I have come across you as well for some strange reason in and I said let me watch this. Gentleman and I find your videos very interesting. Well thought of an honest… thank you for sharing your life with us.. one question how long are you on house arrest for? Not 10 years, right? That’s crazy and how do you pay for this??
Good question. I was locked up for over a year and Ive been on house arrest for almost 2 years now. Hopefully they will let me transition to being on parole in September, but we will see :) Fingers crossed.
Brian, I’m 28 yrs old, have been on TH-cam since I was 12, and this is the first comment I have EVER made on a video in my life. No one I have ever seen online has affected/moved me in the way you have, and I wanted to let you know. Your strength, honesty, accountability, forgiveness of others and gratitude for life has inspired me and helped me face my own demons more than I can say. I think about you nearly every day, and especially your saying “the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it’s connection.” I choose to believe we as a society can come together and make a real difference in the systems around incarceration and addiction, and it’s people like you who will help us get there. Thank you. It is so upsetting to see how lonely and isolating it can be on house arrest but please never doubt that you are a very special person and you matter to many people.
This was really cool for you to share. Thank you. Yes I believe he is here to help others and he's just a delightful and sincere human. It just shines through. Have a good day and keep going strong. ❤
@@cody-channeling Well he could have killed patients while working high on meth. The idea that makes someone a hero is insane. He put others lives at risk. I will celebrate the people who go to work and don't endanger their patients. Why is this guy an "inspiration"? If he had been your mom's nurse while high you would be flipping out and suing the hospital.
This happened to a friend of mine who was a travel RN (step down CCU) She was an awesome nurse, but just got hooked on pain pills after a car accident. California gave her three chances, and she ended up losing her license. Your stories are going to give other people hope! Thank you for being so honest and sharing…
I can relate to your story so much, i’m a nurse as well and i got put on opioid pain meds for chronic pain that were prescribed to me which led to a 2 year long addiction. Since then I’ve been almost 3 months clean. Thank you so much for your content it really inspired me to stay off them. You’re doing what most people are afraid of and that is speaking the truth💪. Keep making videos they really do help a lot of us who are watching! Thank you Brian🤍
Well done. Same story here. RN and multiple spinal fractures after an accident, lead to spinal fusions x 3 the pain journey alone has been rough, but although opioids saved me in many ways, they have also been a curse. Gone from 600mg (morphine) a day down to 20mg almost there. It’s taken 6 years. I can understand why this addiction can get so out of control. The withdrawals are the worst thing I’ve ever experienced if god forbid I ran out. ❤ good for you.
Yep. Me too. Multiple cervical spine fusions after an illegal alien hit me head on. Was on Fentanyl and hydrocodone x 3 yrs. Been off all opioids now for 10 yrs. Getting off that Fentanyl was THE WORST most AWFUL and horrible experiences of my life. It took 5 months for me to completely detox. It is no joke Ohmygah. Never again.
My brother died from a heroin overdose - bad gear. (This was before the fentanyl era) He was found a week later in the boarding house he was living in … due to the smell. 😢 he always thought he had things under control, he didn’t - he was 37 years old. There is the problem with the current system and the way in which they are trying to stop people from using drugs. There has to be a better way. In my eyes. If the legalisation for personal use, a limited amount that could be purchased from a pharmaceutical source, would prevent criminal activity and senseless death. People will always continue to use drugs, the fact it’s illegal doesn’t deter people, it only causes more problems. People are fearful in getting help for their addiction due to the fact they could loose - their jobs, fear of being judged etc. . I don’t know what the right solution is, but there has to be a way in which we can save lives, eliminate the whole stigma of drug addiction as being bad. I know that here in New Zealand that we now have “drug safe” free testing stations at concerts, raves, festivals where you can get your gear checked to see if it is safe and contains the drug that you intended to purchase is actually in the drug you have. It’s a great idea ! I know that my adult sons consume things and that there is now safe checks in place for them to use recreationally, have fun and come home at the end of the night safe and well. I can’t stop them from the choices they make and I’ve certainly had my fair share of “having fun” over the years. I’m so pleased that you are still here with us. ❤ thank you for sharing your story, this is very powerful. I admire your courage at being so vulnerable and honest. Love from another RN xx ❤
I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. Thank you so much for this incredibly well-stated comment. I couldn’t agree with you more about everything you said here ❤️ I think this is the right idea 🙏👍
Im currently struggling to stop using (binging on meth 2-3.5 days) once a month. Its just as bad as using every day imo and experience given I have been doing it for 2 years now. Im exhausted. I cant unlink the sex-drug link thats so powerful with meth and I pray and hope I can figure it out soon as I become a therapist and may not even allow myself to do that career if Im still relapsing…
Thanks for sharing. This is so taboo within the medical community. My mother was an addicted er nurse. She ended up on tpapn twice over the yrs.she ended up dying from her addicition. The medical community is not good at helping each other.its punitive n ur looked down on. Its more of a problem among nurses than ppl realize. Thanks for speaking on this
Im so sorry to hear about your Mom. Everyone knows it's a huge problem but I don't hear a lot of people talk about it too much. I really appreciate you sharing this
I was offered a job in my first week of rehab from an old friend and I had to say no but also explain why and what was happening to me! It was so shameful! However I am doing so much better now and in my dream job as a nurse consultant! I am glad I had the opportunity to go into rehab when I did and it didn't affect my nursing career!! Thank you for sharing your life and it will help so many! Your amazing and keep going and being you! Much respect! Our journey as nurses into addiction is so different than others! 😊
Remember a stint in rehab means you probably had to get honest with yourself in a big way. These days I see an employee who's been to rehab as a strength and a great resource in the workplace *if* they feel comfortable sharing. I had a young coworker who was embarrassed to explain why coworker happy hour was a no go for her (she was super social & friendly so it was very surprising that she would never go). We actually provided juvenile treatment, so it was a good wakeup call to stop having drunk coworker hangouts, and get healthy AND when she felt ok with being generally honest, it inspired a couple other people to get themselves into a program. She was an MBA, purely a business office job, but she had a huge positive mental health impact on the staff, which is a pretty awesome legacy.
I've had two acquaintances that have died from fentanyl-laced street drugs. One was a bridge engineer & his addiction completely ruined him. It's very sad. I've also known nurses that went down the same path as you.
Hi Brian! I just want to say that your videos are beneficial to everyone, not JUST to those who have shared in your experiences. To illustrate how naive I am, the most I've ever done is smoke a puff of weed 10 years ago in high school and it made me sick haha... On top of that I've never been around people who do drugs recreationally. And yet... here I am watching every video! You're an engaging story teller (with admittedly a great smile). More than that, you're someone who is doing the work of forging positive life lessons (or superpowers) out of trauma - something EVERYONE can learn from. 🤍
As an ICU nurse who has worked with impaired nurses and physicians it is not a victim less crime I hope you stay straight and find meaning to your life. Maybe work with drug rehab. Use this time to take classes
Met a waitress recently when I had lunch w my retired PO friend. She had just given notice & hugged her old probation officer, so excited to share that she was all cleared to get back to her true passion, nursing! It was a tough 10 year journey, but sometimes, what was lost can be regained in a better way. We tipped her 200% lol and now she's back into the profession fully, so happy to return to her call.
Did your addiction affect your (ex) wife’s nursing career at all? Not in a legal/administrative stance but in a personal way? Did she feel like she couldn’t/shouldn’t practice because of what happened with you? I’m so so proud of you for your recovery. Thank you for sharing your story, you never know who you may be helping! Praying everything continues to go well for you!
Thank you so much! I appreciate that. My ex wife is currently not working as an RN, but that doesn't have anything to do with me. She worked for 2 or 3 more years after her and I spit up and then she decided to go down a different path. I am grateful that her and I are still good friends :)
If I didn't have a "good" dealer to buy my pills from back when I was in active addiction, I have no doubt I would be dead. So I totally get how you feel conflicted. It kinda goes into the whole harm reduction conversation. If people are going to use, try to make it as safe as possible. I'm sure a lot of people have lived long enough to change & get sober because of decent people who happened to be also supplying drugs. It's hard to verbalize but I totally get what you mean.
I could be mistaken but I think I first saw your story on Intervention. I am a Psyche Nurse who has learned never to judge anyone. I believe in 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th and however many chances it takes to help turn one's life around. Your aunthetic story of all the good the bad and the ugly is encouraging and motivating. May someone else who is struggling and believes they can't find motivation to believe they can. All the best!
