything else is annoying or makes me laugh which is rude.
hate the "at least theyre not suffering anymore" like bro im tryna convince myself it wasnt my fault i dont need to be told that they were just miserable the whole time 💀
Nope. Totally disagree when someone says , "they are with the Lord". Going home to the Lord is what us Christians look forward to. It's a celebration. Yes, painful, but a great reunion.
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Thank you Penny. My biggest pet peeve is "they're in a better place". Ugggh there is no better place than to be right with your loved ones 💌
I hate that too...how is being dead better...it's not
right, even for a lot of people who DO believe they’re in a better place, its hard for them to see it like that while they’re grieving somebody who JUST died.
My friend awoke one morning to discover her husband (only 41) had died very suddenly in his sleep. Her little heart was shattered beyond belief, & I was horrified when a so called friend of hers told her, 'Oh, don't cry', looking off as though she'd rather be anywhere else. I could've strangled her, but was only able to say, 'Hey, you cry, & you talk about him as long as you need to. I'm here'.
"I am sorry for your loss." And I remind, "All your feelings are valid. There are no wrong feelings. Don't beat yourself up for feeling sad, relief, or even your moments of joy. " Also, offering food, being there, and letting them speak (or not discuss) - whichever they need.
"The deeper the pain, the less words you use" --Rick Warren
Sometimes, just saying nothing at all and being present with them is the comfort they need, and being a listening ear and a sounding board if they need to talk.
I met a lady at my tattoo shop getting a memorial tattoo for her dad whod recently passed, i told her i was sorry for her loss, and asked if i could be brutally honest, she agreed, i told her that when my dad passed everyone said itll get better in time, youll get past this, but honestly, that made it so much harder, so my brutal honesty was - you will never move past this, it wont ever get better, youll always miss him, but eventually each day stops feeling like wading in quicksand, and it becomes easier to live with the loss, therell be days that gut punch you, but in general it gets easier to live through the loss, but dont wait for it to go away, it wont.
She cried and thanked me, she said everyone keeps saying it will and she couldnt ever imagine a day she could move on from losing him, but she can imagine being able to live with it. I think it was the first time someone acknowledged just how much pain she was in
You are so right, the feeling of loss changes, it never goes away.
For me when I lost my 44yo uncle to cancer I did say “he’s in a better place now” as he was in terrible pain I was glad he wasn’t suffering my family agreed with me aswell.. he was in so much pain he tried to take his own life. He was put on hospice and I will be forever grateful for those nurses ♥️
When I was a kid growing up, my mom had a best friend. His name was DJ. now after I join the Marine Corps at the age of 18 about a year and a half later, DJ passed away I flew home for his funeral and my mom was just inconsolable. He’d always been there for us when we needed him as a family friend so I gave her a journal and said now while he’s fresh in your mind, write down all the things that you can remember that you guys did that was fun, the times that you were able to call them and talk to them in the middle of the night when you didn’t think anybody else would understand and Tuesday it’s been 30 years she still has that journal on her make up desk and she said sometimes she just pulled it out and read and it makes her feel like he’s still here
Love this idea. I started a notebook of memories to write down about our mom after she passed but my family had completly fallen apart since then and have yet to be able to write any in it. Breaks my heart.
You can still write about her even though it is just for you. Just write one thing, and next time it might be easier. Or maybe you will start and not stop. It doesn't matter, just keep that book and it will be there when you need it. She loves you so much.
You can never go wrong with: “Im sorry for your loss, I’m here if you need anything”
As a person with a new disability, i agree 💯. Our culture is quick to "fix" bad things, but its the worse when someone tries to downplay the severity of an issue!! The most "comforting" thing ive heard from a friend was, "Wow, that sucks. I'm sorry you're going through that." And it was the most validating, consoling response
I feel like "they're in a better place" or "they're with the lord" is only appropriate if they are very religious people. If they're super religious, and I mean like SUPER, it might be comforting. But those scenarios are so few and far between that it is better to not use those at all.
Thank you for letting us know what to say. There is always a first time when you don't k ow what to say.
When my daughter died uneçpectedly someone actually said to me 'i heard that your daughter croaked'.you are expressing the words that can hurt a grieving person..thank you&hope ppl learn from you..
Oh my that is terrible! I can’t believe someone being so rude. My heart goes out to you.
My sister passed away from an embolism at 16yrs old and my stepdad passed away a few years after. Even though I believe i. God, I absolutely hated hearing “she’s in a better place,” or “it was all part of Gods plan.” “I’m sorry for your loss,” and “How are you doing/feeling?” are the best words for someone who has experienced a loss.
