I recently realised how toxic and abusive 2 of my 3 key relationships were. One with the father of my children, and with my mother who said he was exactly like my own father (Who was the definition of a monster). Their father has a lot of trauma and depression fueling his own stuff. Since this realisation, I cut my family off entirely (They all share this mentality of "My way or my enimy" and refuse to admit mistakes, say sorry or to even admit that they've been abusive in any way. I have physical scars that say otherwise...). And I called off my romantic involvement with my kids dad. We're friends, we spend time together as a family unit for the kids, which goes nicely but generally are very distanced. That leaves me with 1 friend, the mother of my children's cousin, who lives across the country and I only see a few times per year. And myself as a single mother to a 1, 2.5 and 4 year old. I feel like I've been in a constant triggered state for over a month. If they so much as breathe too loud, I'm angry. If they act anything that incredibly obedient (Which due to good habit building in infance is actually pretty rare for their ages), I yell. Or worse, talk the way I was spoken to as a child. I'm constantly scared of a million different things, forever burned out. Just wish I could stop hating being around them. I used to get so much joy and fulfilment by being around them, and we used to have an amazing bond. Now everything feels like a battle, and I'm sure they'd agree. What do you do when every little thing triggers you?
I recently realised how toxic and abusive 2 of my 3 key relationships were. One with the father of my children, and with my mother who said he was exactly like my own father (Who was the definition of a monster). Their father has a lot of trauma and depression fueling his own stuff. Since this realisation, I cut my family off entirely (They all share this mentality of "My way or my enimy" and refuse to admit mistakes, say sorry or to even admit that they've been abusive in any way. I have physical scars that say otherwise...). And I called off my romantic involvement with my kids dad. We're friends, we spend time together as a family unit for the kids, which goes nicely but generally are very distanced. That leaves me with 1 friend, the mother of my children's cousin, who lives across the country and I only see a few times per year. And myself as a single mother to a 1, 2.5 and 4 year old. I feel like I've been in a constant triggered state for over a month. If they so much as breathe too loud, I'm angry. If they act anything that incredibly obedient (Which due to good habit building in infance is actually pretty rare for their ages), I yell. Or worse, talk the way I was spoken to as a child. I'm constantly scared of a million different things, forever burned out. Just wish I could stop hating being around them. I used to get so much joy and fulfilment by being around them, and we used to have an amazing bond. Now everything feels like a battle, and I'm sure they'd agree. What do you do when every little thing triggers you?