I really appreciate everything you said here. Thank you for your work as a Psyche Nurse. You are awesome. I was never on the show intervention so it must have been someone else :) Maybe someone with a similar story, because a lot of our addiction stories have a lot of similarities.
@@SmilesforMiles2024Thank you! My apologies for mistaking you for someone else. Yes its someone with a similar story he was also an ICU nurse. I am rooting for you and everyone else who despite everything are willing to try again and again regardless of how many times they fall.
Gotta remember that, even though you were selling somebody was buying… Anyway, that’s how I look at it. And I’m old. I’m 64. and I’ve never done hard drugs myself but I have chronic pain and I live on opioids, so what do you want?😊🥰🥰😘 And yeah. I hate drug test as well and chronic pain patients have to be drug tested every three months. Sucks … It’s as if because we need pain meds, we’re scum of the earth.
I hate that you are treated like a drug abuser just because you need meds that others abuse. It's so unfair. I feel for you. I hope you are doing well day-to-day and getting the relief you need. I really appreciate you sharing :)
Hello mate, Found your channel yesterday and I'm really happy to hear your story, and hear how well you appear to be doing. You're taking personal responsibility for your actions and the potential harm you could have caused by dealing, which is really good, as far as recovery goes. I think it is important to understand that you were a "user-dealer", the very bottom of the drug dealing hierarchy. In my opinion you were just as much a victim as you were a victimiser, because at the end of the day, you sold drugs to feed your addiction - not to make money off addicts (like your California dealer) . I've never had addiction issues, so discount what I'm saying if it isn't helpful. You seem like a genuine guy and I really wish you the best for the future. I look forward to watching more of you.
I really appreciate what you have said here. Thank you for taking the time to write it out. It definitely IS helpful. Thank you for watching and for your support. It means the world to me :)
I think when you do drugs, especially now... u take that chance of dying from fentanyl...u should be very proud that you're out and clean...like u said you could go get kratom right now if u wanted to...thank u for sharing your story and showing how u can stay clean by choice❤
Hey! You asked how you should feel about your conviction/crime and it’s an interesting question! My ideas below are purely from a hypothetical perspective, as I can’t be completely aware of your particular scenario, but I do have some thoughts: From experience (I’ve been sober 6.5 years), I know that if you weren’t selling it, they’d be getting it somewhere. It doesn’t matter where, once the itch starts, you’ll do anything to scratch. I appreciate that it was better quality than most, but I’m not sure that should really factor in. But I’d say it’s also like texting while driving. It feels “victimless” when you send a text and nothing happens. But there’s the one time you’re typing a message and a person may unintentionally be in the roadway. While most of the time nothing happens, we have to make sure that unknowing pedestrian is safe so we have to regulate speed and enforce with speeding tickets. So while I don’t think you are necessarily responsible for these people’s choices (even if it doesn’t feel like a choice), I also think that the judicial system is doing the right thing by trying to curb the damage. Is it perfect? Absolutely not. But I do feel that penance would be due for knowingly breaking laws meant to keep society safe from whatever that may be. Drugs affect far more people than the addict and their direct, and “just say no” obviously didn’t work. Again, I have no blame towards you for speaking out and am definitely not saying you should feel ashamed forever. I think you’re doing fantastic work, but overall, actions have consequences. I think that when you’ve completed your sentence, you have repaid that debt to society and deserve to move on and live happy, joyous, and free. ❤
Hey, for some (wonderful) reason, TH-cam recommended one of your videos and I’ve been bingeing them. I’m in nursing school currently. I think what you’re doing-sharing your story, being brave enough to do so-is awesome and I admire you greatly. Your ability to extract and mine the positive from a seemingly negative situation, like finding a diamond in a pile of dirty coal, is nothing short of miraculous. If more people saw the world as you do, life would be an entirely different (and better) proposition altogether. I know house arrest can be so lonely and isolating, but there are people you’ve never even met who are invested and care about you. All the love and good vibes from WVa 🙏🏻 PS…what happened to your cellmate with the hernia they wouldn’t treat?? I almost cried hearing that story. So f***ing inhumane.
Wondering… when was this going on? I feel like it wasn’t all that long ago which is crazy to me that where you guy live, you can actually still find heroin. In the Midwest it’s mostly all fent. People are dying here just so many people. Namely, my son died just four months ago. Drug induced asthma attack on Christmas morning … was in the hospital two hours from our house, because there were no neurologist in our town on Christmas day . In CCU for six nights… my dear boy was found to not have any brain activity … and then he became an organ donor .. What an absolute nightmare. 😢
It absolutely breaks my heart to read this. I am so so sorry for your loss. That is so terrible. I can't imagine the suffering you are dealing with. To answer your question, this was going on with me about 3 years ago now. If you are ever feeling like you don't have anyone to talk to about it feel free to get in touch with me: smilesformilescontact@gmail.com My heart goes out to you
This is a comment about you still not knowing how to feel about your time selling drugs. It is still called justification for what you did. I know you know it was bad; but, there is still a part of you justifying what you did because no one died that you sold drugs to. If any of the people you sold to had used to much of the drugs; they still could have died no matter how 'good' it was.
I feel bad for the people that have to be around you all day. Sorry. I despise "know it alls" especially ones who don't know sht.... Anyway have a great night!!
I know a Nurse Practitioner that when she was just starting out as an RN did this and became addicted to opiates. She just never got caught, and eventually turned to rehab and to this day is in AA..
I’m also a healthcare provider but have nothing in common with addiction. Your story helps me to better understand that addiction affects all walks of life. You look healthy & handsome. I wish you all the best in rebuilding a new life, you are doing great and are so brave to share your story with others ♥️
When heavy duty drugs come into the picture so can very strong demons. I once saw a demon who seemed to be attached to a woman that had a son that wanted to play with my son. The demon was very strong, very scary, and it is not someone that we can deal with on our own. He is too big and powerful and he can kills. Even if you were a strong body builder you could not deal with him on your own. What I saw I know was real. It was not my imagination. I got so scared that I refused to open the door to them when they came by next time. It broke my heart to hear the boy ask to open the door when he was knocking. But I was too scared. I am sorry for this boy and his mom. I did not mean to shout them out but I panicked. She did not tell me that she did drugs but I assumed it by the many holes on her arms that looked like injection holes that deformed. A person dealing with heavy duty addictions that can kill them might need an exorcism to remove any demonic spirits if there is any. There can be a group of them, with each trying to do a different activity. For example : One wants to do drugs, one wants to wach TV, one wants to steal, one does not want to watch tv, one wants to do other things. In case like this an exorcism is necessary and fasting and prayer. In the Bible Jesus said that some demons do not leave except through fasting and prayer. A person can attempt an exorcism on their own but you have to ask for protection for the people around you, like your children or wife because they might go to them. For real. I have seen it happen. During an exorcism that I did a demon transferred to a little child in the home and they tried to kill him the next day by making him run into traffic over and over until the child needed to be restrained and another exorcism needed to be done to relive the child from them. A person might need more than one exorcism. There is no other way to get rid of them. It is a matter that includes beings from the spiritual realm.
I know it may be easy for people to judge you in these comments but I’m not going to do that. It seems like you’ve made an effort to change which is more than what a lot of people are willing to do. Not going to lie, I’d never think a nurse or doctor or anyone in the medical field could end up like that. But of course this really highlights that it doesn’t matter how high and mighty someone’s title is, they are still human and are flawed at the end of the day. I hope your story inspires people to get help, even if they are someone that should “know better”.
Intelligence, wealth, discipline, support network, love, professionalism, won't save an addict once they are sliding fast down the slope. The fix/high/rush becomes more valued than oxygen.
@@chrisbfreelanceOk, thanks for offering your opinion. I think that’s a very defeating attitude to have so I will respectfully disagree. Painting a broad brush over every person that’s addicted is very small minded thinking.
@heyitz_rj As an addict who has been in many rooms for years with other addicts, what I described is a common thread. Addiction is bleak, nothing to do with a defeatist attitude, the winning comes once you break free from the shackles. To truly get better you have to reach peak emotional fatigue, sick of being sick. Until then the poison of choice takes priority above all else.
I was a city planner making great money, working in city hall. I was addicted and things got way out of control, a very short time later I was doing 2 years in state prison. It was the best thing and the worst thing that ever happened to me.