Ugh, yes! When people would tell me my mom was in a better place I always wanted to retort, “yeah, but I’m not!” And when ppl would tell me, “she lives on through you,” I always felt, ‘well…that’s great for everyone else but I’m still lost and miss my mom.’ The most refreshing thing I heard anyone say at my mom’s service was, “I’m so sorry about your mom. It really…$ucks.” I laughed, for the first time in weeks, because it was so blunt, honest, and accurate. It was refreshing.
I lost a friend that I worked with in 2022. He was only 17, three days before his 18th birthday. Very unexpected. He had a stroke and passed 11 days later. Absolutely surreal.
I had a therapist at the time pull the, “at least he’s in a better place” line and I was so upset. I told her the next session that I, personally, do not find comfort in that at all. Especially with sudden loss. She got defensive and snapped at me. I never spoke to her again after that session.
I do think there is a time for, “at least they’re out of pain” because I lost another friend after a seven year battle with cancer. It was so awful by the end and she was in so much pain all the time. It was heartbreaking to lose her, but I am at peace that she’s not in that pain anymore.
As a therapist myself that supports people through grief, that was the worst possible line your therapist could’ve said. I’m sorry you had that experience with a therapist after already going through a painful experience. When someone dies, there’s no “at least” about it. They’re gone, it sucks that they’re gone, and we need to be able to say that without any kind of platitudes.
I remember while in med school i had to take a class called "Death and Dying". Honestly i didnt expect to learn very much in that class. I thought id be learning about the basic scenarios of death ie: caring for the patient who passed tagging and transporting of the body and/or telling the family and friends the news of the passing, but it was so much more. While taking that course we had to shadow nurses and drs through the whole process and we even had to shadow the body to the funeral home in their preparations to really fully understand the concept of death and dying and all that xomes with it. That course gave me a better appreciation for death
I work as a florist and often meet with folks before a funeral. Sometimes when their grief is so apparent, and they look raw and tired from crying, I lean in and say, "My heart hurts for you, please know that the love you feel for your person is so beautiful that I can feel it now. I'm honored to help create something in their memory," and then I offer a hug and we both cry. 😢
When my son died from SIDS, I had so many “friends” literally cross the street to avoid talking to me. Please just acknowledge the person, even if you don’t know what to say…
I am 30 my mum died 5 years ago. And you are absolut right. When the people said things like that it feels like the Person wasnt important and it hurts its like a slap in the face.
At my husband's funeral a man said to me "Well God said he will never give you more than you can handle, so you will get over it. He was 46 and we had 2 girls. Married 28 years.
The “you’ll get over it” are fighting words
fr i think i’d lose it
When i was 19, a friend’s mother passed away after a brief struggle with cancer. Before this, i had no idea what it means to lose a family member and never been to a funeral in my life. Also no one told me what’s appropriate to say at a funeral. So I consoled my friend with “Hey, you should be glad she is free from all the pain.” The angry stare I got from him was unforgettable. That day I learned to never say anything at a funeral again.
My mom, who was my best friend, died unexpectedly and on her death bed told me I would get over it and forget about her soon enough. I haven’t gone one day without crying in 2 years. I don’t know who she thought she was to be forgotten but clearly she had no idea what a great person she was to think I could ever get over loosing her much less ever forget her. Totally different than what you’re talking about here but brought those memories up when I saw this. My mom was my person. I don’t have kids so it’s hard to
I always preface with the warning "I don't know what to say, and I apologize if I start rambling, but I am here"
When some people find out that your loved one has died the first thing out of their mouths is, "What'd they die from?". I tell them that "I prefer to talk about how she lived...".
omg that's ridiculously rude, some ppl genuinely have NO shame or tact whatsoever. like I get it, I'm also a very nosy person and want to know how someone died too, but ultimately we're not entitled to know that information and to just come right out and ask when the grieving person has not offered that info in conversation is just really insensitive and selfish. it's literally just to satisfy their own curiosity, they don't need to know how the person died to be able to support you.
You're so right about it being rude and insensitive. To satisfy their morbid curiosity they're willing to cause a grieving person to relive the most painful experience of their life. I lost my adult daughter and shortly after her fiance also passed and while handling business relating to their passing there were people demanding to know "how'd they die?!" @@eggbun1856
I just wrote that. It’s so rude.
I’m not religious but my good friend is and when my 7 year old cousin passed away in a really sad and unexpected way he told me, “well…god had better plans for her.” I told him that his god is evil, if that’s the case
199%
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Why religion shouldn't be upfront in our every day life, I feel so sick you had to hear them say that to your dead cousin
They mean well but don't realize how it comes off to those who aren't religious
absolutely.. i’m religious and would never ever say that to someone. how ignorant
I'm sorry is what i always say. 😔 i mean we all are going to experience grief.