You just need a pharmacist license & then you can sell all the drugs you want. The gov just mad at you because they didn't get their cut of the profits.
I have been in numerous car accidents (none caused by me), hospitalized in traction, one weekend I passed 1/2dozen, more kidney stones. ALWAYS refused pain meds. Hot rooted teeth, took one pain med, then another hrs later, tossed the rest in trash, made me high as hello, uncomfortable! I feel grateful I never chose pain meds, yet, at times, I don't know if refusing pain meds were smart, yet, I don't really remember the pain, even frozen shoulder for a yr. I don't encourage anyone to stay in severe pain.
I tend to feel that way myself. I'm actually really grateful that I have been there because now I have a lot of compassion for all kinds of things. I really appreciate your comment. Thank you so much :)
Such an interesting story. I've been on oxy after surgery and quit cold turkey because it really didn't help my pain and I wasn't high off it. Still went through withdrawal symtoms. I was like " wtf?' to my doctor and she had to explain how your body gets used to them even if you don't. LOL.. but it's so funny to me how people are so different in how and why they get addicted. That would be an interesting topic for you to talk about as a nurse. You are doing great and I do enjoy watching your progress. I'm only sending the best good vibes to you. Keep up the good work on your videos! Hugs.
As the parent of two (former??) addicts i find solace in your video. I kind of feel like i am having a conversation with you my son and grandson have not had with me. Thank you. You are also really good at this. You have an extremely engaging manner.
I just found your channel and I am in love with it. I am not a addict but a mother of a addict who has been clean 6 yrs and I still fear a relapse. What a family goes through is just as rough and making him stay in jail instead of bail was the worst hell for his dad,sisters and me. I am so proud of you añd can't wait to keep watching you.
I really appreciate your videos. I’m struggling so much right now, it’s very hard for me to feel all of the trauma. Seriously, I’d rather be physically beat the hell up, than feel all the things that have hurt me.
“At this point I had forgotten about the investigation on my Nursing license. And…actually to this day I forgot about it. I never looked back. I assumed that my Nursing license got revoked…I lost complete interest in it. All I was interested in was just living day by day and getting high.” Did you really forget about it? Or is it too painful to acknowledge that you lost your career, something you worked very hard to get? While your addiction cost you tremendously, your marriage and livelihood, something in you changed. You’re not hiding in prison and using drugs. With the help of your sister you got out and got a job and a place of your own. Brian, thank you for clarifying your journey. I hope you continue making videos and sharing your process with the TH-cam community. It’s raw and impactful.
As along time nurse I really appreciate ur content it helps to understand a different perspective. I have unfairly misunderstood addiction thank u. Wish u well.
You should write a book to tell your story. I find people that are living dichotomous lives so interesting. You’d never think your icu nurse was using heroin and meth. Hearing stories from when you were still nursing but also using and then your progression downward would be fascinating. Glad you’re making videos and sharing your story. I hope it brings you healing.
I know you feel conflicted about your past. Hopefully you’re working with a good counselor or therapist to process this. And you do need to process this or it can manifest as guilt and shame which can set you up for another relapse in the future. In the end, it was never your intent to harm anyone. You were trapped in an addictive cycle and of course your actions were justified only to get yourself high. The past is the past, feel good about where you are, practice gratitude, and keep waking forward. That’s all anyone can do.
God bless you Brian! I was touch by your story and am watching your videos. As a fellow nurse and a believer in Jesus Christ 🙏🏽 i commend you and encourage you to keep going!
I have had to go through some things in my nursing career I never thought I would face and it's only by the grace of God that I was covered and not affect my license. I can relate to you and thank you for being so real , raw, and willing to share to help someone else . ❤️
I'm glad that you tried to minimize the possible risk of death that many families experience.. especially parents when their child takes something laced with fentanyl. I think Consumer Reports would give you one of their highest ratings.. just trying to inject (no pun intended) a little humor. Keep up the good work you are doing. Being an advocate for others will benefit you in the end. Prayers for you on your journey. ❤
I wanted to thank you for being so open and honest! I have been clean off of pain killers for 16 years and it can still be difficult. I was in the hospital and the nurse asked how my pain was doing. When I asked for Tylenol and Torodol, she said that I was the only patient who wasn’t asking for narcotics! This channel will hopefully reach a lot of people and let them realize that there is hope out there! I’m excited to follow your journey through this!
I’m a retired RN. I went through drug addiction, rehab, and recovery. I was never “found out” by the nursing association. I went on to get my masters degree, certifications, and became a nursing instructor. In the years following my recovery, I became a good, solid RN. But to this day, 32 years later, I still suffer from severe guilt of practicing while I was high. I wish I could apologize to my victims. But I can’t. I suffer PTSD even now with the knowledge that people received subpar care because of me. It’s a sad legacy.
14:50 You had a good plug and found him out of self preservation. If you hadn't gotten caught, eventually your plug would've, you would've needed the income still, and you would've sold unclean shit and killed people. To me it's a neutral point, you don't need to feel guilty for selling drugs, like you said they were doing it anyway. Def don't pat yourself of the back or think "clean drugs" is the answer to anything.
If you are ever in the mood, I’m interested in hearing about you/others having to WD in jail. What I love most about your videos is that you are a smart, lovely, educated good person and everyone always thinks of ‘addicts” as someone entirely different. I hope it helps people to judge less and have more compassion. I just love you❤ thanks for making these videos :) (Sorry, long comment) also, how did your parents react to everything? Such as: The drugs/divorce/ the shaggin’ wagon style van and jail). thanks! ❤
Respectfully, your wife and family are victims. You weren't there when they needed you the most. Best of luck on your recovery journey. Love and peace .
I don't understand why you would "respectively" say this, when he clearly already stated it himself and displayed deep vulnerability and lifelong regrets. I personally admire his courage and honesty and it is helping others find their own truth. I'm not sure why you feel your comment is helpful but I can guarantee your opinion is in the monitory on this channel.
@bonniemartin4232 Well, I hope you have a really good night and a good day tomorrow. I have minimum energy for conflict and trying to save as much as I can for good moments. 🥰
I see so much of this type of stuff online that I'm honestly, mentally exhausted from it. Here is my simple advice that will save your entire f****** life. ..... " DO NOT EVEN TRY DRUGS, JUST ONCE " ‼️‼️‼️. I cannot stress it enough that 90% of users that fall into YEARS of excruciating addiction have done so by their own hand. Consensual & irresponsibly. There is a saying that I have grown up on witch is, ," YOU CONTROL YOUR ADDICTION, DO NOT LET YOUR ADDICTION CONTROL YOU! " For those of you that are unaware, that kind of goes along the same lines of don't even try it once because you cannot control hard drug addiction. It's not rocket science, STOP BEING SPINLESS ! Stop trying to think you're stronger than a drug craving, it's dangerous, expensive and does you, or your people any favors! you have a choice. CHOOSE WISELY!
Im all ears, good evening Brian 🌙 thank you as always for sharing. Wow you were wheelig AND dealing. Lol not funny but you know what I mean 🙏🏾😊 When you were going thru detox /rehab did they offer you Suboxone/MD? Wow Pink Cloud... never heard of that term but the description is Definitely familiar. You're so optimistic, hopeful and certain...with ALL the good intentions in the world. Then one day you start flirting with it again smh Vicious cycle but I feel like you know when you're truly DONE. Im in the Bay Area ~Oakland specifically. I wish I could chat one on one privately with you about aome things. Im glad you're still sharing your journey, sordid details and all; bc I imagine its still not an easy thing to bare something so personal. You're inspiring so many and helping to change lives,it wont be in vain. ❤ 🎉
Yes definitely. I have talked about it a bit in some of my other videos. It's a southeast Asian plant that is sold in a powder form. It affects everyone a little differently but for me it functioned identically to other opiates (very much like Vicodin or Norco). It is legal in the US in most states so you can just go to any smoke shop and buy it.
Brian, I have been watching your back videos. Do you believe in addictive personality? Whether good or bad, some people need a fix whether it’s nicotine, alcohol, or weed . I am not talking about excessive , more as a habit
This is a great question! I honestly haven't thought about it specifically too much. I think everyone has the potential to develop addictive (or habitual) tendencies towards one thing or another. I think the modern world capitalized on this human tendency (there are sooo many things in our modern world that are meticulously designed to get us addicted). I think depending on any given persons circumstance and mental health they can be more or less susceptible to certain things. But I really think that those of us who have really fallen victim to terrible habits/addictions have a greater potential to really understand this on a deeper level, and can really come out of it stronger than the average person. I love your comment. Thank you so much. I will think about this more :)
I have so much respect for you for telling your story online. The stigma in the addiction/recovery community is crazy. I was addicted to heroin but this july ill be hitting my 12th year clean and sober and it feels amazing!
Hi Brian! Haven't had time to sit down and watch this yet. I will comment later again after I do. Just want you to know I'm out here cheering you on as usual! ❤
I just yesterday came across your channel and I am binge-watching. You are so insightful and well spoken - I am certain that your channel will become very important and very useful for many many people.
I'm an ER RN who is in recovery after becoming addicted to opioids after being prescribed pain medication for chronic pain. I might have gotten help earlier if we as a profession would talk about addiction more openly & had more resources available. Thank you for sharing your story!! Makes me feel less ashamed about my "dirty secret". 3 years clean now! 😊
Hi Brian, thanks for sharing your story with Drug addiction in the hopes that it will help others facing the same situation. In another video you mentioned the close relationship that you have with your sister. She must have been involved with planning your families Intervention to save your life and that must have been very difficult for her and your parents. If your sister would be willing to be on your video it would be interesting to hear her side and struggles to provide the Intervention that saved your life. You probably wouldn't be here creating these videos if you didn't have family that loved you to provide the help you needed. As far as my thoughts on you providing a cleaner form of drugs from your buyer, I would summarize it as you providing the lesser of 2 evils. Since some of your customers died after buying drugs infused with Fentanyl from other buyers at least you provided a "safer" alternative. Fentanyl deaths are on the rise each day as so many tainted drugs are being brought into this country from the Drug Cartels in Mexico. Thanks Brian. Will look forward to a new video each Monday. Take care of yourself and wish you the very best as you rebuild your life.
It's a damned good thing you didn't meet fentanyl in your street drugs...I'm glad you're alive - your story is so interesting because you seemed to have built a nice life, a career you enjoyed, supportive family (financially and emotionally), etc. I have an addiction but not to drugs - thank you for revealing so much about your self and your experience. (Just as an aside, you remind me a bit of Jason Bateman and David Packman!)
I like your videos, I love and respect that you are trying to aking accountability, but you asked us about our opionions and so I have questions: I have the impression that the accountability amounts to the people in your circle and to the U.S. But what about the people in other countries growing the heroin? Or what about the people shipping it? Have you thought about what your addiction fundet (the human toll of creating and shipping your drugs to you). You only take into accountability the US side of you selling drugs that where , quote, "shipped or whatever" to you. Have you really, really thought about it how the drugs appeared in the US? They did not just appeared f out of thin air? (eg There was a documentary about the Drummer Alex James where he really dives deep into the origins of cocain, in his case).
..PS: You said that you bought the best quality you could get and sold it for the best price to just fund your addcition. Iwould say that, if you did not test yourself ( why did you not do it yourself? as a nurse, you surely would have the opportunity to gain the knowledge to do it?) you never were in the position to garantuee getting the best or "clean" stuff. You trusted a drug dealer. What if he had gotto into deep problems and had been forced to sell sh*t stuff? You are telling us that you got the best quality and nobody ever overdosed, but people overdosed after you got arrested. I would say: Pure luck. You did not test yourself. Period. If you believe otherwise, you pull the wool over your own eyes. As I said before, I love to follow your journey, i congratulate you on beeing sober, on turning your live arround. But you asked for our opionions and this is mine.
I am so happy you are no longer using. I found your videos doing research to help my son. He is 22 and an opiate addict. I asked him to watch your videos to show him there is a way out. Thank you for that. How are things with you and your parents? Is there anything you wish they would have done to help? I want to help my kid so very bad just don't. know what to do.
Sounds like probably less people died when you where providing a consistent somewhat clean supply and did things in a decent way, guess you can call this harm reduction. Seems methadone clinks do pretty much the same thing.
Now you know why the dope was so sketchy in the first place! The cop's were annihilating the competition and mist likely paid to protect the big guy's around there that you were encroaching on turf wise!
Thank you for sharing your interesting story. A new study says that yoga and Sudarshan Kryia taught by the Art of Living Foundation can significantly improve the quality of life of drug users and reduce the frequency of their drug usage. Blessings on your journey!
I am of the belief that the war on drugs has been responsible for the proliferation of use. There is way too much money to be made in that business to ever see a reduction in the available supply.
I absolutely, completely agree. Not saying there's not a problem, just that the ways the government has gone about trying to control it, have been not only unhelpful, but have often made it worse
I see it differently, having worked as a paralegal for a criminal defense attorney. Cartels and others, like all businesses, are always increasing the potency of their products. I has zero to do with the government. Marijuana has been bred to be much stronger than it was decades ago. Look at the proliferation of sugar in so many products we consume. Ditto access to porn.
Dude I did and went through so many similar things. You’re awesome, I wish I’d known you on the street. Anyways good to see you now - be well and continue what you’re doing. BTW: People choose to do drugs, it’s not on you, it’s on them.
It is amazing that you are able to share your story. It’s great that you have been able to get and stay clean!! My son is an active user of fentanyl and I scares the shit out of me!! I hope that on day he will feel he is ready to get clean. I would love more than anything for him to be clean and us to have a relationship. I know I can’t push it. It Hass to be on his time and I think that makes it even harder for me. I just want to help. Any suggestions?
It’s a strange issue, coupled with DNA 🧬 genetics, personality DSM diagnoses, in my humble opinion. Not all that drink end up alcoholics, anymore than those that take opioids end up on heroin. More research has to be done. ❤
In AA you hear patterns, but there is so much crossover in general human behaviour that it's not clear. I hear trauma get dragged out a lot, but I never suffered trauma and still became a litre of poison a day alcoholic. Ultimately I don't actually care, I care I have a good healthy life now without the need to escape life of life's terms.
Surprised and glad i stumbled upon your channel Thanks!
Wow. Thank you so much! You are too kind. I really appreciate you 🥰
I have come across you as well for some strange reason in and I said let me watch this. Gentleman and I find your videos very interesting. Well thought of an honest… thank you for sharing your life with us.. one question how long are you on house arrest for? Not 10 years, right? That’s crazy and how do you pay for this??
Good question. I was locked up for over a year and Ive been on house arrest for almost 2 years now. Hopefully they will let me transition to being on parole in September, but we will see :) Fingers crossed.
Brian, I’m 28 yrs old, have been on TH-cam since I was 12, and this is the first comment I have EVER made on a video in my life. No one I have ever seen online has affected/moved me in the way you have, and I wanted to let you know. Your strength, honesty, accountability, forgiveness of others and gratitude for life has inspired me and helped me face my own demons more than I can say. I think about you nearly every day, and especially your saying “the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it’s connection.” I choose to believe we as a society can come together and make a real difference in the systems around incarceration and addiction, and it’s people like you who will help us get there. Thank you. It is so upsetting to see how lonely and isolating it can be on house arrest but please never doubt that you are a very special person and you matter to many people.
This was really cool for you to share. Thank you. Yes I believe he is here to help others and he's just a delightful and sincere human. It just shines through. Have a good day and keep going strong. ❤
@JXDMNN what's the eye roll comment all about?
Agree. Idk what the eye roll comment is about, have some humanity here…
@@cody-channeling Well he could have killed patients while working high on meth. The idea that makes someone a hero is insane. He put others lives at risk. I will celebrate the people who go to work and don't endanger their patients. Why is this guy an "inspiration"? If he had been your mom's nurse while high you would be flipping out and suing the hospital.
@@drn13355 I get that but an inspiration now that hes sober for those of us struggling.
This happened to a friend of mine who was a travel RN (step down CCU) She was an awesome nurse, but just got hooked on pain pills after a car accident. California gave her three chances, and she ended up losing her license. Your stories are going to give other people hope! Thank you for being so honest and sharing…
Three!? In Tennessee you wouldn’t even get one
Thank you for sharing. It gives me hope to read comments like this ❤️
@@tiaslays255 Because Tennessee is a backward private prison loving bootlicking shithole state that thrives on incarceration and misery
I can relate to your story so much, i’m a nurse as well and i got put on opioid pain meds for chronic pain that were prescribed to me which led to a 2 year long addiction. Since then I’ve been almost 3 months clean. Thank you so much for your content it really inspired me to stay off them. You’re doing what most people are afraid of and that is speaking the truth💪. Keep making videos they really do help a lot of us who are watching! Thank you Brian🤍
Well done. Same story here. RN and multiple spinal fractures after an accident, lead to spinal fusions x 3 the pain journey alone has been rough, but although opioids saved me in many ways, they have also been a curse. Gone from 600mg (morphine) a day down to 20mg almost there. It’s taken 6 years. I can understand why this addiction can get so out of control. The withdrawals are the worst thing I’ve ever experienced if god forbid I ran out. ❤ good for you.