This will definitely come in handy with my pts…. I dislike being in the comfort position because I don’t always know what to say… so I’ll be using this. Thank you for all you do.
I like to say, may their memory be a blessing ❤
That jumps over the grief. Not helpful.
my all time favorites are being left on read, the classic “oh”, and “well i lost 2 people in one day so..” (they weren’t close to them and they were distant family)
WHAT?!?! oh my GOD I would be ready to fight if someone tried to one up my loved one dying, who does that?! I cannot BELIEVE some of the responses ppl have gotten in these comments it's so shocking to me the complete lack of empathy and the selfishness, I'm so sorry you were told that, seriously wtf? as if you don't have any right to be upset bc you "only" lost ONE person?
I had a co worker tell me I shouldn’t be sad about my dad passing away because her husband dying was worse. I didn’t know it was a contest.
@@Ozziecatsmom that’s so fucked, you’re coworker has something wrong with them… i can’t compare loses but both are some of the hardest you can go through and the fact that she’d say that is disgusting
@@eggbun1856 some people lack so much empathy it’s sad
I always offer that if they ever want to share stories about their person I would love to hear them. Because I know that’s what has really helped me morn and process the loss of a loved one.
My friend and I honor the anniversaries and birthdays of those we’ve lost by texting photos to one another. And at the end always thank each other for allowing us to keep their memory alive and relive the happy moments by sharing the photos.
I've dealt with a lot of loss professionally (social services in a nursing home) and personally. I usually say, "Oh sh!t!", grab something to use as a handkerchief, and hug them while they talk and cry.
My personal favorite was “you knew he (my dad) was going to die anyway?!” Wtf? Yeah you’re right that’s so much more comforting. Ty for saying this.
The most comforting response was from a woman I didn’t get along with at all EVER. She never said a word, walked up and hugged me saying her mom died when she was 13 and there’s nothing she could say that would make things better. I’ve NEVER forgotten her kindness and honesty.
When my best friend whom is family to me lost her son unexpectedly I let her know that my heart was breaking for her and that if she needed me for anything even just to be an ear for her cry I would be there
It is uncomfortable, and you never really know what a grieving person needs to hear. One thing that can help is asking if they want to share one of their favorite memories about the person who died with you. Just holding space for them and then thanking them for sharing that memory with you.
I love this.
I’m trying to listen to what you’re saying but I can’t stop staring at your amazing results!! ❤❤
Thank you for educating the public!
I heard some of the sayings you mentioned and I wanted to scream!
A
I like something like "im sorry, that's a really hard thing to go through" or something that alnowledges the difficulty kf what theyre dealong with
You are so right, thank you, this is my favorite video by you...
Thanks. I heard the same things about my 18 year old son. Everyone claims to "know how I feel." I had one mother say that to me at my sons funeral, and i lost it. I snapped and said, "Oh really, your son is in that casket?"
Amazing advices, when my person passed away all I heard was he’s with the lord, and don’t cry, and it was incredibly hard to express myself even though I was quite young at the time, it took me years to process the grief because of that, especially since I had never been confronted to death before, I was the one who washed the body, and it was such a traumatic process for me, it’s absolutely not inherently bad, and you’ve helped me see why, but at the time it was put in front of me in such a miserable manner that it left tremendous marks of my psyche, I’m doing much better nowadays thanks to you and nurse bailey, so thank you for educating us on the proper way to die 🙏❤
With that, its okay for the grieiving person to say these things. My dad passed away in December from Stage IV Lung Cancer and heart disease. Knowing that he's not in pain anymore (especially after seeing the heavy-duty meds he was on) and suffering quietly as he did only makes the pain of losing him a little easier.
"This is so sad. I know how much you'll miss them"
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I'm so sorry.. please let me know how to help you..
I'm so very sorry. I'm going to miss them, too.
I work at a nursing home and often say I’m so sorry, I’m going to miss them too.
Hey, I'm currently in my 3rd week of university working towards being an Obstetrician and this is something I want to be able to do well for my patients. I understand that this is more aimed at when you're friends tell you someone they love has died, I still think it's useful to know and some of it could apply to my future career as a doctor/surgeon. Thank you for being so open about this topic and educating the public
My dad died and 100% went home to the Lord. It's incredibly validating to hear that. And yes he is in a better place and not suffering. Going through my throws of grief my only comfort was in those exact words.
blah. they were not careing about you! You don't ever get over it if you truly loved the prison died! 😢
Very good advice. Thank you!