Congrats on sobriety!
Yep. Me too. Multiple cervical spine fusions after an illegal alien hit me head on. Was on Fentanyl and hydrocodone x 3 yrs. Been off all opioids now for 10 yrs. Getting off that Fentanyl was THE WORST most AWFUL and horrible experiences of my life. It took 5 months for me to completely detox. It is no joke Ohmygah. Never again.
Holy cow, you look like a young Jason Bateman!
😂 I get that all the time 😂
Too funny! I thought that too!!
Thanks for having the courage to share your story and struggles along the way.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate you! Thank you so much! 🥰🥰❤
My brother died from a heroin overdose - bad gear. (This was before the fentanyl era) He was found a week later in the boarding house he was living in … due to the smell. 😢 he always thought he had things under control, he didn’t - he was 37 years old. There is the problem with the current system and the way in which they are trying to stop people from using drugs. There has to be a better way. In my eyes. If the legalisation for personal use, a limited amount that could be purchased from a pharmaceutical source, would prevent criminal activity and senseless death. People will always continue to use drugs, the fact it’s illegal doesn’t deter people, it only causes more problems. People are fearful in getting help for their addiction due to the fact they could loose - their jobs, fear of being judged etc. . I don’t know what the right solution is, but there has to be a way in which we can save lives, eliminate the whole stigma of drug addiction as being bad. I know that here in New Zealand that we now have “drug safe” free testing stations at concerts, raves, festivals where you can get your gear checked to see if it is safe and contains the drug that you intended to purchase is actually in the drug you have. It’s a great idea ! I know that my adult sons consume things and that there is now safe checks in place for them to use recreationally, have fun and come home at the end of the night safe and well. I can’t stop them from the choices they make and I’ve certainly had my fair share of “having fun” over the years. I’m so pleased that you are still here with us. ❤ thank you for sharing your story, this is very powerful. I admire your courage at being so vulnerable and honest. Love from another RN xx ❤
I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. Thank you so much for this incredibly well-stated comment. I couldn’t agree with you more about everything you said here ❤️ I think this is the right idea 🙏👍
Im currently struggling to stop using (binging on meth 2-3.5 days) once a month. Its just as bad as using every day imo and experience given I have been doing it for 2 years now. Im exhausted. I cant unlink the sex-drug link thats so powerful with meth and I pray and hope I can figure it out soon as I become a therapist and may not even allow myself to do that career if Im still relapsing…
*He got good gear, he just did too much.*
*Don't worry, it's not fetty so he got good gear and felt good before he died.*
@@cody-channelingthinking of you ! Hope you are doing well!
Thanks for sharing. This is so taboo within the medical community. My mother was an addicted er nurse. She ended up on tpapn twice over the yrs.she ended up dying from her addicition. The medical community is not good at helping each other.its punitive n ur looked down on. Its more of a problem among nurses than ppl realize. Thanks for speaking on this
Im so sorry to hear about your Mom. Everyone knows it's a huge problem but I don't hear a lot of people talk about it too much. I really appreciate you sharing this
I was offered a job in my first week of rehab from an old friend and I had to say no but also explain why and what was happening to me! It was so shameful! However I am doing so much better now and in my dream job as a nurse consultant! I am glad I had the opportunity to go into rehab when I did and it didn't affect my nursing career!! Thank you for sharing your life and it will help so many! Your amazing and keep going and being you! Much respect! Our journey as nurses into addiction is so different than others! 😊
Remember a stint in rehab means you probably had to get honest with yourself in a big way. These days I see an employee who's been to rehab as a strength and a great resource in the workplace *if* they feel comfortable sharing. I had a young coworker who was embarrassed to explain why coworker happy hour was a no go for her (she was super social & friendly so it was very surprising that she would never go). We actually provided juvenile treatment, so it was a good wakeup call to stop having drunk coworker hangouts, and get healthy AND when she felt ok with being generally honest, it inspired a couple other people to get themselves into a program. She was an MBA, purely a business office job, but she had a huge positive mental health impact on the staff, which is a pretty awesome legacy.
It's not a war on drugs, it's a war on people. Drug laws are also unconstitutional
I've had two acquaintances that have died from fentanyl-laced street drugs. One was a bridge engineer & his addiction completely ruined him. It's very sad. I've also known nurses that went down the same path as you.
It is so sad 😞 I wish I could do more to help solve this problem
*Imagine being smart enough to be an Engineer, yet not smart enough to test drugs.*
Hi Brian! I just want to say that your videos are beneficial to everyone, not JUST to those who have shared in your experiences. To illustrate how naive I am, the most I've ever done is smoke a puff of weed 10 years ago in high school and it made me sick haha... On top of that I've never been around people who do drugs recreationally. And yet... here I am watching every video! You're an engaging story teller (with admittedly a great smile). More than that, you're someone who is doing the work of forging positive life lessons (or superpowers) out of trauma - something EVERYONE can learn from. 🤍
Yes! I love this.
As an ICU nurse who has worked with impaired nurses and physicians it is not a victim less crime I hope you stay straight and find meaning to your life. Maybe work with drug rehab. Use this time to take classes
My sentiments as well. How will he ever know if his use affected the patients under his care?
Met a waitress recently when I had lunch w my retired PO friend. She had just given notice & hugged her old probation officer, so excited to share that she was all cleared to get back to her true passion, nursing! It was a tough 10 year journey, but sometimes, what was lost can be regained in a better way. We tipped her 200% lol and now she's back into the profession fully, so happy to return to her call.
So no one forced the drugs on you. Take responsibility no one to blame but yourself
Peer pressure, man! He wanted to be cool. 😎
Did your addiction affect your (ex) wife’s nursing career at all? Not in a legal/administrative stance but in a personal way? Did she feel like she couldn’t/shouldn’t practice because of what happened with you?
I’m so so proud of you for your recovery. Thank you for sharing your story, you never know who you may be helping! Praying everything continues to go well for you!
Thank you so much! I appreciate that. My ex wife is currently not working as an RN, but that doesn't have anything to do with me. She worked for 2 or 3 more years after her and I spit up and then she decided to go down a different path. I am grateful that her and I are still good friends :)
If I didn't have a "good" dealer to buy my pills from back when I was in active addiction, I have no doubt I would be dead. So I totally get how you feel conflicted. It kinda goes into the whole harm reduction conversation. If people are going to use, try to make it as safe as possible. I'm sure a lot of people have lived long enough to change & get sober because of decent people who happened to be also supplying drugs. It's hard to verbalize but I totally get what you mean.
i would love to hear some prison stories. i'm a former CNA who is currently struggling with addiction as well. your story gives me hope! ❤
I could be mistaken but I think I first saw your story on Intervention. I am a Psyche Nurse who has learned never to judge anyone. I believe in 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th and however many chances it takes to help turn one's life around. Your aunthetic story of all the good the bad and the ugly is encouraging and motivating. May someone else who is struggling and believes they can't find motivation to believe they can. All the best!
I really appreciate everything you said here. Thank you for your work as a Psyche Nurse. You are awesome. I was never on the show intervention so it must have been someone else :) Maybe someone with a similar story, because a lot of our addiction stories have a lot of similarities.
@@SmilesforMiles2024Thank you! My apologies for mistaking you for someone else. Yes its someone with a similar story he was also an ICU nurse. I am rooting for you and everyone else who despite everything are willing to try again and again regardless of how many times they fall.
Cant wait to hear more about your story! Im so proud of you and your journey heading in a positive way.
Gotta remember that, even though you were selling somebody was buying…
Anyway, that’s how I look at it.
And I’m old. I’m 64. and I’ve never done hard drugs myself but I have chronic pain and I live on opioids, so what do you want?😊🥰🥰😘
And yeah. I hate drug test as well and chronic pain patients have to be drug tested every three months. Sucks …
It’s as if because we need pain meds, we’re scum of the earth.