I wish this lady would join up in an Ask a Mortician video! And she's right- those statements are so dismissive no matter how well intended.
I usually say that I'm sorry and I ask if they need a hug, a prayer, or a favor (like a coffee or something).
Great job because I can't believe the things people said after my Father died and the biggest one is comparing.
I didn't care about when they're Father, Mother, child or pet died and how bad they felt. I really just wanted to work.
Keep it simple. Let there be a silence for the grieving person to talk IF they want to ❤
Thanks for sharing🙏🏾
I met a woman in a Fb group. One of her sons was shot and he has since transitioned. She said she doesn’t like it when people say, “I’m sorry for your loss”. She said, she knows where her son is. I have learned not to say this either.
I cannot imagine what you are going through, trying to process such a painful loss, but I want you to know I that I care and I am here for you.
Thank you Penny❤❤❤
When my childhood dog died everyone kept saying “she’s in a better place now”, “she’s not suffering anymore”, “It’s better for her”, she was put down on 1st of Februari of this year
I entirely agree with this video. Those comments were indeed unhelpful.
My grandmother passed away and all I heard was “at least she’s not in pain anymore “ or “she’s with the lord” mind you, she was religious but my honest reaction was anger inside and a question in my head saying “how does that make me or the situation better?!”😅 . Obviously, I responded “thank you for your condolences. I was very close and it hurts that she’s passed. Rightnow, I’d like to/Love a (……hug, to not talk about it, coffee, prayers).
I thought I was the oversensitive one who felt rubbed the wrong way with the things not to say that you mentioned. It’s really nice to get comfort and confirmation that it’s not just me.
I don’t take what anyone said which was “wrong” or off putting to them personally because I understand they’re not great at comfort or just doesn’t know but, thank you. Watching your videos has been a big part in the caring and grieving process of my grandma.
I hate it when people say I’m sorry to *hear* that about anything. It means they’re sorry to hear it bit that it happened. « I’m sorry for your loss » is more about the other person.
I loathe the I’m sorry one more than anything. It’s a bold faced lie because you have nothing to apologize for! I do like the I’m so sad one because yes, in that moment of me telling you it is believable that you are in fact sad about my loved ones death. And admitting you don’t know what to say IS the best option. Coming from someone who’s 5 month old passed from SIDS… I also hate the “lost someone” thing… they aren’t lost, I unfortunately know exactly where they are…
Thank you 💕😊💕 I love all those responses. And yes on all the please don't say. And all your videos on the progress of dying . You helped my with my guilt that I didn't do enough. But if I had a idea before it happened.your videos helped my heart and soul.Than You.❤❤❤❤
I just want to tell you how beautiful you're looking. You're beaming
When an elderly friend was dying I had many conversations with her husband about faith or better our lack of it.
Had someone said anything to him about her death being Gods will, about God needing her more than her family needed her or about God only giving you what you could take it would have turned out very badly for that person.
"I'm so sorry you are going through this."
My deepest condolences to you
I guess it depends on the person. I for example like the "the are no longer suffering" sentiment. The "I'm sorry to hear that" that is what we used to say in customer service calls at work and I really don't like it 😭. The "I'm here for you" does sound better because you are offering help that you can actually provide. 🥰
Thank you.
I’m here for you and your family ❤
I remember while my class shaowed the workers at the funeral home funeral services are for the living its a way for them to come to terms that person passed away. Death is for the living. I didnt understand it fully till i personally experienced a passing in my family
I'm sorry for your loss.
"At least they're not suffering anymore" and "They're in a better place now" canbe very comforting depending in the situation. Neither comment should be made flippantly or carelessly, of course.
My grandma die two years ago. And when i say it to my friend. EVERYBODY start saying the things like: she is at the better place. And same things you say. I was realy hurt from this words.
When I lost my baby the best thing any one could do was sit in silence with me.
Great advice
I find it disrespectful when someone asks, Why did they die? It really doesn’t matter. Someone is grieving. Just be supportive.
Omg thank you for this!!!
Also, maybe don't tell them that they look like they're doing good after asking how they are. Idk, just because I'm keeping it together doesn't mean I'm ok :(
Really, I found that the best thing (at least for me) is just being there, and matching the energy of the person. I always had a dark sense of humor, and I make little cracks even at the very end. It helps me to laugh, so having someone laugh along helped to lighten the mood 😊
I just lost my dad a couple weeks ago to a sudden illness. It was a very quick decline. In 2 days, he went from critical care, to ICU, to emergency surgery, to dead. He was only 53, and I'm 20.