I hate that you are treated like a drug abuser just because you need meds that others abuse. It's so unfair. I feel for you. I hope you are doing well day-to-day and getting the relief you need. I really appreciate you sharing :)
Hello mate,
Found your channel yesterday and I'm really happy to hear your story, and hear how well you appear to be doing. You're taking personal responsibility for your actions and the potential harm you could have caused by dealing, which is really good, as far as recovery goes. I think it is important to understand that you were a "user-dealer", the very bottom of the drug dealing hierarchy. In my opinion you were just as much a victim as you were a victimiser, because at the end of the day, you sold drugs to feed your addiction - not to make money off addicts (like your California dealer) .
I've never had addiction issues, so discount what I'm saying if it isn't helpful. You seem like a genuine guy and I really wish you the best for the future. I look forward to watching more of you.
I really appreciate what you have said here. Thank you for taking the time to write it out. It definitely IS helpful. Thank you for watching and for your support. It means the world to me :)
I think when you do drugs, especially now... u take that chance of dying from fentanyl...u should be very proud that you're out and clean...like u said you could go get kratom right now if u wanted to...thank u for sharing your story and showing how u can stay clean by choice❤
Hey! You asked how you should feel about your conviction/crime and it’s an interesting question! My ideas below are purely from a hypothetical perspective, as I can’t be completely aware of your particular scenario, but I do have some thoughts:
From experience (I’ve been sober 6.5 years), I know that if you weren’t selling it, they’d be getting it somewhere. It doesn’t matter where, once the itch starts, you’ll do anything to scratch. I appreciate that it was better quality than most, but I’m not sure that should really factor in. But I’d say it’s also like texting while driving. It feels “victimless” when you send a text and nothing happens. But there’s the one time you’re typing a message and a person may unintentionally be in the roadway. While most of the time nothing happens, we have to make sure that unknowing pedestrian is safe so we have to regulate speed and enforce with speeding tickets. So while I don’t think you are necessarily responsible for these people’s choices (even if it doesn’t feel like a choice), I also think that the judicial system is doing the right thing by trying to curb the damage. Is it perfect? Absolutely not. But I do feel that penance would be due for knowingly breaking laws meant to keep society safe from whatever that may be. Drugs affect far more people than the addict and their direct, and “just say no” obviously didn’t work.
Again, I have no blame towards you for speaking out and am definitely not saying you should feel ashamed forever. I think you’re doing fantastic work, but overall, actions have consequences. I think that when you’ve completed your sentence, you have repaid that debt to society and deserve to move on and live happy, joyous, and free. ❤
Hey, for some (wonderful) reason, TH-cam recommended one of your videos and I’ve been bingeing them. I’m in nursing school currently. I think what you’re doing-sharing your story, being brave enough to do so-is awesome and I admire you greatly. Your ability to extract and mine the positive from a seemingly negative situation, like finding a diamond in a pile of dirty coal, is nothing short of miraculous. If more people saw the world as you do, life would be an entirely different (and better) proposition altogether.
I know house arrest can be so lonely and isolating, but there are people you’ve never even met who are invested and care about you. All the love and good vibes from WVa 🙏🏻
PS…what happened to your cellmate with the hernia they wouldn’t treat?? I almost cried hearing that story. So f***ing inhumane.
Wondering… when was this going on? I feel like it wasn’t all that long ago which is crazy to me that where you guy live, you can actually still find heroin.
In the Midwest it’s mostly all fent. People are dying here just so many people. Namely, my son died just four months ago.
Drug induced asthma attack on Christmas morning … was in the hospital two hours from our house, because there were no neurologist in our town on Christmas day .
In CCU for six nights… my dear boy was found to not have any brain activity … and then he became an organ donor .. What an absolute nightmare. 😢
It absolutely breaks my heart to read this. I am so so sorry for your loss. That is so terrible. I can't imagine the suffering you are dealing with.
To answer your question, this was going on with me about 3 years ago now.
If you are ever feeling like you don't have anyone to talk to about it feel free to get in touch with me:
smilesformilescontact@gmail.com
My heart goes out to you
This is a comment about you still not knowing how to feel about your time selling drugs. It is still called justification for what you did. I know you know it was bad; but, there is still a part of you justifying what you did because no one died that you sold drugs to. If any of the people you sold to had used to much of the drugs; they still could have died no matter how 'good' it was.
This is very true
Blah blah blah blah.... 🥴🥴🙄🙄
I feel bad for the people that have to be around you all day. Sorry. I despise "know it alls" especially ones who don't know sht.... Anyway have a great night!!
I know a Nurse Practitioner that when she was just starting out as an RN did this and became addicted to opiates. She just never got caught, and eventually turned to rehab and to this day is in AA..
I’m also a healthcare provider but have nothing in common with addiction. Your story helps me to better understand that addiction affects all walks of life. You look healthy & handsome. I wish you all the best in rebuilding a new life, you are doing great and are so brave to share your story with others ♥️
Hi Brian why is your sentence so long? You can retake NCLEX after 8 years. Goodluck
Courage is Contagious!
Can you talk more about Kratom? And how it lead you towards other drugs? or just more information on it? Just Your relationship with Kratom.
When heavy duty drugs come into the picture so can very strong demons.
I once saw a demon who seemed to be attached to a woman that had a son that wanted to play with my son.
The demon was very strong, very scary, and it is not someone that we can deal with on our own. He is too big and powerful and he can kills.
Even if you were a strong body builder you could not deal with him on your own.
What I saw I know was real. It was not my imagination.
I got so scared that I refused to open the door to them when they came by next time. It broke my heart to hear the boy ask to open the door
when he was knocking. But I was too scared. I am sorry for this boy and his mom. I did not mean to shout them out but I panicked.
She did not tell me that she did drugs but I assumed it by the many holes on her arms that looked like injection holes that deformed.
A person dealing with heavy duty addictions that can kill them might need an exorcism to remove any demonic spirits if there is any.
There can be a group of them, with each trying to do a different activity. For example : One wants to do drugs, one wants to wach TV,
one wants to steal, one does not want to watch tv, one wants to do other things.
In case like this an exorcism is necessary and fasting and prayer. In the Bible Jesus said that some demons do not leave except through
fasting and prayer.
A person can attempt an exorcism on their own but you have to ask for protection for the people around you, like your children or wife
because they might go to them. For real. I have seen it happen. During an exorcism that I did a demon transferred to a little child in the home
and they tried to kill him the next day by making him run into traffic over and over until the child needed to be restrained and another exorcism needed to be done to relive the child from them.
A person might need more than one exorcism. There is no other way to get rid of them. It is a matter that includes beings from the spiritual realm.
I know it may be easy for people to judge you in these comments but I’m not going to do that. It seems like you’ve made an effort to change which is more than what a lot of people are willing to do. Not going to lie, I’d never think a nurse or doctor or anyone in the medical field could end up like that. But of course this really highlights that it doesn’t matter how high and mighty someone’s title is, they are still human and are flawed at the end of the day. I hope your story inspires people to get help, even if they are someone that should “know better”.
Intelligence, wealth, discipline, support network, love, professionalism, won't save an addict once they are sliding fast down the slope.
The fix/high/rush becomes more valued than oxygen.
@@chrisbfreelanceOk, thanks for offering your opinion. I think that’s a very defeating attitude to have so I will respectfully disagree. Painting a broad brush over every person that’s addicted is very small minded thinking.
@heyitz_rj As an addict who has been in many rooms for years with other addicts, what I described is a common thread. Addiction is bleak, nothing to do with a defeatist attitude, the winning comes once you break free from the shackles.
To truly get better you have to reach peak emotional fatigue, sick of being sick. Until then the poison of choice takes priority above all else.
I was a city planner making great money, working in city hall. I was addicted and things got way out of control, a very short time later I was doing 2 years in state prison. It was the best thing and the worst thing that ever happened to me.
You just need a pharmacist license & then you can sell all the drugs you want. The gov just mad at you because they didn't get their cut of the profits.
I have been in numerous car accidents (none caused by me), hospitalized in traction, one weekend I passed 1/2dozen, more kidney stones. ALWAYS refused pain meds.
Hot rooted teeth, took one pain med, then another hrs later, tossed the rest in trash, made me high as hello, uncomfortable! I feel grateful I never chose pain meds, yet, at times, I don't know if refusing pain meds were smart, yet, I don't really remember the pain, even frozen shoulder for a yr. I don't encourage anyone to stay in severe pain.
I think that no one can judge until they have been there
I tend to feel that way myself. I'm actually really grateful that I have been there because now I have a lot of compassion for all kinds of things. I really appreciate your comment. Thank you so much :)
Such an interesting story. I've been on oxy after surgery and quit cold turkey because it really didn't help my pain and I wasn't high off it. Still went through withdrawal symtoms. I was like " wtf?' to my doctor and she had to explain how your body gets used to them even if you don't. LOL.. but it's so funny to me how people are so different in how and why they get addicted. That would be an interesting topic for you to talk about as a nurse. You are doing great and I do enjoy watching your progress. I'm only sending the best good vibes to you. Keep up the good work on your videos! Hugs.
As the parent of two (former??) addicts i find solace in your video. I kind of feel like i am having a conversation with you my son and grandson have not had with me. Thank you. You are also really good at this. You have an extremely engaging manner.
Where were you getting the drugs to sell though?
I just found your channel and I am in love with it. I am not a addict but a mother of a addict who has been clean 6 yrs and I still fear a relapse. What a family goes through is just as rough and making him stay in jail instead of bail was the worst hell for his dad,sisters and me. I am so proud of you añd can't wait to keep watching you.
I really appreciate your videos. I’m struggling so much right now, it’s very hard for me to feel all of the trauma.
Seriously, I’d rather be physically beat the hell up, than feel all the things that have hurt me.
Hope you are doing ok? Not sure what you’re going through but your comment caught my attention.
@iansteward4708
Same here. Yes are you ok? You're not alone friend
Soooo many nurse friends I know abuse their Adderall rx to be sharp and work long hours with unsafe nurse:pt ratios, burn out
“At this point I had forgotten about the investigation on my Nursing license. And…actually to this day I forgot about it. I never looked back. I assumed that my Nursing license got revoked…I lost complete interest in it. All I was interested in was just living day by day and getting high.”
Did you really forget about it? Or is it too painful to acknowledge that you lost your career, something you worked very hard to get?
While your addiction cost you tremendously, your marriage and livelihood, something in you changed.
You’re not hiding in prison and using drugs. With the help of your sister you got out and got a job and a place of your own.
Brian, thank you for clarifying your journey. I hope you continue making videos and sharing your process with the TH-cam community. It’s raw and impactful.
As along time nurse I really appreciate ur content it helps to understand a different perspective. I have unfairly misunderstood addiction thank u. Wish u well.
You should write a book to tell your story. I find people that are living dichotomous lives so interesting. You’d never think your icu nurse was using heroin and meth. Hearing stories from when you were still nursing but also using and then your progression downward would be fascinating. Glad you’re making videos and sharing your story. I hope it brings you healing.
I know you feel conflicted about your past. Hopefully you’re working with a good counselor or therapist to process this. And you do need to process this or it can manifest as guilt and shame which can set you up for another relapse in the future. In the end, it was never your intent to harm anyone. You were trapped in an addictive cycle and of course your actions were justified only to get yourself high. The past is the past, feel good about where you are, practice gratitude, and keep waking forward. That’s all anyone can do.
God bless you Brian! I was touch by your story and am watching your videos. As a fellow nurse and a believer in Jesus Christ 🙏🏽 i commend you and encourage you to keep going!
I have had to go through some things in my nursing career I never thought I would face and it's only by the grace of God that I was covered and not affect my license. I can relate to you and thank you for being so real , raw, and willing to share to help someone else . ❤️
I'm glad that you tried to minimize the possible risk of death that many families experience.. especially parents when their child takes something laced with fentanyl. I think Consumer Reports would give you one of their highest ratings.. just trying to inject (no pun intended) a little humor. Keep up the good work you are doing. Being an advocate for others will benefit you in the end. Prayers for you on your journey. ❤
Become a pharmacist so you can sell drugs legally. 🤓
I wanted to thank you for being so open and honest! I have been clean off of pain killers for 16 years and it can still be difficult. I was in the hospital and the nurse asked how my pain was doing. When I asked for Tylenol and Torodol, she said that I was the only patient who wasn’t asking for narcotics! This channel will hopefully reach a lot of people and let them realize that there is hope out there! I’m excited to follow your journey through this!
I''m glad you're still alive! Praying for you and sending another non-creepy hug.
I’m a retired RN. I went through drug addiction, rehab, and recovery. I was never “found out” by the nursing association. I went on to get my masters degree, certifications, and became a nursing instructor. In the years following my recovery, I became a good, solid RN.
But to this day, 32 years later, I still suffer from severe guilt of practicing while I was high. I wish I could apologize to my victims. But I can’t.
I suffer PTSD even now with the knowledge that people received subpar care because of me. It’s a sad legacy.
14:50 You had a good plug and found him out of self preservation. If you hadn't gotten caught, eventually your plug would've, you would've needed the income still, and you would've sold unclean shit and killed people. To me it's a neutral point, you don't need to feel guilty for selling drugs, like you said they were doing it anyway. Def don't pat yourself of the back or think "clean drugs" is the answer to anything.
If you are ever in the mood, I’m interested in hearing about you/others having to WD in jail.
What I love most about your videos is that you are a smart, lovely, educated good person and everyone always thinks of ‘addicts” as someone entirely different. I hope it helps people to judge less and have more compassion. I just love you❤ thanks for making these videos :)
(Sorry, long comment) also, how did your parents react to everything? Such as: The drugs/divorce/ the shaggin’ wagon style van and jail). thanks! ❤
Hehe~ whenever I see those vans, all I hear in my head is; 🎶if the van is a' rockin, don't bother knockin'🎵" #ShagginWagon
Respectfully, your wife and family are victims. You weren't there when they needed you the most. Best of luck on your recovery journey. Love and peace .
He really gets into that in other videos!
I don't understand why you would "respectively" say this, when he clearly already stated it himself and displayed deep vulnerability and lifelong regrets. I personally admire his courage and honesty and it is helping others find their own truth. I'm not sure why you feel your comment is helpful but I can guarantee your opinion is in the monitory on this channel.
@@My2centsarenecessary Exactly. Just another unhelpful and unnecessary comment.
@bonniemartin4232
Well, I hope you have a really good night and a good day tomorrow. I have minimum energy for conflict and trying to save as much as I can for good moments. 🥰
Thanks for sharing nursing is very stressful I understand now how this can happen to anyone.
I went from emt to inmate. 6 years sober in June. Wild ride for sure 😅😂
I see so much of this type of stuff online that I'm honestly, mentally exhausted from it. Here is my simple advice that will save your entire f****** life. ..... " DO NOT EVEN TRY DRUGS, JUST ONCE " ‼️‼️‼️. I cannot stress it enough that 90% of users that fall into YEARS of excruciating addiction have done so by their own hand. Consensual & irresponsibly. There is a saying that I have grown up on witch is, ," YOU CONTROL YOUR ADDICTION, DO NOT LET YOUR ADDICTION CONTROL YOU! " For those of you that are unaware, that kind of goes along the same lines of don't even try it once because you cannot control hard drug addiction. It's not rocket science, STOP BEING SPINLESS ! Stop trying to think you're stronger than a drug craving, it's dangerous, expensive and does you, or your people any favors! you have a choice. CHOOSE WISELY!
Im all ears, good evening Brian 🌙 thank you as always for sharing.
Wow you were wheelig AND dealing. Lol not funny but you know what I mean 🙏🏾😊
When you were going thru detox /rehab did they offer you Suboxone/MD?
Wow Pink Cloud... never heard of that term but the description is Definitely familiar. You're so optimistic, hopeful and certain...with ALL the good intentions in the world. Then one day you start flirting with it again smh
Vicious cycle but I feel like you know when you're truly DONE. Im in the Bay Area ~Oakland specifically. I wish I could chat one on one privately with you about aome things.
Im glad you're still sharing your journey, sordid details and all; bc I imagine its still not an easy thing to bare something so personal. You're inspiring so many and helping to change lives,it wont be in vain. ❤ 🎉
I am wondering if you would consider speaking about Kratom.
Yes definitely. I have talked about it a bit in some of my other videos. It's a southeast Asian plant that is sold in a powder form. It affects everyone a little differently but for me it functioned identically to other opiates (very much like Vicodin or Norco). It is legal in the US in most states so you can just go to any smoke shop and buy it.