Since I have older parents, I think I was subconsciously preparing to have to see them in hospice earlier in life, and I feel like these videos really helped prepare me for seeing my dad in his condition. By the time we came came see him, he was already fully sedated and incubated, with a full cocktail of IV medications, and (by the end) a dialysis machine. It really hits differently when it's your loved one that's on that hospital bed.
Anyway, idk what prompted that rant... lol
TLDR: I love your videos and they prepared me for the sudden death of my father ❤
Well said
Hey I just found your page recently and you have explained things in such a raw real way that have really connected to me.
I was wondering if you had seen the TV series this is us. I actually finished it around when I found your channel. But just curious if you have seen it your take on the dementia/hospice that they portrayed in the show.
Thank you so much!
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Exactly what I heard when my son died... now its been 5 months & I was told recently by a family member suck it up... well ex family member now.
wow, I can't believe a member of your FAMILY told you that 😔😔 I just don't know what ppl are thinking when they say something like that? surely they knew that wouldn't make you feel supported at all? I don't know. I'm so sorry you were told that, that's such BS and I'm sure you know that but still, to expect you to "suck it up" about your CHILD dying?!?! I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son, that is so devastating. I hope you can find some measure of comfort in your memories with him, and I hope your grief gets at least a tiny bit more bearable as time goes on. I'm so sorry 🤍
When my grandpa died my dad said "I'm happy and sad about his death, happy that he's not suffering now and sad that I'll miss him,"
I know what i wanna here.. a nice clink of glass and a pouring sound and my friend saying "lets drink it out" hard liquor 🥃
The worst one (imo) is asking what happened. I dont care how young/healthy the person was. You dont ask that question unless you are close to the person you are asking and they are at a point of being fairly healed from the grief
You're looking so gorgeous
I feel like “I’m so sorry” should be only for people you know. Not strangers. I grew up with a lot of my people dying and the amount of strangers that knee jerk said “I’m sorry” felt cold and impersonal. Like ok. You’re sorry. Great. But you don’t know me so you truly don’t feel sorry you just feel a social obligation to say something.
That’s why imho “my condolences” is for strangers/not close people. I’m sorry only for when you can honestly say it and mean it. And “oh I don’t know what to say” is one of the best because I know they’re actually LISTENING to me and not giving me socially acceptable platitudes to get through the discomfort of that part of the convo as fast as possible.
I'll add: Stop asking people how they're doing. When my uncle died people kept asking my cousin how she was and she felt like she had to manage their feelings by saying she was ok, when in reality her world was shattered. Just say you're sorry for their loss and maybe offer to sit with them or offer them anything they might need
I wouldn't personally say these things, but I think people also need to give people that say these things grace. The intent is to help allieviate your pain.
Love the bangs!
Die to my job I always talk to them on the phone. I express I’m sorry for their loss but I never know how to get off the phone. “Oh I’m so sorry for your loss and thank you for letting us know we can discharge the patient from service. Have a nice day.” Like how do I end that phone call.
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So sorry from the wrong person will just piss people off.
Who did your lift? You look amazing!!!!
The one I hated the most, “everyone will die, this is natural” wtf!!!!
I hate when people say I'm sorry abd that's it. You didn't do it. But I do say I'm very sorry to hear this news. I've also said I know there is nothing I can say take you feel better but I'm sorry to hear this
And if it's someone I am close with I give my condolences and then flat out say death effing sucks. Because it does. And it's true.
As someone who just lost 4 people in the last 8 months. Hearing "I'm sorry..." Is annoying. To me someone saying "I'm sorry." Means they've done something wrong. Or they knew it was going to happen. Just say, "I'm here if you need anything, I will do my best to help." Anything else is annoying or makes me laugh which is rude.
Ive said before damn that sucks 😅
Very good post. A kind gesture would be to bring prepared food over over.
I always say " im sooo sorry". I dont ask for details. Of the.death!!! ( Tacky)
Yes I agree and what’s worse is when they shrug their shoulders.
He is in a better place now didn't comfort me as I felt my husband wouldn't want to be anywhere but with me! So upset me that phrase
You say sorry and let the grieving person lead the conversation
hate the "at least theyre not suffering anymore" like bro im tryna convince myself it wasnt my fault i dont need to be told that they were just miserable the whole time 💀
Off topic.. but you look great!!
Nope. Totally disagree when someone says , "they are with the Lord". Going home to the Lord is what us Christians look forward to. It's a celebration. Yes, painful, but a great reunion.
Not everyone has religion.
And not all of us with religion has the same one. Please keep those sentiments to yourself.