Brian, I have been watching your back videos. Do you believe in addictive personality? Whether good or bad, some people need a fix whether it’s nicotine, alcohol, or weed . I am not talking about excessive , more as a habit
This is a great question! I honestly haven't thought about it specifically too much. I think everyone has the potential to develop addictive (or habitual) tendencies towards one thing or another. I think the modern world capitalized on this human tendency (there are sooo many things in our modern world that are meticulously designed to get us addicted). I think depending on any given persons circumstance and mental health they can be more or less susceptible to certain things. But I really think that those of us who have really fallen victim to terrible habits/addictions have a greater potential to really understand this on a deeper level, and can really come out of it stronger than the average person. I love your comment. Thank you so much. I will think about this more :)
I have so much respect for you for telling your story online. The stigma in the addiction/recovery community is crazy. I was addicted to heroin but this july ill be hitting my 12th year clean and sober and it feels amazing!
Good job! I've got 2 yrs. Every day is a blessing
@@My2centsarenecessary Thanks so much hun. 🤍 2 years is a huge accomplishment, good for you! Keep kickin ass! Your an inspiration to others.
Hi Brian! Haven't had time to sit down and watch this yet. I will comment later again after I do. Just want you to know I'm out here cheering you on as usual! ❤
I just yesterday came across your channel and I am binge-watching. You are so insightful and well spoken - I am certain that your channel will become very important and very useful for many many people.
I'm an ER RN who is in recovery after becoming addicted to opioids after being prescribed pain medication for chronic pain. I might have gotten help earlier if we as a profession would talk about addiction more openly & had more resources available. Thank you for sharing your story!! Makes me feel less ashamed about my "dirty secret". 3 years clean now! 😊
Riding on the wave of novelty. Nice line. Bright dude. No one is immune to drugs. Wishing you well.
I just love you. That’s all I have to say. ❤
🥰🥰 you’re awesome 🥰🥰
Hi Brian, thanks for sharing your story with Drug addiction in the hopes that it will help others facing the same situation.
In another video you mentioned the close relationship that you have with your sister. She must have been involved with planning your families Intervention to save your life and that must have been very difficult for her and your parents. If your sister would be willing to be on your video it would be interesting to hear her side and struggles to provide the Intervention that saved your life. You probably wouldn't be here creating these videos if you didn't have family that loved you to provide the help you needed.
As far as my thoughts on you providing a cleaner form of drugs from your buyer, I would summarize it as you providing the lesser of 2 evils. Since some of your customers died after buying drugs infused with Fentanyl from other buyers at least you provided a "safer" alternative. Fentanyl deaths are on the rise each day as so many tainted drugs are being brought into this country from the Drug Cartels in Mexico.
Thanks Brian. Will look forward to a new video each Monday. Take care of yourself and wish you the very best as you rebuild your life.
The honest drug-seller has nothing to feel guilty about
Respect to you brother ❤
It's a damned good thing you didn't meet fentanyl in your street drugs...I'm glad you're alive - your story is so interesting because you seemed to have built a nice life, a career you enjoyed, supportive family (financially and emotionally), etc. I have an addiction but not to drugs - thank you for revealing so much about your self and your experience.
(Just as an aside, you remind me a bit of Jason Bateman and David Packman!)
I like your videos, I love and respect that you are trying to aking accountability, but you asked us about our opionions and so I have questions:
I have the impression that the accountability amounts to the people in your circle and to the U.S.
But what about the people in other countries growing the heroin? Or what about the people shipping it?
Have you thought about what your addiction fundet (the human toll of creating and shipping your drugs to you). You only take into accountability the US side of you selling drugs that where , quote, "shipped or whatever" to you. Have you really, really thought about it how the drugs appeared in the US? They did not just appeared f out of thin air? (eg There was a documentary about the Drummer Alex James where he really dives deep into the origins of cocain, in his case).
..PS: You said that you bought the best quality you could get and sold it for the best price to just fund your addcition.
Iwould say that, if you did not test yourself ( why did you not do it yourself? as a nurse, you surely would have the opportunity to gain the knowledge to do it?) you never were in the position to garantuee getting the best or "clean" stuff. You trusted a drug dealer. What if he had gotto into deep problems and had been forced to sell sh*t stuff? You are telling us that you got the best quality and nobody ever overdosed, but people overdosed after you got arrested. I would say: Pure luck.
You did not test yourself. Period. If you believe otherwise, you pull the wool over your own eyes. As I said before, I love to follow your journey, i congratulate you on beeing sober, on turning your live arround. But you asked for our opionions and this is mine.
I am so happy you are no longer using. I found your videos doing research to help my son. He is 22 and an opiate addict. I asked him to watch your videos to show him there is a way out. Thank you for that. How are things with you and your parents? Is there anything you wish they would have done to help? I want to help my kid so very bad just don't. know what to do.
Sounds like probably less people died when you where providing a consistent somewhat clean supply and did things in a decent way, guess you can call this harm reduction. Seems methadone clinks do pretty much the same thing.
Now you know why the dope was so sketchy in the first place! The cop's were annihilating the competition and mist likely paid to protect the big guy's around there that you were encroaching on turf wise!
This guy looks like a cross between David Duchovny and Jason Bateman
Wish you the best moving forward! Learn from this and take care of yourself! You're still young enough to get back on track!
Thank you so much Sharon ❤️ your encouragement means a lot
THANK YOU FOR TALKING ABOUT THIS! ❤❤❤ I want to know everything about your years in addiction! Storytimes! 😊😊😊
90 days is almost never successful
1 year should be the standard followed by intense counseling.
Bro looks like the love child of Jason Bateman, Paul Rudd and Mark Wahlberg
No offense intended: You had no job anymore. You turned to selling drugs to pay for your own drug addiction. I am glad you have overcome it now.
Jayson Baytom! 😅 if only you were a character... ara developedmement.
Hi. How do you plan to support yourself? Thx
I didn’t know Jason Bateman used to be a nurse
FYI the link to your background video does not appear above in my feed.
9:58 not smiling and laughing while being held at gunpoint. I’m calling bullshit on some of these details.
Love your uploads. Very educational
Love your comment! Very encouraging :)
Thanks for sharing… you are inspiring many people! Do you miss your nursing career?
Thank you for sharing your interesting story. A new study says that yoga and Sudarshan Kryia taught by the Art of Living Foundation can significantly improve the quality of life of drug users and reduce the frequency of their drug usage. Blessings on your journey!
Thank you so much for watching. And thank you for the tip. I’m going to check out the Art of Living Foundation! ❤️
I haven't seen your video yet but I'm going to guess you were sneaking the drugs
I am of the belief that the war on drugs has been responsible for the proliferation of use. There is way too much money to be made in that business to ever see a reduction in the available supply.
I absolutely, completely agree. Not saying there's not a problem, just that the ways the government has gone about trying to control it, have been not only unhelpful, but have often made it worse
I see it differently, having worked as a paralegal for a criminal defense attorney. Cartels and others, like all businesses, are always increasing the potency of their products. I has zero to do with the government. Marijuana has been bred to be much stronger than it was decades ago. Look at the proliferation of sugar in so many products we consume. Ditto access to porn.
Dude I did and went through so many similar things. You’re awesome, I wish I’d known you on the street. Anyways good to see you now - be well and continue what you’re doing. BTW: People choose to do drugs, it’s not on you, it’s on them.
Did the cops offer you the same to get your supplier?
She gave up on a 15yr relationship smh for better or for worse 🤦
It is amazing that you are able to share your story. It’s great that you have been able to get and stay clean!! My son is an active user of fentanyl and I scares the shit out of me!! I hope that on day he will feel he is ready to get clean. I would love more than anything for him to be clean and us to have a relationship. I know I can’t push it. It Hass to be on his time and I think that makes it even harder for me. I just want to help. Any suggestions?
Just be there when he is ready 🤍 sending you and your son love, strength, and internal peace.
It’s a strange issue, coupled with DNA 🧬 genetics, personality DSM diagnoses, in my humble opinion. Not all that drink end up alcoholics, anymore than those that take opioids end up on heroin. More research has to be done. ❤
In AA you hear patterns, but there is so much crossover in general human behaviour that it's not clear. I hear trauma get dragged out a lot, but I never suffered trauma and still became a litre of poison a day alcoholic.
Ultimately I don't actually care, I care I have a good healthy life now without the need to escape life of life's terms.
Thanks!
This is very generous of you. I am blown away. Thank you so much 🥰